Well with Arielle Lorre - 17: PAUL FISHMAN - Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone with Self Love

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

In this episode Arielle talks to Self Love coach and "You Do You Activist" Paul Fishman about how to go from surviving to thriving; learning to love ourselves and accept love from others; working through fear; ditching negative self talk; the importance of taking accountability for our lives; finding joy in the present moment; and struggling with feelings of confidence and worthiness. Paul encourages all of us to love ourselves and our individuality in this era of being a "compare-dashian." You will LOVE this conversation!   Follow Paul on Instagram: www.instagram.com/paulfishman Visit Paul's Website here: www.paulstrategy.com Follow Arielle on Instagram: www.instagram.com/ariellelorreSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You're listening to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry. Today, my guest is Paul Fishman. Paul is a self-love coach and you-do-you activist who is on a mission to empower and inspire humanity to love unconditionally. Through the creation of his community, self-love on demand, and his highly rated podcast, The Road to Self-Love, Paul has inspired thousands of people just like you to look inward for what matters most. and his highly rated podcast, The Road to Self Love, Paul has inspired thousands of people just like you to look inward for what matters most. I have to say if you're not following Paul on Instagram, run, don't walk. I guess that doesn't apply here, but you know what I mean. Go follow him. He is such a joy, such a light, and he brings that joy and light to this conversation. and I just really think everybody could benefit from hearing this and applying what he talks about. And if you want to dive deeper and work with him, just go to his website.

It's in the description or you can find it on his Instagram. And I hope you guys love this combo. All right. So I have Paul Fishman here. Welcome, Paul. Thank you so much. I made it through the wilderness. Yes, quite the journey.

Quite the journey to be here. But I'm really excited. I'm so grateful that you're here. You are a self-love coach and a you-do-you activist, right? That is my favorite thing. I was like, that is genius. Because it just perfectly sums it up. Like, just you-do-you.

Yeah. Love it. You got to do it. So before we kind of get into your journey and talk about self-love and all of the things, what does self-love mean to you? Let's kind of get that out there. Let's get it out there. Let's get into the universe. So for me, outside of the really key to unlocking my truth, self-love at its core is defined as, it's two words, really, that can be combined with a hyphen bug to keep them separate.

Self means the individual, and love is devotion. So self-love is getting devoted to your individuality as a human, like you as you are. You know, who am I, Paul Fishman? You know, once I got to the bottom of that, and which we'll talk about, is when I realized that I have to love that person, not the person that other people want me to be, not the person that my parents were dreaming of me growing up to be, like, that's, that's not me. So really, just to hitch it to your core listeners right here and now, like, who are you as an individual?

And can you love that person? And how will you love that person? And when are, will you be ready to love that person? That's what self-love is. I love that. That's amazing. I'm looking at Kennedy. She's melting right now.

I'm literally melting. I love you. There she is. On the mic. Second time in like two minutes. I feel so loud right now. Please feel more loved. I love that though because it's really, it's just, it's, it strips away all like the

bullshit, right? Not who you're trying to be, not who you want to be, but who you are. Yeah. Lots of comparison going on these days. You know, we're all walking down the streets being our best Comparadashian. It's not a cute look. Comparadashian. Oh, my God.

I can't look at Kennedy this whole time because she is like losing it. She's losing it. Just wait. I've got lots of gems. Oh, my God. We should. Okay. Well, never meant.

Turn my mic off maybe. No, no. We'll leave it on. Yeah, no. Love the positive. and yeah, okay. So I want to rewind and talk about how you even got here. I find that a lot of people that I talk to and just that I know in life and other people that I listen to, when you get into like a helping profession or something where you're like doing something for others,

it's usually because you had your own struggle with it. So can we go back like to the beginning and just tell me about young you? Yeah. Well, young Paul, Paul, you know, I would like to think that the young child version of myself is very similar to the self that I've stepped into now, that I truly am. And there's this point in most of our lives where we kind of lose our child and we are told or forced to grow up. And recently it's hit me that I just really want to lean into that little boy, the one who was always having fun and you know life for me I want life to be fun and easy I don't see why it has to be any other way and

and for most of my life it wasn't that way I had this I was told by role models in my life my parents that life had to be hard life had to be a struggle it had to be painful if you weren't grinding and hustling and just sacrificing that you wouldn't be successful and that I wouldn't be successful, right? Who, own it, I. And when it came down to my life, when I hit rock bottom, which is I think where we will start, is I was in, I was 75 pounds heavier than I am today. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was in financial crisis. I was working a job that was slowly killing me, that I was just the epitome of a people

pleaser and a lot of people can relate to that so if you've like raised your hand while you're driving listening to this or on uh wherever you're listening like you are not alone like people pleasing and the lack of confidence to break out of that is the number one thing that i receive the need for support on that people come to me for and um when i was a people pleaser and my day to day just really looked like, what are these people going to think of my day? How am I going to successfully portray to them that I'm happy or I'm successful or all the other things that we place on ourselves, right? So here I was working the job that was, I was making a really great living in New York City and I was miserable, right? I was in a relationship that on paper,

