Well with Arielle Lorre - 176: Dating Apps, How to Meet People Offline, & The 5 Pillars of Compatibility with Professional Matchmaker Maria Avgitidis Pyrgiotakis

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

In this episode, I'm talking to Maria Avgitidis Pyrgiotakis, a professional matchmaker and founder of Agape Match, about all things dating + relationships. We chat about what it's like to date in our current climate; navigate dating apps, what to avoid on your profile, sex on the first date, and meeting people outside of apps. She also lends her advice on relationships in general; the 5 pillars of compatibility, settling vs. settling down, and how to reverse engineer what you're looking for in a partner. Whether you're single, dating, or IAR, there's a little something for everyone in this one!   Sponsors: Allarahealth.com/arielle for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test Thrivecausemetics.com/blonde  for 15% off Athleticgreens.com/blondefiles for a free 1 year supply of vitamin D and 5 free travel packs Shipstation.com promo code BLONDE for a free 60 day trial   Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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re-sadviseur or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the blonde Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lori, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits and I'm bringing it to you real and unfiltered. I know there is so much information out there,

so I'm here to help you navigate it all. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. Today's episode is a really fun one, whether you're dating, in a relationship, married, single, in a situationhip, whatever your case may be. It's super interesting. It's pretty funny at times and full of wisdom from my guest Maria Avectetus, aka Matchmaker Maria. Maria is the CEO of Agape Match. It's an award-winning matchmaking service based out of NYC. And she's also the host of the Dating and Relationship Podcast, Ask a Matchmaker. She is a trailblazer in the dating industry. She provides an intuitive perspective to help guide singles out of dating fatigue and into fun, happy, and healthy relationships.

Maria's dating advice has been featured on the New York Times, The Washington Post, Good Morning America, the Today Show, Esquire, L, and many other outlets. She has met over 10,000 people and helped set up over 4,000 first dates. She combines strong intuition with matchmaking methodology to leverage each client's unique attachment style and preferred love language. Better known, as I said, as matchmaker Maria on social media. She has also answered over 5,000 questions on her Ask a Matchmaker Wednesdays on her Instagram stories. She also has a lot of those saved, so go check those out, and provides clarity and dating

and relationships for thousands of singles. So in this episode, we get into all things, dating, relationships. obviously how to meet somebody on or offline, what to do, what not to do, what to look for, compatibility-wise when looking for a long-term partner, dating non-negotiables, sex, and so many listener questions. So I hope you guys enjoy the episode. Okay, welcome, Maria. I'm so excited to talk to you. Thanks for having me. Start out, why don't you just tell everybody a little bit about who you are and what you do, how you came to be a matchmaker about your business, all of that. Oh, wow, that's a lot of A lot of questions at once.

I am a professional matchmaker. I own a Gopi Match, which is a matchmaking service based in New York City. Our tagline is executive matchmaking for exceptional singles. And we provide matchmaking and coaching solutions. We also have quarterly retreats for our coaching program, the Agapi Intensive. How I became a matchmaker, the short story is that I'm a fourth generation matchmaker. And my grandparents, they were matchmakers. and so we're their grandparents.

Of course, we get paid very differently. They got paid in goat and I get paid in catch or money rather. And they set up people in their village, whereas I set people that are strangers to me. I don't really know their whole life history or who their parents are and, you know, a little bit more blind, flying blind in the beginning as I get to know my clients and figure out, you know, not only what their value set is and their temperament is, but also, you know, What are there three, five, ten, twenty year goals and how I can be of service to make, you know, those things happen?

How have you seen the kind of dating experience, relationship experience change over the years, if at all? I mean, I've been married and in a relationship for like seven years. So when I first started or right before I got together with my husband, I was a little bit on the apps. Like they were just kind of becoming a thing. There was like Bumble and Tinder and that was really it. There were obviously the websites.

But I feel like nowadays, and you can answer this, I'm sure, it seems like you kind of have to be on an app to meet somebody whereas I met my husband not on an app. So how have you seen just kind of the landscape change over the years and how has that affected people who are looking to find a relationship? So there's been like five waves of. of online dating things happening in the last 30 years. But let's talk about dating first.

Like dating on itself is a very new concept, right? People didn't necessarily date prior to, let's say, 1980, maybe even 1990, right? There was more courting. Like you knew this person or you had a friend who knew this person. You met through friends or you met at something that you were both supposed to be at. And then you courted each other. And then you maybe got into a relationship and then maybe you got married.

and the timeline was also a lot more quicker. And frankly, because you met through friends or because you met at a church or at a social event, you could say that you might have aligned a little bit more on the value set. And also, you know, matching. There was also a lot more homogeneous. You tend to see people part to 1980, not, you know, the norm was not interracial dating.

The norm was not interfaith dating. People tend to date it around their neighborhoods and, you know, with who they knew, who they were familiar with. And you start to see, you know, a lot of new waves in dating with the introduction of online dating. So suddenly in 1990, 9.95, you know, depending on if you include Yahoo Personals or Match.com, but you have the introduction of online introduction sites. And, you know, and with that, you know, you have people with the capacity to search a zip code and search of ethnicity or search a faith and find people that they might want to meet. And online dating was still very taboo then.

And the people that were doing online dating were people that were people that. that, you know, finally got a computer. Like there was this opportunity to meet new people. And, you know, you're meeting strangers. It was a very weird time then. The second wave is, um, the introduction of online dating apps. And suddenly, you know, it's like funny, like OKCupid in 2008, I remember being a little bit taboo. Like, uh, like you, I remember being an Oaky Kube 2008 and be like, I'm an okay Qupid. Like you're kind of telling your coworkers like, hey, this is what's happening. I'm really excited and trying to convince your parents like, yeah, this is normal. It's okay. I'm online. But then in 2010,

between 2010-2012, is like the second wave of online dating, which is like, suddenly more and more people had an Apple iPhone in their pocket. And suddenly that iPhone had access to a marketplace where you could download an app. And suddenly this idea of like, you know, before people were online dating with a desktop, like they sat down and they were were concentrating on online dating. And now you were doing it on the line at Starbucks or on the toilet or in between commercials or forget the commercials. There's no more commercials. Netflix started House of Cards. You were watching it when you were rewatching a scene or bored, you know, watching another episode of friends. Like suddenly online dating became a hobby, something to do. It became entertainment.

