wellRED podcast - #226 - If I Could Turn Back Time! (Would I Stop 9/11?)

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

This week the boys talk touring and also discuss time travel!  wellREDcomedy.com for tickets to shows!!

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It's fine. Everything hits. Hey, uh, welcome to here we are as Trey says, the well red podcast, well read comedy.com. W-E-L-L-R-E-D comedy.com. That's where you can. Oh my God. We're saying it. buy tickets to come see us back on the road.

We're booking new dates every day. So if you don't see your city on there, but we usually come there, it's probably a good chance that we're going to. And we're super excited, speaking for myself at least. One of us has been out on the road a little bit, though, in the past couple,

for the past couple weeks. And I've been seeing pictures, and I've just been delighted at the, what seems like pure joy, because I know that this man is not able to fake it. Drew, has the road been treating you and DJ? And the road sucks, but stand-up comedy,

it's still fun boys it's still the most fun you can have without cheating on your wife and getting AIDS but it's it's been so fun me and DJ been closing it out doing stuff together he's been doing we've been so our little cult our little eat fruit Friday some of you out there listening have joined and joined us for our comedy shows we were doing during the quarantine every other Friday he added to that like an art exchange because so many people would send the stuff they made yeah he just started displaying it and talking to the people who made it. We added that to our show instead of merch. DJ's just been dragging this art around. And he led an art parade through Market Square impromptu, trying to find his car that he had lost. And I knew where it was, but he had since moved it and forgotten where he moved it.

So they're just carrying art, just a bunch of people in shirts with a possum on it that say, yeah, yeah, yeah, on them. Following DJ around. Yes, while I follow behind them filming everything. well that is that doesn't sound like waco at all that's uh that's absolutely listen the only difference between a fake cult and the real cause wasn't the FBI shows up the last week and we ain't got there yet so uh we've been hidden it's been a lot of fun i can't wait to get back we should probably

mention something about Atlanta oh yeah we should we should mention something about it yeah uh pretty riven yeah i or bad i start with it ain't but it's not it's not it's not are bad, but we also don't want to bury anybody else. I know. Right, exactly. That's what makes it different. I've been thinking about a way to say it that is true and lets people know what's up and puts us in a good light. Guys, as people go back to work, some people aren't because of not being treated the way they

want to be treated. And we didn't want to be on the wrong side of that. We didn't want to force anyone's, anyway. I think that makes sense. I don't know that that would, like, maybe they're, we don't know. I'll just fucking say the thing. We were going to play the variety theater on July, July 10th. And we are not, was, it is now September the 17th.

And the reason for that is because the variety. I think I've probably done a thing. But regardless of all that, the reason that we're not playing it on July 10th is because the staff at Variety will not be back. And contrary to popular belief, you can't just show up and do a comedy show without a staff. Like you need,

you know, you need somebody to take tickets. You need people to, uh, control the sound. You got to, 17th. September 17th,

we will be at the variety playhouse. The reason that this is so frustrating for a lot of you that are, maybe you're from Atlanta and you've held tickets to the show. This show's been postponed like four times. But that's not, it's the only one of ours that that's the case. It's not like normal to us, but it sucks because not only is Atlanta like, you know,

the capital of the South and was going to be a tremendous place for us to return to. I consider it one of my like in comedy, I've got like four separate homes and Atlanta's always felt like when I'm so like, it's a huge bummer, but like please, y'all, I promise you, it wasn't on purpose, but we will be there September 17th, you know, six days after the holiday, you know, and it'll be fun. There's a, remind me later, I, anyway. Well, actually, I will. I'll just remember to bring it up later.

But, yeah, like Corey said, there's just a million reasons why this particular show getting rescheduled again is particularly frustrating for us. And we want everybody to know it ain't like we didn't want it to happen. At all. It was totally out of our hands completely. However, we are not, we're not saying that the venue fucked anything up. It's just the reality of the situation. It's just what has happened. Again, I think, concessions.

should need to be made for, of course, the circumstances that we are all existing in right now. Everything's like trying to get back to the way shit used to be and there's going to be hiccups and that's really all that has happened here. But it does. We're not any happier about it than I'm sure some of y'all are about it getting moved again. But it, you know, it just is what it is. And it does seem from our end that the venue is doing the right thing. I want to be clear about what I was saying earlier. It's not like a labor dispute going on.

What I was getting at is like, we didn't want to be a. part of forcing that back. I mean, you know what I mean? Like hiring people who weren't the old staff for less money. They're not doing that seemingly. We didn't want to be a part of that. It's just better to wait. Yeah, it just, it's just, you know, it sucks because it's so reminiscent of how

the past year and a half has been where, oh, we think something's great. And then it's not. But, you know, like, it was kind of a flashback of that because like, for real, you know, not necessarily COVID-wise, but at least our careers-wise, it was starting I feel like, oh my God. Like we were watching the ticket sales. We were booking up new stuff. And it was like, all right, man.

You know, the worst part of it's in the rearview mirror. And it is, it very much is. But it's been pushed back again. And yeah, like you said, it's just this whole time, everything. It's just been pushed back so many times and for so long the return to something resembling normalcy. And obviously not just for us, for everybody. And so, and then for us, it takes the form of getting back to shows and stuff like that.

And so for that start. date because Atlanta was the first one for it to get pushed back again even though it's like we're talking about two weeks because Birmingham is now the first shows in there July 23rd and 24th and we're thrilled to be coming to Birmingham. Hell yeah. That's going to be a great welcome back situation as well but it just yeah for it to be the first shows back finally and for them to get moved again and everything it's just it is disappointing but we will be there and it will hit in September. Yeah. And going back brief. to DJ.