it was meant for life, but I was miserable, right? And these things reflected on me in the weight gain in the shopping addiction that I had. That was the cycle of, ugh, I hate myself so much. I emotionally ate last night. I'm overweight. I'm going to go and make myself feel better, and I'm going to go buy a fancy pair of shoes because shoes always fit, right? And then, because I felt so shitty about that, I would emotionally eat. eat and the cycle would just go over and over and over again. So it was that aha moment of seeing the cycle, like stepping out of my body and being like, oh, it's very simple. It's very clear. This is the cycle, my coping. And to pull the plug out of it and that plug was people pleasing and saying

yes to others while saying no to myself. How did you have that aha moment? Because I know for myself, like I've had my own addictions and my own struggles and everything. And it's so hard to get perspective when you're in the middle of it. So how did that happen for you? I don't think I was aware of it. It wasn't like a, you know, a movie scene where it's just like the music starts to build and here he is and it's like the light shines down. It's like, oh, it was a, my life was like fucking hard. And I didn't have any option but to start climbing up because like I said, I'd hit rock bottom. So the kind of the catalyst for all of this is, like I said, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

And at that time, I wasn't speaking in my truth. I was closeted. So I was with a woman. And I was looking in the mirror. And I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. And the thing that I step into when I say that is like, I always have a question. It's like, when you look in the mirror and by you, I mean all of you who are listening. and do you actually like perceive the person staring back at you or is it just like someone that you can tear apart

because that's where I was I was in that tearing apart like oh you should be doing this shame on you like why did you do this yourself you're going to hurt so many people you're already hurting yourself like you've got to get out right so that was like beneath this like smile and the bright eyes and I've got this great job and da da da da da da and the apartment in New York I've made it it's my life dream right there I was looking in the mirror and being like, who, who is this person? No clue. And that was really the moment when I said, I got to find out who this person is. And it wasn't like, oh, I'm going on a self-love journey now.

Like, you know, buckle up my shoes and hopped down the yellow brick road. It was, like I said, climbing out there. And I didn't know that that's what I was practicing until I stepped into this alignment of supporting others on that journey. I just thought it was, I was surviving. Right. I'm really interested in the relationship that you were in only because I've been in emotionally abusive relationships too. And just relationships that I was in, that I stayed in too long, that I knew should have ended, but I was afraid. And it's so interesting because even in sobriety, I've been sober for five and a half years.

I was in a relationship in the very beginning, and I couldn't leave, I knew I should leave. and that inner turmoil manifested, not in drinking or drugs anymore, because I gave that up, but shopping, eating, binging, all of these different behaviors. And it was like I physically could not stay in the relationship anymore because it was making me actually ill. Like I had all my gut issues came out and it was just crazy. So it's interesting how your body can tell you when it's time to go. So once you kind of realized, once you had that moment of clarity, how did you start to take action to change where you were in life with all these different things going on? Yeah, I'd love to just speak a little bit on the piece of emotionally abusive relationship. and if you're out a place in your life where you're feeling stuck,

I get it, I've been there, I know what it feels like. The thing to know is that for me, and you might be able to relate to this, is I was receiving what I felt worthy of, right? So I was receiving this abuse because that's what I felt worthy of. and I conditioned myself for such a long time to feel comfortable in that. And the comfort was easier to stay in than the idea of stepping into the unknown, which for me was leaving the relationship, not knowing where I was going to live, coming out of the closet, you know, rocking the boat, all of that stuff.

And there was all these like stories I was telling myself, right? Like, oh, this is not going to be a cute look on me. Nobody's going to like me anymore. they're just going to kick me to the curve. I'm over. Like life is over as I know, right? Like those stories every single day, I got to check those stories before they wreck me, right? Yeah. So there I was and I was just calling in those relationships and it wasn't the first time I'd been in that type of relationship and it wasn't going to be the last. Like the men that I dated when I first

came out, they were exact mirrors of that same feeling. It wasn't until I sat with myself and said, Paul, you are worth the love that you want. You are worth the love that you so knowingly desire and deserve that I was able to receive that love. So we like to put blame on other people. You know, I could blame this person that I was in the relationship with. I could blame. But when we're pointing our fingers out at other people, all that's doing is avoiding us looking inside. You know, so I was avoiding that.

And that's when the mirror, I looked at myself and I was like, you're the only one to blame for this. You're the one who's staying. You're the one who's doing all of that. So, like, if we're looking for a tangible first step, what to do, it's having that moment. It's sitting with yourself right now, regardless of whether or not your life is awesome. Like, wherever you are in your life, like, get present with yourself. And that's actually, like, a really, really great opportunity for me to share a little bit about a strategy that I developed that is really going to help. that is really going to help you.

And it's four parts and really easy to do. If you feel any type of resistance, fear, pain, struggle, anything coming up, you can use the Paul strategy. Love it. It's, of course, my name, so you're never going to forget it, right? But it's an acronym. And P is the first step and it's presence, right? So we get present with where we are.

