Welcome to Night Vale - The Orbiting Human Circus (of the Air): Season One, Episode 1

Episode Date: October 12, 2016

Welcome to the world of The Orbiting Human Circus: discover the surreally impossible radio show broadcast from the top of the Eiffel Tower, meet the lonely janitor who longs to become part of it, and settle in for the chilling tale of Goolsby and Rue. (NOTE:To continue listening to The Orbiting Human Circus (of the Air), subscribe now via iTunes, Libsyn, Stitcher, or via RSS on your favorite podcatcher.) Thanks to Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans and Atom Tickets for supporting the show! Download the free Atom Tickets app from Google Play or the Apple App Store and use code OHC for $5 off through the end of the year. Check out Rocket Mortgage at QuickenLoans.com/OHC. Featuring John Cameron Mitchell as Mr. Cameron, Julian Koster as the Janitor, and Drew Callander as the Narrator. For full credits, go to www.orbitinghumancircus.com. Written and created by Julian Koster. Co-directed by and developed with Ellie Heyman. Produced by Christy Gressman. Featuring musical composition and arrangement by Thomas Hughes and music by The Music Tapes. In November 2016, the Janitor will be cleaning a venue near you! See tour dates at www.orbitinghumancircus.com. Part of the Night Vale Presents network. nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows,

we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. Hi, Jeffrey Kraner here. so excited to bring you this first episode of Nightvale Presents' newest podcast, The Orbiting Human Circus of the air. We'll be featuring the first three episodes of Orbiting Human Circus here on the Welcome to Nightvale feed, just as we did with Within the Wires and Alice isn't dead. If you like what you hear and want to subscribe to the entire eight episode first season of orbiting human circus, you can do that right now, through iTunes, or wherever it is, you get your

podcasts. And oh, hey, we appreciate you. zoom in on a small enclosed space, a dark womb-like space with walls of metal, where a small figure lies curled, appropriately, in a fetal position, waiting to emerge as if he were the main character of a show about to be born. Oh, God. Metaphorically, that is. He's fully grown. Who is he?

Oh, my arm. Well, you'll find out soon enough. Where is he? Well, it's pitch black you can't see. I can tell you this much. He's in a dark hiding place, in one of the most famous buildings in the world, in Paris,

and it's a town. and he's hiding while nearby. A large audience files into a grand ballroom to see the performance of a live radio variety show which is about to be broadcast. Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower you are listening to the orbiting human circus of the air. But what is he doing?

Thank you, ladies, gentlemen. Oh, yes. He's pretending to be on that radio show. He does this. He does all the voices. Right now, he's pretending to be the host, John Cameron. Oh, thank you so much. It's going to be a wonderful show tonight.

Don't worry. This isn't what the show actually sounds like. Now he's pretending to be backstage. He's pretending to do the voice of chief stagehand Letitia Saltier. She runs the show. Allee, allay. We have to screws her back stage. That sounds nothing like her.

Oh, good Lord. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now he's doing host John Cameron again, back on the air. That was the orbiting human circus orchestral, performing its version of, what are you doing? I'm dusting the microphone. There he is, doing himself. Ah, get away from the microphone.

I'm sorry. I just thought I should clean up the show a little bit. Oh, ooh. Yes, even in his fantasies he ruins everything. Why? Well, it does make them more realistic. Because that's what he actually does. He ruins everything. He's actually preparing to sneak into that ballroom,

sneak on stage, and bumble onto the air, where a person like him certainly does not belong. Not in a medium known for intelligent discourse on important subjects. like science, news, and technology. Oh, Lord. For example, there must be something else on. Hi, this is Drew Callender from the Orbiting Human Circus, and on behalf of the whole Orbiting Human Circus gang,

we'd like to welcome you to our first episode and thank our sponsors, Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans and Adam Tickets. We are very happy to have Rocket Mortgage as our sponsor because for many of us here at the Orbiting Human Circus, applying for a traditional bank loan would be nearly impossible. I, for instance, in my normal life, am a vampire, and were I to try to go out to my bank during normal business hours, I would turn into something resembling the dust that collects on all those piles of rejected mortgage applications. But with rocket mortgage, you can apply for a mortgage from the comfort of your own coffin or couch, whatever's easier for you.

