Well with Arielle Lorre - 108: How Jail Saved Doug Bopst's Life + Overcoming Addiction and Shame

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

In this episode I’m talking to author, speaker, podcast host and trainer Doug Bopst about how he overcame years of addiction, shame and self loathing—and how being incarcerated on felony drug charges ultimately saved his life. Whether you have struggled with addiction or not, Doug has helpful tips for how to create habits to live your best life; how to change negative self talk; what habits to start doing today for a successful future; how to help a loved one who is struggling and so much more. We talk about our shared experience of using drugs and external things to numb uncomfortable feelings, and how to change that behavior in the present.   www.Headspace.com/BLONDE for a FREE one-month trial with access to the full library of meditations. www.Helloned.com/BLONDE for 15% off your first one-time purchase or 20% off your first subscription, plus free shipping. www.Sakara.com/BLONDEFILES for 20% off your first order.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So, would auto-huees-on-sondergare. Go to your rise-adviseur or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lori, and I'm here to talk all things

wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits. I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all and live your best life. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. Today, I'm talking to Doug Bobs. He is an award-winning personal trainer, author, speaker, and podcast host of the show The Adversity Advantage, which I was on recently, so make sure to go check that out. He turned his life around after being incarcerated for felony drug charges, and he has a lot of advice and tips to not only overcome adversity, but on how to overcome things like shame,

negative self-talk, self-loathing, and more. So we talk about all of that. we also talk about how to best help a loved one if they're struggling with addiction. We get into his addiction, how to create habits to live your best life, creating new pathways in the brain to better deal with adversity, and so much more. And this is just a really honest, vulnerable conversation. And even if you don't have the experience of being an addict, there's something here for everybody. So enjoy.

All right. Welcome, Doug. Ariel, thanks for having me. Nice to see you again. I just went on Doug's show last week. So if you guys have not checked that out yet, make sure to go over to the adversity advantage and listen to that. We had a great conversation. And I'm excited to continue it here. You have such a fascinating story. And I think just having listened to you on other podcasts and getting to know you a little bit, you have so much insight and just such an interesting perspective to share. So to start out, why don't you tell everybody how you ended up in jail

and what that was like. I'm going to just jump right into it. Yeah. So it's interesting. I host a podcast today called The Diversity Advantage. I'm also a speaker. I've been a personal trainer for over 10 years now and I've written a few books, but it wasn't long ago that my life was in complete shambles. And I was in the depths of addiction. I was suicidal and I was incarcerated on family drug charges, as you alluded to a few minutes ago, that I was in jail. And growing up, I used adversity to my complete disadvantage. And I had so many insecurities. I had so much trauma and so much pain. And I was looking for the first possible chance I could get to escape. And some of the things that I struggled with was my parents got divorced when I was five. I never had a girlfriend in grade school. I was always the kid who

liked girls, but girls weren't interested in me, at least the ones I was interested in. I loved sports, but I was never any good at him. And I was picked on and bullied. And so you can imagine these layers of insecurity and the quote unquote, what's wrong with me questions that would start building up in my mind. And as I look back now, I think the first opportunity I got to escape was through food. And I would eat donuts, I would eat pop tarts, I would eat breakfast meat, sausage, bacon, tons of pasta, you name it. And I think the thing I also struggled with is like, well, I'm eating the same amount of food, I'm eating the same foods as my friends, but just a little bit more like, why am I gaining weight? And so when I was 10, 11, 12 years old, I started to gain some fat. I started getting

a little chubby and having to wear husky pants. So now I'm asking even more questions of what's wrong with me? How come I'm gaining weight? My friends aren't. And so that led me to becoming depressed when I was younger and, again, having so much pain and insecurities that the first real chance, I think, like the first major opportunity I got to escape after food was through marijuana. And I remember getting offered a hit of a marijuana pipe from one of my friends. And the first hit I took, I felt like this monkey come off my back. You know, you and I talked about your first experience with alcohol and what that did for you. I had the very same feeling. I felt like I could be comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I could

be myself. I didn't have to worry whether I was ever going to find love. I didn't have to worry what my parents' relationship was going to be like. I'd have to worry if I was ever going to succeed at school. I didn't have to worry about my fears. My anxiety is nothing. And so mind you, like we talked about how I went to jail. I never thought in a million years that after me smoking pot that I would go to jail. No one thinks that way because if that's the way it was, most if not all people wouldn't start smoking pot because the risk is too high. And so what happens? you have to keep chasing that numbing feeling. So one hit leads to two, leads to three, leads to four. And now I'm smoking it every day because I've developed a habit. And this stuff obviously wasn't cheap back in

