wellRED podcast - #139 - Les garçons Odeur leurs propres Farts

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

This weeks episode starts with a conversation about the science behind enjoying your own farts (or at least being curious about them). This tailspins into a conversation about going broke because of stupid financial decisions directly related to the deep seated insecurities of being perceived as a poor dumb southerner (this is where we figuratively smell our own farts. Drew shares a story about working out in an exercise class provided by the hotel, Corey gets roasted for being the fat clumsy dumb fuck you all know and love, and the Bob Seger Vs. Foreigner debate is revisited.  Other topics include fancy shoes, boots, and purses, taboo words being used in cinema, and drinking Al Gore's WhiskeywellREDcomedy.com for tickets to shows!youtube.com/wellredcomedy to WATCH the podcastBlueChew.com Promo Code RED for your first month FREE (just pay 5 bucks shipping)MDRNCBD.com Promo Code RED for 30% off and FREE Shipping If you get the hankering, leave us a 5 star review! Thanks in advance. Love ya like Chicken!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because you used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like, you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions or reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast they're the Mississippi to Mississippi keep counting at those stop signs Alex full stop and doesn't go until

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Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Snapshot not available in all states are from all agents. What's up everybody? It's your boy the show. Corey Ryan Forster here. Wellred Comedy.com. W-E-L-R-E-D.com. That is where you can find tickets.

to the remaining shows in our 2019 tour. Not a lot left. We're going to be next week in Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. Then we got Denver, Colorado. And then we are capping off 2019 with our very special Christmas shows at the Best Damn Comedy Club in the world,

Zanies in Nashville, December 19th through the 22nd. These shows always sell out. There's always some special guests some hubbub around. It's great. You should come. Get your tickets now at well-read comedy.com. Also, this portion of the podcast is always brought to you by Smokey Boys grilling, who placed second runner-up at Eggtoberfest out of over 500-some bitches. Congrats to Smokey Boys. Go to Smokey Boys.com to get all the rubs for all you meets. Also, carvevodka.com. Go check out Carvvodka.com and see what all the fuss is about,

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If you would subscribe, that would be tremendous. We're putting up not only full new episodes, but we're also taking old clips. And we've got our buddy John Trotter at PaintMonkey Art on Twitter and the Instagram, doing some cool graphics for us on some old well-read classics. For instance, if you're listening to this on Wednesday, oh, son of a bitch, what day is it? Does this computer not have? If you're listening to this on Wednesday, October 16th, one just dropped last night.

It was the classic Bob Seger versus foreigner argument where Bob Seger don't hit for Drew, so you can check that out on our YouTube page. Subscribe. Also, download and subscribe to this podcast if you're not subscribed. Tell your friends. And also, if you don't mind, go leave us a five-star review if you think we are worthy of it because it really helps push us up in the rankings. And that means that we will get more downloads and maybe, you know, get more sponsored and stuff.

I don't know, do cooler shit. My hit. Anyways, this podcast was filmed and recorded, audio and video and all that good stuff in Phoenix, Arizona, where we did shows at Stand Up Live for all the Phoenicians last weekend. And we talked about a lot of shit, and it was a lot of fun. So check it out. Tell your friends.

Love you, bye. They're the six daycare. When next step makes some people upset. They got three big old dicks that you can sun. Oh, appropriate. You was also, you kissed my fart. You kiss my fart. Excuse me while I kissed this fart.

Give me one try. That didn't hit. No, that didn't hit. I don't know it, but I believe you. You want me to fart again? I mean, yeah, that would actually hit. It can't be any worse than it is right now. I really don't smell it.

I mean, and I usually do. yeah but don't you're oh there it is oh that ain't good do you know the science behind why fart stunkinke no I get all that but why yours hit for you

it's uh not endorphins what's the things that pharamones yes okay but I should say I learned that at a one man show put on by uh Sean uh what's his name from new Orleans Patton Patton oh nice

so I don't know I wouldn't say that my farts hit for me They don't bother you as I said. Of course not, yeah. Well, that's in this, what I'm posing. That's what I mean.

By it, yours don't hurt your feelings as much as Drew's do. It reminds me of a funny and very racist Sarah Silverman joke where she was like talking about offending people. And how she doesn't mean to or whatever. But she was like, that is this one joke where I talked about Mexican stinking. And after my show, this young Mexican girl came up to him and was like, I'm Mexican and I don't stink. and I just had to tell it.

It was like, oh, honey, you can't smell yourself. But, like, so Sean Patton claims, and he had this one-man show that he took to the French Festival, and it was about Hurricane Katrina. His mom was a nurse, and they couldn't get a hold of her for a long time. And his dad, who's, like, the strongest person he knew, and always a good time. It sounds like a real Cho, C-H-E-A-U-X.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they're going to. And his dad has this thing that they've done, and this was a running through line through his one-man show, So, his dad would fart, and then he would go, Oh, ow, oh, oh. And if you were one of his kids, you was supposed to do it back. And if you fart, yeah, out, out, ooh. And if you could fart, that's a double hit, yeah.

And it was like Darry Colling card. Well, I've got a new thing, yeah. According to Sean, your body, and I know this part is true, you do have pheromones in that general area. And when you fart, some of them come out, and that's how, he claimed it back before we was civilized, that was one way to keep your tribe together. That was, okay, that's interesting.

I've never heard that part, but I've also read. We may have talked about this, we may have not. And this doesn't necessarily pertain to like it hitting for you, because sometimes I'll fart one, I'm like, yeah, that's what's up. Yeah, it's more like bake beans. But like, so what I heard was your body, and this is all like,

this is all subconscious shit. Like, you're not actually knowing that you're doing this, but it happens this way. Like, you ever, this happens to me a lot. Me and my sister discovered this when we were, You were probably like, I'd say I was eight and she was six. She came up with it. She was like, it's called a you fin to be sick fart.

You can smell you. You were sick? Yes. And so recently I've looked that up. And like, apparently your body, when you fart and you smell it, why you're so kind of obsessed with like wanting to smell it at first is that it's an unconscious thing of like we can tell. Our body can tell a lot about us from how our fart smells. And like, I don't know I'm about to get sick.

If my fart smells a certain way, I'm like, ooh, here it come. You know, like, that's a thing. I'm sitting here trying to imagine the person you had in your head that needed the caveat that all this was subconscious. Yeah, right. We had a fan out there who was like, so people just be doing this, writing it down? What I'm saying is, like, it's not like you,

it's not like you're sitting there farting and going, and then like going, hmm, notes of, you know, fucking E. coli or whatever. Like, your body just... You do be doing that. Yeah, yeah, but like your body just knows what to do with that information. What does it do with it? I don't know. It's more like, yo.

I need to eat grapes. I have farted and crave grapes before. Yeah, so I'm saying. Like, he farting or was like, oh, that didn't hit. I better go have a salad. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Uh-huh.

There's something to it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not going to, I obviously can't refute it. Nice road, by the way. Yeah, thank you. I got my Gucci's on. Yeah, you do. My bath row.

So these Gucci slides. You're hitting real hard for me right now. Yeah. It's also cognac. It's not. No, it's something from the mini bar. Rock and ride. I got so excited.

How is that rocking rye? Rye whiskey, it don't hit for me. I'll try it. There's only one type I like and I can't remember what it is. That's what happened. It tastes like a whistle pig.

That's rye, I like that. Don't they have regular whistle pig bourbon? That's not rye. The one we had was rye and it was great. The one that Al Gore provided. Yeah, the one. Yeah, and I'll be honest with him.

That way smashed like two frat boys on my back stoop. It was just like $300 bottle of like sipping whiskey. And me and course went out back. and just talked about how much our wives don't hit. Smoking a pack of cigarettes, just passing the bottle back and forth. Like, ah, shit hits.

It did hit. It did hit. You preemptively saved me, and I wasn't even really making fun of me. I was just going to like, okay, so you got the Gucci, the robe, you're talking about $300 liquor. And then before I could even get the story up,

I mean, we just smoke cigarettes to talk about how our wives don't hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's bury a lot of the pretension. Yeah, ain't shit changed. No. Or shit changed, the more stay a sign. I had got me. me and Corey bought this,

this identical pair of, are they Jordan slides? They don't help for you. They did hit it first, but they quickly stopped hitting because they got like, they got like gross feeling. Like goofy.

It's what kind of weird goopy. Yeah. That's how I felt walking in them. And they got dirty as fuck. Yeah, it didn't. They were white bottom or whatever. Yeah, why did you do that? They hit.

