Well with Arielle Lorre - 8: ALEXIS HAINES - Drugs, Trauma & Recovering from Reality Part I

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

In part one of Arielle's episode with Alexis Haines, they talk about what it was like growing up with trauma; years of hard drug use; reality TV; the Bling Ring; detoxing in jail; and finally getting sober. Alexis has overcome so much and has so much wisdom at a young age - and she's also funny as F*k. Yep, there's swearing on this episode; you've been warned! You can see Alexis on Instagram HERE Or check out her podcast here: www.RecoveringfromReality.com For Arielle's cookbook:https://theblondefiles.com/the-blonde-files-cookbook/ Follow Arielle here on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ariellelorre/ And catch up with Arielle here on YouTubeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Sonders Sonders Go to your reisadevice or sonikars combe You're listening to Over the Influence I'm your host Ariel Lorry. I'll be talking to movers and shakers in the world of wellness and beyond, and people who have had their own interesting journey, whether it be physical, mental,

spiritual, or professional. Thanks for joining. Let's get into it. All right. I hope everybody is having a good week so far. So I'm going to do something a little bit different this week and next. I'm actually breaking up my interview with Alexis Haynes into two parts. And I'm doing that mainly because it was a long interview. It was over an hour. And we just covered so much ground that I really want you guys to hear it. And I know that like people can kind of tune out after a certain amount of time. So I thought I would just try something different, break it up, give you guys a week to recharge after you hear the first part.

and yeah let me know if this is something you like or if you'd rather just have it all in one be nice um yeah so i just love the fact that Alexis and i are now friends i like really there are just some people that you totally vibe with and she is definitely one of them which is funny because when she had her reality show pretty wild i was in my own addiction and so I was happy to, like, judge other people and how they were living their lives and point at them and anything to deflect from my own life, which was a hot mess a lot of the time. So when she had the show, I was like, okay, well, that's, like, pretty bad. And I don't know, like, how obvious it was that she and her sister were high on the show. I don't know if I just was able to recognize it because I was an addict.

Like, if I were to watch it again, what I would think. I don't know. I'm kind of curious. But I definitely recognized a lot of myself and her, even though we have very different backgrounds. And so it's just crazy to me that 10 years later, she is sober. I'm sober. we both are like on this mission to share our stories and share hope and it's just crazy. It's crazy how the universe works and how people are brought together and how profoundly people

can change in recovery. However they choose to do that. So we get into a lot of her backstory and the second part is going to be more about recovery in her life today. But it's really interesting. She's so much fun to talk to you and to listen to. So without further ado, Alexis Haynes. All right, welcome Alexis. Thank you so much for coming today. Thank you for having me. Guys, she's such a trooper. She came here, like, probably drove like two or three hours to get here with a sling on her arm. So, yeah, I really appreciate it. I'm just happy to be here. I just adore you.

Oh, ditto. Ditto. It's so cool how Instagram and social media and the universe and everything just brings people together. Yeah. I mean, it can be really divisive or it can connect you with really awesome people. And so I'm really grateful for the cool people that I have met that I've connected with and stayed close with over the years. It's good. And can we just talk about your bio for a second?

Okay. Did you just change it? I just saw it. What is it? Used to shoot dope. I used to shoot up heroin. Now it's just vitamins and Botox. I mean, that's a girl after my own heart.

It's like that's my soulmate right there. I went on the dopey podcast like a week ago and I had said it on the podcast. And then I was like, that's really fucking good. I think I'm going to stick with it. That's like a tagline. I'm writing a book right now. It's going to come out in September for Recovery Month. And I think it's going to be recovering from reality.

my journey from shooting dope to shooting up, you know, vitamins or whatever. It's going to be something along those lines. It's pretty great. Yeah, I love that. And I love that you're so vocal about like, I mean, we've talked about this, like, Botox and beauty stuff. It's like people kind of have this assumption that like you can't do everything. You can't be about one thing and then do this other thing, right?

Well, I just think that you can do everything. Yeah. Like you, you know, I think that there's a balance. There's certain things that I personally. wouldn't you like I would never get implants that's my personal choice like I weigh out the risks and benefits for everything and then I make the decision based on like what my comfort level is and that's it and then for the most part like I do eat a really clean diet um and then probably usually after I'm at a birth I'm also a birth fula after a birth it's like midnight and I'm starving and I'll go to

Taco Bell and I have no fucking shame about it so it's just like balance Yeah. Everything in life is balance. Yeah. That word is so overused now, but it's so true. I mean, that's what it comes down to. Yeah. In all areas of life, whether it's like diet, professionally, relationship-wise, it's all balance.

