Welcome to Night Vale - 81 - After 3327

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Night Vale High School’s AP Auto Shop teacher demonstrates some of his inventions at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Plus, a visit from an adorable puppy, an update on the Trial of the Century, and a look at the Community Calendar. The voice of Maureen was Maureen Johnson (www.maureenjohnsonbooks.com). Weather: "Table Song" by Katie Kuffel (www.katiekuffel.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. To Air is human, but to Air is also computer. We'll have to find another test to reveal which of us are secretly bots. Welcome to Night Vale.

Let's start things off with the community calendar. This afternoon, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be hosting a lecture by Night Vale High's AP Auto Shop teacher, Nick Teller. He will be demonstrating some fun devices he came up with while tinkering around in his garage. As usual, for talks at the museum, Nick will be covered with a burlap tarp, and a white noise machine will be played through a state of the

art surround sound system so that no dangerous and secret technology can accidentally be learned about. Tuesday will be the annual day in which we leave offerings of fruit and rollades for the Eternal Scouts on display in front of City Hall. These brave children rose through the ranks, from Boy Scout to Eagle Scout, Blood Packed Scout, Weird Scout, Dreadnought Scout, Dreadnought Scout, Dark Scout, and Fear Scout, before finally achieving the rank of Eternal Scout. Now these two brave boys, Frank and Barty, stand in their glass cases, as they have for almost three years, with wide unseeing eyes, wide unseeing mouths, and long unseeing hair. It is rumored that one day, in Night Vale's hour of greatest need, the Eternal Scouts will awake and walk among us once again.

Until then, we all bow our heads in silent reverence, so that we don't have to look at them because they are very creepy. We all look at the ground instead because the ground is not creepy, except that it consumes your body when your body no longer belongs to you. Wednesday is Take Your Daughter to Work Day Wednesday is Put Your Daughter to Work Day Wednesday is teach your daughter how to do whatever simple task it is you are paid to do and then once she has mastered it, slip away and leave her as your replacement day. If you do not have a daughter, one will be assigned to you. If you do have a daughter, are you sure you do?

Thursday is a lost cause. Why even bother with Thursday? We all tried and tried and still Thursday is what it is. Let's all give up hope for Thursday and just let it do its thing. Friday evening, legendary rock band The Clash and the great Amy Winehouse are joining together for a free concert in your imagination. Saturday, there will be a sale at Dark Owl Records, with everything wrong. wildly reduced in price. Cheapest of all, said Dark Owl owner, Michelle Wynne, will be the idea of art,

which has been degraded to a point where it holds no recognizable value. It's like, what does art even mean outside of the intention to make art? Said Wynne in a statement she burned into my lawn this morning. And does the intention to make art alone define what it is? Anyway, you can take art for all I care. I moved on to the intricate, fractal happenstance of nature, like years ago, she concluded. If there's any particular album you're looking for, please do ask for it by name, so that Michelle can know the album is too well known now, and she can put every copy she

owns in the garbage with all the rest of the popular music. Sunday is someone else's problem. What? You have to worry about every day yourself? This has been the community calendar. My former intern Maureen has dropped by the studio. And oh my God, she has the most adorable beagle puppy with her. Look at you.

Look at you. I'm here too. Oh, of course. Hello, Maureen. You are also here. Yes. Hi. or whatever. I guess hi.

Maureen, it's just a delight to have you and your little buddy here. I bet it's delight. Okay. What's been new with you? Well, let's see. Oh, yeah. I had to start a new internship because I still need those credits to graduate. The new internship's pretty sweet, I guess. I lead an army or whatever. You lead an army? Or whatever. It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't have to. If you could write my intern credit letter for school, I wouldn't have to do this other internship.

I could just graduate. Oh, your new internship sounds just great. I hope you're truly applying yourself. I've been talking with another former intern of yours, by the way. Oh, Dana? Oh, so proud of her. My best intern. Ever.

She's really doing some great things for this town. You know, she's mayor now, right? I know who Mayor Cardinal is. Everything's about Dana, isn't it? Oh, look at me. I get college credits and I get to be mayor, not like Maureen. Maureen has to lead an army or whatever to get those credits. An army?