the day. I don't know what the cost is now, but when you're 14, it's hard to afford something like that. And I started selling a little bit to support my habit. And this created some strain and intention in my home, in my family, and my mom ended up busted me with a little bit of pot on my 16th birthday, kicked me out of her house because up until that point, I was making some other poor decisions too. And I changed schools within 24 hours. I went to go live with my dad who lived about 30 minutes north. And you would have thought, I guess, that I would have changed my behaviors, changed my habits because they're pulling me out of my environment around different people, different atmosphere, but no, it gave me more trauma, more pain, more insecurities. And I found

new friends to get high with, started smoking even more pot and barely graduated high school because all my friends and I did was we would ride around, listen to music and get high and we would skip class a lot of the time. So we would barely go to school. And so I graduate, I barely graduate high school. And all my friends, a lot of them were going off to college and I didn't. And so that created some more quote unquote, what's wrong with me. You see where like this theme of what's wrong with me. I felt so uncomfortable with who Doug Bobes was growing up that I had to force something inside me from the external to fill that void internally. And after I graduated high school, I started to sell drugs now, not only to support my habits, but to make money. And I was picking up,

you know, anywhere between a half a pound and a few pounds of pot every single week to sell. And then on top of that, I started experimenting with Coke. And my addictive personality caught up with me and just like one line of Coke turned into me doing a gram a day, a couple grams a day. And then I was doing an eight ball a day. And the problem was for me, I had to do that. I had so much anxiety growing up that cocaine and anxiety go about as well together as somebody trying to lose weight and eat pizza every day. It just doesn't work, right? So now I have this crippling anxiety. I'm selling pot. I'm at a place. I'm around 18, 19 years old where I just have no idea what I'm doing with my life. And I started getting really bad panic attacks whenever I

would smoke pot. And that was the one thing that I identified myself with was hanging out with my friends, getting high. And if I didn't do that, I didn't know who I was. And so every time I smoked pot, now, I had a panic attack. I ended up going in the emergency room a few times because I thought I was dying. And rightfully so at the time, I was smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, overweight, out of shape. And I was like, maybe I am dying. And I had also lost people I knew friends to drug or alcohol-related deaths at the time. And so, of course, the logical person would have said, okay, Doug, you've gone to the emergency room for panic attacks that were caused by smoking pot. Let's change your behaviors. Let's change your friends. And I'm like, no, I need to do whatever I need to do

to stay in this destructive cycle. And I'm like 19, 18, 19, and one of my friends offers me a 5 milligram percassette. And the same monkey that came off my back when I took that first hit of pot came off my back again when I did the percassette. And I had no idea how addictive pain killers were. Now, mind you, I want to also say I knew I wasn't putting kale or spinach into my system. I knew it was something bad. But I thought, well, I'm not doing heroin. I'm not putting a needle in my arm so it's okay. And again, I had to keep chasing that same numbing feeling because now I could get high off pain killers and get high off pot and not have anxiety. So five milligrams turns into 10, 20, all the way up until I was doing three, 400 milligrams every single day to support my habit,

spending hundreds of dollars a day. I literally had to do 150, 160 milligrams in the morning just to be able to get out of bed. Half my left nostril was missing. And my life was quickly heading into massive turmoil if it wasn't already.

And as I look back now, one of the greatest, one of the biggest setbacks I thought ended up becoming one of my biggest blessings and here's what happened. So Cinco de Mayo of 2008. I was 20 years old. I was riding around

with a few of my friends to go make a drug deal. And I had a half half pound of pot in my trunk $2,000 in cash in the glove box and a cop sitting there running radar. And I sit there and I'm like, all right, there's a cop. I flash my high beams at him thinking it's going to mask the fact that I have a busted headlight that I've been meeting to fix for months, which I didn't. And instead of it hiding that, it gave him a reason to pull me over because when you flash your

high beams, it lets somebody know there's somebody a cop running radar. He pulls me over. One thing leads to the next. I'm out of the car. He searches it and finds the half a pound of pot. and $2,000 in cash and I'm in handcuffs. And in that moment, I don't know if anybody listening or area, I'm sure you can relate to this,

where you wonder how you got to that point where all these decisions just come to a head and you're like, how did I get here? How did the kid who just wanted to be good at sports? How did the kid who just wanted a girlfriend? How did the kid who just wanted to be loved? How is he in the back of a police officer's card now potentially facing felony drug charges? Like, how does he get here?

And I'm arrested. I'm taken to jail and I'm charged. with a felony possession of marijuana with the intent to distribute. And I thought my life was over. And I end up going to court a few months later, which was September of 2008. And the judge looks at me and he pretty much in my mind threw the book at me and sentences me to five years in jail but suspends everything but 90 days, meaning if I had to do, if I messed up on my probation or, you know,

failed a drug test, I could have potentially gone and done the full five years. And so five years, everything suspended at 90 days, five years probation, 200 hours community service, all kinds of fines and drug classes. But he looks at me. And he's like, Doug, if you complete everything without messing up, no misprobation appointments, no failed drug tests. You do your time. You do this, you do that. I'll take the felony conviction off your record at the end of the five years. He's like, I'm giving you a break.

