Welcome to Night Vale - 82 - Skating Rink

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Teddy Williams opens a new skating rink at the Arcade Fun Complex. Plus, a public announcement about flowers, an update on the strangers, and a phone call from the jailhouse. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwiner. The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Publick. Weather: "Thinking of Milk" by Tristan Haze (tristanhaze.bandcamp.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now, something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell.

Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision comes with the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. If you're happy and you know it, then the Kim Trails are finally working.

Welcome to Night Vale. Today is the Grand Open. of the newest feature at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. A skating rink! Ah! Owner Teddy Williams said he has loved roller skating ever since he was a child, and it's been a dream of his to build a skating rink in Night Vale. Williams said skate rentals are half off during this opening week,

and there will be music by local DJs every Friday night. Williams also clarified that there is absolutely, No way there is any underground city living below the rink. I double-checked, triple-checked, William said. There's no way a portal to another civilization could be under there because I built the skating rink on top of the old pet cemetery. No confrontational nation will come from the ground and attack us. Teddy said he did hear occasional growls and hisses and even a few loud

bird-like shrieks coming from the walls, but this is most likely just the ghosts of the dead animals whose corpses he disturbed when building the rink. It'll be fine, he added, as Joan Jets, I love rock and roll played loudly in the background, the city council announced today that flowers look especially pretty. Everyone go smell the flower. They snarled, wistfully in unison.

Have you ever smelled one of those things? Just so full of color and musk and fluffy yellow dust. Here, smell this! And they threw daisies all over the surprised reporters. The council asked if the sun looked like it was smiling. We just stare at that thing all day, they sneered. Lovingly. We think it is the kindest thing in the sky.

Look! The city council then pointed up at the windowless conference rooms drop ceiling. Well, it's so nice to hear the city council in a good mood. I can't think of the last time they've sounded so hopeful and cheery. Have they ever been in a good mood? But you know, everyone here at the station two has been uncharacteristically friendly the past few days. Station management who I only ever see as shadows

and glowing orange lights in the corner office and who regularly scream and cause the building to shake when the ad sales team doesn't make quarterly goals has been buying donuts or the staff. They also bought us a new claw hammer and a stone pounding board for making coffee. Plus, this morning

they left a card on my desk thanking me. Station management thanking me and giving me a raise. I didn't even know I was getting paid. So many people having a lovely day. I hope you're having one too, Nightvale. Our new sheriff followed up the city council press conference with a report on the growing number of strangers in Nightvale. These strangers appear out of nowhere

and do not visibly move other than their even deliberate breaths. Sometimes they are suddenly closer without anyone seeing them take a step. The sheriff said they think the strangers are just people from desert bluffs who have abandoned their wretched city to come live in Nightvale, but that the secret police are looking further into rumors that the strangers might be something else entirely. When pressed about their opposition to Mayor Dana Cardinal's financial assistance of Desert Bluffs,

the sheriff brought out a several-foot-high stone and sculpted an intricate series of interconnected geometrical shapes, each one balancing the next. The reporters watched the sheriff for hours until the sculpture was complete. The sheriff then added that they do not oppose the mayor on all issues. In fact, Mayor Cardinal is... is a good mayor. We just disagree on the issue of how to fight crime. The sheriff said, still tightly gripping their stone carver.

For instance, I agree with the mayor about needing to open the dog park to dogs and people. I love dogs, and think it would be great if folks could take their dogs into the dog park. The sheriff then said that they saw the cutest beagle puppy the other day. Really, really cute. The sheriff leaned close into the mic and said, Such a good boy, good dog. Listeners, I'm getting word that the city council was just seen in public, walking across the front lawn of City Hall,

each of them carrying matching black cases. Witnesses were stunned as the city. City Council is rarely seen outside of City Hall, despite their constant vacations. Some reported that they heard the council whistling Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby, but others reported that that must have been the bluebirds fluttering around just above their heads. Some eyewitness accounts say that the council wasn't even walking. They were strolling. When has the City Council ever strolled? We didn't know their bodies were even anatomically capable of that.

Someone else said, well, that looks like skipping to me. But that's just ridiculous. Skipping? Is the city council leaving town on another vacation? What put them in such a good mood? More on this as it develops. And now a word from our sponsor.

Here with that is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, and also, I think, our ad sales manager here at the station. Oh, I don't work for the station. But you regularly provide me with copy for our live spots. Oh, and you also read ads from various companies on the air. Do you work for an ad agency? Cecil, please. But this is my show.

