Well with Arielle Lorre - 199: Mental Health & Sex Education with Eileen Kelly

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

In this episode, I'm talking with Eileen Kelly, host of Going Mental, about mental health and sex. We talk about her Borderline Personality Disorder and how that led her to check herself in to a mental hospital, what led to her mental breakdown, what it's actually like inside an in-patient institution, and misinformation about mental health disorders. We also take tons of listener questions about sex, our thoughts on open relationships, threesomes, sex on the first date, increasing your sex drive, sex on meds, and more!   Visit Houseofmacadamias.com and use code BLONDE20 to receive 20% off your first purchase of their nuts or bars.   Go to arrae.com and use code ‘BLONDEFILES’ at checkout for 15% off of one time purchases or 25% off first month on subscription.   Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today at Prose.com/BLONDE.   Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Go to your re-sadviseur or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the blonde podcast. I'm your host Ariel Lori, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits and I'm bringing it to you real and unfiltered. I know there is so much information out there,

so I'm here to help you navigate it all. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. Today I am talking to Eileen Kelly. She is the host of another dear media podcast called Going Mental. It's amazing. It's a podcast dedicated to destigmatizing the mental journeys we are all on. She interviews some of today's most compelling media figures, influencers, celebrities, and mental health experts on topics ranging from body image to addiction, to the prison industrial complex, to the fashion industry and everything in between. I went on her podcast. I'm not sure when it's coming out, but I will let you guys know. We had a really interesting conversation about all of those things, well, not the prison part,

but mental health, addiction, body image. We went really deep into the plastic surgery stuff. So there's a little teaser for that episode. But in my episode today, we talk about, of course, mental health. We talk about her experience and treatment at the most infamous mental hospital in the U.S., one that I almost went to as well, by the way. We talk about her borderline personality, disorder. diagnosis and then we do a listener Q&A around mental health, sex, and relationships as well. And I

really loved talking to her. So she is a sex educator and a social media darling. She was on top of the world running the super successful blog, Killer in a Sweet Thing. When she decided to step away from it all, she was struggling with mental health and she decided to enter treatment. and she did some serious self-discovery. She was in there for five months. She talks about it on this episode, so I won't ramble on about it. But it was really interesting because even though I went to treatment for addiction, we kind of had a little bit of a shared experience in that way and had some interesting perspective.

So I think you guys are going to love this episode. Please enjoy Eileen Kelly. Welcome, Eileen. Thanks for having me. Very excited to talk to you. Me too. We just did Eileen's podcast going mental. So I don't know what it's coming out, but everybody go check it out.

To start, can you just give everybody like a little bit of a background on who you are and what you do? Yeah. So my name's Eileen Kelly. I guess I'm a podcaster now. Yeah, I have a podcast called Going Mental with Eileen Kelly. But originally I was like a blogger slash sex education. is how I started my career. So I grew up in Seattle, Washington, in a really liberal city, but I grew up in a super conservative Catholic bubble. So I always went to Catholic school.

And I also grew up without my mom. So I grew up with a single dad. He's never remarried in a house full of boys. And I just really didn't have someone to talk to about my body. So that's kind of what sparked my initial interest in sex education was my own experience and lack of conversation, lack of education. And when I moved to New York for college, I thought to myself, maybe I could do something career-wise around this. And I had been pretty successful, popular on Tumblr when I was in high school. And I would do kind of like an ask Alice. Like people would write in questions all across the country and I would answer and give advice, which is hilarious to think of now because I'm like, what did I know as a 16-year-old?

But I think I just came from a really non-judgmental attitude, and maybe that was refreshing for other young people. And I kind of think that's where the popularity of it came from. So I just basically turned my Tumblr into a website, and it became this blog that I wrote everything myself, and it was topics from, like, getting my first IUD or how to get on birth control to putting in a tampon, to having sex for the first time, having anal. I don't know, these things that I had experienced.

And pretty early on, I noticed I was sharing super narrow perspective. So I asked my friends to write for me. And it just snowballed. And I had over 100 people writing for me at one point. I had an office in Soho. We did merch. We would do a lot of events. And I would go and speak at universities across the country.

So it was like a full booming career and then basically I kind of had a mental breakdown, stepped away from it all and went to treatment. That's my short version. I have a lot of questions. But like, what, how did your mental health, if we can kind of rewind a little bit, if you're willing to talk about, like when you lost your mom? And then it seems like when you had this online platform and you were talking, other people, you probably got a little bit of like a support from that community, I would imagine.

