wellRED podcast - #118 - Drew & The Fake ID Miracles

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

This week Drew shares some old stories with the boys about his travels around the country with a fake ID  wellredcomedy.com for tickets to our shows and TO BUY OUR NEW ALBUM

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Terms apply. See Capital One.com for details. What's going on, everybody? It's your boy, the show. Corey Ryan Forster here, well-read comedy.com. W-E-L-L-R-E-D comedy.com. That's where you can check out where we're going to be in the next couple of months. We're going to be in New York.

New York, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Columbia, Missouri, Tell You Ride, Colorado, Huntsville, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama, Asheville, North Carolina, Little Rock, Arkansas, Chicago, Illinois, Iowa, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Traverse City, Michigan, Detroit, Texas, Austin, Texas, San Diego, California, Lexington, Kentucky, San Antonio, Texas, San Antonio, Phoenix, Arizona, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina, Denver, Colorado, and Nashville, Tennessee, at my favorite club in the world, Zanis, for our Christmas homecoming shows. Go to well-readcom.com to grab those, grab some sweet merch, like our new album, Well-Red, live from Lexington. You can grab that on our website. It's on iTunes, all the cool places. So anyways, well-readcomity.com, come see us on the road. Enjoy this episode and subscribe, download, tell all your friends, and subscribe to our newsletter on the website so you know where we're going to be before my dumbass does. love you and skew

Jacksonville Flaught sunny Jacksonville Utopia, the American Utopia, Fruetopia, I believe Jacksonville, Florida It was? Fruentopia. They still make Fruetopia? No. I remember they used to hit from me. I was a fat kid to hit. Me too,

they were so sugary. Right, yeah. But like they weren't carbonated, but they came in the same, they were made by They were like a Hawaiian punch type shit. Exactly like that, except for for some reason you didn't think that it was that childish because you could get it at the vending machine. And it also had like a marketing thing and art that was sort of like hippie-dippy and futuristic. It was like cursive and like splattered paint.

It definitely had that hippie-dippy thing going on. It's Hawaiian punch still a thing? Please say yes. Yeah, absolutely right. Oh, absolutely. That boy, that was my jam, son. You know the Hawaiian punch? Oh my God.

The blue wave or whatever. Yeah. So Patrick, you know, Patrick, his family, they like are from Hawaii. Yeah, it's called like Hawaiian Blue or Blue Hawaiian or something like that. They fuck, I remember when I first met, I'm like, they fucked with Hawaiian Punch like heavy. That's funny. I know. And I was always like, wait, ain't this like you would think.

And they're like, I mean, yeah, but it's fucking good. Like French fries or something, which aren't really like French. Right. No, that's hilarious that the first like Hawaiian family you met was like Hawaiian Punch. That's our shit. And it was. And I said all that said to this. Like I had Hawaiian Punch.

not that long ago, so I know it's still a thing because me and Patrick drank some vodka in that blue wave or cool blue or whatever. Cool blows. Yeah, yeah. And it hit real fucking hard. Wine puns. It's way too sweet.

Now, that don't mean they still make it. Maybe Patrick, being Hawaiian, he's got some kind of inside scoop on it. Some hookup. Yeah. Well, he's got several hookups, but it ain't for punch. You know what I'm saying?

I do. Speaking of hookups, I just got some mushrooms in Jacksonville. Yeah. In Jacksonville. Yeah, of course. They're actually given to you when you get in the airport. You walk off the plane

and they hand you a sack of random drugs. It's like a graph bag. It's the only way we'll eat salad. That's hilarious. But every time we come to Jacksonville, we have fun, but it's always, it's a bit of a rough time. Well, I said earlier, two days ago, we were here, and I was crying by a pool at a Ramada Inn, or as they call it in Jacksonville, hello Thursday. And so it's a good ending to my weekend. It's an exclamation point to find these mushrooms.

and procure them. When I procured them, Trey, I got to meet a gentleman. Let's say his name was Billy. That is not his name. The names have been changed. I met Billy. Okay. You met Billy.

You met him. And he said what to you? He said, he said, I was walking away and I hear from behind me, yo, you were talking about parrots. And I turned around because I have a bit about parrots in my act right now. And I was like, yeah, what's up, man? He came up to me and said, that he had hooked you up.

But first of all, he was like, he was like, check these shorts out. His shorts had parrots on him. He was like, you're sitting there talking about parrots. I got parrots on my short. I was like, what? Another dude in the first show was telling you about a racist parrot he met because he was a veterinarian. It's funny because in my parents all the way down.

In my bit, I say we're lucky that parrots were never trendy in the South because they live 90 years. So can you imagine if everybody's papal had a talk? bird how much of a problem that would be and the guy you're talking about was he said he's a veterinarian and he knew a guy he knew a papal with a parrot and he was like it's the most racist fucking bird you ever met in your life he was like dude just say the end word all the time it just scream racial slurs they can ever say we don't see color being as how they're the most colorful birds but it is a little disappointing that with all that you know diversity even on their own bodies that they are racist that's a little upsetting yeah well you know it's nature versus

nurture Drew. You know what I was right? Yeah, that parrot, he'd never had a chance. You, I mean, we've all been raised

by papas and memos who had gnarly views. That's true, but we're not birds. That's true. So, we are ravens. Anyway,

he said, I got birds on my short, whatever, talked to Drew. And then, and then he was just like, he was just like, tell Drew to tell you

what I told him or whatever. And I was like, I was like, okay, cool man. I'm glad. See you, and then I left. And that was it.

I'm glad that you did. That he did. so Billy is dating one of the waitresses here She did not want to own up to that But they are And the reason I know that they are Is because she first said I'll call my boyfriend

I mean my friend And we'll figure this out He shows up in his parrot T-tires They're swimming trunks Yeah He has on some black t-shirt He has on patent leather

Slide flip-flops That he informed me But anybody listening from Jacksonville's like I know the fuck Actually I don't know about it that. They're like,

that could be one of seven dudes, I know. I see, everyone from Jacksonville said that, but they're all thinking of a different dude. Exactly. They're like, oh, I know Billy is.

So he's got his slides on. His patent other slides. They're hers. He tells me that. And anyway, I procure these mushrooms from him and he's like, yeah, man,

have fun. And I'm like, cool. And I start to walk off. He goes, Drew. Oh, yeah. And he goes, now I always try them before I give him to my friends.

That's the kind of guy I am. I swear to God, that's the phrase he used. That's the kind of guy I am I like to do them you know test them out good I did those mushrooms and then I thought well hell I'm I need to go rub one out for these kick in you know what I mean so I'm there I'm jacking my dick you know how it is yeah yeah and I look over at the clock and I realize it's been an hour and a half and I'm jacking a flaccid penis and also this porn star is talking to me we've

been talking for about 30 minutes and Drew the thing is it was not a point of view porno like it was just a regular porno but she was talking to me and I'm like god damn I need to put my PJs on So I put on my pajamas, you know, and I'm like, man, I really got to pee. Now, the next time I come to, I'm pissing in a Tupperware Cup. I don't have any bottoms on. I'm in a hoodie, and the hood is up over it. And I'm like, God damn, what's happening here? So then I had to go get back in bed.

And what I'm saying is they'll make you slightly weird. God damn. That's fucking fantastic. And the name of that poem is Jacksonville. You just reminded me of something I've been made and tell you all for forever, and I keep forgetting, because I want to do it on the podcast. And so every time we've been together and not on the podcast, I'm like, no, save it. But then when we're on the podcast, I forget.

So I did Stephanie Miller's show two, three weeks ago, right? For everybody listening to don't know, Stephanie Miller is a colossal talk radio show. It's in the morning. It's a progressive talk radio show. They call her mama, don't they call her mama? It's hugely popular. And she has me on there every now and then. and I love Stephanie.