If you don't actually work at the station or for the companies you're pitching, I'd kind of like to know who you work for. Shh. Not everything can be an emergency. Okay, then. Human listeners, today's show is brought to you by Pfizer. What does Pfizer do? What doesn't Pfizer do? Hoo! All the things Pfizer can help you with. We can't even begin to describe it to you. You know what? Pfizer is indescribable. How can you put it into words what Pfizer does? You can't. You wouldn't. No, you absolutely would not. You would not dare to describe it.

what we do. You're still trying to describe us in your mind, aren't you? Maybe Pfizer wasn't articulate enough. Maybe Pfizer can't trust you. You have betrayed Pfizer. Don't say no. Did you just say no? Why are you always arguing with us? We give and give and give and give and we never ask for anything other than money in return. We only ask for money and that you try not to describe us in words. And what do you do? You give us lots of money, but you also try to describe us in words. Pfizer. We can't even with this right now.

Oofta! It sounds like you work for the pharmaceutical industry. Now, not you too, Cecil. I can't be here anymore. Wow, the door didn't even move. I'm not even sure how she slammed it. Listeners, I'm being... I'm being distracted.

intern Kareem has been pestering me to allow him to go skating since station management seems to be out of the office he thinks now is the perfect time to take a long break and go check out the new Desert Flower Skating Rink Okay, I'm going to let you go, Kareem, but only because it's a news story. I want a full report on the new facility. Okay? This is still your work time?

Well, he just skated away. I need to sit him down and talk to him. about professionalism, and where he got cool skates like those. They had lightning bolts on him. But first, we've just received a call from a controversial figure, calling in from the jailhouse, I presume, while on trial. Listeners, let's go now to an exclusive interview with literal five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels.

Hello, Hiram. Howdy, Cecil? Thanks for letting me on your show. I just wanted to call in and, you know, clear up a few things about this trial. We will burn the courthouse to the ground. We will char the already charred remains of the human judge and jury. My understanding is that the jury is not all human. It's a jury of peers, Hiram.

Well, now, my greenhead is speaking metaphorically. We will scorch the scales of justice. Yeah, like that. The thing is, say, They are using computers to simulate five-headed dragons on the jury, but now they're saying that a single five-headed dragon computer program counts as five separate jurors. So they're only making one computer and then choosing seven human jury members. That hardly seems fair.

We don't respect this at all. No, no, they don't, Greyhead. Really don't. Plus, no computer can recreate the complexities. of sentient dragon. It's offensive. Well, I know they looked for actual five-headed dragons, but there aren't many out there that the city can find. Well, my sister Hadass is in town. I think she should be considered. Family members of the accused generally aren't allowed on juries, but also one of your heads, the violet one, is going to be a witness against you at the trial.

How are things going within your own body? put a hole in my cell wall so my Violet head could be outside of the jail since he is not charged with any crime. I can hear you conspiring against me. Why, it's your traitorless stink. I will chew you from... Yeah, easy, Green. You're not allowed to talk to Violet anymore. It would be witness tampering. We shouldn't even be talking to the media. Our lawyer said anything we say could be used in the trial. My blue head is right, say, so I just wanted to use my phone call to get the word out about the unfair practices going on in this trial.

It was so unfair. Well, I'll certainly look into this. Are you having an okay day otherwise, Hiram? I sure am, Cecil. Despite my circumstances, everyone's in pretty good spirits today. They served raw lamb in the mess hall and let us watch a whole hour

of the Lee Marvin Marathon on the C-SPAN this afternoon. They shoot death hunt. It was his finest work as an actor. I think Gorky Park was one of his more interesting roles, but yeah, death hunting's pretty good. B. Marvin is a lighthouse that has stormy his cinematic sea. I personally prefer cat, Baloo! Silence, you with that newt! All right there, Green.

Hey, uh, thanks for taking my call, Cecil. No, thank you, Hiram. We're getting good news from Teddy Williams down at the new skating rink that there are record crowds. So many people are showing up to skate. He didn't realize how popular roller skating would be here. We're also getting bad news from Teddy that all of the lights have gone out. He's hearing deep growls coming from not only the ghost pets in the walls, but loud shouts and snarls coming from the skaters themselves.

He cannot see who it is, but he can definitely smell the metallic, briny stench of blood. He did not care to elaborate about how he is. familiar with the smell of blood, just that he's sort of an expert in the matter and it's definitely blood, and that no one else should come to the skating rink. He whispered all of this from underneath the turntable in the DJ booth. He reported seeing looming shadows in the near black, the shadows of hulking figures with what appeared to be either antlers or very elaborate hats. He could feel the floor trembling beneath him as if there were a stampede. of beasts or a clash of angry gods.

Williams reported that he just once, just one time in his life, wants people to be able to play arcade games and skate and bowl and drink sodas without fearing for their safety. Listeners, do not go to the skating rink. And for those of you already there, take cover.