How did your mental health evolve from the time when you lost your mom through this kind of like Tumblr fame and having this really successful kind of brand to when you had the mental breakdown? Yeah. I mean, so I lost my mom when I was really young when I was eight years old in this really kind of traumatic way. And it wasn't really dealt with. Like my dad. Dad developed, I think he had always kind of had, but he developed like a really serious alcohol problem. And my siblings are a lot older than me. So I was pretty much an only child, like by the time I entered middle school. So I would say it was just not a happy time in my life. I was a really depressive teenager and just felt like I didn't have an outlet. I didn't have people who I could connect to. I didn't really feel super close to anyone at my school. and yeah, I definitely have always struggled with my mental health. I used to, like, self-harm when I was, like, 14, 13, like in middle school. But it was never really discussed with me.

Like, I didn't know it was going on. I also didn't have the emotional vocabulary or, like, awareness because no one had sat down with me and talked about it. And, yeah, I just feel like I was on this journey. And when I moved to New York, I started, I was seeing a therapist. and like I knew how I felt wasn't normal and I would always be in these really toxic or crazy romantic relationships and before I went away I got diagnosed with my diagnosis which is borderline personality disorder and it was kind of from there that then I went to this program I'm a claim so

now looking back I'm like I definitely had borderline like this disorder my entire life or definitely like adolescence, probably like 10, 11, 12. And just how I'd react to certain things. And I was very emotional. And I just didn't know that I had it. Can you tell people like how that manifested for you besides like this. Yeah. Can I give you the little like spiel of just what it is? Because I always fuck it up. And when I was in treatment, obviously I knew this like the back of my hand. But like it's been a hot second. Yeah. Because I know. I feel. like having been in and out of rehabs and, you know, mental health treatment facilities and everything and therapy my whole life. Like I'm pretty, I don't know, fluent in a lot of these things,

but even I don't really know what borderline is. Yeah, let me give you the spiel. And I just want to make sure I'm doing like the accurate information. So I like to go to like McLeanhospital.org. So a fish. Because there's just a lot of misinformation specifically around BPD. I mean, this is a newer disorder or diagnosis, this used to get looped in with like other diagnoses. And so really became its own thing. I feel like not even like the 80s, maybe like late 80s. And actually the program I did at McLean was started by the guy who created its BPD, like the diagnosis and got it in the DSM and stuff. Wow. That's really cool. His name is John Gunderson. I have been traveling the last few weeks as you guys know, and I truly don't know what I would do without my array bloat capsules.

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So it causes like really intense emotions. It includes self-image issues, difficulty in managing kind of your behavior and impact. of unstable relationships, and it has a really high rate of suicide. So it's the highest rate out of any psychiatric disorder. And so kind of the main things, okay, so the signs and symptoms are an intense fear of abandonment is like literally one of the checklist. Remember I had to go do an intake of it and be formally diagnosed to even get into this program at McLean. So that's one of them. And so people will, with borderline, will go to really extreme measures to avoid perceived like abandonment or rejection.

And that can manifest in different ways for different people. A pattern of unstable, intense relationships. This could be romantic or just like friendships family. Rapid changes in self-image or self-identity. So sometimes maybe like changing your appearance or depending if you're with different groups of people, maybe like you don't really know who you are. So you'll shift kind of who you are. and your personality when you're with different people.

Periods of stress-related paranoia. So far I have all of these, by the way. And the stress-related paranoia can literally be... Essentially, when someone with BPD gets really, really stressed out, they can almost have such severe paranoia. They can get to the level of, like, hallucination. Or paranoia of like, these people hate me. They're talking behind my back.

And then you have... You can't manage your emotions and they quickly influence how you react to things. So maybe you're the type to like text someone 100 times or call them and you're like honestly acting pretty crazy. But you can't help it. Like you can't control it. Yeah. Impulsive, risky behavior. So this can be gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating, drug abuse, alcohol abuse.

Suicidal threats or suicidal behavior or self-injury, often in response to the fear. of separation? Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days. So this is where a lot of people with BPD get misdiagnosed as bipolar. That's what this doctor from McLean told me who came on the podcast. And he said the reason the big difference is that someone who's bipolar and is in like a depressive state or a manic state, it usually lasts for like weeks, sometimes months. Borderline, like I could be manic in the morning and be like depressed, not get in my bed in 15 minutes. It could switch off. Like they're really quick, fast-moving emotions.

But you can appear almost manic. Right. Ongoing feelings of emptiness. So that's like one of the big ones, BPD usually, that you get diagnosed with, is just like feeling empty all the time. And the last one is inappropriate, intense anger and not really being able to. And that can manifest in different ways. So for me, I was always super bad at showing my anger.

