wellRED podcast - #152 - Drinking at The Waffle House, Stealing Shit, and Whooping a Genie's Ass!

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

In this weeks episode, Drew and The CHO discuss stealing shit from corporations, getting drunk in a Waffle House, and whether or not Drew could whip a Genies ass! wellredcomedy.com for ticketsbluechew.com promo code RED for your first order FREE

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to you, you like had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now, skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people, people across the skew universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery, getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app

that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture,

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language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app,

lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money. What was that in response to?

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the they're the liberal rednecks they like cornbread but six they care way too much but don't give a fuck.

They're the liberal rednecks that makes some people. People upset, but they got three big old dicks that you can suck. All right, Corey. Are we here? Well, no. There's no here where we are. We're both just in our own little void here. There's no way.

I actually say it's starting to sound like an end of the Obisket episode. But DJ, I'm going to plug it shamelessly. Plug my other podcast on my podcast. Season three, End of the Abisket, just started. DJ and I were talking about trying not to eat meat. And he was talking about how at least he appreciates all the chickens he ate who sacrificed for him. And then he started calling chickens Christ. It's like, buddy, like every one of them little sunbitches is like it's on Jesus.

You know what I mean? It's dying for my sins. God damn it. Let me ask you a question about it because, yeah, fuck it. We'll shamelessly plug into the Abiscuit podcast because it's great. Um, how many episodes are you at right now? Oh my God. I don't know because, uh, we're on season three.

We lost season two. I want to say 12. We'll let's say 12. Okay. So that's it. So that's a goof because like I keep seeing you all talking about season three coming out and I was like, whoa, wait, wait, wait, I just recorded an episode for season one at my mama's house like four weeks ago.

Yeah, no, it's not, we just lost it. We lost the whole season. It's the whole thing. We're not going to get into it. We, we, we address it. So, we address it on the intro of season three. So you lost season two, but instead of just calling this season two, this season three.

Well, we hope we might find it again somewhere in the, in the void. And then that will be season two. What? If we find it? I mean, it is, season two. Season three, we're going to go backwards in that season two. Look, man, you can't make season three season two. It's season three.

Look, here's the deal, guys, you're not listening to End of the Abisket, and this hasn't convinced you to do so. You're missing out on some high fucking concept art, so go get it on iTunes. Let me say it. and I assume all the other platforms. It's absolutely high concept. Let me say it this way. Global warming, right?

Yeah. Sometimes you don't have a fall. But you still call it fall. It's not like you just like, you know what I mean? Like it's fucking 90 degrees. Right now it's technically winter except for if it didn't rain today, I literally would have played golf because it's 68 degrees. Right.

You can't just... So that ain't winter, but it's winter. lose this season, but you can't just name the new season, the old season. That'd be crazy. Well, God damn it. There for a second, I thought you were a fucking idiot, but as usual, you've convinced me that I am. Well, one day I'll start my cult, the cult of the eat fruit and fuck. I think that we should...

First of all, you got rid of my rap. You did that on purpose, and I'm upset by it. I'll put it on this fucking episode. Put it on this episode. But it's not going to be as good because you have to... to go back and listen to the other episode to know what I'm rapping about. It's also not a great rap. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's no way that we would talk about my weight on any other episode aside from that one. Well, Trey's not here. That's not an evergreen rap. Right. But Trey's not here to talk about how perfectly round you are, how you are going more, how disappointed he is that you're on broth. Oh, Trey's not here everybody. I had chicken wings today. Were they good?

Yeah, they were fucking great. doing good. Like I haven't really, like I haven't, I haven't, I've only drank once since the new year, aside from last night. And it was when the Titans played the Patriots. And I literally couldn't help myself because I was so fucking hype. And last night, I made it till half time of the game. And I was like, I'm not going to drink. I don't, you know, I don't even care about either one of these teams. I just want to see a good game. And the fucking game was so hype that I ended up drinking an entire bottle of Jamison. And then I woke up this morning, no shit, like out of a dream and out loud to no one. I just screamed. I got.

to have chicken wings. Like I was clearly dreaming about it and I drove straight and got chicken wings. You woke yourself up screaming about chicken wings? Yes. I had chicken wings both the times you drank and they were great. Yeah. Did you say a whole bottle of Jameson? A literal entire bottle of Jameson I drank last night. I don't think I've ever said this to you not ingest, but that's a problem. No, I know. It was not good. I'm not proud of myself. So what happened was me, Robbie, Robbie, my best bud Robbie is my dietitian. Sure, yeah. And he's, doesn't he sell?

So he's been telling me, he's like, look, man, you get to cut out on the booth. So I was like, yeah, I'm just not going to drink booze. He's like, but if you get yourself in a situation where you're like, I'm going to drink, he's like, the best thing you can do is just take straight shots of whiskey because, A, it's better than drinking beer. And B, you'll get drunk quicker and you'll, by nature, you'll, you'll drink less because it's higher potency of alcohol. That is the most sophomore year logic I've ever heard. Do what?

That's the most sophomore year logic I've ever heard. Yeah, for sure. But I agree with you on surface. But, like, Robbie also, like, I've never seen a human being who can, like, gain and cut weight more and knows more about how the human body and shit works. So like, I'm like, well, I fucking trust him. Yeah, but you've got to do it. I just started taking shots last night, and I just couldn't fucking quit taking shots. And next thing I know, the whole goddamn bottle was gone and the game was still on fire.

