wellRED podcast - #119 - You've Never Been To a Waffle House??? w/ Chris Cheney

Episode Date: May 30, 2019

Comedian Chris Cheney stops by the podcast to talk about Waffle Houses, the Italian Language, and dates in the south gone horribly wrong! wellredcomedy.com bluechew.com (PROMO CODE RED)

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because you used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now, skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people, people across the skew universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery,

getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions,

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So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know,

put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money. What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid.

Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help.

So cancel your unwanted subscriptions or reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the. What's going on? Butheads.

It's your boy, the show. Wellred comedy.com. W-E-L-R-E-D comedy.com. Spelled just like the podcast. Come see us this weekend in New York at Carolines. Then we're at the Stress Factory. Then we're on to Huntsville, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama. Asheville, North Carolina, Detroit, Michigan, all over the place.

Here's the episode. I'm so fucking sorry that it's taking two days, but I love you. And here's me and Drew and Cheney, and we're going to talk about farts and shoes and dates gone bad. Love you and skew. Well, well, well. Yo. So you've had a big couple weeks. Here we are, buddy. I've had a ridiculous couple weeks.

I shit myself, but I kept it between the cheeks. Uh-huh. Episode 50, right? I posted it on Twitter and I said between the sheets. Yeah. So I don't know. I'm a moron, I guess. How are my levels?

Should I turn this air conditioner off? No, it's fine. What about the coffee pot? That's fine. What about the marching band we invited into our room? It's all okay. At least we're getting a fucking podcast out. If you heard that gremlin giggle, that's our boy, Chris Cheney.

If you're big in the meme game, or maybe you're a fan of backpacks, you might know his work. He's going to be on Real World San Antonio, the bad part of town. Real World 57 coming up on MTV 9. Sponsored by a discontinued axe body spray shampoo. What's up, guys? No, not much. Where are you doing, buddy? Chill it, man.

All right, well, I kept my promise you could be on the podcast. Anyway, Corey. Let's fuck him. I'm first and foremost well-read podcast listeners. I'm tremendously sorry that we didn't get a podcast out yesterday, but there was just so much bullshit that went on and then my plane was delayed. literally by like five or six hours it's the longest plane to I've ever had

that didn't just end up cancel on the flight because that's happened to me before but this one was like five or six hours I fucking got shit face at a TGI Friday so like trust me I had a worse day than you did not listening to the goddamn podcast but I am sorry TGI Fridays is a thing where it's got God in the title

but it's also proof that God is either not real or hates us exactly dude like everybody I posted about I was like I'm at TGI Friday's fucking hating myself I'm on a delayer but it's like, well, hey, at least the spinach artichoke dip is good. And I, in my mind, like, you know, I try not to be cynical. I was like, you know what, they're right.

Miller Light tastes the same at every restaurant, and their spinach artichoke dip. No, it's not good. Taco Bell's good. Chili's is fine. Yeah. TGI Friday's fucking. Fucking sucks. Chilies is amazing.

Yeah, I know. It's fine. Which is amazing. The one thing I'll say about TGI Fridays is, hand of God, the shit that you get from the freezer that says TGI Fridays taste taste exactly like the restaurant. Like, they're staying on brand like they, they just. just that's what they do. Their kitchen is just a set of microwaves.

There's one dude back there named Emilio running them all. They don't pay him enough. And then they have the waiters back there yelling at him. I'm like, where's my spin dip? And he's like, it's not done. This week's episode, as you can tell, is brought to you by TGI Fridays. You know what I like about TGI Fridays, Drew? What do you like that?

Not a goddamn fucking thing. They fuck up spinach, artichoke dip. It's cheese, artichokes, and spinach. Why it tastes like shit. All them things taste good. Put them together. It should be fine. I can't imagine the scenario where it's Friday.

And I'm like, you know what I want to do. Go to Fridays. Go to this fucking chain restaurant where everyone dresses like a racist parade leader from the 1930s. You know what? This artichoke dips real shitty, but I know it would make it better. 30 people I hate. How about that? Can we do that?

So which is the best chain then? The best chain? It's Chili or Outback. Chili's is definitely one of them. I like Outback. Big fan of Longhorn Steakhouse. I like as far as... Longhorn is good.

Texas Roadhouse count? I like Texas Roadhouse. I was actually talking about Texas Roadhouse the other day. I actually have the which chain is the best chain conversation with my wife all the time. It's two chains.

It's two chains is the best chain. Yeah, for sure. But Texas Roadhouse, in my opinion, has the best cheese fries in the game. Their cheese fries are amazing and their bread is amazing. That's the key to a good chain.

If you have good free bread up front, I'll forgive you for a lot of shit. Maybe that's why old Charlie's has been in business for so long. Because their roles are fine. But I hate everything else about that place. I do, too. The only good thing about that is you get the free bread.

You don't know what an O'Charlie's is? No. You're from Boston and they don't have O'Charlie's? No. That's not what they do. Although Cracker Barrel's in the South. Yeah. But it seems like O'Charlie's would be a Boston.

Cracker Barrel is the best chained. That's what it is. Cracker Barclan. It's a rope. Yeah. So. Waffle House is different. It is different.

It's closer to a McDonald's. It's its own thing. I've yet to be at a Waffle House. You've never been to a Waffle House? What about when you came to visit me? We didn't go to a Waffle House? No, we did not. Tell your story.

When I visited you story? Oh my. You might have to help me because, wait. So it was after your Knoxville theater show. Yeah. We went to, you know what? I knew this was going to be a good time because we went to the bar. It was an old lady up front who was supposed to be the bouncer.

She had a podium or whatever, and then Trey was, like, giving her his ID and shit. That was two years ago, right? Yeah. Yeah. And she was like, I know who you are. Can I have a picture? And I was like, oh, this place is fucking amazing. Plus, you were bigging it up the whole time.

You're like, this bar is going to be fucking awesome. So when we get in there and was- What bar was it? Was it Prez Pub? Or was it Mary Ann's? Was it karaoke or like a band? I, dude, this is so blurry. I don't even remember.