I'm like, break. I'm like, after all that, that's a break. And I'm like, whatever, man. And I was like, you know, I'm not going to live to see my 25th birthday anyway. I'd already buried several of my friends. I was high in court. I was going to get high when I left. So I was just like, whatever.

I'll take whatever the sentence the judge gave me. And I end up reporting the jail a few weeks later. Ironically, it was a week after my 21st birthday. And when I walk through the gates of the detention center, I cried because I didn't want to go in. And when I left, I cried because I didn't want to leave. Like something magical happened. And I get in there and I'm scared to death.

I'm frightened. I'm terrified. Because, I mean, I'm the kid who was unathletic. I'm overweight. I'm just terrified of everything that, how am I going to survive? And on top of that, I had a horrific opiate addiction to kick. And so once I got into jail, I detox cold turkey from the opiates for about three weeks, which for those who are listening who don't understand what that's like, it's like having

the worst case of the flu nonstop for weeks. And my soon-to-be cellmate was sitting there playing Scrabble, and he looked like a more jacked version of Brad Pitt from Fight Club. And he started asking me questions. Like, what are you doing here? I started sharing a little bit of my story. And he could just tell my shoulders were rounded forward. I was very quiet.

I didn't have any confidence whatsoever. He's like, you're going to start working out with me and your detox is over. I was no way, man. Are you kidding me? Like at the time, like I said, I was 50 pounds heavier than I am now. It could have been a model for Pillsbury. I was like, there's no way. And that night, I see him working out.

And he's doing all kinds of pushups, pull-ups. He's running in the gym. This guy's literally doing like thousands. of pushups, like hundreds of pull-ups, like working out nonstop for like hours. I'm like, who is this guy? And finally, after him begging me and encouraging me and like, he just kept pushing me to exercise, I finally decided to give it a try. And what was one of the most pivotal moments, I think, was when we were in the cell one night. And he was asking me more about my story. He's like, why did you get here? He's like, what happened? And I was blaming my parents,

blaming the girls, blaming the fact that I was cut from sports teams. And he said, quit being a victim. I was like, I was like, what? Would you just like, in my mind, like, what did he just say to me? I was like, my life's been so bad. He's like, you're blaming everybody else, but yourself for getting yourself here. And he's like, there's so many people that go through situations that you went through that aren't in jail. He's like, you got yourself here and it's on you to get yourself out of it. He's like, listen, you got two choices. You can either be a man, look at yourself in the mirror and say, I got myself here and I'm going to do whatever it takes to change my life or you can be a victim, go cry in the corner and say, woe is me,

blame everybody else. He's like, most people will do that. And area, I got to tell you, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear in that moment. And it empowered me. I was like, wow, I finally feel like I have some power. I think he's right. I need to change my life. And I remember getting down to do a pushup. Couldn't do a pushup.

Couldn't even do one from my knees and could barely walk up and down the steps because I was smoking a pack and half a cigarette a day at the time too. And with his motivation and encouragement training me in there every single day, I was able to do a set of 10 push and run a mile because we had set a goal when we started working out to my big goal was to be able to do a set of 10 pushups without stopping and run a mile. And he didn't give up on me. He helped me accountable every single day. We stuck to the plan. And I felt this confidence, this light bulb golf in my head that I, that never went off before where I had this, this untapped confidence. I felt like I was going to beat addiction.

I finally was able to get comfortable, being uncomfortable. I was finally able to walk with a different swagger. My shoulders were now back. my chest was up. I was telling myself that I could instead of I can't. Like all these things change just through exercise. And I don't think it's not like I just did the set of 10 pushups and was able to do the mile that was like, all right, that changed everything completely. I think it was what the effects of that and what it gave me, the self-esteem, the confidence and that sort of thing. Things like anxiety and insomnia can truly be debilitating. And if you're like me,

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You know those things you are too embarrassed to talk about when it comes to dating, like when to say I love you, how to define the relationship. Well, We Metatacmi touches upon all of those subjects and more, and we get right into it with our guests and talk about their dating lives and also what not to do when it comes to dating because we're all kind of confused together. So you can tune in every Sunday to We Metadac. me and maybe you can learn a thing or two while I learn a thing or two. There's so much, first of all, so much that I can relate to. And we talked about this before

when I went on your show or maybe before we even started recording, but something about like having that shared experience of having gone through addiction because our experiences are totally different, but the feelings are the same. And a lot of people ask me, so I want to hear your take on this. Do you think that there's something that could have been done that would have changed the trajectory of your life. I mean, you said that, you know, you had, you felt like you were the victim and you felt like you were uncomfortable in your skin. And it sounds like you didn't really have an outlet or somebody to share those things with. Do you think that if you had that, it would have changed your behavior? Or were you just kind of off and running?

