wellRED podcast - #34 - Bert Kreischer aka THE MACHINE! + Taking a Knee

Episode Date: September 27, 2017

This week we are honored to be joined by our good buddy Bert Kreischer aka THE MACHINE! We discuss the different ways to make it in comedy, The South's relationship with guns, and of course, all this Trump/NFL hullabaloo!Bert also holds the distinct honor of being the man who convinced us to start the wellRED podcast... so tweet him a thanks at @bertkreischer For tour dates, his podcast, and all things Bert go to bertbertbert.com For our tour dates go to wellREDcomedy.com Also, we now have additional content on Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/wellREDpodcast Love y'all like Chicken! SKEEEEEWWW!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app

that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture,

including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different

language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app,

lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money. What was that in response to?

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast they're the hey everybody what's up it's the show did you know that we are on patreon now we sure are

go over there and you can get additional content by subscribing there are different levels of sponsorship pick the one you like and uh we'll do some some cool shit for you. Also, did you know that, yes, I had to come plug this into the podcast later because I'm an idiot. Love you. Bye. Thank you. What's up, everybody?

It's your boy, the show tour updates here tonight. We're in Los Angeles at Largo. Tomorrow night, September 28th, San Diego, October 7th, Memphis, October 8th, Knoxville. And we got Knoxville again the next night. Then we're on to Iowa City, Iowa, Lincoln, Nebraska, Springfield, Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa, Seattle, Washington, Eugene, Oregon, a whole bunch of stuff. You can grab all these at, of course, well-readcom, W-E-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com, spelled just like the podcast. A lot of shows are selling out, so grab them quick. We have added shows in multiple cities.

And thank you guys so much. This so far, we're in a couple weeks into the new tour, and it's been absolutely insane. We've also got dates in Philadelphia. Washington, D.C., New York, New York, Raleigh, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, Greensboro, North Carolina, Denver, Colorado, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Nashville, Tennessee, Orlando, Florida, Clearwater, Florida, Atlanta, Georgia, Birmingham, Alabama, Portland, Oregon, and Asheville, North Carolina, with a whole bunch that we still have not even announced yet. Texas, we're coming, I promise. So subscribe to our newsletter on well-readcomedy.com.

Also, go grab our book, if you have it, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie Out of the Dark. next month in October it actually comes out on paperback we've got a brand new design and a brand new forward to the book so a lot of exciting stuff thank you guys so much we love you enjoy this episode with the one the only bert crasher aka the machine love you so much and skew well well well it was gross to me for some reason was sparkling water are we on is that what you're telling me it's a great way to uh to uh to quit drinking is sparkling water. So yeah, like, uh, and a few run-ins I've had with not drinking. I've, uh, I met that guy once. I was, uh, I always, um, I always try to make sure that I can, uh, like that I, because I like having drinks. I like the actual act of imbibing.

Yeah. I know, I know exactly what. Anytime I have a run in with not drinking. Yeah. I have, I'm the same way. I'll get either like a soda water with lime or even, or a tonic. water with lime or whatever or orange juice on the rocks or something that's like similar to a cocktail but isn't because it's same thing like you said it it's like i don't know it spills

i like sitting at a bar i like ordering a drink right i like i love diet coax i know they're fucking bad for you but i love diet coax how bad for you are they are they worse than cox i'll tell you this my buddy my buddy uh has a problem with a small esophagus so meat gets caught in there often. So he'll be eating dinner. And if he doesn't chew it well enough, it gets trapped in his esophagus and he starts to choke. But he can breathe, but he can't get food through there. So water builds up.

It's like he's being waterboarded. Holy God. And he was like, God. Yeah, shit. Dude, it is, it is exhausting to go to a steakhouse with him. Because you, just eating like we had a burger the other day. We were in Australia. And he was like, he was like, he was like, and I watched him.

And I go, was it happening? He's like, it is happening. It's going to be fine. It's got to be fine, and he's got to work it through. He went online, and he was in, I guess, in Minneapolis, and he had gotten a piece of pork chop stuck in there, and he was like, I guess I got to go. It's been eight hours that it's stuck in there. I got to go to the hospital.

