Well with Arielle Lorre - 372: How Gabby Bernstein's 4-Step Process Can Help You Overcome Limiting Beliefs and Unlock Your Greatest Life

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Gabby Bernstein is a #1 New York Times bestselling author, spiritual teacher and founder of the Gabby Coaching Membership. She joins the show to discuss sobriety, hormones and their interaction with mental health, and the concept of internal family systems. We break down the 4 step check in process she created to transform the patterns that have held you back, how to identify the different parts of self to overcome limiting beliefs, and how to manifest your best life.  This episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct, or indirect financial interest in products, or services referred to in this episode.Go to www.YNAB.com/well for an exclusive three-month free trial with no credit card required.Go to puori.com/BLONDE for 20% off. Visit mollyssuds.com/BLONDE and enter code BLONDE for 20% off!Visit qualialife.com/BLONDE for 50% off of Qualia Senolytic and code BLONDE at checkout for an additional 15% off.Visit holiss.com and use code WELL15 for 15% off your first order.Visit oneskin.co/well and use code WELL at checkout for 15% off your first purchase.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Auto-hue with Sunny Cars feels as if the children Not me be seen. Kiselstramble. Zandvo. Actis forcare. Verdwine. Vacantia can chaotic

but who zorgalos an auto-hurt says, One dos, no stress. No, no-vervicted costs, always fullledgird. So,

would auto-hue without your reis-adviseur or sunnycars. The following podcast is a dear media production. In a world of ever-changing, wellness trends and information, what does it mean to truly be well? I'm Ariel Lorry and I'm going

to explore this with you. I am bringing you candid conversations that will equip you with everything you need to live your best life and look good doing it. Think of well as your go-to resource for all of the latest in wellness and me as your internet bestie. Well, let's get into it. Hi, everybody, welcome to the show. I have such a gift for you guys, for us all really, in today's episode. I'm talking to Gabby Bernstein, and I'm sure she needs no introduction among my audience, but she is an incredible author. She has 10 books out now, including her recent book, Self-Help, which we are delving into in today's episode. She is also the host of the Dear Gabby podcast, which is amazing. She's a motivational speaker. She's a spiritual teacher. She does a lot. And she is a powerhouse. And I always love talking to her because at the end of the day, she's also just a really cool girl, somebody that you want to be friends with. And she brings a lot of levity to what can otherwise be some kind of heavy subjects. I don't know about you, but I like my spirituality with a few F-bombs thrown in. She's also 19 years sober. So you guys know that I love talking to fellow sober people, sober people, sober

women and I could relate to her a lot on that front and just on her, for lack of a better word, journey. And she's just so candid and open and vulnerable. And I always love listening to her on other shows. And like I said, talking to her today's episode does not disappoint. We are delving into the subject of her latest book, Self-Help, which uses internal family systems to transform the patterns that have held you back. It has really relatable practical tools that fit into your actual life instead of hours of contemplation. And it gives you lasting relief from the negative stories you've been playing on repeat. In fact, I've been doing this since we recorded this episode, which was, I believe, back in December, and I have noticed a massive shift. So if you hear

internal family systems and you think family, that's actually not what it's about. This is a common misconception. It's really about the different versions of you that live within you. So if you have ever felt like, well, a part of me wants to do this and a part of me wants to do that, then you have an internal family. And this episode applies to you. So I hope you guys love it. Please enjoy Gabby Bernstein. Welcome. So happy to be with you. The two of us are out of it today. But we're here. We're alive. I know. I love when I come into a podcast and I'm like, oh God, like I'm not on today. And then my guest is matching my energy because then it's just so much easier. That happened last week with a guest where I went in. It was 8.30 in the morning,

time square. I had like no sleep. And I was just thinking, oh, God. In my head about the whole thing. And I got there. She had gone to the Victoria's Secret show the night before. No sleep. And I was like, perfect. Let's do this. Good luck to the audience. Yeah. Good luck, you guys. It's going to be a journey. So I wanted to ask you just to start out, how are you and how are you? How have you been? Because it's been literal years since you've been on the podcast. A lot has happened. Yeah. Yeah. What's the latest? How am I?

How have I been? I am great. I have been on a journey. And I am feeling like the there that you want to get to is where I am. Does that mean everything's perfect? No, no, no, no, no. But I'm in the there there. I'm in the there, I think.

That's amazing. You've been sober for how long now? 19 years. And you're just now getting to the there there. That's right, baby. Okay. I'm like, I'm at, I'm at 10. Nine more years to go.

10 was a shakedown for me. Me too. Yeah, 10 was a shakedown. I think there is a lot of commonalities amongst sober folks at these benchmark recovery dates. And I don't want to say that. Everyone's journeys. Everyone's journey is different. But there are some themes.

you put that 10 year, congratulations, by the way, I'm so proud of you. Remember when we first met? It was like a completely big deal. So when we are at that 10 year mark, I think you have enough inner safety to do deeper work. And I believe that God says, okay, it's time to up level because you've done all this heavy lifting to get to safety inside. And so it's not always easy at that stage. For me, it was really, really the darkest moment of my life. I'm not going to put that on you. But it was the turning point to get to the there. Yes. I totally agree. And it's funny because I always had it in my head that once I get to 10, I'm not cured or anything by any means. But I'm good. I thought like things get really easy at 10. I had this like just marker in my mind. And to your point, I mean, I really think that there is some level of safety. There is this strong foundation, at least for me in recovery. I've done a lot of the work.

