wellRED podcast - #232 - On The Road Again Part 2! w/ Wes Van Horn, Dj Lewis, and Conrad Thompson!

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

this week the boys continue their discussion on robots while getting increasingly and obnoxiously drunk at a hotel in Birmingham, Al. We apologize in advance.  tickets for shows at wellREDcomedy.com 

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Go to RocketMoney.com slash well-read today. That's rocketmoney.com slash well, rED. Rocketmoney.com slash well read. And we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the theme. Here is part two of a conversation with comedian DJ Lewis and Wes Van Horn.

They are still talking about making sexy times with robots and having dragons make poopy time on them. We are so very sorry, but we were very drunk and having a. Good time. If you have not yet guessed, I am a robot, and I have taken over the show. Go dogs ski you. I mean, I feel like we're around on the base. Very much so. They're not going to be for it if that's what you're getting at.

As soon as you start talking about SEC football, it fucking flies away. Like, it would be very, very realistic. You teach you to catch drones, too. Like, if there's, like, Amazon drones, like, somebody's, like, ordered some... Get you some packages. Yeah, man. You haven't come until you've had a robot dragon shit on your chest. That's Wes, everybody.

You know? Wes, no, no, go on. I feel like you have more thoughts on dragons. No, I was just saying, I mean, imagine a dump a dragon can take. And if it's on a glass tabletop and I'm underneath it, I'm shooting rope. But that's neither here nor there. I don't know if your audience

Oh, well, let me go ahead and tell you something. That's just the guy we met out in the hallway, guys. I love how you're like, I don't know if your audience is into this. I know Wade. That's Wade's brother West. West is how many dragons has Wade fought? Oh, yeah.

Plenty in his mind. Yeah, but I don't know. Man, I feel like, sincerely, like if you could just, now this is going to fucking. up the prostitute business, which I would never want to do. Like, that's going to take their job.

We should all quit working, including them. They could sell their pussy, like the molds, which are already doing that anyways. But I'm just saying, like, if you literally could be like, this is my fuck doll, it folds up into itself. I can put it in my carry on. When I'm on the road and I want to get some pussy, I bang this robot lady who is anatomically the same as a woman,

and it prevents me from having the urge of cheating on my wife. I genuinely don't see how that's a bad thing. And like the worst case scenario is like, well, there might be some dudes who only do that and then they don't ever get with a woman. They probably weren't anyway. Exactly. They weren't anyways.

And also, fucking congrats, dude. Like, who gives a shit? Like, more for everybody. Who cares? Like, I don't see a problem with that. Like, I think that would, I genuinely, I know I seem like I'm trying to be funny. I think that would solve way more problems than it would create.

Like, if we're already making robots that can dance, make robots that can fucking Corey has won the mayor of Chickamauga We're all getting sex dolls y'all. Yeah, we're all getting sex dolls. Well, you know, you're saying that that would be good for marriages like people would be cool with it. I don't know.

I don't know if, you know, how women would feel about it. If only we had something we could ask, but we don't, guys. Hey, here we are, well-read podcast. We are back with the good buddy, DJ Lewis. Yeah, let's just call it a part too, because that's what it is. Of course. Part two of our episode here with DJ Lewis and Conrad Thompson.

What's up, Conrad? I'm excited to be here, but I think there's another man on the mic as well today. Oh, that's right. Who is it? What's his name? Is that Wes Van Horn over there? Hey, how is everybody? What's up, Wes?

Howdy, buddy? Wes, tell everybody where they can... I just go sitting here for an hour. You have a lot. I know. We apologize to that. No, it's fine. Wes, tell everybody where they can find you.

Promote yourself, motherfucker. Oh, just at West Van Horn comedy on Twitter. and that's probably... Sitting underneath the dragon's ass, that's where you can find him. Exactly. Closest to the dragon's ass, you can find me.

I mean, just going back to the previous conversation, the clitoris is a myth anyway. So why not bring in some mythical creatures? Is that where your head went? You were like, how can I find it on a dragon now? Yeah, well, I mean...

God damn. My son's been real into dragons lately, so I thought this whole thing out. He's just been playing in the corner and I've been... How can I fuck that? Well, we got through the dinosaur phase. So I fucked all them. Yeah, right.

Well, the velociraptor that scratches on your back. Yeah. That's what you really... Listen, just because it got brought up, I got to ask you, how you feel about feathers on dinosaurs? Me? I'm for them. Are you?

Okay. That's fine. That's fine. No, I mean, I... No, no. that's actually not, hold on, forum is way different than prefer them. You know what I'm saying? You're right. So feathers on dinosaurs don't hit for me. Okay. I'm not saying that didn't exist. Do you think, do you think because it has been proven? Sure. That, especially because of the link between dinosaurs and modern day chickens, so we're going to link that back, that the T-Rex and all those dinosaurs probably had majestic Rickflare robe looking feathers.

Do you think that if Jurassic Park was remade and those dinosaurs had feathers, that would be more rad or less rad? Um, more. Ah. Because they know, they would be able, they would, technology is comelaga. They would make it fucking rat. And every, and these motherfuckers could like fly, you know, like when they brought in. I don't think, though, that the, the Tyrannosaurus, I don't think they could fly. It could only fuff, fuff, fuff, fuff.

I think the velociraptors had that. The fucking T-Rex in Jurassic Park, after all the fucking booboo with the fucking cup of water and the ripples and shit, and the goat and the goat leg and all that shit happened, all that tension's been built up. And it walked out, and it was fucking pink and blue with feathers on it like a chicken. That would have hit for you? That's what you said. I'd be a lot. I'd name a baseball team after it.

No, it would not have been all right. Be a hell of a name for the Cleveland, you know, feathered tyrannosaurs or whatever. That's better. I'm acknowledging that they apparently did have feathers, but if you look at fucking scientists' representations of like what a velociraptor actually looked like with all the feathers and shit, it's like a jumped up chicken and that ain't it. Like compared to... Like skiing, like leather skiing.

Just DJ's front yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, man, it is. Trey doesn't want to... What do you think about that, Conrad? I said it would be like introducing Black Jesus in the South. I ain't getting over. Yeah, I was about to say,

depends on what part of the South. Yeah, this is critical dinosaur theory, and Trey is not for it. And I'm not for it. No, he's not. I'm the fucking Mo Brooks of this shit, I'm not with it. I'm not with it.

Like, I just don't. Don't. I'm not, I'm, like, it just, it don't. I'm with you up to, I'm with you, except for, except for, Man, there's some fucking rad-ass birds out there, man.

Of course there are, but dude, birds ain't dinosaurs. They are. Birds are dinosaurs. I'm saying, yes, there's rad birds and shit, but you cannot improve upon a fucking goddamn T-Rex by adding feathers to it. But to you, they improved upon it by removing them, realistically. Which hit. Yeah.

That hit. That's fine. I again goes on evening skews once or twice a week just rails against people who won't accept science. Yeah. And then they try to change one thing about it's dinosaurs. No, no, no, no, no. I've said multiple times, I know, I'm acknowledging that people say, oh, that's what they did look like. That's fine.

Yeah. What hits more? Yeah. Yeah, but that. Them with feathers does not hit more. Right. Right. It doesn't.

But that's like somebody. By the way, I still do agree with you. But you've seen the other one. The other one's been done. now. So now let's try one with, they didn't try to make it here. We've seen all the other shit.

We've seen all the other shit. It doesn't get better in Jurassic Park. We can try one with feathers. But dude, you can look that shit up and some of them look like kind of okay, I guess, but like, no. It ain't it. Hey, speaking on it. It ain't it.

No, they ain't going to get me now, son. Hey, no. I'm set in my ways, motherfucker. Speaking of that, because you'd actually brought this up like a long time ago. on the podcast as it pertained to Jurassic Park about like you were like hey man you know the Jurassic park franchise is getting kind of stupid but everybody knows it's getting kind of stupid so i wish that they would just go full fast and a furious with it yeah and then that would hit okay right but then the news came out a couple weeks ago that there are rumors and i don't know how true they are that

the fast and furious franchise is actually looking have you not heard this yeah no yeah they're looking to link up with the Jurassic Park universe. I thought that was a meme joke. No, no, no, no, no, I think that's real. Now, dude, look, if you've, if what, what? What else are both of them going to do? I was a dinosaur kid, God damn it. Fucking, first movie ever saw in theaters was Jurassic Park.

