Well with Arielle Lorre - 193: Confidence, Dating Tips & Originality with The Queen of Confidence, Serena Kerrigan

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

In this episode, I chat with The Queen of Confidence, Serena Kerrigan, about all aspects of confidence. We talk about it in terms of self, building confidence, and the positive self-talk that's changed her life. We also talk about it in terms of others; how to not rely on external validation and staying original/true to yourself amidst the noise. We wrap things up with her confident dating tips which might have been my personal favorite part of the show!   Use code BLONDE at checkout for $20 off your first service or online order. Visit facefoundrie.com or @facefoundrie on IG for more information.   Download the Alto app and use code BLONDE in the Promotions section for $20 off your first 2 rides.   Save 15% off sitewide when you go to JustThriveHealth.com and use promo code: BLONDE at checkout.   Right now, LMNT is offering my listeners a free sample pack with any order. Get yours at DrinkLMNT.com/BLONDEFILES.   Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the Blonde Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry, and I'm here to talk all things, wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits, and I'm bringing it to you real and unfiltered. I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. Today's episode is for anybody who has struggled or struggled with confidence. I am talking to the internet's queen of confidence, Serena Kerrigan, and we are delving into all aspects of confidence. We talk about it in terms of self. We talk about building confidence and the positive self-talk that has changed her life. She has a strategy that I employed. I employed.

after hearing her on other podcasts and following her on TikTok. And it really does make a difference. So make sure you guys listen because I think it will really help you too. We also talk about it in terms of others. So not relying on external validation and being original. And then we wrap things up with her confident dating tips, which might have been my personal favorite part of the show. So make sure you guys listen through to the end.

We have a really good conversation. So I hope you guys enjoy Serena Kerrigan. Welcome, Serena. I'm so excited to have you here. Thank you so much for having me. I love it. Can't wait to dive. I have to say, you were on my radar for a while,

but I really got hooked during the whole Miami dating situation, which I think was like kind of a turning point for you probably in your content creation. We can talk about that. But that was so entertaining, so riveting during a time when like everybody, was kind of still in lockdown and all of that. So I want to talk about kind of the trajectory of your career a little bit and how it's evolved. But to begin, why don't you just kind of tell the audience a little bit about who you are and what you do? Sounds great. Yes, Miami guy. We can

absolutely demonstrate if your, you know, listeners haven't seen that content yet. My name is Serena Kargan. Serena fucking Kerrigan. I changed my Melanie when I was 18. I used to be really insecure and I created this persona, SFK, who's larger than life, and she's a bad bitch. And I really leaned into that, you know, in college and postgrad. And I was a producer of a refinery 29, creating video content for them. I left my job two weeks before the pandemic. I created a live dating show on Instagram. I dated 50 guys in 2020 over the course of three seasons. I created a card game based off of the show. I have three iterations of that. And then, yes, I did go to Miami to meet a random guy met on a dating app and I reported the whole thing on TikTok. It was like a real-time

reality show, which is essentially what I did during the pandemic as well. It was fun to try a different format, like using TikTok versus Instagram Live. So I want to go back kind of to the beginning. Like what was your kind of mindset? What was confidence like for you before you kind of had that shift and you changed your name and you adopted this confident kind of persona? I think it was lack of control, was really what I felt like. I felt like my happiness and my self-worth was always dependent on the other. So if a girl didn't like my outfit, if a guy didn't want to hook up with me, if, you know, I didn't do well in a test. I felt like anything that I wasn't receiving positive external validation, then my entire sense of self was, you know, in shambles. And I got to a point where I was starting a new experience. I was going to Duke, where there were a lot of various

smart, beautiful, wealthy people. And I was like, I have an opportunity here, you know, and if I, to reinvent myself, and if I am reliant in these next four years on like other people and the potential of their thought, right? It's not even like they think poorly of me, but they could. If I'm always on edge worried about what people think, then I'll never, I'm not going to enjoy these four years. And it was such a gift to go to that school. So I was like, we got to just kind of like shift our mindset here. And I think that that's what confidence is. It's having control. It's feeling like you are creating the narrative and the identity of who you are. And if people don't like it and if people speak badly of you, you know, it doesn't, it might puncture the armor.

