Welcome to Night Vale - Adventures in New America: Episode One, The End

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

A brand new fiction podcast from Night Vale Presents: ADVENTURES IN NEW AMERICA, the first sci-fi, political satire, Afrofuturistic buddy comedy, serialized for New Americans in a new and desperate time. To keep listening to Adventures in New America, find it on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. New American citizens are terrorized by supernatural beings. A man with cancer who has given up on life is saved by a younger sociopathic girl he meets outside of a poke bowl restaurant. Somebody’s baby is crying: is it yours? Starring Paige Gilbert, Bryan Webster, and Stephen Winter. For more information and full credits, go to adventuresinnewamerica.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have

all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe.

And hey, thanks. It's something else here now. Something new. From, exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules.

Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Hey, Joseph Fink here. I am so excited to introduce you to the newest fiction podcast from Nightfail Presents. It is called Adventures in New America. Adventures in New America is the first sci-fi political satire, Afro-Futuristic buddy comedy, and it's a radical reflection of our dangerous, beautiful, and heart-pounding world. The New York Times called it one of the best new social thrillers in any medium. What we are presenting here is that the world. We are presenting here is that the new, the first episode in its entirety. If you like this episode and want to hear more, you can search for the show in any podcast app, or go to Adventures in New America.com. Just a warning, there's a good amount of adult language in this show. So pause it here, if you're not listening in a place where swearing is cool. And now, finally, a show that's as smart and angry as you are. I give you

Adventures in New America. Hello, and welcome to Adventures in New America, where each week we bring you new tales from the tragic American after. This week, the first episode of Tetchy terrorist vampire zombies will be coming to you in stereo right after these words from our sponsors. Hey there, Jim, what you doing? Oh, hey, Tom, I'm just throwing away these pennies. Throwing away money?

I mean, what's the point? Citizens are throwing away money every day when they don't separate their pre-1982 pennies from the rest of their change. It's that bad? Sure! With inflation the way it is, a 1982 penny is worth three times its face value, but people just keep using them at the stores.

Maybe I should be like them and throw away my money. Stop! There's a better alternative. Send your change to Clico Metal Retrieval. Clico Metal Retrieval? retrieval, it just makes good sense. For more information, call us at KL5-6-1-2-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0. If you grew weary of this life and were to leave your dwelling, you would eventually find bumper-to-bumper traffic.

And past all that traffic, past the buildings and the houses and the farms, you would find a rocky shore, abutting an expanse of water so immense that even disappearing into the horizon would take the better part of your day. Beyond the shore and the great water, there is a new land whose early settlers christened New America in memory of a fabled land of plenty. This land is as large as the Great water is deep and as varied as the acidic snowflakes that pelt its mountain ranges. There are people living in deserts and in swamps, in backwater retreats, and in cities built on faults that mark where massive tectonic plates meet. Wind roams across the heartlands, shaping the landscapes along with its people. it is an accident and a mystery.

It's no good. I'm moist. You got too many layers. Over the coming 12 episodes, our program will focus on the denizens of a cluster of islands on New America's eastern coast, where large amounts of this nation's wealth and poverty are concentrated. These islands are turtles made of stone, and on their weary backs rest the hopes and night.

of a population ravaged by fear. I know I got too many layers. I take it off, and what do I do with it, huh? Shut up, can't we just repaste these posters? Fear has gone hand in hand with New America ever since its final invaders first took a stroll through its virgin forests, but today the people are scared of a new peril.

Monsters in human form that stalk the night the night looking for their next meal. A myth for some and a menace for others. By day, the city is yours. At night, these streets are owned by the terrorist, tetchy vampire zombies from outer space. Maybe you could take off your jacket.

I'm taking off my jacket. I'm taking off my jacket. Quiet. You hear that? That's just a sound of wheat pacing. No, listen. Fire in the night. Let's fly. Come on, not too fast. They had the fungus in my toenails, and I can't cut them.

I can't cook them. I can see you. Well, evening. No, don't stop. Let that cute little soul of yours rise. Excuse me, ma'am, sir. How is it that you people have such big black souls twice as filling as any white soul?