We've had people come up from Atlanta. I want to thank him. I want to shout out Granny Beaver for driving from St. Louis. I want to shout out Annie from Alaska, from flying to Alaska to spend a weekend hanging out with folks. We have people come from all over and just another slight. Like this is loaded on the list, but DJ and I've been wanting to do Atlanta,

and I've been waiting until after the well-read show for contractual and just, you know, polite reasons. And now we've got to push that back. But I know Atlanta wants us because I know that some of them drove to Birmingham and I can't wait. Oh, shout out Bobby, freaky tiki for coming from Florida. I don't want to forget anybody. I know a lot of you are already traveling and see us, and this is going to be even

bigger when Will Red starts back up. And it'll be my third show in Alabama in a month. Nice. Yeah, dude, I'm selfishly. I'm pumped for the first like couple of legs of the tours because I'm definitely driving to all them shits. That's super hits for me. Yeah.

But yeah, man, I'm just excited to get back out there. and I'm writing a lot of stand-up right now. I don't know how it's going to go. But I think actually, I'm going to come up in, are you going to be in Nashville next Monday? Let me think about what you're asking me. The 28th? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I might do that new material Monday at Zanis. I think I will be, I got to figure some things out because I'm going to be, I'm doing a show to strip club the 27th in Nashville. Fun. I come up to that. You know, I've never done that. You'd think that I'm either.

That's why I said yes. That's the only reason I said yes. Of course. For people that don't know, that used to be like what standard comedy was. Yeah, that's how Lenox got started. Before clubs, before club, comedy clubs became a thing. And certainly before they became widespread, comedians still existed. And there was a chunk of time there after vaudeville and before comedy clubs becoming widespread where comedians, the standard was you would do comedy shows at strip clubs or burlesh shows or whatever.

You would open up for titties as well. Do you ever see, do you ever hear Leno talk about in, I think when he was in Philly a lot, he used to open like a lot for this same stripper lady. And her whole gimmick was, she's kind of a bigger gal. And she would, she would, she would take a bath in a plastic bathtub on stage. Like that was the deal. But also like, Leno was like a young dude and she was like super motherly and protective of him. And if people heckled him during the show, she would beat.

this shit out of them and then go do like her thing like she would just go like and then just like getting her bathtub to clean the blood off yeah yeah exactly but yeah it used to be that and like the playboy clubs that was a big deal which i mean same thing different kind of gimmick but uh my and all of ran by the mob if you started to hit that meant you were now opening for like big musicians that was also very standard frank sinatra often had comedian and fucking all of them they got smoky robinson fucking glen can i mean any big act yeah bobby slighton used to do like a lot of that shit like that was his guys did fucking brag garrett has some awesome awesomely hilarious stories about doing that shit for a while uh he uh

i mean i'll butcher it but a quick version and only one i remember is he opened for frank sinatra for a while and he just one night after having done it for a little while he just ate a dick one about the crowd hated him as i guess they often did because like they're there for fucking Frank or whatever. Nobody thought he was going to be a comedian? Yeah, no one had any idea. Yeah.

Who the fuck is this guy? You know, whatever. And he was just bombing his ass off one night. And he goes, at the end, he goes, all right.

You know, I was like, okay, listen, guys, make sure and stick around for Frank, okay? And then he left.

And they didn't laugh at that either because they hadn't laughed at anything he had said. But apparently Frank Sinatra had this big fucking gumbole like, more than just like a man, like his right hand man. Yeah, yeah. That dude was connected. Fucking Jackie Fat Fingers or whatever the hell's man was.

I don't remember. Now his birth given name. It's Frank is him and in. See, man. Fat Fingers, boy. Anyway, that guy who's always with Frank Sinatra. He came up to Brad Garrett afterwards. He was like, hey, uh, stick around for Frank.

The fuck is that supposed to me? You know, and he's like, I was just, I was obviously kidding, you know, whatever. And he's like, of course, they're going to fucking stick around for Frank. They came here for Frank. Nobody wants to fucking see you. You think they're not going to stick around for Frank or that fucking bullshit, you know, whatever. And he's like trying to explain to him that it was just clearly a joke.

And he got fired. Yeah. And got moved to the Glenn Campbell tour, I think. That'd been more fun. Yeah. He's like, he's like, you had a seven foot Jew in the redneck or whatever. He's like, Glenn Campbell's son in the first day. He's like, you're good with ponies, right?

right garrett garrett's fucking hilarious he is hilarious he's also one of those that like in any interview or any situation he's just always fucking funny he's also one of those dudes and i kind put just follow me here i kind of put him and jeff goldblum in this category of dudes who when you see them and they're not playing a character or something like that for a second you go oh damn, that's a really good looking dude, but they're so good at playing, like he played Robert, the, you know, I live in my basement of my mom. So you never think, you never think of him like that. And Jeff Goldblum was always playing these weird kind of nerdy dudes.

And but when you, but my point is, Brad Garrett's like, actually a super, super, in my opinion, super tall, dark and handsome guy. That's how good he was at playing Robert. Like I was convinced this dude was a dopey ass loser when realistically, I mean, he was like a six foot five. I mean, you know, hang on, like he looks good. And I,

I feel like Goldman's always been sexy, though. What role? I mean, I mainly. I, yeah, I'm mainly remember Jurassic Park, though. There might be others I'm not remember. No, I think you're right. Like, I think he was all,

like, I was going to say, we are three straight dudes. Yeah. Oh, I think he's. I pressure Cho is maybe the only one who's ever drawn that exact direct comparison. Brad Garrett and Jeff Goldblum

is a very Cho, like, line to draw, I feel like. However, I Google, Brad Garrett, when you said this, just to look at like headshots and stuff, you're right. He is a very handsome guy. But I think what Drew said is accurate, which is that like... Goldblum's always been that.

Has always been considered like weird hot. Okay. He has always been considered weird. I believe you. Adam Driver. And weird at the same time. I think. Is Adam Driver's dad?

Yeah, right. That type of thing. Well, I guess my thing is like, maybe I always knew like, okay, he's considered weird hot, but like, I'm saying like now when I look at him, I'm like, I don't even see the weird. This is just a fucking smoke show. of a man. Have you ever seen him in real life? I didn't need him. You were telling me,

you saw him at the Diamond Lounge. And you were like, man, he's fucking good looking. He looked fantastic. He looked amazing, but he also looked exactly like, kind of wild. I expect Jeff Goldblum to look, like fucking scarves, fucking weird hat and shit. Like, you know, he looked, I don't know, like a French magician or something. I'm going to start doing that.