So at that moment looking in the mirror, I was present. I was like, okay, this is how I'm feeling. How am I feeling right now? Super present. A, accountable. So then taking one step, I have to get accountable because I'm the only one who got myself to where I am. Yes, there are other players in the puzzle of my life and pieces and whatnot, but I am fully accountable for my reality. Right. So hold myself accountable for that.

And then you step into the unconditional acceptance, right? Why am I here right here now? Why? What is my reason behind? being here. What am I meant to learn? Because it's one thing to be conscious of the thing we're meant to learn. It's another thing to embody that actually accept it and learn it and apply it to your life, right? And then L stands for love. Just throw some love at yourself. Like you're doing great. One of my favorite ways to love on myself is to reach my arm up, bend my elbow, put it on the

back of my neck and just get myself a pound on the back. Take a deep breath. Kennedy, you're going to do it? Yeah. We're all doing it right now. She's not really into it. I'm so into it. So and take a deep breath with that. Like it's something, it's just like you're doing your best. You're doing it. And it's one of those things. Like if you're in a fight with a significant other, like throw the Paul strategy at it.

Like get present with your, if you are at a point where you're about to finally ask for that raise at work that you know you deserve. But you're glued. You're glued to your seat. You can't. You could even. fathom knocking on your boss's door. Throw the Paul strategy at it. Notice what's underneath that fear

because it's probably just the stuff that's holding you back. I love it. Kennedy is nodding. I don't know if it's about the asking your boss for a raise thing. I think we might be having a talk later. Listen, we need to have a conversation. No, I just, I think that's such a simple and easy,

you know, it's four steps. And you can just do it in your mind in like 10 minutes. Not even. Yeah. Yeah. And the accountability part is so big. Because, you know, if we don't take ownership and we're just blaming everybody else,

we're going to stay sick. It's as simple as that. Sick, yeah. We don't even think that we are, but everyone has their own level of sickness. Right. And we think sickness is disease or all these other terms that have been defined for us. but sickness everyone's spiritual sickness yeah yeah so you so you left that relationship you what happened with the job you left the job at the same time so I didn't leave the job at the same

time but a little piece that kind of pushed me in the right direction is when I left that relationship 20 pounds of emotional weight fell off of me in two weeks wow it just like left my body and that was one of those like the universe was like okay we see you like you like you got this like and this it was such a pain point for me my weight and still to this day is something that i struggle with because i'm still working through releasing a lot of the things that i the reasons i carry this extra weight that i view as more protection uh than anything and i'm i'm at this job that really i've been there i was i was working retail i was working for louis Vuitton like you know i mean it was fancy right like but like if we dig a little bit deeper into why i i'm

I started working at a job. It was because I wanted people to think, ooh, you fancy, huh? And to see me in the fancy shoes and the clothes and the bags and me being able to buy them at a massive discount, you know? So it was me putting on this entire costume that I was happy, that I was successful, but I was drowning. So at that point, I really was leaning into being a leader. and I really wanted to be a manager

and I kept on being like shifted around from store to store because I was just not willing to stay as a salesperson. It just wasn't, so I was every review, every week I'd be like, hey, this is like I'm a leader. Like I'm doing your job. Like this is not a cute look. So they kept on moving me from sort to store

because I was like the problem child. And the Louis Vuitton problem child. Yeah, but I mean I was awesome. I was really, really good. I'd buy something from you. Listen, lots of women did. And so my prayers were received and I granted and I then was recruited by Cartier and I was a manager of their accessories department in the Fifth Avenue flagship for. Wow.

Yeah, so it like totally validated me and then like two days into it, I was like, what next? Okay, you got this, right? This is the common like human condition that we're always looking for. for the next thing because we're looking outside of ourself for validation and for truth and for that you are successful moment. And you got to find it from within. And these are all in retrospect. Like I didn't know that's what was going on.

I didn't know that that's why I kept on having a yearning for something bigger and better. It's because I wasn't satisfied. It's like, why do we really only need one handbag, right? Why do we keep on going out and buying more? Right? We really only need like two pairs of shoes. Why do I have 70 pairs? It's unclear.

But they all give me lots of joy. Marie Kondo. I'll take it. So when did you leave New York and come out here? 2013. So I was in New York for five and a half years. And at that moment in my life, I was, you know, I'd done a lot of work on myself, but I needed, I couldn't afford to live in New York City, point blank. I couldn't afford to live there anymore.