You might feel like the, like a wound or like you might feel the stabbing, but it doesn't actually puncture. It doesn't create a hole, right? And I feel like that's what confidence is. It's like, it's really standing with yourself and being like, are the things I want to improve? Absolutely. do I wish I had Emerana's body sometimes. But ultimately, I don't and I do love myself like my best friend. And are there moments I don't like myself, of course.

But ultimately, I see myself and I treat myself with the respect that I would anyone else in my life that I really love. I don't talk badly about myself. I hide myself up when I'm feeling down. And I, again, it's just like I'm very verbal with how I talk to myself. Like, I literally talk to myself in the mirror. It's like one of my main principles in terms of confidence. I feel like we, you know, have been brainwashed as a society to hate ourselves. And we also know that's because when you were younger or even now, if you said, like,

I'm hot, someone's going to say you're really vain. You're full of yourself. You're cocky. But why is me saying I'm hot and you're hot? Why is that a problem, right? Like as long as you're lifting others up around you and not turning them down, then I think that's confidence. So much there that I want to kind of unpack. but back to the first thing that you were saying about like the external validation. I think that

that is so pertinent, especially like right now just with social media, even if whether you're a content creator, influencer, whatever or not, I think so many of us are on some level, like really reliant on that validation. Even if you have a private account with 100 followers, like you're still posting and you're like looking at the likes and all of that. So how have you managed to, like, sustain that mindset as you've kind of blown up and you're a content creator across all these platforms and you have so many things going on and you're really public and you do get a lot of external validation. And I'm assuming you also get like backlash. Right. So I think that's a really great point. And I think that there was a moment pretty recently, I would say maybe like

six months ago, you know, where I was so fixated on the number. I mean, like, what other career really exists where you have a numerical attachment to your face, to your content, to your work? Like, it's not like real, honestly. It's not and it's not what should measure success. But obviously, when there's a number, like, that's how you really attribute your success. And that, to me, was really difficult to unlearn. I think as the novelty of social media has begin to wear off, which I think we all agree,

it has, like it was at the height during the pandemic. And obviously, it helped watch my career and see, you know, fellow friends or creators, like blow up overnight. And then I don't know, I think in the last six months, I was just like, what actually makes me feel fulfilled? Is it a like? Or is it someone DMing me being like, because of you, I talk to myself in the mirror. And I'm beginning to like myself. Is it that yesterday I was on the street and a girl was in her car, screening at the top of her ones? S. Okay. You help me at my situation. So I prefer that.

That is to me, that is success. I could have a million followers and no one says that to me. I would have no real impact on their life. To me, that is what makes me feel the most fulfilled. And so I think it's about stepping outside of like, what do you really love to do and what makes you the most happy? What could I tell you? And then focus on how to constantly get better at achieving that.

That's what's really difficult about being a creator too. It's like you would get a viral video and then up, we got to come up with another one. And I think that the creator game is like, who has time for intention? You just got to keep pumping it out. Yeah, it's like more about the pace than anything now. I think that that, right, it depends what you want out of it. If you want the virality and you want the constant quick success and all the followers, sure, but what does that really mean to me like the most important thing to,

focus on is the community. Because the community is the one that's going to fire shit and sustain your business and sustain your brand. And the way to really create a community is by knowing the people in the community. Like, I have a group chat with a lot of my followers. I obviously love having a bigger audience. But the reason for that is because I genuinely, like, it makes me sick that women are taught to hate themselves. Like, it literally makes to be sick. And so I can have a bigger platform so I can help more and more women. That to me is what I'm really after. Do you ever feel tightness in your stomach sitting in like rush hour traffic or you feel sick to your stomach before a big presentation or something that is stressful to you?

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we're taught to hate ourselves. We're taught to be insecure. Social media, especially now, like praise off of that. And it's like very like, buy this, buy this. This will fix it. This will fix it. There's so much comparison. So what are some tips that you would have for somebody who's starting kind of like their baseline is like, I can't stop the negative self-talk. I'm comparing myself to like X, Y, and Z. And I don't love myself. And so it's the same way when I'm like, when you get to a street walk, you know, an intersection and there's a car coming at you. Do you stop or do you just keep walking? You have self-control. And it's hard. I'm saying like, when it comes to negative self-talk, it's really like it's intrusive thoughts, which everyone has.

