Welcome to Night Vale - 93 - Big Sister

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

New guests arrive in town. Plus, a bake sale the elementary school, the start of football season, and changes at the Night Vale chapter of the NRA. Weather: "Mary on a Wave" by Okkervil River (okkervilriver.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now.

Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision comes with the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home.

From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Find it in your heart. You'll need to break past the ribs and then scoop it out, but it's in there and you need to find it quickly. Welcome. to Night Vale. To start the news today, there's a bake sale this Saturday afternoon at Nightvale Elementary. This is to raise money for a new sculpture to honor the great contributions made by the current school board president, the glow cloud. The glow cloud is mighty and magnificent. All hail the powerful glowing cloud which

rules our every desire, our every action, our very existence. All hail that which did not create us but can certainly destroy us. The sculpture will serve as a physical manifestation of our fealty to the benevolent yet oppressive cloud, who has helped increase standardized test scores at every school as well as graduation rates at Nightvale High. The glow cloud, all hail! Also helped build a brand new fine arts center and rehearsal studios for music programs at the junior high, so good work! well deserved. In unrelated news, several five-headed dragons have been seen around

Nightvale. Nightville's most famous five-headed dragon, really the only dragon we know in Nightvale, is Hiram McDaniels, who is currently in prison slated for execution for his attempt to kill Mayor Dana Cardinal. None of these new dragons are Hiram, but they are all five-headed and quite large. My intern Kareem reports that the apparent leader of these new dragons is Hadassah McDaniel's, Hiram's sister. Not sure what their intentions are, but I bet they're innocuous. Just some dragons passing through.

Kareem argues that their intentions seem rather sinister. For instance, they nearly burned down the pinkberry by them all. You know, a few weeks ago, I asked for Mochi on my order at that pinkberry and they put crushed peanuts on it as if anybody likes that garbage, so I don't know. Inocuous, sinister, six one way, half a dozen the other, 1.5 times four, another way. Listeners, can I just take a moment to thank our intrepid intern, Kareem? He's been at the station for a long time, a dedication few of our interns have ever shown. In fact, most radio interns leave in the first few weeks, never to be heard from again. Not Kareem.

He's truly loyal to this station and to his radio dreams. I think he'll have a long career ahead of him. Kareem is cocking his head and raising one eyebrow at me. Kind of a face-based thumbs up. I suppose. You're welcome, Kareem. Let's have a look now at sports. The Night Vale High School's Scorpions kick off their season this Friday night at Memorial Stadium

against the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors. Nightvale's new quarterback, sophomore Mallory Willingham, won the starting job over junior Henry Lexington, who really struggled last year with some of the basic concepts of throwing, like which arm to use. In the season finale last December, Lexington brought a third arm he found in the vacant lot out back of the Rouse. He used that arm to throw for five touchdowns in a victory over the Stone Meadow Shark Nurses. But even with this impressive finale, Coach Nazar Almujaheed said he preferred the consistency Willingham brought to the position. Willingham has great vision.

Coach Almujaheed said while crouching behind a large cardboard box in the corner of his office. She can see things no one else can. The coach screamed his body quivering. She can see your soul right into it. He whispered while still screaming. She's coming. Hide! She's coming!

He said suddenly, as he barricaded his office by hammering wood planks over the door. Willingham sounds like just what this team needs to make the playoffs once again. Tim Langley, head of the Night Vale chapter of the NRA, announced today some changes to their charter, saying that from now on, the NRA will no longer use the words gun, rifle, pistol, semi-automatic, or revolver. Instead, those words and related words will be replaced by the word kitten, as in, kittens don't kill people, people kill people, and going down, kittens ablazing, and, well,

if you're holding a kitten to my head, Langley said the word gun carries too many negative connotations, while the word kitten does not. Langley stressed the importance of positive language when attempting to rally a public behind an organization with such monstrous political beliefs. Langley and the NRA then distributed flyers across town that read, Don't let the government take our kittens, which caused several excited residents to call City Hall. They demanded to know whether the government truly planned to come to their homes

and take away their kittens. Because, the residents said, their cat just had a bunch of kittens and they're having trouble finding homes for them. So if the government wants to take some kittens, please by all means, come to our house and take them. This then excited the members of the city council who apparently eat kittens. They rushed out answering every call for kittens, but then upon seeing that many of the residents who had kittens also had guns in their homes, while the city council ordered the guns removed. Yeah, we've lost our appetite for kittens.