I was fucking, and I was, I was pro dinosaur before that. I love dinosaur shit. But, but. Stand up. Stand up. You're in good company, buddy. I won third place in the young authors contest in second grade with a dinosaur. I won first and second grade with an alien book.

Sit down, Wes. Number one right here. Yeah, but it was a different genre. But it was aliens, not the... But the goddamn... I've never met another young author. Oh, my God, what's up? But the Jurassic Park franchise is not where it should be.

Agreed. But if they're going to have to change it up... If they... No, no feathers, Conrad. But let's not get crazy. Just not get crazy. The only fan of my father I want to see in my dinosaur book is one that falls in like Forrest Gun. The way they have, the way they've already fucked up by making it too silly and shit.

Yeah. The only way to salvage it for me. More metal. Is if they go, they just lean into that. And they start making fucking fast and furious Jurassic Park movies. Do you know what I mean? Just like, just make fucking

human, fucking ghostbusters Jurassic Park. Like they had him on a motorcycle with velociraptors running around him and shit. Okay, that's right.

Give the velociraptors fucking motorcycle wheels and shit. So just fucking go. Let these fuckers in space. What do we do? Put them in space. Put them in space. Put them in space.

Like, they need to just combine it to. You think you could just, like, will you freestyle your ultimate, fast and a furious Jurassic Park plot right now?

Oh, God. No, it ain't going to hit, but yeah, I'll do it. It will for me. So I'm not, I haven't, I do not keep up with the Fast and Furious franchise. That doesn't matter, I don't think. I don't think that matters at all. It's wild. They went to space.

They're in cars, Vin Diesel's in it. Go. Yeah, it's all about family. It's all about family. All right. So there's a, everybody lives in space. Yeah. Right?

and they've made yeah thank you thank you Drew so far I fucking love it I'm part of a universe cut this man a check and they've started they've uh turned lizards into slaves they got slave well yeah you'll have that do their uh do their space shit and they're basically velociraptors well are we talking about like lizard people lizard individuals No, no, just like they've trained the velociraptors to, they're like mules.

The Lyseraptors are like space mules, right? Yeah, a mule. And people don't understand how intelligent velociraptors have gotten. Our mules. These velociraptors have whole communities that no one values, right? Yeah. And meanwhile, see, the velociraptors are mining asteroids, right? They're doing, like, fucking, yeah.

But as animals, not as, actually as... They're out there fucking, like, using their talons to fucking dig in. They're like, goddamn Carl, this is some bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Just digging it up. Yeah, but nobody understands that. Yeah. And meanwhile...

Because their actions too thick. Yeah. There's... At the same time, Mexicans are being exploited. Space Mexicans, right? Are these Mexican dinosaurs? No, no, no. Space Mexicans are the ones that drive.

Space Mexicans are the ones that drive the space. They ride the velociraptors like a burrow. Yes. They're out there. They're the ones. Well, this is all on time. They're driving the space velocirators on the asteroids. That's what's going on.

All right. Right. And they're both impoverished. And meanwhile, fucking Amazon is making trillions of dollars off of the shit that's going on, right? Well, they would deserve it at this point. Right. Well, I mean, not that I think you're,

in sleep. But Van Diesel's... They would also figure out how to make that dehydrated fucking food be decent. I guarantee you that. But Van Diesel's related

to the space Mexicans, right? Of course he is. Their family. Yeah, right. He's part of their family. Yeah, he's part of their family. El Famil.

So he shows up with some space motorcycles. Yeah. And comes up with a way to do a space heist. Yeah. To free the space velociraptors

and the space Mexicans at the same time and overtake the space corporation. They got to unite. Yeah, they got to unite in order to be able to take down the space boss man and that's the only way it's going to work and so now you got them and space lizards on the same team at the same time and they're enemies at the beginning of the movie right and then they got overcom yeah it's like it's like it's like a gang it's like a gang war the lizards and then they realize they have a common enemy the lichers don't have for each other that's spaceism but then they come together to take down the space corporation

buddy yeah yeah yeah yeah let's say yeah yeah let's do this streaming exclusively i mean listen there's some details we gotta iron out yeah and the head of the space corporation is cg i multiverse paul walker yes yeah bring paul walker back why you're cg i make him the bad guy make him a dinosaur quick question i want to take this to amazon can we can we make you know Walmart, if we need to, the bad guy. Mm-hmm. Okay, good. Can we make the local bookstore the bad guy?

That's so funny. How Walmart's the little guy now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Amazon. Where's fucking Walmart's dick rocket? I ain't doing shit. They said if they were like, yeah, we're about to shoot some dinosaurs at there. I'd be like, all right, you got my money.

All right. Speaking of Jurassic Park. If NASA was like, listen, here's our next thing. We're going to shoot some dinosaurs up there. Hear them out. Hear them out. But I wouldn't need to hear nothing. Hold up. Will you film it?

That's all we ended up. Go ahead, Wes. Oh, I was just going to tee DJ up speaking of Jurassic Park and where they eat the goat. Oh. You own a goat. I do. I do. I own Miss Nancy.

Yeah, man. Man. Oh, yeah. Do you own her or does she own you? She owns me. Well, man, you know, with a woodland creature. any type of mythical

hooven hoving yeah yeah a creature like that Centaur yeah centars of course well minotar

yeah what are other what are other mythical creatures I've been thinking about fucking wood naps Pann

Pans Pans I think it's a sater I think it's a sater yeah yeah Sater's got watch out for then Murfolk

Murfolk Got murfoke Fairies Chavstrows nymphs, anything like that. Watch out for that stuff. If I had my whistle on me, what do you mean?

I know, man. What do you mean? I got a call. I got a woodland call, but I, uh, I'm... What do you do with that? Hey, calls the woodland creatures. In fact, I do. And, uh, in fact, that's exactly what it is.

That's exactly what happens. So yeah, man, we got nasty man, and, uh, she's doing real good, man. We're hoping to, like, uh, be able to, uh, uh, so we got a collat. So, Carl, uh, so Carl, Carl Eunish helped us build a... Carl Eunish? Mm-hmm. If Adam...

He's a... Well, he's more of an installment artist of stained glass, and he does stained glass, and he, uh, he's got pieces in St. Louis right now. They're really good. He's got, uh... Oh, well, dude, he's got shit everywhere, dude. He's just, he's a, he's a rural artist. I've seen his work down at Our Lady of the Valley Catholic Church.

Oh, have you? No. Oh. Oh. Oh, stained glass. Oh, dude, he's fucking rad. Yeah, he's fucking rad, dude. No, obviously, yeah, that's bad.

Yeah, he's amazing. He's amazing. He put together this cabin and stuff, and, like, he does all this work. So he basically, he basically just came into the yard. We were, so we have, like, some projects that working with rural art and stuff like that. He was like, well, yeah, watch this. And we had another guy out there, John Trotter, and they both kind of, like, everybody kind of got together and started putting together this goat. pin, which was made up of just like an old fire pin, old skateboard, stuff like that.

And it's got like a drawbridge and stuff. Now she's getting kind of big, so we're like having to like change it around. But what we've decided to do with it is take a parachute material and we're cutting it out into a pattern to make it, to shape it and paint it like a like a spaceship. So we could throw blowers up underneath it to make it look like like an inflatable, like one of those bouncy house, like like spaceships. but put the goat pin inside so like when you walk up on it

it'll be like goats or just say like it'll look like a spaceship it's got to say something cool inside you all. Theoretically would this pen be big enough for velociraptors? Yes. And dragons and fuck dragons

and anything else you want to bring like it should be about so we should be able to put like three 40 pound goats in it would probably maybe a little bit wider than this room.

Maybe it's tall. I don't know. So, baby goats. Anyways, so, like, you walk into it, and then there's these baby goats playing around, and then there's, like, cool lights going around it, and it's just, like, a room to go in and fucking trip around, and trip in.

It'd be fucking rad. Goats in space. It's a goat pen. Yeah. But it's made for you to trip inside of. Well, see, on the outside, it just looks like an inflatable... Or the goat trips, inside of it. Well, the ghost's going to trip.

