Well There‘s Your Problem - BONUS EPISODE 2 UNLOCKED: Liam’s Van

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

roz fell ill owing to too much covid discourse on twitter this week and we couldn't record so we're unlocking this classic bonus episode. In this episode we talk about Liam's van, eastern seaboard scumbag ocean's eleven, hating the amish, and the pennsylvania secret service. RIP Megatronix

Let's start recording. OK, cool. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the second bonus episode of Will There Is Your Problem about that one time I bought a van for thirty five thirty six hundred dollars from an extraordinarily disreputable dealer in the Poconos and how it ruined my fucking life for two years. I was shot by the inclusion of the word hundred. You paid thirty six hundred. Yes, yes, I did. Yes, I did.

I though because I'm dumb as dog shit, Alice. OK, let's let's let's skip all of the introduction shit. You know who we are. We have a guest, Riley from Trash Future. Riley, say something. Hi, it's me, Riley from Trash Future. You remember me from all those other shows. Yeah, the podcast that you're listening to right now.

I forgot momentarily that I'm not the main host of this one, and I actually do have to say who I am. Yeah, I'm I'm Riley Alice Alice's co-host from that other podcast that she does, Trash Future. Yeah, Alice's friend from school. No, we actually also Justin is not the main host of this one. This is all Liam. Yeah, so it's so advanced, everybody. Yeah, this is a thing that we're doing.

Yeah, there's a thing that we're doing with the with the Patreon episodes, where I guess taking it in turns, I guess the next one is going to be something I'll have to come up with. But yeah, this is Liam's show now. I'm very excited. I'm already getting very nostalgic for high school where like a lot, a lot of people were just sort of given vans or cars or whatever. Yeah, the van sort of accumulates around the team.

Yeah, and then just sort of existed in them. That that was the dream, but alas, it was not to be. Yes, what happens to a van deferred? Bad shit, as it turns out. And my parents' neighbor is threatening to call the township because they don't like a disassembled engine block right there in my parents' driveway because they are fascists. True, true.

You're Castlevania. That's what fascism is all about. Yeah, so this is the interior of my 1999 Chevy Express 1500 conversion van, originally manufactured by or redone by a company that no longer exists, called StarCraft, or rather, their van division no longer exists. They went bankrupt some time ago. Yeah, they still make buses and shit.

They didn't build enough pylons. Why did you get a StarCraft van? Because so I have always wanted a van. OK, relaysable. Yeah, and way back in high school, I was going to buy a van and my dad was afraid of whatever impact that would have on my social standing. Probably reasonably so. Yes, because what I was going to do was buy a white cargo van

and paint free candy on the side. And then actually hand out free candy just to see what the township would do about it. Just being trailed around by a convoy of cop cars the whole time. Yeah, come at me, spring guard township police. Or just like health health inspectors trying to like vet you for free candy and then libertarians get all up in their business. That's who I want defending me is fucking John McAfee.

All right, so here you can see the van as it sits right now, right this very moment in my parents' driveway. You can see foam from the seats has come out. You get a John Madden, my van. Yeah, if you want, if you want, I do it. It won't let me use the pen. I can only use the laser pointer. What the fucking the same thing happened

to the Columbia shuttle and your van. You had a foam strike. Yes, exactly right. And then in the middle, right beneath the center console, you could see the partially disassembled engine. If you know where you want it where the way the way these vans work is that they have an extremely stubby short little hood because they just ram the fucking truck engine under like the passengers.

So the seats are heated, but accidentally. I'm just loving all of that walnut paneling. That's so delightful to me. It was so good. It was so good. My favorite part of the van genuinely was the fact that it was so wide. I could reach my arm and not touch my passenger. So you just, yeah, it was a good van. Amazing. That's a good van in this.

In this, the age of me, too. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no. Ignore the free candy joke. Was trying to get the gummy bear that she had like got on the seat. Yeah, honestly, with this van, that Simpsons episode is pretty uneventful. See, Mr. Anderson, I warn you, you're only incriminating yourself further. So all right, moving swiftly along.

If my co-presenter could move the laser pointer to the bank of overhead switches. I thought you wanted me to go to the next slide because I'm your grad student now, apparently. So these controlled the the opera lights in the back. It had additional lighting. One of them was supposed to control the TV that didn't ever work. And beneath the aftermarket stereo that our friend Derek installed, you can see with the DVD drive that was supposed to work and also never did.

This is also one of the greatest vehicles Chevrolet ever made because beneath the steering wheel is the crotch vent, which I cannot emphasize enough how much I miss. So wait, hold on. What DVD has been in that DVD player for the last several years and is still in there? I honestly have no idea. Statistically, it is scary movie, too. Yeah, I was I think Alice has said something very believable here.

I believe that is definitely one of the like parody films of the mid 2000s. It is a parody film of the mid 2000s and also everyone had a crush on Anna Farris. So I did not. Oh, yeah, Anna Kendrick, I will only ever love Anna Kendrick. All right. So dot pictured are the numerous pins of dip and whatever else. Next slide, please. Next slide. OK.

Doesn't seem like a high pressure operation at all. This place is fucking amazing. Can I ask you a quick question before you go into it? Yeah. Is that a bomb that where the hours are on a guitar pick? Yes. Yes. So it's like a rock and roll explosion of the bands. Yes. Yes. Just hold on, Riley.

It gets worse. OK. So. Graphic design is and I cannot emphasize this enough, my passion. Also, what are the specials? What are the specials today? I like the fireworks. They were a truck with like one hundred seventy thousand miles and like a Dodge sedan from like two thousand nine.

I want to buy that truck. I fuck a Dodge neon, but I do want to buy like a truck that has been to the moon and back. I mean, there are worse things to spend your money on, like a van for thirty six hundred dollars. Did you click on the under seven thousand dollars? Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

And I I made the trip up there with my roommate, ex roommate, not do not eat, unfortunately. I don't know what the fuck you were doing. Test drove it. And I was like, yeah, like it needs work, but I'll buy it because I'm a big dumb idiot asshole. Well, those are your exact words. Pretty much.

All right, I'm a moron. Sell me a car, please. He's that one. I I the other thing. One auto kind, sir, was after I bought it, the guy was like, do you want to buy a piece of property? So this is the weird part of Pennsylvania, where all of us have southern accents for some reason.