And you can easily share your bank statements and pay stubs at the touch of a button, so you don't have to search through stacks of old files and paperwork, which is good for me, since I've got paperwork that goes back to the e-es-faxed-ebburcuit. 80s. The 1880s. So if you, too, find it difficult to make it to the bank because its employees are always fleeing from you screaming in mortal terror or for whatever reason, then check out Rocket Mortgage today at Quickenloans.com slash OHC. That's OHC for orbiting human circus. Equal housing lender licensed in all 50 states NMLS Consumer Access.org

number 3030. Use the Adam Tickets app to buy tickets and concessions. invite friends and skip the box office lines. When you use the code OHC at checkout, you'll get $5 off your entire order through the end of the year. Download the free app, that's A-T-O-M, tickets from the Google Play or Apple App Store. And now, please sit back and enjoy episode one. Now see how much fun you can have with ventriloquism? So let's go on with our lesson.

When talking for the dummy, speak in the front part of your mouth with the tip of your mouth, with a tip of your tongue in back of the upper front teeth. I find some students have a tendency to form their words back in the mouth. This gives a garbled effect like this, and so forth. Now, it should be up in front, of course, like this. I had begun to wonder just... Absolutely, but... Nice!

Listening to the radio. Trying to listen to the radio. Dad, go downstairs? Turn it off. In the grand ballroom at the top of the island. Tower, the red velvet curtains part, and suddenly the giant on-air sign above the stage lights on. Romika, the extraordinary... So the saw's song rings out, filling the ballroom at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and out into the night.

Reaching radios, radios, the world over. But there is one lonely soul who is not. listening on the radio, nor is he watching from a seat in the broadcast ball. At the back of the stage, behind the singing saw, behind the shimmering backdrop to the left of the props closet, tunneled into the brick wall beside the fusebox, a heating duct. And, curled deep inside this heating duct, claustrophobic and alone hides Julian, janitor here at the Eiffel Tower, who secretly dreams of being on the radio. Oh my God, I'm so excited. I can just get all the bit higher. Oh, I can see. Twice ejected from the broadcast ballroom already this week for

disrupting the broadcast. Oh, look out there. It's so beautiful. He now prepares to sneak onto the stage once again. I gotta go in there. I gotta go in. But that's just what he oughtn't do. You see, once inside, he can't seem to keep off the air. Look, look, right next to the vent, there's a catwalk. I'm just going to go up on the catwalk, and I'll hide behind the curtain. I won't say a thing to anybody, I swear to God. But that catwalk, it's rickety and old. It won't hold you. They're dimming the lights. I'm gonna go. Quiet. I'm gonna open the vent. But... Gentlemen, at home, it seems someone has fallen onto the stage from a great height, and is there a medic?

It's Julian the janitor here at the Eiffel Tower. Well, thank you. I'm sorry. Are you all right? Oh, I'm okay. Did you say something about the orchestral? Well, I was just about to pull the blanket off its... It's a bird. Thank you very much, Julian. Moving right along. The orchestral is a...

A rare African bird. They can play all 46 instruments in the orchestra at once. But aren't there 47 instruments in an orchestra? Orchestrals choose not to play the viola. Wow. Thank you, Julian. Listen to that tiny piano. Thank you, Julian.

Well, are you defeated? Thank you. Thank you so much. Another word from our sponsor. We at Samuel Saas are proud to say. On stage as the commercial roles, chaos. The broadcast having suffered yet another janitorial interruption. And with the whole world listening.

And it is. The air is now the most listened to show on earth. Why? The whole world is listening to hear the extraordinary act. Miracles. Impossibilities. They aren't listening to hear the janitor be tackled and bodily removed by host John Cameron, which luckily they cannot hear due to the wisely timed sponsor announcement,

which is about to end and return us to the live broadcast. The leading instrument in all of today's popular music. Saws are flying off the shelves of hardware stores into the hearts of millions. You are listening to the orbiting human circus of the air. Please explain, Professor. We've developed a machine that will allow us to hear the cricket song exactly as heard by the crickets themselves. I have a specimen here. I am now turning on the machine.

Well, here you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the cricket song heard for the very first time by human ears exactly as. heard by the cricket itself. As the little cricket sings its heart out on the air, there is one person who listens not on the radio, nor from a seat in the broadcast ballroom. In fact, he is not listening. Curled in a ball in the janitor's closet in which he lives, lies Julian, janitor at the Eiffel Tower,

crying. I'm not crying. Mr. Cameron seemed very upset this time. I know. I think he was trying to strangle you. I know. He only wanted to strangle me because he really loves the show. I love the show. Then why do you interrupt it the way that you do? All those old radio shows like Jack Benny, they all had these crazy characters who'd come crashing in and everybody would laugh and applaud.

