Well with Arielle Lorre - 160: Relationship Q+A From a Guy's Perspective

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

In this episode, I'm talking to Bachelor vet and podcast host, Nick Viall @nickviall, about relationships from a guy's perspective. We go into fun topics like f*ck boys and girls, open relationships, cheating, and analysis paralysis with modern dating. We also get his perspective on settling, finding "the one," and setting yourself up for successful relationships via boundaries. He also answers listener Q+A's on whether someone can change and shares what he finds most attractive in a woman.   www.Arrae.com with code 'blondefiles' for 10% off one time purchases or 25% off first month of subscription. www.Athleticgreens.com/blondefiles for a free 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase. www.Talkspace.com with code 'blonde' for $100 of your first month. www.Curology.com/BLONDE to start your free 30-day trial.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Sondergare Go to your Reisadviceor Orsoniccars. The following podcast is A Dear Media Production Hey, welcome to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything

in between, no topic is off limits. I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all and live your best life. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I have a really fun episode for you guys. guys today, one that I really enjoyed recording. It's a double files. I have Nick Vial of the Vile files. I didn't even realize till after we recorded, I was like, oh, we're both the files. I did not copy him. You guys probably all know the origin of the Blonde Files name that I cannot escape as much as I want to. I can't stand it, but here we are. Anyway, like I said, I'm talking to Nick vial. And we are talking all about relationships from a guy's perspective, which I haven't had on

this show yet. So of course, he is a bachelor bet. He is a podcast host of the vial files. And again, we're talking about relationships. Sorry, I'm recording this intro early in the morning. So I feel like I might be repeating myself and not making any sense. But in this episode, we get into a ton of different topics like fuck boys, fuck. girls, open relationships. We talk about the paralysis of choice when it comes to modern dating with so many choices and people at your fingertips. We also get his perspective on settling, finding the one setting yourself up for successful relationships with boundaries, which I found to be really interesting. And then he also answers some listener Q&As on things like whether somebody can change. And he talks

about what men find most attractive in women and so much more. So I hope you guys enjoy the episode. All right. Welcome, Nick. So excited to talk to you. I'm excited to be here. So I was telling you off mic that I got tons of questions from my audience. I've been doing a fair amount of like relationship and dating episodes recently, but I haven't gotten the male perspective. So everybody is really looking forward to that. But to begin, just for anybody who is maybe not from me, familiar with you. Can you just give us a background on who you are and what you do? Yeah. Well, my name's Nick, as you've probably already mentioned. Most people probably at least started knowing me from my time on The Bachelor. And then since then, I see, I've got three. We started in

2019. I host a podcast myself called The Vile Files and we do three shows a week and we have three different formats, which is one of which is my ask Nick, which is similar to like people calling in and it's like long form or they tell their story, some sort of situation ship or problem or issue with a friend. And I just, I give them my point of view. And I almost don't like calling it advice rather than what I try to do is just give them a little bit more honest lens about their situation because when we're emotionally involved in situations, we have a hard time kind of seeing it clearly just because we're compromised by either our egos or things that, you know, we want. And so that's a lot of fun and people seem to know like that.

And then being from The Bachelor, a lot of people like to hear my point of view when it comes to the show. So we recap it and cover all our pop cultures. And then we have our growing deep represents on Wednesday where I interview other public figures or experts and things like that. and we started doing kind of mediation calls, which is similar to the asnick, but with couples. Couples will call in and not couples who are like looking to break up. We're not saving relationships, but it might be like a fight that they're having or, you know,

some small issue that they're not, you know, really seeing eye to eye. And we try to find out if there's some common ground, which is a lot of fun. So that's a little bit about me. I don't really know a ton about your background, but I would imagine that prior to doing The Bachelor, I guess I'm more curious. How did your perspective on relationships change, if it did it all, from your experience being on The Bachelor? Because before you went on, would you have ever imagined that you would be giving couples advice and talking to people about dating and relationships? Was that always something that you felt was a strength of yours?

Or did it kind of evolve after you went on the show and then like in your experiences after that? Well, definitely evolved. And I can't say I ever imagined it. I mean, I was selling software for a company called Salesforce. But I was always the friend that people would go to for advice just because, you know, for better or worse, I'm blunt, which is helpful sometimes. I'm always like the friend people that don't always want, but, you know, sometimes need. And I've always been good at kind of understanding kind of interpersonal relationships, mostly just kind of getting, you know, getting over my own bullshit in my 20s. So the show, I think, you know, I used to always kind of be resistant to that question in terms of like the show didn't teach me anything.

