Well with Arielle Lorre - 112: The Science of Happiness + How to Be Happy with Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

In this episode I’m talking to Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, bestselling author and lecturer, about positive psychology and happiness. He famously taught two of the largest classes in Harvard’s history, Positive Psychology and The Psychology of Leadership, and Today, Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporations, the general public, and at-risk populations.  The topics he lectures on include leadership, happiness, education, innovation, ethics, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, and mindfulness. His books have been translated into more than twenty-five languages and have appeared on best-sellers lists around the world. Tal is a serial entrepreneur and is most recently the co-founder and chief learning officer of Happiness Studies Academy.    In this episode we discuss how our concept of happiness differs from what truly makes us happy; temporary happiness vs. sustained happiness; how to experience more happiness in life, even during challenging times; why failure and resistance is so important; the arrival fallacy; how to actually choose happiness; how to manage negative self talk; the physical benefits of happiness and so much more.   www.gomacro.com  with code BLONDEFILES for 30% off plus free shipping on all orders over $50. www.DipseaStories.com/BLONDE  for 30 days of full access for free. www.ritual.com/BLONDE for 10% off during your first 3 months www.helloned.com/BLONDE for 15% off your first one-time order, or 20% off your first subscription order plus free shipping   Happiness Studies Academy: https://www.happinessstudies.academy/ Tal Ben-Shahar: http://www.talbenshahar.com/ Your listeners can enjoy 12% off with coupon code: Arielle12 To register: https://www.happinessstudies.academy/cihs/?utm_source=the%20blonde%20files%20podcast&utm_medium=the%20blonde%20files%20podcast&utm_campaign=the%20blonde%20files%20podcast   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Go to your rise-adviseur or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lori, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in

between, no topic is off limits. I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all and live your best life. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I just listened back to this episode because I have to write the description and make edits for my producer and pull quotes and clips for promo. And I have to say I'm pretty blown away. I think you guys are really going to get so much from this conversation. So I'm talking to Dr. Tall Ben Shahar. He is a bestselling author and lecturer. He taught two of the largest classes in Harvard University's history, positive psychology, and positive psychology. And,

the psychology of leadership. And today, Tall consults and lectures around the world to executives in multinational corporations, the general public, and at-risk populations. The topics he lectures on include leadership, happiness, education, innovation, ethics, self-esteem, resilience, goal-setting, and mindfulness. And his books have been translated into more than 25 languages and have appeared on bestseller lists around the world. Tall is a serial entrepreneur and is most recently the co-founder and chief learning officer of happiness studies academy. At the Happiness Studies Academy, they offer a certificate in happiness studies, which is an online academic course created and delivered by Dr. Talban Shahar that provides the

knowledge and the tools to generate happiness on the individual, interpersonal, organizational, and national levels. In addition to English, it is offered in Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, Portuguese and Hebrew. And I think after you listen to this interview, you will probably be inspired to look into it. His research and understanding of happiness is so compelling and I just know everyone will benefit from this episode. So anyway, Dr. Talban Shahar obtained his PhD in organizational behavior and BA in philosophy and psychology from Harvard. He is super fascinating and he will help you understand how to experience happiness as a byproduct of pursuing other things. So enjoy the All right. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited to talk to you. It's great to be here,

Ariel. Thank you. I have been kind of following your work ever since I heard you on Dax's podcast, armchair expert, which I'm sure a lot of people became familiar with you through that. And I'm just so looking forward to this conversation. So to start, why don't you just tell the audience a little bit about yourself and what you do. So I'm a student and teacher of happiness. So I'm on this journey, have been on this journey for 30 years, looking for some answers, I guess more questions that will lead me to a happier life and then sharing some of the questions and answers with others.

Why happiness? Yeah, you know, one. happiness for, you know, it's a personal question and a universal question. You know, why happiness? Let me start with the universal. It's in our nature to pursue happiness. You know, Aristotle talked about how, you know, it's in our nature. Confucius talked about it. So, you know, we all want to be happier and we want those people we care about to be happier. On a more personal level, I became interested in studying happiness because of my own unhappiness. So it was initially at least a very, very personal and very desperate, I must say, pursued, you know,

