Well with Arielle Lorre - 237: How to Navigate Heartache, Breakups and Difficult Relationships with Heartbreak Coach Claire Byrne

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Claire Byrne is a heartbreak coach and one-stop-shop for people who want to navigate painful breakups, heal themselves, and come out better and happier than before. She is also a contributor at POOSH, writing about heartbreak, dating and relationships since it launched in 2019. She joins the show to discuss how NOT to let heartbreak consume your life, how whether we truly need closure and forgiveness, and her 5 step process for not wanting your partner back. We also talk about how to know when it’s time to walk away from a relationship, anxious and avoidant attachment styles, how to avoid scarcity mindset and more. We speak really candidly about both of our relationship experiences (past and present) including rock bottom relationships and how we made different choices after.   Visit www.delaviesciences.com to receive 25% off your first order of Aeonia Age Defying Serum. Use promo code “BLONDE” at checkout to receive your discount.   Head to hatch.co and get free expedited shipping on your new Restore 2 so you can start feeling well-rested ASAP.   Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com/BLONDE and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.   Right now, LMNT is offering my listeners a free sample pack with any order. Get yours at DrinkLMNT.com/BLONDEFILES.   Go to GreenChef.com/blonde60 and use code 'blonde60' to get 60% off plus free shipping.   Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Blonde Files podcast. I'm your host, Ariel Lorry, and I'm here to talk all things wellness. From how to achieve optimal health and well-being to the best beauty tips and everything in between, no topic is off limits. I know there's so much information out there, so I'm bringing on expert guests and sharing my own experiences to help you sift through all the wellness stuff without the BS. Enjoy the show.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I always laugh at myself when I do that intro and my friends like do it to me all the time now, which also makes me laugh. But that's it. That's the intro. For a long time, I said I was going to come up with something different, but that's it. Anyway, welcome to the show. So when I do Instagram Q&As, I always get questions about breakups, heartbreak, how to deal with heartbreak, how to deal with heartbreak, how to deal with. How to with breakups, how to know when to leave a relationship, all of the things. And I am not necessarily the most qualified person to talk about this, especially because I keep my own relationship pretty private. So I thought it would be perfect to have my guest Claire Burn on. So Claire is a heartbreak coach based in Santa Barbara. She's been writing articles on heartbreak, dating, and relationships for Pooch over the last four years since it launched in 2019. She became a heartbreak coach after struggling to find the right help for her as she navigated one failed relationship after the next throughout her 20s and 30s and specifically what she refers to as her rock bottom relationship.

And she created a process to not only heal, but to find somebody better, which she did herself three and a half years ago. She's now in a really fulfilling relationship. and she has a lot of experience and a lot of great tips to share. So one of the reasons why I really love this episode and I think you'll like it too is that she is sharing her experience and her kind of expertise, but it's also just a really candid relationship between the two of us about relationships that we've been through, breakups that we've been through, how we've navigated that, some similarities that we've experienced. And I probably reveal more in this episode about my relationships past and I can't remember if I talked

about like current things, but it's just pretty revealing and just a really honest conversation, which I think a lot of people can relate to. So we are talking about attracting unavailable men. We talk about self-sabotaging thoughts. We talk about how to not let a hard break take over your life. This is huge. We talk about whether or not we need to forgive, whether or not we need closure. We talk about her five-step process for not wanting him back. We talk about how to date yourself, but like not in the cliche way that you hear about from a lot of other people. We talk about how to know when it's time to walk away from a relationship, anxious and avoidant attachment, how to know if somebody is right for you, how to avoid a scarcity

mindset when it comes to not only dating but also breaking up. A lot of people stay in relationships because they are scared that there is not one other person out there in the world for them. And so they stay in like unfulfilling relationships for a long time. We talk about that, how to make different choices in the future and so much more. So please enjoy Claire Byrne. I think this is relevant to anybody listening, whether they are single in a relationship right now, navigating heartbreak, whatever it is. We've all experienced it at some. point. So why don't you just introduce yourself to the audience to start? I'm Claire Byrne and I decided to get on this path because I found myself, I'm 42 now. I found myself throughout my 20s and most of my 30s