He looked wild. I don't know if I was about to say something related to that, I don't know if you're famous enough yet. I think you've got to be famous. Not yet. I mean, I'm not like in 10 years. I mean, it might be five. I'm not trying to hold you back, but I'm just saying like,

if I see a guy dressed like that at the airport and it's not Jeff Goldblum or someone on his left, like if I don't know who it is. Unless I'm pretty convinced. But Jeff Goldblum looking like that hits though. Yes. For sure. Thank God. If he was in sweatpants or something, you'd be disappointed.

You'd be furious. Yeah. I saw Lenny Kravitz riding a bicycle in the middle of July, in the middle of the day. through New York, full leather pants, scarf, and like a tobogging on its head. And I was like, yes, that is what he should be doing. He's got to fucking, he's got to keep up, you know. Yeah, no, I agree.

And I mean, I look plenty of ridiculous now at the airport. But, you know, I think in 10 years I'll be due like a little, you know, kind of a gimmick change. And I think that I would hit in a beret. No, you have to be shirtless, a shirt over it open with your belt on. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Glasses. I'll probably have dropped the title by then, don't you think?

I mean, who the fuck am I, Bruno and Martino? I don't be between you and Vince. I don't know. Yeah, I guess, if that motherfucker's still alive in 10 years, good Lord. You would hit, I don't think anyone can name a type of hat that I wouldn't enjoy on your head. That you wouldn't enjoy. That's interesting to say, hold on. Come on now.

He looks good in some hats, and in some hats he looks pleasing to me. Yeah, yeah, like a bowler hat. Sure, but don't most. party hat. That's your appeal. Party hats the best. The things that we enjoy, though, wouldn't most people also enjoy him in those hats? Do you know what I mean?

Because he has that same. That's like his general effect he has it on people. Like to be like, no, look at that. Yes. It still hits. I'm saying there's a line between, oh, that's a hitting hat. You should do that more often or that should be your thing. That's definitely.

Wow, that really hits for me. Yeah, in a picture. We were like doing shows in Wisconsin and we spent like 10 minutes in a truck stop just putting different cheese hats on him because of Wisconsin. So they had all these different styles of hats like fucking cowboy hats and top hats and bowler hats. And they were all made out of cheese.

And we were just putting them all in show's head and just laughing. What's ironic is I think I made us go in there because I wanted nugget. Yeah. Or cheese. Or both. Both. Do you remember in Canada that oil town we were in where we kept putting stuff on his head that wasn't hats?

I got a picture of him with like this cone looking thing, but it was just a decoration. You balance stuff on my head. Yeah, just decorations. Yeah, I remember that. Because we found hats. We found two hats in that green room, in that condo. We found two cowboy hats.

And so we were trying to put him in a hat too. I remember specifically that evening. And the reason I remember that evening is because that was the very first appearance of a character on this podcast that has not been around in a very long time. And that is Mr. But. And also same time, Monshore Dairy Air because we were in Canada. Yeah, less happy. That was the day I found out I got the callback for the Daily Show and then didn't get it two weeks later. But it was a good day that day.

There was hope. Yeah, calm before the storm. Yeah, I was thinking about at the other day that come through, speaking of Dairy Air, it wasn't loud on us. I didn't hear it. I was thinking the other day about how much I missed. openly, openly farting into a microphone in front of y'all. I can't wait till the first well-read podcast we do back together.

I'm certain that there's some long-time listeners that are like, yeah, us too. But I think that's going to be, that's going to be wild. Because we haven't like, dude, most all of our podcast used to be us fairly fucking drunk. Tor. Yeah. Tor. Hammer. And I, listen.

I don't know about you, boys. It's hard to do that now, being off from it three days in a row. No, I'm sure. I'm sure. I mean, I don't know what y'all are planning, and I hope this doesn't alarm people. I'm always responsible when it comes to the show itself. Oh, me too. We get back to doing that that way, meaning on the road, I'm a be drinking.

Like, for sure. No, I know. For sure I am. And then what will happen is when I fly back home, after that little stretch, I will want to fucking die for at least a full day. Yeah, no, it ain't nothing new

because of how shitty I'll feel after having done that for a little bit. Right. But y'all are younger than me, but I'm saying it's now three days. Yeah, yeah. No, no. I mean, yeah, okay.

Well, it's been like, the reason I've been telling my buddies, I'm like, man, you know, I can't get drunk with y'all right now a lot. We got the tour coming up and I got stuff going on. It's not, you know, I just can't. And they're like, you can't take one night off.

And I'm like, that's not how many nights I'll have to take off. You know what I mean? I've got to take the one night off to get fucked up with y'all. Then I got to take the whole next day off because I literally can't function. And then the day after that, yeah, I can get stuff done. But like, I'm kind of requiring my creativity here. And my brain's not going to be functioning at like optimal. So like, no, I can't.

One night of getting drunk is not just one night of getting drunk. Now on the road, the thing that you can do is keep. drinking the next day. Yeah, and it'll be fine. And again, just some people, like, we're not, what we do is we'll sleep until forever. Yeah. And get up and go to the show and, like, again, we're not waking up and drinking all day. No.

At the show, we drink a little bit at the show and then once the show be over, then we go in. Yeah. Of course, we go, especially if the show was good, especially if it was bad. Oh, it was real bad. Yeah. If it was in the middle. If it was mediocre, we probably have to sit. Yeah.

Yeah, you're like, man, that was weird. They're never mediocre. Blu-blub-blub-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. Better try to make a hit. Yeah. And I'll tell you this, the first weekend that we've talked about this, but like, yeah, yeah, when it comes to the show, sincerely, we are very professional, never hammered drunk and do anything we can to make sure that it hits.

