wellRED podcast - #103 - "Let's Not Blame EVERYTHING On Religion!" w/ Donnie Marsh!

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

This week, ya boy The CHO sits down with comedian, and former Youth Pastor Donnie Marsh. Among other things, the discussion includes growing up religious (and in Florida), anxiety, Biblical misinterpretations, and the transition from Youth Pastor to Comedian and how they relate to each other. This was a SUPER interesting and fun conversation which I believe warrants a Part 2!Thanks for listening. Share with your friends and go leave us a review!wellredcomedy.comsmokeyboysgrilling.comcarvevodka.comlookoutcomedyfestival.comNew View Window Cleaning

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it.

Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.

I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah.

So that was money. What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first. But then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.

That cold case you're listening to nasty stuff. But you know what else is a crime? Missing even a moment of whatever you're doing to go on a drink run. Luckily there's Drizley, the number one app for alcohol delivery. With Drizley, you can compare prices. on the biggest selection of beer, wine, and spirits, then get them delivered in under 60 minutes. So download the Drizzly app or go to Drsley.com. That's D-R-I-Z-L-Y dot com today. You've reached your boy, the Cho, Corey Ryan Forster, so sorry to miss your call. If it's the morning time, I'm probably still asleep and have been since my wife left for work

and woke me up by calling me a lazy, fat piece of shit. And if it's not time, I'm probably in the other room with my headphones on, listening to Jimmy Buffett while I make a pizza. Other than that, I'm probably on a plane headed to some city to do stand-up where 25% of the crowd will refer to me as Trey Crowder's buddy. Anyways, leave your name and number after the beep, and if I can once again beat the odds and not fall over dead in my kitchen from some pepperoni-related heart failure, I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Corey, what's up, buddy? I know you're doing some religious stuff on the podcast this week. and I did have a story, a couple stories that I wanted to share. First was when I've been thinking of for a while. Well, my nephews were six and four, so like seven years ago. The oldest one, Jake, had just gotten his first trophy. He was playing baseball that year, and he'd just gotten the trophy. And he was so proud of it.

And John, the younger one, who was four, was also so proud of it. They were still at that adorable age where they couldn't share it. in the room together. You know what I mean? Like they could never share a toy, but they shared all experiences. So they got that trophy, and it was definitely their trophy, at least in John's eyes. And I got home off the road, and they wanted to show me their trophy. So Jake shows me the trophy. You know, I won this playing baseball. And then John, he looks at it, and he looks at me, and he turns his head sideways, and with the most sincerity and the sweetest four-year-old face you can imagine, and he means it in his soul, he says to me,

that made Jesus cry. What? My mom explained to me that they loved this trophy so much that they smuggled it in the church, six and four years old, and they snuck the trophy in like a bag. They put it in their diaper bag or whatever it was without telling anybody so that when they got to church they could get it out and play with it. And my mom realized this when she saw John, walking around the church showing everyone the trophy, which side note, you know, on the topic

of participation trophies, if there's ever been a place for participation trophies, it's fucking church. If you sit through church, you should get a participation trophy. I'm completely with him there. But he's interrupting people at church to show them this trophy. So my mom goes to stop him. Now he's four years old. She's not going to whip him or anything like that.

But she has to explain to him why he can't do it. And so she explains to him that interrupting is rude, that you can't disturb church, and that doing so hurts Jesus's feelings. And it wasn't till later that week when someone came by, and the boys wanted to show off the trophy that she realized that the four-year-old had interpreted that, as that trophy makes Jesus cry. So when I got there a few weeks later, John was still talented. telling everyone that the trophy made Jesus cry, and my mom couldn't get him to stocks.

She couldn't figure out a way to explain to him at four that interrupting people in church was the problem, not the trophy itself, which obviously is a lesson in why we can't use religion to control people, especially little kids. Now, fast forward to now. I'm living here in LA, we've just gotten here. Andy, for lack of a better way to explain it, she's gotten really into what I'd call some pagan shit. which is super cool with me in general. You know, there's a lot of sex mess, and we get to drink wine. Hits.

But she asked me to participate in a ritual, something about the new moon and writing our fears down, and then we'll burn them. And I didn't want to do it. You know, for one, writing your fears down, Lord God, how much paper and time we got here, you know, I'm lazy. But also, it made me uncomfortable. And we kind of got into a fight about it. Now, she was mad because she said, she was mad about how I'd said no, which, I mean, let's be honest, I'm the most sweetest, polite person in this true world. No, I do say things in a way that is what some people would describe as dickish, and by some people, I mean anyone who's ever been around me. So I was like, all right, that's fair, but that's not, you know, I didn't mean to do that.

you think I don't want to do this just because I think it's stupid and I do but that's not it it also has a religious thing going on with it and I don't want to be involved in right and that's what I told her

she said what do you mean and I said this is all religion it's faith horoscopes saging the rooms you know worshipping the moon that's kind of what we're doing it requires belief to even care you know you ask someone their signs

To even give a damn where the moon was in the sky, nine months after my daddy got too drunk at a Skinnered show to remember to wear a condom, that's really, I mean, that's not really how it happened, but that's religion. To give a shit about that. It requires belief to care about that shit. And then if you care about it, you care about that information, you have to do something with it. You can't learn, oh, I'm a Pisces. That means I can only eat yogurt on Wednesday or whatever. I know that's not what they believe, but the point is you're going to change your behavior based upon the beliefs.

You have to. That's how that works. If you truly believe that, I don't know, Pisces aren't good, they're not compatible with a Sagittarius, then you're not going to date Sagittarius, and that's religion. You're letting beliefs affect your behavior. That's exactly what religion is. So you come and you ask me what time of day I was born, because that's supposed to have some sort of significance on my personality. Well, you were born at 5 a.m. during the harvestmen. So I was born in Harriman, Tennessee in 1984, but I don't think,

Andas are the best at bare math, so I don't think where you're born has any effect on your personality, okay? It's generally fine. If you do believe those things, I'm just not comfortable with religions because I don't want to trade one set of fears for another one. And I explained that to her, and she's like, well, it's still not a religion, but I get what you're saying. But you're not a little kid anymore, and it's fine with me if you don't want to do it. what I'm upset about, she said, was that you're always commenting on me doing stuff, and that's annoying. You have nothing to do with it. It has nothing to do with it being a religion that I'm asking you.

You just hate me doing it when I'm around you. The act itself seems to make you uncomfortable. She said, it's almost as if the religion of your past has spooked you, and it still spooked you so much that you just are afraid someone's doing witchcraft in your living room, and the crazy devil lady is going to bring demons into your soul, if you let her burn sage. And I was like, well, yeah, that's probably it. Sage fucking stinks, and also that made Jesus cry.

Because I realized she was right. I am uncomfortable with this stuff, mostly because I've been so indoctrinated into my own religion that I'm just uneasy about her casting spells and being witchy. And that's crazy. It's crazy to me that I'm 34 years old. And the idea of someone looking up at the moon and pouring blood on their body or whatever the fuck it is doesn't make me uncomfortable because it's a clear health violation in California, Tennessee and every other state except maybe Hawaii. I'm uncomfortable with it just because I was taught that was the devil.