Kind of like, but I think after thinking about it, I think what it kind of reinforced was that feeling in love doesn't necessarily or doesn't always mean that you are in fact in love. And I think that's something that it's important to remember for everyone, especially early on in dating when we get really excited. and we're going through, you know, the honeymoon phase, as they say. I'm high. Yeah, because you don't have to be on The Bachelor to get excited about someone, especially if maybe you feel a little unlucky in love after a while. And you meet someone and you want to make it work and you put a lot of pressure on yourself and things like that.

So, yeah, that was kind of a good reminder to be cautious, even about your own feelings, especially it relates to love. That's interesting. I want to dive into that a little bit because I've been in a relationship for seven years married for three. So I've been out of the dating game for a while, but I see a lot of my friends male and female who are out there and they're doing the apps and everything. And I see this like continual pattern of like getting really excited, kind of getting that high with somebody thinking that it's going to be. And then like the crash. And then some people I think kind of ride that out

and stay in wrong situations. Yeah. Because they decide that this is going to be their relationship for them based off of that initial feeling. So how are some ways that you or somebody listening can kind of discern between actually being in a strong relationship versus just feeling like you're in love? Yeah.

As it really comes down to setting boundaries for yourself, people talk a lot about boundaries for yourself and other people, but it's really about boundaries for yourself. and then you enforce them with other people. And the hard part is that, the second part is that hard part is actually enforcing them. You can come up with a million boundaries

of things I'm not going to do and things I want. But it's enforcing them when you get excited and not negotiating with yourself. If all of a sudden, it's like, oh, yeah, but they're so cute. And like, they're really good luck. You know, I was just like, oh, they're like,

I love that they work for this company or something. And then we, we, again, I say negotiate with ourselves because every time we make excuses for the people we get excited about when something feels a little bit off, that's us just negotiating with ourselves about our willingness or unwillingness to enforce a boundary we had set, you know? And that boundary might be something like, I'm not going to go out with someone who texts me day of to hang out, you know? And maybe there's like an exception to that because, you know, maybe they invited you to a really cool concert. It's like, yeah, I just got these tickets from my friend. And it's like, of course, yeah, like that makes sense why you would have an impromptu.

But the classic, like, you know, we all gotten those texts before. And certainly I've sent those texts before. It's just like, hey, what are you doing tonight? It's like nothing. Oh, well, do you want to hang out later? Well, that person definitely hasn't been thinking of you. They just got bored enough to reach out. And so trying to kind of set those up for yourself and then enforcing them will help you kind of filter through people.

because it's just filters, right? I pulled my audience not too long ago on if they thought dating was harder or easier than 50 years ago, 10 years ago, and two years ago. And I think it was 90%, 89%, and 75% all said it was harder than all those threes. I mean, overwhelming, everyone just thinks it's harder now. Right. Which is like you would think logic would tell you the opposite, right? You have more options. There's more dating apps.

It's easier to meet people. we're learning all these new words like gaslighting and breadcrumbing and non-negotiables and attachment styles like oh we have more information it should be easier but it's a little bit of paralysis to choice and then our expectations are higher but we're not like learning kind of the filters and the way it's really just about us right how do we police ourselves we're always worried about the people we want to meet and i think we need to focus more about like our choices and recognize that like dating is a means

to a beginning, as I say, you know? It's not like, it's not meant to be necessary. It can be fun, but it's not meant to be fun. You know, you're building a house,

so to speak. Yeah. I'm thinking of a terrible analogy, but as far as the, what did you call it, something paralysis? Paralysis choice kind of thing. Paralysis of choice,

yeah. Yeah. Well, it's like 50 years ago, there were probably one or two TV channels. And so you would watch whenever it's on TV. Now, so many fucking platforms, I sit there and I look for something to watch for an hour and then I get paralyzed by it and I go to bed. Like, same kind of idea.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I use that same analogy, that Netflix analogy of dating and browsing on Netflix. People are spending all this time trying to find the perfect preview. You know, you can go on Netflix and watch a preview and it's just like, oh, well, I like it. I don't know. No one ever wants to just press play. We've all become this person. It's just like the pressure of finding the one still there. That's never changed, right? But the more options definitely hasn't made it easier because back in the day it was you just get engaged with the person, you know, you like the most at 20 years old. And then you, and then you just made it work. Yeah. And you don't know what else is out there. Now it's like in your face when you open up Instagram or TikTok or whatever or any of

the dating apps, which, you know, when I was doing it, it was only like Bumble. Now I know there's a million. Do you think that that is part of what makes it so difficult is that? Is that that like you can kind of always be looking even if you are in a relationship? 100%. Yeah, because we've gotten all these options, but, you know, we haven't, like sports analogy, because I like sports, but we haven't changed our playbook, even though the game has changed, so to speak. Right. So, and going back to we get all these options and we just assume, now we just have to pick. But how we pick is going to be different because we have so many more options and everyone we're dealing with also has options.

