wellRED podcast - #111 - Fatness, Shame, and Lake Tahoe!

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

This week Trae breaks down some problems with Batman's morality, Drew goes to Lake Tahoe, and The CHO talks about how fat he is (which leads to a conversation on fat shaming and body positivity.  wellredcomedy.com for tickets!!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because you used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

And it's just like, you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say.

Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's the thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better.

and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore,

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Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that.

Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the cue ball looking twin fellas.

I was, yeah. So that was money. What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten.

If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions or reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com

slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the what is going on everybody. It's your boy, the show, well read comedy.com, w-e-l-l-R-E-D, comedy.com, spelled just like the podcast. That is where you can find information on our 2019 tour. We're on a little break right now where our honey bunny tray has surgery, but we will be back April 18th through the 20th in Portland, Oregon, April 25th in Oxnard, California, May 3rd and 4th, Salt Lake City, Utah, May 17th and 18th, Jacksonville, Florida, Duval, May 19th, Orlando, Florida,

May 30th through June 1st, we're in New York City at Caroline's, June 2nd, New Brunswick, New Jersey, June 8th, Columbia, Missouri, June 28th, and 29th, Huntsville, Alabama, June 30th, Birmingham, Alabama, July 13th, and 14th, Asheville, North Carolina, August 23rd, Grand Rapids, Michigan, August 24th, Traverse City, Michigan, August 25th, Detroit, Michigan. This podcast, as always, brought to you by Smokey Boysgrilling.com. Go to Smokey Boysgrilling.com and get all the rubs for all your meats. Also, carve vodka.com. Do you want to get drunk like the show?

I know you do. Go to carve vodka.com and check out Jacksonville's first and only craft vodka distillery. Carve your own path, mother fuckers. We had a great time this weekend in Sacramento at the Punchline. That club is tremendous. If you're in Sacramento, even if we're not there, go check out our good friends at the Punchline Comedy Club. It's just a great, it's such a great venue to have a show in. everything is set up perfectly.

The ceilins are the perfect height. The crowd is the right depth. It's just, it's a great place for a show. And speaking of a show, let's get on with this one. Skiw! Well, well. Skew. Here we are.

All right. So you were saying, I said, I may go jokingly. Well, you know, only half jokingly. Mm-hmm. We were talking about Drew or whatever, and you said something about, I don't know, and then you said something about, you said something about. I should have just fucked with him or something. And I was like, nah, I didn't want to do that.

And you said, yeah, of course not because that would be a lie. Yeah, and you're incapable of lying, which is a good quality. Right. And then I said, yeah, well, heroes never lie, Cho, you know, because I'm a hero and all that. To which I quit back. That's not true because Batman, Bruce Wayne, and Commissioner Gordon lied to the entire city of Gotham about Two Faces Death and how it took place because they knew that as a symbol. Right. Well, my rebuttal to that is I love those movies. I told you just the other day that those are like still my favorite superhero movies. Like even even counting all the MCU stuff or whatever, those are still my favorites, the Nolan Batman movies, especially the first two. But having said that, like, there's some problematic themes in those movies. Without a doubt. But he's still a hero. And one of the most problematic ones revolves around Batman being super, super, you know, Patriot Act-E.

Uh-huh. Like, you know, he's like, for the good of the people. For the good of the people. I know what's best for them. Sure. And so I'm allowed to do all this shit and make these decisions about their privacy and whatever on their behalf. Sure. Because I know what's best.

And like, that's a, in the real world. That ain't it. No, that ain't it at all. But he's fucking Batman. so it's like, all right, okay. But I'm saying, there are plenty of people that believe that is it.

For sure, yeah. Well, so I'm saying that's like that what you just said kind of goes along with that. They just take that. That's just like the government like covering shit up, you know,

like in reality. No, I'm with you, but I'm just saying, but I'm just saying Batman. That's just more proof that you could never fucking be Batman, in my opinion. Well,

I don't like we need it anymore proof of that. I'm literally the antithesis of Batman in every way other than being white, being a white man. Right. You know what I mean? Poor, fat, dumb, don't hit. Right. Still got one parent and all that.

You can't well. That's actually, that's the only, that's the only way. Yeah. Orphans. Yeah. We're both brooding orphans. That's the extent of my Batman comparison. Well, I'm having fun here inside.

Do you get like a, here's what I like about this hotel that we're at. We're already talking about hotels. This is, we're already going off the rails. Do you feel, do you get like a little, I mean, it don't hit as much, but like, this feels like a little village that we're staying in. Yeah, this hotel is, I was thinking about that. It's the only one. It's the only one.

It's the only one. It's the only one. It's, like, forever to get to your room. I mean, like, comparatively speaking. Right. Because it's not like, there's only two levels to this hotel. And there's like, it's laid out into like, I don't know, like, 12 little, like, sort of duplex situations and there's like a gazebo in the middle of it and stuff yeah i mean it's wild

it's not a common hotel layout at all no it feels more like a like a resort but like but right nothing else about it nothing about this area or whatever like sacramento's fine with me but absolutely this is not a resort situation but this hotel feels like a resort hotel like these feel like little like cabanas or something right and except they're not and again Sacramento is And I'm sure, now, we've not done good about, like, going out and trying to visit all of what Sacramento has to offer. Like, we've pretty much the last couple times we've been here, just stayed here at this hotel, went across the street and did the show and got drunk. So, admittedly, I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff in Sacramento that, like, I don't know about it. And I'm sure it wrecks shit. But, like, we, we're literally in a hotel almost every night of our lives.

I've never been in a fucking hotel like this before. And I feel like if every hotel adopted this layout, I'm. I would feel way better about my life. Well, they can't. I know they can't. But, like, well, if there was just one more that we fucking stayed at, because, like, when I do walk out, I do feel like, oh, I'm in a little tiny village.

I live near people. This is a, you know what I'm saying? It's got like a, I don't know. It feels like a, for a second, I'm convinced that I'm walking through an alley in Dorn. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it ain't that pretty, Game of Thrones wise, but, like, it has that same kind of communal feel.

I like it. I mean, I like it, too. I feel like you're overselling it a lip Right now But I mean I do like it It's a nice change of pace for sure Yeah I just now realize like me and you are the only ones Listening or talking into this podcast

That give that much of a fuck about hotels Yeah or this one in particular sense It's not like anyone truly knows what we mean Yeah no I hear you It just like it means a lot to me Yeah to have a different When I find a different hotel it's neat It is neat

So guess what I didn't fucking do today? What? Go to the weed store like I was supposed to. It checks out. I know. I'm fresh fucking out and I'm going home with my tail tucked. So we watched Captain Marvel earlier. Yeah.

Did it hit for you? It did hit for me. I'm kind of, I want to talk about this. We don't have to. I didn't necessarily want to talk about the movie too much since it's still in theaters and all that. I don't think there's any fucking way I can really give much of how I felt about it without spoiling it, but we can try. That's not what I want to do. There's only one thing in particular that occurred to me while watching the movie that I want to talk about that's not spoilery at all.