waking up every morning not being happy and not knowing why I wasn't happy. You know, I didn't have a good excuse for not being happy. And that's when I decided to pursue that as an inquiry. So throughout your years of research and, I guess, me search, right, in this instance, have you found happiness? Yes. So, you know, when I tell people that I started off being unhappy, many asked me, okay, so 30 years later, are you finally happy? And my answer to that is that I don't know how to answer this question. And the reason is because I don't think there is, a point before which we're unhappy after which we are happy. In other words, it's not a binary 0-1. Instead, it's a continuum. Specifically, it's a journey. And the answer to the question is that

today I'm happier than I was 30 years ago when I embarked on this journey. I certainly hope that five years from now or 10 years from now, I'll be happier than I am today. You know, it's a lifelong journey and it's essentially a journey that ends when life ends. Right. It's not a destination that you arrive at and then the work is done. Yeah, you know, I must say at the beginning, I hoped it was, meaning I hope that I would find, you know, the secret or the secret formula or the answer that would take me over that barrier that is preventing me from being happy, but it just doesn't exist as far as I know. So before we dive into everything, how would you define happiness?

So, of course, there are many definitions to happiness. And, you know, I don't think there is one right only definition. But the definition that I propose is one that includes happiness as a multifaceted variable, specifically comprising of five elements. It's about spiritual well-being, which is about a sense of meaning and, a sense of presence. It's about physical well-being, which is about nutrition and health in general and sleep and exercise. It's about intellectual well-being, which is about curiosity and about learning. It's about relational well-being, interpersonal well-being. And finally, it's about emotional

well-being, learning to deal with painful emotions and cultivating pleasurable ones. And it's These five elements, spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional that make up the acronym Spire, these are the five elements of happiness. It's funny because when I listen to that, I think of what kind of the mainstream idea of happiness is, right? And it's kind of the opposite of all of those things. It's a lot of external things. It's a lot of financial success and professional success and these things that we strive for, right?

So how does kind of our concept of happiness differ from those elements? Yeah, no, you're spot on there. You know, in our culture, and I think this is probably the greatest barrier to happiness. People believe that in order to be happy, you need to arrive somewhere, succeed in some way, attain something. So it's always about the accumulation or the accomplishment that we need to. you happiness. And what we know and when I say we, we know it either through research, through personal experience, or we know it from research, looking at data. These things don't lead to happiness. At best, they lead to a temporary high. You know, the reason why I felt so lost

when I was growing up and as a young adult, you know, I was in many ways I checked the boxes, The boxes that I was provided and was told that if I check them, then I'll be not just successful, but also happy. And, you know, for me, it was success in athletics. I was a professional squash player. So I thought if I win this championship or that championship, then I'll be happy. Then later on it was if I get into this college or that college, then I'll be happy. You know, and I check that box. And then if you're taking this professional or that professional success, then you'll make it.

And I checked that box too. And not only was I not happier, I was actually more miserable as a result. Why? Because at least before I had the illusion that when I get there, then I'll be happy. But I got there and I realized that there was no there is there. And you know, the difference between sadness and depression is that depression is sadness without hope. So when I, you know, was, I lived under the illusion, at least I had hope when I was

disillusioned, no hope. And that's when I decided to change the trajectory of my career. I can relate to that a lot because I got sober seven years ago. And when I first got sober, I mean, I'd run my life into the ground. And so I started over and I had nothing. And I was really happy. But I thought that once I achieved certain goals, right? So financial goals, like I was talking about professional goals, personal goals with relationships, and all of these kind of external things, I thought that I would be happy. And a couple years into sobriety, I had all that. I had all the material stuff. I had more than I ever could have imagined. And I was miserable. And it was the hardest thing that I've ever experienced in my life, I think, because you're right. I did kind of

have this hope. And then all that hope was kind of shattered when I got to that point. And for me, I had to enlarge my spiritual life, I guess. That's kind of the direction that I went and find that sense of purpose and fulfillment that isn't an external thing. So what were some of the steps that you took when you arrived at that place? Yeah, Ariel, I want to build on what you said because I think it is so important, and specifically your word choice there. You said you had to enlarge, expand the way you saw it,

and to the realm of spirituality. And, you know, so many people equate spirituality with religion. And, you know, in part, they're right. Religion is certainly associated with spirituality. At the same time, you can find it elsewhere too. In fact, you can find it in literally, in everything that exists. You know, Henry Miller once said that even, you know, when we look at a blade of grass, and we really look at it and we are really present to it,

that in and of itself becomes a miracle, a spiritual experience. You know, Albert Einstein purportedly said once, there are two ways to live our lives. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle. You know, given that choice, you know, I know what I'd pick. And the way to experience everything as a miracle is to be present to it,

to be mindful of it, and then it becomes spiritual. Because if you think about it, you know, the fact that we can hear each other now, or the fact that we breathe, that we are alive, that a tree grows, I mean, it's mind-boggling. And when you really look at it, again, whether it's a blade of grass or another person, it really becomes a spiritual experience. And this is the path to genuine, true, and in many ways, independent happiness, independent in the sense of not dependent on achieving that or reaching there.