and I kept on moving like further and further and further away from Manhattan and I was just like can't do this anymore. So there had always been this kind of my father had always wanted someone in the family to continue the legacy of the family business. And I was like, this is my out. I'm going to do it. When I was really just like not being able to live up to myself and be like, Paul, you don't have to have a reason to move back in with your parents. Just like do it. But at that point, I was like, okay, moving back with my parents going to work in the family business. business, torture myself. And so I lived with my parents and it worked with my dad. And at that time, I met my now husband Richard. And at one point, like Richard was living with all of us. And it was,

he loved it. He didn't want to leave. But I was just like at my wits end. And, and then I discovered spin, or I, a flashback, when I was in New York, I really became a devout spin. student. When push came to shove, I left working with the family business and I needed to do something. And the universe handed me this opportunity to teach spin at the studio that I walked in and auditioned and they said, well, we loved your energy. And then it's just like I took it into just being that best instructor that I could. And I fell hard in love with the fitness industry and the health and wellness space and and we're almost to the point where I transitioned into self-love. But I want to point out that the reason that I stepped into teaching spin was because I was so

terrified that I was going to gain the weight back. And I was so, I didn't have the accountability piece. I didn't trust myself enough. I didn't believe that I could and I would keep the weight off that I was like the only way that I'm going to keep the weight off is if I become a spin instructor. So I'm paid to work out. And it was coming. So the motivation was coming from fear.

and not in the right way. We can use fear in two different ways. We can use fear to push us away from our truth, or we can use fear to vass our compass, always pushing us forward. And now I like to try and lean into fear in a way that it's driving me forward over the cliff and into the beautiful ocean

that is abundance and purpose and passion and alignment. I love it. So. I want to ask, how did you go from having dysfunctional relationships to then meeting your husband and being, how were you able to finally accept love and like a healthy relationship. That's a good question because I've been thinking about this a lot because I come in contact

with a lot of people who say, you know, I got into a relationship quick right after a past relationship or my relationships overlapped and I got into the same type of relationship. And that's the beginning of my story with Richard. I had literally come out, moved out, moved from New York. I was in a very, I had a very torrid, felt like it was year-long relationship. It was only two months. But oh my gosh, like it just fell hard and fast. And I was like, you are it.

And there was fire and passion. And I was like, this is what life is like, right? This lights me up. Like a drug. Right. It was. It was such a drug. And then when I moved, you know, he stayed in New York and I moved back to San Diego.

And we ended things multiple times. And then I finally was just like, I can't do this anymore. And then I started seeing Richard, I started talking to Richard, maybe like three days later. And then my therapist at the time was like, okay, Paul, like, cool your jets, what I need you to do. And this is a great piece if you're looking to call in your soulmate or the person that you truly want to deserve is I sat down and I wrote down all of my non-negotiables. So, of course, I wrote down all of the things that my previous partner was that I liked and mostly, knew all the things that I didn't like about him and removed those from my consciousness. I wrote out 58 things that were non-negotiables that I needed in my partner going forward,

like down to I wanted him to be bilingual. I wanted him to be smart and educated, a good cook. I love it. Very specific. Kennedy, you need to do this. Kennedy. Shall we do it right now? Oh, my God.

Putting you on the spot. If you did it with me, I would do it. I'll do it right now. Well, let's wait. I was actually thinking it. I'm the star of this interview right now, but we can step into you in a little bit or maybe offline. So 58 things. And then seven days after I wrote that letter to my future partner, husband, or just the universe, I met Richard in real life for our first date.

And did you bring the checklist with you? I did not. However, I did discover it because it was kind of always on my mind. I'm like, I want my name checks up all those boxes. And I did rediscover it maybe a week and a half before we got married. So it was absolutely part of my wedding vows. Like, just like, you are my 58 things. Oh, my God.

And, like, it was just, it was awesome. It was cool to like literally every single one of those things. So, like, but it was my belief. Like, you can write down all the things. want like I could have and not believe it but it's just like if you write it down and you say like I deserve this I'm worth it I believe that this person is coming or this job is coming whatever you want it to be it doesn't it there's no box that this this work fits into right it's whatever box right because we're an individual like what worked for me might not work for

you but maybe what works for you is like finding like drawing a picture of the person and like or like writing an epic love story that is your own story. Like that we get so stuck trying to push ourselves into these square pegs when we're a round hole. Like my peg hole isn't going to fit yours or yours, Kennedy. Sorry Kennedy. Yeah. I'm really upset. So you transitioned from being an instructor to a self-love coach a year, year and a half ago?

Yeah. Yeah. So it was so full-time. I've been doing this for almost a year and fighting for it for around maybe two and a half years of just like, but more when I say fighting for it, more so the resistance around it. I always knew in spin class that the reason I was so successful in that piece of my life was because I had a way to communicate. I always get this, even from Insta stories, I'll get people being like, you're speaking directly to me and I don't know how you do that, but like you're. doing it. You're clearly doing it right now. I mean, she's nodding, but I am too. Like, I mean, it just resonates so much. Right. And this, this is just like the reminder that I always tell

everyone, it's like, you're not alone. We are all so similar, but the similarities, we take them too far and we think that we have to look the same way, eat the same way, feel the same way, make the same amount of money. It's just like, no. Like, maybe, maybe being successful and traveling the world and being a jet setter and like having all the fancy handbags maybe like that doesn't align with you like we've been told for some reason that that is what success looks like right and happiness right and believe me like i i've been there pretending to be there and i was i'm so much happier now and granted like i'm in alignment where i can receive the abundance and the things that i truly truly want in life.