The third wave of dating is the introduction of Tinder. And suddenly it's, you know, swipe, hot or not, that sort of thing where this thumbing thing became a thing, not thumbing, swiping. Thumbing is very much part of Instagram, and I think Hinge does that really well, but Tinder was very much a swiping place and the trademarking of that and the activity of that of quickly judging people based on anything to dismiss them. I think one of the most accurate scenes of online dating is watching Pete Davidson doing it in the King of Staten Island, the movie. There's a scene where he's online dating and the way he swipes, so it's like a freaking psychopath, but that is a very accurate depiction of how people online date where you just like swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, really quickly. I'm sorry, I'm giving you a monologue, but you asked a very loaded question. I don't know. I find it fascinating.

So the fourth wave of online dating is, I think, the pandemic. So suddenly, you know, people were swiping, lots of online dating sites are opening. Lots of online dating sites collapsed with the introduction of Tinder. But new other, you know, other swiping adjacent apps have come from that as well, right? We have Bumble, we have hinge and of course, OKCupid and Match holding strong. But with the introduction of the pandemic in our lives, I think people stayed home and they started consuming a lot more relationship content and understanding like what went wrong with their last relationship. I think if you were in a relationship that was meant to break up, you broke up in the first six months of the pandemic. I mean, think of any of your friends who may have broken up. They'll tell you, oh, yeah, it was then. And it's not people breaking up now. It's like, oh, we got through the first six months, we're okay now. So that was, that was the fourth wave. And what that fourth wave did was

pretty detrimental in the sense, I mean, it's actually amazing. Less, I mean, according to Match.com's singles in America study, more men are interested in relationships than women, but not because women are not interested in relationships. Women are a lot more self-aware and educated to tell you, you know what, you're an avoidant attachment style. You know what? You're a narcissist. And I am not interested in being in a relationship with someone who has these sorts of qualities. Like they're way more educated in their dating lifestyles and their dating perspective and their dating opportunities than men. So they're more, they are hopefully more inclined to say no to people who are not good actors online. So that's like the fourth wave of dating. And then this fifth

way of a dating has been kind of happening adjacent to the last five years, like with the third and the fourth wave. And that is the introduction of Gen Z. And I know Gen Z is probably people under 28, but let's just say people under 32 for a minute. the people under 32 who are dating right now, who are single, they've never experienced analog dating. They don't remember what it was like to go to a club without a cell phone or to meet through friends without a cell phone in your pocket. Or if you had a cell phone, the capabilities were T9 texting.

Like, you know, there were no apps. There was just texting and you had to have their number, get them, you know, people under 32, they've never even memorized their parents' phone number. So they don't understand, they don't remember or recall analog dating. And why is that important? You know, you could say, oh, yeah, I meet through friends all the time. You're right.

But the social discovery of people over 32 and under 32 is two different planets, right? I remember being 23. And if I was at a bar and if my friend went to the restroom, I could guarantee someone was going to come and talk to me. And even though I'm 5-11 involuptuous, someone was going to come and talk to me and maybe even buy me a drink and then talk to my friend, maybe buy her a drink, right? But now when people go to the bathroom, that person that stays behind, they're not, there's no one to come to talk to them because those people are distracted by their phone

or with the person they're with. Or when they're fring goes to the bathroom, they also take out their phone telling other people, I'm unavailable for you to come and talk to me. So analog dating is kind of dead. So to answer your question now, like, well, obviously only dating has certainly affected things, but to not online dated 2022 is to not have it,

is like not having an email. And it's kind of, it's, It's a really great tool. Now, as a matchmaker, I don't own an online dating site, not yet at least, I don't know if that's in my future. But I am a matchmaker. And I work with people who don't want to experience extreme dating fatigue, which is what wave four and wave five, I think, have done,

is create this extreme sense of dating fatigue that they kind of tap out. They're like, you know what? I'd rather just put my, I'd rather sign up for Maria's database and just be considered as a free member in her database. Or I'd like to hire Maria. and she do it for me. Just tell me what first date and second date I should go and I'll be there. And I'll get the feedback.

Like they want to outsource it to someone else instead. And that has existed at all times, at every wave, I think. But I think with the more awareness that this exists has certainly only increased. But again, I think online dating and matchmaking, we're not in competition to each other. There's just some people who cannot online date and they will come down. And I don't mean they can't, like, they can't physically. There's just people who have such a high value. on their privacy,

that sometimes the only choice is matching if they don't have opportunities through friends, right? Like I have a lot of C-suite executives or entrepreneurs who are, it's like the value of time. Like I'm too busy to swipe, but also the value of privacy. Like I just can't have my students or my employees knowing that I'm on, you know, some online dating site.