So, okay, so I want to go back to kind of the start, like pre-TV show days. So what was your life like? You grew up in L.A., right? Yeah, so I grew up with a mom who was an ex-model and a dad who was a director of photography. He did friends for eight years, the nanny, all these big sitcoms back in the 90s, early 2000s. And I grew up right outside of L.A. And, you know, just chaos. It was just chaos.

Like my parents divorced when I was three. There was a lot of early childhood sexual abuse that began around the age of four. four or five years old, at the hands of a family member. He kept that secret until basically into sobriety pretty much, which happened when I was 19. So it was just pure chaos, like lots of physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence, alcoholism. I was just a kid that was constantly, like, disregulated. Like there was just, I was never in a state of.

like serenity. Like they just, it was just always super high highs or super low lows and just really chaotic. And then by the time I was 15, I was starting to use hard drugs. And then by the time I was 19, like I got sober. So it was pretty fast.

By the time I was 19, I was a twice convicted felon. And my entire life had fallen into like just, just, it was just pieces. all over the place and a total mess. So, you know, my reality show pretty wild, you guys got to see the tail end of the chaos of me barely hanging on.

And that was kind of, you know, everything was already on fire. And there was no putting out the flames, you know, and everything was falling apart. And so that was kind of, yeah, that was like the end of my demise. How did that show come to be? I think I read about it somewhere, but they approached you guys. Yeah. So my sister Tess and I were doing what a lot of young drug addict females in L.A. do.

We were working music videos and background and like modeling. I put that in quotes. It's not really modeling. We're not tall enough to be modeled. Although these days, like I look at like the Bella Hadidz. I saw Bella at Coachella last year. and I was in the bathroom next to her and I was like, you're not even that fucking tall. Like, you're just really skinny.

Like, I could have done that when I was 110 pounds. Like, nowadays, like, models don't have to be six foot. Yeah, it's true. But back then. Especially with Instagram and. Yeah. But, you know, now things have changed. Had only, you know, I joke about this all the time because I feel like my message is so important.

And, like, I'm constantly battling, like, Instagram. Like, I don't have that many followers, you guys. but I say like had pretty well been like now like oh my god I would have had like five million followers on Instagram right now and I would have been just and I would have never gotten sober because I would have just condemned I mean like Jordan Woods is making a comeback like everybody can just make a comeback now where like for me there was no there's no comeback which is fine because I probably would have also been dead but you know so we were just working and living that like club or lifestyle like just we knew um a lot of really wealthy people and we were partying a lot

and then yeah we were approached when we were working on this um like college film at UCLA by this guy Dan um levy who's actually coming on my podcast uh in a couple weeks so dan was working in the on this movie as well and he's like you guys are great would you ever want shoot a sizzle reel and we had no idea what that meant. This was kind of like the beginning of, or like the peak of reality TV, right? Like this is when everything was kind of blowing up. Did he know that you guys were on drugs? No, no.

We were still, we were really able to hide it until a couple weeks into the show when those like $10,000 check started rolling in and then the drug addiction just went like through the roof, you know, because we would, we were. we're smoking oxies and taking Xanax and drinking and smoking weed, but at like a lower level because, you know, couldn't afford it. Oxies were like 45 bucks a pill. That's crazy. Yeah. They're probably more now. Probably. Yeah. And it's just nuts. So we, um, we weren't able to use at the rate that we were until we started getting those, you know, big $10,000 a week checks. And then we had a $10,000 a week habit.

So we just, there was nothing to show for the, all of the hard work, those 5 a.m. call times. Right before, so what happened was the show got picked up. It was supposed to be kind of about, we were like the hippie versions of the Kardashians. Like my mom believed in the secret. Speaking of which, we're right across the street from Agape, which I love. I've never been there. I know about it, though. It's literally right there.

I've like walk across the street. I've heard great things. Amazing. So I grew up practicing Buddhism my whole life. My mom has been about manifestation, which started off with the science of mind. And she's been practicing this since she was like 12. So she's the real deal. Aside from being just like up until recently a really imbalanced person.

