Well with Arielle Lorre - 145: All About SEX and Intimacy with Shan Boodram

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

In this episode I’m talking to Shan Boodram, bestselling author and certified sexologist - kinda like Dr. Ruth meets Rihanna - all about sex, relationships and intimacy. We discuss sex in both dating and long term relationships and how to keep things spicy or get out of a rut; we discuss taboos like anal, anal orgasms and squirting; how much sex is considered normal and healthy in relationships; how to reignite your sex drive; how to overcome incompatible sex drives; how to be more vocal about what you want and during sex and Shan takes listener questions.   www.Helloned.com/BLONDE for 20% off plus free gifts on all orders over $150. www.Headspace.com/BLONDE for one month free of their entire meditation library. www.Dipseastories.com/blonde for 30 days of full access, free. www.JustThriveHealth.com with code Blonde for 15% off site-wide.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits. I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all and live your best life. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I have such a good episode. for you today. Just going to put a disclaimer on this. It's very NSFW, not safe for work,

not good for kids. So if you're listening to this in your car, if you have kids around you, you might want to pop your headphones in or listen to it later because we're talking all things, sex. We're talking relationships, intimacy, but we're also talking like anal and squirting and things that you may want to know but are too embarrassed to ask, definitely talking taboos. And it's just fascinating. I had such a good time talking to my guest and learning from her. So I'm talking to Shan Boudram. She is absolutely incredible. She's a bestselling author and certified sexologist who's been working with the public for the past 13 years to make them more competent and confident in their intimate lives. She strives to create content that is science-based and

sexy, kind of like Dr. Ruth meets Rihanna. She also has her own podcast, Lovers and Friends, which is so amazing. You can go to her Instagram and you can find it through there. She also posts a lot of videos from the podcast and she has a lot of really interesting, compelling conversations there and a lot of deep dives. She also has a YouTube with over 70 million views. She's done tons of TV. She did Netflix, is too hot to handle. She's been on ABC. Good Morning America. The View. Like I said, she's a best-selling author. She's also written for Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, in style. She's also an ambassador for AIDS Healthcare Foundation and Women's Health.gov and a member of the American Sexual Health Association. She also served on Trojan Sexual Health Advisory Board for three years. So she is just so fascinating.

And like I said, we do talk about things that are kind of taboo, but not in like a jokey way. This is nothing to be ashamed of. And I really think this episode will help a lot of people. So with that, please enjoy Shan Boudrum. All right, welcome, Shan. I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you for having me. So excited to delve into all things, sex and relationships and intimacy and all of that.

I think in the two, almost three years that I've been doing this podcast, I've never done an episode on that. So when I, I know it's crazy. That is madness. And when I floated this on Instagram and told people you were coming on, I had them sending questions and there were so many. So we're definitely going to get to those. But to start, why don't you just introduce yourself to the audience? So my name is Shand Budram.

I am a sexologist and intimacy expert who combines my passion and educational background in psychology, sexology, and journalism together to essentially bring conversations that are usually considered taboo to the forefront. So I consider myself to be the Walmart greeter of intimacy. And my goal is to get the average person who's never thought. It's really you. You're my goal. It's the people who have been doing something for three years and have not talked about this.

I want to make this conversation exciting, fun, relatable, cool, memorable. Because I think people shy away from this discussion in fear that it will be shameful and uncomfortable and a bad experience. So I want more people to feel confident and competent in this area. I think it's becoming a little more widely accepted that like sex and intimacy, these are like integral parts of wellness. Yes, girl, yes. And so I think a lot of times it's kind of omitted from the conversation because like you said, it is kind of taboo.

But I feel like more recently, especially in the last couple years, people are recognizing that like that is such an important part of your overall health. Well, we've often seen that like sex. is at 11 p.m. on showtime or it's like HBO, you know, private members only club. And even as recent as a few years ago, the CES, which is the big technology festival, they would decline to have anything that was sex-related as a part. You know, sex technology is huge. That's a huge booming field. And in the past couple of years, they've expanded that. I was around the time that a lot of wellness retreats were like, we don't usually do this. This is really weird for us. So we're going to have you come in as a trial period.

it might be a smaller event, and then sure enough, it would be packed. And people realize that sexual wellness, which people usually siloed off as something very separate, to your point, is a really integral part of just wellness period. When you actually think about it, it's so interesting that we're so, like, ashamed and scared to talk about it because we've been doing it since the beginning of time. It's how we're all here. And I don't know if it's just something like in this country, like so puritanical. But yeah, I don't know. I'm excited to get into it with you. But I'm just curious, how did you get into the... this field. You know what? What you just said resonated with me so much because the way that I got

comfortable in this field, comfortable is not the right. It took me a very long time. I've been in this space since I was 19. I'm now 36. So it's been a while. And when I first got started, I experienced so much fear and so much shame, even though I knew my message was powerful and I knew that I was having important conversations. I was still really afraid of who might hear them and how they might interpret them. And one day, I just said, you know what, look around at the priest who. told you that this was a terrible thing. How'd he get here? Look around at the grocery clerk, who you're afraid that might find out what you do for a living. How does she get here, right? How'd that taxi person get here? How'd your parents get here? You know, for all of the shame

they're putting on you. So like, yeah, 99% of people are here because two individuals got together and had a fantastic night, hopefully. And then, you know, you were conceived. And so this idea that it's this thing that only bad people do or only good people do on Fridays is so. bizarre because it's just an integral part of the human experience. And I think that's really what inspired me is I was really sexual, really young, and I don't say that in a negative way. I viewed it as a positive part of my self-expression, but obviously authorities did not view it as very positive. And so I was shamed really early on from having a lot of body positivity. And then when I got older, I was like, okay, well, obviously I can't share this part of myself.