We all have them. But it's really about being like, no, no, stop. Literally saying stop. Getting in front of your mirror and literally looking at your mirror and saying, so let's say, for example, I was thinking, you got ghosted because you're a worthless piece of shit that's ugly and not worthy of love and you'll end up single and dying alone. Okay.

They'll have that thought at one point. I know. Many things. Try it as well. So when you're thinking it, obviously it's really difficult to like stop it. But if you have to say that out loud, look at yourself and actually say those words, you're not going to be able to do that. That's so fucking mean.

That's so mean. You would never say that to your friend. If your friend came to you with the same problem, the same situation, you would act so differently. So if you can't, quote, just stop. then start saying what you're thinking out loud to yourself. Eye contact, try. You're not going to be able to do it. It's so fucking mean.

And it's like, I think that that's really major for that. And then really developing that relationship with yourself. I confidence coached a lot of women, 150 women during the pandemic. It was unbelievable how just the very act of like being able to look yourself in the mirror, make eye contact and just say something as simple as like, I love you. I got you. You're going to have a good day today. I know today was hard, but keep going.

I got you. I hope you have a great day today. Really building that relationship, I'm telling you, within a week, these women were like completely different people. Because think about it, you're literally, like you've neglected someone your whole life. And but that person is the one constant of your life. Why are we taught to not talk to them, to not love them? I give them that same love. You know, I get a lot of feedback that's like, well, it's so weird or I cry when I do it. I'm like, yeah, like, if, you know, someone was living with me for 27, 28 years and I never spoke a word to them. them and then I started speak to them, they probably would start crying too, right? So it's about that weirdness is positive change. And it's not be afraid of that. It's you.

It's you. I've heard you talk about like being your own best friend and it makes so much sense because like we are with ourselves for our entire lives. Why not try to like nurture that relationship like you would with a friend? And I actually did that this morning. So I woke up. I was telling you before we started recording. I was like, I feel like shit. How am I going to get through this day? I have so much to do. But, but, but, like all the negative stuff. And then I went to the mirror.

My best friend was here yesterday. And I was like, how would I talk to her if she was sitting in front of me right now telling me all of this stuff? I would be like, you are fucking amazing. Like, you got this. It might be hard, but you can do it. And there's something so vulnerable about it, like making eye contact with yourself. But it really does make a huge, huge difference.

It's the key. And it's free. Like, you just need to see yourself. Like, you're amazing. You need to see who you're talking to. And then so when you get those moments of the negative talk and the spiral, that is the moment that you don't go to your friend. You don't go to your boyfriend. You don't go to your mom. Go to yourself. And you try to talk yourself out of it. Because once you're able to do that, then when you read a mean comment about you on Reddit, it can't really have the same effect on you anymore. I was like on the whole train of like reading mean comments about me. It was weirdly addictive, you know, you know, nicotine, Reddit. Like it's just all. I'm all for constructive feedback. I don't have all the answers. I'm a fucking human being. I mean so many mistakes in my career, my life, et cetera.

But I take feedback very well and I'm very down for constructive criticism. But like when it's an anonymous person who I don't even know like who the fuck they are and they're just being mean, it just feels so counterproductive. And it made me feel very insecure and like not want to post. And so then I just said literally no more. Like no more. Like it is a form of self-harm to actively read comments that are mean about you. It's just it's just not helpful. And it's like I'm all for constructive feedback,

but from people that genuinely want me to become better, you have more power over your thoughts than you think. It's about putting on the blinders. and realizing that like your path is literally like no one else is. Like if we were cloned. We were closed. And I had Serena in London. Uh-huh.

Fucking killing it. Then yeah. I'd be like, okay. I don't know. It's like, Walker, right? But there's no Serena in London. There's no serena anyway.

There's no replica of us. That's crazy. That's so lucky. Like that's amazing. But that's all the more reason that you compare yourself to anyone is literally the biggest waste of time. Their journey, whether it's better or worse than yours, doesn't affect yours. The only thing that makes you better at what you do is focusing on the work.

