Well with Arielle Lorre - 217: How Mari Llewellyn Transformed Her Life Inside & Out Through Wellness

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Mari Llewellyn, influencer, entrepreneur and co-founder of Bloom Nutrition and Mari Fitness, hit rock bottom both mentally and physically and eventually found her way onto Forbes 30 Under 30 list. We discuss her wellness journey and how she overcame trauma, depression, and multiple suicide attempts, as well as a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, to completely change her lifestyle, lose 90lbs and thrive in all aspects of her life. We delve into how she stays consistent, how she manages her BPD especially with constant public scrutiny, and her tips for living your best, healthiest, and most confident life.   Visit athleticgreens.com/blondefiles for a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.   Shop K18's leave-in molecular repair hair mask at Sephora and sephora.com.       Right now, Sakara is offering our listeners 20% off their first order when they go to Sakara.com/BLONDE or enter code BLONDE at checkout.       With shiny gifts for everyone, Mejuri is where wishlists come true. Simplify your holiday shopping and go to mejuri.com.      Produced by Dear Media.    See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Sonders. Go to your riceadviseur or SunnyCars. The following podcast is a dear media production. Hey, welcome to the Blond Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits and I'm bringing it to you real and unfiltered.

I know there is so much information out there, so I'm here to help you navigate it all. Thanks for listening. Let's get into it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I am excited about today's episode. I'm laughing at myself because I say that every episode, but there have only been a few times where I've been sitting with a guest talking and I'm like, we are one and the same. Like just relate so much on so many different levels. And I don't think it's ever happened more than it did with my guest today. So I'm talking to Mari Llewellyn. She is an influencer, an entrepreneur.

She's the founder of Bloom Nutrition, Mari Fitness, and the Slay app. Also, she was just named to this year's Forbes 30 Under 30 list. And she has a really incredible story of how she turned her life around through fitness and lifestyle. I think a lot of people are probably familiar with her physical transformation because she lost 90 pounds. But we really get into what was going on underneath that. And I think that is the part that so many people will really connect to and relate to. So she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And she talks a lot about how that was showing up in her life before her diagnosis.

She talks about kind of her unhealthy coping mechanisms around the emotions that she was feeling at that time. And how she hit rock bottom, which led her to start working out and living a healthier lifestyle. and like I said, ultimately losing 90 pounds and creating this incredible life and platform that she has today. So even though she hasn't struggled with alcoholism or addiction like me and I haven't struggled with BPD, so many of the feelings were the same for us. Like we were just sitting there talking and it was just kind of crazy to have that connection and have that level of relating. And I think that a lot of you guys are going to feel that too.

Because even though circumstances and everything are different, so many of these feelings are the same, I think, for us universally as women and men, whatever you identify as. Anyway, I just think it's so amazing and empowering to hear somebody be really vulnerable about their biggest struggles and how they felt around those and their triumphs and how they can. got through everything along the way. So this episode is just packed with that. She's vulnerable and

humble and relatable and has so much helpful experience that this episode is packed with. So enjoy Mari Luellen. Welcome, Mari. Thanks for having me. I'm really excited to talk to you. I've been doing a deep dive into your content over the last few days and listening to you on other interviews and I feel like I can relate to you in so many ways and your story is just so inspirational. You've had such an incredible transformation over the years and you have so much like wisdom and experience to share with people from what you've gone through. So really excited to dive into all of that, but why don't we rewind a little bit and talk about what life was like for you growing up? Was wellness even a thing? Were you into health and working?

out, nutrition, all of that. Give us a picture of that. Okay, so growing up, I definitely moved around a ton. My dad works for the United Nations. So I was born in London, moved to Switzerland, age one, lived there for three years. I wish I remembered it. Like, Switzerland's a really nice place. I don't remember it. But I know, I'm like, wow. I've been back since, and it's amazing. Back to the UK, moved house a lot. And then ultimately, my dad got an opportunity to move to New York in 2004. I moved to New York and I moved to a town called Scarsdale, which is very wealthy, predominantly Jewish town, went to high school there. I would say my childhood, for the most part, I remember me and my sister were like inseparable. We played imaginary games all the time.

Now I have theories about why we did that. I think we were kind of escaping what was happening in my house a little bit because we constantly were pretending to be characters and we had this whole imaginary world and it was a lot of fun and i spent a ton of time outside which i'm so grateful for and i'm really grateful for the travel that i had but moving to the u.s i think was kind of where everything came to a head for me and my family my parents were constantly arguing in my house it was a very emotionally tense household and me and my sister definitely like heard things we shouldn't and it a lot was going on and nothing was ever unpacked. It was always kind of tense but never spoken about. And going through high school, similar to what you told me, I felt so uncomfortable with who I was.

I felt like I sounded weird because of my accent. I used wrong words. It's interesting how different British culture and American culture are. And I was pretty culture shock to that point. I really didn't have a lot of friends. And I wouldn't say wellness or fitness was really spoken about at all in my house. I mean, we ate well. You know, I was kind of grown up. I was kind of brought up in a European-style households. We ate baguettes and brewed cheese.