And I had all these hormones raging in me now, but I knew that it wasn't right to engage in my sexual side at all. So I sought out porn and fiction books to try to fill in the gaps and teach me because I had a lot of curiosity, but no good sources to go to. Now, obviously, if porn is your sex educator probably aren't going to learn the right things, especially if you're a person with a vulva. So I had a really shitty teen sex life. And by the time I turned 19 years old, I was like, okay, either one of two things is happening. Either every adult was right. This is a really negative part of life, or I've not been learning about it in a positive way. So let me give that a shot. I went to the library and I just spent an entire summer reading every book I possibly could.

And that was essentially when I devoted. I was in school for journalism at the time. And I devoted myself to telling stories about sexuality. And then that's what I'm still doing today. Are your thoughts running in endless circles in your mind? With the stresses of this last year, it's more important than ever to practice living healthier and happier lives. So what if a few minutes was all it took to change your relationship with stress and anxiety, transforming your life for the better. Well, that's the power of meditation with Headspace. So Headspace is your convenient dose of meditation, mindfulness, and sleep exercises to relieve stress and anxiety and help you get a good night's sleep all in one app, making it super easy to catch your breath and

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and out through the mouth. As you breathe out, you can just gently close the eyes and just feeling the weight of the body, pressing down, allowing any tension. to release. Imagining the muscles in the body just switching off, relaxing, letting go of any tension, feeling the body sink deeper down to the seat or the floor beneath you. You can either gently open the eyes again or just leave them shut now. See, so easy and so effective. So you can find some headspace at headspace.com slash blonde and you can get one month free of their entire meditation library. This is the best headspace offer available. So go to headspace.com slash blonde. I know that bloating is something that so many people struggle with and especially right now

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So if you're looking for an easy way to banish bloat, improve digestion, and support optimal immunity, you need Just Thrive Probiotic. So you can get 15% off their award-winning probiotic. All you have to do is go to justthrivehealth.com and use the promo code, blonde, blonde at checkout. So again, that's Just Thrivehealth.com. And the promo code is blonde, B-L-O-N-D-E for 15% off. Hi, guys. My name is Sarah Nicole and I am the host of the Papaya Poppa. podcast where each week we dish out some sweetness mixed in with some seeds of wisdom all through candid conversations in a very real intangible way. I want everyone to know that they're not alone and that we share in these experiences called life. And sometimes when we get to know somebody else's story, it changes ours a little bit as well. So I want you to tune in with us

on Mondays. Subscribe, rate and review it and keep these conversations going with us. You can tune in behind the scenes at the Papaya podcast and the Birds Papaya on Instagram as well. Can't wait to see you next week. Let's talk about that porn piece for a second because I feel like so many people nowadays, especially because like back when I was younger, we're the same age. It wasn't as easily accessible as it is now. But now you can just go on your phone and like I feel like so many people, that's their introduction to sex. So when you say that you had like a shitty sex life in your teens,

was it because you were feeling like sex was something performative and you were comparing yourself and trying to be like the people in that? Or how did that play out for you? Yeah, 100%. One, you thought that I genuinely believed, and I also grew up in the era of watching a lot of like BET music videos. So my interpretation of like when you saw someone that you liked, this was the way that you expressed that you liked them.

One, so it was this idea of like courtesy that you almost owed it to somebody. And two, that I was supposed to receive the most amount of pleasure from the person with the penis doing exactly what they wanted to do for themselves. So when they got hard and they stroked way that they want to stroke, I'm supposed to have 40 orgasms between the time that they got hard and they get soft. And when that wasn't my experience, I'm like, my body's broken, but I can't tell anybody because they won't accept me. So I have to keep that a secret and lie, which that translates into faking. That translates into lying to your friends about your experiences and being rarely disconnected from your own body. If somebody is experiencing that right now,

what are some steps that they can take to kind of overcome that? I pray no one's experience that now. I know people obviously are, but there's so much more clitoracy, which is like, you know, literacy around the clitoris now than there was back in my day. Brian's coughing back there. You're okay. Brian's got clitoris. He's choking on his water. He knows what's up. Yeah, like, you know, that when I was started in this space, the number one question I got is I can't orgasm what's wrong with me.

And now people are like, okay, I can orgasm, but can I squirt? Or how about an anal orgasm? Like, people I think have a good awareness of the clitoris is the primary. sexual organ. That's the way that majority of people with vulvas are going to achieve orgasm. And so I hope that there are people now who know that. For anybody who still hasn't really found what their pleasure potential is, I would definitely explore. There's a website. I'll just put that out there. It's called omg yes.com. And it's basically women masturbating and teaching other people how they masturbate. And there's 12 different ways and methods that people use. I think one of those 12

might resonate with you. So if you haven't experienced that yet, I would suggest OMG g-des.com. Since you brought it up, let's just talk about squirting. Yeah. And anal orgasms. Just get right into it. We're never talking about sex before. You're really doing it.

I mean, we got to pack a lot into like the 40 minutes that we have here. Can you explain that to people? Squirting, it really just depends on who you ask because there's not conclusive scientific evidence on this. This is also a major faux pa in the sciences in general that there's not a lot of research dedicated towards female sexual pleasure because, you know, men usually run science things and it's not that important that women, you know, understand their bodies and pleasure. But it's changing slowly. So there's a school of thought that believes that squirting is a

result of urethral tissue, your retrial sponge, and also your skeins gland and your bartholin glands, which surround the opening of the urethra. And because we're all similar in nature, the erectile tissue that men get in their penises, women actually get internal. And that's like the legs of the clitoris and also along urinary tract. And so The theory is that when you get very horny and very aroused, that these tissues swell with fluid, and your skin's gland, which is anatomical similar to the prostate, also collects fluid. And when a lot of pressure is placed, mixed in with the natural contractions of your body that come when you are experiencing pleasure or about to achieve orgasm, that there is like a, that pressure releases in squirts.

