Welcome to Night Vale - 85 - The April Monologues

Episode Date: April 1, 2016

It is April, and, once again, something is different. The voice of The Faceless Old Woman is Mara Wilson. The voice of Michelle Nguyen is Kate Jones. The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin. Weather: It varies, depending on where you are and when. Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvail for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode

in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightvelle star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the Middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfield Presents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Once again, the turning of the seasons. Nearly imperceptible here, a shading of the desert heat. But we feel the change in the thrum of our bodies, in the texture of the sand.

There is rain, once in a while, if not here, then somewhere else, surely. Wild Spring has stepped in for her stolid winter sister. It is April, and something is different. It is April, and the days have depth and vibrance. It is April. And so, dear listeners, Night Vale Community Radio is. pleased to present the April monologues. Chad.

Oh, Chad. I'm beginning to understand, and I wish I did not. You used to wear nice shirts. You cut your hair regularly. Sometimes while you slept, I would comb it to keep it orderly and presentable for the next morning. You would shower and shave and dress for your internship, so plain and well-kempt and tight. precious, unaware of the faceless old woman secretly living in your home. And then one day you did

not return home. You love your home. You rarely leave, not even to be with other people. You play video games and watch police dramas and read books by comedians. You've always loved your solitude, and I have always thought you were special in how completely ordinary you seemed. Few young men are exactly what one thinks of when one thinks of a young man. You are it, Chad, and I always looked out for you. Remember that terrible roach problem you had? And you tried all kinds of traps and poisons, but nothing worked. Only one day you returned home to find thousands of roach corpses scattered across your floor,

each one with its legs tied and its head removed. And there was a hand-scrawled note that said, They'll not bother you again. That was me. I did that. Well, I didn't kill the roaches. that was the exterminator you called. But he was very thorough at his job.

But I wrote the note, Chad. That note was me. We had a good way about us. I lived secretly and facelessly in your home, and you, well, you kind of did too, only metaphorically. But then one night you didn't return home. I saw on your emails, I loved reading your emails, Chad, so compellingly bland. You had to go check out a used-and-discount-swe-shroud.

sporting goods store, something for your work. But that store was not what it claimed to be, and you didn't return home for months. The landlord came by in your long absence, but I scared her off with this terrifying noise I can make using only a leather belt and a bird. You loved your home, and I protected it for you. But when you returned, things were different. Oh, how different. Your crisp button shirts, all unbuttoned and wrinkled, dangling on hooks like dried pelts from a misguided hunt. These days, you rarely notice the little things I do. Like when I painted the inside of your bathtub black, or glued blurry photos of spiders into the bottom of your mugs. You don't even play video games anymore. You wear hoods and light candles. You drew a star in the middle

of your floor, which, actually, I can totally get behind. Your emails, which were once so wonderfully common, full of mailing lists and social invitations and social invitation rejections and food delivery receipts, a tale of a stagnant, nothing of a man, so perfectly lovable in his comfy inertia. Now they are terse, coded messages to a girl I think you are destroying. Found a door. Come over, this one says. He is here, and he is good, this one says. Candles are growing again, this one says. I do not like these. candles you have that grow when lit and melt when not, and I certainly do not like him. What you brought to us here in this little town, my town, the town I secretly live in, what you

summoned. I stopped secretly living in your house because I was afraid of it, but now I have returned because I feel unusual for me some obligation to do something to prevent this coming disaster. Listen to me. You is five in the morning and you were asleep, but I am at your here quietly asking you, telling you, I'm begging you. Did you ever think that I would beg you? Beg anyone? I haven't begged since I was a child aboard that wicked ship. Those men didn't listen either, Chad, which is the reason I lived at the bottom of the ocean for so many years before this place, this desert, this town, this apartment. Chad, what happened to you in that store that wasn't a store? What did they turn you into? What have you brought into this reality?

Do you even know the destruction that awaits this town? Not just this town, perhaps the world? That is not a door you have opened, Chad. When is a door, not a door? When it is a chasm. I know you cannot see or hear me, for I live secretly, but I beg you, if somehow my voice seeps into your dreams and sticks in your memory,

you must undo what you have done before it is too late. You must, Chad? That creature, that monster you summoned is here. It is staring at me with eyes that could never be mistaken for human. It's walking toward me. How does it see me, Chad? No one sees me. Chad, it is licking my hand. Stop it.

It's bringing me a tennis ball. The puppy is bringing me a ball. I will not play fetch with you, hound. How do you see me, you monster? Chad, we must undo... Get away from me! You must undo what you have done. It means nothing but ill will to this town.

to this world, and most importantly, from my perspective, to a faceless old woman that secretly lives in your home. Stop staring at me, you unholy beast. There, Figo, go fetch your stupid ball. Growth turns our thoughts to decline. Each new sprout brings to mind the decay out of which it grows. Each thing leads to its opposite. Every moment contains multitudes. Every second is the history of the universe, if taken at its composite parts. Let us take this moment at its composite parts, break down this day into each person's thoughts. We return you now to the April monologs. I've been thinking lately about loneliness. Not because I'm lonely. I just like to be ahead of the curve when it comes to thinking about things. Obviously, I'm not lonely. I'm not lonely.

