wellRED podcast - #277 - Carmen Morales Might Be a Carnie!

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

This week we are joined by one of our favorite funny people, the hilarious Carmen Morales! We talk about her run ins with the law, she gives us some tips for handling the cops, we for some reason talked about John Wayne, Ted Danson doing blackface, black face in general, and then circled back to amusement parks and our favorite trashy carnival foods!You can go see Carmen on tour by going to CarmenMorales.com and you can also watch her new special on HBO MAX!Trae is coming to a city near you as well! Grab Tickets at TraeCrowder.comCorey is taking the summer off to write... you can subscribe to his blog/newsletter at CoreyWritesForYou.com (if you can't afford it, email him at [e-mail] and he'll comp you!)At the end of this podcast is a trailer for Corey and Trae's new podcast  @Puttin On Airs Podcast  ... watch it at WatchPOA.com or listen to it whereever you get your podcasts!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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They're the liberal red necks they like cornbread but sex they care way too much but don't give a fun. They're the liberal rednecks that makes some people people upset, but they got three big old dicks that you can suck. Well, thank you for being here with us and going. I didn't know you's going to have to go through a whole mess of trouble to just be on here. You could have just said, fuck you guys. I don't want to do it. Yeah, I can't do that.

Well, for everybody listening, you probably hear a familiar voice. That is one of the funniest people on earth, one of our best friends. And also, if you listen to the podcast while me and Trayor were out of town, the fill-in host for I believe y'all are calling it the well red beard podcast. Yeah. It is Carmen Morales, everybody. Hi. It only seems fair that I would come on without Drew as well.

I want everyone to know this is an equal opportunity to talk shit. So either way, everybody gets it. I think you will find this to be a better experience. I only say that because I have to assume that, at least on the first episode that y'all did together there was some mad shit talked about me and trey i didn't listen oh well no i mean it's just you know it all comes from a place that we wish we were with you so yeah right you know so it's not like there wasn't any real shit talking i mean not from you because you're sweet oh well that's cute that you don't think i'm capable i don't think you're capable

and actually meaning the shit that you say. Dude, I know for a fact that you're good at, like, busting balls, like you're the queen of busting balls. Yeah, yeah, but, like,

I feel like Drew would mean it. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, I definitely don't think he, yeah. It was all like, it was just funnier from him to be like,

whatever, I don't even care. Like, that was a funny, it's a funny place to come from when you guys are in Europe having the time of your lives, blowing each other at fucking big Ben.

And then, Me and him are sweating in his apartment doing the podcast without you guys. Yeah. Yeah. It's funnier that he's upset. It would be weird if he was like, I just hope they're having the best time. Because then that seems like he's lying to himself. Like, who wouldn't want to be in Europe instead? Like, fuck off, of course.

So I know you're in L.A. right now, obviously, because you're at Jackie's place. But are you otherwise touring what's going on right now? I mean, yes. You know, yes, both. I know you'd be living on the road most of the time. I just didn't know if you were going to be in L.A. for a while or if you got some dates. I'd like you to go ahead and plug your dates now because we will forget to have you plug your dates. Oh, sure, Carmen Morales.com for all of your Carmen Morales needs.

There's a bunch of dates you could see me. I'm going to go do a few dates with Mr. Ron Funches. So I'll be at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, July 7th with him. And then we're doing Arizona together at Stand Up Live at the end of July, July 28th through 30th. I'll be at Brad Gerrits in Vegas and August. I mean, at Carmanorowell's.com. Follow me at the funny Carmen.

And if you haven't already, you dick, watch me on HBO Max, please. Yes, absolutely. Trey, where you're going to be this week. Yeah, I was going to say, since we're doing that,

you're still putting these out on Wednesday's show, typically, sometimes Tuesdays, when's this one's going to be? I'll put this out, I'll put this out Tuesday since we're doing it early for sure. And if, especially if you need it for date reasons.

Well, I'll be in Ohio. I think that's, I mean, if this comes out Tuesday, I'm in Columbus tonight, I don't think that. I know that, but I think it may be sold out, which hits. Nice. But, like, I'm skeptical of that, though. I heard that and went and checked and everything, and I was like, I don't know. There's probably still some tickets left, but I'm unsure. But then tomorrow I'll be in Dayton and Cincinnati after that.

And then I'm in Virginia next week and a bunch of other places after that this summer. She'd go to Trey Crowder.com and get that free. figured out. And yeah, it'll be fun. From what I've learned, and this is a pro tip for everybody out there trying to see shows, a lot of times when it says sold out, what it means is there's, there's no seats next to each other. They only have individual seats. You know, sometimes it's like virtually sold out. So if you just need like a single ticket, oftentimes you can call and get it. So if it's sold out and you're going alone, you know, give it a try. Yeah, there you go. They were not do that. They should make it more clear because I agree, but it's something like that too. Yeah.

Yeah, there should be like a single rider's light, like they have in theme parks, you know, or with people that go by themselves or they're passing their kids off, go in and get to ride, go to the front, because it's just one person. Right. So they're filling all the gaps. Yeah, no, I agree. But, yeah, sold out for some reason doesn't always mean sold out. Are you a big, are you an amusement part person, Carmen?

I wouldn't say I'm an amusement part person, but I do like roller coasters. Is that what we have to call Carnies now because it's so PC? carnies are fucking carnies forever dude i remember i got i'd gotten arrested in in minneapolis during the minnesota state fair and i was waiting my way out to i was waiting my way out of a DUI you know because they say they have to give you in your rights they have to give you an ample time to seek council and um so i it was you know two o'clock in the morning and i was like well this is an ample time to seek counsel. So then they put me in a room with a phone and a phone book. And a lot of the pages of the attorneys had been ripped out. And I was like, oh my God, whoever that was,

thank you so much. Because that was my fucking, that was my way in. So I was there for like an hour. The cop was fuming with me. But a dude that came in, I think he tested a 1.8 and he looked exactly like any imaginative idea of what a carny was, like scraggly, beard, wearing too colorful of an outfit that didn't match like they had a goofy ass voice I think he might have been missing one it wasn't the whole one that was just one of your sister yeah it was just a tip

it wasn't like a you know he didn't have the bowling ball hand or whatever but he just a mild firecracker actually yeah yeah you'll have that which to be fair I've been that I've almost been a carney then because I've let a firecracker go off a little too close to

I mean, really. I feel like what we do as comedians is like not much different than a carney. You know what I mean? We just don't have a screwdriver. I mean, professional wrestlers call themselves carneys because like professional wrestling started in the carnivals. But like, look, we're live entertainment. We're trying to get people to come see a fucking show that it's stupid. We're carnies.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's just no prizes at the end. There's merch you can buy the fucking bear. You can't win it, though. Your prize is you have to buy two drinks. Yeah, exactly. Wait, I want to circle back a little bit to the, will you elaborate on the logger part?