She's great. I like doing the show. Her house hit, that was a fun day. Yeah, but anyway. Kind of dogs that she had? I was a Pyrenees. Yeah.

Great Pyrenees. Yeah. Horse dogs. Yeah. They're massive. But anyway, the last time I was on there, a couple three weeks ago, she takes calls,

right? She takes callers. And she took one of the calls. And I don't remember the guy's name. Even if I did remember his name, I wouldn't say it right now. You know, whatever.

But he was like. We're calling Billy. and it was calling Billy and Billy was like it's like hey yeah I just wanted I wanted to talk to Trey real quick and uh I just want to say Trey man I appreciate so much he was like it's Billy in Mississippi

oh boy Billy in Mississippi he was like I just want to say dude how much I appreciate you showing the rest of the world that you know rednecks are not just the stereotypes were not all what they think we are man and I really appreciate that hey

and also I wanted to apologize for you, dude, for my old lady trying to whip your ass at your last show. He was like, she's real drunk. Y'all got to talking about the drive-by trucker. She got pissed off. And anyway, yeah, I do too. I remember him. What show was that?

It was in Oxford, Mississippi. And he was like, I just won't let you know, dude. I apologize about that. But anyway, you know, I mean, you know, shit. She asked you what your favorite song was, and it wasn't up to her standards, as I recall. And then she started screaming at you. He asked me with the album, my favorite album, as I remember, and this is what he said, too, and I said, Decoration Day. And, yes, like, you just, because I did not agree with her, she got mad because she was hammered or whatever.

Anyway, he's so, yeah, he goes, thanks for throwing the rest of the world. We ain't all the stereotypes they think we are. And also, I just want to apologize to you for my old lady trying to whip your ass over the drive-by truckers. We need that. And then he goes, and then right at the end of that, he was like, he was like, uh, he's like, I mean, you know, dude. Dude, shit just gets and they cut him off because it's terrestrial radio and that's how that works. So he said shit and got cut off. And dude, I fucking died.

We need that audio. I fell out and you could tell like they also thought it was funny but we're also like. Oh no. Like what, no, I mean, he said shit and they cut him off because that's what they do no matter what. Right. But like you could tell they were like. Where's this going to go? No, they didn't understand.

It wasn't as funny to them as it was to me. Of course. Because they didn't get the full context of it, but like, it fucking killed me, man. Did you tell them you remembered that, dude? Yeah, I told them. We made that audio. I said I remembered them, and then I explained to them the, like, context of it after that. I was like, this is why that's hilarious.

Do you think we could get that audio? I mean, I don't know. Maybe. Not by the time this next podcast comes out for sure. So you will not hear it. I can even know the producer and ask you. Do that. All right.

I mean, hell, I'll do it right now because we can get it by Monday show and slip it in, and then we can play it. right now. I hope we just played it and now we're back. I was pausing for a fact. But yeah, was that the lady that I told her,

I'm starting to remember this a little bit. I said, wait, mark the time, so you know when to cut that in if we can. Oh, I'll listen. It's 10 minutes. All right.

I told her that my favorite song was the deeper end and I think the consensus was like, yeah, everybody loves the cousin fucking song or some bullshit like that. Wait, I thought he's was, I thought Heesans was the, the sister fucking song.

No. Deeper Inn is the brother's sister fucking song where they travel up to Michigan. I know the song. We're only arguing about the title and I'm certain I'm wrong because I'm bad with names. Yeah, no, heathens ain't that one. Yeah, because that's about him and them. That's why they call.

They wouldn't name the homecoming heathens if that was the sister fucking song. Right, right. Welcome to heathens. Yeah, no, it's the deeper in and it's the first or second song on Decoration Day. All right. So, I don't know if I want to tell you this story and then move on to, well, the first idea I had is my fake ID when I was in college was from Florida. Oh, shit, we're doing this. My fake ID in college was from Florida. Of course.

And three times in my life, using that fake ID led to some bullshit and your boy got out of it. And all three times it was on a holiday. Okay. What three holidays? So St. Patrick's Day. Okay. The 4th of July. Great one.

So like all drinking holiday. Yes. I mean, yeah. And the other than was a small one. We went and looked it up as a joke, me and Teach. Teets was involved in all of them. No shit. Yeah, we looked it up as a joke and it ended up being, is Arbor Day before the September 1st?

Trey's the only person in this room that would know that, because I don't even remember what Arbor Day really. I think it was, I think it happened somewhat recently because I feel like the boys were saying something to me about it like they mentioned it at school to them. Dude, I have no idea. When's Columbus Day? Maybe Columbus Day is October 21st or sometime in October. I only know that because I used to work for the federal government. Amher's a teacher.

You know what? Never mind, because I got it when I was 19. It was Columbus Day because we do get off from work. That's October. This was it. Mid-October. Here we go. So the first one I was 19.

I'm fucking it up. It doesn't matter. Here's the stories. It was on spring break. Most of my friends were 21. I was 20 because I'm almost always the baby in my classroom. class and a dude calls me over we're drinking i'm drinking on the fake i had a florida fake id it looked good in my wallet but if i had to get it out it looked clearly printed and just terrible or

whatever that's an allegory my name was dylan thomas because i had my head up my own ass even at 20 uh that's hilarious yeah i named my fake id after a poet mine was ron forster yeah it was uh 117 north paris drive i want to say lakeland florida 2 to 6 Glee Avenue. We just added a G to my actual one. You kept it simple, which was the way forward. Absolutely. I never had anyone call me in that regard. But here's what happened on this particular time. Dude calls me over and it's like, let me see your ID. Now the bar we were at, you could be there if you're 18. Where were you at now? I missed that. It was in Savannah,

Georgia. Oh, on St. Patty's in? Is that right? That's when they died. The River Green. Savannah is like a huge, they have a huge St. Patrick's thing. No, no, no, no, no. The reason I thought that is because we were going to go to Savannah. We were going to drive to Savannah and then come back, but we were in Myrtle Beach. We were in Myrtle Beach. It's always St. Patrick's Day in Myrtle Beach. And my buddy Trevor had a time share, so that's what we're doing in Myrtle Beach.

All my friends. You have to share time in Myrtle Beach. It's all you can share. You ain't got nothing else except golf clubs. Who's got to watch? So we're there, and it's important to remember that you can be in this bar if you're underage. You just can't drink, and I was drinking. When them Beach bars, yeah.

Bouncer says, let me see your ID. I show him my ID in the wallet and he looks it over and whatever and he's like hold on a second I'm getting my boss he calls his boss over

it's like show him your ID I go to show the box my ID and he's like get it out of your wallet so I'm like fuck so I'm sitting there and my thought process immediately goes I don't want to lose my fake ID I can get kicked out of this bar

but I can drink on right so I'm just my real one's behind it I just get my real one out and I hand it to him you're 19 it's a Tennessee C ID now and it's real and it has Drew Morgan and a very different address and it's completely different picture I think yeah because I use my student picture for my fake idea so he's looking at it

looking at me looking at it looking at it and he goes no this is a real license and he hands it back to me if you picked up what's happened there yeah I showed the fake to a bouncer in the wallet he didn't trust it just saw the so he got his boss over to double check it he tells me hand my boss your ID. I pull my real one out of the wallet and hand it to the boss. The boss doesn't know what the question is. The only question the boss had in front of him is this real. It is real. He hands it back to me. I slide it back in. I turn around.

My friends are, they're like, I mean, dude, we're young. We're like, we're all going to jail. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. What are we got to do? We got a bell drew out. I'm just walking back towards him. They're like, what the fuck? What's going? What the fuck? And I go, Forrester. My buddy's name was Forrester. Nice. Hand me at beer. Last name? Yeah. Right on. Nathan.

Bedford? No. Okay. Hand me at beer. And he's like, okay. And he hands it to me, and I turn, and I just kind of look at those guys, and I sip my beer, like, not threatening, not like victory, like, as if, did I win? This is the test.