There's another school of thought that it's just to release a P. because someone's putting a lot of pressure on that area. And there's an argument, there's Dr. Beverly Whipple, who might be like the, to me, like the forefounder of like squirting research. She says that people who squirt either have very strong PC muscles and as a result they have great control over their orgasm and then are able to expel that fluid when they do get that buildup. Or it's people who've got really weak pelvic floor muscles. And what they're experiencing is coital incontinence, which is. continents from having sex. Right. So it's not like a barometer of pleasure because I think you've seen it like in movies and stuff. I think there was like a sex in the city episode like way back

where they were trying to squirt, like trying to get such a huge orgasm that happened, right? But it sounds like it's just some people's bodies do it and some people some people's down. Yeah, it's always a difficult thing to, I got something called the G shot, which is an injection into my clitoris and I got it into my G spot. And I have. had a conversation with the doctor. And the doctor was a squirder and she was somebody who orgasm very easily from penetration. I've squirited before, but I've never had the experience of orgasm from penetration alone. And she was trying to explain to me that it's a more full orgasm. It's a more intense orgasm. But I'm like, you're not in my body. Right. Right. Like how can you gauge what is a more

intense or more extreme orgasm? Like you're going on in comparison of your own experiences. So I don't think, yeah, that they're aspirational in terms of pleasure. I'm always a big fan of, like, achieving my pleasure potential. If I can receive pleasure from someone stroking in between my toes, why would I say no? Like, I'm on this. It's my body. I want to experience it. But I don't look at it in a hierarchical way of like, oh, I haven't really experienced pleasure until someone's licked my armpit. Right. So I think it's unfortunate that I think societally, they've amplified squirting as like the ultimate orgasm or the true orgasm when it's just another way of experiencing a sensation in your body. And it may not even be positive for you.

Okay. Well, now I want to rewind a little bit. And you have a book, How to Date with Dominance and the Common Pitfalls Women Encounter. I feel like you have to talk about your sex life. What? I think that's the rule here. I'm sharing. You got to share.

Oh, we will. We will. Okay. I'm just backing it up a little bit. Because I do want to talk about the pitfalls that women encounter. So without, you know, revealing everything in your book, obviously. Can you just talk about a few of this? Yeah.

I mean, I think that it's a very difficult time to date. there's actually a really interesting stat that just came out. So a few years ago, I know if you're familiar, they started referring to now as the sex recession. And now it's like the sex apocalypse where one in five single women have not had sex in the past two years. And one in 10 haven't had sex in the past five years. So there are a lot of people who are just not finding partners and not connecting with people. And when you think about the positive side of intimacy, there's something sex. about that. When you think about the fact that a lot of the intimate connections that we've probably had personally in the past were not very fulfilling, maybe there's something positive about

that that people are holding out for something more real. But when we think about dating today, we have to consider that there's a cultural shift of attitude where there's an article that referred to men as having the golden penis syndrome because there are just by virtue of numbers, less men who are university educated with a stable job who are straight than there are women who are in that position. So there is a deficit if you are a straight person of equal partners for you to choose from. And then also in major cities, you know, historically, the rate of homosexuality used to be 5 to 10 percent. And now in a city like New York, it's 10 to 12 percent. So it's already taking away, you know, a supply of available partners for you too. So you have to talk about

environmental. It's not all gaslighting of like it's you, you're the problem. You can't find a person. Like it is more difficult than maybe it has been in previous generations to find an equally yoked partner, even just as a minimum. And then also too, I think culturally there is an issue, but also individually. A lot of people are not investing in learning about how do I be a good intimate partner. And women especially, we've been investing all this time and learning how to be great at our jobs and independent. And those are all really powerful. But those are very separate skills from being a good intimate connector. Yeah, I mean, so many of the questions that I got were kind of around this new normal

between the pandemic and just like with the apps and everything and not meeting people organically and probably the environmental factors like what you're saying. So do you have any tips for people like in this environment or how to meet somebody? We're kind of used to this because we're in entertainment. Right? So we already know what it's like to be in an oversaturated field that, doesn't need you, and you have to prove to every opportunity why you're valuable because there's 10 other people who want your job. So we're already accustomed to this highly competitive market

and then needing to tailor our skills so that we stand out from the rest. The unfortunate truth is that women who are already doing so much work and are leading the charge for every three women who go to university, there's one male sign up. I'm talking in very binary terms here, but that is to say that we're doing a lot of work right now, and I'm asking you to do more, which can be very frustrating for some people. But the truth of the matter is is that it's a very competitive field. And in order to stand out and to pick a mate and secure a mate and find a great mate, you have to really work on yourself as a connector.

And that's what the game of desire was all about. It's like, let's start having fun with this because I know it can be stressful, but it should be fun. Like you are meeting people, you're connecting to people. And the skills of being attractive, attractive is not a gift that you're bestowed upon. It's a skill that you acquire. Some people naturally have it because of the way that they look. some people have parents who are really attractive people and they learn those skills from them.

Other people, they had to pick it up along the way. And if you're part of other people, get to picking it up, get to learning. So there are things you could do within your control to increase your chances so that even though the market is difficult, you can still rise above and get the results you're looking for. How are some of those ways that you acquire attractiveness? One learning about the methods of seduction. So seduction can be, you know, how I look and how I talk in the way that I like, you know, lean into you. It can also be the questions that I ask you. I make you feel special.

