Well with Arielle Lorre - 168: Questioning Sex & Relationship Rules with Todd Baratz

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

In this episode, I'm talking to Todd Baratz, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex and relationships, and am taking a ton of listener questions around the subjects. From sex on the first date to faking orgasms to gender roles, we hear his thoughts on all the sex & relationship rules. We also talk about the inner makings of relationships; communication around sex, avoidance, attachment, monogamy, expectations, and the biggest mistakes we can make.   Sponsors: Framebridge.com code BLONDE for 15% off Helloned.com/blonde for 15% off Zocdoc.com/blonde to get the app Headspace.com/blonde to get 1 month free   Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hue with Sunny Cars feels as if the children Not me's Beasel stramble Sandvorda Actisvercare Verdwine Vacantcy can chaotic

But who Zorgloose an auto-hurt Says No No Stress No own-vervict Nocted cost Always Follettive So footho-Ur

Sonderger Go to your Reisadviceor Orsoniccccans. The following podcast is A Dear Media Production Hey, welcome to the blonde

podcast. I'm your host Ariel Lori and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits and I'm bringing it to you real and unfiltered. I know there is so much information out there so I'm here to help you navigate it all. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi everybody. Welcome to the show. I have such a good episode for you today. I'm talking to Todd Barron's. He is a certified sex therapist, a licensed individual and couples, psychotherapist, podcast host, and writer who specializes in sex and relationships. So I found him on Instagram a while ago. He posts the most visually appealing, but also very helpful infographics about sex and

relationships and dating and mental health. And when we met in person, I was like, I adore this guy and I want him to be my best friend. So Todd, if you're listening, let's be friends. So something that I really like about Todd is he's not interested in, as he says, formalities, tradition, diagnoses, or labels. In fact, he actively works against any categorical binary of the human condition. You'll hear a lot of that in this episode. Like, we tend to think really black and white, this or that when it comes to this stuff and there's so much nuance. And also, we tend to want to label ourselves and talk about things like attachment styles and, I don't know, like love, of languages and rules. And as he says in this episode, it's very reductive to do so. So I highly,

highly recommend following him on Instagram. He has courses as well. And I think you guys will find this episode really insightful and refreshing. I personally had a few revelations when we were talking about dating and relationship rules and how everything is kind of linked to this anxiety that we all have of being vulnerable and this anxiety that we all have about being alone. So So anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the episode. Welcome, Todd. Hi. Hi.

Thanks for having me. Of course. So happy to have you here. I love following your account. I can't even remember how I came across it, probably just on Explore. You have those very eye-catching visuals. And yeah, I just love it. I love everything that you do.

So I'm very excited to talk today all about relationships and sex and dating and all things, but to start, why don't you just tell everybody a little bit about yourself, who you are, and what you do? Sure. My name is Todd Barrett. I'm a licensed therapist and sex therapist, and I see individual and couples for ongoing therapy. I also create a lot of shit on Instagram. I have an online program that I do, and I write a lot. So I'm doing a lot of stuff. But my main thing is I am a therapist. When did you start your Instagram? Time, I don't understand lately. I think it's been like three or four years, three years ago. It was right after I got out of a relationship I never had an Instagram and I was like, fuck, I'm dating again.

And people are asking for Instagram and I don't have one. So I was like, okay, I'm like, fine. How does that work? Because I've been in a relationship for seven years. So, and I started my Instagram in like 2016. But is that like a prerequisite that you have to have an Instagram when you're dating? Oh, I don't know. I hadn't been single for 10 years.

And I was like, oh my God, how do I do this? So it's like, okay, I get an Instagram, I don't know. But I mean, I think now when you hear that someone doesn't have social media, you're like, oh, wow, good for you. Or like red flag. Yeah, or maybe, maybe. Or like, are you a psycho? I don't know. Or like, how am I going to find information?

Like, Google, here we go. Yeah. Let's do the deep dive. Yeah. But, I mean, I don't think it's a prerequisite. But it certainly, like, feels good to be able to see somebody's life somewhere online. Yeah, for sure. Or that could be red.

like if you're like Googling them and they're like not coming up anywhere, I have no social media like run. Yeah, for sure. Well, I feel like with social media too, when it comes to dating and relationships, like it can be a good thing like that. You can find out more about someone and it can also be so toxic. Like just for my friends who are dating people like when you're seeing somebody's activity and who do they follow and what are they liking and but but but like you can spiral, I feel like. Yeah. I mean, you definitely, people definitely make a lot of assumptions about others based on their virtual presence, wherever it is, which like, you know, I don't think it's wrong, but it's certainly not right. But it can be a challenge because, you know,

someone could see a picture and someone looks a certain way and they can be totally put off by that, but they could be wonderful. And it could just be like one night, I don't know. So, yeah, people are making a lot of assumptions based on what they're seeing on online. And on dating apps, right? Like that, so before I started dating my husband, I did the dating app like very briefly, like maybe six months. And at the time, it was like Bumble and Tinder. That was all there was. But I know there are so many now. And it's just wild to me that like you make a decision on somebody based on like a fraction of a second maybe if that. Well, I want to talk about all of that today. And I think a good place to start. So I was looking through your Instagram and I saw a recent post and it was that love will

trigger you. And I love that because I think we're kind of living in this time where, we're all supposed to be unaffected, right? And be like, so cool. Yeah. I'm affected by like literally waking up. Yeah. What's happening? Like turning on the TV.