Like, I think I had anger inside or deep resentments and issues from my childhood. But I wasn't an outwardly angry person and actually had, like, difficulty. It's interesting because I, when I hear all of those, I mean, not to like make light of it and joke about it, but I was like, no, I was all of those things for sure before I got sober. And I did get diagnosed with lots of different things. The main one, I think, was antisocial personality disorder maybe, which once I got sober, you know, I'm not. It was... No, I don't think you're antisocial. Like, these things also just get thrown around a lot. That's what I learned.

And, like, antisocial gets thrown around a lot in the prison system. And it affects, it literally affects people sentencing. Because the whole thing with antisocial is that you essentially don't feel guilt and you don't have empathy. So then they think these prisoners, like, they'll never change. They'll keep committing these crimes because they just don't care. But it's like, actually, if you look a little deep, I honestly think they probably went through some serious trauma and this is like a defense mechanism and it's not actually like what intie social is. Like that's what I mean.

There's just so much misinformation. And I really only started talking about my diagnosis like legit a month ago publicly. And I haven't posted on Instagram or anything. And before I used to tell like even press and stuff before I went away, I said I was going away for severe anxiety. I never said outright what I was struggling with because there's so much stigma. BPD. Mm-hmm. Like, even in the medical community, like, they genuinely, a lot of therapists were trained

and believed that if you give someone this diagnosis, it's like a death wish. Yeah, so I want to get into that a little bit more. I mean, we were talking on your podcast about the stigma around alcoholism and addiction. And I think that, you know, equally, maybe even more so, there are these stigmas around mental health. I feel like sometimes it's probably easier for somebody to admit that they're an alcoholic or an addict more so than having something like borderline personality or whatever the disorder is.

What is that, why do you think that is the way it is? I mean, what does that mean for somebody if they are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? Well, it's just changed a lot. Like I said, the actual diagnosis is like pretty new, like in the 80s, the official term. And it stands for borderline psychotic, which is kind of an offensive term. But it's because, yeah, one, I think you can act really crazy and they can almost have the psychosis.

But, yeah, so there's a stigma in the community. And then there's stigma amongst people. I remember when I first got diagnosed, my doctor was like, whatever you do, do not Google borderline. Because like pretty much everything online is wrong. Yeah, so of course I go. And if you look at like Reddit, Quora, just like the stuff that's written about people specifically with BPD, literally I could read you some of them. it's like run for the hills. Like do not get involved with this person.

Evil. Like they deserve to die. Like all these things. And then when I went into this program with people who largely were dealing with personality disorders, it's I met people and I'm like, oh my gosh, if only people could come and take a look at like, all these people had been through so much shit. Yes, there's a genetic predisposition. It's exactly the gun thing you said on my podcast.

It's like genetics, load the gun, and then events or like your environment pulls the trigger. And it's exactly that. And that's kind of what the research is showing. So I'm like, one, people are judging me or like, I was always afraid to speak about my diagnosis because I thought it would affect not really my friendships, but definitely my dating life. I was like, oh, no one's going to want to date me because they're going to think I'm fucking crazy. And I'm like, no, it's literally a brain disorder. Like if they do brain scans of people with BPD, you have an O. overactive amygdala and you have an underactive prefrontal cortex. So that means like where

your emotions and stuff, that's going an overdrive. And then the front part of your brain that kind of controls the way you react, that's just, it doesn't light up as much. So I'm like, there is a literal genetic brain component here. And then a lot of the time there's trauma. A lot of people have like childhood sexual trauma with BPD. And it becomes this defense mechanism slash you're like, I don't know how to manage my emotions because my fucking brain is going, hey, why? There is truly nothing that I love more than my mornings with my macha and my macadamia nuts. My friend actually teases me and texts me in the morning asking if I'm doing my triple M, my morning macha and macadamias.

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things to some degree and my solution was to numb. I mean, no, there were a lot of people in my program who had been in rehabs and in and out. And then they found out at McLean that, like, listen, they really think the underlying, like, foundation of some of these other issues were the fact that you were struggling with a serious, untreated, undiagnosed personality disorder. So how did you deal with it before you got it? I mean, I used to self-medicate. I had a Xanax prescription for, like, a year and slash I would just, like, get it from friends or buy it. and Xanax makes me really manic. In fact, actually, when I was at my program at McLean,

you cannot be on benzos in that program. You have to wean off of them before you even enter the program. They do not allow them because people with BPD are already so kind of reactive and uninhibited that the benzos just make that tenfold. Interesting. So I stopped taking those a while ago because they would make me fucking nuts. like genuinely nuts, really angry, like literally like a scary person. Like the opposite of what it's supposed to do.

