wellRED podcast - #158 - Caitlin Weierhauser: The Wolf Owning Loan Shark
Episode Date: February 26, 2020This week the boys got to sit down with the hilarious Caitlin Weierhauser and listen to them talk about (among other things) growing up in rural Oregon, selling church merch, owning wolves, and steali...ng from predatory lenders! wellredcomedy.com for tickets to shows!
Transcript
Discussion (0)
And we thank them for sponsoring the show.
Well, no, I'll just go ahead.
I mean, look, I'm money dumb.
Y'all know that.
I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life.
And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion.
Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing.
But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.
It's just like, you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending.
A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis.
I'm not going to lie.
I can be one of those people.
Like, let me ask you right now.
Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people.
People across the ske universe, I should say.
Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?
Do you even know?
Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery?
Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main?
Because that's a thing that we do in this society.
Do you know how much you spend on that?
It's probably more than you think.
But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better.
And it's called Rocket.
money. Rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions,
monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket money
shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a
subscription, you don't want any more, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays
out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days.
In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create custom budgets based on
past spending. Rocket money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled
subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.
I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language
learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should, I should know Spanish.
I'll learn Spanish. And I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing.
any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that.
Also, a fun one I'd said it before, but I had a, I got an app, lovely little app where you could,
you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that.
So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like
twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies, you know, those weren't a little like
the cue ball looking twin fellas.
Yeah.
So that was that response to?
What was that a reply gift for just when I did something stupid?
Something fat and stupid.
Something both fat and stupid.
But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten.
If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.
So shout out to them.
They help.
If you money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help.
So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney.
Go to RocketMoney.com slash well-read today.
That's RocketMoney.
money.com slash well r-ed-d rocketmoney.com slash well-read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.
They're the...
Hello everybody. It's your boy the show. Corey Ryan Forster here. Wellredcomedycom. W-E-L-R-D comedy.com. That is where you can find out where we are going to be on our 2020 tour. And speaking of which, I should have it pulled up here. Here we go. March 12th of the 14th, Raleigh, North Carolina, March 27th.
New Orleans, April 2nd to the 4th, Indianapolis, Indiana, April 16th to the 19th, Washington, D.C., April 25th, we're back in Atlanta, Georgia, May 8th, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
Fuck, I need to buy tickets.
May 9th, Seattle, Washington.
June 20th, we're going to be a part of the Minneapolis Comedy Festival with Burt Crisher, Whitney Cummings, Nick Offerman, and Jeff Fucking Fawkesworthy, one of our heroes, along with many others.
Jesus Christ, Jeff Foxley, I cannot wait, man.
So grab tickets at well-read comedy.com.
You can also check out our merch store, grab some sweet t-shirts and hats and our book,
The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, and our album, Well-Red, live from Lexington.
This week on the podcast, we were joined by the very funny Caitlin Warehouse, sir.
Caitlin is a very funny comedian.
You have seen them on the late show with Stephen Colbert, and also in the movie Timmy Failure,
where they play Flow, which is streaming on Disney Plus right now.
We talked about a lot of things, including being a horse girl in Oregon,
and also being a lone shark and stealing from predatory lenders.
So listen up.
Skew!
They're the liberal rednecks day like cornbread but sex.
They care way too much, but don't give a fun.
They're the liberal rednecks that makes
Some people upset
They got three big old dicks
That you can suck
Oh, here we are, everybody
Me and Drew are in studio, Corey's with us live from Georgia.
Join today
We are fortunate to be by the illustrious
Caitlin Weirhauser
Where?
Warehouser.
I knew that's right you dress like that.
You're a warehouser.
I dare you.
First of all, talk more shit.
I will steal your wife.
I know you will.
I think I, you know how the, we were talking before about, uh, RuPaul, scaring Jimmy Fallon.
Uh-huh.
We'll tell the story briefly.
I think I just did it to Trey.
I don't, maybe he didn't know, like, how close to her were, but maybe not, but you looked at me like, why the fuck would you insult her outfit immediately?
No, no, I was, I was a, I was trying to understand.
You mean, like, I don't know, a warehouser.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's a warehouser.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, right.
I get it.
Yeah.
A lot of wear things where you're from, I would imagine.
It seems like a place.
You're from rural Oregon.
Very rural.
Seems like there's things that turn into animals there and stuff like that.
I was raised with two color wolves.
When you say with, that's a preposition.
We'll talk about pronouns later.
I want to talk about prepositions right now.
What do you mean with two color wolves?
I grew up in a family with two red wolves and then my mom died and my dad thought it'd be real good for us to have a hobby or like an activity.
So he bought us a wolf puppy.
I'm sorry.
Your mom died.
You're so wolf.
Oh, yeah, I was six.
It was difficult.
I was in the car.
It's bad.
My dad got us each
a gray wolf puppy,
and he was like,
there you go.
Absolutely.
That was about saying,
you will raise it yourself,
you will feed it yourself,
and when it dies,
you will bury it yourself.
Yeah.
And I did.
What was yours called?
Gracie, I named her after my grandma.
Well, that's cute.
She died in a house fire.
Your grandma?
Mm-hmm.
There is nothing that's not,
That's not tragic about my family.
Dig in, I dare you.
Well, okay.
So you said we had two red wolves.
Yeah, those are the ones I got raised up with.
I got pictures of me learning how to walk by grabbing on the wolf back and like pulling
myself up.
They were my little toddler walkers.
God damn.
Literally raised by wolves.
Yeah, with, with wolves.
Well, right.
Yeah, you got to get your prepositions.
She and the wolves were raised by the wolf.
The other wolves.
Also, my brother got to name our little baby wolf.
They got born.
one that we can keep out of the litter and he named that wolf big bird.
All right.
Because he was seven.
Yeah.
And that wolf just got named big bird for all of our life.
Was it a red wolf or yellow?
Yeah.
That's not a yellow wolf.
Yellow wolf.
There's like very light wolves.
That's a fox.
That ain't a wolf.
There's a rapper named yellow wolf.
That's true.
How do you know about that?
He's a white trash.
Yeah, he's like the biggest white trash rapper there is other than them and them.
and we white trash up in here.
For the records.
Well, you know about that.
Yellow Wolf was almost.
Yeah, yellow wolf.
Just white trash stuff?
A yellow wolf concert?
Doing meth outside of Yellow Wolf concert.
We were on a show and I think we just overheard each other's like redneckery.
We're like, you're white trash?
I'm white trash.
I think I thought you were just getting on my wife.
Yeah, probably.
But I was like, you were just talking to us both and you were like, yeah, yeah, no.
I'm also from like the middle.
And I was like, oh.
Oh, it's not.
not what this usually is when I see a beautiful woman hanging out with my wife with that haircut.
And yeah, we just white trashed it up.
You can't say Caitlin, she does have a fairly aggressive haircut.
I cut it myself.
Thank you very much.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I re-watched your Colbert this morning.
That's the only prep I did, by the way.
You can believe in yourself.
You can do it.
I'll teach you.
All right.