Like everything affects us. Exactly. Yeah. So can you talk about that a little bit? Yeah. It kind of goes along what you were saying with people looking at dating apps, like trying to pick one person based on like a fraction of a fraction of a fraction. But so I think people have this idea of relationships that they're going to be this like,

I don't know, someone's going to find this one person. and they're not going to have problems, and they'll never have any issues because of whatever. I don't know, because of the person, because they had a quote-unquote normal childhood or whatever. But love as adults is going, the post says love will trigger you. And it's going to trigger you because every time we interact with a partner over time,

we are going to develop ways of being with them that are very familiar to what we grew up with that maybe we didn't like. And those earlier experiences are going to be triggered by everybody. Whether that's disappointment, you know, we have to learn to be disappointed. Even if we have wonderful relationships with our parents, we still experience disappointment. Our partner is going to disappoint us. And that may trigger us. So everything we do in our relationships in this world is going to trigger us.

But there is this idea out there that we could find a relationship or a person that isn't going to, but everyone is going to be triggered. What are some of the things like you mentioned, you know, the family that we grew up with or things in childhood? what are some of those things that can repeat in later relationships? Like, I know for some people, I know attachment is like a huge thing, right? And people will be like, I'm anxiously attached or like, I'm avoidant. And you kind of like label ourselves as these things. And I think those are some of the common ones. But what are some other things that tend to show up a lot like later on in adulthood?

If you can say like what you see in your practice a lot. Well, I mean, you have to think about where human beings, with one life and we really only have one experience. I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation. So we bring our full selves into each relationship. So, you know, we learn how to do everything. Everything is wrote. So when we get into a relationship, everything we're doing is some kind of a reenactment. It's some kind of a reenactment seeking love, something familiar that we've experienced before in certain ways, whether it's how someone shows love or how they express it. You know, all of this stuff is a reenactment. It's just kind of what we do as human beings, which is another thing that people are

like, I must break patterns. And it's like, hello, we're like humans. All we do is we recreate patterns. Like patterns aren't a bad thing, nor is being triggered. I think the bad, not I say a bad thing, but the challenge becomes when we don't understand why we're doing these, what we do. And it's all impulse and we have absolutely no awareness about what we're reenacting or recreating and our adult relationships that really resemble what we experienced when we were younger. And that's because the really only the only two relationships, the parallel are the ones with our original caregivers, or our parents or whoever raised us, and our adult partners. You know, they're the central relationships, and so therefore we're going to repeat some of these patterns. And it will bring up

similar anxieties that we had when we're younger. A lot of people are saying, you know, this is attachment and attachment styles and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's related to attachment. I think it's too reduced online when people are like, I'm avoidant and my partner is anxious. And how do we, you know, it's not like a one plus three equals four kind of situation that this is a multi-layered experience. I have to tell you guys about an amazing new service I have found called Framebridge. Framebridge makes it super easy and affordable to frame all your favorite things from art prints and posters to the travel photos sitting on your phone. And with Mother's Day around the corner, Framebridge also makes the perfect gift. In fact, select gifts ship next day.

So I have been designing a new space that you guys will probably see soon and I have been using Framebridge. I can't wait to show you guys. But a couple of my favorites that you should definitely check out are the Richmond and the Georgetown. So those are like these really nice antique gold frames. I also love the Olympia. It's gold with black sides. And then the Mercer, which is just a really clean black frame. And I love all of them together for like a nice photo wall.

It looks so amazing. The process is also. super simple. So you just go to framebridge.com and upload your photo or they'll send you packaging to safely mail in your physical pieces. And then you preview your item online in dozens of frame styles and gallery wall layouts. And you can choose your favorite or get free recommendations from their designers. And this is so helpful because for me, like I have no clue where to start. So it's nice to have that input from the professionals and the experts at Framebridge will custom frame your item and deliver your finished piece directly to your door ready to hang.

So instead of the hundreds you'd pay at a framing store, their prices start at $39. And all shipping is free. Plus, my listeners will get 15% off their first order at framebridge.com if they use my code, blonde. Again, like I mentioned before, it's such a good gift for Mother's Day, but also a great gift for yourself. So if you guys want to get started, you just go to framebridge.com and use the promo code, blonde to save an additional 15% off your first order. Again, that's framebridge.com, and the code is blonde, B-L-O-N-D-E. I talk about this all the time, but good sleep is truly the foundation upon which my life is built.

I am a big believer that a good nighttime routine is more important than any other routines, because without solid sleep and rest, we just can't be our best selves. I like to track my sleep with trackers occasionally, like my aura ring, to see where I am with things. because for me it's never really about quantity that's an issue, but it's the quality, meaning like time spent in REM and deep sleep and how my sleep cycles are. So true story, I was seriously struggling in this department for a while there due to stress and anxiety and just life stuff. But this particular combo was a game changer. Okay. So you know I love my Ned mellow magnesium. I've been taking it for over a year nightly and it helps so much with things like relaxation, anxiety. and muscle recovery. But Ned also just came out with an updated iteration of their sleep oil, and it is so good. And this combo is like, wow. So you can get these two together in Ned's new dream set. So like I said, it's the sleep blend, which has CBN, which is a powerful cannabinoid that promotes sleep, 750 milligrams of USDA certified organic CBD, yes, organic, and 24% more organic