And the guy was like, what's up with that? Yeah, I'm still not like he was still like a hundred and fifty acre plot of land in the absolute goddamn middle of nowhere. And I was just like, yeah, you could shoot guns all day. Like that was the shit he led with, which like, you know, I mean, too. But it was just like, I do like that idea. You never told me about that thing yet, though. Yeah, you just two years ago.

I know back in 1987. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So sorry, this van purchase was made in two thousand eighteen. Two thousand seventeen. Two thousand seventeen. Alice, are you sticking by your scary movie? Is the TV to scary movie to is the DVD lingering in that DVD player? I was a grown ass man with a college degree when I made this decision.

OK, so. I revised my opinion to suggest that instead it was white chicks. No, it was it was inside Louis and Davis. Oh, I was classic. Yeah, Bangor, Pennsylvania, I heard the newer is is an incredible little town just in the middle of the Poconos and there's just a bigger main bank. Sorry, but in the UK, Bangor, Wales and Bangor, Northern Ireland, also incredible little towns.

I heard something incredible about about having a town called Bangor, I hardly knew her. I should have had the mobile in statue in here. Next next slide, please. Next slide. All right. You just doxed that guy. You just like gave him free advertising. We're like putting up his like office and cell phone number. I will buy the property.

So sorry, this is one of those vans that looks like it has like a bedroom in it. Yes, it had the power couch always work. So basically your Ray from Trailer Park Boys. Yeah, is it a power couch in the same way that a power tie or like is it powered in that? I mean, it reclined when you hit a button. It was fucking sick. It became a luxury.

Yeah, it was cool. You can tell it's good because it's got New Jersey inspection, a state famous for its rigorous inspection. Yeah, you gotta put a crimper on the windshield. Yeah, I noticed in this photo that the floor, the running boards are still attached. So that did that did come undone at some point. Yeah, and see that bump was already hanging.

How is your secret service detail supposed to like ride on the outside? Well, sorry, for President Pennsylvania. Look, you can just sit on the roof of that fucking thing. The clearance was like 11 nine. I think it's a train in India. Yeah, are we saying that like your secret service detail is what? Just like some guys in basketball shorts who are like kind of drunk. Yeah, and we're just sort of sitting sitting on top of the thing.

Secret service with that. Yeah, it's actually just a bunch of Delco trash. You're in a loan. I don't care to be my security detail. You probably would. Yeah, I'm the special president from the middle of Pennsylvania. There's the president of America. And then there's me and we're like, I can't do any accent

other than the one I'm doing right now and astonishingly posh British. There's no other one I can do. But I'm trying to do a Pennsylvania one. If I me and my buddies and my secret service my tail went down the shore and down there to Wawa Petner Avenue. Yeah, this man made it to New Jersey. We'll get there. Yeah, yeah, we'll get there.

To Atlantic City. Oh, yeah. All right. So here you can see me filling the van for the very first time because this is the kind of fucking car dealership that didn't even give you a full tank of gas. Like I'm not not smart. I am not smart.

And I. Yeah. Liam, Liam, what else did you sign? One of you. Well, yeah. Do you have a reverse mortgage? No, I don't. Who owns your organs?

Are you sure it's you? Oh, no, I sold those to a guy named Mike down at the Wawa and Petner Avenue like nine years ago. They said he was in the Pennsylvania President's Secret Service, so it was pretty legit not to brag or anything. You just flash a picture of our Lieutenant Governor up on screen. That is about to say. Yeah, put put put John Federman up there.

You know, we should do when we get when we get much, we absolutely have to do a Pennsylvania President's Secret Service detail like a hoodie or something. Oh, yeah, like a guy with like a flat like snapback, but with like an earpiece. Have you seen? Have you seen what our Lieutenant Governor looks like?

Hmm. How do you spell his name? How do you spell his name? I'm going to put him up here for a second. I'm looking forward to a real to a white guy with white hair and a really oval, almost pointy head. I'm hoping for like Anna Lind, the Swedish foreign minister who has the dreadlocks.

Yes. Or wait, it's either a guy it's either a guy with a really sort of narrow pointy head with balding white hair or it's a guy who's completely spherical. Oh, there he is. There he is. Yeah, rescue. No. Yeah. Yeah, he's like a really left wing guy. He's just he's cool. He's just seven foot ten or whatever.

This is like very similar to when Michael Moore discovered like Richard Ojeda in West Virginia and was just like, why doesn't the left have chads like this? Yeah, it's the position of Lieutenant Governor, in my experience, very rarely goes to a left wing guy. Hmm. He replaced another Lieutenant Governor who is an absolute asshole.

I mean, as far as I'm aware, where I come from in Canada, Lieutenant Governor is just the queen's representative in the province. It's it's not really a political position and more something that's given as an honorific to like other other thing. It's like the vice premier of a province. Got yeah. Yeah. But we fought a war over this.

So isn't it isn't it left? It would be left tenant in us. Yes, I just I try. I'm on an American podcast. So I'm trying to change my usage of words. Yeah, you fucking you don't know the extent to which I Americanize myself for these guys. I fucking capture all of these and I misspell so many things.

Alice, if anyone on this call is keenly aware of the extent to which you are Americanizing yourself right now, it would be me. Hmm. Podcasting is labor, please contribute to our Patreon. There are we are if you're listening to this. This is a good point. Yes, but contribute more. Go up a tier. Yeah, people have started donating 10, 15.

I'm just like, oh, my God. Go go to the like go to the twenty five dollar secret secret service here. Where we like a secret service here. Yeah, but like we should we we we will ship you an earpiece in a flat room and and and then when we do live shows. Amish, yeah, when we do live shows, your job will be to like defend us physically. Yeah, you can be near the stage and tell people where they can't go. This is fucking like what if this is the thing that creates the counterpoint

to proud boys as we accidentally create the fucking wrote camp for bund out of like Pennsylvania guys who wanted to listen to a podcast about a van. We're changing America, David. Next slide, please. Next slide. Why is it the color that it is? It's a real it's real dope, huh? Oh, that's a different band. That's how it should look.