Do not come out from your hiding place. Not even if they put on Pat Benatar. As I wait for further news from intern Kareem at the skating rink, Let me take you now to the weather. Hammer's punching before the rector. Railings which lead to the sun. A hole in fabric, a bone and rose.

Calm before the lens. Orient opens red. You seem to care. You're sleeping there. Porting a light flush. Thinking of milk. Despite for the dentist's kids, fuck a twin in your head. The best wine's song and blew into a patch of sky.

Thinking off in gold bags and a blood to a fish cigarette. I'm through you know, but you don't cook it. It's so I. Thinking off. So why? Despite having a terrifying start, the new skating rink sounds like a huge success, and everyone seems to be having fun. again. It is clear now what has happened.

Intern Karim said that when he arrived at the skating rink, he saw almost everyone from Nightvale. Leanne Hart from the Daily Journal, John Peters, you know, The Farmer, Old Woman Josie, and the beings Karim insists on calling angels. Judge Chavon Azdak, even the city council was there. Their black cases were all opened, revealing white retro skates with thick, red and blue piping. It was a feel-good atmosphere on a feel-good day. Kareem bought a soda, filled it with every flavor from the fountain, and put his bag in a locker. Electric Lady by Janelle Monet was on, and he raced to the floor to have his first skate to his favorite song, only to see a group of hulking figures with elaborate hats enter.

Kareem stopped dead in his tracks, standing and shivering in front of this menacing group. Kareem had never seen them before, but he recognized them immediately by their sound and their smell as the management of this radio station. Kareem stiffened up and prepared an explanation that he was here to work to report on the new skating rink and he was not slacking. but station management did not seem to notice him. They were gazing across the room at the city council, who by this point had all donned short shorts and headbands and were twirling and spinning in unison around the rink. Just as Beyonce's X-O started playing,

the city council and station management all made eye contact. Station management and city council skated toward each other, and everything went dark. The record player scratched, and all went quiet, save for horrifying growls and animal screeching. Kareem could smell something briny and metallic, like olives, while everyone scrambled to hide in fear, Kareem, himself a young man in a new relationship, knew exactly what was going on. He put on the night vision goggles we require, every one of our interns to carry at all times, and he watched as station management, and the city council met in the middle of the rink, joining arms, skating in slow, happy circles, intermittently placing heads on shoulders,

wanting to sneak kisses but uncertain of the right moments. Dozens of figures with hundreds of fingers, all intertwined in defiance of our understandings of physical dimension, sighing hotly with romantic need and burning anticipation. The city council had brought live rodents, and they held them up gingerly to station-managed, MAPES as management chewed off pieces of the screaming creatures. When station management finished devouring the last bites,

the city council adorably brushed pieces of tail and fur from station management's face, letting their fingertips or whatever it is at the end of whatever those appendages are, linger. After a few circles around the rink, management, and the council left together. The aftermath of their budding romance is clear on the brand-new polished hardwood floor of the skating rink, swirling hearts strung together, carved into the wood with their wheels. The lights are back on now.

Everyone is skating again. The stereo is blasting Parliament's flashlight with Hansen's. Mbop coming up next. As a person in a long-term relationship, I know how fulfilling long love can be. I also remember the days of being single, and that is also fulfilling. But nothing is quite so thrilling, so unexpected and uncertain as that moment in between those two states, single and in love, that short fireburst of irrational passion for a person. or people or multi-dimensional entities you barely know but with whom you maybe want to be with always?

You know the thrall of hopeless wanting, where you long to hold the others so tightly as to become one. You think it is love, even when it is not. Love is patient and understanding and turbulent and rock-like, ever confident in itself. But this early infatuation, these addictions to a new other, are some of life's most fragile and ecstatic moments. I'm so happy for city council and station management. They make a cute. Karim said that he also saw former intern Maureen, her new puppy, and some boy in a hoodie all brooding in the corner. Maureen appeared to be making sardonic jokes at the expense of the new couple,

and at the expense of the idea of dating itself. Karim said the dog was really cute, but there was something about the sight of Maureen and the hooded boy and the puppy that upset him. I told Karim, no, she's always like that. Stay tuned next for the best hits of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 80s, 90s, 20-20s, and beyond. And as always, good night, night veil.

Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinter. The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Public. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition. info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Thinking of Milk. by Tristan Hayes. Find out more at Tristanhays. Dot bancamp.com. That's H-A-Z-E. Comments, questions, email us at

info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightfail.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own. And while you're there,

consider clicking that donate link. That'd be amazing. Today's proverb, be careful what you wish for, because it probably won't come true, and life is mostly about expectation management. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun,

and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away.

Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe live tour right now at Welcome to Nightvell.com slash live. And hey, thanks. Thank you.