And we can't control them. So that's, you know, there's nothing we can do about that. But we could go a long way to make our lives easier by going on a date or something like that. You know, because how many people, your friends will just have 10 or 15 matches and there's talking to a bunch of guys and they're just waiting for the guy to ask them out or, you know, and things like that where you just have to decide for yourself, what am I going to, how am I going to control?

my choices and my dating experience. And I'm not going to wait at anyone. I'm not, you know, if a guy wants to or a girl wants to ask me, great. But if I like someone, I'm going to make a move. Or maybe your boundary is, I want someone to ask me, fine. I don't necessarily agree with it, but that's what you want to do. But at least you say, well, I'm going to give them a certain amount of time to make a move. And if not, then I'm going to move on.

But like we're kind of just collecting matches like little trophies. Right. And like accumulating them is like in almost, validating ourselves, well, at least I have a bunch of people interested in me. And we're kind of dating as if it's like a popularity contest rather than like a goal of finding a single individual. So I am recording this super early. It's like seven o'clock in the morning and I've been working for the past half hour. I woke up very groggy. But first thing that I did when I woke up before I had my matcha, before I did anything, was drink my athletic greens. And I swear it gave me like this little

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is pay $5 for shipping and handling. That's curology.com, C-U-R-O-O-G-Y.com slash blonde to start your free 30-day trial and you can cancel any time. Prescription is subject to consultation. I used to care so much about portraying a perfect life and acting like everything was okay when really things were far from it. I was secretly battling anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. So it was a lot. I'm Victoria Garrick, former division one athlete, mental health advocate, and host of RealPod. Every Wednesday, I sit down with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more to talk about the inner thoughts and feelings that we're all struggling with. So leave the filters and face tunes at the door

and join me on RealPod. How did all of this play out for you in your relationship? I saw an Instagram post of yours when I was getting ready for this where you said something like, I'm so glad I said no to all of them so that I could say yes to you all the time.

And I was like, well, that's really cute. What does that mean? I was just trying to have a really cute Instagram caption. I think that was, yeah, it was probably more interested to Instagram caption. But like what was different? How did you prepare yourself for this relationship that you're in now?

I was patient. Okay. And at the other day, I was, in fact, patient. I was, for me, comfortable with being single for a long time. And there were certainly times where I had moments in my, because I was single for, in my 20s, I had three very serious relationships, all of which at one point I was like, I'm going to marry this person, right? And then after that last one broke up in my early 30s,

I was very comfortable with being single and, you know, kind of knew. I learned a lot about myself through those relationships and what I liked and what I didn't like. And so once you start dating with more expectations about what you're looking for, it's easier to say no to things. When I met my first girlfriend at 18, it was like, I think you're attractive and you're nice to me.

I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. And when you're older, you say no to more things. And that sometimes, sometimes there was a point where I got so used to saying no to people. And then you're kind of afraid, at least I did. I think, and I think it's a relatable feeling for people who are, you know, single and dating in like the late 20s or early 30s. It's you want to find that feeling that you felt when you were 18, 19, 20, 21 of falling in love, you know. And for me, it was.

was weird because I certainly felt those feelings going on the bachelor. It's an environment designed to elicit those emotions. And it was like, do I have to go on the fucking bachelor to feel this kind of like euphoric, you know, falling for someone? Or do I just have to pick someone, you know? I literally, I remember having a sob where it's just like, I went on these dates with these, you know, great women, really cool, beautiful, interesting fun, but I just wasn't, there was just something I wasn't, you know. And I remember wondering if like, should I just, do I just pick someone and just try? And I think there's some truth.

I think I could have to a certain extent. And with Natalie, you know, when we first met, I was still really hesitant. And I definitely kind of had a thought of like, what am I saying no to? You know, like, am I being extra cautious? And I kind of realize I just have to try this. She DM'd you, right? Yeah, she's sending my DM. Like that move?

Yeah, I respect it. And even, you know, we've kind of told the story a few times. but, you know, while we were kind of basically just fucking around. And it was mutually very casual early on. And it reached a point where she was like, no, I want to, I want this to be something. And I was like, nah. And she was like, cool, fine. She didn't, you know, no begging, nothing.