Uh-huh. Oh, that's a big that's a big van. That's a lot of van. Yeah, this is America, motherfucker. That is, yeah, that's that's a pleasant van, though. I like that van. Yeah, this is how a Chevy Express normally looks from this era. Now show me the Pennsylvania Secret Service one.

Yeah, next slide, please. Next slide. Next slide. Already. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is where the Pennsylvania Secret Service earpieces come from. Yeah, totally. Amongst other things. It's where they get it's where they get the out the the speakers, the sound systems that they listen to trapped on.

Oh, a puddle of mud stained. OK, I cannot emphasize enough that this is a real place. Yeah, Megatronics is a real place. I was there and and it's unbelievable. You want to talk about it? You want to talk about your experience? I will talk about my my my experience at Megatronics. We drove forever to go to the middle of nowhere

to go to this barn, which I assume the Amish put up. And and they say car, audio and more, right? Then they mean it doing a lot of work here. The Amish just really into like B sides and rarities from clutch. And the the thing the thing is they have samurai swords. Yeah, yeah, they seem to be like that. They're a car, audio and sword store first and foremost. Look, come on, everybody.

They're an entire people that all have neckbears. Come on. This is the outfaces for our Secret Secret Service. Yes, we will be taking them to Megatronics, our audio and more. Yeah, you will be issued a katana. You'll be issued a katana and an airsoft gun that you'll talk about how it's converted from a real gun. So it's similar. Yeah, you like tried to sell the orange tip off.

I like that like the hours Sunday and Monday by chance. Yeah, that store is absolutely fucking incredible. Megatronics audio is the mega barn bargain audio store where you can find countless items at lower affordable prices. Stop by our Manchester store for just about anything. Car, audio equipment, movies, video games, CDs, digital cameras, TVs with an apostrophe, three players, collectibles, gifts, accessories and more.

The list of treasures you will find is endless, making your shopping experience at Megatronics Audio York, Pennsylvania. Unforgettable. It was unforgettable. What you'll find. We also buy your used movies, video game systems, tools, car, audio, equipments, collectibles and more. Just give us a call. We went in there and there was just our audio.

There were swords. There was home audio. There was like blank DVDs, not like in a spindle, just fucking in a bin. No, you know what this is. You know what this is? Have you ever seen a business where you wanted to like hobo sign for a fence lives here? Like to like carve it into the fence post outside.

Yeah, like unfrustworthy person. I want I want to go somewhere where I could buy a jigsaw. Several Slipknot albums, a katana. You'll find it. I'll find all that and more at Megatronics Audio York, Pennsylvania. Maybe like some out of date Warhammer 40,000 codexes, like just a bunch of different things. So we we went here to get an aftermarket stereo

for the van, which my friend Derek installed. And then as we were driving back from Mountville, Pennsylvania in the dead of night, fucking Brides decided that all we were going to listen to was ABBA. Yeah, I did do that for because I wanted to I wanted to piss off. Yeah, I was very drunk and I wanted to piss off the Amish. Just you leaving the lyrics to Dancing Queen,

half hanging out my window, like jumping off barns. I remember being like, if he had to sit on a side post, whatever, man, like that is that is my Pennsylvania president right there. This this man took a limited amount of drives, but one of them was actually ferrying my friends to a wedding. In York, did you put the like the streamers on it and the like cans and everything? I just want to point out that Megatronics has a Twitter.

Do they at a VIP email list? I'm going to follow them from the from the podcast account. Let's let's see what tweets they have. An extremely it's an extremely good place. I had a nice time there. Yeah, that's a gang endorsement. I think that they did not have guns. OK, yeah, because you might have to do some paperwork

about your obviously fucking extremely stolen. What what what is the Twitter account? I'm searching for Megatronics and I'm like five things down. Megatronics music in Brighton, England. No, Megatronics mobile in Beaumont, Texas. No, manufacturer of logic, locate, Megalarm and Viking systems.

No, what is the what is their Twitter account? I'm searching. I'm searching right now. They deactivated it. At Megatronics audio, I'm following the shit out of this. Yeah, incredible. Five followers and Justin, you are one of them. Yes, yes, Megatronics.

I'm putting this on screen. Please follow them. They are very nice people. I had a very nice time at that spot. So fucking confused. They have they have one tweet, no replies, no likes. And the tweet simply reads as you see there. Hello, Twitter exclamation mark.

Megatronics is your place in the York, Pennsylvania area for car audio and stereo equipment at discount prices. We hope to see you soon. It has one retweet, one like, and it was in the first of November 2015. I just retweeted and liked it. So you are the only. Yeah, you are the only person to have engaged. I'm on the way to making Megatronics a serious social media presence.

We absolutely. Yeah, we absolutely have to make that happen. So one of the drives we took in this van was, like I said, to my friend's wedding, a wedding, which I was not invited to, by the way. And you you crashed it. Yeah, as it turns out, people were very terrified of the van's body roll because, as you can imagine, a high roof van with a V8 in it, you know, just sliding a bit.

It goes sliding a bit. And as I mentioned, our mutual friend, Derek, basically pissed and shit himself. Like this is, you know, like the kind of steering where like you could move the wheel like a full rotation before anything started happening and this being me driving on the back of New York, where I know where the cops are and are not. I'm just like, like 50 miles an hour in a vehicle that should just flash roll over with every every two to five minutes.

That's beautiful. That's that's an inspiration. Thank you. Next slide, please. Next slide. All right. Just so you know, I'm back on on recording now. Yes, really? I have I'm going to I'm going to just tell or the the trash future of people to just get me a copy of audition

for my Mac because this is very, very annoying. This is what the van looks like now. As you can see, parts of the seat is done with the place. Thank you. This is assembled. That's a sheet in the back because I have slept out there a couple of times when I get bored. Of course, you can see the lovely. This is this is why you have to upgrade your

Patreon to get this man a mess. It's got the power couch. Yeah, the power couch way there in the back. You can see if my if my grad student assistant, what do I even pay you for? Well, I see that column with the with the headphone jacks. What here? Yeah. Is that what I'm looking for?

