Welcome to Night Vale - Bonus Episode 1 - Minutes

Episode Date: November 1, 2014

A reading of the minutes from the Night Vale Community College Faculty Meeting. This episode was co-written with Ashley Lierman Weather: "Home" by Theo Adler (soundcloud.com/theoadler) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica and Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's something else here now. Something new. From, exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Minutes from the Community College Faculty Meeting By Ashley Learman The following are the minutes from the Night Vale Community College Faculty meeting. Meeting facilitator was Dr. Vidor Zobo. Meeting secretary was Joshua White. Item 1.

Call to order. Dr. Zobo called to order the regular meeting of the Faculty of Nighter Vail Community College at 3 o'clock p.m. on November 1st. Item 2. Roll call. Mr. White conducted a roll call. The following were present. Dr. Sarah Sultan, president of the college. Joshua White, executive assistant to the president. Dr. Robert Hernandez, vice president of finance, administration, and forbidden numbers. Dr. Stephen Mills, Provost, Vice President of Academic Affairs. An unnamed Green Cabinet that shakes and whistles, Vice President of Student Affairs.

Dr. Henrietta Bell, Dean of Arts and Sciences. Dr. Chandra Mabasa, Dean of Allied Health and Nursing. Dr. Michael Galletti, Dean of Science, Technology, technology with finger quotes and mathematics. Dr. Vidor Zabo, Associate Professor of Humanities. Dr. Ali Laredo, Associate Professor of Inhumanities. Dr. Ibrahim Al Anesei, Associate Professor of Political Science. Dr. James Crawford Rothwell, Associate Professor of Alternate History.

Dr. Alyn Stein, Associate Professor of False Biology. Dr. Tamara Hertzwell, Associate Professor of Approved Sciences. Dr. June Richter, Associate Professor of Nursing. Dr. Mohini Bukar, Assistant Professor of Secret English. Professor Jamie Escondo, whose job title is classified, but who also carries a bag of magic teeth. So it's possible he's simply granting his own wishes and does not actually work here.

Dr. Chelsea Dubinsky, assistant professor of chemistry. Dr. Stephen Rosenberg, assistant professor of business and accounting. Professor Mary Ann Guazdek, assistant professor of computer and fire sciences. Professor Julie Levine, Adjunct Professor of Future French. Professor Incarnita Piel, Adjunct Professor of Weird Spanish.

Mr. Terence Long, Head of Library Prevention and Security. Item 3. Approval of minutes from last meeting. Attendees were advised to insert earplugs. Mr. White. then read the minutes from the September meeting, Professor Levine collapsed in a stiff heap with severe bleeding at the eyes and mouth due to an improperly formed plug seal in her left ear

canal. She was removed for medical treatment. The minutes were approved as read. Item 4. President's Remarks President Sultan greeted and thanked attendees, and confirmed, congratulated all faculty on the successful fall semester. She described recent fundraising efforts for upcoming development projects. The most notable gift has been a generous but ultimately detrimental donation of thousands of rabbits, from proud alumna Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham, who has been replaced by a lizard, and which lizard is now in police custody.

President Sultan stopped mid-sentence and was silent for several seconds. As the president is a smooth, fist-sized river rock, faculty were initially confused as to why she was quiet. It turned out President Sultan was staring at a fixed point in mid-air. She suddenly began asking, What is that? What is that thing? Why would anyone do that? In a small, childlike voice.

Faculty began to shift and turn in their seats, but saw nothing. This continued until it was decided that the president had nothing further to offer, and Dr. Jabbo picked up the president and placed her back in her terrarium. Item 5. Announcements, issues, and questions. A. An update on Freshman Seminar. Dr. Laredo, who took over the freshman seminar two years ago, because of Dr. Joel Eisenberg's

extended medical leave, described a number of revisions to the program which she hopes to implement with the faculty's support, including standardizing grading rubrics, working carefully with the library, to develop some non-violent literacy programs, possibly reassessing the requirement of plague masks for all freshmen, and increasing focus on real-world career skills, like running, hiding, and covering their faces with their hands, moaning, oh no, oh no, quietly. B. The unending hallway on the second floor.

floor of the Earth Sciences Building. Dr. Hernandez provided an update on Facilities' progress with the unending hallway situation. Apparently the hallway is now fully finite in breadth, and while it still appears to be infinite in length, the fact that it no longer swallows light itself indicates that this is merely due to the limits of human perception. The hallway does now possess an end somewhere. However, according to the Director of Facility Services, all available measuring equipment is still inadequate to chart the length of the hallway.

And the readings that have been made indicate that it would take at least six human lifetimes to traverse the full length of the hallway. So ultimately, the distinction is negligible. Administrators and faculty are still advised not to schedule classes on the second floor of Earth sciences until the situation is resolved. Unless class size exceeds the available facilities and students have been cautioned to bring enough food and water to last them the rest of their lives. C. Standards Revision for Honors Courses Dr. Hartswell announced that as of registration for the spring semester, while the minimum grade point average of 3.0 and SAT score of 1100 have not been changed, students are now no longer required to be fully human to enroll in honors courses.