just getting into really toxic dysfunctional relationships. And intellectually, I knew I was the common denominator. I was a soul searcher. I was a yoga teacher. I wanted to. I wanted to learn. I wanted to heal. I wanted to grow. I wanted to be the change, but I just still kept attracting unavailable men. And then I discovered coaching and really looking at how our thoughts create our results. And I heard your most recent episode with Maggie Lberger and I really loved it because I think it can be DBT and CBT, right, and figuring out even moment to moment what is appropriate for me to move through. But the thoughts creating results, especially with just the way that I was thinking about myself that drove self-sabotaging behaviors about myself, not even in my

love life in, you know, my acting career or as a yoga teacher or as a friend or my thoughts about my body, my relationship with my finances, all of it was just unhealthy. And so when I started to clean all of that up and really see my worth, then really was able to be. put myself in a different position to see, yeah, you know, he wasn't that great, but I wasn't that great either. And I see, you know, you hear like attracts like, right? But you don't, but I'm not a narcissistic sociopath. I didn't cheat. So we can't say that we're alike. But the lack of love he demonstrated for me was a mirror reflection of the lack of love I had for myself. And so I could work with that and then started to create a process of how to show up

differently in my dating life. And I lived in L.A. and I lived in New York, both tricky cities to navigate. But it wasn't about the cities. It was about how I was showing up. And then ultimately met the love of my life and moved to Santa Barbara, California. So I want to get into this whole timeline and both relationships. But when you say that you were attracting unavailable men, was it something that you were doing? You said that it was more about cleaning up a lot of different areas of your life. but were you also choosing, I mean, you were choosing the wrong people, but when you look back, were you just like, oh, I just had to get right with myself before I could get right with somebody else, or was it a combination of that and then also like what you were looking for, maybe your approach

to dating and relationships and all of that? It was all of it. Ariel, it was all of it. I wasn't consciously aware of who I was getting into relationships with. I wasn't aware of what red flags were, and then I wasn't aware of what signs of unavailability are. And those are two very different things. I mean, yeah, you could say unavailability is a red flag, but there are obvious blatant red flags when people are just treating you poorly. That I was, it was easy to clock.

But just having conversations, you know, I was an actress throughout my 20s and into my early 30s, so I date a lot of artists who were just flying by the seat of their pants. Now, so was I. But in my head, I just assumed, oh, if we're in law. love, of course we're going to be planning a future together, you know? And just so I wasn't, I was assuming a lot and not paying attention to unavailability, not listening to my gut, and then noticing that I would put so much energy into the Mr. Rongs and not really look at all the areas in my life that I could be putting a lot more focus on. And so then I'd be despairing in those areas and then despairing about them. But I think my biggest pain point was,

the heartache that I would continually experience and would just take over and disrupt auditions and really disrupt my friendships. I still cringe when I think about like I was that girl obsessively talking about it and wanting to unpack it and get everybody's different opinion on it. I feel like we all have that friend. Yeah. And I've been that friends. So if someone's listening and going, oh God, that's me, it's okay. But, you know, I was seeing how. I was seeing how how the heartbreak really was bleeding into different areas of my life and affecting different areas of my life in the biggest way. Whereas for some people, it could be their body stuff or their financial stuff or their career stuff. For me, it was like the heartbreak was the thing that was

the most cripplingly painful for me. And it would take me forever to get over someone, whether we were together for three months or a year, you know. And so that was just the theme. And then finally, in my last heartbreak in 2017 and I plan on it being the last. I was already a coach. I was very fascinated by this coaching work, but it was just, you know, I was very shy about it like, I'm a general life coach for women, just keep it vague. And then when my heart got broken that last time, I started to look for a heartbreak coach. And that was a, that was in 2017, which is really just, it was five and a half years ago. And I couldn't find anything. And I was like, oh, late a second. Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to be putting a voice to this because I knew I wasn't

alone and I think a lot of heartbroken women very much feel alone, even if they've got supportive girlfriends. If they're not experiencing it, that was another thing for me too at my rock bottom at 29, 30 years old. That was my worst heartbreak and really with someone who I would describe to be a narcissistic sociopath with the cheating, the lying, the gaslighting, everything you're thinking is wrong and you're crazy. But actually it turned out everything. I was thinking was right with a different relationship with a different woman and all of that stuff. And I really felt like I really felt like I was crazy and that no one could ever understand. And then I started to learn about the narcissist and the empath and the dance between the two and