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We'll see you there. You know, one of the most common questions that I got when people sent in questions where if I don't want to be on apps, how can I meet somebody? And it sounds like, you know, like you said, it's like not having an email. Well, there's a lot of other ways to meet new people, right? Like, I think one of the best ways to meet people, like, there are five ways to meet people, right? Online dating through work, which don't recommend. But if you do date someone that you've known for more than six months at work,

there is a 34% chance you'll end up married to them. I think it's 30 or 34% but whatever. Let's say 30%, right? But don't do that. Like, you know, meeting someone through work, that's like, like that can be really hard for women like in the future. So I would, I would, that's something I don't recommend. The third way to meet someone is obviously through a matchmaker, hello, but the fourth and fifth are out and about and through friends. And I think these two things, I don't think we invest

enough in. And like out and about, you know, like I just said before, like there's a whole generation that doesn't analog dating, but they do know activities. They do know where to put the phones away. And so instead of necessarily saying, I'm going to go meet someone at the bar, which is not really an option for anyone anymore, I would say do fun stuff that might be located at. a bar. And what that means is like, go on Eventbrate and go to meetup and check out what events are happening in your city. Is there a tech pitch event, like, you know, where people can pitch to investors? Because there's usually a networking hour before or after and or a bar event before or after where you can meet people that were at the event that were not pitching. They're just

there to watch people pitch really cool ideas to investors. I love that as an activity to do. Or join a improv class or join a media, you know, what's called creative writing class or go to lectures at independent bookstores when an author comes. So you can learn a lot about people when they, depending on the author that they go to. So there's different things to do when they usually get listed on Eventbrite or Meetup. You know, I have this one client who started adventurous eaters in New Orleans. And as a result, you know, she hosts a dinner event once a month, different, you know, different venues in New Orleans. And I think that's a great place to meet new people because it's not just about meeting someone that you could be romantically involved. It's about

increasing your network to increase opportunities, right? Every person is an opportunity for you to meet someone special. Even if it's another person who becomes your friend, there's an opportunity there. Right. Yeah. So maybe you don't do what I did, which is before I started dating my husband. I would just go kind of troll like Whole Foods and Airwan. Airwant is in LA.

It's like Whole Foods. But, you know, and I knew like the days, I'd be like Sunday at like, Sunday evening is like when they're done doing whatever they're doing with their friends and they're going and they're doing their shopping for the week and the Zip-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B. And I'm like, Sunday, Thursday. I was like, I'm there. I didn't meet anybody that way. So you're pretty so you can do that, right? Like, there is a sort of pretty privilege that comes in dating. But if you're like, how tall are you? Five-five. All right. So you're, you're an average height and you're beautiful. And this is not a dis-do, right? But, like, there are a lot of women who don't feel comfortable strolling through

Whole Foods or sewer hungry was to be like, are you the hell? And I say this as someone who's five foot, five foot 11 and voluptuous. Like I immediately am a lot of men are not interested in me just based on those two quantitative facts. However, there are a lot of men that are interested in me based on those two things. So I'm okay with that. I think the problem, like I think Whole Foods can be a great idea when you were dating when you were single, right? But right now, everyone's got AirPods on. Yeah, I know. No, it has changed so much. Even I noticed that everyone's on their phone and everyone's got And I think really good men, they really want women to feel safe when they're in public. So they're not going to go up to women when they're shopping because it's like, this woman does not need to hear my voice, right?

Yeah. Right. So I think, I think a really great place to me, people, is in Starbucks on the line without your, you know, take off your AirPods. But at the same time, I don't know, I feel like the reverse engineering of where to find someone, I think is brilliant. I think more people should do that. but reverse engineer it with your friends instead. Like, write down, like one of the things, this is how I met my husband.

I wrote down the things that I want in the future partner that I'm going to have kids with. Like I wrote down, here are the things that the guy that I'm going to have kids with is going to be like, here's what I value. And then I thought, okay, which of my friends is dating or married to someone like this? Because I believe that after the age of 25,

birds of a feather flocked together. And I could think of two women who were married or dating a man like this. And I went to those men and I said, hey, next time you're at with your friends, you have to invite me. I didn't ask them to set me up because men's natural responses, all of my friends are jerks or idiots. You don't want to date them or I don't know if anyone is single. No, no, no. I just said next time you're out with your friends, please invite me. And a week later, one of those guys was like, hey, I'm going to be in Boston. I was in New York. I'm going to be in Boston. I'm going to be out with my friends. I'm

to be out with my friends. Do you want to come? Sure, I came. There were nine guys there. Half of them were in relationships. That's okay. Four of them were not. And, they were all great guys, but the one that was my match, ultimately ended up being my husband. Wow. So there are ways to meet people. You just have to reverse engineer what you're looking for and be completely unapologetic about it. I love that. Well, okay, so for people that are out there and they're on apps and, you know, you mentioned

like this kind of snap judgment that everybody's making as they're just swiping, I would imagine like you make a decision about whether to swipe on somebody in less than a second or a second, right, based on what they look like, or I don't know, like, the layout of the apps nowadays. But if somebody is trying to meet somebody for like a long-term relationship, they're trying to meet their person, I'm sure it's different for everybody.

But what are some things or some tips that you might have for like navigating the app and just the constant influx of options that there are? So, you know, to hack the online dating app to get more optimal swipes, it's really important that your first photo is of just you looking into the camera, smiling, and there has to be a colorful photo. This is not the place to put your black and white studio photography.

This is not the place to put in your LinkedIn bio photo. This is a place to put a nice photo of you, hopefully outdoors, smiling into the camera. And if you don't have any, honestly, just prop up your camera on anything and just take 100 photos and pick your favorite one. And that, that'll work. But, you know, it's bust up. So it doesn't have to be, I don't need you to be full body size here. And your second photo should be a full body.

size. And those first two photos should be a very accurate depiction of what you look like today. So, you know, and that said, that that really helps with people kind of putting their best foot forward. Filling out the prompts and, you know, making, giving it unique answers, not the right answer, but the unique answer is also incredibly important. And what I mean by that is, you know, there's this one prompt on hinge that's like, the hallmark of a good relationship is. And I've seen people respond to this with the right answer, which is the hallmark of a good relationship is someone who I can be very open and vulnerable with, who supports me and I admire.