Yeah. And, you know, fuck it. I got a couple months out of them. So, I told, I was walking the boys of school like last one. week and I was about to head out the door and I put those slides on and like every time I put

them on lately I was like he's just don't hit for me no more and I'm like walking out the door and I was like Katie give me some new slides she was like what I was like yeah gochies and I just closed the door yeah just trying to hit yeah just trying to hit and three days later a box no three days later Gucci slides showed up in my house her ADD ass forgot dude it's too she was also like oh yeah I think she went and did it immediately yeah I mean forgot she had done it but Let me tell her to run the dishwasher or something like that. That don't cost $350. Exactly.

But spending money, she own it. Yeah. That's all you had to say. You and her are both so raven in that story because she did what you just said and that is Super Raven. Also, she did exactly what you asked her to when you said it and you're still bitching about her. Yeah. Also, did them really cost $350? Mm-hmm.

Bullshit. Their Gucci slides. That's not. Yeah. sushi slice you're fucking with me right it's either that it's just like it's either that or get one haircut drew which what would you do that lasts a whole fucking year these are really 350 yeah they're coochies lord i know right no you'll have them forever they hit yeah you could have pissle wig pissle wig oh the what's a big whiskey i thought that was already rip you think they're supposed to be

like that no no no hell no you call them yeah yeah no you can call them right yeah that's the that's the one thing i'll say about about high-end motherfuckers yes yes I got them Luc Casey boots and they're doing the same thing. They just hang up on it. They won't though. Like if he's really got some, like the high-end shit, the one thing. I don't think they are fucking up, though, for the record. I cannot get over.

Those were literally $350. It's stupid. I was dumb, but they had. I thought they'd be $100. The slides are 40. And I was like, all right, it'll be more than double. You can get these exact ones for 100 in toddler sizes. I almost got Bishop's on 7s.

The little kids version of these, they're 100. No, see, look, hold up. I would not actually do that, of course. But I did, Katie showed me these on the website, and they had the kid sizes. These. And they were like 130 or something like that. These are my slides. These are my slides are here.

Now, his hit harder, and they don't have the Velcro. They're just the, you know. But, yeah, these were $60. Yeah, I mean, the Adidas ones are 40. And functionally, exactly the same. And I guarantee these motherfuckers will last just as long as those. But, but, and I cannot stress this enough, they are not. goochie.

You know what I'm saying? Dem's Gucci. I don't either. You heard it. You heard how I got them fashion people are. Well, you just don't get it. You heard how I got these, right? That's just how they do.

Like, I did not seek these out. I offhand jokingly threw away. Give me some goochies. Okay, but getting back to what Corey was just alluding to in the fashion world, I don't get them. If that was $100, I don't either. I would be like, okay, you like nice things. and these costs more and you also like to spend money.

But $350, I'm like, bro, get some boots. See, that's my thing. Some good boots. That's my thing. And you know I'm a shoe dude. Like, I fucking love shoes. Right. I'll go on and I'll see like this pair of Yeeys and like I'll see them and they'll fucking hit for me.

Some of those are rare. Right. Everybody that got Gucci got them. That's true. But like, and some of them do that shit on purpose. But like I'll see a pair of Yeezys for like $1,500. And I'm like, I'm looking at him going like, these do hit and exclusivity is I get it. Like, if you have them on people, be like, oh, shit.

But, like, I do like what I'm wearing to, like, pop. But I don't care if someone's like, he's got one of five pairs of those. I just think if they look good, they look good. Instead of spending $1,500 on one pair of Yeezys, bro, I literally could get eight pairs of hitting Jordan Ones. I'd much rather fucking do that. You know what I'm saying? Let me ask you this. When it comes to Boots, right?

Do you think that? Now, I'm about to show my ass. Well, listen. I can't listen. Do you think that, like, a $1,500 pair of Luke Casey, ostrich, boots or whatever, cost any more per what they are to make versus the cost of them than these did. Like, obviously, this cost fucking next to nothing to make, and they're 350, but those are 1,500.

But do you think the difference between that and 1,500 is that much of a difference than these are? Yes, I do. I probably agree, but I don't think enough to where you can say, that's ridiculous, another one. Well, let me say it this way. I got my Lucases when they was on sale, when they was only $900. That's how much mine was, too. But those will last forever. You can get those fixed.

Yeah, Lucasey's like Gucci in that way. You can send it to them no fix it. But I don't think, like, they might do that for them once. Them went and designed to last forever, because. Yeah. I don't think you have Gucci slides forever. Even if you keep sending them in, at some point they're like. I bet you most people that have Gucci slides and don't walk that much.

That's true. I mean, so those probably do last. You know what I'm saying? They get carried places. Maybe. But I also think sincerely those were made in Indonesia at a slave factory and cost, and I'm not at all exaggerated. I think those cost a dollar to make.

Maybe. And ship. Right. Whereas those Lucases, the leather, the way they handmade. They're handcrafted. I would say there's some machine work involved and putting them together, but the leather itself is tanned by hand. And that's my thing on the fucking Yeezies and shit like that too, is that because they retail,

that's the problem, they retail at 100. The only time they ever go out to $15,000, because they do that thing where they make 200 of them, they sell out in the store, and then everybody that bought them goes online and sells them, and you get them for $15,000, $1,500,000. With Lucases, that's the fucking $900 or $1,000. That's the retail because they were handmade. For the record, and I'm saying this, I guess partially because I feel guilty, but also because this is my attitude about items like that,

I was obsessed with this particular pair of Lucases for over three years. Yeah. When I saw them on sale. Fuck it. It was when me and Andy moved across country, I was like giving myself like an end of the year gift, blah, blah, blah. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with buying Gucci.

Like, if you buy Gucci clothing and it's supposed to last a long time or you can send it back in or it's a tailored suit, I'm not against it. I literally couldn't believe those were $350. I thought you were doing a bit. I thought they'd be $100. If you'd have said $150, I'd have been like, hi, it's Gucci, I guess. $350.

That wouldn't have been Gucci. Sincerely blows my mind. Yeah, no, I hear you. Yeah. Well, like, so I bought, well, this is a sore subject. I think I've even talked about it on here before. I bought Katie a Gucci bag for Christmas a couple years ago that she sent back. Oh, my God.

This is one of my least favorite stories of all. It makes me, like, I get it. I love Katie. Nah, I don't get it. Because it was so expensive. There's no reason for her to pretend it hit for her and waste that amount of money. That's all you do with gifts is pretend they hit. But my opinion.

My point, though, is. I think it shows how much respect she has for him that she was like, I can just be honest with you. That is straight up how I feel about that kind of move. But you know I'm doing a joke right now about how I have learned that that is not how anyone else in the world feels. Right. People hate it when you're honest. Yeah. My point with that is, though, without getting into that whole story, is that bag that I bought her, that Gucci bag was like, I don't remember.

It was over $1,000, right? Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to floss. I did this. For my woman. Ambers, Louis Vuitton. I bought her Tiffany earrings the Christmas before that, you know.

She just picked, she just straight up picked it out. I hope. Try to pamper this bitch. Anyway, Andy does not listen to this episode. Oh, she won't. But my point, though, is when I was looking at bags. How much oil would that be? $700.

It's the most essential oil. Almost a barrel. Only the truly, the essentialist of oils. When I was looking for bags, though, I asked, because I didn't even know, I asked some other women's, what are the, like, what are high-end bags, right? Yeah. And they named Gucci and whatever else. They also named, uh.

Kate Spade. Irmez, Urmei, Hermes, what is it, Hermes? H-E-R-M-E-E-S. Hermes or Hermes or something. Whatever. That was one of them they told me. That was one of them they told me, right? They were like, Arm-S is probably like the top end.

And I looked it up, and a comparable bag to the Gucci bag I bought Katie from Hermes was $10,000. Okay. And I saw that. But I do get that because that is for people who need to, I didn't know. Gucci was on that level at all, and I guess it's not... I mean, rappers fuck with Gucci. I guess that's part of maybe why

I'm... Maybe this is like some of that inherent racism inside me where I was like, well, if rappers can't afford it, it probably ain't the top of the top. Not, dog. That's the whole thing. Yeah, absolutely. They're about the air wearing Gucci. We'll just say, we'll just say it's Hermes or whatever. Me and my mom actually had

this conversation maybe three weeks ago, and it's the first time me and my mom, this is a big moment for me and my mom. It's the first time we ever saw eye-to-eye on high-end fashion. and trust me, it's come up a lot, you know, in our relationship. She was talking about them, Hermes' bags, and she was like, oh, she was like, Kirby, have you seen that they do these, like, knockoffs that kind of, and knockoff bags are huge amongst when, even women that have money, if they see a really cool knockoff,

is this what started off, she's like, yeah, women, if they see a really cool knockoff, they'll grow on like, oh, girl, I got this for 10 bucks. And I'm like, if it looks that good, just don't say shit. She's like, that's part of it is like getting the deal. Yeah, and I'm like, okay, that's cool. Winning a game. But I was telling her, like, in the sneaker. world, it could not be more opposite.