just being like, people are not talking about this. And now I think that the industry is saturated with a lot of relationship coaches and the world needs us. At that time, like that's what really inspired me to get specifically into heartbreak coaching. Yeah, I mean, you've found, found the niche. Like, I feel like everyone that I have on this show, and I say it all the time, who have successful businesses, who have successful products, whatever it is, they can't find what they need in the market. And so they set out to do that. And I think when it comes to helping other people, there's no more qualified person than the person who has gone through it themselves again and again. I mean, that's the case with sobriety. You know, there's something about

talking to another alcoholic who's gone through what I've gone through, who can reach me in a way that no therapist ever could if they haven't experienced that. And I, so I think it's amazing. But I want to talk a little bit about your rock bottom relationship. I too had a rock bottom relationship, but mine was in my teens. However, it shaped my entire life because I feel like it was just a formative time. And I've heard you talk about closure. And I think that this is something that's so important for people to hear because I know in my experience during that relationship and it kind of stretched on into my 20s and I wanted closure so badly. And it's funny because now 20 years later we're friends and we're cool. But I look back and I'm like, actually there's nothing he could

have said or given to me at that time that would have been sufficient because I had to heal within myself. So can you talk about your experience with that a little bit too? Yeah, I'm definitely not friends. Yeah. Sounds like different circumstances, different issues, maybe. But you know, everyone, you know, there's so much talk about healing and forgiveness. I'm like, we don't have to forgive. I love that it happened. Right. Yeah. I love that it happened, though, which is part of the closure, right? If that relationship didn't happen, I would not have the magical relationship that I have today. I can, you know, talk to Lynn Blum in the face about all the horrific things he did that I always say a lifetime movie couldn't even make up. I mean, it was just.

so manipulative and just also like brilliant. Like he was a mastermind of what he was doing to myself and other women. And I definitely did not get the closure from him. And I did all the things of, I do what I do because I did everything that I coached my clients on now. Right. Like I wrote him a letter being like, I know what you did. The least you could do is say sorry. Right. And what would that have done for you at the time? Nothing because because here's the deal. We. think if they say, I'm so sorry, you're right, that will feel better, but it actually doesn't. I don't, and maybe someone listening could say, it actually made me feel better. Yeah, is it a little validating? It doesn't change what he did. And you're still left alone and you're still mourning

the future that no longer exists between the two of you. So, yeah, it's nice to hear someone say, you're right. I'm sorry. And look, I mean, he's, he's, he's, he's. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's not living under a rock. I'm sure he's aware of the business that I have now. And, you know, there's just mutual friends and with social media. But, you know, if I ever got an apology, sure, couldn't hurt, you know, I'm certainly, you know, 12 years later not sitting around waiting for one or looking for one. But it really required me to look at myself, pull up. I always say this is my, my coaching approach is really a tough love approach. Yes, you get to grieve, you get to mourn what happened was so unfair if you were dating someone who really treated you poorly. And again,

it's not black and white. But there comes a time where you've got to pull up your big girl pants and say, okay, but what am I doing with this now? And how did I attract this person? I always say to my clients, what worked, what didn't work? What would I do differently next time? Can you look at it from a non-judgmental, curious space and say, yeah, I wouldn't do it again, but that happened? How can I have compassion and understanding for the choices that I made at the time that I will commit to never do again, but also if I do it again, I'll pick myself back up again, right? And really look at what am I doing now with my relationship with myself? And also, and again, I'm speaking specifically to the rock bottom relationship, in my opinion, he was so horrific with how he treated me and other women.

An apology from him is not what I need for closure. I need to. I need to. I need to. apologize to myself and have compassion with myself. And I say this to my clients all the time because, you know, it's like, how does he get off scot-free? And I'm here picking up the pieces, which I also felt at that time. And it's like, you know what? Asholes exist in the world. They do. And I have a podcast myself and I did an episode called When Mean Guys When. They thrive in Hollywood. They thrive in their careers. They find beautiful women. And, again, Again, I recognize I'm speaking in heteronormative terms here. You know, women do it to men and non-binary.

It happens to us all. But, you know, they exist. And the more time and energy we spend seething and ruminating and shoulda-woulda-kuddin and wishing ill-will on them. Very human, right? You don't get to bypass that part. But at the end of the day, do you want to be spending your precious life energy ruminating and seeking revenge and fantasizing about him, you know, suffering or, you know, you hear that phrase, the best revenge is living your best life. Like, I don't care about what he's doing now. I care about what I'm doing now.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it's having a resentment. And there's that saying about having resentment and it's you're drinking the poison waiting for the other person to die. And when I think back to my rock bottom relationship, it really was what made me turn to drugs and alcohol because I didn't have the coping mechanisms. I was a teenager. I was so young to deal with the big emotions and the heartbreak and all of that. But then it fueled that alcoholism and addiction further because I was so resentful. How could he do this?