And he went online, and someone said, just to have a sip of Diet Coke, it'll go right down. So he went, and he doesn't drink Diet Coke ever. Got a Diet Coke, drank it, and it went right down, and he was like, that can't be good for Diet Coke. Oh, shit. Because the Coke starts destroying the meat so quickly that it breaks it down. Oh, interesting. It's like acidic or whatever.

Well, you said he's got to work through it. Do you mean, like, he just has to wait around and just hope that it, I mean, other than the diet coat. It's just like stuff like this. Right. Yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah. Dude, it gives, I've had, I've had big. I, obviously, I live life.

My therapist said I live life with an exclamation point. Yeah. I take big bites of everything. Yeah. I don't, I eat fast. I drink fast. I probably die young. But, uh, but I had, um, I had a big.

bite a steak one time, like a ridiculous bite of steak. And it wasn't like a super nice piece of meat. So there was no chewing it. And I had, I had it going down my throat so slow. And I was like, this is what choking feels like. And then finally it got down. And I felt like I had been raped. And my throat was like, I don't feel cool with that steak.

What it did to me. I regret it. I understand that we went to its apartment consensually. But the way it handled me was not cool. I've been there with noodles And it sucked Noodles? Yeah, like,

it's like I could breathe But like, Nothing about him makes sense, Bart? Yeah. I love this. By the way, are you saying

That sometimes you've had noodles Start going down your throat But they're also in your mouth That's what you've been there too? Yeah, Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, They're like sticking out his mouth

But they're also halfway to his stomach And I'm sitting there Breathing and the noodle It's like going Brut Bite it in half You can, But that you can't,

I mean, your teeth don't go off, it's still kind of hanging out your throat reach back there and grab it. And you have to spin it back up into your mouth. I've done that with me, like a piece of gristle between two pieces of meat. Right.

And I had to jerk it out. Yeah. I did it with a with, um, there was a, we went to this restaurant and they had casso dip, but it was, it wasn't necessarily case. So it was more like fondue. Like, but it wasn't even fondue. It was still very, very thick. They, they did what they do out here?

I went to a place out here. And I, I don't know if this is my accent or what, but I ordered this caseo fundido. they had and the guy was like, you know it's not liquid, right? It's like baked or whatever. It's like, okay, well, that's fine, but then it comes out and it's, I mean, it's, it's not a dip at all. I cut it with a knife. You have to.

And I start chewing it. I start chewing it. And it starts and I start swallowing. I'm still like, whoa, whoa, I'm still like 75% chewing left to do in the mouth. Yeah. I've already got 25% of it down my throat and I started panicking and I'm at a table with everyone. You ready to hear of the worst? This is the worst. The worst. I'm in a meeting with Travel Channel.

I had just gotten a sitcom greenlit, so everyone's excited, and they all decide to buy a round of drinks. It's a noon meeting, and whoever's running the meeting, their name is Karen, was like, you know what, let's celebrate. Let's all get a cocktail. And I was like, great. And so I'm feeling it. So I go, yeah. And then I go, can I get a, I'm going to take the Caesar salad. He goes, comes with anchovies.

I go, I love anchovies. I'm living life. Yeah. First bite, I take a big bite of anchovy. and an anchovy bone gets stuck in the middle of my throat and I can hear it humming like a bow just as I breathe and I'm like and I'm fucking freaking out yeah I'm literally like oh my God so I start eating bread not helping I'm like trying to clear my throat not helping I go to the

bathroom I murder my drink thinking anxiety's kicking in I go into the bathroom and I take toilet paper on my finger and I start scraping the back of my throat trying to get it out. I am trying to throw up. I'm like gagging myself. In the stall just, and is like maybe five minutes into doing this, I hear the toilet next to me flush and a guy gets up and leaves and I'm like, oh my God. Thinks you're bulimic?

Yeah, I'm fucking eating and bulimic. But man, that was the scariest one I've ever had. How'd you get it out? Yeah, what happened? I think, I just started, I just said calm down and just, I said, the more I eat, something's going to grab this and take down. So I ate like a wolf. And it worked.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ultimately, yeah. Now, you could breathe. I could breathe. But it's just like there was the anxiety of feeling that in there or whatever. Oh, yeah, just humming like a bow. As I breathe, I could feel like go. I told a story in the podcast recently, so I won't tell it again.