Yeah, but you've got to do it. Like, I hear what you're saying, but that's my point. Robbie can do that because he can do that. He says, well, and then you just take shots and you'll get drunk quicker and you won't drink as much. But, like, you've never done that. Right. I do have a much higher alcohol tolerance than, most people because like most people would have got to like six shots and been drunk enough to

not drink anymore that just doesn't happen to me well i am uh stunned and i think that's the word that i'm going to use that a that uh roby's health plan's not working for you i just can't believe that well it is on everything else but that okay so you're losing weight yeah i've lost uh eight pounds since uh i guess my checkup was January 2nd? Yeah, I've lost eight pounds since January 2nd. Congratulations. That's more than a pound a day if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, it's like the 13th. Yeah, and I mean, you know, the first few I would say were definitely just like the water weight I had on from the holidays, so that's probably not much to celebrate,

but like I have lost it. No, I think you got to celebrate that. Man, you deserve a burger in celebration. Well, the deal is, is it's not like I just have it done shit. Like, I have been running and I've been cycling and I've been, you know, not eating sweets and I've been going low on the carbs and high on protein. So, like, yeah, it's not like it just fell off for fucking nothing. You say running and cycling, and we're not talking about running over your mama's house and cycling through her snack box. No, I mean, like, hopping on the, what was it called? Did you get a peloton? Stationary bike.

Oh. No, I did. seem like a motherfucker that would have got one of those. But there was a, of course, like every gym in January has like a fucking like huge deal because they know people are going to want to do it. So the gym like five minutes from my house was doing a crazy ass deal. So I just got a month and they have a stationary bike and I've been going over there and doing that.

All right. So let me tell you about the deal I joined in January with my gym. So you joined one in January too? Yes and no. here's what happened. I have a membership. Okay, good, because I've been feeling like shit. Well, I don't think that's going to make you feel any better. I have a membership at the Y in North Hollywood.

It's the cheapest Y around, and you can go to other Ys all over Los Angeles without having to pay. And it's the closest one to my house. So I have that membership, and I've been going to the Burbank Y to play basketball. Well, for a couple months, I just, stopped working out but I kept playing basketball. I got noticed from them that I had to stop going to the Burbank Y more. Like you can do that but you have to go to your home Y the most. Oh that's weird. So I got noticed that I

had to do that right? And so I was like all right so I canceled my membership at North Hollywood and I was just going to move to the Burbank Y because I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go to the Burbank Y while. And I went to do that but I have my little Y badge from the Hollywood Y and I, you know, beep in every time I go in. I keep waiting on it to like cancel. My thought was, well, I've paid in advance at some point. So yeah, I canceled it on, you know, December 25th or, well, I didn't do it on Christmas,

but you get the under, you get what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. In my mind, all right, I canceled it on this date. 30 or less days from now, it's going to stop working. then I will join the Burbank Y. Yeah. It's been a month and a half. And you're still getting it?

Well, the other night I went and this lady there who's like, this is Burbank, so she's not a church lady, but that's the personality she is. She's like super sweet, but like probably was a teacher, you know what I mean? And like, you know, a history teacher, not a cool teacher. Yeah. She was like, oh, she was like typing. Then she kept typing. Then she kept typing.

And I was like, here we go. It finally happened. And she was like, you, your membership's expired. I go, yeah, I was waiting on it expired so I can join here. And she's like, okay, well, I'll get the people who can help you join. I was like, cool. And I was like, oh, actually, I don't have my wallet, which was true, because I don't be keeping up with nothing. I don't have my phone right now.

And I'm sorry, this story is longer than I wanted it to be. The point is I left, I came back in the next day, my buddy Rich, who works the front when I always go and play basketball. He's always there during the week. I put my badge up to the thing, waiting on him to tell me it's expired so I can join. I've got all my paperwork and my credit card with me. And he goes, oh, hey, Drew, going in, dude.

I've just been going to the Y for free, and either Rich don't care because he gets paid probably $15 an hour in Burbank, California, to man the gate at the Y. Or he just don't know because he didn't click all them buttons late he did, and he don't give a shit either way. I've just been going to the Y for free. So in January, I also joined a gym, and that gym is called The Five Finger Gym.

I'm just, I'm going to gym for free. That's fantastic. And I can't decide if I should feel bad about it because the YMCA is not Walmart. You know I'm pro stealing from corporations. The Y, I think, is a nonprofit. Yeah, I used to steal from Walmart all the time. Well, I think the Y is a nonprofit. But it's a big one.

So I'm kind of like, yeah, but, you know, I wonder how much their CEO. oh makes like i'm trying to justify it in my head i'm sure i'm trying to justify it in my head but yeah but i think they also like provide child care for the communities that they're in for relatively like on a sliding scale and shit like like i definitely should be paying these dues dude well well here's the deal you will yeah you i'll have to well that's true and i'll have to eventually a part of me's just like testing rich i'm like you know you know what i mean like this what is happening happening here. He ain't winked at me. He does know my name, you know. And it's a big YMCA. So the one that the one that I'm going to, it's not a big thing. Like there's only one. It's like a, it's a singular gym in Rock Springs. And I joined on a fucking group on because I'm a white lady. And I go in like I say, I tell them I'm like, hey, I'm, I'm, I had a group on. I need to sign up or whatever. And the girl's like, uh, you know, I don't really feel like dealing with that right now. So just go ahead.

head and you can take care of it next time you get here. And that's just what they've said every single time. So you ain't paid either? So you ain't paid either? And so I think that next month when it runs out, I'm just going to be able to walk in and be like, yeah, I had a group on. They're going to be like, I don't want to fucking deal with that. Go ahead.