and wildcrafted botanicals than the previous formulation. And then it also has the magnesium, which is a powerful daily magnesium supplement with amino acids and trace minerals that propel memory, mood, brain function, stress response, nerve and muscle health, and yes, sleep. So if you'd like to conquer sleep with Ned's dream set, you guys can get 15% off with the code blonde. All you have to do is go to hello ned.com slash blonde or enter the code blonde. Or enter the code blonde at checkout. That's H-E-L-L-O-N-E-D.com slash blonde, B-L-O-N-D-E, to get 15% off. Hi, I'm Caroline Stamberry, and I am divorced, not dead. Fresh off the back of my divorce, I'm bringing real stories, real life, real talk on all things that aren't said. Why do we put

so much pressure on ourselves for the happily ever after? Does our love story really have to be one great lengthy novel? Or can we be happy with a book of show? short but exciting love stories. I guess we'll find out on divorce not dead. And lucky me, you'll be joining me for the journey. So buckle up. I have a kind of follow up question to that. So I've had other experts in this field on here before where they've talked about this and how we kind of re like subconsciously recreate these relationships that we grew up with. And I think that's so interesting because I think that it's a little bit counterintuitive. You would think that you would try to find the opposite if that was like a painful relationship.

But we, but we kind of, yeah, we recreate them, right? Like without even realizing it. And I know I've had so many moments where I've been like, holy shit, I married my mother. And then other moments where I'm like, holy shit, I married my father. Even though I thought maybe I was choosing someone very different initially, if that makes sense. Yeah. And it's not a bad thing. And it's not like you married your mother or your father, but you are, you have created

a relationship where you're pulling out similar reactions, where you're reacting in similar ways, where you're seeking things in similar ways. And so it feels similar. Right. So it's not all him. It's me also. Yeah, it feels similar. But it doesn't mean it is similar. Just like these patterns, they may feel similar and they may be reenactments in one way, but they're not. You know, they're different. And that's where our way of developing self-awareness comes in, where we can understand that they're bringing up feelings, triggers, et cetera, that feels like our parent is in the room. And we can try to understand what that means to us and how that feels and then maybe choose something different with our adult partners. But getting back to what I're saying about reducing relationships,

I think all of this stuff is okay, just to anybody's listening, that, you know, this is kind of just what we do. It's kind of like waking up in the morning. We'll recreate patterns. We will reenact it. You know, we will get triggered. Things will be upsetting in relationships because relationships are hard and they bring up the stuff for everybody and it's just it's going to happen. Yeah, I think it's like something that people really try to repress though in themselves. Like if you're dating somebody new or in a new relationship or in a relationship that you've been in for a while, like back to the original thing, like love will trigger you. I feel like people feel like there's something wrong with them and that their partner is

not going to want that, especially with like new dating. Like you have to be so cool. You can't act interested. You can't have any emotions. you can't have any attachment and it just feels like that's so unnatural. Like how can you not have emotions and feelings around that? Yeah, it's too reduced. And I think a lot of people will take those feelings and think that something's wrong.

Like with them or their partner or their relationship. And I write about this a lot on Instagram and talk about this a lot with my clients about expectations and all of these myths about relationships that, you know, they should be one certain way when like you will for sure, even with like a healthy relationship, have periods where it may feel. unhealthy because we're all just a little bit unhealthy and because we come from a place where none of us really learned how to do relationships. It just kind of was based on impulse and observation. It wasn't like we had like relational 101. We had like algebra and chemistry, which I have no fucking idea how to do. So we don't really know what we're doing. So we're all going to have

challenges and those challenges are very normal. Can we talk a little bit more about attachment just because I know that it is such like a, I don't know if it's trendy, but I feel like everybody that I know is like, have you read? What's the book? Everyone has told me to read this book. Yeah. And they're like, what's your attachment style? Like, what's your, like when we're hiking, you know, it's so funny.

Such an L.A. like caricature. Well, it's a great conversation to have. Yeah. It's just become so black and white. Right. And so reductive and I don't know. So what are the main attachment styles? I mean, I'm not an attachment specialist, so I'm probably not the best person to talk about and define all of the attachment styles.

I mean, we could, but it's just not my thing. I think what's more helpful to think about is, again, the story that it plays in our lives, instead of categorizing who we are based on a label of anxious avoidant or secure and insecure. Because I think, you know, we attachment styles assume that we should have a secure attachment. Right? That health is the baseline for how we should be evaluating our lives. When the reality is that we live in a world that's fucked up, we often come from families where there is trauma, abuse, et cetera. And so like how can we assume in a place that provides no education, no help, no support,

that we should be healthy or that we should have secure attachments? So I think there's a lot more that goes into attachment styles that I'm, you know, if you grow up in a place where you experience trauma, you know, regardless of financial status, you know, but no one helps you, and you have an insecure or an anxious attachment, you know, what is the challenge here? Is the challenge to the environment where nobody helped you? Is it the family relationships? Or is it the lack of learning or help or therapy that you've never got until you were 40

or in your 30? So it's super complicated. And that's why, you know, I think when it comes to these labels about can it work with somebody who's avoidant and anxious? And it's like, I mean, those are. a lot to the story. Contact, yeah. Yeah, like, who are you? Where did you come from? Do you want to be with somebody who's like that? Can you tolerate that? And it also assumes that we shouldn't be anxious. And that's what I was saying a lot with the love will trigger you is that love is insecure,