Does that the haircut when you went on Colbert?
I rewatch it this morning.
It's the only prep I did for this interview.
I was like, well, I know of it, let me just make sure there's nothing I forgot or whatever.
And literally my second thought on the rewatch was, God, her hair looks fucking great.
I went professionally at a fade for TV.
Oh, okay, okay, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's like...
But the quoth?
Yeah.
The right word?
Do you style that yourself or do you just have a natural oil thing?
No, I just hire the hair the closer to Jesus, and we know the rules.
We don't know the rules, but Trey and I don't use shampoo hardly ever anymore.
Yeah.
And it's turned his hair into just this most luscious LA thing.
I know, look at this.
Right now, it looks terrible.
I took a very haphazard shower and, like, was running late in my way over here, so it's probably not hitting right now.
I played basketball and didn't bathe.
Yeah, I know.
But you also got a dirty-ass t-shirt out of your trunk.
I was like, she was like, did you just come from basketball when we walked up?
And I was like, yeah.
Because he looks like it.
I changed shirts, though.
Don't worry about it.
He kind of always looks like that.
And then I go, well, but this shirt was the shirt.
was the shirt I wore last week to play bad.
It was also residing the truck of my car.
Cool.
Okay.
Cleanliness, godliness.
Go on.
Wolves.
You grew up from birth to adult...
Birth till 10.
The middle of nowhere.
Birth till 10 in Douglas County in Oregon.
Yeah, right on the Umpqua River.
Out of the goddamn nowhere.
Out in literal woods.
I love that a common rural thing is when you say the county.
County.
That's unincorporated.
That's everywhere.
What was after 10?
We moved to Pleasant Hill, which is like kind of a rural suburb outside of Eugene, like 15 miles outside Eugene.
So I went to what was in comparison, like a big school in comparison to where I grew up.
But we also got to bring one of the wolves and my horse.
And as I was going into fourth grade, I found out about horse girls.
Yeah.
And I thought, ooh, you have to understand how much I thought I was going to hit with.
horse girls because I was like oh they have no idea yeah I got a literal horse at home and then they
did nothing but talk talk shit and make fun of me because I smell like horse well they ain't really
got that life then they're not they're fakers yeah it's like that's what you have in
Oregon instead of like fake goth chicks yeah who like who like who don't actually cut themselves or
like Marilyn Manson they just love hot topic you got fake horse girls yeah my little pony ass shits they're
very judgmental and I do
do not like them. No, they would make fun
of me because I would smell like horse feeding horse shit
on the way to school, but I'm like, I
just literally fed my
horse. Right. Do you want
to talk? Yeah. And they're like,
never. I've put together horse girls
in my head through context clues, but please
explain to me what the fuck that is. They would just play
a lot of... They would just play a lot. Yeah,
in elementary and junior high, they would just play a lot in the field
and they were just like gallop around like horses. It was like
pre-furrie. It was just like pre-furry before
furry was a thing.
I thought you meant a different thing.
I think I did too.
What did you think?
Well, I think you, okay, you're either fucking with us completely in a titan, and it's hilarious.
Or you do mean what I thought they just also played as if they were horses.
Yeah, and they just want horses.
Okay, horse girls are, they're like every, they wear jackets with horses emblazoned on the back of them.
Hell yeah.
Always have, like, you know, tassels on said jackets.
They have like little chotchkes, little thing, you know, of horses all over everything.
Like, if they got to office and shit is filled with horse shit.
There's a velvet horse painting.
Posters.
There's a reason for that.
Everywhere.
Okay, but.
In my opinion.
I didn't know they, like, pretended to be horses.
Bitchy as hell.
And apparently, they're total bitches.
We've talked about this in this podcast.
I don't know if you can say it.
I'm that I can say.
They're like.
Horses are sexy.
Are they?
They're so.
They're not.
They shit bigger than your head.
They're not.
So does everyone you've ever fucked in your whole life.
Wait, sorry, Corey, what?
What?
I just, you again with wanting to fuck horses.
It's the thing.
I don't think I want to fuck horses.
I think I want to watch horses fuck.
Oh, boy.
But listen, you said they take a giant shit.
Every person you've ever fucked, Kaylin, takes giant shit.
Not the size of your goddamn head and you have to shovel it out of their fucking stall or whatever.
You're fucking the wrong people.
Also, it's a whole.
Like the poop don't got to factor into it.
Listen, you guys can argue with all you want.
All right.
I'm not saying I want to fuck a horse.
Like, okay, that's funny.
Yeah, we're a comedy podcast.
But literally, girls are obsessed with them.
They put them on the cover of every single romance novel.
They're handsome.
You imagine my heartbreak for having an actual horse and being like,
I'm going to be the most popular bitch in this school.
That's why you thought that because everybody was in the horses.
That's why girls are into them.
You know the reality.
You had to live with the horses.
Exactly, feeding him alfalfa every day.
Exactly.
The idea of a horse is sexy.
Yeah.
And they're handsome.
All right.
Right up to the line.
Shit.
I don't know about that.
Yeah, I just don't.
You know, I don't see it.
Apparently it's just me.
You and me.
I mean, I liked him when I had him, but I wasn't trying to fuck them.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm not trying to fuck them.
Let that be on their record.
It sounds like you're trying to fuck them.
I don't.
I'm acknowledging.
that they have a masculine energy that I could see
somebody wanting to fuck. We had a mare.
It's a lady horse. They all have a masculine energy
that I can see someone who's going to fuck. I'm not
saying, you're a lady wolf, but I mean,
you know what I'm saying? Come on. I'm not saying
that this explains horse girls
either. I don't know, but
like the romance novel part of it
or whatever, I don't think it's because horses are sexy.
I think it's like through all history, like
you know, road horses
in romance novels? Warriors.
Fucking manly ass, man. Like,
Warriors,
knights, knights and then cowboys and shit.
So, like, they're, like, associated.
They also rode elephants back in the day, but they don't be putting them on fucking
movies and shit.
Not like, not as ubiquitously as fucking horses.
That's a very niche romance.
Yeah, very.
India.
Tushar probably has a copy of that.
I know, yeah.
The world's second largest population.
That ain't niche at all, motherfuckers.
That's true.
Riding elephants in the battle is a goddamn thing.
I now want to ask Tushar if they have elephants on the cover of their romance novels.
You're going to text them.
Text him asking.
Find out.
Do you know, Toeshire, sing, you're in Alabama comic.
No.
He's a wonderful guy.
I like that.
So you...
Tushar, do they be wanting to fuck?
That's not.
Anyway.
So how many brothers and sisters do you have?
I grew up with a biological sister who passed away, and then a biological brother
who's bigger and me, meaner in me.
It taught me how to fight.
And then I have two step sisters.
Okay. Is that who you fought?
Yeah, mostly.
So is your dad, I don't know anything about your dad at all, other than...
My dad is wild.
Okay, right.
Here's the things I know about your dad.
He lived in the middle of nowhere in Oregon.
Yeah, moved to slightly less middle of nowhere, Oregon.