But the short of it is I got temporary braces because my teeth got messed up. And my mouth was numb. And I was tongue in the temporary braces up into my gums. and when the light of cane wore off, I started sweating and feeling so uncomfortable. It was like that feeling of something's inside me in a way that it's not supposed to be. It was quite a day. I took a bunch of pain pills and got drunk and cut those motherfuckers out with a set of wire pliers.

The first day I got, I have all fake teeth. Me and Drew were just talking about that. Drew was like, so tell me about these fake teeth. And I was like, buddy, I don't know yet. I just know they exist. It's a combination. I got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat when I was a little. and they knocked out 2016.

Playing the sport, or you popped off and said some shit. My dad, he just says, he was a quick temper. No. No, I was playing,

I was a catcher. Pass ball. I block it. It's my birthday, by the way. I block it. Well, kids swings,

and then to break up the play, he swings the bat back to try to, I don't know, whatever, hits me directly in the mouth. Wait, to do what?

To hit you in the face? Well, I guess, I mean, I'm sure he thought, I'll hit him in the chat. I don't know what he thought. You know, it might have been just some fucking idiot kid who doesn't have a good swing.

Yeah. And just. Right. You just. So, so I got to, reminds me to tell you something after this. So,

okay. So anyway, I block it. I throw it down the third. And the kid swings the backpack, knocks my teeth out. My teeth are on home plate. It's my birthday.

You made to throw? I made to throw. My man. Do the kid out. Fuck yeah. Do the kid out. and and uh and uh and so i have i have and then i also i've got a bunch of accidents since once you have teeth problems i think that just follows you the rest of your life yeah and so i've got

i've got 26 crowns veneers bondings like just all the different things you get out in your mouth posts uh i have uh like implants and um i don't know what why i was talking about this we have been talking about getting chut he was talking about he was talking about his braces out of his own mouth So the first, you cut him out of your mouth? Temporary, Bryson, but yeah, he was all peels. With a set of wire. Like I said, I told the story literally two weeks ago on the podcast. I'll tell the full one for you when we're done here.

And so I get in ninth grade, I'm going to ninth grade. I'm into chicks. And I realize I want to step up my teeth game. Like, at the time, I think all they had replaced was like eight teeth or like 10 teeth. And then left the back ones and left everything. is just look bad. I can still use them. They just looked bad.

They were gypped and whatever. And so they put, they're gone now because they replaced them, but they put my two canines in, like the vampire teeth. Yeah. And they made them long as shit. If you look at pictures of me,

they're long as shit. And I, I'm paying pills. I'm like, it feels weird, fears weird. And then I, I'm in ninth grade and I get up

in the middle of night and I go and look at them. And I fucking lost it. And I almost ripped them out of my head. And my dad walked in and he's like, what the fuck you're doing? I'm going, and my dad's like, calm down. It just feels weird today. It'll get better. Yeah.

And so I went, but this is before anyone knew about anxiety. So I went into bed and then just fucking panicked all night. And then the next day is the first thing. Of course, you know, all boys Catholic high school. Yo, yo, go, go, Caldracula. It's up with your fucking team. Right, right. Well, that's literally what happened to me, but I was 26 and there was no dad around.

So I cut those motherfuckers out. Ripped them out with pliers. I had to call the Dennis office. the next day and canceled my appointment. That lady, she was like, those aren't permanent. You got to get them out. I was like,

I already cut them out. Just silence on the other end for like five seconds. You cut them out yourself. I'm sure I sounded so redneck. He's in Boston, you know, talking to a Boston lady who works at a doctor's office with that accent. I was like,

no, I cut them out already. It was just like, you know, fully confirming her whole deal. I cut him out. I had a, that episode he's talking about,

We talked a lot about our teeth and how they're all fucked up and, you know, true like hillbilly fashion. And addendum to that, I was at the hospital this morning having a CT scan done on my sinuses just to see. I got sinus deal, nothing like serious. But when it was over, she goes, so no feelings, huh? And I was like, yeah, totally. Yeah, I knew that. I had no idea whether I did or did not. Like if she'd asked me before that, I would have to be like, I don't know.