Everybody knows or if you don't know, it's not at all a secret that that movie takes place in 1995. It's a prequel. I really liked the way they immediately illustrate that it is sometime in the 90s. And what happens is she crash lands to Earth and she lands in a block. Blotbuster video. So she crash lands and it shows the big blockbuster sign. And so you immediately know, okay, this is in the past. Again, most people watching the movie knew that going into it.

But still, the way it's illustrated in the movie. They got to do it without having to put up a this is not 295. It was very effective in my opinion. For sure. But that got me to thinking. Uh-huh. Like, I don't know who's left. I think probably really no one.

But like, even if they're not there. anymore. Imagine being like whoever was the main dude at Blockbuster for a long time. Like whoever's like the main Blockbuster dude. He's not in that job anymore, but he was the guy that was there. And just imagine like seeing that. Or also like whoever had to give them the rights because I assume that's still somebody still on the right to Blockbuster and had to give it to him. that's so like humiliating basically because it's like hey you were the preeminent movie rental chain in america for ever from the dawn of home video only one up until you were the number one in it ubiquitous and everybody knew it and you don't at all exist anymore and everybody knows and everybody knows it and everybody knows it. everybody knows. Everyone is very aware, very, very aware of how bad you drop the fucking ball and fuck the whole thing up.

Yeah. Okay. Keep going. And be right. I'm still on the phone. And because of that, we think your brand would make the perfect illustration. Okay. To immediately let people know that we have gone back in time.

Okay. Because any American. any American, when they see your signage, is going to immediately know, okay, well, this can't possibly be in the present day, because they very famously died. Okay, I hear you. And so you're probably about to hear a stool hit the wall. That's, you know, like, that is so fucking funny because, like, I'm now imagining it as block the dude that is in charge of all that. He still has an assistant because I'm sure he's still fucking rich and doing something that hits. and she calls, she's like, hey, Jeff, it's Marvel on the phone.

And he's like, oh, what? Marvel. See, that's the thing. I bet it's a job. It might be a job. And they're like, excuse me, you know how you used to hit? Exactly. Right, that's what I'm saying.

That's such a great thought. That's what I'm saying because it's like it's doubly worse because it's movies. Yeah. Like it's within the realm of what they do. Yeah. Like it makes it all the more painful. Oh, yeah. And you got to do it.

Right. Of course you got to do it. You're not going to say no. No. But it's like they've literally been reduced to like a site gag essentially. Yes. And they have to like just go with it. Right.

There's no getting around it. They're the same as a pay phone now. Right. They're the exact same thing as a pay phone. Right. But there's no. But pay phones are like, you know, like a utility or whatever. You know what I mean?

It's not like they are as good of a tool to show that we're in the past as someone using a pay phone. fine. Right. Yeah. That's fucking so goddamn funny. I'm sure when they hung up the phone. Hey, before we go,

uh, you remember how you, click. Yeah. Remember how you turned down Netflix? Like, not that much money. Exactly.

All right. Anyways. See ya. Right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's so goddamn funny. But no,

the movie did very much hit for me. Like it, like I told you, I still don't know how to fucking say this without. It did. It did its damn job. You know what I mean? There's no way it's going to be as good.

as any of other Marvel movies because like we talked about off camera you said well like it just doesn't have the buildup that the other ones does and it doesn't have all the character that you've already grown to love i felt when the movie was coming out and i felt while watching the movie it's just in my opinion and i still really enjoyed that movie and also i get like i get their rationale for the approach that because they want to keep making movies sure like it's just too late in the game like so far since marvel started since them so you started with Iron Man 1 in 2008 or whatever. Literally everything across all their movies has been building to Avengers Endgame,

which comes out next month or whatever. It's way too late in that game and that process, in my opinion, to have a new origin story, a brand new character that just comes up out of nowhere because what I was saying, what we were saying earlier is like there's no possible way for that movie to have like the same impact and stuff as the other Marvel movies of the same era because they all deal with like characters and storylines and stuff that are years in the making

and that are fully developed and that you're extremely invested in. And this is a brand new thing completely out of nowhere and it's just there's no possible way to make it like have as much of an impact or whatever. But it's still a good movie and I still enjoyed it. I mean, I think it was, I think it hit about as hard as it could have considering what you just said. Right, exactly. Now that you've said that, now that I think about that movie more, like, I consider that movie like it's a, it's a base hitter. Right. You're in baseball. It's like,

it wasn't ever supposed, I mean, like, at the box office, it's a fucking huge home run. Right. Without a doubt. But like, everything that movie was designed to do was to set up this, set up this, and like plug holes here. And it fucking did that. It was a pretty movie. I fucking loved Brie Larson as, as Carol Danvers I thought she fucking smash so any Twitter criticism that I see from now on about her

I just know that there being some in-cell piece of shit well that's another thing I think we can talk about without spoiling anything from the movie absolutely the whole like you know all the we can spoil it in a good way all the internet trolls

bitching about you know the girl power stuff in this movie it in my opinion I mean, it's some of it. It's like it's not at all egregious. They do not at all shove it down your throat or nothing like that. Like anybody would,

it's not cringy or eye-rolly or anything. Like, it's well done. Like, and there's not even like that much of it. It's just, it's a superhero movie. You know what I mean? Like, most of it just comes from the fact that the hero in question is a woman. Yeah, dude. That's like, that's all it is.

They don't, they don't like, lay, it on super thick or nothing like that. So like all that shit is way overblown. But like I knew that going into it. Sure. Because the internet always does that. Yeah. But like, but like I still like I went into it going like, okay.

I mean, you know, I feel like these are just a bunch of like Bill O. Riley Tucker Carlson types who were just looking for any reason to say like, oh, we're going too far with like everything's toxic masculinity and we're, we're destroying testosterone as it is, you know, yada, yada. So I went into it like, all right, let me just try to see if I think there are some moments that are like, okay, that was a bit forced. And just there was maybe one. And now looking back on it, I'm like, that still wasn't even that. But I could see how somebody could say that.

But like, it's the same fucking people who were just like, Black Panthers just shoving what the black agenda down our face. It's like, no, they're just. Yeah, that's what they were saying. Right. I know that. But like literally all it is is like, that's just there were black people in the movie. And in this one, the hero's a woman. That's as far as that agenda goes.

that's literally as far as it goes and they played a fucking no doubt song all right like I don't get it like I genuinely those dudes I guess just aren't ready for the other problems with the movie such that they are because again

I still really liked it is also things that they can't help because they're problems that are that literally every prequel has and what I mean is all the characters that you know already or Captain Marvel herself because you know why the movie exists

there's they're never in any like danger the stakes never really feel that high because you know they can't you know what ultimately comes out of it like where it ends up right like Nick Fury is gonna be fine right exactly and so is she you know and so like that's a problem with any prequel that's why that's one of the reasons prequels are so fucking hard to do sure is because like you already know what happens to some extent so like it can't be elevated as high as it can in like uh like dude like in game i ain't got a fucking clue what's going to happen in that movie right you know what i mean like and i'm gonna be on the edge of my seat and i fully expected to be a white knuckle thrill ride and i'm gonna love it i'll probably cry a little bit i tried in almost every super hitting marvel movie that like guardians the galaxy i fucking tear is it too is it is it late enough to where we don't we're not spoiling hey buddy a fucking sweet shirt remember when i ordered jocke queer Appalachia shirts.