So anyway, I heard witches can't be drowned so the next time she's not looking, I'm going to throw a gallon of water on her head to see what happens. I'll report back, baby. What's up, everybody? it's your boy the show well-read comedy.com, W-E-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com. Spell just like the podcast. That's where you can find out where we're going to be on our 2019 tour that we're kicking off

this Saturday, February 9th in San Francisco, California, at the Palace of Fine Arts. There are a few tickets available. Grab them before they sell out. Then we're on the next night to San Jose, California. February 15th, Lexington, Kentucky, February 16th, that make-up date in Northampton, Massachusetts. March 1st, Tampa, Florida, March 2nd, Port Lauderdale, Florida.

March 6, Los Angeles, Trey Crowder and Friends at Largo. March 8th. Chattanooga, Tennessee, hometown show. That one's about to sell out, too. Grab your tickets. March 9th and 10th, Knoxville, Tennessee. Both of those are about to sell out. Then, March 29th and 30th.

We're on to Sacramento, California. May 17th and 18th, Jacksonville, Florida. May 19th, Orlando, Florida, May 30th through June 1st, we're going to be back in New York City, baby, at Caroline's Comedy Club. If you did not hear your city announced, that does not mean we're not coming there. That just means that they're not up on the website yet, and we haven't announced them. That's just the first couple months of the 2019 Well-Red Comedy Tour. If you want to know more, like I said, go to Well-Red Comedy.com.

Sign up for the newsletter. That way you will know when we're coming to your city. honest to God, usually before I even do. You can grab some sweet merch, our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark, there's T-shirts, all sorts of stuff. So go check it out.

This portion of the podcast, as always, is brought to you by smokyboysgrilling.com. Go to smokyboysgrilling.com to grab all the rubs for all you meets. Also, carvevodka.com. You want to get drunk like the show? I know you do. Go to carvevodka.com and find out what all the buzz about about Jacksonville's

first and only craft vodka distillery also this week only new sponsor to the podcast New View Window Cleaning New View offers commercial and residential window cleaning pressure washing and gutter cleaning all around

the Chattanooga area reach out for a free quote on New View Window Cleaning's Facebook page which is www.com slash New View 423 I'm going to have that up in the bio of this week's podcast. New View Window Cleaning.

There's nothing I can't pressure wash, or my name isn't Donnie Marsh. I love it. That is also, ladies and gentlemen, one of the intros for the guest this week. On this episode of the well-read podcast, I sit down with comedian and former youth pastor, yes, you heard it right, former youth pastor, Donnie Marsh. And if you may have ascertained from Drew's voicemail, we will be talking about religion. and some comedy, of course, but mostly religion. Donnie is the host of Chat Talk Tonight, a monthly late-night talk show at the Palace Theater in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

And Donnie's also producing the Lookout Comedy Festival, which will take place in October of 2019 here in Chattanooga at JJ's Bohemia, the Palace Theater, Improv Chattanooga, and my home club and old stomping grounds, the comedy catch. If any comedians out there listen to this podcast and are interested in performing, they will be taking submissions on March 1st and run an early bird special until April 1st. Performers will be announced on June 1st, and for more information on the festival, like how you can become a sponsor, go to lookoutcomedyfestival.com. This podcast, for context, was actually recorded a few months back and was intended to be part of a solo podcast series that I was starting, but then we sold a television. show to ABC, and I guess it goes without saying, but I got busy with some other stuff. I still want to do this solo project in the future, but in my opinion, this conversation was too good not to share, and I'm glad I've got it. I mentioned that it was recorded a few months ago, again, literally just for context.

For instance, at one point in the conversation, Donnie mentions that Father's Day is coming up. Well, at the time, it was, but that's not the case right now, and I didn't want anyone to freak out and think they'd forgotten to go shopping. Also, at one point, the movie The Shape of Water gets brought up, and Donnie and I both mention that we had not seen it. I have since rectified that, and it is now one of my favorite movies of all time. So, anyways, that's probably everything I need in terms of context for why this was recorded a few months ago. But before we get into the conversation, we're going to hear a bit from Donnie Marsh about religious diversity in sports.

that was recorded at JJ's Bohemia in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I hope you all enjoy and skew. Well, well, well. Also, another thing I like, I like some more religious diversity in football. It's like football is the most like Christian sport. I just once I'd like to see a Satanist Tim Tebow. Just give me more. It's like at the end of every game, they interview him,

and he's always steering the conversation, you know, back where he wants it to go. And they're just like, how you win that game? And he's like, well, before I talk about that, I need to let you know all the glory goes to the dark Lord Satan, who comforts and guides me with his leathery wings. And as my eye black says,

yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am evil. That's great, Tim. He always does this. But tell us more about how you prepared for this game. Well, Linda, I'm just like you. Just like everybody, I put my pants on one leg at a time.

But after my pants are on, I take six ounces of mushrooms, and I go out into a graveyard, and I summon the ancient Inokian spirit to take over my body, and not my will, but theirs be done. Cool, Tim. Can you tell us about that final drive? What was going through your head? Well, frankly, not much. It's like anybody who's ever planned an orgy for men, women, and relatives.

reasonably well-groomed livestock could tell you, you can sharpen all the implements, you can get the vats of lube to exactly the right viscosity. But once things go off, it's just it goes all catawampus, and you've got a freestyle, baby. Thanks, Tim. I appreciate that. So how are you going to spend your off-season?

Whoa! I mean to do what I do every year. I mean, I go into hospitals and visit sick children. I'm going to laugh at them. I'd like to share with you. Put your hands together comes out on Fridays. Let's put your hands together. That's Cameron Esposito and Ria Butcher.

Oh, yeah, I know. Ria Butcher. Yeah, they do that whole, like, UCB theater. Like, they record a live show. And then whoever is comfortable putting their shit out there, they'll release it. And sometimes the one I just listened to, they were like, give it up for Kyle Canane. and then just like, and that was Kyle Kinney.

Because he's working on new stuff, of course. Did you watch his, uh, not yet. Oh my God. Yeah. I hear that's like one of the best ones. It was, I'm just, I'm talking about the standups on Netflix. It was, dude, it was stupid funny. Yeah.

And they've all been good. I like Bargatsy's a lot. Sure. But Kyle's was, uh, you know, right out the gate, buddy. Yes. I won't, I won't spoil anything, but he comes up to a. a very hilarious song and then immediately starts talking about mass shootings. That's all I'll say about that.

What is your, you've been, I met you when? Two and a half years ago. Two and a half years ago. Like right after I started. I met you right after you started and I was just, my tour almost started. So realistically we met and then we didn't, we've seen each other like, very, is it sparsely or is it? Sparatically? Sparatically?

Yeah, yeah. It's sparsely a word. Yes. Okay. It is. We've seen each other sparsely and sporadically through the past two and a half years. I think Ryan Darling's 30th birthday was the first time that you actually saw me. And then we hung out at Scruffy City at Comedy Festival a little bit.

And when I saw you, you were doing, I believe the first time I saw you were doing that the guitar bit. Which is the only time I've done that. Only time ever? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. And I've told you every time I've seen you, you've got to do that again. Oh, you got to do that.

Yeah. And, you know, I don't remember hardly any of the movie. to it. All I remember is you were emulating a youth, a youth church, a fire director. Yeah, yeah. Real stretch for me. Right. Yeah, we'll get into that. But I remember I was like walking into or out of JJ's and I saw that and I was like, oh shit, this is, I've seen this before. Not from you, but like I grew up in the church and I saw that and it was just such a great parody. And that's amazing. That's the only time you've ever done that. So when you say that's a stretch for you, what do you mean? Let the listeners know.