But it was, it, it's, it feels different this time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can attest to, um, having that lifestyle and having anything that you want. And, and it does not move the needle at all. Just telling everybody out there right now. I mean, yes, if, if, you know, you can buy a purse and it can be beautiful and you can bring you joy or whatever, but like, it, it doesn't fill any void.

So. Well, the thing about voids, the thing about voids is like, voids are just energy, right? So this is another fun exercise that I do in a lot of my workshops. And it's called the leave it and receive it exercise. So when we're talking about a void, like, for instance, I needed to leave that emotionally abusive relationship, right? So I'm leaving. So if you want to actually physically do this, get a piece of a card, a piece of card, a piece of paper. I know, I do it on cardstocks, so that's why I'm thinking a piece of paper and on one side right, leave it, on the other side right, receive it, okay? And what do you want to leave? What it's no longer serving you for, so for example, or I could even, I want to get real, I don't want to travel that far back. I want to talk about something that I did yesterday. Okay. So I was, as I get into launching my Paul Masterclass, my Paul Strategy Masterclass, I was so hyper focused on,

gosh, I just want everyone to love this so much. And I realized that that wasn't serving me, right? The need for other people to love it. So I subconsciously, consciously wrote, leave what other people think of this. What other people are going to get out of this? And on the other side, I wrote, receive my truth and my happiness and my pride in this piece.

Because I work so hard on this. And I was sitting there and I just like felt an overwhelm of emotion and was breathing into it and allowed myself to feel that and just like tears fell down my face because here I am realizing that like it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of these things that we put out into the universe. The only thing that matters is that you are doing it or I am doing it for the reason that I want to and it brings me joy. And yes, I spent probably a total of 24 hours sitting in front of my computer screen editing this one video out of four. And by the time you listen to this, all of the videos will be available to view at Paulstrategy.com.

And it's just, I loved every second of it. And I'm so excited to put it out in the world because it's me able to give, right? I was talking to a really good friend and she said, Paul, really lean into the giving because we can get super focused on receiving, right? I want to receive more money, receive the relationship, receive, receive, but how can can we give more of ourselves give back? And that's really the transition that I took from spin to self-love. Do you like how I wrap that up all into it nicely? You don't need to be here. You just talk. It kind of reminds me what you were saying about giving of a quote and I'm totally

going to butcher it because that's what I do with quotes. She knows. But it's something like whatever it is that you think you need from the world is exactly what you need to give. Yeah. That was like very profound. Well, we, we teach exactly what we need and all those types of things. Yeah, love it. So you have your class coming tomorrow when this airs. How do you work with a client one-on-one? What does that look like for you? So the foundation of all of the work that I do is built upon this, what I call the self-love success path. And it's a five-part journey. And I take all of my clients, whether you're not. you're a one-on-one client or you're a member of my membership self-love on demand, which is just this really awesome community that I've created. And the self-love success path is five parts. And it starts with self-discovery. So we start there because self-discovery is the part where

as an individual, we figure out who really are you. Like Kennedy, who are you outside of being an awesome assistant outside of being a daughter, a friend, like what lights you up inside, right? So that's a rhetorical question. You don't have to answer right now. You're welcome. Pressure, hot seat, right? So I help all of my clients get to the bottom of that. And that's the first part, right? So on this self-loved success path, it's heart-shaped. Okay, so the first piece at the bottom, I'm going to try and paint a picture for you so you can see it in your mind's but self-discovery and then once we move through that so I'll have yes or no questions and then we'll move into self-awareness so around the self-awareness piece is when without fail like clockwork

I get some panicked text messages or panicked voice memos Paul I had no idea this is what lit me up and said I had no idea I didn't want to be at my job I had no idea that I X, Y and Z what all these other things right so so we have to be a we discover that about us And then we just have to be hyper aware of the knowingness that where we are right now isn't really exciting anymore or it wasn't or it wasn't serving us. Right. So that's the next part, awareness. And then we move into self-acceptance because before we can move forward, we have to get super comfortable living in the life that we've created for ourselves. Mostly because we got to turn up the discomfort.

So it's going to remind us that when we're really, really uncomfortable in this just feeling of being stagnant and stuck, that it's no fun, right? So I turn it up and then we get into this. Then it's kind of that's where the heart starts coming down into the little reverse peak or the valley, if you will, the reverse peak into the valley. And within that valley is when we start trekking up again. saying to ourself, okay, here I am, I'm starting to know what I want as an individual, and then I take you into self-expression, which is not only learning how to ask for what you want from others, but learning how to own and honor what you want from yourself. And this is where we focus on communication and a lot of the tools that I have to support

people asking for raises or telling their partners that they need support with the kids or maybe stepping out of a relationship. And then finally we get into self-love, which is really just resonating in everything that we've been through. So it's a lot more like looking back and staying present than looking forward. But the cool part about the success path, the success path I think is that the heart is made out of an arrow. So the end of self-love points right back into self-discovery. Because self-love isn't like...