Down here up up up up up up up up up up up right there. Right here right below that. That's good. Below there. Yeah, right there here. So those are head phones. Yeah, those are headphone jacks, remember, because it was supposed to be that every passenger could listen to their own audio feed. You can all listen to competing. Yeah, you could listen to the TV or the radio or CDs.

Uh, if you so chose and no one had to talk to anyone. You could all listen to like independently different albums of Puddle of Mugs or Stains. You and your boys could listen to four different Creed albums if you so chose. Look, look, I'm just saying that I I need Everlast to drive. Yeah, this is this is a medicinal copy of some forty ones. Does this look in fact?

It's I don't listen to fucking Abba. Look, I have a special category of license that you can only get in Pennsylvania, where you have to listen to jump around. It's like one of the DUI breathalyzers, but instead they have to make sure you're listening to the right stained album. This is basically like being on the L when the guy comes around says CDs, DVDs, movies, you know, you can listen to all of those through this really,

really want to buy some like Evanescence or something. Yes, I was not an Evanescence man. I was the my chemical romance man. Thank you. Yeah. So sorry, you get pulled over chemical. My chemical romance holds up a lot better. Like, yeah, sorry. A.V. Lee, your music is terrible. Yeah, the cops pull you over and they see your license has like a straight

a straight black fringe and a spacer. And you're like, I'm going to need to see some Evanescence. Yeah, they look at your name and it has like a bunch of like three X's either side of it. Just incredible. I'm only listening to the minor threat. I've never been to America outside of like New York City, except for one time when I drove to New York City. This is my image of what every other place in America is.

It's pretty good. It's actually pretty close to the entirely accurate. Sometimes it's hot outside. That's true. Yes. Like that. My image of the Southwest is this, but all of the plastic is starting to melt. Welcome to Grover van. Yes, it smells 70 percent worse.

There's like a scorpion living in there that you're only going to discover when it's too late. Several scorpions and a snake. But you're in there, too. The coyote has its own loop for a different stained album. And yet you still think the coolest thing you could do is to be one of Ben Margera's party crew. You just want to be Rob himself.

This van is like fucking the the king and the lander one. Ben Margera deteriorates as this van does. Like it's like a one to one map thing. The power couch breaks and Ben Margera's back goes out. And that's just the power that when the power couch stopped actually going up and down, then Ben Margera did his epically later thing where he's in Barcelona and he forgot how to skateboard.

Yeah. Dude, you're you're like you're a flagship character in Tony Hawk's pro skater three. Don't I am forget it. How's it? Well, it's not Tony. It's like a show next pro van. Oh, I put the fuck out of that. That was a good game.

Yeah, but we just have to like park in different places so you can smoke weed and go to sleep and no one will be like by a horse with it. Yeah, you have to like park on an H and then no, no, no, no. Parking this thing was not no, no, no. Also. In case you're wondering, those seatbelts are movable if in case the the people on the couch way back there want to be belted in. Just to do some like bondage for your car.

So as you do. Next, I was going to say, so if you get into into an accident, then they can just go out in one smooth line. If you can be one thing, you should be efficient. Every every day in the Northwest. Finally, if Riley is correct and this is everywhere in America, then everywhere in America has a folk belief that you'll be thrown clear of the accident if you don't wear a seatbelt.

And that's what this looks like to me. No, it's accurate. No, everybody who's ever driven this van has at least four instances. And this is what they most have in common with France. No, no, I drive better when I'm drunk. I mean, Joe Biden doesn't consider drunk driving a felony now. Apparently, that's true. So he's he's got our endorsement, of course.

I am out of I'm now out of the peach schnapps. Look, I know that Delaware is not the same as Pennsylvania. But if anyone's going to be the Pennsylvania, like the Pennsylvania stupid guy president is Joe Biden. That is Joe Biden cap on that man. Only Joe Biden now Joe Biden was born in Scran. And also is the closest to having the secret, secret service detail. This is true. He has a regular secret service detail.

Yeah, but they all have to wear the flat brems. Oh, ironically, the most Pennsylvania part of Pennsylvania is Delaware County. That is true. God Almighty. Also, I want to be clear. Joe Biden wouldn't be the secret Pennsylvania president. When he would have been doing segregation, because the secret Pennsylvania president is actually his politics are OK. His old Biden is only the secret Pennsylvania president

in the last couple of years. I see you do not know about Pennsylvania politics. Oh, are you going to drop some like York County? Real politics? OK, this is just my imagination. A lot of the state, it's a very bad state. You've been cut off by both a senator and a governor, I believe, at a sheets. Yes, I have. I.

Well, no, I was cut off by by a gubernatorial candidate at the sheets on Queen Street. Scott Wagner, who ran for governor of Pennsylvania last year, once cut me off in line at sheets and then explained that he was in a rush. And I just screamed at him until he went back in the back of the line where he belonged. Yeah. And also, I think I've been cut off in the gas line by

York's representative, Scott Perry, who could absolutely go to hell. That guy is such a fucking dick, one. I just fucking hate the guy. I got two questions. Question one, now that I have finished this disgusting peach based alcohol, should I move to thank you? Should I move to bourbon or rum? And question two, how many confederate flags y'all got up there?

So me personally, zero, obviously, in York itself, your Pennsylvania, the most northern town occupied by the confederacy because we surrendered without a fight, all of them, all of them. York is absolutely racist to shit. And as much as like I've made my peace with the place, it is just a God forsaken hellhole. You say you were cut off by a gubernatorial candidate named Wagner in my Pennsylvania head candidate of the Pennsylvania Cinematic Universe.

These related to Honus Wagner. No, because Honus Wagner was actually pretty cool. Yes. Well, you know, maybe he's like a cool uncle. No, God, why can't go to hell? I fucking hate his dumb face. OK, no relation to the cool Pennsylvania Wagner. Yeah, Scott Wagner is also he's anti-Semitic. He's a whole bunch of awful, evil shit.

And and he cut me off in line in front and in a fucking sheet. I was just the worst thing trying to buy a dip and a monster energy drink because this is York. What? Sorry. You were trying to buy a tin of dip and a monster energy drink because you had to go to work in the Pennsylvania Secret Service. And that's the official MRE of the Pennsylvania Secret Service. That will be the MRE.