Oh, well, like, I was a youth pastor for many years. And I, like, I wanted to be a pastor. So, like, I grew up in church, but it stuck with me, you know, for a long time. And I mean, a lot of evangelical churches do this really fun thing where they can't afford to pay anybody. Yeah. And so it's a lot like comedy. It's a really good transition for you. Very much.

And so, like, they'll just take, like, whoever the cool 20-something. person is who's still in church who likes to hang out with teens and like let's let let let let him lead them what could possibly go wrong right yeah yeah what could happen um you know so but i was like i was very sincere i was the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family and i grew up in this uh you know church it was very you know well-intentioned where they just couldn't afford to pay anybody you know to be the youth pastor and so i wanted to be what i'd never had right which was you know like somebody who actually cared enough to stick around

and be like a genuine mentor. Of course, now I look back on myself and I'm like, oh, I taught very little useful information because I didn't really live. Like I didn't go out and live during that time. Right. I stayed in church. Yeah.

You know, so. It's funny you say that because I always thought that was interesting. Like one of the reasons when I was in church that I never took anything, a lot of the people said serious. was they would tell me not to do drugs and not to have premarital sex and yada. And then they would give their testimony. It's like, because I never did.

And I'm sitting there going, well, how fuck do you know then? Like, it might be great. You know what I'm saying? Like, I want somebody with goddamn, which they do this a lot with youth pastors. They get the guy with tattoos up there. Yeah. I used to be addicted to heroin. Yeah.

You're familiar with humble bragging, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I call that confession bragging. Oh, that's fucking good. Where you talk about like, like, just what a badass he used to be before the Lord came into your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we used to go to this, like, Pentecostal church when I was real little, and they would have, like, testimony night, and it was like open mic. Yeah. You know, so people would just be like, boy, before the Lord

came into my life, I fornicated with every woman in the county. Yeah. You know, and he's just bragging, you know, there would be some little old lady in the back going like, no, he didn't. He didn't do shit. I was there. But that's like in the Bible. Like the apostle Paul says that. He's like, I am the chief of sinners. It's like, you know, according to history, Nero's in power right now, You don't have shit on Niro. Yeah, Nero was like having people raped giraffes for his play. Right. It's just like burning people alive.

Maybe step the fuck off. You're no Jordan. I'm just saying that's a long Christian tradition of just saying like, boy, I'll tell you what I used to do. Y'all are lucky. Like two people are about to get in a fight and Jesus is the one. Don't hold me back, Jesus. Hold me back.

How old were you when you started pastoring youth? Oh, uh, official. Well, unofficially. I mean, I, I, I, I graduated high school and immediately was like, hey, you guys need somebody. Like, I wasn't the leader, but I was, I was playing guitar and, like, leading worship and stuff. Right. And I wasn't good, but I was better than nothing.

So they just let me do that. And then I went through, you know, like the two-year version of, you know, Bible school that, you know, the vineyard has, which is, you know, seminary. Is that what that's called? Yeah, Bob Dylan's weird Christian period. He went to the vineyard during that time. So that's the, that's the, like, denominators. that I'm from.

Well, if you're going to go to one, that's pretty cool. It was pretty good, yeah. They started out founded by a former producer for the righteous brothers. God damn. All right. It was pretty wild. Well, you know, like the 60s and 70s was a really good, like, intro to the Jesus movement.

Yeah, for sure. So if you were a hippie and you wanted to not be a materialist, but then being a hippie, like that actually wasn't fulfilling. You're like, oh, we're just as selfish. and, you know, self-centered as anybody else. Right. Then you were still left looking for something. Then a lot of people went, like, looking for Jesus after that.

Yeah, that's kind of unique. I've thought that about the 70s because, like, nowadays, I guess hippie kind of spanned hipster and like that, that's always been like someone on the fringe of culture that's going, hey, the status quo is bullshit, man. Right. But, like, nowadays, those type of people, religion is the furthest thing from something that they would want to be involved in. then. But back then, you had your hippies and you had, was it Norman Greenbaum that sang

a spirit in the sky? Well, he was singing sarcastically. Well, sure, sure. He absolutely would, but it was taken very seriously. And I feel like Jesus was part of the, it was part of the hippie culture, which is, it's kind of weird to think. I mean, honestly, though, I mean, it doesn't, it's not too contradictory. But he's countercultural and saying, like, leave your possessions behind. None of this matters, you know. My kingdom is not of this world. And yeah, yeah, if you're disillusioned with the world, then you're like, yeah, Jesus has a lot of stuff that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, man, if you just actually follow what that dude says, it's pretty good. But then on the opposite end of that, the people who hated the hippies also huge fans of Jesus. They think they are anyway.

They think, right, right. They're fans of the, of his early work, I think. Well, even I mean, when I, like, read the gospels now, I'm just like, I don't really disagree. I don't really agree with some of the stuff, Jesus says. Right, right, right. Like, like, the thing about, like, if you've hated someone in your heart, then it's the same as committing murder. I'm like, no, it's not. Yeah, come on, Jesus. That's a little too woke. Yeah. You're just like, I'm friends now with people I used to hate, but we didn't kill each other.

Well, my dog is barking. I'll edit this out. I've got to say what the fuck's going on. That's fine. What are you barking at? What? Let me open the door and you know, no one's here? No one's here.

No one. You're good. He commonly interrupts my intros all the time on my other. the podcast. So what are we talking about? I'm going to edit this part. Jesus fan. Things that you now like disagree, things I disagree with now. Because like when you, when you grow up like in the church, my parents became born again Christians six months after I was born. Fuck that. You could have had such a great childhood. I had, well, I don't know. We lived in rural Florida. I don't know how. Rural Florida is a great place to sin. I don't know if you know that.

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know. I don't know. I had a lot of friends who got pregnant real early and then did all the meth and you know um so i'm glad we got into gainsville uh shortly i mean you know a little bit bigger town but for sure um home of tompetti correct yes yeah and he got out of there as soon as he could yeah it was not as cool back then right as it is now but um yeah no so florida of course is like that like the bastard child of the north and the south that neither of them want credit for yeah it's not really either one of them but we um tim wilson will and always said once you get past Gainesville, you're back in Michigan.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's true. I mean, there's a lot of truth to that. But yeah, there's, there's no commonality between the panhandle of Florida and then, you know, South Florida at all. They, you know, it's weird. But anyway, so yeah, when I was six months old, they became born again Christians. And like my dad got saved, you know, by reading the book of Revelation. because some well-intentioned church had put an ad out in the paper saying that Jesus was coming back on like April something, 1981. Yeah. And he was like, that's probably not true. But what if it were?

Like, it's just like, would I, would I be right with God? No. I'm pretty sure I would not be. I mean, at the time he was. Yeah, you shouldn't treat religion like a best buy date on some cereal. No, but he was a petty thief. Sure. the time for Marita bread.

He drove a Marita bread truck. Okay. And this is before barcodes. So they would take a rack of bread, run it through the front of the grocery store, run it out the side door, and sell the same rack of bread at the front door. And if a grocery chain was disorganized, they wouldn't catch it. Okay. And the bread truck driver would just pocket the money.

