wellRED podcast - #14 - Kim Davis is a "Martyr Farter" + An Interview With Kelsey Cook!

Episode Date: May 10, 2017

On this weeks episode the boys take one final ride in Big Pig (Corey's Truck that was wrecked and totaled 4 hours after recording this) and discuss how Cleveland has magical homeless people, the ridiculousness of Tennessee's new "Natural meaning" law, and why certain religious people seem to get off on pretending to be persecuted.  After all that blabber, we cut to an interview we did in Trae's Burbank guest house with our good friend and hilarious Comedian Kelsey Cook (@KelseyCook). We discuss Kelsey's upbringing in rural Washington, crippling anxiety amongst people in the arts, and why her momma is one of the most bad ass women on earth.  Check out Kelsey's Podcast Cook'd on iTunes. Her web-series 'Stand Ups Doing Makeup' Can be found on her YouTube channel "Kelsey Cook" (One episode features her making Trae look like a pretty lady:) For more info and tour dates, go to KelseyCook.com For OUR tour dates and merch and to subscribe to our newsletter and all that jazz, go to wellREDcomedy.com Tell your friends to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review if ya dig it!!! SKEEEEEWWW  

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because you used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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What's up everybody? Well readers, what's happening? Welcome to this week's edition of the well read podcast. The well red podcast as always is brought to you by our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie Out of the Dark, available. at Audible, Barnes and Noble, books a million, you know, wherever books are sold, along with Amazon.com, where it spent several months at number one in religious humor and political humor, and also reached number six on the overall bestsellers list.

We are super proud of it and know you will love it as well. If you've already got one, as always, buy one for your papal. We know that he will love it too. Here is a list of some tour dates that we have coming up. The cities that we're going to hit here starting May 21st, Richmond, Virginia, May 22nd, Virginia Beach, Virginia, May 23rd, Bethesda, Maryland, June 1st through June 3rd, Huntsville, Alabama, June 8th, Los Angeles, California, June 10th, Vancouver, British Columbia, June 11th, Calgary, Alberta, June 12th, Edmonton, Alberta, June 22nd, Madison, Wisconsin, June 23rd, Chicago, Illinois, which that one's almost sold out. And actually Madison, Wisconsin did sell out, but we added a second show. September 8th, the historic Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts, one of my favorite cities. And September 14th through the 17th, that whole weekend, we're going to be in Lexington, Kentucky.

And also that May 21st date I give you for Richmond, Virginia, we're actually going to be there the whole weekend. Let's see, Friday through Sunday. So you can go to well-read comedy.com to grab those tickets. That's spelled just like the podcast. W-E-L-L-R-E-D comedy.com. Pick up tickets, pick up T-shirts, all sorts of different merch. Our books also for sale.

And you can sign up to our newsletter. If you sign up to our newsletter, we will send you updates about cities that we're coming to. And when we add shows, you'll be the first one to know. And sometimes you get special deals. And it also makes this part of the podcast irrelevant. So you can just skip right through it because you will have already known.

So anyways, hit up the website for those. cities. Okay, anyways, this week's episode of the well-read podcast features an interview with our good friend and hilarious comedian Kelsey Cook. Kelsey can be found on Twitter at Kelsey Cook Comedy or on Instagram under the same name. You can go to Kelseycook.com to see her upcoming comedy show dates and buy merch and all that good stuff. She also has a podcast called Cooked on iTunes. That's C-O-O-K apostrophe D. She's had Trey and Drew on, Not me because she hates me.

I'm kidding. We just haven't worked it out yet. I'm actually, I'm going to do it the next time in Los Angeles, and I can't wait. She has a web series, stand-ups doing makeup. It's on her YouTube channel, Kelsey Cook.

She's had Trey on that. So if you want to go to that web series and watch Trey get makeup put on him, I would highly suggest it because he looked very uncomfortable doing it. Anyways, wow, I'm out of breath. Lastly, she's going to be taping for Comedy Central's, this is not happening on June 6th in Los Angeles, which I think may be the day after that, I'll be in town, so we'll probably do her podcast that day. It's going to be

sweet. So anyways, check out Kelsey. Kelsey Cook.com. She is fantastic. Man, we were all, when we did this podcast, she came over, we were all just dead tired because we've been on a plane all day. And she really, man, I'll tell you what, she really energized us and carried the show. This is one of the best episodes. She's absolutely. fantastic, charming, sweet, above all, hilarious. Anyways, before that, before the interview with Kelsey, you need to listen to us. We have an intro for this where we ramble on in my truck all the way back to Trey's Hotel in Cincinnati.

And it also should be noted that this is the last time we will be able to ramble on in my truck because about four hours later, it was slammed into the guardrail on I-75 in Kentucky. Don't worry, we're all okay, but it was a whole whole. thing. It was, but my big, my truck, aka Big Pig has had to be laid to rest. In lieu of flowers, I will

accept beer, bacon-wrapped figs, and foot rubs. But anyways, I digress. Enjoy the podcast, y'all, and tell your friends. Ski! Well, well. You!

Okay, skee-way. Here we are. What's up, Drew? Hey, Trey. Yeah, what's up, blood? We, uh, we're in, uh, we're in Corey's truck right now. It's raining. Dodge Ram.

We, we, uh, we, we, uh, we, we're flying down 705 going from Cincinnati. Y'all are going to Tennessee. You're dropping me off at the Cincinnati airport. We are. And, uh, Corey's here. He's going, Corey, you got something that hits. Just throw your hand up. I'll, I'll, uh, hold the mic in front of your, in front of the bee in front of your big ass head.

and you can make a hit. Okay, all right. Corey, do you think if we wrecked and you flew through the glass, your big head would, like, knock the windshield out for me so that I wouldn't have to go through the glass? Yeah, that's a lot of ways that you're there for me. I appreciate that. Yeah, Corey's head, or as we call it,

the bee would take the brunt of it. Have we covered the bee on here before? I think last time I did say we called it to B because it looks like he got stung by, about 18Bs all at the same time in different spots on his head and all swallowed up. Yeah, yeah, he got a real swall head. Big old, big old fat head, Corey got. So, all right, Drew, it's me and you on here primarily because Corey's driving,

but also because our beloved home state of Tennessee is, well, you know what, I'm not going to put it on the state of Tennessee. The state-level elected officials of the state of Tennessee who suck all the decks on earth, they are up to some fuckery again. And then got it passed, and now it's ready to be vetoed or not. It's on Governor Bill Haslam's desk. It's his decision to make. And obviously, we're hoping that it will be vetoed. and you know

we've done our part HB 1-1-1 1-1-1-1 HB-1-1-1 which calls for the definition of words

they made a law and ostensibly what it says and the language of it says that it dictates that words always have their quote natural and ordinary definitions and they've presented it as like you know that's all we we care about words now for the first time ever we care about words and what they say what is the

natural and ordinary meaning of ass all but i think it's you senator that's right but what what they're what they are really trying to do is those words that they're that they're talking about are words like husband wife wife like that it's a it's an anti-gay law that's what it is it's a law that's trying to make it to where uh you know gay people can't be married in tennessee they can't adopt kids in tennessee or whatever i am glad that tennessee republicans are finally reading something very hot just happened and it's just went to all the sudden we're three now drew you keep talking keep explaining it i'm gonna figure out what's happening here don't yeah don't do that court.

Yeah, I didn't think so. We are lost. This is a metaphor for how the GOP is right now. They're grasping at straws. What I was saying was, it's not a good reason, but I am happy that the Republicans in Tennessee are finally concerned with definitions and dictionaries and how words work. It's like, if this is what we had to do to get them reading, you know, I'm kidding, of course, it's bullshit.

Another thing that pisses me off about it is it's very covert. You know what I mean, Trey? it's no it's it's it being sneaky wizard but like but here's my thing about that it's insulting that you're passing this law

which is gonna fucking you know potentially ruin people's lives and be shitty it's also insulting that like you think we don't fucking know what you're doing

oh dude yeah you dumb fuck pieces of shit how fucking stupid do we you think we are you know like I mean really dumb that's my point I think that we're really stupid

I'll say this though So like, say it. Haslam, he's a Republican. He don't hit. Haslam sounds like Islam. But as far as Republican governors go,

in my opinion, he's actually been pretty reasonable and pretty solid. He vetoed the whole making the Holy Bible, the official state book of Tennessee. He passed, Tennessee, if I'm not mistaken, was the first state in the country.

to pass a law making community college free for all, free for everybody. Right. Haslam's been pretty pro-education. He's done a lot of shit that I like. I mean, in addition to doing shit that I don't like because, you know, just being a Republican or whatever, but I'm saying I'm hopeful that he will, I'm hopeful that he will veto this because he seems like a pretty reasonable dude. Yeah, do you hear us, Haslam? We think you're pretty reasonable.

Right. Don't prove us wrong. Do the right thing. Also give us a sponsorship with your pilot and all your family's gobs and gobs and gobs of money. Well, it's Pilot J, right? Yeah, yeah, Pilot Flying J. Yeah. His brother owns the Browns.

Yeah, and his, yeah, their daddy. His dad totally owns a dealership. His brother, Jimmy Haslam, owns the Browns, and their daddy, Big Jail's. Jim Haslam, he made his bones. He made his fortune owning a chain of gas station slash convenience stores, pilot Flying J. And it's mostly for truckers. And a few years ago, the fucking FBI raided their headquarters. They got into a big bunch of shit because they had, y'all ain't going to believe this.

they have been fucking those truckers over. Dude, who'd have thought. I got a text from a buddy who, like, you know, is ingrained in the political world. And he told me at one point in that, he's like texting me. He's like, yo, they're about to arrest Jimmy has them. Obviously, that didn't happen. You know, maybe he had bad information. Maybe they changed her mind.

But my point is like, you know, it got close, which is so pathetic. We're like, yeah, the rich guy almost went down. Yeah. Wasn't that a great time to be alive? And just as a side note, any football fans listen right now, you may also know Jimmy Haslam from the 2000, I don't know, 12 or 13 draft where he said that a homeless man had told him to draft Johnny Mansell. And so he did that. Wait, that's the owner of the Browns. Wait, what?

You ain't ever heard that story? No. He said, Jimmy Haslam said, and I mean, they were going to draft Manzell anyway, either way. if they could, but the story he gave was he was in Cleveland, leaving a gas station or something. Was it the homeless man that could sing? Because that guy was from Cleveland. You're right. That guy was from Cleveland, but no, it was a different home.

The homeless people in Cleveland make a lot of waves. You're right. That's hilarious. But he said that he was leaving a gas station or something, and a homeless guy basically said, like, you know what we need is Johnny Football. And then they drafted him or whatever. And then he said, also, all hell, the sun king. Right.

And he threw his dog at a window. I mean, look, I'm not trying to make fun of homeless people, but we shouldn't be listening to them for a draft. That aside, it is kind of fucked up that that family is also, you know, part of the governorship of Tennessee. But that's the truth. And like you said, he's been okay. Okay.