Yet look at you, society's trash. Trash. I can already taste the indigestion. When we eat you, we'll do the world of favor. Eat me? No, no, no, wait a minute. You sound touchy. You heard of us then. Did you hear good things?

They always get it wrong. Yeah, my mama warned me about you. My papa did, too. You'll never bathe in the life. You'll never be free. Sugar-free, Swank, Moses. I can't let you monsters pray. poor good people I gotta want them tell them you real you black get the hell away from me

eat the extremities first so she could live long so she could watch please please hey give me back my shamed hey give me back my share of thigh what kind of get journey running She screams, her last, softly, a new American dies. By day, the horrors of the dark are replaced, swept away by the more ordinary nightmares of our day-to-day lives. On a different island, the next morning, Ian Al-Seed Olivier stands astride a busy sidewalk, dressed in his ill-fitting, beige, Guaya Berra shirt, cargo shorts, combo, like a party barge that's run out of beer.

Tall, but out of shape, overweight, defeated, old beyond his years. He steals a dragon fruit from a sidewalk produce vendor and tries for the fifth time this week to get arrested. Feel like that dragon fruit? $3. I don't think so. I'm a thief, and I'm stealing this dragon fruit, and you should call the police. What are you talking about? I'm stealing from you. Look, I'm walking away. Call the police. You pay? You put a bet.

I told you I won't pay. I'm a criminal. I'm a black man. Oh, I see. Are you hungry? Look, just take some fruit, huh? No, no. See, I'm not hungry. I'm a thief. I'm going to smash all this fruit with my feet. I'm going to steal your apples. I'm gonna steal your durians. If you don't call the police. Hey, what?

That's right. Oh, that's right. I'm just hugging you, baby. But go all me. I don't want to hug, okay? I'm, I'm, I'm a three. That's right. One, two, three.

Good boy, that's right. That's right. Lights. Hey, what's up? It's your boy, I.A. Olivier. And I'm embarrassed to say that was me not too long ago. Couldn't get arrested to save my life, literally. I can say that.

it now I was lost. Lost until the day I met Simon Carr. I could see some of you already know Simon. And if you didn't clap when I said her name, don't worry about it. As we all know, clapping is not mandatory. That's right. Oh yeah. Now I want to tell you how I came to Simon. Back then I would have said my life is a mess without even realizing that I wasn't truly alive. crazy, right? I was still trying to get arrested and I thought, I thought this one would work. I wore a sandwich board that said marijuana and narcotics for sale here, with the numeral four as opposed to the word. Carried a bullhorn, went down to the corner of Nassau and Liberty Street

and, well, let me just show you. Lights... Attention society. I am selling illegal marijuana for a fairly decent price and an assortment of other narcotics available for your immediate illicit consumption. Ask me how to take advantage of this splendid offer. Sir, could you take off the sign? Hello, officer. Yes, yes, I will. Yes.

Could you empty your pockets? Yes, yes. Keys and a phone? You don't have any narcotics, do you, sir? Nope. I am prepared to be arrested. Take me away. Arrested?

Hey, my bullhorn! So you can tell them this. Dumb shit is some kind of art about Wall Street or whatever? Waste my time again and they won't find you. I'm sorry. You understand me, Professor. They won't find you. I understand.

Excellent. Have a nice day. Oh, I'm not going to do? If I don't get arrested soon, I'm going to die. Watch out! Oh! Damn, they ran right into each other. Oh!

Stay right there, buddy. I'm not resisting That's him That stole the console That little shit Stole it from my store There are two little shits here, sir Can you be more specific

The fat one did nothing It was the black girl Hey, nah No, no I stole it I stole this PlayStation Arrest me You tell me how to do my job? No, I just

See, I was the lookout And my friend and I I do not know this person. He's lying. The black girl stole it. This fat fuck was just standing there. Fat! You think he's fat? I am a little husky.