Sure. It was just cash, you know. And so you had bread truck drivers who were making $1,000 a week in 1980. That's a shit ton of money. Yeah. They were driving very nice cars. In Florida, that's, you're going to die money. Yeah.

So my dad was just like, well, I mean, as he puts it, he's like, I was an honest thief. I just stole enough to break even. Right, right. Yeah, and he was stealing from the man. Yeah, yeah. He was just like, yeah, I don't care. Was that in his confessional brag back in the day? I'll tell you what.

He never really was. I got more pussy and stole more bread than anybody. Oh, no. It wasn't like that. He was kind of kidnapped by my mom. He wasn't a bad boy. Yeah, no, she, they were, she was engaged in his best friend when they met. And then she proposed to him like three times.

And the third time, he was like, no one's ever wanted me this much before. I'm just going to, he was 19. He was just like, I'm going to jump on this. So they got married. And, you know, a couple of years later, they, you know, my dad sees this ad in the paper and is like, he asks my mom. He's like, I don't know. I try not to think about this. Yeah, come on.

And he was like, I don't know. No. And so he went and found the Bible in the house. And he was like, I don't have time to read the whole thing. I'm just going to skip to the end. Sure. So he goes straight to revelation. The worst part. Can't make heads or tales of it. Right. The only thing he knows is that he's like, well, the good people, you know, go to heaven. You know, people who are right with Jesus go to heaven. And the bad people are stuck on earth and get stung by scorpions or something like that, you know, wind up in hell. And he was, it struck enough of a nerve with him that he was like, he was like, Cindy, we got to pray. We got to repent of our sins. And well, I mean, coming from somebody that's read Revelation, if you take that at face value, it will scare the fuck out of you. Yeah. Yeah. And it's fair.

Has there been a movie about Revelation yet? Because there's been. Yes. Has there, what it was? Well, it was. Well, it was. There was a series. No, no, no.

But like in the 80s, there was like some little Christian production company that made these, I think one was called a thief in the night. Yeah. That was about the rapture. And then there was one called, I think, a distant thunder. That one had like a guillotine in it. It was like the. it was when the Antichrist takes over the world and they're chopping Christians' heads off and things like that.

It was pretty intense for people. Well, that's the problem. It was a Christian production. Yes. Those are not usually good. Yeah. I need like, who would be, who would be a good, Tarantino would do a good. Del Toro, Guillermo, Del Toro.

That's actually phenomenal because he does a lot of big budget shit. Very surreal. Yeah, yeah. He did fish. is it the fish fucking movie? Shape of water. Have you seen it? No.

Yeah, me either. No. Yeah, it's probably going to stay that way. I heard it's good. I hear it's very good. I just, my friends tell me all the time. They're like, you got to see this. I'm like, I'm a grown man with a job.

I can't see every. Well, no, that's a hundred percent. So, I don't know. So you're talking about you. This is your origin story of why you became a youth pastor. How long did you pass the youth? What's the word pastoring? Yeah.

Well, let me, I feel like I should explain why, I mean. Oh, no. Keep going. Keep going. Everybody who grows up in church is disillusioned to a certain degree. You know, so by the time I was like 12 or 13, I was like, you know, I know my parents believe this, but I don't know if I do. You know, I'm just kind of stuck.

You know, they were always very involved in church and my mom was always on the worship team. My dad did, you know, something, whether it was parking lot attendant or teaching kids and We're so similar. Yeah. So I was like, you know, I just want to, I heard you'd always hear these people give their testimonies and be like, don't do what I did, kid, don't do it. I'm like, it sounded really fun. I don't know, you know.

Yeah. So I was at this youth camp when I was 13. It was our first year at the vineyard. And they were having this, you know, altar call where a bunch of kids were, you know, coming down to the front. And I was like, I've been, you know, a. a Christian since I was three. I mean, I don't remember my conversion experience, but I went off by myself.

Like I left the room. I went out. It was completely alone. It's at night. You know, the woods are like right nearby. And I was like, I'm going to, I really kind of hope there is no God. So I can do whatever I want. Yeah, we're going to give him a chance.

And so I was like, God, if you're out there, this is your chance to let me know. This is your garden of gasemini moment. Yeah. For those that know. Lord, take this cup from me for my hormones are raging. It's like I really want to go. If you say nothing, I'm hitting on that girl immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, and I heard a voice in my head say, I am real and I'm telling you this now so you don't get into all the trouble that you want to. Oh, bummer. Yeah. Yeah, that was how I felt. I was like, I would have just been like, that was the devil. that way. He's trying to trick me. And so this is why I kind of push back on the like, okay, you're all brainwashed, you know,

kind of thing because I'm like, no, I had experiences that I can't explain away. And I don't, like, I don't think that any holy book holds up under scrutiny. If you're like, this is the literal truth from God. But I don't think that it's a load of horseshit either. No, yeah, I agree. You know, like, I, um, so like, and a few, so a few years go by and, and, um, like I was 17 years old. I'm at this like church conference now that, uh, I just graduated high school.

And we're at this like super weird. Like there are 3,000 people. I mean, this is, you know, Pentecostal is, as I'll get out. And during the, during the worship service, there are 3,000 people in this big church in Jacksonville. I forget what it's called. But, um, several people in the room have these, uh, showfars. Do you know what a shofar is?

I don't know what a chauffeur is. Is this a Christian chauffeur? No, no, not at all. And this is the one you're supposed to blow. So you, it's a ram's horn. No, I do know what that is. That was, yes. Yeah, it's like that.

So there's some, there's some interesting Christians who really wish we were still in the Old Testament. Oh, dude. Yeah, they get really into that. And so Pentecostal for those that don't know, that is a lot of times snake handling. It can be. Very rarely. Very rare. Okay.

The snake handlers are, yeah. Yeah. The snake handlers make the Pentecostals feel normal. Right. The Pentecostals go like, we're not crazy. We're not like that. All right, everybody, blow your rancorn. Now speak in tongues. Or you're not really saved. Speaking in tongues. That's what it is. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. So there's some people, they've got flags that they're whipping around. And like, there's this lady next to me who's got her eyes closed. And she's waving her flag around without any regard for who's around her. And so I'm having a duck every once in a while. The guy behind me has got a show far. and is just blowing it randomly. That's insane. It's weird what makes you feel cool. Yeah. When you're in that certain life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a chauffeur and I can blow it correctly. Yeah. So, like, the church that, like, I'm still attached to now is like we all have like evangelical slash Pentecostal PTSD. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And we all laugh about, you know, how, you know, nuts our upbringings were. But for the most part, we are. people who just we still have some attachment to this where we're like not there was something good

in that there was something good in that there was something real there and i don't want to lose that in my cynical old age just because i have seen all the damage yeah religion can do yeah for sure up close so anyway we're at this we're at this thing and uh they to the the organizers credit they saw they're like all the teenagers here having a horrible time like they hate this. Yeah. So they were like, let's throw it together a special service for them and get them out of here because they had an overflow room. Does anyone have an electric chauffeur that we can borrow? Well, that'll connect with them. Yeah. So they, I don't know. So anyway, long story short, they have this speaker come in and he tells us that we're going to feel the wind of the Holy Spirit in that room. And I'm like, well, this ought to be good. Yeah. Like, how are you going to conjure this up? Yeah. So he goes, he goes, now, everybody raise your hands and when you feel the window with your eyes closed you're going to feel the wind of the holy spirit and i'm looking up and there's like air conditioning ducts and things like that

i'm like this is such bullshit i can't believe you know we're doing this and uh he says now close your eyes here it comes and of course like i don't really feel anything and then he he walks but i hear people like sitting down around me because he said you know sit down when you feel it and mark which finger you felt it on oh boy and i'm like okay sure and nothing's going to happen nothing ever happened to me like I never like um like I almost never like spoken tongues it always felt really weird to me I never fell down or anything I never you know um was slain in the spirit as I would watch people who I did not think were crazy called the holy gas yeah yeah yeah I would watch it happen to them but it never happened to me right

and I'm just like well this is going to be part of the course like everyone in the room I'm just an unfeeling us Yeah, I was just like, I don't know, maybe I'm just, you know, my nerve endings are burnt off or something to this. So, so yeah, he does this a couple of times and he's walking it back and he's just like, you know, now it may not be the wind necessarily. Right. Maybe just like one of your fingers will feel funny or something, but, you know, I'm like, come on, man. So there's some guy in the back having a literal heart attack. His left hand's numb.