I don't know. But apparently, no fillings. So I don't know if that's... But she said it like... That means you've never had a cavity? Well, she said... That means he's never had a cavity taken care of. But she followed it up.

He could absolutely just be riddled with cavity. Can you see cavities on CTs? Because she followed it up with... There'd be holes, yeah. She followed it up with no feelings, huh? Just perfect teeth. That's what she said. And they're not...

Unless they're real tiny. Yeah, they'd show up because you'd have a hole. No, you definitely see steel in your mouth. And they'd fill it with like... No, no, I'm talking about cavities. But it wouldn't be hurt. No, you wouldn't see cavities. Wouldn't it be a whole?

On a CT scan? On a CT scan, you wouldn't see cavities. She said no cavities. I don't know what a CT scan is. She said no feelings. Either perfect or healthy teeth, one is what she said. And you should have said, no, poverty. Well, so you know what I'm going to do.

Just like the time before, I'm going to take that. And I have already interpreted that to mean, I don't need a dentist. I'm fine. T. You have an extra tooth. You need a dentist really badly. What do you have an extra tooth? oh yeah don't look at it too honestly you'll turn to stone

he just show up like he should be down this the one right under it that's a baby tooth that never came out and I didn't even know it yeah buddy just just just just poverty shit I know yeah see this is how white trash tray is he just has so many babies he's even got baby teeth yeah he had a baby tooth that never came you know Ila that was happening to Ila yeah and we were just like yo we're pulling that shit out right yeah because you are responsible adult parents Yeah, but I didn't handle it responsibly.

I said, look, grab onto it tight, okay? And she did, and then I went, boo! And she went, and got scared, and jarred it really loose. And I was like, all right, now we're taking it out. No, I found it out when I was like 19 or 20, something like that. Like, I had just, I actually had two. Both my canines, the baby teeth had never come out. One of them did, and that one came down the way it's supposed to, but the other one just like never come out, came out, and I just never went in front of it.

It was my white trash. At the time, also, I had no kind of insurance at all and no money and whatnot, so I just never fucked with it. And it's been that way since my early 20s. And also, I think I knew you like over a year before I ever even noticed it. So it wasn't like it was a thing. You know, you don't, whatever. He doesn't smile much. No.

When I do, you know. I have four, I have eight, I have eight of my original teeth in my mouth. I was also born with no enamel on my teeth. And I think I'm having a cat. in between two teeth. I think one of them, I cracked a tooth, and I think food got in there for like a month, and I never really took care of it. Yeah.

And now I have this one, I have to travel with a water pick and a water pick my tooth. But I remember there's certain people in this world, like Daniel Tosh is one of them, where the, sugar is too, where they say the thing on their mind, even if it may hurt your feelings. They just say it. Yeah. Drew's got that a little bit. And it's like waiting for one of you to say that on that one. Yeah.

I would never say, I learned it, not to say that Daniel and Tom have a personality disorder, but I heard about this personality disorder where there's like, I'm butchering psychology, but there's a. That's how you, me and you have the personality disorder where we do that all the time. Yeah. Yeah. There's a type of person, like say you get a new car. There's three types of people. There's, I think.

there's someone who says, say you get a really nice car, there's somebody who goes, fuck, I'll never get that. I'll never get that internally. Then there's someone who goes, oh, good for them. And then there's someone that goes,

why do you get the cheap seats? Tosh and Sagar are in between two of those where they say, they don't mean, they don't want anything that you have, but they can't help themselves from saying something. So Tosh and I are in a pool one day,

and he goes, what's wrong with your back to eat? and I go, huh? Like, someone would just think that. Yeah. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, your back teeth look like, they're gross. And I was like, yeah.

I was like, yeah, they are. Yeah, no, Drew. I really wish you could remember the name of that specific personality disorder, whatever you said it was, because, yeah, Drew B, Drew's that guy in this group. I think it's being kind of a dick. It kind of is. Like, like, Segris said to me one time, he goes, like, I have one tooth that got, that it was a bonding and it came out.

