Welcome to Night Vale - 84 - Past Time

Episode Date: March 15, 2016

It's little league baseball season. Plus, an update from Hiram, an important new health study, and another edition of Hey There Cecil. The voices of Hiram McDaniels are Jackson Publick. Weather: "The River, The Woods" Astronautalis (astronautalis.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Dress for Success. Put on your tall hat and rubber gloves and long gray coat. Success requires this specific outfit. Welcome to Night Vale.

It's spring again, which apparently means it's baseball season. My brother-in-law, Steve, and I took his stepdaughter Janice for Little League baseball tryouts this weekend. Steve and Janice play catch a lot together. She really loves the sport. It's actually pretty adorable. She shouts things like, go farther, Steve, I want to see how far I can throw the ball. And I shout things like, keep going, Steve, see how far away you can go. The tryouts were at the haunted baseball diamond over near the shambling orphan housing development.

There were a lot of kids there. Say what you will about all the people from Desert Bluffs moving to Nightvale, and I've said many things, but it's created enormous growth in youth sports. There are leagues for kids with all kinds of interests and abilities. Janice tried out for a wheelchair softball league, the first of its kind in Night Vale. Plus, I got to spend time talking to Little League baseball coaches Betty Lucero and Lucia Tereschenko. Lucia is a fascinating woman, so despite having to be around Steve all day, I had a pretty good time. More on that in a bit, but first, the news.

In a study released today, the greater Night Vale medical community has found a statistical link between a high-carbohydrate diet and the number of squirrels on your lawn. According to the study, they found that people who take in a higher-than-normal number of carbohydrates have an average of 4.74 squirrels somewhere on their lawn. But those with lower carb intake have a slightly different number of squirrels. A representative from the Greater Nightvale Medical Community said, You can see from this pie chart, and here the representative pointed at an American flag, that the data shows a statistical link between these things. Another representative, who was previously unnoticed, then emerged from behind the first representative and stated,

it is important that you adjust your carbohydrate intake and or your trust slash distrust of squirrels accordingly. The first representative then did a set of 12 push-ups, the kind where you clap your hands between each one. Believe us, we're doctors. A third representative said, as she lowered herself down, head first from the ceiling at the back of the room. As everyone turned to see her, she said, just kidding. And then the three representatives began juggling and doing yo-yo tricks to hip-hop music. And now it's time for another edition of, Hey there, Cecil.

Hey there, Cecil. I just moved into a new apartment, and after two months, my landlord is telling me I'm behind on rent. But I've been paying my rent. On the last day of each month, I carry a 20 stone bag of quartz chips and two pheasant carcasses and lay them outside his office. What am I doing wrong? Also, what is the currency these days? Signed, in debt in Old Town. Hey there in debt.

Well, I think you're in the wrong here. Quartz and dead pheasants are not currency. They have not been legal tender since the 1990s, so you are in arrears on your rent. Here's what I would do. Write a nice note to your landlord explaining you didn't understand how money works. Then maybe find a different job where they pay you an actual American currency, which has no physical form and is just a series of arbitrary numbers printed on ATM receipts. Hope this helps.

Hey there, Cecil. I love dogs a lot. The other day I saw a young couple out walking the cutest little beagle puppy. I asked if I could pet him. They didn't say anything, but the dog had the sweetest expression. So I pet the dog. The couple didn't speak or move. She just glared at me.

The boy was smiling. And as the dog licked my hand, I asked the boy, What's your dog's name? And the boy laughed. It was a cruel, hollow laugh. And I pet the dog once more, and they left. And I can't get that dog out of my head. I'm dreaming about it now. Terrible dreams, terrible dreams where I cannot move. I wake

physically incapacitated and crying. When I can finally move, I run to the bathroom needing to vomit but unable. I am covered in cold, cold sweat, but my face is on fire. I hunch over the sink spitting up small globs of black tar every single night. So my question is, Should I get a dog? And if so, is a beagle a good breed? Signed, dog lover in downtown. Hey there, dog lover. You should absolutely get a dog.

You sound allergic to beagles, so maybe a basset instead. Hey there, Cecil. What are you doing Saturday night at, say, 8 p.m.? Would you be interested in an opera and drinks after? signed Lonely Boy in the Laboratory. Hey there, Lonely Boy. Yes, I would very much like an opera and whatever else after. And now back to the tryouts.

Coach Lucia Tereschenko told me she's been seeing more and more of those strangers lately. And she does not like them. They stand and stare at the kids, at the coaches, the parents just breathing, not moving or speaking, them I do not like, Lucia said. At first I thought they were from these Desert Bluffs, so many of those people coming to Nightville, but Desert Bluffs families play in the baseball league now. I meet them, they are nice people, they are good people. They do not stand and stare and breathe, Lucia said. These strangers, they are from someplace else.

