wellRED podcast - #114 - Portland Weekend Recap + Voting Rights For Felons!

Episode Date: April 24, 2019

This week Drew and Corey recap the wellRED tour's INSANELY awesome weekend in Portland, and also dive in on the issue of voting rights for convicted felons. Also Mr. Butt returns Also guys just in case you weren't aware WE HAD A FREAKING ALBUM DROP THIS WEEK! Thanks so much for helping us debut at #2 on the charts!If you haven't grabbed your copy yet, you can do so at wellREDcomedy.com which is also where you can find our tour dates and grab tickets to see us on the road! This week we are proud to be sponsored by Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and use the promo code RED and you will receive your first shipment FREE (just pay 5 bucks in shipping) Love ya'll like chicken!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now, skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people, people across the skewniverse, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery, getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions,

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Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that.

Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas.

Yeah, so that was money. What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten.

If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com

slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast they're the well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well guys uh hello uh and since tray's not here here we are well read comedy dot com w e l r e comedy comedy comedy com.com. That is where you can go to check out our 2019 tour dates. This week we're going to be in Oxnard, California. Then we're off to Salt Lake City, Utah. Then Jacksonville, Florida, Orlando, Florida, New York,

New York, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Columbia, Missouri, Huntsville, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama, Asheville, North Carolina, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Traverse or Traverse City, Michigan. I'm fucking stupid. It's one of them. Detroit, Michigan. That's all at well-readcom.com. That's where you can also pick up some sweet merch like our album, well-read live from Lexington which just debuted this week at

number two on the charts. Skew. God damn number two baby. I know, buddy. So how was your flight back home? Because of the side project of some old man gamers who everybody informed me rule.

I mean they'd have to. They got like three albums in the top five right now. And it's their side project. For those of you don't know what we're talking about, we're getting beat in the charts right now by Starborn, which is a comedy-wrapping trio, who look like a Goo Goo Goo Dolls cover band. They're all about 40 to 50.

They have, like, highlights in their hair. But it's the side project of the Grumpy Gamers, aka Ninja Sex Party, which we have been informed multiple times. What, is this a side-side project? Well, the Grumpy Gamers is like what they twitch as. That's their umbrella. And Ninja Sex Party is then.

them as a music group is my understanding. That's not really a side project. It's just debut in both them worlds. God damn, we're getting beat by the fucking modern equivalent of an egot. These motherfuckers are getting so many levels. And we tried to make fun of them because all we knew was it was called Starborn. And then I saw a picture of them. And they all looked like your metrosexual uncle.

Yeah. And then I did what I considered the right thing, which is I was like, well, fuck it. I'm going to go listen to him. And here's what I'll say. It's not for me. No. But it definitely, I mean, but I get like, you know, there's a lot of stuff out there that's not for me. But it's definitely not bad.

Like, it was very well done. And I understand that they are very popular amongst, and you know more than I do, because you have nephews. Like, they're popular amongst like teenagers and young people. Well, I was telling this to our friend Bo, who I'm going to shout out soon, because we're going to talk about this weekend in Portland. Sure. And Bo's seven-year-old was there. And he's really perceptive and smart. and he said,

excuse me, I have a question. And I was like, yeah, what is it, Jasper? And he said, you tell jokes,

right? And I go, yes. And he goes, and they do rap? And I said, yeah. And he goes,

well, why are they on the same chart as you? Thank you. And I said, well, it's all under

the umbrella of comedy. Their raps are about Nintendo and it's all meant to be funny. And then he said, that sounds amazing. I want to hear it,

right? Yeah, man So what's funny about that is like to me We're obviously way cooler than these guys In their mom jeans with their Billy Ray Cyrus hair But in what actually cool means Like they're probably definitely cooler than us I mean yeah

And I was just thinking about something And hipper and there's more of them What you just said was We're definitely cooler than them And their mom jeans and their Billy Ray Cyrus haircuts I wear mom jeans and embald No you don't You do not wear mom jeans?

No. What do I wear? What do I wear? White Wine Woman jeans. Okay. And that's, that can't have kids. No, they do be having kids, but that's not what a mom gene is. Oh, right.

Mom jeans is like soccer mom jeans. Like, I'm not even trying to, I'm at least trying to look good. Yeah, yeah, it's a type of gene. I don't mean. Yeah. I'm not pulling it off at all, but I'm attempting to look good to be fashionable. You're pulling both off, undeniable. Okay.

Much like how we can't, I can no longer doubt the hittingness of Starborn based upon the amount of people who they hit for, including and not limited to other comics. Like I had one of my good friends who's very funny to be like, man, I don't know about Starborn, but Ninja Sex Party is actually pretty fucking great. And I was like, look, dude, I already ordered Starborn's T-shirts. Like, I've already conceded defeat. And I did. I got me a Starborn T-shirt. I don't know when it's going to get here because they had a back order of their new T-Shirt. shirt.

Their website just said, I guess you can fucking buy the well-read comedy album since we ain't got no shit left. If it would have said that, we might have sold some more albums. Yeah. If you haven't bought the album, man, go ahead and check it out, guys. It's $15 for a full live show.

It's basically three albums in one. And I know we've been, you know, pushing it on you guys a lot. But for real, if it's been a while since you've heard us, if you only heard us once, and that was in the last six months, these are old jokes that you wouldn't have heard before. if you're going to see us soon, you're not going to hear the jokes that are on the album, so I think you like it.

Well, another thing that I'm pleased with it is that it's a tangible item that we have, and we haven't had one of those since, well, I guess the sketch is in the book, but it's something that if you've got a friend who was going to come to the show, but they were like on the fence and, like, I mean, yeah, you could show them Trace videos, and that's great, but we've always said, well, that's not, you know, what we do. This is, this is what we do. This is the pitch that you can now make here. these guys are fucking funny come see the show but yeah you can get it at well read comedy

videos there's like you can see them and they're free and i don't even know who it is i'm making fun of there i don't understand we have almost no fans who talk like that and the very few that we do definitely bought the album already because they're rich yeah 100% hey i gotta tell you something that i don't know if it's gonna hit for you or not the people who aren't buying an album this is what they sound like just to wrap that up real quick just so i can actually do that character that it's going god damn son 15 dollars for a fucking album? Fuck that. I watch you for free on the internet. Scoo, goddamn. Fuck out, man. Leonard Skinner's on YouTube now. Fuck y'all.