He's like, it's Jesus. Yeah. So they, there's like, there's a few hundred of us kids in there. And by the time he's done, like, doing this thing, I'm one of only five kids left standing, insisting that we have felt nothing. Yeah. Everybody else either has or claims to have felt something. And then he goes, okay, you five come up forward.

I'm going to pray for each one of you individually. Jesus Christ. So a little bit of pressure. And I'm just, but at the same time, I'm just like, hey, this is paying off. You know, this guy's a big deal. Right. I didn't fake it. Right.

I'm being rewarded. Maybe this is a test. Yeah. Yeah. So then, again, my cynicism comes back. immediately because the other four were girls and he

prays for the first two girls and each of them like collapse on the floor crying. Yeah. Because you know, they're teenage girls. Daddy issues. Well, no, he goes uh, uh, he goes like, I just, I want to break the spirit of rejection over you.

And like, what I used to say to teenage girls. Yeah. That's a good move. Well, it's like, what teenager doesn't feel rejected? Yeah. You know? So I'm like, well, yeah, I mean, especially girls, you know, in that, in that weird competitive environment. And so I'm like, well, he's probably going to bind the spirit of lust in me, you know, if I, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm a teenage boy. Come on. So he comes up to me and he goes, he just looks up at me. He goes, son, you got a spirit of fear in you. Oh, shit. And something like, something, I don't know, like, I felt something because I was like, I didn't learn to swim until I was nine because I was terrified of the water. I didn't learn to ride a bike for a long time.

I was like just I was like a genuinely fearful kid and you grew up in Florida I know it's terrified I know around gators and shit I mean like I wet the bed till I was 12 I was really yeah all right piss brothers god damn it's Jesus I always knew it I knew it yes I mean like I was always afraid it was like what if I get married and I'm still doing this like I was afraid to go on sleepovers and things and and anyway I don't remember anything else he said but at the end he goes do you still not feel anything? And I said, no, I really don't. He goes, well, that's all right. You can go back to your chair. In front of everybody? Yeah, well, real quiet. But like, because everybody else is just waiting for us to be done. He didn't have a microphone or anything. Right. This is just me and him. He goes,

that's okay. You can go back to your chair. I'm like, well, that was cool and not dramatic at all. Yeah. Well, as soon as I turned around, my ring finger started to throb like I'd hit it with something. And I was like, okay. Like, this is the first, like, physical... Did you go back and go... Excuse me. Oh, yes. You're going to need to address this, sir.

What did you... You seem to have put something on my finger. I think it was when you sucked on it. I don't know. I thought it was weird, but anyway... No, but I, like, I really did feel something. I was like, I guess he'll explain what this means later. And then he did this thing that was very unbiblical.

You know, not. I've never heard any other pastor do this, but he talks about this verse in Ephesians where he goes, now, some are supposed to be apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers. And he said, whatever finger you felt like that was supposed to be your gift. That was in Ephesians? That's in Ephesians. Huh. There's a couple other things.

I don't remember that one. Go ahead. There are a few places where Paul supposedly lays out, you know, here are the gifts and here are, you know, or here are the offices of the church. And so the whole time I'm thinking, as long as it's not pastor, I'm fine. Yeah. I'd be anything else. Because, you know, growing up in church and you'd watch like all the pressure that's put on pastors to be perfect and and their kids. Oh, yeah.

You think about how hard it is to be a pastor's kid. Oh, horrible. You're, you know, there's all this pressure on you. And then it's like, people just leave all your church, your church all the time. Yeah. Like you have to stay. Yeah. Until you're, until you're grown up.

Meanwhile, you're constantly being abandoned. And your friends are leaving. Yeah. And they're cussing your dad out. Yeah. Probably on the way out of the door. 100%. I mean, I left a church where the pastor's kids were friends of mine.

And it was shitty. It still is shitty. Yeah. We talk now, but it was like really, and I didn't realize what was going on then, but I was like, why can't we still be, well, this is kind of a big deal. Yeah. You know. Yeah. It's, yeah.

It's hard to leave a church well. Yeah, yeah. There's no good way. And because, you know, this is the place where. I mean, we're talking about heaven and hell, life and death. I mean, there are no higher stakes than the spiritual world to true believers. No, there's not. So that means that, you know, friendships, I mean, my friendships now, like outside the church are just like, well, I'll see you when I see you.

Sure. You know, but in, I don't know, like there's. We had to make an appointment to see each other. Yeah. And that's how it is. Yeah. I'm going to start. I'm not even recording.

I just wanted to hang out with you. That's what this is. I know I can get people to come to a podcast. I couldn't just say, hey, come over and have a cup of coffee. Yeah. Do you know how big this could be for my career? Yeah. Dude.

No one's going to listen to. No one. No, for sure. Trey's not on this. No. Yeah. I know how it goes. But yeah, I just, it was very strange.

As soon as that happened, though, and I'd never wanted to be a pastor. Immediately, I felt like my, you know, my heart or my mind completely changed. change and suddenly I wanted to do it. Yeah. And it's, it's, it's just very weird. So literal divine intervention.

That's what if, certainly. Yeah. Yeah. Certainly. And so I, like I came back from that experience, you know,

changed at least in the direction of my life. I mean, I was the same person. Sure. I've always, you know, loved very inappropriate jokes and, you know,

been very, you know, down to earth. But I was under no illusion that I was like, the cool. Christian or anything. My parents homeschooled me a whole bunch. They let me skip

grades and then they dropped me back into school two years younger than everybody else. Wow. So that's called enforced virginity because no girl wants to date the guy in her class who's two years younger. No. Of course not. Yeah.

So it was pretty easy for me not to get in trouble. How old are you? I'm 37 now. Okay. That's weird because you both You seem both older and younger. Yeah, I can see that. You don't look 37 at all. You look younger, in my opinion. But you act like a 40-something year-old.

Yeah, so I don't know. I don't know what's going on with you. Yeah, your parents really did a number on you, buddy. In a good way, I like you. You're good guy. Thanks. But yeah. But that's fucking insane.

Yeah, it's weird. I don't think they would repeat it. But so much of like... Much like you did class. Hey. Hey. Hey. It's still comedy.