Yeah, right, yeah. Have you heard of, have you heard of that Mongolian throat singing? Yes, I have. So, yeah, you put that on, and a goat will fucking trip the fuck out. Hey, go, y'all don't believe me? You all right? I absolutely do believe you, but please go on.

You don't believe me? Look, show it to us, but put it up to the mic so that we can hear it in there. I got you. Yeah, yeah. All right, we're back to hear Mongolian goat singing. And they said, and they got out there, they sing about goats, two goats. They'll be out there, goddamn playing. DJ. And the goats will be out there fucking trying to get hooked.

How'd you discover this? Oh, this is Andre. Goat school. Yeah, no, Andreah was looking for some solid tunes to play Miss Nessie while they, fucking, yeah. While they talked about their, I don't know, whatever shit was going on. Just goat shit. Goat shit. Yeah, yeah.

So. It's part of her goat research. Hold on. Put the bottom part up to the mic. Bottom part. The speaker. The speaker part. Where your fucking speakers are at the bottom. Yeah, that's what's up. Yeah, that goat does look like...

I bet that tripped everybody out. It could have for a little bit. I got... Well, weird about that. So you're telling me that goats trip out just to noises. They have a whole thing where these folks go out there and sing to these fucking... This type of throat singing. there's one yodeler and he's and he's mastered this like different types of octaves

but yeah man they go out there and they sing about goats two goats and the goats just go out there fucking trip out of dude okay let me let me ask you this but see goats can't buy tickets as my way what i was about a fucker could sell out what i was going to ask is like are you are these motherfuckers just tripping balls and they do this and just be like them goats are freaking out oh i mean yes that has to be the case What else could literally be the possible? I'm just asking questions. The art of goat yodeling.

Of goat yodeling, all where they're communicating with these. Okay, but DJ, what I'm saying is, I could have done my set from tonight. To a go. In front of a bunch of goats. And I could have been like, dude, this is hitting for these goats. Right. Look at them. Because if the goats are just like fucking chewing cans up and throwing show up.

No. I'd be like, yo. I'm crushing for these goats. But listen to what I'm saying. You watch these videos. They're playing and they're playing and they're so with their voices, they're getting it. They're like doing it into these crazy tones with like the cello and the fucking violin and shit.

Or you. And like the goats are like just fucking sitting there goddamn. You guys can't see this, but DJ just swallowed the microphone. But the ghosts are like that damn. Fuck, what fuck, dude? Are they tripping or confused? Dude, they look like they're just goddamn mesmerized. Like, their eyes.

If you look at this video, like, Nessie's eyes, and they got wild people anyway, man, they're like rectangles. But then my other, shoot up, and her eyes get real big, and then she just does that thing right there, like that fucking dog. They're just a Jesus camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. That's exactly what it is.

They're just testified. Testified. Get that Holy Ghost. They're getting all there. Holy goat, boy. Yeah, man. Holy goat. Yeah.

I'm telling you. Man, y'all, man, y'all check this out. We'll trip you to fuck out, dog. When are you going to get your second goat? Uh, here soon, man. Hopefully. Well, because you told me when you first got this goat, direct quote from you,

you go, you came over to my house, you brought the goat. You left immediately, me with the goat, which hit for me. And you come back and you were like, hey, buddy, how was it watching that goat? And I was just like, oh, it was mesmerized, you know, the whole time. It was great. And you were just like, yeah, baby, I got to get me. another goat. And I was like, you like the goats that much? And you go, it ain't about me.

It's just that an only goat is a lonely goat. And that's a goddamn fact. Yes, it is. It is an absolute fact. But with Miss Nessie, see, there's not a lot of good breeding practice up there. It's fucking livestock. That's what people don't understand. So,

where we got Nessie, wasn't from the most... That's the part of all the stuff he's been saying people don't understand, guys. That goats are livestock? Yeah. And there's not like a dog. It's not Like a dog, you can't just... Dogs ain't lifestyle. Man, when we took this goddamn fucking...

This rectangle-eyed beast was mesmerized by a throat singer. Even when we took her to the motherfucker that did the horse doctor shit, man, that's something bitch didn't do nothing. But go out to the fucking yard, pull some honeysuckle leaves off the goddamn fucking bush, sling it on a goddamn ground and go, huh, I think she needs to fart. But what? You did what? Hey, that wouldn't even it.

Hey, that wouldn't even it. Check this shit out. Check out what this motherfucker goes. So we're like, well, I mean, you know, blah, blah, blah. He's like, well, you know, goats really don't have a will to live. I'm a goat, goddamn. I didn't realize this whole time. He's teasing fart and he don't have a will to live.

Like, it's bad enough we've got to keep it alive. Now we've got to give this motherfucker a reason to live. Maybe not right now. Maybe we're not the right people for this job. You throw that motherfucker in that space tent, though, with some Mongolian throat, saying, and then another goat and shit, you know, you don't know what's going to happen.

Buddy, that's what I say. We all got matching pajamas, got an Instagram account. Dude, it's been rocking and rolling ever since. But I ain't even going to fucking lie to you, man. As soon as that motherfucker said that, we look down, this little bitch got her tongue in an electrical socket. I ain't even going to get you. I'm not even fucking lying to you, dude.

I was like, I hope she dies. Hey, it's you boy the show. Let's take a break real quick from the podcast to talk about the people who make the podcast. possible. Look, we're all adults here, except for me. And some of us choose to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just

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So fresh is so pee-Pee. Hey, hey, well, we're back on the Well-Red podcast. And I like to kick it off by saying, mercy, mercy, fart on me. That's the way that love should be Baby, you're the only one I see Some mercy, mercy

Fart on me Why don't you fart on me? Man, bringing back the classics. That was a long fucking time ago, too. I cannot believe you remembered all the fucking words that, like it. It's funny because that was at the last live show that we did. Wow. But that was still a year and a half ago.

No, man. So how did you... In Nashville, where, by the way, you can go ahead and get tickets to our Christmas show. Well-read Comedy.com. W-E-L-L-R-E-D.com. And I ain't bullshit in you. We just got word yesterday that the Nashville shows, which are in December, are already selling like goddamn hotcakes.

So y'all better get them now if you want to enjoy us at our residency, at our favorite club in the country, Zanis in Nashville. But we're back. Well-R-R-R-R-Podcast. DJ Lewis is here. We're talking about goats. We're talking about dinosaurs. We're talking about all sorts of shit.

Wes Van Horn is here. Wes, how you doing? I'm chilling, man. Yeah? You got me spread out here on his bed. You got any more dragon theories? Something will come up. Yeah.

There's no lack. I don't like that. Let's just get into it. We'll figure it. Something's going to pop up. How did you, how did you fellas enjoy that stage tonight? Oh, man. I'm serious.

Like, that was, like, I always, like, well, I don't say always, but, like, the older I get in comedy, I've been to stand up for, like, almost 17, 18 years now. I've kind of gotten over the whole, like, everybody goes like, oh, yeah, this is my therapy, you know, I don't, the stage is my therapy. Now I'm like, bitch, go to therapy. You know what I mean? Like, that's not what this should be, like, oh, I just take it all out on the stage. But I will say, I did genuinely not know how much I needed that.

Like genuinely, because like I've been a guy who is entire identity for, since I was 16 years old, was I'm a stand-up comedian. This is what I do. And then in 2019, that was taken away from me. It was taken away from a lot of us. And I was just like, holy fuck. And then I had no choice, as a lot of people did, but to reinvent themselves and to start doing other things that wasn't on stage, stand-up comedy and going like, oh, you can still be funny. You can still do comedy that's not on the stage. And I'd kind of like convince myself of like, oh, yeah.

I mean, I love that. That's my first love. But like, I don't need it. I just need the validation of blah, blah, blah. I was fucking wrong as shit. I was wrong as shit. And I was talking to you before the show. And I was like, I'm so fucking nervous.

Like, this feels like the first time. Like, I don't really know what to do. And you were like, dude, you told me DJ said. He's like, buddy, you get out there. You get that first pop. You're going to remember exactly who you are. And like, man, I just felt so in the pocket. It was so cathartic.