Just fucking worked. St. Patrick's Day miracle. Now, that story, like, whatever, you got out of it. That happens. Hey, man, you got lucky. Second story. Fourth of July, I'm working. for the state of Tennessee.

I'm a counselor at governor school for the humanities. It's a thing I did. It's a summer school for nerd kids who went like writing stories and like history.

And I'm at it as a counselor now. That just sounds pretty cool. It was my off night, but I'm still not supposed to be how old are you now? Underage drinking. I'm still 20 years old. Teach,

was that the first one? Teach is who got me this job? Is Teets older than you? Yes, but not in class. Right. Just in life. Right. Yeah.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, he's like 11 months older than me. But we graduated in the same class. Right. He went to governor school with me. That's actually where we became good friends. He's been a counselor at governor school every single year since he got to college.

What is it? Sorry. You can say it. It doesn't matter. Okay. To see if we want food? I'm about to order food on Uber E. Yeah, order some food.

Okay. Y'all, what are you? Crystal or steak and shake? Steak and shake. That's what I was thinking, too. All right. So. Do y' all know, do you want to pause this and tell me what you want?

Sure. Or just get y'all some shit. 16 minutes, I'll fucking cut it out. I want, just go ahead and click it in. Click it in, dog. You got it. We trust you. Click it in.

Just click it in. I want to double. Are you going to cut this out? If you're going to cut it out, just go ahead and tell me what y'all want. Click it in. Double with cheese. Click it in. Bacon and cheese double steak burger?

Absolutely. Okay. All right. All right. And we're back. Sorry about that, everybody. I had to take a break here to, I had to take a burger break, order, order cheeseburgers for everybody. So them's on the way.

So anyway, Drew, sorry about that. You were saying. It's all good. So the first story, not a big deal. I got lucky. You know what I mean? I pulled a move in an attempt just to keep my fake ID and somehow it worked and I got to keep drinking. But when you're 20, you think that's the greatest thing ever.

Getting to keep drinking? Are you shitting me? You know what I mean? Right. Like, what a night. And it was on St. Patty's Day. Fourth of July, I'm working for the government. It's governor's school.

I got the night off. And we get. to Teets's off-campus apartment and me, him, and his buddy John are drinking. Now, Teets is 21, he's bought the booze. I'm 20, John's 18. John does not work for governor's school.

As we're drinking and continue to get drunk and we have bottle rockets left over from, you know, 4th of July situations, we decide that we should shoot a bottle rocket at this dude's jeep that John and Teats fucking hate. Absolutely. Yeah, so we do.

Well, then I mean, we've already hit his car. We might as well shoot him at some other cars. So we're just sitting there shooting bottle rockets at the nicest car in this apartment. The car's at this apartment complex. And, of course, someone's called the police. Then when the police come up, there's the road that's the main road coming in, but then they've got a long driveway to come in because we're like four apartment complexes deep into this huge apartment complex.

That's more than one building. They got their lights off, but they go under a street light and I see them. I just yell cops, and we run inside. Yeah, that's how that worked. I'm freaking out. I'm like, I'm going to lose my job. I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be on campus tonight.

I'm not supposed to be drunk. I don't know what the fuck is about to happen. Teets is sitting there. He's talking to John. They hear him pull up. He's like, look, somebody's got to go talk to him. And he's like, I'm 21. I'll go talk to him.

And John's like, what are you talking about? And he goes, well, we've been shooting ball rockets at cars. Someone clearly called them on us. They have every right to come in here. We, like, can't fucking just ignore this or whatever. So, T's like, I'm going to go talk to him. So he's like, all right. Well, John's like, I'm staying up here because I'm fucking 18.

I am in his friend's bedroom. My thing is like, I'm just going to listen to see how this goes. So I'm out there and I'm listening. I hear T. Teach talking. I teach knows these cops because at the time he was a reporter for the Tennessee Martin, U.T. Martin newspaper. He's also one of the smartest talking motherfuckers ever was. Yes, but I didn't know all of that yet. I knew a little bit of it.

But this is like one of the first stories that built his lore. Right. So the cops there, he knows them because he did the crime report for the paper. whatever. He's talking to these guys and he's like, they're like, what's going on? He's like, I we're just celebrating a little bit, you know, we love America. What's going on with you guys? They're like, don't be a smart ass, you know, come over here, we're talking.

He goes, look right here. So they do the good cop, bad cop thing. One guy's being nice. Another guy's like, look at this. Look at the damage you've done in that car. And I'm like looking through a window. There's like a black spot where a fucking bottle rocket exploded on a white car. Teeth walks over, licks his thumb, wipes it off

and goes, I don't see any damage, sir. Like, just talking to him like he fucking knows him like he knows their uncles and shit well again whatever now but like I'm fucking 20 I'm freaking out this dude is talking to these cops this is where you learned this is where I learned you learned it from Tate's

oh my god because I had this exact same experience with Drew I was Drew in this story and he was Tate's when one of the like early on in me and Drew's relationship I had this exact same experience so the cops are like so the cops go there's more people on that balcony

we're going up so they go up, they see John in the living room. John's there, he's 18, they're freaking out. Kevin's roommate had stolen a bunch of street signs, completely unrelated to any of this shit, and they see him, and they're like, what the fuck is that? That's a felony. And Kevin's like, look,

sincerely, that's not mine. Like, I ain't got nothing to do with that. Yeah, that's a big fucking girl. I hear the cops in there. I take all my clothes off, except for my boxers. I get into the bed. The light is on. Full blast in this bedroom. Because I'm thinking about hiding. I'm thinking about doing all kinds of shit. Cop comes in there. No, no, I turn the light

out. He flits the light on. Like, greatest acting I've ever done in my life, I jump up. Like, what the... What's... Why is the cops? What's wrong? And he goes, have you been to sleep the whole time? And I go, yeah, is everything okay, sir? And he's like, just go back to sleep and he turns the light off. And, like, I can see Kevin laughing behind him.

Just like, you motherfucker. So that John Kidd, he got a drunken public citation. Teets got literally nothing. Of course. And then I got nothing. So that's the Fourth of July, miracle. The next miracle, I don't know what

fucking holiday, some minor holiday that come up before my 21st birthday. It's like a reunion for the governor school guys because it's me, him and Craig.

Y'all met Craig at Oxford. Craig was also a counselor at governor school. He wasn't with us on the 4th July because somebody had to work and watch him kids that night.

Of course. So we're hanging out in Memphis with Craig's frat brothers. We go to some bar they know I get in with my fake. We're all drinking

every day. The waitress comes up and says, let me see your ID to to me. Now, we had to show our ID to get in and I was like, really?

You know, and they kind of know her, so they're like razzing her. Like, what are you doing? You're picking on the new guy. Come on, you know, like, fuck. So I show it to her, and she's like, I don't know if I can serve you anymore. And I'm like, all right, I just start going to the bar. You're not supposed to be there if you're not 21 at this particular place. So I start going to the bar. So then she comes up, she sees me with a drink.

She's like, what the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm like, I'm sorry. You said you couldn't serve me. I thought I was too drunk or something. She's like, I'm getting my boss. I'm like, okay. and Craig's like, hey,

I know this guy, don't worry about it, you know, we're going to have to leave. So the boss comes up, he's like, let me see your ID, so I show it to him,

he's just like, all right, and he walks away, and he takes it with him, and I'm like, fuck. Like, is he going to get a cop

that I don't even know that works here? Like, he took my whole ass wallet. Like, what the fuck is happening? And then the waitress comes back. This is back in the days

before you just threw it across the road. Started throwing your wallets at random cars driving by and things like that. You don't even have. have your wallet right now. No, because he left it. I don't have my ID right now. He left it at a random

vehicle. Yeah, we're in the state of Florida. I thought I'd get a new fake because I'd left mine in an Uber on the way to the airport, but because I have clear, I was able to get the Jacksonville because I always fucking win. It's the point of this goddamn story. The goddamn waitress came back with a whole round of drinks and apologized

to me and told me that the drinks were free because her boss wanted her to apologize to me for being so mean to me. I have no, I... She wasn't even mean. Like later on, I got drunk enough when she was off. I was like, hey, the ID is fucking fake. You were completely right.