It's not a finite thing. finite thing and like what even is self-love I don't know but what I do know is that with this success path that I've created I have the ability and I've had the ability to guide people through any type of transformation right like I'm kind of leaning into supporting people building business and but before that like a really powerful story of a client transformation that I feel called to share is kind of because she was on the same journey as me and I like to put it into perspective of other people because for some reason it just resonates

with a lot more people when they hear not just my story. So she came to me with the idea that it was crazy to be happy. It was crazy to want to be happy. It was crazy. Like happiness was crazy. I can't tell you how many times

she said that to me on our initial consultation call, our self-love clarity call, if you will. I love all these names. You're so creative. Thank you. Thank you. It's a, I don't know, something that I just have a gift for, and I really, so I thank you. I receive.

And the, she says, I feel crazy. I feel crazy for wanting to be happy. And I was like, okay, so what would happiness feel like for you? I have no idea. What do you mean? You know that it's crazy, but you don't know what it would feel like. Oh, I guess I never thought about it that way. Okay, so after like her dragging her kicking and screaming through breath work on her call,

getting her to feel into the fear of the knowingness that she had to do this work. She steps in and she kind of had the same kind of cycle as me. There was this, but it was specifically about working out. She had already been on a weight loss journey. She had lost around 70 pounds on her own. But she was having trouble like loving herself for the work celebrating that. So her cycle was she loved being social. she loved going to brunch, right, with her friends.

She'd go to brunch, but whenever she had brunch booked, she knew that she would have to go work out to make herself feel better about the indulgence of the mimosa's and the French toast and all that goodness, right? So we're kind of working backwards through a cycle. And then she would cycle back from that. The only way that she would work out is if she bought a new outfit, right? So we have the cycle of going to brunch

and then having to buy a new outfit to go work out and then going to brunch, buying new outfit. And she was like, Paul, I don't need another pair of black Lulu lemon leggings, but I need them for some reason. So we chopped up that cycle and ripped it apart and made it more linear than cyclical. And then I took her through it. And then we slapped it on top of the self-loved success path and saw that it was kind of like the extension. It was kind of like if you see the heart of the self-lose success path, that's the balloon lifting you up. Like her cycle that we cut in half and made into a linear piece was kind of like the string that was holding the balloon.

So once we got to the balloon and we cut the string and she just blew away. Yeah. So it's fun because I know I just saw her a couple weekends ago. And it's just like I work with clients from all over the world and feel really like so excited when I got my first international client. I was like, yeah. That's made it. That's incredible. Yeah.

and when when I saw her, I was just like, how are you doing? Because you look phenomenal. Like, you look glowing. And that was something else that her friend said. Seven days into she stepped into working with me, she real, her friends were like, hey, this might be like awkward and uncomfortable, but like, girl, are you pregnant? And she was like, no, why?

They're like, you're just glowing. Oh, my gosh. And she wasn't pregnant. She was just, when she was pregnant with self-love. You need to have a name for that. The Paul. I don't know. I don't know.

You'll come up with it, though. We'll come up with it. Yeah. What is the most common, you mentioned earlier, what the most common issue that your clients deal with. But what are some trends that you see a lot that people are struggling with right now? It all kind of plays into this piece of being confident. A lot of people. are just don't feel that they're worthy that they do not feel that they're deserving they

they lack the ability to look in the mirror and say hey I've got this do you think that is from their environment kind of growing up like they're conditioned or do you think it's this comparathean era that we're living in right now I think I think that it's hard to put it into one specific box one can one specific container but what I do know is that I haven't met one person who hasn't had a piece of this self-confidence that's missing, this lack of it can be from whatever piece, whether it's a childhood knowing, a learning, whether it is just a trauma that we experienced to know, like, or just this conditioning to think that if you don't have all of the followers and the blue checkmark by your name that you're worthless.

Right. Oh, yeah. I know that struggle. But you have the blue check mark. I just got it on Tuesday. Apparently now I'm worthy, yes. I mean, I've applied a bunch of times, but it hasn't happened yet. How do you practice self-care when you are giving so much of yourself to other people?

That's a great question. This has been something that I've been hit with really, really recently that I haven't been doing for myself. and owning up to that has been actually the first step. The thing that I like to share about self-care is that self-care and self-love are two very different things. However, they cannot live without one another. So a lot of times, you know, for me, and, you know, I thought self-love was going out and, you know, buying a pair of shoes. And that was really self-care, right? because any act of treating ourselves to something or taking care or making ourselves feel good,

whether it's quick or a slow hit of feeling good, is self-care. However, the caveat is that if we aren't in a state of mental love and compassion for ourselves, then it's not self-care. It's just self-sabotage or. self negligence or sacrifice or whatever phrase you want to slap on it so you know it turned into like when i would go and buy the shoes if i felt guilty afterwards well got to get back to square one because or even during you know like the the whole thing that i'm trying to get people to do is slow down and i'm not saying like slow down in your life like go if you love a fast place life

great but like slow down and really get that awareness of what's going on in your body, right? Like this past weekend, I had an experience that opened up a knowingness that I wasn't breathing fully into my body. Like, my lungs were this much capacity all the time. And I opened all of it up and I was just like, what? You know? So it's just like that was a lot of work. That was looking deep in the mirror and being like, Paul, you got to take care of yourself.