Like, he, right, he ain't Sam Brownback. Like, he's been. I hate that politics in this country have gotten so bad that it's like, well, I mean, you know, he didn't ruin our state. Matter of fact, Bill Haslam, if you listen right now, not just to make you give a fuck at all, but I actually, I voted for Bill Haslam in the last gubernatoric, guba, whatever it is. Got damn. I did. I did because the Democratic candidate was an absolute fucking joke. and to me, Haslam was the better choice.

And so I voted for him. So I fucking voted for you, Bill Haslam. Don't be a piece of shit. For the same reason you voted for him. I just didn't vote in that. And that's fair. Yeah, and that's fair. But, um...

Well, I mean, I'm better than you. But, yeah. But so... Sorry, so I'm going to give him the number. I'm going to give him a number. Go ahead. No, yeah. Give him the number.

Go ahead. So, okay. So we have called and left the message. I'm going to call tomorrow. speak to a lie person. Although, man, when we actually, when this comes out...

They'll have already voted, brother. We don't know. According to your buddy, Kevin Teats, who's a political figure in Lawyer in Middle Tennessee and also a Cho and a friend of ours, he, uh... Chewitt. He said

that... He said that Haslam has 10 days not counting Sundays from the time the bill hits his desk to either sign it, veto it, or not sign it, which is the same as signing it. And I think it hit his desk on Monday. So I think by the time people hear this, he will have made a decision already, I think.

But you can still give them a number, though, in case you would Tennessee in or just not and just care. 615-741-2001. And you guys can write it down, you know, otherwise if we have Tennessee fans or just, you know, people in California. warn you. He ain't got a lot to do, you know. You just want to call Bill. That's right. What's up, Bill? Let him know to this bullshit. Don't be passing bills, Bill.

So this is what I was about to say, Drew, and I would imagine that you agree with this, but I don't know. We'll see. Why do they keep doing bills like this? The reason that I think it is is because if you're a state-level motherfucker like they are, This is the absolute best way to get national attention. Like Stacey Campfield, who was also a state-level... The don't-say gay guy. A state-level Tennessee politician who made national headlines a few years ago for his bill,

the don't-say-gay bill. And I think they saw that, and they were like, no one's going to know my name or give a fuck what I do at all, unless I do something like this that makes waves. that's why I think they do it in addition to just like pandering to the shittiest part of their base or whatever but like those are the same

right exactly and what I mean by that and that's what I was going to say is I don't disagree with you but I don't entirely agree with you I don't know if it's necessarily about making national news as much as it says these are free votes I can pander to a certain aspect of my base

and even if this bill fails I'll get credit for trying because Tennessee and trying to do what hate people well yes but Tennessee Kentucky I think this is true

in probably Alabama maybe Mississippi there's a big thing where Christians feel persecuted God and it's something else it really is I mean I grew up in a Christian household

I love my mom and dad very much we've talked about it a lot but even they you know to their credit have talked to me a little bit about how like people wear it like a victimhood badge of like it's so

hard. Right. And in our book I wrote about it quite a bit in our book about how it does kind of make sense because on a national level on a national level like the Christian evangelical is sort of made fun of.

Yeah, but... Go ahead. Corey said for good reason, which is fair. So those folks, you know, they say look, you know, we were on CNN last night getting bashed and they go to the PTA meeting and church. and, you know, business lunches and all that. And they go, can you believe that CNN made fun of us again?

And they feel persecuted. But in those towns, in those states, in those little towns in Tennessee and Kentucky and wherever else, it's like, yeah, but you all feel that way. Well, right. You're all in that together. Well. And that don't give you, like, you're persecuted for persecuting people. Exactly.

That's what I was about to say. Like, yeah, you're right. I mean, I put that in the book, too. Maybe you didn't read it. All the people that are screaming about, you know, being persecuted, yes. First of all, where they live and where they're from, they're the huge majority. Literally everyone agrees with them. They're not being persecuted by anybody.

But also, when they talk about being persecuted, it's whenever they get, whenever they catch flag, whenever they catch flag for persecuting other people, for trying to dictate how other people live. Yes. And it's insane to me

that they evidently they feel like that is one of their rights. Like their rights are being infringed upon and one of their rights apparently is to dictate what other people are allowed to be, what they're allowed to do

and whatever else. And that's the fucking problem. Well, Kim Davis, is the, you know, prime and perhaps most famous example. But, like, you can... Corey called her a martyr farter.

You can easily take her example and break down what's happening here. She made the news, and, like, you know, you look on my social media or whatever, everyone was shitting on her. So, like, a person who's not from America, for example, they can look at my Facebook feed or whatever, and they go, oh, damn.

You know, she's... really getting a lot of shit for her beliefs. Maybe she is in the minority. But it's like, all right, well, two things. Number one, go to where she's from. Right. Look at the fact that Mike Huckabee, by the way, has there ever been a more perfectly named motherfucker than Mike Huckabee?

His last name sounds like what, like a Christian says instead of a curse word. Oh, Huckabee. Well, Huckabee. I just sat around hating these queers, right and left. Next thing, and I'll stub my toe. I'll hookabee. Wouldn't you know it? Huckabee.

Anyway, she's literally a legend in her own culture and world because of what she did, but you could totally make the case based upon like a national view. Oh, she's persecuted, blah, blah, blah. But then here's the other thing. She took a constitutional oath. You know what I mean? Like she took an oath to uphold the law, which is the gay marriage legal. and then she was like, I'm persecuted for having to do my job.

Quit. Dude. Quit. You're persecuted because your fucking shitty haircut looks like Forrest Gump as a haircut. Dude, my whole thing with that is, like, Kim Davis was the one that became famous, but right after the Supreme Court, basically, you know, legalized gay marriage. Yeah. And this happened all over the place.

But I noticed this particular case because it's my in-laws. My wife Katie, where she's from in Wainsborough, the judge in Wayne County or whatever said, well, that's fine. That's fine. The Supreme Court of the United States, they can say that, but we're not going to acknowledge it. We don't have to acknowledge it. We're not going to do that. And my genuine reaction of that is, who the fuck is?

you. Like what? You're, how fucking dare you? Your entire job is to uphold these laws and the Supreme Court of the land

has told you what the laws are and you're just going to fucking ignore it. Well, here's my thing about that coming from a criminal law world, man. If I'm in that judge's courtroom and I'm on a criminal law case and someone hits me with a fucking well-established

nationally known federal interpretation of the Constitution fact, and it hurts my case, it hurts my client or whatever. The first thing I'm going to say is, well, judge, I mean, this court does I have to acknowledge the law of the land. I mean, the precedent was set yesterday when we refused to acknowledge the law of the land. So please make an exception in my case like you did in the one yesterday. That ain't going to go over well. I'm going to get kicked out of court, hell and content, probably. Especially because when he says,

no, I'm going to call him a hypocroical piece of shit, tell him, you know, your daughter, well, I don't want to go into that. I about got real. But what, Drew, as a native, rural Tennessee and who grew up very religious. Yeah. What is it about gay people being,

happy that incenses them so much. Like we said earlier like, oh, they're trying to get national attention. They're trying to make a name for themselves or whatever else. They're trying to pander to the easy votes. Why is it that that even is considered pandering to those people? Why is it that that's the thing that that's where you go at if you're on that side of the fence? To be fair, what is it? Happy people are annoying.

Yeah, true that. Man, honestly, I think it just, like, it grosses them out, number one. That's what it is. And then number two, it's just something they can latch on to. You know what I mean? It's like a very black and white, right and left. That and abortion, it's like, these are two things where you can draw a line and say, this is how it is. Let me give you.

Because here's the thing. Those folks we're talking about, they don't do well in gray areas. The hell no, they don't. No, man. Because when you get in a gray area, you have to use critical thinking and deductive reasoning, and that don't hit for them. And, again, I want to be clear, like I said earlier, I mentioned how my mom and dad, I disagree with a lot of what they feel and think, but, you know, they're cool, and they can use deductive reasoning. And people like Kim Davis bother them, I think, too, because it's like, oh, now you're representative of all evangelicals.

Right. And to be fair, it is a majority of evangelicals. But. Well, it's just like us and shitty redneck. Oh, sure. But here's the difference. Kim Davis wants to be on TV. Right.

She got arrested on purpose. That is not because she's so vehemently opposing. She's been married four fucking times. She doesn't know shit about the sanctity of marriage. I mean, to be fair to her, she got married to one dude twice. So, I mean, clearly, you know, that was the Christian thing to do. Anyway. You'd think she would have got a haircut.

She knew if she wouldn't be on TV that bad. God damn. I feel like she hates gay people because none of them will cut her fucking hair. And that's why it looks so shitty. Here's my theory, and I'm sincerely interested. I'm sorry. Well, because I was already ahead. I was already thinking about, you know.

You were ahead? No, she's ahead. She's nothing but ahead. Her forehead is so goddamn thick. She looks like she's Peyton Manning's mama. Here's the theory that I've had about it for a long time. And me and Corey have talked about this. And I know that Corey agrees with me.

And I'm wondering what you think about this. I think a huge part of it also is, as long as, long as being gay is at the top of their pyramid of sins abortions above it for the record okay but other than

what I would call extreme cases like which is hilarious gay people can't ever get abortions I know but I'm saying as long as being gay is up here at the top of that pyramid it makes them feel a lot better

about the shit that they do meaning like, yeah, you know, I've beat my kids or I'm divorced or whatever else, but at least I don't suck dick. And that's what Jesus really cares about. I think it has a lot to do with that. Self-righteousness in general? Yes, absolutely. I mean, I'm not sure how many of them beat their kids, number one.

And number two, like, yeah, the divorce aspect is really rampant. Beat your kids by what metric? Well, I'm fair. Fair, but they don't feel bad about that, so they never crossed their mind. But in Oregon, they beat their kids. In Tennessee, they're just disciplining them, the people that I'm talking about. Yeah, but no one feels bad about that. I know.

It's not crossing her mind. But they do feel bad about the divorce. I do think self-righteousness, yeah, that's an aspect of it. But self-righteousness, that's like a relative thing. That implies, I feel like the self-righteousness comes into play when, like, Aunt Tammy wants to judge your wife because, you know, she was wearing too short of a skirt for her liking on a Saturday. That implies that we're on the same level, but I'm better at it than you. I really don't think that for a lot of the people, where it's talking about, like the Kim Davis's of the world,

that gay people are even, I mean, and this is fucked up to say, but, like, you know, basically human. It's a legit, like, but you're beneath us. in all ways. Why? Like, why that versus all the other sins and shit that are laid out in the Bible? Why, why is it that?

Black and what? Well, Cori just said because they can't be guilty of that. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's a black and whiteness. It's just the one they know they'll never do. Exactly. And that's what I was saying. It's the black and whiteness of it. It's the ease of that. You are different than me in a way that I never I'm going to be in danger of being.

Therefore, you are fucking not human to me. You're beneath me. Whereas it's like divorce, I might end up doing that, you know, coveting your neighbor's wife. You know, those dudes stay, be doing that. You know, I've seen how they look at my wife. She got a nice

butt. But anyway, uh, that's a type of sin that they know they're not going to commit. Or, you know, or if they are closeted gay, you know, that's a whole like self-hatred thing. But that's different.