Well, you should have told them that. They didn't even know. So, uh, I don't know if this is going to hit for you or not, but I was just, uh, I was just scrolling through Twitter waiting on this, uh, our recording to start. And some people would, you know, obviously tagged us from the show this weekend in Portland, which was fucking great, or the show this weekend in Portland, which were great. And I all, like, every time I see us tagged in a picture, I just assume, like, oh, I'm about to hate, this because I normally do because I normally look like a not just an idiot I'm always going to look like an idiot but I always look like a fat bloated

idiot I got to tell you I think I finally figured it out with the basketball jerseys I think I think this is my new thing I've I've looked at a picture myself and I was like dude you fuck all right this is it okay go on am I wrong I just think I hit basketball jerse I just want to put that out the universe that I need to that's what I figured out I need to wear basketball jerseys. Oh, I thought you meant my whole life I've looked terrible in basketball jerseys. No, but I have finally, you know, I just, I haven't been doing the French tuck. Right. No, no, no. I've been trying to figure out what to wear to feel confident and you would think it would be normal clothes and, but I'm not a normal person and I kind of think that like, you know,

I think basketball jerseys might be the best way for me to feel good about myself. Well, I mean, I'm certainly not going to take that from you. No, nor can't. you i think that's the point oh i maybe now you probably could yeah no i thought you look phenomenal especially because the shoes you had really matched it well and uh and your target mom jeans that aren't mom jeans yeah target white white one one jeans they're levi's right where'd you get they look like they look like someone that would have just named their son levi that's what they are where did you get i got them at target i had to go to target to get god damn it had to get i had to get I had to get something.

I think I had to S.D. There's an R or something. It's like... Well, they're Levi's. You know, they'd just be everywhere. I could have bought Levi's at the mall. They'd have been the same ones, I think. I don't think so.

Not that brand. Was it called Denizen? Yeah, I was called Denizen. That sounds like a fucking Secretary of State. That's the French word for working class, man. Oh, for real? No, I'm just fucking with you, Corey. I've been fucking with you there ever since you told me any of this.

So for background, Corey told me about his jeans, and I was looking I was like, man, I like those. And he was bragging about how they're stretchy. He was calling them jogging pant bridges. They're sweatpants. Which is what Dene Dane Dane wore. Mammont Dene wore jogging pants that looked like jeans. They were her favorite jeans.

These are Dane Dieneson? Yeah, those are Deneasins. Man, you got to get the air Dendan's, which is just like flip-flops, but you got to buy them a size too big and a size too small. Because on one foot, size too big, you got a bunion. Other foot, size too small, you lost all your toes in the sugar wars. Right. You're going to wear those.

Air Denizens. Air Dean Deanson. Air Dean Danes. And then jogging pant breeches. Well, anyway, Corey was telling me about them. And I was like, man, that was cool. I think I'm going to get me some of them. Show me where do you get them?

And he goes, Target. And then I just, just because I knew, just because I knew it would bother you for no other reason. I go, oh, Target, never mind. And you were correct. Right. So that's why I'm pretending like Denizen. I have no idea what Denison is. is, dude. Well, it just, honestly, this is probably a credit to you when you said that's French

for working class. I sincerely thought, oh, Drew's been like research, like the joke that you do, I was like, Drew's been researching other countries appropriating working class culture, and he actually knew that. Like, I was giving you credit for like, look at my man over here. He's really fucking going in. Gary Goldman's style on this joke. Well, I was going to say, it's so wild to me when I talk to you about my jokes, or you talk about my jokes, I should say, just what it is you think I do? Like, where you just say, well, I guess you just sit down, you research other countries and how they treat their working class people. And like, it's a, I take it as a compliment for the most part. I mean, you know, I'm a comedian.

I can turn it into an insult pretty easily. But it's just like in your mind, I sit down with a dictionary. No, not even like what? At Wikipedia, I'm not even sure. I sit down and read the New Yorker. Well, I mean, not for nothing, but the closer that I'm doing, about the Civil War, I want to make it tighter and better and have more parts to it. And I've literally been re-watching this Ken Burns Civil War documentary just for that reason. Like, I've got, Amber got on to me when I got home because I've got just little post-it notes just scattered all over the living room that just say, like, racist musket and just shit like that. Buddy, don't think I won't do it. And that I'm not doing that.

Matter of fact, there's a joke I've had. This is one we can talk about. And I'll tell the joke on the air because it's actually a short joke. It's part of the joke you're talking about. So it's part of a longer bit. But the line is the first thing the cool kids took from our people is trucker hats. I don't know if you guys know what we call those where we're from, but we call them hats. Those are just hats, you assholes.

You don't need a special hat to drive a truck. How the fuck do you think trucks work, Tristan? Well, there's actually a reason we call them trucker hats. Do you know what it is, Corey? Well, I had to assume. Let me just do some, we call it bro-science when you just start waxing poetic about a subject you have no fucking idea about, but you think you're right. Right, go ahead. If I had to guess, it started because back in the day, truck drivers were driving long hours and air conditioners in trucks were not as good as what they are now, and they would sweat.

And so the back of the hats, they ventilated more. And so it would just hit harder for them. No. Okay, damn, I really was like, I'm about to fucking nail it. If it were that, I perhaps would have gotten rid of the joke. Are you eating? Okay. You can't eat on this system, Corey.

I wasn't eating. I was scratching my head. Wow. This system was really something. Oh, man. It really heard me scratching my head? Yeah. Well, I mean, think about my head.

You probably just heard it from fucking Burbank. Right, that's true. So, back in the day, co-ops and feed supply company, who would travel around the co-ops and sell their wares, which is how comedian Jerry Clower got his start. Oh, I see where this is going. Continue. When they started making merch to give out as free advertising,

which was probably a big deal back in the day. I just missed or butted, but you couldn't hear because I did it into the mic that I'm putting in, so I just want to let everybody know that was my butt. Wait a minute. You farted into a mic, but not the right mic? No, because, well, you didn't hear the podcast last week. The audio that they're going to hear from me actually isn't coming from the mic. you're hearing me on i'm recording on my own personal h6 so it will truly sound like we're both

just sitting next to what you're telling me is that the audience will hear that fart but i didn't get to yep and it was a fucking good one this truly is your perfect move anyways co-op jerry yeah jerry clower if you don't know jerry clower is look him up jerry clowler used to be a salesman of fertilizer and he would go around all the co-ops in the south to sell his fertilizer but he was so good at his presentation that they had to like start selling tickets to it and shit because he was so funny and then that ended up leading him becoming a stand-up comedian. Anyway, on that same circuit, these salesmen would come around, they'd give out free hats. The same reason anybody who gives out merch like that does, just free advertising.

And who comes to co-op farmers and the occasional truck driver who's dropping off stuff. So they started wearing the hats. And then trucker hat came from just people obsessed. observing truckers wearing a certain style of hat and then calling them trucker hats, which is obviously fine. But I kept the joke because I was like, that still feels a little bit like ignorant people seeing truckers and being like, well, I guess that's a special hat you have to wear. And also, why ain't it called farmer hats?