Again, I still need, like, regular therapy. But, like, it was great. It was genuinely great. And I'm so looking forward to building this new act for the tour. Because, you know, I did some, some of the hits. But also, like, I did some new stuff, and it went really well. So it was fucking great. Trey, how'd you feel?

Well, it's funny because I, like, I felt very much. It was like nothing ever changed. Right. You know everything changed. What I mean by that is, I, in my head tonight, I had been on stage in 18 months, and I was sweating the fuck out of it. And it went fine. We were freaking the fuck out behind saying.

We were freaking the fuck out. But in my head tonight, I'm already like, I kind of lost them at check drop. Right. And when check drop happened. Like, I, and so. You're already back in that zone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Like, immediately I'm back in the zone. I kind of lost him at check drop and I got them back a little bit after that. But I need to do something about that. And what am I supposed to do? Where do I hit them in this? Yeah. And, you know, as opposed to being, as opposed to just being like,

I hadn't been on stage in 18 months. It was fucking, oh, it felt so good. It did. It hit. Anybody that was in Birmingham tonight, I appreciate it, it hit really hard. But, yeah, I'm like, I immediate one show. You were like, God, damn it. One show and immediately I'm already like...

Thinking about the negative? Yeah. Well, dude, I was... I'm already like, I kind of lost them at this part. Yeah. Right when this happened and I need to fix that or whatever. Well, it's funny you say that because for me, all that happened before I even got to the goddamn club because me and my wife Amber drove to the show and left in plenty of time to get there.

And then there was fucking a wreck and there was this traffic and there was that traffic. And then they were cutting it close. And it was immediately the most stress-fueled situation. that I'm, that I was so used to when we just were on the road all the time that I had forgotten about. And we were sitting there in traffic. And it was like, holy shit, you're going to, you need to holler at Drew and tell him to go first because you might not make it. And I was like, what a welcome back to the road. And I fucking texted my manager like halfway kid, but I was like, I already need a break from the road. Like, I already fucking need a break. But like, for real,

it was, uh, it was, uh, it was unbelievable, man. It was super cool to, because, I had some moments where some new premises I was throwing out there didn't necessarily land. But I remember being on stage and even when that happened, I was like, God damn, you hadn't even felt this in forever. You hadn't even felt that like, I'm going to work on this because, and I hate to be all Matthew McConaughey. You need to check in on the M and the E and you need to keep everything up on this top eye, you know. But I will say for us, genuinely, the journey is better than the destination. I genuinely enjoy that whole process of like it's not where it needs to be right now, but I know that I can get it there.

And like when something fails, I'm just like, hey, room for improvement. That's fucking great. But yeah, I thought it was fucking, I just, I feel like me again for the first. And we're back doing fucking podcast together. Like, this feels normal. Yeah, man. This is fucking rad. Wes has, you can tell you about your first time on stage?

Oh, fuck. Stage? Yeah. That's what you call it? Jesus. So I meet Drew and DJ. They're kind enough to invite me down, and I was going anyway. I hit them up to the minor strike, the Alabama.

They were kind enough to have me in a place. They were kind of enough to welcome me after I messaged them, hey, I'm coming. And so we get there. inviting my mamma to the beauty shop. And it's just, I mean, it's just hot Alabama day spread out in the middle of a field. Hot as shit, this motherfucker burns his feet. But, and then it's just this flatbed truck. And nobody knows what's going on as far as I can tell when I showed up.

No, no. Really? And so I was like, I was like, I was like. I was like, I was like, I was like, um, this, I can see what's happening here. Let me, I'll take the. Brunt off of you two, and I'll just go up. I'll do two new jokes maybe. I've been 18 months, probably longer than that.

And there's like no one. The closest person is under a tree probably 100 feet away. Trying to get out of the heat. Just in the shade 100 feet away. So I crush. No, it was miserable. And I tried. had like two new things I wrote on the way down.

And I was like, all right, I'm just going to bring, I'm just going to bring DJM or Drew. But, yeah, that was a, and then I did a show later, and I felt a real audience and a real pop to be back, to be back. But that was like, okay, it doesn't get worse than this. Yeah. As like a first show back, it's like, no pressure. It's not going to get worse. It can't get worse.

Then a bunch of miners in camouflage telling me to go, fuck you. myself in so many looks. The last time I said, well, at least it can't get worse, was when my uncle shot himself in January 2019, and then it immediately did. Well, his ghost started haunting you. Yeah, yeah. I bet his ghost went to the Capitol.

Celebrate that one-year anniversary of being dead. Holy shit. Did he shoot himself on January 6, 2019? That'd be hilarious. It would be so funny. That's why they did the whole thing. It was an honor. It was the one year in a rich.

Hey, hey, hey, what's your uncle's name? Jordan. I guarantee you there's a bunch of motherfuckers there on behalf of an uncle Jordan. That's true. That's very true. Oh, fuck. I didn't even think about it like that.

Wes. What's the fucking worst show you've ever had in your entire life? Oh. As a comic. Like whether you fucked it up or not It's both It's both It's going to be both

It's always both The worst one's both At least you can admit it Some comics aren't brave enough To be like yeah that was on me I was probably two years Maybe more into comedy I was living in Kansas City at the time

And if you don't know about Kansas City comedy There was this club called Stanford and Sons Run by Craig Glazer Oh yeah Yeah That's a whole other podcast But anyway They had, you could like hire comedy, you know, like comedy clubs.

If you're having an event, you can go to them and say, I need comedians for this event. Yeah, yeah. So what he did was grab me and my buddy Scott, just both kind of open micers at the time, or hosts at the club. And it was at a Hindu temple. Nice. Local Hindu temple. Local. And we get there.

It's packed, huge room, packed. And the host goes. goes, okay, so this is great. What does this room look like? I mean, it's a Hindu temple. Yeah, a lot of gold. And then, yeah, just, I mean, you play Jedi Fall in Order, you get it?

You know, the first thing you notice immediately is that there's just a shit ton of kids running around, like a bunch of them. And I'm not clean by any means, if you can imagine that after my intro on this podcast. But I, so we go and, we get there and the guy grabs us and he goes so glad you guys are here none of these people know

comedy is coming always good you know a hindu temple full of families and they don't know comedies coming and we want you to work cleaning which wasn't you know I probably should have assumed right hindu temple right but but it was still was it like an event yeah but it wasn't I don't know what the event was I can't recall this is wow But it was fucking bad. I mean, it's the one I always think of when I think of just a hell. And then, I mean, we get up probably, probably do 15 minutes each. Is it a hell gig if they don't believe in hell, though?

Yeah, I guess not. I guess it's, yeah, I don't know. It's like a slaughtered. Coward cow. Slaughtered cow. I was doing this from a cow's asshole. But it was, uh, yeah. So, and then, I mean, it just went exactly how you think it would go,

which is just everyone's staring at me being like, get the fuck, what? And like, no joke, not one hit, I don't think. Maybe, I think I opened up with, like, a clean version of a pussy eating joke. No, no, I opened up by saying, I know I look like a cow, but don't start worshipping me until you hear my set. Which, that hit, that hit kind of. That did not hit? No, it hit kind of. Kind of.

That's great. Kind of went okay. And then that set up too high of a bar. for the rest of my bullshit. Yeah, exactly. Go back to the cow shit. Keep moving for us. You were crushing.

And then it was like, oh, no, we can relate to that. We can't relate to your fucking pussy eating. Dick don't work jokes. So that was probably the one. Yeah. If I had to pick one out of a lineup. DJ, what's yours? Man, I had to say.

I know. Yeah, man. Oh, Salina, Kansas, right? Yeah. Yeah, Salina, Kansas. We've never told that. I don't think we've told that story on the podcast, and if we have, then whatever.

Yeah, we definitely have, but it's been a long time. Yeah, it's a lot of Kansas. You and DJ have. Yeah, exactly. Go ahead and start telling. What do we start? What, by snorting all the boner pills? Or do we...