What happens? happens in first grade. I don't know. I didn't have to take it. Maybe that's when they teach you science. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so much of the way I am has to do with the year I was born. Because like, I hit puberty when the true love weights movement started. Okay. You know, when all these Christians who were like, let's not let our kids. And it was also like right after AIDS and everything. So like parents were terrified for their children. Yeah. Not just for religious reasons, but because, like, you know, it seemed like, boy, God is really coming down on sexual sin. Yeah. It's a bad time.

Generial diseases and stuff. Right. So, um, so I was one of those kids who like signed the I will stay a virgin until I'm married. Uh-huh. Even if that's, you know, when I'm 50. Yeah. We had that too and I also signed it.

Yeah. Was there part of you that when you were signed that you were like, yeah, well? No, no. I was, I was deadly serious. Okay. I'm very, I was very romantic and I was like, I just want to, um, in addition to the true love weights movement, I also blame the film say anything. So, um, because that, you know, you give me an unrealistic idea of like what really, yeah, yeah, boom box over there.

Super codependent relationship. Yeah. You know, and, uh, so that's, let's not blame everything on religion. That's all I'm saying, you know. Sure, sure. Yeah, that's actually an interesting way to say that, because I might name this episode of that. Don't blame. Let's not blame everything on religion. Let's hold John Cusack accountable as well. Account for his goddamn sins. Yeah. Cameron Crow. Jeez. Oh, that's funny. Um, but yeah. So if I, like, if I'd been born 10 years earlier, like, there was no like anti-dating movement. I mean, remember that book I Kiss Dating Goodbye? Uh, that, that sounds familiar, but not. It came out in the late 90s and it ruined many people's lives. Like the guy, Joshua Harris, the guy who wrote it,

has like apologized for it now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was like, like I was 21 and they gave me a book deal. I mean, what do you want from me? I was an idiot. Yeah, I'll probably end up having to apologize for mine at some point. I'm sorry. When, oh yeah, 30 years from now, when you're the conservative California. Yeah, when I'm Dennis Miller it. Yeah. When I flip. No, I mean, also like where you're at probably will be considered conservative in 30 years. That's actually true. I thought about that a lot. It's like what, what is it? I look back on this because I'm sure there's a lot of back in the day, those, hippies, some of their ideas now that they held, it's like, that's pretty conservative now.

So one day I'm going to be like, I wasn't all that bad. Sure. I mean, yeah, I mean, like my supportive factory farming is probably what's going to age the worst. You know, 100 years from now, they're going to be like, can you believe that Donnie Marsh? Do you know how big his carbon footprint was? I mean, the man ate like 12 pounds of meat a week. Yeah. Easily.

Yeah, you and me both, you know. And I'm just like, well, it was high in protein. and they said it was good. That's what I always say now is that. I got this joke about how I still eat Chick-fil-A, even though, you know, I know what they've done. And the joke is I'm a southern man who on a weekly basis takes up for women and gay men. I need all the goddamn protein I can get.

I just leave me my chicken. I voted for a woman for Christ's sake. Can I not have my chicken? Yeah. I'm going to cut that out, too. So you're. where were we at? Again, I'm editing around.

So when things, so I became, so I became a, like, I was like a volunteer assistant, youth leader through my early. Open Micah. Yeah. Which I will say, like, that was, do, I mean, being a youth pastor was such good preparation for doing comedy. Yeah, I'm sure. Because you are competing actively with some 16 year old boy who's only goal is to make

everyone laugh. Yeah. And he wants to so much. so much worse than you want to. You mean in the crowd? Yeah, in the crowd. I mean, like, so I was, I mean, I was frequently like the cut up in the back, you know, and like, because I'm just trying to impress girls the whole time.

Sure. And, and so like that's, as a youth pastor, that's your competition. That kid, I mean, he's just riffing the whole time, you know, just like, so you've got to be funnier than him. Sure. And so if I can make the book of Titus interesting for 20 to 30 minutes to a group of 15 year olds. It's like now I'm only doing five and I get to make sex jokes. Yeah. Like that's a cheat code. It's so much easier. So like I'm not, I'm not saying I'm better at writing jokes because

of it, but I am I am better at commanding attention right off the bat. Oh, there's no doubt. Because I know how to like get everybody to look up here, you know, because, um, this is actually the next thing I want to talk about you to just segue it into it perfectly. And also I feel rude. I didn't ask you if you wanted to, do you want a sparkling water or a bottle of water or something? Actually, a bottle of water. Yeah, yeah. I'm such an asshole. No, you. you're cool. You asked me if I wanted coffee. You can... And only coffee.

You can probably tell I've had quite a bit already. I get free Starbucks. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I clean their windows. So I barter. That's funny. So we were discussing before the break. This is where I'll put an ad.

We were discussing. We were discussing before the break. For New View window cleaning? I can do that. Oh, yeah, New View window cleaning. Go ahead. Do your ad. Okay, all right. Listen, no one is happier than me about the pollen that is falling right now.

And while the rest of you are upset, the trees are trying to have sex with your face, I am looking at the yellow pine pollen that's coming all over your house. And I just want to wash it off. So call Newview window cleaning. And, you know, Father's Day is coming up. And it's hard to know what to get for your dad. Well, I will pressure wash your dad and leave him clean and alert for the first time in years. It'll give you something to talk about.

Anyway, that's New View Window Cleaning. Check us out on Facebook. Much like your sins. Wash your pollen away with Donnie Marsh. It's a soft wash. It's bleach. Sure. It hurts, but it's good for you.

So we were talking about your transit, how commanding a group of youth Christians helped you in stand up. Yeah, definitely, definitely. I remember one time. time when I was like 15, our youth pastor let me like give the sermon, which I, no one remembers what I talked about, but I do remember that all of my friends that I was usually joking around with, you know, while he was talking. Yeah. They were cutting up while I was talking. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is why he let me do this. Yeah. I glanced over at him as I'm like struggling to, he's just laughing at him. Oh, yeah, he was like, yeah, you like this, you little dips shit. Yeah,

this is what it's like. I was like, oh, I feel bad. No shit. Yeah. So, um,

which is a genius move. I mean, like let the rowdy kid teach. Yeah. You know, and it's like, there. See how it feels?

Say, hey, you like it, fucker. Yeah. Really. So, um,

so let's see my, so by the time I was like, see, in my mid-20s, I was also in, like, in a band for like three years. And that helped a lot.

because, you know, you're, again, you're trying to get people's attention on stage. Sure. We would do silly things in between. Like, I would basically do stand-up in between songs sometimes. And, you know, while, you know, the other guy is tuning or something, I'd just try to think of something funny to say. But I grew up a really big fan of comedy. And, like, my dad used to reenact Steve Martin and Andy Kaufman bits for me when I was, like, eight years old. and crack me up.

And... The auto parts provides more than just the right parts for your repair. Our professional parts people can also offer free check engine light diagnosis. We can scan your vehicle and provide a list of possible fixes. Find the right parts for you or recommend a great local repair shop. Don't ignore your check engine light. Stop by your local O'Reilly Auto Parts. I don't know. Let me jump ahead.

Considering you, I wanted to ask you about this particular guy what we're talking about. Do you remember Mark Lowry? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. This is so exciting. So me and Ryan Darling talk about Mark Lowry all the time because Ryan also kind of came up a little, you know, churchy. Yes. I sincerely consider Mark Lowry one of the funniest people on the planet.