I guess now's a better time than ever to come clean with. I was in this space of restriction when it came to food. I've been living in this kind of like back and forth between veganism and just like eating everything. And felt really safe in the restriction of veganism. And I felt really powerful in the speaking about it and being like, you know, like knowing all the why. and quoting all the documentaries. I wasn't too much of an activist, but it was more just like conscious consumption.

And just recently my body brought to my awareness that it's not serving me. And it's been the hardest thing for me because it's defined me for almost four years. And then when digging a little bit deeper, like my body, I wasn't taking care of myself. So when here I am, I'm like, I'm working.

out I'm eating quote unquote healthy but my body's gaining weight and I'm just like what the fuck is going on man what's going on body yeah right and uh it was I sat down with myself and like closed my eyes and like started thinking about different foods and it was just like noticing when my body start our bodies are so smart they know exactly what we want so you know as I'm like going through it and then when I had that awareness all of the places that I used to love to eat cafe gratitude love you so much. But like, every time I go there, I'd be like, I do not want you. Even the macro bowl?

I mean, listen, I, I, I mean, I love. I still just, you, but not all the time. Yeah. I felt seen there. Yeah. You know, I felt like held and safe. Yeah. You know, and it was, I could walk to it and they all knew me.

And I was like, celebrity there, you know, got my blue check mark and traffic gratitude. The full check mark that matters. I know. Listen, you've been listening. listening so you get it. By the way, I was in therapy yesterday and my therapist knew how resentful I was at Instagram and I told her I finally got verified and she's she doesn't understand. She's like, oh, so it's like you got your degree in Instagram. I was like, wow, that's really sad. Wait, wait, but I want to dig a little bit deep. Like when you got verified, like, how did that feel?

We freaked out. I was, so I was relieved because it seems like such a trivial thing to people who aren't like in the business. But it was so frustrating for me because I was comparing myself to other people who had it who had no press. And they kept saying to me, you need more press. And I had a lot of press, both on my own and from my husband and red carpets and whatever. So I felt like it was an injustice. That was what it was.

So I had this resentment. Like who are you to tell me what I am? Yeah, I was like, how can that person have it who has like nothing? I like Google their name. and I'm like, there's no press. Zero. I would send it to Kennedy. It was just, it was not a healthy place to be in.

But so when I finally got it, like, I was relieved because I felt like, okay, I can stop fucking thinking about this stupid thing. And then I moved on from it really quickly. Right. And you're like, oh, does it matter? We realize it was like, it seems like it was the most trivial reason not to be verified. It's because she got married and changed her last name, but her license was her maiden name. And so they kept submitting.

admitting with her maiden name and then as soon as she got a new license the next day it was verified yeah so but but i know like what you're saying it didn't it was this thing that i wanted for a long time and it it's not like it made me happy or did anything and that nothing measurable i mean it was like oh yay and then i moved on to the next thing right right so i would just like to take a little moment to spread a little message about that it's like we really get hyper focused on the things we can't have. And this is, you can pull pieces of this from my story. And then, uh, when we receive them, like that, that my friends, if you receive it and you're just like, okay, when's the next thing? That's when you got to take pause. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like as soon as you hit one level,

you're trying to get to the next level. Right. Right. There's no, like you're saying, I love what you're saying about stopping to slow down and just be present. Like that's something that I'm working on because I can get so far caught up in the future that it's impossible to feel anything in the current moment. And the current moment is the only place where there's going to be joy and all of that. Amen. Amen. I want to get to listener questions. Okay. Okay. How can we ditch negative self-talk? Hmm. Well, first things first, if you're curious about ditching negative self-talk, Paulstrategy.com head there immediately watch everything. Negative self-talk is really just like a projection of how you feel about yourself. And it's not something that I think is fully ditchable, fully just leave it at the door.

I would love to meet a person who fully never has any moments of self-futcheable. doubt or negativity around their self. It's really negative self-talk kind of actually comes from the resistance of the things that we truly want, right? If you are looking at yourself in the mirror and if we're taking just for instance like my weight loss, you know, I would look at myself and just be like, oh, you're so fat, you're so disgusting, right? It's, I was making myself feel bad about those things because I knew deep down that's not what I wanted, right? And this might be an interesting reframe for some people, but it's just like when you are so hypercritical, about yourself it's really because that's your inner subconscious wanting it so bad and your mind

being like uh just gonna shit all over that and make you feel really crummy about it so that you don't even want to step near it like i didn't want to step near the idea of going to the gym or any type of weight loss because it felt so good to beat myself up that felt comfortable yeah right so negative self-talk is super comfortable for most of us because you ever heard the term um why do you keep hitting yourself It's hitting yourself on the head with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop. Yeah. You hear that?

Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, I mean, I think it's because it is kind of a part of all of us, like you're saying, I don't think there's anybody who never has any of those thoughts. It's like a certain part of our brain is just wired that way. So maybe it's not so much like trying to get rid of it as changing the narrative and being aware of it. Right.