Like, you game the system somehow is what you're saying because of, you can wait your way out of a deal. I mean, if you're not too fucked up, I had just taken like two sh-shall, like it was one of those, it was like one of those. shows and then at the end of it everybody wanted to do shots like right out as I was leaving. So I took like two, two huge like two two ounce shots right before I left. So I knew I was going to blow higher than I actually was drunk.

Okay. Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to be a piece of shit. I was just like, dude, I'm not drunk at all, you know. Yeah. But it was on what makes it even funny. I was on my way to a drug dealer's house. But anyways, but yeah, you can do that because they have to give you time to seek counsel. So then I was just like, I kept playing it.

Like, look, I'm not from here. It's 2 o'clock in the morning. There's no pages in the fucking phone book. Like, so then I talked the dude into letting me get my phone. And then I just texted every comedian I knew in town and was like, does anybody know anybody in the law? And then one of the comedians in town because odds are, there's another criminal. Yeah. There's a criminal around town that knows somebody that knows somebody.

Well, one of the comedians happened to be a parley. goal for this kind of thing. So then he ended up like somebody contacted him and then he contacted me. And then I just called him from that phone. And then we were just, he was just like, we're just gonna wait for a while.

We're gonna wait until ultimately, until they give me an ultimatum. And then I either blow or go to jail. So I was like, so every time he was like, you know, are you gonna fucking, what's the deal? And I'm just like, I don't know. I'm just, I don't, you know, I don't know, I don't fucking know.

like so you didn't blow initially you didn't do the breath riser and so you they impounded my car and they took me to jail because they have to they have to blow twice did you do a field sobrily plan like yeah right yeah and you passed yep and you passed it so like if you just sit there and wait it out and then you're like okay fine I'll blow but your blood alcohol has gone down they can't do shit correct I didn't know this little fucking gimmick no me neither that's what I'm saying this is and I to be fair I also gave him the lead I had my yeah yeah I know your audience I'm trying out. I'm still,

so you get pulled over, they give you a filter variety test, you pass it, but then they're like, no, well, fuck that. No,

they're like, we want you to blow. They were just insisting that I blew. And I was like, no, I don't want to. I passed this a variety test.

There's no reason for me to do that. And then he was like, well, if you don't blow, we have to take you to jail. And then I was like, okay, I guess you're taking me to jail.

And it's like, if you want to, we can inconvenience us, if you want to. And then he was like, is there anything in the car? So then I was like, I have it because I, you know, I know weeds decriminalized in Minnesota.

So I was like, I do have a little bit of marijuana. You can have it, whatever. So I gave them up my tiny amount of weed. That was there. I had way, I had way more weed elsewhere in the car. Yeah, right. Oh, that's a good note. You always give a little bit to hide the big amount.

Oh, my God. You're killing it. So I gave them. So I give them this small amount of weed. And then they're like, we're going to have to impound your car. And I was like, okay, I guess you're going to have to impound my car. And then they, because they, here's the thing is like, like they have to breathelize you again at the station.

So as he's reading me my rights, one of my rights is the right to seek counsel. And then so I look up on my phone, there is no time limit for the amount of time it takes for you to seek counsel. So I was like, well, I would like to seek counsel. I was like, I'm not from this state. I don't know shit about this place. So then that's when they put me in the room with the phone and the phone book.

And then, you know, an hour and a half, probably 90. I probably waited him out like two hours and he was fucking mad. He was mad because by then, but your whole thing was like, I need, I'm not comfortable doing any of this until I seek counsel. Like you have to give me the right. I have the right to seek counsel and I want to do that before I'm going to do a breathalizer

because I don't know what all the rules are because I'm not from here or whatever. Correct. It's sort of your line. But inside you're like, I'm just waiting these shots out. The shots that I took. I'm waiting them out. And then, okay.

at a certain point the cop can just say fuck that and like the lawyer said it's literally in your Miranda rights they have to you have the right to seek counsel so they have to let you do that but that lawyer said the thing about the ultimatum is like we're just going to wait them out like can you just do what you did like indefinitely

there's no point at which they could be like okay look whatever we gave you time now you either got to do this or I think you have to like at least act like you're still seeking counsel like I think you know because I was still calling I mean I actually was calling attorney's offices but it was 2 o'clock of the morning. Did they bail you?

What, who? Did the lawyer bail you for that call? No. No. No, it was the comedian. It was like the, oh. Yeah, the paralegal.

So I didn't actually talk to an attorney. I just had the, he was just saying, let's just wait it out. He's like, if you don't think you're that fucked up, let's just wait it out. And so he just kept asking me, did you find anybody? And I was like, no, I'm still looking. Were you doing shots at the fair? No, but it was just during the fair.

So a Carney came in while I was there. That's how that's all connected. That's why I was like, oh, man. And then he blew 1.8. And I was like, yeah, you think we're of the same. Like, he'd just come from working on the tilt a whirlblown. That's what I'm saying. He literally came from the fair.

He came from work. How did that ultimately resolve? I think that means two tickets in Karni. Like, what was the ultimate resolution of that for you? How long were you in there ultimately? And then what did you finally do? I got out at 3.30, I asked the cop for a ride to my friend's house, the drug dealer's house, since they were, since I didn't have a car, they impounded my car.