Yes, but those things were planned. Those people were actors. They were... I know. Funny. Yes. Oh, I could be funny. But then I just see that microphone. Well, even professionals get staged, right? There's a million people listening. But it's not that. It's the opposite of that. I...

I love... It's all right. Take your time. What? When is a kid, I always had to hide in the basement, and one time I was hiding by in these boxes, and I found this tape machine. It was my father's.

My father was a showperson. I never met him. He died. And I found that tea machine, I was just so... I started playing with it. You pretend that you're making a radio show. I pretended I was on the stage, and there was an audience, and there were people listening all over the world.

What exactly was your childhood like? Cleaning? Well, I mean, I was one who did all the cleaning in the house, And so I was always supposed to be cleaning. Even when I made the radio shows, I was supposed to be cleaning. Wait, wait, wait. You were supposed to be cleaning, and instead you'd pretend you were putting on a radio show.

Yeah, I'd get in trouble. My stepfather was, one thing he used to do is he'd, like, lift me up by the hair. So he'd barge in and interrupt your show. Oh, you ruin it. The audience would go away. Everything I was imagining would go. away and then it was just being my stepfather. So what happened?

Well, this one time I was pretending to do my radio show, and I was pretending I had this act on the show, and there were these bells. They were the flying bells of Toulouse, and there were these bells that just floated in from the back of the theater, and they floated all around the audience's heads, you know, on the studio audience, and they floated up by the microphone and up by the stage where I was, or I was imagining I was. and it was so beautiful. I didn't hear my stepfather come in

and my stepfather came in and he hit me in the ear and my ear started ringing but the ringing started bleeding but the ringing made the bells stay like normally when he came in everything went away but this time the ringing made the bell stay

and when the bells stayed the audience stayed and the whole thing stayed and suddenly I wasn't alone and I always had the audience after that, no matter what I did, I'd just imagine there was an audience. I mean, I know it's not real. No, no, it's not.

But that microphone on that stage with Mr. Cameron, that audience is real. But that's just it. It is real. Sneaking onto that stage uninvited is no way to make people like you. Not the audience, not the sponsors, and certainly not Mr. Cameron. It's his whole life. And I'm afraid you've shortened. I'm going to make it up to him. I'm going to make it up to him. I'm going to clean his dressing room. I'm going to make it so nice that he'll have to forgive me. You can't sneak back in there if they fire you. Where will you go? How will you eat?

I think I know a way we can get in over here. But who is this personality who cannot resist the bright lights of the stage, the beautiful shining microphones, the hypnotic pull of laughter and applause? Who is this personality? Who has gone so long? far as to imagine a narrator, to keep him company announcing the events of his life, as if he were the star of screen, stage, or story. God, you make me sound like such a freak. Everyone should have a narrator. Thank you. But don't go in there. Jacques Pierre, where are you? Over here. Yeah, we're right here. Look, it's Letitius Saltier. She's cool. She's the chief stage hand. She runs the show. Look, she's not looking, quick, before she comes. So remember, place the German Shepherds on the left side of the stage, and the German Shelf.

shepherd on the right or the sheep they get spooked. I know. We got it. Okay, and bend your legs when you leave the dog. I know. I know, I know. But I tell you, and you don't do it. I won't have you injured. Suddenly, host John Cameron comes rushing in.

Which side of the dog's on? Left, left. Right, right. Did you get rid of the janitor? He ruined the entire opening. Yeah, yeah. We got rid of the janitor. You're on.

All right, all, allay. I am afraid of this janitor. Such a small guy, but such a large, destructive force. Why should it be so hard to keep him out? He's like he can pass through the wall. Like, we need to cause the exterminator. Uh, we're still here.

Oh, back to work! And so, having snuck into the host's dressing room, really a very terrible idea, the janitor begins cleaning furiously. I'm not furious. It's a manner of speech. But as he cleans, he hears, coming distantly from the stage, the final musical number of the evening, which means only one thing.

His favorite part of the show is about to begin. He listens and cleans quietly because each night ends with a story. A feature presentation, a bizarre artifact, real people telling real stories on tape. Well, you'll hear for yourself because here comes chief stagehand. Letitia Saltier rolling the large tape machine passed.

And on to the stage. And on to the stage. The orbiting human circus of the air. What you're about to hear, ladies and gentlemen, is absolutely real. There are some things in life for which words cannot prepare you. We therefore ask you to prepare yourselves for our feature presentation. Goldsby and Rue. When I was nine years old, my father died and we had to move.