Gave you a wolf for your sixth birthday, and that's it.
But I still feel like, you know, in my...
So, I mean, is he like this fucking wild-ass mountain man?
No.
You know what the craziest part?
Okay, two things.
One, he grew up in California, surfing.
He and his brother were real close.
He and my uncle were really really close at age.
And they were like, surfer, cool dudes, going to concert, smoking weed, having a great
California time.
Filling every day.
They shared a car that kept lighting on fire, which was like an ongoing joke through
their, like, teenage years.
And then they got a hold of, like, some weird hippie stuff.
So, like, a couple of their friends died from drug overdoses.
and then they got a hold of Christianity.
A hippie version of it?
Yeah.
And then they moved to Oregon to like plop their land and like stake their claim or whatever.
And then my dad built our house and then my uncle built his house on like adjoining properties.
And they were like, we're cowboys or whatever.
So we literally grew up going to rodeos and stuff.
Which is funny if you remember that they're still surfer dumb ass dudes.
And they acted like that?
Fully.
Full cosplay.
full commitment to the bit.
Did they become that?
At some point you know how to rope and ride.
Yeah.
And we grew up going to real, real fundamental Baptist Church, evangelical.
Oh, boy, we wouldn't prophesize to the people.
Was that after your mom?
Before or both?
Before.
Before she died.
When she died, we got out of the church for a number of reasons, but like one of them was
hating God.
Yeah, most of that.
Was that the pastor at the time.
I chose my mom's memorial to take it upon himself to like have like a real come to Jesus.
You know, get fire in your brimstone stuff.
Yeah.
And we all thought that was tacky as fuck.
They did that at my papawls.
It was so tacky.
Yeah.
How'd your papal die?
Oh, emphysema.
And he also did drugs for years.
But I mean, you know, it definitely was the right platform.
He had the right audience that needed to hear the situation.
Do you know what's not the right platform?
He did a whole thing.
The preacher did a whole thing on like the dangers of meth and stuff like that.
It's like, yeah, dude, we know.
But Jesus Christ.
That's appropriate, though.
Do you know it's not an appropriate platform?
When she's 37 and died freakishly in a car accident, total freak accident.
And the pastor was like, no, this is the time.
Was the theme, you just never know when your time's going to come?
And Jesus got a plan for you, so you better get right with God.
And then we were like, Jesus did do it.
Yeah.
Wow.
But just a cool way to grow up and deal with grief.
I know.
But yeah, we were in Winnebago for like a year and a half of my childhood,
traveling across the country with the church troop to sell my, our pastor's sermons on VHS tape.
And guess who bought them?
Fucking nobody.
We got as far as like South Dakota and we're like, we're out.
This is bullshit.
We had to leave.
We like abandoned the bandwagon.
When was that?
I was five, four and five.
We spent that year on the road.
My little sister got potty train in Winnebago.
And those pictures are cute as fuck.
Her learning to use a toilet.
That is super cute.
It's real cute.
But yeah, we were part of a whole evangelical group.
I joke about how many times I got baptized, and that is 8 or 9,000.
I loved it.
I was obsessed as a kid.
Is that how, is that a, I don't, I don't tell.
I'm very, I'm very church dumb.
It's like, I just grew up completely absent that.
but I didn't know.
I thought that was a one-time deal.
I thought I did too.
Oh, you can just keep going back.
Wait, if you just like it, if you just keep telling him you want it.
Oh, yeah, no, that checks out.
Like, it didn't take.
I didn't really believe earlier.
My bad.
You get to be the center of attention.
Everybody sings a song.
You get to go swim and you get to wear a swimsuit to church.
It's dope.
It's fun as hell.
So I volunteered every time.
Every fucking Sunday.
You're just like, I think I need to fill the spirit again.
Yeah, we literally went to River.
Yeah, we did too.
And our pastor cosplayed as John the Baptist.
We did that.
Fucking nerds for Christ.
The place I got baptized is the, not the place I lost my virginity, that was my basement.
But it's the place where, like, I learned how to have sex.
Like, the place I got baptized is where I would sneak off to have high school sex at.
In the pool?
No, just like on a rock nearby.
Oh, okay.
Gross.
You're right.
But so you left the church.
How old were you when your mom had her accident?
Six.
God damn.
But wait, you said you left the church shortly after that happened.
Yeah, the pastor.
You did and never went back.
No, the whole family, the whole family kind of was like, we're done.
Yeah.
And you never went back.
No, we continue to get raised, like three of us kids, uh, continue to get raised by a lot of the church community.
Like, they came in and like, took care of us and made sure that we had.
We stayed with them for a long time.
So my dad lost his ever living mind.
Rightly so after his wife died.
Uh, so yeah, we were kind of like loaned out to church family for a long time.
And we just stayed with like our little friend, like church friends.
Did you still go to church on Sundays because they were going to church?
Yeah, as long as they were going, we were going.
But then, yeah, my dad was just like, I don't really care to.
Yeah, he was fully lost.
And then we didn't really have to after that.
And then he married a crazy lady.
It got worse.
There's no part that's not dark.
All right.
Well, he left eventually.
Where'd you go?
To Elkden and then Drain, and then he met a lady that worked at a,
doctor's office who was self-prescribing herself goddamn drugs, you know, pill billies.
And he married her because she worked at the doctor's office and that felt convenient.
Yeah, sounds convenient.
She had two daughters and then we had like a bigger family after that.
And then she just was busy with paranoid schizophrenia and a bunch of other mental disorders.
And then he stayed married to her for about six years.
And then that's the second time I lived in a trailer.
is when that divorce hit.
Mm-hmm.
And she put, what's called,
uh,
restraining order.
Mm-hmm.
Because my dad,
that also affected us kids,
so we had to go live in a goddamn fifth wheel again.
But the worst part was it was just down the street from our actual house,
which is embarrassing as fuck to get picked up by the school bus.
Yeah.
That goes to your actual house and then turns around and comes pick you up,
four doors down at your stupid ratty-ass trailer.
That's embarrassing.
embarrassing as fuck well all right I imagine talking about nicer things well I don't know
what I was about to ask I don't know about it but we get very curious about it though but I don't
know that's going to be nice well like you got all that shit going on already sure you mentioned
the issues with the horse girls or whatever but I'm just wondering you know what like school like
school and shit was like for you growing up there and then high school and all that was it also
terrible or like pretty bad in my first three years elementary from first or third grade we were
known as them kids whose mom died yeah and so they never did anything to us so we could run why we didn't
we never got in trouble they were we were literally regarded as those warehouseer kids they got wolves
they got a lot going on yeah yeah yeah so we never got in trouble and then we switched schools
and then it didn't go good also i had tricketella mania from the time i was six to about 19 and that is
a compulsive disorder where you pull or chew your hair off because you're just dealing with some
real fun trauma okay uh so yeah i didn't make a ton of friends uh-huh i was a weird kid that pulled out
all my eyebrows and the hair on the back of my head uh until i came out when was that 19 19
were you still up there or had you gone somewhere no i left where where did you go i went to college for
like a semester it didn't take yeah where at uh western oregon
University in
Monmouth,
Gray County,
bullshit,
garbage town.