We have farmer tanes. Sure. Trucker tan is just the one part of your arm. Right. Yeah, you got one real dark arm. Yeah, dude. My buddy, my buddy's savin on our. away to Panama City Beach. He got fucked up and held his arm outside of the car for like

eight hours and he got sun poisoning just on his fucking arm. It was rough, dude. It was blistered like a dog's asshole. I feel bad for Savin in that moment, but now that it's years later, I'm super happy that a man named Savin got a sun blister on the way back from Panama City because that sounds exactly what 1998 should have been. Absolutely. I guess it was more like 2004. It was probably we actually 2000 and yeah it could have been right 2004, 2005 something like that

shout out Panama City what's up well shout out Portland what's up we did have a good weekend I said we were going to get back to that

shout out to my good friend Beau Matthews I don't think he'd mind me saying his name on the podcast and David Chin

his husband his boyfriend his partner I don't know I got really uncomfortable because I'm not sure what label

they prefer but they have I don't think they particularly we don't have to worry about them they don't care and they're not

listening to the fucking podcast because they have of course not. No, there's hell no. But they let me stay with them. The motherfucker talking about owning a restaurant he ain't been to in goddamn five years. That's some bitch ain't listening to our bullshit right now.

I met Bo. We met Bo backstage at a Largo show. He had on a Dolly Parton shirt. It was the night Adam Sandler came and did our show and everybody was trying to talk to Adam Sandler, which I wanted to talk to Adam Sandler too. I'm not pretending like I was above that. But, you know, you couldn't get a word in edgewise. And then I just saw, you know, this little gay man in the corner wearing a Dolly Parton T-T shirt. I was like, well, I'm going to talk to him.

And now we're buddies, and he lets me stay with him when I go to Portland, and he always feeds us. And Lord, Corey, after you left, we ate so much ham. Yeah, I saw that picture, and I was super jealous. You should have been. Did you all? Did you all have like an Easter spread going on? Yeah, man, we had it all. That's so rad. It was pretty rad.

What was your favorite thing about the weekend? Man, I mean, sincerely probably just hanging out with Bo just because it, you know, it was one of the, now that we've hung out with, bow like three or four times it was it's seeing an old friend and he's very uh one of the most hospitable him and his husband both david two of the most hospitable people on earth so being able to go over there and have shrimp cocktail on the porch and eat patte and just watch people walk by was probably my most okay i can take a breath for a second but you know i'd be lying if i didn't say that the nike store didn't also hit for me very hard which is where you got basketball jerseys which you just figured out

Yeah, I just figured it out. I think it was, ultimately, I think that was Trey trying to make me not hit and therefore hit for him, but it does hit for me, which I will probably still hit for him. You can't win with him. Well, that's his all-time favorite move, is if it don't hit for you, it hits for him. But he also, because he's a dad, if it does hit for you, that hits for him. Yeah, that's true. It's just always hits for him. No, I had fun at Nike, but.

yeah no that's right because i am his child uh i enjoyed i just love i love portland just because it's you know it's obviously not quite nashville in terms of feeling like home because nashville is truly very close to home and i see a lot of people that i know but like there's certain clubs over the past three years that we go to and we've built a relationship with them we've done really well there and not only the staff at the helium in portland which is amazing and if even if we're not there if you're in portland listen to this you should go um uh uh you're to that club and see shows all the time because they're fantastic. But also, like, our fans are just tremendous.

There's a lot of, a lot of people just straight up from Portland who know us and love us and bring us goodies and cakes and cookies and joints and hats and stuff, but also the... We got on a heater there in the meeting greet line. Oh, my God. To back to back. Like, people just kept topping each other. Yeah, we said that night.

I think that was, like, Friday earlier something. Like, that was, I don't know what show it was, but, like, It might not have been the best meet and greet ever, but it definitely, we had the three best in a row that came up, like one, two, three, like that you can't beat what happened. We had an old boy and his wife. He was from Alabama. She was from somewhere up there.

And he started telling us about how much he identified with us and how growing up in Alabama, he goes, you know, I mean, I liked blacks. You know what I mean? I just felt like. And it was so funny because we were like, buddy, we're in Portland you don't have to whisper that anymore and we were just like oh wow that's crazy that you do have to whisper that

right it's it was like the opposite of what uh mehons do when they whisper about the blacks in a different way when they go like you know you know he's black he knows James Myers who if you go back all the way on the podcast I said I have I know two kinds of people who support Donald Trump, old people and insane people, and my friend James is insane, I think he was just doing it as a joke. But he had a joke that I always love where people whisper Mexican. Yeah, yeah. This girl, she whispers, they're Mexican. Why are you whispering? It's not racist to say someone's Mexican. It's racist to whisper someone's Mexican. Yeah. A hundred percent. That's fucking hilarious. Then right after that, the, okay.

he also said he was going to name a weed strand after us. Yes, I was wondering, I was curious. I was like, that was the same guy that owns a couple of weed stores in Washington State, correct? Yes, and now that I'm thinking about it, he might have been second, because I feel like that was the second most hit-in-est. Yeah, the first, to me, I think, was, oh, punk and chunking boy. Oh, I thought that was the hitnist. That's what I meant.

Oh, yeah. Is I know what I said? If I didn't say that, that's what I meant. That was definitely the hit-ness for me. What was the third? we'll tell punk and chunk in a second it was a lady well for me it was this lady named

Paula and trego oh my mama's named Paula and then without missing the beat she goes woo way I love pills because she knew the story and Trey's mama and she was just like yeah that's what I got in common with her named Paula loving pills

and we talked to her for about 10 minutes and I have to say I don't think she was bullshit and I think that lady loved pills I will say Paula probably bullshit's a lot in her life but not about that most paula's do but yeah no hell no you don't just throw out i love pills and be like you know actually i don't like pills all that much right and then this dude who's a redneck from morgan didn't he live by or on an island yeah it was man okay the thing about him was he it was one of

those situations it was kind of like the movie blazing saddles the first time i saw it i was like i'm going to see this again there were too many hits coming at me i think i missed some stuff well he was screaming about being a redneck talking about talking about Just about how what he said was I have a theory that I can make anyone realize that being a redneck's fun. Yep. And we were like, yeah, we agree, but go on. And then he says, well, we have a pumpkin and squash patch. And every fall, we get out our pumpkin chunkers, which are these catapults they've built.

And then he looks at his wife and says, how did he say it? She can hit a Volkswagen at full sports. speed from 80 feet. With a squash. With a squash. Yeah. Yeah, dude. And I immediately was just like, can we just fucking say fuck these shows and go do this shit?

Because that sounds like a lot of fun. That's all I wanted to do. Well, what else did you do over the weekend? We got a lot of weed getting to us by my good friend, Sheena, who works for Lucky Lion weed dispensary. I think I said that right. Yeah, we got to hang out with a, we got to hang out with my dad, which. was super rad. He was with us all weekend doing some filming and whatnot.

That was super cool. I got to show him around. He's been with us on, you know, some of our southern jonks and whatnot. But that was the first time. It felt really cool. You know, we got to fly Dad out, you know, on the dime and show him around. I got to take him to his first weed store. And it was super funny because, number one, a thing that Dad does is I think we've referenced

this Carlos Miller bit a lot on this podcast. And if you don't know Carlos Miller, Carlos Miller is a very hilarious stand-up comedian. He was on Wild Nout, and he's a black gentleman, and he talked about how redneck white dudes, you know, if you ever make the mistake, basically, of asking them how they're doing, you better just fucking pull up a chair

because they're going to tell you exactly how they're doing and they're going to overshare. And they're being super nice, so you don't want to be a... That's like my dad in a nutshell. Like, we'll be at the airport, and the TSE agent will be like, hey, how you doing, sir? And instead of just being, like, good to see you. And then moving on to the X-ray machine,

dad's like, oh, well, shit, I guess I got a, oh, I'm just flying with my son. You know, he's in this comedy tour. And, like, he paid for me to come here. Can you believe that? Ain't things good? And everybody's like, all right, move it along. Motherfucker, goddamn.