Well, we start with me and you... So you guys hung out with the owner. Me and you are both two absolute, not worthy at all piece of shit comedians who the gig was actually supposed to be for somebody else our buddy Big Ed

and then he was otherwise booked and he referred us to this hotel in Salina Kansas and he goes hey man I'm going to get you all this gig like it's I think I want to say that the pay was $1,800. Yeah

I think it was it was more than we had ever been paying. Ever. It was It was, it's like, $1,800. Now, when you're a, I guess I was like 24, 25 or something like that, comedian, you hear $1,800, you don't think, but you have to get yourself to Salina, Kansas. Like, you don't think about that shit at all. Oh, I got to mention that I got, I think it was about $35 for the Hindu temple gig, too. And that was great because I had not been paid to do a lot of stand-up at the time.

So it was like, was it a sack of coins? I just took a piece of gold on my way out off the wall. So I don't know who that offended, and that's on me. Hey, real quick, Kansas City's like the beef capital of the world. Yeah, I guess. I just feel like that's a strange place for Hindu folk to move. Well, there's Mormons in Vegas. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but they're there to save people. Maybe they're there to save them cows. Right, yeah, yeah. But I hear you're going to get $1,800. dollars to this gig. So I immediately am like, well, I'm going to fucking Salina, Kansas, wherever the fuck that is. And I'm like, I'm bringing DJ with us. I saw a hour of DJ. I'm just like, hey, buddy, I tell him the number. I'm like, I'll split it with you. And he's like, shit, yeah, buddy. And so we're sitting there and we're like, well, the most economical way would be for

us to take your dad's car, you know, Armada, this gas guzzling son of a bitch. And actually, actually, now that I'm thinking about, I think it was actually more money than that, but it was in that range. But at that time, like, this, we're talking about a time when, like, gas was like $1.25, like, shit was different. It was a lot of money. And so we, yeah, we... Dude, your face was so big.

When we walked in, it was at that poster inside of the hotel with your face on it. It was, like, scrolled down. Fuck, New Year's Eve with Corey Ryan Forrester. Dude, I was on top of the fucking world. It was wild. So me and you are, and the boner pills comes up, Well, we're driving to Salina, Kansas, and we, me and DJ, a lot of people listening to this are about to be very shocked. But we did a lot of drugs.

A bunch of drugs. We did a bunch of drugs, but we hadn't been paid our $1,800 yet, so we couldn't, like, go. Doing drugs on spec. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. We need them in hand. So we're driving on the road, and here's how broke I was at the time. Not only did I have to borrow my dad's SUV.

I literally had to borrow his duffel bag. I didn't even have a duffel bag. I had to borrow my dad's duffel bag, and we were driving down the road, and we were reaching into the duffel bag, and my dad had, and God damn it, Dad, if this is the first podcast you ever listened to, I'm so sorry, but dad had a pack of them. You remember extends? Yeah, of course.

Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy Johnson was like, this one makes your dick hit. Probably like your dad got him just to support Jimmy. Of course. didn't use them. Yeah, why would he? And so, I mean, it wasn't open. And so DJ, I was like, this is fucking dick pills. And DJ immediately goes, but it's got a fedron in it. And by the way, we didn't look that up. We didn't do anything. We just crushed

all of these extends and snorted all of them. We snorted. Y'all's dicks hard the whole time? As a rock. I just, just, weird. Yeah, just autopilot, just steering like this. But so we get there. And I remember, I can't remember this fucking dude's name, but they were like, hey, you're going to stay at this guy's house. He's the Booker. And you get in there a day early.

Yeah. And then you stay at his house. And then he will take you all to the hotel. And we're like, fucking all right. Yeah. Well, we get there. And raging hard-ons. That's where we came up with the brand-new television show that we invented called

Turkey Mass. It's a turkey show. Yeah, Turkey Mets show. He had a stuffed turkey, and me and DJ were drunk as shit. That's all you needed. And you were like, he had a stuffed turkey. You're like, yeah, turkey mask. Yeah.

Welcome back to turkey masks. We're going to like a show. Corridor-in-Force. You did. Work for the DEA though. Oh, he did. He did. He did.

I forgot about that. And by the way, that was on our first camera phones. Like, we literally didn't have camera phones before then, but we were just like, oh, we can make a video. Yeah, that's right. But he did work for the fucking DEA. And he was like, y'all can stay in my fucking basement. And then he just gave us all the money in cash for the show before we'd even done it.

Like, before we'd even done it, he's like. It's like a sting operation. He's like, here's all the money. They was setting you up. And like, even though me and DJ love doing shows, there was definitely part of us that was just like, we can get back in that car, you know what I mean, right now. But we didn't, and we go and we're doing this hotel show.

The rule was never, you're not supposed to drink. We signed a contract, and in our contract, it said, it didn't say you can't drink. It said you can't drink before the show. Right. And it said, and this guy explained it to us in fucking full detail. is like if you drink before the show, everything's void and you don't get paid.

And as big of fuck shits as me and you are, we're not dumb enough to think we don't need to go back home with this $1,800 because like that's the only way that we can fucking get home. So we didn't drink a goddamn drop before the show. Not a drop. Now it was also made very aware to us

that no one on earth was there to see us because there, of course, There was a band after us that we were opening for, that everyone, like, that's a big, like, the whole hotel was. It was New Year's Eve, right? Yeah. It was New Year's Eve. And so, like, they always go to see them, and they're going to have comedians before them, right?

So every single year in Salina, Kansas, people come to this New Year's Eve thing to see this band fucking hit and do their Skinner covers and shit like that. And also, we're going to have the- all might be there. Yes, and here's the thing, here's the thing, like realistically, when you're looking at it

from a booker's aspect, it's the dumbest shit that they gave anyone $1,800, let alone two people to drive from fucking Jordan. They don't need y'all for anything. Nobody wants,

they could have got two local, I mean, I'm not, I don't know how the... They could have done nothing. They could have done nothing. I don't know how, I don't know how the Salina, Kansas fucking comedy scene is,

but they're fucking idiots out there. Yeah, but they could have just given us nothing. Well, me and DJ we got our money and they were like, okay, you're going to go up. And so DJ goes up. And again, and I promise you, the man had

had not one drop to drink. Now granted, DJ sober, that's never really great. Actually, for the record, if I can be truthful, this was a time where you sober was worse than you fucked up. Because you sober was like you would be going

through some shit. You know, mean because we've stayed fucked up so DJ goes up and it's not you're going to be shocked going well it's not going well at all awful and at some point DJ that was aware of it because I was sober so he was just very aware of it and he decides at some point you know what will change everyone and here's mine if I stand up on this table grab my dick and tell everyone to suck it seemed like it was the right idea at the time yeah I mean every well the rest of it wasn't working why not fucking go for something different. Been distracted by your boner in the whole show.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, you can't get rid of that. They didn't have a doctor in town. So DJ does that, and then I'm sitting there just like, oh, God, I got to go up. But I'm going, you know what, dude, you're a fucking pro. Like, you've got this shit, you'll go up, you'll hit him with that club stuff. And then also, Salina, Kansas is literally 10 miles from West Borough Baptist Church. where me and DJ

before we went to do this show we went and visited because we're like dude we're close to Westboro Babbage church. Yeah, super fans. Love what they're doing.

So we went... Let's take our boners over there. Me and DJ had this idea because we just learned that our phones could take pictures that we were going to go over there and do some wild shit at Westboro Baptist Church.

Yeah. We get there and you remember in fucking Chappelle when he's talking about how or Charlie Murphy when he's like, I saw Rick James's aura, his orange aura.

same shit with Westboro, was it not? It totally was. It was fucking spooky, dude. We pulled up there and like, I'm not, I'm not kidding. Like, me and DJ both were just like, something changed in us. We were just like, we were there

and we could actually see it and like the hate was like permeated. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was gross. And we started, we were like, in our minds, we were going to like take our video cameras and like go fuck with them.

But DJ was like, buddy, if they'll do all, I think they'll kill us. Yeah, for sure. We were like, fuck that. So we had that experience, and I thought, okay, if West Borough Baptist don't hit for most of the world, which it don't, like, it don't. Like, it don't shit, all right, son of a bitch. The Westboro Baptist is even altered that.

Like, it don't hit for people. I go, it definitely can't hit for the people closest to it. Right. It's got to hit for them the least. You know what I mean? Because they're- shit on them and it'll hit. Yeah, that's what I thought.

