wellRED podcast - #242 - Trae and Corey Talk About Hobby Lobby, Halloween Candy, and GOD!!!

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

This week Trae and Corey discuss Halloween! From the parties to the costumes to Hobby Lobby canceling it and also how baptist churches in the south handle what they perceive to be the devils holiday!��Tickets for shows at WellREDcomedy.com we will be in Washington DC at The DC improv October 21-24!Lucy.CO promo code REDTryCaliper.com/wellred promo code wellred

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it.

Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.

I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the with one of the best savings rates in America. Banking with Capital One is the easiest

decision in the history of decisions. Even easier than choosing Slash to be in your band. Next up for lead guitar. You're in. Cool. Yep, even easier than that. And with no fees or minimums on checking and savings accounts, is it even a decision? That's banking reimagined.

What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See Capital One.com slash bank for details. Capital One and a member FDIC. They're the fever rednecks. They like cornbread but sex. They care way too much, but don't give a fun. They're the liberal rednecks that makes some.

people upset they got three big old dicks that you can suck. You all right? Yeah, I went down there on pipe. Your tea? Is that sweet tea? Yeah. Like diet or regular? Unfortunately, I believe it's regular.

It is. You know, I haven't had like a regular sweet tea and honest to God, maybe a year. I'm about to get canceled from our fans. Oh, we're going? Yeah, here we are. Here we are. You don't drink sweet tea no more, boy. drink sweet tea. Too big for your britches. It's diet. You're too small for your britches.

I am too small. I can't even drink sweet tea no more. Then britches I wore tonight, you probably could tell they was a little yoke-a-mey, Dwight yokelykemey. But like, I haven't been able to fit in them motherfuckers for like three years. And they're a little tight on me now, but like, I can fucking get in them and like button it. So, you know, fucking A. Before we get into all that, Hello, welcome to the Well Red podcast, all that good stuff. Did you know that if you're not subscribed to this podcast and you're just like randomly hearing it, you can subscribe. And that would be sweet.

You can find all our archives at well-readcom, W-E-L-R-E-D Comedy.com, which is also where you can find our tour dates. We're currently recording this in Huntsville, Alabama, but the next time you see us on the road will be in, and we're not just saying this, sincerely, one of our favorite comedy clubs in the whole world, and probably my favorite city will be at the DC Improv

October 19th through the 21st. That sounds about right. It's next weekend. No, it ain't next weekend. It's the weekend after that. Well, when this comes out, it will be next weekend. And I was wrong. It's October 21st through the 24th.

There you go, October 21st through 24th. Go to Wellredcomedy.com and grab those. This podcast is also brought to you by Trey Crowder's Patreon. Trey, tell them all about it. Yeah, I got Patreon. It hits. How do the people?

will find you. You just go patreon.com slash tray crow crowder and I review politicians on there and also learn the news and talk shit about it and whatnot. This week was Governor Christie Nome of South Dakota. Yeah. She wild. I would honestly have to find out everything about her from your Patreon because I don't even know who the fuck that is.

Yeah, we've featured her on the skews a few times. That's also check out weekly skews when we have Mark A.G. Smart Mark. uh every tuesday 5 p.m pacific 8 p.m. Eastern anyway she did she like governor south Dakota she was like uh she's one of them like palin yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah palin he kind except you know way more of a lunatic even yeah because yeah they have to be yeah exactly like dude going back and looking at palin it was just like yeah she was just saying a much of stupid she was stupid she was stupid right yeah like she her whole thing was being stupid right and like

I mean and now they're fucking maniac Right. And stupid. They're stupid maniacs now. Yeah, like, I'm sure Sarah Palin has gotten there herself, but like if you go back and look at most of her stuff, it's like, yeah, that was dumb, but it doesn't seem like she's a vile human being.

Right. You know what I mean? Like, she's just saying some dumb shit. But I'll have to go check that on your Patreon. Hey, I have a similar thing to a Patreon, but it's called a substack. I'm doing a weekly blog and newsletter. You can go to Corey Ryanforster.

Substack.com. Or you just go to my little Twitter and see it in my link tree. And it's sweet. I've had so many people subscribe in the three days that I've had it up. I'm writing journal entries.

I'm writing short stories, both fiction and nonfiction. Also, if you're a paid subscriber, you get the audio version of all that stuff. So it's super fun, and it's a super cool way to stretch my creative juices.

So we got those things if you want to support us in that way. But hey, just keep listening to the podcast. This boy over here stretching his juices. I'm stretching. I said stretching my juices. You did?

Yeah, stretching them juices, baby. What an idiot. How many times has something come out of my mouth and you're just like, what? A lot. Yeah. But, like, now, if I hadn't said anything, like. I wouldn't have even known that I said that. A lot of people wouldn't, I think, because that's your sort of your thing.

You do that a lot, but it's, it kind of always plays, though. Like, you'll say some shit and it's either funny or it makes sense or both or seems to make sense, but then you think about it for a second and you're like, hold on. Right. What the hell did he just say? You think it's because I talk so fast that by the time you're thinking about, I'm already on the next thing. That's probably part of it.

Yeah, because I'm fucking stupid, man. Like, I'm constantly, like, and you're always calling me on it and thank you for that. But, like, do you know how many times you just haven't been there? Right. And, like, other people who, like, you know, let's say they're regular people who don't know me and therefore aren't fans of mine just hear some shit like that and are like, this fucking dudes, he's a wakadoo. A wakado.

Yeah, baby. Speaking of Wackadoo, it's almost Halloween. It might be a little early to talk about Halloween, but I don't know. No, no, it's not. Listen, I know, I know. It's the month of October. Right. It's fucking time.

I know. I'm married to a white woman and she is a Halloween lunatic. I also think right now with how the world is, like, we, we're like in a sprint to get to the next fun thing. So like, fuck it. 31 days of Halloween, baby. Katie was wanting to decorate our house for Halloween in like mid-September or whatever. I'm for that. And I was telling her, I was like,

like don't because it's like you know our christmas tree in our room is still up from last christmas yeah yeah well say i'll be that way at christmas like really it won't even be the thanksgiving or whatever about about time to get that tree out because it brings you joy especially for us we're not even going to be there for most of the holiday season because we're going back to tennessee um for it but i'm still definitely putting a tree up so that does hit for you the christmas yeah i fucking love i could go either way on you which funny because i'm godless right Yeah, I definitely didn't have a good one when you were a kid. No.

I'm just saying like, I could see you going either way, but you like it for your kids. Well, not to get all sad about it. I always loved Christmas, and part of it was because. No, no, do it. So, like, early in my childhood, which I think is the hit-ness part of Christmas for most kids anyways, like when you still believe in Santa Claus and all that shit, like, early in your childhood, the factory hadn't left town yet. Right.

So, like, my grandma owned. a cafe on the square like a diner she owned a diner on the square uncle tim on to deli my grandpa on the car lot my dad on the video store and my mom worked at the factory she wasn't on pills yet all that shit and so christmas used to hit not like crazy hit but christmas hit right later in my childhood christmas very much stopped hitting right but i think i always loved it because of like the way that it reminded me of your childhood better times. Of course. Like the part of my childhood before everything fell apart.

Yeah. Always reminded me of that. And then yes, now, whenever you have kids, I mean, hell, I used to, dude, I couldn't give a fuck about Halloween, but like, I kind of But it hits with kids. But when you have kids, yeah. Now, having kids, Halloween hits for me, and it didn't used to, and Christmas

just elevates exponentially when you have kids. But I've always love Christmas stuff. I mean, with Halloween, to me, Halloween was always... Thanksgiving, hits like a motherfucker. I know you. Dog, baby. That's always. That's my Super Bowl. Just fat day, dog.

But Halloween, like... Fat and football. When I was a kid, obviously, it super hit because you're a kid. And then when you get to be a teenager, young adult or whatever, it hits because it's a tremendous drunk night. You know what I mean? Girls get all slutty. Yeah, girls get all slutty. And then it kind of like was just like whatever.

And I remember watching a Pat and Oswald special one time where he was talking about, like, he loved Halloween because he would like invite all his friends over. Like being an adult on Halloween was great because he was a great because he was a guy. because he would invite all his friends over and they would take acid to smoke weed and watch like scary movies. And then I sort of started doing that. Like me and Amber would like, you know, watch fucking The Nightmare Before Christmas or whatever.

And it was like, that's cool. And then I don't have kids. So I'm not trying to be like, oh, I understand what it's like. But when my sister had my niece, LJ, now I love Halloween. Don't get fucked up. I don't do any of that shit. But I live for watching whatever costume they come up with for her

and watching her and her like cousins enjoy it. it's the fucking best. So, like, I can definitely, I definitely feel that. Yeah, I mean, you know, like, college age, I loved going to Halloween parties and stuff, but I never,

like, I never got super into, it was just, I got my dick sucked in a Darth Vader outfit one time, kept the helmet on. That hits. Dead hit.