fundamentally as adults. With our parents, it should be, it should be unconditional. They should love us. It should be, but we want it to be. Oftentimes, it's not. But with our adult partners, it's insecure. They can leave. The relationship can end. It's a fantasy to think that you could have this secure connection and you could just fuck off and your partner is just going to be like, I love you so much. I'm never leaving you. It's really fragile. Love is fragile. So I, that's where I like to bring the conversation instead of attachment because again, it kind of original attachment research doesn't do this, but this kind of modern trend around attachment really does reduce it to this kind of thing where we're like everyone's seeking this secure

attachment and I'm not saying don't, but that idea that most people are seeking is that reduction of love and relationships that have few challenge and no conflict and they're not triggered and they don't get anxious. When I think a lot of these things are very normal being triggered, getting anxious. Yeah, for sure. Worrying about a relationship. Yeah, I never really thought about it in that sense. Like there are so many variables that contribute to your attachment style.

And it's like, I keep thinking of like expectations. people just expecting that everybody is going to not be anxious and then like having expectations about what their relationship is going to look like and how their partner is going to respond. Which is anxiety. Everybody is expecting not to be anxious, but they're anxious already. Yeah. Which is the funny thing. It's like all these roles about relationships are really anxiety about getting hurt.

Right. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to feel pain. So like the best partner, the most secure relationship, blah, blah, blah. But that's just anxiety and unconscious expression of anxiety. Everyone's freaked out about relationships. I just had a lightballed moment. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I've never thought about it that way. But yeah, the rules, like, and we'll get into some of these, but like, don't sleep with someone on the first day. Wait until the third day. Wait into the, everything. Gender anxiety. It's like how to get them not to leave.

Right. Right. Right. It's all anxiety. Yeah. Or how to find someone who won't hurt you. Right. And it's not to say that like when I have this conversation, if I post something like this

on Instagram or whatever, people are like, well, what about this? It's not to say that like, don't ever have any rules. or like I often say like fuck red flags. Like I'm not saying don't ignore red flags. Yeah. But like don't invest in this fantasy of like happily ever after. Sorry. Right.

Without like also putting in a lot of work to understand yourself and your partner and to really not buy into this fantasy that you're not going to experience challenges. Right. Do you think obviously as a therapist like you're a proponent of therapy? Do you think everybody should do it from the beginning? Yeah. I mean, I'm. biased. I really do. We're something. Some people just genuine, like, you know, I also have to respect

the people, some people don't like therapy. But so there are books. I think there are kind of more formalized versions of maybe like an education that people could get, um, relational, social, whatever, because many people need a social education. Um, uh, but yeah, I mean, I do. But I'm, I'm biased and whatever. I've been in therapy since I was tiny. Same. Same. And it's been helpful. And I don't. I can't imagine. Like, I see a lot of people who are in their 30s and they're like, I never did and or I bounced around. And it's hard. It's like really hard to find a good therapist. But I can't imagine like not having the knowledge I have and having to deal with my craziness without it. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. I'm literally losing my mind. I'm losing my now and I know myself. Like I can't

imagine. Yeah. I feel like the same thing kind of applies for couples therapy too. Like I think People assume that it's something that you do if you're in trouble. Right. But I feel like it, I don't know, like I feel like it's, it kind of smoothed over so much of the communication issues. Like my husband and I started doing it last year. That's great. And it was so helpful, things that we could not talk about. That's awesome.

Because we're both, not to label ourselves, but we're both kind of avoidant. We'll just like sweep it under the rug, do-to-do, like go on with our busy lives. And I was like, oh, yeah, I could, like, this would be so helpful, not maybe from the very beginning of a relationship, but, like, if you're committed, if you're, you know, in it for the long run, like, I think it's such a helpful tool. For sure. Like, again, any kind of learning, like, there are so many books written for couples, like, that are actually really helpful. Like, Google. Like, we're living in time where we have access to really great information. And it's interesting how many people aren't accessing just stuff about. like how to get along better, how to get through conflict, or like saying, okay, like, let's talk about how we navigate conflict at the beginning of the relationship. Yeah. Like, as if that's never going to come up. Yeah, like you just wait until you're in fucking crisis. Yeah. And wanting to like murder each other or not speaking, which is often what couples come into me

and they're just like fighting. And I'm like, okay, that's what happens. People go to therapy when they're really, really depressed or in a relationship and they're in major crisis. Nobody knows what you're looking for in a doctor better than you, and nobody is better at giving you the tools to find the perfect doctor than Zoc Doc. The people who created Zoc Doc found the major pain points in healthcare, all the things that weren't working and said enough. And they made booking a great doctor surprisingly pain free. It can be so hard to find a good doctor, especially one that takes your insurance. I have so much trouble with this in L.A., like navigating who is reputable and who is not. and I have found some of my absolute favorite specialists on ZocDoc.

