Welcome to Night Vale - 80 - A New Sheriff in Town

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

There's a new sheriff in Night Vale, and they want changes. Plus, Cecil runs into a former intern, the court develops some A.I. dragons, and a message about getting into the holiday spirit. Weather: "She Knows" by John Fullbright, johnfullbrightmusic.com/ Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale

for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks.

I fought the law and the law won. I ignored the law and the law won. I abided by the law and the law won. Welcome to... Night Vale. There's a new sheriff in town, Night Vale. The former sheriff, whose name we never knew, whose face we never saw, and whose voice was only ever heard through a vocoder, is gone. Our former sheriff was secretive, reclusive, really into classical music and kleptocracy, rarely made public appearances, and when he did, it was with a bolivist. It was with a bolivist.

The new sheriff has a more public persona, refusing to wear the traditional mask or cape, and actually allowing their first name to be known. It's Sam, by the way. The sheriff called a press conference this morning to announce that they are taking over the secret police, effective immediately. More on this story as it develops. But first, an editorial. It's the holidays, Night Vale. I know many of you will get to spend this time with people you love. I know I'll be sharing some eggnog with my dearest family,

Carlos, Abbey, Janice, others. But let's not forget those people who quietly make our lives better. The postal carriers, the baristas and food servers, cab drivers, and the agents from a vague yet menacing government agency who sit outside our homes night after night, recording all of our conversations and activities. Think how boring a job domestic espionage must be. They are out there at all hours. Do they ever get to sleep?

Or spend holidays with families? Or take vacations? Who even knows? So, the other day, swept up in the holiday spirit. I took some delicious Fefernoosa cookies out to the windowless van across from my home and gave them to the agent sitting in the back. Her name is Monica Barnwell and she was just a lovely person. She appreciated that I recognized all the hard work she has put in the last several years

surveilling me and I thanked her for her service to our community. had some small talk and then I said, well, got to get back to my dull life as I look down at my shoes. She said, thanks, Cecil. And then I said, Monica, would you like me to, I don't know, question the world government or be more anti-war or talk more like a political dissident or something? just to make your day a little more exciting. Oh, that'd be so fun, Cecil, thanks, she said. Then I went back inside and told my boyfriend I wanted to get a beret, either red or camouflage. So Night Vale, this holiday season,

think about all the people you may take for granted. You don't have to give them a gift or anything, just a thank you and a smile. for all their hard work is enough. And if you have any particularly juicy secrets, consider brightening some agent's day by announcing them in a loud, clear voice to the nearest hidden microphone in your home.

The new sheriff has spoken. They opened their press conference with the following statement. Citizens of Night Vale, we have a crisis on our, hands. And that crisis is. Then the sheriff performed a ten-minute modern dance piece, set to music by Steve Reich, of course, that frantically yet lyrically conveyed a disdain for the fiscal irresponsibility of current mayor, Dana Cardinal. The press corps loved the piece, especially its subtle tribute to choreographer Anna Teresa de Kierzmockers sweeping

repetitive style, even though the sheriff's muscular, longitudinal movements obviously indicated heavy training in Lester Horton's methodology. They applauded politely, and the sheriff continued with their speech. Quote, Our secret police force has been secretly requesting budget increases to help cover overtime and new equipment. Maybe you didn't know about it, the sheriff said, because it's, you know, secret and all. But we were requesting it. Secretly!

Don't print that, it's a secret. The sheriff went on. Instead, the mayor has decided to use our money to help the citizens of our unfriendly neighboring town, Desert Bluffs. We will not only see a rise in crime because we have a mayor who decided to disrupt our stable economy, but we will also face a lack of financial ability to effectively stop this crime. I will secretly undermine the mayor's authority, with the help of the city council and some lizard people I know, to keep Night Vale safe.