I start fucking shitting on West Barrow Baptist Church. and dude fucking like I don't know if the people there were members or whatever but like dude it started getting didn't help that the Westboro Baptist band was playing right after you guys yeah yeah yeah yeah

the Westboro quartet was choir yeah yeah they were all there to see for the new years God hates fags quartets but dude but dude the God hates four but dude

and like and the thing is I wasn't just riffing. Like, I'd actually had, like, a bit about Westboro that I'd done in Chattanooga at the Comedy Catch, which is a conservative room that hit for them because they were like, yeah, fuck those people, you know? And it just, it just starts, it's just not, not going well at all. And I look over and I'm like, I need to get into my closer.

I got like 10 minutes left. And I look over when this fucking lady is just sitting there just like, you know, from the hotel just doing this shit. And I'm like, she's saying, I can't, she's stretching. it out. Choo! I was it for her. Yeah, yeah.

And she just said, yeah. And so I fucking... People only listening, she's literally standing there giving you the... Cut it off. Cut this shit out. Stop now. The international symbol of no.

Yeah, exactly. Right, right. But I'm just like... Yeah, right, exactly. Oh, fuck yeah. Get them more. And so I was just like, okay, whatever, I'll see you. And I'm worried, though, like, because the first lesson, got in comedy was do your time.

Do your time. You know what I mean? Like, do your fucking time. They can do you. They can do that. And so I'm, and so, but I, but she fucking keeps giving me this. So I leave and I was just like, I walked over and I go, is everything okay? And she was sweet and she was just like, look, you're fine. Everything's okay. But like, they clearly weren't into it.

And I was just like, well, if that's the case, you could have done this shit long ago. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't have to wait for all this. but all that happens and now because our show is over in our contract me and DJ

are technically allowed to drink and it was an open bar and boy we got fucking hammered I mean I'm talking we were just standing in line with three in our hands

just fucking pounding them doing shots and in our mind we were just like we'll go like mingle amongst the people and find some people that we hit for it they all fucking had it

yeah we did it right yeah dude people were literally walking up to us while we were at the bar and just like getting in front of us and just going fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck you. We hate you. That hate you. That much. They stole all my t-shirts. Oh yeah. We had merch. We had fucking merch. So me and DJ got drunk as shit and we were just like, you know what? By God, we're going to sit here at this

fucking merch table. Yeah. And I had those goddamn shirts that Rick made me with Reagan on them because he's an idiot. And I was sitting there just like, I don't just like, I don't just be We're going to sit here. Damn, I forgot about it. We're going to make everybody walk by, and they were just walking by, fucking giving us all the goddamn bird finger. Well, I'm sitting there on this fucking chair

that has what I thought was my jacket on it. And I put this jacket on. And me and DJ, I was like, DJ, we got to go to the room because these motherfuckers are going to absolutely fucking murder us. Well, I go to bed. And when I go to bed and I'm that drunk, I get butt-necked. And I get butt-necked. And I get butt-necked.

And I am absolutely head-to-webucked. toe covered in blood when I wake up and I'm also I'm like itchy everywhere and burning and I look and I've just been rolling around in glass and I'm like what the fuck is going on? And I look up and DJ's just

fucking laying in his bed with like a half lamp you know, like the only way I can describe this lamp is that it was a half of a lamp and so DJ's sitting there and I'm like motherfucker what and then we start reviewing our new phones that we were able to take videos and stuff on and

DJ just read was like fuck this wrecked the goddamn room turned everything on top of itself and I was like we got to get to fuck out of here and DJ was like and so I was like I'd go get the car and he goes get your jacket and I was like that ain't my fucking jacket he goes you's wearing it all last night and I fucking go I fucking go get this jacket and I look it's a goddamn Tom Ford P-code I immediately looked it up on the internet it was like seven hundred dollars I just stole off some piece of shit that hated me and then we fucking left and like Yeah, the hotel called, you know. And they were just like, we're going to avoid your contract because, but by the way, when they said they were going to avoid our contract, they hadn't even mentioned the fact that there was blood on all the fucking sheets and all that shit.

And all that shit, they were just like, y'all got drunk before your show. And we were like, no, the fuck we didn't. Like, we needed that goddamn money. The one thing we didn't do is what they said. Yeah, really. Literally. That's all that matters. They could have got us on any other shit and they didn't.

They drum my man up on false charges. And so we were freaking out, and this was days of when all of our contact with each other, this group here was on a Facebook thread. And so me and DJ are freaking out. We're like, goddamn, like, you know, they're coming at us saying that they're going to make us send all that. First off, they were just like, you need to send the money back. We're like, y'all gave us cash. Like, you think that's going to fucking happen.

You've lost your mind. And they were like, we're going to, you know, charge you with legal action. And my fucking, like, white ass is just like, okay, bring it. But DJ's fell in ass is just like, buddy, we can't have that shit. Yeah, we don't have any cops right here. And so we consulted with our lawyer, resident lawyer, Drew Morgan, who just called the hotel, gave him the what fur, and they called and apologized to us. Damn sure did. Yep.

Hit very hard. Trying to draw my man up on false charges. But, yeah, that was not a good show. Happy New Year. Dude, New Year's shows are notoriously bad. Absolutely. Right. Same era.

You guys remember Paul Pee? I don't know why. Well, you want to go see music. You want to get fucked up. Of course. You want to party. You don't want to pay attention? Dude, nobody was to listen to a person talk.

You guys remember Paul Pee? I do. I do. Pill Pee. Paul Pee's Pills. He's talked like that right there. And they walk up here on stage. Hey, ladies, you just want to party after the show.

Trey. It was a nice fucking guy. So you could get out of pill bottle. I'm a nice fucking guy. I'm a nice fucking. fucking guy. Don't you remember some of his one-liners? He'd get his pills out and shake it.

No, no, no, no. That's a hillbilly. No, that's Jimmy, you're thinking of it. Jimmy, fucking hit. Yeah, Jimmy hit. And I'll do some of Jimmy's one-liners later if y'all won't. Of course I do. So Paul P. we'd come around, he would shake a pill bottle at women in the front

room. We'd like, you hear that, ladies, I know you got that pussy on you. And it just was a nightmare. Where's a pussy out? I know you got it on you. By the way, not for nothing. that does work sometimes. You know what I mean?

He was casting a wide net. He definitely workshopped that. He was a chicken fisher. Yeah. So he sets this show up in his hometown of Corbyn, Kentucky, the metropolis, at a fucking, like a guard armory, National Guard Armory.

And he tells us all about it and he's going to sell a million tickets and all this other stuff. And look, we were like, his dude's full of shit, but he's guaranteed it's like 25 at least apiece. And he... And all the pills, you can...

take. $25 dollars or minutes? Dollars. Both. Either way. Yeah. It was 15 minutes. I mean, at that time, that's great. You would have just taken the 25 minutes. Of course. And so, and we talk, I remember we were talking, it was Derek. Derek and I were talking like, man. Derek Dennis? Yeah.

My man. Me and Derek Dennis were talking. It was like, man, this dude's full of shit, but like, he said he ain't never done a show in his hometown. He probably will get 20 or 30 people out because he's never done it. And this dude, he used to be a preacher there. If he always has pill bottles on him, like, people are going to come. We got in there. He used to be a preacher?

It is a, yes, it is a gym, like a basketball gym. Like the biggest room you can have in a rural area. Literally the biggest building in fucking Corbyn. He has set up 500 chairs on the floor, and there are four people there. Yeah, you'll have that. And he has a disco ball. It's on. All the lights are on, and this disco ball with, like, the colored lights is just spinning.

There's a band. The band plays two songs. then they leave. Yeah. So now it's just the comics in these four people who clearly hate Paul P. Of course.

Like they know him, but they hate him. They came to watch him fail. They came to watch him fail and accuse him of stealing. One of them was accusing him of stealing his life. That's my line. So buddy, we're saying,

I start taking notes. Like, one thing I did get out of it is I got a bit that I did at the open mics about the night for the next two weeks. Derek Dennis gets up there and just starts berating the people there for being there.