If, like, you were wearing a pair of fake Jordans and you got caught, dude, you'd get busted on so fucking hard. But those are between $100 and $1,000, not $10,000. Sure, sure. But usually they don't do it with the Hermes bags. Usually it's just like your Duny and Birks, your fucking Tom Forge,

your Kate Spage, yada, yada, yada. Anyways, they start talking about how expensive these bags are. And Mom was like, yeah, but of course I'll never be able to have one of those. And I was just like, hey, mom, that's like, I get, like, Amber's Louis Vuitton was 1500. I know that's ridiculous but like I can wrap my brain around it.

It's whatever. Because number one, I let Amber pick it out. It is, it's a very... You let her pick it out? She, that's the only way she would do it. Well, see, that's how... She already had the one in her mind that she wanted... That was Katie's whole argument, like, because Katie also has to pick this, if I had to let her pick it... It's not a gift. It was the specific pattern

that I got that she didn't like. Not that it was just like, oh, this is obscenely expensive. Yeah. She just didn't like the specific bag. But because it is expensive, if you don't like it, I mean, wouldn't you be furious if you bought her that and then she just never used it. He would not even have noticed. But, buddy, I guess you're not as spiteful as me.

I bought Andy a pair of $250 shoes in Key West one year when I was hammered drunk back when I was a public defender and could not afford those motherfuckers. Then when we got drunk in Austin, Texas, I got her pair of boots on sale for $150. She don't ever wear either of them because she's such a fucking dirty hippie. She's like, well, I'll ruin them because I'm like, you're ruining them by not wearing them. I bought my mama a cashmere sweater for Christmas. once when I first got my good job, my grown-up job with the DOE, forgot about her cashmere sweater.

And I told Paige, I was like, this cashmeree sweater. I got Mama and Paige's, like, Bobby, what the fuck? She's just going to line a goddamn cat box with that thing. I was thinking cigarette hole. Oh, God, damn. So, Mom was saying, like, you know, I'm never going to be able to get one of those Armes bags, I guess. And I was like, Mom, that's like, who, I said, even if you had the money to get that

bag, when something is $20,000, the only, the only, the only, the only one. reason that you're carrying it is so other people who know or have that bag can spot you in a crowd and be like, how you do it? You know what I mean? Like you're part of our little we can afford a $20,000 goddamn bag because most people that's you're a part of the culture. Yeah, most the sneaker culture. I mean, ain't that why you fuck with these shoes or at least part of it? Because you get on the price. That culture is also your cool. It might be just as fake. I'm not saying like, but it might be just as whatever made up. But that culture is. you know about hip-hop, you know about basketball,

you know about fashion. But that goes back to what I was saying about the easies. That is a thing in shoe culture. I don't subscribe to it. I bought these for $40 because... Yeah, but all I was saying is that thing you said about carrying the bags also is true for the shoes, right? You want other people that appreciate it to be like, oh shit, no, I see you.

But what I'm saying is someone would see me wearing these shoes and just be like, oh, them wild green basketball shoes. These Hermes bags, there's nothing special about them other than that they're $20,000. What I'm saying is, That's the whole culture. To the naked eye, most people, unless you knew that, that's a Hermes bag, I have no idea. You would walk right past it.

So the only people who even notice it are, like, people would notice these goddamn clown shoes if I walk by either, oh, look at him. Either they like them or they don't. That bag, you would just think was a typical person. The only person who would know was my motherfucking mama, and that's only because she stared at pictures of them on the goddamn internet. And mom's like, yeah, you're right. And why would I want to be one of those people?

And I was like, exactly. it's fine to have nice things, but at a certain point, if you pay in the same price for a fucking purse that you would a car, literally. That's insane. A car. A fucking nice car, by the way. Yeah, but the people that had in bags, they spend $300,000 on the car. And so me and mom got it, then we got back on that, and I had to agree. I was like, yeah, there's some people who, who them.

That ain't shit. Bill Gates, for instance. Not even Bill Gates, man. Right, not even Bill Gates. Kim Kardashian. I still think it's absurd, too. But in their mind... It's like you spending $40.

Right. On a wallet. I know. Their brain literally don't even see $20,000 the way that we see $20,000. More have they ever their entire life? I agree with you that it's ridiculous. But I think... I won't shit on them as hard as I used to.

The most offensive thing we've ever done on this spot. I agree. 100%. All the things are done wrong. We should feel bad for these celebrities that everybody shits on all the time. I don't think... I think we're all in agreement that we think that it's... They should die.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. But we're just saying like, I don't think we're saying like, oh, it's fine that they are that way. We're just acknowledging that, like, it is true that that is how it is for them. There's people who feel the same way. Like, there's people that feel the same way about I do about these bags about your Gucci shoes. For sure. Yeah.

Exactly. Absolutely. This is not going to hit for a lot of people. I know it. Do you have? It was a joke. Yeah, no, I know. I'm very curious.

But now we're in it. I'm very curious. I got them and they do hood. And let me. Let me preface. I hope they feel gross in a week. Let me preface this by saying that I'm talking about myself with my boots. Do you have any, whether it's these shoes or anything,

coming from white trash into being Trey Crowder, book, writer, deal maker, do you have any guilt? Is that going away? Was it a process? Was it stronger at first? Like with the money, guilt might not be the right word. Do you have any weird feelings about it? No, I'm a beat.

I'm a dive. broke for show because right because you're going to spin it because no but arguably throw that shit okay i make that back boy but arguably but i don't give a fuck he's zooming in for this okay but arguably that's that's an example of what i'm talking about that's like that's white trash inside you coming out too very much right right then boots dude cuss hold on we told Andy had to talk me into it do you Like, I couldn't do it. I was like, Andy, I can't spend 900 on boots. And she sounded like, Corey.

She was like, yes, you can. Part of the- I walked out of that place looking like Barack Obama. It's very white trash because part of it was like, I think I've told this story on here before, and I know I've told you all. Part of it is saying like, oh, what, like, I can't afford these. You don't know me.

Because, like, I went to not be able to. Because I told, like, I went to that. Before I lived in Burbank, we were in Burbank because I had Warner Brothers meetings, and Katie was there with the boys. And Katie went into some bullshit makeup store or whatever. and I saw this boutique clothing store. We've been on the road for like weeks, right? Yeah.

And I was out of socks. So I told the boys, it was like, hey, I need some socks. I need to go, y'all come in here with me. Let's pick out some socks for Daddy. And that's when they, they picked out my biggie socks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The boys picked those out, so, you know. That hits.

That's a good sign. That fucking Robert Redford gift of him sitting at the river and looking back and just nodding with pride. Found out that was Robert Redford like a month ago. Well, anyway. And I've seen the movie. Me too. Jeremiah Johnson. One of my dad's favorite.

Actually, it might be my dad's favorite movie. I've seen that movie a hundred times. That's why we went in there. The boys are at this time, four and five, I think, four and five years old. We get up to the front and in a glass case, this boutique was, I don't know, some kind of does, I still don't know who the guy is. But his, like, thing, his logo or symbol or whatever, that's going to stank. I didn't even pick up. That wouldn't even worth it.

God damn it. It was to me. His logo or symbol or whatever was this like a, like, I don't know. I don't know. It's like if a teddy bear was a DJ, right? It's the best way I can describe it. And he had these little, uh, these little like kind of Lego figures of that teddy bear with like different outfits on and shit. They're like this big and they're like little toys, right? And they're in the front case up there because that's his thing. But I get up there and my four and five year old son see these little like teddy bear action figure things.