And then I think I went to a doctor and just said, hey, just fucking glue it on. Because I had something to do. And I was like, I don't need it to look perfect. I just needed to look like I have a tooth. And so we did, but that tooth gets browner quicker because it's no longer, it's no longer the bonding it was. Right.

And I smoke cigars and drink coffee. So it's browner that's like right here. And cigar one day we're talking, he goes, hey, why don't you just get your teeth fixed, man? You have money. And I go, what, are we calling out flaws right? now? Yeah.

Like, we're just sitting here talking. And I go, I don't know. And he goes, I mean, I'm just saying. Like, give money. Why don't you just get them fixed? And I was like, that feels different than your teeth are gross comment. It is different, but it's, I, I felt identical in both of them. I was like, just insulted and shameful.

So you have a personality disorder. Yeah. My personality of disorder is, I don't, I'm the middle guy. I don't care. Like, I am certain. I am certain. And I'm sure you're certain of this. that someone looks at your schedule and goes,

what the fuck? Why them? Buddy, yes. We know, I mean, I hear sometimes secondhand about that, that yes,

that happens a lot. Not friends, but like, you know, people that we laughed with, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

People say that about, said that about me when I was a young comic, I was like 30 years old, and I was headlining and people would be like, yo, why are you headlining?

Mm-hmm. And you're like, I was like, I never said that about like Bobby Lee, who I think was younger than me. Like, I never said that about like, I never, I don't look at life that way. I don't look at it is it's a race that I don't think, I don't think we're all in the same foot race. Right. I don't see there a race at all. To be honest with you, if, if there is a race, it is timed independently on a track independently.

Yeah. You just got to run as fast as you can. Right. I totally agree. Did I not say to you on the way over here? here like it's wild you brought that up because i was wanting to kind of talk about some of that with you because for the reason you said like i think i've heard you mentioned before that you had you know had that kind of thing like early on with certain people or whatever and it's like

i just i don't know it doesn't it only has ever bothered me whenever i've heard that it's somebody like drew says like that i thought that i was cool with that i had known or whatever and then uh but like you know my objective reaction of that is like, well, you know, can't do nothing about that, whatever. We'll just keep doing our thing and it'll work itself out. But, I mean, you know, I'd be lying if I said it didn't, like, kind of bother me at times, you know. But there's like a level of that or having those thoughts where you go, oh, I had a petty thought. And then there's like thinking that those thoughts are justified and that you should share them with other people.

And going back to what you're saying about Tom, I know he's your buddy, I assume you think he's a good person. I love Tom. I believe I'm a good person, but I'm not always nice. And like, so like, Tom's not always nice. You see what I'm saying? And so, and there is a difference. You're making them happy right now.

Very happy. But like the thing with, with folks, I know there are comics who work their ass off who look at what's going on with us and they're jealous. And they might not be able to help that. That jealousy is organic. You can help whether you turn that emotion into actions and talking shit about people and getting bitter. And that's where I go, you're not being a good person now. You weren't being nice earlier, but now you're just being shitty. But I'll tell you what, to be fair, I think I started, if there is a similarity, I started like you guys.

From out of nowhere, doing great. But in my experience, in my doing great, it was Hollywood. So I went from Door Guy to fucking TV show. Door guy to deal with Will Smith, TV show, deal with CBS, TV show. And there was just hatred across the board for me. I had very few friends. Gary Goldman was my friend. Gary Goldman, I think.

I was friends with, I was friends with meaning, and when I say friends with, if I saw them in a club, I could, and I would even say I've always been really good friends with Bobby Kelly. Even Bobby would admit that there were times where he was like, why you? I don't think, I'm not saying that Bobby, Was jealous or catty? But Patrice, I was friends with Patrice. I was friends with Voss.

Did I never, like, I was, I would say genuine friends with Patrice. But Patrice has got that same fucking vibe, Tosh and. Right. Sugara have where he would just say, he told me some real honest shit one time where he was like, he was like, I feel bad for you. Like we were in, we were in Scotland. We were living together for like a month. And I got a deal at CBS and I got a TV show.