That's a great answer, but that's not the answer you're looking for online. Online, everything should be thought as like a message beat. Like, how can I get people to learn about me and then also self-select who should be messaging me? So if you ask me how I would answer that question, the hallmark of a good relationship is where we can,

the hallmark of a good relationship is listening to a podcast about serial killers as we drive to our date night at a comedy club followed by sushi and cocktails. I've suddenly given you a picture of what it's like to date me on a Sunday with that answer, right? And it has nothing to do with like, you know, shared values. That's like the given. That's the given, right? It's like you have to find ways to kind of like be unique online that lets people not only self-select like who should be dating you, but also message you about this. Oh my God, tell me more about the stand-up comedy you like to listen to because, hey, let me tell you, if you tell people that you like stand-up comedy, that's such a great way to not only get people to ask you questions about the stand-up comedy you like, but also learn about like the standard of comedy, but also learn about the kind of person who likes the nuanced humor of a rest of development, it might not be the same person who thinks that two and a half men is the best sitcom ever made.

I won't tell my husband that. What? Two and a half. He created two and a half men. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my God. I did not say that.

I'm so sorry. That's hilarious. No, no, no. It's okay. I did not know that. Please don't. Oh, God. He's in on the joke.

It's okay. I haven't blushed like this in a while. So great. That should be in the trailer. I want to keep it in if you're okay with us. That's fine. No, keep it in. I think that's like the funny. I'm going to, if you cannot wait to like, group message everyone I know about what I just said. Who's your husband? Tell me more about your husband. No, I'm dying. It's funny. Like, we'll see reruns come on and he's like, this could like never happen today. No, no. Half of the office could not happen today. And I love Brick Daniels. Like, no, I do you know what? Do you know what show is, I love, I love, I love, like, I think.

has kind of, I think has kind of held up, but it's only because it knows how to make a joke with itself. I think Scrubs has really held up its end of the bargain in terms of like timeliness. Because, you know, the thing that hurts a lot of times when it comes to like showing relationships and problems is that there's no, there are cell phones now. Like when you watch friends, half of the plotlines don't make sense in 2022 because you have mobile phones. And a lot of those mixups mixups just don't, you know, they don't make sense now. And then scrubs, because they're doctors, because they can't necessarily be on Instagram and Facebook all day, they actually have to take care of patients and put their phones away, a lot of their plot lines really do make sense in,

in today's world. It's also why Greas Anatomy has such a had long run, I think. It's like way less of the phone drama, you know, because how much of, how much of sex in the city does it make sense? Old Sex and the City with phones now, you know? I was watching it last night and I was like, this would never happen. Like when her friends don't show up for her birthday party and she doesn't hear from them. Or like, you know, in Paris, when all of those people show up to do that book party, like that would, they would stick around that, you know what would have happened in 2022? She would show stories at Alexander Petrovsky's gallery and she would say, hey, I'm going to be

at the cafe in one hour, just running late. And people would be, first of all, people would be so excited about having a story with Carrie Bradshaw for the clout. Right. on Instagram and TikTok, there's just no, they would wait three more hours. Yeah. For her to show up at the restaurant. So like some of these things don't make sense now.

And yeah, I don't, yeah. That's interesting about Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy. I never thought of that. Most medical shows make a lot of sense now. Like they don't lose their timeliness because there's no cell phones allowed in those areas. Like ER would probably hold up. ER holds up. I mean, honestly, even law and order, that holds up so well.

I mean, what makes the last two or three seasons really good is that they don't necessarily solve the crime at the end of, I don't know if you've noticed this, but in most law and order, SVU episodes, the crime is solved by the end of the episode, which statistically just does not make sense. The majority of cases do not go solve in a week or two in New York City or anywhere in the United States, because we don't have to put that many resources on helping children and disadvantaged people as much as we should. But that being said, the last three seasons, I don't know if there's a lot of. a new showrunner, but they don't, a lot of those cases don't get solved. They get solved like two years later. They're just like holding on to the plot line and I'm like, this is good television. Interesting. Sorry, I've taken a complete veer off, but this is interesting to me. So I love it. Okay. So say somebody is on an app. They match with somebody. A lot of people had questions around like, should, if it's like a male female, should the guy ask the girl out first? Absolutely.

85% of men have responded. They would love it. If, a woman ask them out first. Okay. Yeah. If the woman, if the woman does. Yeah. Okay. I think it's totally fine. I don't think it, it doesn't matter. Okay. It really doesn't matter. And then my other question was, do you think people should like FaceTime before they actually go out for another date? I know that you say that you should schedule a date within like 24 to 72 hours or something, right? Like very quick so that you don't get into the whole texting thing and then your pen pals and all of that. So can you talk about that a little bit? Um, yeah. So, I don't want you to become pen pals

and I don't want you to share your phone number before. You know, like, keep as much communication on the app as possible because we have conducted our own studies that show that, like, the moment you exchange phone numbers, the chances of your meeting in person has just decreases significantly. It's one thing to share your number on the day of the date. So, like, I know some people, they want to, oh, I need him to confirm on the day of.

And if he doesn't, you know, I'm going to cancel the date. No, no, no, no. Take away your games. And instead, if you're online dating, you know, here's the trick. What you do is you start. let's say it's Monday, right? Because today is Monday and you meet someone today. You message a few messages back and forth. What you're going to do is you're going to say, hey, now if you feel

like you more, if people over 35 feel actually more comfortable doing face time dates first and I get it, so they'll say stuff like, hey, do you want to, you would say on a Monday night is, hey, do you want to do a face time date in one hour or tomorrow at 7 p.m.? I'd love to take this. I'd love to get to know you. Or you could say, hey, you seem really interesting. I'd love to meet you in person. Can you do Tuesday or Thursday at 7 p.m. or excuse me, that's way too close. But like, can you say, like, can you do Wednesday or Thursday at 7 p.m.? And if you can't date within the next 10 days, just don't go online.

That's what's my thinking here. Like, if you can't meet physically on a day for the next 10 days, don't do that. That's just a waste of everyone's time. Your ego boosting and you're never going to admit it, but you are. Stop it. So anyway, so let's say it's a Monday. You say, I want to meet with you. Can you do Wednesday or Thursday?