And one of them, Bishop, I think, was like, hey, I want one of those daddy. And I was like, you want one of those? I was like, hey, give me one of those. and the dude goes those these little figurines right here i was like yeah he goes dude those are fifty dollars a piece i said okay well give me two then yeah bitch because you know yeah that's that white trash right and the thing like katie hates that so oh dude amber i mean i get we were so yesterday not two days ago because we were in phoenix yesterday we were hanging out over at our friends the motoses and uh we were going to cook them dinner they've just had a child not too long

and so every now and then we'll go over there and, you know, let AJ put her feet up and we'll cook dinner or whatever. So we get over there and my buddy Patrick immediately, as soon as I sat down and got comfortable, and this is just, this is so raving of Patrick, I hope you're listening, Patrick. I sit down, get comfortable, turn the game on. I'm like, oh, yeah, he goes, hey, we got to go to the store. And I was like, wine, he's like, because I need, I got to get some vaping stuff. And then AJ runs in there, and she's like, no, no, no. And I'm like, what?

She goes, he's not vaping. He hadn't vapeed for a week. I told you, as soon as Corey comes over here, he's going to be vaping, and then you're going to have to vape. I'm going back there to get you a goddamn patch right now. Put the fucking patch on. You're not vaping. We talked about this.

And then Patrick's like, yeah, I'm going to go the store and get some vape stuff. So we walk out and we go the store and we get these. He's like, I got to get these pineapples. That's what you had, right? The pineapple's like, yeah. So I'm about to go out of town. Go ahead and give me the pineapples. He said, yeah, get two of those pineapples or whatever.

So I was going to get one. Patrick was going to get one. The dude put both up at the same time and went clean, cling, went ahead and rang up too. Well, you know me. I'm not going to go, uh-uh. I just got one. Ring this up. So I just, fuck. Patrick goes, you want me to split it. I said, just don't worry about it, dude. I don't want to have to go through this.

So I fucking got it for him. We go back to the house. AJ's furious that Patrick got all this vaping stuff. She goes, how much was it? How much was it? And he's like, I don't know. Corey bought it. And Amber goes, oh, fucking course he did.

And I'm sitting there going, what? And she goes, I don't know. that's just core. Mr. I got to buy everything. I fucking hit. I got the check. Don't fucking worry about it.

None of y'all hit, so I'll get the goddamn check. Which, by the way, most accurate things she has ever said in her life. Y'all don't hit. I do. I got the fucking check. Whenever it's her fucking idea

for me to get the check, all of a sudden, it's the best decision anyone's ever made. But if I decide to get the check, oh, fuck, yeah, just kissed the king's ring. Anyways,

she'd be getting mad at me about that stuff, too. Yeah, me and you dying broke, for sure. What were we talking about? The great irony is, I don't have any of this, and I'm still going to die, bro. Why did I launch into this? Oh, about the whole, give them the two shit. Yeah, anyways, Lord, she gets so mad at me about that.

But I can't help it because I know, having worked retail and stuff like that, the people are literally just trying to help you out because sometimes people don't know. Right, yeah. But like, for sure. That guy was just being like, dude, that's a little plastic piece of shit. You don't want to spend $50 on that, bro. He was being cool. He was saying that's not a toy, man.

It's not for kids. It's for assholes. You don't want it. You don't need it. You know when I'm... It's for assholes. Oh, it's for assholes. Give me two of them.

Yeah, and you know when you remember that? For sure, dude. You remember that when you're walking home with a piece of shit that you don't want. That you just spend $100 on you like, God damn it. Yeah. I never regret it for a second. No, go the motherfucker away. We did.

We make it again. Because they broke them immediately. Because they're not for kids. They're for assholes. They're not for assholes. They're for assholes. Assholes. Oh, assholes?

Give me two. Okay, well, what were we talking about? I bought a pretty expensive rainbow color butt plug just because I thought it was funny. We're about to be sponsored by... Just because he thought it was funny. Man, that's a bummer because we're about to be sponsored by some butt plugs and we could just... I know. I said something to Andy about...

I had a hit, Rainbow Color Butt Plug. And then I was drunk, so I typed Rainbow Color Butt Plug into my phone. And I found some, but they were all... They're not that expensive, but it was more than other butt plugs. It shows up to the end. He's like, look what I bought as a joke. As a joke. Isn't it funny? I told you.

We're not really into butt plugs. We're just joking around. No, I hear you're being funny right now, but we're not actually. If it's the Nelly thing. We're into very weird things. Yeah, it's not butt plugs. The Nelly thing is like, we can get into it. I'm just playing.

I'm very against plugging it up. Unless you're going to do it. Unless you're going to do it. I'm just playing, unless you're going to do it. It's a slightly better line than that. I'm just kidding like Jason. Yeah. Unless you're going to do it.

They played Nelly this morning. Oh my God, let me tell you all what I did. Tell us about your spin class or whatever. Well, it was a spin class. The reason you thought that is I also was going to tell you all about the bike. I make the bike story quick because if, I mean, some people listen to the podcast have heard me because I put this out on Facebook. I was walking home for the dog park.

I walked by this Mexican gentleman selling his wares on the side of the road and one of them was a bicycle. And I've been thinking about how I wanted a bike to like drive. and back and forth to the gym and all that. So I go, I look at the back, I ask him how much. We try to haggle a little bit. He will not come down at all. And we keep talking, he's just not, you know, just 75 Dolores. So I'm like, fuck it.

It's worth it. I look up the brand. It's a good brand. I think it's called Giant. How often do you haggle, if I may? I would say rarely. It makes me uncomfortable, which I know how you're trying to hit, but I really don't like that. I'm sincerely because I've never, I'm so uncomfortable even attempting to do it.

Like, I also hate it. But I could see Drew being the type that's just like how much you want for this. And if that don't hit for him, he's just like, and walks off. Yeah, that's not haggling. That's just, I know. That's what I'm saying. Right. I could see him being more of that type than the haggling type.

I'll give you 50. He said 75. And I said, okay. So I walked off. I went to get the cash because I was walking my dog. I didn't have any cash. And as I'm turning to go in my house, a man on a bicycle is coming up the sidewalk at me. And this car pulls into an intersection that he's crossing and is going to stop, but overshoots the

stop signs so that they can see because if you stop at the stop sign you can't actually see if there's fucking cars coming and hits him as i'm walking to purchase a bicycle a man on a bicycle gets fucking t-boned by this car now not like death because the car was coming to a stop but it fucked his bike up and like he was hurt and i was like all right maybe god's real and he likes me and i was like well there's no way that's true so uh we'll just take it as a whim that's that whole story what he like he was in front of the car and the car pulled into him where the car pulled in front of him

and he did that flip over the hood thing that's hilarious. He's driving. It is fucking fun. It's classic. And the car is slowing down because he's trying to stop anyway but hits him.

T-bones him. Yeah. Knocks him over. Knocked him over. Like slowly comically over? Yes. Okay. So still hits.

Yeah. But it was like... Does it. It was the, yeah. He wasn't injured, but his bike was fucked up and it was the most like, oh, yeah, I don't need a bike.

If that even came close to, to happen. I would get murdered for screaming at the person who did it. Well, me and Corey were just laughing and thinking about you being on a bike because it's the most like comical form of road rage there is. On a bike. On a bike. You would have like hitting that little bike bell calling people fucking, yeah, just yelling cuss words at people fucking take it the fuck out of the way.

I told you all that's why I didn't do it for so many years is how ridiculous anyone mad on a bike looks. They got their little fucking helmet and you know that if you're on a bike, you're going to get mad. But every time a person on the bike is mad, almost every time. Take your Australian Shepherd to the park, you stupid fucking bitch. Almost. I hope someone heard that. Almost every time someone's mad on a bike. Like, they're probably justified.

Someone cut them off. But, like, they still look. They got a little cute helmet. Look, it's a child. They look ridiculous, ma'am. So, they do. There ain't nothing wrong with bikes, but I mean, you look silly on a bike. And he would look exceptionally ridiculous.

Right. Because he would be madder than. fuck while being a cyclist. It might hit. It would definitely for me, I know for a fan. We'd have a baseball card of the women's soccer team in the back of his fucking be great.

I want you to have a bike now. I'm going to buy you a bike. He's got a refugee riding on the peg. Roasting him by making him sound like the best human being in the world. That's a good genre for us. Dude, that's, well, we probably ordained. Now we better know. That was one of those that's just for us. And boy, when they are, there's something else.

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Use our code red to get 30. percent off and free shipping. Don't wait. That's MDRNCBD.com. Code Red. Now back to the damn podcast. So I saw this, uh, an ad, I guess. Because, yeah, go ahead. Were you, were you going to talk?