I'm Michelle Nguyen, owner of the coolest and only records are in town, and I'm not lonely. I'm just like a performance artist, and my medium is solitude. I've been listening to a lot of hopcore lately. It's my new favorite genre. It's recordings of a person hopping. Thump, thump, thump, thump. But soft. Totally great.

You wouldn't have heard of it. because I made it myself and I've shared it with no one. It's a recording of me hopping. I recorded that and I'm listening to it. It's the new thing. Maureen came by. Nervous, jaw clenched, hair parted, hands fluttering, stomping, restarting, sighing Maureen. She was looking for something new to listen to, said things were stressful at her internship.

She had to lead an army or whatever, and she needed something that would relax her. I suggested easy listening like Slayer or some silence, but she said she was tired of all the top 40 stations playing no sound at all. Silence is too mainstream, and she wanted something new. I'll be honest, I actually like silence. I shouldn't. It's like so popular. but my favorite silence is the hum of a dryer from the next floor down. I also like the swish of a highway that you thought was too far away to hear,

but now that it's so quiet you can hear it, distant and dissipating. Like the sizzle of foam on a wave. I gave Maureen Leonard Cohen's new album, the one where he talks in a gravely voice and women sing along behind him. She rolled her eyes and walked out. I think she liked it. Hold on. Welcome to Dark L Records.

Hey Larry. Oh, you want the new album by the Beatles? How original. Well, all the Dov Step stuff is upstairs. It's like that old joke. I listen to Bach often, but never the Beatles. Thumb, thump, thom. I love this hopcore recording.

I made it on the old beige carpet of the back office. here at the store. I did it in socks so it would be extra quiet. You have to hold still, like even to hold your breath to hear it, but it's there. You have to really pay attention to notice me, but I'm there. I don't actually listen to Bach often. What a sellout. Did you see his HBO special? I didn't, but I bet it was bad. It's a quiet time for record sales. Usually it's really busy, which is annoying. I hate it when people are like, please, I want to pay you a lot of money for physical albums. It's like, get in line, you know?

Get in that line. The one leading to the cash register. I'll ring you up when it's your turn. But I've let the temporary staff dissolve back into mud for the season, and I won't have to mutter the incantations to bring them back to life for another month or two. It's just me, behind the counter. Me, like always. I'm all I need.

I'm the ultimate underground hit. No one's heard of me. No one's listening. Just the way I like it. Yes, I know this is a one-story building, Larry. I was being metaphorical. I don't actually have any Beatles albums. It's like the old joke.

I listen to Bach often, but... He left. His loss. Maureen came by. Steady, jaw-tight, hair loose hand swinging shuffling restarting sighing marine she said she liked leonard's album but she had heard it enough now what else did i have i never thought i'd do this but i gave her some of my favorite recordings of bees i love those recordings but i've listened to them enough times now that i don't ever need to hear them again it's like the sound became part of me

and I know it better than the recordings do, you know? Maybe you don't know. Probably not. You're probably still listening to that Woody Guthrie single and repeat because you just listen to whatever big music tells you to. Oh, this is my favorite part of the hopcore recording. It's the part where the thump of my hopping gets so quiet that it isn't any sound at all.

It's a silence, and you have to know I'm there to recognize me in the silence. that I'm still hopping even though you can't hear it. Listen. That's me in there. In that no sound at all. They say music is made up of the spaces between the notes, and that life is made up of the moments where your eyes are closed because you're blinking. And that books are made up of blank pages that everyone pretends have words on them so they'll seem smart.

I'm the blink and the space. I'm the pause. I'm the gap. Hold on, I have a customer I don't actually have a customer I just need a moment to myself This is me greeting someone This is them feeling like just because they're in a record shop

They're entitled to like music or whatever Oh, that person is the worst Hold on someone is actually coming in Oh, it's I'll be back Maureen came by Satisfied Jalus Hair up hands idling, striding, stopping, restarting, sighing, Maureen. She said she loved the bees

recording. She wanted something like it, but even more so. Similar, but so different that it would startle her. I knew exactly what she meant with that thirst, but I didn't know how to satisfy it. There's only so much music, you know, and there's so much human desire. Well, you are not. going to believe this. Probably like you won't even understand. I gave her the recording of me hopping. I know that like ruins it because now someone else has listened to it, but somehow I don't mind if Maureen hears it. I think maybe even I'd like that. I hope she comes back soon. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love it when the record story is empty. When there are none of those annoying customers clamoring for music to listen to? Being alone is the best. But I also kind of like it when

Maureen comes by. Her being here is cool too, I guess. I just have to figure out what album to show her next. Only, there's so much good music, you know? Each leads to the next. The seasons are a corridor we proceed through, and the door at the end of the corridor is black, and depthless. Appreciate the warmth of this narrow corridor. How small this world is, and how small we all are for living in it, and how joyful a smallness can be. So, let us return for one last time, for one last small time, to the April monologues. I try to be helpful. I know I can't always fix everything. I know my limits and they are many, but still, I try to be helpful. So when the kid came by, I did my best. He was scared, sure, because he could see them too. The glowing arrows in the sky.