So when you're around me, you feel like you're in reflection of your highest self and you want to be around me more. It can be that I'm really fun to be around. It can be that when you're around me, I make everybody in the room feel good. And as a result, you get to get the glow of being with someone like that. You can be the kind of person who reminds somebody of their truest, most freest self in a world where I'm sitting a certain way because I'm societally expected to do so. I'm making eye contact. I'm not drinking my water. When you're with somebody who kind of has a, I don't give a thick attitude and is so free, but not in an obnoxious way, but, you know, reminds you that, like, you're on this life to live it your way. That's a very seductive person

to be around. So there's multiple different ways that you can be a very attractive person who people want to be around and want to continue to feel the magic of. I love that because there is such an emphasis on looks now and it's like everybody is morphing into the same person. I talk about this all the time on my podcast on beauty episodes and like everybody is obsessed with how they look and the filters and the perfection and this and that and the other thing. And it's like that only goes so far. I mean, that completely eliminates the real world connection, you know? And like, even with somebody super attractive, like if they don't have anything else that they're bringing to the table, that's not going to be a lasting relationship. You're 100% right. I talk about that in the

book that there's studies that show that that attractiveness is a major factor in getting people to want to be around you. I'm not going to lie. If you are a physically attractive person, you're going to have more options and more suitors. But there are no studies that suggest that people are more satisfied in their relationships because their partner is attractive, because looks is a depreciating asset. And number two, that how good looking a couple is is going to determine how long they're going to be together. So it really is the other, there's a book that I love that's called The Science of Happily Ever After. And the real point of that book is to say, everybody who is single needs to have three wishes, nothing more, nothing less, three things that

you need to have in a partner. And the book urges you do not make looks a part of your top three. Even though we're biologically engineered to do so, it's a waste of a wish. Okay. So there's kind of two ways that I want to go with this because I feel like half the people that listen to this are probably in long-term relationships. And like everybody, that's kind of generalizing, but the majority of people, I think, feel like they're kind of in like a little bit of a rut and some kind of monotony after the past couple years, especially. And then the other portion of those people are dating and trying to navigate the online dating world and all of that. So let's start with those people, because I did get a lot of questions like, when you're navigating

that world, when is it okay to have sex with somebody? I'm a really big fan of just simplifying it, consent and intent. Consent. Consent, do we both? want to do this most important thing. Yeah, we do. Intent. Why do you want to do this? Do you want to do this because you want to see if there's a real connection and you want to see if our verbal chemistry is manifested in our physical and sexual chemistry? Or do you want to do this because you haven't had sex with anybody and I'm just the closest, warmest body? So if that's your intent, that's my intent, we're probably not going to have a great experience. To me, great sex lasts for three weeks, right? Like, it's the days before. I'm getting excited for it.

It's the actual event is amazing. It's the aftermath, the come down, the after sex care was great. And then a week later, I get, I think about it, I get shivers. I say three weeks because that's how long it takes to get like your sexual health results back. So I don't want to find out in three weeks I did something. And now I caught something that I didn't, you know, plan for. So that would not be a positive experience.

So if you really have that three week mindset, three weeks, that's what good sex is. I think that that's a really big indicator for you to say, okay, I am aligning my intent to ensure that I'm going to feel good about this, not just today, but in three weeks From now, I'm going to thank myself for this choice. I want to talk a little bit about sexual incompatibility because I think that applies to both of those groups, people in long-term relationships and people who are newly dating. So what if you're dating somebody and you have all of those things and you have sex and it's like not good?

Yeah. But it's just because you're not really like on the same like wavelength, what should people do in that situation? I think it's because we have this inherent belief that you're just either good at sex or you're not, which is why people don't learn about sex voluntarily. They're like, I don't have to learn. I'm just naturally good at it or I'm naturally not. So if you can look at it like it's a learned skill, because if I asked you the reverse question, like, what if you met somebody and they were just a shitty cook? But cooking was important to you. What would you do? Learn how to cook. Right. You'd teach

them the recipes you like. Right. You'd try to do classes together. You'd tell them about the styles that were important to you. You'd watch videos together. You'd look at this like, not like, oh, you're a bad cook, like we're never going to be cookily compatible. You'd be like, oh, here's a skill that I've acquired that I've put time and energy into. It's important to me. Clearly, either one, you've put attention into it, but a different cuisine or number two, you've never even, like, had the benefit of learning at all. So compatibility can be taught. I think there's just this notion that we either have it or we don't, but you can definitely create it if you both have that mindset, a learner's mindset, which is rare to find. I will say that. That's kind of the magic factor. Are you with a partner

who has a learner's mindset or is that person ego-based? Right. Well, yeah, I think it goes back to what you were saying in the beginning. Like, this is still kind of taboo for so many people and there's so much shame and, like, embarrassment. And I think a lot of the questions that I got were from people who were, like, afraid to communicate what they want and afraid to have that conversation with their partner. So, I mean, how do you suggest somebody overcome that? Just like go to their partner and say, like, hey, because I feel like sometimes if you have that conversation, it can turn into not accusatory, but people can get really defensive, right? Because they go to like, oh, something's wrong with me. They think something's wrong with me. And then you shut down.

And that's it. Yeah. I want to get into that analogy. When you're like teaching a kid to play a sport, right? You start at the really basic level in really low risk environments. And then you add skills on slowly. And then when they get to a good level, you might have them, you know, trying to try out for a team or something and then play competitively. Like, there's skills and levels to it. There's gradual steps. And so a lot of people have never talked about sex before. And they don't talk about it with their friends. They ain't talk about it in their podcast in the past three years. And then now you're asking them. I'm feeling so called out right now. I love it. I love it. I'm playing with you. Now you're asking them to go to the person whose opinion matters, arguably

most of them, that animal else in the world in that moment, somebody who they feel responsible for that person's well-being and their care and their joy. And you're saying, hey, you never have this conversation. You have zero practice. Go and have it with that person. That's a lot of pressure. So if they listen to this podcast, that's a great step. Listen to other people talk about sex, learn language that feels celebratory to you and not minimizing and say, oh, I'm going to take that. Talk to your friends about it and say, oh, my friends said this, I didn't like that. Or I tried myself saying my desires out for the first time on my girlfriend just to hear how it sounded back. And she did not look like I was crazy.

that's a step in the right direction. So if you are feeling really intimidated by talking to your partner, I would think about the lower levels that you could start practicing and doesn't even have to be you. Like I said, you can listen to stuff or read stuff. It is indicating to you that there's a gap in knowledge. To me, confidence isn't a thing that you pick. It's the result of the work that you've put in over time.

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and you'll get 20% off plus free gifts with orders over $150. Okay. So on the other end of that spectrum is, are people in relationships who have been in long-term relationships, who have gone through this pandemic. Wait, I got to know which one are you. Because I got to ground this. Long-term relationship.