I thought you wanted me to change the subject, so I was trying to. Yeah, yeah, good, good job. Uh, I saw an ad, I guess. I don't know what to call it because it was free. It was like, you know, a thing when you check in the hotel, there was an exercise class. It was like, sometimes it's CrossFit. Sometimes it's yoga. And I was like, okay, if I'm awake, I might do that. I've been working out.

That might be cool. And what I didn't know is is completely open to the public. I thought it's going to be me and like three ladies on a business trip. Who do you ever see in the gym at a hotel? I saw that same ad, and you're right, it was like it switches up. Yeah. And it's funny because I'm the type just like I would only ever go if I knew exactly what I was walking in. For sure.

Because what if you get there was like Pilates or something? I would have signed up for that. Right. You just turn around and walk around. way. Right. You go and see what it is and then leave. But also, I didn't think it that far through.

I'm telling you, man, something's been wrong on my brain lately. You're right. As soon as I got there. Lately. That's the first. Okay, but in this particular way. This particular way. I got there and I was literally like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Yeah. I hate all of it. There was a dude on a stage. There was a DJ. This other fucker was like bouncing around. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Was it spin? Was it spinning?

Britney Spears, James Fonda. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they do that? He was so peppy. And you know the kind of peppy? Was he Nick Kroll? Was it like Nick Kroll playing that character? That was so great.

Nick Kroll made it kind of funnier on the sketch that he didn't look the part at all. But in real life, this dude made it funnier because he was like a six foot three Adonis, except annoying. I'm like, bro, you don't have abs. You don't need this much personality. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. We haven't even started it. I burned 400 calories.

They can't have a fat. We haven't even started it, and I burned 400. Calor he's hating this motherfucker. So we get going or whatever, and it's kind of cross-fitty. It's like burpees and shit, and I'm like, at least it's a real workout. Like, at least I'm not like trying to do fucking, you know, backbends or whatever the fuck. And he starts walking around, you know, and I, I again was like...

Did you have a headset on like a wireless mic thing? Yes. Yes, and the DJ was... And I'm like, why am I here? All the time. All the time. He was showing us one move where you jump, and he was like, I know it looks like there's there's springs up here, but there's not.

I'm like, we get it. You can jump high. Yeah, congratulations. I have two degrees. No one gives the fuck about either of those things, man. Anyway, he's doing all that. And he's like, come on, we got to push it. Why aren't you pushing it? And he's like, he's talking to everybody, but he kind of starts to look at me. And I wanted to be like, because I've read books, dude. I don't have to do this. I mean, it's, look, bro, it's exercise. I'm doing a good job, all right? You know? But like, exercise is a drug. Yeah. And like, I started to feel fucking good. And then... You started to fail.

Yeah. Yeah. And then... You fucked this dude? Yeah, fucked him. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, me and T.J.

We fucked. And then... I mean, you know, the DJ's playing hitting songs that you play in the club, so it makes sense that she's in this genre. But I lost my mind when Bone Crusher came on. Fucking... Never scared. Yeah.

Rodney Allen Wiggins done told everybody. It's told us. Our friend who's a DJ is like, don't play that song in the club. because a fight will break out. Yeah. If you don't know... He then immediately played that song and destroyed my grandmother's name. I played it. Oh, that's true.

Trey played that song. And he, Rodney, destroyed my grandmother's house. To prove himself right. Prove himself right. Chandelier and all. We had part at Corey's house. Before the party started, Rodney was telling us old DJ stories. He was like, every club owner ever had would tell me,

whatever you do, do not play Bone Crusher because it will be a brawl. And he was like, so every night about 1 a.m., I put on Bone Crusher. and people just start throwing bones. And we were all laughing about it. So then that night at that party, everybody's fucked up at about 2 a.m. I went over and got the ox cord on the iPod and put on Bone Crusher. And Rodney just starts ripping Corey's house apart.

And he did. This is when me and Amber. Just tore it up. Me and my wife at that time were just roommates. Yeah. We were not even dating. None of that. We were just roommates.

We lived in my grandmother's old house. and when I say that that motherfucker got destroyed. And again, just by Rodney, it, like, no one, and he knew that nobody was about to do anything, but he's like, I cannot be called a liar. Yeah. And he fucked my house up. Anyways, they start playing my bono-cracker.

Yeah, to bone-cracker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. If you don't know that song, I know y'all do, but for anyone listening who don't, that song is literally about not being afraid in the club, running into a rival going to your car,

popping the trunk to get your gun out. Now, I understand it's become somewhat of a pop hit, and I'm not trying to be like, oh, but like, it is so weird to be on a fucking Instagram. It was all like 23-year-olds. Everyone there was, like, in great shape. Even the 50-year-olds were, like, weirdly in good. You know how the 50-year-olds

where they've got the muscles in a weird places and shit. Don't hit. They're like, ah, it's like a whole thing. It was called Earn Your Booze. There was a tequila company that. I saw that. That sponsored it. Like, they were giving it.

After this, you get drunk. And you earned it because you burn the calories. That was the whole gimmick. Be a real drunk. And then they're playing this song. I hate that shit. Why people love that shit? There's like 5Ks with beer involved and stuff.

That's Micklob Ultra's entire brand is like... You can get this beer and not get fat. After running a marathon, I'm like, well, if I ran a marathon, why don't I get the beer that fucking tastes good? If I earned it, I feel like I could drink this shit after I walked with a mailbox, you fucking see it. Slim-ass canned on the fit in the goddamn cup holder when I'm on the way. back to the store, which I have to be for this 2.7% alcohol bullshit. Gone. So, so.

Yes. Right up your butt hog. Yes. So I'm thinking all that shit, hating these people. As I said, burning way more calories that way than I am with these burpees. Bone crusher comes on. Now I'm thinking about how ridiculous this is. But exercise is a drug.

It starts to feel good. This dude's saying shit, like, you got to earn it. You got to earn it. You're going to feel better at the end of this because you had the willpower. It's easy to have willpower to go out with your friends. And I'm like, who the fuck are you? No, it is not. You ever canceled right before?

It's way better. And then the drugs start to kick in. And you know how when you're doing drugs, you're like, you know, you have, you feel good and you have less inhibitions. Well, then I left. Like, as soon as I started feeling good, I was like, I don't have to be here. Fuck this shit. So you just walked off in the middle of it? Yeah.

Yeah, I rolled up my shit and was like, peace. Rolled up your shit. Oh, because they give you a thing. Yeah, because, well, I got it in my hotel room, the yoga mat. Wait, what type of, hold up. What type of exercise was this? We was doing like burpees, jumping jack squats. This whole time, I've been thinking it was cycling.

no yeah that's because you because the bicycle story thinking it was a spin class yeah and you just never got off well and then also you then said the nick crow thing and he was spinning right and then i just went back to like i saw this dude up on a thing i mean don't change i went to my room changed my clothes and came back and got in the pool and drank all the drinks that they were giving out for free yeah yeah because i earned them i mean i kind of wish i'd have gone with you to this too and i'd have given up way before of course you would have followed me you'd never said yes because it was at 9.30 and it was exercise. And I didn't know all the things I knew about it.

The 9.30, I'd say yes to something to, but the exercise, you're right. I also didn't know what it was. My thing about exercise is that even when I get in the moods to do it, which I do sometimes. You want them know what you're getting into. Not even that. It cannot be near another person. Oh, right. Like, not anybody.

That's why I was so mad at myself when I arrived. I was like, I work out alone. Me too. Don't even look at me. Y'all are my boys. Headphones in, averting eye contact with every other person. Tray and I have worked out in his yard together before I had a place without even looking at each other. Well, no, what I was going to say is like, y'all are my boys and like, I'm not embarrassed to run in front of y'all doing it. But I still would, I'd rather not.

Like, I'd rather do it by myself. Drew, Drew texted me and be like, hey, can I come over to work out? I've watched y'all work out. Yeah, you'd be like, can I'd be like, can't go over and work out. I'd be like, yeah, you can. But just so you know, I'm going to be on the elliptical, watching stuff about gladiators. So don't say a goddamn word to me. And he was just like, perfect.

Great. That's what I want to do. That's nature shit, dude, not you. So you're not going to be in the way. I wouldn't even going to do the elliptical. No, dude, I can't like, I joined a gym and I was going there like, you know, two or three times a week. And the thing that got me out of, because I stopped going, but then like kept working out like at my house. But like, dude, it was just so fucking nerve wracking.

Like, I'd just be, I'd be on the treadmill and I'd be going in my head. The whole time I'm running on the treadmill, I'd be going, it's fine. It's just about keeping your heart rate up. It's okay that you're going this slow. You'll be on here longer than that motherfucker. Nobody's even looking at you. Like, this is fine. Can't do it.