So ZocDoc is a free app that shows you doctors who are patient reviewed, which is also super helpful, who take your insurance and are available when you need them. Also huge. You can read up on local doctors, get verified patient reviews, and see what other real humans had to say about their visit. So when you walk into that doctor's office, you're set up to see somebody in your network who gets you. You can go to Zocdoc.com, choose a time.

slot and whether you want to see the doctor in person or do a video visit. And just like that, you are booked. So you can find the doctor that is the right fit for you and book an appointment that works for your schedule. Every month, millions of people use ZocDoc, and I am one of them. It is my go-toe whenever I need to find and book a doctor. So go to Zocdoc.com slash blonde and download the Zocdoc app for free. And then you can start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are even available within 24 hours. Again, that's doc.com slash blonde, Z-O-C-D-O-C-com slash blonde. How are you today really? I want you guys to think about it, really take a minute and try to identify what it is that you're feeling if you're feeling hyper or tired or annoyed

or just kind of me. It might be time to connect with your feelings by starting your mental health journey with meditation, specifically with Headspace. I think so many of us say that we're fine when we don't mean it. And fine isn't really even an emotion. I think we've probably all said that we were fine when really we were feeling anger or sadness or nerves or anything kind of unpleasant. So Headspace is scientifically proven to help you manage your feelings and your mental health. In fact, a recent study proved in just two weeks, headspace can reduce your stress by 14%. So whether you want to relieve stress and anxiety, sleep better or improve your focus, headspace is your everyday dose of mindfulness for real life. And I still use it all the time when I need to do like spot check

meditations or sleep meditations. They have such a great library to choose from. So why don't we do one now? So sitting comfortably, just taking a big deep. breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth. As you breathe in, noticing how the body expands, and as you breathe out, just watching the body soften as you gently close the eyes. And rather than the mind leading the breath, allow the breath to lead the mind. Notice the sensation of the breath. Notice where you feel it in the body. If you need to, you need to. You know, you need to you can just gently place your hand on the stomach and just following that rising and falling sensation. Nothing else to do, allowing thoughts to come and go.

And then when you're ready, just gently opening the eyes again. I definitely feel so much better and I hope you guys do too. So if you want to keep going with your meditation journey or just try something new, you can try headspace at headspace.com slash blonde and you will get one month free of their entire mindfulness library. This is the best headspace offer available. So go to headspace.com slash blonde today. Again, that's headspace.com slash blonde. What are some of the biggest mistakes that you think people make either like in dating or relationships in general?

The biggest mistakes. not learning, not being curious about themselves or their partners. Because the more we know about ourselves, the more we know about our partners, the better we can really understand what makes ourselves and our partners tick. And so we don't push buttons and we don't get our buttons pushed as much or, you know, just a lack of effort. And that sounds so, like, simple. But it's like a little bit of effort really goes a long way.

And a lot of people aren't really putting effort. Like they're doing the kind of buying gifts thing or going on vacations thing. or cooking meals or doing things like that, which is wonderful, but also learning about and being curious about where we learned how to love and why we seek love the way we do and why we get pissed off at things if they're really like not that big of a deal, that they're a big deal to plus, blah, blah, blah, blah. So curiosity and creativity, people are not creative about how they connect,

how they ask questions about their partner and themselves too. So, and then I wouldn't say it's a mistake. I would just say, again, it just comes from where I think we've been. I think now we're maybe moving in a direction that's maybe too much. But still, people are not putting an effort. What do you mean, like moving in a direction that's too much? That's what I was saying about the relational anxiety part, that we're really kind of now overdoing it, where we're, I think, culturally came from a place where we didn't acknowledge trauma.

We swore everything was swiped under the, swiped. Swipped. Swepped. Oh, my God. What's wrong? Early? Yeah, I guess. I've had coffee.

Everything is swept under the rug. Like, we ignored everything, denied pain, whatever. And now, like, everything is about trauma. Everything is about this. For some people. But I think the majority of people are still... I don't want to talk about that. Yeah.

Kind of thing. Yeah, because it's uncomfortable, right? Yeah. Like, avoid discomfort. Which, like, isn't bad, first of all. Like, I think avoidance is actually. actually really helpful sometimes. You know, you don't not have to be in a constant state of processing conflict or processing. Like, that's just exhausting. We don't get into relationships to process. We want to have

fun. So, like, it's helpful to tolerate conflict and be like, let's just not get into it. But resolving what can't be resolved is helpful. I'm thinking of some of the rules and, like, dating advice that people sent in for us to talk about. One of the things, I just thought of it when you said, you know, it's okay to just not want to talk about it in that moment or whatever. One of the rules people asked about was never going to bed angry. It's funny that people are still like clinging on to this. I know. Which like, doesn't sound terrible, but it's like literally the dumbest thing ever. Because it's like, I don't know, would you stay up if you were by yourself and feeling sad? You're like, I have to stay up until I'm happy. No, you'd be like, fuck this. I'm going to bed.

Yeah. Right. Tomorrow will be a better day, hopefully. I know. And it's the same thing in a relationship. Like, if you're pissed off, like, the worst idea. The worst thing is to like make your, one, you're tired. So like you're over it already. Yeah. Physically. Two, like, again, you're tired so you can't have a conversation. And three, you probably don't need to.

Like just tolerate anger. The real question is like, why can't we just tolerate being angry? Why can't we have more patience? Which is what I was saying about the avoidance thing is that, you know, sometimes we have to. We can't solve every conflict. I mean, I have clients that stay up to like two in the morning trying to. I'm like, what are you doing? I have friends like that.