And it was, like, delicious and high-quality food, but never was health a thing. I feel like at least having that in your upbringing, it does help you later down the line. Like I grew up in a family where my dad cooked every night. He's a doctor, but he would come home and cook. And that was very cathartic for him. And he loved it. And so we had, you know, home cooked meals. There was like an emphasis on that. And there was a lot of, you know, healthy food around. I feel like nowadays you have to like put the disclaimer. Like, you know, nothing is bad. There's no bad food, whatever. But like, I feel like that really did help me down the line in my own wellness. journey, you know, with like learning how to cook and just having an affinity towards fresher food. Yeah. My dad was the cook as well. So that's interesting. I feel like generally people say their mom was the cook, but for me it was my dad as well. Yeah. And he would make these like big Indian curries and Thai food and the smells in the house. And it was also a time where I felt cared for by him. And I think that's brought me a lot of peace. And now I've gotten really into cooking for my

husband as well and it brings us together and I agree I think it's really contributed to the whole wellness side of my life. That's so interesting because my favorite thing to do for people I love is cook for them and I never made that association before. But that's probably, yeah, why? That's so interesting. So what were some of your coping skills? I know that you said you and your sister would kind of make believe a lot and you were escaping reality. When you got to high school and you felt so uncomfortable, How did you deal with that? Yeah. It kind of evolved throughout the years.

I think I'm still dissecting this, but because we moved so much, I feel like I never fully matured. Like, I kind of was stuck in this childlike phase of my life for a long time because I was trying to kind of recreate this comfortable space I was in when I was in the UK. So throughout high school, I did a lot of computer. computer games. I would do like Sims and Roonscape and that was like my own fake world where I literally had an avatar that dressed really cool and all the things that I couldn't do in real life. I had all these friends online, but in real life I didn't. Throughout high school, my parents got a divorce when I was a junior and it was that summer that I discovered alcohol and kind of like you, I was like, oh, this is cool. Like I can be someone else.

Like I can do all the things I'm too scared to do when I'm sober. So I started going out more, kind of intentionally creating chaos, I would say, because I was so angry. The way things were handled in my house, especially after the divorce, there was just a lot of like emotional neglect in my house. And I was going out and looking for it in other places. And then ultimately when I went to college, that's where shit really. hit the fan and I was just doing anything I could to avoid feeling any pain. So partying any day of the week, any hour, anything to avoid being alone, essentially. Yeah, that was a huge thing for me too, was that connection piece. You know, there was, you felt like you were connected at least to the other

people around you. Yeah. Even though you weren't necessarily because you're fucked up. That's actually a great point. Yeah. I think that. that connection that you so desperately want as a child and you never really get, I think even starting with your parents maybe and not having the emotional conversations that you really need, it carries with you throughout your life. And when you want to make those connections sober and in a normal environment and you can't because you're too insecure, suddenly you feel like you're able to and you're drunk and you make decisions that you wouldn't because you're so desperate for that connection.

Yeah. Look at us. We're having revelations here. Yeah, honestly, like I'm relating to you so much more than I expect it. Like, seriously, I think it's really inspiring. Yeah. Well, thank you. I'm really inspired by you too. I think we can all agree that holiday shopping can be very stressful. I try to streamline that process as much as I can. And I have a few really dependable places that I like to go to get gifts for the people who I am shopping for. One of those places is Missouri. So Missouri is high quality, fine jewelry that you can live in and style your way. I'm sure you guys are all familiar with them. I have a few majori pieces that I absolutely love. I live in their gold mini hoops. I just got the diamond pavey hoops for somebody in my life. I'm not going to say

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Missouri.com. The holidays can mean more of everything, more time with family, more errands to run, more meals to cook. I know you feel me on this one. So this season, get more nutritious food without spending more time in the kitchen with Sakara. So Sakara is a wellness company that makes thoughtfully curated meals and supplements to be your source for a feel better holiday. Sikara's collection of wellness tools are designed with organic, functional ingredients to help you feel and look your best from holiday parties to New Year's wellness rituals. Their plant-rich signature nutrition program is expertly designed to nourish transformation from the inside out. and you can design the meal program to match your lifestyle. They have even brought back their sweet, salty and dairy-free cheesy holiday popcorn trio.

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sacara.com slash blonde and enter the code blonde at checkout. That's Sakara, S-A-R-A-com slash blonde to get 20% off your first order. Saccara.com slash blonde. Hi friends. I'm Cameron Rogers, host of Frecklet Foodie and Friends podcast, which is now on Dear Media. Are you wondering what just happened to your life after having a baby or struggling with your mental health during postpartum? That was me just a few months ago. Are you working on healing your relationship with yourself, your body, and or food? Same. We are all on a journey to self-love and acceptance, and I'm right there with you. That's what Freckled Foodian

Friends is all about. Remind you that no matter what, you are not alone. Make sure to tune in for season five launching with Dear Media on November 9th and subscribe to listen to new episodes every Wednesday morning. Are you insecurely attached, would you say? Okay. So I, we talk about this. I have borderline personality disorder, which sounds scarier than it is. I don't love the name of my diagnosis, but essentially I struggle with interpersonal relationships a lot. And my BPD is way more managed now. Like, I'm not even sure I meet the criteria right now, but it used to control my life.

So self-harming, suicidal thoughts, abandonment issues, identity issues. It's kind of like having third-degree burns, but like on your feelings. So someone could look at me the wrong way and I would be triggered, for example. So people with BPD generally will have confused attachment, meaning you have anxious attachment

and what's the other one? avoidance. You have both at once, which is just lovely. Okay, because I'm very anxiously attached. Not so much anymore, but I think it comes from maybe inconsistent attachment stuff in my childhood. And I found that alcohol, this is another like epiphany that I just had talking to you. Like I think alcohol really does soothe that. And with the borderline personality disorder, like I wonder, Maybe you know this. Maybe you don't. But the, you know, the rate of comorbidity, people who have BPD and also have alcoholism, because all of those things seem like things that you would soothe through drinking or drinking or drugs or whatever to quiet that a little bit. It sounds like kind of a raw nerve kind of thing almost. Yeah. And just dulling that a little bit. 100%. My therapist has told me BPD overlaps with substance abuse, eating disorders. Anything. that can help you control that pain overlaps with BPD 100%. It's a really painful disorder. So anything that's going to help you dull that is prevalent. So I feel like I've actually danced on the

line of alcohol abuse before self-harming is kind of similar. It gives you a sense of control. I've even had issues with my eating. So I'm constantly having to check myself when it comes to anything that's a crutch. So what was your breaking point? So you're in college, your you know, maybe abusing alcohol or using it as a crutch or whatever. And you don't know that you have BPD at this point? Do you just have symptoms? So for a while I didn't know. Okay. I thought that I was just sensitive. And I feel like when I got in a relationship with my now husband Greg, it got really bad. I had my first self-harming incident, which he knew about. And he was like, oh my God, we got to do something about this.

