Well There‘s Your Problem - Bonus Episode 39 PREVIEW: The Ford Pinto

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

just a smol bean watch the real episode on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/posts/102406497

I don't know where to stick this in, so I figured it is definitely a carefree car, as demonstrated by the fact that this morning I received a Twitter DM from my mom. Oh no. Which I will now read out. Did I ever tell you about the time I was in the back seat of Pinto and the people in the front seat decided to be a fun to go down Thrill Hill, pronounced Threel Hill, in Buena Vista, Virginia. It's a steep downhill road.

You start at the top and go down as fast as you can until you hit the bump at the bottom and then you're airborne. We got pretty decent airtime. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if we had been in a different model of car." LORENZO & have been able to square this circle of, like, the small subcompact, is to make it fun. Right? And Ford is kind of like, it tries to do this, it takes a while to dial it in, the carefree thing is an attempt at that. I will also say one of the slogans that they later had to take off the marketing campaign

was, Pinto gives you that warm feeling. Um. ALICE AND LIAM LAUGH LIAM AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH ALICE AND JUSTIN LAUGH Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans.

Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. Beans. proud of you, Leo. It's coming for all of us again in old age, so, y'know. Just make your peace with that town. I'm basically ready to be a dad, because as I was explaining to Karid, poop just does

not bother me. This is the thing, you have this age where like, first, the four ages of man, I guess, you shit yourself, you don't shit yourself, you watch your kid shit themselves, and then you shit yourself again. ALICE What shits itself at night doesn't shit itself during the day, and shits itself in the morning. LIAM Uh huh. Yeah. JUSTIN The trick is shitting other people.

ALICE Yeah, you seldom shit anyone else's pants, do you? LIAM Oh, don't... you don't know me. ALICE LAUGHS. The rare transitive shit. ALICE LAUGHS. If we go to the next slide, I will also say, as far as fun goes, you did, they did a sports trim, one model year, the sports accent group, you could get this on a Mustang, you could get this on a Maverick, or you could get this on a Pinto.

I will also say that this still pales in comparison to the AMC Javelin's sport package, which was jeans. What?! You get a Levi's denim Gremlin. You get the Dremelins. Oh my god! Dremelins kit, yeah. Yeah! I would, like, literally kill for the jeans Gremelin.

The Dremelin. I... the jeans Gremelin sounds like something that you start seeing once you take 400mg of Adderall and you work in a Levi's store. I... It came with denim seats! Whoa! Get that denim on denim on denim feeling as you wear your Canadian tuxedo to drive your gremlin.

Yeah, no, it had Levi's badging. It's the coolest... Like, that's the thing. Again, the pinto? Cool. That's great and all. Gremlin? Much cooler.

You get into a low speed accident and just going off the seat you like rug burn your entire asshole off. You're dead in the lode. You just get sanded. You get your ass degloved. ZACH You're getting your ass kicked by the sales rep. LIAM Looks like right here from the loo, you're gonna get your ass kicked by the horse. Probably in the chin.

ALICE It really does look like a car that's been kicked in the head by a horse, yeah. But you could get like an orange or avocado, like, dual color situation, and nicer seats, and like a different steering wheel. JUSTIN This would probably be really good on Threel Hill. ALICE Yeah. Yeah. On Threel Hill.

If we go to the next slide... Again, I've picked pictures of sad pintos. Sad old pintos. That looks like a car from GTA you start with. Now you can say it! You were saying pita, ah, mm, you're a fraud. The thing is, I can do it, I just was choosing not to, to annoy you. And I was being gracious, but so...

I drive it a pinto, I make it a cuacabole. This pinto, as you can see here, one of the key, like, aspects of inventing fun was inventing the hatchback. And Ford didn't know how to do this yet, so the early models just had an enclosed trunk, and it gives it this effect of a really fat ass. Like, because it's so long over the... JUSTIN This is incredible's first car. ALICE Some of us like that.

ALICE Genuinely. I wanna slap this car's ass. It's incredible. They did, ultimately though, if we go to the next slide, invent fun. And this rules. This just fuckin' rules the hatchback. It looks like... It looks like, uh, this is the budget A team van.

Yeah, the B team. The B team. Yeah, keep going down the alphabet, baby. You can tell the level of like, thought I've put into all of this by the fact that we're moving through these slides pretty quickly. If you go to the next one, because... You could get it as a van! Look at this!