Yeah, well, I'm saying, saying, well, that's a type of sin. No, they're not going to commit. That's the same thing that I'm saying. Like, they know, they know. I'm going to be honest. I drank a lot. I don't remember what you said, but I said as long as they. I know you just want me to tell you that you're right and you're right.

Okay. Well, that's one thing you have in common with them people. You just want to hear that you're right. And I have that in common with you. I bet that's a hell of a thing for you to say. Oh, buddy, I was born right. I couldn't help it. Just like gay people was born gay, I was born correct.

We are this way. Like lady guy said. Well, anyway, we're going to have to wrap this up because we got a whole whole interview to go through, and it's a very good one. We sat down this week with, well, I mean, in point of fact, it was a few weeks ago, but you're hearing it this week. with our good friend Kelsey Cook who is a very funny lady comic from Spokane. She's a very funny comic

from Spokane, outside of Spokane, Washington. The rural area. We experience Washington. It's got its own kind of fucking red-ass situation. As most states do, man. You get out in the rural areas of most of the states in this country and they've got their own red-ass thing going on and rural

Washington is no different matter of fact actually no I'm not going to tell the story because we talked about it with Kelsey so y'all will hear it in the interview but our experience with the comedy club in Spokane was a hell of the thing but Kelsey

had me and Drew on her podcast before all this viral bullshit She just had us on because she thought we hit and she hits whatever else we were on there. And it was a good time. And Kelsey has been a friend of ours. That was two weeks before you went viral.

It was. And Kelsey has been a friend of ours ever since. So we asked Kelsey to sit down with us and talk about comedy and what makes somebody be a comedian and also the rural parts of Washington. And are we all broken? or are we not and a whole bunch of very interesting things but anyway Kelsey's very interested and very funny her mama is a complete badass and so if y'all want to hear more about that well just listen on and we'll see y'all next week thank you

all right well here we are with the lovely lovely Kelsey Cook hey Kelsey hi Kelsey hi guys thanks for having me now thanks for joining us we uh It's weird. We haven't known each other that long, but I feel like we're old friends at this point. I do, too. Well, we've done each other's makeup, and that's like a very bonding experience. Like, I put fake eyelashes on you. Yeah. And I told you this when you first asked me about doing the makeup. I was like, my wife, as we've already talked about, she's very into makeup too. Yeah, yeah. And she had said to me a couple times, hey, we should do a video where I do your makeup or whatever.

and you do and I was always just like, nah, I ain't doing that. Right. I don't like the sound of that. And then you asked me to do it and I was, you know, comic to comic. I was like, yeah, absolutely, I'll do that. And I told you, I'm like, look, this might get a little dicey when I tell Katie because she's been trying to get me to do it. But she's pretty laid back. She rolled with it.

Okay, cool. But, yeah, but we've, and before that, I feel like it's kind of weird how it's all. The reason I feel like we're old friends is. because, like, I knew you before everything about my life changed. I thought you were going to say before you knew me. I was like, what I'm talking about? No, because you very, very, very graciously, you had Drew and I on your podcast in New York, like, was it a little over a year ago. Yeah, it was right before you guys popped, right before the backyard video.

went viral and so yeah it was a like if we had podcasted two weeks after that time it would have been a completely different interview because it would have been like oh my god i actually i was really really glad for that uh at the time of the pop uh because i caught a and i still do but especially when it first happened i caught a whole lot of shit from people who were like this is all just made up you know what i mean this is all just a gimmick you're faking all this shit or whatever whatever and we had recorded that podcast and you posted it like that week and I shared it and I was like hey this was a few weeks ago yeah this was before any of this shit listen to me talk yeah listen to you kept saying you're like this is like a fucking country song like the shit that we were saying like

you too like and now and now I know Corey too it's just like the background you guys have is so fascinating and that's why I mentioned I texted you about the S town podcast because it's that same vibe of just like, Jesus, I can't even imagine growing up in a place like this. Like, I grew up in kind of a hick place, but man, where you guys are from, I think is a totally different thing. Yeah, and it's funny you say that because a lot of times, and I don't know anything about your hometown, which is in rural Washington. What's it called?

What's the name? So I'm originally from Spokane, Washington, which is like a legitimate city. But I, for like, middle school and high school, went to Cheney High School. I was in Cheney, Washington, which is like 20 minutes outside of Spokane, and it's very, like, future farmers of America. Yeah, yeah. Like, tumbleweeds. We did, we did Spokane on the tour. That's right.

Spokane Comedy Club. Yeah. The best story of the tour. Yeah. In terms of people's expectations. Oh, my God. What happened? All right.

Well, I'll tell you that, but real quick, first, we drove, none of us, I don't, pretty sure, none of us had been to Spokane before that. We did Spokane. The show was great and everything. And then the next day, we drove to Seattle. we traversed the great state of the great state of Washington. Yeah, you drove over the pass. And there were so many Trump signs and shit. And like we're not,

we weren't surprised by that because we find like in the rural parts of any state in this country, that's where you run into those people, which is one of the big points that we consistently make. Yeah. But we definitely ran into that in Washington. And, but the story Drew's talking about this. This is the only time we think like,

should we put the, yeah, fuck this dude. We'll put him on. I'm glad. So, so this is the only time anything like this has happened on the tour. We got to the club. Corey always gets there early and checks with everybody, the management stuff to make sure everything's good and everything's running smooth. And we had emailed or texted or something earlier with the owner.

And I don't remember his name, but we had had contact with him. And let's say his name's Kevin. Sure. So Corey gets there and he's like, yes, is Kevin around? You know, because that's what we've been talking to it. He owns the place. They're like, no, he dipped. He had to go.

Kevin's actually the dad of the owner. So you didn't get him. The name actually is Kevin? That's the dad of the owner. Okay. Well, I sincerely thought I was just pulling that out of the air. That's funny. But me and Drew, when we pulled up...

God damn it. Now we've said his real name. I know. And I didn't even mean to. But when me and Drew pulled up, because we got there like 30 minutes later than Corey, there was a guy leaving. Uh-huh. And he was parked right.

up front and he was just like he like most of us in the park there but he was just like whatever and then like just left. He didn't. He gave us his spot. He gave us his spot. He didn't talk to us. We didn't think anything about it. Right. It's just some dude, whatever. And

but we get in there and Corey's like, yeah, I don't know what's going on. They said Kevin left. And then the sound guy was back there. We're talking to him and he told us what it happened. And what had happened was Kevin, and again, it's fucked up that that's his actual name. Yeah. Kevin had been like...

You ain't got no lies to tell. Kevin had been like... When he booked us, when he booked the well-read comedy tour. Yeah. And, you know, like, we knew we had been selling tickets and stuff. And so he's like, yeah, absolutely bring them in. But when he booked the well-red comedy tour, we spelled R-E-D, he thought it was a Native American stand-up comedy tour. To her.

We're smart Indians. Red as in red skin is what he thought like well red. He thought we were natives. And he never, he didn't look into it. It was just like, oh, I good. That's a good pun now. I got some Indians coming in here. That's fine.

That'll be good. And the kicker is that he's super conservative. Right. Which is funny because he hated us when he found out what we really were. But also, it's pretty racist to assume that the well red boys are fucking Native. What? He left.

So when he found out, he like mentioned that to some of his staff and they were like, what? No, no. It's well-read, like, well-red neck. They're all, they're like liberal redneck comedians. They're progressive southern comedians. And apparently he was like, wait, so they're political? And he's like, yeah, kind of. That's part of their thing.

And they're liberal, their liberal comics. That's their whole thing. Like, yeah, they're liberal rednecks. And he was like, oh, okay, all right. and he fucking left. He dipped, didn't talk to none of us, just bounced. It was like, like, stormed out, basically. He was like, he was like, look, I only want Indians or people who don't care if Indians get killed.

That's the only comedians that he wanted. Oh, my God. Did he storm out? Why, we didn't. Well, we kind of saw him leave. And he was, he, like, parked us. I feel like there was some part of the story that he was like, nice, but maybe I made it up in my head. No, the part of it.

him being nice as we did really good numbers at his club and but yeah that's what Republicans care of it yeah I don't think you're why your family likes you right I don't think he you know I don't think he was shitty about it but a couple people on the staff were like yeah y'all just ain't gonna be his bag you know that's just not gonna be

it which I mean you know that's funny as I'm not shitty about it right that's fine we've been in Spokane yeah as I say we've just been sitting here telling our own personal story the whole time but it's about where you're from yeah I don't know who was the um because there's a couple different like managers and stuff like that, so I don't know specifically who that was, but that's, sorry, that was a weird

experience. I hope it was at least a fun show. Like, the crowd was fun. It wasn't weird because we learned about it. But like, yeah, he was, it was fine. It was nothing. But I'm curious about what is 20 minutes outside of Spokane? What is that? Like, are you a suburb at that point? Do you hang out in Spokane as a teenager? Because, Corey, lives close to Chattanooga in a small town, but like me and Trey, it's literally an hour to get to a movie. The sticks. That's Brutal. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, Spokane was definitely like an easy, you know, I mean, especially now that we live here in L.A., it's 20 minutes

to get anywhere. So growing up, that was, it's pretty quick. So yeah, you'd go into Spokane to, like, go shopping or go see a movie

or go to, like, an actual good restaurant. I don't know. Cheney still does not have any, like, good restaurants that drives me fucking crazy.

You just Applebee's and shit? No, not even Applebee's. There's no, like, it's just, like, weird knockoff, like,

Mexican restaurants that don't have good food and it makes me sad because it's where Eastern Washington University is. It's a college town. Like college kids will eat some shit. Like they will get drunk and eat a lot of food. Y'all got that red field, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's in Cheney. Yeah. The red field. Yeah, that's like five blocks behind my childhood home. So that's a Pacific Northwest area exclusive thing. You got Boise with the blue field and Cheney with the red field. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing. So what was it like growing up? Like, did you, did it feel hick, like, okay, obviously, you don't know when you're growing up in it, but, like, looking back on it now, like, from your perspective, was it, like, super hicky and, like, you know, po-dunkey, or did it just seem like suburby? Like, it was, it was definitely more, like, po-dunkey than suburbie, I guess. There's, like, still some, you know, like, just neighborhood-y normal areas, but I remember, uh, and it's ironic because I'm wearing, like, cowboy-ish shoes right now. But I remember there'd be like groups of guys

would walk through the hallway and they're full like big like the belt buckle with the cowboy boots. And I was more of the like, I don't know, kind of like honors student group or like athletes group and remembered thinking like, oh man, I feel like I have nothing in common with those people.

Like they're literally like on their break like milking cows out back and stuff. And so that was like it was like a real. A lot of farms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They weren't posing. No. Like actual farming town.

And Drew, tell me what you think about this. It's weird because people are from places like you're from. You hear it kind of similar thing. It's like those kids and those kids are like the farm kids because there's a rural area and that, you know, whatever. And there are farms and stuff. So those are the farm kids. We're like, well, we're from. That's kind of how everybody for the most of like dresses and acts and most of the people don't have a farm.

You know, like that's just like the whole culture is you're. farm kids, you know what I mean, or the predominant culture anyway. Yeah. Only like three people could afford a farm. Exactly. Dude, buddy, yeah.