And she didn't even, she wasn't like, she didn't give the old classics. So what are we doing? Right. Like the what are we? What are we? What are we? What you should never do? She did what you should only do.

do is she just said exactly what she wanted. She said why. And then she didn't negotiate with me. And she was like, okay. And then she went and showed me exactly what I might miss, you know. And she didn't play games. But if I reached out and she had a date, she would be like, I have a date. And she'd go on the date. I quickly was like, all right. Yeah. How long did that take for you to go from not wanting anything serious to realizing what you were missing? When she first put it out there, like a month. Okay. All right.

She made you sweat a little. So, yeah. For me, it meant I was patient. And I'm very thankful that I was because, you know, sometimes when you're doing things, you're kind of wondering, am I making the right decisions? And, you know, maybe there's some luck involved. But I am really lucky to have her in my life. And it really is, I mean, a great relationship.

It's, I feel very fortunate. it and I think it was just being comfortable with waiting, you know, because I think it can get very discouraging, you know, being single for so long, you know, and you're just kind of like, fuck. And it's not because you didn't meet people. I've had a lot of great people. And I've had a lot of nice dates. But you're just trying to, you're trying to find one for the rest of your life and people.

And that's the hard part about dating. We put a lot of pressure on that. And I think our kind of decision-making treats, back in the day was a lot simpler. You know? Well, yeah, and I feel like back to the paralysis of choice, like, again, I'm not single now, so I can't say for sure. But if you do start dating somebody and you get that doubt about, well, am I making the right

decisions? Is this the right relationship? You know, anytime there's a bump in the road, it's so easy to just bail and see what else is out there. Totally, yeah. I don't believe in the one. I don't believe in fate or anything like that, where people will disagree sometimes with me. I say things like, the reason why people are afraid to define a relationship these days, because they are.

I pulled my audience before, and people are hooking up, like, crazy. Like having sex with a stranger, no big deal for people. Defining a relationship, people are like, oh, my God. What do you mean? And I think it is because, again, we're afraid of, well, what if I get in this relationship? I might miss something that comes along. But I think you have to choose to be with someone every day. Right.

Like a relationship is a choice. I mean, and it's not like I wake up every day and go, do I want to be with Natalie? But I think you have to actively choose to make the person you want to be with a priority every day. Because if you don't, that's when things can kind of fade away. and things can, you know, new people can come into your life and you can be tempted because it does, it does make an active choice to say, I want to give up my freedom of being single. There you go. Excuse me.

It's a sparkling water, everybody. I don't want to give up my freedom of, you know, going in the apps or not going out with my friends and, you know, going to, I don't know, going to a, I don't know, going out and getting hit on and saying yes to that. I mean, there's a lot of, you know, there's a fun side of being single, which I think it's one of those, you know, grass is always greener. Just don't forget how much fun being single can be when you're single. And don't forget how much fun being in a relationship can be when you're in a relationship, you know, and actively remember that. I was talking to a friend of mine, a male friend of mine the other day, and I don't know if I want to say who it was, but he knows the ins and outs of a lot of people's private lives and relationship. and we were talking about marriage, and he said that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. So of the less than 50% of people who remain married long term, he said like 75% of those that he knows at

least are cheating. And then of the 25% of the less than 50% who are still married and not cheating, he said that the only ones that he knows that are, or the happiest ones that he knows, are in open relationships. What do you think about that? I get the logic. I get the logic. I mean, I'm assuming this person who lives in LA. L.A. L.A. is a different place. When Nali and I were dating but not in a relationship, like we're hooking up, we were incredibly honest. I think, strangely enough, that solidified and cemented like a really good foundation for us. You know, I would, was one of those people where if I know this person likes me

and I don't want to, even though I started I liked her and, but I was like, I can't be I mean, if I don't want to be in a relationship with her, I can't, she doesn't owe me anything. But your instincts will want,

make you just still ask. Like, have you been on any dates? You know, especially if you're still hooking up. And I think most people kind of lie in those situations. They're like, no, no, you know. We were just really honest. I was like, yeah.