And then I was like,
I'm by,
but I think we all knew that.
And then I left
and I moved to L.A.
At 19?
Yeah.
Oh,
okay, right on.
At 20, yeah.
And started comedy here?
No.
I didn't start comedy until I was 30.
And not here.
I started here now.
Yeah,
yeah.
I live here now again.
Right,
yeah.
So,
okay,
you came here at 20,
but didn't start
comedy here.
Mm-mm.
He ended up going back to Portland and then started up there.
Yeah, I moved to Vegas for seven years.
I lived in Portland for like a year.
I lived in San Francisco for two.
And then I moved back to Portland to start comedy.
Okay.
Do you feel that it's like a wanderlust type thing?
Are you just kind of that person blowing on the, you know, the wind?
Or is it like you just...
I don't.
Grew up selling VHS is out of the back of Winnebago.
Yeah.
I'm capable.
I'll go wherever I need to go.
You start to reach...
It could have been work, I guess, at some point...
Yeah.
Also, I think L.A. is the greatest city in the world.
Like, I don't want to live anywhere else. I'm good.
Okay.
I'll visit New York as much as I can.
Did you feel that way at 20? No.
Okay.
No, I was just, like, desperate and homeless and living in people's vans and garages.
Really?
Yeah.
Stealing from 7-Eleven.
Fuck yes.
Yeah.
And...
Hell yeah.
Fuck them.
I have no idea, you know, I'm going to ask this the broadest way possible.
How do you get out of that?
your brother
shows up
after a meth-addled
career
and scoops you up
and puts you in Vegas
helped me get to Vegas
and when I got to Vegas
I accidentally became a lone shark
at a paid a loan place
and then they
yeah
did you say accidentally
did you still have the wolf
is that why they hired you?
No, just oopsie-doodle
I get into loan sharking
and then
They put me in charge of four offices and I was busy being 21.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I guess I'm not surprised what's coming from those places, but.
I'm a little surprised, 21?
I mean, no, no, it's crazy regardless, but I'm saying.
Yeah, it's not a good industry.
I said it paid okay to be in charge of four.
Stealing pays.
Yeah.
Well, I know it paid them very well.
I mean, I can't believe they gave that job to a 20-year-old because I assume there were 35-year-olds who wanted it.
Oh, yeah.
And my boss was like 50.
And then he just got like bought out.
So yeah, I was in charge of four payday loan stars.
And then I got a good union job on the strip.
And I started working at like Hotel Flamingo, Hua, on the strip.
And then I got into software.
And then I did software for a long time.
And that got me to Portland and that got me to San Francisco.
And then I rage quit a software career at the age of 30 at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday.
They hate that.
When you're salary and you're like, I'm not showing up tomorrow.
I do not give a shit.
but my sister died.
And so I had a full breakdown and then moved to Portland and was like, fuck it, let's try comedy.
Is that a thing that you had been like mulling over for a long time?
Or were you like, did it just occur to you one day?
And you're like, fuck it, why not?
My grief therapist, I had to go to a therapist to try to get my brains back in order after my sister died because I lost my ever-living mind.
We got raised real real close.
We were only like two years apart.
And we got raised like twins.
So when she died, I lost it, fully lost it.
And I was, my parents insisted, my dad insisted that I go see grief therapist.
And I was like, sure, why not?
I don't give a shit anymore.
And the therapist recommended stand-up comedy, which I felt was wild.
Really?
Your grief therapist told you to do comedy.
They should be fucking fired.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Her name was Colorado, if that means any sense.
So we were thinking we'd just add a whole bunch of more grief and maybe that would cancel out this current grief.
Let's give it a try. Roll the dive.
You think you've experienced pain?
Try this on.
Maybe it was like a gratitude thing.
It was like you should be grateful for how fine your life is.
I would just be weeping.
I would just be weeping in session just talking about family and everybody that's already died.
On stage?
No.
In therapy.
Well, she's like, oh, you'll fit in with these people.
And then she piped up with, have you thought about stand up?
No.
bitch could you see on topic it also is funny because she's it's like she's saying to you
told everybody else this stuff yeah it's like it's kind of it's also kind of like she's saying you're
like listen i probably shouldn't say that your problems are hilarious but like
you're killing which hurts just sitting there all time like just like that's terrible oh wolf
big bird big bird red wick but the wolf died in a motorcycle accident that was tough that was my act
God damn it
She only lost the leg
She didn't die
I think I know the story
She didn't die
We bought her socks
She lost a leg though
Yeah she did
She got her leg off
We bought her a bunch of socks
Corey
Really funny socks
We're like two for one
Betcha yourself for life
Did you like stand up immediately?
No
Also had it ever
It was desperate
Okay
So it had never occurred to you before
Before she said
that and you were like fuck it why not had you done me emceeing and then and you hated it
yeah because it went but poorly the first yeah no yeah I mean and not only is your first you know
like year of stand up but your first 8000 instances of stand up are the most desperate sad
horrible experiences of your life but when you have nothing else you have this like fuck it
why not this why not this so you like I at least I think I had
like the advantage of starting when I was 30 and having some like life experience.
Right.
And also having a full like, I don't give a fuck.
I could die tomorrow and God bless me if I could.
Yeah.
Also like you got a pretty deep well.
Yeah.
That you're dipping that bucket into.
Shit to talk about.
Yeah.
So, okay.
How long?
Was it one of those deals were like it just clicked or was it like?
Like gradually, and so at a certain point you realize like, oh, this is, I'm getting better at this.
Like, how does it?
I'm just dumb as fuck.
And I approach everything with like a badger like tenacity.
And this was just another thing to fucking nail.
Uh-huh.
This was just another thing to accomplish, like, to get on top of.
And that's how I had approached every other job that I'd had.
But why didn't you rage quit it like you did the other one once you started?
Because I started hitting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you were hitting at me in a software.
It took me up.
Yeah.
No, uh, implementation.
I was like a trainer.
You were doing well at that.
Yeah, they would send me out to client sites to teach.
And you sounds like you were a successful loan shark.
Yeah, it was pretty good at that.
It was pretty good of stealing.
It was pretty good of stealing.
And horses and raising horses.
I'm saying just getting good at it isn't to me the full.
I mean, you like it now?
You love it.
It's what?
Yeah, that's all I, it became an obsession for five years.
I tried to date for a little bit when I first started to get into it about a year and a half
after I lost my sister.
I tried to get back into dating.
And I had like two girls.
Needed some more grief.
That's exactly it.
Thank you.
And I had one girlfriend after another and I was like, oh, I'm a shit partner.
Like I am not a good girlfriend.
And then I stopped dating for five and a half years.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Is that too pre?
Where is that in your timeline?
Are you dating now?
Are you saying this ongoing thing?
I'm kind of and I'm kind of out of it again now too.
It's exhausting.
It's dumb.
Oh, I'm not.
Y'all are terrible people.