I feel like I was just off and running because I think the things that I would have asked for would have been a bit more unrealistic because what I really wanted it was I wanted a girlfriend. I felt so insecure that I was one of the only kids, if not like the only kid out of my friend group who never had a girlfriend in grade school because I was either too afraid to ask out the girl that I liked or I was just unconfident with who I was. And rightfully so, like I wasn't the most attractive guy. I'm not even talking about physically, but I mean, I was a guy selling drugs, doing drugs, 50 pounds overweight, no confidence in myself. So why would a girl, be interested in that. And then I also wanted to be good at sports, which unfortunately just

wasn't my gift at the time. And so regardless, I was still looking for external things to fill me internally. Like I was hoping that if I had a girlfriend, I'd be happy or if I was good at sports, I'd be happy. And as I look back, I still probably wouldn't have been totally happy with myself because that would have been another drug in itself, just chasing something else. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I ask because I have so many people who follow me and they have somebody in their life who's struggling with addiction. And everybody wants to know what to do to help that person. And, you know, I kind of believe that like people have to hit their rock bottom and everyone's rock bottom is different. My, you know, they don't necessarily have to end up in the hospital having seizures or they don't have to end up in jail. But it's really hard to say something to somebody who's in the throes of addiction that's going to make them say, oh, you know what? Actually, I'm going to stop. doing this. It's more of like an experiential thing where they have to experience it themselves. But if somebody is, you know, in a relationship or they have a family member or a friend or somebody who's struggling with addiction, do you have any advice for them on how to help that person?

Yeah, it's interesting. Today I had on my show, the episode that came out today was a very like a prominent authority. Heather Hayes, she's an interventionist. She's a hostage negotiator. And I asked her this question on my show. And the feedback that I got is you really want to let them know that they are loved and that they are heard and just talk about all the good things that you see in them, right? Because I think what happens is when we find out somebody close to us is hooked on drugs or something that's devastating to their life, we're emotional and we get very reactive and we want to try to fix it right away. But what we don't realize is you can't fix a long-term problem with a short-term solution. So shaming the person isn't going to help

And I think also asking questions, like not why are you doing this, but like what's going on? Like, how can I help you? How can I support you? And letting them know that you're not going to leave them. And I don't mean financially or where you're quote unquote enabling them, but like emotionally. Like asking them what they need and letting them tell you. Because I think so many times we think that we know other people better than they do. And we have to sometimes realize, like you said, they have to change.

they have to change when they want to change. But I think there's a certain way that you can kind of bridge the gap between that so that you don't push them further away. Because you just imagine what would happen to you if you were struggling with something in your life and somebody was saying to you, why are you doing this? I can't believe you. Like, you already feel like crap. So the easiest way to make that person feel even worse is to shame them or kind of attack them.

So again, make them feel loved. try to point out some really good things about them that you do like. And then also ask some questions so that you can build some sense of deeper connection and then try to withhold judgment because I think we live in a world where we judge people who are doing drugs. And you can't hate the person. You can hate the behavior. You can hate the drug. So I think if you want to be able to save that person's life or have the opportunity to potentially get them off of it starts with delivery, asking the right questions, and making them feel safe and valued along the way during the conversation and during the process. Yeah, I love that. That's all

really good advice because I think that once somebody is to the point where they are reliant or they're addicted to drugs, that's their coping mechanism, right? And that's their best friend. And anybody who tries to come between them and their best friend, you know, their radar is up. and they're ready to fight. And I know, you know, I'll speak in eye terms. I was ready to fight anybody who tried to come in between me and the drugs. So I think coming from a place of empathy and curiosity and no judgment, like you were saying, is definitely kind of the best approach and trying to understand.

But again, like, you know, I think back to my experience and I had therapists and rehabs and everyone was trying to like, you know, do the right thing. and I just, it just fell on deaf ears, I guess. Yeah, and I think the other thing, too, is something that comes to mind is people will always say, why are they doing this? Why are they self-sabotaging? Why are they completely destroying their own life? And I think people have to remember people's external world reflects how they feel about themselves internally, right?

So they're clearly not feeling good about themselves. That's why they're settling for hanging out with people that are making the same decisions as them. And that's why they think that doing a lot of, of the stuff that they're doing is a quote unquote good decision because they feel so poorly about themselves and what their life has become or maybe what the things they don't have or whatever it is. They're like, hmm, I mean, to them it's a good idea or whatever they need to do to fill that void inside. And I think people can only make decisions based on their level of current consciousness. So if they're unaware just consciously of what's going on because they've created this new

normal for themselves, like people have to understand your environment creates a false sense of normalcy. And what I mean by that is this, if you imagine a person who goes to the bar every day, this is an easy example, and just is there from open to close every day and comes home and says to their spouse is like, what are you doing? You've been gone all day. You're drunk. You're an alcoholic. You got a drinking problem. Again, not the right way to handle it if you're attacking somebody, but that's the point of my example is this. That person is going to say, I don't have a problem. Everybody else is doing it because they're right. Everybody else is doing it. them it's normal. To them, it's normal to go from open to close all day, every day in a bar and drink.