So you ain't paid either? No, I did. I paid the coupon. Like, I had to buy the coupon. But like, you're apparently supposed to have a pass for the gym. And every time I go in, somebody will be like, hey, scan your pass. And I'm like, oh, they haven't given me one yet because, see, I had a coupon. And as soon as I say Groupon, they shut down and go, ah, fuck it, just go.

I can't. Because it's you, this is going to work out completely in your favor. Like, you're going to be able to do that forever if you want to. Yeah. But there's a part of me that worries, like, at some point, someone's going to be like, oh, okay, let's look it up. And then because it's, excuse me, been so long, there'll be a problem. Yeah, but, I mean, here's the deal. I'll just be like, well, I mean,

you've seen me come in here every day and say I had a group on and I'm trying to get a fucking badge. This ain't on me. I won't feel bad at that point. No. Because every single day that I've gone in there, I've attempted to do the right thing and sign up proper and get a badge. And they just don't want to have nothing to do with it. So like, if I was doing that shit for three months and then all of a sudden somebody was like, hey, let's check this out. Actually, you owe us back pay.

I'd just tell them to go fuck themselves and I'd go to another gym. Yeah. And for the record that you just reminded me, twice I attempted to do the right thing. And, man, you know what? Man, fucking Rich might be trying to take down the Y. Two times I was, the first two times I came after that, I was like, I canceled my membership at the other Y. I needed to do another one.

And he was like, scan it. And he goes, oh, it's still fine. You know, we'll give it a couple days. The second time. So this is a buddy of yours? No. I learned his name the last, literally yesterday, or Friday, because I realized he's giving me the hookup.

So I was like, I better learn his name. I'd say he just genuinely don't give a shit. Well, so I did that once. The second time I did it, I was like, hey, you know, I told you last time, I don't know. I guess I need to sign up. And he said, there's no one here right now to sign you up anyway. So now that I'm thinking about it, Rich is definitely trying to take down the Y one illegal membership at a time. When you said you used to steal from Walmart, what would you steal?

Oh, I didn't say that. I said that I'm all four stealing from corporations like Walmart. I think maybe I said I used to steal from Walmart. I don't think I've ever stolen from Walmart though. Oh, I said that then. You definitely said that. I've stolen that. I used to steal from Walmart all the time.

Yeah, I've stolen like cable. I've still, you know, like things like that. I don't know if I've ever stolen a physical object, which I don't know. I'm into the idea of stealing from big companies especially, but I've just never done it in a physical way. Like I've tried to screw them over like what's going on with a why. I didn't do this one on purpose, but I've done stuff like that. that on purpose before, but I don't think I've ever grabbed an object. What did you grab?

I would always steal sunglasses. Okay. That's pretty good. Like I would take something, like if I had to go there for something, like I was, I would always buy something. Like I was going there to have to buy something and I would just slide a pair of sunglasses inside whatever it was that I was buying. Like, you know, when I used to sandblast, whatever, I'd have to go get some fucking workboats. And of course, I, you know, at that point in my life, I wasn't split. bringing for like nice work boots like I should have because I'd only have to buy them once. I'd get the shit-ass workboats, the fucking braamas or whatever

for Walmart. That's the brand. And I'd open the box and slide some fucking, were they Brahmas? That wasn't it. Yeah, Brahma. With those Walmarts? Yeah.

Came in. Yeah, I would open the box and put suit glasses in them. Dirt and grease. Those are the two colors that came in. Yep, that's 100% correct. And when I would go to, I would also, when the oil spill and shit happened, I would steal from BP's and Exxon. Like, what I would do was I'd go, I learned this trick. You go get a, like, one of the fountain drinks, right?

And you take a candy bar and you put the candy bar in the cup and then you fill it with ice and fill it with drink. And then when you get through with your drink, your candy bar cold. That's fucking brilliant. I know. Oh, that is so stupid. They don't open the fucking lid. They don't even scan it. They're like, oh, 64 ounce.

They're all 99 cents. Go live your life, you fat fuck. And there's a goddamn butterfinger in there every time. That's so stupid and so brilliant. It's super hilarious that you're stealing diabetes. Well, and here's the deal. For the record, I haven't stolen from Walmart or a gas station since we started hitting. But that's not because, oh, I've got money to pay for my candy bar and sunglasses now.

It's because now I don't want to get caught. doing something that dumb. Well, it would look weird, I guess. Although now that you've told this story, it might look rad. Yeah, like if I was going to shoplift and I did it from Prada, people would be like, well, fucking, you know, was it, who was the girl that did that? She's in Stranger Things. Oh, I know what you mean.

Winona Ryder did it back in the day, too. Winona Ryder, yeah, she shoplifted, but she shoplifted like high-end shit, and she was also rich at the time. So, like, oh, she's just a kleptomaniac. It's not that she's poor. She just needs help. Yeah. You know, if I got caught stealing some, like, hardcore awesome shit,

it'd be like, oh, he's just a kleptomaniac. If I get caught stealing butterfingers, that ain't a good. I mean, it's on brand, but that ain't a good look. Right. I've stolen cable from Comcast multiple times. That's fine. Yeah, fine, hell, that's morally correct. I agree.