Like, I was just, the parties hit for party reasons, and slutty reasons and all that. It's a different vibe, too, when everybody's dressed up. But I never cared about the, like,

I never really gave much of a shit about what my costume was it. I told you, like, one, like, I went in, like, 2010 or something like that, I went as Tony Stark, which just meant I just cut my beard a certain way and put product in my hair. Yeah, not Iron Man. And wore a suit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So, like, that was easy or like I would do shit like, like, like one time, and this one don't hit, but like I went to Halloween party one time right after I got off work from O' Charlies and I just didn't change. So you went as a server? No, I went as an aspiring actor. That's funny. Yeah, but it was like

clearly, clearly what I had done was just, yeah. Nothing. I just came straight there and made a little joke about it. The only one, the only, like, real costume I even did was just, I just put on the most redneck-looking, like, country Western shirt I had and tight Wranglers of cowboy boots, and I walked around with a guitar strapped to me, and also a Darth Vader mask. Darth Brooks. Yeah. Which is the only, that's the only...

Or Garth Vader, you know, either way. Yeah, either way, but that was the only, like, whatever. Well... Like, full-bored costume. But, again, even that, it was a shitty plastic Vader mask with just clothes. clothes I already had. Like I would always do that shit instead of like getting real elaborate or going to Halloween places and getting all the stuff or whatever, I would just kind of

improvised with either shit I already had or I'd go to Goodwill or something. I just didn't get all that into it. Aside from the Darth Vader one, which I mean, it was a plastic helmet too. It wasn't like insanely elaborate. But aside from that, I was usually pretty simple too. Like I think for five years in a row I went as Bill Murray from Caddyshack because all had to do is wear like camo shorts a gray t-shirt and one of those like fishermen's hat and just and it was awesome it's like i'd just get drunk and just be carl the whole night but the only other one

where i was like i did put some effort into it i got a uh maids uniform like that they wear hotels and stuff and wear a cowboy hat and a mustache and i went as doc holiday in express which that's good i thought was pretty sweet but like i got to wear a like it was very very comfortable You know what I'm saying? Like I wasn't in no polyester bullshit. But yeah, I mean, it was just, look, we get drunk. Somebody always had some, like, fucking ecstasy or Molly and shit. And like, like you said, the girls would just like, it's a stereotype, but it's true.

Like, they were just like, I'm going to be this, but slutty, you know. And so everybody was getting laid. It was fucking awesome. Yeah, Katie's always been a big Halloween fanatic. So when we were in our early 20s, that meant she was like really slutting it up. And then entering Halloween costume contest. and she typically would win. Yeah.

I mean, she got... What would she do? Like, this is back in her Hooters days, right? Yeah, well, no, she was post Hooters, but, uh, still the Hooters era. Yeah, right, right, right, right. She just didn't, she worked at Crawdette's not Hooters, but yeah, it was, but yeah, she used to fucking do all the, like, but really one of them, I don't know. When you work at Hooters and then you go to another restaurant, is that like going back to

the miners, you know what I'm saying? I don't know, probably. Yeah. I used to, I feel like Hooters is the, show. Yeah. Right. Like,

damn, she got called up. Hell yeah. For sure. So, like, the only one I can remember, one year we were,

she was, God damn it, she was Alice, and I was the mad hatter. Alice in Wonderland and I was a mad hatter. But, you know, like slutty Alice.

But then one. You weren't been to cat. She was, uh, right, the Cheshire Cat. Yeah, the Cheshire Cat.

She was, uh, Alex from, um, oh my God. Fucking, Stanley clockwork orange clockwork orange I really wish everybody could see

how furious Trey was it himself for not for not remembering you know I've never seen that fucking movie it's fucking wild as hell I'm certain that it is well do you know what they look like if you've seen like clips or pictures whatever it's like a full body like white suit or like a white body suit type thing with like a top hat and really elaborate mascara on only one eye

but I mean her whole entire body was covered but it was tight anyway yeah it did hit but she's always been super into it. We were talking about this the other day, and a couple years ago on Halloween, I put out a video about this phenomenon. She's really into it,

and she knows that I'm kind of, you know, middling on it, so it's fine. But it's just funny to me how, like, how ancillary I am to her Halloween costume experience. Like, she wants me... You're an accessory. I might as well be a purse. A cane or something.

something that she's using as part of her. Yeah, I'm an accessory every year. And like, so last year, not last year because of the pandemic, but the year before that, she was Maleficent. And Maleficent has a raven. Yeah. So I was just a raven. Yeah. And the way she made me a raven. Didn't even cross her mind to be like, he could be the huntsman. Yeah, right. No, no. He's going to be the bird. Yeah. And so it's just like I wore basically kind of like a plague doctory type mask, like a raven, like a masquerade mask. But she didn't, everything, she just, emoed me up. Yeah.

Like, sort of like feathers on my shoulders and just black everything. And I looked like I was going to a My Chemical Romance concert or something. It didn't hit, but whatever, it's fine.

Was it comfortable at all? No. Mask couldn't have been comfortable. No. I'll never do mask again. So you were at my house the other day watching football and she was texting me.

And so you know where this is going, but let me get there. She was texting me and she said, I could be, I could be Mary Poppins and you could be one of the penguins. Right? So there's like little animated penguins and Mary Poppins or whatever.

And I was just like, fine. I was like, that's fine. I was like, are you just going to make me a fucking bird every year? And then she started sending me all these pictures of other Disney birds. I could be like Jafar and Diago. Like she's going to be Jafar or something. And I don't know. There were four or five other birds.

Yeah, she could be scar and you could be fucking. That was one of them. Gilbert Godfrey. No, not Gilbert Godfrey. No, that was. Jeffrey. Mr. Bean. Wait a minute.

Gilbert Gaffrey was in Aladdin. He was Iago. He was Iago, who we already covered. Yes. Yeah. Rowan Atkinson. Yeah, Rowan Atkinson. Zarsar. Not Zar Zar Zar.

It's something like that. Zazu. Zazu. We went and saw that on Broadway and the dude that played Zazoo was the only white guy and the whole thing and he absolutely smashed.

I bet he did. Anyway, all the black people smash too. Of course. But that's a given. Yeah, right. The Lion King show. But anyway, and I was, so, you know, we're kind of laughing about that or whatever. And then she sent me a screenshot from Mary Poppins of Mary Poppins and the little animated penguins.

And they're doing like a little penguin dance. And she said, you know, you'll have to learn the dance too. And in the screenshot was Mary Poppins and the Penguins and also Dick Van Dyck's character. So for the first time it hadn't occurred to me at all. I said, wait a minute, why can't I just be Dick Van Dyx? Yeah. Like, that makes more sense. And she was just like.

Throw some dirt on your face. Yeah, right. Yeah, the chimney sweep version especially. You already kind of look like a chimney sweeper. Right, yeah, exactly, yeah. And then, you know, I can't remember. I bet you I could learn his terrible accent from that. Like, do it purposefully bad like he did.

And you did all right. Have a lot of fun with that. Yeah. But she wants me to be a penguin because that's just how she is. And so you're going to be a penguin. Probably. I want to be Dick Van Dyck though now that we've, you know, talked about it. But she, I don't know.

I feel like that's a thing with a lot of guys. because I can remember back in the Cookville days going on this highway parties. I remember one year our friends, Andy and Chelsea, who also worked at O'Charly's. Chelsea was like a sexy baker, like a sort of like strawberry shortcakey type of thing or something like a sexy baker. I'm into that. And Andy was a donut.

Just a big, fat-ass donut. And Andy was not fat. He was a good-looking guy, but he had to be a donut all that. And he just rolled with it. But that's what I'm saying. It's like, I feel like that happens a lot with couples. Yeah. If one of them, usually the girl, is super, super.

Mr. Butt coming to. Oh, don't quit on Mr. Butt now. Yeah, that's a huge thing. You have to be an accessory. Me and Amber have only ever tandemed once, and it was actually my idea. But we win as, I went as macho man, and she went as Hulk Hogan. I thought you were going to say Miss Elizabeth. Should have done that.

She wanted to be Hulk Hokey? No, I wanted her to be Hulk Hogan. That is hilarious. I didn't even think I did what Katie does to you to her. Are you serious? Swear to God. Like, it's just now a turn to me. Like, yeah, she totally could have been Miss Elizabeth,

but I made her whole guy. But I guess she's got blonde hair. You know what I mean? I can see it. Yeah, like she just put a bandana on. We got her fake mustard. Did she do any kind of like bald cap? Like, did she make her?

No, she just, she put a red bandana on over her hair. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. If she'd have put the bald cap on, I don't know if I could ever fuck her again. If she wore the bald cap. I don't know.

It might hit for me, which is a hell of a thing. Dude, did you know, speaking of that, did you know that the, you know, my character that I do,

ain't Lita? Did you know where that wig came from? I think you told me this. That was a wig that I used to put on, like Amber used to wear to like be when we would have sex. Y'all, y'all be doing that?