You finally had a farm. I mean, you were loaded. It's going to well. Super duper loaded to frills us. Yeah. We've got the 10 year reunion this summer, my 10 year high school reunion. And it's like being held at the Cheeney rodeo.

Like it's so, it's very like a hick and kind of white trash. Are you going to go? I think I'm getting road. Roped into it by my best friend. Roped. I saw what you do. Hey, look at that. Pons coming at you.

You don't know me as well as you know them. Here's a little bit about myself. I had my 10-year reunion last year. Okay. Was not ever planning on going. We signed the book deal two weeks before. And I was like, I think I'll make an appearance. That's awesome.

Was it great? Oh, fuck yeah. I got hammered. We went to a baseball game. I shoved my ass. I got a hotel. I got late. It was awesome.

Great time. But I had no intention of going. Well, maybe I haven't seen them in a while. Right, right. Yeah, high school's a weird. And I, like, I had a good high school experience. It's just now with Facebook, there's not that many people that you feel like you need to really go spend time with when you can casually be like, yeah, I kind of know what that person's up to. Yeah.

But. Yeah, that's a, yeah, that's an interesting thing because, like, I know I was told, um, growing up, you know, by adults and stuff. They're like, look, you need to cherish these years because when you graduate, it's, it's. It's over. Right. Like, you're never going to seize people again. It's over forever. And, like, again, I'm from this super white trash.

Everybody's poor and, like, fucked up. Everybody's got fucking pillheads and their family and all this, like, dark shit. Yeah. And I feel like that, I feel like that's why this is. But the dudes that I went to high school with, like, that I was close with in high school are still my best friends on the planet to this day. Yeah, same here. But I didn't attribute that to Facebook or social media or nothing.

And I attributed that to like we had a very real bond that like me and my college buddies didn't have. Yeah. Because we went through some shit together. Totally. But I feel like that dynamic has changed for everybody, though, because of what you said. Because like Facebook and social media, there's like, there's a semblance of a connection with those people. They don't just disappear from your life when you leave. There's less of a buildup of like, oh, like, I wonder what that person looks like now.

It's like you can literally put that person's name in and see. What the fuck's going on in their life and not make a trip home for the reunion if you don't want to? But I think it'll be fun. I might get some material out of it. Isn't that so weird that we do a job where we're like, well, it might be shitty, but I could get like a two-minute bit out of it. Without doubt. Yeah, that's why I got engaged.

The whole reason. I think that's why I might have kids. So do you feel like you have material now? Well, what's funny is like that's so many comics and non-comics alike. like when uh caddy was pregnant or shortly after the boys were born they're like you're gonna have material for days now you know whatever and i don't really i think eventually like i might but i don't really do any of that right now yeah it's the opposite group but anyway um

shit i was what was i going to say oh uh so something prolific yeah no i was going to get super personal so uh you're your your parents in your family life. Yeah. Was it okay? It's a cliche question to ask a comedian because, you know, we're all supposed to be all fucked up and we're all a little bit fucked up in different ways. Totally.

Like, was it a happy childhood or was it a little, eh? It was, it was very happy up until I was like six. And then they were five good years. I squeezed the juice. walking, bumping in the shit, had no clue that they were monsters. Juice boxes for days. It was great. Best days in my life.

I learned English. Yeah. That shit went sound. So my dad, so my, my mom had me, and then she had my younger brother, like six years later. So we have six years between us. Oh, it's your brother's fault. Yeah, my brother fuck shut up. My dad.

An accident baby. Yeah, just a two of us. So when I was like five and a half or six, and my brother was six months old, my dad, my parents had been married for 10 years. My dad told my mom, like,

I met someone else. I'm leaving you for her. And like out of, like, all of a sudden, my whole, like, family,

you know, totally blown apart. So my dad married a woman with the same name as my mom, which was fucked up. Um, Just the first name? Just the first name?

That would be creepy. Well, yeah. Yeah. What's that lady married your dad? Yeah, same name. Such a weird situation. Well, you know, we all got a type. For some people, it's women named Nancy.

Good old Nancy coming up. So, yeah, and I, uh, basically I think that's, because people always ask when you, like, say that you're a comedian. They're like, so like, what's wrong with you? Right. What fucks you up? It sucks that there is something, but don't you think everyone can answer that question that way? Yeah. Like if any random person was a comedian or you just asked them, what fucked you up?

They would come up with them. Of course, everybody. Nobody's had a perfect way. If y'all seen, I know Corey has because I told him to watch it and he did. Have y'all seen Kevin Pollock's documentary, misery loves comedy? No. It's just conversations with comedians, but it's about that thing. And Penn Gillette, what he said, he was like, I mean, yeah, yes.

Yeah, a lot of us are fucked up. do you know other people? Do you know normal people? Everybody's fucked up, man. Oh, yeah. Like, get a group of accountants together, and a lot of them are going to be fucked up. That was one of the weirdest, like, existential crisis I ever put myself through,

which is something I do about every six months, Kelsey. Six months. Which is, like, when I realized how few really happy people I do. Yeah, man. Like, deeply happy. You know what I mean? Like, I'm pretty happy. I think I got my life going kind of the way I want to be, like,

deeply happy people. I was like, oh, I think I know too. Yeah, it's scary because like we're all doing what we love for a living and not everybody can say that. Most people can't say that. Most people play it safe and take like the, you know, consistent paycheck, the steady, stable job or whatever. We're just like love people and normal stuff. You know what I mean? You don't have to love work. Right. No, I have a lot of respect for that, by the way. The people that can do that. And that are happy. You know, if you've been like,

like, I got all the respect in the world for that for people that, like, don't need to fucking, you know, have their stars in the fucking sky or their eyes. Right. You know what I mean? Like,

that they can just, I used to wish I could be that until I started hitting them now. But anyway. Yeah. But, but yeah. So your dad left your family because you guys weren't good at their friend. Let's get back to your broken childhood.

Yes. Um, yeah. So, and they, my dad moved in with my stepmom. and they lived like 30 minutes from my mom's house. So I had to go, I would go back and forth, like, throughout the week.

And my stepmom was, like, this, like, very strict Catholic woman. And my mom is, like, the kind of, like, ultimate cool mom, like, just, like, nice, like, very easy to, you know, like, be raised by. So I think that especially fucked me up, like, going back and forth between those two households. Right. And also seeing, like, this will get a little deep, but, like, seeing your mom so hurt. hurt, like, all your instincts are like, I want to, you know, who did this to you? I want to, like, hurt that person. And you find out it's your dad. And so it's like trying to deal with those,

like, those conflicting feelings growing up. And like, everything's good now. I'm so lucky that I've always felt like unconditional love from both of my parents no matter what. So like, despite all that bad shit happening, I've always felt like very loved and I love them both. But like, that took, I mean, like, that were some, those are some rocket years. Was it in a messy custody situation or did that at least kind of go okay? Yeah, I mean, like, I guess it was worked out in a reasonably okay way. But I remember in like the summers I would have to be with my dad for two weeks on these like kind of family vacations and I hated it. Like I hated being away from my mom and like my brother was so young.

Do you hate your brother for making your dad leave your family? Every day. I look at him. What the fuck is wrong with you, asshole? How's he doing? Engineer or is a drug? Yeah, he's, no, he's like this. One of the other.

One of the others. No, it could be both. Yeah. I know one of them. I know a few of them. By the way, I can swear on this, right? I just realized I've been like, I've been a Disney Channel podcast. My usual.

Say whatever the fuck you won't. Pirate mouth. Anyway, yeah, no, he's like, he's 22. He's getting his MBA. He's like, like, wants to be a financial advisor. He's the most like. You've got so many reasons I hate your brother. Yeah.

I know. I'm being like, like, court just. over here. He's killing it. No, but I need a guy, though. Yeah, I know, right? I'm like, I actually, I need you to do that because I need your help. But, yeah. So, I was going to ask you said, like, you know, when you see your mom hurt like that or whatever, do you feel like, and this could be a different, you know, women are far more well emotionally tuned in, obviously, than guys are. But, like, I don't think that's obvious at all, T, T, T, T, I wish you wouldn't make such general statements. I feel like that's a compliment, but okay.

Yeah. especially to your life partner. I mean, that's so insensitive. Thank you, Kelsey, for signing with me. I like her. Like, I was raised almost entirely by a single father, right? Okay. And I don't, like, my mom did a lot of pretty fucked up shit.

Yeah. I don't know that my dad didn't necessarily, but I'm just saying, I don't, I never, like, I'll tell you point blank, I was never even remotely aware of any of that. Like, to the point where, like I had to realize later like when I was older and I felt like I could comprehend what had gone on. I was like, oh, that's why I was so fucked up at that time. Like when it was happening, I had no idea.

I had no concept of what was going on or how to feel about it or whatever, like even a little bit. So to hear you say that like even as a kid, you're like sitting there like empathizing. I was a fucking fat sociopath. clearly, but like empathizing with your mom and stuff. I just, that's wild to me that you were like tuned into that level at that age because I was seven when my parents split up. Okay, yeah.

So similarly, and like, again, I could think back on it and I knew nothing. I knew nothing about what was going on at all. Dociopath. Like Doe. God damn, I thought that hit first. God, you sat on that for that long for that. I didn't want to interrupt. If Tray to sat on it, it would have died.

Pulling that one out of the ditch. Do you feel like, Trey, your dad was heartbroken over your mom? Because I've never heard you go that route. Or was it like the day split up when you were so young and didn't, you know, he was over it by the time you became a sentient being? Well, the point I was just making is the latter. But I think, like as far as was he heartbroken, I'm saying, sincerely. when she said that, I was like, damn, my dad must have been, you would assume would be at least a little heartbroken over the shit that was happening at that time. That's what made me think that was because I had never, I had never thought that.

Right. I never remember feeling like, my dad's really going through some shit, you know, or whatever, like, because I was just that dull. Or whatever, I guess, like, I just didn't pick up on it. That's why I asked her the question or brought it up because that's interesting to me. Did your mom talk to you about being heard or could you just see it? Yes. My dad, we're very much so the stereotypical bottle that shit up, son. So that's probably got a lot.

That's probably a lot of it. Yeah. I mean, I remember her talking about it. I remember her crying. I remember one time this is like some fucking like what are those shows, not the housewife shows. It was like bad girls of very. Vegas or something like that, like, where it's just a lot of, like, catty. She, I remember one time my mom came to pick my brother and I up from my dad's at my

stepmom's place, and my stepmom did a bold move of carrying my baby brother out to my mom, which is like... And I remember my mom very calmly, like, took my brother from her and put him in the car seat and just started, like, wailing on my stepmom. She beat her ass. What? Oh, shit. Damn.

I like your mom. That's not where I thought that was going. No. Yeah, I don't remember how, like, I don't think it lasted very long, or if it was mostly, like, open palm slapping or if it was hitting. But I remember, I do remember that, like, a little glimpse of that. I will say, as I've gotten older, I still don't condone what my dad and stepmom did. You condone what your mom did to your stepmom?

Shit, I probably would. I'd probably go Beyonce on her house, if that happened to me. When you were telling that story. Oh, yeah, Solange. Right. When you were telling that story, I was sitting here getting mad as fuck vicariously. Right. Like, on your mom's behalf, because I was just like, man, if, if Katie left me for some dude and that motherfucker dared to walk, like, and then so when you said she just started fucking beating her ass, wow, I love it.