Whether it's becoming a better person, becoming a better creator, becoming a better podcaster. It's how do I do this better? I mean, so focused on that. The second you look to anyone else, you're fucked because it's not going to make you any better for your job. Yeah. But there are creators that I really admire. And female entrepreneurs that have helped me so much in my own business.

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There are so many things that I'm thinking of right now. Just thinking about like the piece that you were saying before. I remember I had, I think it was a therapist on my podcast who said like we devote so much time and energy in our lives to thinking about what other people think about us. And like how do I know what anybody is thinking? And what they think about me is none of my business. And she said it's basically like a 20 second rule. Like somebody might think of you for 20 seconds and then go back to thinking about themselves. You know, it's never about you. It's always about them. Because whatever triggers them to think about you is connected to death. I know. A couple like two weeks ago, my husband and I filed for divorce and it was a

public thing. And we like had to put out a statement. And I knew that like it was going to be all over the news and we did it on a Friday afternoon. So it would kind of like blow over. And if that had happened a couple years ago, I would have been in the comments on TMZ reading every single one. But this time instead, I went into Instagram. I blocked all of the words that I thought somebody like his name, divorce, whatever. Like I can filter all that shit out. I didn't get one mean comment or I limited comments on my post. I was like, uh-uh, not going to see it this time. Like it doesn't. It doesn't. fucking matter. I didn't read any of the comments. I was so proud of myself. Out of sight. Out of fucking mind. I can't even begin to describe how important it is. Like,

break up. Congrats, by the way. Thank you. Literally, congrats. Like, let's like go. Best days motherfucking had. Break up, like, mean comments. Like, even honestly, even other people that make you feel insecure. It's okay. Like, it's okay to admit, like, this person seeing their success makes me feel a certain way. Great. Meet them. Yeah. Like, you have controlled. you can create boundaries. I think it's really scary how much time we're scrolling and looking out of people's lives on the internet. Like it's really fucking weird.

Like follow half-baked harvest. I don't. She's like a food content creator, but she's big. She has like 5 million followers on Instagram, I think. And she's been doing it for like 10 years. And she came on last week and she was like, I, it seems like I'm on all the time. And she's putting out content, like churning it out across TikTok, her website, Instagram, all of that.

But she's like, my screen time is like two hours because I don't scroll. She's like, I just don't look at what anybody else is doing. And that's also why she's so successful. Exactly. focused on her work, not what other content creators are doing. How do you do that on TikTok? Because I know that a lot of people are switching over to TikTok. I get a lot of questions from people who own businesses or are starting to try to like

have a presence online and all of that. But I feel like on TikTok so much of it is regurgitating trends and seeing what other people are doing and applying that to your own content. So how do you stay original? I mean, I think it's fun, like those little like moments, but that's not what's going to garner you in audience. Like I don't follow any creator that's only doing trends. All the creators I follow and that I know are super successful have created their own series. For me, it was like I literally went through a really tip, my first really viral video that kind of created. I think my ethos on TikTok, which is like the kind of, I would describe her as like the queen of confidence, like that kind of like tough love slap in the face that you needed, but like in the best, the nice Regina George, for example, with Regina George that really just wants you to love yourself.

That's my brand on there. And the first video I did was literally like a video to myself because I was in a situation ship and it wasn't a fuck yes. So it was an absolute fuck now. And that was like my big first video. And it was just like, all the excuses that we make for people, like for guys that don't want to date us. Like he's too busy at work. He just like says you're too close. Like he can't.

He's too busy like bullshit. All bullshit. If someone wants to be with you, they're going to be with you period. They're going to make time for you. But that video was really like kind of me talking to myself in my mirror being like, uh, la la, no,

no. And then that really set the stage for my content on TikTok. I think, yeah, obviously like the great thing about TikTok and I think it's filled into Instagram as well is that it's very casual. Like you can make a video, it can flop, no one gives a fuck. Like there was such a like, it has to be perfect and curated and had a million likes on Instagram. Like that doesn't exist on TikTok.

Yeah. That should make, you know, people that want to create or business owners like feel free to kind of just experiment and see what happens. If I don't know what to make, I'm like, what would Serena 10 years ago want to hear? What would Serena five years ago on here? Because at the end of the day, like the creators that I follow are offering me value, you know, whether it's how to dress, how to cook. Like it's for what value can you provide? So I can provide value to my 20-year-old self because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing in terms of like relationships and confidence. So I just simply talk to her.