But that's the only thing, you know, and it's just like wiring, and it's probably way harder to do now with fiber optics. Arptics, fiber arptics. uh my brother used to work cable all my fucking self checkouts first came out i would definitely oh i've done that oh i've done that i guess i have stolen i didn't yeah i've done that i used to do that for sure i forgot about that and uh that don't even count that's not stealing several times this year because when i grocery shop now i'm grocery shopping for me my wife and my dog instead of just me so like my grocery car and the bottom rack is full and i sometimes

forget about the shit on the bottom rack and I'll be at my car by the time I realize that it's on there and I'm like well fucking I ain't going back in to give fucking food line their bullshit this is just my bottle of water now. Dude, stealing one to two even three items from the self-checkout line is not stealing. That is not stealing.

That's not what that is. That is a political act in which you were telling these motherfuckers this is bullshit. I don't work here. I'm not your employee. It should be cheaper if I'm the one doing the shit. Exactly. This is you paying me for doing the fucking job of a human being. You know what I mean?

Like, think about the world we live in, Corey. If you don't steal a can of beans, you owe it to your niece to steal beans from a self-checkout line. Not because when she's older, there won't be self-checkout lines. But, I mean, there absolutely will be. But you've got to take your pound of flesh. You know what I mean? This is for her, really. Yeah, but honestly, and I'll be honest.

and here's where I'm kind of morally conflicted because I don't know if like this is like fake wokeness but I actually haven't used the self-checkout in like a year and a half I decided to take a moral stand against it because I go there and I see it and I'm like man this is a

person that could have had a job and we really need jobs and like I know progress and all that shit but like I'm not doing it I'm going to go to the person in line and it fucking infuriates Amber because like the line will be super long and there's like we've only got three items and there's a self checkout open and I'm like look I'm not doing it and there's a part of me that's like yeah you're

really doing a good thing but I'm like yeah but you're still fucking shopping here and feeding into this goddamn system no exactly you either go to the person or you steal from the self checkout line those are the two right things to do okay right on that's my that's the well-read that's our stance on that that's our policy you don't have to agree with it but by god we're right well i normally don't come to you to feel better about myself and justify my actions but i'm glad that i did on this one well that's because you've allowed tray to poison your brain against yourself and me man i really have like i used to think he had my best interest at heart and that's just not true what's funny about that is i've heard you say that statement for a solid two years now

because he keeps convincing me otherwise and i forget dude he's fucking gas-lop Yeah, man. He's fat lighting you. He is fat lighting me. Speaking of fat, fucking Waffle House is going to start serving booze. Well, they already have it, Atlanta. Oh, really?

Like, it's already a thing. I thought they were just talking about it, like getting the interest up. Well, they've done, they've already put it in in one place. It's only one, you know, it's like a pilot project. It's like when Taco Bell gets them new things. And sometimes, because you live in Chattanooga, you get them before everybody else.

I just found that out, by the way, because of you guys. Well, Tray said that, but I, you know, I don't, I like to argue with Tray a lot. But when it comes to the veracity of his statements about Taco Bell, he is the authority. My man got a PhD D in Taco Bell. How quickly he knew every single test market for Taco Bell. Yeah, because he, that was like when we got to Internet, you know, I was like looking up boobies and, you know what I mean?

And Tray's in there like, hmm, I wonder where I can get that New Flames Taco Bell. My man was on a Taco Bell chat room For some reason I'm in this town When I can get the fucking new hotness the quickest His AOL away name was gotta have a Gordita And people were like, what's a Gordita? He's like, you don't even know Three years, it'll be here

Yo Kiro, my mama Wait, what is Yo Kiro Taco Bell? I want Taco Bell? Yes, yes Okay, I was just making sure my joke worked in Spanish I won't y'all, yeah, okay, yeah Well, anyway, yes, Waffle House is starting to serve booze. I'm against it.

You can read my essay on it online on Twitter and on Facebook, but I'm very upset by it. It's not a good idea. It's a very bad idea. No, it's not a good idea. It'll change everything about Waffle House. And there are diners who serve booze, and sometimes I want to go there. I never have as good of a time at them as I do at Waffle House, sobering up. And that's the whole thing.

Waffle House's whole thing is to sobering up. you up in the middle of the night. Like, that's what it's full. Yeah. Waffle House, dude, I've really only ever been to Waffle House when every other thing was closed. Right.

Right. Like, if I could, if booze was still being served places, I would just go to that place and then go to Waffle House afterwards. Well, on that note, if you show up to the Waffle House at 2.30, you know, in Georgia, you're not going to be able to get booze anyway, because they still got a file of liquor laws. Right. But I've showed up to Waffle House at one, you know, because I was done with my night, done drinking.

And if I got there and it was like, oh, shit, I can get an All-Star breakfast and a Bloody Mary or just a beer. I would do it and that would just ruin so many things, ma'am. Yeah, I guess that's my thing too because there's no way I wouldn't fucking do it, but I wouldn't want to do it. Now, let me ask you this. Say there's a Waffle House in Colorado. and fast forward where to you know 10, 20 years from now where restaurants can serve weed, would you be for that? I mean, I guess I'd have to be, but... Get that Waffle House strain?