Just like making fun of them. That's what you do when it's a small crowd. You don't thank them for being there. You go, why the fuck aren't y'all a hundred people, you fucking idiots? Gail Grantham gets up there and does all her jokes about sucking dick and jacking dicks off. Hate it. Hate it. And then I'm closing it out, you know.

And I just stand up on a table and do comedy to their fucking faces. Nightmare. Like, not good at all. I mean, the comics were whooping and hollering and they were feeling it. But, like, it was. miserable. This dude was like a fucking biker. I saw his bike out there. He had two girlfriends with him and then I don't know

who the other person was. Probably just the Paul Pee Pill Piper or whatever. Paul Pee Pee Pee Pooper, you know. Just your classic Paupea Pilpomper. Miserable. Like I did 20 minutes just screaming at these people while standing at the table they're sitting at.

That don't sound like you. Not at all. And get done or whatever and then they, not a fist fight but then they got into a fight. Like Paul P got mad at them because, quote, y'all didn't bring anybody else and broke my heart. Paul Pee started crying.

Of course. Like, with his pills, which was kind of the best part of the show. Yeah, for sure. Anyway, I think that was the worst one I ever did. Just cavernous room, four people standing on a table screaming, while any hope we had

was shredded by my friend Derek Dennis, admittedly crushing for me, berating them for being there. And what are you going to do? buddy he went for it i had a show one time uh in uh god damn it what's that uh rainsville alabama uh you remember anthony clark that used to stand up he was like hey man he's like you're coming up at the catch like you're headlining stuff now like i'm going to set up a show at the rainsville country club nobody ever does anything out there so it'll sell good

instead of being like no one ever does anything out there and it'll remain that way forever And there's a reason. And so he goes, he's like, we'll sell tickets for $8 a piece and you can keep the whole door. And I was like, okay, you do all the promotion. I'll drive up. So I drive up with my fucking notebook full of jokes and I'm supposed to do an hour. Are you talking about the dude from West Virginia? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I should say, damn, no, no, no, dude, he hits for me. No, no, no. His name is, it's Anthony. It's Anthony Cole. No, no, no, Anthony Clark hits like a motherfucker. Yeah. Clark Anthony. Okay.

That's what he went by. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, he goes by another name too. It's like something like Clark. Paul Pee? No. It's something.

It's something. Yeah. And my bad, you're right. Dude, he's a total fucking. It would be hilarious if I was just now telling y'all that I did a show with Anthony Clark. For $8, you're going to keep the whole door? No, Clark something.

And he was a regular. Clark Barclay. Clark Barkley. That was his stage. I drive to Rainsville, Alabama, which is, it's 45 to 50 minutes from my house, get there,

and there's no one there, not a soul, not one soul is there, and it's not of 500 chairs that he set up, but like, it's a lot in this, like, country club, front room or whatever.

Zero people. Zero people. And I'm just, and he's just, zero's better than four. I agree with you. If it had been zero people, say fucking go home.

If it had been zero people, I'd have had a fine night. But it wasn't zero people. He's sitting up there and he's wearing his, he's got a fucking, like, jacket on. And he's got this whole thing. And I'm just like, oh, fucking Christ. And no one's there. And he's like, they'll fill in. And I'm like, it's 805.

The shit was supposed to start at 8. Like, people normally... There's at least someone. Someone. There's at least... Someone shows up. Well, God damn it. If I'm not... I told him, I said, buddy, I see you.

Good try. can I keep that poster? I look good in that. You know, whatever. And as I'm about to walk out, this fucking, like, Johnny Paycheck-looking, son of a bitch and his wife who looks like Johnny Paycheck,

walk in, both wearing all black, both wearing cowboy hats, both wearing fucking snake-skin black boots, walk in with a bottle of fucking Jack Daniels, because that was part of the thing on the poster. So these people are hitting real hard. Real hard. Sounds like.

And they, that was the thing was like you bring, you're not allowed to serve alcohol there, but you can bring your own alcohol. You pay your cover, eight bucks, you know, whatever.

So they sit there and we wait for a second, and it's just going to be them. And I just fucking, I was like, dude, no. Like, like,

no. And he's like, what are we going to do? And I said, I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to give these motherfuckers. They're $8 back and tell them to get the fuck out of here. He goes,

and he was like, It's so much simpler than the alternative. Yeah. We give them their $8 back. That's it. We have physically. Matter of fact. Y'all weren't split the door.

All this pain and misery. We're all about having to go through. Trey, have you processed that? They weren't split the door. He was giving me everything. Corey was getting it. So this dude was making no money. He just wanted to watch you here.

He just wanted to open and do this shit. Jesus. And I said, dude, just give him the, it's, the money is still warm from their hands. Like, just give them their money back. And he goes... I mean, they got dressed up to come down. They went to the liquor store.

Give them a show. Well, that was the attitude. And so... A bit more on the bottle of Jack Daniels than the comedy show. They didn't. So much more. And so I told him, I said, dude, just give them their fucking money back.

And he goes, I mean, you're going to have to be the one that tells them. And I go, okay. I was ready to get the fuck out of there. And I just walked down to their fucking, like, it was one of them plastic round tables that they're just both sitting at and just sitting there bottle-locked. And I go, hey,

good to see you. Like you guys made it out. Open with a lie. Please go to the fuck home. Clearly, this ain't it. Clearly God made a mistake. Yeah, and I go, I would love to, Honest to God, think that I, like, even tried to sweeten the pot.

I'll be like, I'll give you... Here's your money back. I'll buy that bottle of whiskey from you. Here's your money back and a peacoat that was $700. And I said that, and the fucking Johnny Paycheck man goes, he... Versus the Johnny Paycheck Warren. Joanne Paycheck. Joe in a paycheck.

Joanne, his credit card. I go, I go, look, guys, this is just like, I don't know if y'all know, but like, this just ain't going to be. And so I'll give you your money back. I'll buy that ball and Jack Daniels. It's like going to hit for you. Y'all just, y'all just, go, y'all just, mozy on out here the way you mozied on in. You guys know about mozied on in? Look in them hats, you mozying motherfuckers?

I see you mozied in here. And that guy... I will pay you $50 to mosey out. And so I said all that. I said all that. And the fucking Johnny Paycheck, dude, kicked his boots back, leaned back in his seat, twisted off the Jack Daniels bottle,

poured it into his little plastic cup, took a shot, and goes, we came to see a show. Give us the goddamn show. Let's see what you got. And so I go, all right. And I went up, did my first couple lines. They were sitting there just kind of chuckling.

And then I just shifted. And I was like, what are we even doing here? And I just sat at their table with them for an hour and a half. And we read through my joke book, like, line by line and went through premises. And I got drunk with them. So, I mean, actually, now that I'm saying this, not the best, not the worst show that I've read. But, like, I didn't do a show. like they just were there to do a thing and I was like it's this doesn't work me doing it

fuck it and I just sat down read my jokes and they were like that's good that don't head you know whatever and then we just did it I got drunk and then drove 50 minutes home just with $16 $16 bucks baby yeah that's not a bad show you just joined a thruple yeah 16 bucks and a dozen roses but that was like you got to understand all the like anxiety that was going through that that first part of it. But like, I give it to that dude. Like, they were just like, hell, buddy.

Rip it up. Now, I, genuine, I don't think that they'd ever been to any other type of comedy show to know what. Outdoors. Yeah. But, like, that was pretty rough. Trey, do you remember the Thirsty Turtle shows and that woman had her panties out?

I was there for that. Hell yeah. Was that when we were double-booked with the male strippers? Yep. Yeah. Were you out there? I don't know. I did the show on the show.

She came to the stage to tell me not to say, God damn, but she hadn't gotten her pants buttoned before she got back to the bathroom. I did a show at the Thirsty Turtle, and people yelled at me to get the fuck off the stage before they was going to kill me. So that happened at the Thirsty Turtle. That might have been the same show, and then your memory got slated because someone tried to murder you for doing comedy. I remember. You're like, yeah, sorry, Drew, I didn't hear the Mamma all yelling at you for cussing, because, I was threatened with a felony.

Yeah, no. Honestly, I cannot compete with any of those. The only two, my two worst shows ever were one of them was, and Drew was there for this as well. Me and Drew did an Earth Day show. Oh, my God, dude. Okay. You doing that makes it sound like it's going to hit when it ain't really going to hit.