Hey, don't report my finger quotes around the word safe. They're secret. This is my promise to you as your new sheriff. One reporter then asked, Um, what happened to the old sheriff? The new sheriff responded by painting a canvas entirely blue. More on this story, but first, an update on the trial of the century. Judge Chavon Azdak has brought in a computer programmer named Melanie Pennington

to develop the first ever all AI jury for the trial of Hiram McDaniels. Attorneys have had a difficult time finding a jury of peers for McDaniels as he is literally a five-headed dragon and outside of his family seems to be. to be the only one of his kind in the area. Not knowing how to find actual dragons to serve on the jury and not willing to have a five-headed dragon unfairly juries by all humans, Judge Azdak called for science to solve this problem, because according to Azdak, science has solved every other problem. Both the prosecuting attorney, Troy Walsh, and the court-appointed defense attorney, also named Troy Walsh, agree that this is a fair solution,

and artificial intelligence is probably a thing anyone with a MacBook and some Red Bull has already mastered like years ago. They said in unison with identical smiles and matching haircuts. Pennington has been working with young computer prodigy, Megan Wallaby, who is an 11-year-old girl who inhabits what once was the body of a Russian sailor, and also was only born three years ago. But then the specifics of her identity and her manifestation within time are really none of your business. Wallaby is helping Pennington engineer a sentient program that can think exactly like six different five-headed dragons.

Megan has had a real affinity for computers ever since the... the incident in the school gym that one time. The other members of the jury will be humans. Auditions for those jury slots will be conducted Wednesday at the Nightvale Community Theater. Four of Hiram's five heads are being brought up on charges of conspiracy and attempted murder of our mayor. The fifth head, the violet one, is being courted as a key witness by the prosecution, but they're having a difficult time getting a private conversation with it. The trial is scheduled for early next year.

Oh, by the way, listeners, I ran into former station intern, Maureen. I actually didn't notice her at first as I was listening to an album I just got. It's a new musical about Alexander Hamilton, who became our nation's fourth president because he successfully killed former vice president Aaron Burr in a duel. Anyway, the soundtrack is fantastic. and I was totally engrossed in my lip-sinking and self-styled choreography when I saw Maureen waving to me from down the street. I saw she was with someone,

but his baseball hat was pulled down over his face, so I didn't get a good look at him. Maureen then asked me for a letter stating she'd completed her internship because she needed those two credits for college. I reminded her she spent most of her internship flickering in and out of existence so I couldn't write the letter. But I was really excited to see she was dating someone. Then she said something about not assuming people are dating just because they're hanging out, blah, blah, blah.

I don't even like boys, blah, blah, blah. But I kept staring at the boy in the ball cap, and I did not like him one bit. I felt like I knew him from somewhere, but I couldn't put my finger on where. Oh, well, I'm sure it won't come up again. I told Maureen it was a good thing she wasn't into boys because this one seemed like bad news. Really bad news, I whispered, and Maureen groaned and rolled her eyes in what I assume was agreement. Then I said, good seeing you, and walked away. She shouted, come back, and where's my credit letter?

While waving her fist and cussing, which is, I guess, Kids Today say goodbye. Oh, listeners, I need to make an apology. Earlier in today's show, I mentioned giving some cookies to the agent from a vague yet menacing government agency, and in the process, I revealed her full name as Monica Barnwell and the location of her operation as in front of my home. Because of this security breach, Monica has apparently lost her job as a secret agent and had to go into hiding for the rest of her life, changing her looks and identity, and never seeing her family or friends again. Really sorry about that one, Monica. Let's have a look at traffic. What do you say?

Feet apart, toes together, right foot, turned 45 degrees. No need for mathematical precision, but if you have a protractor, break it into pieces and swallow it. Absorb its numbers like nutrients. Bend your knees. Bend other things that allow for bending. Do not force malleability. That right foot, though, what's it doing? Did you move your foot? Memories aren't real. Do you control yourself, not if you don't remember being in control. Maybe we pretend to have experienced things so we don't have to actually understand why they happened. Your foot is flexing now. Why? What silent siren song calls your right foot? You are sitting. You are passive, still.

Your left foot idols in the dark, complacent and obedient. Your right foot serves a greater God. It flexes for its idol, all plastic and steel and full of fire and fumes. Your right foot wishes for you to pray with a clear mind and open eyes. This has been Traffic. And now an update on the new sheriff's press conference. The sheriff announced that while they couldn't do anything about the money the mayor has already wasted on neighboring towns, the secret police would certainly make it clear to anyone from Desert Bluffs who might be trying to enter Night Vale that they would not be wanted.