This is the one I ordered. I still have mine. This was the most popular one, so they ran out. I caught the sleeves. And then the guy who did their t-shirts died. Oh, that don't hit. But anyway. Well, we're welcome to, welcome Drew Morgan to the podcast.

Everybody, you were just in Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe. Which I didn't realize was like as close to here as it apparently is. How close is it? About an hour 45. Oh, okay. I mean, that's pretty good little halls. You took a trip today.

I did. It's a four-hour round trip. Yeah. Well, you guys didn't invite me to the movie. That's not true. We taught last night and you said you told us flat out, I'm not going to go to that movie, which is fine. That's true. You didn't invite me.

That's not true. That's true. You didn't give us a chance to not invite you by saying, hey, I'm probably not going to go to that movie. That's very different. No, no, probably. My plan was, like, check out of Sacramento. And then when I looked at the map, I was like, man, we're right by Lake Tahoe. I'm not that much of a skier.

I'm like once every five years. So I was like, when am I going to go to Lake Tahoe? Is that what you did today? No. Oh, I was about to say, dude, God damn. My point being is I don't think I'll ever go to Lake Tahoe. See, I didn't even know. I've obviously heard of Lake Tahoe, and it's like a rich white people place, right?

Well, it's a ski place, so yes. Okay, well, see, but I didn't realize it was like a ski place. Yeah. I'm just conditioned to when I hear Lake, I don't think that. That's interesting because of where you're from has a lake. You grew up on a lake. Oh, you don't think skiing. Yeah.

I thought you meant I don't think rich people. No, no, no, no. And I'm like, son, come on. Pontoon boat? What's funny is those were always rich people to us, but like now they're not at all rich people. They're middle class Midwesterners who come down for a week in the summer. But no, lakes have always meant rich people to me, but I meant snow. Snow and skiing and stuff.

I don't think of lakes. I think of warm weather, boats and shit. So I never realized that about Lake Tahoe actually. So is it like snowy up there right now? It is snowy. Like you can still ski, but the lake area is. like at the base. Yeah.

And there is snow on the ground, but it was like 40. I had a long-sleeved shirt. I bought a hat, like a toboggan. Like a sock cap? Yeah, well. What are those called it's not toboggan? Took. Beanie.

Beanie, beanie. Yeah. Took? Yeah, took. That's what Canadians call them. Because I found out, I found out when I was in Yellowstone that like, this is calling it a toboggins a very southern thing, I guess. Yes.

Because it's a sled. Yeah. I was like, my toboggan, they're like, I said, I was like, I was. So I was like, oh, let me go grab my toboggan. They're like, the fuck are you talking about? I was like, my tobogne. They're like, you're goddamn, we're not sledding. And I was like, what the fuck do you call them?

And like, but Beanie, I feel like is a very specific one. Like that's, isn't there another, there's yet another word that's like a wild, a wild word that mean, and it's the ones that like go over your whole, like a ski mask type of thing. Right. There's another, it's like. When it's a ski mask Anna thing. Like it's Balacava. Balacava. Yeah, because Eddie Bauer, we're.

We used to sell multi-clavas. I almost said baklava, which is a dessert, right? But balakava, correct? Yeah, because we used to sell multi-clavas at Eddie Bauer, and it was like it was a thing that you could wear as a headband, but then if you pulled it down like this, you could do that, or you could just wear it around your neck. So it was multi-klava.

Multi-clava, that's the thing that all of our uncles hate. PC culture is trying to make me experience multi-clava. Clavas, yeah, don't hit for them. so i mean i yeah bach blah blah that's what they are now that's what i'll definitely fuck up and call them later well it's no this isn't true but it's barely less ridiculous than toboggin sure especially we took a sled and it was just like well sleds are outside am i whispering by the way you just now check my levels i just walked in and grabbed a mic no you're actually fine i checked it earlier i was just you talked different than me but uh oh that was burp that i didn't mean

too. Oh, Mr. Mouth. But, you know, we just, I feel like we saw a picture, some Southern saw a picture, pointed and wanted to know what the hat was, but just generally pointed and said, what's that, the person looking at the picture, saw the sled, goes, a toboggan. Probably. I mean, that makes as much interesting.

I mean, that makes sense of anything. Yeah, that all checks out. Well, so did it stack up to your expectations as far as natural beauty or whatever? And what you were saying a minute ago about, you know, I hear lake, I don't think ski. I mean, that's water ski, I think. But, yeah, I don't think snow skiing. I think that's why it's so popular. Like, it's just a very high, a lake at a very.

Do they fuck with boats on it and stuff, too? They do in the summer, yeah. Okay. All right. There's some sailboats out there right now. What were people doing today? Was it? Mostly walking around and taking pictures.

People are still skiing. In Lake Tahoe, that's at the base. There's all kinds of roads to go up to resorts, and there's littler ski towns up there. is my understanding. I didn't fuck with any of that. I just hung out at the base, drove around the lake, got me some food,

got me some cratum. Just was hitting. Nice. I was going to go hiking, but I realized timing-wise, there might be traffic, and I might not get to do that. And I also realized

there's four feet of snow everywhere up there. What did you eat? I am. I ate at this Mexican bakery that was super highly rated, and I got the chorizo breakfast and made little breakfast tacos.

What time? How long did you get up and leave? About 11.30. Oh, really? Oh, so that you had breakfast in the middle of the day. Yeah, I just got breakfast tacos for lunch, yeah. For a late lunch. Well, speaking of food, there's one thing I wanted to talk about.

I can't remember if we talked about it on here or not. So if we have, tell me, and y'all come up with something. Big old fat fucks. Yeah. Have we talked about them? Wait. Obesity? Well, wait.

Like the kind of. I mean, I'll elaborate, obviously, in a minute. Okay. I mean, in a macros, like, yes, we've talked about big old fat fucks before, but I don't know. But not in a micro. What about it? What about them? I just mean, we stay talking about.

We're from the South and we have a podcast. Big fat fucks have been brought up before. I just don't know what specifically you mean. What's happening right now? So I kind of alluded to it last week, but we were on another thing. And I thought about getting into it, but we were about to wrap it up. But I was talking about Katie. We're talking about jeans and all that.

Tread lightly. I was about saying. I said it's the opposite. She's the opposite. And I said the opposite about her. I said, and this is true, I was like, I know she's got great genes because for years she always, like, she's always been, she's always kept her shit pretty goddamn tight with. And I said, and she just don't hit for her. I'm sorry.

Pretty minimal effort. I'm sorry. I know. I was like, and this is also true when she was competing doing fitness competitions, her effort, her work ethic was off the choice. And then she was literally a competition level. Right. Yeah. And so exactly.