I'm so sorry. That's fucking great. That was the, we'll say Arbor Day miracle. That's four miracles. That's pretty good. It was three. Did I miss one? Oh, no.

St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July, Arbor Day. The Fourth of July, I made four go in my head. What was your fake ID's name, Trey? I didn't have a fake ID. I expected that. He was in a fraternity. he was in it. He was in a fraternity, so he didn't have to get off campus, which I get in respect.

And then also, he grew up in a type of place where in high school, you knew somebody or didn't make sense. No one could make one. Yeah, Salina days, there was no, there were no bars or anything that people went to. It was just getting alcohol, and that was never a problem. Right. Because everybody had, like, older dudes or whatever that would get it for you or whatever else. like that never mattered. Then when I got to college, like you said, like...

Were you ever a bouncer? You were a... What was your rule as a waiter? As far as other people's IDs? Yeah. I asked them for their ID, but if they gave me an ID and it was clearly fake, I didn't give a fuck. My rule was... I mean, dude, I got given so many fake ideas, and I never gave even a little bit of a

fuck. I'd ask them for an ID if they showed me one and the date was right. They literally could have been black in the ID, apparently. and it's a white dude and I still would have served. I didn't even look at the shit. I didn't even look at the date. My rule was, if you give me an ID, you are ballsy and you deserve it or you're 21. When we were in, when we used to go to Athens all the time, Chris, now I will tell you another.

Just to finish my rationale real quick, I mean, well, Drew pretty much had it down. And then when I got to college, like, I just, like, there were certain places that you could go and drink at, that we knew about and you didn't need a fake ID. You just needed to know the bartender. Yeah, and then versus if you're talking about going to house parties, drinking other people's places and stuff, it was never relevant. So I just never really, like, I don't know,

I never really needed one. Like, I didn't know. Well, I got mine. I didn't know very many people. I can't even remember anybody that even really had one. I got mine. Because I guess everybody just felt basically the same way I did. For spring break.

That's like why I got mine. We were about to go on spring break, and I was one of the only ones, he wasn't going to be able to drink, and I was like, fuck that. I know Katie had a fake ID, and her fake ID, the name of the girl and her fake ID was Courtney Bean. Maybe I shouldn't say that, because it's a real person. And then Katie randomly ended up meeting her at a bar like years later, the actual

Courtney Bean. It was like, holy shit, you were me, you know, or whatever, which I always thought was pretty cool. My best friend, Daniels, a little brother, Stephen Childs, I gave him an ID. he paid for me to get a new one through the state, say I lost it, and I gave him mine, and he used it for years. He had all my info memorized. There's a dude out there, and I mean, I don't know, there could be a...

Which is a felony. There could be a decent chance that he might hear this podcast if he's still alive. Stephen listens sometimes. He's it. You're from Alabama. Your name is Joe Toe. Bullshit. I'm sorry.

Hand of God. You had a fake idea with the word toe on it? It wasn't mine. Buddy, oh my God. Can you imagine if his fake ID said toe on it? If we haven't covered this or you haven't listened enough, Corey's had many nicknames. He's the show,

which he's, I think you've got to be one of the coolest people in the world to give yourself your own goddamn nickname and get away with it. But that aside, we used to call him the toe. I did that hit for me. The toe, because they had that,

they had that commercial on the Super Bowl. It was an athlete's foot commercial, and it was a toe. This is where that's from. In a football helmet, and I saw it, and I said, look that, that's Corey. And I sent it,

and then Rick's, Rick made us. The only time. Hold on, wait, it's so funny. I'm not disputing that. I just think it's funny that we have different recollects of it because what I recollect was him being in our group text that we had at the time, had at the time, and him saying, him having a typo, he had a typo or an autocorrect

that was like, he said, uh, tow life. Like he said, he was telling some story about himself or whatever. And it was just like, yeah, you know, it's just toe life. No, I remember that. And I was like, I was like, toe life. it was clearly just a typo, but I was like, huh, that's funny because, you know, you kind of is a toe, you kind of look like a toe.

You're sort of a toe, and then we started to be like, yeah, how is that toe life? Corey, tell us about toe life, tow life, whatever. And then he goes, he goes, he said, he said, great, well, here's a new thing that's going to be forever. I remember all of that. Maybe the tow commercial came later, and the reason I thought of it.

I'm certain you always saw it when you saw that commercial. Yes, I know it, the Afron one, God damn it. Okay, it's a afferance for athlete's feet. It's got a little toe and he's in a football helmet. I had Rick put his face on it, but maybe that was because we'd already call him. Maybe it was because we already started calling him tow. I just remember him. How long ago was this?

That's at least six years ago, I'd say. Just to let everybody listen to know how fucking long this shit's been going on. Yeah, we rarely call you a toe. I ain't called you tow in a minute. No, no, no. I don't mean the specific toe thing. You ain't never stop being a toe. I just mean per raiding me from my physical attributes.

I don't mean that I'd be, yeah, you hadn't called me a toe in a while. It's been great. You, the first diss on this podcast today was you told me how he didn't need a fake ID because he had a tooth. Yeah. That's me clapping back. That's also, that was the start of this. I'm saying, that's me, that's punching up. He's punching down.

I don't hit. hilarious. Corey was swinging his arms like Popeye the whole time there. This is the thing Corey does. He acts like it's the victim. It acts like he, it's disproportionate. Oh, the amount of shit that he gets, uh, it's his jaws. Oh, right, right.

That's pretty good. not bad. Anyways, I was talking about Joe, Joe, if you're out there, we're in, we're in Panama City

and we'd gone down there and none of us at this point had a fake ID. Might have been confiscated, I'm fairly certain, and we're sitting there and we're at one of those, like,

bars that you, it was like you were just saying, like you could be 18 and be there. Right. But was Levela, did Levela have? It was like that.

But did Leveila have a hot tub? Yeah. Okay, then it was Levella. So we're there and we're like, a lot of them had hot tubs. Levela was the one. All right. So I think we're at Levela, and we're sitting there, and we're all like fucking 18 or 19,

and we're just sitting there drinking waters. Like, we ain't got the hitting bracelets or whatever. And we're just in this goddamn hot tub. And this motherfucker, my buddy Josh is with me. Y'all met Josh, came to Texas with us. That's the guy that got us mushrooms. Yes, that's true. If you're avid podcast listeners, you may remember a story where Drew and his buddy Brian ransacked

Corey's hotel room and when Corey showed up and saw it had been ransacked, he sent his friend Josh down to get the maintenance man to come up and fix the toilet that Brian had broken. And then even though he sent his friend to get someone to help, immediately laid down on the bed and started jacking himself off and was then, you'll never believe this, caught by the maintenance man who showed up to the room right after that. because of course he did. I thought I had time. And caught Corey Jacking himself off.

Thought I had time. If you guys remember that story, Josh is the guy in that story. And if you don't remember that story, you've got to go find it. That's an all-timer in terms of the well-read podcast. I don't remember what number it is. But yeah, we were in Austin and I got caught jacking off. I'm not awesome. I don't hit.