I wasn't able to be alone at any point. I was just basically getting thrown around by my disorder. Like when I think of it, I felt like a rag doll. I was so reactive to everything. So I went to a psychiatrist in Philadelphia and she plus my therapist. I've had a therapist since I was 14. So I'm now with a new therapist who's way more specific to BPD. But back then I was with a therapist that I'd had to diagnose me with 80.

So she said, I think you have borderline personality disorder. I'm going to send you to a psychiatrist in Philadelphia where I was going to school. And I obviously went in. Clearly, I was a danger to myself. So she quite quickly put me on a cocktail of medication. I was on a mood stabilizer, anti-anxiety, anti-depression. I can't even remember the name of all of them and all at once. So I pretty quickly just checked out.

And those types of medications at that dosage, you kind of just lose sense of reality. You don't have a personality. You're just floating around. So I was taking that plus drinking at the same time. So I was just completely checked out of what was happening. Not to keep talking about how I can relate. I feel like everything you say, I'm like, well, with me. Yeah.

But I do remember also like during my alcohol is. I was going to see therapists and psychiatrists at the time because everyone was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out that I was an alcoholic and that was what was wrong with me, you know, but I was thrown on so many medications to antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti-anxiety. And I know that feeling of just checking out. You and I spoke about this before, but there's like a black hole in my life where I don't remember a significant amount of it and it freaks me out because I'm sure things happen.

during that time that I'm not aware of and my body can't handle as of right now. But it's really difficult to describe, but you're just floating around. And now I look back and I'm like, what the hell was I doing? I was like, Greg and I have broken up at this point because I was clearly just unable to even take care of myself. So I was alone. My apartment, we were talking about apartments. Mine was like a dumpster.

And that's not an exaggeration. Like it was really, really bad. trash on the ground. Like I had, I didn't care about myself at all. Self-harming regularly. Didn't care if I lived or died. At one point, there was a drug dealer living in my house. He was shooting up drugs. Thank God, I never touched those. I'm not sure how I avoided that, but I did. And I was supposed to be graduating a month later, and I was failing every class, because I couldn't even get out of bed. And I ended up having to drop out of school at that point. And it's so weird to talk about because I don't feel like I'm that same person. Do you feel like you have any trauma response

in your body at all when you talk about that? A hundred percent. Like even right now I like start panicking a little bit and then I kind of disassociate like I think disassociating is probably my number one tool. I even notice in therapy I'll just glaze over and my therapist will call me out actually for it. Well we talked about this before like I feel like it's kind of a self-protection thing. And, you know, I still do it. And that's why I asked you, because I can recognize it because I do it. It's a coping mechanism for sure. And as for, like, the things that you don't remember, I think that some of it is revealed to you when you're ready, maybe to deal with it. Like, I had things come up for me at like five years, seven years,

whatever, of sobriety. And I know you're not sober, but, you know, for you, it's like the time since you turned your life around. And when you're ready, maybe some of that stuff will be revealed, but maybe it won't. You know, I feel like for me, the times that I don't remember, that's like a survival thing. Like, I don't need that information necessarily. It's an interesting topic because I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel ready. I'm like, please remember what happened. I want to know. And I've also been curious about ketamine treatments and things that I feel like could bring them out. But at the same time, I don't know if I can handle it yet. So as of Right now, I'm just focused on the things that I do remember and trying to work through those.

I don't know if you have specific traumas that you work on, but I did something with my therapist, and I can't remember the name for it, but it's kind of like squeezing the lemon out. So we would talk about a specific thing that was very traumatizing, like big T trauma. And she would have a pointer and point, and my eyes would track it, and she would make me talk about it and relive it and follow. this thing with my eyes and we would find that with my eyes looking in a specific place my body would go into fight or flight i mean i would go numb completely like start tingling it was crazy start sweating and i think the idea is that like it kind of activates some part of your brain where the trauma is stored yes and she would hold me there until it left my body and she would put a weighted blanket on me after to like bring me back down and I would do that repeatedly and after like three or four times

I could talk about it and not be activated in any way so wow for anyone listening or for you like if you're you know dealing with stored trauma I feel like that is something that's worth exploring if you are I definitely need to explore that I know people say it's stored in your body and I know it is for me because I can tell when I talk about it and I'm still at the point where like my therapist has to pry it out of me a little bit. So I'm still such a slow process. But as long as you stay consistent, I think that's when you see the progress. Like now I do therapy twice a week. Even though I'm in a better place than I used to be, I do therapy more now because I'm just more committed to self-improvement. That's so interesting. Well, yeah, and I think people get complacent when things are good. Yeah.