Husky. I would say husky. This matters he may care who fought he is. Arrest him! Hey, you already got one down with that fat fuck remark. Keep telling me what to do, and I'm going to arrest you. Got that? Always the same. Give them a pat on the back and a participation. trophy. Fucking millennials! Millennial! I'm Italian, you racist fuck! What I need to give to you to do your job, man? Money? That's it. We're going back to your

store to have a discussion about manners. He's under our vest, but I... Officer, sir, can my friend and I go? Do you need us? No, I got all I need. Come on, Fran, let's be otherwheres. Otherwheres? Leave me alone. The sign isn't good for your skin. Oh, hey, kid. Yeah. You're not fat. All right? You're fine just the way you are. Hey, let go. Hey, let go. Hey, let go. Use your beat, fool. Bye. We'll be back with more Adventures in New America on the Night Vale Presents Network. After these words from our sponsors.

Well, hello there, Billy. What you're doing? I'm counting out my coins, Dad. I want to take Susie to the Vidplex this Friday. How much do you think you have? Oh, about $20. Are you sure? Did you check the dates on those coins? Dates? Why no, Pop, what do you mean? Look at this centpiece. It's from before 1982. That's when they changed the metal composition of coins.

And? And why the metal in this scent piece is worth three times the face value. Gee, how do I cash it in? Should I melt it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh no, son! It's a federal offense to melt coins that are still usable as currency. Looks like I'm back to $20. Not at all. Send your coins to Clico Metal Retrieval,

and they'll pay you dollars on the pound for your old currency. Clico Metal Retrieval? Clico Metal Retrieval. It just makes good sense. For more information, call us at KL5-6-1-20-0. Or write to Clico, care of PL Box 247, Old New York, New York, 10038. Hello? Are you hungry for something good?

Come to the Ambrosia diner in Red Hook. Want a burger? We have burgers. Grill cheese, chicken salad, bagels, we have it all. And while you're here, why not buy some raffle tickets? There are only a dollar each and the prizes are out of this world. 200 Coffee Street in Brooklyn by the East River. Can't make it to the diner? Buy your tickets online at our website Ambrosia diner.net. We can't send you a slice of Miss Trixie's birthday cake online, but you can't send you a slice of Miss Trixie's birthday cake online, but you can't. can't have it all. Or can you?

At the Ambrosia Diner! Albing is a paid political advertisement from the Church of the Children of the Apocalypse. Are you afraid to walk the streets at night? Do you know someone who has gone missing? We all do. The police blame recent events on gang violence, but more of us are waking up to the truth. Terrorist, tetchy, vampire zombies.

People have witnessed them, There's evidence at crime scenes. The vampire zombies are real, and the police refuse to do anything about it. How long must our children suffer, locked inside our houses, losing their moms and dads? When will our spineless mayor take action? These fiends don't just rob and kill. They destroy the very soul of our city. They drain its life, blood. They eat its brain.

eat its brains. They carve and kill and despoil and destroy and what's worse. They do it with a complete lack of sartorial style. If you care about the future, join us, the children of the apocalypse. Services Daily at 106.7th Avenue. And remember... Hello, and welcome to Act 2 of Tonight's episode of Adventures in New America. I.A. and Simon Carr have just met and escaped the law together for the first time. I.A. wants to go home. But Simon Carr has convinced him to Terry in a pokey bowl restaurant. Okay, I don't know how you did it. But all I know is, I am not under arrest. So, cheers. You saved my life back there. That's not my fault. I was trying to get a lot.

arrested. How about? I've tried everything. I've stolen. I've rode a motorized bike on the subway. And when I do get caught, nothing comes of it. That's why lunch is on me. I'm hanging with you for the rest of my life. You my good luck charm. The only black man in America who can't get arrested. My name is Simon, Simon Carr, your friendly neighborhood sociopath. Shake on it, Whitey. Whitey. What are he talking about? I'm not white and black. I mean, I'm half white on my father's side and Creole. But in this world, you are whatever color the cops think you are.

But cops see you as nothing. Hell, seems everybody sees you as nothing. Excuse me? It's not about race, though. It's your face. You're so unremarkable and nondescript. Your presence is so anodyn. Your spirit's so...

Uh, drab? Yes, drab. Good word. Now. I can peep your insides. I know you contain multitudes, but surface, let's face it, if you were a shower, we can nay-nay all day and you and never get wet. Whatever, look, I'm not into meeting new people right now, all right?

Summer down. Here comes the waiter. Hello, what can I get you? You have burgers? We have pokey bowls. What's a pokey bowl? It's kind of like sushi, but with kale and hot dogs and shit. Yikes.