They did have a stage, though. Yeah, I think that was Prez Pub. Best Bar in the world. That's where we kicked off the well-red comedy tour three years ago. Yeah. Been closer to the four, buddy. Oh, that's true. And it was a regular time, but then the first time I went to the bathroom,

a girl came out, and she was like, oh, wow, you're pretty cute. I was like, oh, thanks. Just straight up said that to you. Yeah. That's my guy. Real World 57, San Antonio, the bad part of town. I was like, all right, this is going to be a good night. So I went in, and I came out, and then I saw her later.

She kept eyeing me the whole time. And then, so I had a bus to catch it six in the morning the next day, but now we're at the time where. To where. Nashville? Yeah, to Nashville. I catch my flight. Yeah.

So now we're into the next day. So now, I don't even remember what day this was, but it was like one in the morning, so I have five hours to get this flight. And you guys are all leaving, and I'm leaving, and then she sees me leaving. And she goes, hey, I'm leaving. Do you want to come with me? I was like, wow, that's aggressive. And also, no, I have a bust to catch in like four hours.

Great line. Yeah. No, girl, I got a bus to catch. Yeah. She's like, oh, never mind. You had airplane hair, but now I realize you have bus money. So it's at that point where... This is gray hair, everybody.

Thanks, man. I appreciate you. But it's at this point, I turn around and go to you because we're all leaving. I'm like, hey, that girl just aggressively wanted me to go back to her apartment or wherever the fuck she lives. And you were like, you were stupid. I'll leave the door open. Go with her and then just grab your stuff and then go to the bus whenever. I was like, all right, but she had already left.

So she gave me your number. And I texted her. I was like, you know what, I'm going to come over. And then I told you where it was, and you said, oh, boy, that's not a great area. I don't remember where it was, but I told you, and you're like, good luck with that. We're in Knoxville, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know. And then, so I get in a cab, not an Uber or anything.

I call the cab somehow. I don't even remember how I got it. God damn, you're so fucking up here. Yeah, I know. It's where you are. It's insane. So then I tell the guy where I'm going, he's like, wow, that's not a great area. I was like, really?

He's like, yeah. And I was like, all right, so I'm going there to meet a girl I just met. Do you mind, like, hanging out for 10 minutes, like, around the corner? He's like, yeah, I got you, buddy. You guys are very hospitable, like, very nice. Some of the nicest people I met down in Knoxville when I was visiting. So I get in there. She's out for-

When you get robbed in this area, they will apologize profusely. Absolutely. When I go up, look, now, I don't want to be judgmental, but it seemed, based on the other places I had been, that this could maybe be Section 8 housing. I don't know exactly what it was. Okay. But it was more ranch-style complex. All right.

Where a lot of people, now we're talking three in the morning. I have a bus to catch in three hours. Mad people outside, she's waiting for me because we're texting the whole cab drive. And I walk up. I don't know if the other people know what's about to happen, but she basically grabs me immediately. They know what's about to happen. Probably. So we get in there and she goes, oh, shit, hold up.

My dog, I remember, is out of the cage. I'm going to go put it in the cage. That's not a good sign. That's when I'm at this point... We don't normally put our dogs in cages. Yeah, at this point I'm like, oh, this is where I get jumped. This is where I get robbed. I shared my location to you, Drew, so at least you knew where the last place I was ever going to be was.

I'm like, fuck, I'm about to get slaughtered. Oh, look, you tell me where the body is. Yeah. No, but so I go in, there's no furniture in this chick's apartment. None. And I see no dog. I hear no dog. I did no cage anywhere.

And her living room is empty. It's dark. I don't understand what's happening. So we go in her room, and she has a mattress on the floor. floor and she has like uh she cared way more about her Xbox than anything else in her life I think because it was so cute like she had this nice

little case for it and like all the shit was around everything nice neatly like clothes all over the place everything around the Xbox was great and above that was the TV and then like a cork vision board a shit well was she hot yeah she was cute okay I wouldn't have done this unless she was cute I was but I say she seems like she must have had to be good looking

yeah I mean I give points on the accent I think that helped a lot always does yes I remember remember being cute. Yeah, she was cute. Tell us about this vision board, Chris. Yes. Was your face on it? No, my face was not it. But, um, so now I'm in this chick's space. I'm trying to make sure that everything's comfortable, you know, I don't want to, this is already a weird situation. I got to try to de-escalate whatever anxiety to have both of us have, because I know we both have it, because I thought I was about to get murdered 30 seconds ago.

So I'm asking these, she's got pictures on the court board and shit. I'm like, oh, who's this? She's, oh, that's my dad. He's in jail. And I was like, okay, that's good. And then I asked someone, I, is it. All him showing up. Yeah, no. So then I asked about a female, and she was like, oh, that's my blank. I forget exactly what it was. She's dead.

I was like, oh, I'm two for two. This is, we're doing real great. So you kept going? No, I mean, I was about to ask more questions. And then she turned on the Xbox for some reason. I was like, oh, I think she used it as, like, her nightlight. Yeah. I think she used, because there was.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't know. So then she, she's like, I think we know why we're both here. And I was like, yeah, I think we both do also. She is, okay. So you got to start playing Xbox.

That would have been a better experience, honestly. That would have been way funner. But she goes, okay, no oral.

You can look me in the eye, but also if you want to close your eyes during the whole thing and think of someone else that's totally fine. I was like,

what the fuck? What is this? So then we start in... I know exactly what it is. It's a girl who's dad's in prison and only has an Xbox. Yes, exactly.

And apparently she also had roommates, but there's no dog, no roommates. There's nothing in this girl's I don't understand what's happening. So then we start, I don't even, commencing is a bad term. I don't know how to say this started, but whatever happened started happening. And then, so now I'm terrified because she just, the whole situation is just ridiculous.

So I'm working my way to get hard. But it's hard because I'm staring at a dead woman. It's so difficult. Which is cool, but the Xbox is distracting. Yes, there's a lot going on. Because also in my mind, like, we could be fine. Your job would have been if he got hard because of the dead woman. I'm an idiot.