Dotted lines and arrows and circles. See, the sky is a chart that explains the entire world, and he could see it. That's a terrifying thing if you aren't prepared for it. Oh, he was shaking so bad. His ball cap was pulled low over his face. Steve, he said. Steve Carlsberg. I know you can see them too. Help me. And I tried.

I tried to be helpful. I like the evenings when it's quiet. Parts of the world, the big cities, things don't change much from morning to afternoon to evening. The same even light. The same people in a hurry. But here, every time of day has a different. tone and shade. In the mornings, before anyone else is up, the desert is golden, and the horizon

light illuminates every detail on the mountains to the west. I feel bad for the folks who don't believe in mountains, who won't see even when shown. Then the birds come and hop around outside the kitchen window. I like to watch them as I make coffee. My brother-in-law, he never sees the birds on account of he likes to grind the coffee himself and the pounding of his coffee hammer keeps all the birds away. But me, I don't mind the pre-hammered stuff. It's a soft trade for the birds. And then the afternoon, where the light deepens and widens and the mountains turn to blue cutouts against a white blue sky. And then the sunset, loud and fragrant like sunsets usually are. And then the evening, a vast, quiet empty.

Just me and Abby and Janice, floating an island of a family in the rich darkness of the desert nothing. The kid was so scared. Oh boy, but he had it in him. He tries to be helpful too, I could tell. And so it wasn't enough to know he wanted to do something about it. He said that he had been sent to a sporting goods store that they thought, might have been a front for the world government. I know that place. The world government isn't the half of it. Go in that sporting goods store, you're going to find a real racket. I love puns.

But yeah, that place holds the core of it. And this kid, he goes in there and he sees it. And once you've seen it, once you know, you can't ever not know. Can't become who you once were after you've become what you are now. Glowing arrows in the sky. Dotted lines. He understood like I understand. The folks that run Nightvale, they think they have control. But you can't control what a person knows. The more you think you have that contained, the more it eludes you. You might as well try to control the weather.

And they try to do that too, using cloud-seating drones and laser arrays, but it never works out the way they planned. What can we do about it? The boy kept asking. Poor kid. I wish my brother-in-law took better care of his interns at the radio station, didn't send them to places they had no right being, like sporting goods stores run by the world government.

But it's not up to me. I suppose Cecil can run his life the way he wants, and he won't ever hear from me about it. Not like the other way around, I suppose. The kid understood how the world worked. He could see the structure of it, and oh, bless him, he wanted to fix it, To make it right again. And he wanted me to tell him how.

Not much we can do but understand, I told him. Not much to do, but no. But he wouldn't accept it. He wanted to follow those glowing arrows in the sky like they were a map to somewhere and not a labyrinth in which a monster lives. Listen, I said. Listen, Chad, I said. I think in time you'll feel better.

Hey, maybe get a puppy, I told him. We had a puppy infestation a few years back. Hell on the insulation and some load-bearing joists, but it was just the cutest thing. Yes, he said, summon a puppy. Well, I said, sure, but more just get a puppy. Like, adopt is probably the word you're looking for, I said. Adopt a puppy, sure, they smile and wag their tails and roll around. Very cute, I said.

This is how we will change things, he said. Summon a puppy. The world government will never. never see it coming. And he thanked me and walked away. Oh well, at least he's not a station intern anymore. I'm sure he'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?

I sat out on the porch the rest of the day, just thinking, watching the wide light of afternoon narrow back down to the west until I could smell the sunset coming. Then I went inside. It was Abby's turn to make dinner, and it looked delicious. Maybe I should get a puppy too. Add one more to our island of a family.

It's the thing. Janice would love it. But not a puppy like that kid has now. I think, perhaps, that that's no puppy at all. Maybe it was a mistake, my conversation with him. But what can I say? I try to be helpful.

And so. We reach the end of the April monologues. There is much that could be said. I will say none of it. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson.

The voice of Michelle Wynne was Kate Jones. The voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispirition.com or at disparition.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvail Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool Nightvail stuff you can own.

Plus, pre-order links for our new illustrated script collections. Today's proverb, put your in, take your out, put your in, and all about. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.