Not here, not desert bluffs. They are not humans. They are not even ghosts. Believe me, I should know. Lucia said, and then laughed. Get it? Because I am dead? I told Lucia, I got it, but she continued,

I'm dead, Cecil. It's funny. Laugh, okay? I am a ghost. And so I laughed. It was genuinely funny. But then she went suddenly solemn. Oh, these strangers,

They remind me of those terrible men on the train. I asked Lucia, what man on the train? But just then, an errantly thrown baseball bounced to a stop at Lucia's feet. She bent over to pick it up, but, being a ghost, her hands went right through it. Ah, Cecil, some days I can pick up the ball, some days I cannot. Will you help? I picked up the baseball and threw it back to the child, who nearly fell over running, but caught it, nonetheless. And Lucia said,

You still have a good arm, Cecil. You are a great short stop. I told her I don't remember playing baseball. And she laughed and said, Well, you know what they say about growing old. Memory is the second thing to go. I asked what's the first. Relevance, she said quickly.

Relevance. Listeners, sorry I have to interrupt my story. We're getting another call from Hiram McDaniels. literal five-headed dragon and former mayoral candidate. Hiram is in the jailhouse for attempting to kill our current mayor, and he's on our phones now. Hiram? Hello? Cecil. It's me, Hiram's Violet head.

Hello, Violet. Listeners, it was Hiram's Violet head who courageously turned in his other foreheads for their crimes against the mayor. Violet, how are you? They cut a hole in the cell where our main body and our other foreheads are. My head is poking out of the whole. I'm not in jail, but I am also not free.

I think I've made a mistake. You did the right thing, Violet. Your other foreheads wanted to kill the mayor. There are five of us, but there is one of us. I'm not sure I follow. Do I contradict myself? Very well that I contradict myself. I am large.

I contained multitudes. Ah, my favorite line from Diehard. Cecil, I've removed myself as a witness for the prosecution. I stand with my other heads. I stand with and for myself. And it sure is nice to have you back. Uh, sorry. You are not purple.

You are violet. I respect that. Thanks, Goldhead. And justice makes me sad. We're going to do our best, Gray. We're going to do our best. We will burn the courthouse. We will devour the judge.

We will crush the jury without tail. They are shackling and muzzling us for our own trial, Cecil. They think our green head is serious in his threats. My threats are only metaphors, you soft-sensured pouches of future food. Cecil, I cannot be separated from myself. I may disagree with myself, but I am in this altogether. Violet, I don't know if... But listen, Cecil, if Nott Vale knew the trouble they were in, they'd let us out

so we could help fight these strangers. Oh, believe me, Hiram, the new sheriff is working double time to get rid of the desert bluffs. Not desert bluffs people, Cecil. They're harmless, hard-working folks. I'm talking about the strangers, the ones that don't move, the ones that brave. You tell your mayor, friend, I can stop them.

We're not strong enough. They would be quite resistant to our fire and even our strength. We will tear the strangers to pink, fleshy shreds, and then chew them, and then swallow them. I am being literal. I will fight with you, Green.

You two golden gray and blue! We could do this. We could do this. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but see, so we need out of this prison. Uh, I don't know what I can do about that, Hiram. I'm sure you'll think of something. We're gonna make it through this. Thanks, buddy. Well, then, let's have a word from our sponsor. Today's show is brought to you by the Dove campaign for real beauty. Super Real Beauty. Beauty so real you won't even recognize it as your own. Like a set of human lungs on a white table. So real, so beautiful.

Most people have lungs, expanding, contracting, attached to nothing, just lungs on a white table. Most beauty products won't show you what a set of human lungs look like because they think you can't handle real beauty. They will Photoshop out the model's lungs, leaving a gaping gory hole in their chests. But an empty upper-rib cavity is not what a real person looks like. No, we look like this. A pair of lungs breathing autonomously on a white table in a white room with music playing. Inspirational music, mostly choir and keyboards, you know the drill. Don't got to tell you about inspirational music.

Am I right? Dove. Lungs on a white. Table. Little League coach Lucia Tereschenko told me the incredible story of her journey to Night Vale. When she was a young woman, she left her home to travel west across America. She wanted to find a new life for herself out of the crowded, smoke-choked cities. She walked for miles, picking up work in roadside towns. She rode in carriages when she had money, and she eventually found a job. making belts for an old tanner who worked Lucia long hours for little pay.

The old tanner was otherwise kind and treated Lucia like her very own daughter because she never had a family. But the tanner grew ill and Lucia took care of her, bathing her and fetching herb mixtures from the apothecary. One morning, the old woman was no more. Lucia ran her business for a while longer, but since the Tanner had no heirs, and Lucia did not feel she had found her true home, she continued west, where there was supposedly golden sunshine along an azure sea. Soon, however, she once again was in desperate need of money, so that she could eat and could sleep in safety. She met some men, silent men, men who kept their faces and shadows, who kept their voices and shadows, who kept their voices, in shadows, who kept their guns in shadows. And she worked for them, never knowing what her job was,

just that she was to ride the train with them until the time was right. One afternoon, the men stood up simultaneously and moved in different directions, one to the front of the train, one to the rear. One climbed through the ceiling onto the roof of the car. Two more drew pistols on the passengers. They told Lucia to keep everyone calm. The train winded to a halt, and the men hurriedly unloaded crates from the rear car onto a horse-drawn cart. The crates were warm, warmer than the air around them. They smelled sharp and earthy, like freshly ground cinnamon. The apparent sheriff of the little town they stopped in, the town of Night Vale, a place she'd never heard of, soon arrived.