And it was a safer place for me to crack open and start confronting a lot of things that I didn't confront in those first 10 years. And life got really, really lifey, like years 9 and 10. So I'm curious, in your own experience, did you feel like you were there? at other points prior to now? No, fuck no. Okay. Throughout all, I'm a sober journey, so 19 years, but also just, yeah, so I'll just speak from my sober recovery.

Because I think when I got sober at 25, that was actually the turning point of really truly living. And when I got clean, I think that every step along the way, I was celebrating where I was, but I was also really suffering. I think that you get clean and sober, but then you have to face why you used in the first place. For me, I didn't know why I used for the first 10 years. I always just assumed that I was just into drugs. That is not true. We have impermissible experiences that lead us to use drugs and alcohol to protect against those feelings that we do not have the ability to face. And I didn't know

what those impermissible exiled experiences were until 10 years in, 36 years old, here in Los Angeles, sleeping my friend's house in Beverly Hills, having a dream, and in the dream, I remembered sexual abuse from my childhood. That moment of memory was the turning point. That was the holy shit that happened and full-blown, full-body relief that I now knew why I used. The relief only set in for like 30 seconds, and then it was go time into recovery. So for the past nine years, I have been in devotional trauma recovery, devotional spiritual development, transformational inner healing. I have worked this recovery like a full-time job while having a full-time big job, and I have

nailed it. I am so proud. I am a miracle. Not because I woke up and it just happened, but because I put the time in. And that's what I've been writing about actually in the last three years was my book Happy Days where I talked all about the trauma journey. And now with the book we're going to talk about today, self-help, which is out now, which is taking the therapy that really helped me transform my inner life. And then I made that therapy into a self-help practice. It's amazing. And kudos to you for

being able to do both because it's hard. It's hard to put your recovery first. And be all the things, a wife, a partner, a friend, a daughter, whatever your roles are, entrepreneur, mother, yeah. So that's amazing. Yeah. And I am really looking forward to getting into internal family systems and all of that work, which you say in your book is like a mind fuck, a literal mind fuck. And it's funny because I've had so much experience in treatment environments, therapeutic environments. I've done so many different modalities. And when I first heard, internal family systems. I don't know why I didn't really think of the word internal, but I thought, oh, family systems. Yeah, like addiction, alcoholism. It's a family disease, family dynamic,

maintain the status quo, blah, blah, blah. And then I started reading your book and I was like, oh, there's a whole family within us. And it made so much sense. So how did you land on internal family systems? So the founder of IFS internal family systems therapy is my very dear friend. His name is Dr. Richard Schwartz. I was practicing IFS with my therapist for seven years before I even realized I was doing IFS. She was, she was practicing it with me. And one afternoon I was watching this YouTube video, and I watched this man, Dick Schwartz being interviewed about his model of therapy. And as he was describing it, I was like, holy shit, that's what I've been doing for seven years. So very quickly, it was right when I started my podcast. He was the third person on my show. I invited Dick on. And

within minutes, we were instant friends. And he kind of had a psychic sense, I think, that he was really wanting to support my journey with IFS. And he encouraged me to do the training. And I went on to become a trained practitioner in internal family systems therapy. I'm not a therapist, but I trained in IFS. And the more I did the training and the more I developed awareness and understanding of the model, the easier it was for me to apply it, at which point I said to Dick, I want to make this self-help. I want to help democratize your work. It's very much in the zeitgeist right now, but I wanted to just wanted everyone to be able to have an experience of this, whether they're in therapy or not. And if they're in therapy, maybe they ask for IFS. And if they're not in therapy,

they can start to use the tools on themselves. So hence the book, here it is, self-help. And this is self-help. This is your chance to change your life. And I'm going to explain to you why it's called self-help, and I'm going to explain the model of IFS very briefly. Because really, this book isn't an IFS book. This is a self-help book that's informed by the principles of IFS. So the mind fuck. Here's the mind-fuck. You said, you thought it was this external family systems. Dick Schwartz was a family therapist. So family systems was his training. But what he started to realize when he started of working individually with women, particularly women who were having eating disorders, like binge eating, is that they'd start talking about these different parts of themselves, like a part of me wants to

binge, and a part of me wants to rage, and then a part of me wants to do this. And then sometimes I feel free inside, and sometimes I feel really safe. And he'd say, well, who's that part? And they'd say, well, that's just myself. And so what he started to realize was that the same way there's a family system, there's actually an inner family system. There's lots of multiple parts of us inside. And so if you've ever said, oh, a part of me gets really outraged when I do this, or a part of me wants to drink when this happens, or a part of me is really controlling. These are different sub-personalities. These are different parts of who we are. We're not just one mono person. We have these aspects of ourself inside. And some people might

recognize that they have protection mechanisms, right? So like, oh, when I feel triggered by somebody I just lash out. We have some awareness around that. And that's what these parts of us are. They're really just protection mechanisms. So our addiction was a protection mechanism, which in the book I call protector parts from IFS. We have controlling, like me overly controlling, could be a protector part. Do you know of your protection mechanisms? My current protection mechanisms, I would have to think about that a little bit. But you do use the example in the book, or I'm sorry, I think it was one of Dick's examples of a patient that he was working with who had bulimia. And he said that when he would challenge them to confront it, essentially it would get worse.