That's all right. Sorry, Chris. You were telling us about a traumatic experience and Corey and I are trying to punch it up. Please continue. I'm down to take the notes. I need notes. I would love to be able to tell us on stage. So then we're getting to the point where like we're both kind of getting into it now.

But then she starts biting me. And when I say biting me neck. And dude, also, no, the first one was the chest. And I got enough chest boob, like, flab where I was like, ow, lady, what the fuck was that? Ow lady! That's perfect line. I was like, God damn.

She was biting me, dude. And, like, I'm saying, like, she was trying to get blood out of me. Like, she was a vampire. I was like, can we not bite? Like, she laid some ground rules down. I thought it was my turn. I laid one down. Yeah, no biting, please.

And she was like, but I'd like it. And I was like, yeah, but I don't. Right. The consent thing in this whole thing is weird. Right. I don't know. I don't understand what's happening. But then, so now, now,

I'm fighting the boner because the pain is taking all the blood away back to the surface area of my skin on my neck. So I'm trying to get back into it. You're trying to heal and fuck. It's a hard combo. It's not good. But she just keeps biting the shit out of me and it gets harder every time. So at one point, I'm like, look, this isn't happening because you just keep profusely biting me. And slowly, she's like warming up to the idea of like cuddling.

So remember at the beginning, she's like, no or you can look at my eye or you don't have to. It doesn't matter. So now I'm like, can we just kind of. of like spoon and she's looking at me all weird and she's like I guess this is just gone so awry so I tamed this southern animal to the point where she stopped biting the dog the whole time this is animal she was not in the cage she let the dog out of the cage and you put it back in um so yeah so it got to the point in the dog I'm telling you there's no dog anywhere okay did you spoon her yeah spoon her it was tight she was really small so I was like I had a good

Big spoon action. You know what I mean? It was nice. I like to cuddle. So then, yeah. And then, um, it, that took about two and a half hours. So now I had to go to your house. Grab my shit.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What? Did, like, did y'all... Nothing happened. No. After all that. Nothing. You went to the goddamn PJs.

Yeah. And had a girl with just a Xbox whose dad's in jail. Just bite you on the chest. A lot. And then you're like... And her neck. He said no. She kept doing it.

Yeah. You have been to a Waffle house. I don't even know why that's funny because I've never been to a waffle house. No, no. He went to a waffle home. Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's hilarious. So, yeah, I don't know how it took that long for that whole thing to happen because by the time I left, I was like, oh, shit. So I had to go to your house.

You left the door open. And I'm also scared of your dog because your dog and I had a weird interaction. That checks out. Mick has to get to know you. Yeah, because I went to your house and Andy wasn't there yet. So it was just me and the dog. I was trying to tame it with cheese. The girl was harder to tame than Mick, though.

Because you didn't have any cheese. I didn't have any cheese. I didn't have any cheese. All you had was a nice, juicy neck and a semi-hard dick. Yeah, no, I was throwing spaghetti around and she wasn't having it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so that's when I go into your bathroom, because I had like 15 minutes before the cab was coming or some shit. And that's what I made you guys that video, and I sent it to you with all the bite marks and shit all over me.

Oh, yeah. I wonder if I still have that somewhere. It's in there somewhere. It might be in a group chat with us. it with the podcast. I'm kidding. You can post it. I don't know if I have it. It's around this somewhere. I'll try to find it. A picture with him getting have been a bit on the test. He sent me

a video. Like, I woke up to a video of him telling me that story with the bite marks and everything. And he was hammered drunk. And his hair still look perfect. Wait. Hold up. Yo, you still got that girl's number? I do. I didn't store her, but she's in my phone somewhere.

Why do I think her name was Scout? What the fuck? Why do I think her name was Scout? Probably because you made that up in your fucking brain I think her name was Scout Because that's a dog's name Hey come here, Scout You almost fucked a dog, dude

That's what happened I think you were hammered and you fucked the dog Yo, was that the night We were doing mushrooms at the Bejou? Probably Dog, I think you fucked a dog Did you do mushrooms at night? No, okay

Okay, because I know that normally when we go to Knoxville We do mushrooms shout out of the Beesu Theater in Knoxville for North Carolina's with mushrooms. You know what was really nice? She texted me like four days later She's like, hey, I just want to see if you got home okay

And I was like, wow, I did. Thank you, Scout lady, dog. And I was like, I really did Tamer. She was such a nice girl. I'm gonna try to find your DNA in her teeth And she was trying to frame you for her dad's murder, I think is what happened. I'm gonna try to find her text while we keep doing this.

Man, there's part of me. And I mean, you know, don't do it. But like if we were a worst podcast and we were worse people, I'd really like to call her. I'd like to prank call her. Like put her on her. But yo, you remember a couple years ago, you bit a Yankees' neck? I don't want to do that at all.

No, I said if we were worse people. Oh. And a worst podcast. You know what was, I remember, though? Because remember I was trying to do the southern accent the entire time I was with you guys? Yeah, it was awesome. I was telling you, I do that when I'm with fucking you and Lajewski. Yeah, oh, what's going on?

You want some Zah motherfucker? In the video I recorded, I would explain the bite marks. I have like a small shitty southern accent because the entire time I was trying to do it. She turned you. She changed you. Yeah. She's the scout master. Yeah.

Queen of the Waffle Home. Well, God damn, I don't know how to follow that story, but we're going to have to. Maybe we should cut it out and put it at the end. That sounds probably a pretty good idea. You're not going to do it. No, I might not. I'm kind of, I'm batting around. I'm batting around the thought of also slipping in here the reason that we're having to redo this podcast,

which was that me and Amber were, so we, you know, we were on a break. Trey is in, he's in Wayne County, right? Yeah. And Trey says that Wayne County, among several things, they have a, uh, uh, uh, They just passed a bill where you're not allowed to hit in the city, like, at all. So, like, there's no internet, no nothing. He literally has to drive to town, like, once a day just to check his fucking email. And I'm not...

Like, they used to have to get bread? Yeah, but, like, I'm not even... I'm not exaggerating. Like, he literally has to leave the house he's at, drive down the street and sit there and, like, check fucking emails. And most of the emails are just him being like, I'm so sorry. I'm out here riding horses. I think I'm going to move to Wayne County.