Let's say they respond with, I can do Wednesday. Fantastic. Here is where I'm located to help you with planning. So it's now as a woman who've asked him out, but now he has to plan the date, which is genius. And then once he tells you where it is, great, I will message you on Tuesday to confirm the date. I can't wait to meet you. Like, you stop communicating. And then what you could do on Tuesday, if you feel like you need that confirmation, you could say, hey, I'm excited to me tonight.

Here is my phone number in case of emergencies. And that way, like, you now you have, you know, he has your number. It does not mean anything if he doesn't message you before the date. it just means like, okay, great, like that's it. You know, like, that's all you want to hear. I don't need him to text to all that stuff. Now, if he responds back with, you know, Tuesday and Wednesday, over for me, but this day does, that's a great sign.

Fantastic. Set up the date. Again, I live in, you know, this neighborhood or the city to help me with planning. If he doesn't respond back with a day or time, and if he says, you know what, I'd really like to just get to keep talking before we do that, you know, that's it. That's the end of that. You're going to say, you know what? I'm actually here to meet people offline. and I don't want to have a pen pal,

but good luck on your search. Like, I don't, I don't forgive this. Because, you know, while you're doing is you're planning ahead, right? So it's like, what, it's Monday and you can't plan for Thursday. And we can still talk in between that a little bit. But like, you're already saying your note of my Thursday, you're not interested. This is an ego boost.

You're pen paling. I'm done. You don't have to accuse them of that, but there's a way to, like, give yourself permission to let it go. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm just thinking of. You've glazed over, Ariel, because you don't know, you know, you know that you don't online date. So it's like this right now. Someone is writing it down.

I was thinking about a guy that before I was with my husband, obviously. And we, I think I met him on Bumble. And we exchanged numbers and we were like texting, texting, texting, text like very much pen pals. We did date as well, but we were so good on text. And then in person, we just like didn't have that same thing. Right. And, but we were so good. on text that we like kept dating. But everyone is good on text because you put up this expectations. And you know, if you don't believe me that there's a decrease on you when you texting to like meeting in person, think about the last time you were DMing with someone,

like DMing on Instagram. Like maybe it was like a high school friend or a college friend that you're reconnecting in DMs. And suddenly someone says, hey, this is my cell phone. Let's connect there. And then you never message them again. This happens to everybody once a month. I'm not, you know, so it's like, of course it's going to happen with a stranger.

keep your communication on the app as much as possible. And I don't want you mess. This is why I keep saying like going a day within the next 48 to 72 hours, I don't want you marathon texting a stranger because your expectations do get so high that reality is just never going to meet expectations. As you probably know, I've been traveling for the last few weeks, eating all the things, all the pasta, all the pizza, pretty much everything you could imagine. So let me tell you how I've been starting my day.

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if people will sleep with each other on the first, second, second, day, third day. That's your business. It's your body. You do what you want. In fact, I used to tell people like, oh, I remember going to date with a guy and thinking like, oh, yeah, there's never going to be a second date. Let's sleep. sleep with each other. Like, you know, ho-phase them. I don't care. But 12-D-Rules, there's a method I've created to help women discover if they feel emotionally compatible with the person that they're dating.

So I think what happens, not I think, science has shown us that when women and men have sex, there is a release of the oxytocin hormone. And women, it's, it kind of creates these blinders, like a physical blinder that does not allow you to see the pink and red flags of a person. And, you know, if you're wondering, like, oh, I have a friend who's in a bad relationship, how come she can't see that he's so bad, all these red flags, because she's dignitized. She had sex, and that oxytocin is like no joke.

And you can get that at 12 days, you can get that on the first date. But what if I told you that if you met someone and within, if you were to have sex within the first week, it would take four to seven months of discovery for emotionally compatible because of that drug. But if you give yourself two or three weeks, which is what typically takes people for 12 dates, and I'll define the 12 date rule in a minute.

But if you gave it two or three weeks to get to know someone, you might discover that you're really not into them actually and that sex could have been a massive distraction and you might not want to keep dating them and break up with them or maybe you really do feel like you're emotionally compatible and you know you want to be, you want to have sex with them.

So this is for people who want to be in serious relationships with people that they're complete strangers with. And to discover if you're emotionally compatible, I just want you to answer four things. One, what's he like on a bad day? Two, what are they like on a good day? Three, how do they react when you're having a bad day? and four, and this is the most important one,

how do you react when you're having a good day? I think like 30% of men are avoided attachment styles. So many men are narcissistic abusers, and a lot of that has to do with other things, but whatever, right? Like they're not to say that women are not narcissists or avoid it, but a lot of men are. And, you know, I don't want to put yourself in a position where, like, you get a promotion.

And instead of him high-fiving and buying you champagne, he's like, great. Now I'm never going to see you because that happens to a lot of women, right? and I don't want women to be emotionally incompatible with someone who's just not 100% present, support, and also, you know, growing their emotional resilience. Now, when I say 12 days, I think people think you have to physically go out on 12 dates and no, I believe a date is anything that is a phone call, a video call, or in person that lasts more than 20 minutes. So 20 minutes of three hours, that is what I consider a date. Now, if you go on, you can have a maximum of two dates in one day.

So let's say you go on a six, an eight hour marathon date. Many people do, right? They go for brunch, then they go for a walk, then they get ice cream, then they go for a movie. That's like a very typical experience. A lot of people have at least once a year. That doesn't mean you went on three dates. That means you went on two dates for that particular day. And it's very easy to get to 12 dates if you're intentional about it.

Like if I just told you that a 20 minute phone call counts as a date, you're going to spend time a little bit on the phone to rack up that time for the 12 date rule. but you'll also discover a lot on a phone call, right? And also, if you look at your phone history, you'll see that you don't have a lot of phone calls with people for over 20 minutes. So it's intentional to talk to someone for that long, but you're also going to get to know them a little bit better.