It'll be there in the morning if you need to. I know. I'm like, are people afraid there are significant others going to die? That's like I think where it comes from. It's like this fear that someone's going to go to bed and they're going to die and they'll die having been in an argument and like, I don't know. It seems pretty crazy. Back to that anxiety.

Yeah. Okay, we kind of mentioned this one earlier, but don't have sex on the first date. What do you think? Sex in the first date? Or what do you do? If you want to say it, you don't have to. It's not a test. It's a personal preference.

I know. I did second with my husband. So I wasn't like playing by any rule, but it was like dinner and then next date. Yeah. Fun. I don't. I think like back to what you were saying before, when I had that revelation, like that rule is kind of about anxiety. Like you don't want to like give it away too soon.

You got to like act mysterious or whatever. I don't know. I think if it feels right, do it. Yeah, it's about anxiety. It's so wrapped up in gender dynamics and all of us other bullshit. And I think it's super sex negative to make an assumption that the timing of sex would have a way of either developing or fucking up a connection. And the reality is if you're a sexual person and you're dating for a monogamous relationship or non-monogamous relationship, sex is part of it. So like, talk about sex from date one. I think the sooner you have sex, the better. but it's easy to say, but hard for people who don't feel comfortable sex. So, like, you have to just make up your own role about what feels best for you, but don't

believe in any sort of, like, better outcome based on the timing of sex because that doesn't exist. Right. And if it's, like, the right person, they're not going to have sex with you and then go, oh, you know what? First date, I'm out. Right. Then you're like, okay, got it. Now I know. Like, you're an asshole. Can we talk about that gender portion of it, though, a little bit? I mean, I think one of the assumptions that people, actually, I don't think anyone sent this in, but this is so common. It's like that women with hormones, you know, different hormones are going to get attached differently than men or, I mean, is there a validity in that? I think it's a bunch of things. One, I think it's

about attachment and what you're describing in terms of there's the stereotype that women attach faster through sex than men, which is not true. There's also the slut-shaming component in it, the sex negative aspects that women are just historically never been able to own their sexuality to the point where, you know, I think people assume that only men want non-monogamy and women just want monogamy and, etc., which is not true. So it's based on, you know, there's so many different things here where if there's so many women who think that if they have sex with a man on the first date and they give it a way that they'll lose interest, and that that's all men want is sex, which isn't true. You know, the list goes on and on and on. But there's no kind of general.

specific expression of sexuality. There's no gender specific expression of attachment. Many of the things that we think are gender specific or cultural specific and kind of toxic and really actually unhelpful for relationships because nobody wins when we're playing by these rules. So we really want to let go of them and just focus less on, I'm doing this because I'm a woman and man and more because this is what feels comfortable to me and this is what feels safe to me. But sex and relationships are so steeped in a gender binary that's really just fucking oppressive for everybody because, you know, it basically says to women, you can't be sexual. You can't be sexual because your sexuality could create problems. Right.

Right. And that's fucked. Yeah. Because that's not true. Yeah. And women like sex. Yeah. All gender people like sex.

Right. And many people get really uncomfortable and feel too vulnerable, men and women. Yeah. I was going to say, so does that mean, like, based on that assumption, if it were not like a man and a woman, if it were two men or whatever, like, they're not going to get attached ever? Like, that doesn't make sense. Right. And the thing when it comes, especially for so two gay cis men, you know, the idea with gay relationships, you have to have sex right away. And it's, you know, again, this is cultural. And I see a lot of queer people and they're like, well, I don't really feel comfortable having sex right away. And I'm like, well, then you don't have to have sex right away. But there's a lot of pressure. So depending on, you know, geography, culture, et cetera, your experience of your gender identity is going to impact how you feel free to express yourself sexually, blah, blah, blah. So fuck whenever you want to just have fun and feel safe and comfy and be open about that.

I want to talk a little bit about casual sex since we're on this topic. Is casual sex possible, I guess? I guess it is But like sometimes I feel like Casual sex without forming an attachment Yeah like somebody is going to catch feelings And it's going to end up I don't know

I guess it depends on the people Yeah I mean it depends on the person But many people have casual sex Or it's funny that like even casual sex It's just kind of funny Like what the fuck is formal sex But like no strings attached Or like one night stands

And all that stuff that falls under casual sex Many people have casual sex and they don't get attached. You know, it really depends on the context and the person and all of that stuff. Okay, we talked about this a little bit, never making the first move and playing hard to get. But we back on that one thing. So with the casual sex and the attachment, it's not a bad thing. Like, I think people are, again, this is the anxiety. It's like, okay, I don't have casual sex because I'll get attached because I shouldn't get attached if the other person isn't attached.

But I'll have casual sex if I get attached and they get attached, that's okay. You know, we're kind of like putting this attachment and sex into these. categories where it's like only okay if it's reciprocal and if it's bad like we if it's not if it's not mutual it's bad and we should never do it. The reality is like we could date somebody not have sex with them and it wouldn't can it can end up not being mutual or it could be and not reciprocal and it will hurt. So like all this stuff like it doesn't it's not it doesn't work um to protect us from feeling pain and it's also not a bad thing to get attached like so what you get attached to somebody that you have sex with yeah not everything has to you have to.

to lead to this kind of together forever, happily ever after. But if you don't have casual sex, don't have casual sex. So interesting, though, like when you really peel back the layers, it's all that, like, avoidance of pain and, like, anxiety of avoidance of pain. Yeah, who wants to feel pain? It's just, like, it's accurate. And I think we should, but we should also be aware when we're, like, really pressuring ourselves to follow these rules when they're just kind of, kind of

bullshit. Yeah. Okay. Never making the first move in playing hard to get. I guess that's kind of like same thing. Just that game. Oh, it's so bad. I mean, I don't know.