The sheriff announced a plan to tag all Desert Bluffs citizens with bright orange hats that have the war. word unwanted, written in blinking LED lights across the front. As the sheriff said this, several journalists shifted uncomfortably in their seats. This was because their seats were uncomfortable, but they still nodded excitedly about the sheriff's cool new idea. One journalist pointed out, though, that the orange hat thing would be an added expense, what with having to print up hats and design the LEDs and all that. And this whole press conference seems to be about our city's lack of funding for new projects, the journalist said.

And the tense silence that followed, the journalist added, plus everyone from Desert Bluffs is pretty easy to identify what with all the blood on their sh... But then the reporter was helpfully tackled, and muzzled by the other reporters who did not want to get off on the wrong foot with the new sheriff. As the great television newsman, Edward R. Murrow once said, Hey, don't rock the boat. Okay. In the commotion, no one seemed to notice the appearance of several strangers standing around the perimeter of the conference room.

Our news station intern, Kareem, was there and claimed the strangers. really didn't appear so much as seemed to have always been there. Even though he was positive, they were not there at the start. They were completely still, except for their breathing. They were definitely breathing, and everyone heard it. No one knew what the strangers wanted, but they were certain it wasn't good. The members of the press stepped backward into the middle of the room. They waited, and from the silence came aneworth.

Boys, there came a sudden... Oh, it's almost 20 past the hour, listeners. I'd better get to the weather report. Here you go. She knows the thing. She didn't learn in passing. She knows I'm scared of the dark. She knows I'll bleed on command.

She knows I'll shut my mouth. She'll take my hand She knows a thing she knows a thing She calls it whole day she was born I've felt with knows a thing But he done For it has begun It's something else here now

Something new From exclusively on Paramount Plus It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell Everything here is important is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Where was I? Ah, uh-huh. They waited. From the silence came a noise. Then there came a sudden. Okay, yeah, basically everyone was quiet until a reporter asked the sheriff,

Who are these people? Will the secret police protect us? The sheriff did not respond. It was quiet, save for the stranger's breathing for about three minutes. Then the questions and cries came in increasing volume and pace. Who are these people? Sheriff, why aren't they moving? What do they want? Has anyone seen my phone? We're going to die. etc. Eventually the room devolved into panic, members of the press shoving to get out, but in a way that suggested that the exit was through each other. Then the sheriff raised their hand and announced into the microphone, everything's fine. No one believed the sheriff, and the sheriff knowing this, refraised the statement. Some things are not fine, but other things are fine. This

And here the sheriff indicated the whole room, is probably fine. The panicked reporters were now filled with both fear and doubt. The sheriff stood, stupefied, as a single bead of sweat rolled down their brow along the nose, forming a thin, wet crack across their entire face. No one breathed, except the strangers, of course, who by the time the droplet had completed its erratic journey, were somehow several feet closer to the press corps, despite never having visibly moved an inch.

Everyone in the room, including the sheriff, knew that death was upon them. Men of them were afraid of death. They were, instead, terrified of what would come immediately before and immediately after death. Listeners, like I said earlier, Our own intern Kareem was part of that press corps today. So, to the family of intern Kareem, he's a good intern and is doing great work. He got back from the press conference a little bit ago saying he had a great time,

and he also provided some excellent reporting. According to Kareem, the strangers encroached slowly on the remaining journalists, moving without seeming to move. No one could look the strangers in the eye. They did not know what the strangers wanted of them, just that their lives were likely over. Kareem said he heard someone crying, another person frantically chanting,

and he was trying to take it all in. But then, he heard a flapping of wings, like a Tyrannadon or a librarian. And looking up, he saw a flash of blackness and long, feathered creatures descending from a dark sky. And the next thing he knew, he was back at the radio station, safely interning once again. Karim called the creatures that saved everyone angels, but I reminded him that there is no such

thing, and according to the AP-style guide, it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels. So this is what... Oh, uh, uh, Kareem is now trying to argue with me about the fluidity of the fluidity of vernacular and the constant evolution of language. Ugh, okay. All right, listeners, I need to deal with this. Stay tuned next for the real-life actualization of that dream you had last Tuesday. You'll make a cute couple, so congratulations.

And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale as the production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Friar. and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info

or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was She Knows by John Fulbright. Find out more at johnfulbright music.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvail radio. Check out welcome to nightvail.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be way cool of you.

Today's proverb, there are hot singles in your area. And they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight. Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number Nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcast, boo.