Now, does this mean that we can, we ought to, or even can walk around in bliss 24-7? I don't think so. Yeah, I know there are some scholars, some philosophies that argue that you can become enlightened and then be in that bliss all the time. I would beg to differ, at least from, personal experience and from what I know, not just from research, but also from research, we all experience hardships. We all have difficulties. We know we all have times when not only do we not appreciate a blade of grass, you know, we are struggling and suffering independent of that. But at the same time, if we spend a little bit more time in that realm of spirituality, a few more minutes a day, that in and of itself can make a big difference.

in how we experience our life as a whole. I get asked all the time about what, if any, supplements I take. And I totally get this question. There are so many out there. They have such wild claims. And it's really hard to navigate and know whether these supplements are even effective. So I have been using ritual for a couple years. I love them for a few reasons.

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Again, that's hello ned.com slash blonde for 15% off your first one-time order and 20% off your first subscription order plus free shipping. Creeps, cults, ghosts, guys name Jerry, this is your one-stop shop. If you like all that weird shit, join me. I'm Casey Ballsham. I'm a comedian and I am fascinated by dark, twisty, and shit. shady ass shit. On the Shady Shit podcast, we're going to cover all the topics ranging from living in a haunted house to dating app, scammers to Lizzie Borden, and everything in between.

Every Friday, I'm going to break down well-known and little-known stories that are sure to induce just a bit of discomfort. I am so looking forward to making your weeks just a little bit weirder. I think where a lot of people get stuck is how to both have goals for the future and also be in the present. I mean, there are different. schools of thought, right? Do you believe that we can, that we can kind of have both of those and have things that we want to achieve and be proud of those achievements without, I guess, putting all of our eggs in that basket? Yeah. I love that question. So, you know, there are two leading school of thoughts in this realm, as you pointed out. One of them is saying that

Happiness is contingent on achievement, on goal achievement, on getting there, on arriving at the destination that we set ourselves. And if the goal, especially if it's a meaningful goal and important goal for you, that is the path, the secret to happiness. Now, what do we know from, again, research and research from personal experience and from data that we have, achieving goals doesn't lead to lasting happiness. You know, we know that, for example, the lottery winners. Initially, when they win the lottery, they think, you know, all their dreams have come true and will come true.

And yeah, they're very happy for, you know, a month or three. Or people who get, this is research by Daniel Gilbert from Harvard, people who get tenured. You know, this is something that they had been working for, you know, for over a decade. You know, a dream come true. And they think they'll be happy for the rest of their lives. And they are happy for, you know, a month. or three, or people that have gotten their dream job or dream car, they're ecstatic initially or win the tournament, you know, elated for how long, anywhere between an hour and, you know,

in six months. And so this is, you know, this is what I've come to call the arrival fallacy. You know, the mistake that we think that when we arrive, then we'll be happy, then we'll live happily ever after. Or when we meet the, you know, Mr. Ms. Wright, then we'll be happy for the rest of our lives. No, it's an illusion. So that school of thoughts, unfortunately wrong. Happiness is not a function of the goals we achieve. The other school of thoughts, the opposite approach, say, I forget the future.