Well, he was doing that shit at the weed store, too. He had every question in the world for this son of a bitch. He was just absolutely in. He was over there. Corey, come look at this. I'm like, yeah, dad, that's a jar of weed. That's what they have here at the weed store is a jar of weed. Okay.

Go ahead. No, that was it. Go ahead. Your dad has a curious mind. unreal curious and it's childlike in its breadth the amount of things he's curious about

and you don't possess that but you have a childlike wonder of all things that hit exactly so I do feel like you've gotten that from him it's just manifested slightly differently and that's a beautiful thing every time

I realize something and I won't say negative about myself but something that I could perceive maybe too much for people is always dad does something i go oh jesus christ and then i go oh fuck i do that exact same shit he's just he hits way harder than me when he does it right but yeah no also i just wouldn't take that because like for me i'm looking at how life is and i'm thinking uh getting through life i mean the best way to get through it is to give a fuck about something especially things that are innocuous because then they can't really break your heart well that's what your

dad just does all day long. It's just constantly give a shit about something. That's beautiful. You know what I give to give a shit about like a table and where it came from? I mean,

that feels, I feel like that'd be a good way to spend 30 minutes if you gave a fuck about it, but I just don't. Well, dad's childlike wonder is also dangerous because he has, he has like the most supreme case

of ADD I've ever seen. Like, he almost got hit by like three cars in Portland just because he was running out in the road. And I was like, dad, watch out. There's cars coming.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry, I've never been here before. I was like, on a street. Like, they all still work. Yeah, on Earth. Like, I hear you, you've never been to Portland, but, like, people still drive on the right side of the road and very fast.

What if they didn't? What if that was like, that Portland was like, this is how we're going to set our fucking city apart. We're going to start driving on the wrong side of the damn road. Look, we drive down the middle. Unicycles are on the left. Everybody knows that.

And over to the ride. Everybody just cries all the time. That's where we cry. That's fine. Well, that was a Portlandia sketch once upon a time. It was just Armisen driving around, screaming at people bike lane i'm in the bike lane and like by the end of it he's like behind a dumpster screaming about the bike lane or he's like inside a store screaming about the bike lane that checks out

very much and is very armison yeah and it it checks out but i want to say that portland definitely has two sides to it and it is very weird it is very hipstery but there's a lot more going on than just portlandia if that's all you know about it you know you don't know enough the only beef I have with Portland is that they stole Austin, Texas slogan.

The slogan is keep Austin weird or keep Portland weird. Now there's perhaps an argument out there that Louisville originated, originated, originated that. Yeah, originated, yeah. I don't know if I buy it. Is Louisville

that weird? I mean, to me, Louisville's weird, but in a way that's like, yeah, y'all are copying Austin, Texas. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know if y'all, I think y'all's thing was whiskey, and then you're like, hey, look, younger people don't drink whiskey. We got to, like, bring some other type of influence in here.

Let's be fucking weird. Let's paint the side of a building with some titties, and they're like, that hits. Right. And young people do drink whiskey. It's just, you know, not the expensive, nice shit you make. And I get that you're too good for Fireball, but I'm just not sure you get a steal slogans.

But who knows if Louis will steal it. What I do know is Portland. Very stole it from Austin. I got confirmation on that from a journalist, so I know it's true, on live television. That's true. Yeah, and you know that journalists on live television have never steered any of us wrong. Well, I do know that someone on live television in Portland with an entirely Northwest, Pacific Northwest audience, wouldn't admit to a crime of such magnitude if it weren't 100% true. Yeah, that's actually, yeah, you're right.

Friday morning we went on A.m. Northwest. You can get on our social media and see the clip of it. She commented on Corey's hat, not first, very much second. Second thing she commented on. And I said, did you steal that from Austin? She copped to it. But let's talk about what she first commented on, not your hat and not a basketball jersey. No.

Yeah, so I went on live television wearing a bathrobe. You do. Why do you do that? Well, first off, there was a couple schools of thoughts on it for me. I was under the impression, mainly because we had talked about it the day before, that we were all going to go on morning radio in some form of character. We were going to do some form of accent. I had just chosen British, I think, and when you mean, you did, you were going to red it up,

and Drew was going to be Scottish. Well, the next morning we get down there. Trey was going to be Scottish. Yeah, Trey was going to be Scottish. I can't do those accents. a way that is convincing. Right. And as it often is, oh, hey little buddy, quit jingling around home.

Let me take his goddamn collar off. Come here, pal. Please do. I can't hear you. All right, there we go. You won't be able to hear that on the actual recording, but it's annoying. So we were going to do that. And I was getting up that morning.

I didn't, we got drunk the night before. We barely slept. And as I was getting up, I realized I was like, I don't have any fucking energy, dude. I don't know what's going on. And I just saw the bathrobe and I was like, okay, this will be crazy. if I put this bathrobe on, that'll be wild. And I'll get my energy up because I'm being crazy and I got to defend it. And I immediately get into character mode.

And it worked. Hell, it worked on radio. I wasn't even doing my British accent, but I felt pumped. I was crazy. People were commenting on the bathroom. And it was just something that I could talk about other than the – because, you know, normally when we do radio, we get asked a lot of the same questions, not all the time, but a lot of times we just keep repeating the origin story.

I'm like, let's fucking spice it up. So I go on, I'm wearing my bathroom. And Trey decides as he off. does in the mornings and I don't blame him I'm not trying to talk shit about him he has some kind of condition where he don't hit for within four hours of him waking up I don't know what it's called but he just can't he just can't hit so he's like the obvious joke is being an asshole that's right he's a huge guy but not really he's just not a morning person he's not a morning person but it ain't like his body doesn't wake up but it ain't like duane eyes I don't want your

he made it sound like our boy has like you know something he's got to take pills for which, you know, trust me, if he did, he would. Well, I'll tell you what it is. This actually is kind of really what it is, is that nobody's a morning person of us three, really, but I'm really good at lying about it, and we know that Trey famously cannot lie. I actually am a morning person.

I suck at night. That's why I struggled at the end of shows in the meet and greet line, and everyone's like, you look tired. Are you mad? What's wrong to you? And I'm like, I'm sorry. I just look like this right now. And actually, you know what?