You got called, I believe, in San Antonio. It was the Austin Houston-San-An-An-An-An-O-Run. San Antonio, you were remembering the Alamo. That's true. That's all you was doing. Anyways, this dude, we're in the hot tub. Allato. We're in the hot tub at La Vila and this dude

He was apparently of age Because he had his just ID fucking out And he goes to show it to somebody to get a drink And then we just all saw And he dropped it like in the hot tub And it just went like And Josh looked at me And Josh just fucking like

Put his foot over it And like slid it over to himself And we just all he's like Fuck out of here. We're gonna get to fucking go So we get up and we walk over And like dude It literally couldn't have looked more like Joe It was the most serendipitous shit

in the world. They were identical. Both huge chubby cheeks, tan. And his name was Joe Toe? Joe Toe. Like, you're not going to question that shit. So that became, that was the fucking club La Vila miracle that Josh just literally, T-O-E-To. Joe Toe. Joe Toe. Joe Toe.

On my life. All my life. That's fantastic. How old were y'all? Night-19. So you got a salad two years out of Joto. Oh, for Josh, yeah. And then, but then we got back and me and Chris started. living in, we called it the crack house because it looked like a goddamn crack house

and it was in front of this gas station and we was, my buddy Rocky Tarant. You know, oh boy, what you want to do as to do? His name Orby, Joto. Old Rocky Tarvin, boy. Yo, you boy. Joto was his brother. We lived in a place and our landlord was Rocky Tarvin. His whole thing was like, boy.

Rocky Tarvin and Jotow. You boys, if y'all just mow my grandmama's grass, I take care of your rent, you just play the utility's night. everything of you. That's how it was. So we're there. We don't have a lot of, you know, overhead. And we're living in this place, and we're just like, all right, well, so we just have to pay utilities.

But still, how can we almost get that for free, too? And you know Chris, Robbie's brother Chris, Chris Robertson, he got to be really good at Photoshop. We had a, we were selling, we sold fake IDs. That's what we did. Beautiful. That was what we did. So we had, like, we had a door, and we had the, a blue towel that perfectly matched the background from the Georgia

fucking idea or whatever. So you'd come over. We'd take your fucking picture. I didn't do anything except get the motherfuckers there. I was like the point of contact. We know this dude needs to affect. You're the fixer. Absolutely.

He was the skill, man. Chris is doing all the way. Dude, let me tell you how fucking skilled he was. So he set this all up. He'd take your fucking picture. He'd go in there and he'd Photoshop everything. Well, on the Georgia IDs, they're in the middle. there's a fucking hologram.

Yeah. And it says it's a little fucking like white type hologram and then it has Georgia in cursive on it. Chris would get, it was called Mother of Pearl fingernail polish. Yeah. And he would fucking make a perfect square with it. And when you do a mother of pearl thing like that, it glistens and stuff. And then he would take a razor and perfectly carve out the signature for Georgia. And when people did this to it, like you could.

couldn't, you couldn't fucking deny it. Like, it was unbelievable. And so, beautiful. We had, we didn't charge, like, a certain amount. We was, like, on a sliding scale. Like, it was pretty much just like, what can you give us? You know what I mean?

Because we weren't assholes with a heart of gold, but we weren't assholes. Like, it wasn't costing us hardly nothing to do it. Yeah, and the poor people get a drink, too. Yeah, and girls with big tetties didn't pay shit. I hate, I mean. You don't say. Right. It's just, is how it was.

Mm-hmm. The only problem was is that we didn't, we weren't putting them on plastic. It was just paper that we would then, fold to make thick. So if they ever made you take it out of your wallet, you're solidly fucked. That's how Thompson had one for a little while and his was like that, except it was like it wasn't folded up paper.

It was a, it was a sticker. Right. A sticker that he had stuck on top of like an old actual ID he had. Looked, had the toe legit in his wallet. But if he had to take it out, you could tell it was a sticker stuck on to another idea. See, I'd have let that man. drink.

Yeah, me too. Me too. I mean, buddy, he didn't, I don't ever remember him really having much trouble out of it. Yeah, and the crack house was right in front of a Golden Gowan gas station. Now, back in the day, there was gas stations that would absolutely sell underage kids beer, but they were, like, Golden Gellon is a chain. You know what I mean? Like, that's a fucking, they got people their answering to it, too.

So our whole plan was right when we moved in, we're like, all right, we can't go straight in there and try to fucking, like, we can't ruin this. because if we go in there, get caught, we're fucked. So we're going to go in there and for two weeks, just go in there every single day, all of us individually, get Little Debbie and just be super nice to all the ladies there and get to know them and just be super sweet. Then after two weeks, we'll go in there with the fake ID and just throw the beer up there.

And at that point, they'll just love us so much that they won't even fucking. And that worked. Like, that worked like a goddamn charm. It works so much that we developed such a friendship with these ladies that on Sunday in Georgia. you can't sell beer like at all. So what we would do is we'd go in there.

Beer in the whole state? It used to be. Not anymore. It was a thing. Like Sunday you couldn't. Beer, not beer too, not just liquor anything.

Dude, where I'm from, you can't get liquor at all. Like, you can't, the liquor store, you've got to go to Tennessee to do that. Right,

but I'm saying, no, on Sundays it was no beer whatsoever. In the whole state of Georgia? In Atlanta? I can't, no, I can't speak for the whole state,

but definitely Walker County. And Walker County is the biggest, camp yeah that's the whole state to me he had 20 yeah right right exactly lord that don't hit no it did not hit now luckily for us Tennessee is just a hop skipping to jump across

and that was kind of why it finally started was all these people started out they're like look these motherfuckers that live in walker county which is right on the goddamn border he's like they're going to Tennessee they're getting drunk we're just losing out on the goddamn tax dot right we're just losing out the tax dollars the thing about that is that's

that's true for every county that has those laws. Yeah. And a whole lot of them still just have those laws. No, a lot of them want that. They're like, yeah, yeah. Because that's what happened in Putnam County. Because they want it.

They want people to leave and be drunk somewhere else. Cookeville, where I went to college at, it was the exact same thing. They had the exact same law forever. And it was the same deal. It was like, look, all these college kids are driving to the next, driving to Jackson County. Right. And buying their liquor. They're doing it anyway.

We might as well get that money. We're losing money. And now there's a fucking liquor store on every goddamn corner in Cookville. Well, so what we were trying to do, we tried to do for a long time as everybody knows, like, on Saturday, because we're going to drink on Sunday, too. So on Saturday, we just buy extra beer. That way we'll have it for Sunday. But then you just get hammered. On Saturday, we just fucking go through it all.

Like, you're going to drink what you got. So we got tired of goddamn going to fucking Tennessee. Even though it was only 12 minutes, you still had to, like, get up, get in the car, and somebody had to go in and show a fake ID. So we're like, how can we somehow get it from this gas station? so we started telling the ladies and we worked out of system and what they would do is uh dixie who was the one like she would work sunday evenings and also monday mornings so what would happen was we'd go in there and we'd get the beer and she'd rip the barcode off of it and we'd just leave her cash and then she'd wait till the next day ring it up and she would always get

a tip because it was like you know fucking 12 bucks for the 12 pack but we would leave her 15 or whatever and then we convinced Eds on Sunday what they would do is you go in there and you just buy kind of like a cold tea in Boston you just go into ads and you knew that this portion of the sprites over here was filled with Bud Light and you just walked smooth out and they'd work

on that shit. I had a point to all this shit probably it was that's all they're going to do for fucking abortions when you out long in Alabama and Georgia's go across the state line and get them you goddamn idiots. There you go that wasn't your point but no it wasn't but you did have something that you wanted to tell us about

before we wrapped up. Are we about to wrap up? Yeah, I want to tell you. Well, I mean, we're close, and I feel like this is about to be a doozy. Okay. I don't think that's about four minutes off. Oh, yeah, okay.

So, I mean, yeah, we got like 20. I want, Drew, I wanted to ask about these possum decks. Oh, shit. No, never mind. You ever see a possum dick, Corey? No. Didn't I send a picture? Yes, but I was driving when you sent it,

and I just kind of glanced down at it. Was it bifurcated? It's split, yeah. You're right. Bifurcated? Yeah. They got split dick. possums out there, boys. Bifurcated

Wainter. Everything about a possum hits for me. Me too. That's the biggest word I've ever heard Corey use in our friendship together, and it was about possum dicks. I'm also dumb, everybody. Look like a toe, dumb. Don't hit. By the way, where do you think

I learned that word? Dix goal? No. A brother were art though. Cullen brothers taught it, bifurcated. They were, it was the scene where God damn it. Robert Johnson sells a soul to the devil.