And then something can kind of like sneak out at you and you're not prepared to deal with it. Well, yeah, and the holidays. Like right now it's Thanksgiving coming up. I think this is a really hard time for people because a lot of those traumas are going to come up and you're going to get triggered by things. And being able to manage that, I think therapy is crucial. I have an appointment today. Can't we? Amazing. So you were at your breaking point. You're in this apartment. You're drinking. You are on all these medications. What was it? What was the moment for you where you were like, you know, I don't know if it was one moment or more of just like a collection of what the hell am I doing. You know, like it was weird because I was so checked out of reality. I didn't even look at myself in the mirror. So I didn't know what I looked like. And I was so trapped in my own.

You know, we were talking about observing thoughts rather than being the thoughts. I was my thoughts and my thoughts were so, like, delusional and confused. that I didn't even know what was going on and the self-harm was really, really bad. And I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my parents at this point, but I knew I needed help. So I called my dad and just said, I think, you know, I think I need to be pulled out here. So he came and got me and we packed up that apartment, which was humiliating. It's like, you know, like I'm cringing thinking about it. Same experience.

You know what I mean? Like this is what it's come to. There's so much shame. So much shame. It's like what is happening. Yeah. And letting him enter that apartment and help me was kind of the first step, I think. I moved home and I'm not a doctor.

I'm definitely not recommending anyone do this or any of the things I've mentioned. But I cold turkey just came off my medication because I felt like it was clouding everything. for me. Like, I didn't even know who I was. So I stopped, went through a very weird few months of coming back to myself. I went through a phase of shoplifting because I think I was, I've actually been thinking about why I did that. That's one of the things that I'm very shamed about and I don't talk about very often because I'm like, why was I doing that? Well, maybe because you were used to so much turbulence and kind of like the, I don't know, I think that happens for people in recovery too, where they're used to this turbulent life. And like you were saying before, kind of being

untethered and floating around in space and these highs and loads and you need that, you need some stimulation. Like people get sober and they're like, what the fuck? I feel normal. Right. You know, and that's not comfortable. And so you need to seek out things to get those maybe highs that you were getting before. I was trying to create some kind of chaos because I wasn't drinking and blacking out and waking up here and waking up there and now I'm self-harming or now I'm doing this like yeah suddenly I didn't have much going on at all right so at first it was the shoplifting because then at least I thought I could look cute or whatever I was trying to do with those clothes eventually I did get caught actually and they like pulled me into an office and it was

this whole thing so that was a reality check I look back on that time and I felt like I was just not myself. Like I was treating my dad. I wasn't treating him badly. I wasn't appreciating the help he was giving me. And ever since then, I've like committed myself to kind of apologizing, almost like it's been six, seven years now and I'm still trying to redeem myself from that time. It's like living amends. Like you, like through your actions probably, right? Exactly. And now that I have a business and I have gotten more successful. I like to take care of people, especially the people that I felt like I wasn't as nice to back then because I was in so much pain. What was like the, what was the point where you, so you left school, medical leave? I took a medical leave. I don't know if that's what I did.

And you went off all your meds. Right. And you were shoplifting and you were, you were doing these other things. So yes. How did you start then embracing like a different lifestyle? So after a few, few months of that tough period of coming off the meds, I started to have some clarity on what my life looked like. Because even when I left school, I didn't have a full view on what was happening. And I feel like when you go home and you're by yourself, suddenly I was alone. That, that I think is a key part. I wasn't listening to other people. I wasn't like, I could only hear my own thoughts. So I was looking at my life and I was like, oh, I don't have a degree. I don't have a job. I don't have any goals or passions. I've probably gained 60 plus pounds. I've been treating my body like shit. I have BPD

and I don't do anything about it. Like BPD takes a lot of maintenance. Either you need to be on medication, doing DBT, therapy. It's not the kind of disorder that you can just let go if that makes sense. Because I mean, a large percentage of people with BPD end their life, which is really scary. And back then when I read that stat. I was certain that that would be me too. So I kind of had this realization that I needed to take extra care of myself. So that was when I felt like, okay, I need some control here. What's something that I can do? And the first thing I thought of was fitness, potentially because Greg, who I was kind of on and off seeing when I was able to, he was so committed to fitness. and I'd never really seen that before.

He was meal prepping and going to the gym twice a day. He was bodybuilding. And I was like, maybe if I reach out to him and say, hey, can you just point me in the right direction? I can gain some control in my life. And that's what I did. When it comes to hair products, there is one that reigns supreme. So this is a product that was introduced to me a couple years ago when I decided to get creative with my hair color. You guys probably remember, I went from the blonde five.

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We are talking a lot about habits and routines in this episode. And you know that I am a big fan of micro-habits. I think that we don't have to overhaul our whole lives, but we can incorporate these little things that add up to make a big difference. One of my favorite micro habits, of course, is athletic greens. So I drink AG1 from athletic greens every morning I have for a long time. And I absolutely love it. It makes me feel good.

I feel like I'm supporting my body. And it's especially helpful around the holidays when habits and routines are kind of all over the place. So with one scoop of athletic greens, you are absorbing 75 high quality vitamins, minerals, whole food source superfoods, probiotics, and adaptogens to help you start your day right. This special blend of ingredients supports your gut health, your nervous system, your immune system, your energy, recovery, focus, even aging, all of the things. So I like to drink mine. As soon as I wake up, I mix a scoop of agey one with some water, shake it up, and you guys know the deal. I really have come to crave this in the morning. I love the flavor. It's like kind of a

sweet vanilla pineapple flavor. I think it tastes amazing. And I just feel like I am checking off so many boxes as soon as I wake up. Also, if you have holiday travel coming up, they have these travel packs that are amazing. It's so convenient. And that way you don't have to pack a million supplements when you are traveling, which is very inconvenient. So to make it easy right now, Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athletic greens.com slash blonde files. Again, that's athletic greens.com slash blonde files to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. How did you start working out?