Smothered covered and high as fuck! What? Smothered covered and high as fuck? Oh yeah. No, I mean, yeah, it would hit, but like I... Man, I don't know. like I like to go, I like to go places to eat when my high is coming down, I guess. Sure. I can't, man.

Now, I will say this, though, like in Colorado, we do make exceptions just because, you know, when we're in Colorado, it's a tour thing. And we just got through with the show and our adrenaline's up and we're a little drunk. And I can be drunk and high in public, but like, man, just being like getting new high at a place. No, you don't want to be new high. You got to be new high in it. You got to be new high in a place you feel comfortable, but I do feel comfortable at Waffle House. I do too, but I feel comfortable at Waffle House

because they don't have booze and weed. Go on. Well, I'm saying like, I feel comfortable at Waffle House because Waffle House has always been one thing. It's been I either go there early, early morning, when I used to work construction over where I, I'd meet my buddy there was, it was near a Waffle House and we'd always go there and like, you know, strap on a bag and then fucking, of course, go back and take a two-hour nap and then

show up to the job site. Or I'm fucking drunk and trying to eat a bunch of shit so that I can go home and go to sleep. I'm comfortable in those two arenas. It's not ever changed for me. I don't think I'd be as comfortable if I was in a fucking Waffle House at 1.30 in the morning with that clientele getting more drunk. or high. Well, that's the problem. You go to the Waffle House, you know, this lady's calling you baby doll. You're feeling really good about yourself, about your evening. Sure, you didn't get laid,

you didn't get taken home, but everybody with you didn't either. Everyone's in a good mood. Everyone's in it together. We all ended up at the Waffle House. We had different plans for our evening, most likely. Most likely we had it in our head. We was going to get laid, or we was going to end up on a boat at this wild party and there was going to be cocaine or we was going to end up meeting the love of our life and he was a bouncer who worked at the club I was dancing at and I didn't wear no panties at night and I was hoping he would notice me but none of that happened and now we're all at the Waffle House and everyone there had a plan and it didn't go that way whether it was getting laid or that motherfucker in the corner who's like 60 who just got off

work at night shift and he you know his life didn't turn out the way it he wanted it just like you're not dim. We're all in it together though. If you add booze into that mix, now it's just the last bar. Now it's just another chance for people to get laid. And I'm not going to pretend like that won't work out for some people. Some people will fuck in the Waffle House bathroom. It's gross. I've seen it done before.

But when you saw it done before in the past, it was rare. Because most people there were coming down, it's very rare that you see sex in the Waffle House bathroom going down. And you should cherish it when you do. Now it's going to become more common. And also, imagine if you had a baby. Imagine if you was conceived in a Waffle House bathroom. Now, I'm not saying that ain't happened. It has happened, but it's happened rarely.

It's going to happen more often. Nobody wants that. That's not what we need. We need to eat pounds of bread, a lot of grease, and sober up. Have five cups of coffee before we drive home. That's what we need. I mean, literally people will die. More people will die when this happens.

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Again, that's B-L-U-E-H-U.com promo code red to try it for free. Blue Chew is the better, cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Man, we really do. I'd love to pop a blue chew and go to a waffle house right now. Would hit, wasn't it? I think so. Just have a big old bonner in there.

You could rest your eggs on it. This is both a plug for blue chew and a statement about how much I don't hit that I recently found out. Amber now can just tell when I've taken a bluejjie. Like, I won't tell her anymore. And I'll take, she's like, oh, you took a blue chute, didn't you? I'm like, how do you know? And she's like, this ain't your dick. BC, you got that BC dick.

Yeah, I did. She's like, it's just so much better. And I'm like, yeah, this is what a dick should be. Bluechu, what a dick should be. There you go. That's a fucking shirt right there. Blue shoe, what a dick should be. Blue chew, if you're listening, hop on that and get me a goddamn shirt.

Man, Blue Chew, hop on a blue chew, guys. That's another one. Hop on a blue chew. Get that real dick. Get that real dick. They should let us write our own ad copy. I agree. You know, not just, they're like, oh.

I'm kind of doing it right now. Yeah, but they're like, oh, have fun with it. but like, nah, man, like pay me extra to write an ad for Blue Chew fucking at the Waffle House. That's the whole campaign. That would be fun to, like, have Bluchu be like, hey, here's a podcast that we also sponsor. You write specific copy for them and they have to read it verbatim. That would be so much fucking fun. Dude, if their national campaign, the whole thing was Blu, fuck her at a Waffle House.

Yeah. And they just did it on podcast so they could get away. with, you know, Sam, fucker at a Waffle House, they would sell so many fucking pills. Do you understand that, like, like, there is, there are people out there who don't even know, just assume that Blue Chew is just a dick pill that you get from your doctor or whatever,

and don't understand that you can talk to doctors on the internet and do all those things. They think, in other words, I could never get that. I'm 30 and, you know, I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't have insurance, whatever the situation is. If they then heard about a campaign, on Twitter and Reddit and all the places it would go viral, where the campaign was literally,

Bluchu, fuck her at a Waffle House. And it's a no-brainer because if you know anything about Waffle House, you know that everyone in Waffle House loves taking pills. Right. No matter what the fuck they are. You're right. The only problem is if Waffle House would somehow, you know, stand in the way. I don't think they would.