How didn't he got off scot-free and he doesn't care and blah, blah, blah, and like all these things. And, you know, I look at it like I was poisoning myself holding on to that. But I think at some point you have to unburdened. yourself of that resentment. Make peace with the situation. I know it's such a cliche thing to say, but, you know, he had his hard knocks in life. I think it's about really understanding the whole picture and understanding that different types of personalities exist and teachers coming in and out of our lives.

And, yeah, if you're harboring resentment, I mean, I dated a lot of people since him before I found the love of my life, you know, I really am like, thank you and thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because they all led me. Also, if you're willing to rise to the occasion for the lesson after each of them, it's very easy to fall into victim mode and say, he did this and he did that and how dare he? And now I've got my dukes up and I don't want to put myself out there and all the good ones are gone, right? No, are you willing to lean in? Yeah, finger point and get that out of your system, but then turn the finger back on you. Okay, what am I doing that I keep attracting these situations? And what can I do to better take? care of myself, own myself, love myself, and how can I go in a little more eyes wide open into the next one without any guarantees? Spring is upon us, and this time of year means spring cleaning. So if you were anything like me, it's also your annual reminder that you might need some more

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h-h-a-t-c-h-h-c-h-h-a-tac-coh, and you'll get free expedited shipping on your new Restore 2. So how do you typically coach people through heartache? I mean, you mentioned what you did in your own life, which included getting your own stuff together, getting your finance together, becoming a more realized version of yourself, I guess. But you have a whole process that you use with clients. So can you tell us a little bit about that? Absolutely. So five-step process to stop wanting him back. The first step is to cut contact.

And it's really hard to do that in 20-23, right? You can stock everyone, stock their mutual friends, stock their family members. And I just say rip the Band-Aid. That's what I love about the DBT, right? Like behavior before wanting to do that, right? So rip the Band-Aid. And then step two is to let your heartbreak, really grieve the process. And so most new clients who come to me say,

I already am. I already am. My heart's already broken. But there's a big difference between giving yourself permission to grieve and then resisting the grief, covering over it, numbing it out, pretending you're fine, and not really wanting to lean in. Step three, create closure, which we just talked about. You don't need it from the other person. Create it for yourself. Step four is my fall in love with you work, which can come up in different ways, as I mentioned, all those different ways, finance, body. And, you know, sometimes I have clients that come to me, Ariel, who are like, I have the house already. I actually have the kids already. You know, they're divorced or they're getting divorced. I've got a great job and I'm healthy, so I'm good on the fall in

love with you. There's always something, I mean, I still say in my most ideal relationship and having a dream job and feeling really comfortable in who I am inside and out at 42, there's always something that creeps up in your self-love journey. I always say that's an ongoing one, but I really do encourage my clients before you heal your heart, let's just date you, even if it's for 30 days, just do you and enjoy you where you're not heartbroken and you're not on the hunt for someone else. And then the last step would be to find someone better, which there's a whole process for that. And again, it's nuanced. I, you know, give this simple process, but it's not, you know, completely linear. And yeah, it works. You know, when you find someone better, you are definitely not

thinking of the last person that you've been with. But of course, you know, there's steps in between to get there. Yeah. That first step is so huge. I mean, thank God, my husband doesn't have social media or anything, like generational thing. But I didn't have to see or, yeah, I didn't see anything. Like, I didn't even really have to think about that. But I think it's so hard for people because when you're grieving, you want to check in and see what they're doing. And I feel like, honestly, though, that's the best thing that you could possibly do. It reminds me of a sex in the city episode where she's like, if we break up, like, you need to not exist. Yeah.

That's how I feel. Yeah. Because I like breakups do feel like a death. Yeah. Right? Because it's the death of a relationship. Because you have to think about them still out there with time. I know.