To go from nothing, to go from this, you know, crazy, unhealthy lifestyle, what was the first thing that you did? Did you start walking? Did you start, did you go, right into weightlifting, where you're doing an app? Like, what did that look like for you? So I started with food, actually. I felt like that was the easiest first step for me. My general breakfast was a blueberry muffin or a pumpkin muffin, sometimes both. I haven't had a muffin in six years, by the way.

They look incredible and they just make me feel like shit. Muffins and a giant iced coffee with milk and sugar, I have a mood disorder. Like adding caffeine and sugar first thing in the morning was the worst thing I could have been doing. So. Oh yeah. Because your blood sugar probably. Oh yeah. And the caffeine, you're high for like an hour and then you crash down. Yeah, I was not helping myself in any way, shape or form. So I pretty much copied Greg's because as we were talking about, you go through stages in your fitness journey where maybe at first you're like, oh, let me copy so and so. And then you quickly realize that it doesn't work for you. But that was my starting point. I copied Greg's breakfast. so I would eat six eggs, a bowl of oatmeal and blueberries. And I thought that this was perfect. I was like, Greg, look, I'm eating the bodybuilder breakfast.

And he was like, oh, well, you know, I'm 250 pounds of muscle. Like, maybe you don't need to eat that much protein. And I was like, okay, yeah, you're probably right. So over time, I tuned that to my body and realized maybe I respond better to healthy fats rather than all these carbs first thing in the morning. Everyone's different. Like some people respond great to something like that. for me with where I was at with my mood, healthy fats were amazing for me because it had that

long sustained energy throughout the day. Then I also started doing long walks with my dog Lulu. I would take her out like three times a day and we'd just go on these long walks, which eventually turned into jogs. That's where I started. But during that time, it was like really the era of the like the fitness girls were coming out on social media. And there was like bikini competitors, BBG, all these things were popping up. I leaned towards the bikini competitors and I would just watch all their what I eat in the days, how they would prep for competitions. I wanted to learn from the best was my thought process. So that really inspired me to get into the gym. I think Greg took me my first time and showed me a few of the basics. So I really was lifting like a bodybuilder from the

beginning and I fell in love with it pretty quick. That's not to say that I was. I was, wasn't intimidated at first at the gym because as a beginner and when you're not comfortable with who you are and you walk into a gym, everyone looks amazing, everyone knows what they're doing, it's scary. So there would be a few times where I'd leave crying. I was still battling with my BPD really bad. So if someone looked at me weird or made a comment, I would run out. But over time, I just kept going every day. Even if the workout sucked or I would just be on the treadmill, I made sure I was in there every day because I felt like just developing that habit would make me more mentally tough. That was my goal throughout the whole thing was just to become a more strong individual on the

inside. I think it's really interesting though that you kind of started by emulating what he was doing and that was like your shoe in or that was like your foot in the door. And I think we talk so much about finding what works for you and everything and that is so important. But if following whatever, you know, influencer, you're inspired by following their what I eat in a day or doing somebody's workout schedule. If that's all you know and that's, that's the way that you're going to start, I think that's amazing. And then you can find what works for you and you can realize, you know, oh, this type of exercise like isn't really feeling good or like this for breakfast doesn't make me feel really energized. So I think we kind of, I don't know, there's just this emphasis on like

doing you and that's obviously so important. But. that you can look to inspiration if you're like starting at zero and you don't even know where to start. If it's better than what you were doing before, then at least you're starting somewhere and you're never going to figure out what works for you unless you try something first. Yeah. How did you stay consistent? Because I feel like this is everybody's biggest problem. Myself included. This is why I have like a trainer and I like for Pilates because I have to go there. It's scheduled. It's in my calendar. I'm accountable to those people. You know, I'm paying for it. Yeah. So like that's what gets me to go consistently. And I hear from people so often, like they can commit to it for a month and, you know, they can show up or whatever. And then they just kind of fall off. And I know that that is so hard. So do you have any tips for people who are struggling with consistency, whether they fell off or they're just starting or they're feeling like they just can't show up for themselves consistently? So to be honest at the beginning,

I can relate to your story in that I had no choice. Like, I really felt like unless I do something to change and improve right now, I will end up as that statistic. Like, I'm going to slip backwards and end up where I started. So for me, it was kind of a survival mechanism at the beginning, and that's what got me going. There's so much power and desperation. Like, it is such a gift. It's like a kind of cheesy recovery saying, like, gift of desperation.

I agree. I'm forever grateful that I had that rock bottom. experience because I don't think it would have given me that momentum that I needed to get going. In terms of staying consistent, I definitely used a lot of motivational tools. I wasn't like perusing social media and looking at things that didn't serve me. I was only watching things that got me going. So like I found motivational speakers. Connor McGregor for some reason was super motivational to me at the time.