He was wearing a well-werell. a welding mask and a cowboy hat. The sheriff drew his gun on the shadowy men, but being outnumbered, he was unable to do much to stop them. So, while calming the others on the train, Lucia crept behind one of the men. He had a kerchief drawn across his face, not an actual kerchief tied in front of his face,

but a simulacrum of patterned fabric hand drawn on his face. Using one of her leather belts, Lucia whipped the gun out of his hand and deftly picked it up from the ground. she fired at the outlaws, felling both. Outside, the sheriff felled two more. But as she climbed up the top of the car, she heard a shot from just below her.

And then she was lying on her back. She couldn't remember why she had laid down. She saw in the sky just above her a dark planet of awesome size, lit by no sun. She didn't know how she had done. not noticed it before. It was so close. An invisible titan, all thick black forests and jagged mountains and deep turbulent oceans. And then, well, let me take you first to the weather.

A compass for some follow the cross. Me, I follow rose compulsively till sirens call me off. Then I wind the eyes closed. Following songs. Rivers, the hymnol and the leaves are applause. With the wind pulling their own woods since before your bothers the brave'll scrape your skin Scars or story books Blas to wash away your sin Listen for the true gods would to play tricks upon pretty blue Bearing for a long trip they may not survive Many of them notice they would rather die than believe the question of men So this is why we try

We bet it all on hopeless and swim against the tide until our every bone is broken A sinking ship is still a ship till captain's fogg the obit till the crew is flew is flu, grows nested silent beneath the ocean, we said sail without an anchor. We count upon that never stop and fry. It holds you by the ankles till it posts you. My home is where my head is hung. I asked Lucia if that's how she died. Well, one moment I'm in a gunfight, she said, and the next moment I'm a ghost. She asked if I had a cigarette. I don't smoke, so I said no. Nah, I couldn't hold it anyway, she admitted. Why are you living in a baseball diamond? I asked her. She said this wasn't always a baseball diamond. It was just a field. A field where train tracks used to run. A field where a train once rolled to a stop. But right around this time, the game of baseball was becoming popular and kids began coming to the field to play. Lucia watched and learned and grew to love the sports simplicity and structured grace.

It's a beautiful game, Cecil. So I started trying to coach the kids, but since I'm translucent and hazy, they got scared and ran away, calling this the haunted baseball diamond. Over time, the kids realized I had some helpful things to say about batting stances and hitting the cutoff men, so they came back. Nusha turned to one of the kids. I am the ball, manny, she shouted. I asked Lucia, so you think those men on the train were really? to these strangers in Nightvale now. You do not see evil like that very often, she said.

But no, those men on the train performed their evil because they needed whatever was in those crates more than they needed life or peace, she said. These strangers, they don't need anything. They are evil for evil's own sake. I looked over and saw Steve and Janice coming my way. They were high-fiving and grinning. Lucia said, She's a good kid, good arm. She's going to be a great shortstop like her uncle.

I told Lucia, I hope we have a good baseball season, and it was wonderful catching up with her. Steve, Janice, and I turned to walk back to Steve's van. Lucia whispered to me, We're past time for hope, Cecil. They're no longer coming. They're here. And we cannot stop someone.

Something that wants nothing. Staring straight at Janice, ignoring Lucia, I said, You made the team, congrats. Let's get ice cream. Behind us, I heard a distant bark. It was a sweet, sickening yelp. And in the reflection on the van window, I could see a boy in a hoodie, holding a beagle puppy, and both of them were looking at us.

I felt cold sweat, but my face was. hot. My tongue was sticky and thick. Steve, can we get a dog? Janice said, all strapped in. Let's get that ice cream. Okay? I interrupted. The dog barked again, and I did not look. I did not look at anything as I got in my seat and shut the door. I felt like throwing up. Thanks for driving, Steve. I said, putting my hand softly on his arm. He looked momentarily amused. No, not amused. Concerned.

And we drove away as Janice told us all about her new team. Stay tuned next. Or something lurking just outside your window. Don't worry. It's not a human. And as always, good night. Night Vale. Good night.

Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voices of Hiram McDaniels were Jackson Public. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion.in. info or at dispersion.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was The River, the Woods, by Astronautilus. Find out more at astronautilus.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvail radio. Check out welcome to nightvail.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking that donate link. That's a link you can click in order to donate. Today's proverb, dance like the government is watching. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition.

These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Night Vale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.