I can't. I don't even really like people to look at me when I eat. People not looking at you. You hate that. It is funny, right? Well, you like, well, you like love attention. Like, you're at me. Controlled.

When I'm hit. Controlled attention. Yeah, and that's not me at my most hitting. Right. That's definitely true of me. Is that not true of you? Oh, what? Hey.

You love attention but only controlled? Let me get. Let me go and say one thing right now. I'll go ahead and be rabid any of this that may come up. If let's say hypothetically, it will never, ever happen. Hypothetically, I got an insane shape. Like, I just stopped boozing right now. Stop fucking with bullshit carbs.

Started working out heavy every day. I was eating lean proteins. And I looked amazing. All of that shit would change a lot. Like, I probably wouldn't mind so much. I'd probably be at the gym just like, yeah. Two things. First of all, when did you decide?

that I'll never happen because you used to talk about how it was going to happen all the time. No, no, no, no. There's a difference in I think I'll get, I'll get back to being, like, thin, but, like, getting jacked. Well, that was my follow-up, which was how in shape do you got to get? Because I've been in decent shape, and then you go to the gym and, like, abs? Abs.

Abbs? Super in shape. That's like the most in shape. That's what I'm saying. Because he's saying you have to be the most in shape to do what he saw my doing. I would have to be that level to do that. That makes sense, because what I was going to say is, I've been in shape before. it's been a long time.

And you go to the gym. And you're like, you're not nothing. Yeah. Now, I still feel like. Because there's people without a goddamn personality there. If I weighed,

if I weighed 175, even if I didn't have abs or huge muscles, I would obviously be, I would be less. It would be weird. Your head would still be big. Probably. My cheeks wouldn't be,

though. You would look like one of them cake pops. Dude. Yeah. That's true. In that same vein, when I was working as a DOE, I would go to the gym,

which was right across the street. I'd go to the gym every day at lunch. So I was going at the same time every day. I saw the same people. And eventually, even if you're, like I am, you're just completely antisocial and whatever else when you're there. Eventually, you start to, like, know these people a little bit.

And that honestly makes it- I yawned while you're talking about working out. That makes it even worse, honestly. Yeah. Because then you feel like you're supposed to be like, what's up, Brandon, what's going, or whatever, and like, it makes it hit even, like, how many times we're going to talk about how it's bullshit, they only got one squat rack in here. You know what I mean?

Like, you kind of just got to... It's worse when you start to kind of know people. That's why I like a bigger gym. There's a Hawaiian Burbank that's further away than the wine. in North Hollywood. The YMCA. I thought you said I go to the wine Burbank. That also exists, I'm certain.

And I go there because it's bigger and it's more anonymous in the gym. I started going there because they have a basketball court and that hits for me and I don't get stabbed there. But I kept going there because they have like a bigger gym area and I can remain anonymous. There's a few people who like know each other. But it's like I don't, it's big enough that I just, if I don't look at them, there's never going to be like a. What's up, dude? Yeah, that's why I got all my own shit in my backyards. I just never had to worry about that.

and also so I can like listen to heavy metal and if I can get done bench pressing and stand up and just like scream at the sky there's also no commuting you shower right there everything hits about it harder oh dude my yard's not big enough I got Andy a punching bag and that's all we could do in the backyard puncher bag yeah does she have taped to the front of it a heavy bag yeah I do want are you serious I'm gonna talk to her about it and but she has been working out but since she started working out she stopped doing it heavy bags are awesome matter of fact I've got one of my parents house I need to go fucking good because I know dad ain't fucking with it. She says she's going to fuck with it again but I don't believe her and again because she is actually working out. She's living right which is why she doesn't need it. That's great for fucking stress too. I know that sounds insane to a lot of people

out there who think that what I'm about to say is very toxic masculinity and it probably is. No, that's why Andy wanted to punch yeah but back in the day when I used to get supremely just ragey about something you know dad would just be like son go out to the garage and I'd go out of the garage and I'd whip that things ass for like 10 minutes

straight and like yeah I mean, you should, you know, you could hit somebody, I guess, but hit the thing. I was screaming the whole time. Yeah. Sneezing, pissing, crying a lot. Have you ever cried and punched at the same time? Let me tell you something. You look like a bitch, but I promise you, you're doing more damage.

Miss the butt. I used to cry and punch a lot. I've answered your question whose picture is taped up there. The patriarchy. No good. No good. I don't smell it. It's hitting for me, though.

I'm not smelling me. I got nothing. The fans blowing back this way, which is good for me. It's like, you know what? It's living in this robe. Robs hold farts. They do. Robs do hold farts.

So we've been doing a thing lately, literally one time, but I want to make it a thing. Okay. Recurring segment. Will we revisit old moments of ravenry? Oh, God. Well, we've been doing it lately not on the podcast a lot. So, yeah. Bob Seeger hits.

He does hit. I said he hit. So he didn't hit his heart as a foreigner. And then y'all started doing this. No, it was the opposite. It was the exact opposite. And then eventually. The exact opposite is what happened.

We weren't on the podcast when the conversation happened. On the podcast, y'all said that I said Bob Seeger didn't hit. And so I just went with it because it was hilarious. But when we were eating dinner, I said, foreigner's way better. It's the best dad rock. It's better than Bob Seager. What was this? That was you.

Was that you talking about how much he hits for you? No. Is that what you were doing? Tell me how much he had. That was me making fun of you dancing at his concert while you tried to hook up with one of your high school best friends. Mom. Mom. I did fuck, Corey.

Man, you got a thing for fucking fat dudes named Corey. I do. Dude, this is fucking, you know how our wives constantly be, you know, making jokes about it. Saying we gay. Yeah, same we gay. Me and Amber were like, his wife genuinely believes that me and you are gay. I'm starting to believe our wife. might believe it too.

Well, she genuinely believes that you guys have done gay stuff. Unexplored sexuality tendencies towards men that you've explored with each other. It's done gay stuff. Me and Amber. Neither of you are saying no. Well, that's, there's nothing wrong with it.

Yeah. We shouldn't have to say, no. The fact that you're repressing it and not talking about it is what you're doing wrong. Our business. Yeah, I agree. We don't have to talk about it. You don't have to. But the world wants to hear from you.

You're a leader, man. Yeah, well, you know. Amber came home drunk. the other day, which is the thing only she can do. Come home drunk. Somebody brought her home drunk. So she was sitting there and I just

got home from maybe wherever we were last. I don't remember where we were last. But I'm sitting there and she's fucked up and she's looking at me and she goes I don't remember what it was. We had like five minutes of like kind of a sweet catch up moment. We were hugging. Don't happen a lot. And she goes, you know what?

You know what? I fucking realized today. And I was like, what? And I was like, I was about to be some hot gossip. And she goes, gay dudes, when they fuck, they can fuck, like, missionary style. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, they don't have to always just be bent over in doggy style. Like, they can fucking just like, because, like, you know, if you wanted to fuck me and my ass not happening, I could just be on my back. And I was like, yeah.

Like, of course. Like, she goes, so you knew, she goes, so you knew that? She goes, so, so you knew that? And I go, yeah. So you knew that? Oh, sure. And I go. And I go, whatever.

And I go, I go, yeah. Yes, I knew that. She goes, oh, yeah. Is that how your daddy? Trey fucks you when you're on the road? And then she stormed out and my bullpig. She was so mad because I just knew how assholes were. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's how you know. Because Trey fucks you in. hotel, I'm going to eat peanuts. Trey, keep in mind you paid $350 for Gucci slides. How much would you have paid to see that? The hit her doing that to him? Like, with neither of them knowing, we're not there.

No, we're just like watching from a fly on the wall. Fly on the wall. And you didn't know what was coming. Right. Someone's, well, that's hard because like, if you don't know what's coming, it's like, I'll offer it to you. but when you give me the money, I slayed you, and then we show up there,

so you get to not know it's coming. I mean, at least $500. $700. $700. Well, man, Amber, about to start a Patreon. For every day of the week that I would enjoy that so fucking much. And the thing about it is, is it'd come back around. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Well, that's memories do be doing that. Yeah, you think that, like, it's over. What'd you say? Memories be doing that. No, but I'm saying, like, it would hit for a, while you get your $700 out of it and then like a year later you'd remember it. No, I know it sounds like I'm being an asshole. Memories do be doing that.