Just with that. And it was just. How did that happen? We were hammered and she, I don't remember, like it was like a rave. Why'd you even have it? She went to a rave and they were giving out pink wigs and shit and like just all sorts of crazy stuff. And so like, we were just hammered drunk and it was like beside the bed and she put it on and was just like, what's up daddy? And I was, and it really did it for me because it didn't look like my wife.

And, uh, you know what I'm saying. It was just, it was, of everybody on fucking earth. Those I'm saying. But anyways, and that happened. You know, it was a couple more times when we'd be drunk. I'd throw the wig on her. And then I did that. one day I had the idea for that character

and then she saw it and she's like well I mean that's over right I was like yeah that's kind of over we're done with that so behind the scenes everybody ain't leto used to be my fuck wig my fuck wig yeah everybody need a fuck wig everybody yeah that year that we went as macho man Randy Savage

and Hulk Hogan I got in a fight with this dude who I'm on yada yada a lot of this because there's no sense in telling the whole thing I don't want to trigger anybody but he was being hansy with some women and then including Amber no one of whom was my sister uh-huh and did you know this guy already this is in chickamauga right he he was a chickamauga dude but like he was like 45 oh god and this is like four years ago so like he was older than me like you know by a good bit

and uh i i thought you were going to say the opposite although i don't know why it makes more sense for an old fucker to be like that yeah but i thought you were going to be like he's from chickamaga but he's like way younger yeah like a 22 year old frat boy type is where I thought it was going that's way uh grosser they're both grosser but that of course it's way gross yeah uh actually

I don't even know if he was a chickamauga boy he he he was the stepfather to a buddy that I had anyways I remember earlier in the night somebody was like some girl was like hey uh keep an eye on this dude because I think I think he's a creep I'm not sure I don't want to make any accusations

but like I think and I was like So as soon as I heard that, and I'm not going to name these names because I don't want anybody to get in trouble because some of these people own businesses and don't want, but like, I look at one of my boys who's just like my down-to-ride dude and I was just like, yo, that guy right there,

eyes on him, he was like, gotcha. And I was like, all right, fucking cool. So I didn't really see anything. So I'm dancing. I was like, eh, well, I don't know, maybe. But that girl also seems to be dancing and having a good time. I don't fucking know.

And then I go out to the field, which we had all our coolers in this. this other field, like by our trucks and stuff. And I go out there and I'm getting a beer and my sister's out there and she's getting a beer. And like as soon as I walk up, she just, and she's not hammered drunk. My sister doesn't get like blackout drunk. Like she has like five beers and then she just goes to bed. Did she used to or she always been that way?

She definitely like has before like a couple times when she first started drinking. But she, Kirby's usually always been the like Irish goodbye in bed by like 1015 has a couple beers. It's like I'm fucking tired. I'm going to bed. I don't give a shit. I don't care to be the last man standing. I've had my fun and I'm fucking tired, which I respect. But anyways, as soon as I walk up, she just like fell to her knees and started crying.

And I was like, what's up? Like, what's happening? She's just like, and she tells me that this feller had, through tears, she's kind of hyperventilate and tells me that this dude had been groping her. And then I was like, okay. and she goes, and he... Was Lloyd there? Lloyd was not there. He was...

That's her husband. And who this fella would be dead and buried. Right. Because Lloyd's a fucking country cornbread fed fireman. No, he was... Generally speaking, not the man with whom to fuck. No. Not, no.

And sweetheart, a gentle giant. But no, he was off being a goddamn fireman. And so, anyways, she then says he... He was feeling on my boobs a little bit, then I shook him off, and then he grabbed my pussy. and and so i mean what do you think i immediately i'm like make i go okay and i'm making a be line and kirby starts going no no no no please please please please please please please please please please

please and i i didn't know we were going to do this but this is my fault this speaks to the culture of the world she was like please don't please don't i go kirby you realize you can't tell me what you just told me and i as your brother i have to do this and she's like it's going to ruin the party and i don't and everybody will be mad at me and i was like no they're not nobody it and then, but she was right. Like, in her, she's like, no, no, no, everybody's going to call me a bitch. I know how this works. I'm a woman. You know what I'm saying? And I'm

hearing her, but at the same time, I'm fucking raging. So, I just fucking go, make a beeline. I grabbed that motherfucker by his ear, like my whole hand grabbed him by the ear and drug him out by his ear through the fucking fence and just kind of like threw him out and he goes, what

the fuck, man? And I was like, you know exactly what the fuck, you know, get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see you again. And then, like, out of nowhere I just felt I just got hit in the face like just cold cocked by somebody else yeah by somebody else and I'm like and I mean it hurt but it wasn't enough to not be down and I just kind of look over and his buddy's sitting there all fucking like looking like a fucking what's his face and oh brother where art that when he's like you can't sweat my fiance and I turn around I was like what the fuck and before I could even retaliate

one of my buddies I'm not gonna say his name just because but you shirtless at my wedding, big old boy, you know my, you know my boy. He just comes up and tackles this fucking dude, and he's got him by the back of the fucking head and he's slamming his head into this fucking mud puddle. And like, you're seeing like bubbles and he's like, you had

enough motherfucker and just slamming it back there, just fucking dude, dude, dude. And then that kind of was that, and that dude, he got in his goddamn car and left and his buddy kit, fuck. Everybody. I almost, when you said, when you were like, I'm not going to say his name, but you know him,

shirtless. I almost went. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Well, he, so he lets the dude up and the dude leaves with his buddy. And then he's sitting there shirtless, covered in mud, because he's just been down there. And the most right or die sentence ever, he just looked at me. He was kind of breath.

He goes, hey, why did I do that? You know what I'm like? Yeah. All he saw was somebody was fucking with me. And he was like, I don't give a shit. If Corey killed his family, I don't know that. And I know I like Corey more than I like this person. So I'm fucking him up.

And I told him what had happened. And he goes, oh, hell yeah. That's what Orp B. You know, well, I'm not going to say their names, but the person who was hosting the party, the girl, she got mad at me for doing that. Then I explained why it was that I did that, and she didn't care.

She was like, yeah, well, y'all could have just handled that in a better way. You didn't have to ruin the party. And like, then she got mad at my sister. so my sister was 100% correct and that's so fucked up like for anyone that's always like why don't well why don't they come forward why don't they say anything like it just ruins the party ruins the fucking party yeah you know what I mean but you know but oh by the way but here's the thing that is has been the general attitude of the people who perpetuate that whole situation you're ruining the party yeah it's like kind of fucking ruining the party aren't you lady with all this

just so... Truth telling. I think it's... No, that ain't it. It should be pointed out that in case everybody forgot, while I'm dragging this dude out of the party,

I was dressed like macho man Randy Savage. Yeah. So, you know, that kind of hits. But anyways, I, God damn, I didn't want to fucking turn this into a goddamn talk about sexual harassment.

Well, how about let's turn it into a Lucy ad. Oh my God, Tray. Tell us all about it. Listen, we're all adults here. Some of us use to use nicotine to relax, focus, or just unwind after a long

day and lucy nicotine is a company that was created to help nicotine users find a cleaner option and feel better about the ways they consume nicotine. Their latest product is slim nicotine pouches which contain pure synthetic nicotine and provide the same satisfaction that nicotine users expect without any tobacco at all. Lucy Slim pouches use the newest technology for synthesizing pure nicotine in the lab. None of the tobacco, all of the satisfaction. Lucy Slim pouches include both coconut oil and gum base to provide a soft, fluffy texture that enhances the flavor and doesn't dry out your mouth. You can get them in three strings, four, eight, or 12 milligrams,

and three exclusive and delicious flavor, spearmint, mango, and cool cider. The mango is my jam. I'm a fruity feller. I love it. I won't be surprised anybody to hear. But, yeah, I'm saying it. I'm all about that, I'm all about that mango stuff. And, like I always point out, the thing I love about these,

had one on the plane earlier, and they can't say shit to you. You know, can't pull out a vape on a plane or anywhere anymore, even I thought this was America. Me too. You know, but you do this. slim pouches and can't anybody do shit to you over it so it's 2021 don't compromise when you're choosing your nicotine products go with the newest tobacco-free options from lucy well-red listeners go to lucy dot co and use the promo code red that's rED to get 20% off your order of lucy slim pouches

or any other of lucy's fine products that's lucy dot co and use the promo code red r-ed at checkout as always i'm legally required to give this disclaimer warning this product contains non-tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical, which I would add, hits. That does hit. Lucy.C.O and use the promo code red, and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Thank you, Lucy.