I know. I know. It really is. But I also love because, you know, when it comes to a drinking journey or a health goal journey, you have tangible steps. The thing with heartbreak is that it really is an intangible process for the most. part. So what I love about the cut contact, this is something you can actually tactically do. You know, you count the days of sobriety, you count the number of days,

maybe you're hitting the gym, exactly, whereas counting the days of no contact, but then also on top of that managing your mind around the no contact. And look, at the end of the day, when your brain is looking at the person and reminiscing and attach, attaching to the good times you are literally prolonging your heartbreak. And, you know, social media doesn't tell you everything. If that person is not posting pictures with someone new, that doesn't mean that they're not seeing someone. And if they are posting pictures with someone new, you're just going to feel worse. The bottom line is the two of you are not together. Don't wait to hear, again, heteronormative pronouns here, that he's off with another woman for you to know that there's the nail in the coffin.

go do that work now. You're not together now. I know that that's harsh to hear, but it's necessary in order for you to get to a better, healed, whole happier place. How do you know when it's time to walk away from that relationship versus maybe try to work on things? This is something that a lot of people DM me about. I think that they feel like I might have some insight, you know, because of my situation. But for me, it was really, I think for everybody, it's really individual. And absolutely. But I have a lot of women who message me who are like, you know, we broke up, but I want to get back together with him. What can I do? How can how can I get him back and blah, but, but? And I'm like, I don't know if it's, if that's right for you or if it's time for you to walk

away, you know, so how do you differentiate between that? Such a great question. And I actually just coach someone on this. The bottom line is first you have to get so clear. Are you both a aligned with what you want in life. Do you have the relationship that you want? And it might sound like a silly question because if you're thinking about, you know, if you're not working out or you're having trouble, but when I think about my boyfriend and I, we have the same values. We want the same things in life. We are just crazy about each other. We support each other. He has four kids. So there's that. I want to get into that too later. Yeah. You know. You know, There's so much, and he is a very demanding job.

I have a very demanding job. We both love our lives, but we work together at it. Are there hard times? Absolutely. Are there challenges? Absolutely. But we are both putting in the effort, and it's just like not even an option for us to break up. But I think the reason why it's not an option is because we really are on the same page about the most important things, 95% of the time.

So are you aligned with the same values and want the same things at the same time? Oftentimes when people come to me with that question, it's like, I'm ready to move forward in the relationship. He's not really there yet. He's stressed about his job. He's got some other things going on. Oh, he hasn't done the work on himself yet and he's still kind of nursing old wounds from his last relationship. Like that's just not that into you. Exactly. Are you both putting in the effort? And I love what you just said with your relationship. You know, I realized we didn't try everything. But both of you have to be all in. You know it's time to leave when you're waiting in the wings for that person to come around and you've been putting in all the effort and trying. And you've said it all and you're willing to like meet that person halfway. And they're like, I don't know. I don't know. It's just like I still need time. And it's like at some point you just have to say this is not. working. I'm here. I'm ready. This is the relationship that I want. We've been together long enough. I want us to move through the hard together. And if you need a night to yourself, that's fine, right? Because then it's also like, sometimes I need space. Okay, what does that look like for you? To your point, to each their own. But I think when people are asking that question, how do you know when to throw in the towel? They already know it's time to throw in the towel. Yeah, I agree with that. And I feel like if you have that doubt, then that's kind of your answer.

You know, I feel like people who are in maybe the strongest, healthiest relationships don't have that doubt. Like you're saying it's not even an option. It's not even a thought that I would entertain because we are in this together. But as soon as you start having those thoughts of like, maybe, and I wonder, those don't go away. Yeah. And I want to add to that because I had a lot of trauma. in past romantic relationships, I definitely, in my times of stress, go to fight or flight. So I'm either going to fight them or I'm going to want to run.

You know, so I still have my trauma responses at times and have that urge to run in times of stress. So, but that when I come back to my ground itself, you know, no, then it's not an option. But it's important for me to put that out there because, you know, you're still allowed to fight with your partner, question things. And I think that that's normal and human to question that. but that's different than being with someone who's just not giving you. Those are two different things, right? And we have these, like you said, trauma responses and dynamics that are kind of ingrained in us. And I have mine from my

whatever attachment issues when I was little and then the attachment issues from that traumatic relationship. Of course. I definitely have that knee-jerk reaction sometimes to go there. And I have to remind myself, like, no, we're 25 years later, like 20 years later. This is not the same exact situation. But it's important for us to admit that people who, you know, follow you and listen to you and think you have done, you have. You've done so much work on yourself. I've done so much work. And those responses are fewer and far between. But I also did enough work to attract someone with a secure attachment style, even though I identify with anxious attachment style.