This Birmingham weekend, though, I believe all that still to be true, but I'm also like, I don't remember, like, I can't remember what my, like, when we's on the road, you have, like, okay, I can have two before the, and you know what I mean? You start to get the levels of it. I don't remember what they were. And I don't know where my brain's at. Yeah, they probably have changed too.

Yeah, for sure. What you can drink versus, you know, yeah, if we, if you got, I mean, I'm speaking for myself, but that's probably true for you too. If I go back out there and try to just like hit it in exactly the same way that I often did in the past, then it's going to be a real bad return. So I'm not going to do that. I'm going to take it very slow. Well, you will at first.

If you're anything like me and these stores with DJ, who's not even drinking at all. Really? Good for him. So it should be easier. Yeah, DJ soap, California sober. Right. But I started it out like that.

Just like, I think there was a couple of shows that first weekend. I didn't drink at all that whole day during the show at all. Then like one or two. And then you start to get tired. And then you have one good night. And then it's like, well, there's only one way through this and two, two ways through this. And one of them involves a miserable two days and probably not great shows. And the other one involves kicking this can down the road and waking up, you know, next Monday,

which is what happened, then just being like, oh. Well, sometimes you also just remember, sometimes aside from, oh, I'm tired, or I get this, you just remember that drinking hits, you know what I mean? Because when you're doing comedy. Yeah, drinking hit. Drinking in different places than where I'm from. That's activities I'm a fan of. For free?

Me too. For free? Oh, my God. Getting drunk in a place I'm not from for free is probably my favorite thing on the whole world to do on the whole world. Oh, that just reminded me too because of dirt. Some fans of DJ and I came from like 90 minutes away to the Asheville show. And this was so great.

My boy handed me some cratom. He's in, hey, I brought you some cratom. I was like, hell yeah, dude, thanks. And then I realized later that it was like half, it was opened and like half used. It was capsules. Yeah. But so wasn't that weird.

But I was like, that's, that's very much an end of the Abisket fan. Leftovers. Yeah. Just like, Hey, dude,

I didn't use all that. You want it? Yeah. Made me so happy. Yeah. I brought this. That would be like the equivalent of someone giving me a Whitman's sampler with like five of the caramel chocolate's already gone.

I'm like, this is just paper. Well, I'm going to go. I'm going to go see my cousin, which I told you all about. but folks, come to see Well Red.

Me and DJ got just a couple more shows before Well Red starts back up. There's one in Kentucky, but you follow me. You can figure all that out. Boys, I'll talk to you next week, but I'll see you soon. Well, this is going to be,

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he's a cousin he ain't fucking his cousin or nothing we're not saying that no but if he wants to fucking his goddamn right it's free country if that's what he wants to do but it's not he's not fucking his cousin he's just doing cousin stuff and i don't mean fucking when i say that anyway is it legal to fuck your cousin believe it depends on the state and the cousin. Right, like which. It's pretty well legal, no matter what,

encouraged in fact, yeah, and in other states, yeah. Because I know that like, it is, state by state basis. And it is illegal. It is like, second cousin, cool,

first cousin, not cool. Some places, anything goes. Because I know it's illegal. It's illegal to fuck your sister because the deeper end, you know, like hell,

that's the deeper end by drive by truckers one of my favorite song. I know it's illegal to fuck your sister, but with your cousins, like, I legitimately know people

who are married, to their cousin. Like, I mean, hell, we all do. It's called the royal family. But like, sincerely, like, around here, like, I know some people who they're married, like, you know, pussy was too good. What are you going to do? Like, they had to lock it down regardless of how people looked at him.

But I was like- No, they're like third. See? It's like whatever at that point. Yeah. Now, as a Southerner. But they had the same last name, though. Right.

Well, you know, I'm just saying it looked worse than it is. You got to know, you got to know a deal if you're going to start cousin fucking. Right, right. But having said that, I've always heard that in terms of like genetically, biologically, whatever the fuck, like, if it ain't literally first cousin, like your parents are siblings or whatever, it doesn't actually fucking matter or mean anything from a like incest or inbreeding perspective.

And, you know, some of you're like, why aren't trying to have a baby with my cousin, God damn. Yeah, I just want to nail it. Which case, you know, go off, dog. Yeah, for sure. I'm just saying like, yeah, if you're talking like third cousins, again, same last name, makes it look a little, little worse. But yeah, third.

Yeah, I mean, hell, I've done it. Who gives a fuck? So there you go. I mean, now, okay, to defend myself a little bit, I didn't know till right afterwards. And also another qualifier that, no, listen, it and another qual, so we were at. Went right back to it, huh? Yeah, no. Like I said in Joe Dirt.

I did. You're my sister. You're my sister. Dude, it was, it was exactly like that. Well, we were in the first time, the first time we were in, we were at the University of Georgia, and we were at the Georgia hotel, and there was this place called the severe weather shelter, where is this big concrete room where in case there's a tornado you go. And I just knew, I just knew this girl from high school.

So I was just like, hey, I was drunk. We just walked her in the lobby at this hotel. I was like, hey, what's up? And she's like, no, and I was like, you can go fool around and in the, we'll go fucking a nighter home. But I swear, I was like, I just said, you want to go full around in the tornado shelter? And like, just throwing it out there. You know, we were super young and we were just, sure, shoot your shot. And we were just at a Georgia game.

And she was just like, yeah. So we go in there. We didn't, we didn't go all the way, but we did that thing that's right before it, that's better. You know, you know, you know what you want. You know what the one I mean. And I swear to God, we got done. And she was just like, did you know we're cousins? Oh, my God.

You're shitting, man. That's really how it played out. I swear to go. And I go, and now here's the deal. What a peach right there. If she did, if she just. If she just said that like right before it was over, I'd have went cool. You know, but it was right after when like you're feeling shame, even if everything was playing by the rule, everything was fine.