Another company that I would like to talk about, which Trey knows, we've had discussions about this recently off podcast without even sponsorship mentions, is my friends over at Caliper CBD. I'm a type of person who has just always been, I mean always, been riddled with stress, all that shit

that just don't hit don't hit and I just thought well this is something that I have to live with you know like I'm not ever going to be able

to just calm down and you know sleep better like when I'm when I'm having one of my little episodes but Caliper CBD to the rescue and I really

I really enjoy it and they come in these little like they kind of look like little trivia packets you know what I mean it's the it's the

powder. It's the powder gimmick. Yeah. Which I like because it's a dissolvable CBD powder. It's more effective than CBD oil. Also, it's totally tasteless. It is tasteless, but you can get one that is lemon lime. And I would suggest that because it kind of tastes to me, it kind of tastes like the fun dip powders.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so I just put them in like a little, like a little, you know, a dip situation. And I really love it. You get all the benefits of CBD without the, you know, It's not a weird after taste. It tastes like fucking candy, in my opinion. That's why Caliper created its packets of CBD powers.

Each packet is carefully measured to contain exactly 20 milligrams. No more, no less. Again, I love it. I put a couple under my tongue. I go for a walk out in the woods, and, you know, pretty much everything is good for at least a while for me. It's clinically proven to deliver 30 times more CBD in the first 30. minutes than CBD oil. It was developed by food scientists, rigorously tested

for purity and quality. It's just tremendous. Guys, I swear by it. I've got some of my pack right now. I'm on their subscription thing, so I get a package of it just sent to my house once a month. I don't even have to think about it. You can get 20% off your first order when you use the promo code

Well Red. That's W-E-L-R-E-D at Tricaliper.com slash well-read. So try it risk-free for 30 days. you don't love it. They'll give you a full refund. That's caliper.com slash well-read.

Don't forget the promo code, well-read, for 20% off your first order. And to take advantage of those sweet deals from them and Lucy, if you go to the liner notes of the podcast in the description, we will have links to go there in the promo code so you don't have to remember it because I'm certain you've already forgot it

because that's how, when I talk, people just forget things because look what I'm doing right now. I'm ruining it. no you hit thanks caliper thank you caliper uh i got a couple other Halloween related things one of them's candy so i know that'll hit for you but i want to start with this story that katie informed me of the other day then i heard somebody else on another podcast mention it so i guess it's a thing i looked it up earlier it seems like it's a thing i'm not sure if this is the thing nationwide or what but at least in some places hobby lobby don't be

fucking with Halloween at all. Really? I figure that'd be a goddamn cash cow for them. You would think so. But they don't, because what do you think? I mean, okay,

I don't think it's that hard to guess. I know that they're a Christian company. And that's what? And so it's a Wiccan thing. They're like, that's of the devil. Yeah, pretty much. And that's like...

That's so goddamn stupid because like every church that I know, like when I was a kid, we, like, our church... Would have trunk or tree at churches instead of the church parking lot. Which sincerely,

actually hit way harder than Trigger Tick because you get... We used to take the boys to those in Oak Ridge. You get way more candy. But like, yeah, like, they were just, their whole thing was like,

they didn't think, oh, it's bad Satanic, so we'll come to church and we'll Christian it up. They were just like, yeah, you know, if you don't want your kids going through some strange neighborhood

where they don't know anybody, you can just bring them here and they definitely, oh, dude, they advised us not to dress like demons and stuff like that. But like, of course,

many of us did still, but nothing ever happened until you won't believe this. My black cousins showed up, dressed like Spawn. Spawn was awesome. Yeah, hell yeah. Literally made my cousins leave, which we left with that. But they were like, no, we said, no, it's not because, you know, they didn't never have to say like, it's not because they're black. They're like, we said no dressing up like demons and stuff.

And like, they were the only ones that. Dude, Spawn was some pretty metal shit. It was very metal. But they didn't fucking know all that. There were fucking kids. They were fucking kids. But also, again, literally every other year, somebody would dress up like a fucking demon

and they were just like, oh, we said not to, but what are we going to do? They're white. They're white. But anyways, go on. God damn, I'm turning everything into something it shouldn't be today. Well, no, I just think it's, I mean, I just wanted your perspective on it as a, you know,

churchier person than me if you were, like, surprised or whatever. I think it's funny, it's like, if the devil is into, like, the type of Halloween shit they would have at Hobby Lobby then like I ain't too worried about hell you know what I mean like you get to hell

and the devil pops out with like a ghost on a string like welcome to hell motherfucker you know watch out for the fake cobwebs you know what I'm saying like it's not it's all pretty silly it's very silly and not I mean I know some people obviously

again we're talking about Hobby Lobby here plenty of people get really fucking hardcore at Halloween, haunted houses and stuff that's like fucking R-rated and intense as hell. But Hobby Lobby wouldn't be doing none of that. Hobby Lobby would have fucking plastic bats. Yeah, right. And like witches that fucking jump at you when you walk by them and shit like that. They wouldn't have, like, and that stuff, it's just silly. What could that, is that supposed, that's going to corrupt a child's soul?

Yeah. Is their arguments? Like, what, like, I mean, you're looking at the same people who, uh, who wouldn't, like, ban, you know, we have to ban the Harry Potter books from our kids. Our kids can't read Harry Potter for all of those things, like all the fucking witches and wizards and stuff like that, which is so funny because it's like,

you know that Harry Potter's kind of just a retelling of Jesus? Yeah, right. And so is Star Wars and all that shit. But, like, I don't know. But, again, like, our church didn't do that. But, like, we still had trunk or treat, and, like, you could dress up. Like, again, the demons were discouraged,

and I'm certain that in their mind, it was like, we can just, we can keep them at the church. church and they won't be out there with the world but like then they also had which is the worst thing in the world that was when we were teeny tiny kids we got to be teenagers they had a thing called you ever heard of the judgment house no are you fucking serious well you know i'm bible dumb this is a church thing but it's so insane that i figured that you i can't wait i'm so excited because no i have no idea what you're talking about this is a Halloween thing that a church does so the baptist church at least

where I went to, and so many others did. Like, the judgment house is a fucking big thing where I'm from. So the judgment house... The judgment house tray is a... So on the nose. Dude, dude, dude, dude, you have no idea how on the nose this fucking thing is. So, judgment house is a haunted house, tray. It's about the scariest thing

that could ever happen to you. Okay. Dying without having given your life to Christ and going to hell. Right? That is the lamest shit. I've ever had this, yeah, nothing scarier than not being saved. So every fucking year, it was the same story every year. Like, they would recast it depending on like, you know,

some kids would be old enough to play a certain character and then some kids would... Oh, y'all were playing the characters in the thing? Yeah. Yeah, so like what were the characters? So the whole situation was, I remember the first scene was you see, um, sometimes they would switch the genders, like sometimes the boy would be, the rebel and the girl would be the Christian that made one bad mistake.

Okay. And so what would happen was they would illustrate that like the first scene would be like parents with their daughter and they would be like, you know, talking about shirt shit. And she was like, I'm going to Halloween party tonight. And they were like, honey, you can't drink, you know, blah, blah, because if you drink, you will wreck and you will die. And then you've got this fucking boy.

Go to hell. Yeah. And then you've got this boy who like, Tray, he didn't have no parents. you know what I mean so he was just a piece of shit that just drank and then so you had all that and then you had the two and they're dating or like they're they're secretly dating and they're going to go to this party together

the party scene was was the big was the start of the second act and in it and I always remember they had to we were all sitting there and they had the cans like beer cans everywhere and like they had like fog machines and shit to make it look like a party and the only thing that hit about it was that the song

that they played for the party scene was so fresh and so clean by outcast because it just didn't have no cuss words in it like that was their only thing they were like well it has to be rap you know what I mean like if this is a devil it's a devil thing so like it's got to be rap and like so fresh and so clean didn't have no cuss words

in the part that they played and so anyways the dude gets really really drunk and he's like gonna leave and the girl's like no we shouldn't leave you're drunk anyways they wreck and they both die, but she had been saved, right? So then, this is all sounding kind of familiar to me. Like, I may have just told you this before.

No, no, I feel like it's like, I mean, I feel like, I don't know about Judgment House on Halloween or whatever, but I feel like this, like, morality story you're telling the churches do. I feel like it's like, you know, kind of ubiquitous. Yeah, because it's so fucking basic. Right, yeah, exactly. So they die and then like they show the they show the heaven scene first in this one particular one we did which I thought was an odd choice. And it's the girl going up there and it's like, you know, they had the wreck scene, which was intense.

And like there were some like people that went to our church that owned an ambulance company. And they're rad people. They also own the funeral home. So like we actually had like ambulances and cop shit and like it was nuts and like these they were the cadavers were down there bloody and shit. shit. You got a question? I never really. Ambulances aren't like...

There are, but there's also private ones. I didn't even, I don't think I ever knew that. Yeah, and I do not know how it works, but it's called Angel Ambulance Service. I don't know what, like who they're getting calls from. I mean, I honestly can't believe that ambulances aren't all privatized in this country. But the only thing I can think of is that like they're just there for overflow and then they get like paid by the government when they're i i don't know but like it's a it's a private situation any any god damn who uh you know their parents or they're screaming like and kids are

watching this but kids chill like i know i i want to circle back to that oh dude like like if if a three-year-old can stand up please they want him to watch this right they are screaming there's blood everywhere and they're like my daughter's fucking dad my son's fucking dead yeah yeah and then they show the the heaven scene where it's like well you know uh Jennifer, you made a mistake, but your name is written here in the Lamb's Book of Life. So come on into heaven. And the room that they had this was in the gym, and it was just like all white and, you know, and it's so boring.