Yes. I would stay up all night. I would want to go out dancing all night. Like I would become super emotional. And then I would have really bad come downs and like very suicidal. So I haven't taken those in years and years and years. I don't know. I've always dabbled with drugs.

But it wasn't so much to numb. It was more just to like, I guess, have fun. And then I was always able to stop. And I never really drank because my dad had drinking problem. And I just saw the way he acted in like our relationship. And I was like, I don't want to be like that in that capacity. So I never really drank that much. I was much more of a control freak and let me dabble with drugs and do them in small doses kind of thing.

But I was never told and like I met with doctors and therapists. And no one ever thought I had a problem with them. And I still, to this day, like, I was in Hawaii a week ago. I work with my same therapist from McLean. And I was like, I'm going to do a mushroom trip while I'm in Hawaii. And she was like, okay, just be safe. And, like, just know that you're going to have heightened emotions. So, like, I just want you to go into it knowing that.

Like, I also tell my therapist literally everything. Like, I have friends who leave out so many things. They're like, they don't tell them about their sex life or what drugs they're doing because they don't want to be judged. but I'm like, you're paying this person to know the ins and out so they can help you. So like they need to have an accurate view of what the fuck is going on. Yeah. I probably tell me therapist too much. I heard somebody say, and this might only apply to like an alcoholic because I heard it in this context.

But I think it kind of applies here to therapy as well. And the person said, you need an outside like unbiased opinion or voice or whatever because self can't recognize self. So if you're talking to your friends or you're thinking through something yourself, you can't recognize yourself and your bullshit or your habits or your behavior or whatever. So you need somebody like that who can help you see yourself. 100%. And I have to say this one thing. So what's so unique about the program I did at McLean is it basically takes that into consideration,

specifically with people who have personality disorders because their perceptions of things can be off. So if I'm going to my therapist every day and I'm telling her like what's up in my weekly life. So my boyfriend and I got in a fight and this is what happened. I could be totally off. Like if there was a fly on the wall, they could be like, that's actually not what happened, Eileen. But I'm telling my therapist like, you know, he said this in this tone and like he was just being so mean to me, you know? Yeah. And so what in this program, what's really interesting is I'm living in a house with other people who have the same disorder.

And kind of you're like a, how I explain it, is you're a lab rat. So in every room in like during the classes and therapy and stuff, you have these residence counselors that take notes. And so when I'm interacting with the other women in the house, they're taking notes and saying kind of in their perspective what they think is happening. And then they relay that to the doctors. So when I go into therapy and I tell my primary therapist like, oh, Molly, said this to me, she has these notes being like, wait, Molly actually said this. So it's in real

time that you're kind of working on closing the gap of your perception and reality, which was really cool. Slash, you see people acting out and being fucking crazy. And I use that term lightly because I can be sensitive to that term. But, and you're like, I don't want to act that way. And it's like you're mirroring, like you get this real live. mirror for five, six months and you see like just even the changes. Like I remember towards the end of the program, I'm like, wow, I would see someone have a meltdown. I'm like, I was acting that way like my first couple weeks in and look at how much I've changed and like I don't want to act that way in my romantic relationships anymore. And yeah, I just feel like I've changed so much. Very interesting about having,

I'm trying to remember if they had that any of the treatments that I had. I mean, they definitely had eyes on you all the time. And I do remember my primary therapist would know things. And I would be like, how did she know that? But that, that perception piece is so interesting. Because I feel like we're all kind of revisionists in our own way because we want to confirm our biases. And we want to have this narrative about ourselves and how people treat us and all of this. And I think that if we were able to see that, like we all have these translators like where you say something to me and I go, well, that means that. And I apply my own meaning to it, whereas that's not always reality. Yeah, and human memory just changes things.

Like, it's not in a linear way. So it was a really interesting experience. And that's really how the whole program why it's so unique in like the premier program for personality disorders, because it's literally designed around. That's how they created the program. So when did you go? I went right before COVID broke. I went in November. COVID broke in the spring. So I ended up discharging like right into the beginning of COVID.

Got it. What have been some of your coping mechanisms? Like what has your life been like since you got out and what have been the most helpful things for you? Oh my gosh. So I used to be really, I feel like I always had really strong friendships. I never had problems in my friendships. Like I had great friend group. Work was good. It was always my romance. romantic relationships that were fucking nuts and just like so toxic like definitely had been in like a really one abusive relationship that I just could not leave since coming out I've been in one serious relationship like I dated a guy for a year we broke up a year ago and I would just say the way that I handled that breakup the way that like I had been in an on and off thing with another ex-boyfriend And that ended and just like, it is so night and day compared to even. And my therapist tells me this all the time.