Or whatever, it's not important. It sounds kind of important. Oh, does it? Is that what sounds important? Do you know that there are people starving to death somewhere? Oh my God, where? We should help them. I don't know. Somewhere. Wasn't being specific. It wasn't actually suggesting making the world a better place.

I was just using theoretical human suffering as a deflection. Oh, have you been taking those art of conversation, classes at the community college too. A receptionist, Lance, got me into these classes. And I've learned so much about how to better talk with people. Techniques like intense, almost invasive listening. And absolute denial of the reality of truth. And changing the subject, your best line of defense.

Can you write me a credit letter or not? That's a good question. Another good question is, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? This dog is, obviously. He's a beagle. Therefore, he's a good boy. This was a mistake.

I'll talk to you later, or whatever. More whatever than later. Bye, buddy. Oh, look at you. Such a cute dog. I would do anything for that little face, that tiny, adorable face, and those floppy dumb ears.

I would do anything. Oh, no, the beagle's leaving. In the arms of Maureen, Maureen is also leaving. Goodbye, Maureen. It was nice of you to drop by and talk about whatever it was you were talking about. Listeners, she's leaving in the company of that same boy I saw her with a couple weeks ago, the one with the baseball cap pulled low over his face.

I definitely recognize him. Where do I know him from? Nah, I'm certain this won't come up again. I wouldn't worry about it. A small update on my previous community calendar announcement. Things have gone off track during AP Auto Shop teacher Nick Teller's presentation on his inventions. It seems that he somehow accidentally removed the unsecured burlap tarp from his body and turned off the switch on the white noise machine next to him,

thus foiling the usual safeguards against learning. His completely audible talk covered simple life hacks. He's developed to lower your electric bill. The first is a way of transmitting energy over great distances. To that end, he held up a lit light bulb not visibly attached to any power source. The power, Nick said, came wirelessly from a coil situated 26 miles away in the desert. His other power-saving tips included setting your thermostat just a bit higher, improving the insulation in your home,

and using a free energy generator he invented that can provide power for. for an entire household indefinitely on no fuel at all. The world government has made a statement apologizing for the technical errors that are allowing this speech to be heard and have released a response that consists of just the words, nah-ah drawn in red crayon on construction paper. So two interesting sides to consider in this story. date on the trial of the century. As four of the five heads belonging to five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels are tried for their role in the attempted coup against our beloved mayor.

The first witness of the trial was called to the stand today. It was Harrison Kipp, adjunct professor of archaeology at the Night Vale Community College. He was once tricked by Hiram's heads and their co-conspirator, the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, into summoning a sand-gallum that wreaked havoc throughout Nightvale. We covered all this, of course, in our two-part report last year. Harrison had been so ashamed of his role in the destruction that he fled into the desert to live the life of a simple hermit, only reaching out to civilization to procure the bare necessities of life. and occasionally get on Skype to remotely teach classes and hold office hours.

Mr. Kipp did his best to describe what had happened, but mainly all that happened is that he was tricked into raising a sand-gallum, so his testimony wasn't that interesting. The only highlight came when he was asked about his months out in the desert. He indicated that he found the desert mostly peaceful, but that he had recently seen something in the middle of the desert. the night that had disturbed him. He seemed very shook up about it, slumping forward and mumbling what was, I believe, the word appalling over and over. That part of his testimony probably

didn't mean anything and probably doesn't indicate anything is going to happen. As that famous TV lawyer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, always says in her big closing arguments, best performance is not a predictor of future results. Nick Teller's speech at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies is disastrously continuing to be heard by attendees. And even more disastrously, the contents of this speech are being repeated on the radio. He moved on from his energy tips to reminisce a bit about some projects of his that didn't go exactly according to plan.

For instance, he said, he once did some work on a boat in Pennsylvania, and a few mixed-up calculations meant that instead of the boat becoming invisible, as planned, it jumped through both time and parallel universes horribly altering every human on board. But Nick went on to emphasize he didn't let failures like that get him down, even though that particular failure was so spectacular that he had to change his name and fake his death in order to evade the consequences. This is inspiring stuff, even though hearing it is completely illegal, as is probably repeating it on the radio. Whoopsie? Well, more from Nick as I continue to accidentally tell you what he's saying. But first, today's traffic.