No, it kind of sounds like it hits. Yeah. So, because of that, and because Drew was... in Key West and I was in Las Vegas, we weren't able to get together and do the remote podcast like we have been. So I was like, hey, you know what? It's everybody and sincerely, our listeners

love it when our wives come on. They fucking, they ask him, when's your wives? I was like, well, me and Amber will do something. Right. And it'll be fine. Amber, and I'm not... Uh-oh. Ooh, that was wet. But, wet Mr. Butt.

Wow. Mr. But took a dip in the pool. And you did it right next to the... Oh my God. Right into the fan! Why damn it, dude. As soon as you said you did it right into the fan, that motherfucker hit me right in the mouth. And, you know, it's one of those where I have been in Key West and then New York, I have not had pizza and beer like one day out of the last nine.

So it's just, buddy, it's brewing. Amber, you're about to get a mouthful in that shower of Drew's butt. Yeah, so anyways, as I was saying, and this is not a knock on you, babe. My wife is here. Amber, it's so bad. Amber doesn't really like to be. Every time Amber's been on the podcast, I very much had to like force her to be on.

Like, babe, please, I need to get this episode out. She doesn't like it. She's not a performer. And like, I love that about her. That's totally fine. But last night I was like, babe, I really, or two nights ago I was like, babe, I really need it. We got to fill an hour.

I got to put an episode out for these people. And I'm trying to figure out what we could do. So me and her were getting a little buzzed up. And I was like, hey, what if? I was like, what if we did like a watch a lot? to a movie or something like that. That way we could just kind of commentate on it. I think that would hit.

And I was like, what movie should we do? Oh, the perfect movie that I know all of our listeners have watched, Tombstone. We're going to watch Tombstone. And Amber's like, oh, my God, that's fucking great. We haven't watched that movie. I haven't watched that movie since you used to live in the crack house. And now we explain that on there.

And I'm like, oh, right on. So you'll be a little bit fuzzy on it. So you'll be asking me some questions when we're watching along. 10 minutes into the fucking watch along, and I'm thinking it's going great. Amber all of a sudden realizes, huh, you know I've never seen this movie before. And I was like, wait, what? She goes, yeah, I guess it's just, it's been on.

And I've been near when it's been on, but I've never seen this movie. And so we're like in the middle of recording this thing. And I realize it's like, well, I can't fucking, I can't have her watch Tombstone for the first time while I'm fucking bullshitting through it. Why not? Because she wouldn't be able to, like, I was talking through it. She wouldn't be able to pick up on the- whole time. I'd just be interrupting things.

That just sounds like a shitty experience for everybody. It was. It fucking sucks. So, like, I realized that, and we've been recording for like 15 minutes, and I was just like, well, I got nothing for the podcast now. And it was like fucking 12 o'clock, and I was tired, and I had to get up and get on a goddamn flight. So I just said, fuck it. You know what I'll do. We're getting to New York at like five.

Sure, the podcast will be late, but I'll still get it out on Wednesday because at five, Drew will be there. And I'll call Drew and we'll do a fucking podcast. And then, as we mentioned earlier in the podcast, I got delayed by five and six. hours and that fucking didn't happen. Yeah, they were like calling for a tornado here. Yeah. And, you know, New Yorkers are being super arrogant about that. Like Hurricane Sandy didn't almost murder everyone here.

Let me ask you this. Speaking of tornadoes, I went Facebook live from the TGI Fridays because I was feeling God in that Chili's. And so I go like and I... So that's my thing. They put God in the title of TGIF. But as far as I know, the only record we have of anyone feeling God in one of those places is in the Chili's.

Yeah. And I get it. Shout out DMX. Because their fucking chips and sauce are max. They're amazing. So I was live in there and I was like, hey, yo, you know, the podcast ain't going up. I'm delayed. I said, but really, the more serious thing is like, apparently it's tornado and up in New York.

And I just hope everybody is okay. And then, like, as soon as I said that, reply, reply, this motherfucker said tornadoing. Is that not, was that not what you say? Is that not a word? No, that ain't a word. Really? You made a noun a verb, though. That's like, the people be doing that.

But hadn't you heard a bunch in your life? Yeah, it's tornado down there. I don't think so. I'm trying to think of a papal saying that. It's tornado. I mean, my aunt Cindy, my papa told my aunt Cindy during a tornado once that he was cooking with canned electricity and she believed him. So, I mean, there's dumb people in my family, too. Yeah.

Yeah, so when the power goes out and my papal had a gas stove. That's your grandpa, right? Yeah. Okay. What do you all call them? My grandpa. But are there other words around Boston? Like, did you have friends?

that was like, you know, pop, pop. No. Peep, peep. No. Big Daddy. Grandpa. Just grandpa? Yeah.

I had no nicknames. No, I'm trying to think. I tweeted that the other day. The Alaskans have 40 plus words for snow. Southerners have 32 for Mamaw. I love that fucking tweet. I thought that was hilarious. Of course you.

Because what was the joke there? It was because they're, it's... Oh, yeah. They have 40 plus words for snow because it's pervasive, omnipresent. and unrelenting. Yeah, which is why we have 300 from Maymau. That's fucking hilarious. Corey, we did this show at a,

we did a bar show before he did the Better Day shit last night, and there was a... Oh, he just wants to talk about this because he did good and I bought him. No, that's not true. That's not what I was bringing up. And I was going to talk about the Italian lady that's there, and I have a joke where I talk about

quiffs, and she looks... She's looking at it. I talk about, I bring the idea to queues to the table. Just dynamite here, folks. Chris is clearly a degenerate. His whole story is, well, this dog lady tried to rape me, but then we ended up cuddling, and I have a joke about queef. It's so funny, because I haven't, like, thought about quefs in a while, but right before

y'all got here, the episode of South part, the Terrence and feel of quefe episode was all right. I was fucking dying laughing, so please go on about ques. No, but going on for, like, the fucking having mad words for shit, but not certain ones, is like, so I say quif, and the Italian lady's like, what the fuck is this? And I'm like, oh, you don't know what a quefe is? And she goes, no, I have no idea. So then, I'm trying to seem like a mansplaining it, I go, it's a pussy fart. I don't want a manspline here, man, but it's a pussy fart.