And I just went, wait. what? And she goes, yeah, and I go, fucking how. And she goes, well, I mean, it's by marriage. And I go, oh, shit. That don't count. Lead with that. So yeah, once I found out it was that, like, yeah, we definitely did that again. Like, with some time between, you know what I mean? Like, time for me to think. But like, yeah, marriage, that ain't even a cousin. That ain't, no, it ain't. That ain't even a cousin. No, it's not. It's literally nothing. Yeah, it's no, it's nothing. So fuck it. Literally. Go for it. Me and my wife. or as related as me and her. Here's the stupid, silly thing I wanted to ask you about this week. It, as often as the case, originated from a Reddit post I saw. It said, it was an ass Reddit post.

It was like, if you could take your present day consciousness and transport it back in time to your 15-year-old self, right? So you have all your memories and life experiences and everything, but now you're, and you're not just 15 again. you're 15 again in the year in which you were 15. So you're back in time. If you could do that, A, would you do it and B, what would you do? And there was a lot of people doing back to the future stuff.

Like fucking, you know, I'd bet on all the Super Bowls, make a shitload of money. I'd be the first person to even know about Bitcoin, yada, yada, all these money making schemes.

But I swear to God, this is how it went in my brain when I saw that, when I saw that question. I saw that question. And in my head, I thought I was like, let's see, I turned 15 in April of 2,

I'd like have to try and stop 9-11. Oh, yeah. I got bummed out. I was like, I'm going to have to deal with 9-11 if I'd do this magic time travel brain stuff. So we could talk more about the general question of it if we want to, but specifically the 9-11 part. And I realized that I was 15 in early 2001.

So like, what would you do? Would you try and stop literally? attempt to stop 9-11. You were in Chickamauga. I was in Salina. How would you go about that? If you didn't try to stop it and this happened,

you would you just sit there and just watch 9-11 happen again? Like, do you get to do this more than once? In the question- If you can do it more than once, I'm definitely going to watch 9-11 first. It's a one-time thing. I was about to say, if you can do it more than once, I'm definitely at least one time.

I'm going to watch 9-11 and just see, you know, like, that'd be wild. You know, that'd be fucking crazy. to see. I don't know, man, because, like, you know, I'm, I'm a big comic book fan and I'm a big movie fan and, like, judging based on just how all that works out, it's like, you know, if you fucking change anything, then everything changes. And I'm like, don't even wrong. And, hey, let me say this. I've gone on, me and you both have gone on the record. This podcast has a firm stance. 9-11. Don't hit. No, it don't hit. It don't hit. But,

maybe 9-11 prevented other 9-11s. I don't know. Let me ask you. I know what that's like the classic. If it was a sci-fi story about time travel, that's what would happen. I mean, there's been stories like that where it's like, I remember one,

it was like a Twilight Zone or an Outer Limits episode or something, where somebody went back in time and did the famous thing. They like killed Hitler as a baby, which has always been like fucked up to me. It's like, I know it's baby Hitler, but you still got to go back and get a baby. Yeah.

On this show, they literally murdered a baby. And what happened was, in the Twilight Zone episode, whatever the show was episode, Hitler had like a nanny, baby Hitler had a nanny and the nanny. That sounds like I immediately thought of a baby shark.

When the time travel person killed baby Hitler and bounced, the nanny replaced baby Hitler with some other baby, like a hobo baby or like an orphanage baby. Yeah. And then the new baby Hitler grew up to be regular Hitler. Right. So it was like one of those things where it's like you can't change anything.

Right. Whatever. Well, it's like in Groundhog's Day when he, Groundhog's day when he keeps saving the homeless guy and it got homeless guy keeps dying. He's like, this was always going to happen. Like there's nothing.

Right. You can do about it. A, you don't know how time travel actually works and this and no one does. Is it could, is it even possible? Is it real? Whatever.

So you don't know any of that. But if I hear you that you're like, you know, I read a lot of. comic books. I know that's a possibility. But does that mean you just wouldn't do it? Which is also a valid answer. Because like, you're

Cory F-you-Fa-you-fucking famous now. Like, yeah. That would apply to a lesser degree, sure. That would apply to everything you do from the money to go back. It wouldn't just be 9-11. So like, and if you're not going to change anything or do anything

with the information, would you even do it in the first place? Or would you be like, you know what? I'm good. Yeah, no. I mean, it could be argued that 9-11 made me who I am today. And I just said that so I could clip it out. So just put that three-second clip up. Listen to this episode. It could be argued that 9-11 made me who I am today.

But that actually is true. It's 100% true. It actually is true. All the fucking. My worldview, being the age that I was at, like having to, because you were 15, I was 13. That's still in the grand scheme of things, 13 and 15. And you're like kind of, now me and you had very different lives.

you were way more, you were more mature as a 13 year old than I probably was as a 19 year old because you fucking had to be. You know what I mean? But 13 and 15, the world hasn't had a terrorist attack happened to it. And then all of a sudden, boom, here we are. Boom, there's cameras everywhere. Boom. This might happen again.

You're, dude, like we, we barely shaking off Columbine. You know what I'm saying? It just, it objectively speaking changed so much about the culture of this entire country. And still the ripple effects are seen to this day. So any, literally any American 9-11 shape to you are. But, like me specifically, it's very easy to trace because I remember after it happened, they sent Army recruiters to our high school. Of course.

And I literally, I literally attempted to sign up. But I was 15 and they told me I was too young. And then what happened was- Oh, damn, you fucking idiot. I know. Trash. I'm trash. Dumb, stupid trash.

I literally attempted to sign up and they wouldn't let me because I was too young. And then by the time I became a senior in high, by the time I was old enough, I had, we had gone to war with Iraq, not just Afghanistan. We had done that. I had been in debate classes calling the other rednecks dumbasses for supporting the war in Iraq. It's like, it just, my whole liberal queerness had a lot to do with hating the Iraq war, George. For sure. I mean, me too.

All that fall out from 9-11. So like it, you know. I mean, dude. Absolutely 9-11 made me the man. I don't know exactly. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I don't know exactly how. It's possible.