And she was very honest. with me. And it made us both a little jealous, but like, kind of, you know, like it made you want them more. Yeah. And so even that, you kind of get the logic there. But, you know, when it comes to relationships, I hear enough of people's stories. I don't judge anyone's in terms of their choices, whether it's open relationship, or polyamorous or just monogamous. I just think the end of the day, if you're brutally honest with your partner about insecurities, how you're feeling, it just makes you feel a lot safer because like I do I care way more about trust than monogamy if that makes sense yeah for sure 100% and I told Natalie too it's just like I would and I did say

this if like when we started dating first started dating it's just like I I'm not saying I want you to hook up other people but I mean it when I say that if you ever got tempted let's say you went on a girl's trip and you met some guy. I just, I don't know what I'm to say, but I would want you to call me up and just tell me, because I'd rather give you a hall pass than have you lie to me. I value the honesty so much more. And I think, and I was speaking on like what we had built in these like nine months of us like not being in a relationship, that I just treasured that just knowing that we were always telling each other the truth. And I think that's to me that can build a relationship. So if you are in a open relationship and you have that, I think it can work.

We haven't tempted that. We haven't, she hasn't called me up or anything like that. But I get the logic. And I suspect it's people who really have that trust. And it's one of those things where I feel like knowing you can is half, have that freedom. And then you kind of like don't want to because you, you want to just be with the person you feel safest and most connected with. But yeah, I can work for anyone. I do think marriage, and it's kind of in a historical sense is the reason why, yeah, I get so many people divorced, too, is everyone's getting married for the wedding. Yeah.

You know? Especially now. Or the kids. And, you know, they're still dating, you know, people will date for six months and 12 months, a year and a half get engaged and then learn a lot of new things about their husband or wives. Yes. And, yeah. So.

Yeah, people are on their best behavior for the first. I think more than a year. I think the real, the real person and the real, like, I don't know, the minutia and like the nuanced stuff, that takes a lot of time to start coming up. And the dynamic just changes after you're with somebody for so long. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

About a year. I'd say a year. If I had a guess, well, yeah, I'd agree. About a year. So my friend and I, that one that I was talking about, we were talking about sanctum. Have you heard it? Well, I've heard the word, but I don't know. It's a sex club in L.A.

and Miami and New York and a couple other places. It's like very exclusive. But we were talking about how in his point of view, and I haven't thought about it much, but I kind of agree, if you're both okay with it, that's kind of the most civilized way to like go about having other people in your relationship

because you just go there. You take your ego out of it. Everyone's there for the same reason. You do whatever you do. And then you're out. And that's it. And it's not like having another relationship or cheating or whatever. Yeah.

Again, I get the logic. I do. And I get how that could work because the problem, and I'm thinking out loud too with like open relationships is it's kind of like, you know how like, like you're younger. There's always like with something you've dated.

There's always that like conversation about like having a threesome, like some relationship. And then it's always like. Never a good idea. Would you, yeah. Would you, would you ever have a threesome?

And then even if two people are like, yeah, we should do it. The nurse is like, well, who do we ask? It's always like this weird thing. And then if you're in an open relationship, it's kind of like, well, how do you go about doing that? I don't have the first clue. And then you don't want to, you don't want your partner, I'm assuming, if you're in a

open relationship to cultivate a relationship. Right. And you have to get to know someone and build that kind of trust or intimacy to the point where you'd want to sleep with them. I think it's too many people to expect everybody to be on the exact same page. Like I had a threesome when I was, I don't know, my 20s. And it was my boyfriend and I and like one of my best friends. It was worst decision ever because I don't know. That's too many people to have like things going on and like feelings get involved and same. I feel like it's the same thing with an open

relationship. I know some people who have open relationships who seem happy. But I'm just like, just where does it end? Exactly. I think you have to have a lot of boundaries. Yeah, like talk about and talk about things. And I do think that I feel like if there is some sort of club, the sanctum or whatever, that would seem to work because it seems like they probably have some rules or something. Yeah, it's like what happens at symptom stays at sanctum.

And then you don't have to worry about like them going on dates because it's like being an open relationship is one thing. Like your partner going on a date with someone and that's a whole other mess. And so yeah, I do think the world is only. only going to push the limits of traditional monogamy and relationships because so much of marriage is still based off of this endowment and kind of getting married young and just, you know, literally kind of trying to put a square peg in the round hole, maybe not literally, maybe more

figuratively. But it will literally feel that way because you're just trying to force it. You're like, you're just like, well, we had our vows and I guess we have to make it work, but like I kind of hate you right now or that pressure and people, you know, like, either we're going to have to figure out different ways of doing it or less and less people will get married. And something that I think is fascinating is life expectancy is increasing. So say that, like in our lifetime, average, I don't know if it'll be average, but a lot of people will live to 100. So you get married at 22. Yeah. You're supposed to be married. Even if 30.