Okay, this is your camp. This is your team. And we have gone through periods where we're like roommates. I mean, it just, especially when we were like fully in lockdown, you know, it was like not exciting. And seeing each other in sweatpants every day. doing the same thing. Like it's just, it's so hard to, I don't know, get some of that excitement back. And, you know, this is the majority of the questions that I got were from people who were

like, how do I spice things up? Whether it's from post-pandemic or just being in a long relationship where things have gotten just kind of mundane sexually. Yeah. Oh, I can, I mean, I went through that with a partner and then I had a baby, which took another toll on my, like, sexual self and the sexual relationships that completely relate to people who are in this space. I think the thing I can only say personally what really worked for me is that I had to stop taking my partner's life and choices so personal. And I think that my expectation that they had to show up in reflection to me, you know, like if they were wanting to alone time, that was a reflection of me. If they were not asking me what I wanted to eat before they chose

and there's a reflection of me. And instead looking at it like, this person's not getting any opportunities just to really be themselves and be selfishly in their own expression. And that can take a lot of toll on them. And even though I want them to take more responsibility for me because I feel more scared and I feel less sureness and I have less contact of the outside world, they are also feeling the exact same thing. So I think taking things a lot less personal, I found that complaining less gave me more of what I was looking for in intimacy than being constantly vocal about all the things that were bothering me. Because we were around each other 24-7 too. And so I think we do this. in other relationships, you're not going to tell your girlfriend every time that she says something

that rubbed you the wrong way. You're not going to bring up every time that, you know, your coworker left the room five minutes before you were ready to end the conversation. You're going to like understand that you can't spend your life constantly unloading on people. But when it comes to relationships, we don't feel that way. And when there's no break from each other, that can get really exhausting. So I'm thinking for myself, I think I spent a lot more time trying to adjust my partner's behavior than just observing and accepting and not taking it personal. And when I did that, I could see that they just, I mean, the basis of it, nobody wants to do things they're not good at. If you're not good at math, you don't want to do math. So I don't feel like I'm good at loving you

because every time that we talk, there's an issue, I'm going to want to do that less and less. So trying to find a space where your partner can be good enough, I think is really important and valuable in this time. And sometimes them not being around is they're good enough. Like, that allows them to recharge. The spicing it up part, it's not that hard. The human brain is really not that, like, difficult to excite. I think people think you have to do something really extreme, like, we've got to go to Cancun and we've got to get another partner and we've got to try a new sex toy, we've got to do all this stuff. You know, you could just surprise your partner with a midday blowjob if you've got a partner with a penis or they could surprise you with midday oral sex or

buy them a really sexy outfit. More people tried a sex toy during the pandemic than ever before. So buy your partner a new toy. You know, there's little. small tweaks you can do, put a red light bulb in the bedroom, play a different song during the playlist, seek out intimacy in the elevator, whatever it is, those little things that you do that tell the brain that this is a novel experience creates that rush of emotions that you probably had in the beginning of your connection. Okay, so how much sex, I don't know if you can even quantify this, but how much sex do you think is normal? And then also how much sex is healthy, like in a long-term relationship. Is there a number? There's two times a week, which is like, I think, yeah, I think that's like,

I have to like refresh my stats on this because as far as I'm aware, two times a week gives you the benefits, the health benefits of sex. I think above and beyond that, I mean, it's extra credit, but like two times a week is considered to be pretty healthy for long-term couples. And then less than, I think it's like 12 times a year, you are considered to be in a sexless marriage, which is, you know, roughly once a month, not even once a month or something. But I don't know who came up with these numbers or where these studies come from. And so I would just go, I mean, that's the thing with wellness. It's like, how many times should you meditate? Right. I don't know. Often as I feel that I know twice a day. Right. Well, there are two times. Maybe two is the right answer. But right, like there's,

you can't off. If somebody asked you, like, what could I do what's most healthy for me? Yeah. You'd be like, I don't know anything about your life to really answer that question for you. So. Well, and I feel like you go through phases. too with your partner where like sometimes two times a week is sufficient and other times you're like feeling really connected and you're doing it more and then other times like depending on what's going on in your life maybe you're not having sex at all for a few weeks but then you come back and get back into some kind of routine so I feel like it's hard to like just give a blanket statement without taking in circumstantial you know I think there's stride you know you strive

but you strive take your vitamins every day if you don't your leg's not going to drop off So you maybe strive for that because, you know, orgasm does great things for your body. It regulates your mood. It helps regulate your sleep. It makes your skin more healthy. It boost your immune system. It can help with heart health. And obviously, it helps with intimacy and connection between you and your partner, both from a chemical level, but also just from emotional level, right?

I feel like we're in this together. So there's obviously benefits to good sex. And furthermore, sex with orgasm, not philanthropy sex. You're just donating your body for seven minutes at a time, you know, begrudgingly. Sex that includes pleasure for you has great benefits. Do you think philanthropy sex is something that only women struggle with? I've come across a couple. I've definitely come across a couple men.

One of the best things I've done with my practice is start asking men because I used to think of it like it's so easy for you guys. Like there's American pie. You guys hump a pie and you're good. You know, I can't rub up against a pie and expect for anything to happen other than like a UTI. So that was interesting to me, but I've definitely talked to more men who have been like, yeah, I don't orgasm easily from penetration. I require more dryness. I require more friction. Or I'm too small and I get kind of lost in that space often. And so I require more focused attention.

So I think there's definitely, you know, people with penises who they don't get off that way and they feel like their manlyhood is so tied to their performance in penetration that they do it because they think it's what their partner needs to feel from them. What about masturbation and relationships? Is it healthy or is it like a sign of something? I think it's part of self-care. You know, I think that that's what's really important. Like with anything else, so I think communication is also really helpful. And if you can ward it that way, right? Like if you're, if you're really big on wellness and your partner does not want to ever meditate with you, they want it to be their own time, but it's like your passion too. You're like, well, why wouldn't we do it together?