That's right. And they would say a different part of me takes over. And it's exactly what you're saying. And that resonated with me so much because I was bulimic before I got sober. And it was always something, a different part of me. There's no other way to describe it. And it reminds me a little bit of like echo. Hart-Tolet too, right? Like, he wanted to kill himself. So he's like, who is the me that wants to

kill myself? What is the separation? And that was his like awakening. And I'm sure everybody can identify with this because we all have these behaviors and we all have these times when we do feel like, oh, part of me this, part of me, that. So it just makes so much sense. And those parts can get really extreme, right? They can binge. They can drink. They can be suicidal. They can also just be managing our lives on a day-to-day basis, like a control freak, right? Or I keep coming back to the controller because that's one that I have that's strong. And these protectors, who are they protecting? So these protection mechanisms, why are they there? They're there because as young children, typically young, and we can have these experiences throughout our life where we have

traumatizing events, but typically when we're young and we don't have the resources or the parental support or the understanding of what's happening, we experience trauma, we experience with a big tea or a small tea. Maybe we're getting traumatized by something extreme like abuse, or maybe we're traumatized by a bully in our classroom or a teacher telling us we're stupid, or just not enough attention. And these experiences when we're young and we don't have the wherewithal to process them are so extreme that we, as very little people, our brain says, don't want to feel that right away within an instant pick up a form of protection and protect against that feeling. I'll give you an example in my six-year-old son. When he was three, he was put into a

Montessori program, and it was three-year-olds to six-year-olds. He was just out of a diaper, right? Literally, I had to rip the diaper off and put him into this class, and in that same class was a six-year-old. Now, if you don't have kids yet, but if you understand, three and six is like being 15 and 50. Like, it's so different. And so the miracle of Montessori wasn't going to work. in this instance because there was a six-year-old who was pretty much like, I don't want to have anything to do with these little kids. He was a little bit of a bully and going through his own stuff. And my son, all he wanted to do is be friends with that kid. And so that kid kept knocking him down, knocking him down, knocking him down. And he was obsessed with this kid. And he kept

getting knocked down. At a very young age, at three years old, he realized if I'm not a boss, I'm not good enough. From that point forward, my son has the misguided belief that I have to be the boss to feel good enough. So how does that show up? He'll walk around the house with this Nerf gun. Hello? Like a little kid shows up. He's holding a Nerf gun. Okay. He will bully, like, he'll not bully, but he's getting a lot better as he develops and as we work with him. But he'll be kind of mean to little kids. You know, like, you're little. I don't want to be friends with you. You know, I'm big on you, you know? Like, this is all protection mechanisms. So at three years old, this very insignificant thing that most parents would write off and say, oh, he just had a little kid in the class. I am hyper-focused on

on that moment in his life because that moment defined something for him and I'm going to continue as his parent to help him feel the sense of calmness and connection and confidence to help him recognize and support him in seeing that he is good enough even without the nerve gun in his hand or he's good enough even if he's not the best at the thing and that the little kids are actually awesome and this is something we're still working through and I might be working with him on it for a long time. But most people didn't have Gabby Bernstein as their mother. Most, no one else other than Oliver Rockland. But most people, but didn't have a self-help author as their parent. And so they would override that situation. Oh, that was nothing. We're over it. We're moving on. But for him,

it was seemingly insignificant, but it was so significant. And it built up this exiled part of, I don't want to feel inadequate, and the protector part of I have to be the boss to feel good enough. We all have those moments in time. For me, it was more extreme. For me, it was sexual abuse. For other people, and usually those of us who become addicted in our ways have very, you know, more extreme traumas. That's just, you would line up 30 addicts that are sober in recovery and you'd say, how many of you experienced trauma? I'd say 100% would raise their hands or maybe 90% would raise their hands and the other 10% just don't remember. I fall into that 10% and I always go back in my story and it just doesn't make sense because I didn't come from, you know, a broken home. I didn't

have any trauma that I can remember. I had everything, you know, no adverse childhood events. Like all of these things that you would look at that would indicate that somebody might go on to become the truly hope to die, drug addict and alcoholic that I became at such a young age. It was just that classic, restless, irritable, discontent, uncomfortable in my skin, hyper self-aware, hyper self-aware, hyper self-conscious. Maybe my trauma was being in it like a very toxic relationship from a young age, like 14. Maybe my love. Yeah. That was it. Yeah. Because I don't mean to sound condescending, but I just have a lot of, I just want to be in my self energy, which is just compassion. That's, that's it. Yeah. Maybe there were other things in childhood, their little moments or

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and use the code well 15 at checkout for 15% off your first purchase. That's h-o-l-I-S dot com and use the code well 15 for 15% off your first order. Yeah, I don't know why I always kind of like breeze over that. I think that it definitely was like, protector will minimize. Really? Oh, yeah. Protectors will be like, because you don't know how many people I've spoken to when I teach

this stuff and they'll be like, I had a really good childhood. You know, my dad was an alcoholic and he left. You really beat my mom. It's like, whoa, you know? Or even just something simple, like, you know, we have a broken home or whatever. My parents got divorced. It's like these are significant moments in time that we override and we think that they were not meaningful. They've defined the trajectory of our life and we can heal them. And so you're minimizing is a protector. That's an extreme trauma. That's a big tea trauma. Yeah.

I think that I've always looked at it and I can definitely see how it lent itself to this whole picture of when I finally took that first drink, it was just that instant relief because of all of it, because of that relationship, because of the maladaptive, maybe coping skills, because of this hypersensitivity, because of this discomfort and all of it. And I guess that is one of my protective mechanisms is minimized. And it's probably learned from that very thing, right? And I always say, like, I think I would have become an alcoholic or addict at some point in my life, even had that not happened. Yeah. Because maybe I would have sought that type of relationship for whatever reason at a later time. But it's interesting. I don't know why. Like, I just never think about it as being like, be trauma. It's a protector, right? So what happens when we have extreme adverse events is that there's a lot of shame wrapped up in that. And there's fear and terror. And so think about it like a little, like a child, even a 14 year old, your brain's not developed.