Well, I can't even imagine. So I condone the shit out of it. Yeah. Like, I can't imagine to have children. and then the woman who you must despise more than anything is now, like, legally allowed to be part of raising your children and, like, molding them. No, fuck that. Oh, that's just, like, my mom, my mom is a very strong woman. I've always just, like, I can't, I can't imagine that pain and just how hard that almost have been.

But now, so my boyfriend, I've been together for five years, and we've been through a lot of shit together. and the older I get and the more I talk to my parents and like more aspects of the divorce, the more you realize, like you see a more full picture of like, you know, my mom. My mom's told me many times, like, be careful about like nagging cane too hard with like money shit, you know, like, because I'm like my mom in a lot of ways and I'll like stress out about stuff and she's like, you know, I really like, I was like pretty hard on your dad. Like I really wanted him to like go back and get like a better degree or something like that and she's like, I look back now and I see ways that maybe I pushed him away from me.

So it's still like doesn't condone what my dad did, but it's like, it's just interesting to see a more full circle picture of like how my dad was feeling, how my mom was feeling, what led up to what was like a bad decision, but it happened. So maybe this is really naive, but I always hear people say stuff like that. And I've always just kind of thought, maybe that's neither. or, I don't fault such a weird thing. But like, maybe your mom was supposed to be with someone more ambitious and maybe your dad should have been with someone who had less, like, grandiose ideas

of how life should be, you know what I mean? Like, maybe, like, did she push him away? Did he cheat on her with a whore who happened to be Catholic? I mean, yeah, those things are true. Oh, God, I hope my son does not hear this. For the record, for the record, my son-mom and I are on good terms now. But we did have a rough match. The Catholic whore.

Yeah, I was commenting on the rough patch. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go back in time. I was okay. I mean, I had like a break. I broke when I was 16 and I finally had a car and I could like drive away from that house if I wanted to. And I like did break down and like say all of that to her face. Like you're a hypocrite.

Like you're a Catholic and you like broke like one of the biggest vows that you take. And like anyway. And I made her cry and it was a whole big thing. Oh, I bet that felt great. Oh, it was the best. It was like the most therapeutic thing. And then you went straight to an open mic. Yeah.

Yeah. I was actually about to say, so, like, then what happened? Like, in terms of comedy, like, at that time, where was your, did you go to college? Were you wanting to do, like, you know, how did all that play out for you with comedy? How did you find your way to the fucking microphone? I was in college. I was, like, halfway through. I was 20, and there was, like, an open mic night at the cafeteria.

Tiri. It was like the fucking worst. Would you go to college? I did my freshman year at Willamette University, which is this like private school in Oregon and it was just like not liberal arts. I thought that was Willamette this whole time. Oh, Willamette. Willamette.

Yeah. I've always thought that was Willamette. Willamette? Wellamette. Yeah, like the one lambert. That's the way we would pronounce some shit. Well, I feel like that's wrong. Like we like, no.

Actually, no. It's the opposite. Yeah. There's a place right by my hometown and yours called Lafayette, but it's pronounced Lafayette. Oh, okay. I got you. Lafayette's wrong. Yeah.

Well, I mean, to most people, it's Lafayette. Salina is Salina to most people. Yeah. Sunbrite's just Sunbrite to everybody. Can't fuck that up. Can't fuck that up, babe. That's right. Bill.

Sunbrite. It hits. Yeah. So you went to Willemitt, which is how far away from Cheney. Cheeney. That's another one. People say Chaney. It's Cheney.

um that is like a it's like a janey huh sorry it's spelled like dick is it spelled like dick yeah chene anyway like go ahead smell like dick I was like what

what now uh it's like a seven hour drive from cheney okay that's a good little distance away from where you grew up yeah and it ended up not being it wasn't like a real college experience it just felt like I went to

another high school is really small and I kind of I think I was ready for like to basically be drunk for three years. No doubt. Just destroy my liver. So you went to Washington State University. There it is.

Yeah. The coogs. The cooos. They're like, they fucking party there. Oh my God. I got a reputation for it. Yeah.

Well, because it's another. You went from one pole to the other. Oh, yeah. I get confused. Literally, I was stripping. No, I'm kidding.

But no, because Pullman is like another Cheney. Like, it's in the middle of the wheat fields. There's no other big city for like an hour or two. And, uh, yeah,

it's, there's nothing to do but like drink and fuck like that's all that you just got drunk and made out with people so that sounds like a good time it was a good time i mean i feel like that's something you should do at that age you should go do that as much as you can yeah religion had me fucked up at me up at that age oh really i'm sorry like looking back on it's like man i didn't drink and fuck enough yeah i'm sorry it's too bad oh it's fine you know okay what you made up for college that like college was definitely that period of my life too like somebody people where I'm from, like, they

reminisce on high school as being just the greatest years of your life or the life or the issue, whatever. And I'm just like, man, that's because y'all's asses didn't go to college. Yeah. College is infinitely better. College is great. And that's where I, you know, I did all that

stereotypical, you know, college shit, just getting drunk and, you know, fucking, like you said. And I, and it was awesome. Yeah. I loved it. and I got it sort of out of my system. Go ahead, Corey. Well, I would, no, I was going to go in a different direction.

I was going to, unless you've said this and I'm an idiot, what did you, what did you major in when you were there? So, um, that actually gets into how I got into comedy. I started, yeah, perfect. Good job, Corey. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm a bad boy, I started school as a math major. I was a math major for my first two years because I thought I wanted to do.

I know. I'm a gross, a gross smelly nerd. You know, it's so funny, just a side note, I've actually been wearing men's deodorant for the last two weeks. We wear women. We wear women. We wear women. I'm wearing a secret. This is so funny.

My girlfriend wears men's and I wear women's. This is so funny. Okay, so I have to say it. So I have a web series that I had try on. It's called Standups Doing Makeup. I had Mark Norman on a few days ago. The episode will go up soon. Yeah, Mark.

Yeah. It should be. Do you some makeup. Yeah. Have me good time. The episode will be up before. I think this one comes out. Anyway, I was telling him that, and he said the same thing.

He's like, I actually, I wear women's deodorant. I wear secret, and he lifted his armpit up. And it's the first time I've seen like a hairy man armpit with the white powdery trunks. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah. This is amazing. But it makes sense for you guys too. It's okay, I think, because women's deodorant, if it says antiperspirant, it has aluminum in it, which leads to breast cancer.

So that's why women are not supposed to be wearing shit that has... I knew literally none of that. Yeah. Mine was all like, it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman. I was like, who gets a shit? I'll all be the one to test this shit. I did know that because that is always the reasoning given to me as to why my wife never wears deodorant. Does she not wear deodorant?

I am married to a hippie, but that's kind of a joke. She does wear deodorant. But she wears that Tom shit, so it barely works. See, I try that. I am a real nerd. Like, I will smell so bad if I don't have like an actual like some. form of real deodorant. Yeah, we always said that his wife would just go to a tree and just use the bark.

That's her style. The first time I stayed with, the first time I went to New York period, I stayed with Drew for like a whole week. So thank you for that, Drew. I was showering there and shit. And I was in, I was in, him and his wife's bathroom. And I was just in there, it's like, where are the smell goods? Where is the soap, the shampoo, everything? Like, this is all just, what is this?

This is, this is. this is bark oh my god we have sandalwood soap it smells phenomenal yeah and we don't have shampoo because we don't use it but neither

oh my god I've since been converted at the time though I was like these fucking dirty hippies these goddamn dirty hippies like me stay in their New York house let me do their drugs

let me eat their organic range free eggs my best friend on planet Earth a redneck raised by hippies, so I've had an affinity for hippies for a very long time. Nice. Anyway, you went to Washington State. You majored in math. Yeah, I thought I wanted to be a high school.

Pullman is where you started stand up. Yeah, I thought I wanted to be a high school math teacher, and thank God I didn't, because that sounds like a death sentence now. That sounds just so deeply horrible to me. But, yeah, I kind of had, I was in, like, calculus three, and my professor didn't speak any English and he was like teaching it to us in broken English slash Russian. This is in college. Yeah.

Yeah, but math supposed to be the universal language though. And if you're in calculus three, I'm just saying, I'm saying, you know, fucking get with it. Like I should have. Yeah. I should have been. One of my high school math teachers wasn't licensed to teach math. So like, he couldn't do math. Oh, my God.

He was bad at math. Those who can't teach. We can tell a few of those stories of our high school. goals. Oh, my God. But anyway, go ahead. Well, but I guess he's like, well, he's got a PhD or something. Right.

Where it's like they don't, when you're a professor, they don't necessarily make you take teaching courses. Right. They just need you to have the absolute, yeah, highest knowledge in that subject. So he had that, but he could not effectively teach it. So I was, like, having a really hard time with it. And I just, I pulled a 180 and I switched to like a broadcast production major, where it's like doing video editing and all that stuff.

And then I started to do. Leaving a science. background to go to something easy in the arts. In the arts, yes, my. A tale as old as time. Yes. What do you want to be when you grow up? Not mass.

Just anything, not mass, please. But yeah, so I started doing, like, the college, I was, like, going to, like, the college improv stuff and started doing the open mic. And then I realized there was no comedy show at the, it was just this, like, this monthly open mic in a cafeteria. So I started a weekly comedy show at, like, the main bar there. Cool. which turned into like a really cool fun thing.

No shit. Yeah. And that was... The godfather of Pullman comedy. Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't know that. I didn't know we had the godfather of Washington State comedy scene here.

Kelsey Cook, everybody. I know. That's really... My biggest credit. That's what I come on stage to. Yeah. We had... I went to Tennessee Tech University, which I really had a great time.

It's like... It's like... It's like... fucking 15,000 or something. So it's, you know, like, not a time. It's not Willamette. Right. But it's not UT, University of Tennessee either.

Yeah. And I really enjoyed my time there. And it's in a place like Pullman, middle of nowhere. But we had, there was nothing. Right. I mean, literally nothing in terms of comedy. And so I knew I wanted to do comedy, but I was just like trying to get through college. And then I was like, and I'll start comedy when I get done. And that's what I did.

But I, hats off to you for just fucking making it a thing. Because it never, it never once occurred to me like, well, shit, I'll just, I'll make a show. You know, I was too drunk for all that shit. So, good for you. And it, and it worked. Like, where did you get the, where'd you get the comics from? Like, where'd you get the other comics from that would be on the show? Well, there were a couple people who I saw at the cafeteria open mic that were like decent. I was like, okay, you know, they would probably be interested in like trying this out in front of an actual crowd. And then the improv troupe people, they also were trying to like write stand up. So it started. I mean, it was like a lot of overlap of comics. And I went up every week. And so I had a new, like I would host it every week. So I had to do a new 10 minutes every week. Because it was the same crowd of people. And that made me. get better faster in that first like year a time because I just was like writing writing writing and if even one thing from that 10 minutes stuck like if one bit stuck I was like okay I can pull that out and keep working on that or whatever so yeah so okay what what what year of

college room when you when you when all this was happening um my senior year okay so this was right before you were about to leave anyway yeah so you did that for a while it worked out was going good Yeah. And then you graduated. Yeah. And then what did, when you graduated, were you like, all right, fucking comedy all the way. I'm diving into it. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what you did? I thought that. I moved before my senior year, I had an internship in L.A. And so I was here doing like bringer shows and like. A show biz internship? Yeah. It was like video editing.