And then the alternative can be true as well. When you get out of that moment or that situation, you hang around 10 people that are making decisions that better themselves. They're exercising. They're focused on their health. They're focused on acts of service. They're focusing on being positive. That's going to be their new normal. So of course, if you're a person as a parent maybe and you're successful or you have your life together and things are good in your life, like to you, that's going to be completely abnormal because your normal is so much different than the person is abusing drugs. Wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket-sized guide that helped you sleep, focus, act, and just be better? Well, there is. And if you have 10 minutes, Headspace can change

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And my rehab, I'm sure, was very different from being incarcerated. But I'm curious, like, what was a day in the life there? And what was it about being there that made it so hard to leave for you? It's interesting. And, you know, I thought it was going to be like my darkest moment in life. And for a lot of people, it is going to jail. And it was for a few weeks because I had to deal with all the stuff that I've been hiding through my addictions. All the masks came off. The mask of trying to fit in on social media at the time. You know, Facebook, I think it'd just come out for a few years.

It was the mask of trying to fit in to be liked by girls. The mask of trying to fit in with my friends, family, you name it. All that stuff was stripped away from me. And I had to be fully naked and not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, mentally and spiritually as well. So I had to face a lot of demons head on. I had to learn to manage my emotions in a healthy way. And if I didn't, I would have ended up in solitary confinement. I might have gotten beat up because I might have said something out of context

or I might have tried to harm myself. I don't know. I don't know what would have happened. And I think what happened was I had this guy, my cellmate, who believed in me at a time where I didn't believe in myself. And while I believe that nobody can fix you, like no, I had to own and understand the fact that no one was coming to save me, which I had. and hoping that somebody would save me.

I think what can happen, though, is if you're somebody like me and maybe even like you, your face is so down in the, like far down in the mud, you can't see anything. It's so dark. And you have this person come alongside of you

and just pull the back of your hair and pull your head up a little bit out of the mud and just a little bit of light comes in. And you're like, okay, like, I can see a little bit. I have some hope. I'm going to take one step

and then another step. And then you look back, and you're into this moment of light that you haven't had before because it just started with being able to come out of that darkness for just a moment. And that's what happened when I started exercising because when I got down and I collapsed from doing that first push-up, I looked at him. And again, this is just my experience. I know this one word I'm going to say might offend some people, but I said, why can't I do a

push-up? And he's like, because you're fat. And I hated that word. That word made me cringe. I was called that a lot as a kid. kid. And he was like, dude, I don't know what else to tell you. He's like, you have tons of body fat. Your core is weak. And you can't hold yourself up. He's like, I don't know what to tell you. And I swore to myself that I would never be called that again. And so that motivated me because I was

like, how did I get to this point? And what happened was, you know, I started not being able to do a push up from my knees. And then I was able to finally hold myself up. Then I could do one push up. And I'm like, wow, I can do one push up. I never thought I could do this. Let's do two. Let's do three. Let's do four. let's do five all the way up and now the light is like the darkness that was filling my head when I entered jail there was now like light starting to fill my head that wasn't there before and I felt I don't want to say it was I wasn't codependent on my cellmate but I was like man this angel this unexpected hero showed up in my life and I was like how am I ever going to repay him like what am I going to do without him and I remember asking him when I left I said hey man like

and I was very emotional as you can imagine I said how can I ever repay you And he's like, don't mess up and pay it forward. And I had never read a personal development book in my life. I was like, pay it forward. I was like, all right, but all right, man, whatever. And he gave me a workout plan that I still have framed in my place today. So I never forget where I came from. And I got out and I was just, I was on a mission.

I was on a mission to not let him down. I was on a mission to take care of myself and do whatever it took, like whatever it took to make sure that I never stepped foot into jail again or in the depths of addiction. And I want to say the odds were so stacked against me between, you know, the amount of people who leave jail and come back, the relapse rate, the fact that I had 20 jobs at the time I was 21, the fact that I had just damaged so many relationships, made so many bad choices. The odds were so stacked against me.