She's like, when I first met you, if this was happening right now, we would be on the phone from and you would be at the ER. You would be at the local psych hospital. And it's true. And so she always reminds me of like how much work I've done. And yeah, kind of sometimes they do feel like you don't notice it in the day to day. But then all these big events will happen and I can react like a normal person. And it doesn't like ruin my life and I'm wanting to kill myself.

So that's kind of my big thing. And the coping is I do therapy with my same doctor from McLean twice a week. She's available to text 24-7. Like I can literally text her every day if I need to. I can call her at any hour if it's an emergency. She's super helpful. I don't do outpatient. I didn't because COVID happened.

So I didn't really do a step down. But, yeah, I would say because I spent six months, five months in care with her, she knows me so well. Like she knows everything about me. And she has helped me a lot, honestly. Like that's kind of what keeps me saying these days. That's so nice. And it's so nice to have that mirror, I think, to hold up and to have somebody there who knows you so well and they can recognize that growth. I felt that same way like going through what I've

been going through with this divorce and the separation where I'm like, if this were eight and a half years ago, this would be so fucking different than it is now. Like I would probably be doing the same thing. I would be like threatening suicide and slitting my wrists and blacking out and like, you know, just crazy. Not sorry, not crazy. No, no, no, no, no. But no, it's true. I mean, yeah. I used to be like, I don't know if you've ever seen that Netflix show, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Is that the one where she lives in? She's like a singer. Yes, I started watching.

Okay, to be fair, though, like, she doesn't actually date the guy. She has a crush. So, like, that's not. I always actually dated the person and, like, had these really intense romances. But, like, I, like, lo and behold, I can take accountability that, like, I was not doing nothing. Like, I was fucking crazy. Like, I would just did not know how to handle my emotions.

want to be like left. I would always break up with people before they would leave me. Like I was just always creating chaos. And I just feel like I was able to have a really healthy relationship last year. Even though it didn't work out, I felt like I handled the breakup so well. Like we're really on friendly terms. Like he texted me on my birthday a couple weeks ago and just like, I'm like, wow, I never, if you would have told me even three years ago that I could get to this point or that I would have this, I wouldn't believe you. Yeah. Yeah, I feel the same way. I'm like, I have not had sex with all your friends and we're still good. Like, wow, this is major growth. That's really incredible and that's interesting because I've never heard anybody who's gone through that and had that diagnosis. Well, the reason I found out about my diagnosis actually is because a friend of mine had been diagnosed. I had never even heard a BPD. And she told me like, I just got diagnosed with BPD and like I'm feeling really confused and upset. And so to be a supportive friend, I did my. own research and as I'm looking at this I'm like what I'm having this like a light bulb go off and I'm

like what the fuck this is like everything I've ever felt and it's funny looking back I had gone to this therapist because I had somehow come across this thing called R OCD it's called relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and I was like maybe I have this and it means like you really nitpick your partner or like it's the partner's never good enough or you're never good enough from the partner and like you're never satisfied in an emotional relationship. And I was always having these toxic relationships. So I went and did an intake with this ROCD guy. And he basically was like, I don't think you have ROCD, but he didn't tell me I think you

have BPD, but he was like, you should look into DBT, which is the premier treatment type of therapy for someone with BPD. And then my friend got diagnosed and I was reading it. And I was just like, oh my God. And I had a boyfriend at the time right before I left for McLean. who broke up with me because he was like, you're too sick to be in a relationship. And I support you and I love you.

And I told him, I think I had BPD. And he was like, actually I've thought the whole time that you have BPD. Wow. Yeah. And he was the one that told me about McLean. And he actually was the reason I went. Do you guys still talk? We did for a while and like our best, best friends.

And he's in a relationship right now. So we're not talking. And who knows, maybe we'll talk again. I'm kind of just respecting the fact that he's in this relationship. Healthy boundaries. And that's where he is right now. But yeah, we like saw each other. We kind of like dated again after I got out.

But he was a big reason. Amazing. Well, I got a lot of listener questions around mental health and sex and relationships. So. Okay, let's go for it. Okay, well, since we're kind of on this subject, what is the best way to find a therapist in your opinion? Okay.

I've always found them through referral, honestly. But I would like, you can go to like psychology.com or dot org. One of those, I forget. You'll know it's the big one. Google it. And look within your network of insurance. Just because therapy is really fucking expensive. But I think you need to interview a therapist like you would interview a boyfriend.

Like you don't just take the first man you get off the street and, and date him and like make him you're serious, you know? Like you have to know that you get along or you're a track to them or whatever the fuck. Like there's a laundry list. And so the same with the therapist. Like I think you should meet with a couple. It's usually a free first phone call consultation and then pick the one you feel aligned with. And you interview them as if they're going to work for you. Like, okay, what type of therapy do you do?