Me and you talk about it all the time with Trenna at Bowes. surprisingly, when I, now, let me preface it by saying this, when I am getting the correct amount of sleep at the right hours, I prefer the mornings too. Like, if I'm tired at 10 o'clock at night and I feel myself drifting off, in that moment, I'm so happy because I know that I'm going to wake up at like 6.30 feeling pretty decent. And those are my favorite hours of the day for creativity. I can actually talk to my, like, I can't talk to my mom at 11 p.m. at night and go hang out and have lunch, but I'm going to get to see everybody.

and I don't know, I think it's nice too, but I also gotten fucked up the night before, as had Trey, and he's not able to fake anything because he just, no poker face at all. So he balked on the whole idea, and I'm, but I'm already in a robe. I'm already in a bathrobe,

and I was like, well, fuck it. So we get in the green room, and there's, you know, some people there that were also going on the show, and I just decided, well, I've got to start staying in character now, and that's just kind of how that went. One, some authors who wrote Young Adult Fiction,

And it was called, was it called the Raven? It was called the Raven. And it was like, it was something to do. And another one who was a prosecutor, and she did not want to talk to us, and I didn't want to talk to her, so that was fun. Yeah, that was great. And then somebody else there who was making Ronnie White. They were going to be in the kitchen. And I was trying to get character back there, too.

And I was trying, I was modeling my character after DJ, but I realized as I started doing it in the green room, but big 80% of DJ is how he smells and looks. And I wasn't pulling that part off. and cusses and says things that you can't say on TV. Right, because I was having some killer one lines back. I could have said this line. My favorite one was somebody said something about Austin. Wow, Austin came up back there too. Maybe because of the hat conversation.

And I go, Austin, my cousin? And the authors looked at me because they very thought we were, I mean, they thought you were British for sure, and they thought I was being as red as I was acting and drunk, which I might have still been drunk, to be fair. I was definitely still a little buzzed up and definitely because I had taken a weed gummy to go to sleep, but that was only at like, you know, 3.30 or 4 in the morning. I was still very much high.

Did you enjoy yourself? You could smell. Oh, man. I mean, for what it's worth. Like, obviously there was a lot of me that was like, I really wish that I was still in bed. But like, if you're going to get up and do morning, I just, if you're going to get up and do morning radio and you're going to do television, just fucking. The only thing you can try to do is have fun. And I think that, you know, I did.

I had as much fun as I could. And then we went and had biscuits with Dad and Nick. I had a great time. Yeah, I had a good morning. Pretending to be drunk and pretending that you were British. I enjoyed it all. I will say I felt a little guilty when the journalist before, her name is Helen, before the show started, started commenting on the Comedy Central sketch,

specifically the one I wrote about going to a restaurant with Andy. And I, because, like, for me, the idea of that bit, and Trace said this too, and I should say this in his defense. I agree with him. People don't know who you are. You go on television, they're just there doing their job. Someone tells them they're going to interview a comedian.

They don't care. And so you fuck with them. But this lady had done research, cared a lot, you know, but we still have fun. You know, I don't think she was mad.

And she knew you relying the whole time because she had seen you on other stuff. Absolutely. And like, yeah, no, I get Tray's point too. It's just like,

we'd already said we was going to do that and that's just all it was for me. You know what I'm saying? I wore a guy. damn robe, I'm all speaking a British accent. And if I find out that we offended that lady, I will apologize and feel very terrible about it. But I still maintain...

We crushed, and she loved it. I was about to say, I still maintain that it was good television, and that's really all she cares about. Yeah, we didn't cuss? We were... No, we didn't cuss. And if somebody was... If somebody was clicking through the channels and they just saw us, they might stop,

but if they see us plus a dude in a bathrobe speaking in a British accent, they're definitely at least going to stop for a second and that's all television is. So I don't feel, I don't think I did anything that was like, I definitely wasn't being rude on purpose. I was just being the show. Well, British people can't be rude anyway. I mean, that's the beauty of it. Right, for sure. Definitely not on purpose.

Right. What about, so, but here's the problem. Now you've got to one-up yourself, right? That's the thing about, that's another thing about television and the entertainment industry. The people want to know, what's the show going to do next? Okay. In Portland. in 2000, whatever year it is, you go on TV in a bathrobe,

you pretend to be British, that's cool, man, we really appreciate that. We think it's very funny, but what's coming next time? What did you do for me lately? What's the show's next move? Are you going to go on, you know, this time in just a bath towel? You know, that's one way to up the game. Are you going to get a tattoo on live television? Like, you're going to bring a chicken with you?

Like, what's up? Well, I mean, I got to tell you something. I don't hate that chicken idea, but you're right, and it's funny that you say that because, like, I actually have thought about that because somebody commented on the video. It was a picture of Tom Seguera, you know, dressed out as DJ, whatever it is, that his character that he does from his on TV. And I told him straight up, I was like, Tom Seguer was a direct inspiration into this,

like without a doubt. Oh, yes. Because it looks like the most fun he's ever had. Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, that's such a great idea. Like make it fun for you and then it'll be fun for everybody. Because, like, it's better to do that than it is to go on there, not in a good mood, just stone face like, yeah, I'm going to be here tonight.

Yeah. I am a little disappointed you broke character. I am too, Drew, but in my defense, and you couldn't see this in the video, they start, she said something about rednecks and or, did she say there weren't no rednecks in Oregon? Is that what she said? No, she just said, what would be different? If I come down to the south, what would be different? What would be different about it down there?

You know, if I came from here and your whole point was like, well, what do you mean? It's the same here. The cities are liberal and full of people who are. super hip and smoke cigarettes that they roll themselves and they wear denim and leather and fucking whatever and they have mullets and then you go out in the country and everyone still has a mullet and wears denim but they talk different and then you made the point i said yeah uh daggum tanya harding's here tanya harding's from oregon uh and that's a very redneck thing to do is uh uh uh oh is uh hello what happened hello oh no oh no we got cut off at corey so

well before that happened what the fuck are we talking about we talking about we talking about you were defending what you see you were about to explain what you said when you broke character from the british bathrobe man into full on corey forester red face it's it's so funny because this part got cut off of the telecast too and it just feels now like there's just some spirit out there that doesn't want me to ever say this but it was just me saying like yeah man tanya harding's from here and pulling off a skate and stabbing somebody with it which i'm aware that tanya harding actually never did but he's like pretty fucking red like tanya Harding is, I don't know, well, I mean, we did make a, in our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie at the Dark, we've made a sort of Mount Rushmore of Rednecks and she wasn't on it, but mainly just because she wasn't from the South.

I mean, Tanya Harding, God damn, if you've seen that movie and you've heard her an interview, she's read as fuck and she's from Oregon. Yeah, I don't think she'd be on the Mount Rushmore of Rednecks, but like she'd be in the Hall of Fame, like the Circle of Honor at the stadium. Yeah. You know? I agree. We'd put her on like a commemorative coin, but not the full. five dollar bill she'd be on a big ass cup i guarantee you she is on a commemorative coin which is yeah literally if you just need one qualification for being a redneck if somebody's on a commemorative

coin i guess there's some real not rednecks on commemorative coins yeah yeah a plate if you're on a paper plate if you're on a plate you're a fucking redneck paper plate yeah yeah commemorative paper play that's a good idea you said uh in last week's we worked start selling prison belts we aren't start selling commemorative paper plates prison bills commemorative paper plates paper weights but it's just an old boot we got all kinds of ideas old bags of tobacco you can smell yes spit cups that are already used and we say they're used by like delernhart but they weren't it was just my dad corn dog tie chicken belt those are my favorite those are my favorite outtakes of you you're at corn dog It smells exactly like you'd think it would.