Not now. I don't think they would either. And if they would, then you could just make it blue chute, fucker in a trailer diner, and make it yellow, make it yellow and black. Yeah, yeah. Everybody would know what you meant. You know what I mean? You can't copyright trash. Exactly.

Buddy, if you could, my people would be doing a lot better in general, so. A hundred percent. Bluechew, get you a real dick and fucker at the waffle house. Oh, my gosh. That reminds me of that, you remember that Ron White joke where he was talking about it? He goes, yeah, I fly a lot. And you would think, but I'm actually not a member of the Mile High Club. I am, however, a member of the Mile Ahead Club, which is where you get a blowjob behind a Cracker Barrel billboard.

That's so goddamn funny. Oh, God, that is so funny. what time is it Joe it's uh it is 210 you're you're coming up on it pal yeah well we got about 20 minutes there's a few more things I want to talk about

we talked about this on the end of the abisket podcast uh and we talked about it on here last week but I want to I think we did or maybe it was just in person well either way have we talked about me getting a bird we have texted about you getting a bird but we have not audibly talked about you get in a bird and I really would like to.

So if you want to hear DJ Lewis gutter bumpkins take on what Corey and I are about to talk about, you're going to have to tune in to the end of the abisket season three episode one premiere. But for now, we're going to get Cho's take on Drew getting a bird. So here's the backstory.

Andy wants a bird. My wife, Andy, wants a pet bird so fucking bad she can't stand it. She wants a cockatoo or a parrot or something like that, something bright, something that repeat what she says she wants something bright and vibrant that will just validate all the words she says so um i'm against it and she met me too late in life right yeah the way tray

wants corey is how andy wants a bird that's so accurate she's going to fatten it up and make it say funny stuff and then if we're lucky it'll fart it will fart let's ask it so i'm completely against it. Not just because I don't want a bird. I don't want to keep up with a bird. I don't want to have a fucking bird around. That's part of it. I am sincerely in my soul

against having birds as pets. I mean, let's go all the way back to Leonard goddamn Skinnerd. Literally, the metaphor, similarly, whatever the fucking word is. I mean, we're talking about Skinner, I'm not real good with vocabulary at the moment. Whatever the word is,

we use free bird. To describe human beings who can't be held down. It is the symbol. You know that Joe Zimmerman joke about not getting pet snakes? He's like, it's literally been the symbol of evil since the beginning of time. I don't know what could go wrong. Well, it's literally been the symbol of freedom. At least since the beginning of America.

Our fucking national thing is a bald eagle. It's free. It's free. I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird can never change. And he's got all these arguments, and some are better than others. She's like, well, maybe they were born in captivity. And I'm like, okay, I understand that if a bird is born in captivity, it cannot survive in the wild and therefore needs an owner.

I do get that. But, but how's that any different than supporting puppy mills? Like, the whole industry is immoral. Then she says, well, some birds really love their owners. They cuddle, you know, and what about rescues? And that's been so far the most compelling. argument to me is someone already their owners it's fucking Stockholm syndrome what the fuck are they going to do

that's how I feel about it I do that's exactly how I feel about it it's still fucking bullshit and here's what and here's my stance on I told her if you make this happen because you're a grown person but you know you share a house with me I'm gonna let it go if the motherfucker comes back that's your bird that's sting right the police

yeah if you love something let it go I think. Well, fuck the police. Yeah, that's either Sting or everybody else. Exactly. Whatever it is, Mamas and the Pappas, how many times can we just accuse the music industry of doing saying the wrong thing?

Yeah, and it's funny because the one time we, it was actually the Mamas and the Pappas who were the ones we should have been accusing. I know. But anyway, if she gets this bird, I'm going to let it out of its cage. I'm going to open the door. And she's like, well, fly away and then it'll die.

Well, it'll die free. That's its choice. But then when I was talking to DJ about it, are we projecting us onto the bird? I would rather die than live in a cage. But, you know, there might be a McCall, you know what I mean? Somewhere in San Diego in a one bedroom, like, fuck you, she treats me good. I love these crackers, motherfucker. You'd rather die than live in a cage.

I like my cage. I don't know. That's true. I'll say it here and I've said it before. It is wrong to generalize birds. It's very wrong to generalize birds. I've been saying it, man. Like how do you know what bird would feel about what?

Like, yeah, some of them probably are. I mean, like, okay, my dog, for instance, like, Palmer, he don't want to fucking go nowhere. Now, granted, I can justify that by I literally found him. Like, he's as true of a rescue as there can be because we literally found him almost starved to death and had had his ass whooped in a dead. tried to find, you know, his, his home and couldn't, and now we have him. Dog. And, no, he couldn't, like, it literally would be immoral for me to just say, well, he's a dog. He would, he's a beast.

He's supposed to be outside. He would die in a fucking, like, that's what happened, and he almost died. But they're not. But, like, they were bred. And this, and this might be immoral, but it's already happened, you know, generations ago. They were bred to be. companions to him. Dogs love it.

They love being pets. He does not want me to fucking leave the house and when I'm here he's right by my side. He does not want to run into the wild. And Andy says,

but there are birds like that. And I said if that's true, his ass will fly right back. And then I'll be cool with it. Because it might... But why did we do that to birds? Why do I mean, why do we do it to wolves?

