Welcome to Night Vale - UNLOCKED Patreon bonus episode: Holiday

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Cecil and Carlos take a special trip together…and a certain someone joins them. We have five years of bonus episodes available now only on our patreon. Read episode transcripts NEW Night Vale live show! Tix on sale now! Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did you know that for the last five years, we have been making Night Vale episodes for our Patreon members that do not get released on our podcast feed? It's true. There are years of full bonus episodes, behind the scenes discussions, the in-world characters of Nightvale answering questions submitted by our listeners, and all sorts of fun oddities, like a full episode of Steve Carlsberg's In-World podcast, or the bonus episode we just released this month, which is the recording you hear if you are, unfortunate enough to be caught doing something against the rules in Nightvale. That's a particularly fun one. To give you a taste of what you can expect, we are putting up here the very first Patreon-only bonus episode we did back in 2018, a fun one about Cecil and Carlos' honeymoon,

which is interrupted by a very rude guest. If you enjoy, I encourage you to head on over to Welcome to Nightfield.com and click on Patreon, or go to Patreon and just search for us. There are five years of these bonus episodes waiting for you, along with director's notes on every episode, monthly Zoom Hangouts with the Nightville creators, the opportunity to have yourself inserted into the show as a character, and most importantly, we literally can't make this show without our patrons. You would be helping our show exist. So thank you, and we will see you with new episodes in August. Howdy, y'all, it is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026, and I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe.

If you want to see Nightville Live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink,

produced and with music by Dysperition, and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Night Vale for all. all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightvelle star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they

review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB. And if you're a Patreon member, they will review the Middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Summer vacation. It's what comes between spring eviction and autumn vacancy. Welcome to Nightvale. Listeners, a tropical holiday.

Is there any sweeter combination of words in the English language? Well, it is widely said that cellar door is the most beautiful phrase in English. Interestingly, cellar door is also the leading cause of death among Nightvale citizens, but we are not here to speak of the cellar people and their crimes. We are here to listen to me talk about the great vacation I just had. You know, the news. Carlos and I had the most romantic trip for two to the Dueling Palms Resort on the beautiful tropical island of Barambo.

We were celebrating our third anniversary together, and anyway, after years spent in the searing heat of the desert, you just want to take a trip somewhere nice and cool, like the tropics. He was thrilled when I surprised him with the tickets. He said something about the two of us discovering ourselves or something like that, and I was like, okay, yeah, let's do that.

With Margaritas. by a pool. The dueling palms was a jewel, on a jewel, within a jewel. Those three jewels being a nice hotel, a beautiful island, and a crystal sea, respectively. He said something about unpacking, and I said, start with the bathing suit, Bunny, because we are getting in that swimming pool. Cecil came to me with the idea of a trip to Baramba, which is home to the rare irksome screaming parrot

and several tropical-flavored molecules that I had never been able to study in this desert climate. It sounded like a truly great scientific expedition. Yes, the two of us can make such discoveries together, I said. Thinking already of the research papers we could generate just on the parasites that feed on the screaming parrot, let alone the never-before-mapped structure of the island-tastic mango molecule. Oh, can we? He said. Okay, sure. Let's do that. He seemed taken aback that I was

bringing him in on the scientific process, but like surprisingly excited about it. The dueling palms was a first class resort, a third class supermarket, and judged by the standards of a cutting-edge medical research center, it was, well, it was terrible, since it had a few laboratories or medical equipment and mostly was made up of hotel rooms and swimming pools. I'll just need to unpack my lab, set everything up, and then we can get right to work, I said. He suggested we start with some aquatic research, and it seemed as good a place as any. He never gets to do science, so I definitely wanted him to take the lead and research the things that interested him most. I am the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. Yes, I was the

there too, secretly. But they weren't home. They were in a hotel on vacation. Why were you secretly living with them on vacation? You might demand of me, if you were very brave or very foolish. I don't know. I just kind of ended up there. Not sure why or how. But there are worse places to secretly live for a bit. I secretly lounged. I read a crime thriller. Secretly, in reclining beach chair? Secretly, I got a tan. And of course, I saw.