And diving into well. what it would feel like to not have negative self-talk. How would you feel if you didn't make yourself feel horrible all the time? And lean into that feeling. Just try and flow through life feeling those feelings. Love it. Do you love yourself all the time? Hell no.

Like big hell no. Like it's not possible. I don't think self, like you said, self-love isn't finite. And I've been beating myself up about this recently and very publicly as well. And it's so beautiful. I love the way that social media is kind of shifting to just wanting me to show up without a filter, without anything, and just like talk. You know, I posted a video yesterday with like tears. still coming down my eyes and face and it was just like that's the reality of it like you know

I'm only human I I and we have once again put ourselves into a box because we feel more comfortable there but when I put myself into this box and expected that self-love is the only way oh it just royally fucked me right because I was here and just like thinking I always love myself this is so I don't do it and then it was just almost spiraling out of control and it was the exact opposite. So no. Short answer, no, I do not. Love it. How do you deal with fear? Once again, fear is just fear. Here's when fear normally comes up. And for me and for most people I know, fear comes up around failure, but what's above that fear of failure is the fear of success, right? What would happen if you had everything you ever wanted in your life?

What would happen? I mean, life would be pretty awesome, right? And we live so terrified of having that because we're already taking all that stuff away from ourselves. We've already living in a place where it's going to be taken away. So we'd rather play small, self-sabotage, set ourselves up for success, stay out of the mindset that, you know, you can have whatever you want, I can have whatever I want, we can have whatever we want. And we'd rather just sit here at the job that's the, it's the, killing us in the relationship that isn't serving us because fear is just comfortable.

So I think that like the theme of this whole show is like stepping out of your comfort zone with self-love, you know, and just knowing that you're welcome for the title. If it's not titled that, we'll have words. I love it. Can you tell everybody really quickly about your class that's going to be starting the day after this airs tomorrow and then tell everybody where they can find you. So here's what's up. Actually, so just the Paul Strategy Masterclass is a four-part video series that was really

created because I felt called to do so. The why behind me putting the Paul Strategy into play was because my mission, my true core virtue is currently to empower and inspire humanity to love unconditionally. and the amount of messages that I receive from people saying I lack self-confidence, I need to ditch the negative self-talk. I got to get rid of the self-sabotage. It's holding me back. I couldn't respond to another DM about it.

And when I show up on direct message, I want to show up wholeheartedly, whether it's a video message or I'm not just going to send an emoji, and it's getting more difficult as I grow. But it's definitely a passion of mine to make. because it takes courage to message someone and share how you feel to them. But sometimes I think that it doesn't because you don't know them. But anyway, so I felt very called to create this master class. So it's four-part video series taking you through the Paul strategy, which we outlined before. Presence, acceptance, unconditional, I'm sorry, presence, accountability, unconditional acceptance, and love.

And each video we talk about the step. and there's a closed Facebook community to get involved and in the master class where I am going live and just to actually put a little sense of urgency the Paul Strategy actually tomorrow, the day after this air is the last day to get in on it. So everybody go to the description of this episode. There will be a link there.

Consume everything. Paul Strategy.com. And it's, It will give you an opportunity to explore what it looks like to continue this work in my community, which is called self-love on demand, which is my calling. It is something that I've been very resistant around, but really excited because it gives me the opportunity to serve more people at not a high price point and give all these tools that I feel called to give in a service place.

Because when I can give that and like me, being here sharing this with you, sharing this with you, Kennedy, is the ability to then you transmit, tell that to other people, it's going to trickle down, right? That's all I want. I want to change the world with self-love and acceptance and compassion. It starts with each and every one of us. So when you join this community and a really fun competition, like there's a leaderboard going on right now for the city with the most people members to join. I'm throwing a massive party for all of you in your city. So for all of us to come together,

I'm not going to hold anything back. So check out the leaderboard. Everything's going to be at Paulstrategy.com and get your friends involved because self-love is a fun journey to be on with friends. It doesn't have to be alone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you make it fun. I mean, you, I love your message. It's so concise. It's so clear that this is what you're meant to be doing, even though we just met, like, you are just this presence. I know Kennedy feels the same way. Definitely. And it's just kind of like this energy just kind of emanates from you. And like, this is your calling.

And it's so cool to be around people who are aligned with their calling. It's so inspiring. So thank you so much for coming. And where can everybody find you on Instagram? Yeah, I'm at Paul Fishman, so that's my first name, Paul, last name, Fish, like the Things that swim in the sea, man like me. And in the link in my bio, you can take a quick quiz that's going to give you the best starting point for your self-love journey.

So if you don't know where to start, I have three different resources, and if you take this quiz, answer the questions as truthfully as you feel called to, you will receive a resource, whether it's morning mantra, journaling prompts, or meditation. and that will be my guide for you to love yourself unconditionally and start there. So that would be a great place to start. All right. Thank you. Are you feeling inspired?

Because I'm feeling inspired after that. As always, thank you for tuning in. I appreciate you guys sharing, sharing on social media, sharing with people in your lives. As always, please rate, review, subscribe if you haven't already. and do all of the things. I'll talk to you next week.