So it like wasn't really a healthy thing. but now it is. So that's good for her. But now she's counseling, right? Yeah, she's doing really well. Like when I got to when I was about two years sober, she really got her shit together and like just realized like, wow, I'm a mess. Like she, you know, and that's what I refer to as like spiritual bypass. Like when you're like, just pretending you're super spiritual and you like know all of these words and all these things.

But I mean, I mean, look at the Catholic church. Like all these popes preaching and, you know, then they're like molesting and raping little boys. It's like there's always sick people who are claiming to be super spiritual. Not that my mom was a rapist. She certainly was. That's a really bad analogy. But it's like a facade that you can hide by the end. Yes, it is.

And so the show got picked up. And then to second day of filming first night, we've recorded with Mickey Avalon. and I was or was not out shooting heroin with them. I forgot about him until right now. Great. Are you kidding? Like an L.A. icon. Yeah.

Shout out to Mickey Ammon. I hope you're doing well. Is he alive? I have no idea. I hope he is. Because, yeah, like God, what an icon. His music really got me through high school. So rich, so pretty.

So rich, so pretty. You know. And that quote that I said, sliding down from heaven on a stripper pole that is like meant for me. Oh my God. In my 17-year-old, I think I was 17 when I started recording the show or 18-year-old, I would smack the fucking shit out of her. Yeah, what did your mom think? I mean, did she know that you guys were using? Or was she just kind of in her own world?

She knew about the pot. She knew about the drinking. She probably knew that we did like a little cocaine on the weekends. but I don't think she really knew. Like I said, we were very good. We lived dual lives. And even when we were recording the show, it was a completely like dual existence

because we were living what people thought were these like really glamorous lives. But we were actually living in a Best Western, driving my like little shitty Acura. And like I said, we had nothing. So, you know, I just, it was this, it was all a facade. You know, that house wasn't really our house. Really?

Yeah, wasn't really our, wasn't really our house. Yeah. Sorry to tell you, all you reality TV can, but it's not. Reality TV is an actual reality. And so the second day of filming, so we're out all night with Mickey Avalon. I come home at like three in the morning, take his name. Can I'm crawling to bed and like a couple hours later the cops are at my house To arrest me. So the show took like a really dark turn and they had no idea that that was gonna happen

I had no idea that was gonna happen so to get into like the bling ring thing So Nick and Rachel we were these kids from Calabasas if do you listen to not another true crime podcast by Betches? No so good so they just oh so good they just did a blingering episode and And it is, hands down, like, the most, it is, it was the closest thing that I've actually ever heard or read that really depicted, like, what the bling ring was and the details of the events and the case and stuff like that. If you don't listen to that podcast, listen to that. Or at least listen to that episode. If you're at all fascinated with the bling ring, you should know this. Because they actually, they go and get case documents and all this stuff.

It's really cool. So anyway, so Nick and Rachel were these kids from Calabasas that. had been robbing celebrities for a long time, and my sister test knew Nick. And I, so Nick became kind of part of our party scene. He was this really fun, he was like my gay best friend, you know what I mean? A best friend that I had become best friends with in like two weeks time because I only knew him for like a couple of months. So like he started tagging along with us.

And like we didn't know that he was like robbing houses at this point. And so then we had signed this contract with Ian June. And then, like I said, my drug habit started going up. My mom actually kicked Tess and I out of the house, and I went to go stay with Nick. And I had only known him. So this was at his parents' house. I had only known him for like three or four months. Anyways, we're out partying one night at Bay.

So I'm like in my blackout, you know, like I've been drinking, taking some Xanax or whatever. And he's like, we got to go, dress to this house. Didn't know at the time that it was Orlando Bloom's house, but it was Orlando Bloom's house. So I guess Rachel had called him and was like, hey, you know, come here. And that's kind of how it was. Called who? Nick. Okay.

So Nick. So this is kind of how it was like Rachel would like not stockings sound the right word, but like watch these houses and stuff. And then she would be like, Nick, we're good to go. like, you know, like I've got it figured out. And this was before like the Twitter and Instagram days. So like she was like if she needs to like join the FBI and become a detective because fuck, she was good. She was like a stakeout. She was good.

Yeah, it was a stakeout. Yes. So she called Nick. So we go there that night. Um, the robbery takes place and Nick and I stop talking because I was kind of like, what the fuck? Like this is way like I'm gnarly. Like I'll check cars, right?