Because I've done enough of the work and I can a lot of times catch it in the moment and take a breath and know how to work through it. Whereas, you know, I can talk about how I was treated. poorly in other relationships, but I also had that knee-jerk reaction that didn't bode well either, right? It does take two. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about the attachment piece a little bit because I know that people have different opinions on this, but I definitely identify also as anxious attachment. And I know what that's from and I'm aware of it. And I think that that's, you know, the best that I can do. And I'm in therapy and I have to remind myself when I'm having those feelings that like, no, I'm okay. This is not like, the anxious attachment for me is like storytelling, kind of.

So how does that show up for you? How did that show up for you? And what are some ways that people can navigate that? Because it is really hard. Yeah, I mean, and I absolutely attract all my clients, majority of them have anxious attachment style. So when they start to, you know, date new people who are really showing up, they're freaking out. And the reality is in the beginning, when you're starting to really like someone and you've

done a lot of work on yourself, but you've also experienced a lot of trauma. and you can feel like this person is different, you still don't know yet. And you have to be uncomfortable with the unknown. And going back to the DBT stuff, you know, I just didn't act out of the anxiety towards him. I feel like it's great to have those avenues and that support that you can talk about the attachment issues and the stuff that's coming up. And then I think also having your own life. And I would imagine that being here and having that probably kept you grounded, even when you were having these things come up. And I remember like when I started dating my husband as well, I was

seven, eight years ago, seven years ago, I guess. I had a different job. I was traveling all the time. And I had to like pick up and leave every week and travel. So we would have like a day to get or a day or night together. And then I would leave for three, four days. And it was that like physical separation. But I also had my own thing and my own purpose, my own career happening. And it just helps that's so much. And I would imagine that that's part of the falling in love with yourself or dating yourself, like not in the same exact way, but where you're okay with yourself and having your own life. Yes. Everything else, the turbulence of relationships and the emotional stuff, like that isn't going to rock you as much when you have that, right? Absolutely. But I also had that in my dysfunctional

relationships, but it was just all unconscious, you know, and I was still making that person. Because I think a lot of people could say, oh, no, it could hear this conversation say, but I have my own life and I have my own friends. But a lot of clients really struggle with still being the single person, right? I'm still single. And they make that the problem, right? And then when they have the person, oh, now I am worthy and I have someone to talk about and someone to bring to a wedding and someone to talk about it, you know, Thanksgiving dinner.

So yes, to have a life, but like truly to have a life that actually fulfills you and isn't just a life to bide time until Mr. or Ms. Wright comes along. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it becomes so much of our identity. Absolutely. I see with other friends of mine who are my same age and not in relationships and trying to date. And it's like the attachment to the outcome is so. strong and just having that person and getting engaged, getting married, having the kids.

I mean, it becomes this race. And the irony is it repels the outcome. Or at least you attract someone, but it's not the right person because it came from anxious energy. Exactly. Exhibit A. Over and over again. Yeah. We all want to be eating healthy, nutritious, balanced meals and the ideal is to do all the cooking ourselves, but so often life gets in the way. We are busy. We don't have time to grocery shop. Maybe we don't really know how to cook, but there are some amazing ways that we can still incorporate these kinds of meals without having to do all of the heavy lifting. So Green Chef is a great option because Green Chef makes eating well easy with plans that fit into every lifestyle. So whether you're keto, paleo, vegan,

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Always Fulleneged So feel the auto-hurs Sonderger Go to your Reisadviseer or Sunnycars. So what was different with your partner

Now, his name is Larry Right? What was different with him And how was that experience You keep referencing the kids? I would imagine that that's a lot to take on in a relationship Like especially I think

Around our age, I'm late 30s or early 40s, people are divorced and they are getting back into new relationships. And they have kids and they have baggage. So what was that like for you? Well, we had a really open conversation about what led him to being single with four kids under the age of 11 at that time.

I was going to ask how old they are. Yeah. Now they're almost 15, 10, almost 15, 11, almost 10 and 7. I just thought, you know what? Okay, interesting curveball, but I'm just going to continue to get to know him. And just everything just seemed off the charts. he's in terms of just connection and our laughs and the deep conversations. I also really appreciated that he was really interested in what I did for a living.