But I knew if I focused on that and that's all I thought about that I would end up repeating those same patterns because I would just feel defeated. I'd like, what's the point? You know, all these questions that we asked. But I knew if I could just focus in on that 5% or 10%. 10% or that whatever it was and have blind faith and saying, I don't know what's going to happen in the next 10 years. All I can control right now is this moment is focus on being relentless. I mean relentless about doing whatever it took, whatever it took to be the very best version of

myself today so that I could be a better version of myself tomorrow and just take it literally one day at a time. And again, I wasn't somebody who did like community support meetings or anything like that. So I just literally was like, I need to do this one day, one step at a time. And then what happened was, sure enough, you get some time under your belt and a week goes by and you're like, wow, I haven't done drugs. I've been sticking to my routine without my cellmate two weeks, three weeks, a month, two months, and you're like, wow, I don't even want to use anymore. And where I got really lucky is I was forced, like I said, to reattach behavior to emotion in a time where I was very emotional and vulnerable when I was in jail. so that when I got out and I had a few weeks time or whatever it was, when I would get stressed or anxious, I had already created new neural pathways to say, okay, now that I'm stressed, I'm going to go

for a run, I'm going to go for a walk, I'm going to work out, where I think a lot of times what happens is people get caught up in that where their default is stress, anxiety, depression, I'm going to do a drug. And so I think once you can get that pattern changed and create new neural pathways and have different coping mechanisms, I think it can help. help you get a lot further. I think that another thing that people who have struggled through major adversity, like addiction and recovery and incarceration and trauma is that we do have that kind of relentless pursuit, right? It's like you get this second chance and it is a major

advantage, I think. I think that my addiction and my subsequent recovery and almost dying, I think that that gives me such an advantage in my life because I do have this kind of energy and this attitude, right, that like I'm not going to settle and I'm not going to give up on things and I'm not going to let fear dictate my life. How would you suggest somebody who maybe doesn't quite have that same experience, but they want to change their life and they want to have this kind of relentless approach to living their best life? How would you suggest somebody do that. I think it all starts with with habits and identifying like what you want in your life. Like are you really happy with where you are right now. So I think what happens is people,

they lack a lot of self-awareness, right? They lack like how miserable or unhappy they truly are. Because like I said, they've created this new normal for themselves. And I think once they identify that their life isn't where they want it to be, they can say, okay, like, how do I get out of this. Like, what are some things that I can do? And then you set some goals and then maybe you take one step towards that goal. So for instance, if you're somebody who's struggling in the depths of addiction right now and you want to get out and you have no idea how to do it, you're aware of it and you accept it, you lend your hand out and you call somebody that you trust and you say, hey, so-and-so, like, I got to tell you, I'm really struggling right now. And you just open up, pick somebody you

trust the most. Like, don't worry about calling your parents. Don't worry about calling your spouse. somebody that you trust. And then you gain some connection. You gain a little bit of trust and you work your vulnerability muscle. And then you see where that goes. Right. And then you reach out to that person, that person,

hopefully since you trust them and you have this connection with them, well, you know, bend an ear, listen to you. And then you can say, okay, like what are the next steps for me to keep going?

Because I think what tends to happen is when people are in these dark moments, they're like, all right, like, I need to, they think about getting into recovery for five years. and you're like, bro, you got to get into recovery for five minutes first. Starts that one phone call, that one step.

And then maybe that person goes for a hike with you, or maybe that person takes you to some sort of support meeting. Or maybe that person takes you to treatment or whatever it is. But it all starts with just making that one decision that will get you, like, out of that rut first. And it starts with self-awareness, like knowing like where you are. Like, are you happy with your decisions right now? Where do you want to go? And then how do you bridge that gap?

hopefully that makes sense. Yeah, definitely. Kind of to a similar point, I've heard you say on another interview that it's not the way that people talk to us that brings us down. It's how we talk to ourselves. So how did you,

you said that you started to change that when you were in jail, how would you recommend people who are struggling with this? And how did you start changing the way you talk to yourself? Because that's another thing that I get so often from people who follow me. You know, I think women in particular,

are really struggling with negative self-talk. I'm sure men go through it too, obviously, but my audience is primarily female and people just don't know how to break that cycle. And I think you're so spot on. Like we love to point the finger at other people and circumstances and whatever, but really like we're stuck with us. And our voice is the one that we hear the most. So how did you do that? It's like a muscle. I always say we have our physical muscles that we definitely need to work, but you got mental and emotional and spiritual muscles that need to get worked as well. And one of those is the way you talk to yourself. So it just starts with practice. It's in the same context that I would tell one of my personal training clients that has never run before. I would

never tell them to go run a marathon. I would say just go start off with like walking five minutes. So in the context of how you talk to yourself, I talk to myself like crap for a year. is you are fat, you're a piece of crap, you're never going to get married, you're ugly, you're this, you're that. And I just started with just one thing. Like every time, I would just accept almost, like it wasn't like an alarm.

I didn't have a phone in jail, but I would almost have this rule that if I said something negative to myself, I would change it to something positive. And it sounds cliche, but it works. I'm telling you it works. So every time I would say, you are ugly, I would say, you know, I am blessed.