Like, you know, Domino falls a certain way. Like, if we don't, if 9-11 doesn't happen and the Republican Party doesn't do what it does, then Barack Obama is never the front running candidate somehow. You know what I mean? Like the Democratic party doesn't get as overcharged and think they need some crazy change. And for me, a lot of who I am today was finding out, oh my God, like, like for real, where I'm from, you grow up, you know, this is like, this actually kind of ties into critical race theory about why so many people are like not wanting to be taught.

Because like where we're from, it's so, it really is so easy for a large group of people to be like what? Before, okay, before body cams and Twitter existed of like where if a black guy gets shot, you can see it the next day. But before all that, it was pretty easy for people in a strictly white town to be like, yeah, racism's over. You know what I mean? Like racism doesn't exist because you didn't see, like there wasn't a Rodney King shit

happening every day in front of your eyes. you'd be like, yeah, no, it's fine. Like, what are you talking about? But like, so I kind of grew up with like, yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. There's still assholes everywhere. But like, the systemic part of it never really was like a thing. And also I'm like, it's not widespread. It's just one asshole.

And then Barack Obama runs for president. And I see so many people in my hometown just absolutely lose their goddamn mind and start saying some things that, again, I was taught to believe, stopped being said. after Martin Luther King died. You know what I'm saying? So like, yeah, man, if that doesn't happen, there's part of me that might just hang around town and be like, what?

Everything's good. People need to stop complaining. If you don't like it, why don't you move in fucking Sri Lanka or whatever? So, yeah, and also like, there's also the selfish part of me that's like, don't even wrong is my career right now exactly where I want it to be?

No, of course not. But it's trending in the right direction. And I don't want to do anything to fuck that up. No, I was going to say, I feel the need to say at some point, and I know, whatever, if this is like taking all the fun out of what is clearly just a simple thought. No, that's what we do. That's his whole podcast, taking the fun out of something. That's true.

So true. But like, just for the record, if I was given the option, 100% I would not do it. I would not. No, I don't think I would either. Because, like, I don't have, because number one, and here's a sappy part, if I would have to try to at. Now, that would be 2001, which is fine. But for eight years, whatever, I don't know. I'd try to make some money off sports.

You'd save DMX before you'd save 9-11. Yeah, right. But by the time I got to 2009, I would have to make sure that I met Katie. Right. Had the boys. Yeah, right. Because otherwise, I would lose the boys. And first of all, knowing everything I know now, I know I lose.

So right, I'd have to live eight years. No, the bishop was born. 2011. So I'd have to live 10 years without them. But I would also have the plan of like, I'm going to just recreate them when I get to that point in time. And I just don't want to, I just ain't trying to. But also, like you said, like things are like, yeah, I've got. You'd have to bust the right nut too. I know. Right. Exactly. What if I got that version, that timeline, Katie pregnant and it was like a girl or something. Uh, don't. That's, that would be wild, right? You know, like I'm expected.

Bishop to come out and it's a girl. Just like I said, you present, you prevent one 9-11, you create another one. Yeah. But so I just wouldn't, I wouldn't do it. Now, if I woke up tomorrow morning in the brain of the general self in the year 2001, I don't know. I mean, I think I would try to, because you, I'm real small. First off, first off, imagine this, you're not going to stop 9-11.

You're just going to look like a crazy person. I know. Well, I wanted to get into all that. And I was about to circle back to that because it's not as easy as just. There's people thinking they're doing that right now. I know. With like pedophiles and shit. I was definitely going to bring that up also.

But I think I would try to start testing that whole butterfly effect theory in smaller ways early on. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I try to think back to maybe like a football game that we, that I remember. Y'all winning. Yeah, well, it would be losing. Right. Yeah.

Most all of them. Oh, yeah. Y'all didn't hit. We did not hit until my senior year. And not because of me, but my senior year, we sort of hit for the first time and forever. So, like, I would be a sophomore in this scenario. I know we lost pretty much all of our fucking games my sophomore year. I don't know what I would do because it sure wouldn't be score or touchdown,

but I would try to somehow influence the outcome of like a football game or something that I know how it went in the original timeline and see what happens. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And, like, judge that type of shit first. and get an idea of whether what we were saying is actually how time works. Like you can't really fuck with all that stuff. And it seems like you couldn't.

I guess I'd just sit back and fucking roll with the punches and just live my life over it. Like I'm immortal. I'd even try to stop 9-11. But if it seemed like you could influence time, yeah, I would feel obligated to attempt to do something. What would that be? I have no fucking clue. Like to get a FBI hotline and start there early. I have no idea.

Try to give them like, hey, tonight is, whatever, but I couldn't pick out specific scores from ball games. I could do like an opening, a movie that's going to open that weekend, and I could be like, that movie's going to bomb. Right. And then when it bombed, but no one's still, still no one's going to believe a 15-year-old slown of Tennessee because they predicted a movie bombing.

Right. Also, who's going to even listen to you? That's my point. It's not like you can't even put it on the internet. I mean, you can. Right. You could, the early internet, but no one would give a shit. But if I, like, I don't know.

That's interesting actually. I think you could get people believing you on the internet. Oh, yeah, of course you can get people believing you on the internet. But if you were proving things right. But not to the point of that it wouldn't happen. Just that I think in hindsight they would go,

damn, man, he knew all along. You don't have, you're probably right about that. You don't have, I wouldn't have enough time because I would wake up in April, April to September. You ain't got enough time. Right.

But I would try to do something if I felt like I could. I don't fucking. No, here's a, I know this is fucking creepy. It's just the type of thing that people, people bring up on Reddit when this type of shit comes up. Would you just be like celibate if this happened for a while, I mean? And imagine your friendships. Oh my God, right.

You can't fucking older person. You'd have 15 year old, you'd have 15 year old hormones and shit flowing through your body, which would be a nightmare. Yeah. But you would be 34 or whatever in your brain. So these are all chill, all your old best friends. who are still your friends now,

you know, fucking 15-year-old Thompson and shit. Thompson's my brother. 15-year-old him walks through the door right now. I'll be like, how much time do I got to spend with this motherfucker? Right. I know exactly what I'd do.