For like cash and like presents and like shit like that. like drug funding you know like fund my drug habit like I was certainly no mother Teresa like I you know I was I would panhandle I was like even considering stripping at one point like I was not a good person but like actually like robbing houses like not for me you know what I mean like I would take shit from like Sephora you know what I mean like but who hasn't and and and you know and actually they make a joke about that on like not another true come podcast they're like but who hasn't like I would do dumb stuff like as a young kid and um you know steal from my parents and shit like that but like

i'm not um like a mastermind but i became the face of the blingering because well i believe it's not very sexy for just some young kids from calabasas robbing celebrities i mean that story is like great but it only gets used like you know like a couple months in the news maybe yeah you had the show they had a face for it yeah so when they came to my house and arrested me i had had a actually called the cops a few times. I called the cops a few times. There had been surveillance videos. Stop talking to Nick.

He kept robbing houses. There's surveillance video from Lindsey Lowen's house and I think Audrina Patrages where they're like looking into the fucking camera and I was like, oh my God, that's Nick. So he called the cops and I was like, hey, just an FYI, like here's a tip.

Like, this is Nick. This, because I'm like, this is bad. Like, you can't be stealing, like, millions of dollars of shit. Like, this is, like, a bad, you know what I mean? Like, I have, like, a little bit of a conscious here. And so when the cops showed up at my house, I was, like, on that Xanax that I had taken a couple of hours earlier. And it didn't, like, register, like, this is a SWAT team, not, like, some detectives, like, calling me into, like, ask me questions about, like, what I know. Like, this is, like, a fucking SWAT team at my house right now.

And so it didn't really make sense So I'm like chirping like a little bird over there Like telling them like yeah I was at this house one night And no lawyer No lawyer You know I asked for a lawyer But it wasn't until I was already at the station And they've been interrogating me

I don't remember that interrogation at all Because like I said I was like totally loaded Yeah I was gonna say The Xanax probably like donned it a little bit So you were just Yes yes yes And at one point

you know and um i've ever seen like making a murder that a couple episodes okay so it's very similar to like that making a murder like we know you were there like whose name was it like you you said the name of the person earlier you know blah blah but like they've said the name to me like they've been we're fucking with me and i was just like whoa like what is going on right now so thankfully like my attorney showed up or whatever ended up taking a plea deal so fought the whole case on national television as a heroin addict at 18 years old, it's kind of, it was just a shit show, which was great, but also not great. Did you, did you at any point think the heroin was a problem?

I mean, did it ever cross your mind that like something to stop or were you just not there? No, so I think, so I know for certain the reason why I used downers, why I used heroin was because I had such bad trauma. Like, I'm talking, like, forced to perform all sex at, like, five years old. Like, just the most heinous, disgusting, just, just, like, needed to shut it all off. Like, just every single, like, bit of it needed to go away. And so, no one was going to touch me or my heroin. You know what I mean?

Like, that was the only thing that provided me with. like comfort and like kept me from killing myself. Can I ask, you said you started using around 15, but what did, what were your coping skills before that before you found drugs to deal with all of that? Yeah. Sugar and carbs. Um, and then I remember sneaking warm beers out of my friends' parents' garages and just, you know, whatever I could get my hands on.

Yeah. Just change how your, change your state of being. Yeah. Yeah. So just whatever I could to escape. Okay, so you ended up going to jail. Yeah. Right?

Took a plea deal. It's not a good idea to go to trial when you're on heroin. Like, just a really, really bad, really bad idea. At that point, did people know? Or was it still? So, yeah. So someone, my drug dealer actually took photos of me, like, smoking heroin and posted them online, like sold them to Nick Ritchie and the dirty

Do you remember the dirty? Yeah. Is he still around? He sold the dirty and we're actually friends. Really? Well, he kind of like he had a family, right? I actually really like him now. Like, for the most part, it's such a trip. It's like, how do you, like, he hated me.

Like, and I really hated him because he would call me out on all my shit. But that was his job, right? Yeah, and I mean, it's a disgusting job. Like, it's a pretty, dirty like I wouldn't want that job like I probably couldn't sleep at night but yeah that was like the time of Perez Hilton too right yeah yeah so like a lot so the pictures went around and um you know

I actually think it no it was both of us smoking you know I didn't really like you know we make excuses right like no it's just weed or you know whatever but it's like clearly a tutor and foil like I don't know I don't know like whatever it took man to like keep getting loaded but um the cops it was a combination of things like the cops were playing dirty my attorney was not the best attorney and i was advised to take a plea deal and i was on heroin and i took it and i'll say this over and over and over again like going to jail is the best thing that ever happened to me saved my life going to jail twice is the best thing that ever happened

to me and saved my life in jail so you would ask like do you ever think heroin was a problem in jail when I like went through the detox and naturally like sobered up because I went and I was in solitary confinement at Linwood for that summer. So I detoxed and after the detox I kind of was like, will like, okay, heroin is probably a problem for me and I should just stick to like weed and drinking. Oh yeah, I did that quite a few times. It's like I would pick whichever thing I wanted to be the problem and then so that I could still have something, right? Yeah. No, I I definitely, even into early soriety, I remember thinking things like, I'm not going to have a glass of champagne at my wedding?