If someone's, I mean, I know a lot of people play hard to get and there, or if like someone had I've done this before, if I'm waiting for somebody to text me back and they took fucking forever, I'm going to be like, well, I'm not going to text them back right away. But then I'm like, wait a minute. I just fucking text them like, don't do this. It's just not helpful. If you like somebody, you just want to be as direct as you fucking can be because, and if they can't be, then that's important.

information you need to know. Right. And it's better to know it early on. Yeah, you don't, no one wants to get into a relationship where it's like so uncomfortable that you're literally waiting to respond to a text message. That's just not, that's not fun. Like, that's not, that's not safe. So yeah. And it's not saying the other person is bad. It's just to say, you know, you want to, if you want to create a connection with somebody and you want that connection to grow, you have to be vulnerable. And so don't fucking play hard to get it. Love that. Okay. What about your partner being your best friend. That's cute.

You like that? What about that? No, no. I feel like there are different camps of people. Some say your partner should be your best friend. Other people say, no, that's putting too much expectation on them. You can't get everything from one person. Best friend, like, we do absolutely everything together and we never leave each other's

side or just like best friend like you're my best friend and I'm still going to go hang out with other people, but they're still my best friend kind of thing. Yeah, I guess there's probably different levels of best friendness. Yeah. I mean, obviously you want that person to be like the closest person, right? Yeah. I think that's cute. I don't think it's a necessity. I do think that it can be a lot of pressure. I mean, some people are spending all that time with their partners and they're not best friends. Yeah. They're just codependent, which, you know, if that works for them, I'm not going to say it's wrong because it's codependent, which has become such an ugly word. But I think that's wonderful. Okay. You support that. I mean, I also think, though, that people should have other friends because it's too much pressure for a relationship.

I think people should have things separate from their partners. They should be able to be independent from their partners. But an important part of a relationship is having a friendship. For sure. Yes. And a good one. That's how I feel. Yeah. I feel like, yes, they should be, like, quote-unquote, best friend, but then you should also have other good friends and a life outside of that relationship. Like, balance.

Yeah. It's all about balance. I do think, though, that a lot of people, back to the expectation thing, like, they expect to get everything from their partner. And I feel like that is probably, like, a little bit problematic. I mean, I've had moments where I've had to be like, what are the important things to me? Like, I'm not going to get everything from one person, and I think I'm realistic about that. But, like, I've had to evaluate. Am I getting the things that are important to me?

I don't know if that's the right way to do it. No, that's the right way to do it. Okay, good. I would say, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and this isn't the reenactment stuff, right? Because we needed to get everything from our parents, kind of. And, you know, no parent can give us everything.

So most parents will fuck up a little bit and how they repair the fuck up, et cetera. But so when we're adults in our relationships, you know, I think the experience is I want to get everything. But it's just, you know, we can't apply that same lens. We can't get everything from a partner. I did that in my past relationship. It was just too much pressure. Yeah. Okay.

How about this concept that if they wanted to, they would? Hmm. I mean, I think yes and no. Some people want to and can't. Sometimes it's about capacity. Like they literally can't. Kind of like speaking a language. Somebody, you know, I mean, I see a lot of people that are like

that have that if they wanted to, they would. But there's a big story about why people behave the way they do. And sometimes it's not congruent. Our behavior is not congruent with what we think or feel, which I know I do all the time, where I may want to do something and I may be recoil or I'm scared and I don't do it. So people are really resistant. And I'm not saying you should accept or tolerate. I'm not not saying that, but it's a much more complicated thing. But if it goes on and on and on and you're expecting someone to do something and they're not, then you have to except the fact that they're just simply not going to do that for you.

Yeah, the theme that I'm seeing is that so many of these rules make things black and white, and it's like so much more nuanced than that. It is. Yeah. Okay, this is an interesting one. Once a cheater, always a cheater. No. No?

No. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and a lot of people cheat. I think this is something that people really think that it never happens. but if you think about somebody in your life or your life, you probably know somebody that's cheated. You may have known, we all know people that have cheated. We've all maybe been in relationships where there's been infidelity. It's pretty common.

I'm not saying everybody cheats, but it's common. But, no, people cheat for all sorts of different reasons. Maybe the relationship is not great. Maybe the relationship is great. And they just, you know, are looking to feel alive in one way or another. But I don't think that's necessarily the case. because there are contexts where people cheat in relationships that they're trying to get out of. Yeah, isn't the saying like men cheat, you know, straight men, I would assume it applies to this saying men cheat because they want to stay in a relationship,

women cheat because they want to leave a relationship or get out of a relationship. I mean, it could be true for some people. But no, I mean, this comes from, you know, this is historical. in terms of how we viewed infidelity and immoralized it, and we kind of stamp somebody as a cheater as bad and kind of like unethical and et cetera. And if someone does this kind of one bad, immoral, unethical thing, we kind of assume that that's just part of their character

when, you know, that's not necessarily the case. It's interesting, though, that you say, like, somebody might cheat even if their relationship is good because I think if you thought of infidelity, you would think it's because their relationship, that they're in, like their primary relationship that they're straying from is deficient in some way. But sometimes it is. Sometimes it is. But again, there's no rule here. Many people cheat because, you know, they're perfectly happy in a relationship, but they meet somebody and they get excited by them

and they hook up with them. And that doesn't necessarily connect to a lack of love for their partner or a desire to end the relationship. It connects to a moment where they expressed a part of themselves that they hadn't and what that moment meant to them. But that doesn't negate the feelings they have for their partner. And some people feel terrible and extremely remorseful and just want to do everything to make it work and they do. And other people are like, well, not so much.