What kind of clients do, patients do you work with? How do you help these issues that I have and go from there? And I think that's something I wish someone had told me when I was younger because I had gone through a of shitty therapists that I did for years and like really didn't help me. Yeah, I had the same experience. I mean, when I was younger, I was going to whoever my parents were getting for me and they were trying to help obviously. But you have to be comfortable because back to what you were saying before, like you, you're wasting your money if you're lying to them or if you're withholding. So you need to find somebody that you're really comfortable with. I interviewed people

too. And look at local hospitals, local big like universities like in New York. You could get a therapist through Columbia or L.A. Like UCLA, USC, whatever. And usually, like, big hospitals will have. And those are just, like, reputable. So I would look in your area. You could also do telehealth, which is, like, so accessible if you live in an area where maybe there's not a lot of doctors or not doctors for your specific needs, then you could do, yeah, call-ins and, like, Zoom therapy with someone in New York or Ella. Okay, somebody said I got dumped because of my ex's mental health. How can I accept that I can't help who won't let me? Okay, so the ex was struggling with mental health and broke up with them. Oh, that's a tough situation. But I think you just have, you have to know it's not because of you. And also it's kind of like what you said about Elin on of like sometimes you just have to step away.

And like this person, like if you love them and you care about them, you, they're on their own. journey and if they're depressed or whatever, that you can't go down with the ship. Yep. Do you have tips for having sex and having a sex drive while being on SSRI or other meds? Yes. I mean, yes, but in my experience, I feel like my sex drive hasn't really gone away on my medication, which I feel like lucky about. It like waxes and wanes, I guess.

But I think honestly, you just have to make time. for it because the less you, the less you like masturbate, the less you're having sex, like women's bodies kind of shut down and then you're not as horny. Like it honestly, like after a certain time, you're just not horny anymore. So it's like, yeah, I always say this. I'm always like the longer I go, the less I care. A hundred percent. So it's like if guys are like, what? That doesn't happen to me. And I'm like, okay. So if you make time to like masturbate or like watch porn or whatever you're into. It doesn't even have to be with a partner. Like, I feel like you have to set aside the time. Like, take a bath, like get in the mood. It might take you a little bit

longer, but like it's just a point of you have to put in a little bit of effort. It's like a muscle that you have to keep working. Yeah. And especially if the muscles like numbed out a bit because of medication, then you just, I think you can still do it. You just have to almost like trick yourself into it. And you can also talk to your doctor about that. Okay. Somebody. said she is struggling with mental health after being diagnosed with herpes to the point where she's thought about suicide. Okay, herpes is so fucking common. Like, I need you to go and Google how many people have herpes and how many people have herpes and just don't know about it because it's literally, what is it? It's like one in four people or one and three. It's like

really crazy, right? So I feel for you in terms of I don't think your emotions are invalid, but I don't want to be insensitive, but like you still have your health. You still can have a healthy and awesome sex life with herpes and just communicate with partners and use condoms. But I know like because there's so much stigma, you can feel like dirty or gross is what people who have that diagnosis has told me. But honestly, as you get older too, you're going to know more and more, more and more people who have the diagnosis or just you have to think about like all the people you know.

that a third of them have it and they just don't have the diagnosis. And there's medication. Yeah, and there's medication that can like help the shedding rate. And if you like don't eat chocolate or like there's certain diets then can help. But I promise so many people live with it. But you can also like find a support group online. And maybe if you had a friend who also struggles with it, it's like something you can have camaraderie.

What are your thoughts on open relationships? My only thought is that personally I don't think I could do it just also because of my diagnosis. It's just like perfect storm. I'm really, I can be jealous and it would just bring out like not fun sides of me. But totally, I think I definitely believe in it and I think it works for a lot of people. It just wouldn't work for me. I feel like I like the idea of it because I like the idea of me being able to do whatever I want. But that's not a real open relationship.

It's like, exactly. Exactly. The idea is like, oh yeah, I want to be able to fuck who I want. Yeah. And then you can't. But I'm like, that's not really an open relationship. That's one-sided. But a true open relationship, I mean, isn't like technically true love is like lack of, like you don't have control. You just trust them. But then I'm like, guys think with their dick all the time and just like, I don't want to deal with that. Slash, I would feel jealous. I have like comparison issues and insecurities and self-esteem. And I think you really have. have to be secure in yourself to do it and open communication. And if you don't think you can do that all the way, also do not let yourself get pressured into that. You have to fully consent and want it. I've also heard people say, like, don't open your relationship in an attempt to save the relationship, like only do it if it's really solid. Although I was talking to a friend of mine who is a therapist