It's all about the present. It's all about being here and now. you can truly be present, when you can be in the here and now, that's when you will find the Nirvana, enlightenment, real lasting happiness. There's a problem there as well. And the problem is human nature. Human nature dictates that we also care about the future, that we are also future-oriented, that having goals, achieving goals, ambition, these are all important elements of a full and fulfilling life. So we have downside and upside to both models. How do we reconcile them, as you pointed out? And the answer is by having goals as a means,

not as an end. Because people who suffer from the arrival fallacy see goals as the end. When I get there, then I'll be happy. People who neglect goals, who are just talking about they're here and now, well, they don't have goals as means or as ends. What we need to see goals are as means specifically. I'll give you, I'll start with an example. So last year, I had a conversation with my publisher who said to me that she wants to publish my book on 11th of May, 2021. That's the date she gave. And which was, you know, a stretch, but it was also realistic. And I said, great. So I had a very clear future goal. And that future goal then allowed me to experience happiness in the here and now. Why? Because I would wake up every morning, you know, for about eight months, every

morning, and know that I'm writing a book. So I had a very clear goal. But while I was writing it, I wasn't thinking about the goal. I was in the here and now. I was present. I was experiencing the word of Mihalichiksen and Mihai. I was experiencing flow. which is a state of peak performance and peak experience. So I was enjoying the present moment, living in the here and now, as the second school of thought said, while having a goal as the first school of thought urges us to do. Having both, it's the long-term goal that liberated me to enjoy the here and now. And this is how these two worldviews actually meet.

Have a goal, but the important thing is not achieving that goal. that will only lead to temporary happiness. The important thing is having that goal. And then working on whatever it is that you're working on in the present moment. So with goals inevitably come obstacles and setbacks. And I've heard you talk about failure and failure getting a bad rap. And I think you listen to any successful, fulfilled, happy person. And they'll probably say that they learned more from their failures than from their successes.

So can you talk about failure? obstacles? Sure. No, so I want to share with you just something that I've been thinking about a lot recently, which is the fact that we're making real progress in in psychology. And to my mind, you know, five years from, 10 years from now, the real breakthrough. And again, this is not just to my mind. I think many people are thinking that the real breakthrough will will be when we're able to really, you know, penetrate a person's brain. And, you know, for example, you know, if, and we'll be able to manipulate the brain. So for example, if I'm experiencing sadness, we already know what a sad brain looks like. So the next stage, the next, you know,

the 2.0 of this or 7.0 of it will be when we're able to enter a person's brain and actually manipulate and change that. So we can shut down the neurons that are associated with sadness and light up the neurons that are associated with joy. And, you know, many people say, wow, you know, this would be great. And, you know, I wouldn't feel this pain anymore and sadness anymore. And to my mind, that wouldn't be so great. Because, you know, if you asked a hundred people, a very simple question, think back to a time when you learned the most, when you grew the most, the time that is probably most responsible for who you are today or for the best version of yourself,

99 out of 100 would reflect back on a time when they struggled. Now, imagine if we could go into a machine and actually prevent ourselves from struggling. So in the moment, speaking of here and now versus the future, in the moment, that would feel great. And yeah, and you know, when I go through difficult times, you know, like everyone else, I wish I wasn't going through that difficult time. It's painful. That's why it's difficult. However, those painful times are important. Those struggles are

meaningful. You know, the psychologist, the late psychologist, David Schnarch, talks about meaningful endurance. Even our language is created that. You know, the word patience, the Latin roots of the word patience is suffering. And not just in English, Spanish, okay, it's the same root, but also, you know, my mother tongue is Hebrew. In Hebrew, you know, in the Bible, patience and suffering come from the same root. And we need patience if we are to grow. And that also means suffering, unfortunately, no shortcuts and, you know, those advances in technology, you know, some of them, of course, are welcomed and important. But if we are to eliminate struggling, I don't think that would be good because we learned so much from failure. We learned so much from disappointment. We learned

so much from struggles. And you know, this has many implications and ramifications in so many different domains. You know, for instance, with parenting, there's research by Sunia Lutha, originally from India now teaching at Columbia University, showing how so many privileged children are struggling and suffering as teenagers and then throughout their lives. Why? Because their parents have always attempted to make things easy for them. Why?

Because they could. And struggles are important. That's how we grow stronger. You go to the gym and you lift weights and it's on zero, i.e. no resistance. You don't get stronger. You need resistance. Yeah, I mean, again, going back to my experience with sobriety, you know, I always thought that it was the worst thing that ever happened to me initially. I did not want to be an alcoholic or an

addict. I fought it. I was in denial for years. And when I finally got sober, you know, I can look back and see that as the best thing that ever happened to me because it made me who I am today and gave me tools to deal with life on life's terms and all of these things. And it also, I'm thinking about like the discussion around like altering genes and whether in the future making it it so that, you know, somebody might, so that they can eliminate, you know, deafness or something like that. And, and you talk to somebody who's deaf and they say that, you know, they're grateful that they are, not everybody obviously, but there's that debate, right, about eliminating hardships and whether that is the right thing to do. Yeah. And, you know, the question here is, of course, first of all,