I think it's really fun. I also, I just think it's also a mindset. Like are you watching TikTok and getting jealous of other creators? Are you watching it just because you want to enjoy it? It's like you can decide, you know, and get inspiration as well. How has all of this affected your dating life? Amazing questions. So, so it was interesting.

It's like obviously like I found success through a dating show that I created my living room, which is just so crazy that I did that. Like looking back two years ago, like I was literally like in quarantine just like I'm like, I'm just going to go live and like date guys blind on Instagram live. And then it just fucking went crazy, popped off. So I really set the stage like I'm the dater girl. I'm like the bachelorette who made herself the bachelorette because it's like having agency over your dating life, your career, whatever.

I love that brand. Then on TikTok, I did more of the confidence coaching. And then I finished that's fucking date. And then I was like still doing the dating content though, because everyone loves dating content. And then I did the Miami guy about like last winter. And I basically to let, you know, your listeners know, I went to Miami. And I met with the guy on Raya and he was like, you should come to Miami. And I was like, you won't like buy me a flight.

He was like, yeah, I will. And I was like, let's fucking go. And I just literally knew nothing about him. I just did it for the plot, which is my, my tagline. And it was, it was so fun. I obviously, like, have come from reality background. I did the dating show. Like, I am a producer as well.

I loved producing that whole Miami thing. I mean, it was real, but it was also like, I knew what I was doing. Yeah. It was so fun. I found that after I did that experience, I noticed such a shift in my dating life. Really? I think that, yeah, because I think it became really well, known like, oh, Serena's going to go on to date with you and she's going to blog the whole thing.

Yeah. Like, people know. Did he know at the time? Like, did he follow you on TikTok? No, of course. I like, you know, put his, like, I totally put him on blast with his, like, texts, like, his voice note, like, so funny. I remember.

It was like, I saw the TikTok. And I was like, he was actually amazing about the whole thing. Like, he was in on it. Or it's like, in the beginning he was like, fuck, no, don't do it. I was like, you're ready about the flight. You're fucked. Like, it's happening. And I said, I'll never put you on camera.

I'll never film you, like, ever that you're going. But then by the end, he was like, like, let me talk on a little bit, like in the background. Like, let me tell them how it's going. Tell them how it's going, Sarina. Like, he got into it because men love that shit. They love their eating stroked. Yeah. Right.

So he was actually like such a champ. And obviously, like, it fizzled out. But honestly, he actually just texted me being like, I'm in New York, like, let's hang. Like, we're friends now. Absolutely no interest in him romantically with Robert. But I found that when I got back to New York, there was a shift. And so I was like, I need to go on dates for content. And then no one really wanted to go on dates with me.

Or they did. But there was something about meshing my dating life and content and my job. Like, let's fucking date was okay because it was pandemic. It was like my star. Like it was really like it. But then now making my entire brand on TikTok as well, like the dating girl, going on dates just for content. And it began to really deplete me because I felt like if that video didn't do well, that not only did I have a really shitty time on the day that I went, you know, my video didn't do well either.

And I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously on dates because I also wasn't taking them seriously. Right. Using them as a content machine. And I found that I got really, really anxious because I didn't feel like I had control over any part of my life, like the personal, the private, or the public really. and I went to therapy. I started a new therapist. I have never talked about this before in a podcast. Like, I've never, like, talked about this.

But I really feel like, I realized that I was using the contents and the, I'm not ready to have a relationship. This isn't for me. This is for, like, I haven't focused on my career. Like, this can't, like, I need to as totally as a way to disguise what I really was going through, which was like, I had blockages.

I had things that I would need to work on personally. there was reasons why I was scared to like take it seriously. And I was using the excuse of being the like bad bitch self-empowered, all you need is yourself brand, which I had done really well as a way to avoid confronting what I really felt, which was fear about dating. So I decided therapy was super helpful. And then I just decided like, I'm done. Like I'm done the dating content.

And, you know, I met someone. and it's the first person I've never. And like, by the way, like, I'm not, I'm still single fully. But it was the first time that I was like, I'm absolutely not talking about this person on social media. It was the first time of ever anything. Like, you know, and I, and moving forward, like, I'm just not going to do it anymore. I kind of want a hard launch on my wedding.