So the cop gave me a ride back to my buddy's house. And then the next day I picked up my car, it cost me $100 to get it out of the impound. so instead of me getting a $10,000 DUI for me having two shots on the way home, I just had to pay $100 and get my car because also because I was cool and I gave him the weed that I had. But they also didn't know that I have a fuck ton in the trunk. But you took the breathalyzer finally after an hour and a half. Yeah. And what did you get?

What'd you score? Oh, 1.7 something. Or no, I was zero point. Yeah, yeah. 0.7 something. So it was like close. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, borderline. But hey, still counts. Yeah. In the eyes of the law. Well, that's, that's fucking give a little bit of your way. A little bit. I thought that was a stroke of brilliance, though, for real. I mean, you know it's decriminalizing that state, but like you're being.

She knows the state she's in and how they are, but, you know, like, I don't think that should have worked in every state. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. No, no, no. I mean, yeah. But is that a standard practice for you? Like when, like, you always do that with your- Just giving cops weed?

No, I mean, I'm storing weed in that way. Like, if you've got a large amount, do you take a little bit and put it somewhere else? Well, yeah, who's-you-want? You want to keep a brick on the dash and just, oh, I'm like have best dashed by one-a-old- Yeah, you would just do that as a general course of action for smoking weed. that's how it would work. But it also has the upside of being a, you know, a legal cheat code. Yeah.

And so. Well, that's always been my thing. I mean, that worked in Florida, too. I did the same thing in Florida. There was a, you know what? You know what? Let's hear more about Florida right after this. Oh, okay.

And we're back. Because I just know that we're going to talk about Florida a lot and we would skip for a break. Florida and Wade, go ahead. What's the... Oh, it was just... I was like smoking with some street performers after a show down there one time. More carnies?

Yeah, no, different kinds. I think you're a Carney. Where you have a type. I'm not like trying to fuck them. We just do drugs together, you know? That's how it starts, man. No Carney's ever sober fucked a woman. You know what I mean?

It's a good drug-doing group. For sure, it's like carnies and line cooks, you know. Yeah. Well, line cooks usually have, have harder drugs. For sure. Yeah. So anyway, straight performers. Straight performers.

You were smoking with them. And then, but they were like buskers. They weren't like, you know, they weren't committed to the life, if you will. Like, they were just, it was middle class kids pretending to be real poor. That's all. Yeah, right. I've been there. Yeah. So they have, what happened? So then, oh, anyways, one of these dudes had a bunch of, we got rolled up on because we were smoking in a park. And whatever, it was totally chill, I took the lead. And I was like, I apologize. I gave him the marijuana, a little bit of marijuana that I had. And I was like, that's it. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. But in my, in my sack that I had in a bicycle, because everybody rides bicycles around there, I had.

a bunch of mushrooms. And dude in the Hauna element that we were smoking out of, also fucking of mushrooms in there. So then whatever chatted him up, I apologize, I didn't know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, or being cool.

And then as we're leaving, one of the dudes was like, hey, where's a good place to park, you know, to sleep or whatever? And then his friend goes, what are you doing?

We just got away, Scott Free. He says that in front of the cop. And then I was like, oh, wow. I was like, you're a fucking idiot. I can't believe that guy was stupid. Yeah, yeah.

How have you been doing drums this long? And you're still that dumb. Like, how did you pull? We pulled it off so seamless, smooth. Cop was even going to be chill about the, like, he was totally, like, whatever. Anyways, then the dogs come, all this other shit. We, you know, they find more weed, they didn't find the shrooms or anything like that. but so he ended up just like

bothering everyone for another so we sat there for fucking an hour and a half while you know my felony is sitting right there but luckily they didn't give a shit about that is shrooms more trouble than weed in the eyes of the cops I don't know

yeah because it's medicinal in Florida weed's medicinal in Florida now so oh right I just didn't I didn't know if like in Georgia where everything is hell I didn't know if like I'd be safer to be caught with weed or mushroom rooms because like I don't know for a long time there it was but you know obviously a lot of this just changed in a lot of places but it was a is it schedule one right schedule one that's what it called the they have the different schedules and drugs and schedule one is the worst one and

we was that for a really long time so in the same category as heroin and all that type of shit which is part of what people always been I think at a federal level I don't know did they ever deschedule it I like federally I know a lot of states have done, you know, I know that like, I know that like percissets and shit like that literally just became Schedule 1 like eight years ago. And so like for so long,

if you got caught with oxycott and that was better than getting caught with weed, which is just like such a preposterous. Well, I mean, that is why we are where we are now where there's an opiate, where do they calling it, an epidemic or whatever? Dude, I told,

I told my mom when she, she's the one that told me she said uh all they just she's like what does schedule one mean i was like that's like the highest class of drugs she goes well they just schedule one uh pain pills and i just look i go well heroin's about to be back in a big way and sure is fucking shit if it weren't so uh yeah like according to the DEA weed is still to this day from what i can tell by googling it a schedule one substance meaning that it has a high potential for abuse no currently accepted medical use and treatment in the United States and a lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision, which like all of that is just such obvious bullshit. But that's the

DEA still running with that, evidently. So, yeah. Appreciate your DEA. Yeah. I mean, that was, I thought the DEA was cool, you know. Like, yeah. Didn't Elvis like the DEA? I thought the DA was pretty chill. Yeah, well, wasn't it? It was he wanted to become enough. He wanted to get that badge because that way he could have drugs on him all the time. That was his gimmick. And the gun, which is pretty gangster.