They're like, because this is an individual practice for me. And there's something unique about the relationship. I have with myself in this way. And it also refreshes me so that allows me to be better for you. So I think if you said the same thing of masturbation, I know that we have sex, and that's our time or a shared hobby, but the way that I self-pleasure and what I watch when I self-pleasure, that's something different and something for me that makes me feel more full. And when I feel more full, I can be a more present and more vibrant partner for you. Okay. And then the other question that I have about relationships is, and I guess it's kind of tied into masturbation, but a lot of people ask me, like, is it normal to fantasize about somebody

else? Or is it normal if you're in a long-term relationship to have feelings for somebody else? Like, where do you draw the line between like just a normal kind of natural thing and something that could be problematic? Yes, 100%. It's so normal. Sex is really tied with procreation. So your risk and reward center is really heavily associated with your sex drive. And in order for there to be that risk and reward balance, there has to be a risk. And that's difficult to find with a long-term partner where there's so much stability and comfort. So Esther Perel, who's an incredible expert in this space, has really amazing pieces about this, that what love needs to thrive is closeness, but what desire needs to thrive is distance.

And to create distance with your partner, what you have to do sometimes is, Use your imagination. So that could include fantasies with your partner where they're in a different setting and they become new to your brain again. Or it can include a whole different person. There is nothing wrong with having those mental escapes that allow you to, again, be more joyfully present in your sexual relationship. And it's completely normal to have those drives and urges. So I would say dive into those fantasies. And the line of going too far is when you're now stepping out on what your relationship boundary.

are. I think in 2021, we can't assume that everybody's is the same because monogamy is not a given anymore. So what's cheating to you might be different than cheating to me. It's a great idea as a result of that to not assume what somebody else's boundaries are and to have those conversations really explicitly. Like, what could I do that would make you uncomfortable? You know, if I liked a photo, if I DM with somebody, if I flirted with somebody, if I fantasized about somebody, I'd be weary of the person who wanted to restrict your thoughts. That for sure might be a red flag to me, but it's too far when your partner has said that this would make them uncomfortable and potentially be a reason to sever their relationship.

Okay. I want to shift to listener questions because we got so many. So what if somebody has low sex drive, like just in general? Is there a way for them to increase that or does it just vary from person to person? Yeah, I mean, sex drive definitely varies. And there's different ways of interpreting sex drive. There's people who have a disorder, which is HSDD. which is hypoactive sexual desire disorder,

which is medically treatable if you're interested in going that route. There are supplements that you can also utilize, if that's a route you're interested in going in. You might also be part of the ace umbrella of asexuality where you just don't necessarily have that drive. And there's many different ways that can manifest. You could be demisexual. You could be in romantic.

Sorry, what's demisexual? It's people who they, so primary attraction is I see somebody and I'm physically attracted to them. and that physical attraction might lead to sexual fantasies or desire to have sex with them. And secondary attraction is I get to know you and I'm attracted to the person. People who are demisexual don't experience primary attraction. They only experience secondary attraction. So they don't see somebody and associate that person with horniness.

And they may not even experience horniness unless they are around someone that they have formed another emotional bond with. Got it. But if you have low sex drive to the point, that it doesn't feel like a condition and it doesn't feel like an orientation. It just feels like an ebb that's happening in your life right now. I would think about, you know, looking up sexual transmutation, like look up what activities you do that energize you sexually and try to run off that. And to your point, really identifying what it is that turns you on because that's actually more important than finding external things to turn you on. Yeah, that's so interesting.

Okay, we kind of touched on this, but maybe we can get more specific. A lot of people ask how to spice things up with a long-term partner. Oh, you want more specific things? Yeah. Okay. Do you want to go tip for tip? Do you have something that's worked? No, I need to know.

All right. Let me think about some things that can definitely. Okay, so the studies say it's not going on dates that can really spice things up. It's going on double dates. So it's seeing your partner in reflection to other people. So the goal really is to spice things up is to put. put somebody in an environment to call upon new parts of who they are. Because if we're in the same environment, wearing the same clothes, going to the same places, having the same conversation prompts,

you're going to be familiar to me. And so again, going back to desire needs that unfamiliar, it's that risk that, like, who are you and, like, can I get you and, you know, what are you and how do I, how do I harness all of your sexual awesomeness? Like, that's where that drive comes in. And if you're not giving that space, it's, like, difficult because it's like, it's just you, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So double dates are more impactful than single dates. I would try to think back to what are the things that your partner did that initially drew you to them. Did you see them at a party? Were they performing? Were they dancing? Were they cooking something new? Like putting your partner in a position to bring out the best of themselves, one or two, to do the thing

that makes them so confident and so hot that you can't resist them. That's really important. So thinking about the best date isn't like what restaurant can we go to. It might be, we're going to go to the park and you're going to play the guitar for me. Because when I first saw you, you were on stage playing the guitar and it was the hottest thing ever. So I'm putting you in a position to call upon the energy and the version of you that I was most turned on by. I can totally relate to that because like during pandemic, my husband was working at home like a lot of us. And he actually went back before I did because he was shooting new shows and stuff and just seeing him like go and come back and like be in that kind of like powerful position. I'm very

attracted to that. And I was like, holy shit, I'm seeing you in a whole new light. And then even recently, like, we kind of fell back into a run and he's like working from home a lot and kind of doing like a hybrid. And I actually remember like, I don't know, we were just not in a good place. And then over Thanksgiving, we went to this big Thanksgiving party where he was like so in his element. And I was seeing him through other people's eyes. And I was like, yes. It's so interesting. I never thought about that. the double date because, yeah, I mean, he and I can go out to dinner and it's like, great, it's the same where it's just us in a different environment. Right. Whereas you get a little different perspective when you can kind of step back and like see them in a different way. And maybe they tell the story