And I said, I'm going back to L.A. I'm moving back to L. I'm moving to L.A. I was a living in New York time. I go moving L.A. I got a TV show. And I thought he would say congratulations. I literally thought,

here's where he says, congratulations, that's awesome. I'm really proud of you or whatever. And he goes, I feel bad for you. And I said, why? And he goes, because you don't know anything. He goes, you don't know anything about the business. And you're getting put in a situation

that's probably going to go away. And when it goes away, you got to realize you're going back to nothing. And I went, what? He's like, you're just a door guy. I was a door guy. the time. I was still a door guy. After I got my deal, my first deal, I moved out to LA for seven months, party balls, came home. And I thought I'd just get regular spots at the club. I went right

back to Door Guy. I had a deal. I had fucking six figures in the bank. I went back to the door guy to get my fucking spots. My manager owned the fucking club, but he liked the idea that even his door guy. This is, I love you, Barry, you know that. Maybe I'm wrong in assessing this. But I think he liked the idea that he was such a great manager. that he could get door guys deals. That was a more compliment on him. I like the idea that Barry's going to listen to this. He's not.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, there's our podcast. Barry will. Barry is like, body I hear every time they talk shit about me. Do you think Patrice said that from a place of bitterness and jealousy or like genuine care about his friend who he's going to see this happen to him? No, no, no.

It wasn't, it was bitterness and jealousy with a hint of mentor. Like, Patrice and I became... That's what I meant. But when I say a hint, the subtlest fucking... Fair enough. Like, if my plane had crashed flying back to L.A., I think there would have been a part of Patrice that was like... Shit is.

But you guys... I mean, like, I always say this. No one really... The people that knew Patrice, new Patrice, and there's... The stories you hear about Patrice are... It's a very different... Or when you heard him on radio,

that's a very different guy than who he was. I'm not shitting on him. I would never do that. But there was... There was an honesty to him that was very valuable. A bully-esque, there's a bully part of him that was very valuable that is gone in these days in society. He said to me, he goes, your deal's going to go away. You probably won't make a sitcom.

And he goes, and maybe the TV show goes, maybe it doesn't. He was like, I don't know. I've never heard of FX. And he was like, but he was when they go away, you got to start back from the ground. And I was like, I was like, well, I mean, I'm going to have a lot of money. yeah, great, but what do you have? What foundation do you have? He goes, listen, I don't have any money,

but I got a foundation they can't take away from me. I remember hearing this so clearly going like, he's jealous, he's just jealous. Shut up, you respect him, leave, you'll see him later. We ended up keeping in touch because of that conversation randomly. He called me one time. Long story, called me a couple times. I went out to saw him taping of his special in Showtime.

We kept in touch. And then all my shows went away. And Patrice's words were from his mouth to God's ears. I had fucking nothing. I was sitting in Pan Pacific Park talking to my manager, Vincent Nastry. I had a half a million dollars in the bank. I didn't need money. I had a great car.

I had a great house. I didn't need a job. I didn't need anything. And I said, hey, you got to help me get spots. And my manager Vincent Nastry loved him to death, but he said, I'm not in the business to book Chuckle Huts. I'm in the business to make movie stars. If you don't want to be a movie star

Then I don't know what the fuck to do with you I'm not getting you a spot And then I was like Okay my business I'm in the business of comedy That's all I ever wanted to be was a comic I didn't know that TV worked also Right

And so I got I got Matt Frost Got Aaron to let me Aaron at the improv To let me host for Drew Carey's on Wednesday nights And from there I started hosting

And man I had tons of money And I had people My wife's best friend said to me one time I invited them to come see me work, and I was hosting. And she said at the valet car, she goes, next time you do stand-up, call us, we don't want to see you host. And I was like, I did do stand-up. I did 10 minutes up front.

That was my time. That's all I could get. But it was like such a, there was such a condescending. And there was a joy, a real Chadenfreude, and everyone. And I won't say people's names because some of them are my friends now, but there was a real joy in watching me start at the beginning after having been on TV and been this like golden child. Right. And I started working the road.