And the gun. Yeah, he wanted to be able to have drugs and guns on him. On planes. I'll be a DEA agent. Yeah. What a wild fucking cat. Carmen, you're from Florida. So I have to assume that these two incidences aren't the only times you've had a brush with the law.

am I correct? No, I usually get away with everything. Well, it seems like it. But like, what about, what about street people slash carnies slash lunatics, any of that stuff? You know, wild Floridians, Florida man running about that type of thing. Yeah, we don't ever, we talk a lot of shit about Florida, but never actually have anybody here from Florida to defend Florida if that's possible. Well, here's the thing. I mean, you can defend it.

because it is like Florida genuinely is that Marilyn Monroe quote where it's like if you can't handle me at my anti-masker you don't deserve me to go in the ocean in February like it's just kind of like and that's kind of how the rest of the country treats Florida is it they treat they treat they treat us like we're a toxic X that we just love to see once a year and just don't tell anybody how much fun we had with us you know like that's pretty perfect yeah you know that's pretty Because then once a year they're like, hey, Florida, what are you doing? Yeah. It's like so cold up here. And the only other beach I go to is in fucking Alabama,

which, you know, not much better. But yeah, you kind of got to, you kind of got to do that if you're trying to go to the beach. Yeah, those beaches. When I compare coasts, Florida always wins because I can go to the ocean any time of the year.

You can't even go the ocean in fucking July in California. It's still goddamn cold. You get two weeks in August. Two weeks in August without a wetsuit. That's it. Yeah, see, people don't. I've talked about this on here before because that was like such a huge shock to me when I moved out of here.

I did not realize that at all. But yeah, because I think one thing people think of never been to like L.A. or Southern California is they think of beaches and surfers and that type of shit like beach culture. But the fucking water is freezing cold almost the entire year round. And I'd only ever been to the ocean in Florida before moving out here. and I thought, that's what I thought it was going to be like. And I love that shit. But it just, it completely took any interest in the beach out of me when I found that. Because like, to me, the water.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, the water is the beach. Like, if you can't be getting in the water, then I don't know like you even. What's the point? Yeah. What's the point? Yeah. Right.

Exactly. So I just don't. I stopped caring. I used to love going to the beach when I lived in fucking Tennessee and the beach was in Florida. And I was really looking forward to that about moving out here. But we went a couple of times. I put it together that it was always cold.

and ever since then I've been like, I don't give a fuck about the beach. Like, because it just seems harmless. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. It's like,

oh, look at this gorgeous place you can't. You go in too long. You'll die. Like, it's like, oh, thanks.

Thanks a lot for them. But them fuckers, them fuckers still do be surfing out there. And I guess just freezing their ass off. Yeah, right. But dude, I mean,

even in a wetsuit, like, god damn, like I know that's still cold. Yeah. I don't really know how wet suits work in that way. I don't either. I don't,

I'm very wet so dumb. Yeah. I know that that's the idea, but like, yeah, it just seems like I'm with Corey. It seems like they'd still be cold. But maybe they're not. Maybe those things are. Yeah, but your organs will stay warm. Like, you'll feel like, at least your organs.

Yeah. Your tutsies and your hands will be cold, but you'll like, you'll be, like, you won't feel freezing while you're in there. If I'm ever in jeopardy of my organs being cold, I'm staying at the fucking house. I'm not putting on a fucking organ thermos and jumping in the goddamn ocean but yeah it's the same kind of idea if you put

if you wrap saran wrap around your forearm or something and how it would sweat it's the same kind of idea it's just that no heat gets out of it so even if there's cold water that gets in there the cold water warms up and then that you have that warm water layer between you and the cold water

you see what I'm saying so there's almost like a It's almost like a thermal pocket of your body heat temperature water that's against your skin. And then there's no way for it to go nowhere for it to go. Wrapped saran wrap around your forearm, huh? That's what women in the South do. Are we talking about those body wrap things? Yeah. To lose tummy white.

The full Monty. I remember that guy used to wrap his stomach around in saran wrap while he was eating a candy bar. That's why I remember that. What made you say forearm, though? Is forearm part of it? No, I don't know. Just because it's any wrap around anything, yeah. So I never knew, we've made fun of those raps before because we knew people like we went to high school with that we're selling those raps for a while on Facebook.

The like weight loss raps. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's real. I really even knew what the rationale was supposed to be. Yeah. Like how people sit in a sauna and shit. So it's like sweating. Yeah, I mean.

You sweat. It's like wrestlers putting the trash bags. Garbage bags. Yeah, right. Like, okay. Same idea. Same idea. That's just fucking water weight, though.

That shit, it would be working, dude. I know a dude who, uh, he cut, I think, I think he told me he cut 16 pounds in 24 hours. Yeah, but the whole thing with all that, right, is that they're just, they're just severely dehydrating. Yeah, yeah, but, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, trap the heat in so that they sweat more or whatever yeah but that's just crazy to like dehydrate you yeah yeah yeah but it's not actually lose it because the way the idea right with that is that they do all that to cut to get down the weight they have to make in order to be allowed into the fight but then they go eat a cake and drink and drink plenty of water and all that stuff and then they you know they

get up to what their actual weight is so it's like cheating so it's like being it is like it's like I fighting at 185, but really, I'm 205 pound dude or whatever, but I use these tricks to get down to 185 to be allowed into, but they all do it. So it's still kind of a level. Did you hear that, did you hear that Charles Barkley story about when he was getting drafted? So, so, so, but I don't remember it. I'm going to butcher it a little bit, but I can get the mechanics of it right. So Carmen, you know, you know Chuck Buck, Charles Barkley. He, uh, when he was a, yeah, terrible. When he was about to get drafted, he realized that he was probably going to get drafted by the 76ers, and he really did not want to go to the 76ers.

So when it was coming up for the way in and like all their physicals and stuff for like draft time, he decided he was going to gain a bunch of weight so that they wouldn't take him. And so like literally two days before, he's at like, I think he was like at 220 or something like that. And so him and his buddy, he said he ate Denny's like, you know, he ate three breaks. breakfasts at Denny's and he just, I mean, went in for two days. This motherfucker gained 36 pounds in two days. Yeah, in two days. In two days.

All the food. Like, he just hasn't digested any other. He just hadn't cooked it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He gained 36 pounds and the six are still took him. So.

Now you got to run around with those grand slams in there, buddy. Yeah. Isn't that, is that an urban legend? Isn't that something people say about John Wayne? Anybody know? Yeah, and it's not true. It's not true. The legend was that he died with 50 pounds of undigested steak in his gut.

