Welcome to Night Vale - A Spy in the Desert – Out today!

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

An excerpt from A Spy in the Desert, now available on Bandcamp and iTunes! This release includes over an hour of brand new material which has never been heard on the podcast. Even if you saw A Spy in the Desert live on tour, this release has something special for you – Cecil’s secret! This monologue was only performed to one person at every show, but now, you can hear Cecil’s secret for yourself. Plus, our scouts on Patreon get two exclusive bonus tracks featuring Dylan Marron as Carlos the Scientist and Hal Lublin as Steve Carlsberg. Join our membership program at $5 or above to listen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. This episode is an excerpt from our new live recording. That's right. Today we released the live recording of our recent touring live show, a spy in the desert. This is an hour of Welcome to Nightville that has never been heard on the

Plus, those who were lucky enough to see the show know that there was an entire monologue that was only ever heard by one audience member each night, the secret of Cecil Palmer. Yes, this live album includes the audio of that secret. So, for the first time, all of the rest of you can hear what was being whispered on that stage. Grab this full live show album on nightveil. combeam.com or on iTunes, and enjoy this excerpt right. now. Oh, and we are making a couple bonus guest recordings that were only performed at a few stops on the tour exclusive to our donor member scouts who help our podcast get made. So if you want to

hear brand new material with, oh, Steve Carlsberg or Carlos the scientist, head on over to welcome to nightfail.com and click on membership. Plus, you'll be helping us to continue making Welcome to Nightville. And hey, let's all get dogs, okay? A tisket, a tasket. my God, what's in that basket? Welcome to Nightvale. Listeners, it's another beautiful day here in Nightvale, and I hope that you're all outside, staring wild-eyed into the sun,

instead of cooped up in some dark room full of a bunch of people that you don't know. The only thing that could ruin such a beautiful day as this is, well, this breaking news. We have an outsider in our midst, a spy from a faraway land, a master of disguise who can mix imperceptibly into any crowd. Now, this spy has been known throughout the world as the sparrowhawk, the nightingale, the southern blue-eared glossy starling, and the tufted titmouse. But recently, the spy started going by the codename the mink, which is much better because minks are adorable and birds are idiots. Now, the mink has stolen secrets from the world's most powerful governments, but unlike most spies, the mink works independent of any agency. They steal confidential information, but they never reveal any of that information to anyone. They're the perfect keeper of stolen knowledge.

Now, the mink does possess an unparalleled range of regional and national accents, as well as a fanny pack full of fake knowledge. mustache's eyeliner and press on nails. Right in their fanny back. The founders of Nightveld built this town upon secrets with a Byzantine system of powerful and opaque city leadership. And what are we as a town without those secrets? It would make sense then that the city council and the sheriff's secret police would want to stop the mink

from learning our secrets. So, if you see anyone that you do not know, do not approach them. because they could be a dangerous spy. Simply carry on as normal as you would and treat them like you would any stranger, which is to stand 20 feet away, point and shout, Enterlover!

And thus by behaving in this completely normal way, they will not think that they've been spotted. And then immediately go and call the secret police. Make sure that you have registered for a citizen's protection account with plans starting as low as $25 a month, otherwise the police will not assist. And then once you've registered your account, tell the police that you saw a person you do not know in public.

And that person, thus logically, could be the mink. And they'll catch them, and we can all move on to the next terrifying news story. But first, a look at sports. Last night, witnesses reported seeing a padded man carrying an inflated lump of animal skin across an open well-lit field. They could not identify him as his face and head

were fully covered by a round plastic hat. Several other unidentified men were chasing this man, panting and sweating. And hundreds of witnesses on this side of the field all began shaking their fists in the air and chanting, crush him, crush him, crush him, crush him, crush. And then witnesses on this side of the field were shaking their fists and chanting violence, violence.

And their screams reached a crescendo. And then they stopped and they watched this man spiked the lump of animal flesh. And it began to inch along a pinkish trail of viscous ooze. And the very back rows began a soft chant of, what have you done? What have you done? What have you done? and it made its way forward and forward row by row until the entire auditorium was chanting, What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?

And the skin split open, revealing a white skeletal face with two bulbous red eyes, and the face craned up on a long neck, and it hissed and it bared its fangs and snapped into the neck of the man who had spiked it. tore off a long swath of flesh. And a woman wearing all black and white stripes took this flesh and blew into it like a balloon and handed it to another padded man. And the process started all over again. And everyone in the crowd shouted,

Mortality! And this has been sports. Once again, get the complete live recording of A Spy in the Desert at nightfail.bancamp.com or on iTunes. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner. And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Nightvale. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really? a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.