A spectrum of gray. The topmost gray is that of sunlight, filtered through high altitude clouds, then through lower altitude haze, darkening down on a monochromatic spectrum toward dirt that is gray, or appears gray due to the quality of light. Built up from the dirt are gray buildings, full of gray people speaking grayly. Yes, I'll have another slice of pie, they say. Business is looking as good as this pie, they say. Pie tastes great and is better nutritionally than most people think, they say.

Colorless, toneless words, gray faces slacking onto gray necks and gray bodies, gray dreams of a gray future that is neither good nor bad but just what's next? A gray life lived grayly. Gray dreams through gray nights, electric lights too bright to ever let dark settle into dark, no great absence to contrast the stars, no rich black of the void, a gray night. Gray dreams, gray life. Gray words, gray buildings in a gray world, and the light grays grayly through the gray. This has been traffic.

And now a word from our sponsors. Today's sponsor is Google. Looking for pictures of a monkey riding a pony? Just search that on Google, and it will probably be there. Looking for pictures of a dog named table? Search that, and I bet someone named... their dog table and took a picture. How about an image of the exact moment of your death?

I don't know. That might be on there too. Give it a search. The internet is huge. Whatever it is, it's probably on there. Google. Search for super weird stuff. We'll probably find something at least kind of similar.

This has been a word from our sponsors. Well, it's almost time for our weather report, and I have to admit I'm surprised. I'd have thought given some of the forbidden information we've been repeating from Nick Teller that we would have been shut down by now, but maybe I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong about about that shut down by now.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Your blood and to withstand your split larses. But you found. In the bottom of your glass, make my last sips last. Something else here now. Something new. It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real.

Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. from Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. I'm finally back, listeners. I'm sure you've noticed over the past several days that our usual broadcasts had been replaced by harsh buzzing

and the occasional shout of, you're not hearing anything right now, this isn't sound. As I had kind of hoped, the world government shut down our station, which meant that I got a couple weeks off. I had been needing a break, and the extra-legal closure of my place of work and the forced re-education of all of us who worked there gave me just the chance I needed.

In between re-education sessions, I did a number of household chores that needed doing, painting, gutter-cleaning, and the like, the picking up and the putting down, and the mending and the clearing. re-sauding my lawn after Michelle burned her statement into it. I had some quiet time with Carlos. And I re-watched the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Ah, I just love at the end of every episode after she successfully wins the big court case when she smokes cigars and cracks wise with her law firm partner. Angel? Ah, so good. I also dropped in on Nick Teller at his auto shop in the high school. He had just finished up feeding the cars and was grading some papers, but he kindly made time for a chat. I asked him if he wished things had turned out for him differently, if he wished that he hadn't had to flee his old life

and come to this town where his best inventions are suppressed by order of the world government. He smiled. No, he said. Honestly, I get it. The world has never been accepting of what I do, and I'm happy with my life here. I like teaching auto shop. I like working with young people.

I like guiding them into a life of creating new things that will never see the light of day because they threaten the system as it is and the powers as they are. It's rewarding work. I told him I was glad that he seemed to have found, peace in his life. He said he was too. After all, he said, what other choice would I have? It's not like I could go back and fix my mistakes. Or, wait. He turned pensively and told me that he had some old

papers he wanted to look through for purely nostalgic reasons and asked if I could leave him to it. And so I did. Listeners, maybe a At some point, Nick wanted to be something other than he was, but that doesn't mean he is beholden to that dream he once had. It's okay for him to be all right with who he is now. Acceptance is not failure. Sometimes acceptance is just acceptance. Of course, one must always be open to new dreams and new ambition. And if at some point, Nick decides that he no longer wants to be.

an AP auto shop teacher, or if he decides he wants to alter history so he will never have even come here, then that too will be okay. Stay tuned next. For an unexpected gain in cabin pressure, no mask will help you, we weren't prepared for things to go this way, and good night, Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of intern Maureen was Maureen Johnson. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at dispersion.in. info. Or at disparition.com. This episode's weather was Table Song by Katie Cuffell. Find out more at Katie Cuffell.com. That's K-U-F-F-F-E-O-E-O. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking that

donate link. That'd be way cool of you. Today's proverb, you know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spider-Man's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now,

with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.