You know, I mean, at some point... But there were at least practical reasons for that. There are some practical reasons. Like dogs serve a purpose. Some birds hunt. I mean, what the fuck does a bird... Some birds hunt now. Falconry is a thing.

Birds are prey. And they sent messages back in the day. I can wrap my mind around some of this stuff. But that didn't take. They didn't become common pets, unless I'm mistaken, from that. From that initial utility, they didn't become common pets the way dogs and cats. because they're not as good of a pet. And she's saying, well, some of them are.

Some of them like to cuddle. Some of them, you know, do like companionship. And, again, her best argument was, someone has, you know, some of those fucking birds live 80 years. Oh, yeah, it's crazy. So her best argument was somebody dies. The bird don't have an owner anymore. It's got 10 years to live.

You know, can we rescue essentially an old bird? bird. A papaw bird. So we might be getting a papaw bird. The only thing that we ran into... Papaw! The only thing... The only thing we've ran into that's a hang-up, and I'll give her credit, this was

a hang-up for her, and she brought it to my attention. For most of the kinds of birds she wants, like the ones that do live to be old and outlives their owners sometimes, a senior bird, if you will. Yeah. They need a lot of. room. Right. Like, we don't have a big house.

Right. So I don't know. It's almost as if they need space and not to be in fucking cages. Man, God is such an asshole. Why the fuck did he make birds live for 80 years but dogs for 10? That don't hit. Man, I don't know. Maybe he's punishing the birds.

Maybe they were on some bullshit. We don't know about it. Like, before we were here. Because birds are dinosaurs. We know that at this point. That's true. He killed me. most of them, and then he made the rest of them be fucking pets for an Instagram model and

lived to be 90 years. Let me ask you this question that I've never asked either one of y'all, but I've asked Amber and I've asked my sister, both answered very differently. If someone came to you right now and they said, Drew, you have two options, like it's a fucking genie or whatever, I'll give you $20 million right now. You can have $20 million and also wipe out all your student debt. anything you have, plus you get the $20 million, completely tax-free, it'll never be taxed.

Or I can make it to where Mick lives as long as you live. Hmm. Which one would you do? And there's no, like, scenario where I can, like, wrestle the genie. No, no, it's one of two. Maybe it's not, it's just one of two. You either get $20 million and you're completely financially secure forever and all your debt swapped or whatever the fuck,

or you're the same as everything is right now, but you will never have to have that terrible day of burying Mick and being without Mick. Well, again, first of all, I mean, just, just, I want it to be known. I try to wrestle the genie, make him say, Uncle, give me another wish. You know, I've always felt like that. For sure. I'm faster than Tom Cruise. I could pray out smart a genie, but...

Maybe. Not good. You trick a genie. Be easy. I'm with you. hands down the easy answer is is Mick yeah the hard part of that is I got so many like is his life good the whole time yeah yeah no his his life's good like he's not going to be sick he's going to be perfectly healthy dog everything's fine and y'all just both die notebook style in the same bed

and if I take the money does he die immediately or just live the life he was going to live no matter No, no, if you take the money, he just, it'll just be normal, like he'll live his normal dog life and whatever. Like, he doesn't, it's not like you take the money and he dies a meteor. This is not going to hit for people, but I think I'd take the money. I think I could do more good for more dogs with that money. I think I would. I really believe that. I mean, one thing that I want to do if we ever get a TV show and have more money than we deserve.

Thank you, everyone who supports us. I would do a dog rescue type thing, probably on. a farm that I would buy. So I think I would do that. And you ever talked about that? Yeah, probably. Because that's literally my, like I tell Amber that all the time. Like if I ever hit to the level to where like it's we good and I can fucking do whatever,

I want to buy a huge piece of land in Georgia and have a fucking no-kill sanctuary, like where I just foster animals. Like, I go, like, everything that would go to pound just comes to me. So you'd have birds. And you come get this motherfucking dog or I'll just have 70 dogs. So all, you said animals. So you'd have birds. Whatever is, yeah, just whatever. I just imagine some red ass hound dog just eating the shit out of a pink macaul.

Well, I mean, this motherfucker lasted 60. This motherfucker lasted 60 years. And I've never thought about it that way in my little stupid scenario. Because, like, yeah, with $20 million, I could help more dogs and animals. But, like, I'm so fucking self-know that I would take Palmer forever. Like, I just have to. Well, and that's the thing I was thinking about is it is kind of a selfish. Because in my mind, I'm like, shit, I'll just take Palmer forever and I'll make $20 million.

Right. And I'm sitting here thinking, would Mick want to live for 80 years? And he might. That was what made it tough, is if his life was good. Well, again, he doesn't get older. He stays healthy. Right, right, right. He's not going to have any problem.

Right. So that's what makes it tough is, you know, to give Mick that life. Now, to save myself from the pain, I mean, I want to do that. But that feels like such a selfish move when I could do so much with the $20 million and do some selfish shit with the $20 million. Don't let me sit here and act like I'm going to give it all away. You know, I'm going to bill gates the shit out of this. I'm going to give away a million.