And you might discover that you really don't want to be with them. Can you talk a little bit about also like the main pillars of compatibility for a long-term relationship? So yeah, you know, this is something that I'm actually having a session. on this, I don't know when your episode comes out, but I do have a session on this towards the end of May where I talk a lot more about the five pillars of compatibility. But those are things that, you know, that I've kind of, let's say I've developed in my office having set up over 4,000 first states and, you know, hundreds of clients that ultimately we tend to be, you know,

we're compatible between our values and lifestyles, but those things rest between five pillars. and that's, you know, in no particular order, financial compatibility, emotional compatibility, intellectual compatibility, physical compatibility, and spiritual compatibility. And in knowing that, you know, there are ways that I think, you know, a lot of women, they tend to hear, oh, you're picky. And it's like, I don't think people tend to be picky. I think sometimes the picker is broken. You know, we are unable to articulate, you know, what exactly we're looking for.

And that's what I tend to fix with our coaching programs with a Gopi intensive. or our retreats or sessions, we tend to try to help women fix the picker. So I don't think most women are picky. I think sometimes articulating to reverse engineer that search can be very difficult. And do you think that people have to be like equally matched across all five of those things? Or can it be a little bit, I don't know,

if someone is four of them and then like maybe a little bit deficient spiritually or something like that? Or does it just depend on the people? and what's like the most important to them. I think everyone in these pillars is so personal, right? Like if I asked you to fulfill a matrix and I asked your best friend to do it, even though your best friends, you probably share a lot of values the same, your pillars are going to be filled out like completely different from each other. So that is so personal to people.

But ultimately, like I think if you were to look at, you know, who you're with, compatibility shifts, right? And so you have to give grace to certain pillars at, what has happening. So for instance, you know, you obviously ultimately want to be 100% on all, but I always say that at least two pillars are going to probably orbit around 80% depending on what's happening in your life. If you're, if you have a child and it's sick, even just like with, you know, just like a like RSV and you might end up in the hospital. Does that happen to me and my husband last year? Your emotional compatibility does get stressed because not that I'm not

compatible with my partner, but there is a stress in life. When your parent passes away, because eventually our parents will die. Your coping mechanism on this is going to affect your relationship with your spouse. Grief can do very interesting things to someone if you lose your job. Your financial compatibility might be affected. Your intellectual compatibility may be affected. There are ways to supplement things. If you feel like, you know, emotionally you're not at 100%,

and that's something I think we should all strive for, you can use a couples therapist. There's no shame using couples therapy to teach you the tools to help communicate with your partner. Same with financial compatibility. My husband and I, we share a lot of, we're very open with our financial stuff, but we also have a financial advisor to help us figure out the things that we don't know what to do. You know, you have to know, oh, I don't know how to do this. So let's use a financial advisor to teach us these things.

So, you know, in all of these pillars, it's not about finding the perfect person. It's about finding the person that is going to be emotionally resilient with you throughout your life because the ebb and flow of life presents a lot of challenges. Right. We don't, none of us have perfect lives and none of us have perfect days or perfect weeks or perfect months. Our children do get sick. Our parents will die. We might lose our job. We might survive a pandemic. The point is here is like how much of your, the design of your relationship can withstand these challenges. Yeah, I love that. How resilient is someone going to be with you? I can't remember how you phrased it. But yeah, that's very, very true. So to that point, do you believe that somebody has a perfect match, a soulmate? Do you believe in finding it, quote, unquote, the one? Or is it just finding somebody who shares these same values and somebody who you have the same pillars and the same importance? important things and you are compatible in those ways? I think that, you know, when I look at compatibility, I account for temperament, like, you know, how you do, why you do these things. I look for shared values and lifestyle. But I also look for opportunity, right? Like, you know, I don't, I think what

Solme, I think what confuses people is that like, Solme requires that opportunity exists at that exact moment with that right person. And I think that you might have multiple. people that you could have been compatible with, right? I don't believe in the one. And I really don't believe in the one that got away. I think that ultimately you're going to find someone that you can stand for a many time, you know, for a long time and someone that you genuinely like. And I think that's actually really important in relationships,

that the likeability factor, right? Science has shown that, like, I know this study by the NIH has shown in relationship science that, like, if you communicate to your partner 10 minutes a day, non-maintenance talk, right? So don't talk about the house. Don't talk about your job. Don't talk about the kids. Don't talk about, you know, the things around the house or whatever, that your relationship can go the distance for a very long time if, you know, by doing that one thing every day. And by just talking to your partner for 10 minutes a day, non-maintenance talk. And I know that might sound like, oh, why wouldn't I talk to my partner for 10 minutes a day? But yeah, if you see this person

for seven years every day, there's a lot less things to talk about unless you go out of your way to do likable things. And I think it's very easy to fall in love, but it's very hard to like someone and choose to like someone for the next 40 or 50 years. And same with you, right? It's very hard for someone to like you for the next 40 and 50 years. And so you have to do likable things as well. It's like funny. Like I think my husband and I, we go out of our way to like listen to podcasts and read the newspaper and, you know, follow certain YouTube channels that we think are interesting because then we share these things with each other every day. Like when we're having dinner, read this or hey, I heard about this or what do you think about this?

Like my husband and I, we are constantly knowledge sharing. And look, ultimately in our pillars at the top, at the very top for both of us, we wanted someone who was intellectually curious and that works for us. There are other couples who don't have that. But they could talk about other things in those 10 minutes that maybe, you know, defines them in their lifestyle as well. So do you not believe in right person wrong time? No.