And I'm so far removed from religion now. It's ridiculous. But I can still watch a shit. For those of you don't know, Mark Lowry is a comedian who was on the Gaither. Was it called the Gaither Hour? or the Gaither's or... He was part of the Gaither vocal group. He's actually a really good singer too.

And writer, he wrote, Mary Did You Know? Right. And so Mark Lowry still loves going to his mailbox once every three months and getting a check. Because he wrote that song and it is at Christmas time, you can't not hear it. Yeah. It's insane. But I said that, I've said before and some people don't believe me at all, but I want to get your opinion on it. I said, if Mark Lowry, instead, if he had done what some people, what people of the fall would refer to as secular,

comedy. If he had just grown up and moved to New York and decided to do comedy the regular way, I think he would have been huge, especially at the time, because he would have been doing it during the boom. Yeah. I think he would have been Brian Regan. Yeah. No, I agree. He's, I mean, if you can be that funny while just kind of working within that particular area, that category, I mean, if you gave him everything else to work with. Because that's the deal. He wasn't just a clean comedian, he was a Christian comedian. And the difference between that is, like, Brian Regan, clean comedian, he doesn't cuss.

He doesn't really talk about sex. Mark Lowry, Christian comedian, ultra clean. Ultra clean, and not only that, specifically, every bit was almost about church. There was some that weren't, but they were very specific to church. And he had fucking

hours of it. It was insane. It used to murder me as a child. It still does. I can watch it and still laugh. You know how you have, like, dark foxworthy? I think like dirty Mark Lowry. Yeah. You imagine if Jonah did cocaine? Yeah.

You can do that. You've got more knowledge of the Bible than I do. I used to have a lot, but you really, man, well, you really went overboard with it. Well, it's a good book, Corey. It is a good book. You should read it sometime. It is a good book. I read it when I was a kid.

I went, go back, I know. But no, I thought Mark Lauer was great. So was he somebody that you looked at and maybe tried to emulate? Not at all. How could you? No, no, no, I think, I didn't really try to emulate him. I mean, we thought of him as, like, Christian Weird Al, because he had that, he actually had a spoof CD of, like, all these big Christian hits of the 90s. She caught me in the balcony.

I remember that one. It was his mom catching him. She spotted me in the balcony. There was something about his mom catching him. She was playing piano at church, and he was trying to escape from church. Oh, yeah. And that was one of his songs. Yeah, he was, yeah, he did, he spoofed songs by like Michael W. Smith and, you know, stuff like that.

So, but I didn't really know, I had one album by him. I can't remember, I can't remember what it was called, but I just, I didn't get much of him. Like, I was spending more time listening to, like, Steve Martin on vinyl. Sure, sure, sure. And old Bill Cosby and stuff. Bless you. Pardon me. So, I mean, I just, he just didn't get as many repeats in my, you know, collection.

So the, and this whole, I mean, this whole time my whole life, I was obsessed with comedy. I mean, I know the Dewey Decimal System, like, where to look. It's like 8-11 is where the humor section starts. 741.5 is where Calvin and Hobbs and the far side are. Are you being serious for me? I'm being dead serious. That's amazing. Yeah.

I'd go straight to 741.5 and hope that there was a new Calvin and Hobbs book. out. That's fucking nuts. It would be difficult to overstate how big of an influence the far side was on my sense of humor. Yeah, I appreciate it. I appreciate it more than I was an adult without a dad. I remember seeing it when I was a kid, but I wasn't like

you're kind of making me feel shitty. I wish I was more of a nerd now. So when you said you listen to Steve Martin and your dad would do impressions of Steve Martin, who was and still is maybe your guy? Everyone has kind of like their guy. Yeah. my guy is probably

Or girl, or girl. No, no, I was going to say my guy is probably Maria Bamford. Okay, that's Drew's favorite comedian. Really? Yeah. Okay. Because of the way that she, like, makes mental illness relatable. Like, I'm not bipolar, but it runs in my family.

Sure. And the way that she's just so humble and down to earth about it. I think that the bit that she does about, you know, anytime she would get into a new relationship, she would have to have a talk with them and say, you know, every once in a while, like, I have to go off to doggie daycare and spend some time in the cage. And, you know, just, just here's a warning. And here's some of the warning signs, you know, like if I need to speak to a moral authority, like if I try to get the Pope on the phone, that's, you know, that's when to call somebody. I saw her, this is before I started doing stand up. It was the year before.

I saw her in Birmingham and. Stardom. Uh, no. No, no, it was some other, some other place. It was, it was a big bar. Um, it definitely was not Star Dome. It's called Brick City or something. Or Iron City. Iron City. That was it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been there. She was at Iron City and I stood in line to say hi to her. And unfortunately, by this time, I'd had, uh, I think four double Jamison's. Oh boy. Because, uh, uh, you know, the show is long. And so I, I, I, I, I, And you grew up in the church. Sure. You know, so I'm, so I'm standing in line and everything. And I'm just so excited to see her. And I'm like twice her size.

So she, it's finally my turn to shake her hand. And she goes in for a handshake and I go in for a hug. Oh boy. And I'll never forget the sound she made as I, as she realized she was about to get involuntarily hugged. She just goes, oh. How late? Did you hug her?

I did. So I hug her. And she's just like, oh. as a huger. And I'm just like, listen. It's like, it's great to see you. And like her eyes are so big. Like, I think for a split second, she thought she was about to get John Lennon.

And she was like, oh, and here's how it ends. So I have a picture with her on my old phone where like, my eyes are kind of hooded. And I'm like, hi. And yeah. Yeah. And she's just like, okay. All right. This will be over soon.

And I messaged her on Facebook right after that. Oh, this will make it matter. Yeah. No, I was after I was so. I was like, hey, I'm real sorry about that. It's just that you really mean a lot to me, you know, because like of your relationship with your mother and stuff, I was like, you, you make some really difficult issues for me very relatable.

And like, it's actually been good for my relationship with my family. Yeah. Like some of your stand up. And so I'm sorry. I hugged you when you just wanted a handshake. And she messaged me back and she was like, no problem. hugs forever. Like that was it.

And I was like, I'm dropping that. I'm not going to try to squeeze anything else out of it. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

Leave her alone. I was like, I'm no when to leave. Yep. I think she's probably the best I've ever seen that can shift between her. Honestly, I don't even know what her real voice is. Because there's part of me that when she's up there talking normal,

like is this put on? Because she's so good at going from one voice to the other. She can be do a bit where she does four voices and it's so seamlessly. like the only thing I've seen similar is like Justin Roylin on Rick and Morty I've heard that he can he does Rick and like when he's doing his lines for Rick and Morty a lot of times they're not separate he just does them back and forth in a conversation oh wow but I feel like she could do something like that and she's she's god damn it dude I don't even know how to if I was having to explain her to

somebody what she like I don't I don't know there's stand-up comics then there's like weird out that's kind of different and then there's like Maria she's fucking bizarre. Yeah. And I think that's what I envy about her is you can, um, you can say that so many people are like this other person, but the people who I'm like, I don't know who they're like, like, like Rory Scoville. Right.