It's very personal. You know, if there are some people, you know, who like you, would say, well, the best thing that happened to me was my struggle. And other people would say, you know, I would rather do away with that struggle. You know, one person would say, you know, I'm so glad that I'm struggling with, you know, with work issues. Other people would say, I'd rather do without it. So, you know, it's very personal. The second, it's also to what degree is the story. is the struggle. You know, when we think, for example, about, I go back to children, children need to

struggle, but does this mean that we need to have hands off completely, entirely? Of course not. You know, Maria Montessori said it, said it nicely. She said, don't help children where they can help themselves. So when they can deal with the struggle themselves, yeah, let them struggle. But sometimes they can't. So again, it's a question of degree. When do we help? When do we try to eliminate the pain. When do we embrace it? And so on. One of the main questions that I got from listeners who sent in questions for you was how to cultivate happiness in those moments of struggle. And when you are experiencing obstacles and setbacks, and it's very hard to feel any kind of gratitude or happiness when you're kind of stuck in that place. Yeah. You know,

there's a beautiful poem by Rumi, who's a 30, century Sufi poet called the guest house. And in the guest house, Rumi talks about how we need to welcome, invite, bring in all thoughts and all emotions, you know, bring him on in a sense, is what he's saying. And his advice today has been validated by a lot of research in this topic, by people like Daniel Wagner, Victor Frankl, and others, showing how the foundation of well-being, of happiness is first allowing in unhappiness. In other words, embracing, welcoming, as guests, those painful emotions. So the first piece of advice, and again, this is advice that I give myself or my kids or clients

or anyone else who cares to listen is. Give yourself the permission to be human. Embrace any and all emotions. Why? Because when we reject emotions, these painful emotions, intensify. They grow stronger. And paradoxically, it's when we allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions. That's when they do not overstay their welcome.

They come in as guests and they leave as guests. So the first thing, going through hardships, difficulties, accept it, embrace it. It's part of human nature. And again, there are no, no one is exactly. exempt from these painful emotions. I know a lot of you, like myself, have dealt with gut issues and food sensitivities, and the struggle to find good satiating snacks, especially protein bars, can be so real. So you probably know that I live for my go macro macro bars.

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And I will say even more that at every moment in our life, we have a choice where we can choose happiness. So happiness to a great extent comprises choices. It could be the big choices in our life and the little choices in our life. The big choices are, you know, what career or profession do we pursue? You know, that's a big choice. It affects, you know, our 9 to 5 at least. A big choice is the people we spend time with, whether it's friends,

whether it's a partner, colleagues. We spend a lot of time with them and we know that emotions are contagious, so we're affected by other people. You know, that's a big choice. A big choice is the lifestyle that we choose. You know, do we choose to exercise regularly? What do we choose to consume?

Nutrition, food. So these are big choices. And then there are also small choices. The smaller choices are, at this moment, do I choose to be grateful or to appreciate my life? At this moment, do I choose to sit down, to sit slumped down or to sit up erect? That makes a difference to our well-being. Do we choose to be nice and kind to the next person we meet? You know, small choices make a big difference, not only to their life, to our life. So our life comprises choices.

The thing, though, about these choices is that many of them, not all, but many of them are rhetorical choices. What I mean by rhetorical choices is what I would mean by rhetorical questions. A rhetorical question is one where you have an obvious answer to, where it's a no-brainer. Well, we also have rhetorical choices. You know, if I ask, you know, Ariel, tell me, do you want to choose to be grateful for the good things, for in your life, for the nice people in your life? Or do you want to take them for granted? No brainer. Of course I want to appreciate it. No one would say, I want to take the good things and the good people in my life for granted. And yet, most people, most of the time take the good things

and the nice people in their lives for granted. We have a rhetorical choice, obvious. And yet, we choose incorrectly. We don't make the right, the right, the right. choice most of the time. So what does that mean? Practically. It means that we need reminders in our lives. We need reminders that will guide us, that will remind us to choose what we know is better for us. How do we create those reminders? You know, you can wear a bracelet. And the bracelet can be around your wrist to remind you to express gratitude on a regular basis. Or we can have a screensaver on our computer or a message in our smartphone reminding us to be present rather than distracted or to be kind and generous rather than harsh and impatient. And these reminders can help us choose happiness