Throwbacks. You know what I want to do? You want to sell commemorative paper plates, old boot paperweights, and... Talk about sex. Okay. I want to talk about sex. Yes. Do you remember the days when you were always ready to go back in those days when you had a good back and a good dick?

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I know you do. I, I will say. you know, good dick days, that's a festival I'd go to. Yeah, hell yeah. It's only about 10% of the year, but sometimes I wake up and I'm like, I tell you what? You got a good dick. You're having yourself. It's having a good dick day right here.

It's like it's not a good dick, but it's every dog has its day. Yeah, whalen, aka Rick, aka Duayrick, aka Doug. Yeah. Friend of the podcast, editor, Lord. Illustrator. Illustrator. Yeah, Lord. I.

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There's nothing wrong with that. No. No, Robbie coined the term, I think, unless he read it somewhere. But I don't think he did because Robbie don't be really. reading stuff. He coined the term Dickle Ganger. And Dickle Gangers for a deal for it looks like yours? Yeah, it's where you're watching a porno and you're like, now hold on now.

Huh. Yeah, it's happened to me. Now, don't get me wrong. Size was not, you know, there been some short dudes look like me in the face. You know what I'm saying? But like just everything else about it. I'd love to meet my Dickle Ganger. Yeah. And us both know. We have the same shirt on so it's extra weird.

Yeah. Just both at some German beer festival. You just have like some weird attraction to this deer. Like, hey man, there's something. Something's bringing us together. I don't know what it is. And he's like, pull your dick out. You both do.

Well, yeah, you'd have to look. Yeah, some Captain Planet thing happens and y'all save the world. Buddy, if I go to a German beer festival, as I often do, and someone asks me to get my dick out, as they often do. But then we end up saving the world, I mean, that'd just be, he couldn't top that. You'd have to go out, go out on top. If someone asked you at a German beer festival to get your dick out, the first thing you would say is, again? Yeah, yes, that's happened a lot.

That's what I'm saying. You've been to Octoberfest, haven't you? Not in Germany, if that's what you mean. I thought you had. Why don't I think you had? Well, I went to Munich in all those places, but I did it in, I want to say, early September, late August, after I got married. So, yeah, I mean, you know, I went two weeks before it started. It was a good move by me.

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Terms apply. See Capital One.com for details. I've been wanting to do that. I've been wanting to... I mean, I just want to go... I mean, I want to go to Europe. I just want to get the fuck out. I've never been outside of the country aside from Canada, which don't count.

You've never been to Mexico? No, man, I've never been to Mexico. And I mean, I've been on cruises and stuff, but again, everything I've ever done that don't count. Cruises don't count. Canada count. Of course they don't. But Canada don't count the way Europe counts. Yeah.

But cruises don't count. I'm trying to go to child. Yeah, man. That would hit. And that kind of almost goes against the opposite of like all my core beliefs and neuroses because like China is so goddamn packed and I do not like as much of the show as I am and as much as I love people and being the party guy. I really prefer only three people near me at all times. And I just think that there's literally nowhere you could go in China except maybe to sleep where you're only surrounded by three people. but Delta is doing something right now where you can go over there for super cheap

and I'm just like fuck I like noodles. That sounds like a trap. A trap? Every time I see an ad where you can, get them all over here. Yeah, every time I see an ad where you can fly to a specific country that hits for super cheap, I'm like, okay, what's going on in Ireland right now? Why is it so cheap to go there? There's something we didn't hear about over here on CNN because we've had 24-7 news coverage

of the fact that Pete Gutt Judge, whatever the fuck his name is, can speak French, or Trump's an asshole, which we all fucking. No, no, there's probably a bomb or something going off in Ireland. And now you're trying to get me to go over there for $200. I'm not fucking falling for this shit. I'm going to get over there. You're going to inscript me into your goddamn army because I have a red beard. And I'm going to be like, what the fuck?

I'm American. And you're going to be like, this one's crazy. Man, I know we hadn't been talking about politics on here at all today. But you just brought up Pete. Pete, but I really, I'm not trying to be an asshole. I genuinely don't know. Do you know how to say it? I think it's Buttegegg.

Budigigig. Budigig. Budig. Budagagug. Budagug. Uh, yeah, I think,

I think he may have, I think he may, he lost it for me today. Yeah, I mean, he lost it for me a long time ago, but go ahead.

Well, he, I mean, there were some things from a while that have been going on where I was like, nah,

I'm not with that, but like, I just thought it was like, how, to be clear, everyone listening, we mean in the primaries, we will literally vote

for a sweet potato. Absolutely. It runs against Donald Trump. Oh, my God. A sweet, not even a regular potato. Regular potato, we'd make king, but a sweet potato. It was the, he was asked about

prison votes and he just basically came out and was just like, no, you know, that's part, look, part of the crime is you lose some of your rights and you don't get to be, you don't get to vote anymore. And like, I will, I'll go this far as to say, like, when you're in prison, okay. Okay, so hold on, I've been clarified on Twitter. Someone has told me that he meant, that he's later clarified or whatever that he meant. lose them while you're in prison and then be reinstated depending on the crime. Now that to me is literally the baseline.

That changes everything for me because I, you know, there's the argument made about like if they're, you know, they're being camp. Just because like you are in prison, you are being, at that point, you are being punished and certain things are taken away from you. So for punishment, that's why people shouldn't be allowed to have a say in the country that they live in. is for punishment. Whatever. I'm not saying that's completely right. I'm saying that I can understand that more than I can understand once you get out, then you shouldn't have it reinstated because, dude, people like that,

and that's, you know, the far right, they're the most, well, God damn it, if you didn't want to do it, just if you can't do the crime, don't do the time, whatever the fuck. And that's just never made sense to me because, okay, I hear you, but now you're out, like you're out and you're trying to participate in this world. And if we keep continuing to treat them like second-class citizens, Don't be surprised when they fucking act like one and go back to jail, which of course is what they're banking on and we all know that. That's what they want.

Well, that's what I think. They don't want them to come out and immediately participate in the economy. They want them to fucking re-offend and get back in the goddamn system. Where you can put them to work now legally and then tax them. And that's one of my things. Legalized slavery. Yes. And that's sort of my point is if you're in that system, you know, people go, well, we could change the system, but we haven't yet.