It was commensurate. But when she wasn't doing that, when she just, if she, it's so good she doesn't listen to this because she would be furious right now because this was always a point of contention with us because I would, because the thing is I find really fit people like that. And I know they're not all that way, but like they, that very does not hit for them because it It implies because it's like taking credit away from how hard they worked or whatever. And I understand that mentality.

As a comedian especially. But I also feel like it's just undeniable. I've known enough people in my life. My best buddy Thompson is another one. Thompson, our whole lives, like he's just been able to eat like a fucking horse, drink like a goddamn fish, and not get fat at all. Like, he's always been that way. It's absolutely a thing. Yeah, Chris.

Are we all on the same page with this? Because, again, it's a contentious thing depending on. And scientific. But not everybody, people are... People who work out a lot don't believe in science. The people are the other side. He's like, yeah, I just don't get big. Like, he knows.

People on the other side will often say that this is just something, that this is like excuses making. by fat or slobby people. It's like they're just making excuses. If you work hard and you diet right and all that, you will be in shape. And that is true. But like,

if you are not genetically gifted in that way, you have to, to borrow a line from Chris Rock. You have to soar to shit that they can crawl to. Yeah, basically. And a lot of them don't want to, and when it comes to dieting,

I am very black, like in that regard. You know what I'm like? I do. I have to, No, me too. I'm the same way. I actually, like, you can't tell it to look at me,

but I've worked out pretty regularly for like 10 years. And I still do. I know. I'm kidding. No, no. That's a valid response. No, you were right.

In all seriousness, it's with, my stomach is, y'all, it just won't go away unless I'm really untieck. Like, I just always have this round punch, even when I was playing college football. Mine's my face. But the rest of it. it is dude but the rest of me like I'll work out for a month

and my arms will look like I've worked out most of my life yeah well because I mean I won't but if I did here's another thing that probably at least a couple people who listen I assume we have some fitness I mean hell we had a couple last night that were here ripped as shit fans of ours

who listen to the podcast are probably also thinking and this is you could touch his back and just feel muscles and this is true he reminded me Thompson. We have plenty of ripped fans because we have a lot of gay fans and they're often ripped.

They keep their shit tight. They do. But the other thing is, yeah, I know. But looking for the whole joke. What some of them are thinking right now, I'm sure, and this is also very valid, this is my problem. I do work out regularly and have for a long time. I have like muscles and shit. They're just covered up with fat.

Trayflips. Because I'm on camera. They can see me. We're on camera, Drew. Look at that. Look at this bill. But it's covered up with fat because a lot of people don't realize that how fat you are. 90% of it is the kitchen, not the gym.

Oh, yeah. It's what you eat. Oh, yeah. And I've never been good at keeping my shit together eating wise, ever. And that's my problem. But even that shit varies. Absolutely. This is true for me.

if I want to get rid of this belly, I have to go low carb. And if I do that in about a month and a half, it absolutely goes away. But that's so hard to do for a month and a half. It's also not good for you. It's not good for you to go super low carb. For that long...

We all eat too many carbs. For that long of a period of time, like if you're somebody, like you're trying to make weight or something or like you're going to be in a commercial next week and you literally just need to get a flatter tummy. You go low carb for a week. Whoopty fucking do.

It's what your brain eats. Right. And sugar. I ate too many carbs. You can't eat no more math and stuff. My brain too busy eating the sugar. Brains run on sugar. This man.

Yeah, well, you could keep a Hugo fuel full. God damn it. I got too excited and I fucked it up. Only you had my brain. Yeah, I know. I ain't no carbs today and I couldn't get out. You could keep a fucking Pontiac full tray of gas. Right.

It ain't going to keep up with a porch. I almost, I almost eat like an exclusive carb diet. Well, for some people, that's fine. Yeah, not for me. Clearly, I'm about saying, too, not for my man. You got a big butt, right? Huge butt. That's, so hear me out.

This is wild, but this we're going to have to go back a little bit. Andy used to be the office manager of this doctor who was very weird, not a nice person, but was like. Medical doctor. Yes. But he was the leading researcher in a big boody hose. Yeah, in big booty hose. That's hilarious. No, but in a lot of, he was a, he did like rheumatoid.

That's two chains, actually, the world's foremost leading expert on big booty hose, Dr. Chains. He did rheumatoid stuff. Oh, yeah. All of those things are related to inflammation and diet. Long story short, somehow he ended up doing a bunch of research on the Atkins diet because he had put some of his clients on it to try and reduce inflammation. And he figured out, and he's like got papers and shit, I'm not making this up.

I don't know how, you know, studied they are. But he figured out that Atkins or low carb works better for some people than others. And the ones that lose weight on it, it would also reduce their inflammation. Point being, in this regard, he told Andy straight up, he was super weird, like borderline spectrumy and an asshole. He straight up told Andy, well, you got a big. You got a big butt. It won't work for you, but your husband's got a big belly.

It'll work for him. You got both. Did he call her big butt? Not to her face. He was terrified of her. You have a big butt, so I'm going to call you big butt. He used to subscribe. But really, that's true.

Like, the low carb. Subscribe Jesus. Yes. Huh. Well, that's what he said. But I also have a big belly. Well, he said it was both. It's both.

It's both. Yeah, it is both. He used to prescribe this woman that he was cheating on his wife with, according to Andy. I'm saying all. this Jesus Christ. Who gives the shit? You didn't say his name. I'm about to. Good.

I'll name Dr. Namy. And he would prescribe her human growth hormone and then she'd just give it to him. He like worked out a lot. Yeah. The Peyton Manning approach. Yeah. What was that now? You don't remember that like brief scandal that Peyton had where like he was absolutely

taking HGH? But the story was. Well, he had had that terrible injury. Yeah. And he was taking it to recover. but it's still a banned sub-substance. The story was, his wife was taken it. It was prescribed to his wife.

She was the one who ostensibly was taking it. He never was. But, like, obviously that motherfucker was taking ACHA. We all know how women love human growth. So much their favorite thing. I can't wait to grow. They are all about hormones, though. Absolutely.

Yeah. 100%. So, yeah, no, I mean, like, but I'm, like, the past couple, like, I've quit, and I quit drinking as much. I hadn't had any... Last time I was the first beer I've had in like two and a half weeks. But instead of like, oh, cool, I'm definitely going to slim down because I've not had beer. I have just eaten so many noodles and so much bread and so much...

Now, granted, I feel like I did that. I did the same amount, but also I was pouring beer on top of it. We've talked about that before for sure, but I'm not certain about it on here. But that's definitely a thing, too. Like, if you drink a lot and then you stop drinking... Yeah. Your body like still wants those carbs and stuff. And so you'll overcompensate for it by just pouring noodles down your face every day.

And I have. I ate noodles for breakfast. Yeah. When I stop drinking, I don't crave liquor like after a week or whatever. I want a beer. Uh-huh. That's what I want. Me too.

I don't want a drink. I don't want alcohol. Me too. Beer. Yeah, because last night. See, I don't have that. I want a whiskey or a vodka or something. Well, no, I mean, when I'm wanting to get drunk.