Like, no, not at all. because we live in a four-dimensional world, right? So like who Ariel, okay, so if Ariel was standing at the corner of 36th and Fifth Avenue, 36th Avenue, New York on Monday at 7 p.m., that counts for four dimensions, right? So now we know your latitude, your longitude. We know the time and day, and the fourth is your height. So these are four dimensions, right? If you were to stand on that corner a week from now, the thing that's the most

different is the time, that fourth dimension. And ultimately, like for the one that got away, that means that all of the opportunities would have had been the same. Like, you are an entirely different person a week from now, right? In that week, you're going to learn new things. You're going to have new conversations. Something about you is going to change. Even if you can't perceive it, something has changed, right? Because you've had another week of life experience. So for the one that got away, all of these opportunities have to exist in the same place. Like, I think about people who I've had someone say to me, you are the one that got away. I've had that said to me two times. And it's like, well, no, you decided not to date me at that time based on the opportunities you had at that time available to you.

If you wanted to date me right now, like if I were single right now, you and I are still not compatible because I'm no longer interested. Like, or you might, you're, you might be interested me because I'm married and I'm not available to you anymore. But if I were single right now, who's to say that you would still come into that opportunity? you've learned new things in that time. So there's a lot of assumptions I think people make when they think of like the one that got away. I don't believe in it

because that just really ignores the opportunity that existed in that time when you could have dated that person. You made a choice. Like it was intentional. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. I like that. Okay. Well, I want to make sure we get some listener questions in. So,

oh, well, I know the answer. to this because I follow you. But when should somebody move in if they're in a long-term relationship? After they're engaged. It's easier to break up at engagement than to get out of a lease, if I'm being honest. I know people don't believe me, but it's true. Like, like, people will stay in really piss poor marriages because they have six months left to their, to their, or as an engagement, it's like, you know, that's usually a reason for at least a break, too. So I would, yeah, I would not leave moving with someone until you're engaged. if you're like, well, I need to know what they're like.

It's like, yeah, go on vacation. Go through IKEA. There's a lot of ways to learn what someone is like. You don't have to live with them to discover that. You're just ignoring things while you're dating and you're like, I have to live with them. It's like, no, most people, they want to live with each other because they want to like decrease their rent, I think, which is I get that. That's totally valid. But at the same time, it's like, you know, you are, you know, who you marry has such, especially as women, has such a effect on your future.

I mean, who you marry is the biggest decision you'll make from like a financial perspective and also from a safety perspective considering like so many women have been hurt by the partners that are in their homes. And not that that's a woman's fault at all. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. But like who you pick is really important because you're also talking about someone who could possibly be the father of your kids or the mother of your kids. And you should not be making that decision the way you would make a decision of who you would be roommates with off of Craigslist. So yeah.

Somebody said how to get over an ex, I feel like he's the love of my life and I'm heartbroken. It's valid. It's totally valid to feel heartbroken. I think it's okay to sit in those feelings. I think therapy can help as well. I really do like group travel for this reason. Group travel has such a way of getting people out of their funk

when they're feeling it and also just like making new relationships to show you like, you know, now you're going to have a whole new life where you meet new people that that person has no idea of and you can kind of build off of those opportunities of those people. But yeah, it's okay to be heartbroken. It just takes time.

I'm sure this is so arbitrary. Is there amount of time that you think people should wait after ending a relationship together? No, okay. But it's okay to date without the intention of like being, you know, you can just date to date and just tell people like, hey, I know I broke up

but I'm just dating a date, just learning about myself. Some people are cool with that. There's a lot of people who just want to date casually too. So, but I don't think you need to do that. If you feel like you want to wait, wait. If you feel burnt out, wait. But otherwise, it's okay to start.

Okay. Is it worth it to stay with someone, even though you know they aren't, quote, unquote, the one? I mean, it depends on your age. And if they also are not, I don't have the same intentions. Like, if you're under 25, I think it's okay to date people just to date them.

You shouldn't know that they're the one. You should just be dating and having experiences. But I think if you're over the age, of 28 and you you want to have kids, I wouldn't date someone for more than six months if I didn't feel like maybe there's a possibility I could be with this person, like this is my person. I'm not saying you have to know that, but if you already know they're not, I don't know if I'd waste time with that person. Yeah. How to get over a guy you never dated? Four months. Four months. I think I don't have a study on this. I usually like to refer to studies, but it's

personal experiences that like crushes tend to last four months. Okay. Put a timer on it. That's funny. This person said, I'm divorced how to get men to be real about whether they want to get married again or not. Ask them. Do you envision yourself getting married again?

And then whatever answer they give you, believe them. If they're like, I don't know, or maybe, that's a no. They're just trying not to hurt your feelings. And that's okay to say,

well, you know, I want to get married. So if that's not, if you already know, then I don't want to waste your time or mine. It's okay to be forthright. And it's okay to do this in the beginning. Like I think people are like,

oh, I got to wait three months to ask these questions. No, I would ask them like a week in. My husband and I had this conversation. One minute phone calls. That's when you do them. We had it second date. We were like, do you want kids? Do you want to get married?

Yeah. Same thing. On my second date, I remember my husband asking me, I don't know what the hell you asked me. I don't remember ever, but I remember the answer. I remember thinking like, you know,

I would really love my next serious relationship to lead to marriage and kids. And he was like, oh yeah, I mean too. And I'm like, cool. And then just moved on.

Like it was not a big deal. Like, what's the worst that could happen? He'd be like, that's not for me. Okay, bye. Like, great.

I don't have to date you for six months to discover that. Like, cancel them out. It's fine. That's how I feel like people are so afraid of turning the other person off. But it's like,

can, I think that there are, dating influencers, let's call them. And I know I'm one of them, but the difference is that I actually own a dating company and I have plenty of mentors and I read the studies. I'm part of the relationship science studies. Like I'm in this.

I live this. But there are other people who have, I call them dating influencers or dating micro influencers because they're single and they have a podcast and suddenly they're experts. And I appreciate the knowledge that they can give about their dating experiences, right? but I think what a lot of these people do is that they're teaching, not all of them,

but a lot of them teach women that it's not okay to chase. When the word chase is being misused, like telling a person what you're looking for in the first two weeks of dating them, that's not chasing, that's not desperation. That's just you being vulnerable and telling people your truth. And it's going to get people to tap out. And that's okay. I remember I went on a first date with a guy and he said, he said to me at the end of our first state, like, I want to see you again.