And he comes back and he's like, he's like, you sold your soul for the death. He goes, he taught me how to play this guitar real good. And Del Mar goes, and for that, you traded your everlasting soul. And then he goes, yeah, and the devil that he describes was clearly a Klansman. And George Clooney is like, man, that's not true. Everybody knows that the devil is red and scaly and carries a pitchfork and has a bifurcated tail. And so I looked up what that meant, and it meant split.

And so, like, into two. And so, right on. Anyways, the Cullen Brothers taught me that. And yes, possum dicks, and I'm stupid. According to the man who sent me in the picture. Do lady possums have two pussies? I don't think so. Uh-oh.

I don't think so. The man who sent it to me, I think his name's Nathan. He goes by the growlery. Kang Roos got three decks, by the way. Akednaz had four dicks. What the fuck? Y'all are blowing my mind. I can't even handle that.

Let me get done with this possum shit. Anyway, he heard the podcast last week. We was talking about pussy dip bucks. He wanted me to know possums had two dicks. I asked him do they come out of both of them He said yes Now what the fuck are you talking about Four dick echidnas?

Here's the reason I know that That echidnas have four dicks Is because I'm sucking this echidna's dick Years ago I don't know what an echidna is It's like it's sort of like It's sort of like a hedgehoggy type of thing

Wait a minute Wait a minute You are a little bit dumb Only because Wait a minute We're of the same generation And you remember Knuckles From the Sonics games

Okay I knew yes Knuckles is an echidna Is it a marsupial I don't know, maybe Possums are And so we're fucking kangaroos I guarantee you it is They very well maybe

Marsupials have split dicks The reason They're marsupials, aren't they? The reason I know that I don't know The reason I know that about echidna Is because years ago Quasas are lazy and don't deserve more than one dick

Drew when we were coming up In the Knoxville comedy scene It was a thing It may still be for all I know But it was a thing In Knoxville we did We did like comedy Central style roast, but we did roast of like fictional characters or celebrities, like the

roast of Hulk Hogan, the roast of Darth Vader. And we dressed up as different people. And everybody would, and so we did one, one time, the roast of Super Mario. And I was Mario. And so I dressed up as Mario and came. And so everybody else is different video game characters, famous video game. Jake James, Donkey Kong? Jake James was Donkey Kong.

Yeah. And he, so I'm sure Victor was some video game nobody ever fucking heard of. I don't remember who he was. Sorry, Victor. They all did. So everybody, everybody roast me as Mario, and at the end, I go up as Mario and roast them in character. Well, you remember Mike D? I'm so stupid.

I just realized you're explaining all that to them. I was like, yeah, I know, Trey, but now I get it. Remember Mike D, Mike D, hit the guy, our buddy. Anyway, Mike D. He was Sonic the Hedgehog. He's one who's telling me his notes the other day. He's like, hair spiked up, covered up him. No, that's a different guy.

But, uh, painted blue all over, you know. But he was Sonic the Hedgehog. Still look better than one in that new fucking trailer for that movie they're putting out. You know what I'm saying? No shit. Don't hit it. Anyway, he was Sonic. Yeah, that was the worst part about that trailer.

He was Sonic. And I remember one of the jokes I did about him was. I love this. Because I looked at it, I was just like, hedgehog jokes. Who knows? So I was whatever, looking around for things. And I don't know if you played Sonic the Hedgehog games. I did, but I never had a Sega.

Sonic's homies in the Sonic games. were tails the fox and he had two tails he had two tails that he used like a helicopter he spun him like a helicopter and he could fly take your shirt off and then there was and then there was knuckles the echidna yeah his whole thing was punching people okay innovative and he had dreadlocks and he had dreadlocks anyway those was two boys miles and knuckles or tails and knuckles and uh so anyway this is a miles and knuckles his i'm such a fucking nudge he's i'm such a fucking nacles. nerd that I know that Taylor's real name is Miles.

I'm so ashamed right now. Anyway, Oh, you shouldn't be that hit. Anyway, um, so the joke was, so I'm doing this terrible Mario accent the whole time.

And I'm going around, I disagree. I've seen the video. I think it's tremendous. I'm going to run all these, all these different, uh, video game characters.

And I get to Sonic. And I'm like, this guy, Sonic, the hedge of hog. This guy, let me tell you, he's the best of friends in the world is tails the fox and knuckles the echidna.

Let me tell you about ekeednas. If you don't know this, this is true. Echidnas, they have four of penises. That's true. They have four of penises. So this guy, he's the best of friends, are a guy with the four dicks and a guy with the two assholes. This guy who knows how to party.

And that was the joke, which slaughtered, by the way. Guarantee. But that's the reason I know that Echidnas have four. decks. Or at least a dick that splits in the fore. That's not at all unlike why he knows what bifurcated means. Right. Absolutely. I am 99% sure that Akidna's are

marsupials. They probably are, man. That means marsupils get more dicks than us. It's bullshit. I would also like to defend myself. Is that why they're not mammals? That's the only reason. And pouts. Oh, morpropial like mammals? Oh, maybe they're different kind of mammals. No, they're mammals. Can I defend myself two for a second? Oh, brother

where they'll came out when I was like in fifth or sixth grade. I feel like that's when I would have learned bifurcated anyways, so I guess it ain't that dumb that I learned it from that movie. Right. You know what I'm saying? I just now thought of it. It's like, well, when the fuck would you learn bifurcated? Who the fuck's talking about bifurcated shit all the time?

I'm sorry, I'm just so stuck on the fact that if you're like into marsupials as a scientist, as a biologist, you're into the multi-dict. It doesn't look like a kidnas or marsupials, but they are one of four... Show me a regular one. They are one of four egg-laying mammals.

They lay eggs. I also thought that was a marsupial thing, man. So they're hedgehoggy. They look like, right. They're hedgehoggy. Okay, it's them, the Duckbill platypus. Oh, no, it's actually not four. It's just, there are four versions of echinas.

Oh, okay. And the four versions of echinas and the platypus. Okay. Are the only living mammals that lay eggs. I see, say, platypus is the only one I knew about. No, me too. Yeah, I misread it. It's that there's four times.

How many dicks do platypuses have? Let's find out. If the platopus has many dicks, that'll just be too much for me. If platypus has had two dicks. Yeah. You got puss in your name. You got two dicks in your pants. I literally am Googling plattipus dicks.

Man, we've really, uh... Double-headed penis. How many dicks the sharks have? There's something about being a mammal, laying eggs, and having more than one dick. But I can't connect it to the fucking kangaroo and possums, which are my... Like I said, kangaroos have, they have a triple dick. I'm pretty sure possums are marsupials, right? Yeah.

Well, yes. Yeah, no, they are. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they got pouches, I think. Yeah, they do. It's like, it's weird how they pick that shit. It's like, well, they got pouches, so they're marsupials. Well, why can't we get the double and triple dick and quadruple dick?

That should be its own group. You know what I mean? Like, what kind of mammals are those? Well, they're the many dicks. The multi-dicks. platypuses have a possum-like bifurcated penises. It said bifurcated? It did.

That hits for me. That's for me too. All right. This story is actually pretty brief, but it's going to hit for you guys very much. Andy and I have started a family business. This is a move that we've done because of Trump's fucking taxes or whatever that fucked over the middle class. We, and this is hurting us as performers, can ride off way less than we used to be able to ride off.