Let y'all take some pictures. But I feel like, if I'm honest, like if that genuinely was a scenario, and for some reason I couldn't beat this particular genie in an arm wrestling contest, although I feel like that's ridiculous. I think just in my soul, I'm pretty sure I know I'd take the money. Well, I mean, here's the deal. That's the right decision. Like any sane human being, even with a fucking huge heart,

would be like, yeah, it's the right thing to do to take the fucking money. Because, dude, with $20 million, not only are you good, but like your whole family's good. Well, you could help other humans. But like, I'm a fucking, I'm a selfish piece of shit, man. I literally, like, you know how I be. I'm a big softy. I literally think every day I imagine the scenario in which Palmer dies, and I can't, I know I can't handle it.

But you can't. I mean, that's the other thing. Do what? But you can. That's the other thing. Sure, I can. I dealt with my granny dying, but I honestly think this will be worse, sincerely. I think this is going to be worse.

Whether it is or isn't, though, you will be fine. You can handle it. Like, I'm not at all, like, trying to say that I'll be cool when Mick passes. I won't be. But like, I guess part of it for me is I've, because I think about him dying so much, I've made a certain amount of peace with it as much as I can. And again, it's, Mick as a dog, you know, he doesn't have consciousness and death is a release in general, even if you've got a good life, you know what I mean? So like, I don't feel like I'm punishing Mick by making that choice. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, he's still going to live the life he was going to live. He gets what fate had in store for him. But now I get money. So that's the selfish part. But the unselfish part is, again, I can help other dogs, other humans. Like you could just, you could do a lot with $20 million fucking dollars, man. Selfishly and for the world. I'm admitting that I'm a selfish piece of shit.

You could do selfish shit with $20 million for the record. You could. But I couldn't have my little buddy back. But you could have 90 little buddies and help them. You know, you could have a sergeant Pee Paul. And you could have a Mick. And you could, you know what I mean? Like all these rescues you could help.

They'd all become your little buddy. And you'd have to, you know, you'd have to deal with all of them passing on to the next life. But you'd also live in your heart with the knowledge that you made their life better. You helped all the little buddies. And that's what little buddy died for. Full circle, little buddy in this scenario is kind of Christ. And you are God giving him up. for everybody else.

Yeah, see, I've always said I couldn't be God. You have always said that. That's the two things that I've known. I would be the worst God. I would be a bad God and you don't generalize birds. That's two things I've always known Corey Forrester to stand for. Yep. Well, I mean, I'm tapped out, dude.

Me too, buddy. I'm thinking about Mick dying now and how he was going to look at me knowing that I would have chosen 20 million over him. I know. I'm sorry for even bringing it up. I just am always curious to hear people's answers. And so far, my sister is the only one who's like, oh, yeah, I would take my dog living forever because me and her very similar. Every other person is like, fuck you're talking about $20 million. God damn. Really? Huh. Yeah. Well, is that because they're like, it's a dog? Is that because they're like, eh, it's a dog? Is that because they're like, eh, it's a dog? No, no. Even people I know who love dogs they think about and they're like, well, here's a. the deal i can get another dog that's the circle of life that money i could do a lot of good with that i

want to ask dj this question but i want him to hear my argument before he answers it well i can tell you right now the number 20 million dollars means less to dj lewis than it does to any other human being i know but the sentence you could save literally millions of dogs and foster them into a good life and in the end of the afterlife means a lot to him. That's true. Again, but if he could get Duke back. Yeah, I mean, that'd be hard. Hey, there's an episode of End of the Abisket where we talk about Duke's passing and DJ had some.

Oh, man, it was a great, it was a beautiful episode. No, I know. I've listened to it. Man, I really wish we had him. That's why I was saying, oh, God, it's just hard for me. I really wish we had him right now because he speaks about Duke's death with a lot of honestly pride and happiness sadness of course too but you know i don't know crazy how spiritual he gets about it people who don't know they were trying to keep duke alive through medicine

and then through holistic and they you know just all the stuff they're doing he was sick and and then finally dj realized he was miserable he being duke he wasn't playing he wasn't living his life he wasn't the dog that he loved so he divided up all of duke's pills in the two piles they They were mostly Doggy Zanax, gave Duke half, and he snorted the other half. Then they went and chased chickens. Duke killed five. And then they did donuts and Dre's car. It's, it's, it's, that is worth way more than $20 million, because.

I think that people, like, obviously DJ Lewis is the fan favorite of this podcast and for good reason. but I don't think I think that's a side of DJ that like for me it's hard to miss because I've known him for a long time but that's the thing that people don't understand about DJ is that however wild and fucking crazy and hilarious he is that more than any other human being that I know he has also in spades the sweetest fucking most insane heart and demeanor of any person that's ever lived I actually I'm going to disagree with you. not on your assessment of DJ, I think people know that almost immediately. I actually think that that's one of the things that make him, but I just don't, because when we have him on, we constantly are talking about all this insane shit and I don't know that it completely comes across. Maybe it does. I think it does. And I think that's also part of what makes him special is that that comes across. I got to go. I don't know. What time is it? No, you good. Go ahead. Babyski. All right, y'all. Thank you. so much.

I'm going to be in Portland this weekend. Opening for Greg Fitzsimmons, it's going to be awesome. I'll be at Helium. You can get tickets at Helium Comedy Club in Portland. You know, just type that in. You guys know how the internet works. I'll be there all weekend. I think it's like $12 or $15.

Come out, man. Come see me. Worth it. Greg Fitzsimmons is fucking hilarious. Exactly. Skip. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go.

Tune in next week. if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless your good night and skew.