You know, you did this and you made me and you and that's usually not going to work. Well, I guess maybe we can talk a little bit about monogynum. I feel like monogamy isn't quite what it was. I feel like people are more open to different kinds of relationships now. And then of course there's like the life expectancy aspect to it, which I find really interesting. Like, oh, people are living to 100 or older? Are they getting married at 25 and they're married to that person for, you know? Many years. Yeah, like, I mean, that's crazy. What are your thoughts on monogamy? Um, I don't know. I feel like my answers are so nonspecific and big, but I don't know. I mean, I, my relationship was monogamous. We were non-monogamous for a period of time. Then we closed the relationship. There was infidelity in the relationship. Does this mean it was a good or bad relationship? No, I'm not evaluating. I'm just saying, you know, this is what I did? And I then have to think about, okay, my next relationship, what do I want? You know, do I want a relationship that's monogamous? Do I want something, you know? And I think, you know, and I think I think it's really a personal preference. I think there is a lot of pressure that's put on monogamy, and monogamy can veer into this kind of toxic place, you know, where our partners can't fantasize but other people, where people get really anxious about how often their partner may jerk off

or stuff like that. But it's kind of like, you know, choosing your diet. I don't know. I mean, people really need to be mindful and intentional about this stuff. And there's all sorts of rules about, you know, jealousy and, well, I can't be in a non-monogamous relationship because I'm too jealous. It's like a possessive thing. Yeah, is it just like, are you never jealous because you're in a monogamous relationship? Because the answer to that is no. I mean, everyone's jealous. There are structures to all relationships that can be healthy and satisfying. I think just the traditional normie relationship that's been monogamous, cishead relationship that's together forever has just persisted for so long that that's the assumption is monogamy. So now people are

exploring a variety of different relationship structures. I see that is a good thing. I mean, people can think a lot broader about how they express their sexuality with one person or more. So I think that's a good thing. Okay. Last question. That's one I got from a lot of people. But faking an orgasm is never okay.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, the question, why are you faking in the orgasm? I don't want to say something that's never. okay, but you know, maybe you talk to your partner about what you may want, what might feel good. Or maybe you give yourself an orgasm. Yeah. You say, you know, please just like kiss me. I'm going to get myself off.

Something that focuses is how do you turn yourself on? How do you get yourself off? Or how do you instruct your partner to? Or how do you say, it's okay, I don't need to get off today. But there's a lot more that goes into the idea of faking an orgasm. But if you want to fake an orgasm, like go forth. to like talk about sex with your partner. Yeah.

I feel like that's such a hard conversation for people. How to? Just talking to their partner about sex. And I've heard you, I heard you in another podcast, I think, where you were like, if you don't do it from the beginning, then yeah, it's going to be hard. It feels like aliens. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard.

But the sooner you start talking about sex with your partner, the better. And it's like out of all the people you want to talk about sex with, like, your partner partner is like the one you want to talk about sex with. And the thing with that. is that it feels really uncomfortable from the beginning. But once you start, it's really fun and it's not as uncomfortable. But you have to start. And it can be really connective and it can be a really big source of intimacy and love when your partner knows exactly what to do to get you off and you know exactly what to do to get them off. And you can laugh and have fun. That's a big deal.

Yeah, and I feel like that's such an important component down the road in the relationship, if it is a longer relationship, because everybody's main question that I got. by the way, is what do you do when the desire is gone? How do you keep the desire alive? Because eventually that high goes away. It goes away. Yeah. So you're going to need some of that foundational stuff once you get to that point.

Yeah. And that's what I was saying about creativity, especially with sex. You have to be creative. Okay. I like to ask my guests, one thing we should stop doing and one thing we should start doing. And I'm saying these things and I do them and I'm not. I'm just trying. And I'm trying to stop. But we have to stop over-analyzing our relationships and stop reducing.

And we really have to live in the gray and find the complexity and really appreciate that. And that's hard. So less anxiety and more just staying in the president, seeing how that unfolds. Love it. Well, where can everybody find you? I think you're not taking new clients right now, but you have horses. Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at Your Diagnonsense. I'm not taking on clients. That's correct. But I have online program. It's like a coaching program, my monthly session, so we could chat there. Or that's it. That's the places you can find me.

Thank you so much. Yeah, thanks for having. Even though, you know, I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm like, wow, this stuff, like I never even thought of that stuff before. Great. All comes down to anxiety. Yeah, it's a lot of anxiety. And I'm an anxious person, so. Same.

Everyone's anxious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe some people just don't really. I don't know it. Yep. Wow. Mind blend. Okay. Thank you, Tom. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode there. or over on my personal page at Ariel Laurie.