The story sucks. Yeah, the story. It's not a good story, but in terms of doing the show, it was a fucking night. Nightmare. Me and Drew did an Earth Day show in the fucking World's Fair Park in Knoxville. Middle of the day. And it was like they were doing world. Earth. When you screamed at that com. Yes, he did. That's not the only time though. Yes, it is. Well, I know that. Jesus Christ. Yes, it is. When the truck is, when your truck was getting stolen? No, no, no. That was an open mind.

Different time. Different time. But at this show, you also screamed at a cop. I believe. I don't even remember why. At this point, were y'all doing... Was he not respecting the Earth on Earth Day? Were y'all doing the Earth Day show because, like, you cared about the calls or because somebody was like, come to this show? What do you think? Come do this show? Yes, of course.

I didn't like, but it was so... When you're starting out in comedy, you have... Well, also, I love the Earth, but the Earth don't want me to do comedy, too, an afternoon. I remember I was actually working side splitters that weekend, so I went there that night and was telling Frankie Paul about... Holy shit, Frankie Paul. telling Frankie Paul about the Earth Day show or whatever and he was just like that's fucking rough no relation to pill pop and Paul Pee but uh but uh but yeah no it was the Earth Day show at

world's fair park in Knoxville and we get there and uh there's it's like it's an amphitheater that seats like 500 people and there's maybe there's maybe 75 people there and he's like oh shit 75 people that's pretty good but when It seats 500 people and they all are seating themselves. It's, might as well be nobody. And there are also people who came out for Earth Day.

Except for the fact that they had their children ribbon dancing in front of the stage. Like it's just a bunch of eight-year-olds waving ribbons around in front of the stage because it's Earth. For the Earth. That was the, that was, the celebration

was fucking eight-year-olds waving ribbons back and forth littering celebrating Earth Day everybody just waving the flag on the earth

we had to go up there and do fucking stand up in front of that and do you remember what else we did yeah we did a sketch we did a sketch and not like a

like a kind of absurd sketch really you really needed a here to get oh that type of sketch it could have been buddy

It could have been Dave Chappelle's Rick James. It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter. We still wouldn't have hit. But it was the opposite of that. It was just fucking... It was not Buster Keaton. I was about to say it would have to be some Buster Keaton silent shit for it to work.

It was about a guy who breaks into 50s movie monologues just like out randomly. Yeah. And like one girl's kind of into it. Can you give me any? example. Like, they're in a coffee shop, and there's a train goes by and goes, there's a train in this town? Where does that train go? Where does that train go?

I'll tell you where that train goes, Bessie. It goes out of this town, away from this factory and that goddamn Mr. McGovern. It goes to our dreams. That's where it goes, Bessie. And everyone's like, what the fuck is this guy on about? And one girl's like, I think it's lovely, and I love it, George. Will you love me? Like, I love that train?

Yeah, I thought it was good, too. But they hated it. Really? The Earth Day crowd. So girls just drop their ribbons and walk. He solved it. And the second, the second worst story that I have, which also doesn't compare, was with you, Corey. Yeah. When Corey was like, hey, I'm headlining this weekend.

Jackson, Tennessee. The fucking, the defunct Harvey's comments. Comedy Club. South Street. South Street. South Street. Oh, my God. He's like,

you want to come feature? And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. So I rode up there with him. And buddy,

I have never in my life had a crowd actively hate me. Oh, dude, out loud they hated him. They wasn't just silent. But the thing is... I'll give him this credit.

I say this every time, but it's true, but it's true. He loved it. I got up the, and I realized He swallowed it whole, son. I realized five minutes in, I was like,

I don't hit for them. I was like, these people fucking hate me. And then when I realized it, I just leaned in. Yes. And I started doing all the most liberal redneck shit I had. And I just started fucking shitting on the Confederate flag and everything. And it was all bombing the whole two to them. They hated me.

But I was just like, well, you know, if you got to be a monkey bear, believe you. Yeah. And as you all right. If y'all are going to hate me, I'm going to give you a reason to fucking hate me. I'm not going to eat shit for my right. And as you can imagine being comics, the only laughs he was getting was me cackling like a fucking hyena from the chair side stage, knowing that I have to go up. And I did fine.

But I'd done that room before. Like I'd done that room before. And that was actually like a really rare. I did really well in Jackson at that time. Like, genuinely, when I did Jackson at that time, even though I wasn't shit, dude, I can't. Yeah, no, I know. You had told me.

But, like, there was people there wearing my shirts and shit. You were like, no, man, this place hits. Yeah. It's a good room. It's going to hit. Yeah. Well, and it did for me, but, like, but dude, like, it was one of those, like,

Trey was eating shit so gloriously. So hard. But gloriously, like, there's a difference between eating shit and eating shit. triumphantly. Let him win. It's like, uh, it's, that's what I'm saying. Like, you know, it's like, uh, it's not, you're not flying, you're falling with style. You know what I mean?

He was falling with style. In a situation like that though, so long as you're like still, if you're knowing what time it is and you're sticking to your guns and you're not like, you know that you're like. And what do you think I did when I went up there? For sure. I shit on Trey for five minutes. I got the proud, babe.

And I sold three. And I sold three. $100 worth of merch. So that's what you got to do. But it's true. But again, like, he wasn't not, it was, I can't explain this to people with a comedy. He wasn't

not hitting. It just wasn't what they wanted to hear. It wasn't like a guy's going up there and telling bad jokes. It was a guy who was just in the wrong time. But again, like, I swear to you, it took him seven minutes. It was like, it was like that Bill Burr when he was in fucking

Philly and he's like, I got 11 fucking minutes. Like, Trey, you just saw this shift. come over and he looked at the crowd and he looked at me and he was just like, well I mean, all right, I wasn't going to do this joke, but if you're already going to hate me, fucking whatever. You might as well, yeah.

God damn. It's your time then. Yeah, and then of course afterwards we went to desperadoes you know, as was your... Yeah, they were like, we can give you $200 and a dirty room but you also get these wristbands to go to this half honky tonk, half

black club where there's, of course, not going to be all the fights ever. Like you remember that, do you remember that fucking that club, Desperados? Yeah. Like you literally, like it's the most like intentionally segregated shit ever.

Like you walk in and literally you, if you go this way, it is a nightclub that they're only playing Liljohn and fucking bone crusher. And if you go this way, it's just people doing fucking Dwight Yokeem on karaoke. And they expect no drunk bitches to cross over without their boyfriends knowing that they're going in this other one and shit to happen.

And so, I mean, you know, overall good experience. Never met a person that did that club that didn't get violently sick for a week afterwards staying in that fucking hotel. Yeah, man. So, yeah, rough times. Glad we're, uh, glad we're not in that bullshit anymore. And we're actually on a great tour, the well-read comedy tour. W-E-L-L-R-E-D comedy.com.

Go to well-red comedy.com and grab your tickets. Uh, we're going to be in Atlanta. we're going to be in Denver, we're going to be in D.C., we're going to be in, just fucking look, all the places. And if, what's that? Lexington. Lexington? That's all I got.

Oh, yeah, Nashville at Christmas. Those tickets are already going like crazy. And by the way... Spokane, Washington, Seattle, Washington. That's it. And by the way, if you don't see your city on the list... It's because we fucking hate you in your city. That's true, too.

But also, we may be coming there in 2020. Well, that's what they act like on Twitter. No, I know. You're not coming to my city? What's your? your problem. And it's so funny too, like, right now, because we're booking from like, like, it's fucking, it's

August almost. And we're like, all the dates that we have posted are just through this year. And they're like, what about blah, blah, blah. And we're like, do you understand that there's only so many fucking weeks? But I promise you, especially if like, we've done your club before and we're, we're coming. We're booking everything out. We're coming to

Canada. We're doing Portland. We're doing everything. So what you can do is sign up for the newsletter at well-readcom. W-E-L-L-R-E-D-com. And you'll see where we're going to be before any of us see where we're going to be. We appreciate you.

We love you. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you.

Good night and ski. They're the hero rednecks. They like cornbread, but sex they care way too much, but don't give a fuck. They're the neighborhood next that makes some people upset

But they got three big old dicks that you can suck