And there's just like angel music and shit. And then they're like, and now we have to show you what happened to Alex. And he's going on this other room. And of course, it is completely pitch black, right, with some smoking shit flying around. Son, again, three-year-olds are there. They have, like, grown men and women from the church, like from the quiet. in the other room in front of like microphones and stuff, just screaming at the top of their lungs.

Just like, I don't want to scream that loud because we're in a hotel and it's late at night, but like screaming as loud as they fucking can going, no, stop it. It burns. It burns. No, Satan. No, God. Have mercy on my soul. Jesus Christ. And I'm talking, like, I'm not even exaggerate. On the nose and just like,

I wish that I had just been saved in high school. Oh, why God? did I go drink at that party and have fun with my friends? Just that shit. And this Alex character has been played by like one of your boys in school, like a high schooler? Yeah. And he's like fucking just getting into it.

Well, I mean, he wasn't one of my boys. Like my, I, but like, only one person from my church was my friend outside of church. And he went to go. But like, no, he hit for him. Like, he was super into that stuff. And like, yeah, he was really getting into the role. Like, he sat there and pleaded for his life to say, who was just one of our Sunday school teachers playing Satan, red shit, horns, all that.

Like, and then he's like, nope. And then he throws him into a fiery hell. And then they're just like, they all take a bow. And they're like, so anyway, get out there and don't drink. And like, again, like three and four year olds are watching that shit. But that's their alternative to a haunted house, which, to tell you the truth, way fucking scarier. That is the thing I was going to say. Way fucking scarier.

Another thing that's funny to me about that whole thing is it's like, you know, well, we wouldn't want to scare children. Right. By the way, children, you're going to burn in hell for eternity if you don't follow these specific rules we lay out for you. Like, it's so, the shit they, they just scar the fuck out of kids with their fucking ideology and then turn around and say that, like, Halloween isn't suitable subject matter for kids or whatever.

Didn't you used to have a bit where one of the lines in it was, like, Like, you're talking about your uncle Tim and gay people and someone's like, yeah, being gay is sin. And if you're gay, you'll burn in hell forever. And you're like, that was a real thing that a grown man said to me when I was six years old or some shit like that. Yeah, yeah. I think about that all the time.

Right. Because me and my mom, like, we'll have conversations. Like, nobody in my whole family goes to church at all now. And fucking my sister's mother-in-law, who I love, she's a tremendous woman. But she was like, she was telling my sister that, she's like, you know, Laura James is, you know, turning she's like four five it's probably about time that we all start looking for a church to go to together so that we can raise her the right way and my sister was just like we ain't been going before her like so what like she's like no i mean if do you really not think that i can teach my dog and again sweet woman i'm not saying anything

bad about her but it's like really you think that's the only fucking way that we can like raise a good kid is to like be in church And then my mom will go, Mom will tell me, she's like, well, honey, I know that, oh, what the fuck. Was something wrong? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, we're fine. I mean, it's still recording, so we're good.

Sorry, guys. I thought a very bad thing had happened. What was I just saying? Oh, my mom will be like, my mom will be like, well, I mean, you know, Corey, I hear you, and I know that you've, like, got a whole thing. You don't believe in God now or whatever. She goes, but, you know, don't try to act like,

growing up in church was a bad thing. And I was like, mom, of course the parts where it was like just me and a bunch of kids that I knew hanging out eating fucking little debbies. Yeah, that was rad. But like, I have flashbacks all the time of fucking grown men like telling us, if you don't took your shirt in, you're going to burn in a lake of fire. And I'm like, that's not, that sucks. Like it took me, dude, up until I was probably like, I genuinely want to say 24, 25, hadn't been to church in fucking years, did not believe for even like. longer than that. I still, though, would, like, get scared a lot and

just pray and just be like, if you're real, please don't let me die and go to hell. Just because I was so fucking terrified, because, like, that was just, and now, not even at all, like, don't give a fuck. That whole, oh, there ain't no atheist in a foxhole, like, fuck you that don't, I don't have them

moments, really. Except for when my dad had a heart attack and I thought he was about to die, but that's fucking, that's just one of them things. I'm like, if you're up there, please say my father. But, like, for that's fucking emotional scarring. Am I wrong? No.

Like a grown man. Of course it is. A grown man being terrified that if he doesn't wake up the next morning he might go to hell. That's fucking insane. So I always tell my mom, I'm like, yeah, mom, it kind of fucked me up. And like, I'm not doing that to my kids. I know we've talked a lot of talking. I'm peeing.

Talked a lot about how I didn't grow up in the church at all and I didn't. But even me, like, I don't remember what age. Pretty young for sure. but like I decided that the church was bullshit, but I still kept on like believing in some kind of God for a while, you know, I think for those same reasons. Because it was like, even I was like, okay, all that shit that they're saying, I know that's bullshit.

But I think there probably is something going or somebody up there and, you know, whatever. Well, I don't, I mean, I don't believe in it. what I believe, I still will say I'm agnostic. I mean, I just think everybody is. I mean, right. By definition of what that means. Right. Same.

Because agnostic is just acknowledging that you cannot and no one cannot truly know, which I think is the most logical conclusion to arrive at. Without a doubt. But saying your agnostic doesn't hit for either side because both sides are like, pick a side, God damn it. But I think that's the most logical. Because it's like, because I, it's the most sane.

I think it would be crazy to act like, dude, for all I know, and I think I've said this on here before, but for all I know, 10,000 years from now in the future, the, you know, evolved version of whatever mankind is could create some kind of super intelligence that can rend the fabric of space time and, you know, perceive all time at once, including everything that's already happened. and whatever and it's like and that's fucking god or something you know what i mean like that's what i believe there could be there could be any there could be some reality that's just so far beyond my capacity to understand with my brain you know like there could be a truth like that out there and it doesn't mean you're saying you believe that maybe there is some fucking old bearded dude on a cloud or whatever it's just like there might be there's some kind of answer yeah yeah to what all this is whether it's just like pure science whatever it ends up being i'm just saying it could be so far beyond our realm of understanding that you know we we just can't conceive of it but it still could

be what some people might call god or something i'm not saying i think that's what god is like I mean, that's my thing with it. It's always been like, I kind of waffle between... But I'm not saying I believe that to be true, by the way. I'm saying I'm just... It could be. I'm acknowledging that it fucking could be. And because it could be, I'm not going to say that I...

I just know that there's nothing. Yeah. You know, because nobody knows. I waffle between the theory that's like, everyone has got... Like, we're all God and that we're just all one vibration. And, like, you're like... Everyone will end up... living every single person's life and that's what deja vu is and like that's just that's just what

that is and like maybe it's some sort of simulationy thing but like realistically we're all of the same spirit in some way and then I hear myself say that out loud and I'm like ah fuck that and then I'm like I used to be like big into like the the watchmaker theory or whatever like that was kind of what I believe where it's like you know if you if you took all the fucking parts like if you took all the fucking parts of a watch put them in a bag and shook them up no way is it ever going is the watch ever going to like form itself

and but so someone put it together but it but the part the god made the watch to work on itself like to work by itself like it's not sitting there clicking the fucking dials it's like yeah and then y'all got it like there's no like fucking oh well

you don't really have any control over what you do because it's all god's will because then motherfuckers like in baptister church, they literally believe in predestination. Right. And I, I just can't. That's the thing, that's one of the, when I was like nine years old, that's the thing that made me go, I had an argument with our fucking pastor.

And he wouldn't, he wouldn't, he wouldn't even try to answer my question. It made me furious. When I was a fucking kid, the thing that made me the maddest was when I would be like, why, and they would just be like, well, just because. I'd be like, no, you don't get to fucking do that, man. Like, I'm a kid and I'm asking you a question, and it's not why are dogs brown. Like, it's an important thing. Like, fucking give me something.

If you can't, then this is bullshit. But it was like, I was like, if you believe, if you believe in predestination that they were like, yes, when God was on the cross, he saw everything that you were ever going to do in your life. You know, and I'm like, if y'all really believe that, then like it don't fucking, he saw this conversation. He knew what I was going to say this. It's like the fucking in Loki, the, I know. That's why at the very beginning, and I was like, I know something's going to be going on with this, whatever. But at the very beginning, I thought Loki was rad. Yeah.

But I kind of, I kind of wasn't into all that because I just don't. I don't fuck with predestination. Right. As a thing, like that idea is never hit for me and still don't. Right. Because then there's no stakes. Right. There was a pretty sweet sci-fi show by Alex Garland, the dude that did ex Machina.