Oh, I see, that's the manly way to say it. I just always heard he died with 50 pounds of impacted shit in his intestines. Yeah, that definitely sounds less cool. No, I know. That's how I always heard. It's funny because it was said to... Real old men were like changed it to undigested steak

specifically to make it. It's funny because like it was like it literally was just, it was to me from what I've read up about that because I'd heard it so many times because so many old men from Chickamauga who worship John Wayne bring that up all the time. And so I started researching it and like that was from what I can tell the theory is that like there was there used to be a bunch of like, you know how there's like Chuck Norris jokes and names.

Well, that used to be a thing for John Wayne back in the day where they would just do all these, say all these Bill Braskey things. And that was one of them. And it's just so funny to me that like someone thought that that was a man. Like they were attributing that to being manly. And it's like all you're saying is he didn't shit. Dude, you're blowing my mind right now because I had heard that urban legend, but I'd never heard it put that way.

So I always heard it as like people like, I've never heard it in a cool context. It was just like Elvis on the shitter type of thing Where it was just like John Wayne died with shit in his butt That he was so insanely constipated Just that like you know after John Wayne died They found out that he had been constipated for like six months or something They couldn't take a shit and it's just like you know

Isn't that something I guess but it was never like yeah He was such a manly man that I found 50 pounds of fucking cow meat in his butt after he died or whatever That's how it's always been said to me like everybody was like You know John Wayne died with 50 pounds of steak, undigested, and they're saying that again like it's a cool thing. And it's like, that's unhealthy. That's stupid. Maybe it's a regional thing, like one part of Tennessee is its shit and one part of its masculinity.

Yeah, right. Maybe just John Wayne's shit means different things in different parts of Tennessee. Yeah. I don't remember hearing it in person. I'm going to reading it like on the internet and stuff. like forums and shit like that. But you know, yeah, John Wayne. Great rabbit hole to go down.

Man. If you want to see a guy who really hated Indians, like, he, I don't know if it was just a method thing. Like, or, I don't know, I don't think he was a method actor. He just, you know. He's a Daniel Day Lewis of Hatred.

Yeah, right. Yeah, it was real. He wasn't like, like, they were like, who's the greatest, you know, cowboy actor of all time. let's find the guy who hates Indians the most and start there, I think is what happened because he really did not like.

You know, and that, you know about when Marlon Brando won the best actor, but he wasn't there and he said the Native American and go up there to accept it for him in protest and talk about it. Well, John Wayne was being physically restrained backstage

while that was happening. What? He was trying to go fucking tackle this Native American. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah.

Hollywood's biggest cowboys like, let me add her. Wow. He's trying to root and toot. Dude, they weren't having it. He was committed to the bit, huh? I know, that's what I'm saying. Did somebody not tell him he's not an actual cowboy? No, no one ever told him that.

No one ever told him. He fully believed he was. He is. He dodged the war, too, didn't he? Oh, yeah. He dodged the war several times, which, like, I've said a million. I've said a million times. I would never judge someone, basically.

solely on them dodging the war. And I say that because like... Hold on. We're talking about World War II with him, right? Yeah. I still... I don't think that's the same thing. But, dude, no.

Vietnam, yeah. World War II to me is a different story. I'm not saying it... I'm not saying that dodging it makes you a great person. I'm just saying if you dodge the draft, but then didn't go on to be rah, rah, rah, I'm the fucking American cowboy. That makes it a little bit different.

But if there was somebody who was like, look, man, I love my wife. I just didn't. I just didn't want to fight. I don't want to go to war. I don't know what to tell you. I just don't want to go to war.

I can't look at that person and be like, fuck you, go to war. But like the fact that he's, he was a draft dodger and was still the pinnacle of just the ideological man. That is fucking bullshit. Maybe I think that's, maybe that's why he was,

he was compensating for that. Maybe that's why he was so, uh, he just sucked. He just sucked. made me. He just didn't hit. Every goddamn story you read about John Wayne

is fucking worse than the last. I mean, he just fucking suck dick, horrible piece of shit. And everybody loves him. And he wasn't a good actor either. Fucking horrible actor. Most wooden motherfucker played Gangus Khan. That's pretty funny.

I was about to bring that up. You know that, Carmen? Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Carvin, as you know, in the 90s, Anthony Hopkins played a black man in a movie, Sir Anthony Hopkins.

That's how he got knotted. Yeah. He got knighted for blackfeas? No, no. I don't know. I think it was very light black face. I think there might have been makeup. He played a biracial dude.

Yeah. Does make it a little bit better. Yeah, it's better than he just, yeah. He's a little bit like Carl Malone or something. Yeah. Dude. It's just Carl Malone. Anthony Hopkins is Carl Malone.

It was like, if we were talking about like Steph Curry or something. And Cuba Gooding Jr. is John Stockton. That'd be a great movie. Yeah. Well, you know, Jimmy Kimmel actually did Blackface as Carl Malone for years. He did.

And it crushed me. And I understand now that it shouldn't have, my favorite line was, my favorite one was he goes, uh, call Malone don't think it should be called diabetes. Carl Malone think it should be called live BTs. that was my favorite but yeah dude looking back it's like wow i cannot believe he did this but like but

because i think the reason that uh because camel got called out on it later and like of course he was like he was like i shouldn't have done that i think that it would have been a bigger deal had most everyone not kind of known that carl malone was a huge piece of shit you know what i mean like i think that everybody i think everybody saw that and then read up on carl malone and was just like whatever Yeah. Also, it's like, you know, at the time, it's funny at the time, which, you know, it was 20 goddamn years ago now or whatever, but like in the early odds, it was like, oh, he's, you know, he's portraying a real person. Right. He's not just doing a black caricature. He's not just doing, you know, black face, even though that is, you know, he's totally doing black face. But it's like, no, he's just, he's pretending to be Carl Malone. Dude, he was doing black face, black neck, black arms. That motherfucker was painted smooth black.