Do you say it. Do you dovee doing is a fun sequence of work. Dooby-do. They say that if you want to be happy, spend your money on something that gives you a memory because over time it'll get better whereas the thing you bought will get worse. But like, I hear you. This is already. The memory of buying Gucci's though will last forever. There you go. This started with that story I told. Yeah, the story isn't hit for y'all. Like I'm saying. made more than three and a thing you just said it's like what what things do you buy that don't connect to some kind of memory that it gives you you just buy like experiences versus material things if you had just been out shopping and just bought those with no story my buddy y'all know jared jerry jerrys who have been on our podcast yeah the one they've done the podcast they left their jobs to go fucking globetrot and all that shit he always used to say that like that his philosophy was to only spend to primarily spend money on experiences and not think and I mean, I think that's a...

Yeah, I think it's way better too. I mean, I agree with that. My only reason why sometimes it wouldn't be is that if I go broke, I can sell my shit. You know what I mean? Right. But I can't sell my goddamn memory. I don't know, dog. I mean, and you do, you sell your memories.

We do that right now. We sell our memories. We're kind of in the business of selling our memories. I just wanted to... I couldn't resist it. It hit. Oh, it did it. It was so great because he was saying as he did it. He was like, he was like, I was like,

I just really want to. I just really want to. I wanted to do it so I did. I just wanted to do it. You ever just want to so you do it? I want to do the thing I did. It was awesome. Listen,

this is me apologizing in a way by saying I want to. Dave, my buddies used to have this thing where we all used to hang out together all the time, lived together and shit like in college, and everybody was always hanging out together perpetually. We had this thing where my boy, Bid James. Not James Bain, who is. is big, but

Big James. You always do that to us. Well, that's because y'all got them mixed up, which I don't blame you for getting them mixed up. No, no, I meant you always confuse us. Right. So, but Big James, there was this running thing where like,

we'd all be hanging out and I'd just be walking through the living room to the bathroom or something like that. And one of the other do's... The form tackle you? No, no, one of the other dudes would be like, Bitt James, push him down. And he was just like, and he just shoved.

Always, always, always into something soft. Like he never just showed me into a wall or something. He'd show me on to a couch or a bed or a chair or whatever. But it was like, Big Jane, push him down. Just every time. But I also, when I would get real drunk, I would jump on Big James' back. Yeah.

And like fucking, you know, like the mountain troll and Lord of the Rings type of thing or whatever. That's how I got this. No, the big one. That's how I got this scar on my legs because I was drunk as fucking. We were playing cornhole. And I kept jumping on Big James's back. and I was chasing around our asphalt driveway trying to jump on his back and I went shin first into a cornhole board. Don't hit. I've still got a scar. I don't remember what's like it is.

Buddy, how drunk was you? Was you drunk enough for it not to make you cry? I don't remember it. I was blackout drunk. Don't remember it at all. Thank God because, dude, there ain't nothing worth. Dude, I hit my shin just on our bed frame the other day and like that, just barely. Like not even a lot at all. And that literally for like five minutes I sat on the edge of the edge of, edge of the couch, just like, I'm not doing anything the rest of the day. Andy. She hurt herself?

Oh, fuck yeah. Roll that beautiful bean footage. I was helping her with an audition. And the way we've been doing some auditions now, she sits in front of the new, like, Mac thing she bought or whatever. Like a computer? Yeah, she got a computer.

And she sits in front of it. She sat right at Mike. She got a computer. Yeah, she got a computer. I was trying to. I was trying to like, you know, express not a laptop, and I forgot how. Dude, I did, too, because I almost called it a laptop. I was like, look, the computer.

I almost said PC. You know, like, computer. Desktop. Just sit on the table. It's called. Because it sits on a desk. It's a tabletop computer. I almost said PC.

You know, PC? Anyway, she's sitting there and I got, and she sits down in the chair. And I think she scooted it forward. I don't remember exactly. Somehow she got it on her toe, but then she sat. on her own toe on the chair and then you can't hardly because if you move to get up and I mean and it hurt and I was like uh are you okay and she's like I don't know I think it's fucking broken it swelled up and it ended up being fine I didn't get a laugh because for like 10

minutes I thought her toe was broken yeah and we were gonna have to call the ambulance but like do you know what I mean like Corey yeah if you like you can't you're stuck you're not stuck you can get up but put my weight on it to get up I got a rock forward. And so she was like, like that. And I was like, what just happened? And anyway, it hit for me.

Yeah, it does hit. Amber doesn't hurt herself as much as I'd like. And as much as you'd think. That is true. Andy almost never hurts her. Almost every time Amber's too drunk to function, she hurts me. Oh, yeah, look at that.

Man, Andy was wrestling the other night. I was like, well, she did. Y'all didn't tell me. Or here. Yeah, Andy. She does that shit on purpose. Yeah, no, this was... Yeah.

No, Amber... She attacked me. Amber never really hurts herself. If she ever gets too wild or whatever, she'll just go lay the fuck down. I'd be hurting myself. I fall... Dude, I fall in our house so goddamn much. Like, mainly I'll be trying to hit.

Like, I'll get drunk. Me and her will be drunk. And, like, I'll go getting, like, some underwear, and I'll pull my underwear up into my butthole. You know, like, make a thong out of or whatever. And I'll come in, like, doing some risky business shit. And I'm, you know... Bamp, but... How out of line will it be for us to put, like, a secret nanny cam in their house?

Like, because... A felony. Yeah, but... Not if we don't get caught. I mean, I wouldn't care. He'd be fine with it. Yeah. Because, like, Lord.

I mean, I could look at Amber right now because I have that dog cam. I got one of them. She always forgets. And, dude, she'll be... And I don't know. It'll be, like, Friday night. And I'll know she's fucking drunk eating peanuts and I'll just fucking hit the button on. And she'll just go...

Oh, look, lo, lo, lo! And she was, God, fuck you, damn it. It hits so hard. So, yeah, I deserve everything. But I'll get like halfway naked. Me and Andy do that. I'll get, I didn't hit. You got the bubble first, man.

I'll get like halfway naked and like, you know, try to slide through the house like risky business. And then I'll go to like run and jump on the fucking ottoman and like, you know, pretend like I'm surfing and shit. Like, what's up, girl? And I'll just bust your ass. Knock the leg off the ottoman. Just drill my head on the fucking floor.

or the corner of the fuck. I'm going to bleed out one day because if I hit my head on the side of a coffee table and start to bleed out. RIP coffee table. I'll tell you that much right now. Maybe we've got to get another coffee table again.

Corey's fine. I broke this from my head. But like, if I bled out, first off, I'd be so drunk, I'd bleed out real quick. And secondly, she would either be, A, also drunk with me and therefore not able to take me to the hospital or just be like the level of drunk

where she's like, and then just falls back asleep. Yeah. That wouldn't hit. I mean, she could call 911. Of course, where you live, it would take 35 minutes. Oh, yeah, I'd be dead. Bro, I'd be dead.

But, you know, my head would probably save me. But, yeah, I bust my ass. I hit my face on the wall a lot. That's the thing I do. Like, you know, like, because it's bigger and the rest of your body. I'll be just up, like, trying to hit or whatever, and I'll slip here, and then I'll, you know, like, hit my face like that.

Yeah. You know. It's all trying to hit. It's funny because I... And then you do, the wall. This is actually related a conversation. Me and Amber had recently, and she hit for me in it imagine that when we're all talking yeah it was about you not hitting

i know it's hard to know that yeah yeah yeah well who can recall yeah right there's been so many of them me and katie do that about you by the way i'm certain but we're talking about uh me being physically stupid or whatever because he had just done a thing and i was telling amber i was like i was like i just kind of feel like it's unfair because i don't think that i even approach the number of those instances that Corey does. I was like, I was like, not even close to it. I'm always at least trying to hit.

And like, right. With Trey, it's like, hey man, here's your phone. Oh! Right. I'm at least attempting something that I should not be attempting, but like I'm trying to do a thing. You know what it is. I don't think that's true.

It's jock nerd bully shit and I don't feel bad about it. One time I saw you try to catch something and it was hilarious to me. And now this is the whole thing. But you, but like, you can't fake what happened that day. You don't have it. dude you got knocked out by a tree

and had to go lay down because you walked face first into a tree weren't we on a way to a movie? I'm saying shit be happening anyway I said that he's drunk a blot believe that

he said he's drunk a blot he has drunk a blot too I also farted in the middle of that too I said that to Amber and she goes which I thought was very astute of her she was like yeah I think it's just because, like, with Corey, he's just, like, so fucking, like, stupid and stuff all the time that, like,

the way he moves and everything. Like, you just, like, expect him to just do that shit. So, like, he does it. He does it. And you just don't even, like, think about it. You're like, of course he did it. But you, you're, like, smart and stuff. So it's, like, weird.