Oh yeah. It was on, it was with fucking Nick Offerman. I never watched that. It called Deves. Deves, yeah, I need to fuck with that. It is rad, but predestination is kind of a central part of it. And I like that show, but I just always, that's one of those, like storytelling narrative devices or whatever that I just,

it's never hit for me because I just don't. I think Loki stuck the landing for the record like with that they did. Well, it kind of all ended up being sort of bullshit. Right. You know. Right. And I thought that it might, which is why I was still like, I'll kind of see where this goes.

But yeah, the way Loki ended up going, it did hit for me. I hit for me real hard. I fucking loved that show. My thing with shit like that is because like I kind of agree with you, but like I'm also a person that like, I can watch a movie or a TV show and think I enjoyed it and then rewatch it. I'm like, oh, I actually don't give a fuck about that story.

I just really like this actor. You know what I mean? And I love Tom Hiddleston so much that, like, I could just watch him do. I could watch him play Loki in almost anything. I'm like, I don't really like predestination, but like, this is rad. It's fucking Loki and Owen Wilson.

Are you kidding me? Like, I'm fucking bald in. But yeah, my point was, is it like I would say, you fucking say there's predestination and that God knows that everybody that's going to heaven and everybody that's going to hell. So like, what the fuck are we even doing here? And like, what do you mean?

What is it right? Why do I need to go through any kind of like process of discovery or getting saved and all that? It's like I'm either going to or I'm not, right? Like it's written. Like I was born to be a godless center and go to hell. And it was never in the cards for me to not. Well, then fuck.

And I, right. So why are any of us doing any of us doing any of? Yeah, that's so stupid. Like, that doesn't... Like, it's just gonna happen anyway. It always was gonna happen. Then, like, what the fuck? But my point was, like, that...

When I first was like, all this, and I was, like, transitioning into, like, being a completely godless piece of shit. Somebody was like... I was like, I just don't buy the whole, like, there's a God that... I was like, I want to believe in a God, but I can't wrap...

I can't buy that there's a motherfucker up there, like, playing risk with our lives. And they were like, well, here's the watchmakers theory. Basically, it was like, there's not, but there is a god, there can be a god without that. God made us, but just like a watchmaker makes a watch, he made that watch to work when he passed the watch off. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just supposed to work. He doesn't have to be there to fucking do all this shit. Like, it just, it's got gears, and that's how that fucking goes. And, you know, one day the fucking battery will die or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, I can, like,

that's fine, because in that situation, it might be stupid, but like, nobody's getting hurt. Nobody's like, Nobody's like fucking, the crusades aren't involved in any of that shit. Like, that's just some God I can fucking get behind. It could have been, could have been fucking aliens. It was. It could have been. God's an alien. I was about saying, and if aliens came and seated the earth with life, however many

eons ago, just as some kind of fucking a science experiment, or just because that's what they do. Or they did that for some purpose for us, but now they dead because other aliens killed them or whatever, like, that shit could have happened and, like, they would be gods. Of course. Like, that's, that's from, you know, they're not. A ship with lights. Right. It's not some singular divine entity in the sky or whatever, but that would still be, if that's

what happened, they would be our gods. You know, they would be gods to us. And I'm saying, like, shit like that, you know, that could be possible. Louis used to have. So I'm agnostic. Yeah. Well, Louis used to have that bit. Because it might be aliens.

I know. Louis used to have that bit about how, I'm going to butcher it, but just to get the general point across, was that he, I can't remember maybe, he was, like,

he believed that aliens had put us here. And his reasoning was, he goes, it just doesn't seem like we, this is our natural environment. Yeah. He's like, we don't belong.

He's like, we're allergic to everything. The sun burns us. He's like, it just doesn't seem like we're comfortable in here. And don't you think that, like, if this was our fucking,

you know, uh, what's the word, environment? like we would not, we wouldn't be just falling over dying all the time. And I'm like, that kind of fucking checks out a little bit. And then also some scientists are like, there's like certain type of jellyfish that they're just like, I got nothing for this.

Like this thing doesn't have anything in common with any other molecular being on earth. It's fucking technically immortal. And they're like, I mean, fuck man, it could have fallen from the sky. This might be a fucking space fish for all we fucking know. Space food. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like goddamn octopus, man.

Like, yeah. These is wild, dog. They, like, me and you should do, like, fucking animal planet

watchalongs. Yeah, dude. Haven't we been saying that? Yeah, we've been saying that, dude. I just don't know how.

David Attenborough shit. Dude, I, again, this is a thing that has been brought up periodically over the years and I've always been on board

and I'm still on board. I don't know the, I don't know the, I don't know the, like, legalities of that. Well, I do the footage. We'd have to watch some kind of footage.

Like me and Thompson used to do that in college. We'd get high as hell and turn on like planet Earth or something, but we'd turn the volume all the way down and we would like narrate it and shit. And it was fun as hell. Well, if we don't do it on video, here's, I mean, Conrad does literally every episode of what happened when with Tony Chivani is a watch-along. And what they do is they do a countdown for you to turn it on. And then they click play at the same time you click play.

And then they just turn that volume down and just listen to you. do it and that's a wildly successful podcast. So I'm saying like, yeah, we wouldn't be able to do it video. Although fucking, I know. I keep seeing these fucking reaction videos. I know. I do not understand them. I mean, hell, I did.

But audio-wise, we definitely could do it for sure. Yeah. Yeah, which would hit. I teased it earlier, not that it's a riveting conversation, but I do want to at least bring it up since I mentioned it and also because you're you. Halloween candy. Let's talk about it. So I saw...

Can I hijacked the conversation again? No, no. What we was talking about. I'm trying to... I'm trying to... Um, be more self-aware. All right.

Now that I'm sober. No, you... No. I brought up Hobby Lobby and the Lord and that led in all this Lord talk. But I saw a map the other day of the U.S. and every state had a different candy in it. And it said, these are the most popular Halloween candies in each U.S. state. I mean, it should just be recent.

the whole or Snickers or whatever. Yeah, but I believe this map was complete bullshit. All them maps, I think, are just made up. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't believe it at all because, primarily because Tennessee's was red hots. I don't know. Nobody's is red hots. I don't know anybody

that fucks for red hots. No. I grew up in Tennessee, Halloween in Tennessee every year in my childhood. I don't ever remember getting red hots. I don't give red hots.

I don't know. I, fuck red hots so that uh map was horse shit i think but i'm just wondering uh you know how you feel about Halloween candies well first some tears or something i would love to do this you want to do like a on the on the fly bracket or some shit sure now i would like to say this i do like red hots yeah see i don't but but but you don't like cinnamon or any of that shit but my thing is like i never once have been like i'm going to get some red hots if red hots happened to me Like if someone was just like, do you want a red hot?

I'd be like, yeah, sure. And I'd be like, this is fine. But, like, I like cinnamon and I like those, like, cinnamon discs and shit like that. But, like, to ever, like, would it ever even crack the top 100 of my fucking candies? You've lost your goddamn mind. That's insane. When I was a kid, the things that got me the most excited, I didn't really, like, I'm super into chocolate now. But when I was a kid, it was mainly de fruity.

Like, OG sweet tarts, like just the regular way. I mean, the chewed ones are my jam, but like this is, I don't know if they, chewed ones came out when we were like middle school, I think, blew my goddamn mind, the little teeny tiny balls ones. Tell you what blew my mind. You remember shock tarts? Bro. Then they rebranded and they were just shockers.

Okay. But shock tarts? Because you know, I love that sire. I love sire. Those? Yeah. Yeah, bro. Now that you're saying that, those might be the Michael Jordan of Sowers.

For me, they changed the game. They did. I mean when those came out. and I was like, well, I didn't know about this, but this is what it is. My mouth, my mouth, I had also. I'd make it raw, yeah. All the fucking time. Yeah, absolutely.

Warheads. Warheads was like, they hit real hard at first. They were the hot sauce of the sour game. They were the like, they definitely hit, but at a certain point it was like, this is a little bit too. I'd rather have a shock tart. I, what I would do, Warheads, I'm such a fat piece of shit, except I don't know how, I feel like this is both fat and not fat. I love a sour.

I'm in it for the sire. I put a warhead in, suck all the sire off of it. And then just, and then I'd spit it out. Oh, really? I mean, not always. Sometimes they had the sour cum in them.

Yeah, I would, yeah, dim with the sour cum in them, I would bust it in my mouth for sure. Yeah. I didn't always spit out a warhead. I'm just saying if I had a bunch of warheads. Yeah. I'd just get the sour action and then.

Let it sit in your jaw. Spit it out and get another and get the sire off it because I wasn't in it for the sweet. I can see that. I don't know that there was a candy that I did that with, but I guess I wouldn't always chew the gum in a blowpop. No, I would. Yeah, I definitely would.

Blow pops or Tootsy pops? Tutsy pops. Yeah. See, I'm blow pops. Okay. Tootsy pops, you know, I mean, they hit. It's tootsy pops for me for sure. I mean, I love it.