So I'd watch him. I would like literally on YouTube type motivational. workout video and watch that before I went. So I used tools to get me going and I really kind of put myself in this community of people who loved working out, even if it was just online. That's all I consumed throughout the day. And then also just kind of like thinking of things in daily chunks. I didn't think like, I want to lose 90 pounds in a year. That was never how I started. I was just, I have to show up at the gym today at some point and I have to eat. the meals that I've decided on. And it's not like I was restricting heavily. I was eating a good

amount of food. It was just clean food and nutritious food. So I think it was more about like a daily checklist for me than a huge monthly goal. And that kept me going. I had fun date nights every week. So I kept that enjoyable. And also I wanted to make, I don't know, I wanted to make Greg proud. That was a big thing for me, but also prove everyone wrong. I kind of had a chip on my shoulder going into it because I felt like a lot of people doubted me. And I was like, let me prove it to them. And I know that's not necessarily the most healthy mindset to have. But I think to get you going at the beginning, use whatever you can. Yeah. Totally. I can relate to that. I mean, I felt a little bit of that when I got sober, too. Like, oh, I have to prove to everybody that I'm not a degenerate. That's so funny

about the Connor McGregor. I'm very motivated by LeBron James. I watch his stories and when he's like in the gym working out, I'm like, I'm going to go to the gym and work out this person who I have absolutely nothing in common with. But I'm like, yeah, he's super motivating. I think that athlete mentality is really helpful when you need control in your life because those people have so much structure. That was what I was mastery. Right. Like that's what motivated me so much back then. It wasn't just about changing my body. It was like, how can I develop structure in my life? And yeah, like this was my one focus. I had nothing else going on. And I feel like it's a steam building. When you make a commitment with yourself and you go in there, I felt this with BBG. You know, I would go in there, have this really challenging workout ahead of me. I knew it was going to be really challenging. And then when I completed that and kept that commitment with myself, like that built up

myself esteem so much over the course of the time that I was doing that. And it still does today. I think keeping your own promises is the biggest confidence. booster, which for people like us who lacked that in the past, I think all of my confidence that I have now was built during those nine months of that finished journey. Yeah, it's like, I don't know, I feel like I get my confidence, my esteem, not from the things that I say I'm going to do or the things that I think I'm going to do or the things that I intend to do.

It's just from what I actually do. It's just actions, you know? 100%. Was there anything that you found over that course? of time when you lost the 90 pounds. I mean, did it just start to kind of like melt off? Or did you find like, oh, when I incorporated more protein and more fats, like that gave me the energy to then work out in a way that I was losing weight? Like, what seemed to be kind of the formula for you? Waits from the beginning, it was interesting because a lot of girls online were really scared

of weights. They felt like it would bulk them up and I still get that DM all the time. But when I was weightlifting, I was like, this is hard. Like, I was sweating my ass off with these heavy weights. It was really tough for me to get through a 45-minute workout with these weights. And that was really effective for me at the beginning. I think a lot of the time with fitness, you see a lot of progress at the beginning and then it tends to like dwindle off because you hit a plateau or you need to switch things up. I think along the way, figuring out what diet kept me the most satisfied was really helpful. So for me, that was a lot of like olive oil,

avocados, salmon. I think food is more important than exercise, in my opinion, when it comes to fitness. Because I think I could have just changed my diet and felt so much better by itself, especially with my mood. I think that was super helpful. I didn't really incorporate cardio until later on.

And I think when people hear cardio, they get like a little bit of a knee-jerk reaction. Like, oh, I hate cardio. And I'm not a huge. fan either. But I think it can be as simple as like doing a 20 minute walk in your day. And that's useful for your brain anyway. Go like relax, go unwind, listen to a podcast. So I think finding that balance between the weights and doing a little bit of cardio here and there and the healthy fats was huge for me. I'm always interested to hear what people find more important, the nutrition or the exercise.

And I can see it going both ways because I think we talked to. about this before. I feel like if I'm exercising and I'm keeping that commitment and I'm putting this effort into my body, that carries over into my eating habits. And I want to eat better to support that. But you can't really have the energy to, you know, maximize those workouts and feel good doing it if you're not eating well. So it's kind of like a chicken or the egg. Exactly. I find so the thing I react to the worst to is sugar still if I have a tiny bite like last night I went to a friend's giving and I had a tiny bite of this gluten-free vegan pumpkin pie and I felt it within 10 minutes like my whole brain shutting down I'm exhausted even when I woke up I had a little hangover

I'm not sure what it is with me and sugar but I just know if I have a tough workout the next morning sugar is my worst enemy you know because I'm going to feel it the whole time what are some other tools that you have in your toolkit. So exercise, super important. Nutrition, super important. I know that you struggle still with anxiety and you are still managing, like you said, your borderline personality disorder. That's a lifelong thing. So what are your non-negotiables now? Therapy, huge. And finding a good therapist. I think I, not that my previous therapist was bad in any way, but she wasn't well suited to my new life because I had a social media platform and I lived. in L.A. And that's a whole new issue. Like, not issue, but that's a whole new can of words.

It does come with a different set of issues for sure. Exactly. And I had this therapist who was on the oldest side and she lived back in New York. And it took me too long to switch to my new therapist who specialized in BPD and some of the family issues I have and works with other people who are on social media or even actors and actresses who have a lot of people looking at them all the time. And that connection has been so huge for me. And I've really unlocked in the past year of talking to her just a whole new level of healing. So therapy for sure, being alone, which is so crazy, because I used to hate being alone. Like, worst fear being alone. And now I get frazzled if I'm surrounded by people all day. Same. Right? Like you need to be alone. Are we the same person? I know. I'm a little bit shocked

by this entire experience, we might be the same person. Being alone for sure. Oh, what's a third one? I think it's the food. I know I keep talking about food, but it has changed my life. I think food is medicine. I really do. And fish oil. Fish oil. Tell me about the fish oil. I've heard you talk about this on another podcast. I was like, I guess I need to get fish oil. It's like, if I'm going to skip every supplement, I still need my fish oil. That was one of my questions. I was going to ask you, from your supplement line, what one supplement if you had to pick one? Oh, God. The greens are the best for that all in one and they taste amazing and they have tons of fruits and veggies. So that is the one I recommend to anyone wanting to try Bloom. Fish oil for me has just changed the game. I remember

when I started using it probably three, four years ago because all these studies came out about fish oil with depression and anxiety. It essentially acts like an SSRI without taking an SSRI. And at the I was not taking, I'm pretty terrified of medication after my experience. So I was like, ooh, something I can do that's holistic and might help me with my mood. And I felt like the second I started taking it, not the second, but maybe after a couple weeks, I felt like my memory was so much better. My mood was more stable. I just think it improved my whole life. And now I really, I take six pills a day. So I take quite a lot. I do like three in the morning, three at night. Three in morning, three at night. That's a lot of. That's a lot of. That's a lot of.