Yeah. So then she's like, oh, so now she knows what it is. I was like, what is pussy fart in Italian? And she goes, we don't have a word. And I was like, what? How do you not have a explanation in your language for what a quiff is? They have seven different words for love. Yeah.

But not one word for quiff. You know what's hilarious? It's like when you said the woman, you said, what's your word for pussy fart? And she said, I don't have one. I imagine like this really sexy Italian lady smoking like a really. thin cigarettes saying that. We do not have a... And it was so romantic to me.

Like, just everything Italians do is so romantic to me. Some things do not require a word. Just to experience them. God damn. By the way, we're both, I think, doing French accents.

We were. What is this pussy fart you speak of? In Italy. In Italy. We do not have the pussy fart. Is there a southern word for queef? Pussy fart

Queen Mama whistling I'm still trying to find this text message Well while you're trying to find that text message And we're talking about pussyfarts I'll tell you something I'd also like to talk about Is yeah good sex You guys remember the days

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No, I found the text message. Oh, you did? Okay, I did. Do you guys want to read it? I mean, out loud? Yeah, you guys are allowed. You want to be Scout and I'll be Chris? Yeah, yeah, hold on. So I'm in Gray? Yeah, you're the lady. Okay. All right, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna do Chris's voice. Yo, I wish I wasn't leaving in like four hours.

You wanna come over? You can stay too. I just got home. You're too cute to pass up. Yo, I can't stay because my bus is in literally four hours, but I do want to come over. So come over. What's your address? I'm not gonna say the address, because I think that would be rude. But yeah, that is the bad part of town. Okay, I'm coming now.

Apartment blank D, all the way at the bottom. I just hopped into a cab. I'll see you in a minute at the bottom. She did live at the bottom. Good. Tell me when you're in a cab emoji. Okay, guys, I know you sank, think I've just been doing like this voice and throwing... He literally wrote Word.

It's the honest way I'll let you know when I get in there. You want company? You want company? What the fuck is that? I don't... I think she wanted to come take the ride with me or something. Like, to the, like, on the, I don't know. Like, go with me on the computer.

Did you call her in between? No. Did you, because you had to go to my place to get your stuff? Yeah. She wanted to come to my place with you and then come back. I think so. Because, yeah, I want company. That's why I'm coming to your fucking apartment.

Yeah, anyway. He's almost here. I'm good. Appreciate you, though. Chill with the homies. Chill with the homies. What time is this at? Oh, you know what?

4.49 a.m. This is after you left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I don't know, is it going to be, yeah, this is not as after this. I mean, do you want us to keep going? This is later. I mean, I think you started dating this girl.

No, I didn't. But remember I told you how she checked in on me? That's the last part right there, is her checking in on me. It was nice to meet you, Chris. No, that's your line. Take care. No, no, yeah. We'll meet when I come back for sure.

It was nice to meet you, Chris, from New York. That's such a southern lady thing to say. Young Scout the God. If you come my way, let me know. I doubt I'll make it to New York But if I do I'll let you know Three flame emojis

Two thumbs up emojis I own three flame emojis You make it back in one piece Chris from New York Yeah barely but I did I was flying standby So I had to wait for a couple of flights

To have open seats But I made it back You fucked the guy who took the bus And it's flying standby This is how trashy she is You're fine with admitting That you flew standby Oh yeah big time

God damn I love her Should I text her? That's awesome. I just texted her, I love you. That's awesome. I'm glad. Just thought I'd check in.

Let me text her. What should I say? I don't know. Yo, I'm in New York. Are you here? Did you ever make it? Three flame emojis, word. I'm going to think of something.

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Dr.JL-D-L-Y.com today. Corey, are you going to, are you on a fat? Yeah, boy, I'm on a fat. And is New York going to continue that fat? Yeah, and like I know, I'm on a bender day. Trey always gets on to me when, like, I'll be on a fat at home. Because I've been on a fat drunk, like, not just a fat. Sometimes. That's a good fat. I mean, they just go hand and hand. Well, I don't know. Sometimes when I'm on a drunk, I'm also on a broth, like it's all liquid.

And sometimes when I'm on a fat and ain't booze, it's just a fat. But this has been a fat drunk. And a lot of times, Trey gets mad at me. And I don't blame him because, like, I'll pull a fat and a drunk when I'm at home. I blame him. It's not his goddamn business when you pull a fat. Actually, that's true. Fuck him.

I don't blame him for getting mad at me for living my life the way I want to. But, like, he'll want to. You know, that's really, that's fair for him to get mad at me for living how I want to. Well, he'll want to go out and fat and drunk, and I'm just like, man, I've been fatten and drunken and I don't want to. But...

Well, what I will say is... New York, it's impossible for me. Right. And you're his show. Yeah. And so I guess I get that. The show. Yeah.

No, you know what it does? He treats me like, he's like, look, man, if you don't fat and drunk, what is this all for? Like, I can get somebody that don't fat and drunk. That ain't hard, but you're my... You fat and drunk.

I want you to eat noodles and drunk. Honestly, I think that I just realized why I defend you so hard. It's because when you do that, I'm like, I'm like, oh shit, I don't bring anything to the table in this fucking category. Hey, you're a hell of a drunk. I am a hell of a drunk. Boy, I've been on

one. Well, me, me too. I agree you are a hell of a drunk. And New York is just like, New York's too good of a fucking eating and drinking town. I know, I can't stop. Literal first thing I did, like, we were on the plane. I was drunk on the plane. I just eaten at a TGI. Friday. And usually when I've done that, in my

brain my brain goes to like whatever you do next will be broth or beats or something i'm as full as shit and drunk and i'm like i'm tell you right fucking now the first thing we're doing we get off that plane is going to the first irish pub we see and i'm eating fishing chips and i'm getting a beer as big as my fucking house and we did that and it was fucking great wasn't it babe thank you great content so what how was key west have we talked about key west it was great i broke a 30 day sobriety california california so I'd stop drinking for 30 days and... You get your tortilla chip when that happens.