You're supposed to be married to that person for 70 years. I mean, it's just seems a little crazy. Like, I love my husband, but that's a little crazy. And like back in the day, you know, you watch like the madmen, madmen. Yeah. And it's, and that's kind of how it was. That's why, like, your rotary clubs existed because guys would just get sick of their wives and they'd go drink with their buddies.

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That's $100 off at Talkspace.com with the promo code blonde. So I want to switch to listener questions, but just off the top of my head before I look, I know that we got a lot about cheating. So from your point of view, why do you think guys cheat? How do I think guys cheat? I don't know. I think weakness? Yeah, I mean.

But is it like sex or is it the, I had, what was her name, Dr. Jen Mann, she was the therapist from couples therapy on VH1. Okay. She was on my show like two weeks ago. And she said that there was a study done where 93% of men cheated for an emotional connection before sex. And then it was like 92% or 93% of women, 92% of men. Whatever it was, it was in the 90s, cheated primarily for an emotional connection

or that was what preceded the sex. And I think... That makes sense. I think most people just think, oh, guys, cheat just to sex. Yeah, I mean, I've never cheated, so I can't speak, like, from a personal experience on, like, why I cheated or something like that. But that wouldn't make sense in the sense of... Because, like, there's an excitement around it, right? It's always the build, right?

For sure. It's always, you know, I think sometimes in relationships, we, I mean, dating relationships, it's very easy to compete with your partner. It's very easy to unload on your partner, to take out your frustrations on your partner, to take them for granted because you just assume they're never going to leave. So you kind of unload, kind of the stress of your day on them, and then they become less of a partner and more of a punching bag. And whether you're a man or a woman, you meet someone who sees you the way your partner used to see you. Is this like charming and well-dressed and funny?

And you start feeling like, well, man, I am. I'm pretty great. And I think, yeah, I think it's people seeking out a validation. They're not getting in their relationship. And like the novelty aspect of it, I think. Like the newness because that high and that honeymoon phase wears off. So I think seeing somebody or being seen in that like kind of mysterious way, unfamiliar way, I think that that's.

Well, yeah, because I do think a lot of people get into relationships. And I think that's why like they're getting in relationships before really building an emotional connection, emotional intimacy. And you, I think on one of your like questions before coming in, you're going to talk about like fuck boys and fuck girls. And yeah, I think everyone can be fuck boys. I use fuck boys broadly. It's a state, like it's a,

women are fuck boys, men are fuck boys. And I think it's because, so it's hookup culture, but to understand hookup culture, you have to understand an emotional connection. Like, emotional connection is not like getting excited about someone. It's not about like having a couple good dates

and having that conversation where they're just like, I feel like I've known you forever. It's not wondering if they're going to call. It's getting in a fight or knowing that someone's learned, annoying habits and still knowing that they're going to wake up and be there and it's building that trust. And we're not spending enough time building that. And I think you can be a fuckboy because

all you have to do is engage in hookup culture or have sex without any type of emotional connection. And not, again, not a like chemistry. I mean like just trust that they're going to be there. And then some person like gets another option and they leave. And then you feel like you've been fuck boyed because they were just like, you know, they were saying a bunch of things and that changed, but you hooked up and you feel a little bit used and yeah, it happens both ways.

So with the fuck boy or fuck girl, the M.O. is kind of like that they're not ready to commit. They're not ready for anything serious, right? Yeah, but they just don't want to. Okay, that was my next question. So if that's somebody's excuse, this was what a lot of people asked me. Like,

oh, he says that like he's just not in a stage where he's ready to commit. isn't everybody just not ready to commit until they meet the right person? Exactly, yes. Okay. Yeah, that's the thing. Everyone, like, your fuck boy is someone else's future husband. Right.

It's everyone, and that's, it's the well-intentioned fuck boy. Like, I'm old enough to, like, remember, like, we need to start using the word player again. Because to me, it's like the player is like the club promoter person who's out there, you know, collecting notches on his belt and, you know, objectifying. And they're not even, they don't care about relationship. The fuck boy is like, it's you and me who are like, yeah, someday I want to get married. And I have, I do want to find a connection. But I'm also like, I want to make sure it's the right one.