I can tell you're looking for something serious and I'm not there yet, but I'd love to see you again. I was like, nope, I believe you. You know, you're right. I am looking for something serious. And I don't expect you to know that, but the fact that you would say that tells me that you're letting me know in your own way that you and I are never going to date. And thank you for telling me that.

You know, so you've got to believe people. Yeah. People show you who they are. people tell you who they are and you have to listen. And I think what happens is people will say like, I think other women would respond to that. And he had told me that that's what's happened to him in the past as well because we had a very honest conversation a few months later.

But, you know, other women will respond. And many women do, they'll say stuff like, oh, well, I'm not looking for something. We just met. What are you talking about? Like, I just want to get to know you. And then they'll think to themselves like, wait until he sees how I cook.

Wait until he sees how much fun I am. When until he sees how funny am, when until he sees him my blow jobs. Like, they will convince that. They'll convince him to go on dates. And that's actually not. not going to happen. The guy is telling you in the first few dates, like, oh, I don't know if I believe in titles

or I don't really know if I'm there right now. Believe them. Right. Yeah. Okay. So another game is like the texting game, waiting to text. No. Okay.

Don't do that. That's another thing, those dating influencers, that army of influencers, they do that. They say that. Like, if he doesn't, if he doesn't confirm by 2 p.m., the date is canceled, what? If you need to confirm, just text them. But if a guy texts you, if a woman texts you, like, just text back. Like honestly, you know, if you want someone who likes to play games, then by all means, play the game.

But if you want someone who has a secure attachment style, when they text you, if you are able to text them back, text them back. If you're not able, don't worry about it. You'll get to it when you get to it. But you have to teach people how to treat you. And if you are texting them and it takes them every time, six hours to get back to you, tell them like, hey, every time I text you,

I immediately respond, but it takes a really long time. time for you to get back to me. Is everything okay? I mean, I wouldn't do this right away. I think that's very telling if someone's doing that to you, but, you know, if it's a month in, you know, like, be like, if texting is not available to you, you can always do it at night and we could just talk. It's not a big deal. You know, some people also, you know, contrary to popular relief, some people really do suck at texting. And they'd rather just ask them like, you know, if you suck a texting, can we just have a phone call every night? Well, we get to know each other and they might say yes. Yeah. Yeah. I can remember, like, I feel like people think that

it makes them seem more desirable or something to be like not communicative for me. I just shut down. I'm like, nope, I can't. Like, I just can't. But my husband, he's of a different generation. So he is not a textor. He's not glued to his phone all the time. We just never were texting.

And that was fine because that's just not who he is. But for people who I know are on their phone all the time and they're not answering, I'm like, I'm out. Yeah. Goodbye. Yeah. Okay, let me see if I have one more good one. So this is on your Instagram, but I just wanted to see if you would talk about it here

because I think it's a good differentiation between settling and settling down. Can you expand on that a little bit? Because I feel like people are worried that there are, I think people, especially now with the apps and like so many options and never really fully having to commit because maybe there's something better, I think a lot of people feel like, well, am I settling? So. Settling at the mindset, right?

Settling down is a verb. So if you are a person who wants to settle down, then you have to actually do that. That doesn't mean you're settling. And I think people confuse those out all the time. And it's bound to get confusing because we tend to say settling a lot. And instead you have to say, like, I want to settle down. And, you know, get rid of those two words in general out of your vernacular. It should just be like, you know, is this someone I could like for the next 20 years,

years of my life. And if it's not, then, okay, move on. Give yourself permission to let it go. Instead of saying the word settling down or settling, just remove those. Don't talk about those anymore and just say, like, do I like this person? Yeah. Can I like them for 30 more years? Yeah. Okay, great. But I'm not settling. This is my person. Got it. Okay. Well, I like to ask all of my guests, what's one thing we should or could start doing today and one thing to stop doing today. And you can do that as it applies to dating, relationships, whatever. Ooh, that's really good. Okay.

When is this airing? I might actually put it out next Wednesday. Okay. So we should go online and learn if we are registered to vote. Just confirm it. You might think you are and you might not be. So just confirm it. It takes one minute, learn if you're registered to vote.

And if you're at the right polling place, know where you're polling places and know where your primaries are if you're registered with a certain person. party and also, you know, remind yourself that, you know, elections are, are coming up in November midterm elections. So that is one thing you should be doing today. And what things to stop? Hmm. I don't know. I hate telling adult people what to stop doing. You know, stop putting up photos of your friends online or photos of your nieces and nephews online. That's like grossly inappropriate. The photos of you should be just of mostly of just you unless that you have to put up like a hiking photo with your friend that's not in there, not the center of attention. I can't tell you how many

people have photos that are like groups of friends. And I'm like, I don't care about your group of friends. But definitely don't put photos of kids. Even if they're your own kids, don't put photos of kids. There's a way to thread in that you're a crazy auntie or uncle or a happy and busy single mom or dad without putting your kids' faces on your dating app. Amazing. Well, where can everybody find you? How can people work with you? All about. You know, the best way to find me is actually on Instagram at Matchmaker Maria. If you want to work with me, you can go to agopimatch.com. But I have a lot of other cool stuff on Instagram and the link in my bio there can

redirect you to all those different things, including, you know, learning about matchmaking, but also learning about our upcoming retreats. Like I have a retreat happening in Greece next month, which that's sold out. But I have another retreat happening in Tallum in November and love to have your listeners join me there. So, you know, we always do fun things like that. And that can be found in the link in my bio on Instagram. matchmaker Maria. Perfect. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me, Ariel.

I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode. there or over on my personal page at area lorry.