Like on Saturday Night Live back in the day, they all did that all the time. Yeah, Billy Crystal played Sammy Davis Jr. And crushed it. Yeah, he did. He had his cadence down real well. Dude, he did. It was like, it's like so unfortunate because it's like you shouldn't have had, you shouldn't have had Billy Crystal in Blackface.

However, I don't know anybody that can do a goddamn Sammy Day. He could do his eye too. Like he could just sit there and make his fucking eye move. It was crazy. Did you guys know that Whoopie Gold and Ted Danson Oh yeah And then he did it

Yeah and then he did blackface And it was her idea I was about saying it was her idea right Yeah yeah But like buddy I wonder what that The conversation was like You know what I'm getting talked into that

Like yeah Was Ted dancing just like immediately like Oh it's a great idea? Yeah hell yeah Or you know Was he like I don't know I don't know

Are you sure And she's like it's fine It's my idea It'll be fine. Because, because again, as you said, you know, when Jimmy Kimmel did Carl Malone, he was portraying a real person and they just made him look regular black. But fucking Ted Danson, it was the lips. It was, yeah, it was my old Kentucky home. Like it was fucking rough, son.

But yeah, it was for a bit. And I don't even know what the bit was. They were at a roast. What was the bit? What was it supposed to be? I don't remember what it was. He said he more blackface and it was her idea. But like what were they,

what was supposed to be happening? I don't know. Like, was he going to go up there and fucking dance? Like, I have no idea. Mama's little baby love shopping. You didn't shopping in?

Yeah. Ted Dancin. I don't know. I don't know. Why did Ted Johnson? Oh. To roast. To roast.

Was it her roast? It was her roast? roast. Shit. He also uses the N-word. Oh, well, I mean... You gotta be a... Well, never mind.

Yeah. You gotta be a bear or be a grizzly. Exactly. We used it more than a dozen times as he joked about his and Goldberg's sex life and other topics. He said the N-word 12 times. It just says more than a dozen times.

Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, you can't do that. Apparently the mayor of New York was coming. And he said, I was told the mayor's coming, so don't do any politics jokes. Just do N-word jokes, except he didn't say N-word. He just said the N-word. So I don't understand still really what...

It seems like whoopee was done with him and was really pulling a fast one because, like, there's no goddamn way that in her mind she thought this will go over great because, you know, I'm his girlfriend. She said she got up there, you know, because she was being rusted and she got up there later. And she said it takes a whole lot of courage to come out in blackface. I don't care if you don't like it. I do. Which frankly definitely helped him out at the time. Oh, sure. You know what I mean?

Like, I mean, the whole, I have a black friend argument is stupid, but like at that time, you know, that definitely helped him a little bit. Yeah. That's rough stuff, man. It's also, it's like that it's Ted dancing. You know what I mean? Like, that sounds like a John Wayne story. Right. Exactly.

Well, I think that's the other reason why, like, then it's because it's him, it seems like it's less, like a less malicious. or you know what I'm saying? Yeah, John Wayne. I feel like everybody kind of accepted, I guess. It's like, because again, they worked together. She did endorse it. I feel like everybody kind of accepted. It's like, you know, he got a...

He was like, it was a bit. It wasn't my idea. Yeah, he was giving some bad advice. Yeah. And this is also, like, it's important to note. This is like, I think was Cheers still on the air had just gone off the air? I just read it had like

Then it had just gone off the air He had just that movie with her Like made in America Remember where he's like a sperm donor And then I don't remember this Neal Long is their daughter Word?

Yeah, Neo Long There's a young Will Smith in it as well That plays Nealong's like friend or dude I don't know Friend, no friend And then yeah So then she finds out that she's trying to find her dad and then finds the records and sees it's Ted

Danson Ted Denson. He knows this like used car company and he's like a, you know, a womanizer and a drunk and a mess. And then she comes up to him and like says that she's his daughter and he's just like, what? Like, and then of course, you know,

I'm surprised he didn't have more of a movie career because like, you know, he was one of the biggest stars of the 80s and 90s. And then he had, you know, three men and a baby. and I guess that one. And then it's pretty it was pretty much,

you know, he's a TV guy. Yeah, but you didn't, you didn't used to really be able to do that. Yeah, no, that was like,

one or the other. Yeah, you had to be one or the other. Yeah, you were either on TV or you were in movies and then like, you know,

that's why it was such a huge deal when like Bruce Willis and George Clooney, right, you know, successfully did it. He had made good money and then what he was just going to do

an episode of curb once a year or a couple times a year whenever, whenever he was starting doing Kirby because that's been 10 years of that too so it's oh i mean dude it's really kind of crazy like he's you know that and then becker wasn't like as big of a hit but it was a pretty huge hit but it was on for a long time for CBS and then the good place and then curbiour and food's like every single thing that he's done has been like like the good

place was like a cultural phenomenon when it came out you show rules oh it does rule cheers cheers Cheers is like, you know, arguably the greatest sitcom of all time. Like everything he's touched has been gold. And, dude, just because of cheers alone, depending on what his deal was, which I know it was great, that motherfucker ain't had to work since 1992. You know what I mean? So he can kind of do whatever he wants. But, yeah, no.

Him and Curb is including Blackface. Yeah. Oh, man. Blackface is a big thing in Florida? I was about to ask. you know anybody did black face back in the day yeah no i had a family member that went to like a Halloween party as miss clio but it was more brown than black i had a buddy do black face at school it was like a tanner you know it was like a tanner yeah Corey knows this sorry but uh my mama

pipped me up from kindergarten and blackface so that's what i got yeah so on purpose she was also no i haven't but i'm saying i'm about to try to start to start doing it on stage so I don't want to go into the whole thing but basically the broad strokes are it was an aunt jemima costume that's what they used to paint it on by the way oh yeah yeah broad strokes it was an aunt jamaama costume if i always remembered it as it was halloween you know and that was her hallowing costume again i'm five years old i didn't realize until years later i really i found this out the same time Corey and Drew found this out because my sister brought it up after a show at Zanis. My sister's telling this story. They'd never heard it before. They're both losing their minds.