Oh, look at her! This thing is... Ha! It sucks. Yeah. People have done gay things in this, people have done straight things in this, people have... Oh, the French color for Taj.

ALICE I mean, today you only get one color on your car, and this one has, like, five colors. Yeah. LIAM Five. Dude, this thing SLAPS. ALICE Yeah, like, you could genuinely walk into a car dealership and buy one of these and the question would be like, what color do you want the stripes?

A question we've never asked about a car now. JUSTIN You know, we used to be a real country. This is what they took from you. ALICE The second I get a car, whatever it is, I'm putting some fucking stripes on it. JUSTIN It adds horsepower. ALICE Next slide, please. It does.

This is just a magazine ad that I include simply to say, you will never be this happy, you will never have this much fun. The liberal stoic allowed you to have this now. RILEY I do actually know a guy who's got a, basically, it's an old 70s van, with a bunch of shag carpet inside. And I do, I can't confirm this, but I do suspect he gets the most laid of anyone I've ever met. It's got the little bubble windows and everything on it, it's so fucking cool.

ALICE The chairs rotate to the back, so that you can, as it says, easy livin'. Which is Ford copy for getting your dick sucked. SEAN FUCHT, like, fuck in and suck in and suck in and fuck in. Yes. JUSTIN Yeah. We're the Ford Motor Car Company, and we can guarantee you will get fucked in this van. SEAN Or do the fuckin'. Whatever you like, please just give us $3,500, we need it so bad.

ALICE Cruising wagon. I mean, what more could you possibly ask for? It's like, it's like good Big Bill Hell. Like if instead of Big Bill Hell being aggressively like, we're going to fuck you, it's like, sensuous. Like, we're gonna fuck you. We're gonna make love to you. I love Baltimore, you will get fucked.

Everyone's getting laid tonight at Big Bill Pulse. But yeah, so, the Pinto's like pretty well received as it turned out. People liked it. Like the brakes were a little bit underpowered was one of the complaints. You get the four wheel discs! They're fine. You gotta go for the upgrade package. Come on, that's why you have automotive journalists.

We tell you what options to get. You just buy the base model. You got like 20... Ford claimed you got like 23 miles per gallon on this. Which is not bad. I mean, to be fair also, you gotta remember that like, EPA standards have changed, so like, a 70s 23 miles a gallon is like a 2020s 17. Meanwhile the Civic was getting a 70s 42 miles a gallon.

ALICE Yeah, but like, on the other hand... RILEY Yeah, I mean... ALICE It's got stripes on it. And if you buy a Civic you have to put stripes on yourself. RILEY The depressing things, you look at this, and all of our incredible improvements, and you know, engine efficiency and so of our incredible improvements, and engine efficiency and so on and so forth, all went to making cars heavier, as opposed to making them more, get better mileage. ALICE Yeah, yeah.

Or making them look better, for that matter. ZACH Well, and then there's the whole way that the footprint rule worked out, so that... The EPA actually, like, kind of, they just released their new efficiency guidelines through 2030, I think, which is where Joe Brandon said he's going to kill the gasoline car and he's going to beat up all the conservatives who won't drive EVs. Cool. That was the popular thing.

It was actually a watered down version of what most environmentalists actually wanted. But in that 800 something page report, the EPA kind of is like, hey, we're really sorry that we killed all the small cars. Everybody told us this at the time when we came out with the rules in 2011. And looking back, it turns out they were right. We did. We do. We could do a whoopsies. I hope you like it. 7 hundred pedestrian fatalities a year like a whole Probably on like EPA regulations that backfired Well, the thing is also like that is I know more about that shit than I know about anything else because I've written a bunch Of articles about it. So I we can just do it right now. We don't even need slides. I'll just fucking go It's fine. I I gonna sideline you with my

own flying about, for example. SEAN Where's the spreadsheet, I gotta write this down before I forget, as I usually do. ALICE Oh, God. Jesus. We have so many episodes planned. RILEY Just let me write another book really quick. ALICE Look at his desktop!

Jesus Christ! SEAN No, I don't know where the spreadsheet is. ALICE Go to the next slide. SEAN Oh yeah, hold on, I just't know where the spreadsheet is. Go to the next slide. Go to the next slide. Oh yeah, hold on, I just found the spreadsheet. Next slide, next slide, go to the next slide, go to the next slide, go to the next slide. Thank you!