Right.
Well, I don't, we've taught, that was on here, a recent episode we were talking about how, like, I don't, like, I have no envy or jealousy whatsoever for people that are in the, the dating scene.
Like, I, like, kind of frightens, confuses, and does not at all interest me, you know?
Like, I don't want, I don't want nothing to do with it.
When you see that trope of, like, a merry guy being, like, you don't know how good you got it to a single dude, like, obviously the first thing I think is like, well, this is safe.
This dude's clearly unhappy.
But the second thing I think is, you're stupid.
You're so dumb.
It's a complete opposite for me, man.
I got a couple of divorce buddies.
And some of my friends like, oh, yeah, they're out there finally living the dream and shit.
And I'm like, buddy, it does not seem like the dream at all.
Like, I'm totally fine with not going out and doing all that shit.
Like, that seems like a fucking nightmare.
It's terrible.
It's real bad.
Yeah.
Also, what a fun exhilarating time to just take your life in your goddamn hands anytime you're going to meet a
stranger from the internet be like, I could die today.
No, yeah, that's right.
That's another part of it.
I mean, I guess dating is always about, like, by necessity, it's been mostly people
who don't at first know each other, but it seems much weirder now to me with the apps
and all that shit.
It's like, I don't know.
It's like ordering something off Amazon.
I know what you mean.
It can be anyone.
It's a person.
I know what you mean about by necessity.
It's almost always been kind of strangers, but I feel like back in the day, it was like,
it was somebody who knew, like, you would be like, oh.
Oh, Trey, I'm going on a date with that person you told me about.
And then if I die that night, you might know who did it.
You know what I mean?
Like there was some sort of social knowledge.
Right.
We don't have that now.
They were connected somehow.
Somebody set them up.
Your parents knew each of whatever.
Yeah.
You all go to the same church or whatever.
Also the idea of like, what did they do?
Yeah.
The idea of giving your phone number to like a stranger at a bar is absolutely insane to me.
I would rather meet somebody off an app that at least I can like vet.
You know what I mean?
And test a little bit.
Yeah.
At least there's a paper trail.
Exactly.
Corey gets it.
There's CSI.
They can track this.
I kind of want to know a little bit more about the fucking payday loan stuff.
Oh, sure.
Because I, like, and I, you know, A, you're 20 or 21 or whatever.
Yeah.
You're kind of, you know, a bit of a vagabond, sounds like at this time.
I don't at all begrudge you getting and taking that job.
That's a bad job.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean, I have nothing but disdain for those places, but I'm actually really interested to hear a little bit about the internal workings of them.
You should know the house that I moved into blind. When I moved to Vegas, I'd never visited Vegas before.
Yeah.
It was fellow Oregonians, and God damn it, we do band together.
Anyone's in need? And they're like, Oregonians.
We're fighting the government. You guys band together all the time.
We do one of two things, and it's a white's only state.
or it's a BDSM Dom and his witch wife who has two ferrets and that's the house I moved into.
And then, yeah, I got hired this loan.
Was her name Topal?
No.
She was like moon cat.
Moon cat.
Yeah.
She was a literal witch, though.
There was ferrets in the house, which I, it's the first of two times that I've lived
with ferrets.
Of course it was
Fucking hate him
Yeah so I got hired at this
Lone Star
And then I have never had a job in my life
That I didn't steal from
Because I've never been punished
For stealing before
And I just got better at it
And then given the opportunity
To then be in charge of like
An entire financial
Database
I just got better at stealing
And I got to be friends with my clients
And so I would like swipe their
Fees off as best I could
And like work the book
So I got really good at bookkeeping
In the wrong way
which I still do bookkeeping to this day.
I would say this is the right way.
At that place.
Given the context of what you're doing there.
I still do bookkeeping today.
I'm real good at it.
Oh, I'm picking up where you're putting it.
Absolutely.
I'm creative with the books.
I do whatever is needed for a small business.
But yeah, I got really good at thief and stealing and working the books over because I became
friends with the clients.
And then they just kept putting me in charge of the offices that they kept buying them.
because like one company will just like buy out the other and it's just like constant like process
because nobody's ever doing good until like a national brand comes in and then buys you out
completely and that's when I left.
See it's so that's weird to me because like I've I just always assumed that they had this
business model that was like super easy if you were down with, you know, the the grimy aspects of it.
I say that because like living in, you know, you.
you know, rural Tennessee during like economic downturns and shit.
Oh, sure.
The only fucking businesses that would even stay open were dollar stores and like payday loan
places, you know, and like for obvious reasons.
But they were like, and there would be a small town and there would be fucking eight or nine
of those.
Different brands of them too.
Right.
And so it just always made it seem to me like that's a thing where like it's like it's a, it's a
grifty type thing but like if you
predatory it's predatory
but if you don't care about that you can
make easy money doing that if you want
to is how what I just
always assumed but you're saying like they weren't
really they weren't really doing very
well they weren't really making much profit for the
most part I mean they make hell of profit but you still
get just paid an hourly rate and so you like I don't know
for me it was like a very much Robin Hood situation
with like I hate this business model this
is garbage I see this and I deal this at
21 year old being like
I'm going to see if I can break it.
But we thought you were saying it was hard for the businesses to stay afloat.
Oh, fully.
Because they keep getting bought out.
So we were bought out three different times in like two years.
By just bigger loan places?
Yep, yep, yep.
Okay.
And every time they bought us out, we were just like surrender the books, and they'd never looked at them, and they would just absorb all the accounts.
Well, one of the reason they're so popular in rural areas is a lot of people own land or something, and that's what they take.
That's why there's seven or eight of them, even in an economics.
I mean, that's not always the, or they own their vehicles because you live in a rural area.
So, I mean, my brother lost his truck.
Car title.
I worked in that, too.
It was like a three or four-year-old ranger for like $2,000.
I did collections for them, too.
And we didn't know the loan was out.
That's what I was about that is.
Oh, no, they just stole it.
And my dad would have paid it if we had known.
We didn't know.
And they didn't see, they don't want you to know.
Like, they see that my brother goes to jail or whatever.
They look up your address and come and take it.
And they wait until they're like allowed to take.
They don't like contact your dad so your dad can just be like, I'm just going to pay this $2,000 off and keep the truck.
No, because they're going to come up.
Do they, okay.
Was there any kind of, is it literally just like they know the terms when they get this loan?
And if they don't pay it back by the, there's no back and forth that you just collect the collateral at that point?
Yep.
And the, no question.
The fees compound.
and it's something like 3,000% interest on a yearly basis,
but you work it on a weekly, so it looks like less.
Right.
So every loan that you take out,
so you take out like a $200 payday loan,
you pay like $20 a week to have that out,
plus $20 in fees, plus $20 in interest.
So you're paying already $2.80 just to own $200.
Yeah.
If you pay that back, your next payday,
you're still $80 under, like you're still paying $80.
and God forbid you wait to your next paycheck because that just compounds now you're under 160
for $200 taken out.
Okay.
On one that size, I hope this is at all interesting to people.