more of the time. Doesn't mean we'll choose it all the time. Again, we're not perfect, but we can certainly all improve in that realm. How can we change negative self-talk? You know, when it comes to negative self-talk, I always think about the fact that if people heard what goes through our mind at times, you know, God help us. We all have those voices. You know, I always say, you know, you're not abnormal. The normal is to have those voices. We all have them. We all have negative self-talk. We all have things that, you know, we wouldn't want anyone else to know. And that's fine. That's, again, part of our nature. the question is not whether or not we have it, we'll always have it. The question is what do we do with it?

And here, the advice that's thousands of years old from a Buddhist thought is sound advice. And again, today we have the research, psychologists have looked at it and showed the value of it. How can we, when we have negative self-talk, simply take a step back and observe it. observe it with what Mark Williams from Oxford University talks about, observe it with friendly curiosity. You know, not observe it judgmentally, not observe it, you know, chastising on criticizing ourselves or saying, I wish that didn't, this sentence didn't exist inside me.

It does observe it with friendly curiosity. And when you observe it in that way, you're essentially taking a step back, you're becoming the observer. And that's when it loses its hold on us. Because all it is, all it is is a sentence. It's what Jeffrey Schwartz from UCLA calls a deceptive brain message. A deceptive brain message.

And it's all about simply, you know, what he talks about, you know, faulty wiring in our brain dead. So it's not me. His book, by the way, is called You're Not Your Brain, which is a book, arguably the most important book ever written on psychological change. So taking a step back, observing whatever that negative self-taught is and saying, oh, how interesting, here it is again. And then choosing the most, choosing, choosing the most appropriate course of action, that's more important.

So I can, I can, for example, actually let me make this personal. You know, for years I have really struggled and to some extent still do with public speaking because I'm an extreme introvert and, you know, standing in front of an audience is stress inducing to the nth degree for me. And yet, and yet, I realized quite early on in my mid-20s that my personal mission is to be a teacher. You know, I come from a family of teachers and, you know, and I really wanted to be a teacher. So I decided to go in front of an audience and speak. And I would look at that voice in my head saying, you know, you can't do it. You're going to forget things. You're so nervous

already. It hasn't even started. And on and on. And over the years, I've learned to just observe that voice and say, oh, how interesting. Here it is again. You know, last night I, I, I, I, I, I, I was on a webinar and there were many, many participants, and I got so nervous. And what I said when I was earlier, I would say, don't be nervous. But again, the paradox is that when you reject painful emotions, they intensify. It's like saying, you know, don't think of an elephant. You think of an elephant. What you resist, persist.

Exactly. Exactly. And instead, I said, wow, it's so interesting. You know, I've been teaching for almost 30 years. I still get nervous. Wow. It was interesting. That's all it is. And I still went ahead and taught. So observing the negative self-talk with friendly curiosity and then choosing the appropriate course of action. Right. I love that. Is making happiness your goal counterintuitive? Can it be detrimental to your emotional wellbeing? Yeah, such an important question. So this research by,

Iris Moss, what she shows in her research is that people who who put a high value on happiness, you know, who would wake up in the morning and say, you know, I really want to be happy. Happiness is important for me. These people actually end up being less happy. For some reason, they end up actually being lonelier. And that's a problem. It's, in fact, it's a very serious problem because, you know, on the one hand, we have

research, a lot of research showing how important happiness is. You know, we have research showing that if you increase levels of happiness, you will improve your quality of your relationships. People who increase their levels of happiness become more creative, more innovative, more productive, physically healthier. They actually live longer. So, you know, on every variable, every dimension that you look at, happiness is good for us. Okay, so you tell me that.

So of course I want to be happy. Of course I'll wake up in the morning and say, I want to be happier than I'm am today. Again, no-brainer, rhetorical choice. But then Iris Moss comes with her research and many people report from personal experiences that actually that made them less happy. So how do we resolve this contradiction, this problem? The way we resolve it is by pursuing happiness, because it is important, indirectly. And let me use an analogy to explain this, an analogy that helped me understand it better. Imagine sunlight. So let's say I'm outside, the sun is shining. Now, sunlight is good. It's important. Life giving. And I look at the sun directly. What will happen? I'll burn.