I mean, I want that too. No, no. That's not what I'm crazy. When I'm wanting to get drunk, I do want that. But last night, like, so when we were at the club, like, that was my thing is I couldn't, I wanted a fucking beer so bad. I didn't want to get drunk at all. But I was like, I would love a. And I didn't, though.

I had four beers. Like, I did pretty good. But, like, after four or five, whatever. I'm not judging you at all. I just looked like this. I was also doing the mat. How many did you have? He definitely had one four or five, but it's still fine.

He didn't get drunk. No, he can live his life. Yeah, right. Right. But it was more than four or five. My thing is, I'm absolutely, my not drinking is for both mental health and I would like to lose a little bit of weight. And there's no way I'm going to ever lose weight if I keep drinking like I'm drinking. Right.

So my point, so you would think in my brain I would go, all right, well, the best drink for me to have is a vodka soda because that's the least calories, least car. But I just, I was like, fuck that. I want a Miller light, the least beer I could have. In fairness, at shows and stuff, because I go through that same thought process. I don't want to get drunk. If you're drinking vodka sodas, you're going to end up fucking wrecked. If you're nursing beers,

it's not... I had two shows before each set, so I had four beers before, and then I probably had two or three... Because a vodka soda go down, quick, so quick. And you're like, I'm refreshing, smooth.

One of the things, I'm gonna get one we get there. You are, you can tell you started talking about it like it was an ex-lover. I'm gonna fucking... I can't see her in a decade. What she smell like? Yeah.

She goes down smooth. We all just started thinking about it, and I had lost me. my train of thought oh one thing that i've read some about and i don't know if this is you know completely accepted or whatever but it's you know how like if you're big and then you lose weight it's real easy to gain it back yeah so supposedly at some point in your life as a child like your body type is not permanently set and it's not that you can't overcome it but like it's harder to right yeah and it has to do with you've trained your body to store fat a certain way because

at the end of the day, this body was built in, you know, in an evolutionary way. Right. To survive way more gnarly conditions than what we live in in America. Right. Right. And so as a kid, like, if you trained your body to be like, store all this fat. You're just going to store fat for now. And I mean, I know I'm speaking ignorantly about that.

But I also know people who know what they're talking about have said something that that is the gist of. Okay, sure. But here's the other side of it. And it makes me very worried about my. nephews. Here's the other side of it that I also want to talk about. In my opinion, there's no denying that all that shit we just talked about is like, it's a real thing.

Right. And like even just anecdotally, everybody in their lives has seen some version of it and knows that's real. Having said that, when big old fat fucks, oh, here we go. go on the whole thing of like I just can't. There's no point or whatever or like it's put you know what I mean like just chalk it all up to genetics or whatever yeah miss me right exactly

I understand there are thyroid issues I don't get that though because you just talked about how you do all this stuff but you still look the way I don't eat the way I should I know that if I ate the way I should he would look way better yeah yeah if you legitimately went on a great this is still my fault. If you went on a fucking, yeah, if you want on a bodybuilder, not even bodybuilder, just like a fitness type person's diet and stuck with it, you look great. Basically, they're not mutually exclusive. If I had Thompson's genetics and lived exactly like I lived right now, I'd be fucking jacked and look great. But if I lived better than I live

right now, I would be in a lot better shape. And it's my own fault that I don't, that I'm not, because I know what my genetic circumstances. It's just the brakes. Right, exactly. And it sucks. And I know that. I guess my thought process, though, is if you live right and eat right and you're still pretty big and, like, you know the difference, but the world can barely tell the difference in a double XL and a triple XL, then they're kind of right.

What is the point? They know? Or like, like, they live 10 years longer? I think there are people like, Corey said, like, thyroid issues or whatever. People are like, it is genuinely out of control. I think the vast majority of overweight people, though, are. are more like The waves were mighty and fiercest could be

when my lady and I got lost at sea We tossed and turned and we nearly drowned When my brave little boat went down Whoa whoa no none of that's true You haven't had a date in a year or two The sea was calm and the sky was clear And you crashed right into the pier Yeah, fine

Accidents don't just happen in sea shanties So Progressive boat insurance has you covered Take as little as four minutes To see what you can save at Progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. and not available for all boats are in all situations. Not genetically gifted in that way, like the Thompson's and Katie's of the world,

but also are dismissing a lot of their own accountability for it, is what I'm saying. Yeah, it does suck that, like, yeah, you may will never look like fucking Cindy Crawford at her prime. I don't know why I went straight to Cindy Crawford. That's the fucking 60. Best reference. Well, I did say in her prime. She still looks fucking amazing. hell you'll never look like Cindy Crawford does now but like you don't have to weigh 350 pounds because you can't look like Cindy Crawford there is like a right well Katie Katie was showing me the other day somebody posted on Facebook and was getting shared around and she said it she was like so this is like this is a thing that a lot of my overweight friends were sharing and as soon as she said that I was like all right this about to be good yeah you know and it was this post it was basically like I'm

tired of this idea that we should deny ourselves the things that we enjoy and that bring us happiness and comfort in life just for the benefit of our, and in like quotation marks, health or whatever. And it was about, and it was way longer than that. And it was absolutely a fat person being like, why should I forego the things that I enjoy just so that like maybe, well, what? I'll live a little longer or whatever, but it's like... You're literally describing our motto, though.

That's true, but why should we forego? But maybe I'm misunderstanding the Post. It sounds like they're trying to just stop denying that. Maybe. No, no, no. That's like... There's a difference, again, between, like, living a Spartan lifestyle in order to be super, like, fit or whatever, because that is, like, I do have...

a certain sense of like what's the point in living if you're going to drill yourself like a fucking like you're in boot camp for your entire life because you know that just don't hit but that ain't the same thing as being like if i want cake for breakfast every morning i should have it because that hits for me hold on that ain't what they said though first of all okay i'm paraphrased it and butchered it i get that that's essentially what they were saying i'm just trying to make sure I understand you. Are you saying, first of all, are you saying that this person was saying, I'll eat cake for breakfast if I want? That was the general impression that I was getting.

And also why Katie was like bringing it up to me. They didn't literally say that about cake. It was them just being like... If I'm honest, though, I think you're a little biased here because it really sounds like to me, because I've seen some posts like that. And I always interpret them as, I don't give a fuck anymore. And like the people have... What about the body positivity thing and all that type of?

That's what I'm getting that. And I'm with that to a degree, too. I'm with that to a degree, too. And the reason I am, and I can defend it in the vein of what you're saying is, I'm not talking about the dude laying up into bed. You know, and that guy probably had a thyroid problem or something, you know, like, like my 600-pound life situation. Yeah, like, something weird.

Yeah, those are outliers. For sure. But, like, if you want to live the way I live, but your genetics is bad, what business is it of mine if you... I just think it's disingenuous when they act like... it's not, you know, terrible for their health. Right.

Poor, like, decision making or whatever, or like that it's like, and I guess they're, I guess they're like, oh, I acknowledge the consequences, but you know what, fuck it. But like, that, I don't think that that's like a thing to be a, I should live better. Like, I admit that. And I'll try and fail. But I know, and it's on me. Like it's health's fault. Right.