So I'm getting on all these apps and I'm meeting all these people and I'm, you know, whatever. I'm not religious anymore. So if we have a couple good dates, we're going to have some sex, you know. And all of a sudden, I've changed my mind. And the next thing you know, you're a fuck boy. And they're all well-intentioned. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why they just don't like you. he's just not that into you. Yeah, it's that. Like what I try to, they're just not interested in making you a priority. Right. At the end of the day. Somebody said,

what is it about girls who aren't that attractive, but have the it factor? But not attractive by whose standards. Right. This, you know. But are there, yeah,

what are qualities about women? Right. They, whoever this person is, this person asking this question, sees themselves as, is pretty, but has a lot of insecurities, right? And the person they're referring to who they've deemed is less attractive than them, clearly has less insecurities in that person. And they,

or they go around and not, and they have insecurities, but they don't upset. There's a difference, everyone, we all have insecurities. And some people have their insecurities and just own it. Because being confident isn't about not having insecurities. It's about owning your insecurities and not being crippled by them. You know, you don't go around and being like, and not being validated for your insecurities. Like, oh, no, don't worry. It's like the person is like, do I look good in this? Or like, how do I look? Or constantly, like, is my hair okay? Because you're insecure about how your hair looks. You're just like, I don't know, my hair's the way it is. Either way, I'm sure I look fine. You know, it's knowing that your hair looks the same every day to everyone

else but yourself. And this person is a little bit too wrapped up in their insecurities. it would be my guess, and the person she's referring to just kind of goes out there and just accepts who she is and is a little more comfortable with themselves. Yeah, because what is, I was, I recorded some TikTok I haven't posted yet, but like, people can smell when you're seeking out validation, and it's a, it's a stinky stench. Like it's, you know, you can smell it on people. When we're pining for attention, people can tell, and it stinks. So do you think that confidence is the most attractive quality,

that a woman can have? I'm fat to stack rank them. Sure, I'll say that's the most. Top three. Yeah, it's a big, I hate ranking them because I think for everyone, you know, we all say we're like we're looking for everything.

Attractiveness matters, your physical attractiveness. But like guy or girl, we've all met attractive people that we couldn't stand five minutes later. And we've all met people who we thought were really attractive and funny, but we're really insecure. And, you know, you want all those things to find the right person.

So I think it's just having a good mix of the things that matter most to you. Okay. Somebody asked, is there a healthy way to get a guy to change? Leave. Yeah, walk away. That's it. Okay. Yeah, you don't get people to change.

Right. Yeah, you have to set a boundary and then enforce it. And usually enforcing it means walking away. because like what do they mean by changing right like real change real growth takes time and they don't do it for you they have to do it for themselves and they have you know if it's something that and i'm assuming like this is like a character flaw not like you know the non-negotiables pet peeve like if you're trying to get the if you have a non-negotiable about someone and how they treat you how they talk to you like maybe you're non-negotiable is like i don't want a partner who yells at me

when they get mad you're like screams and this person person does. They're mean. You're just like, that's going to take some real growth in therapy on their part. So like, yeah, there's nothing really you can do time and walking away and meeting someone else. And the thing about that is by the time they've changed, you don't care anymore. Right. You know. So they always come back. As soon as you don't care. Yeah. Which is fine, though, because you don't care. Yeah. And that's actually, people say that is like it's a bad thing. But you only say that after the fact because they come back, because if you don't truly care and you are indifferent, then you see them differently. You're almost like, I remember

really being sad about you. And that is shocking to me right now where I stand. And like, that's a good, that should be a good feeling to realize your worth, you know, it's a, it's a really great feeling. Like water seeks its own level. Yeah. Right? So usually like you step away, you grow and then you get a little bit of a different perspective. Yeah.

It's, we fear change a little bit too much, you know? Totally. That's a good thing. I mean, it's hard to see that in the moment because relationships are an investment, right? So, you know, we give to our partners and we, we, even in the back of my mind, we recognize, well, I'm choosing to be with you, so I'm not getting to meet other people. And I've met your family and all these things. And so when things get bad or rough patch and when we are in situations or relationships

were deep down, we just feel like it's not going the way we want. We know we need them to change to stay in a relationship. We start like thinking about what we invested in the relationship rather than what we have, which doesn't get us anywhere. All it really does is make you stay in a relationship for like an extra 12 months that you could have been moving on to someone else. It just makes you, you know, it's that kind of, what is that bad investment fallacy or whatever, like gamblers thing where you just keep betting to try to get back your losses.

But we, I hear that all the time. So I was like, but we've been together for five years or two years. And I've made that mistake too. It's just like, well, I mean, that does suck. But to your point, like, thing, you're only 27. And like, hopefully we all live under our 100. Yeah. If just plan on living to 100.