I always see. There were several swimming pools, including a special pool that only those who understood time well enough to definitely say how old they were for sure were allowed to swim in. That one had a swim-up bar, much fewer vortexes than the less luxurious pools, and these super fun underwater speakers that played the pitiful cries of all those who had previously died in the pool. We didn't just lounge and eat, of course.

I mean, that's mainly what we did, vacation and all that. But we also did activities. We ziplined. We rode horses. We rode horses on a zipline, which was complicated and terrifying, and I don't think the horses liked it much at all. Ooh, we also went horse rioting, where we joined a group of horse activists, concerned about the structure of a society in which they are systematically displaced and often forced on capitalist ziplines against their will. And expressing those concerns by committing acts of property violence, it was great fun. The one thing I didn't get was Carlos kept asking us to walk around in the jungle or up hills and stuff.

It was tiring and not relaxing at all. I came here to get away from it all, not to walk around, experiencing, and learning things until my feet ached. The best part was definitely the hiking expeditions we took in search of the irksome screaming parrot. I wore my hiking lab coat and plenty of water in various beakers strapped to my waist. Cecil dragged along the portable broadcasting equipment even though he wasn't communicating. with anyone. He just doesn't like to be too far from a microphone at any time. Isn't he adorable? He is. That was the answer to that question. Like, scientifically, he is adorable. I could show you charts. Like, I should show you charts. Let me get the... All right, never mind. Never mind. You

don't need me to show you charts. Just empirically, he is adorable. Just know that. I will be though, he's not the best research partner. We both went on this trip for the same reason to make great scientific breakthroughs, but he lets his attention wander preferring to spend much of his time waiting about uselessly in that large in-ground tank of water even after I had determined that it was filled with so many chemicals that there was absolutely nothing scientifically useful about it. And then, even more bafflingly, he would want to to just sit by this, oh, for the lack of a better term, pool of water and drink cold drinks.

But the tropical molecules, I would say, we need to study them. Oh, delicious, he would say. Are those under rum punches on the menu or somewhere else? And he was always asking for tiny paper umbrellas with his drinks despite the fact that they would be totally useless against even the weakest tropical shower. There are lots of reasons to love a relaxing tropical vacation.

But I think the biggest reason is that you are often pursued by huge venomous snakes. Many snakes, acting in an unnatural, hyper-intelligent unison to hunt you. Nothing reminds you more about how much you appreciate the one you love than when you take their hand, look deeply into their eyes, and then run screaming together as the snake converge upon your own. briefly human bodies across barren fields of lava rock black. I watched so many couples get devoured. Some by the snakes.

Some by the sharks. Most by the unrealistic expectations they had placed on themselves to be different people in a different couple, if only put into a different context, as if location was the same as self. Which it is not. You are you, wherever you are. Only the quantity of deadly predators surrounding you changes.

It's like they say, you can't run away from yourself. Although if you are ever out one day and see yourself coming towards you, something terrible is happening and you should at least try to run. The scientist and his radio boyfriend were fine. They had some experience with how life-threatening life is and so hardly even noticed all of the things that could have killed them as they traveled. It was left for me to notice, and to write down their every possible death and Sharpie on the insides of their t-shirts.

We opted for the private dinner for two, which was an absolutely picture-perfect romantic situation, in which we got a normal table in the middle of their crowded restaurant, but they draped both of us and the table with a heavy canvas so that no one could see us and we could eat within that oppressively hot and completely dark bubble of romance. It was just dreamy. And the food was so fancy. And by fancy, I mean, it was small.

It was the smallest food. There was a pizza the size of a quarter, a cheese plate that was mostly plate, and a hamburger so thin that it contained no meat at all. Amazing what these chefs can do with these romantic date spots. Carlos and I could not stop talking about how romantic it all was. because the key to making an evening romantic is to regularly announce that it is romantic. He suggested a quick meal break from our studies,

and I agreed, A Fed mind is a useful mind. I will always be saying now that I've just thought of that. Wow. Anyway, but the meal break went on for some time, and he kept steering the conversation away from our science work and instead saying things like, Look how tiny this steak is.