The amount of people who listen to this podcast and we'll get that joke is sad. It's a reference to rehab, Chris. Now that you're 30, you'll have to learn what that is soon. Soon, definitely soon. Keep texting Scout. You'll get there. I don't know what to say. I'm scared. Yeah, you should be.

Here, Corey, you do it. I got it. Go ahead, Drew. Went down there with my old trial partner, John. John's from Boston. Oh, hell yeah. John's a degenerate. John is the best lawyer from my class in the Miami-Dade County Public Defender's Office.

He also projects as the dumbest, which made all the feel-good social justice warrior public defender types. You know, kind of hate him. Yeah. So then, of course, I was drawn to him. He liked doing trials of me. I'd probably tell this story on the podcast before, but it's his favorite story. And this is when I knew I needed to be a comedian and not a fucking lawyer. Because what I'm about to tell is very hilarious, but also it's not what you should do when you're trying to help someone.

who's in a lot of trouble. Sounds like. We had a case with a, I was, we were juvenile public defenders. It was an ID case. Someone had gotten robbed, and they said a six foot tall, dark guy with a mustache did it. They bring by my client, who was a 13-year-old, 5-foot-6 Mexican kid, and he has like a little dirt stash, you know, like the just hit puberty thing going on. Like, Trey and his first driver's license picture. Now, when you're in juvenile in Miami and you're tried as a juvenile, like, all that would happen is something will go on your record, which is fucking horrendous.

but it's not like the kid was faced in prison. I want everyone to know that before I tell the story. And John argues that if I was in front of a jury, that this would have been the best move. But you argue in front of judges exclusively when you do juvenile cases. So we're doing our closing argument. And the argument that we're making is this has got the wrong kid.

Like, fucking an hour after this robbery, and by the way, I still know in my heart this kid was innocent. An hour after this robbery, you bring a 5-foot-6 Mexican kid with a dirty mustache-looking thing. You know, this looks like dirt on his lip by. And someone had described a six-foot-tall, quote-unquote dark man with a thick mustache, you got the wrong guy. That was our argument the whole time.

It's like too much time passed. They were confused. It's not the right guy. And at some point I look behind me and there's a cop over there with the cop and this mustache you've ever seen. It was an older black guy bald with, I mean, a broom hat. Just like a fucking caterpillar sitting on it. Hell yeah.

Like a character on Guess Who? Yes. And I'm in the middle of it's like closing about justice and whatever bullshit used to say back then because that stuff don't work. Like you think it is when you're a young lawyer. It works on Aaron Sorkin dramas. Yes, exactly. In the real world, what they want is to like you.

And if they like you, you'll win, which is probably why I got out of it. So anyway, we're sitting there in the middle of the closing. I'm going through all that. And the whole thing hinges, Your Honor. She got robbed by someone with a mustache. Look at this. I could lick my finger and wipe this off. This is not a mustache.

And I turn and I point to this cop's face. And he's just sitting there like, and he's not on my team. And I go, that's a mustache. That's something to be proud of. They ought to brought him in here. And, like, everyone in the box starts cracking up except the judge. And I was like, I just lost this fucking case by pissing the judge off the cop. Like, he's all furious or whatever.

Did that hit for the cop? He kind of chuckled. Because he wasn't for the judge. Yeah. But, like, I went for the joke, you know? I went for the kill. Hell yeah, dude. It murdered.

But, you know, somebody had been actually murdered. Not really. Right. Did that kid get, was he guilty? He got found guilty. Oh, that don't hit. Get out of here. He was going to get found guilty anyway because it was a judge.

I mean, to be fair, John, who is, like I said, a great lawyer, he was like, no, man, that's why you would have been good in front of juries, but you're right. That sucked in front of a judge. But he still wants to try a case to me. He's like, you're going to unretire your license. That's interesting. That's very interesting to me because, like, that's the equivalent of, like, all that joke would have done good in this room, but, like, not on a cruise ship or whatever.

Yeah, there's that aspect of it. It's also. Like, you have to tailor your lawyering to the room. Like if you're going in front of a judge, you do this, if in the jury you do this. Yeah, but those are the, generally speaking, those are the only two things. And what he said is you just as you get the jury to like you, and then it doesn't matter if it makes sense. Just do they like you and you believe it? That's my act.

And buddy. It doesn't make sense for everybody's like, yeah, I'm on board. He's from Boston. This is not a Boston phrase, Cheney, back me up. He uses the phrase, that dog don't hunt in almost every trial. Oh, that's redneck. That's not a Boston thing at all. But, like, he's in Miami.

They don't know any different. Yeah, that's where we're from. That's a... You probably got it from me. I usually hear that dog will hunt. Anyway, we went down to Q West and broke the sober, and he's a good drunk. We got hammered. That's when I posted on the gram, those you'd be following me there.

I'm verified. Corey's nice, no big deal. That is true. I did notice that. Me dancing doing the footloose. He's great at Instagram. I fucking suck an Instagram. Dude, I'm dancing doing the footloose.

And then all... Like, a lot of people were like, oh, that's great. A lot of our fans were like, I thought you could dance and you look dumb. I'm like, that's the dance. Yeah, I'm doing it. Talk to Kevin Bacon. Yeah. Piss me off. And you probably can. I'm still mad back.

Yeah. If you want to, I don't think he's verified on Instagram. No, that's, I don't know if it's, it's weird because Drew's older than me, but younger, he's younger than me in tech. Like, he knows how to fucking do Instagram and Snapchat, which are the two, in my opinion. I never figured Snapchat out, and I thought you did. I don't do it anymore. Oh, because I suck at it. She, she, like, will have to tell me when she comes home. She's like, I sent you. Snapchat. Do you see it? And I'm like, no, this is when I see it, just when you tell me, yeah, I have to go, like, I don't, I don't fucking know how to, do you know how to Snapchat?