Surprisingly enough, I know L.A. is saturated with life coaches, but still, you get just these weird reactions. And he's like, tell me about it. He was just genuinely really interested. There was no shifty, awkward moments. And there was just this innate trust and comfortability and ease. what also stood out to me was that I could feel that he really liked me, but there wasn't this aggressive, oh, you're so amazing and I haven't felt this way. There wasn't this over-the-top expression. It was really a feeling. Yeah, I could say, oh, he opens the card doors for me and all those, like, surface level stuff. But it just, I felt like I had his whole attention and even just, and I'm not going to get too TMI here, but just the physical touch just felt.

very much at home. Now, some people listening could say, well, that's how I felt. It turned out he was unavailable. It's the whole picture, right? It's all the variables. Don't just, because that was also something that I missed a lot in earlier relationships is, oh, the chemistry is amazing. So then that must mean that there's something. There has to be so much more than chemistry. What is that person looking for? And, you know, does that person have deep respect for you? Are they interested in who you are and all of you? Do you share the same values? Do you want the same things at the same time? That was my next question for you. Yeah. Because I know that people are listening to this going, well, I have that with this guy. And it's amazing on all the levels. Except the timing.

Do you believe in right person, wrong time? No. Me neither. For a second, I was like trying to think of how you phrased it was a wrong person. That didn't make sense. Yeah. Right person, wrong time. No, because Larry was only two years out of his relationship and I had I was very, very ready. But I don't know. Sometimes I wondered just in terms of his kids, you know, like he was very careful. We waited a long time for me to meet them. We waited like eight months. But that was also, there was a pandemic and I hadn't moved yet.

And it was just part of it was a logistics thing. But I didn't have any problem with that because we were just so certain. And he's like also when you meet them, it's not about let's see how this works. He's like, we're the adults. So we get to decide. And I know my kids are going to love you. But obviously there's going to be resistance and there's going to be challenges. And I've never been married.

I want to be married. But there's four kids involved here. People stay in relationships because they feel like they have to. Yeah. I will say this. It was the hardest experience of his life. And he's never been happier and really. And I'm not just saying this because of me.

and tooting my own horn. It was so hard and traumatic, but he's so glad it happened. And he thinks he's a better dad now than what he was before. And he still thought he was a really good dad. But the time that he has with them and him being a much happier person only will positively impact them. I was thinking about this because I was talking to actually one of my Pilates instructors. Yeah. And we were talking about, this was a while ago, actually, but we were talking about my separation and she said, well, you know, I haven't been through it myself, but I have friends and they have kids and they stayed too long because they thought it was better for the kids. But then ultimately they got divorced and they look back and they're like, no,

the best thing for the kids was to see us happy, you know, and like in our relationship, especially when they're young, I feel like they don't really understand anyway. But to see a dysfunctional relationship versus seeing a happy relationship, even if it's not with your mom and dad. I feel like that is really impactful. I do think that they see how great our relationship is for sure. And that makes me really happy. And again, just it goes back to how to know when to leave. And of course, maybe you're going to fight a little bit harder because you have kids. And again, I think you should, in my strong opinion about that. But if you've tried everything and it's still the same shit and you're just exhausted and not feeling seen and heard and loved and the way that you want to be loved.

And if you're in your 30s and your 40s, like, God pray, if you're taking really good care of yourself, that's another 50 years. And is it just to make your kids happy? To your point, I just, I don't see it that way. But as a kid, I looked at my friends whose parents were divorced and thought, like, that would be the worst thing to ever happen. So I have so much empathy for kids who are, you know, traumatized by that. But I do think it's like heart. break, right? It's horrible at the time, but if you do the work and if your parents are putting you in therapy, hopefully they are to process it all, you'll come out stronger on the other side and that will help you choose healthier partners in the future. That is a really profound thing that you just said,

though, like if you're in your 30s, if you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, whatever relationship you're in, if this is your, you know, forever relationship, is this the relationship that you want to be in for the rest of your life. 50 years? I mean, I feel like that question alone, if people are having doubt or anything, like, really sit there and think about that. Because I think that whatever your initial reaction is to that is, it's probably very telling. Well, so two things come up for me as you reflect back.