Well, what is the nutritional value of like a fucking monster energy drink? No, it's like the nutritional value of that is like you just got a good vibe and you can chill and like, you know, you just like have to center yourself and like stop bothering me. And that's what it says in the nutritional information. You're on the other side of the Susquehanna, so you don't get hoes over there because, jeez, you know, on this side of the Susquehanna, your MRE has, you know,

you can buy any Wawa hoagie as long as it's under five dollars, which is basically none of them now. It's just just just some sounds to me. These are just sounds. Wawa is derived for the Lenape word for goose. I told my ex girlfriend that once and she didn't believe me and then went to Wikipedia and I was right and then yelled at me about being a no at all.

What's up? Yeah, it's definitely taking her side in this one. It's one of those things that like epistemologically, even though it's true, it should be fake. There are. Like you just have made that up. Technically, on both sides of the Susquehanna, thanks to their aggressive expansion into the beach heads, they're in Florida and they're in Washington, DC, too, which is disgraceful.

They've done some like Operation Torch style landings. It is disgraceful. It's absolutely fucking embarrassing because all these DC nerds are just like, oh, my God, have you guys heard of Wawa and it's like, get out of this fucking hell city and just give me some sauce and fuck off. My favorite DC story about this is the DC like wonk lady who is like tweeting at Quiznos about like living dangerously by having a lobster sub from then she died.

And then she died from the thing. I remember that she wasn't a wong. No, Alice, she wasn't a wong. She was a federalist writer and then Quiznos replied to her. It may have been after she died even that and was like, yes, Queen, we love to see it like a fatal sandwich. Why would you get a lobster sandwich? Oh, no, she chain in DC.

It might have been national review. She was either at the national review or the federalist. I remember this like it was yesterday. Death by sandwich. RIP, you know, the thing about Quiznos is, you know, you just like seeing the sandwich go through the big oven with the bear belt. You know, you see, that's the thing about American fast food. It's all the same place and it's different places.

How dare you? Oh, oh, no, tell me more about Timmy's. Tell me more about Timmy's, your one restaurant. Where the fuck is my room? Your one restaurant. No, no, I'm talking about this from a British perspective. Even if you go to a war war, there are lots and lots of war wars. And it's a war war.

It's all fucking allow, isn't it? My ambition to go to a weather spurs. And so it's what Justin, when we do the first live show here, we'll do that. In, in, in the US and Canada, there are lots and lots of chains and fast food tends to be a chain thing in Britain, not so where it tends to more be like fast food is just, it's just like, like a guy just made a restaurant. And then there's some meat on a skewer and you go in and it's, it's, it's just sort of him and whatever he's doing.

And so, Riles, Riles darling, yes, my counterpoint to this has their fucking considered Nando, which is also in the US now and Canada. Oh, really? Yeah. They're all in the DMV. They're all DC, Maryland, Virginia, except I was going to say, I think I was going to say that in the town where I went to university, there was a like a sort of a chicken cottage where they also had really good biryani, which you wouldn't expect for a chicken cottage.

They're just like fast food in the UK is much more of a Wild West than it is. You're suggesting that it's more idiosyncratic and less predictable. And yet this lady got the like lobster hoagie or whatever and fucking died. The least predictable outcome of going to a quiz. Yeah, usually I do not expect to die from eating a sandwich. You expect to feel like it, maybe. Yeah, you know, but like, I don't expect to actually die. No, from eating my delicious hoagie from.

Well, no, they call it a sub at Quizno. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hoagie is a Pennsylvania thing. This is this is this is the most like fucked up thing since finding out that Panera Bread is like a 200 year old company. What? What? No, no shit. It's like they renamed themselves Panera Bread, like some corporate thing in like, I think like 2005 and before that, they were like the St. Louis Baking Company established like fucking 1795 or some shit.

St. Louis Bread Company was established in 1987, Alice. That's close enough. That's cultural appropriation from Italians. But that's true. Anyway, the van. Oh, my German. Oh, right. Yes, the van. Germans. Yeah, next slide, please.

Oh, I'm looking at the wrong screen. Oh, Jesus. All right. So that looks like it's going well. So that is I'll actually have to talk to him before we release this. In this photo. Oh, Jesus, I put way too much rum in this. This is my pal, Derek, drinking, I believe, a trogues pounder and flipping off the camera. Excuse me. Excuse me.

A trogues pounder is the most American thing I've ever heard. Before you make fun of Riley for this, I will point out that the last trash feature we recorded last night, he said that a brand of sparkling water had bubbles that were too sharp. So like bear that bear that in mind before like you decide to like explain beer to him. This is the level he's operating on. Look, Perrier just isn't very conducive to a nice relaxing drink.

Oh, I've killed Justin. Oh, Jesus, that fucking you ever make a rum and coke that is like 98 percent rum? Yeah, the coke to color it. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm just saying that like bad boy is a nicer water to have. Jesus. Carbonation is wrong. I understand this. I also think it's entertaining as indicated by the fact

that I am laughing uncontrollably. Oh, I get I get I look I'm I'm used to getting getting owned for being too fancy on trash future. That's fine. You're an American podcast now. You can be fancy with impunity. That's right. But like normally I'm used to being the fancy one on

well there's your problem. So this is like I'm just taking every opportunity to punch down to punch down at me sinking into a bunch of velvet cushions. Yeah, consumed by an overstuffed sofa. Yes, he should have got a power couch. I'm actually sitting on a chair that I imported from Canada because all the chairs in the UK are too small. Oh, God.

So anyway, so here you can see that miserable, stubby little engine, obviously, half of which is in the passenger compartment. The back doors are open for reasons I'm not actually sure about. Aerodynamics. Yeah. So we drank a bunch of beer or Derek and Ross drank a bunch of beer and installed a car stereo, which for months afterwards, still tried to connect to Ross's phone.

And yes, the first time it kept connecting forever. Like I just have to play music on my phone at any place that was near where the van was parked, they would randomly cut in to becoming a van audio. Just randomly playing app. But then sometimes another car would pass by with a similar stereo system that would not cut in to my phone. Huh.

Megatronics seems to have some ulterior motives here. How have you constructed something that is ostensibly a conversion van and yet so spiritually as a Yute? Rack off, Bill. Rack off me fucking Yute. Rack off me fucking Yute, Bill. Oh, here's another fancy story.