And I said something about being Halloween. And my sister's like, it wasn't Halloween. And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, it wasn't Halloween. I was like, well, what the fuck? Why was she dressed up as Aunt Jemma? And I said, my mom worked as a waitress at our grandma's diner. And my sister goes, it was pancake day. Oh, wow. Yeah, that makes it. so much worse. Not that it was, you know,

great to begin with. Yeah, should do it for work? No, it makes it. And the fact, like, he created that job.

That's what I'm saying. Like, she created that job for, if it's their diner, you definitely didn't have to have. It was definitely, it was not a, like,

my mama cat, that was her mom that on the diner was not like telling her, hey, you know, it'd be great. I don't think,

like, my mama, she just, she wild. Went into business for herself. Yeah. Yeah, she was like,

this is a big good. you know, this really set off pancake date. Like, I'm going to get in the spirit of the occasion, but it means she was the only one in costume, right? She had to, like, procure the supplies to do that, which had to be hard because we were in a tiny town with no hobby library or anything. And also, once again, it wasn't Halloween. So she had to go through some, like, you know.

Two towns over to the only costume shop in a tri-state area. To get the materials, this is a breakfast shift, talking about at a country diner so she got up at like 3 a.m. probably. Oh no, she went the day before. She was preparing. This was a brilliant idea. Do it like to get up in the morning and do it. She had to be there by six. Like it was a major commitment is what I'm saying, which is not something I knew my mom could be generally into like committing to things or the rest of my childhood. But this, this she was into. But yeah, there's somewhere out there. Be more pancake day, Trey. Be more like pancake.

big day. But some, I have no idea where it is, but I know it exists because I could remember seeing it somewhere out there, there's a picture of my mom holding me, uh, as a five year old in full on black face. Well, again, it's like you say, it's more brown. It's like, uh, you know, like you said, Miss Cleo or whatever. It's not the, it's not the Ted Danson blackface. It's the Jimmy Kimmel Carlin blackface as Aunt Jemima. So yeah. I love that we have to explain. our levels of black face. Yeah, black face. Yeah, right. Different, different degrees of black face. Almost like there's a gradient. What a great June 10th episode. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fucking shit.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's, yeah, as we're recording this, it's June 10th. At least that occurred to us at some point. Let's take another break. We'll be right back. Fuck me. All right, and we're back. Yeah. Nothing like a little solidarity, guys.

A little solidarity to wrap us up. Not endorsing the blackface. No matter of fact, we were talking about how bad it was. Yeah, right. While laughing a lot about it, I'm not going to lie, but. Oh, man. There you go. Yeah, we're not depending blackface.

Just let everyone. No, that we're not defending Blackface. Well, good. I would hope at this point, they would have already picked up on that. Yeah. Well, what else is going on, guys? Yeah.

Where do we go from Blackface? Well, I'll circle back to roller coasters. Oh, yeah. Okay. Because you're a little like. Yeah, you just started asking me about this. Yeah, well, and, you know, and then we got diverted into,

DUI tips and stuff like that, which was fun and informative. But you're a, you're such a like, you know, you're such a like seeming, like you're a, you're a, you're a fun person. Like I could see you being into amusement parks. You said not amusement parts much, but roller coasters. So, I mean, the parks are cool. I just, I never, go to them often. Like, do you make it a point to go to these places or anything and shit like that? I did have like a season. class to six flags, the one out here, just because like I had already been to, you know, I grew up in Florida and Orlando. So it was like, theme parks were always available. But I got, I got spoiled to the point where I don't even really want to go to them unless I'm

going for free. But I did like going to like when I was in, I went to Carowans when I was in Charlotte. Like that's just outside. They had this cool. This was like, I was just randomly, I was on the road and I saw that they had like a twilight special where if you bought a ticket uh for 4 p.m because they were open to like seven or eight then you could it was only 20 bucks so and they had like 13 roller coasters so I got like five or six in um before the park closed and that shit was rad because then I was just like boom boom boom boom and there was less people because it's the you know right before the park closes so that's that's that's the way to do it I've just uh you know I'm a much more miserable bastard generally than you.

But I just can't. I'm also, I'm not good with patience, generally speaking. So like I mean, I enjoy roller coasters, but I've also always thought that they're like. The line is too much. It's way too much of a buildup and standing around not doing shit for not enough of a payoff for me. Because it's like 90 seconds or whatever, after standing in line for fucking, you know, whatever. Yeah, go to a poorer amusement park and then there will be no line. That's what I'm saying.

I did six roller coasters. Yeah. I did five or six roller coasters in a matter of like three hours, which is probably not good for your brain now that I'm thinking about it. But there was just way less lines, way less lines. I know that it doesn't, it doesn't, every now and then you hear about a roller coaster malfunctioning and sending a couple people into a goddamn tree. It doesn't happen.

I guess it doesn't happen that. Yeah, it doesn't happen that much, but it does happen enough to where I see it. And I'm just like, between that and the lines, this is just not worth it to me to do. Between the possibility of decapitation and the long line. And the long line. I mean, if we were zipping through it, I mean, whatever, I'll risk it. But, I mean, you don't even have to get decreputated. You don't want to wait for your death, I think, is what it is.

Ultimately, I don't want to sit. Like, we're all standing around waiting for our death, essentially, not to get too fucking. existential but the idea of waiting for an hour and a half just to have your head cut off seems rude. But I like, like I enjoy theme parks.

Like we went to Harry Potter World when I was out there and we only wrote, there's only like a couple rides and we rode the one but like, you know, just walking around and you know, watching everybody have fun and, you know, the gift shops and I like, I really like cotton candy.

I'm a huge cotton candy fan. I was going to bring up the phone. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to ask you all about like carnie foods. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Chicken on a stick. Oh, God.

Man. That deep fried fucking corn dog looking chicken some bit. If you guys can ever book yourselves, you should book yourselves in Minneapolis during the Minnesota State Fair because that was like, I mean, why the D. Why happened is I would book myself there during the fair every year because it's

the most fun. Like the rides are fun. All the food's crazy. They have like butter statues. all the livestock. The whole nine is it's great. They sell buckets of French fries. And I'm not talking about like a like a popcorn bucket full of French fries, you know?