We'll have two Poker Bowls. What kind? Whatever the main one is. The Mario. Great. The Mario. The Italian stereotype from video games. Big mustache.

Yeah. The Mario is the first option, the most regular. It's not Wario way out there with pineapple and spam. It's Mario. It's straight up, most normal. I hate sushi. Okay. Let's try something else.

How about what's your name? What's your name? Uh, A. A? Like initials? What's that stand for? Just call me IA. I'ma call you Elsie.

What's wrong with you? Nothing. So, do you steal things often? All the time. That's my job. I'm a sneak thief. It's a gas. Well, it's not for me.

But you keep stealing anyway. And, etc. To get arrested. Why? I gotta go to the room where people go to throw up. While I'm gone, why don't you sit there and think of what superhero origin story you're going to tell me. And then we'll eat our Mario's. Don't leave.

I just don't feel like going. I never feel like going anywhere. What is it? Are you afraid to spend time with me in public? We're in public now. I just want to relax and maybe play video games. There you go. You'd rather spend time with that PlayStation than with me.

It's an Xbox. You see why I get uncomfortable? You don't know anything about me. I'm just some placeholder husband you can project a life onto. Hello. Oh, sorry, sorry. I was eavesdropping on that couple over there. Wow.

You're always in the audience. What are you talking about? You got any friends? You single? Never married? When you meet someone new, do you start making your breakup playlist? Please stop. Cheer up.

No escape for me. Tell me what this is all about. Okay. I got fired. Mr. Chambers, did you move my desk? I, please, come in. As you know, all employees must now belong to our new Focus First healthcare plan. I opted in for that plan. Quite right. They called and you have been deemed ineligible for healthcare coverage

due to a pre-existing condition. What pre-existing condition? I am totally fit, a little pudgy. It's not really my place to discuss your health deficits with you. What your doctor tells me is privileged information. It's his job to tell you about your cancer. It's mine to say, since we cannot provide you with health care insurance, we also can no longer employ you.

You're fired. I'm losing my job? I don't understand. Did you say cancer? You really should talk to the doctor. Thanks for all your work here. You enjoy the time you have left. But doctor, I feel fine.

Tired maybe, but I'm sorry. Yeah, that's the cancer eating you slow. Fortunately, it is a relatively easy tumor to remove if we act fast. It's not so much a challenging tumor as expensive. Your insurance will take care of it. I had insurance through my job, which I lost because your screening revealed my tumor. Oh, that's no problem. We take cash.

Should be about $300,000. Dollars? I thought this was a free clinic. Okay. We should operate soon, though. You have about six months. I have $85. Oh, no, I don't handle the money.

I'm the doctor. That would be weird. What happens if I don't have $300,000? I'd have a stiff drink and figure out how to get it. Excuse me? Is this a bar? No, it's the subway platform for the two-three. All aboard.

Sure, turn up to TV. Scotch and water. Neat, no ice. Neat means no. No ice. I really don't want ice. Cheryl! I'm coming. Cheryl!

I'm coming! You see this motherfucker on his way to club, mate? And when I die, what? Where are my kids going? Can't think like that, Charlie? Johnson was convicted in May of defrauding investors to the tune of $3.7 billion. This prick. He's going to get full table, free gym access, and better health care for free than what I pay for.

Oh, now, Charlie, that ain't that sweet. It ain't that sweet. You know that Polish kid? Carl's his name. He got two years for beating up his girlfriend's old man. So he's eating one day in the mess, and all of a sudden he starts wigging out, shaking, can't control his body,

collapses on the floor. Turns out he's got a brain tumor. He looks okay. He is okay. Son of a bitches, took it out. Free surgery paid for in full by Johnny Taxpayer. Fucker didn't even have any debt. Spends more money at the OTB than I doing rent.

Brain tumor cured. just like that for free. 1050 sugar. Yeah. Brain tumor cured. Yeah. Brain tumor cured just like that for free.

1050 sugar. Tumor cured. Free. So now I'm trying to get arrested. For free health care? Yeah. This token thing is not bad. That is quite possibly the worst idea

I've ever heard ever. How are you going to get a big enough jail sentence for long-term care pretending you stole a PlayStation? Besides, you would be in prison where you'd be a punching bag for some incarcerated monster, fucking your ass and... Please. Sucking your tits. Please! Look, I am in dire straits.