You're not going to, people ain't going to like to answer, but I'm going to tell you what I would do. I, 33-year-old Corey knows all the kind of hot teachers who, female teachers who fucked kids

when I was 15. Like, I know that now. Take, for sure. But I didn't know them then, but I know them now. But when I go back to 15, I'll know them before they got caught doing it. And I'll go fuck them. And here's why.

They were already going to do it anyways. They were doing it anyway. So really, you're helping some other kid out. Absolutely. Taking the bullet. Yeah. I still get pussy. This person was going to commit a crime anyways.

I'm completely absolved. And I'm having sex with not a minor. So there you go. Lawyer. Buddy. The show strikes again. I mean, pretty immediate too. Yeah.

Right, right. Yeah, I thought exactly what I do. I've been thinking about it since you brought this shit up. This is going to sound how it's going to sound, but here we go. Whenever I say this is going to sound how it's going to sound is when I'm about to say something controversial, yet I believe with all of me. Yeah. So that's just a thing that you're going to say. Yeah, right, exactly. For that second part at least.

What would you do to get the one, I would definitely be in poor white. trash. I would absolutely attempt some of the like various money making schemes. For sure dude. So which ones? What would you attempt on that front? I think I would bet football is the thing I can remember the best for sure. Yeah, I mean, I don't like playoff games

and shit like that. I mean, dude, I would put, I would put some stock in Apple because Apple was already a thing. Apple was already a thing then, but the iPhone ain't come out yet. So you could go, I would I would fucking, you know, yeah, I would, whatever much money I could put into Apple, I put into Apple, probably I would definitely, how long do you get to stay in there? Are you just this forever? The way it was worded on, you know, on Reddit, the thought experiment was like,

essentially you, like, again, you wake up tomorrow morning, it's your 15th birthday. And you have your, whatever you, how, whatever your age is now, you have that brain inside your 15 year old body. And then from that point on, you just live your life again. You have gone back to when you were 15 and now you just live it forward. You basically just redo it all, but you don't come back to the present at any point until you, you live, whatever, 18 years and get back to the year 2021 organically. I'll tell you what I'd do. I would go up to Harvard, because I think it was right around this time. I'd put on a fucking ski mask.

All right. I would beat Mark Zuckerberg within an inch of his goddamn life and all the while telling him like Donald Trump's going to run for fucking president and I'm from the goddamn future and you're going to fucking help him out

with all these goddamn ads but I swear to God if you don't like what the fuck is happening in you right now then you goddamn sure better not do that fucking shit but then we're trading a little bit of career stuff

but dude I would be we both would be so rich so quickly. Yeah, that it wouldn't matter. Who cares? We could just like make movies and shit for fun or whatever the hell we wanted to do. Well, I'll tell you what?

That's a thing. Like aside from what all stuff, crazy magic stuff would you do? Like in my brain too, I'm just like, you know what? I would have gone to college, just regular. Like, I had just regular gone to college. Right. Like, I would have tried to go to honestly film school or something like that. Like I was such of the mind.

That's like a real thing I regret all the time. Not like I don't regret not having student loans and shit like that. that ain't that ain't what I mean I just mean like I was always of the mindset of just like fuck college I'll never regret this because the thing I do has nothing to do with there's no degree for being a comedian and that's true that's absolutely accurate but like how many life skills that I'm just now kind of getting that I could totally use in comedy very few you think so college is like it was it's experience though I would have gotten like I would have been more open minded quicker probably. Okay, that's probably true, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I'm sure, I'm certain that there's way more people than not going, dude, you make a great living, you don't have student debt and you didn't have to go to college. Shut the fuck up. Like, you're doing fine. You shouldn't regret it. I went and it suck. I mean, I don't use my degree at all. And if this happened to me, I definitely would go back to college just because I had such a good time.

Right, right, right, right. And it was like, yeah, it's, I'm very pro college. use your degree though one day in this business because when we you know like if you start crushing and all of a sudden oh you got a production company and you're all of a sudden that fucking business shit's gonna come back you know what I mean yeah maybe it might I don't even remember any of it that's what I'm saying well that that's the thing with college is like you don't yeah it's just a way you were like oh I would have learned so much useful skills it's like dude you forget them all if you're not using them like every day right if the job you end up getting you forget all that shit right I've got a really good fucking memory and was always really good

at school and taking test and shit. And I don't, I've forgotten all of it pretty much. So like, it's more just, you know, we've talked about all this before. It's just like proven that you can do a thing to people. You know what I mean? And, yeah, whatever job you get into, you're going to figure it out while you're doing it for the most part. Super technical degrees like fucking engineers and shit like that.

Yeah, they got to do it. That's different. Doctors. Yeah. But for most people. Yeah, you're just going to, you're going to learn it the same way as everybody else does, which is by doing it once you get into it, you know, that's just kind of how it goes. Yeah, I mean, that's definitely how comedy works.

You know, there was no comment. Like, if there had have been a comedy university, maybe my dumbass, 18 year old self would have been like, all right, but, you know, I get my ass whipped on day one. If I woke up tomorrow in 2001, Salina Tennessee. Oh, yeah, you would. You would. Me too, by the way. that by any by who ever you know because i wouldn't be able to hold it in my 15 year old body which

did not hit and uh like just i just wouldn't be able to take it the shit i can remember how annoyed i was then then right people would say and now i know me is with an adult brain like and that's the thing god it would drive me fucking insane i think that's the thing too is like you you like i do remember like at 15 already being like god damn some of my buddies are idiots yeah right but like But I think what would happen is you went back as your 15-year-old self, that you would start seeing stuff that you didn't even, you're like, oh my God. Absolutely.

I didn't even realize how stupid. Hell, I didn't even think about that at that time. Holy fucking shit. Like, I kind of believed that. For sure. You would honestly, it would be a fucking nightmare having both brains going off at the same time because you would be having an existential crisis every fucking day. You're like, oh my God, this is who I used to be.