Again, I was just always more of a fruity feller. I love them both. Now, if I come across a sour apple blowpop, that's because that's my favorite. I mean, the grape hit, strawberry fucking hit the cherry. Blow pops rule. What's your? Drew asked this question. Tutsi in general, that whole brand,

any, all the things are so great. We literally haven't even mentioned Drew. Oh, shit. Hey, yeah, Drew. Listen to End of the Abisket with Drew and DJ, DJ Lewis. Drew went to hang out with his wife, Andy, who is with us in Huntsville. Gay.

Gay. Hanging out with your wife. Ugh. Queer. No, it's Tutsie pots for me. But so the other day, Drew asked on Twitter, and then he put it in the thread, and that's what we thought,

what everybody's favorite, artificial fruit flavor was, like in candies and stuff. And he said his was banana. And I, his favorite was banana? That's what he said. He said,

his favorite was banana. And I said, first off, I do much. I know that banana, I know you kind of, banana heads for you. I find,

that's absolutely at the very bottom of the list for me. It's my least favorite. That's my least favorite. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Banana? It's at the bottom of everyone. Everyone's list.

Cherry cut, cherry, sour apple, blue raspberry, buddy. First off, cherry probably for, like across all board. There's, there's,

cherry's just hard to fuck with, dude. Yeah, but dude, blue anything, like, when I was a kid, I think blue is just

one of those, like, blue would just, if something would blue, yeah, because you're like, because in no other food in the world,

is it, like, some root of Vegas and blueberries, and blueberries are kind of purple. Like, blue's not a thing. Really? Yeah.

Quick aside in my cake show, The Great British Bake Off, and one of the seasons, they jumped all over this one girl's ass, and I think eliminated her that week because she used like a blueberry frosting and made it blue. And they went on this whole thing. They were like, you know, food should not be blue. Like, yeah.

Food or be blue. I agree completely, but it's like, am I just like, is that a fat American thing? Probably. But they seemed so disgusting that food would be blue. They're like food. Blue is not appetizing. And I was like, shit.

First of all. Blue hits. I like banana. And banana popsicles are one of my favorite popsicles because it was one of my granny's favorite. And I would have them all the time. But I'd still like most of the time am going to pick a cherry or a grape or whatever. No one on earth thinks banana is the best fake flavor.

Drew fucking knows that. And that's why he said that shit. Because he is just contrary until he dies. But again, banana. I do like that, but it's the least hitting runt by runts hit for you. Yeah, of course. I love run. Chewy runts are so goddamn good.

But they're definitely the least hitting right. They're the least hitting one. There's a reason Skittles ain't got a fucking banana. Right. Starburst ain't got a banana. I mean, I had to be honest about something. When I was like 10 or 11 fat as fuck, I had my guts checked out because I've always had gut problems and part of that process.

And that's what I was. Was yellow five? No. What do you mean? Yellow five is the dye that they used to make yellow candies. Yeah. no they did a they x-rayed my stomach to see what was going on and they found nothing there's like you just don't hit you're empty you know but they x-rayed my stomach you ever had that done or do you know how that works uh i don't know if i have i mean i gave bone marrow once i don't know if they x-rayed my stomach for all that shit i think you would know if they did because the way at least maybe this has changed but back then the way they had to do it was uh you have to drink this concoction no i've never done it that's like it's thick like a milkshake but you're It's a medical thing.

And it's, it makes your stomach show up better on the x-ray or something. So that's why you have to do it. But for kids, they flavor it. And it was banana flavor. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. And it was revolting. I had to choke down the whole thing. It made my stomach hurt.

I felt sick. It was disgusting. And I was like eight or nine or something. And that absolutely turned me off of banana flavored shit for a long time. Dude, for a chunk of my childhood because of that, I didn't even eat banana pudding. Obviously, I got over that. Right.

It's always, and I love bananas. Yeah, oh. You know, but, like, banana and coffee is like... That's probably part of it for me, but dude, like, nobody. Nobody thinks banana flavors the best. Absolutely nobody. Absolutely fucking nobody. But, yeah, I mean...

Hey, feel about great. I love it. In some things, though, it can be dime-a-tappy, for sure. Uh-huh. In some things. But, like, in... Dude, but great popsicles, oh, my Lord. Love them so much.

much the grape skill yeah yeah i mean any of them done right it's just that like you know there there will be sometimes like i've had a grape soda before that i was like that's just it's a little dime a tappie you know you got any like sleeper picks for hallowing candy like ones that you think are underrated that you were talking about kit cats being underrated but kick catcher i'm talking about something a little more obscure than kit cat if you have anythings or something like nobody ever talks about how hard this hits but this hits zero bars i swear to god i knew that you were going to say zero bars. Do you agree? Yeah, they do.

They're awesome. Yeah. They're fucking great. And then the only reason that I ever had them at Halloween was because Jerry McDonald's, whose wife, Gail, is a fucking angel sent from heaven. And she is one of my, she was my junior church lady, and she's now teaching Laura James just at a school. Like she helps with the young kids or whatever.

Jerry McDonald's favorite candy bar was zero. And he introduced all the kids to fucking zero. bars. And like it kind of blew our mind because like, we were like, no, candy bars is brown because chocolate. And he's like, no, this will hit too. And I was like, oh, my God. And I love zero bars.

They're so underrated. I also, where you stand on candy corn? I never hit for me and still doesn't. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Candy corn always felt it was like, it's waxy. Yeah.

I was like, I feel like people pretty much only fuck with this on Halloween. That's just like, so therefore it doesn't hit. Right. I mean, it's like, it's just a thing. you do because it's Halloween candy, but if it really hit, right. People would be fucking with it all the time. Yeah, I hear you.

And I just never, but the reason. I'm not grossed out by them or nothing, but they don't, it don't hit for me. I don't ever see it when it's not Halloween, because I probably would fuck with, I don't fuck with, like, any candy just all the time now, because I'm trying to be better, but like, no, every, every, I, fucking, I love candy corn, man. Candy corn is fucking great. Is there any Halloween candies that don't hit for you? Well, I mean, I'd eat all of them.

I don't like any, but nobody likes licorice. Nobody fucking likes licorice. Dude. I don't understand. I don't get it. I feel like fucking like Swedish people eat licorice or something. Yeah, but they, like old fish. Firmated fish.

Piss fish. Piss fish. Lute fish. Yeah. Lute. Black. James. We're talking about black licorish, right?

Yeah. Red liquor is fine, but it's still stupid. It's just plastic. Yeah, it's just stupid. Like I've never, like Twizzlers is doing business. I don't fucking get it. Dude, Bishop fucking loves Twizzlers. Really?

Really? Yeah. I just, they just, I just, I've never, I may neither. It tastes like I'm eating a jump rope. I agree. So.

But black liquor, I don't. That must be one of those things where it's like, it's a, it's genetic or something. Like you have a gene. Because I, people that it hits for, I'm like, how? You cannot be tasting the same thing that I'm tasting. Because if you are, you're a lunatic. Do you like clove? Do you like clove candy?

Like what? It's called clove candy. Oh, I don't even know what that is. Yeah. Because there are some, like, there's, like, tastes like the spice, cloves, like, potpourri-e, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so there are a couple things. Liquors just doesn't hit for me, but, like, I do like some old candy, like old people can't.

Horhound? Horhound. I love it. I know, we've talked about that. Because my granny had it. I don't think I've, still to this day, I don't think I've ever even had a lothound candy. Unless you were raised by someone that was born in 19, fucking 20, there's no reason. So what is, is it like, is it like, what is it, is it, how the fuck did you know that?

It just seems like, you know those little A&W root beer, fucking. fucking candies. I feel like candy used to be more in that kind of vein for some reason. Because they had to make it out of just real shit. Like they didn't have the artificial flavor. So they were like, we've got root. Like, you know the fucking little A&W little root beer barrel candies? That's fucking whorehound, pretty much.

Okay. Love those. But I think everybody had the experience with like just the ones that was just, that was just black and orange like goo. Like they were in the, Yep. The little old like sort of like bubble gum wrapper looking things, except they were black and orange. Sleeper. I've got a huge sleeper.

Okay. The fucking strawberry. Strawberry candy? No, I can't wait to hear it. Wrapped. Yeah. Wrapped and it looked like a strawberry. And then you bite into it.

It's the goo. Yeah. And it was like a strictly old people. Only old people had them. I, again, this is a granny thing, but I fucking love those. My granny had them all the time. And the bank used to like, that was what was in the bank's candy dish. And my granny used to work at the bank.

and that's where she used to fucking have them. I fucking love them shits. Where there's original sleeper, love them shits. I thought you were going to say the little, is it like the little pinstripe wrapper? I love those. The peanut butter, peanut butter bars. And they look like a zebra.

Yeah, yeah. I actually was about that's before, and I couldn't remember what they were called, but I don't remember what they're called either. I love those motherfuckers. They're great. I wonder if they're still out there doing it. I feel like all these ones we're talking about now are like old school kind of.