Dr. Hartswell applauded this progressive change, but lamented that it took so long to make it happen. Faculty advisors of students who are arthropods, malevolent spirits, or tangible dream people should recommend application to these advanced courses. D. Repeated fires in the computer science laboratory. Professor Gwazdek reported that public safety officers have completed their preliminary investigation of the repeated and unexplained fires in the main computer lab. The officers suspect that cause to be arson, but as Professor Gwazdek pointed out, they are liars. Filthy, disgusting, pestilential liars, who should be embarrassed to tell those kinds of lies where people can, hear their crazy nonsense. And at the very least, they should all be fired, meaning set on fire,

but also meaning terminated, meaning an end brought to their lives, but also meaning fired from their jobs. At the very least, she added. She then set a rug on fire with her thoughts. Item six, welcome for Dr. Boo, Buker. Dr. Jabo asked the assembled to welcome Dr. Mohini Buker, who joined the faculty as an assistant professor of secret English at the beginning of the spring semester. Dr. Buker, sweating profusely with a fixed grin that showed far too many of her teeth, greeted the faculty and briefly introduced herself and her interests in a shaky, indistinct

voice that gradually climbed in pitch toward a shriek. Dr. Buker's doctoral dissertation compared Shakespeare's unproduced and unpublished play, Mirth Forest, with elements of Chaucer's unwritten childhood daydreams, and she enjoys ballroom dance and owns two Siberian huskies. She is teaching two sections of Survey of Secret British Literature, featuring Emily Bronte's epic novel that no one has ever heard of, The Flippancy of Clouds. Item 7.

New course proposals for fall 2015. 1. Humanities 375. Hegel's philosophy in context, taught by Dr. Jabbo. 2. Computer Science 180. 4Tran programming and Flame Resistance. taught by Professor Guzdeck. 3. Bio 351. Human cloning and you and you.

Taught by Dr. Stone. 4. Tech 220. Bloodstone installation and repair. Taught by Professor Mzger Ngu-W-W-W-W-W. 5. History 311. History of post-war Germany. taught by Dr. Brown.

6. Alternative History 311. History of underwater Germany taught by Dr. Crawford-Rothwell. 7. Music 208. Murder ballads. Taught by Professor Norman. 8. Unassigned course. Oh God.

Oh, God, why? Oh, dear God in heaven, no. taught by Professor Escondo and some pliers. 9. Psych-150. Paiodi Psychology. Taught by a wolf with six faces. 10. Business 215. Laughing at non-profit organizations, taught by Dr. Rosenberg.

11. Econ 213. Hatred. taught by Dr. Laredo. Item 8. Presentation titled, Update from the Assessment Committee. Presenter, James Crawford Rothwell. Summary. Dr. Crawford Rothwell detailed the resolutions made at the most recent meeting of the assessment committee.

He reminded faculty that all instructors of general education courses must at the end of the semester, submit a summary of work, one sample assignment, and detailed blood-type information for each student, including a full-flavor profile. He distributed to the faculty the revised rubrics for critical thinking, pain endurance, global awareness, and seeing the unseen and unholy. Discussion. Dr. Stein asked whether human test subjects could be submitted as a sample assignment. Further debate ensued, with some arguing that human subjects constitute laboratory equipment,

and others pointing out the impracticality of being unable to submit them electronically. Dr. Crawford-Rothwell promised that the committee would discuss the issue in their next meeting. The green cabinet that shakes and whistles, having consumed ahead of schedule, the full crate of live guinea pigs provided for it to eat during the meeting, emitted a base hum, and then opened to loose a tendril of pure, pulsating, hate-filled darkness, which encircled and then devoured Dr. Richter, dragging her back into its unknowable depths, on the hollow boom of its closing doors. The meeting was suspended for the assembled to flee for their lives and reconvened in furtive whispers in an unlit basement room. Dr. Bell recommended that the conclusions and outcomes component of critical thinking be changed to end in priority order rather than in order of priority.

The motion was debated and passed with 194, two against, two abstaining, three absent, and or presumed dead. Action items Form search committees for replacement full-time professor of nursing. Person responsible, Shandra Mabasa. Item 10 Five-minute break Faculty and staff took a short break between presentations to assess the condition of the wounded. Some use the time to smoke a final cigarette

while crying. Others gathered around the coffee maker to casually discuss the weather. We are again another day and nothing's changed. Don't we go? I've told you long. Again, can't feel this pain again, not again. Item 11. Presentation titled First Look at Rebranding Efforts. Presenter Pamela Kingsworth. Summary. Ms. Kingsworth hastily set up a computer and attached projector, which were retrieved from the original meeting room at no small risk to life and sanity. She unveiled concepts for a new logo and slogans developed in meetings with a marketing firm. The logo is a black and white but shockingly graphic woodcut of an ethnically diverse group of students devouring the entrails of a wild boar. Behind them is a map of the world with dozens of

countries exed out. Slogan 1 reads, There's no excuse for not getting a quality education, you should feel ashamed, and so should your ancestors. Slogan 2 reads, Find Yourself Here, with no memory of the previous week. Slogan 3 reads, ketamine hydrochloride. If the slogans are approved by the faculty, the college community will vote on them at the next open campus meeting to be held on Monday, February 23rd.