What I just said, I see so often and I very much attract clients in their mid to late 30s, early 40s who really want to find their person. And they think I'm running out of time. All the good ones are gone. And I'm like, I find. I found him at 38 and I really let go. At 38, I was like, I love me. I'm having a great time. My business really took off like the year before I was just thriving, feeling so good about myself on the inside and out. And I was just going to enjoy dating and not need to find them now. And just was like,

I'm going to have freaking fun. And I'm 38 and I'm living in Los Angeles. There are so many single people who are also older than me. It's only a stigma attached to your age. If you make a, get one. For sure. I was talking to another friend about this recently and we were like, this is actually the best time to be single if you are single because you probably have your shit together. You have money. You can do, you know, cool things and you can just enjoy life. And when you meet that other person, you can enjoy life in a different way than you can if you're like in your mid-20s, I think. Amen. One more thing I just wanted to say on that with regards to you have your life ahead of you. If you're asking, is this person my person, whether you're in your 20s, 30s or 40s,

you know, oftentimes what comes up is scarcity. You think, well, if it's not this person, then who could it possibly be? Right? Going back to all the good ones are gone. And it's like, you're looking for one person. And there may just be someone who actually wants the same things you want, who actually has the same values as you, and who actually will think that you shit gold. And you'll think that about them. Like, it's so worth it to do that work on yourself and go out and find that person instead of settling for the crumbs and trying to, you know, fit a square peg into a round hole. Yeah. What piece of advice if you just had one would you have for people who are experiencing either heartbreak or trying to find that person and they're just running into

dud after dad? Okay. So which one? Heartache or that's do both? One piece of advice for the heartbroken, do the work. Lean in. Don't just, you know, get into why would he? she they do these things. How could they? You have to move through the motions of all of that in your head and then look at how did I attract that person, not to shame or blame, but just say, where was my part in this? Because that will empower you to learn how to show up differently in your new relationship. One piece of advice for people moving into looking for their person. That person is out there, just what I said before. One person you're looking for. Get over your drama and your resistance about the dating apps. Yes, there are a bunch of terrible people on there.

You're looking for one. Don't let the terrible people on the apps or the terrible dates that you've been on dictate or make you believe that that means one person. I say it as a third. I'm now 42, but at 38 I found Larry. I went on so many dates with so many people in New York and L.A. Throughout my 20s and my 30s, it's not about, yeah, the majority of them are terrible. You're looking for one. So keep your eye on the prize of that one. I love that. I feel like it makes it so much more manageable. And I was thinking about that actually coming over here, thinking about this conversation and just the dating apps. And again, I have friends who are going through it. And it seems really frustrating. And I get that. But all it takes is one. And you see it happen to all these people around you too. And I think that that should be encouraging that like they went through it too. And then they found that one. And if your desire is deep enough to find your person, are you willing to go on a. bunch of dates and not go, ugh, what a waste of time. Ugh, what a waste of my energy. I should have just stayed at home. I should just hung out with my girlfriends, right? Then you're getting into

the victim mode. But think about all of the accomplishments that I'm guessing you've all created and put your heart and energy into where you've gotten a bunch of nose before your yes, maybe college or a job application, right? You keep going after the thing that you want. And I really believe in energy. And when you shift your energy, and again, I mean, that could be a whole other conversation, right, but just it's about you shifting to attract different. Yeah, totally. I mean, I really feel like the energy that you are putting out is what you are going to get back in everything. And I love that comparison to work and other areas of our lives because so many of us are so

ambitious, driven, solution-oriented, persistent in so many other areas of our life. And then when it comes to relationships, we freeze. And think it's a powerless situation. And it happens for some. And I don't believe that. I wouldn't do this work if I didn't know that when you are different and when you heal your past and create that closure and have a deeper understanding of your lesson and your part and then really start to actively change and then put yourself out there and be willing again to pull up your big girl pants and say like, I'm not stopping until I'm finding him. So I might as well have some fun along the way. Yeah. That person will arrive. Yeah. Well, where can everybody find you? How can they work with you? Oh, you can go to. to Claire the Heartbreakcoach.com or you could follow me at Claire the Heartbreak Coach on Instagram and I have a podcast as well called Stop Wanting Him Back and find someone better. And yeah, that's everything. Amazing. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me, Ariel. This was so fun. So good. I hope you enjoyed that episode. And if you liked it and if you

like the show in general, please take a second to rate review and subscribe. It goes a long way. and it's actually the best way to support the show. Also, if you want to see more about each episode, you can head over to The Blond Files podcast on Instagram. You can go to Arialore.com, and I'm always posting about each episode over on my personal page at Arial Lori. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements

and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.