I'm married bitch. I'm going to what? I love that. It's funny. I was thinking about that today because my soon-to-be ex-husband was super private. he was never on my content. But a lot of people are like, oh, my God, your content is going to get so much better because you're going to share your, like, strangers are saying this to me. Like, can't wait to see like you're dating. And I'm like, I don't think I ever really want to share that, though.

Like, it's so important to have boundaries with that stuff as a content creator, anybody. Like, you have to protect yourself. I feel like, I don't know. How do you have boundaries with it now? Well, I mean, that's the thing about SFK. Like, I think that, like, I think that, like, I, I am, okay, like, I feel like I created a persona on the internet, you know? Right now you're talking to Serena, but like on Instagram, like, I'm playing a role. And so I think a lot of like, you know, people are very, very confused in the beginning. They're like, who's this girl that's like yelling at me and she's what the hell? Who is this girl?

Happens more often than not. I only care about the people that actually take the time to get to know me. I can't like control people's, you know, 20 second thoughts about me. But I think that I thought a lot about, you know, is it better to play a character on the internet or to just be myself? And I really struggled because, and I ultimately decided I want to be a character. It depletes you. You can't put your whole, I mean, people can. I see creators do it all the time and then they get burnt out because they don't have anything for themselves.

I like having that barrier and that boundary because if someone doesn't like something or like they don't like SFCK, like that's fine. Like that's, you don't know the real me. And the real me is like, I'm protecting her for people that like are actually take the time to get to know me and are in my life. And that can be on the internet as well. You know, and I think that another thing I did in terms of my dating life was I told people that I started dating. I said, please don't look at my content.

Please don't follow me. Don't. I know they're going to, but I'm like, but please don't. Like that's not me. That's like, you know, I'm not like at your office watching you on fucking Excel, like doing gibberish. make a whole calculations. Like, I don't want you to watch me at work.

And a lot of the men that I've been dating, like, really respect that. True. I think that I'm setting the tone. And I think they're like, oh, wow. Versus I used to go on dates and be like, yeah. Like, I started a dating show. I have a card game. Like, I literally would want it because I am very proud of it.

But, like, that's not how to date. Yeah. What are some of your best tips or things? things that you've noticed have helped you when it comes to dating? Because I know, like, confidence is such a huge thing with people right now. And what's like your mindset when you go into a date? If you don't like yourself, like you have to date yourself first. And that means the mirror. No more negative self-talk. The mirror really nurturing that relationship to yourself. And it takes time, but you have to do that first. Because if not anytime someone rejects you, it confirms how you

actually feel about yourself, which is if it's bad, then and you spiral out of control. Or two, you settle for the first person that gives you attention, who might not even be on your level, which I used to do. You have to get to a headspace of like, you're the one choosing. You're not the one being chosen. Like, you are the one choosing?

Are they earned a second day with you? Have they earned a second drink with you? I get questions all the time. Like, I want to leave a date, but I feel bad. Feel bad for what? Like, if they can keep up, like, you don't have time. Like, time is the most valuable currency you can never get back. Do you recommend a FaceTime before an actual date?

I think it would save everyone a fuck ton of time. But like I didn't do it. I wish I did. I think that you know within the first three minutes if you like them around, I do think that if the date is a little, you're like a little hot and cold, definitely on the second date because sometimes I'm nervous. They tell you exactly who they are on the first date.

Everything about they tell you exactly who they are. Like it's just you see it. Like how they interact with you, how they interact with their server, how they show up, how they talk about themselves. It's really like once you love yourself and you realize that you're in a position of power and that you are choosing, first of all of a sudden, you seem more desirable.

And you also feel more in control. I also really detest this horrific patriarchal bullshit of there's not enough great single men out there. My mom and I talked about. My mom moved to New York from Argentina when she was like around my age, like in her mid-20s. And she's like, everyone said that. There's no men. They're all gone. She's like, bullshit.

I met your dad. And so did everyone else met their husband or his partner? That myth is very much, like, circulated as a way to create anxiety. And when we're anxious and feel scared and there's a scarcity, we grab onto what we can hold. And that's not, I'm not living in this life to grab the first thing I can find. Like, never settle. I love that.