and a sex therapist, and he was like, no, I don't agree with that. I think his rationale was if your relationship is kind of crumbling or unraveling or whatever, why not try everything and see if it helps? I mean, he suggested it to me. Yeah, with your relationship? Yeah, when we were like separated and trying to figure out. And I was, I mean, I've talked about this on my podcast a little bit, but I was to the point where I was like, I want to try everything so that when I look back, I don't have any doubts and no regrets. And I just know that he wouldn't have been open to that, no pun intended. But I don't think that you necessarily

only have to do it if your relationship is like amazing. I think that if your relationship is kind of unraveling a little bit and you do feel like you want to try different things, you can do it. Just know that like you were saying, like you have to be really communicative of like what your intentions are and what you're. So I think it's hard once you open it to close it back up. Yeah, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. You know, and I feel like that kind of sucks when people are in a really stable, great place and then they do that. And then it like, like, I used to hook up with this couple. And I mean, they weren't an open relationship. We would have threesomes. And one of our last threesomes they broke up after. Oh yeah. That happened to me when I was living in

Florida, had a threesome with my boyfriend at the time where we had been dating for a while to, like maybe a year and a half or two years. And we had a threesome with my best friend at the time. And it was like the end of both of those relationships. You can't do with someone. You're like, wow, you were like really making out with her. Like, you were locking eyes. You were ignoring me. Like, it brings up so many things that you don't even know where there.

Yeah. Has to be the stranger. Yeah. Well, we weren't really planning on it. It was spontaneous. Do you think having sex too soon kills the future potential of a relationship? I live by that rule because I have so much internalized misogyny. I have friends who would fight me on that.

Like, some of my best friends, like, really don't believe. They're like, oh, if you fuck on the. first night and the person really wants to see you again, it doesn't change anything, who have dated people after fucking the first night, I just know my attachment style and I'm very cautious around, I think because of the BPD stuff, that I never fuck on the first night. What about second? No. I usually like wait up.

Well, I used to when I was younger, I was always my leverage to get someone to date me. And then I would fall into these relationships where I'm like, I don't even want to be dating this person, but now I have a boyfriend. which would always get crazy, but it's like, I don't fuck people unless they're my boyfriend. And then these guys literally after a week, I want you to be my girlfriend. And then we would date for like a year or something. But now I would say it really depends. And I feel like I'm also in a healthier place of like I don't have to date everyone I hook up with.

Whereas before I really felt like I needed to. So it kind of depends. But yeah, I usually like to make them wait a little bit. But that's just like probably some control thing. I see both sides of it. And guys are assholes. I'm sorry. They really can be like, and I've heard guys who are like, oh, I wouldn't date her if she'd fuck me on the first night. Like, there's just so much of that. But to me, it's not so much about what the guy thinks. It's always been just I don't want to get attached to someone. And then if they don't text me the next day, that will make me feel really upset. So I just want to avoid that situation altogether. This person is feeling insecure about their partner wanting to use sex toys in their relationship. I mean, it's just adding to the experience, you know, I feel like it doesn't mean you're lacking in anything. It's just wanting to spice things up a little bit.

Agree. Co-sign, retweet. What would you do if sex feels like a chore? I had a lot, a lot of questions about long-term relationships and people feeling like there's no spark, sex is a chore, they're bored. I think sex is a really important part of dating and marriage or just like, I mean, I haven't been married, so what am I saying? But relationships, like, it really is. And it's like there's like a biological function, all of these things. So I think even if it feels like a chore, once you start not having sex, that's usually I feel like demise of a lot of relationships. So you just have to put in that effort to spice things up. And whether that's like, oh, hey, I want you to blindfold me or like you could start. really kind of vanilla. You could try new positions. You could do anal sex. Like I think there's a lot of ways to you could do a role play date night. You could like meet at a bar. I did that with this guy I used to hook up with. That was really fun. Yeah. I mean, just go online and Google like ways to spice up my sex life. There's going to be a list and list. But I think once again, like we said earlier, you have to put in that effort, have time, and try to make it not feel like a chore.

Mm-hmm. But keep having it. Yeah. Yeah. I heard somebody say that the sex is like the salve that smooths over all the other bullshit in a relationship. And it's true. And I think that when that is removed or that starts to dwindle or whatever, you do start

being more annoyed and disconnected and all of those things with your partner. or not that you can't have a strong emotional bond, an emotional relationship with somebody without having sex all the time. But like it is, I don't know, it is such an important part. Maybe you need a solo trip or like a week away so you miss them a little bit. Mm-hmm. Yep, agree. Okay.