Discussion. Dr. Long began vomiting and shuddering uncontrollably near the end of Ms. Kingsworth's presentation, although this was found to be unrelated. Dr. Zabbeau remarked on the exceptional artistry of the logo and insisted on taking a picture with his mobile phone on behalf of Professor Galen in the art department, who was unable to attend today's meeting. The phone produced a small cloud of foul-smelling crystals from its camera lens, and then imploded. Dr. Bell questioned whether the reference to ancestors in Slogan 1 was culturally insensitive.

Ms. Kingsworth assured the faculty that the advertising firm understood the importance of diversity to the college community, and the inclusivity of the slogans as well as their market impact had been thoroughly researched. Dr. Crawford-Rothwell and Zobo debated the words. the issue. No conclusion was reached, although Ms. Kingsworth agreed to raise the issue with the firm as the process continued. Dr. Bell asked Ms. Kingsworth for the name of the advertising firm the college is consulting. Ms. Kingsworth was silent for seven full minutes, and then proceeded to giggle for the remainder of the meeting. Dr. Zobbo distributed ballots for approval or disapproval of the slogans. Additional copies will be mailed to each department to be filled out by faculty

members who were unable to attend today's meeting. No one will actually mail them. It will just happen quietly while no one is looking. The ballot should be completed and returned to the Office of College Relations where they will be discarded unread. Action items, complete and return slogan approval ballot, person responsible, all faculty. Item 12. Presentation titled Blood. Presenter. Blood. Summary. Blood.

Discussion. Blood. Distant screeches. Perhaps a crow of some kind. Blood. Action items. Cost benefit analysis for expansion of student center. Person responsible.

Blood. Item 13. Presentation titled Tax Information Online. Presenter, Robert Hernandez. Summary. Dr. Hernandez announced that tax information and forms for college employees for this year's tax season will be available online through the employee self-service area of the college website. He demonstrated via projector the location of the forms by navigating the website.

From the college homepage, employees should go to the faculty and staff portal, then to the employee self-service link under the Human Resources header, then scroll down the page to the section marked payroll and click on the link reading tax forms. Users will be shown a picture of a face. It will be a familiar face, but not one they will be able to comprehend or remember. They must maintain silent eye contact with this face. Do not blink. Do not speak.

Breathe, but slowly and without purpose. several seconds, perhaps minutes. The face will contort into a terrifying grimace as a cacophonous scream fills the room, echoing down the halls, freezing you in terror. Then you can download the appropriate form. Discussion. Dr. Al-Anneasy asked whether the forms would still be distributed in paper form. Dr. Hernandez confirmed that they would, and the online and paper forms would be identical. Mr. Long mentioned that he thought computers might be illegal, but even if they're not, they require licenses.

He asked if anyone had up-to-date computer licenses for the college. Everyone else urgently shushed him, their eyes dashing left and right, fingers to their tight lips. Dr. Mills asked if any help was available for faculty and staff members who had forgotten their log-in. information or the employee self-service area. Dr. Hernandez advised him to direct his query to the help desk or to click on the link below the login form and answer the security question.

You get one attempt. Dr. Hernandez said, one, he said again. One. You get one attempt. He repeated this for several minutes. the register of his voice growing lower and lower. Action items. Barry an owl feather, six human finger bones, and a mirror in a shallow hole at the base of the largest rock in the mountains. Beneath the light of a quarter full moon. Tell no one, not even your family.

The same night, place a stone under your tongue and wind a ribbon around your mouth until you can make no sound. Sleep. You will dream of a tall, worried man holding a rope. He will not speak to you, but he will point toward a doorway you do not recognize. It will be very, very dark, and a faint cool breeze will blow forth,

smelling faintly of copper and water. Person responsible, Robert Hernandez. Item 14. Adjurnment The faculty met eyes, placed hands upon arms, upon shoulders. Dr. Jabbo, weeping, adjourned the meeting at an unknown time,

as time is subjective and confusing. In the flickering candlelight, their synchronous breaths were a breezy metronome, marking the only time any of them could possibly understand. The light went out, and in the darkness there was a discomforting silence, followed by even more discomforting scratching sounds. Minutes submitted by Joshua White, minutes approved by, by The Survivors, presumably. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books.

Today's bonus story was written by Ashley Learman with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion.in. info or at dispersion.bandcamp.com. This episode's weather was Home by Theo Adler. Find out more at Soundcloud.com slash Theo Adler. comments, questions, email us at Nightvale at commonplacebooks.com

or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, If you're worried, your writing isn't good. Just remember, the earth is warming,

and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Nightvale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow try hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Night Vale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.