The council snarled in unison. We're now entering every home in Nightvale and taking away your guns. An update on the Dragons. Karim scored a prison interview with Hiram McDaniels. Hiram's gold, green, blue, and greyheads have been sentenced to death for trying to kill Mayor Cardinal. According to Karim, Hiram has been shackled inside a large stone room. Just outside, his barred window, Hiram can see prison guards in four. inflating colorful Mylar balloons that read, execution day, and congrats, and lordy, lordy, guess who's 40?

But 40 has been crossed out and replaced with a handwritten being terminated. His violet head will be spared since he did not participate in the attack on the mayor, and in fact, thwarted the assassination attempt. Just last month, Hiram's Violet Head received the Sheriff's Black Heart Medal for bravery and service to the community. Sheriff Sam themselves pinned it right onto Violet's thick, scaly skin. Karim reports that in spite of his impending execution, Hiram is in good spirits. Hiram's goldhead told Karim,

Son, I'm not worried, I got some plans in the works, some really smart plans. Then Hiram winked four times, with one eye on each of his forehead's up for execution. Violet did not wink, only glowered, saying, It'll never work! The government will find it. out. Hirem's green head snarled.

Complaining is not a strategy. We need solution-based contributions. Karim asked Hiram if these plans involved inviting his sister and all the other dragons into town. Hiram went silent. No, no, that's not it at all. His goldhead replied. That's not logical. It makes no sense for her to be here. Hiram's bluehead stated, Night Vale is doomed, but I am too, so who cares? His grey head concluded.

More on this as it develops. But first, a word from our sponsor. Draw a rectangle on your wall. Make it a big rectangle, wider than it is tall. Put it at eye level across from your sofa. Then colour it in all black. A big black rectangle on your wall. Now, erase the black coloring and then draw a picture.

Let's say of Nathan Philean from the TV show Castle. Next to him draw the actor Molly Quinn, who plays his daughter Alexis on the show. You like Castle. It's a good show. Let's say it's your favorite scene from Castle where Rick and Alexis reconcile their differences after an important court case. So, they're talking to each other. Rick is about to say, I'm sorry. Okay, got that?

Now erase that and draw the same scene again, only they've moved ever so slightly. Rick is just beginning to open his mouth now. Got it? Good. Now erase that and do it again. Rick's mouth slightly more open as he begins the first sound of the word, I'm. Maybe draw Alexis gently lowering her eyes to receive his statement, still a bit unsure about what is to come. Keep doing that.

erasing and redrawing frame by frame each fraction of a second until you have fully animated the scene. Time-consuming, isn't it? Perhaps you should get a Samsung smart TV. We'll flicker all these images and stories at you without you even having to move. No offense, but we're much faster at it than you are. Also, Nathan Philean looks nothing like that. Did you think we said Nathan Lane? I mean, he's a talented actor too, but he was never on Castle.

Were you thinking of modern family? We bet you were thinking of modern family. Samsung, stop drawing on your wall. Intern Karim says he has seen Hadassah in downtown near City Hall, accompanied by several other multi-headed dragons. She is a full ten feet taller than Hiram, and, like Hiram, Hadassah has exactly five heads. But instead of being several different colors, each are green.

Each one shouts simultaneously, overlapping though not in unison, things like bring me my brother and I will crush your human skulls in my claws and that's not a knife this is a knife and then arcing toward the sky a great breath of fire which Karim said

did not resemble a knife at all just an aside listeners Karim has always been a bit of a cynic he used to say he didn't think Hiram McDaniels was really a five-headed dragon but an elaborate metaphor I made up for a dangerous man, a strange point of view for a young man who openly acknowledges the existence of angels, so I hope he understands now that Hadassah's knife comment is a metaphor. The dragons themselves are a literality. Anyway, it's good that these young interns get a chance to see the world for themselves, rather than just in textbooks and classrooms. I do hope that Grim is getting a lot out of the...