Or every time I say, you suck, I would say, I'm going to get through this. Just something that changed my mind because it starts with just simple tasks like that. And I think affirmations work. I believe that you have to write things down, but I think you also have to put things into action. So if I told myself that I am blessed,

you got to get a little bit deeper. Like, why are you blessed? Right? Or if you say, I'm proud of myself, like, why am I proud of myself? And I would literally go on and say, all right, well, I'm proud of myself because I did a push-up.

Or I'm proud of myself because I ran like four laps in the jail cell that night. Or I'm proud of me. or I'm proud of myself because I haven't touched drugs in X amount of time. And that starts to create new neural pathways, again, in my mind, confidence, improve self-esteem and happiness. And that becomes a pattern. And also, this is where self-awareness comes in. Like, I think accepting the fact that you're not always going to talk to yourself in a positive

way. I think, I mean, I think positivity can become toxic, too. Things aren't always going to be great. But I think it's the way you go about the negative things in your life is what matters. You have to be optimistic. So if you're telling yourself, you have like head trash going on in your head of course, first accept it, be aware of it and know that it's okay. And then two, say, okay, how can I change that?

Like, how can I change my state right now? And then that will become a pattern too. And then it'll be second nature for when you go through adversity to be like, I'm going to get through this because you have trained your brain that whenever a negative thought comes up, you can switch it and tell yourself something positive. I mean, it's like a muscle. The more you work it, the easier it becomes and the stronger it gets. Yeah, I think that's such a good way to look at our mental health.

You know, it's like we put so much focus on the vanity stuff, right? Our bodies, but our minds often need the same amount of training. So I like that you focus on that. So how do you not get addicted to things that are good for you now? I know that a lot of people can replace one addiction with another. And how do you make sure that you're not getting too rigid where like if your routine or your fitness or whatever something was to come in the way of that, you don't slip into old habits? Again, I mean, I don't want to sound like a broken record.

I think it comes down to a lot of self-awareness and saying, how is this impacting my life? I mean, I'll give you a great example. So I never got addicted to exercise, so to speak, like I could go a day or two or three or whatever without working out. I was never the guy that spent hours of the gym. But there was times where I could not cheat on my diet. Like I had to always eat up clean 100% of the time. And when I say this, I mean, I wouldn't go out on the weekends. I would travel on planes with like frozen chicken and broccoli. I was that person. And it was kind of back. Yeah, yeah. But I was also miserable. And I created a new identity around my body. And just a quick story of what happened was I,

thought, again, you asked me what would I wish I would have had when I was younger. I hit this point. I was making great money as a trainer. I just written my first book. I was like 5% body fat. Like literally, I had like every ab showing. I was trying to become a model. I was in recovery. But I was using my body for like the wrong reasons. And I mean, I never like stripped or did anything like that. But I would walk around with my shirt off. I'd flex my abs all the time because that that was my identity. I was like sweet. I finally got what I wanted. I've got the big biceps. I'm ripped. but I was always like, why aren't girls, I'm still not having good relationships. Like what's wrong?

Like what's going on? Because that cup tastes good only until it doesn't anymore. And I had to really look at myself and say, wow, like my identity has gotten wrapped up in how I look. But it was because I was so caught up in the old Doug. And as much as I said, like taking affirmations work and you have to change the way you talk to yourself, I believe that, and it worked for me up until a certain point. And that's where self-awareness comes in and say, okay, like, this is where I'm at right now. What can I do to change? And that's where I got into spirituality and God. And again, like, I don't push it on anybody. You do what works for you.

Like, I didn't think it was going to ever work for me. And it did. And I wouldn't be where I am today without it. And I felt like looking back that part of me died in jail and I became new. Like I remember one of the worst feelings of anxiety, I'm sure you can relate to this as well, is like the feeling of trying to crawl to your own skin. Like you feel like you're trying to escape. And as I look back, I feel like the old Doug was trying to escape me so that the new Doug could appear. And so I invite anybody listening to this right now who's in a similar spot where

you're just obsessing over your body. You're obsessing about what you eat. You're obsessing about your workout. So just know that that doesn't totally define you. Yes, you want to look good. You want to feel good. You want to be able to be healthy. It's all important.

And I always say to people, the whole goal is of fitness and exercising is being able to look good naked. But what does looking good naked mean to you? Are you looking good naked spiritually? Are you looking good naked mentally and emotionally and not just physically? It's so important. Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of people would agree that like our health is kind of threefold. It's mind, body, spirit.

And I think the spirit part is often overlooked. And it can be anything. like you said, you know, for me, like, I had kind of a similar experience when I got sober, not to keep bringing it back to me, but I can just relate so much to this, like that up until that point, I was the center of my own universe, which was exhausting. And so much self-centered fear and self-centered thoughts arise from that. And once I found something, and I'm not religious, but I am spiritual, and it's something that I've been pursuing throughout the past seven years, and I try to enlarge that part of my life all the time.