Or whatever age you are, it doesn't really matter because you can still revert to childhood experiences. And you literally unconsciously are saying to yourself, your brain is like no fucking way. I don't want to ever feel that pain and suffering again. So I'm going to do whatever it takes to numb it out. And there's many different forms of that numbing. It could be the binging, the drinking, the minimizing. In my case, it was complete dissociation. Like, I literally didn't remember the experience until I was 36 in a dream.

My body remembered. I was in hypervigilance. I had imprinted memories, but it wasn't until I was in my 10 years of recovery that I actually had the full-blood memory. But here's the good news. I want to hear the good news. inside all of us is that resourced adult self. It's actually the truth of who we are. It's our essence. It's the God within us. It's the people might call it Buddha nature. They might call it

your inner wisdom or inner guidance or intuition. And it's an energy that we all have. And it's an energy that has these sea qualities. It's connected, compassionate, courageous, calm, curious, confident. And I always always, forget one or two, clarity. And these sea qualities are there at all times. They are just masked by the wounded protector parts, the overly active protection mechanisms. And so as we, in my book, start to bring some of these qualities of the connection and compassion and curiosity to the protection mechanisms. We can start to let these young parts inside of us know that there's actually a resource part of who we are that can help them. It's fucking radical work, my love. We can do it today

with like a very like simple protector part. In fact, in this book, I'm not trying to go to the extreme addicts. I'm not trying to guide you to go to your childhood wounds or even the traumatized 14 year old. That's not where we need to go. In this book, it's really about like, okay, well, maybe I'm a little bit obsessive or perfectionist or I have a part of me that gets really outraged in these moments. That's the kind of parts we want to work with. Not the super extreme ones because that's where I think therapy is really important. Yeah. As we're talking, I'm kind of thinking like, what do I do to protect? And I know you talk about like firefighters as well. And, you know, that's kind of like the numbing out. Firefighters are the addicts. Yeah. Yeah. So there's two types of protectors. There's the managers,

which are the ones that are managing our life day to day to keep us away from those big feelings. When the big feelings get super triggered because some life event happens or COVID or breakup or something, then we turn to the firefighters, which is the addiction, the suicidal ideation, the just super extreme, extreme behaviors, the dissociation, the ways that we can say, I no longer want to be here. I got to check out completely. And so this book is a four-step check-in process. And when we start to check in with those extreme parts inside of us, we stop checking out. And so imagine you were living in a way where every day you could be like, okay, I'm feeling in this

moment really anxious. Okay, I can actually check in with my anxiety. Instead of letting it take over my day, ruin me, make me feel completely all over the place, freak out. I can actually focus my attention inward. And I can, I'll teach you the steps as I always talk about it. I can first step choose to check in with my anxiety. So anxiety is a protector. It's protecting me from a bigger feeling. Okay. I'm going to check in.

Step one. Choose to check in. The reason that's the first step is that you want to make sure that you have a conscious awareness that there's something that's not you, right? Because we become so blended with the parts. I am anxiety. But you have this tease out where you're like, okay, I can see that's a feeling. And that's step one, choosing to check inside.

And that's when you focus your attention inside. Step two is when you become curious about the anxiety. So you would just ask some questions. Okay, where do you live in my body or my chest? Is there a color? Is there a shape? Start checking with that somatic experience. What do I know about this anxiety?

How long has it been around? How old is it? These kinds of questions. And just start to get a little bit of connection there. And once you start to notice enough information about this anxiety, Can you send me some images or some stories from my past? You get that connection. The third step is to compassionately connect to the part of you.

And you'd ask the anxiety inside of you. You'd say, what do you need? And the anxiety would say me, be like, I need to just breathe or I need to just have fun or I need to just call a friend or I need to lie down and take a nap. And once you've gone through those three steps, the final step is awesome. That's when you just check for those seed qualities. and you can ask yourself, do I feel a little bit more calm? Did I notice curiosity? Do I feel a little bit more creative or do I have compassion towards myself? And you notice, am I a little bit more confident?

Do I feel a connection inside? And you'll always, I mean, I guarantee, I can, 90% of the time, I think you're going to feel some C quality of that self-energy. And that final check-in of the sea qualities is to say, oh, did self-emerge from this interconnection? And then, my love, you rinse and repeat. Do that all damn day. So when you notice your anxiety, you choose to check in, you get curious, you send compassionate connection, say, what do you need? And then you check and see how you feel. Yeah. I was reviewing that a little bit this morning. And I actually did a little bit of a check-in. Okay. Because I've been super anxious the last few days. And I love what you said about like, it's so important to separate from it, not to run from it, but to separate that part of

our self because we do start to identify as this whole thing and say, I am anxious. I am an anxious person. And we are whatever we think we are essentially. And you know, you talk about your experience in the book of being postpartum and making the decision to go on medication and how that taught you what it feels like to be safe. Right. Yeah. And I'm wondering how that experience was for you being sober. at that point you were what 15, 14, 15 years sober. And being in that place, was it hard for you to accept that? Or were you just willing to do anything? I had a part of me when I was going through postpartum depression. I didn't get a proper diagnosis for four months. And I actually did have suicidal ideation because that's where it will take you. So four months I would have had insomnia,