And also, I don't think I'm better at Instagram than you. I disagree. Do I? I think so. Well, you're verified, first off. But you like, I don't know what I'm, like, when I post a story, I don't know that I did it right. And you always have stories and they're always interesting. Like, every time, I just, like, repost other people's stories. And I just don't, I don't hit at it. You've always got funny content. You dance. I don't dance. You don't dance. That's your problem.

And my daddy don't rock and roll. My daddy rock and roll. My dad used to. Yeah. Rock and roll tied. I just said that. It was gross. Do you, do you fuck with Snap?

You seem like somebody with your hair. No Snapchat? No Snapchat. I just saw your Snapchat on your phone just. I have it. I have the app, but I don't like... Oh yeah. Well, I got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I just reposted the... You shitting on me in the elevator and I got cross a little of my DMs. Yeah, I'm feeling. Like, immediately? Yeah, look. Oh, I would also like to point something out that I can't believe you haven't... What is it?

A girl's sitting his DMs after I posted. But no, she follows you and you posted. Yeah, I reposted your shit. I thought one of our fans that's on your DM and I got high. That would hit for me. So I went to a wrestling convention this weekend and I bought like, well, I got a bunch of shirts because Conrad's my boy and he hooked me up. I didn't realize till I got here today that this shirt just had two fucking machine guns on it. Like how much of my fucking.

Like I put it on because like this is Cody Rhodes and like, you know, Cody's my boy. I like that shit. And I was like, oh, this is dope. I like the red, white and blue, the American Nightmare. That's cool. I put it on Amber's like, are you fucking serious right now? I was about to go get a toothbrush. I was like, yeah.

We just got on Caroline on Broadway's Instagram story, and you're wearing that shirt, and it very looks like an alt-right shirt. Absolutely, sure does. I mean, it's not, by the way, but it fucking certainly looks like one. I just thought it was a skull. And, like, that's, you know, it's still on me to be like, I'm cool with walking around with a skull on my shirt. But, like, I didn't realize to look to the mirror.

I was like, oh, shit, that's two machine guns. And it says bullet club. on the fucking arm. I didn't see that, dude. So, Jesus Christ. As much as I love you, Cody Rhodes, this is going to be my at-home mow the grass shirt.

I love it. I think it's dope, but I can't be walking around with no motherfucking machine guns. Sounding like me, especially. And wearing this hat. Yeah, what is your hat say? All right, so it says,

it's a trucker hat, and it says, let's do it again. Vote no. A couple things I like about this hat. First is the contradiction, contradiction here. Let's do it again. No.

That's fucking hilarious. to me. Okay. But here's the problem. I bought this at a thrift shop in Nashville, and I'm pretty sure it's like from the 60s.

So like this very much was about segregation. You know what I'm saying? This was, I mean, I don't know that for sure, but like, well,

I didn't think about it until I bought it, but like whatever vote no was on coming from this hat, I guarantee you I was voting yes. Like I'd be like, no, not no, yeah. So,

but it should get red and just paint, yeah. Yeah. The levels of irony here, you are a southern hipster, sir. Yeah, well, only in my hometown, like, everywhere else, like I'm just a fat. It's called a sweet tea si bister, sir. So, is that what it is? I didn't know.

You can ask, Amber, did I not about getting a fight over this fucking hat the other day? At the county line bar, that fucking dude, we were Misty and we're my... This is all his stories. We're at the county line bar, about I got a fight. God damn it, ever, don't you remember? So Misty Bowers, who's listening right now, friend of the podcast, I've known her and her husband Whitney for a very long time. And this fucking, we're at the county line bar.

And I'm just sitting there, dude. I'm sitting there. I've been playing golf. Me and Brad are getting dollar burgers. We do it every Wednesday I'm home. We go to the county line bar, have dollar burgers, have beers. This fucking dude comes over. And Whitney immediately was like, oh, God, I fucking don't like this guy.

But, like, I'm going to be cool. Like, it's fine. Don't worry about it. And Whitney whoop that ass. And I was like, all right. So Whitney's already let me know this ain't it, like, between him and this dude. But, like, we're going to be cool. And I'm just sitting there eating my burger.

drinking my beer and all of a sudden I look up this fucking dude's just staring at me just drunk is pissed just like leaning just staring at me and I'm just like hey doing man and he just kind of turns over and he goes fucking hat god damn it I'm just like I'm sitting there and I'm like what hat am I like do I literally have on a hat that says

fuck Trump and I pull my hat down and I was like oh I've got on the let's do it again vote no and Amber pointed out something that I've never thought about she's like I think that people see that hat and the word again is very big and they think in their drunk mind it's somehow like a satire of

make America great again and then the word no they're like this dude's a fucking liberal which by the way all that's correct I don't know how he would have deciphered that from this fucking what's that movie Tom Hanks Forrest Gump? No

the one with the Catholic shit when he was those things got a cipher cast away no yeah cast away so anyways dude just starts fucking looking at me and I was like I was like hey man we good and he was like He looked over at my buddy Brad And I heard out turn to him and he goes

Some people just got to be a fucking asshole And I turn around I said Yo what? What's that? And he goes, oh I said I said I wasn't trying to be an asshole And I was just like Okay I will pretend that is what you said

We'll both pretend that's what you said He voted no Yeah but like that's not what you said And dude ended up fucking apologizing to me I don't know where I'm going Oh you just asked me about my hat I almost got in a fight over it I don't think he says vote no

I like your theory and I think it's probably right. That was Amber's theory, by the way. That's a great theory, and I think it's correct. Good job, Amber. But I want to posit another possibility. He just dislikes. He just dislikes.

He just read your hat, and he was like, again, no. What the fact? He didn't even mean shit. Fuck this ass. He liked a parodkers, I promise you that. Paradox. So, yeah, but, so that's what. No, I think you're right.

It looks like something anti-Make America great again. Yeah, I guess, but that never crossed my mind. It's light, which you would have thought he liked. Yeah, all that. But my only, like when I buy a hat, this is the, this is the proper height. I like the height of this particular trucker hat. Okay. Because when I wear, if I wear a low profile hat, first off, you know what I got going on here.