We've got to pay more in taxes, even though these fucking businesses, like fucking Amazon aren't paying shit. I keep thinking that maybe we should just stop paying taxes because every time I hear of some white dude that don't pay taxes, it just keeps working out. Yeah, well, we're not rich enough, but we'll get there one day. Well, I like paying taxes. Right. So to be able to write stuff off, some of the stuff off that we used to just be able to

write off because, you know, we are traveling comedians and blah, blah, blah, like, for example, meals, if you incorporate, you can do that. Now, we have a business, but we don't run our meals through it. And that conversation is what got me started with it. accountant and he recommended we started a family business earl had told me we should do that to and i there's a lot of different reasons to so i was like all right we're going to do it okay but i what do you mean just like you guys didn't start doing anything differently about how you live your lives you just like set an entity that is but is this incriminate it you're a law you're not

incriminating at all this is all legal and no tray there are changes like pretty soon i'm gonna sell or give all my shares in our company well read to my company that's about to happen i just got the company set up i yeah that's not really what i'm asking like our our company that the three of us have together i get because it represents our like touring entity and we get paid for touring and it goes through our company yeah and you and andy what do you what's your income what's your business's income anything creative so i will bill well read from my company but like if she's gets an acting gig, this play she's doing,

she'll get them to make the checks out to our family business. Okay. So anything involved in that. Okay. All right. But like the job she has selling furniture, she can't do that one. All right.

All right. So that's what we're doing. That's the plan. I know she saw furniture. Sort of. I mean, she does. But it's not like... She sort of sells furniture.

Well, she sets up displays at Costco's for this other company. Oh, she's a window dresser. Yeah. That's a good gig. So, we set this up, we go meet the accountant, we do all that. Me and him are talking about all the financials, and, like, you know, it's a little bit detailed or whatever. Andy spaces out as she does. Right.

We set it all up. We get the paperwork. That's why she only sort of sells furniture. We get the paperwork back. And, of course, right there at the top, it's like CEO, Drew Morgan. And we're about to... Of course. We're about to set up a bank account.

Naturally. Well, the patriarchy is about to get dismantled. if I know where anything's going. So we go to set up this bank account and she's like, why does it do it when you leave? Because we're about to get a check made out to the company that she got.

It's her check. It's a lot of money. It's four, and this is something I want to talk about on the podcast. Andy won a settlement because she got sexually harassed with this bullshit job in New York.

They're taxing... I don't know. Maybe I'm not allowed to say this, but that like banquet thing? Yes. They're taxing us on that and the government, if you win a settlement like that, taxes you as if it's your wages,

as if her job was literally to be sexually harassed. She is an actress. So, exactly. So that's the mood she's in. Right. Yeah, but is there anything they don't do that too? But like, don't call it wages. Just literally do something different.

Set something aside. But they're going to get theirs. I know. There's a fucking rape tax. I know, but like, they're just, they're going to get theirs. Not that Andy was right. But anyway, so we're dealing with that. And she's like, well, I'm going to get this check.

I'm going to go put it in the bank. And I'm like, yeah, I think you can do it without me because you're an officer. But you're not the CEO. She's like, oh, so you're just the CEO? And I was like, Wendy, I mean, you did kind of space out during the finance talk, which is fine. And she goes, well, what am I? And I go, I don't know. She said, I'm going to look.

She said secretary. She is the fucking secretary. So she goes there. She comes back stormed and storm. I'm the fucking goddamn secretary. I'm going to go, why did he do this? He being the accountant. This is fucking bullshit, Drew.

I'm going to call him right now. I'm like, well, Andy, I don't know. I mean, that's what there was like, she's like, why couldn't it be vice president? Why couldn't it be literally anything else? Why couldn't I be the fucking CEO? I'm going to call him right now. I'm like, well, okay, we'll fire him. I mean, you're right.

Like, that's a little weird that it was automatically that. We'll fire him, you know, blah, blah, blah. And a little bit later, I'm over there and I just see the paperwork. She doesn't have the authority as a secretary. No, she can't do that. Absolutely not. That's got to go through the rude. But I agreed with it.

So, you know, it's going to be fine. And that is one of the things I told her. But that's okay. She's not allowed to collude with the CEO on things. So, uh, secretary's been colluding with the CEO since the beginning of time. Please don't take away the best part of the job for the CEO. That's true. That's right.

It's right. Yeah, that's true. Well, anyway. I go to look at the paperwork. I'm reading it. And it says, CEO, me. Has Andy read the paperwork? Shut the fuck.

come up and try to tell the goddamn story. You're burying all my leads. God damn it. You never do that to me. So, it says CEO Drew. You go, Secretary Andy, CFO, Drew. And I'm like, Andy, have you read this?

And she goes, no. And I go, did you know I was two officers? She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I'm like, there's three different officers on here. And I am the CFO, the CEO, and you're the secretary. So now she's fucking living. And I'm like, Andy, but look. it says right here that no matter how many officers we have

we have to have these three see I told you you were jumping the gun you got mad at him for making you a secretary but he had to he had to make somebody the secretary Andy like there's three the state of California requires that you have these three positions it can be the same person it can be different people but it requires that you fill those three positions because it's also correct if I'm wrong but that that type of secretary is very important it's not like receptionist secretary no you're the corporation secretary

Right. Like you're the, like the Secretary of Defense. Right, exactly. Right. Exactly. So, I'm pointing that out to her and I'm like, I get that you're upset. But like, and she goes, all right, well, he could have made me the fucking CFO. And I was like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't fucking say it, Drew. And I go, Andy, if you can tell me what a CFO is. Oh, Andy, I even know that. God damn. We will fire him right now. Oh, my God. and she

she goes well it's it's corporate fucking officer Drew and I'm gonna tell him to kiss my ass oh my god and I fell into the floor laughing

and I was like I can't wait to tell him you better not tell him I'm like Andy you got mad that he made you secretary found out that he had to make somebody secretary because it's required

and then you didn't know what CFO meant and she's like well it's fucking bullshit I should still be co-ceo and I'm like and you can be we can now make you anything that we want. This was just to set up the paperwork.

She's still furious. If she listens to this, she's going to be livid with me. Does she listen? Because I was going to chop this out and just text it to her. Yeah, just what I was good. Yeah. Congratulations.

I heard you got a new job. It's fucking awesome. So I want to ask when you were, yeah, I got questions. Setting it all up. Was it you who was talking to the person who was setting it up? We were both there.

Like, we were both there. Okay. Him making me the C.S. made the most sense in the world. The CEO versus secretary thing was because, and the reason I say that, is because when we started talking about specific finances,

I had way more questions, was way more interested, and told him I wanted him to teach me the books because I was going to take over that eventually. But was it also you who, like, who, like, brought it to him and were the way like... No, we came together, and we had a lot of questions, and she had a plan.

The other thing I told her, and I accidentally left this part out, probably when I was screaming at Corey, I apologize. No problem. You deserved it. But probably during that time I left this out, another thing we talked about is setting up a separate company

for any movies she makes in the future and making those production companies so that any liability on set is confined within that company. And we would write a check from this company. It was a little convoluted, but my point is I was like, Andy, he remembers that and he took it as we're going to do that and soon, and that was going to be your company. that was my explanation to her to why he made her CEO it's a good like that's a valiant effort on

your part but that is not at all what happened no what happened was he had to make one person can't believe it man but that's a good play like that's a good I did go to one meeting without her but she had to be at work but yeah I think he'd already done it by then I think that's the meeting he gave me the paperwork before y'all walked through the door absolutely true he was trained to do it. Yeah. That's what he does. But it was written literally.

It was never going to be any other way. To be fair to her is what she's mad about. Right. She's like, look, it might have been that you should be the CEO, but no one even, he just didn't even ask us. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Also, okay, to me and Andy are very similar. We've talked about this a shit ton.

If me and you had gone into this same fucking meeting, I'd have came out the goddamn I'm secretary. It had been the same way. I guarantee it. Absolutely. You might not have been on the list, but yeah. I'm saying if it was literally just me and you in their house. Okay, yeah, sure.