extreme anxiety, agoraphobia, obsessive exercise. I would not have survived if I hadn't gotten the medicated support I got. What I was doing at the time, though, in that four months of avoiding the diagnosis was just in a protection mechanism of thinking, well, I'm a controlling part, right, which is I can fix this with Ashwaganda. I can fix this with meditation. I can fix this with a medium. I can fix this because I was brought up homeopathic. It's what I believed was the way. You said you're a spiritual bypassing anxiety, which I think a lot of people. can relate to myself included. But everyone in the wellness world now, it's like we're taught to bypass these things. We need to be a PSA for the wellness world that don't just think that you can get by

without medication because that's going to kill you. Right now, as I'm in menopause, 45 years old, I went into menopause. And because I did a lot of IVF later in life. If I hadn't got on HRT on hormone replacement therapy, I would have probably done. I was six months ago at the same dark place as I was in postpartum. The only difference was I had enough awareness to get some medicated support faster. And I had hope because I knew that this wasn't me, that it was a biochemical condition. The advice I have, and this is nothing to do with my book or anything, but this is something I'm going to say on every single podcast where there's female listeners and male listeners, because men have to do this. Get a hormone panel once a year starting at the age of 35.

like go get a detailed hormone panel. And if you have to like pay out of pocket for it, save up the money. If you don't have the finances, there's a lot of things out there like Winona and Midi Health. And I don't know what their scaling fees are. But just if there's a will, there's a way. Get a full hormone panel because it turns out that 10 years ago I could have been taking some estrogen and a little progesterone. And when I met with the doctor last week, she's like, your postpartum, yes, it was

biochemical, but it was also you were tanked in your estrogen and progesterone. And had you had some hormonal support at that time, you might not have needed the other medication. Either way, I got what I got what I needed. And I'm grateful for the antidepressant. I'm grateful for the journey I've been on. But hormonal health is a mind fuck. Yeah. And it's great. It's in the zeit guys. People are talking about it. It's huge. But it's for your listeners, right? So I'm 45. You're like 39. Oh, you look so young. Thank you. So still, I've got six years on you. This is the moment when you start talking to your people and say, get your hormones fully checked.

Because everything's a symptom. And the message now is earlier HRT is, I'm not a doctor, but you can go listen to the doctors talk about this. So the point was that this moment in time, I still had a protector controlling and managing myself. And I missed the miracle of getting the support I needed. I know that we all put so much time and effort into earning money. We deserve to spend it without stress or second guessing, which is where my new favorite app, YNAB, comes in. Wynaub spelled YNAB, is a life-changing app that helps you do what you want with the money that you have. It's so easy. You create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job,

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It can be so difficult to navigate, which is why I really love and appreciate One Skin. So One Skin was founded and led by an all-woman team of skin longevity scientists, including Dr. Caroline Reese Olivera. She came on my podcast a few months ago to talk about all of the research that goes into One Skin, and it's truly fascinating. So One Skin goes deeper, working at the cellular level for lasting results. And after testing, more than 900 peptides, they developed OS1, the first ingredient scientifically proven to interrupt a core aging process, which is cellular senescence. So with age and UV exposure, your cells enter senescence, which means, they stop functioning normally.

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The health of your skin is critical to your overall health. So if you haven't listened to that episode yet, definitely go back and check it out. Dr. Olivera breaks down all of the science behind the discovery of this peptide and how it works. And everything that went into the research, which is truly fascinating, I mean, they were growing human skin in their lab. They were able to age it and then test their products and other popular products from the market on that skin to see what it was doing. They actually found that a lot of popular products out there are actually aging the skin faster. So definitely go back and give that a listen.

I love their eye cream and I love all of their body care products as well, but everything is so good. So visit oneskin.com slash well and use the code well at checkout for 15% off your first purchase so that you can try it for yourself. I know you guys will love it. Again, that's one skin.co slash well, and the code is well for 15% off your first purchase. How do you think people, again, not being a doctor, but how do you think people can distinguish between like, what is biochemical? Is it just getting those tests and kind of exploring these different avenues versus like how much of it is trauma stored in the body that you can do somatic work? How much of it is stuff that is anxiety related to some of this internal family

systems work? It's both. It's both. Because everyone has dysregulated nervous systems to some extent based on these exiled experiences from our life. And so therefore we have the protection mechanisms to try to regulate all day long. So that's happening for everybody on extreme ways or less extreme ways, right?

So like I have a friend who's like, I have no trauma, but every time like his husband walks in the room, he's like bracing like this. Do you know what I mean? Like something's fucking going on there, right? So like your body knows. your reactions are showing us. So you know you have these responses, these protectors, whenever you feel reactive, whenever you feel activated, whenever you feel like you're taken over

by something. And you're like, this isn't me, it's happening to me. These are protectors. Simultaneously, women in particular, and I can only speak to the female race and also just men don't have these issues the way that we do. Women, we have periods. We have hormonal dysregulation from 35, 30, even earlier onward. And we then do IVF and we do these different things. It's just like our hormones play a huge role in the symbiotic experience that we really need to have. They dysregulate it. So we have to look at both.

I think that some of us who also have really extreme adverse experiences from our childhood might have lived many of our younger years in a lot of dysregulation. and a lot of hypervigilance. And as a result, your nervous system is shot. Therefore, when your nervous system is shot and you're leaving in this sort of like allostatic load of just adrenal pumping, pumping, pumping the adrenals, then you may have more hormonal issues later as well

because these two things go hand in hand. So it's just all of the above. Do both. Yeah. That's me, by the way, as you're talking about, it's so many of us. It's all of your listeners listening. I'm a different person each week of the month.

You're in very different. I know. Yeah. I keep calling you love and sweetheart. I think it's because I have this like really tremendous compassionate connection to you. Yeah, I feel like you're a little sister because I know your journey and I know we have a shared journey, you know. And so I wanted like in a way like I'm like, oh, I want to care for her. You know, that's my self energy.