There was a really nice wine shop over the road for me where my friend and I went to go get a couple of glasses earlier and it's owned by a very charming Australian lady. And I finally said to her, rack off me fucking Yute, Bill. And she was like, that's very good. I was like, yes. The greatest thing to happen to me today. Riley, when we do the live show on Glasgow,

we're getting you some buck fast and you can like do. Yes, I can be unconscious at 8 a.m. Yeah. Yeah, sounds like we're going to do some libel. Hmm. Uh, we're Americans, we're immune. That's true. You can't libel anybody. We just did a whole fucking episode about Peter Teal and we couldn't say shit.

So we kept being like, Peter Teal, what a character. Anyway, moving on. Oh, yeah, here's the second audio. Jacks in the back for the the couch passengers. I'm not sure how the hell they're supposed to plug in headphones all the way up there, but that's where it was installed. I'm just spending so much time appreciating the headrest and like the little like

part of the like that's not a body. That's a pillow, by the way. I was going to ask one of the things that I do to like help ease my existential terror at the state of everything is watch this guy who like details vans and like he just goes over them with like a water vacuum and stuff. And I'm just like, this looks like something he would refuse to do. Probably.

Yeah, you have ideas about how to paint the van. Yeah, we're going to do the solo cup. I want to do the solo cup paint skiing the whole way around. That'd be great. No, you know, you're like a wizard fighting a dragon. That would be good. You know, you've got to do you've got to do like an olive drab all over and then the shark mouth from like the flying tigers.

You really good. Yeah. Just on the side of the grill, you just got that's what you've got to do. And then and then you have to paint on the back. Army applicant. Yeah, or like or like Blue Wives matter or something. Yeah, and that's actually that's the Pennsylvania president's official state car. Yeah, that's Penforce one. Penforce one is a van that doesn't really work with a custom stereo

and like an amateur paint job that makes it look like a missile and then a bunch of bumper stickers in the back that are super confusing. And like contradictory. You want like a Bernie one and a Trump one at the same time and like a Tom Steyer one. Yeah, like like one that says lock her up and it's Bernie and Trump high fiving. Yes. Yes. Ross, you want to call the Atlantic City story?

Oh, boy. All right. Yeah, let me tell the Atlantic City story. But now I'm kind of like I should probably I should probably contextualize this with a couple of pictures. I will send you the photo I have of you holding the president's ice bucket. Yes. Donald Trump being elected president of the United States was the dumbest thing to happen. And this has made everything that much dumber and I love that for.

So we need to we need to visit here. We're just going to use Google Maps for this. So we need to visit the beautiful city of Atlantic City. Atlantic City is a good place and anyone tells you anything. Otherwise is a fascist. One might say AC AC is pretty cool. Yeah, they made that show with Steve Buscemi. All right. So here's looking really hot.

Yes. Here's this is where Monopoly was invented. So here's the deal. We drove to Atlantic City in the van. This is the one road trip we managed to successfully complete in the van because there was this place known as the Trump Taj Mahal, as you can see here. Right. This is a casino and hotel. There's also a second hotel next door. That doesn't look like the Taj Mahal. That's the more modern building here.

Right. That had closed down earlier. But the original Trump Taj Mahal was still in operation until two years ago. Right. And then there was a massive fire sale. Right. So they were like normal reasons. Oh, yeah. Because Trump is the only person who can bankrupt a casino. Right. You know, I have a facility that prints money and it's like, no, actually, we're going to go out of business because it's worth shit at this.

Now, there were a wide variety of things for sale at this, including all the hotel furnishings, which is what we came there for. Because I believe we parked somewhere, like at least a block away, I think, wasn't on Presbyterian Avenue. Oh, my God. I think we have a casino on Presbyterian Avenue. Now, I think we probably there is a lot of contrast. Yeah, there are some people in like like Leith who might take exception to that. Let me see if I can go back in time in the street view

because you need to see the stuff that was for sale. But but but but but but. OK, so, for instance, you see these elephants? Mm hmm. For sale. They were for sale. They were for sale. Yeah. How much? Oh, God, we didn't look because we weren't in that. They were sold. They were with the general public. Yeah, they all got sold out there.

They were like POA or some shit. Yeah. Yeah. So upwards of twelve dollars. I would be in the market for like an individual letter off of that sign like I would buy an A or something. So, yeah, it did not say Hard Rock Cafe at this time. Let me see if there's again a place where we can go where the street view has some time functions here. But we stood in the line down here, right?

Oh, we should buy the president's stuff. And and they they said two hour away from this point. Three and a half hour away from this point. No, it's only getting worse, right? Can I ask a clarifying question? Is it mostly MAGA people or mostly irony people in the queue for this? Like most irony people. How would you tell?

Yeah, that's the thing. It's very difficult to tell. I think it was mostly irony people. You can tell because they're recording their podcast. They were also like all New Jersey people thing. It makes it more difficult, right? Oh, so neither. Just just it was just some like New York City, Greater New York City area, Fatso's who were like looking to do a hustle. Yeah, the New Jersey, the New Jersey Secret Service

is like a bunch of Italian like failed cop tryouts. Yeah, just who who all work for security guard firms. But spend a lot of money to go on training. I know who you're talking about. Yes, they spend a lot. They have a lot of opinions about flashlights. Yes, for stoppers. Yes. Give me a hell yeah.

OK, great. Oh, my God, what? There's a crane in the way. All right, so this is what it looked like all the time. Oh, God. Well, notice how there's this banner here. That's where it used to say Trump. They do all the Trump signage down the day they went bankrupt. Right. And then there's this this little sign here. You can just it's very pixelated.

You can see it says liquidation sale. So that's when we were here. Right. And so when they said there was a three hour wait, it actually took about 15 minutes to get in from that point. They were just trying to. So what you did from there is you went through the main casino floor, right? Most of which have been picked clean. And they said, here are the here are the hotel furnishings you can buy.