Like, when Corey does it, everybody's like, yeah, of course. Why wouldn't he have face planting in that wall? That fucking lard-ass-ass. Why wouldn't he have? Of course. I wasn't going to put it out there like that, but that is actually what she said. Call a spade a spade, motherfucker.

What she said what she said was, I feel like Corey's just like so f***ed all the time. You just expect that. Yeah. If you want to break it down semantically, this is how I genuinely feel. I was just watching wrestling. I'm sorry.

Absolutely am probably what you would call spatially stupid. For sure. You're like walking in space? Like walking into a tree limb. Yeah. But when I say physically stupid, I mean, you can't get your body to do what you want it to do. Yeah, look at it. I know.

It's all gangling and floppy and fucking out of proportion and shit. You try getting this thing under control, man. God damn, stupid. That's fair. That's fair. Yes, that's where I was going. specifically dumb, but we got just these random gaps in our knowledge. Corey, Corey, it's the whole.

Corey feels like across the board dumb. Just dumb and every, very balanced dumb. He's a real five-tool dumbass. Blue shit. Let me tell you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that that was wrong. That was wrong.

I was being defensive and I said a terrible thing. For the second time. What did you say? I said the R-Wire. I shouldn't have said it. That's the fourth time it's been said in the last five minutes. Only twice by me. You quoted Amber.

Yeah, right. I'm absolved. Yeah. I was quoting a person. Yeah, absolutely. It's on me. I'm literally taking the one. And he made you.

And I do it too. He made you. I feel like most comments. He knew what she said and he was like, hey. No, he told me he's like, won't you be brave, motherfucker? Just say it. God damn it. Say it.

Say what she's saying. Say what my wife said to me when I wasn't even there, which makes it somehow worse. Say it. Say my wife calls me behind closed doors. Tell the world. But Corey does this thing.

I think most comedians do a version of this where like he'll like say a terrible thing as someone else or whatever. Yeah. But not a real,

I don't mean repeating. Not repeating a thing that someone said. Yeah. And then like, and if you say something like, oh, who, that was rough or whatever. And then his.

his defense is like, I was quoting. I was quoting this other person. It was like, that was not even a real person. You made that guy up. So you can say that. I didn't say it.

What's character word? I hear you. Leonardo DiCaprio said the N-word and Django. I don't think he said that shit. Right. You know what I mean? I know. I genuinely don't believe he said that.

Right. And also, if you're going to do a movie about a slave owner, and then you leave it out, that's weird. I do believe that the orchestrator of the mandingo fight said that.

Right. But I don't believe that. was Leonardo DiCaprio. And that's exactly what it is when you're sitting around a bombfire and you say a bunch of terrible shit while acting like, you know, a guy from Boston or whatever. When I heard. Pretty sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, bingo like, my old baby. That's how it is. When I heard the Shane Gillis thing before, not heard him say it, heard about it. I literally thought that's what had happened. I was like, oh, so that dude said that someone in the 1600 said let all the live in Chinatown. Someone did say that. Right.

But then I went back on it. I was like, oh, no, he said that. Yeah, just a bad bit. That's not a good bit. Yeah, that's not a good bit. Well, boys, we got a show in an hour, and I'd like to get down there and go ahead and get a drink. We're in Phoenix at Stand Up Live.

By the time this podcast comes out, we will be on a little break. But then immediately after that, if I'm not wrong, we're going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina, and then Charleston, South Carolina. And then after that, we only have Denver. We have Denver. And then big, big shows.

Big, big shows. Well-read at Zanis. At Zanis. Christmas spectacular A very well-read Christmas A very well-read

Christmas It'll be great Yeah look for some Married Jolly Look for some new promo materials on that Because we're gonna throw We're gonna get yule as fuck

You'll We'll get y'all We'll get y'all We'll get all that shit That is December 19th Through the 22nd Those shows always sell out Let's do some molly

Fala la la la la la la la la la La la la la Poh God damn it I don't know I thought I had it I thought you had it too. I believe.

I never hesitate. No, hell no, not with a fart. So 19-33-20-7. And I thought if you squeezed any harder, you was going to shit yourself. You can get those tickets at Well-R-R-R-R-D-com. W-E-L-R-R-E-D-com. Do you remember Joe Dirt? My favorite line, I think, is,

if you've seen my girlfriend, you'd shit yourself. Mine is, mine is, it's the sequence of events when he goes, he goes, hey, you've done with that apple court? And he threw farts. He goes, done with that fart, you want that? And he goes, nah, maybe it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass, I take my. You know what I'm saying? I think mine is, oh, yeah.

Is this queer? Is this queer? They're both straight and looking for chickies. Talking to the mic. It's hot, and it doesn't like feedback. You live in a boiler room? Yeah, I got a few prices. You know what we need to do for a bonus episode?

Because, like, I don't want to do it for a regular episode because, like, it won't hit for something. Just do, like, a mystery science theater thing of that movie? Yeah, and followed by a watch-along. Let's do a whole fucking huge... That's what I mean by that. Oh, is that what they do? Mr. Science Theater, where they sit... The robot sitting in the front row watching them all...

You don't know what mystery science theater is? What? I knew what it is, but I never fucking... Yeah, I mean, I knew what it was, but like I never really fucked it. Yeah, yeah, no, I'll watch along. Yes, absolutely. That's a great idea. I did that fucking YouTube thing that.

I went to YouTube and shot this thing. It was Redd-Nacen-Rever. You went to YouTube. Yeah, it was horrible. I was much older than I was when I went to work out this morning. Oh, speaking to which, we're on YouTube, by the way, so I've already done that promo. Go to YouTube.com slash well-read comedy

and you can watch these episodes. Go ahead. The idea of the show was like this gimmicky thing, like rappers versus redneck. It was like a trivia thing. They asked redneck questions about rappers. They asked rappers questions about rednecks. Joe Dirt came up and then the dude,

the director, you know, like, you know, it's a very produced show. He's like, all right, y'all just give us some quotes from Joe Dirt to some of your favorite quotes and then we might be able to use this to some part. I did, but me and the other kid, he was from Clinton was like, you know, he's also a redneck.

We were doing quotes. And every time we get halfway through a quote we'd be like oh you can't use this one can you oh you can't use the one that every single one yeah except for no there were a few there's still a good amount yes but he was like what are your favorite ones and then the rednecks just stepped up and without even realizing it me and him both started doing ones that had words like queer in it or whatever we were like it was a different time i don't know man it was a different time yeah i mean

hit yeah too well they outlawed the heads yeah all right well let's get the fuck out of here and go do this show Come see us on the road, wode. Come see us on to wode, well-read comedy.com. Follow into the abisket. Me and DJ Lewis, the gutter bumpkin, got a new podcast. Corey and Trey will both be featured on it. Also, Trey just started a new series.

What are you doing on the Facebooks and the YouTube's? Oh, well, I mean, we're just about to start filming it, but yeah. Oh, I meant the stuff that you've currently been doing the Fox News stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm doing a Fox News watch-along every day of the week. Yeah. Because I don't value my sanity. So, yeah, check that out. It's called bubble busting.

There you go. End of the abisket. I-N-T-O-T-O-T-H-E, B-I-S-C-U-I-T on Twitter and Instagram. And I can't stress enough. Please go join, subscribe to YouTube.com slash well-read comedy. We're putting up old podcast clips like the best of. We're also every single new episode is going to be broadcast in its entirety. So check that out.

Share with your friends. Love you. And, uh, skoo! Gochie. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you, good night and skew.

One, two, three, four. Mercy, mercy, fart on me. That's the way that love should be. Baby, you're the only one I see. So mercy, mercy. fart on me. Everybody now. Mercy, mercy,

fart on me. That's the way that love should be. Baby, you're the only one I see. So mercy, mercy, fart on me. Why don't you fart on me? Oh, come on now, good Lord. Right overdone it there at the end there, Billy. Just got to always have a last damn word, don'ty.

Take it from the top one more time. I believe I can fart better than that. With one of the best savings rates in America, banking with Capital One is the easiest decision in the history of decisions. Even easier than choosing Slash to be in your band. Next up for lead guitar. You're in. Cool.

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