It's interesting to me.
On one that size, $200, at what point, you said, God forbid, you don't pay it to your next payday.
I know that fees are compounding and you're getting underwater fast, but like at what point do you, you know, pull the card?
Or like, you know what I'm saying?
They don't.
Well, so how do they...
What happens when somebody's just like, look, I ain't got it?
They garnish their wages.
Okay.
They got to go to court for that?
Yep.
Okay.
And they have, like, a lawyer on retainer that only does this one thing.
Can they take your stuff?
Oh, no, it's disgusting.
But that's a slimy motherfucker.
It absolutely is.
So I would go in and wipe fees out because I like people.
Good.
Oh, good for you.
Totally.
Yeah.
Thank God they didn't.
look at the books when they would get bought out because I would have been in literal jail.
Yeah.
You ever been to jail?
No.
No, I am surprised.
I am, listen to me.
I am one of two of 13 cousins that hadn't, has not been to jail.
Oh, yeah.
And I am one of two cousins who's also gay.
So me and the only other gay cousin has not been to jail.
The other gay cousin is the other one who hasn't been to jail.
Does he, she, or they have a cherubic face like you?
you? Yes.
That's what I was going to say.
That helps a lot.
Also, gay, we're busy.
We can't go to jail.
We've got stuff to do.
We have so much going on.
Also, it's fun thing to hold over the family.
It's like, no, we can't come out to grandma, but you know what?
I haven't been to prison.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, right.
You tell grandma that I'm part of that community.
I'll tell them what community you were in.
Community service.
I didn't.
I couldn't remember when I, because I grew up a fucking not knowing shit, poor-ass kid, too.
Didn't know nothing about none of that stuff.
Drugs, tragedy.
Can't touch, can't see you in a dream, frankly.
One of the only people I've ever met.
Actually, Avin Wolves was his dream.
That was the only thing.
But anyway, it's rare that I meet a person who just so far exceeds my own level of tragic trashness.
Shitbaggery.
Yes, shitbaggery, yes.
But anyway, I remember going to college and not knowing nothing about any of that.
And me and my fucking roommates who were all from the same town out,
we're all fucking trash bags, wanted a big sweet TV because, of course,
we did. And so we went to one of those
rent-to-own places. Yeah.
You know, not knowing any, and
we, like, did the math we thought,
but we're all number dumb as fuck. We don't know
shit. And like, we get this big
it was still like when the big screens
were still like projection models, you know
what I mean, big and thick and like not
even that sweet.
Did you go to Rent a Center? Super fucking expensive, too.
Hell yes, they were. Right. Well, so it was
like a regional chain
that was the equivalent of Renton Center
that I can't remember the name of now. But anyway,
our payment, we did the math on our monthly payment we were making on this TV.
They were splitting amongst the household.
And we thought it was a one-year term.
And it was going to end up being like $2,400.
And at that time, a TV like that cost about $1,300.
About $1,400.
So we, and we were like, we were like, well, that's not so bad, right?
You know, because we get to pay it.
We get to pay it off in increments.
That's okay.
So we like agreed and did it.
And then one year later to the day, me and Thompson walked in there with the last payment.
And we were like, yeah, we came to make our final payment to, you know, take ownership of that TV.
And they're like, what are you talking about?
And they got stuff out and showed us.
And they were like, no, it's a two-year term.
We had a whole other year.
So it was going to, if we had continued.
And we told them we were like, come take the motherfucker.
Repo it.
Yeah.
We paid $2,400 for a TV that they came and took back.
But if we would have paid it all, if we'd have, you know, completed it, it would have cost.
$4,800 for that fucking TV.
And that was the first time in my life that I was ever like,
something might right about all this shit.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah.
The world is bad.
Yeah, I started picking up on that type of shit, you know.
I didn't know nothing about money.
For $4,800 now, you could have like 10 better TVs in just random rooms of your goddamn house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mired up with those fancy chairs, too.
The past fucking sucks.
Well, yeah.
It's true.
What about dollar stores, though?
I'm kind of all right with dollar stores.
Fuck, yeah, Dollar Street.
I live across the street from a dollar tree.
You know how fun that is?
Yeah, yeah, they're great.
Dollar stores are cool.
It's my first stop to see if I can get what I need.
I mean, I'm sure there's something nefarious going on with Dollar General.
I don't know what it is.
I don't think they pay their workers all that much, but like, we all seem to be having a good time.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, but that's like join the club.
You know what I mean, like, what is paying their work?
I just mean, like, I don't, I mean, I guess, this thing.
I don't know if this is their fall or who's fault.
But like,
it is like keeping our people eating fucking Doritos instead of fake.
Fake Doritos.
But it's also like.
You're not even made a corn.
You're so right.
But it's like it's fucking food they can afford to buy.
You know what I mean?
And T-shirts they can afford to buy.
I mean,
because of Asian child made them.
Dollar General, DG.
Yeah, DG's got closed now.
I mean, that's the thing about.
Oh, sorry, Corey.
The dollar store is like that.
The dollar store is like that one company where like when you find out they're not
paying their workers.
anything, you're like, well, okay, yeah, but how could they?
Yeah. Where's the profit coming from? With Walmart, you're like, this is bullshit.
Y'all sell regular stuff. Y'all are greedy as shit. But with the dollar store, it's like,
man, I can't believe they're not just fucking volunteer firemen going in there running.
I hear you, but I have to assume, because there's so many of them that they're making
mad money. Fuck, yeah. They teach, dude, they teach Dollar General's business model and strategy
as like a case study in business school.
Yeah. When I went to, I went to school.
and uh braga Walmart's a fucking lofty college boy
Walmart just tried to buy
I'm a fancy ass college
Walmart
I've got a business degree from a fucking
cow college in Coupville Tennessee
My dad got Golden Eagles
Tennessee Texas a cow college
You know about UT Martin's Cal College?
You know about UT Martin's Cal College?
They got cows with holes in them literally
so you can see in there
Let we go with this again
The cross-section
See their fucking horses or cows with holes in them
I don't want to fuck the
cows. They ain't sexy at all.
Too many holes. The Oreo cows, they're
pretty sexy. Those are pretty cool. Yeah.
They're white in the middle. Anyway,
um, what the fuck were you talking about?
Dollar General. They made, they make a shit about
to buy them up. They're based in Nashville.
To get rid of them. Yeah, they're
super successful. Yeah. They could definitely
pay people more. Maybe about to have
to for too long. Also, they're cool as fuck.
It's just watching people steal all day. They're like, no,
go on. Take it.
Because it's not my job.
Corey, do you remember that we were in a
We did Zanis right before Christmas.
I got shamed at a Dollar General.
We were in Zanis right before Christmas in Nashville,
and Zanis is right beside a Dollar General.
And the condo is right there, too,
so we always walked to the Dollar General to get whatever we need at the condo.
I was in there with Corey, and we wanted mixers for our vodka.
And Corey wanted pineapple juice.
Of course we did, because we had seen this dude.
I mean, he has a Dollar General name tag on.