I won't be able to do it for a long. My eyes will start watering. So looking at the sun directly, problematic does not lead to happiness. However, what if I take the sun and break it? break the sun rays through a prism. And then I get the colors of the rainbow. And then I can look directly at the colors of the rainbow and enjoy them. And looking at the colors of the rainbow directly is about looking at the sun indirectly. And it's the same with happiness. Pursuing it directly, saying to myself, I'm going to be happy or I want to be happy,

unhelpful, actually detrimental. but breaking down happiness into its elements and then pursuing those elements, that will lead to more happiness. Now, what are the elements of happiness? What we talked about at the beginning. That's why it's important to define happiness. The elements of happiness are spiritual well-being, physical well-being, intellectual, relational and emotional well-being, the spire elements. So if I get up in the morning and say to myself, I'm going to meditate now, which is about being present, that's spiritual well-being, and I do that, that will lead to more happiness. So that's spiritual well-being, where I find a sense of meaning and purpose in life. Or if I go out and exercise, that's pursuing

happiness indirectly. Or if I learn new things all the time. And I'm curious, and I ask questions, that's cultivating intellectual well-being. That's pursuing happiness indirectly. Or spending time with my loved ones, investing in my relationships, or expressing gratitude on a regular basis, emotional well-being. These are all indirect ways of pursuing happiness. And that's how we resolve that contradiction. Happiness is good, but pursuing it directly is not good. So tell me about the Happiness Studies Academy and the certificate in happiness. Yes. So my vision, my mission, my dream, my goal, what keeps me up at night in a good way is spreading happiness. And towards that end, I co-founded the Happiness Studies Academy.

And what we do there is we bring together the latest and best research, the ancient and modern wisdom on happiness from philosophy, from religion, from literature, from film, from neuroscience, of course, from psychology and philosophy. We bring it all together and integrated it into a coherent and accessible model, then people can take and share with others. First of all, increase their own happiness levels and then help others do the same. Others being their partner or child or colleague or students or co-chee or a client as a therapist. And so our goal is to make happiness

accessible to all. That's fantastic. And we have a couple of programs. or a few programs. One is a certificate in happiness studies, which is a year-long program. We say it's a year-long program, but actually it's a lifelong program because happiness is a lifelong journey. And we have students from literally all over the world

from almost every country and continent. And it's great because we get together and we learn about the research and then we learn from one another about applications. And we do a lot of research throughout, that year and beyond. And then we have a program for schools where we introduce to first grade all the way up to 12th grade because we think that it's as important as studying mathematics and writing skills learn to cultivate happiness and resilience. And finally, right now we're in

conversation with a number of universities for creating a master's degree in happiness studies. That's incredible. And I feel that. like today, it's so important because I just think with social media, everybody is comparing themselves to other people and looking for those external sources of happiness like we were talking before. So it's so important. Yeah, you know, it is important and also think the, you know, the science of happiness has a very optimistic message for us that it is possible to cultivate happiness. And the fact that it's possible. And the fact that it's possible and accessible gives us hope even in the most difficult of times. Again, and the difference

between sadness and depression is hope. Right. I always like to ask my guests, what is one thing that we should probably stop doing today and one thing we should start doing today? One thing that we should stop doing today is being so harsh on ourselves. And related to that, the thing that we should start doing today is appreciating what we can about ourselves and others. My favorite word in English is the word appreciate. It has two meanings. The first meaning of the word appreciate is, of course, to say thank you for something. And that's a nice thing to do.

And it's a good thing to do. Most religions and philosophies advocated for appreciation, gratitude, and so forth. But the second meaning of the word appreciate is also important. And that is to grow in value, to grow in value. And the two meanings of the word, you know, so for example, money in the bank appreciates or the economy appreciates in good times. And the two meanings of the word appreciate are connected. Because when we appreciate the good in our life, the good in our life appreciates.

We have more of it. So whether it's appreciating ourselves, whether it's appreciating our part, whether it's appreciating the miraculous world that's all around us and within us, and when we appreciate, we'll have more of it, more good in the world. Amazing. Well, I am inspired. I know everyone else is going to be also. Where can everybody find you and find more information?

Thank you. So we're on happiness studies, one word, that's with three S's, Happiness Studies. dot Academy. And there you can find information about lectures and webinars, as well as our longer programs. Amazing. Thank you so much again. Thank you, Ariel. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram.

I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Laurie.