It's a big round head. It just, it just put like a, it's a hat on a hat. It looks like a swim cap with a bill is what it looks like. So like it don't hit. He looks like, is that little boy. What's his name with the? I don't know. Calvin, not Calvin.

I know who you're fucking taught. Dennis the Menace. Sure. And the propeller. All of them. Yeah. Every cartoon. Now, by the way, not that I don't look like a cartoon now, I very much do, but

like I've found that when a hat's a Yosemite type thing. Elmer Fudd type, yeah, yeah. But when a hat has the certain height, it elongates me. Yeah. And so like, you know what I mean? But if it's down like this. Yeah, your mustache looks dumb when you pull it down. Yeah.

And when you pull the hat up, your mustache looks regal. And that's another thing, too. Like, if I keep all this trimmed up, it's like, oh, that's where a job. should be and then this is like oh that's how a person's head should go up and not out but mine don't the thought you put it that's where a jaw should be yeah that's just true like I don't have jaws that'd be a good you got jowls I got jowls you got an extra letter yeah because you took an L that's that's how you spell jow is j-a-w it's J-O but either way oh I guess wait actually I don't fucking know somebody put up hog jaw there's hog jaw

hog jowls Shut up You ain't in this You ain't in this You can't shit on me like that And tell you like you know How to yell at Puerto Ricans Or whatever you guys do in Boston

It's yell at Puerto Ricans I've been there That's what they do Yeah I know Oh fuck I had something I was gonna say But now I can't remember it But was involving your face and head No

Oh It normally is I've always liked the mustache It grew back quick This is a month and a half of work By the way Everybody knew it was right. It's what's right.

Right, it is. And I know you don't trust me because you think I'm trying to make fun of you, but this is my favorite Corey look. This is my favorite Corey look, too, but, like, I don't, she made me get rid of the mustache. Is it creepy to you? Is it? Well, what about with the, like, Dirk McGirt thing he's got going on now? What do you prefer? A little bit longer.

What do you prefer? A beard. Yeah. Amber prefers a beard. I like the beard. Can you do like a beard, but the mustache is thicker? That's just always going to be the cut. Because I vowed this time I'm never.

Amber made a face. I'm not shaving it. But you know what it is, is that this is what it don't hit for her and I get it. It's that I've got the sideburns too. So I got the sideburns here. Well, that's definitely something that I like, but that I recognize I like just because it looks goofy.

I like it too. It hits for me. I do like it. It makes everything about me make more sense. Is this what you had when you made that guy cower and apologize? Yeah. Because you look like you'd whip a train's ass right now.

Well, dude, I would have whoop this motherfuckerger's ass. I guarantee it. And your bullet show? I wasn't wearing my bullet show. The bullet club? No, yeah. Well, like, it was just, I don't know, man, dude, fuck that guy. Like, I don't like, I hope I go my whole life and don't get in a fight.

But at the same time, like, I did tell Amber that night, I was like, man, there's such a part of me that just wishes that I fucking whoop that dude's ass and I got arrested at the county line bar. Just because that would like, there's so many people from my hometown who would be like, okay, he still got it. Good for him. Like, he hadn't gone full California. He's still whooping folks ass at the county line. Yeah, you sell it some scout DNA. Yeah. Oh, God damn.

Well, boys, you want to go eat because I'm starving. Yeah, we're going to get on Caroline's on Broadway's. Instagram and... Instagram. Okay, yeah, and I have to change shirts so I don't get, like, protested against when we go down there. I don't know, we're going to the financial district. There might be some boys who are like, hey, man, thank you for all the work you're doing. We're all proud.

Yeah. All right. Well, we love you guys and skew and well-readcom. And buy our album. What do you think that is? I don't know. That's definitely not, I don't think that's bedbugs.

I think that's... Skabies? Maybe Skabies. Oh, Cheney. Exima. Spiterbought? Yo, Cheney, where can everybody find you? Oh, not that Cheney on all accounts.

And then I got a podcast with Lawrence Deloche. It's a men's fashion one. Corey, you've been a guest. I have been a guest. Oh, it's men's fashion? Yeah. I thought it was sneakers. Well, that's part of men's fashion.

You never had me on? You told me it was about sneakers. I don't be wearing sneakers. Now it's men's fashion and I can't be on. Like, you know shit about my boots. It clearly has a sneaker bin because I would otherwise never be on a men's fashion. I get that. I'm not mad. You were on it. Yeah.

It's not. In no way, is this about you, Corey. May we continue? Go ahead. I was trying to, I was trying to make you look good. I'm recording Sunday. Come through. I've literally asked you before and you're like, yeah, we don't really do sneakers. No, fuck you, Drew. Come through. No, I'm not. Come through.

All right. I don't want to be on your fucking podcast. I just wanted to be wanted, dude. Oh, my God. I've always wanted you, Drew. Thanks, man. No problem. I've always wanted Scout. Queen of the Waffle home Oh, this is tremendous

All right, well, we're going to go answer questions on Caroline, Broadway's Instagram, but anyways... By the time you hear this, Adam won't even be up because Instagram stories disappear. Oh, that's true, but you can still come see us this weekend at Caroline's because I'm putting this motherfucker up right now because I owe him an episode.

Hell yeah, dude. Oh, right. Yeah. And, yeah, if it goes up right now now, you probably can watch Caroline on Instagram, on Broadway's on Instagram story. Yeah, and if you don't go to... You can go to Amazon Prime and you can watch Caroline in the city,

which is a fantastic television show. Yeah, and then if you are from Boston, you like the song Sweet Caroline. It's also true. All the goddamn time in that city. That's right. It's not even close. Wee Caroline.

Bump, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, oh, a. I just, I know my vowel. G, E, E, I, and you, and sometimes why. Well, I've done it. All right, motherfuckers. You hit the shit. I don't.

I don't hit. We love y'all. And skew. Skew. Give us a skew. You say hit the shit? I don't know. I can't.

Don't do our accent. Don't do our catchphrases. Stick the yo. Say skew. Steu. Thank you. Thank you all for listening to the West Red podcast. It once worked good, but now it is.

haters can eat our ass