He was at the register and said, what's up, and we walked in.
He not only worked there, but was.
working there. He was on shift.
He's the mayor.
He was the general.
Corey's back there.
Corey's back there. The Dollar General.
This was him.
It was one of his lieutenants actually.
We saluted him. We saluted him. We came in.
It's a dollar lieutenant.
We're back in the back in the juice section,
none of which is actually juice.
It's not juice.
It ain't a drop of juice in the Dollar General. I love when they call it
nectar. That's my favorite.
Nector. Yeah.
A lawyer. A lawyer came up with that.
That's an umbrella.
But it tastes real good.
A lawyer like was looking over the rules and was like, we could call it nectar.
There's nothing in here that says we can't call it.
It's not illegal.
It's not illegal.
We're staying back there.
Corey's looking at like two different shitty pineapple not juices, you know.
And that dude walks by.
He just walks by and he's like, what the fuck is that?
And Corey's like, we're like, I thought it was pineapple juice.
He's like, I don't even know we had that shit.
I love to think that there's a part of the story he's never seen before.
Yeah, right.
I didn't know we had that shit.
It just can't fucking walk.
What the Christ did you find?
Oh, man.
I kind of, this is the type of shit that they'll go after people for in today's day and age.
And they now know which Dollar General this is at.
Yeah.
Can we fix that somehow?
You know what I'm saying?
Like on like Twitter and stuff, somebody's like, what the fuck Wendy's?
I found a finger in my chicken nuggets.
And they're like, what time were you there and what location was?
And it's always because somebody about to get in trouble.
A single one of them is.
A single one of.
all our fans tweets anything about this guy in this location, we will block you on all platforms.
Yeah, everybody, be cool.
Be cool.
Cancel you.
Don't be a snitch.
He's the literal dollar general.
You got to respect him.
You salute when you see him.
Corey, is that how you, that, he, it was some version of that, right?
That's word for word.
Do you think, the fuck is that?
What was funny to me is that he said it, he said it behind me.
And so, like, I was not expecting to turn around and see the dollar.
General.
An employee.
Yeah, like, I was thinking it was just some random person.
I turn around, he's got a name tag on, what the fuck is it?
I think you genuinely blew his mind.
I don't even think he was shaming you.
I think he was like, what the fuck?
Yeah, no.
Did you bring this in here?
Yeah, right.
Do you think the no-limit soldiers work for the Dollar General?
I feel like they do.
That's why there's CET cases where paper on top.
No, I think you're right.
I think he was like, because, I mean,
I was in the moment I was sitting there thinking I can't fucking believe they actually got pineapple juice in this dollar gym
They don't they don't they're like, what the fuck? I didn't know we had that shit
Wow
It's called nectar. It still pretty tastes good
Oh god damn
Well I don't want to just skip over but I do want to talk about the good parts to literally anything else
Well I mean we can we can not talk about you specifically
We just talk about general stuff but I would like to talk about you got a movie that just premiered that you were in
It's the craziest thing
And you were on Colbert.
I was on Colbert.
I was on Colbert.
I got cast in a literal Disney movie.
It's not animated.
They put my whole body in.
And I got to play a biker librarian.
It was barely acting.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
I can see it.
He walked in.
I can see it.
No more auditions.
Literally.
They weren't even casting out of Portland.
I got called in.
Well, that was their first mistake.
Also, you know, the cool.
Yeah, no shit.
That's where you go for Biker librarians.
God damn, Disney.
Yeah.
Fuck them for Cassiana.
LA, New York of London, idiots.
Tom McCarthy was the director of the film.
And if you know, he's the director of Spotlight and the station agent and like a bunch of stuff.
He like co-wrote up.
Really?
Yeah.
What is this?
What's it called?
It's called Timmy Failure.
Oh, yeah.
It's out.
It's on Disney Plus.
Disney Plus?
Yeah.
I saw that.
We got Disney.
My wife's one of those Disney World.
Yeah.
She just got back from Disney World.
In fact.
Wow.
Florida won or the fun.
She went there to run a half marathon.
I saw it.
I saw it on your feet.
Yeah.
And anyway.
Yeah.
Disney Plus.
Yeah.
I've had a three year subscription of Disney Plus since six months before it came out.
Oh, you got Verizon?
Yes, we do have Verizon.
You did that?
That's how I got a year free.
Everyone's like, oh, you got a year free because you were in the movie?
I was like, absolutely not.
That's not how they do it.
I got a year free because I'm on Verizon.
I don't give you anything free.
So I'm going to, my boys would probably want to check that out.
So I'm going to be.
look on the lookout for the biker librarian.
Keep keep going.
It's about a little kid who has like his own little like, like a agency, like a detective agency.
Like he's his own little, he finds out stuff.
Wallace Sean is in it.
Rest in pace.
How dare you.
We had a whole conversation on one episode of this podcast where we all accidentally
believed that he was.
We were talking about how.
how great he is and everything, but we were like, oh, yeah.
That was where we said he had to be dead, because if he wasn't, we'd fucking see him in more shit because of how good he is.
And so we're like, yeah, rest in peace while I was trying to.
People are, like, he's very much alive.
And then we started, like, seeing him and shit again.
And you know he's like smart as fuck?
I mean, I could see it.
You know what he's like learned and shit.
I'm not at all surprised by that.
That is not inconceivable.
Right.
There is.
Learn it is such a great adjective.
I don't know.
I'm never learned it.
I don't know what that word is.
I don't know. I didn't go to college.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Went to college.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
It's an adjective.
I was right.
It's my hesitation.
Well, it's Sean and Craig Robinson are in it.
And that was fun as hell because I'd work with Craig a couple times before, just stand-up stuff.
Yeah.
And he roasted me the entire time we were filming.
Yeah, it was a ton of fun.
But, yeah, I got to film.
How much, like how many?
I'm in, like, three scenes.
Right on?
Yeah.
He's like the, um, he's like the, um, well.
like guiding counselors of school.
He's got a big part.
But we were one scene together.
And that was a lot of fun.
But yeah, he roasted me.
Have you acted otherwise?
No.
This is literally my first acting job.
All right.
From the last time that I dropped out of high school theater.
Do you, did you have that sense of, like, someone is about to come up to me in any
minute and tell me that they made a terrible mistake?
Oh, every second that I was there.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't know if you would because you've done that, like, you've been in multiple positions that would make a person feel that way, I think.
That's my whole life thing.
You're looking around like, do they not know that I shouldn't be doing it?
Yeah, right.
Yeah, someone's going to come get me.
But no, like, because I, I've heard older actors talk about that and say, like, it, whatever.
Yeah, no, I thought I was going to get thrown off set.
I fucked up so much every single day on set I messed up in some kind of way.
Do you know you're not supposed to look at the camera?
We found out that together.
Do you know that they get real mad if you walk into a camera that they moved behind you?
Do you know what the fuck was there when you turn around and you just walk into it?
That's expensive.
Do you know what it's real fun is getting roasted by your 11-year-old coworkers?
If we're not going to act.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's all they got.