Right. So, but it was mostly like I got, I got a scholarship where it paid for me to live in L.A. for a summer. Right. So it was like the dream. like I thought that this was like what LA was was just like oh cool like I won this scholarship and now I get to just like basically do comedy shows at night and it was so cool and then you realize I've been a few shows here where I think that is what happened here yeah yeah and then you move here like after college and you have to get like an actual 40 hour a week job and

you're exhausted and you realize like when you're first starting out it's you're you suck so like you're only doing like a shitty bringer shows and it was tough. So you moved down here full time when you were like, I don't know, 18 months in? Yeah. I was here for a summer after I'd been doing comedy for like four months. And then I did like a year of that show in Pullman. And then I moved back down for four months.

And then at the time I had friends in Seattle who were like getting a bunch of stage time. And they were like, you should come up here. There's a ton of shows. You'll get paid. You'll get more stage time. And so I went up there. And I was there for like four years before I moved back down here to L.A. Okay.

How was the Seattle scene? Amazing. Did you guys perform? Did you guys do parlor in Bellevue? How was it? Is that what we did, parlor? The parlor in Bellevue. It is.

It doesn't sound familiar to me either. The Barlowew sounds familiar. It's called Parlor Live. Yeah, in Bellevue. It's just. In that nice mall. You're right. Yeah, in that nice mall.

Shit, I feel like an asshole now because I loved those people. I was going to ask how it went because there's just. It went fucking great. Yay. On that balcony. Yeah. The balcony was hot, guys. The man, listening.

No one did, yes. Don't say his name. I've been talking about drugs now. I don't remember his name. But he was awesome. And yeah, he was all about getting high and fucking white women. He was big black dude. Sorry, because, no, anyway.

I didn't know who it is. So, yeah, you're fine. You probably do. But anyway, it was, uh, no, we did two shows. They were both sold out. They were red hot. It was fucking. That's amazing.

Very, very good. Yay. That's great. I love Seattle. I've been to Seattle one time before that for like a week, like five years ago, and I'd liked just being there. Yeah. And then our experience was there.

There was great, too. So, I mean, I love the Pacific Northwest, actually. Me too. Yeah. So that's where that club is sort of like the first big club that you got started getting going at. Yeah, the comedy underground in Seattle and then the parlor in Bellevue and Tacoma Comedy Club. So they have, they actually have quite a few.

good clubs in that area to get on stage and it was it was the best it was really hard to leave actually it was hard to like ever take that leap to come back down here because I had gotten like my boyfriend and I were really comfortable up there and it was you know it's a great scene but you also do feel like okay I want to go to another level even if that means like kind of struggling again for a little bit that's one thing that I'm thankful about about Knoxville like when I left it was definitely like time for me to leave. There was no, I was comfortable,

but I wasn't happy. Like, I could see how it'd be harder to leave a place like Seattle or Austin or some of those other cities what's like going on. Well, hell,

Atlanta's such a good city for coming out. I mean, people are getting shit out of it, maybe anyway. Yeah. No, you're right. Atlanta's kind of like,

it was easy for me to leave Knoxville's all. Gosh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, Seattle is the place, just a specific Northwest in general that you hope to like just,

live in because it's such a nice place to live. Like it's beautiful and people are nice. And yeah, it's a great place. So then you moved to L.A. Tell us about Jim. Jim Norton. Good old Jim Norton. Yeah.

So he, and I've told this before on a couple podcasts, but like he tweeted basically that he was going to come to L.A. to do some podcasts to promote his newest special. I had never met him at that point How long had you been here? Four months. Okay. All right.

Yeah. Really like just four months. And I didn't even see the tweet, but what had happened were people who listened to cooked, which is my podcast, started to tweet at me, like, I'll try and get Jim Norton on, try and get him on. And at first I was like, ah, I just, I don't even want to. Because you know how you can look at a tweet and you can see all the replies. There were like 400,000. So many, so many communities.

comedians just like everybody just like suckling at the power to like comedians, actors, people who live in cars, everyone has a fucking podcast. Right. Yes, exactly. And so I was like, oh, like I don't. That'd be a good podcast. I live in my car. And then you do a podcast in their living room, which is the back seat.

There you go. It could be a real thing. The Dave Stone podcast. Oh, yeah. I love Dave. And so I was not going to even reach out. and then somebody was like, hey, this is his email address. It's like on his Twitter.

I've emailed him as a fan before. You should just like, you should email him. And I find it's like, okay, okay, fine. I've got like literally nothing to lose. I'm at a day job. I hate. I just, you know, I was like, okay, fine. So I emailed him and then like an hour later, there's an email back in my inbox.

Like, hey, St. Norton, I'd love to do your podcast. And I was like, this has to be spam. Like this, like, because he was like, you can come. Can we, like, record in my hotel. tell at this time and I showed Kane I was like like if I go my head's going to get chopped off right like this is spam like this is like some sort of like you know sex slavery or something that's hacked Jim Norton's account or something and and I was like oh my god it's him he go go do it and I did and it was great and then I got he and I talked about you know I was like if you ever need

an opener I'd love to work with you and he gave me one weekend and that went really well and then out here or on the road in new york and then um then after that his manager sent me like basically a bunch more dates and i remember just like fucking crying like happy tears like i was sitting at the computer of the day job i hated and just seeing like all of these amazing venues that these opportunities to go on the road and i just was like oh my god like this is it's just what you're waiting for you're just like dreaming of did you just like why out and flip off a lady. I did do kind of a boss move.

I think it was like two weeks after that I quit because my boss was like the fucking worst. He was like the male version of Meryl Streep and Devil Wars Prada, just like this like OCD, like crazy devilman. And he had banned chocolate from the office. Like I was in charge of ordering like snacks for the office. And there's this like little snack drawer that it was. like the one thing that people like loved about that place like people fucking needed that snack

drawer to get through the day and he told me like like do not order anymore chocolate like you're all too fat yeah yeah because he had these weird like control issues and so he was like I don't I don't want it around people don't need this junk anyway like was like really just like a girl a girl went to Hawaii and brought home like are brought back to the office this like giant box of like chocolate cover macadamia that's which are fucking expensive. He walked into the kitchen through the whole thing of the trash.

Oh my God. I'd have whipped his ass. That. Yeah. Bitch. Yeah. An evil. Motherfucker.

Evil man. Like people brought in donuts one morning for breakfast. He just, no, unfortunately. That sucks. Like, just the worst.

And so... Could your mom beat his ass? I wish you would have. That would have been such a beautiful full circle moment to watch my mom beat my boss's ass. But anyway, he, so I knew the week that I was quitting that he was going to be gone.

on my last day. And so on my last day, I used the company card to order, like, bags and bags of chocolate and licorice. That is fun. So much shit. I stocked them up for, like, five months. And I just, like, poured it all, like, just brimming full in this giant snack drawer. And then I put a sticky note on the outside of life is short, eat chocolate.

And it was like, boom, mic drop. What a fucking gee. I have such a petty crush on your daughter. That's awesome. Thank you. Yeah. I had legit like co-workers coming up to me with tears in their eyes like, we really appreciate it.

You're the cool hand look of whatever. Wherever you work. Yeah. You can say it. Litigation consulting firm in Beverly Hills. They were lawyers. Oh, yeah. That feels crunchy in my belly.

He was eating that up like a snack. I did DAC review and the day we all quit. It was the only company I liked that I was working for. I worked for five. I hated one and disliked three and then liked another one. And so I was just like, hey. Damn, you gave like hugs. You wanted to like set the place on fire.

And my boss and me there was like, that's fucking amazing, dude. He was like, dance. He's like, I'm going to come to your show. And I was like literally any other place. They would hate me right now because I got out. Right. Right. Damn. Yeah.

I'm kind of jealous. Yeah. I'm upset. I didn't get to do something like that. Yeah. How long ago was that when you started going on the road with Jim? that was almost two years ago. Are you still now?

So, you know. He had a big theater tour and that wrapped up in December. And right now he's not really on the road. He hasn't been since December. He'll be in Europe for like a week doing shows there. But yeah, it's, I mean, kind of like an in-between position right now because I have enough TV credits to headline smaller places, but not enough to do the bigger, like I'm not enough of.

a draw to do a bigger club. So instead I have to feature still there. But like people don't really want to book out of town features and like deal with like hotel and all that shit. So it's been kind of hard the last few months to keep myself booked on the road. I got so spoiled with Jim because it's just this like incredible. Don't you say yeah. She's talking to me and Corey.

You don't know what the fuck she's talking about. I'm just trying to empathize. We get it. You get it. We know what you're saying. Thanks. That motherfucker. use my goddamn good soap that's just expensive man

you know what it is to make soap smell like bark it's hard man it's easy to make it smell like a chemical anyway you were saying brother in arms sister in arms fucking it's so funny yeah it's tough so I'm kind of in this like in between time of trying to keep myself booked

and just hustling going back to New York as frequently as I can. And yeah, it's, it's kind of tough. But shit'll happen. Do you, how do you feel about the decision to go into comedy right now? Like, are you, like, you still, I wouldn't trade it for anything or there. And everybody has times. Right.

Obviously, where you're like, what the day? What the fuck is this? Oh, yeah. I thought you meant times where you're just like on cloud fucking nine. Yeah. But I would say, just like generally speaking. I mean, I guess when you think about the fucking chocolate Damon or whatever, you're like, this is still better.

Yeah. I wonder what happened to that guy. She's hard. He's still. No, I mean, in life, to make him that way. Oh, right. I bet his mom never beat his stepmom's ass and he stayed with him. I know.

And, you know, I'm like, I'm a very compassionate person. I try to look at people like him and be like, oh, like, I feel sad for you because you live, like, a sad life that you feel like you have to control. everybody and surely something happened to you to make you like this. He was ripe with chocolate, I believe is what happened. He had a snickers bar of his asshole and that is why he hates it so much. I don't know. He's just, he's a bad man. But, um, you know, in this last, just this last winter, I had pretty much every, like, bad travel thing happened that could happen in terms of, like, flights being canceled. I was stuck overnight in the Salt Lake City Airport for 13 hours. Like, just like missed three different flights due to like not making like a plane not making a connection

anyway in still in all of those times like lying on the fucking cement floor of salt lake city airport at four in the morning i was like i'd still rather be here than a day job i hate so well that's awesome yeah and i think that that's a fair question because it's it always leads to interesting answers, but I feel like most of us don't have a choice. What else would I be doing? I, you know, like, I had the closest to my dream.

I was a public defender. What do you mean? You were not that person. You'd still be doing dockerb. And I would be hating it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, but. I feel like the way you said that,

made it sound like, like you're all legal doctor. Like you're him. Like you're Corey as far as like, this is literally all I got, man. That's not all he's got, though. That's his out. Okay.