that you've always heard, but you see other people's reactions to that story and that's what excites you. Yeah, totally. What are your thoughts on fear of intimacy? Fear of intimacy is real. There's a book that I just recently read that's called Mastery of Love. It's like by Miguel something or another. I could pull it up if I need to be. But basically just talking about how like this fear is the human disease. And culturally, like we're just constantly fed fear. Like you're not going to be liked if you don't do this. And that's from a young age, right? If you don't sit still, if you don't behave well, if you don't keep quiet, if you don't get good grades, if you don't excel, if you don't put your shoes on. There's always these conditions for you being accepted and liked. And so as a result of us constantly being in a

state of performativeness and needing to prove that we're worthy of being like and accepted. And there's an acknowledgement that what you want to do and what's needed of you are not the same thing. So that book was just basically talking about that that is like the disease that's built into us. And we take that into our relationships where we have all of these performative needs of our partners. And if they don't, then you're going to take it away. And so obviously there's fear on both sides, right? Because you're always auditioning and you're always trying to prove yourself. And then there feels like there's a lot of competition. Like there's just a lot of fear that naturally ties into that. So the release of that is being able to accept people for who they are and being completely in love with yourself and letting

go of the fear in your own self. And that's a really hard thing to do. Like how do I stop putting conditions on myself to be liked by me and to be loved by me? How do I release the fear in myself that I'm good enough and that I'm worthy and that I'm interesting? And I think when you're you can answer that question for you, you can start to see how you can apply that to your romantic relationships. Yeah, it really does start with you, all of this, right? I see that thread like through everything that we've been talking about today. Well, it's like the easiest person to practice on. You're always available. I'm always around, you know what I mean? Like, and I know this person better than anybody else. And so if I'm going to practice anywhere, like, it should be here.

Yeah. Okay. How can I be more vocal during sex? This person says her boyfriend wants her to communicate more, but she doesn't know what to say. It's a language, right? So if, like, again, you asked me like, oh, I want to go to Italy, like, and I want to learn the language, what should I do? You like get Rosetta Stone and, you know, download Google Translates. So practical step here, there's an app that's called SlutBot. So I think this company called JuiceBox owns it. And SlutBot is an artificial intelligence that sexts you. So Slebot will respond and it sends you prompts. And so you can learn the language of sexting and of talking sexy through this. So that's probably a good practical tip for how to learn how to talk sexy in the bedroom. Obviously watching porn. It's another great one. Especially if you know what categories your partner watches, you learn the language that turns them on the most. Or more importantly, learn the language that turns you on the most. So find categories that feel good for you. But if you don't feel confident about something it means, again, there's a there's a knowledge gap there. And you can't fill that up. up by like wanting to fill it up you have to physically go and get the materials right kind of on the

other side of that what if you want your partner to be more vocal like how do you start that conversation without like back to what i was saying before making them feel like less than or like they're not enough for you or something yeah i think again you could watch films together like watch porn together and so you guys both get accustomed to the language that's used in the bedroom you can just ask questions asking very specific questions. I always say the best sexual partner is a tour guide. It's not a tour guide. It's a tourist. So it's not somebody who's like, here's this, here's that. It's somebody who's like, what's this? How does that feel? What does this taste like? And like, why do you guys do it this way? So you can find by giving, you'll receive back. So if you treat your

partner's body like you're a tourist there and you're really curious and you say that this or that game, if I lick here or if I suck here, do you prefer if I have a circular motion? Do you like it up and down. You might find that they learn the language from you and that they also reciprocate and ask those questions on you. If that doesn't work and they're not picking that up, just being more direct. And sometimes complementing the thing that you want to happen, that even if it doesn't, like, oh, it turns me on when you just take control in the bedroom and tell me exactly what you want me to do. Even though they had never done that, right? Like, oh my gosh, like that one time that you really told, I was going down on you and you told me exactly the way that you wanted it. Like,

that shit was the hottest thing to me. Like I masturbated to it yesterday at work because it was just turning me on. So I think like reinforcing the behaviors that you do want and rather than just pointing out like, hey, you're doing something bad or you're not doing enough. Right. I love that. To the porn topic, I guess, how much porn? And again, this is like, can you even quantify this? How much is normal if you're in a relationship? And I guess that's tied into masturbation as well. But somebody did ask me like how do I, this is kind of separate, but how do I identify a man with a healthy outlook on sex? Her ex turned out to be a porn addict. Yeah, I think addiction speaks to an unhealthy loop where somebody is not in control and they're no longer benefiting from it. It's actually

detracting from their life. So wellness is supposed to add more clarity, more peace, more mindfulness, more health. And so if porn is a part of their wellness routine, that it should be doing those things. If it is distracting where they can't focus on other things because they're preoccupied with porn, if it is taking away from their sex life and maybe even impacting their sexual performance, well, then it's no longer a matter of wellness. It's now an unhealthy addiction. So it's difficult to answer that question for anybody else. It really has to come from them. Like, do you think this is an additive part of your life or is this a subtractive part of your life? And if it is subtractive, are you willing to look into ways to mediate your urge to do this to this, to

some more healthy outlets or are you comfortable with it being like this? Because I'm in a place of abundance. I'm in a place of additiveness. And if you're not, I totally get that, but we maybe aren't aligned right now. Okay. Someone said her boyfriend really wants to have anal, but she's scared. Should she do it? Brian, what do you think? I think it would be a very nice thing for her to do. Of course. Did you send that question him? Yeah. I think it would be nice, but I don't think it's fun to do things your partner doesn't want to do. And again, like philanthropy sex, nobody really benefits from that. And philanthropy anal is a part of that too. So I would really figure out what you're afraid of and then start to try to tackle that. There is a company that has an anal trainer kit. I don't remember any of it. I think it's B vibe. But it starts out with like a really small butt plug and then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So you know like the Russian dolls that they start off really big. And then they get some. smaller and smaller. It's the reverse version of that. So you start off really small and then you get bigger. And then just trying to see like how butt play in general can be additive to your life.