And they're so little.
You're like, I'll throw you out of window.
I'll punt your little Disney ass.
There are bombs right there.
No, this is just between me and Chloe.
Yeah.
I'll fucking kill you and save you from getting wine-stained, you little shit.
I probably shouldn't went that far.
I just feel.
I just worry about those.
Disney kids.
Like,
they sound
annoying,
but I also worry about it.
They were cool,
though.
Honestly,
them Disney kids are
pretty cool.
Yeah,
they've seen some shit.
They're very funny.
That,
not that dark
kind of way
in like the 90s
anymore.
You know what?
These are,
these are a new brand.
It's a new generation
of Disney kids.
They're all, like,
very well adjusted.
They all,
um,
like they know stuff.
They will run up and be like,
you got games on your phone.
Oh, yeah.
That's the actual greeting.
Yours.
Where's yours?
Yeah,
they're like,
I'm grounded.
They took my phone from me.
This is bullshit.
You have games on yours?
Let me log into my Instagram really quick.
God damn it.
That's what they do to punish them now,
is take their phones.
We don't want to talk about what they did in the 90s.
Exactly.
Do you think, I mean, in stand-up,
there's a little bit of that still for me.
Like a show I've never been on, I want to do well,
or a comics there that I want to impress or whatever.
I'm like, oh, I'm going to bomb.
Yeah.
So you were talking about actors,
they say that kind of never goes away, right?
Not all of them.
Or like, I've heard some say,
Oh, yeah, you get over it.
I've heard other ones say that they still feel that way all the time.
Are you all doing any acting?
I'm mostly over it.
What?
Are you three all doing any acting?
I did two, I did a small part in two episodes of Veronica Mars when they brought it back.
Hell yeah, not NCIS.
And it was, no, no, not in CIS.
No, they went with a more street-rattie approach to that.
Dope, though.
But, yeah, right.
But, but.
Did you act before?
No, no, not like, no.
Not like that.
Not like that.
Not like that.
Not like that's...
Someone should come and teach you how to be here.
No one does.
The whole time I'm feeling like not only like, oh, they all know.
But I'm also like you said, I don't know how to exist here now.
I don't know what about my body.
At any point in time.
I don't know what to do with my hands except that your whole body.
It's like, is it okay if I stand in this corner for the next four hours or two you do?
Because that's fine with me.
If it's fine with you, like just not having a fucking clue what to do.
My own wife didn't cast me in her award-winning short film.
I would say I don't do a lot of acting.
She was the right move.
That guy was great.
I've done a couple lengthy scenes in some like very, very indie films.
And every time I would get through with my lines and they would be like, oh my God, that was terrific.
my first thought was like, well, this movie's going to fucking son.
Tom McCarthy coming to you and being like, hey, let's just, let's like ground that line and then walks away.
And then you have to be like, hey, pst, get the fuck back here.
What the fuck does that mean?
I had no idea what that name.
Even if they're like, I'm sure there's dickhead directors.
Absolutely.
Were you just like, yeah, sure, okay.
I'm sure.
I tried to pretend once and I got in trouble.
Then I was like, no, get the fuck back here and explain to me.
there's like David O. Russell yelling at legends.
And so I know there's Dickhead directors, but I'm sure there's directors who appreciate you being like, I don't know what you mean.
So I'm not going to waste more of your time pretending to on this fucking take.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I don't know what any of these things.
At one point I was like, explain it to me like I'm a child.
I'll take that back immediately.
All these children are professionals.
And they've been in three movies and 14 commercials and 18 shows.
Explain it to me like, you know, I'm an idiot.
A dumb child.
A dumb, dumb child.
And he was so patient, he was so nice and so good to me.
That was very, very nice, yeah.
And the day it premiered, you said it was okay to ask you about this.
I think this is hilarious.
This is Hollywood.
This is you.
How's L.A. going?
This is how is L.A. going?
The day the movie premiered, what news did you get?
I walked the red carpet, and then I got qualified for food stamps.
Oh, my gosh.
Guess which one I celebrated.
Hell yeah.
Celebrate with what was supposed to be.
pizza rolls or what are we talking about here?
No, I still have to go through the little process.
It's going to my goddamn car, but I was like, who!
Do you think the movie will fuck with that?
No.
Yeah.
Well, that money's gone.
Right, right.
Ben gone.
Ben gone.
You don't get streaming money.
Right.
There's no streaming money anymore.
So if anybody's out there's listening, and this is how everybody back home is,
you know, how's Hollywood going, and they either think you're an idiot and you're
never going to make it, or they see you on TV.
Or they see you on TV one time, and now you're rich.
to them
which is just not the case
Yeah
It just it doesn't
You get you get money
For going on
You know like
Late show whatever
And then that
And they pay for like the flight
And then that money covers
Your week that you spend in New York
Yeah
Right
Because you're gonna spend a week in New York
I mean what are you gonna do
They pay for your flights
You just stay extra
You could eat dollar pizza
But then you'd have a bad set
So by the time you eat a decent
fucking meal five nights in a row
All the money's gone
Of course you didn't
You're a trash
You spent yours on drugs.
We don't talk about that, though.
Hey, hush around.
You are my Republican uncle's
fucking worst nightmare.
She's out there on food stamps,
spending real money on drugs and drag shows.
Those wolves didn't do their goddamn job properly.
Hell's kitchen is an amazing place.
I tell you about these Bernie support and queers, Drew.
Come in here, sit down.
I'm having a great time.
Well, it's almost over, so.
I think she means in life.
But that's almost over, too.
This is almost over.
Now, what do you got to plug?
What you got for us?
How can people find you?
What you just, whatever you got?
At Uncle Kate across all platforms.
Hell yes.
C-A-I-T.
C-A-I-T.
I'll be around Washington the first through the 7th of March,
doing every single brewery that Washington has to offer.
I'll be in Boise and Austin in August.
Hell yeah.
The wonderful Caitlin
Warehouser.
Yeah, you got it.
Yeah.
I'm fucking bumble through it.
Sorry?
We have a lot of...
So much about sad-ass.
Trauma stuff.
We have a lot of mutual friends,
and I've never said your name right
when bringing you up.
But now I think I'll get it
because...
Because like wear a warhol.
Because you dress like a warehouser.
Yeah.
A warehouser.
A wear framer.
All right.
Thank you guys.
We'll see you next time.
Thanks, Caitlin.
Bye.
I love you.
Skew.
Thank you all for listening to.
The well-read show
We'd love to stick around longer
But we got to go
Tune in next week
If you got nothing to do
Thank you God
Bless your good night and skill
Progressive Presents
Precious Moments
Hey Jess, want to come for a ride
On my motorcycle
You know, we can talk about our feelings
And explore our emotional compatibility
I thought you'd never ask
The exchange you just heard
Didn't actually happen
But it could
Bundle your home and other vehicles
with Progressive and you could use the savings
to make sure the motorcycle is always ready
for your dream girl.
So keep the dream alive and the savings coming
with Progressive. Progressive Casualty
Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers.