And my mother had to go to work. I was often alone, very often left alone in the house. And it was a complete change of locale, change of friends, change of teachers and everything. This was all during the war. And I even remember. being in school in the playground and I remember where the German Luftwaffe plane came over

and he dive bombed and machine gunned but he all laid down in the ground and the plane came very low and all the bullets were going but he obviously was deliberately missing because nobody was hurt it's funny

because I'm sort of recalling now it makes me you know I haven't thought about it for years and years and years years, but I remember that time now. I remember so, you know, so it's all very vivid. What happened from the first step? I noticed that my mother was being snubbed by the neighbours. And I learned it was because she was working for Gouldsby and Rue to barristers.

I had no idea at the time what a barrister did. I had been told by other children that they had never lost a case. I realized they were very famous. They were famous for representing rich and powerful people. And on many occasions, freeing them, even though they were guilty. Got new identities for them and relocated them. Sometimes witnesses were relocated. But defendants being relocated was unheard of.

The press called them Goolsby and rule. Goal like a monster. It was really Goldsby. People were talking about my mother. I asked her why she was working for these people who everybody thought were really, she wouldn't say a bad word about Goldsby and Roo. I was upset that she wouldn't tell me why. And we always had blackouts, you know.

It was dark everywhere. There were no electric lights on. All lights were out, had been blown out. And all you heard was the bombs going off all around. I began to feel lonely and sad. At this time, there was a famous trial going on about the Kensington child murders. It was announced that Goldby and Rue

was going to defend the child murder. murderer. Goldsby and Rue were working my mother so hard I saw less and less of her. It became apparent that they were going to win the case on a series of technicalities. The public was outraged because a child murderer was going to be set free. Everybody knew that he would be hidden and he would be given a new identity. After the verdict was announced, I over a overheard that Golsby and Rue were going to have a celebratory dinner. And so I made a decision. That evening, I followed my mother to Golsby and Rue's chambers.

She went for her keys. She couldn't get in because I had already taken her keys. So she knocked. After my mother went in, I went up and tried the key, tried the key and tried to get in after her. And after the door closed behind me, I suddenly realized I was in the house with the murderer. I was scared of being discovered by either my mother or the murderer.

I can tell you it really was quite scary. So I hid in the pantry. I stayed in there quite a while wondering what to do. At the end of the pantry, there was a light coming under the door. So I went up to the door and peeped through the keyhole and I could see how and where they were going to hide the child murderer. In fact, they were already doing it. There's simply awful things that people see.

They don't want to, but, you know, it just happens and you see it. They were eating him. And I realized this must be what happened to all their clients. It wasn't much fun. My mother was some other place in the building. I got away as fast as I could. My mother never knew that I had been there. We became much closer.

There was no longer a gulf between us. It had dissolved and disappeared. I never told. I never repeated the story. Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower, the orbiting Human Circus of the air. Hiding behind the curtain, the janitor peers out at the show he loves.

Well, that's all for this week, ladies and gentlemen. This is John Cameron. Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower. The orbiting human circus wishes you a good night. This is Robbie Cucciar of the Orbiting Human Circus, and we'd like to thank Adam Tickets App for supporting the Orbiting Human Circus of the Air podcast. Adam Tickets App is the free mobile movie ticketing app that makes going to the movie super easy. As a big movie fan, I am very excited to be using the Adam Tickets app. You know, I don't like waiting on lines.

First, you have to get your ticket and then jump in the concession line, which can be very, very long, and I'm not a very patient man. With Adam Tickets app, that's A-T-O-M-Tickets app, all those inkings. conveniences are taken care of. I can buy my ticket, pre-order my snacks, and without paying for them, invite my buddies. Adam Tickets app also has all the trailers and reviews to browse, so I can do a little research on my movie before committing. We can just arrive at the theater, scan our QR code, and skip all the lines in a flicker of no time. Plus, best of all, you can use the orbiting human circus code, O-H-C, and you'll get $5 off your entire purchases through the end of the year. That's like a free popcorn or drink every time you go. Download Adam. That's A-T-O-M tickets for free from the Google Play or Apple App Store for the ultimate movie experience.

Hello again, this is Drew Callender, and on behalf of the orbiting human circus, we'd like to thank you for listening and thank our sponsor Rocket Mortgage. Rocket Mortgage brings the mortgage process into the 21st century with a fast, easy, and completely online process. Check out Rocket Mortgage today at quickenloans.com slash O-H-C. Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast No, 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9, wherever you get your podcast, boo.