Oh, fuck you. I can do stuff Andy can do. No, you're right. I probably can't. I think Joe has a good point because I think he's right. I think if you replaced Andy with him in every step of the process, you still would have been the CEO and the CFO and all of that. And Corey would have been the secretary.

and all that. If y'all were a gay couple who were married, I think it would have went the same way. But Andy's point is that's not what happened and that's not in her mind the only reason it happened and I think she's right about that because she was very involved. I mean she was the one who brought up the production

company, et cetera, et cetera, which is why I went with that argument. She's correct that I mean unless she'd went in there you know, she's a lawyer and an accountant and I'm just some fucking idiot who's clearly high Well, genuinely,

If it would have been a 60-40 split He'd talking to me, he still would have done it anyway. Okay, all right. Okay, well, that's what I was about that. I know both of you. There's no way. This is in California, right?

Yeah. Okay. Genuinely, I'm asking, if y'all would have came through the door and Andy was doing all the talking and laying everything out and all that and you were there, but Andy was sort of steering the boat or whatever

as far as the conversation. goes, do you think that he still would have made you the CEO when he wrote the shit? No, I think he would have asked, though. Yeah, maybe. And here's why, I think writing down that a man is secretary, when there's a woman that you could write down for it, would have given him pause. That's what I think. I think he probably would have been like, well, she's a CEO, but God damn, I'm going to make him the secretary? Part of me feels like that guy's probably in, probably ran into a similar type of situation.

multiple times like I don't know I mean I don't know but I'm saying I wonder if if if if it would have played out that way would he have treated it any differently on this note I don't know the answer to this but like so you know how like it ain't right to call you call them flight attendants now not stewardesses right well okay why first off do you know why that is do you have like any idea why that is, like, why the word stewardess is. Because it's one of those words that was invented to differentiate women for men, because a steward is a thing. Why is a stewardess, there's not a doctorist, you know?

I just always assumed it's because there's not, I mean, dude, in my experience, and we fly all the time, there's almost as many guys that work that same job. And obviously, you can't call those dude stewardesses. You call them a steward. Right, yeah, but. But like, but what I'm saying is like, it's simpler to say flight attendant.

It's just like, it's just like, I was. I was a server for years. It's the same thing with waiter versus waitress. Just say server instead. No, no. Which is easier, you know. Mr. Butt? No, I know that's easier.

And I know we've had this argument before, but, like, Mr. Butcher. Actor and actress, like, to me is not exactly the same thing because the thing that you're settling on is the same word, which maybe I didn't make sense just now. No, no, no, no, I got you. But if you're acting, you're an actor. If you're waiting, if you're waiting tables, there's waiter and waitress.

So when we said, fuck all that, let's just say server. Right. Or if there's stewardess or stewardess and stewards, fuck all that, let's just say flight attendant. Right. So when there's actor and actress, why isn't there this other word that is still the same thing? But it's literally from the same language doctor came from.

Why are there no doctoris? Right. And how offensive would it be to call somebody a doctoris? Doctrists? Yeah, I'd be insane. You would fucking never. It's the idea that your sex has anything to do with your job. Right.

And I'm saying there are other, there are these other jobs that acknowledge that that is bullshit, but they, but like. We should have all went with Thespian. Is that what you're saying? I guess what I'm saying. I mean, I mean, well, you know, I mean, yeah, why not? Like if we, if we went with Serer. I honestly think that word won't take off because it rhymes with lesbian. Probably, you're probably right.

But sincerely, if we went with. We went with server and flight attendant. Why didn't we go with Thespian or some other word that just means? You don't have to agree with this, but the argument is that actress should have never been a word. I agree. Women weren't allowed. Women weren't allowed to do it. When they were starting to be allowed to do it, they were like, we need a new word.

And we can go, fuck that. But you can make that same argument for stewardesses and waitresses and whatever. and what happened in that scenario was here's another word that works just as well that is gender neutral and let's just use that. But you're acting like these things happen at the same time like in a room, you know, like in a vacuum. I don't think that it was conscious.

Those happen independently of each other. But they happened independently of each other. Like someone was like, we should just say flight attendant. Everyone was like, fine. The reason. You know what I mean? Maybe if someone would have pushed harder for Stewart, it might have won out.

no one was pushing for it before we before i complete i want to keep talking about this but but i want to say why i brought it up before i forget and i just seem like an insane person uh the word secret like the word stewardess very related like when you hear that you're like a female flight attendant i feel like that's just like when you hear secretary someone's secretary the first thing you think of no matter how woke you try to be your condition to think that's a woman and that's what you think happens well but i'm saying when are when's there going to be a new We're like going to get a new word for a dude that's a secretary. Hold on.

But in fairness, though, because, like, on the one hand, you're right. If you meet a random person, they say, I'm a secretary. That is how you feel. But at the same time, some of the most powerful people on planet Earth are secretaries. No, I know. The Secretary of State. Like you said earlier, Secretary of Defense. No, I know.

Secretary also means a very, very, very powerful position. My point was, I can't believe there hasn't been in a number. word for that The secretary of my office in Knoxville when I was a public defender was the most powerful woman in the fucking county. That aside, I did want to say this before we got out of here and I forget. Andy is horrible under pressure, especially when she's

angry. She absolutely knew what the fuck CFO meant, but me asking her and being pissed and knowing that I was making fun of her is why she couldn't think of Chief Financial Officer because she don't give a fuck about shit like that. You know who can't be a CFO? Somebody that fucking buckles under pressure, Drew. Well, and she's going to listen to this, Corey, and I don't. allow her to talk to you about that.

See how you do under pressure. She fucking whip, buddy. And buckles. It ain't no pressure. She just bites my titty and runs off and it don't hit. God damn, she bites so hard. So hard, dude. I told you, I hadn't talked about it on a podcast.

One time, Andy, if I told you this when he's in New York, one time I fucking woke up, got, I was. You did talk about this on a podcast, I thought. I'd tell it just in case the podcast get out of here. Whatever. We was in New York one time, and I'm certain, by the way. Is this about Andy assaulting you? she's assaulted me too.

Oh, she's assaulted me several times. She's a very specific. She's a very violent woman. Oh, she's the worst. She's going to beat up our accountant. Yeah. That actually sounds like a CEO. I'll be honest with you.

We were in New York. I told her she could be CEO. And I said something, and I don't know what it was, but I promise you, it sucked, and I promise you I deserve this. But Andy... She'd be biting people whether they deserve it or not. She likes the buck.

She has bitten me when it was... I didn't do shit. But she came up and she bit my ass on the motherfucking titty. like so fucking hard. Why I was hammered drunk and I didn't I didn't remember that at all. I woke up the next day and I had a and there wasn't no color or nothing

but there was a knot on my nipple and buddy, you know how I am. Like I'm like the most fucking hypochondriac goddamn paranoid fucking dude ever. You? Right, exactly. I've literally been in the emergency room this year. So all day I was like,

I got fucking cancer. Like that's just what it is and spent the whole day thing and I had fucking cancer until I went and talked to Andy again. She was like, oh, no, hell, I bet your teddy last night. And I was like, thank God you bit my teddy last night. And then I wasn't even mad at her anymore. Well, yeah, I mean, that's, that ain't secretary material.

Titty bitters. Hell no. No. That's CEO material, yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. Well, my first move as CEO is just going to make her CEO. I don't want to deal with it anyway. Plus, we're going to fuck up and do something illegal,

and I want her ass to go to jail. She'll get way less time to me. There it is. Because that's the only advantage women do have in this country is. I'll get wayless fucking jail time. Absolutely. Well, on that note, let's get the fuck out of here. All right.

Ski-skiy! Thank you all for listening to the Well Red podcast. It once worked good, but now it is. Hators can eat our ass.