They are, but maybe they're still out there. Circus. I think circus peanuts it for you? Yeah, fine. Not like hugely, but I like that's another migraine thing. Like all her candies, she had a, she had like a, and it wasn't real crystal, obviously, but she had one in like crystal meme all dishes. And like it was always full of Wothers and like circus peanuts and shit.

But like, yeah, man, I don't know. Like the only candy I truly am like, dude, fuck this forever is licorice. Yeah. Now, I will say this, and this is my blessing, pill's mine. Where was Milky Way at for you and your friends? So I feel like you got You got three musketeers Just

Love them Nougut with chocolate Then Milky Way I always felt like I was on a diet When I ate three musketeers It's really light But yeah I'm taking it easy

Then Milky Way which is just that But with caramel in it And Snickers which is that But with peanuts added right So it's like you step it up every time And the order of how hard they hit for me Snickers Goes in inverse order

Yeah for me I like Snickers This is my absolute jam. And yeah, I fuck with Milky Ways, but not, like, hugely. And then Three Musketeers is at the bottom. But I still, I mean, they still make for me. Dude, I still will eat a fucking Milky Way, but, like, I really want them. So you, like, Three Musketeers better than Milky Way?

Yeah, I think so. So the addition of the caramel makes it hit less for you. I don't know. I think it's just, like, it's a change up. You know what I mean? Like, but if I want the caramel, I also want the peanuts. Like, I, like, secret. By the way, though.

I buy almond joys. I love them I fucking A You fucking hate them I fucking A I love them Mounds Almond joys is what

Yeah sometimes Yeah I pretty much I often feel like a nut I mainly feel like a nut I mainly feel like a nut But I still fuck with mounds But that's one that's like

I thought when I was a kid I didn't like almond joys as much And my granny always said As I got older They were like an acquired toast Yeah that was an old people candy too I What the fuck

We were just talking about the Milky Ways And oh hey Hot take, Snickers with almond is better than Snickers with Peanuts. I'm trying to decide. They definitely hit. Snickers for the longest time, I might not really believe that, but it's the last one I had. For the longest time, I would have told you Snickers was my number one candy bar. Me too.

I always was more fruity also, but in terms of just candy bars, Snickers was at the top. But, I mean, dog, there's some heavy hitters out there. Can I tell you something that's always fun? Reese's Butterfinger. Oh, butterfinger, but they just. change the recipe. I haven't had one since the first one I had after they changed the recipe. You're big baby Ruth, man, too. Yeah, I love Baby Ruth. I didn't bring them up only because we were talking about like sleeper stuff. Baby Ruth is probably my second favorite game.

All right now. Gun to your head right now. Put these in order for yourself. Snickers, Reese's Kit Kat, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth. I feel like all the other ones will be able to be able to that. Oh, G. recipe. Yeah. That's number one. OG recipe, Butterfinger, that's number one. And then probably baby Ruth, then probably Snickers, then what were the other ones? Kit Kat and, uh, oh, put Twix in there and Reese's cups. Reese's cups is the other one I said. Oh, then. Good.

I know, right. It's hard. Reese's cuffs, man. Then. Come on. Then, no, God damn. You're a fuck with like a score. Yeah.

Them and, uh, score and Heathbar. Same thing. Yeah. Oh, God, I love those. Caramallows. Yeah, bro. What you mean? macaulets love watching macaulets well by 100 grand i love the hundred grand yeah oh henry yep

big fit love the oh henry i love all i love that candy so much candy does it uh what the fuck was i saying before oh my god it was it was it was well it was definitely about fucking candy it was about oh oh oh something's always blown my mind and i don't know if i ever talked to anybody about it and it would have definitely been you do you find it odd that like we're talking about like Oh, Snickers with Peanuts, Snickers with almond. Do you find it odd that the cashew is not utilized in candy bars? I never really thought about it, but yeah, not. Because I like cashew more than I like peanuts.

I love cashew. I like cashew. It's my favorite nut is pistachio. But cashew is probably number two. I like it better than peanuts and almonds. Imagine a Snickers with cashew. Yeah. That would be off the goddamn charts. Why don't they?

I don't know. It has to be price or something like that, right? That's probably what it is. But like almonds are more expensive than cashews, aren't they? I don't think so. Just do it and charge me. I hate it when it's that. I'm like, just fucking do it and charge me.

Just see. Like, I just don't, I don't know. What about, like, boxes of chocolates, like, on Valentine's Day? I mean, like, it's one of those things where I like the idea more than I like the thing. I feel like you get four or five to hit, and then the other ones are pretty... I was not hitting. I think it's, like, 25% of that box hits. Right, yeah.

You know what I mean? And, like, you find that pretty quick, and then you're like, all right. Right, so we're going to throw this away, right? Yeah, about like a cherry cordial. I like cherry cordials. Yeah. My grandmother, her first job that she ever had was making cherry cordials on a factory at the Brock Candy Company. And so, and instead of, you'd think it would be like, oh, so she could never eat one again the rest of her life.

It always reminded her of her first job, which was a huge deal because she grew up during the Depression. And like she actually made a little bit of money and got out of the house. So she always had this like very nostalgic affection for cherry cordials and we used to eat them all the time. And because of that, I really love them. Uh, fuck. I had another one and then I forgot it. We could talk about candy forever. I know.

And we hadn't even really talking. Just naming a candy. Hits. That does hit. Name another candy. That hits too. Yeah. That does it too.

Oh, catberry eggs. Oh, my God, dog. Yeah. They're a lot. Like now when I'm like, Jesus Christ. That's another thing, though, too. It's like, what? It's just, you're right.

Yeah. As an adult, Cabberry Egg egg, like, Jesus Christ. Just fucking Easter come. It's pretty egregious. It's very egregious. That's another thing, though, too, that we only do once a year. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. But, dude, you talk about, dude, I think about this shit all the time when it comes to like, okay, Eminem's and Cabberry eggs, what are they have in common? Besides, they're both chocolate and they're both candies. I don't know. on their respective holidays. Eminem's didn't even bring up Eminem's. Yeah.

That's one of the things why we even got to talk about that. Like, Eminem and Cadbury Egg have both, they both have a 30 year commercial that's still in rotation. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like the Cadbury Egg, it's still the one with the bunny and the fucking line because they're like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. These motherfuckers only come out once a year. Like, they haven't, they obviously have to pay for their ad time.

Every time, but they've not paid for a new commercial in forever. Eminem's, they still make, it's still the same characters,

but they make new ones. They do. No, no, I know that. But at Christmas they show that that Santa Claus one.

And you have to. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. And Hershey Kisses, too. Yeah. They do exist. And Hershey Kisses too.

They've gone, do, do, do, do, do, do. Yep, yep. Like, those are the three commercials that I'm like, all candy

where they're just like, dude, I don't know what to tell you. Like, that's wild, though, who's the red M&M andam. Sponge, he plays Fry on Futurama.

Fucking Jesus Christ, he's one of the most prolific and fucking... Is it John DiMaggio? No, John DiMaggio plays Bender. Right. By the way, we hit for him. No, I know he did. I know he did.

That's why I almost didn't want to say that because I thought I was wrong. I knew he was Bender, but I couldn't remember if he was like both. No, I'm about to look it up because, again, that motherfucker is... Billy West. Billy West.

Billy West. because the yellow one is J.K. Simmons. Yes. I know. And I didn't find that out until fucking, like, last year. Yeah, I told you. You told me, and it blew my fucking mind. I remember we were in the Zanis condo.

Yeah. And that commercial came on. And, uh, and you said that about Billy West. And then I was like, yeah, and the other one was Jack K. Simmons. And it was like, I could see you go, holy shit it is. Yeah. Like, when you know, you can tell. It's impossible not to.

Yeah. But like, he's had that gig forever. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. He, man, he's made a big. a shitload of money off of just that. Of course he's been doing that for 30 years. Per Drew, he got his star as a state, as a...

He's like, you know, he didn't really even start hitting until he made those farmers insurance commercials or whatever. Yeah, he was like, it's wild. It's wild. He was the farmer's insurance guy. And then he won an Oscar. It's like, are you... Word?

He was not the... Yeah. He'd been hitting for a long time. He was J. Jonah Jameson before that shit. He was arguably the star of Oz. Schillinger. He's a skinhead. I've got to watch that shit.

Yeah, it is. It's just so heavy, I'm certain. Well, what do you think? I think I got a piece, so he may as well call it. Yeah. And hey, come see us on tour. Said we're going to be at the DC Improv this weekend, I guess as you're hearing this. And yeah, man, fuck, go to well-redcommy.com.

Sign up for Trace Patreon. Sign up for my new substack. Listen to Into the Abisket with Drew Morgan and DJ DJ Lewis and Huggy Mama's neck. Weekly skews. At weekly skews. Yeah, that's another thing. Man, we're just doing so much.

We give these people so much. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you. God bless you. Good night and skew.