Um, he's probably, him and Maria are probably the two most similar that I can think of. Yeah. But he is, I mean, I don't know how much Rory does is just off the cuff. It seems like a lot. Yeah. Um, Maria's is more pre. written. Yeah. And she's got a few, she's got a few, like, you know, she'll do a little bit of crowd work or like acknowledge things that are happening in the crowd. But when I saw her,

she did like pretty much strictly material. Right. And, you know, Rory Scoval does. I call him Rory like I met him. Yeah. But he is, I mean, he's just magical. I don't know how to do what he does. I can, I look at John Mullaney. I'm like, maybe on my best day. many years from now, I could maybe scratch that. Because I can see how he does what he does. Yeah, I'm trying to do what he does. I'm not even trying to do what Rory does. Yeah, Delaney came and did our show like two weeks ago.

And it was him and Kroll. And they ran their, they did that. Did you see the IFC Spirit Awards? Yeah. So that monologue, oh fuck. That monologue that they did, you have to, and I never thought about this, but like just like any other set, you got to. practice that.

So they showed up and said, hey, do you mind if we were going to try to run our IFC Spirit set monologue? We're like, fucking do whatever y'all want. You close the show. So I go up there and do 30 or whatever, and then I've got to bring up Millennia and crawl. And so they get out there and they just straight up tell the audience, hey, this is what we're doing.

So we're pretending y'all are the audience for the IFC Spirit Award. So if we point at you and say, Merrill Street, just shut the fuck up and go with it. And the audience was like, fuck, yeah, this is going to be great. and they straight up murdered for like, I guess there was 11, 12 minutes set. And it was phenomenal. But yeah, I know what you mean. What Malaney does is him and Trey are very similar in terms of,

I feel like every word that came out of his mouth was exactly how he put it down on paper. Yes. It's just fine. It has to be. Like, it's so well crafted. But Rory, you could hear him do the same set the next night. And it's the same jokes, but like there's going to be some variance there. Yeah.

But I've been doing it long enough to think that like all that stuff. stuff that Rory does that seems off the cuff. I believe that at one point it was off the cuff. Yes. And then he's so good that he can make it seem off the cuff again, but he knows all the moves. Yeah. Well, like, I mean, like what Dale Jones does. Yeah.

I just, when I hosted for him last year and I got to do two shows in a row, I saw him do all the same ad libs for the most part, but they were in a different order. Right. Because he would just wait for the thing to happen in the audience that triggered that. Yeah. So I was like, oh, wow. Oh, thank God. That makes it way more attainable. You know, if you can do that.

Yeah, he's got like 70 of those little one-liners in his head. Yep. And he's going to use all 70, but it might be in reverse order. Yeah. Yeah, I saw it. When we saw another night, that was one of the best shows I've ever seen. It was just fucking absolutely phenomenal. And it was 80% new from the previous year.

Which is insane. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, Louis kind of spoiled us with the whole throw out your hour. Yeah. Well, it'll be a while before he does that again. Yeah. I believe he's probably thrown out an hour. Yeah.

Well, I can't do any of those jokes. That was my favorite thing about the Louis, the whole sexual misconduct thing. I was like, oh, thank God, now we don't have to do an hour a year anymore. We can go, well, that guy did it, but he's done some very shitty things. Do you remember the famous episode that he did on WTF with Marin? I never heard it. Okay.

I've heard about it, kind of. So he references his compulsive behavior. And that's clearly what he was talking about. From like, he said he saw a psychiatrist in like 2005, 2006. And he was like, I can see how if I went through all my old issues, there would just be no end to this. So he's like, I just asked the shrink, like, can you just give me some advice? Give me something that'll help.

And so the shrink was like, well, you know, your compulsive behavior and everything. Like that comes from anxiety. Right. And that really struck a nerve with me because I used to think that I didn't have anxiety because I don't have panic attacks. I don't have big freakouts. I don't raise my voice. But like when I was 13, my hair fell out because I was having a really stressful year. Like I had a big clump fall out.

And then sometimes I'll get hives, you know, or I mean, so my, it'll come out through my body. Yeah. It won't come out through my voice or like I won't even know that I'm that. stressed until I see something happening, you know, with my skin. Right. That's insane. So, and I also, holding it in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Subconsciously. Yeah. Well, and also for me, like, I don't, like, I never, like, jerked off in front of people or anything like that, but I, I, I would notice, like, I always watched more porn before an exam. Uh-huh. Before, like, before something I was really stressed out about, I would need that, like,

weird escape more than, you know, just, random times, which, you know, if you grow up in the church, they're like, well, that's lust. And I'm like, oh, actually, no, it's anxiety. That's so bizarre that you say that, because that's starting to make a lot of me make sense now, and I'm terrified. Because, like, there'd be so many times. I always thought it was procrastination, which I've heard the term was procrastinating. Yeah, yeah. But, like, some, some big deal was to be about to happen. And I was like, I got to go to the bathroom and jerk off. I don't give a shit where I'm at. But like, yeah, it's all that is. Yep. I got to do something. And then after that, you're like, okay, let's do this. Well, or, I mean, in my case,

Like, I would just feel stupid. I'd be like, well, that didn't do anything. I might as well face the problem. Right, right, right, right. It's like, because, like, that wasn't my best moment in there. Yeah, it only gets better for you. That wasn't my proudest hour, you know. So we talked about your favorite comic.

Mm-hmm. What is your favorite bit of all time? Is it also by Maria? Oh, my favorite. bit. It's very hard to narrow down, but the first thing it popped in my head was the Dana Gould bit where he goes, people say you can't tell rape jokes. Here are two.

That setup's great. Yeah. He could have not even told the two rape jokes. Immediately. Yeah. And he goes, he's like, any whistle can be a rape whistle, except for a slide whistle. It was like, boop. Oh, my God.

Someone's raping a clown. He goes, you ever try to rape a clown? And then you follow him back to his car. And then you have to rape 40 clowns. Oh, that's fucking phenomenal. Yeah, sorry. That's the first one that popped into my head. I wish it could be something classier.

No, I wouldn't agree. That's the, or like Pete Holmes' second Conan set about magic. Oh, yeah. That may be my favorite set of ever seen on Conan that Rory Scoble was not involved in. That joke you just, the dangold joke, you just called him. That's been one of my favorite David Tell jokes. I think I'm about to butcher it, but I'll get it enough right to where it's funny. He said something.

The setup, I can't remember. He goes, you know, it made me sad and happy at the same time. It was bittersweet, you know, like tit fucking a clown. That always crack me up. He is very clown and midget dependent. All the time. It's insane. Because he's so fucking really, really pro-insane funny and one of the best to ever do it.

He has so many midget and clown jokes. Here's a joke of his, I don't know how he wrote. He goes, I hate to travel. I guess it's because when I was a kid, my father used to beat me with a globe. I'm convinced his dad actually hit him with a globe one time. And he thought of that. And that's how, because how else do you write that joke? I'm not really sure.

I was watching his old HBO. He was 30 years old and he looked 78. And he was the HBO special. He goes, he goes, I'm not really good at dating. I try, though. I saw a woman the other day and I noticed she had a black eye.

And I was like, great, she's seeing someone. I know. It's horrible, but it's so fucking funny. And it took me five seconds to tell that joke. God damn it.

Yeah, they're very quick. They're one-liners, but they're so fucking. much. I don't know. There's so much in them. That's actually, Donnie, all I really want to talk to you about was religion and rape jokes and tip fucking clown.

But I repeat myself. Donnie, thank you for coming on. Of course. Right, good to see you, buddy. You too. Thank you, sir. Let's have lunch. Yeah. Thank you all for listening to the Red podcast.

It once worked good. But now it is Haters can eat our ass