Here are the the the prices they are. Right. And I was like, you know, the only thing I wanted to get. I was like, I'll get a ice bucket from the president's failed casino hotel. Right. I think that'd be a funny thing to get. Right. The way it's an heirloom. Yeah. The way it worked was you went up. They sent you up the elevator to the 50th floor. Right. And then you were supposed to work your way down

to whatever the lowest floor that was open from. And then you would walk down the hotel or excuse me, you'd take the elevator back down, you would leave, you would pay. Right. So here's what happened instead. We took the elevator up, I believe, to the 49th floor, because the 50th floor was closed off ish. Yeah. Got some great pictures of the death of American opulence. Yeah, we managed to get up to the 50th floor.

And that was this very, very opulent, very luxurious floor. And it's a Trump property, of course. So, you know, the 50th floor was at least in a facile sense, opulent. You couldn't get any of the rooms up there. They were all locked, as opposed to every other room in the hotel. As we walked through and it was like all this stuff that was in there is like not worth getting. It was all very cheap and chintzy. It was not very good.

I did go out on one of the balconies and it was terrifying because, you know, yeah, it was a fucking alarming. Now, here's the thing that was interesting was that, you know, when we decided all this shit is really cheap and chintzy, we're not going to deal with it. We couldn't get out on the roof. We tried. So we decided, all right, we're going to go down, but we don't want to wait for the elevators. All right, let's walk down the hotel, the staircase, right?

So we did that, right? Now, one of the things about the elevator on the way up is the numbering of the floors went one, two, three, 14. Right. And then 14, 15, 16, 17, all the way up to 50, right? So. What happened was. We took a staircase that was on this side of the hotel, right? And we walked down, I think, from about the 46th floor and we walked down to the 15th floor, right?

And then from the 15th floor. We exited about here and we wound up on the space here, right? Which, as it turns out, is not 15 feet above or not 15 stories above the ground. No, it was not. No, of course. No, because we walked down these stairs here where there was a big construction wall at the time.

We managed to get out there and we realized 10 floors in this building did not exist. And we could have stolen whatever we wanted because no one was checking the stairwells. That's also true. We could have walked out of there. Yeah, we could have walked out of there with, like, 10 televisions. Yeah, no problem. Yeah, but it could have been like a sort of Eastern seaboard scumbag Oceans Eleven.

Like, yeah, I went into a casino when I robbed, like, 10 televisions. Yeah, I robbed the president's casino. Yeah. Yeah, this could have been Oceans Eleven. Yeah, that's a real sense, I could have said. That is on paper the coolest thing you could do. And in practice, it's just like, yeah, I got like a color TV. Yeah, I got like, you know, I got like, I got like eight desk phones from the president's casino and they let me walk right out.

It was the perfect crime. We'll never expect it. And what do we do? We walk down the Atlantic City Boardwalk, which is nice because Atlantic City Boardwalk is the perfect, the perfect combination of chintzy and nice. It's just like the Zara world at fucking rule. I love the Atlantic City Boardwalk. It's great.

And then I'm sorry, Van Van, everyone. My laptop is at six percent. And when I plug in the the power cord, I found it crashes garage band. So we might we might want to move to finish next. Next episode is Riley's laptop. Oh, my God. So we got the Atlantic City story and one option is you could save and then plug in the laptop and then I've done that a lot.

I'm doing so much saving. I'm sad. I've just saved. I'm going to plug in the laptop now. Pray for me. OK. Alice, would you would you lead us in prayer? Bismillah, Rahman, Rahim. OK, I'm in and it seems OK. All right. I fucking there is your proof right there.

Brace Islam. Like, if it's if Islamic prayer still works, well, I'm drunk off my ass, then there's that's like the absolute proof to me. It's about to say Islam is the light as it turns out. So that that that Furby was right all along. Yes. Next slide, please. OK. Now that we've had the Atlantic City story, I'm going to tell the story.

I'm going to tell a couple of stories actually here. Yeah, buddy, there she is as of a couple days ago. So I will tell the story. If you what why I'm getting I'm getting there. Is this going to be the fabled engines? Well, yeah, we'll get there. So the van I was driving with my dad to Pittsburgh in this van and it starts to overheat.

And so we're on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and we pull off at a rest stop. And I just like jump various fluids into it in kind of a blind panic. These it makes it another 15 miles down the road and just absolutely fucking dies. I can't turn on it. It's it's it's like completely destroyed. Probably because the engine is full of like piss and.

I didn't know it at the time. And so we a be my dad called my mom to to basically come get us as we figure out its own and get it towed to the shop in like Somerset, Pennsylvania, where the only notable thing that's ever happened is that's where Flight 93 went down. And so we the guys like, yeah, I can't fix this. And as my dad is getting out of the tow truck vehicle,

he slips and falls and breaks his arm. So the van in an active vengeance tried to assassinate my dad, which I thought was pretty rude of it. So why did why did your dad announce the formation of a socialist government that was going to do land reform moments before getting out of the van? My dad's punishment for being a man was the legitimate prime prime minister of the country was elected by over 20 percent of the voters.

So yeah, it gets eventually towed back to York. Absolutely fucking miserable. And the plan when I bought it was to do an L.S. swap. The L.S. is the motor that comes out of a Corvette because I wanted a Corvette. But I basically I had to fix all sorts of other shit in this van that I never really got around to because I don't live in New York. And so I did end up buying an engine block or an engine from a guy

just from like a dude on Craigslist who had done his own engine swap. And he showed up at seven thirty in the goddamn morning with this like flatbed truck and he had his winch and just dropped the replacement engine in my parents' driveway. And he like packed the fattest lip of anyone I've ever seen in my life. And I just want to point out that the one bumper sticker he had on his truck was actually a window decal had a picture of the Continental United States. And it said fuck off or full.

And it was just your county. It was was your fucking county thing that's ever happened to me. It was just like perfectly nice, dude, who I know is super racist talking about dip and this engine at like seven thirty eight a.m. If my parents you know, as the neighbors are looking at us and like all this other shit's happening, I remember trying to give it a jump and how we did that was to drive my mom's Subaru across our front yard.

I will send that photo to you, Roz, and hooking that up with jumper cables. And the neighbors like coming out to yell at us about it. So that was yeah. So as of now, that's basically where the van is today. Next slide, please. So I feel like in Britain, there are a lot more fights because you don't have anywhere to go. I didn't block out my username on the second photo. And you can't see the second photo anyway.