a lot of fish oil pills. A lot of fish oil pills. You know, I've never really struggled with that. Okay. I think the liquid fish oil would be another story. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I don't even really think about it at this point. And the feeling of feeling better and helping my brain out is so much, it's worth it, you know? Yeah. Kind of going back to something that you mentioned before we got on the supplement topic. And I'm just curious about your experience with this. But you mentioned in therapy, you found a therapist who works with people who are in the industry and have a lot of people looking at them. How has that affected all of this? Because it is a unique experience and people probably think it would be really great, but it's not always really great, especially when you

struggle with these things. So yeah, how has that affected you? And what is something about that that people might not think? So initially I felt like my social media page was a saving grace for me because on the fitness journey, I cut out a lot of people in my life. A lot of my friends were partiers and I was known as the drinker of the crew. So I kind of needed to shed that group unfortunately and I did it in a little bit of a hardcore way. I just cut them out. So getting online and sharing my fitness journey allowed me to find like-minded people and it gave me a sense of fulfillment because I was helping other girls change their lives too and seeing their transformations. and that still is at the core of what I do every day.

But things have definitely escalated more than I could have imagined. So it was a saving grace, very fulfilling for me. Now that I've been in social media since 2017, I'm still unpacking the effect. It's out on me, but you know how I was talking about before, the detachment I have from old me to new me? Social media, in a way, became... another coping mechanism because I could kind of create this identity that was like in control

and perfect. And even though I was sharing a lot of the vulnerable stuff, over the years, social media has evolved into this kind of scary place. You can't have an opinion, really. You can't disagree with people. And it's become this place where you can speak less and less and be less of who you are, actually. Even though there's more and more content and it's so saturated, I feel like I've not been able to be myself in the last few years, and that's why I love podcasting so much, because I think you can dive deep on topics that you really want to talk about. But I've noticed that I feel somewhat detached from who I am online

to who I am in real life, especially as I'm on this healing journey right now of figuring out my trauma, in a child work, all of those things. Those things are difficult to unpack in a 10-second video. So I'm still figuring out my relationship with what that is. And also I've noticed because of my deep insecurity from my childhood, when I do meet followers in real life and they tell me that I change their life and they have emotional stories, I want to connect with it so badly. But sometimes I find myself disassociating because I can't handle the compliment. I feel like I can't take it and I can't view myself the way they've.

view me. Recently we went to New York and going back to where I grew up and having a meet and greet there was so strange because I was like, oh, this is where I was in such a bad place. But now I'm back here and people are telling me that I changed their life. And I was able to connect a bit more in that circumstance. And it felt really good. But I have had situations where I just completely disassociate because I can't handle that view of me, if that makes sense. Yeah. And when you're sensitive too. It's just, it can be a lot because all of these people and you have millions of followers, they feel close to you. But for you, you are still putting out what you choose to put out. So it is still kind of a narrative. And I'm not saying that in a bad way. But I've had that

experience too where it's just a hard thing to receive sometimes and to have that energy, you know, kind of like thrown at you. I mean, it's always great and flattering and all of that, but I can understand how that could be difficult. And like, it used to be so easy on social media back when we started, so easy to curate exactly who you wanted to be. Because it was a picture. Yeah. And a caption, probably a long-winded caption, you know, saying whatever you wanted to say. And that was it. Yeah. And then Instagram stories came along and it was like, okay, I guess we're like doing video now, but still very curated. And now it's like, people, respect everything and they want the raw and the vulnerable and they want every aspect of your

life. Yeah. And I think social media is not going anywhere and it's, you have to learn how to have boundaries with it. I've started to view it more and more as a business. Yeah. Than like my real life, I think. And I used to share so much. Like I used to kind of overshare everything. I kept it as like a diary and I'm grateful that I did that because I think that's what really set my business up to be successful because people were so invested in my life and the behind the scenes and creating the products now I don't feel as safe on there so I don't share quite as much and I also think it's interesting because there's this perception that when you have a lot of followers that you have a lot of friends so people think that I'm like surrounded by people all the time like I remember telling

my granny about my wedding she was like oh all your followers coming and I was like no granny like No, they're not coming. I've got 10 people coming to my wedding because in reality, I'm still at home alone with Fee most of the time. But still, like it's kind of an isolating job. And I don't think people realize that. So I think also people look in and think that you have this perfect world of a life, but I still have daily struggles, you know. So your businesses are hugely successful. And, you know, you do have to, I would imagine, maintain all of the. that on social media. So tell everyone about them, first of all. And then how do you turn off and have that real life that you were talking about? Yeah, that's, I'm working on that. So the first business I ever had was Mari Fitness. And that kind of happened at the same time as my page. So when my followers started going up, I got a lot of requests for workout plans, nutrition plans. So I created PDF workout guides. That was like the error of the PDF for me. I had the BBG PDF.

There we go. We love a PDF. The PDF set us up for a pretty good, like, launch into the other companies. We sold them for $5, and I would manually email them to people. So people would send me their little PayPal, and I would email that it was a horrible system. I was on my phone all day doing this. But you've got to be in the trenches for a while there. So that was the beginning.