Jail is the only place in New America with mandatory health care. Not all the time, damn it. You've got to advocate for your rights inside. You expect a major jail sentence as a pretend petty thief? Wanna get real arrested? Why not get a gun and fake rob a bank? Because I'm against violence. I couldn't, I wouldn't want to injure someone or cause terror.

Maybe I could burn a flag. You better not. Why? It's just some piece of fabric. Piece of fabric? How many forefathers and four mamas died laboring for that piece of fabric? You're a terrorist. No, worse. A pacifist, I-A.

Do you hate New America? No, I do not. Say I love New America. Sit down. New America. Quiet. Love it or loathing it. You can never lose it or leave it. Embrace what makes America great, man. Oh my God. Sit down. You're embarrassing me.

You should be embarrassed. Exploing your freedom, homie. You sitting on your ass is like watching Superman not fly. A gift gone wasted. How do you do that, bro? Is it a half-white thing? I wasn't good at getting arrested. Maybe there's things some people just can't do. That's true.

I knew a dude totally incapable of getting laid. You can stick a splint on his dick, put it right in, and the girl would evaporate as such. So as long as it didn't happen. I can get laid. But you can't get arrested. Like a biological immunity. Look at it from the other side.

Why stay in your lane? Use your gift. Not being able to get arrested is not the same thing as being good at crime. Cards on the table. You save mine. I save yours. I will raise your 300 grand. All you have to do is follow my lead. Fuck you, you can't do that. No. But together we can. You're the invisible black man to the cops. That's the most important position on the team right now. And me, anything I put my mind to I can achieve.

I just never had a reason to go big before. You're my reason, IA. Once again, fuck you. That's no way to say goodbye. I have serious problems. I don't need this. I'm not joking. I've got a good feeling about us. Us?

Look. I appreciate the offer, but I got a plan. plan, I'll stick to it. Your plan is dumb. But it's mine. You'll come around. Let me see your keys. My keys, why?

Whoa. So what the? You won't listen to me? Listen to my big noise. This is a stick-up! Alert. What is it? Wait, you know her?

That's Serena. Friends, we've reached the end of this week's Adventures in New America. Will I.A. find a cure for his cancer? Will Simon succeed in exploiting IA? And who is Serena? Adventures in New America was created and written by Tristan Cohen and Stephen Winter. This week's episode starred Paige Gilbert, Pernell Walker, and the New America Players. Featuring Mike Albo, Becca Blackwell, Alex Burinsky, David Kamenkii, David Kamen, D'Ander, Denise Dixon, Orrin Farmer, Julian Fleischer, Kurt Harding, Erin Markey, Mari Marriardi, Chris Sarley, David Switzer, Will Shaw, Tony Torn, and Brian Webster. Special guest was Asa Lovechild as the Blues Singer.

The theme song was composed by Wayne Barker with additional music provided by Adam Lee, Caged Animals, The Illustrious Blacks, Marin Sander Holtzman, and the Bedstye Blue band. In the back of the house, our sound designer and audio engineer was Vincent Caccioni, and our editor was Grant Stewart. Marketing provided by Adam Cecil, Associate producers Ashlyn Hatch and Lindsay Cronmiller. When in New America, all guests are treated to a complimentary stay in the low-down, uptown, well-built hotel-built well, now taking reservations by phone. Thanks go to the inimitable, nay, unimitatable, Julian Costor. Christy Gressman, executive producer.

We'll be back after this word from our sponsors. You are listening to the Nightvale Presents Network. Next week, it's all going down. Me and I.A. are caught in a robbery crossfire. And come up with a plan of our own to get some money. But will Serena get in the way? And what about the lady she works for? Why is IA. staring at her like that?

Do I really need this? Next week, y'all. Adventures in New America is a People's Exploitation Army Limited production. If you enjoyed the episode you just heard, get more by subscribing in your podcast app or going to Adventures in New America.com. Thanks for listening. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Nightvale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner, and fellow try hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders,

as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Night Vale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.