Or like, or like, like, just like, that it's like, you know, I'm comfortable and confident with this and you just need to deal with it or whatever and if you say you are unhealthy and that shit is unhealthy but why would you say that? Because it's true

I would never say it to a person's face I'm talking about in general if they were my relative or my kid I would because it's true and yes like he just said if you have kids or whatever like that shit you have kids I know

I don't let them just eat whatever the fuck they want all the time or whatever. Mine are pretty good about eating. I'm lucky in that way. Big people was letting her kids eat that way. I'm saying. I don't think I'm expressing this right. I guess I'm not either.

The message of this is all right. If you, if it hits for you living this way, this is just as like good of a way to live than other people live. That's not a message that should be spread is what I'm saying. Because that's not true. that it's bad for you and you shouldn't act like it's not if you want to be like yeah it's bad for me and I'll die early

but fuck it I don't give a fuck that is fine but acting like it's like I don't know that it should be applauded or proselytize like you said or spread around or whatever it's just like that's bullshit I just think that we

we see this differently and we will never agree because what you just said is 100% true but that's not how I see this I see this as an attempt by people who are large to tell other large people you don't have to torture yourself

and work super hard if you don't want to. Sometimes it is, for sure. I think the type that you're talking about is just sometimes it just goes one rung too far where it's like, yeah, dude, of course, some belly roll. Like, I'm not actually a morbidly obese person as much shit as I give myself.

We ate two sleeves of cookies, a pizza and two bags of Doritos last night. Oh, three pizzas. Oh, yeah. They were fucking little pizzas. They were like, realistically, that was one pizza. It was one pizza. It was one large pizza.

It was two. It was two mediums. Because it wasn't personal. They were tiny slices, but there were eight of them. Man, that's true. They were about the size of a Toto's party. It was what I would call a dinner pizza, not a lunch pizza. It was one and a half pizzas.

It was one and a half large pizzas. It wasn't three whole large pizzas. It was also two sleeves of cookies and two bags of chips. Yes. You had most of the chips. I did eat most of the chips. I did not eat most of the cookies. I did say, I had like three cookies.

Corey kept trading me cookies and we was not trading fairly. No, hell no. I knew that game. I was high as fuck. And I'm not saying we should be ashamed of that. I'm saying I always interpret those messages as if I want to live like that, I'm not going to be ashamed of it either because I feel like when fat people hear something like that. That's my thing.

But I don't, I'm not acting like, I'm ashamed of it. of that. I was ashamed of it then. I'm ashamed of it now. But I've never interpreted those things. And I guess there's different ones. I've never interpreted them the way that you interpret them, I don't think. I've always interpreted them as an attempt to, yes, normalize being bigger.

And whether or not that's okay, we can certainly discuss. I've never seen it as an attempt to celebrate it necessarily. Oh, I have, but I follow a bunch of patties on Instagram. I've seen celebrate the body. I've actually seen celebrate the fat body. Yeah. But I'm just saying, I guess I've always seen that as like people going, I'm tired of waking up and worrying about what I look like all the time. I'm just not going to do it anymore.

And you know what? I'm going to be proud of the way I look. And whether or not that's good, buddy, that's a tough question. Because mentally, that's got to be healthy. Sure. Physically, I don't know. But if you want to know me, but this is something that I apply across the board and this is what I was talking about us and the way we live our life. My thing is fuck it.

You going to die. The last 10 years suck anyway, dude. But it's not just the last 10 years. That's why I was about to say, you're right. Mentally, that does have to be a healthier state of mind. But, like, physically speaking, it's objective and there's no two ways about it. And it's not just the last 10 years suck anyway, so let's just shave those off. You're also going to feel worse for every single fucking day of the rest of those years.

But I do think. And there's no denying that. I think I'm going to get pushback from y'all on this. But I do believe that once you're, like, 30, it's not entirely too late, but it's too late to just, like, work out. every morning and eat reasonably okay and it go away. You'll probably feel better if you do that and you'll probably be a little lighter. Wait, how big are you at 30 in this situation? I'm just saying that if you want to talk about how to change this shit, like I say let's

start with kids, like in what they eat and like how they, their relationship to health. I just have seen so many things of men and women talking about actually trying hard and losing weight, 20 pounds. and then talking about how when you're 320, it's just not worth it. It's just wasn't fucking worth it. And I just like, I give that. It's another thing surrounding the whole culture of dieting and stuff in this country.

Because I bet a lot of times those people you're talking about lost that 20 pounds by some like fad diet type of situation that like nobody ever really sticks to because of the nature of them when like it has to be a full on lifestyle change that you're not looking at is like, oh, I just got. got to go through this for now and I'll get out the other side of it healthier. Like now more right. And I am saying that I would like making a life to fuck a lifestyle change for me. And I've always interpreted the culture you're talking about as people trying to tell other large people. If you don't want to do that, you don't fucking have to. Sure.

And if it bought like and this is kind of how I feel about like sometimes people like you and Katie where it's like, and if that bothers you that they don't give a fuck, like that's a you problem. Sure, and I'm sure that... It doesn't bother me that they don't give a fuck. It bothers me that there are at least a faction of them that act like it's like... Like you said, they, like, proselytize that or whatever. Or, like, spread that message to other people that, like, makes it seem like, yeah, this is just the way at Ork be. And it's not the way it or be.

Right, like, I'm glad that you are mentally fine with the fact that you have to ask for a special seatbelt on the plane. But, like, don't act like that's a great thing. Right. And I know what you're saying is like, I don't think they are. Sometimes they fucking absolutely are. Well, even if they are, like, I guess I fail to see the problem there. I get it if it's like, we're out here, pretend like eating chicken wings and dying of a heart attack at 45 and having lesions on your feet because you can't fucking walk. It's cool.

I mean, I've seen these people at Walmart. I know what you're trying. Like, that's not a good lifestyle. No one should aspire to that. I get that. I just have never interpreted. I mean, those people ain't proselytizing. The ones we see aren't.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, 100%. Like, there ain't no fat meme on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. Is that a pizza? They just don't give a fuck. They'd be postalitizing.

There it is. Yeah, we found it. No, I mean, I hear you. I mean, who the fuck am I? I'm a fat fuck. I'm also not proud of myself, though. I'm not happy at all. I feel like that gives us more of a right to talk about it.

Because, like, I've always felt that way when I hear those arguments. I'm always like, man, I'm a fat fuck too. And I'll just tell you right now, like, it's, on me. Sure. It is on me. It's within my power to change it. I just realize this is, and I'm, you know, I get this.

This isn't me trying to, like, attack you. I mean, you just don't want people being proud. That offends me, too, if I'm honest with you. Everybody needs to have a little bit more shame. You would not be proud of being fat. Everybody should be ashamed to themselves. I agree. Agree.