If you're in that system, if the government. government says you did a crime, so you have to go away for a certain amount of time. And then while you're there, we're going to control who can call you and when. We're going to control, I mean, look, dude, my own fucking brother got accused of assault by a female guard. He said he bumped her. He went in the hole for two weeks while they, quote, unquote, investigated. Went through all the video and found out that he didn't touch her because, of course he didn't. And then they said, well, that's okay.

your two weeks were for disobeying orders or whatever. Retroactively, after you'd already served the two weeks, they said your punishment for disobeying was the two weeks in solitary that you've already served. And my argument, and obviously it's personal for me,

but my argument's always been, the government as soon to decide shit like that is okay. You should be allowed to help pick the government. I mean, you of all people, have so much more at stake. And I just don't want to live in a place where a government can say, you did a crime you have to go away

and then you can't participate in this government I mean that's fascism to me I mean I understand I know that's like oh that's an extreme example

well fuck you I'll give you an extreme example because everyone's like and I've even said it on Twitter today you know well you know sometimes selling weed

if it's like the third time that's a felony should those people not be allowed to vote but fuck that let's say you joined a gang when you were 16 and you were doing

straight up gang shit and you went to prison at 17 as an adult which happened all the time because of your gang affiliation. And once in prison, and this is a pretty common story, you educate yourself, learn a lot, write books,

get out and become a community organizer, and you're like one of the leaders in your own community against gangs or violence or whatever. You shouldn't be allowed to vote, and then like I've said, I'll take it further. You should be allowed to vote while you're in there. That's just me. And that's perfectly fair.

and honestly now that you say it the way that you just said it, and now that I read things like they're still counted on the census in the state that they're in, which means that their just existence ensures electoral college votes and how many a state has, then yeah, they're clearly just by existing participating in government anyways, so why shouldn't they be able to have a say? But let's just say that's all bullshit. My whole thing that I think is just a clear and simple argument on why once you get out, you should be able to participate in the government.

is because by them letting you out, that is them saying, all right, you are able to go out into this world. Now, you have been, quote, unquote, rehabilitated, and we have deemed that you are no longer a threat to society. So you're saying that you trust a prisoner enough to go out there and work and be amongst the people, but then you're like, whoa, whoa, hold on, we can't let them vote. They did crime. That doesn't make any goddamn sense to me. Either they are able to participate in the government. If you don't believe that they are capable of doing that, then that person shouldn't be walking amongst us because you've deemed them unfit. So I don't understand that.

If you deem them fit to go out and rejoin society, part of society, one of the biggest parts of society, especially in the past two and a half goddamn years, and you and me know this more than a lot of people we grew up with, is fucking politics. And it is who we elect and it is this entire system. So, yeah, fuck you, man. Fuck that whole bullshit. If you're out, you should be able to vote. And honestly, now that you just said what you said to me and the stuff I've read today, if you're in, you should be able to fucking vote. Yeah. And I mean, there's other arguments and, you know, people can sound off on Twitter or whatever they want.

I've already muted a conversation I was in. Not because it was going badly. It was actually going really well. I had a really bunch of, like I also observed a lot of healthy disagreements between and among some of our fans. But to me, that line of once you get out, it should be reinstated. That should be the, that should be the baseline right now. Right, that shouldn't even be a thing that we're talking about. Yeah, because what you said just makes, it just makes so much sense, you know.

I don't, like, I can't wrap my head around how you could tell any sane person. Because like I said, if you don't think they're suited enough to vote, they shouldn't even be fucking walking around. They're clearly not right. If someone who is out and, you know, they've been reinstated, we've decided, like, they don't get a vote, but if you own a PT Cruiser, you could vote. Yeah, 100%, dude, fuck those people. You don't make good decisions, you know? you've heard us all by having to look at this fucking car. It's a monstrosity.

But for so many people. It's not good for you or me. Like you clearly voted against your interest when you bought that fucking car. How am I supposed to trust you with a senator situation? I agree with you. And for not every case of somebody in prison, I mean, obviously there are truly terrible people in prison that just decided fuck everything. I'm going to be a bad person.

But there's a lot of people, especially the ones that I know in my life that have been to prison, they went there as a direct result of either the system failing them or being treated by the world as a second class citizen and not having a choice but to that's just that's just how it was like crime was going to be the only thing and agency that's what you're talking about because that's what voting is is giving someone agency to have some power over their own fucking life exactly so they go in they're probably messed up in all this bullshit because as a kid they didn't have representation in their own family they didn't have another fucking way out and people were shitting on them just like well you guys that what happens

if you're poor you should have more money dumb ass pull your stuff you're stuff up by the bootstraps and then they go in and they serve their time and then they get back out and they're like hey by the you remember us we still we still don't think your shit why why on earth would that person ever think oh you know what I better be nice to everybody and I better treat the government with respect they clearly like me well that's like a practical way of looking at it that should convince even like the most strident conservatives and I was going to move on from this topic but you've got me fired to fuck up now so let me say it a different way if you're out there and you're listening and you call yourself progressive or liberal

or even just a fucking moderate, listen to what I'm saying right now. There are way, way, way, way more black and brown people in prison than there are white people. When you observe that fact that is undeniable percentage-wise, not just percentage-wise, also just in general, if you observe that fact, you can only reach one of two conclusions. Either they're being arrested at a disproportionate rate and or charged at a disproportionate rate and or incarcerated at a disproportionate rate, or they're more prone to crime. The second one of those is a racist statement. If you believe that, you are a racist.

That is point blank what racism is. That doesn't mean that you're a horrible person. It doesn't mean that society hasn't taught you that racism and you can't unlearn it. But if you believe in any part of you that black or brown people are more likely to commit crimes in a vacuum or even I'll go as far as to stay in our society, because I've heard people make the argument, well, there's more poor black people. It's like, well, that's still racism. So it's fucking racism. Now.

Okay. And I'll go. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. Once you've gotten to that point and you're going, all right, Drew, I'm kind of with you. You're being a little bit anger than I expected for a podcast,

especially since you're literally sitting in a room by yourself alone, screaming into the void. But I'm with you so far. You're saying that our system has led to this racist result. Now, then if you take the stance, that the people that that system affected most directly, the people who went to prison, under that racist system

shouldn't be allowed to participate in that system you're a fucking fascist there is no other way around that you can be ignorant you know what I mean but once you think about what I just said and you process it you can't get to any other conclusion

and I'm not saying everyone who says that if you do a crime because like people brought up examples like Dylan Roof I get that I get that there are people where you're like I'm not comfortable with them having a vote because they totally let go of their right to have a say in this. But if you take that feeling about a specific person or act that's so horrible, you think they should lose all rights, which I get.

That's very human. But if you take that and you extrapolate that to all prisoners or even all felons, you're basically saying, I know this system's racist, but I'm okay with it continuing on that way. And then you say, no, no, we'll reform it. Why can't the people that affected help reform it? They're not allowed to fucking vote. They should be able to. Yeah, and just on and on, the circle goes.