Like, how, like, how am I going to survive? You know what I mean? That was, like, my only coping skills. And so, thank God I got coping skills, like, pretty early on in recovery. So, you know, so I got out, kept getting loaded, got arrested again, possession of heroin, was facing up to six years in prison. And the judge, um, thank, mercifully. sent it to me to treatment and this best thing that ever happened to me.

So jail was your rock bottom, you would say? I'd say my rock bottom actually happened. Like, in rehab, I had an emotional bottom that, you know, like where I kind of realized, like, I'm the maker of all of my own messes. It's hard when you have to look at your own shit and realize that you're the common denominator. Yeah, up until then, like the ego is still really big and powerful. And I wasn't really willing to accept personal responsibility, you know, because it was always like, it was my rapist's fault.

And it was my child sexual abuse. And it was my dad. And it was this and it was that. And it takes a lot to get to the clarity and understanding of like, hey, yeah, like that all happened and that's really horrible, but you're the only one that can fix this and you have to take responsibility. So I think that the, yeah, I mean, going to jail obviously sucks. Like, no one wants to detox from heroin in jail. It's gnarly and disgusting.

But actually, like, mentally having to crawl yourself out of addiction is just brutal. Yeah. And it's hard when you do have those legitimate traumas and things that were done to you. I mean, like, we're taught when we get sober that to look for our part in everything, right? But there are certain things that, like, happened to us. And what's your part? You know, it's like your part often is still holding on to it and letting it affect your life. Yeah. And the ways that we then go out and abuse ourselves and other people. after, you know, that's where that like personal responsibility aspect comes into play. And that was hard for me to like really wrap my head around. It took me quite a while to to take that personal responsibility. Well, in 19 years old, it's such a young age to like have lived that much. That's like a lifetime, right?

And then at 19, like when you're still like developing into yourself. Yeah. And to have to like take responsibility for all that. It's just kind of unfathomable. I mean, I really admire you for doing that. Like 19, I was just getting started. I got my first DUI at 19 and went to treatment. But I was like, I'm not stopping.

Yeah. No way. Yeah, I think that for me, like the dope took me down. It took me down hard. And then thankfully, I think because I have. even though my mom was like in my household was chaotic like I did have spiritual like the spiritual aspect of recovery um was not difficult for me to wrap my head around because I had grown up in an environment where that was really um instilled in me that you know that we are all a part of source

you know what I mean and it exists everywhere and in everybody and that um you can tap into that and into that love whenever you want and I just I just didn't know how to do it before sobriety and so when thankfully I had a sponsor who she was 20 or so we're off heroin and she was this amazing she was this amazing like I would consider her like a hippie who lived in Topanga and she was a wardrobe stylist for commercials and so she was was she had really young energy she was like kind of like a mama to me but she had like really young energy and she was very connected and grounding and just had so much knowledge and she was just perfect for me like she was just exactly like what and who I needed in my life so so would you say the hardest part of early sobriety for you was looking at looking at your responsibility and things. I mean, for people who are like newly sober listening to this, what were the things that you struggled with the most and how did you get through it? I think the hardest thing that I dealt

with was staying put. You know, like, um, as drug addicts, we're like constantly on the run, you know, like we're just like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And like, next thing and next fix and like, how can I stay distracted and getting grounded and sitting in my discomfort and sitting in my shit really was uncomfortable. And I remember my sponsor, like, I'd freak out about the smallest things. And she'd be like, I'd call her in a meltdown. And she would say, sit where you're at for five minutes and then call me back and then hang up on me. I love that.

And I'm like, what? Like, wait, what? Like, I mean, it's just like, you know, like, listen to my. sob story and like help me out of this. Yeah. And I'd call her back. She'd be like, see, you're okay. That's amazing.