Yeah. Right. I just, I respect greatness and don't act like, you know what I'm saying? Like, there's... No, I was just doing a bit. I mean, I think we're all ashamed of ourselves in every direction. and I think any attempt to get over that is mentally healthy. I guess I can buy that if we're creating a world, though,

where the idea is like that's physically healthy, that that's bad. No, I mean, I think we've talked about this before, and I know this is probably not a popular, I do love it when, like, you know, when there's a dude that looks maybe similar to me is in a magazine, like when dad bodd came in, I was like, all right, look, I'm getting representation.

But at the end of the day, like, the people who weren't being magazine or the people who work their ass off and have abs. I don't need to be in a fucking magazine. If I do something that hit funny-wise, put me in a fucking magazine for that. But like, don't just put this on somewhere to show this to somebody. People that work their ass off and look unreal,

they be on the magazine. But this started off by me saying that I know, because I've known some of them, and the ones in the magazines do. They do. But, like, a lot of those people, they don't work their ass off because they don't have to because they won the genetic lottery.

Sure, sure. That is also true. Sure. But, like, again, to me, the two things are not mutually exclusive. Like that, what I just said, even though I believe that fully, about some people being genetically gifted, that doesn't mean that it's just like hopeless or whatever if you're not one of those people.

Like if you've been dealt a bad hand, you can still be the best version of yourself. Right. That joke, I'm going to start doing it tonight. I was been thinking about it all day that I was talking to you about the other day, about the culture of getting rid of the stigma around mental health. I'm very for that. But because social media is so much about likes and feeling validated, and we have started validating people for owning their mental health, which I'm also very for. 100%.

It has started to turn into a little bit of a glorification of having mental health problems. And I fear perhaps the idea that if you have those, we know what can you do about it. and like one day people were going to bet don't take your medicine just let the fucking I don't know if they're ever going to get there but I do think that don't you think that has kind of existed in the artistic world for like a long time away or social media probably forever that you're like you have to be tortured I've just I buy into that shit sometimes I've literally just now started really trying and I need honest I need to go see a therapist that's the end game to this but I've actually started really trying to like every day at least work on

myself mentally a little bit better and I used to not do it specifically because I was like if I get better as a person I won't be funny I won't be funny anymore all my humor comes from me being tortured and being and then and as the past couple years have gone by I look at my act and everything I create and I'm like that has nothing to do with you being upset well my funny my theory on that is it's not that you have to be mentally unstable or tortured or sad to be funny you have to be relatable to be funny and everyone is tortured and sad this is how we do that but I think what I'm getting is What I'm trying to get at is like there's a lot of nuance involved in both those conversations. There's a lot of overlap.

And yeah, that's been going on forever with mental health and artistic creation. It's been going on probably on some level with any type of human condition. It's like everyone wants to be proud of themselves. And no one wants to feel shame constantly for anything. And we do need to talk about certain things as a society like how women do feel ashamed if they don't look perfect. or men feel ashamed if they don't make the most money in their fucking household or whatever. And it's like, that's not good. But if that becomes an excuse for people, that's also not good.

Right. I mean, that just seems clear to me. Yeah. And I mean, that and Trey hates fat people. Well, I hate myself. Right. There you go. Those are two things that are clear.

I hate myself and I am a fatty fat fat. God damn. You guys are going to get. So that. that positive? It's like the opposite of a backhanded compliment. We're going to get positive.

Your fat is good. You're going to get jumped onto. Yeah. But by being positive to you. The backhanded compliment is like, you're looking pretty good, you know, for a fucking comic or whatever. Well, this is going to be like,

what? You know? Come on, you idiot. You're not fat. What are you doing? And you just want to, you know, make excuses or whatever. That's what I think is going on.

There's no denying I'm fat. I'm fat. give a shit when anybody's funny because I do I'm sitting here saying all this but like I tell him all the time he's perfect just the way he is and that's sweet but like it's it's because you know but if he gained 80 pounds apparently you'd hate him but I know what he wouldn't hit if he gained 80 pounds he's perfect the way he is right but like when you say that and what you mean by that is you're perfect because you look funny and you look funny to me well but right we can't all be Brad you're the funniest fucking you're funny as fuck also Corey I as

is something I've been wanting to tell you and I'm going to say it on the podcast, I think I like clean shaving. And you know, I don't lie to you about these things. Thank you. The beard doesn't work for me. It hasn't for a while. Thank you. Thank you. I'm on the fence about, I really like the mustache, but I think I like it the way he likes you being bull, but I think I like the mustache because you look hilarious to me with a mustache. Like a constable? Yes. That's what I've been going for. Not that I've been going for. It's just what I have. So, you know, you play the cards that you're dealt. You look good always. You're a handsome man. I think you look. look best either with a little bit of facial hair or none.

I need some. I need some. I'm arguing for then some, not a full beard. That's just my personal beard. Well, I haven't had a full beard in like a year. It's been about six months, but I'm just saying I've liked it. Yeah. I liked that change.

Yeah, I was... Slick. And I'm also saying slick does work. It works great. You know what it is? And this is something that weed taught me. I used to give myself haircuts every time I get high at night, like three in a what it is you.

I knew that about you, but I've never heard you say it. I used to have a bit about it. Right, but like, okay, right, I've never heard you say it when you weren't, maybe you were trying to be funny just there, but like I just spilled my water. You just said it like a very normal sentence. Every surrealist psychological breakdown movie has a scene with the protagonist in the middle of the night just shaving their own fucking hand. Or taking their braces out. Or their life. Yeah.

and I've done two of those in one day you hate your face I hate it yeah I hate it that's why I give myself haircuts I don't like the way that looks let me change it right now I can't wait till tomorrow

that would be ridiculous right that's all that is well the fatter and older I get which are both now the same the folder you get the folder I get that's good the folder I get the more like my face is getting bigger

and thus losing any type of definition at all and the mustache and the beard at least let you know where certain parts of me stopped and the other part of me began you know what I mean like oh that must be where his nose is because that goes above the mustache there's when I this I just literally look like baloney floating through the air going hit so hard it hits so hard it hits for everybody but me my baloney has the first name it's C-O-R-U-Y oh good he has the second name it's R-Y-A-N Guy.

Good. I'm glad I said that out loud, that I'm baloney. You are baloney. I'm about to get photoshopped like a motherfucker on to some bala. Well, I've already been photoshopped on the ham. How else can he? He's also a tow, just so if anybody wants to photoshop that. Tray loves to rub him every day.

And if you ask him why he'll say, because Corey Ryan has a way with being perfect just the way he is. It's true. It's not true, but thank you. It is true. No, here's the thing. You're talking about being funny. I want to tell you, did I tell you how this happened?

And let me just. I'm about saying, buddy. We had to start a whole new podcast. Like a whole new series. He almost did it, by the way. He almost knocked the audio off. No. But for the record, I feel like I kind of get it.

Right. But no, I just want to say this funny. This is my wife being who the fuck she is. Also, not going to listen. Hell no. She's in Savannah right now. I'm certain drunk. fuck eating bull peanuts not does not remember she's married to me at all right now last time she was

in Savannah she tried to give you a handjob under a table in front of strangers that is true strangers who worked for our publisher yeah yeah strangers colleagues strangers to her I knew who they were yeah because I kept saying hey babe I know these people quit trying to jack me off publishing my book maybe don't jack me off in front of them and we were so hammered I was too drunk not to laugh I'm just sitting there looking at laugh yeah that's all 100% true sorry continue no it's okay so the other day I went in and I was going to just trim up my beard. And I went in and I couldn't remember which guard that I normally used to do it.