Because as you hear I said compassion, connection. That's my self energy that's extending to you right now. I feel it and I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you have that energy in you too, right? So all the beautiful work that you've done on yourself, all of the commitment to your recovery, the connection to your inner world, the curiosity you have about what's happening inside of yourself, the courage to heal. That's all self. So that's your own inner healer. It's like your own inner therapist, your own inner Gabby. You know. Love it. Yeah. I don't know what your experience was with us, but sometimes with recovery, like my first 10 years were so recovery focus. Like my recovery is number one, the things that we do and that I don't talk about it publicly, but you know what I'm talking about. That work, that some of these other things don't get the attention that they need. Was that kind of your experience where like you just continued seeking and enlarging

that part of your life? And, you know, like you said, you were confronted with these things when you felt safe enough when you had enough time sober that you could deal with it. Yeah, I think the first 10 years I was doing a lot of spiritual bypassing. Yeah. But that's okay. I mean, that's a protector part, right? So I was doing Kundalini Yoga to like get above the pain, right? And I was doing, you know, a lot of, I mean, such extreme spiritual development.

I was channeling. I was going to visit mediums that were like transmediums that would help me really develop that skill, all of which was very. much part of the recovery journey, but was very much going above the suffering. And that was the best I could do at that time. So I can look at that protector and say, you wrote incredible spiritual books. You, you know, you wrote May Cause Miracles and Spirit Junky and Miracles Now. And, you know, you help people and you taught people these beautiful spiritual principles. And there was more to do. And so then I remember the trauma and I decided to go a little deeper. And that's when I wrote

the universe has your back. And then I wrote judgment detox and then I wrote happy days, you know, and super attractor, like these sort of deeper dives into the work, right? And it's this sort of tracking where you are respecting the protection mechanisms that are in place at that time. I know that my cocaine addict 19 years ago did the best that she could to keep me surviving. The controller, she did the best she could. And the thing is about these parts, they are extreme, but they also have a lot of good value, right? So my controller wrote 10 books in 14 years. She's done a lot of good in the world.

But the great news is this is that now she can be that way. You know, right before I came in here, I was having a meeting with page. She runs to her media or our podcast network. And I was like, we're going to do this. I have like 15 minutes with page because you were coming out. I was like, we're going to do this. We're going to get the YouTube up. Okay, Josh, do you have my producer's here?

I'm like, Josh, get this down. You know, Josh knows that part of me. He's like very patient with that part of me. And he's like, and I'm like, okay, Josh, write this down. Are you writing this down? And it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then I could be back into my goddess and come sit down with you. And the truth is is that that part's really fucking necessary.

Because if we're going to go dominate and get the Dear Gabby podcast out to the world and just share the wealth and tell people about the app and all the things that we're doing, then there needs to be somebody. I can't be like sleeping and meditating on the sofa. Yeah. I need to have some fire, right? So, but that part doesn't have to like flip out anymore. She can just be in that type A moment and get it done while simultaneously. saying, page, I love this type A moment. This is who I am. It's a part of me. Let's let's maximize it. And then I'm going to turn it off. We can be in those roles, but in less extreme ways.

Yeah, it reminds me a little bit of the work that we do in recovery and looking at defects of character. And I know for me, a lot of my defects also have asset. Like, they are good. Absolutely. But it's, but you have to use them correctly. That's like what you're saying. Well, what you have to do is self-help, right? So, and I say have to. Okay. My recommendation is that you you practice this practice, because as you start to just look more closely inside, rather than blaming and shaming yourself for the reaction, if you focus your attention inside and checked in with that reactive part of you, you could extend it that curiosity and that compassionate connection asking what do you need, and then calm it down and to be that presence

for this part, that self-presence. That's why self-presence. That's why self-presence. That's why, Help is the title of the book because you can tap into those qualities of self with this four-step check-in process. Check in, curiosity, compassionate connection. And then you check for those qualities and see if self is there. The reason that this works is because you stop having a trigger and then check out. Instead, you check in, you regulate your nervous system, you get back to self, you feel a little bit of calmness, you can then redirect your day accordingly. And then you feel a trigger in like an hour and then you check in again. These are three-minute check-ins, one-minute check-in, one-minute check-in. You could do it longer with a journal in the book. I give all these

different examples. In fact, there's a whole chapter called anxious parts, which you could read today and just work with your anxious part. And the more that you just check in, check in, check in, the less you check out. And then the parts inside of you, these protection mechanisms that we have don't have to work so hard because they feel like they have some safety inside. they know where to go. I want to talk about the journaling piece a little bit and what that can do for the body as well because I think this is so fascinating. And I just had a guest on and she was talking about how she had chronic pain, chronic pelvic

pain, all of these issues. And she started working with, I can't remember her name, somebody that you might know. Nicole Sachs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And doing the 20 minutes journaling every morning, pain gone. Yep.