I think anal sex can be the goal. It doesn't have to be the first stop. It might be this fifth or the sixth or the final destination for you. But if you're interested in doing something that you think will benefit your partner and also you, I would try to think about what are ways that I can do this that feel comfortable to me today. Why do you think it's such a thing? for men. Is it just the novelty of it or is it like because it is so much tighter? Oh, I think we should ask the man in the room. Yes. Good. Oh, boy. It feels a bit different. I don't know. I mean, you get a little bit of a different position out of it. You get a little bit of a different reaction. I mean, you get a lot of a different reaction. Do you feel like it's a positive reaction or is it like

this is an extreme feeling and I'm reacting to the extremist of the feeling? I think it's mostly the extreme thing. But the positive is a factor too. I mean, you don't you don't do that to somebody if they're not into it. Yeah. I could see how that would be terrifying. Yeah. There's a nerve. It's called the pedendal nerve that you can access through the anus that actually is linked to the clitoris. So people can achieve orgasm from anal and some people love it. There's also, there's the A spot, which is on the frontal side or the anterior side of vagina, but the posterior side is the O spot. So you can access that from anal as well. So there's definitely arguments for why people with vaginas love anal. But can you access that with your finger too?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. can. The middle finger, like a longer finger for sure, or like the right toy that's curved a certain way. So I think that, yeah, there's something too that it could be pleasurable, but the butt is designed for things to come out, not to go in, and it's tight and it doesn't self-lubricate. So, and then also, too, you've got two muscles. You've got a smooth sphincter, and then you've got the more solid one, and then they don't relax on their own. It's not like part of your butt you can squeeze right now, But there's a part of your butt that's voluntary. So if that part doesn't choose to open up, then it can be very difficult and very painful. So your body has to be in a complete state of relaxation where that muscle automatically relaxes. So there's a lot of factors that would make it not pleasurable. And I think the number one thing that would make it not pleasurable is coercion and being rushed. I think like slow, wet, smooth. What loop do you like? Um, silicone-based lubs are good for anal because they don't get absorbed by the skin. And so

use water-based for other things because you're working with natural lubrications too. But because the anus does not lubricate at all, you don't want something that's getting absorbed into the skin. Okay. Noted. Let's see. What to do when your husband stops having sex with you for a year? Hmm. Do you think he's fucking someone else? No, I mean, there's, if the question was reversed, there's a lot of women who go through sex recessions like that, you know, take a year off. And so just, I mean, what to do, girl, you've got to start asking questions or go to therapy if you don't feel like you're the right person that he can talk to. I would just start with curiosity before I went to ultimatums or tried to get solutions.

Because if you're asking what to do, it doesn't sound like you know why it's happening. And that's really the most important key part here. Okay, well, I like to ask my guests. One thing that everyone should or could start doing today, in this case, for sexual wellness or help, and one thing to maybe stop doing today. Oh, stop having philanthropy, sex, or any kind of activities that you're doing that make sex a chore for you, like any component, even if that's, you know, self-pleasure. If you're on some kind of like mission because somebody told you you have to masturbate every single day in order to achieve wellness and you dread that time of day, one, you can kind of reconfigure your attitude or see if there are things you could do to adjust your

routine to make it pleasurable. So I'm not saying throw it out, but I would stop doing it the way that you're doing it. This is supposed to be an area of your life of joy, of self-expression, of self-love, and you think about how you want to love yourself. And I think that kind of speaks to what the start is. Start thinking about your best day, your best week, five of your best days. What do they include? And if there's an element of your sexuality and that being expressed, that's inclusive in that. Think about like what did you do around that to make that like a joyful activity and start trying to make that an everyday thing, right? Like it doesn't have to be just Valentine's Day or special occasions where you let yourself have great sexual actualization.

There's little things, you know, that you can start doing today, whether that is something for yourself or something to spice up your relationship or something to change the way people interact with you to make yourself, again, going back to seduction. Like there's things that are in your control that you know that you've done in the past when you went on vacation that resulted you having that bomb-ass sex life. And maybe you're no longer in Tulum, but you're still the same person who was in Tulum. So what can you start repeating today to give you those same results? Tulum is a very sexy place. Can we agree on that? I went there with my girlfriend. I was there last year with my girlfriends and I was like, holy shit, I had never been there

before. Something about it. Like just the jungle, I think. I was like, whoa. You know, it's a big thing, too. like I make a really big point to keep my thermostat up in my house because I don't want to be in cold clothes. You know what I mean? Like I don't want to be like wearing 40 layers where I don't feel turned on. Yeah. So I want it to be warm in my home so I can wear less clothes so I feel more in my skin and in my body, which, you know, takes away a barrier to me feeling sexy. That's a good idea. And then if you want that Touloum vibe, get the humidifier and blast that bad boy. And some dream catchers on your wall. Get some king of palms. Put them up. Right. Get some some white furniture, buy some white linen pants.

Get you back there. Yep. Love it. Maybe that's why everybody in L.A. right now has that Tulum vibe going on in the house. Trying to get some of that in their life. Well, thank you so much for coming on. This was so fun to talk to you.

Where can everybody find you and listen to your podcast? Yes. That's the only thing I care about right now. I'm new to podcasting, so I'm so jealous of your three years under your belt. Congratulations. I just think it's such a phenomenal space. It would be so long to get here. But it's called lovers and friends.

And look at my arms right now. I'm very intense about this. For those you can see on video, I'm very serious about this podcast. It comes out every single Wednesday. Each week we tackle a different topic with intimacy. Fun fact, this week's episode, if you're familiar with Girls Got to Eat podcast, Ashley Heseltine is the guest. And we're talking about what to do when it makes sense to have sex with somebody, but you don't want to fuck them. That's the entire episode. I like that. Yeah. I'm going to tune in for sure. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for letting me be your first. I know this term is no longer used, but for popping your... There you go.

I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to. the Blonde Files podcast on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Lori.