So so we have here. We helped a friend of ours move. It was the one useful thing the van ever did. I we helped a friend of ours move and they have a bulldog. And we took the stuffed bulldog and used him as our mascot for the day. There's a real bulldog. And then there's this stuffed animal version of that bulldog. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

So why does why does every picture of the van look as if the aspect ratio is off because I'm not bad at taking photos. No, I don't think you are. I know the van is sort of like a the van is a slight Dyson sphere or hyper cube like it's stretched in a way that it shouldn't be. Yes, like I don't think you can model this van and blender. No, but earlier when I was saying earlier when I was saying that I think the reason that British have so many more sort of like fights over nothing

as opposed to Americans who just do a lot of posturing over nothing and a lot of peering into one another's lives sort of incessantly is that you guys have so much more space like if there are very few places in Britain where sort of people live in any sort of number where you have enough space that you could drive a Subaru across the lawn to give a motor a jumpstart, but also that your neighbors would be close enough to like come and take an interest in what you were doing. And America seems very unique in this regard.

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it's a history of the subdivision, which we don't really have, I think not like we know we have it, but like we have it in certain bits of the home counties and Essex that are like super Americanized anyway. And then like little bits of like, I don't know, north of Bristol, weirdly enough, but mostly we don't and it's and it seems very straight. That's why so many of these stories, I keep thinking, yes, this could only happen in America because there's just no space for this

to play out in Britain. See, now you don't have cool vans. We don't. No cool vans. No, we only have white vans instead of brown ones. Yeah, we have white. We have white vans and they're often politically charged. Hmm. When was the last time you saw a taupe brown for transit? I honestly fucking never.

They don't they don't offer them in that no one paints them in that. They're just they they're just white vans. They don't know what you can have a van in any color so long as it's white. And that's basically also a Britain's immigration policy. Oh, God. Yeah. The last time I saw a van in on standard color, I was in Canada. So the Jesus. I also remember do not eat

rods yelling God's not real by a fucking car at the Amish. It was a thing you did. I did do that. Yes. You were canceled for doing Internet atheism. Listen, we could do a whole episode about the Amish. There's a lot of problems with the Amish. We're going to do a cut of this versus the comments that like the official podcast account.

But clearly also you made when someone tried to cancel me for being like Christopher Hitchens is burning in hell for this denying Islam. I just want to say to the Amish, God is not real by a car. No, by a train. Fuck. We have we have a real by a car. The Amish Accelabino train by a train. The Mennonites are fine. I stand the Mennonites.

They're nice people. The Amish. Yeah, go fuck yourself. What we need to do is we need to do Dawa and we need to like invite the Amish to Islam. They have the Beards already. They're most of the way there. That's true. We can get them the rest of the way there.

Look, all you have to do is like turn the meeting hall a little bit to the East every day. They don't notice. Have you seen like a fundraising? Yeah, have you seen the Amish like barn moving video where they'd like pick up the barn and they actually move it and turn it? Like, yeah, well, you know, if we turn it in the right direction, it's a mosque now.

And that's how we got the Hagia Sophia. This is true. Yes. All right. It would take a lot of people to move that. That is all I've got on the van. Please buy my van and you get a free extra engine. Yes, you get two engines with the van. How much do you want for the van?

Honestly, at this point, it's almost to just come fucking take it. They're going to have it. What about a new Patriot tier? The van. Get my van. Talk about this. Yeah. By the end, there are two new Patriot tiers.

There's Pennsylvania Secret Service and then you have to make that one. We have to make the Pennsylvania Secret Service, both tier and merch. I will absolutely wear a Pennsylvania Secret Service shirt if you make one, Justin, Justin, you got it. You got to talk to the Union printer guy about making some like Pennsylvania Secret Service shirts. I would absolutely wear a Pennsylvania Secret Service shirt as long as the vet is on that shirt.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's like a bunch of guys in flat prims with sunglasses, like with their fingers to earpieces, standing in defensive formation around the van. Oh, no, I like it that they're running with one hand on just a terrible panel. Yes, that's perfect. And they all they're all wearing shorts and it's clearly winter. That's just me. It's just a whole bunch of bees.

I have a Pennsylvania Secret Service. All right. Do we have anything to pitch? Listen to Trash Future once again. Yeah, listen to Trash Future podcast. We talk about stuff. It's me and Alice and some other people. Yes, it's me and Riley and some.

I don't drink when I record that one, but I drink when I record this one. We were very strict about timing and structure on Trash Future. Yeah, I become a salafist for like an hour or a week. And then afterwards I pour an entire bottle of rum into a glass that has had a bottle of like Pepsi waved at it. Pennsylvania Winston Churchill. Oh, fuck, that's true. This is this is the Pennsylvania Martini.

All needs is like to be drunk out of like a plastic. We will fight on the Jersey Shore. We will fight on the. We will fight it into Altoona. We will fight in Williamsport. It's a Prime Minister Churchill. How how how dry would you like your Pennsylvania rum and Coke? Yes, just what put it in a cracked plastic cup that had Pepsi in it yesterday.

That's how you get that interesting flavor, though. A bunch of dead flies in there. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Pennsylvania Secret Service is absolutely a joke. We're going to carry over to Trash Future and they're not going to know what we're talking about. We're going to have to have some intertextuality. If you listen to one, you have to listen to the other sister podcasts. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

All right. All right. I'm set. So we have so we've done the podcast and this is the end. Anyway, John Philly Transit Writers Union. You can see me sometimes talking about stuff in real life. Not on a podcast. Hmm. Vote for Rebecca Long Bailey for Labor Leader, I guess. Yes.

Vote. Vote. Vote. Becky Long Bailey, I guess. The ringing endorsement. It's what she deserves. Yeah. I don't even understand the labor politics now. Like what? What? What? What? What? What's the? Nobody does.

Yeah. Nobody does. I don't have 12 hours to record another podcast to explain. We'll just we'll tie it into like the Airbus episode. It's fine. Yeah, that's fine. We'll do that. All right. All right. So that was. That was a podcast, I guess.

Yes, I will stop recording now. All right. Yeah.