Yeah. And then think about how much. much time you have left to live and then think about, is the three years you spent with them that big of a deal? I like that perspective. That's actually a really good takeaway, I think, from this episode. But I think it's hard because especially like late 20s, early 30s, I know for women, like when you feel like you have that extra pressure of the biological clock, even though now you can like put them on ice, you know. But it's a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Totally a thing. I think it's hard. But the sooner it is hard, but, you know, higher, slow, fly, fast, they always say. And the relationship's the same way.

And it does suck. But the sooner you let someone go or deep down you know, if you've accepted to yourself, if you're this person asking this question, well, how do I get them to change? You know you have to leave, you know? And the sooner you come to grips with that and accept and move on, the sooner you are to meet someone else. But sticking it out with them and, you know, forcing them to go. And, you know, forcing them to go to therapy with you. And it's just like, oh, that's not going to work.

You can't force someone to grow. That's true. And I've made all these mistakes that I say is nuts. But, yeah. It reminds me of, speaking of TikTok, it reminds me of a TikTok where I can't,

maybe it's like Will Smith or something talking. It's some like inspirational thing, but he's like, if you hold onto a dead thing, you're going to die with it. Yeah, 100%. And I think so many people hold on to dead relationships. And it just like,

all the time. Kills both. of you. It really does. It's tough. It's a lot of ego too. You know, like you're not, if a relationship ends, you, you didn't fail, you know. I think everybody just has like an inherent fear of dying alone. Dying alone. Yeah, but that's to Will Smith's point if it was Will. Like, it's a great way to die alone is to, you know, your gut or whatever you want to call it, you know, or give in to your ego. Your ego is not interested in you being happy. It is interested in feeling special. It's really,

important to know the difference. Yeah. That's true. And that's where we fall trapped, too, is just constantly seeking out that validation to feel, you know, like, well, I got them to change. You know, they changed for me. Oh, we loved, we love a person who changes for us because then we're special. Savior complex. Yeah. So it's a tricky thing. I like to ask my guests, one thing that we should start doing today and one thing we should stop doing today. Stop asking why at the wrong time. Okay. So I love the word why.

I ask it all the time. You know, why do you feel the way you do? Why did you choose to do this? In dating, we're asking why totally the wrong time. So like when we first started dating, that's when you should ask why. You know, someone says, I love you. People are just like, thanks. Great.

Of course. Of course you love me. I'm special. We should be asking why, but we never do. We just accept people's validation at face value. But see, I feel like that would be such a turnoff if someone said I love you. You're like, why? Listen, I'm not trying to ruin a moment.

Yeah, okay. Fine. Embrace the moment. But like, it's okay early on to say, well, what do you love about me? You know? And I just do is not an acceptable answer. Imagine, someone says, I love you. You're like, thanks.

I love you too. And then maybe a couple days later you ask why. And they say, well, I love that I can be myself around you. And I love that I can tell you my insecurities and you don't make me feel judged for having them. I don't know. It sounds like a nice little moment, you know? And like you can build that trust of like why they feel the way they do about you. Because how many of us have been validated by someone, I really like you, or I love you?

And then two weeks later, they're gone. And they're like, what happened? But you said they love me. And all I'm saying is like, it's okay to check in. And we have to stop asking why when someone doesn't want to be with us anymore. We just have to accept it. And why? Why?

Why? No one's ever convinced someone to stick around after they decide they want to leave. But we constantly will ask why. So what? The person can either lie and let me be like, tell us something that will make us hold on to false hope or have to say something that we'll say, why are you being such an asshole? Yeah.

You know? There's nothing more heartbreaking than someone who doesn't, they want to be with you anymore. I get it, you know, or they left you for someone else or even worse. You know, they don't even know who they want to date. They just don't want to be with you.

And that sucks. But asking why is not getting us anywhere and it will have us hold on to things that we need to let go. So, yeah, I do think people should start asking why more often early in relationships and stop asking why so much when someone's decided they no longer want to invest in them. Great answer. And yeah, I feel like that's information that I would not want to have about myself. If a relationship was over, I wouldn't want to know.

I wouldn't want to, I don't think I would want to hear that. No, but we do. It's like, wow. Yeah. Can we just talk? Can we just talk conversation and the history of dating. Has it ever worked, you know? I don't think so. Not in the moment, maybe down the load after they, they shop around and realize they can't do better, they needed to, like, go on their journey. But like, you didn't convince them. It just got impatient. Amazing. Well, where can everybody find you and listen to your podcast and all of that? Yeah, you can listen to my podcast, the Vial files, wherever you listen to podcast. If you watch this podcast, we also drop it on YouTube, and I'm Nick Viol on Instagram and TikTok. Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Lorry. Thank you.