And, you know, I don't know anything about your situation. but like I said to you, the first thing I said to you when you're like, I'm getting worse. I'm like, congratulations because you're young, you're hot and you're smart and successful. And you have so much of your life left. So why not be happy? And find it is going to, you know, make you happy through your next chapter. Yeah. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I was nervous, like as the relationship was kind of coming to the place where we were deciding to separate and all of that because a lot of my single friends were like, it's a fucking nightmare out here. There's no guys. They won't commit. But but but, but, like just all these horror stories. And I kind of had your mindset, though, where I'm like, there's somebody. Like, there's somebody out there for everybody. You see people where you're like, who the fuck? But there's somebody for them. So I love that about the scarcity mindset and not just grabbing onto something just out of fear. And also, like, having the choice. Because I think so many.

many of us feel. And I know like myself and old past relationships, I would feel like I didn't have a say in the matter, if that makes sense, like in the relationships. So I was just like, yep, this is it. Everything I wanted in my life, I made happen. Like not the exact timing. You know, I thought I wanted something. I ended up getting something better. But more often than not, in terms of my career, especially, I'm like, I'm going to make this happen. And I do it. Because I had that an abundance mindset. Like, I just like, it's just like, it's going to happen. So like you literally create your own reality. You literally go into it being like, it's a nightmare.

I'm never going to find anyone. I'm going to be single forever. I'm going to dry up, be alone. Yeah, okay. That's your life. You choose. You are the writer, director,

producer, star of your fucking life. You create reality. You create the truth. So I think, you know, you decide. And I got very granular about what I wanted.

Like, what do you want in a partner? Like, I knew exactly what I wanted. But I never like had the courage. to say it because I think that part of saying what you want means you have to be okay also not getting it. But like the thing is is that when you say what you want and actually believe that you'll get it, you will. So instead of being like, I'm scared to say what I want in a partner

because I'm like, no, I will. So I just did. And so I really, that culture of like nightmare, never going to act like it's a war zone. It's just like optic ass behavior that the patriarchy wants because they want us to be passive in marriages and not speak or have sex. Yeah. I shared about this on a podcast a couple of weeks ago, but I got really good advice. And that was to write down on paper what my ideal partner is, like all of the qualities that they would have. And then be like, okay, I'm going to go out and I'm going to become this because like water seeks its own level. Like you attract what you are.

All of those kind of like cliche things. But that was and I got that advice like years ago before I got. married. But I thought that was so helpful because it takes the pressure off of like finding someone who like checks all. It's like, no, I'm going to focus on becoming that. The relationship with yourself, that's what it's so crazy to me. That's what I do what I do because I'm like, how is this not taught in school? Like the relationship that you have with yourself will literally dictate everything about you. Everything. It will dictate your job situation, your home, your family, your friends, and your partner. I can control going on a date and controlling the

qualities that are going to pop out of the sky. And I can control the qualities that I have in myself and know how to look for them. And the way to know how to look is by acting and behaving in those ways as well. Yeah. Amazing. Well, I like to ask all of my guests, one thing we should stop doing today and one thing we should start doing. I'm going to say a couple things.

Stop, Julie. Stop looking around. Stop looking around. Start looking at yourself. Stop looking at, like just focus on yourself. I think that that's when it happens. Focus on, am I having fun? Am I happy?

Do I feel good? Do I look good? All about you. And then I think, start talking yourself in the fucking mirror. Like, it takes three seconds. And if it feels funky and vulnerable,

good. Right? The pain is that growth. I love that. We should challenge every single person who's listening in this podcast when it's over to look in the mirror and say something to themselves.

Hey, I got you. Hi. How are you? I love you. It can be very simple. Amazing. Well, tell everybody where they can find you. Serena Carrigan across all platforms, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, be real. And Let's Fucking Date. I created a card game. I have three of them. And if you are dating, if you're

in a relationship, if you're with a group of friends, if you're going to a bachelor at party, this game is for you. So check it out on let's fucking date.com. It's really fun. Amazing. Thank you so much. It was so fun talking to you. Likewise. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, And if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram. I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Laurie.