And I just got word from Karim that he thinks he broke his ankle diving out of the way of Hadassah's flaming breath as she stormed towards City Hall. I don't use metaphors lightly, Karim. Dragons are real, young man. Mayor Cardinal and Sheriff Sam have appeared on the steps of City Hall. Karim, who is trying to maintain consciousness in the face of crippling pain, says they are confronting Hadassah directly. Dana is extending an open palm as a welcoming show. show of peace. Sam is clenching their shotgun and shouting at the dragons, Keep your wig on, you overgrown salamanders. Behind them a large cloud, glowing and rumbling, dropping dead animals. All hail. A few of the dragons are whispering upon seeing the cloud

approach, but not Hadassah. Dana is waving a hand to both Sam and the glow cloud to stand down, but the dragons are closing in on her. Listeners, has Hadassah come to finish what Hiram started, I told Karim to get out of there, but also to get closer to the action, really try to get that story, but also to get very far away. As we wait to learn Dana's fate, let me take you now to the weather. Virgin spinning ocean, I hear, I feel, I need, seven sailors swimming shipwrecked, seven smudgy mirror. Well, I checked out the royal play, all the babies all bay, The team has a dirt I'll drive Just a park in your chain

Beat our enemies, Victors I'll shir in the shoulder Up the stairs The team has gotten himself to the hospital To get his ankle looked at Seems he'll need to be in a cast for a few weeks But fortunately, Before he passed out from the pain

He managed to get a report Of what happened at City Hall. Mayor Cardinal stepped toward Hadassah And welcomed her to the city Dana was cautious and graceful. Hadassah sneered at Sam and their shotgun until Dana told Sam to lower the weapon. Hadassah screamed at Dana,

We do not come in peace. We come with lawyers! Then several of the dragons behind her wretched fire into the sky. Apparently in agreement? Or to signal that they were the lawyers? Or perhaps they saw some idiot bird fly too close to them? Hadassah introduced her cousin, Miriam Edelman, and two of her close friends, Tara Partridge and Dirk Andrews, who were all lawyers brought here to

discuss the imprisonment and threatened execution of a citizen of their world. Sam said, You're not welcome here. And then, to emphasize their point, crafted a paper machet, Horno Plenty filled with artichokes. Hours later, after Sam finished the sculpture, Dana said, But you are welcome here. We welcome all people. Hadassah said, we are not people. Dana disagreed. You are sentient. You have cares. You have families and careers and community.

You love and you fear others. I respect you and you respect me because we are all people, even if we are not all human or dragon. Respect does not need to include getting along with or fully understanding, but simply acknowledging that those things are possible. Because of sovereignty and sentience. Because we respect people as people, you are. are welcome in Night Vale. There was a long silence. Then Sheriff Sam slapped their forehead and groaned,

What are you doing, Mayor? This is a blinking disaster. The glow cloud shrunk away, disappointed, or scared, or possibly bored, or something. It's hard to tell exactly how clouds feel just by looking at them. Dana and Sam argued over how welcome the dragons were until Hadassah roared, Thank you, Mayor! And Miriam agreed, her beige head saying,

This will do nicely. I'll find us a suitable extended stay hotel. Miriam's maroon head said, I normally don't trust humans, but she seems kind. Miriam's purple head muttered, kindness and trust are not related. Dana and the Dragons shook hands slash clocks. As did Sam, although reluctantly, Hadassah shouted,

We begin negotiations next week! So, it looks like we have some new residents in Nightvale. I really appreciate Dana and her openness to people from all backgrounds. She's one of the kindest and most fair people I know. I cannot think of a better mayor. But given what happened to Kareem today, worried about the violent nature of dragons, not that they'll intentionally destroy us,

necessarily, but just the physical destruction that comes with beings a dozen times your size. Oh, Karim just texted me, by the way. I guess he's listening to the show right now from the hospital. He says, when elephants dance, the grass gets trampled. Hmm. Kareem sounds confused. There are no elephants in town and very little grass, so you know what? I'm going to text Karin back and explain to him what an elephant. is. I mean, he may not know. Stay tuned next for the sound of distant drums and canons. And as always, good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition. info or at disparation.com.com. This episode's weather was Mary on a Wave, a brand new track by Ockerville River. From their new album, Away, out September 9th. Find out more at ochervilleriver.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvail Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. It really helps us out. Today's proverb, drive it like you stole it, but you stole it because you really loved it, and you would not like to see it damaged. Basically, drive carefully. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightvelle.com slash live. And hey, thanks.