And also, I'll go one further. If you are someone out there who reaches the conclusion that, you know, instead of blacks and brown people and minorities are more prone to just being arrested for bullshit, and in fact they are just, as they say, more prone to committing crimes, and that is a racist fact, but if you hold that and you're going to go, well, look, I mean, they're just clearly the ones doing more crime because I guess black and brown people are just more prone to committing crime. Then you can't also turn around being a conservative.

saying Donald Trump's most godly president in the world because you don't fucking believe in a god that said that all that you can't believe in the all men were created equal and all men were created in the eyes of the Lord because if that was true then everyone would be the same and there would be no one more prone to doing fucking anything so you can't have it's literally you can't have your cake and get diabetes and chop your foot off and slap a black person with it too it's all that you know how it goes ding ding this is all word macaroni salad I was going to say regular word salad but not for me word macaroni sloody salad that's alphabet soup yeah yeah that is alphabet soup yeah well all right man well i mean i think we got i had some other stuff i want to talk about i think you should go to prison because you let your dog eat weed oh my god i did let my dad well let is a word i'm not comfortable with but it was my fault ah i didn't mean that that was if you were been here that would have no it sounded meaner no i don't i don't think you were being a dick at all that's how i probably would have said it too but yeah we were we were on a call yesterday it didn't even like fully i didn't grasp it until you were like oh shit that ain't funny that's terrifying i was like oh god we were on a

call with comedy central couldn't have been less professional we're about to hang up and i go oh fuck and everybody was like what i go my dog just ate weed and i was like oh shit and then i realized that it was the same exact amount of weed that i had just eaten and i didn't just eat a little bit to like get mellow i got enough to get you know pretty fucked up and and watch some science fiction and I immediately start reading and I'm like oh you know it's weed weed doesn't kill people but he is a tiny dog he's about to be scorched earth and I started reading they're like the amount that your dog would have to eat in order to die is this like six grams or something like that and he ate probably 20 milligrams but dude 20 milligrams sends me to the moon and I'm a 200 and 10 pound grown man

so I just decided I was like all right we'll see what's up I start you know kind of monitoring him monitoring him for about an hour then the weed kicked in on me and I was like he seems fine he's just sleeping. That's probably what will happen. He'll just sleep. This motherfucker woke up and looked at me like I was the devil. He looked at me and he was like, what's going on? I went to pick him up and he both his arms and both his legs were just like completely locked. His tongue was hanging out and I was like, oh my God, my fucking dog's going to die. And I just laid him over. And then he just laid there with his tongue hanging out, staring at the wall like, oh my God, can you believe they don't let prisoners vote? This world's a head. hellscape for like a fucking hour. Actually, longer than that, it was like six hours that was going on, but he did finally go to sleep. And I woke up this morning, he was fine. I took him to the vet.

And I told everybody what happened. And of course, they died laughing at me and told me that, yeah, if he eats a lot, it'll be, you know, it'd be bad. But if you had that much laying out, like, we need to send somebody to your house. What the fuck is happening with you? So you told everybody at the vet? Yeah, because I felt like just in case, he was. He was going to get, he was getting x-rays because he's got a little, he's, he had kennel cough,

but he's still been coughing and they were worried it might be a trachea thing. Yeah, that's something we should make clear here. You went to the vet because you had to, you were already supposed to go to the vet. I was coincidentally going that morning anyways. Right. And luckily also, I have a lot of friends in the veterinary industry who I chatted with that night because I was freaking out. Like, I'm, dude, he goes to the vet more than most dogs anyways, just because he goes to the dog,

like I go to the emergency room. Like, just every now and then, just for the fuck of it. I know you meant literally, and I know you meant legitly, and that it's true. But I just couldn't help but think, yeah, I got a lot of friends in the vet industry. I'm like, you know people who bet on horses and sell dog pills. That's what you know.

It's both. It could be both. So it could be both. It is both. Nurses date people like that, and I'm sure you know a lot of veterinary nurses. I do know. I know a lot of nurses who would consider themselves veterans in our relationship.

relationship. But, so I took in that morning, and I was just making sure because one of the things I read is that they're so fucked up that they won't eat or drink. And I was trying to get him to drink water all night, and I would put him in front of the bowl, and he would just kind of drift off sideways. I mean, what is water? Really, Dad, if you think about it, man. That's exactly what he was thinking.

You know? So I just wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him just in case they needed to, like, hook him up to an IV or some shit because that's somewhere on Reddit, which is where you go for all your medical needs. Of course. Like, yeah, man, you know, they might, if this happens if your dog won't drink, they might want to get some fluids in him. But this is like, if a dog ate so much, this motherfucker's like two days worth the fucked up.

He was fine the next morning. But anyways, it was a big scare for me, and we did the x-ray, and he's got a bunch of pills he's taken, but not because of weed, just from other different stuff. But anyways, yeah, I like to have, I thought for a minute that I'd murdered my dog with a fucking weed cookie, but it didn't happen. Thank God. I am so glad you didn't murder your dog with a weed cookie, but, you know, had you done that, I do feel like it would have been on brand. It would have been on brand, but like the worst thing about it was...

I nearly murdered my wife with a dog pill once. Yeah, I know. God damn it. I wish the podcast was a thing then. But, you know, my dog's alive. He's fine. The other thing was so terrifying is that I was so fucking high that all I could think about was how much more high are you? this dog is 10 pounds you know what i mean like he's 10 pounds and he took the exact same amount that

i took to get fucked up i like how your take from all of this is i mean one thing i got to say my fucking dog's a tramp he didn't go out like no bitch you know i mean hell no hell no man he got fucked up and just laid there with his tongue out all night's my guy he didn't even sleep no man i really didn't though i was i was up in a panic every 30 minutes checking his fucking heartbeat but so everybody out there listening i know that It sounds like I'm a bad dog dad, but I was worried. I don't think you're a bad dog dad, but that was a horrible defense as a former defense lawyer. I was worried.

I was worried about it. I had some lady in there who got accused of not being good to her kids or whatever. Like you left him in a car for four hours, man. Yeah, but for two of them, I was freaking out. Oh, that is true. Well, buddy, what do you say? Yeah, we should get out of here. Did we even say that Trey ain't here and why?

Oh Anyway, go to well-redcomedy.com. That's W-E-L-R-E-D-com. And grab our new album, Well-Red, live from Lexington. Share it with your friends. Tell everybody about it. We're number two right now.

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Our fans are the best. Much like us, our fans are the best and the worst people. I just realized I said that. It's just going to make it fucking worse. Well, that's all right. I love it. As Trace says, I wake up in the morning, I spread open my butt cheeks, and I say, hate me.

Fuel to the fire, baby. All right, well, buddy, I guess I'm flying out to see you tomorrow out in sunny California. All right, man. Oh, shit. I'd like to go to the studio. y'all. I'm going to come check it out. Hell yeah. Shout out Portland. Shout out Healy and Comedy Club.

Shout out Nick. Shout out stripper karaoke, which we went to. Let's see. Rest in peace. Pete Butt Judge's political career. Rest in peace. And, uh, go ahead. Producer Bryce.

Producer Bryce. May he rest in peace. Bye. He was with us in Portland and he died in a tragic unicycle accident, as we've said. Somebody saw him running a unicycle. It's an inverse relationship. Like human weed, 20 milligrams kills a dog. Dogweed, 200 dog bones of it kills one producer.

So sorry, Bryce, we love you, and skew. Skew. Thank you all for listening to the Well Red podcast. It once worked good, but now it is. Haters can eat our ass.