I just, walked in, full disclosure, I just walked in from paying, but I know all I heard you say was this is all he's got, and I pray that you're just talking about stand-up comedy. Word, I'm fine with that. That's okay. That could have gone several ways. Drew said, no, it's not all you got, that that's just

you're out. It's funny, we insulted you in two different ways. Yeah, but he made it hit for me. Tag team, why? Because he's insinuating that I could do other things. I am genuinely floored that you took that the way that you did. But I'm glad, though. He thinks you

could have potentially taken it as like me just saying, yeah, but Corey just likes having excuses, which there was a little bit of that in there. Right. I don't feel bad about that. Right. I know my man's.

Anyway, like, yes, I thought it was another rich, white privilege kid joke is what I thought. Oh, no. He's like,

oh, he's fine. Well, fuck him. He don't need this shit. He just says he does. That's what I thought. Oh, no. He needs comedy to be alive.

I know. Anyway, sorry, Chelsea. I just mean he didn't have to pay cups to go out of life. I know. You three brothers.

What I'm saying is, like, yes, I could be a lawyer, but I would still be pursuing this if I was, even if I was doing that, like, that's not going to go away or whatever. That's what, dude, that's what I referenced it earlier in me and you used to talk about, like, that's why I used to, for real, I used to envy people who didn't have that, and I used to wish so hard that I didn't have that what you just. said that like no matter what I do I'm gonna want to be doing this instead I used to wish so hard that I didn't have that inside me that I could just be like just like happy with this day job that has like consistent pay and stable schedule and like a pleasant life and whatever else and yeah security and predictability and consistency and shit yeah there's nothing wrong with any of that shit and I just never I just never had that

I was always miserable in that scenario but I'm saying I always hated the fact that I was that way again it worked out so it's cool and I don't I don't mean this in a terrible way it's just true my fiance has no ambition at all

she still say it she's listening this right now she'd be like fuck yeah not don't she just I mean she wants to live a good life and shit like that you know as far as passions right now it's what's that new show 13 ways

that's her that's her thing she don't care she likes going home having a glass of wine watching a TV show and I fucking hate like I envy the shit

out of that I'm like you're thrilled just to have a you know a night off is amazing for her she's like yeah this is whatever

I'm just gonna binge watch gossip girl for the ninth time and she's not sad about it yeah this is great and I'm like oh I would kill

for that shit I know do you think you said you're laying there on the concrete to the in Salt Lake City at 4 in the morning you're like I'd still rather be here than that shitty day job and that's one thing.

Yeah. But you can take all that a step farther. Do you think you'll have the whole I'm never satisfied? You know what I mean? Yeah. What I'm saying is, are you going to be just, are you going to be satisfied with just making your living as a comedian

or is it going to be like even though you're doing what you want to do, there's still the aspect of like this ain't, this ain't enough like or this isn't what I feel like I'm I have the potential to do right not fully fulfilling yeah and because I worry about that sometimes like look happiness is just beyond my fucking grasp right right no matter what it is I'm gonna find a way to be like no do you guys have depression and anxiety like do you like struggle with that shit yes okay because I'm actually for the first time I'm like considering medication for anxiety which I've like avoided for a long time because like the side effects are always like well you'll probably gain 30 pounds and like have no sex drive and blah blah blah and it's like well that all sounds really depressing too. Well it's funny because I don't have anxiety but I am depressed and you just describe me in the last part there. You're saying you'll gain 30 pounds when much of a sex drive and I was like okay so Monday you know like my whole or fuck April. Right. That is a good way to differentiate between the depressed and the anxious.

It's like my most anxious, I was skinny as hell and wanted to fuck all the time, but I also couldn't sleep. I thought everyone was out to get me and I was convinced. I was the worst person in the world and was ruining everyone's life. Whereas I'm depressed, or my thing has been depression, and I just like am fat. I'm a fat slug that lays around all the time and doesn't want to do anything. It's not, but I've never really had anxiety really. the only time they're at anxiety is where Xanax's and then I take them all at once

and black out for fucking four hour or shit 14 hours and then after that my brain overcompensates for that yeah you know what I mean because that's meant to take down your get drunk no what I'm saying

I mean yes you're sharing a shit low not used to that I was like wait a minute something's all oh Trey been drinking what do you mean I felt like thought we had talked about this. You fucking don't know shit.

My head, my brain goes, my brain overcompensates for the anti-anxiety shit that I gave myself that I didn't know. You're making sense. And then, and so, but that's the only time I ever get anxiety. Like outside, that's happened twice in my life

and outside of that. And those two times, I was fucking petrified. Like, I thought I was going to die. It's the worst. I, dude, I can't imagine if I had that all day, every day for like, I don't know. I don't know how people fucking live that way.

That's my life. That's my life. Yeah. That's like, seriously? I have really, really bad anxiety. And I always have, but this career has like really exacerbated it. Yeah. Like, especially in the last four months with the tour with gym ending, because at least with the tour, I could look at a schedule and be like, this is where I'm going to be then. This is the amount of money I'm going to be making and like have an idea of what's going on.

Now it's just like, I wake up and I'm like, okay. Well, I hope that like something happens today. Or, you know, like you feel like I email bookers every day. I feel like I always do my part of the control that I have. I, you know, I put out comedy material. I, you know, make videos. I contact bookers. I do everything I can do.

It's really disgusting how hard you work, actually. Oh. You should stop. I'm kidding. It is gross. It is gross. But then it's... Nerd.

I know. I don't know. I didn't mean it like that. I meant it like, it embarrasses. is me because I don't, but I see how it sounded like I was going like the 80s movie pulling. I know what you movie pulling. I just wanted to call her a nerd. Yeah, it's and it's tough though because you can do all that and then there's still this element that's you can't control it. You can't control if a booker's going to email you back. If they do, you can't control necessarily if they're going to like pay you a fair

amount and if you really want to take that work. And it's like there's just so much like it's just so unstable. This career is so unpredictable and stable. So I, when you're talking about like, do you think you'll get to a point where you feel happy? I would be happy if I could look at my calendar and be like a touring headliner that I know like I've got this work set up for the year and feel like financially

secure. A lot of what people a lot of like whenever I'm, I have that I suffer from anxiety as well. Yeah. I, uh, when I talk to a lot of people about it, they're like, well, you know, the best thing for you, you get to just, if you just get on a regular sleep schedule and you and they give me all these things that and i'm sitting there going i'm not saying oh i can't do that i'm telling you that's physically impossible for me as a comedian oh yeah will not i can't there's no if you just get in a routine there's no routine sometimes our shows over at one and we have to get

back to the hotel and you're jacked up and then we have to and then every now and then we'll have to get do radio in three hours yeah there's never there's never routine so for somebody that has anxiety this ain't the best thing no not at all and i i i feel like i'm very typing in most ways. Like I'm like structured use type A too. Okay. Like the math brain shit like controlled and logical and stuff. Super logical.

Yeah. So sometimes in this business it doesn't work well with that, you know? So I struggle with that a lot. Like I wake up and feel like I have, I already haven't done enough and I go to bed feeling like I haven't done enough. Does that make sense? For sure. Yeah.

It was worse when I was smoking weed a lot. A lot of people would say, oh, you're anxious. smoke weed. And it helped for about three months. Okay. And then something happened in my brain where I guess my brain figured out what Maramano was and was like, oh, here's a tool we can make Drew hate himself more. Oh, God.

And there we went with that. Oh, God. I'm curious and I'm not at all trying to diagnose you. Yeah. I'm just curious because I like to compare notes and talk. Sleep. Do you sleep well? Hold on.

Yeah. Before y'all get into this. Y'all do it. Let it roll. Let it ride. I've got to step out for a minute. I love everybody. Thank you, Kelsey.

Thanks, Tray. And I'll still be hanging around, but y'all take over. Okay. Okay. Trey got kids should have to do, I think. Yeah. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Tray's going to be on CNN. CNN in an hour.

Have fun, buddy. You're stupid. So cool. Hopefully they don't hear this. Yeah, right. Fuck it. Yeah. God damn publicity for my book.

The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark, by the way, is what I was referring to. Anyways, Kelsey. I love it. I love it. It's an imprint of Simon and Schuster. And it is currently, I think, number one in religious humor on Amazon, where it has stayed for a couple months now. We must be the only religious humor. Only one.

That's amazing. Do you sleep? I usually have trouble falling asleep, but once I sleep, I'm like, you can't get me up in the log. So that's my wife, my wife, that's her, and that's a lot of her anxiety and she can't get to sleep. Okay. I can go right to sleep, but then I often will. wake up really early. Like, I'll wake myself up from a dream where I'm gritting the shit out of my teeth.

Or if something wakes me up, I cannot go back to sleep. And then for me, my anxiety is so much worse if I don't get sleep. Me too. That's awful. Comedy. Not good for it. Yeah. The tour of a gym was very, very similar. It was like always like the first flight out, like, you know, going to bed at 1 a.m.

Like, he's like from a show waking up at 4 a.m. to get to the airport. Like, just running on fumes a lot. and that only pushes your, you know, anxiety to the edge. And you feel out of control or I do. And then that type A stuff comes in there where you're like, you're tired and you're not in the best shape or whatever and you've got to go do a show. And it's like, you know, it's not optimal conditions. God, I wanted it to be optimal conditions.

Oh, my God. That's a gap. That's exactly in my bedroom. Because this year's been so busy for us. But it's also been like a big year for me personally. And, you know, I've got engaged. My sister's having a baby. There's a lot of cool things happening.

Yeah. You grew a beard finally. I do. Yeah. Facial hair. So I want to be home as, when I can be home, I want to be home. Right. So I have taken a bunch of red eyes to do so.

Like, we'll do a show. I'll drop it on it. And I found that even though, yes, I do get home sooner, I may, I'm not who I should be when I get. You know what I mean? So it's like, you know, I should have just stayed at the hotel, gone in tomorrow. I wouldn't have seen him for 12 more hours, but I'd be a better person when I did. Yes. I'm coming in there just, sure, let me.

I'd love to help you move into your house sister that I love, but oh my God, I'm about to be the devil. Oh my God. Yeah. I just last week took a red eye to New York. And every time I do it, I'm like, why the fuck did I do this again? Like you feel insane. Yeah. And again, with anxiety, it's just, it just fucking puts it.

Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. It just doubles off on each other. I'm great at napping if I have the opportunity to do so. You are not. That's the only thing. Well, I can go to sleep.

I'm not. If I get woken up, you know. And I'm the opposite. Usually when I go to sleep, I'll sleep through a tornado, but it won't be until like 5 o'clock in the morning. Do you drink or smoke weed? So I drink occasionally, not that frequently. It's mostly like in a social setting. Do you feel like it has an effect on the anxiety?

And as a comedian, when are you not in a social setting? That's the fucked up thing. A lot of times I don't, Tray doesn't drink when we're not on the road. And when I'm at home, I don't near as much. Right. Every time you go out, well, you know, we're in Seattle. Yeah, yeah. I don't before I go on stage, like I used to a little bit, but I don't anymore.