I feel like I'm seeking. But I do believe in, like, God and the universe, and it just gets rid of so much of that self-centeredness and that self-centered fear, and you're kind of other-centered, and you're looking outwards, and you're looking at how you can pass things on and be of service to others

versus just how everything's affecting you. Yeah, and I think we've all got skeletons, right? And I think things can become really dark when we're trying to hide our past and not accepted and try to portray somebody that we're not and we're really miserable on the inside. And you almost have to wear like a second face, if you will, because you're just so resentful and so angry about who you were.

And I think that's where, again, we're spirituality, universe, the God, whatever you call it, comes into play. Because now you can let go and say, you know what, like I'm not happy with those choices, but I accept them because they've made, made me who I am. They happened for me and not to me. And now I am able to use that again to become a better version of myself and help other people. And I think one of the other things, Ariel,

that I talk a lot about that people need to do. Like need. And when I say need to, I mean need to is forgiveness. And I don't mean just forgiving other people. I mean forgiving yourself. Right. Because I think so many times we hold on to all these bad decisions, all these bad choices, all these mistakes we've made in our past. And they haunt us. They cripple us because we focus on that so much. And what I invite people to do, like this is what I tell a lot of people to do

is to write yourself a forgiveness letter. And just say dear someone's, like for me, it was dear Doug, I forgive you. I forgive you for manipulating X, Y, and Z. I forgive you for lying to X, Y, and Z. I forgive you for this. I cannot tell you how freeing that is because you get it out on paper,

you learn to process a little bit. and you're okay with it. And you accept that you can't change the past. You can only use it to become a better version of yourself and grow from it. And you have two choices. You can look at the past and say, this is what destroyed me. You can look at your past and say,

this is what shaped me. You have no way of changing the past. We can't go back in a time machine. So it's like you have a choice. Do you want to look at it as something that is positive and that you've learned from everything that you've done so that it's built you to be who you are today? or you're going to look at it as something that's going to completely, you know,

damage you for the rest of your life. Yeah, I love that. Well, I think you have an incredible story and an incredible mission. And I know that everybody right now is thinking this last question, and that's what happened to your old cellmate. I get asked that all the time. I know. So it's interesting.

I didn't know if I'd ever seen him again. And what's funny is when I, when I, when I got out, I was struggling. Like as much as I was on a mission to change my life and lose weight and I was, it was cold. I got out the day after Christmas and I didn't want to run outside. I remember writing him a letter and I was like, man, I haven't been running outside. I've been like doing some stuff inside.

I was like, dude, go to Target and buy yourself a pair of sweatpants. He was like, you know, don't be, I forget what he said in the letter. It was like, don't be a cissy or something. And so, of course, I went out and I bought a pair of sweatpants and I ran outside. And he ended up getting out. up meeting up and grabbing a few workouts together. And I was actually able to do his workout where instead of him, you know, training me and my novice workout that I was doing in jail and it was really cool. I was like, wow, it's almost like I've become him in a way where I'm now able to

keep up with him. We've stayed in touch off and on through the years. And I mean, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and thank him. I dedicated my first book to him. and, you know, I think now I've become sort of an inspiration for him and I look back. And sometimes in life, you know, we all look for mentors. We all look for heroes. And sometimes the most unexpected people come into your life and help shape you in a way you never expected it at a time where you never expected it. And I think right now, you know, there's a lot of people that are struggling in these times of darkness. There's a lot of people that are hurting right now.

and I just invite people to just know this to have faith and not faith in a religious way. But to me, faith is even though you're in this time of darkness and everything around you seems incredibly dark and challenging and you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that if you keep doing that light will come, I don't know when it's going to come, but it will come. And when I say putting one foot in front of the other, that means just moving your body a little bit each day. It means reaching out to somebody and helping them. Maybe it's holding the door open for somebody or calling a friend you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's journaling. It's setting and achieving some goals as simple as they are. It's improving yourself. It's going to therapy. Those are taking just small steps. And eventually, I promise you, I promise you, you will get to the light. You'll feel better and you will become a better version of yourself. Amazing.

Thank you so much. Where can everybody find you? So the easiest place to find me is if they want to get more information or to listen to more of my, I guess my wisdom, if you will, is to listen to my podcast, the adversity advantage. And then I'm pretty active on Instagram at Doug Boeopst and www.org.com is my website. It's got links to some other interviews I've done, some more of my, you can buy my books from there and just more stuff about me and my story and topics I speak about. And yeah, just don't hesitate to reach out. I love hearing feedback. I love hearing how, you know, conversations like this touch your heart.

Thank you so much. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast. on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Lori.