How to not take it personally if my significant other doesn't want to have sex. Like just think about yourself in that context. Sometimes you're not in the mood and that's okay. But I also think if it's a person. pattern, you could like communicate with them. Like, hey, have you just not been horny? Like, if it's a pattern, I get it. If it's just like every once in a while, like they come home late from work and they're tired, like you just have to keep reminding yourself. It's not about me. It's not my fault. What are your thoughts on having a crush or having feelings for somebody else?

While you're in a relationship? And you're in a long-term relationship. Yeah. I think that's normal human behavior. And I think people will feel super guilty. But it's, It's like that's how people work. Like if you look on just like cave mend days, like you're always looking for to spread your seed and like looking to extend the colony. So like don't beat yourself up about it. And I don't think you need to tell your partner. But I think most people go through that and that's fine. But like as long as you're not, if you're not actively cheating or acting on it, then like who cares?

It's a crush. This person said she's never had a penetration orgasm. what tips do you have? I don't think I've ever had a penetration orgasm. I think that's like pretty common or people are like kind of can be one or the other. Like if you're orgasming from like clit stimulation, then stick to that. And you can just keep trying, I guess, or maybe use a toy that's like curved towards your G spot. You could try anal like stimulation like and see if you can come from that.

I don't know. You just have to play around. But I also am like, it's okay if you can't. Do you have tips for getting more comfortable? and confident with sex? Yes. I don't know. I just think I look at things through this lens of like things are so natural that I talk to some of my friends and they don't think that way.

So it's hard for me to have perspective with that. But I think feeling comfortable in your skin. So feeling comfortable with the way you look helps a lot, honestly. And I wish it wasn't like surface level in that way, but I do think it can help. also just communicating. Like if you feel kind of awkward or insecure, like giving a blowjob, you can like talk to your partner and be like, oh, what feels the best for you? Or like, how do you like it? Or like breaking the ice a bit.

Like, what positions do you like? Like, I think that's like flirty, fun, sexy conversation too, that you can like text or do it for drinks. And it kind of breaks the ice in the bedroom. Also, the first time you fuck people in my experience is always slightly awkward. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There are like some outliers, but yes, that's like the general rule, not the exception. It's like always better like the second time in my opinion.

Yeah. Like every time I've pretty much had sex. Yeah, maybe you've had that one person where it was like so hot and steamy and you're like, I don't even need to do this again. But it gets better because of, I think, communication. Like I think it's huge and just the comfort level. The comfort level and you get to know each other's bodies and what feels good. And then you're not thinking about like what faces am I making or how do I think? sound and am I being awkward.

You're just like able to really enjoy the physical component. Okay. Last question. You said that you had a healthy breakup. So do you have tips to get over a relationship ending? So when I was younger, it was always get over someone by getting under someone else or jumping. Like I literally would jump like a week in between two days. One time it was the same day into a new relationship.

And now I think it's really important to have this. the space to like grieve a relationship when it's done and don't just try to ignore the feelings by having someone new. So like you need that time to grieve and it's okay. So just giving yourself time. Don't beat yourself up about if you're upset over a breakup. That's normal. And I think spending time with your friends, having some, a support system that you can openly communicate how you're feeling and just like feeling the feeling. I think that's huge like feeling the actual feelings because I think that so many people and myself included in the past and a little bit here and there like in this current phase that I'm in, your instinct is to not feel the feeling

and to kind of try to navigate around it and like shortcut your way to feeling better, which never works. Yeah. Because it's like the thing that you. But I think going no contact for like 30 days a month. Because like especially like right after it's so it's like messy and your emotional. And I think removing them on social media. I heard somebody saying recently, I think, maybe it was so my mom's a therapist, someone that came on my show.

But she was like this, having access to everybody's lives and like seeing what they're doing is so unhealthy. My husband does not have social media. Thank God. And like, this is amazing. But we didn't do no contact initially. And things were like so good that it was like, well, why are we doing this? Like you start to get really confused. 100%.

That gets confusing. And then that's where the lines blur. And then you're like, oh, maybe we'll meet up. And then we end up having sex. Yeah. It's like, you know, the whole thing. Yeah. It's messy.

All right. Well, where can everybody find you and listen to your podcast and all of that? So the podcast is everywhere. It's a Dear Media production. And it's called Going Mental with Eileen Kelly. You can find it on Amazon, Apple, Spotify, everywhere. And then you can find me on Instagram at Eileen. So E-I-L-E-E-N.

Just a first name like Madonna. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked it, and if you like the show in general, please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes a long way, and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode,

you can head over to The Blonde Files podcast on Instagram, I'm always posting about each episode there or over on my personal page at Ariel Lori. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.