Like a trough. They sell a trough of French fries. Do you play Rick Bronsonson's there when you're there? Is that the, I've done all of them. I've done the laugh camp one. I've done the House of Comedy and I've done Acme. Whoever will have me. Yeah.

Yeah, even I've heard, I've never been to it, but like I've heard of the Minnesota State Fair. I feel like it's one of the more famous ones and it's noted for all that. They got wild shit. Like if you had like any kind of crazy ass deep fried concoction, I mean the deep fried Oreos, they do like these deep fried spare ribs deep fried. I mean, they have these tiny little donuts that are fucking crazy good. Yeah, they have the corn. Do you want me to say them slower? They have, like, yeah, all of the funnel cakes, like, they have deep-fried twinkies.

They have, like, it's like anything. They deep-frile all of it. I'm pretty sure they had deep-fried butter at something. Yeah, I remember hearing about that. So I don't know how that way. I mean, probably guess you freeze the butter and then, like, flash-fried or something. So that's just, wow. Just like how you can make fried ice cream, same thing.

A funnel cake is just the batter that you would normally put on another thing, but just by self in strings with powdered sugar on it? I think funnel cake is closer to like if you put a bunch of funnel cake together, it'd be closer to like a donut consistent. Yeah, right.

Because I'm fucking love funnel. Yeah, it's just like a fried dough. You get that batter that's like, yeah, it's similar to. And they just have it like a squeeze tube. They haven't like a squeeze tube and they just do this like in the batter until it's straight. And it's hot.

with the powdered sugar. Oh, God damn it. I love final cake so much. It does hit. Where are you at on corn dogs? I, uh, yeah, they're, they're, they're, I mean, I grew up poor, right? So that's like, it's like, I have an affinity for it, even though it's trash. Like, you know.

For sure. You like any of the, the flavored ones? Like, I've had, like, uh, what? A chili cheese or a jalapeno cheddar corn dog? Oh, I probably, I probably would like a chate. I mean, I like a jalapeno cheddar sausage. of sorts. So that would probably hit for me, but I love dowsing it and mustard, though.

You know what I think would hit a lobster roll, but a corn dog? You know what I mean? Like you take a bunch of a deep-ri sandwich? You know what I'm saying? No, no, no. You take the lobster and you take the lobster that you would put in the lobster roll, but you put it on a skewer and then batter that. And so it's a lobster corn dog.

I've always thought that'd be great. Surely the God they do those at like Maine state fairs or some shit, right? Wouldn't you think? It'd be hard because the lobster meat would fall apart. Right. You're doing a lot to it. You're doing a lot too. I think it'd be easier with shrimp because shrimp holds together better.

That's true. You could do corn dog shrimp. Lobster does break apart. You'd have to like, you'd have to try to freeze it or something. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. I don't know.

I'm going to try that. I don't deep fry as much as I should. And by that, I mean, I never do. I don't have a deep fryer. Do you have a deep fryer? Yeah, I do. Yeah. And I've not used it one time, though.

Yeah. I had a deep frying. I mean, do you have an air fryer? You're probably air frying everything, right? Oh, yeah, I've definitely got an. Matter of fact, we're about to upgrade because I've worn it. I got like, when air friars first popped, I mean, I know they've been around for a while, but when they became trendy, we got one of like, you know, the first ones that they were

shoveling out. And I swear to God, I use that motherfucker three times a day, seven days a goddamn week. And I've just worn it out. So I'm about to, I'm upgrading to like a bigger one that I can put, more shit in because yeah dude air frying is a goddamn way to go man you want to make some of the best chicken wings you ever had in your life i'm telling you dude put them in air fryer unbelievable you know that that's just like it's just a convention oven and so like in the uk they people are like why are you guys freaking out about the thing we already have

all their all their ovens just are air friars yeah i figured that i figured that out when i was like we got an oven and our oven it was like and oh this one has one has an air fryer option on it. And all it is, is like they just, instead of calling it convection, they just called it air fryer because that's the new trend of thing. But I mean,

yeah, I've, I, when I bake a lot of stuff, like I, I usually use the convection setting, like when I make keesh and stuff, because I want to like hit,

hit all the way around. But yeah, but I still do like the little, you know, teeny tiny little air fryer. So I don't feel like I'm making a mess in the oven. So we'll just do this over here. We'll just do this over here.

But no, I fucking, we're not sponsored by them or nothing, but I do. I would suggest if you don't have one, York, York do that. Well,

on that stirring, that ringing product, you know, I'd grab that unsponsored product endorsement. I'd like to wrap up a couple of minutes early because I got to do this thing here too. But Carmen, it was great to have you and great to see you again. Gentlemen,

always lovely to see you. Yeah. Thank you very much. And again, tell everybody where they can find you and see you. Absolutely. Carmanorallis.com. Follow me at the funny Carmen.

And please watch my set on. on HBO Max. That's called Entrenos. And tonight, Trey Crowder will be in. Well, this is Tuesday, Columbus. I'm in Ohio this week. Yeah, I go to Treycrowder.com. I'll be in other places, other weeks.

Come and see me. Yeah. And as you all know, you can follow me at Corey Wrightsfor-you.com. And please subscribe. I'd love to have you. Thank you all for listening to the Well-Red Show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you've got nothing to do.

Thank you, God bless you. Good night and ski. Bye. Bye. Love you. What's up, y'all? Trade Corps here. Skoo, skate to date, we got us a new podcast on with Tray Lane.

Damn straight, it's called putting on ours. We talk about fancy shit, but in a dumb way. So if you like that, get on your phone calculator, type all the stuff in and like, subscribe. Tell all your friends, leave us a five-star review. We sure would appreciate you. Skid it, boy. Scoot!

Great, cut. My God, I feel like I'm totally capturing the mindset of the simpleton, but to what end? You are veritable scintiate parsum, as they have over there. You're doing fantastic. Thank you, old boy. Although I'm dying inside. Yes, of course. I do not need this.

I hope it goes well.