Yeah. And you talk about this in your book as well. So Nicole was a really, really beautiful teacher. She teaches the work of Dr. John Sarno, who is Oh, he wrote the healing back pain book. That's correct. I know that one. And so she was a student of John Sarno and she's really carrying the message. She's an incredible person, especially here in L.A. I can introduce you to her. And that is referenced in this chapter called body parts. There's a chapter called body parts. And the thesis is that the physical pain and suffering that we have, whether it's gastro, back pain, headaches, even fibromyalgia, these extreme nervous systems

responses that create pain are what Dr. Sarno would call psychosomatic. We have exiled parts of ourselves, these traumatized parts of us inside, and those exiles were so extreme, so we built up protection mechanisms. One of the protectors is the body. So if I feel physical pain in my stomach, I don't have to feel the impermissible fear of my childhood. Also, what's happening is we go into such states of hypervigilance because of these exiled experiences that our body actually gets so inflamed, right? So we are so hypervigilant. We are so

anxious. We are so extreme that that creates inflammation, which then, of course, does create gastro issues, does create skin issues, does create hormonal issues. So it's not like there isn't a physical thing happening. There absolutely is. But the body is a protector. Great example. When my husband left his job, he was working in a private equity group of JP Morgan for 10 years. My business was skyrocketing. He left that job at the height of his career to become the CEO of our business and run what I was doing because I couldn't grow it. He's a lawyer. He's a banker. It was like, I could grow it, but I was going to lose my mind. So he became my partner. The year that he left JP to come work with me, he spent that year on the floor on

his back because his back was so out. I was in California doing an event with Deepak Chopra. as having breakfast with Deepak and Zach had been up all night. We were there together and he'd been lying on the floor. It was just like, this is really the height of the problem. I said, Deepak, what's going on with Doc? You know, it's just so terrible. And he says, you could line up 40 men, the exact same age, the exact same weight, the exact same profile and half of, and all of the exact same herniated disc. Half of them would feel pain and the other half wouldn't. And the half that do or have some emotional disturbance happening in their life that they're projecting that pain and extending, and it's also literal. It's like you stop, you stop oxygen flow to the part of your body. It actually is extending pain into your body. And the focus is on the pain, not on the impermissible. Yeah, I became familiar with his work when my ex-husband actually was having a lot of back pain while we were embarking on our divorce. And he read the book and he dealt with the emotional stuff and he got better. And I like how you said in your

Brooke, you're like, my husband might be pissed off that I'm writing about this, but, you know, it can help so many people. And I think a lot of people hear psychosomatic and bristle because this is so real, you know, when you're experiencing it, it's so real. So I appreciate that you say, like, no, it really is real. It is real. Yeah. I had gastro issues for 30 years. Yeah. That was real. I was having CBO. I was having gastritis. I was having, like, you can't not take PPI when you're having gastritis, right? But why? Why was I having gastritis? Because I just remember. my trauma, right? The whole year of after the trauma, I was having like upper endoscopies and I had like, I was like bleeding. I couldn't even like from the inside of my stomach because I was in such a

stress state and I didn't want to focus on the suffering. So there's a whole chapter on body parts, how to check in with your parts. Okay. So now that you're there, what do you think are the things that you do on a day to day basis that keep you there? Yeah. I am aware of these parts of my myself. So I'm there in that I'm not having the perfect experience. I'm not not having suffering. I'm not not experiencing life. But I have such a strong awareness of the parts of myself that are activated in the moments. And I have compassion, love, and connection towards those parts of myself. And I offer them healing and support in the moment. I can get myself back to center. I know that there's safety inside. I know where to go. I know how to work with those parts of myself. Last,

just five days ago, I've had a great trip with Josh. We were in Phoenix yesterday. We were now here. Like, we're just going to go to Denver. Like, we were on the road. We're doing it. I've been having a lot of fun. Two days earlier, I was looking at my husband in a full-blown menopausal state because my medication was like sort of shifting and I wasn't on enough medication. I had to up my meds. And so I went sort of back into menopause. Like, like it's very true. with these meds. You need support. And I was having a meltdown. I can't do it all. I've got this trip. I've got the book. I don't know what to do. Losing my shit on him. You and Ali are in the city, but I need the space to write. I have another book I have to write, like literally losing my mind.

One, because yes, of the workload, two, because of the menopause. And you know what I did? I walked away. I checked in. I checked in with the hormonal part. And I let the hormonal part speak to me and the hormonal part was like, I just need to speak, I need to speak for this. I don't need to speak as this. I need to speak for this. And so after checking in with the hormonal part, I could go back to my husband and say, all right, I'm aware. I'm not on enough medication. I'm still upping it right now. I have a lot on my plate. My hormones are really all over the place. I'm having extreme mood swings. I need you to be aware. of what's happening. Instead of going into victim and blame and shame and you should know this,

you should be taking care of me. I was able to check in with the hormonal part. So yeah, that's a real thing that's happening to me. That's a real experience. But instead of overriding it or becoming so blended with it, I checked in with it and I asked it what it needed. It said, I just need to speak for what's happening. I need to be vocal about this. I then later in the day said to my team, men and women on Zoom. I said, I'm in menopause. I'm working to get my medication to the perfect place. I'm going to be on fire. You haven't even seen how awesome I'm going to be ever. I never even knew how amazing. I could be Gabby with hormones. I'm going to be amazing. But, team, I'm in a moment of struggling and I want you to be patient with me. And if I seem to be out a little lashing out of her, please respect, you know, trust and respect what I'm going through. Speak for the part. I love that.

I'm going to be doing the there. She's like, can't be like, I'm going to be implementing this by the way. Yes. I mean, I was going through something the last few days, which I won't get into here because we don't have time. But like some sort of like flare up autoimmune, something that I've been dealing with ever since the whole Botox incident last year that I'm trying to figure out. But as you're talking, I'm like, I don't know, I feel like maybe one of my parts is that to control it, I get like hyperproductive. Like that's how I, and I try to put it away. And, you know, the last, not today, but the few days before this, I had a lot of recordings. I was super struggling. I was like having a hard time getting my work done. And it never dawned on me. I mean, I complain, I think. I told Ashley what was going on a few days ago. But I love that you're just like checking in with that part of self. That's something that I didn't do. What do you need right now? I'm hearing that right now. So I'm channeling a little bit for you. I don't know if that's open. Yeah. Okay. So. So. my hands going on and I start to channel. So what I'm hearing is curiosity, curiosity, curiosity.