You're not gonna die. But just like learning, learning how to be okay with being uncomfortable. I've had so many uncomfortable situations in sobriety. They always lead to growth, you know, when we're in the dirt of it and we're in the soil. And we just feel like we're afraid. climbing ourselves out of this hole, it's taking me a long time to realize that, A, you know, you don't have to work so hard that like everything that you need is already here, you know, like you just, and it's amazing because my spiritual practice now is so big.

Like when I say that, like I can actually feel on the top of my head like light and energy, like moving down through my body and like grounding me into this earth and just feeling like really so deeply connected to the divine. We've talked about this. I'm not really religious. I'm spiritual. Like I love Jesus. Like Jesus is the man.

Like he was a, you know, like he was like he was like a spiritual law like rule breaker. Like he like set the tone for like the revolution for like the, you know, taking care of people and caring about people and equality and love and

justice and all of these things that that I want to live my life by. And, you know, and then I also practice Buddhism and all of these, you know, very, you know, alternative thought and stuff like that. But, you know, all I'm saying is, um, when you're in early recovery, you don't have to worry about all of that. Just trust that, like, you have what you need right now, you know, and that, um, that even if you feel like you're not going to be okay, like you will be okay.

I mean, I'm just kind of coming out of like probably the worst depression I've ever had in my life, unmedicated. It's fucking brutal. Like, it's absolutely brutal. I don't respond to antidepressants or I have like extreme adverse reactions to them. So I've gone this last eight years of my sobriety drug free and it's fucking crazy. How long has that been going on? Um, on and off. So it comes, my depression comes in waves.

I think I've always been depressed. Our brains develop differently, right? When we are under immense amounts of trauma, especially as children, they're wired differently than someone who doesn't go through that trauma. And so, um, I have always felt depressed. most of the time it's manageable. But, you know, I think that there was kind of like a storm of events. Like I wasn't really connected in my spiritual practice. And then the fires happened.

We lost five of our treatment center houses in Malibu. We had a suicide in the family in December. A huge, you know, tax bill. Thank you, Donald Trump. Go fuck yourself. You know, he totally fucked us this year. The clip sound bite, by the way. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Like a huge fucking tax bill. Like, thanks, bro. And I always, I always bitch about that. And I think it's so painful. And somebody close to me in my life always reminds me, well, the alternative is not making any money. I know. I know.

I know. But, no, but. But here's the thing. I don't mind, and oh, we don't have to talk about politics. But I don't mind paying 50% in taxes, which is about what we pay, right? And I think, and I hate even talking about money because it's so gross. You know, in California, you know, if we were living in the Midwest, we'd be doing great. Yeah, strolling in it.

But we live in California, right? And the cost of living is really high. My husband's Canadian. He has no 401k. He has no IRS. You know what I mean? Like, we have two kids. It's like life is expensive.

I don't mind paying taxes. Um, I just wish that the people in the 1% the 1% above me like actually paid taxes. Like if they were paying. Well, I don't know about that because again, I hate talking about money too. I think it's so icky. But I would think my husband is like the 1% or the 1% of the 1% and he pays a shitload in taxes. Yeah, I mean, I just think about, like I just wrote in this headline, Amazon made like X billion amount of dollars and paid like no taxes this year.

And I'm like, you know what? Like how are these? And my grandpa. Also our president doesn't pay taxes. So there are these loopholes. So there are the good people like you and your husband who like actually pay the IRS. And then there's people who like find every loophole possible because they can. And they use that loophole.

So, you know, I don't know. I just, it was a, it was like a number of things that started to, that were happening all at once. And then I kind of slipped into this and I was starting the podcast and all of this stuff was going on. And then I slipped into like a pretty deep depression like where I started having suicidal thoughts and I'm not sleeping and I can't function. And I can literally feel like it's like a weight like a hundred pounds of sitting on the top of my head. head and it just it's very it's very physical for me um you know so i know the solution so i dive into rakey and meditation and yoga and healing and like i said i'm doing that tms that transcranial magnetic simulation now and you know is it helping um yeah it's kind of too early to tell but i mean

i'm here so that's pretty great yeah you are okay guys now that i'm actually recording this ending. I feel kind of guilty about cutting the interview off there, but it just kind of felt like a good halfway point, and we'll pick it back up next week. Thank you, as always, for tuning in. Please rate, review, share, spread the word, do all the things. It really helps me to be able to keep doing this, and I really, really appreciate you guys. All right, I will talk to you next week.