Can I just say, I love that you did it for $5. I mean, I know a PDF is not like, you know, an app or whatever. these days, but I see some fitness influencers, people in the space who will do like their monthly program for $90 or whatever. And I'm like maybe in the short term, that's going to like make you more money. But I feel like to really build that community and I don't know, and to grow as a business, you know, like that makes it more inclusive and more accessible for so many people to have it, you know, priced at a point. me as well. You're literally like rejecting customers by doing that. My whole point was to get more

people into fitness and make it approachable. And also like I was new. I needed to prove myself. I wanted to show everyone, hey, I'm here to help. And I think because of the deep rooted insecurity I have, I never thought that I was worth more than that as well. But it was a mixture of things. I really wanted to introduce people to fitness in an approachable way. That has now become the Slay app because Hi, it's 2022. We're on apps now. And that's also very fairly priced. So I've always kept that approach. I think it's the best way from a business perspective to get people interested in using your product on a consistent basis, but also from who I am, I want it to be accessible to anyone that follows me. And a lot of my followers aren't in L.A. They're in Kansas, Texas. They're all

over the place. And I want to be able to give them this option. In 2018, we had the idea to start a supplement company, mostly because I was looking for supplements at the time. And you probably remember that error, but it was like C4 and like all male dominated products. Yes. Like there really wasn't anything for us. And I wanted to create something for us.

So the first product we did was a natural pre-workout. I have anxiety. And I wanted something that gave me like focus at the gym, but not crazy energy. I need this. Oh, we'll get you some. As other pre-workout, I mean, I may as well be back on cocaine. Right.

And I need a drink to bring it down. Yeah, there we go. It's just not a good thing for me. Exactly. So I didn't want all those jitters and anxiety. So I created that product. Sold out pretty quickly. And I kept the followers really involved.

Like they helped me design the labels. By the way, me and Greg, my husband, were doing everything ourselves. Like designing labels, designing the website, customer service, photography, everything. So it took over my life for years, but it was such a passion project. And Bloom still is my baby, but it's now a giant baby. And that was the first product. And then a few months later, we launched our greens, which has now become our most. I mean, it's like 75, 80% of our revenue.

Wow. And that really took off. And the greens are kind of what we're known for now. And we have a whole team. We've got like 30 people working for us. We're in Target. Wow. It's insane.

That's amazing. Thank you. What would you say is the most fulfilling part of your business now at this point? Ooh. Things like this. I've definitely surprised myself at how business savvy I am because if you asked me before I had a business, I'd say, oh, I don't know anything about business. That's not my thing.

But through the process, I've learned so much about marketing and I'm really into it. I love branding. I love marketing. and I'm still very involved with the creative side of Bloom. I've never been like a money person. I never will be. If I look at a number, I just like faint. I can't do it.

But I love connecting with people like you and getting stories like mine and yours out there because I think when I was at the beginning of my journey, listening to girls talk about their stories and following their fitness journeys saved me. Like that was what got me going. And if I can do that for someone who is now in the position I was in, that's so helpful. So my most fulfilling thing is doing things like this and also meeting people in person

and hearing their stories. Well, your content is so amazing and so inspirational and just hearing your story. I mean, I keep saying it. Like, I can just relate so much. And I'm sure everybody listening has found something that they can relate to too. And I think that is so important because back when we started, you saw the picture. And I would see the after picture and think, okay, they're perfect. They do everything perfectly. And I would create this whole story. and find ways that I was like inferior. And, you know, that there are pros and cons to how social media has evolved, obviously, in the last few years.

But I think that, you know, the emphasis on storytelling and sharing, you know, struggles and triumphs and all of that is so important because we realize that, like, everyone is going through something and everyone has been through something and nobody is perfect, you know. There's so many more things I want to ask you, but I think we're out of time. So I'm going to ask you what I ask a lot of guests at the end. that's one thing we should start doing, one thing we should stop doing. Oh, okay, let me think about this. Start finding hobbies as an adult. Ooh. I think for so long, I used, I thought fitness was my hobby. It's not. Like, I love fitness and it's changed my life, but I wasn't having enough fun.

And I really was using fitness as a control. And as of recently, I've tapped into my inner child and been trying things that I do simply for fun. They're not for business. They're not for content. They're not for my body. I've been so into horseback riding and it's changed my life. Amazing. I have found so much joy in that. Something we should stop doing. Consuming things with canola oil. I just have a massive problem with canola oil. Tell us. I just think it causes so much inflammation. It drives me crazy. And I think in America, you would be shocked at the ingredients on some of these products. has canola oil in it and I literally think that that should be a crime. And restaurants too. Like even if you think you're eating clean, most of them use canola oil because it's cheap.

It's crazy. Yeah. I think in Europe you're not allowed to do that. We got to look into that. Everything's better in Europe. Thank you. If I lived in Europe, I would be eating cheese and bread right now. Oh my God. I went in May to Italy and then France and September and I ate cheese, bread, butter, all of it. And I was like feeling like a million bucks. Same. I look at. better when I was eating dairy in Europe. Yeah. Yes. What is that? I mean, they do it, like, especially in France, I don't remember if they did this in Italy. Maybe it's more of a French thing, but like the cheese after dinner, it's an actual course. And I remember I had a microbiologist, gastroenterologist, whatever, gut health expert who his whole life is devoted to studying the gut brain

connection, all of that. We were talking about like dairy-free everything. And he mentioned that how, like in Europe, the cheese course is a thing and they get, you know, natural probiotics that way. And I'm sure people listening are going to come at me for saying Europe is better. Europe is better. Everyone's got their own issues. But the food there is freaking amazing. I agree. Thank you so much for coming on.

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