It'd be like that scene in the void when the void, when the void was, what was it? He was like, hey, do you remember that, do you remember that time? What was the Lent Biscuit line? Do you remember that? It was like,

do you remember that time you wrote that girl a love letter in eighth grade using only lines from Lent Biscuit? And you're like, yes. And you're like, yeah, I remember too. Yeah, right. Just probably out of nowhere.

Every moment of every day of your life would be like that. It might not be, it wouldn't be you saying it this time, but you would be seeing all your buddies and you just realize how fucking dumb you are. Yeah, it would be a fucking nightmare in so many ways, which is like, and I'm about to get raven here and I don't mean to. I'm trying to sound grateful is how I'm trying to sound

when I say this. But I think these types of thought experiments and stuff are proposed. I mean, they're just fun to talk about when you focus on the time travel parts of it and how that would all work. But I think that these types of things appeal to people who like really feel like they fucked up a lot. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Fuck up in a couple of really big ways. There's a whole lot of people that was like, oh, if I could just do it all again.

And thankfully, fucking knock on wood so far in my life, I don't feel like that at all. Like, you talk about like massive fundamental change, like forks in the road that I went through over the course of my life. Like, if I could go back, would I go down the other path? There's all,

I have almost none. Like, there's very, very few major things that I would change at all. So this isn't. appeal to me having to deal with all the bullshit surrounding it. This isn't like a conscious decision. I don't think any of me and my friends have made, but I, and you and Drew are this way too.

Like of all and all of my friend groups, one thing that every single friend group has in common, in my opinion is that like when we're all hanging out, like nobody's talking about the past. Like, you know what I mean? Like nobody. Like we're talking about stuff that hits for us now or like what we're going to do

or yada yada, but like nobody's talking about the past. And then like every now and then, especially now that the vaccines were, I've like gone and visited some, some of my, we'll say, dumber friends.

And like, that's all they're, you know, like there's a stereotype of like, oh man, remember back on that, that play on fourth down. And the thing is that I realized getting older is that these,

for the most, like there's a large group of people who voted for Donald Trump who were like, make America great again like it used to be, 1969. Those two, that's, that's the thing that those people have in common. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Is that they're so fixated on the past. and like they just they just can't get out of it because like no I'm I'm I'm fucking like 100% with you like if you hear somebody and when they're drunk all they want to do is talk about some shit that happened 25 years ago I bet you they got some fucked up ideas I'm not saying by the way obviously it's there's not one goddamn thing wrong with ever now and then you and your buddy going down memory line ain't nothing wrong right but like you know those but I know what you're talking about they do there's those guys and those people need probably from

Uncle Rico's. Like they, and Uncle Rico would absolutely go back so that he could throw the football over them mountains, you know.

Yeah. I bet you you would spend the first week jacking off a lot. And I say that because, like the idea that even if it's your current day brain, but it's put into your

50 more body. Yeah. You've still got all those hormones and shit that are going on physically in you. And that would be some wild shit. Yes, to go back and reexperience

as an adult too, dude. Fucking stiff, breeze, your heart is rock. Like, and you know what to do with it. Like, that's not good. Like, you'd have to, yeah, you'd have to fucking keep that shit and check. It wouldn't, you wouldn't need fucking blue chew.

Promise you that. Yeah. That's, uh, that's a, that's a, that's a, this is a very me and you, uh, existential question. So 9-11, yes, no. I mean, I'm not for it. Ride. I think I'm not to let it.

Dude, I mean, in hindsight, it's like, I have you. What, like, you know, it didn't hit. Again, it did not hit. 9-11 did not hit. But like, yeah, man, dude, I don't know. Like, it's like the devil you know. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah. Like 9-11 happened, but we've moved on. Right. Well, like you said about Zuckerberg, that one, I guarantee you. That if you went back and you murdered Mark Zuckerberg at, Harvard before he'd been in Facebook. I 100% guarantee you. Some other thing would have been the Facebook instead of Facebook.

Of course. Some shit that we don't even remit, Friendster. Wasn't that a real thing? Yeah, Bistre, I think something like that would have been what Facebook became 100%. Well, I agree with you, but it's like Facebook in and of itself isn't necessarily bad. It's how it's allowed itself to be run and proper. There's no guarantee that Friendster or what.

Oh, I know. Of course. worse. Of course. No, I know. It's like, you like to think, like, oh, yes, if the Winklewals twins were only here right now, they would save us. Like, I doubt it. If you somehow managed to stop 9-11, would there be, yeah, some, they, you know, try it again and pull it off on a much larger scale or whatever.

I mean, you just don't know with shit like that. I'll tell you what I'd first do. Fuck yo teacher. I absolutely would fuck my teacher. But, I mean, I'm being, I mean, this is going to sound silly. but I'd go to Nashville and I would go, I'd warn Steve. I'd warn Steve McNair.

That I could control one thing. I'd be like, Steve, listen, I know. Get away from that bitch. I know that fucking Dave and Busters waitresses hits. I know that. We all know that. But this one right here, I'll show me a picture. You ever see her?

Mm-mm. Get out. Ain't it. Ain't it. Also, please don't go. the Ravens. Please go anywhere else. Of course, this one, there's butterflies

flapping their wings all over this one too, but I would definitely warn Steve. I would do more to make sure that his debt, even if he did, well, no, then I've got to live. No, we're going to save Steve McNair. Steve McNair would still be with us for sure. Yeah.

All right. Well, I mean, we've hit, right? We have hit. Go to well-redcom.com. W-E-L-R-E-D-C-C-com. We're going back on the road. Dates are on the website. Adding more dates every day.

We just booked my birthday weekend in December, and I'm super pumped about it. And, man, yeah, just go there, sign up for the newsletter. We can't wait to see you out there and tell these jokes. Tell these jokes, baby. All right, all right. Oh, hold up. I got a song.

Thank you all for listening to The Well Red Show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. And tune in next week, if you got nothing to do, do. Thank you. God bless you. Good night. Oskid. Good nightooski. All right. Later, but fucker.