I will though if I'm, like, out with a group of friends, and it's not comedy-related. But I've only, so this is another, like, nerd thing. I'm allergic to everything. Like, everything that you can be allergic to. And so I never smoked weed. I still have never smoked weed. It's allergic to smoke. I'm allergic to, like, mint.

so I thought that maybe like Paw was like in the same family it's just it's never like a risk I wanted to take growing up at parties like to have like a serious allergic reaction at a party and be like the kid I'd like a risk the fuck out of that yeah but I might be what happened to your head you're just allergic to alcohol drugs so my head's always swollen

just a puffy man just a puffy fuck I'm not fat I'm just I need an epipan all the time I want your elbow them to be called puffy fuck. Okay. I can do that. That sounds like a super smash brother's character.

Puffy fuck. That would be played puffy fuck. Yeah. I love that. This is completely, well, it's not kind of off track, but you're allergic to everything,

but I know you're used big into makeup. Does that factor in a lot? Like you've got to get specific. Yeah. Like the reading and the ingredients all the time. Yeah, it's a pain of the ass. But.

So, Raven of you to have even thought of that. I know. She likes makeup. I know. And you are a white woman. So you thought of it also. I,

I appreciate it. I was talking to Corey when I said white woman, Kelsey's also a white woman. That is true. But I tried, I did get high for the very first time in my life, like probably five months ago. What? From an edible.

But it was a horrible experience. Edibles can be the worst. It was. It was. Your first time being high as an adult, because you got shit going on. Yeah. High is for children. Oh, yeah.

No. Sorry. I just thought of a bit. I haven't done it a long time. Yeah, that is funny. Yeah, I had like 30, I say on stage 50 to like ramp it up because I've like turned it into a joke now, but it's, I had like a 30 milligram lollipop. That's so much.

That's so much. You're supposed to take like 5 to 10. I take 10. I don't, I'm not as regular as even these dudes, but I, 10 destroys me. Oh yeah. So picture 30 milligrams in like little me. I like hadn't really had that much to eat leading up to it that day. How long did it last?

Over 24 hours. I slept for 17 hours, woke up still high for the whole rest of the day, was out of my mind was. And again, I've turned this into a bit now, but I was like legitimately scared by how quickly I felt the sun was setting. Like the sun went behind. You got the earth had hurried up or something's off with the sun. They're trying to get this over with too quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like the sun went behind a building and I felt like Harry Potter with like the Dementer's swirling.

Yeah, that's so great. Shit's really dark. Shit's really evil right now. My boyfriend got me some sushi to like try and calm me down and I just felt like I felt like every little piece of rice in my mouth. I felt like I could like taste the fish's childhood. Like everything was just this like really like down a rabbit hole of like every horrible. thought I could have about like the sushi. How did that childhood taste though?

Like it was like really beautiful and I ruined it by eating it. I felt your boyfriend went to the white woman emergency manual. Just like she's, what's happening? Quick, calm her down. Sushi. Get her some sushi right now. Sushi chocolate. That was fucking hilarious.

I ate most of a hundred milligram candy bar in Colorado. I had given some of my friends in the front and I got high. Like we smoked a joint too or whatever. And when you're high, it's like candy. Your mouth, I was just like looking outside just eating it. Like, not even, you know what I mean? It was peanut butter flavored. And I experienced, I guess, similar to what you were just talking about in terms of everything was so dark.

I was convinced, this is super creepy. We're going to get to my religious fucked up to this a little bit. I was convinced, like 100%, like new in my heart. Not like this is a thing I'm afraid. I knew that this is hell. Like our existence on earth is hell. And that we keep dying and coming back here. And that that's why we all.

feel the way we feel and that the universe is hell and that the universe is being punished and like that we're all part of it and I was like sitting and then I had that thought where I go like this is just the drugs and then I had this other thought I was like or is it yeah now I kind of feel that way sober but so remembering that high is all that's always I never think things that I don't think sober it's more real one I've certainly had that thought this is what I'm saying I knew it wasn't just like oh here's an interesting sad cynical thought It was like, this is what it is. This is my life.

Yeah. And this is always just going to be this way. And I remember you were talking about the sun. I remember staring at the moon. Yeah. And like, I'm almost being mad at it. I can't really explain that. But just being like,

fuck you, moon. Fuck you. Fuck you. When I was up all night, I couldn't sleep. Good for you. Maybe. Oh, it was like tranquilizer.

I mean, it knocked me out. I felt physically like, ugh. But like, I couldn't go to sleep. I was, you know what? I just remembered. I'd also dropped acid that day. Oh my God. Damn.

It was a rough day. I had a... No, not usually. I'm very afraid of drugs. Like, I'll do them... I'll do them frequently, but like in very small doses. I don't know what got in it. I think the Rockies got in me that day.

I was like, look at these mountains. Let's do it. And then like, it's not who I am. This one time I had, I think you might remember this because we, I was texting about it. I had an abscess tooth and it was literally the worst pain I've ever been in my life. And I had it like on a Friday and I couldn't get into the dentist or something. I had it all weekend.

and I sent it was hurting so this is when you didn't you message me that weekend yeah I know I dude I was delirious I didn't sleep for for three whole days literally because it was the pain was so bad and I was like someone was like go to the emergency room I had no money no inch of nothing I was for the first time in Corey's life in Shikamaga he apparently couldn't get pain bills yeah no I couldn't I was trying to find him so I couldn't sleep and I was so that I started drinking a little bit just trying to sleep then I got delirious and I don't even remember doing this but apparently I called my mom and I was crying, like, just crying, but not over, she's like, what's wrong? And she'd known that my mouth was hurting.

Yeah. And I was crying because I said, when I go to have mouth surgery, I won't be able to do a British accent anymore. And I was weeping because I was so delirious and fucked up on whiskey. And my brain was just out of goddamn, so not, that's not a weed story, but that is like, your brain don't, you know, you need to take care of that motherfucker. Is that the worst point? Is that the weekend? you Skype me and I talked to you to move into New York?

Yeah. Because I wanted to kill myself but depression was a thing but like this was made the pain was so much. I was like I can't get to a doctor I'm going to shoot myself. This is so fucking bad.

And then Drew's like Drew's like you're sitting there to move to New York. Well, when you called me you were talking about how fuck we don't have to get into this. No. You were just talking about

how you weren't satisfied with everything that was going on which I now see was part of your deliriousness and all that. Sure. Oh, yeah. But I read it as this dude's calling me crying because he hates his life. He needs to move here with me. Yeah, I mean, all that definitely was true, but I was delirious. Yeah. Oh, fuck. So what helps anxiety

for you? Um, I write every morning, which like helps a little bit to try and get a grip on, like, those first spots of the day. Comedy writer, or you just write whatever's going to your head to get it out? Just journal, yeah. And then... My wife does that. I need to do that. Yeah, it helps. Have you guys heard of the book called The Artist's way. That's exactly why she started doing it. You'd be reading that? She loves it. Well, I'm interested. And it's fucking spooky. She shows me some shit in it. She's like,

look at this. I'm like, oh my God, that's you. And she'll show me another thing. I'm like, oh my God, that's me. No, yeah. It's the artist way. The artist way. I'm ordering them shits on Amazon right now. It will change your life. I've read it like 14 times. Isn't it a secret? It's like that. It's like that. It's a 12-week self-help course and creative recovery. So basically, you can do it at any point in your life. in terms of like you want to actually like start pursuing your dreams. You're in the middle of pursuing your dreams and you're hitting like roadblocks. Things are going well, but you want them to keep going well.

Like it will help you always. And Andy's kind of like the hippie who cried peace. Okay. Sometimes she brings stuff to me and I'm like, yeah, you're always on about essential oils or yoga or this. You know what I mean? Yeah. But like this thing, I've been really impressive. And I'm going to, she already has the work, but I'm just going to do it when she's done.

I think she's almost done. it's amazing so that yeah i've been in a habit of doing that for like almost eight years now that book is the reason why i started stand-up comedy really it's the like that's what gave me the courage to like okay i'm actually going to try this like i'm going to go to this open like you but the book like helped you push you to that point where you're like i can do it yeah to like really identify okay like this is what i want to do and i need to try it i need to at least try it right and so it's it's the best um but i write i go i grew up playing a bunch of sports and so that's been a weird transition as you you know you become an adult and you're just like not in your own planes and yeah it's hard to get the food you want yeah yeah so i hate running do you hate jogging everyone's like just go for a jog i'm like no i used to play basketball i'm not gonna fucking jog i'm so competitive i like i need a sport like i need it to be for purpose i need something to distract myself i'm just jogging i think about everything i hate like my knees are yeah i i used to i lost i'm fat now i used to

be fatter, way fatter. I probably weighed 20 now at one point I weighed no, I weighed $2.15. I weighed 238 at one point. But I was like, fuck this. And I got down to $1.90 in like two and a half, three months by just running

and eating grilled chicken and shit like that. And I loved running. I fucking couldn't wait to do it. That's awesome. But you get out of the habit for one week, you go on vacation or something and you can't convince yourself that you used to like, you're like, no, no, no.

That don't help. I don't want to do that. Yeah. It's weird. Also the worst people in the world jog. Is that something you're going to struggle with where you stare at them? Yeah, but I'm a treadmill. And at like Thanksgiving dinner, it's like, well, you know, I went on my 6th a.m.

run. So, but I'm still, I'm only going to have one size. It's like, oh, God. I have to fuck yourself, Debbie. So I have to do treadmill. So it's always treadmill. I throw on a bunch of music. That's honestly, no, I don't like running outside around the block.

I went to Bonaroo. Well, one of the years I went to Bonarue. I had a VIP ticket because this dude I worked with, this girl dumped him and he had an extra ticket and he just gave it to me for really cheap but inside the VIP tent they were like people jogging every morning and stuff it was like really successful business type people who wanted to like party that weekend but there was like an internet cafe there and they were all doing work this one girl was applying to law school I left and then go back water you yeah this place yeah that's how I feel about jogging in general though like I can't get over that

I would play basketball yeah we uh we should probably let you go yeah I'm gonna head to the improv um But just to watch a set. I wouldn't say I wish I didn't have anything to do. I don't, but I feel like shit. Yeah, it's also like 2 a.m. on our body. Yeah, that's true. We're on the East Coast time. Oh, okay.

Give the people your Twitter, your YouTube, whatever it is you want. My Twitter's at Kelsey Cook, K-E-L-S-E-Y-C-O-K. Instagram is Kelsey Cook Comedy. My podcast is called Cooked, which is just spelled C-O-O-K-A-A-P-D, and I've had T-O-O-O-K-O-E-I-T, and I'd love to have you on sometimes. I'd love to do it. That's a really fun episode. Go check on my YouTube and you can see me putting makeup on trade.

We did it like Hillary Clinton and Trump style. So I made him look like Hillary Clinton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it next time I'm out here. Let's do it. Fuck yeah, that'd be fun. June 8th, we're doing Largo. There's a plug right there.

June 8th we're doing Longo. Just added that. So I'll come in a day earlier, stay that way. It'll be great. Okay, cool. And you go to KelseyCook.com to see where I'm performing next. So, yeah. Cool.

Nice. Yeah. Thank you guys so much for having me. Thank you. And thank you everybody for listening. to the well-red podcast. Ski! Thank you all for listening to the well-red show.

We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you, good night and Skiw.