So the part of you that is, and I don't diagnose when I channel, I'm just going to give you guidance, right? So the part of you that is, even the flare up, right, is, of course, fear, right? Fear of it coming back or something can trigger it. And then going into that protector part of, you know, hypervigilance and working and all that to avoid it is a protector, right? So instead of going there, check-in. And the check-in is just becoming curious, okay, what is this trigger? What is this feeling and sensation? Using this four-step process. And the word curiosity is the loudest word in the room right now. And that is going to be, they're saying that this is actually going to completely, and I'm not a doctor, so just take it or leave it. And you can call me in a year and tell me what

happens. But your guys are saying, this is totally, like this can be abolished. Like you're the auto, your autoimmune. It's not your autoimmune. They're saying it's the autoimmune experience that's protecting. So, and it may be, you may feel resistance, but it can be gone. It can be completely in remission, gone. This is an up-leveling period of your life. You're in a breakthrough moment. It doesn't have to be a breakdown. It might not be comfortable, but it is a cracking open to another up-level. And they're saying your guides are applauding you. They're really, really proud of you, and they're really proud of how far you've come. And they're saying that there's no accident that we're back here now, that this, this or your whole journey, all of the therapeutic stuff, all of it

you're doing, it's excellent, it's perfect. Just keep reminding yourself this simple, this is the simplicity of it. All the resources I need are inside. I've got this. This isn't something I have to run from. I've got this. And keep be almost like your own inner cheerleader a bit, like, I'm doing the work. I'm doing a great job. Like this is meeting these moments and being like, okay, this is shining the crystal that is me. Just being a little bit more loose and relaxed about it. Okay, like, okay, like this is where we're at, you know, okay, that's just, this is a part, you know, just sort of naming it, which is what you're saying to naming it instead of blaming it. Ooh, that was good. Thank you. Yeah. Wow. I really feel that. I mean, that really resonates. And thank you. Thank you for that. I do feel like I'm at this turning point.

It's a cracking open. Yeah. There's major things coming. Like it's really, I mean, yes, professionally life, whatever, but really personal major things. come like you're going to be a different person in a year or from now and in a different better just freer right that freedom's right here the precipice of that freedom and and there's so much courage like there's such a strong courage inside they're just like keep going keep going thank you don't have to push it it's very like a titrating and and then just go be normal and like go get a smoothie and you know that's crazy because that's what I'm doing right after this okay how did you know earthbar now that well that that I mean that's that's actually the their point is like, it's like, you know, another metaphor they're showing me is like when I was

like doing so much spiritual overpass. One of my, one of my mentors at the times said, just go eat an ice cream. You know, it's like for you, it's a smoothie. Like just just go and just do the simple stuff. Yeah. And just enjoy it and just be normal. Yeah. Amazing. Well, I'll also be doing the work and, you know, the book for everybody listening, like, it's not overwhelming. And it's laid out so beautifully. And there are simple prompts for checking in and everything. So it's so nice having you on again. And congratulations on being there. And I think we should check in in a year because I want to know where you are in a year. Yeah. Yeah. We'll come back and do this in a year. But you also have to get my cell phone in New York. I want to go to New York. Okay. Yeah. I'm texting. And then do you have my app? Did I ever give

you the no? Oh, God. Okay. So I have this incredible app called the Gabby Coaching app. It's really a membership. So it's a coaching membership. It's all inside this sick app. We put so much energy into this. You can pull a card. In fact, can you hand me your phone or my phone, Josh. Before we close, is I want to pull a card for you from the app. So you open the app and the first thing you do is you pull a card. There's like hundreds of meditations, workshops, two minute exercises every day. Choose your own adventure or just let me guide you. So you're going to scroll to the right or the left and then tap.

Just set the intention. There you go. There's your card. I'm ready to go big. Rise up and step into my power. No way. Shut the fuck up right now. Here it is.

Is that not what I was just talking about? Amazing. And then you head in there and you've got like, Like, your daily practice today is to surrender is the surrender prayer. No way. All right. I hear it. Okay, got it.

And then there's also what's nice about the app is that there's also check-ins with me. There's 11. So if you start doing the book, right, you can actually let me check in with you. So I'll guide you through the check-in process. We can check in with your anxious parts today. I'll give it to you now. Okay. Thank you.

We'll tell everybody where they can find you. Oh, my God. Deargabby.com is everything. And, you know, I just really want to close by just saying how proud I am of you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Likewise. Yeah. I can't wait till I'm there, there. I think you're there there now, right? This is you're there right now. Because you're, that's the other thing is the there, let's just close with this. The there isn't really a destination. The there is a feeling. And so the there that you're in right now, that feeling of knowing that you have this awareness, having long-term recovery. That's an excellent place to be. Yeah. Plenty of people would wish they were there. Yeah. Well, again, what I was saying earlier, I think it's amazing, like the work that you've done and how you've prioritized yourself while doing all of the things. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. If you liked the episode and if you like the show in general,

please take a second to rate, review, and subscribe. It goes such a long way in supporting the show. Follow the show over on Instagram at well.pod. You can also follow my personal Instagram at Ariel Lurie. I'm always sharing great clips from the episodes. And we also have full episodes. on YouTube as well if you want to watch in entirety. Thanks for listening. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.