Isn't that just the most fancy romantic thing, how little food they're actually giving us? But I don't see much romance in eating. I see romance in work, in research. Can you think of anything more romantic than working regularly with the person you love? Having your vocation be entwined with your passion, your hands touching as you both try to write

the same long. long equation on the same chalkboard at the same time? Frankly, though, despite his repeated statements that he is definitely very into science these days, Cecil has never shown much interest in the subject, and that is okay. Our interests don't have to match all of the time. I could show you on this other chart where I've mapped it all out, But basically it's fine as long as our interests include each other and a respect for what the other person does. And they do.

They very much do. So this chart shows all of that. See? You can't. I don't know why I'm displaying a chart on the radio. That was so silly of me. Anyway, the meal, the tiny meal, it was okay. I was also crouched under the canvas with them.

I like to crouch in the darkness with people when they think they are alone. I often crouch right next to you when you are alone in the dark. Imagine how startled you would be to switch on a light and find a faceless old woman just next to you, watching, waiting. I enjoy imagining how startled you would be. The talkative one could not stop saying things like, Listeners, this is so romantic. and community calendar time, tonight will be the pinnacle of romance.

Already is, in fact. This has been the community calendar. The scientist just wanted to eat his tiny bites of food and get out from under the canvas. It was very hot in there, partly because I had built a little fire, and was regularly clipping away bits of their napkins and adding those bits to the fire. And then after the meal, they took a walk. and it was here that the talkative one stopped talking so much and the scientists stopped worrying about science

and they walked hand in hand down the beach we walked hand in hand down the beach and I looked at Cecil I looked at Carlos and I understood that even though we were far from home even though we were far from home in this distant place so different from our little town Despite this, I was not distant. I was in a place I know well. A place I know better than any.

Because in each other's arms. In the arms of the one I love. More than any other. We're not even in the arms. This is not only about touch. Although it is also about touch. But just near each other. Close to...

Living their lives that were separate lives. But separate lives lived together. A hand, an arm, a laugh, a kiss. A hand, an arm, a laugh, a kiss. We're just the sleeping, the snoring and the spaying of it. The waking up together, bleary-eyed and warm. We were far from Night Vale, but we had never left home. We were home the entire time.

A home with no geography. A home that has no wall. has no walls or roof. A home that is not a place. Not a place, but? Not a place, but a person. But a person. A person.

And so, no matter how far we ever go, as long as we go there together, we will still be home. A home that is not a place, but a person. Oh, okay. I get why I was there now, because I was secretly living in their, you know.

Apparently I secretly live in metaphorical homes, too. That's good to know. That's good to know. This is a great way to get some free vacations. Well, so, anyway, there's a spider on your leg, and I think it can tell me valuable secrets about you. I'm going to encourage it to have lots of children. Bye.

Hey. Hey. Thanks for taking me on vacation. Thank you for going with me on vacation. See you soon, Poot. See you soon, Bunny. Well, listeners, it is great fun to travel the world with the one I love. The world is terrifying and awesome, and moving around on it gives you new, exciting perspectives on what a dangerous and ultimately fatal place it is.

But despite all the wonders of tourism, the romance of a romantic getaway, there is nothing more solid and satisfying than a romantic, oh, what's the opposite of a getaway? A stay a here? I don't know. But I do know, the only thing better than traveling around with the person I love is coming back again with the person I love. We returned with shared memories, and they become part of our lives going forward, an ocean air and cocktail-tinted waiver to our steady home life routine. And each memory of it becomes a brief echo of that waiver for even a moment. And each moment adds up to an entire life made up of our echoing, wavering memories.

We had a good time in Barambo. Oh, I'm sorry that we accidentally sank it. I thought that was just a large seashell I was picking up. Eh, okay, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Stay tuned next, for the sound of some strange captive bird flapping uselessly against the bars that hold it. And from a home that is made up of the personalized love, not the location I love him in. Good night, Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a

production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson. Original music by disparition. All of it can be found at disparation.info or at disparation.bancamp.com. Thanks for donating, everyone. We couldn't do it without you. Today's proverb, if you get lost in the woods, remember that moss grows on the north side of trees, and also on you if you are lost for too long. Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre.

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number Nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcast. Boo.