And so I went in there and it was just like, I did it way too short. That happens to me all the time, buddy. Whatever. Stays happening to me. So I went in and I was like, fuck it, whatever. I'll just no guard it. And I'll just have the mustache and then I'll let this grow back in normally and then it'll fit them.

By the time I get to Sacramento, everything will look normal. Well, I come out and I've got the fucking... You got a porn sash. I did have a porn sash, but again, I'm like, this one. will grow back, it'll be fine. I come out and Amber's just like, ugh. And I was like, what she goes? You just, you look like a rapist.

And I was like, all right, that's specific. But, you know, whatever. A lot of people think porn stashes are creepy. Sure. And they are. Right. Like, some dudes can pull them off. I have way too fat of a face to do that.

Just some people can just pull anything off. Like, Maconahey's got. They do look creepy, though. Exactly. So I told her, I was like, you're right, but it'll grow up. She's like, ugh, this ain't it for me. She didn't want you to have a mustache. Right. And so she goes, just do, just shave that and then let it all grow back at once. And I was like, all right. So I go, she's telling me how disgusting I am to her at this moment. I go into the bathroom going like, all right, I'll shave my mustache. I'll make my wife happy. I go in and I shave my mustache and I come back out and she looked at me and she goes, huh, like that. And I go, what? She goes, you know, some people just need facial hair and you are one of them. So didn't hit for her before. And then I did what she asked me to do. And it hit for her.

even less. And I was like, well, good. At least the mustache is the hardest part for me to grow back. Like, that's the thing that I have the most trouble with. So, and she's just like, yeah, well, she basically gave me the like, we'll start fucking again once all this is fixed. And then she fucked off to Savannah. Joe Zimmerman had this bit about, because, you know, he's always been a beard guy. And he used to have this bit about people telling him, it's like, you look, you, you look great with that beard.

Like, you, you know, you're the type of person that needs a beard. like you look really good and he was like so basically you tell me like i look great my face looks the best when i've covered up the most of it essentially like the more that i can cover up my face that's what makes my face the best version of my face is to have it and i just butchered that and by the way you get the first i sure do and i genuinely believe like if i lost a significant amount of face weight in the next which by the way i have a significant amount of of face weight to lose. If I did that, like...

When you say face weight, you jiggle under your teeth. I know, I know. If that happened in my face just all the... Like, I didn't have these big old swirly cheeks. Your Jail's hit? I know, but what I'm saying is, I don't think I would want the mustache and the beard because, like, what I said,

like, it literally just shows where my face, what happens, like, where a, what a face is. If it was, if this was all skin... Well, you're symmetrical. So I was symmetrical. I'm a big ball. No, no, that's the definition. definition of good look of beauty yes it's symmetry you're the most symmetrical okay you're perfect

well i'm for the record so is will sasso nobody's like god damn you know who i'd fuck will sassow you know what i'm saying like he's very symmetrical and he's a he's a handsome good looking guy but he's not going to make a list you know what i'm saying no he's made some list but what i'm saying is i'm trying to agree with you like i'm saying i hear you if you lost weight you wouldn't do it because you are so symmetrical i'm symmetrical but i do the beer because i don't have a chin. When I don't have a beard... Yeah, I do.

There's three of them now. Yeah, right. When I don't have a beard... You should let him use one of your chins. I'd love for you to use one of my chins. When I don't have a beard, I look like a Civil War reenactor. Like, you know, those dudes that just have, like, their chops and their ching are, you know, just... It looks like a mad toe out there fighting for racism.

Popularized by General Burnside, who was a union colonel. Ambrose, right? He was in the union, yeah. My whole life... But he was from Virginia. Was he? Was Burnside from Virginia? I thought so. I thought most of the Virginia fought for the South.

I know for a fact that he was in the union and I said because it blew my mind because I just grew up knowing, yeah, sideburns come from General Burnside. And sideburns seemed like a very southern thing. A lot of Southerners have sideburns. And when I found out he was in the union, I was just like, oh my God, that's, that's, I just would have thought General Burnside would have definitely fought for the, fought for the Confederacy. Yeah. You know what I mean? otherwise no redneck would ever have sideburns because he tried to... He took a...

What battle was it to... I can't remember. I don't know. But all I'm saying is, yeah, you being funny. You're funny, but it's also like... It just works, man. Right, but I feel like it works. And it wouldn't work.

Remember we brought this up in front of Andrew, our would-be showrunner, his own podcast? And he immediately was like, wait, what? What? Because you were talking about... He was like, you can't lose, wait. Corey was like getting in my face. He's like, yeah, we'll see what you say. when I drop 50, you know.

And Andrew's just like off to the side and he's like, wait a minute, hold on, what? What? Yeah, and he's like, he's like, oh, you can't, you can't lose any way. Like, you're already like borderline not fat enough. Like, you cannot. Are you serious? You can't lose any weight. And I was just like fucking fist pumping.

I was like, I've been saying it. I was going to ask you, but I really, I should ask you because you're the one who needs to answer this question. Do we have to wait on you to get out there to hang out with him? Because I miss him. No, go ahead. would love to hang out with Andrew. And if I was... You're coming out soon, right?

Yes. And if I was out there, I would be hanging out with him even if y'all couldn't. So, no, by all means, please. I mean, you know, like, during the drinks or dinner, if you could call me and put me on speaker, I love to say hello. Yeah, I don't think my... FaceTime. Yeah, I don't think my app's bad enough.

Okay, what the... But I will get out of here right after I say this. I would still be a funny person if I was in shape and looked good. I'm a funny... And here's how I know. Because at one... When I first started being funny, that's... You know what I'm saying?

Like when I first realized I wanted to be a comedian, I was a decent-looking dude who wasn't overweight. I'm not saying that you wouldn't. You absolutely would, you're right, because you are very funny. I'm saying that this... Will Farrell was funny or fatter. Yes, everybody is. Then why don't you get fat?

Why don't you get fat? Like, if that's the case... Well, I mean, you know, we're on tour with you? You're the cho. You're the cho. Yeah. Also, you're a chow. You're the choo.

That's like... Yeah. Fat comes from the territory. They're fat and dumb. Every fucking time. Also, when I start to get fat, you tell me if I'm lying, I don't look like you, jolly and big and all that. I look like every drunk, bearded fat comic.

I look like every other guy. Like every comedian ever is fat the way I get fat. Yes, your face is what sets you apart, son. Show it to the world. I can't help but show it to the world. It looks like the world. I know. It does.

It looks like a globe. Why would you put a fucking Ferrari in the garage? Yeah. Get it out of the beard garage. Let your fat flag fly, baby. All right, I need to drink. Let's go to a show. Let's go.

Skew. Skew. That was a sad skew. That was a sad skew. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune it next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you.

God bless you. Good night and Skew. Oh.