I got hooked up with Jay Moore. He was gracious enough to put me on all his tour dates. And I started working with him from there. I mean, you're talking about my daughter was born. George was a month away from being born. And my business manager called me and said, you're broke. And I worked her whole first year of her life making $700 on the road, paying for my flights, paying for my hotel, and opening for everyone. That's when I, the second week of that was when I worked with Tosh.

And he goes, what's wrong with your teeth? And so I worked like that That's even worse now. Oh, dude, I can't tell you. But that foundation thing was the key. Right. I didn't have foundation. I remember when I did last comic standing and I put, I used to put all my eggs and baskets.

I go, this is my fucking break. And during that time, having come from the gifted child who got everything he wanted first right out the bat, I went to the other side of going like, why him? Right. And then you start getting older and you're like, wait, what the fuck? Like, I'm really like, how come him? You know, but I think you guys haven't had an opportunity to see it from the other side. It's a very natural, it's a very, very natural feeling because we're in a job where your dreams are attached to it.

Yeah. So like, it's like, it's hard to quantify. but like Dude Had I not gone through all that Tom and I Tom and I Tom and I started working

with Jay Moore like 15 years ago maybe 15 years ago 14 years ago Had that not Tom was the host I was the feature I mean it was set up Whenever we worked together

Tom was first I was second Every time And then one day Tom just leapfrogged me in a massive fucking way where I was like I remember I remember saying it was when I said

Hey are you doing Philly And he said yeah I said you should do Preston and Steve And he was like I don't think so I said no they're really great And he goes Well my shows are already sold out

And I go Oh are you there next week And he goes No I'm there in two months And I was like Huh I go your shows are sold out already And he was like yeah

Yours aren't And I was like I don't even know And by the fact that I don't By the nature of the fact That I don't know The answer is no They're not

And so I was like, hold on, you shows are sold out? And then he's like, yeah, all my shows are sold out. D.C. sold out. Philly sold out. And I was like, whoa. And he was like, yeah, I think I'm making the leap to theaters next year. And I was like, hold on. And I was like, I remember sitting there.

And by the way, I had a TV show at the time. Very natural instinct would be jealous. But having gone through what you guys are at right now and being on the other side. And then going back to the other side where people were like jealous again, you go, oh, I just need to sell. celebrate him. Right. When R. I remember R.

he slipped up one time and said how much he made at a gig. And he was like, well, why would I do that when I can make $52,000? And I was like, huh? I was like, you're going to think, 50, where were you? Like, and, but another person will be jealous. But I look at my go, whoa, that's really cool. So I'm empathetic with the people that are jealous of you. However, I'm more empathetic of where you guys stand.

Because you guys came, you guys were outliers. You didn't do the natural, you didn't park cars at the store to get your way up. You said, let's use this medium that no one in LA is fucking with. Where the people that are fucking with aren't doing stand-up. I don't think the majority of them are doing stand-up. So, all right. I did park cars at the comedy catch whenever there was a big act, but not all the time. I started there for the deal hugely.

One time, this is the shittiest I've ever felt in my life. I was at the comedy catch. It was probably like, six or seven years ago. I was going balled but hadn't accepted it yet. So I just had like the fucking strings hanging down, you know. And I was fatter than I am now, which is already fat. And I'm parking D.O. He was hard. He's late.

And so I'm out there and I've got the flashlight. And I'm just like, I'm about to meet D.O. Huglin. He gets out of the car. Smoke just rolls the fuck out. And I'm sitting there with a flashlight. He walks up. He's on his cell phone and he has a cigar. and he's got his sunglasses on.

He passes me and I'm just, I look how I just said that I looked, but I'm also sweating. And he, on the phone, he stops. He goes, hold on just a second. Puts his phone down, looks at me, takes his glasses off, and he goes, God damn, you look dapper as a motherfucker, don't you? And then just, like, walk on. I was like, God damn, and I got to get my life together. I was going to say, because you ended on this note,

I was, like, I always try to be clear. And I do mean this, at least objectively, like, you know, I mentioned earlier, the only time that that shit bothers me is when it's somebody that I thought that I was cool with or that I have known from like before. And that's only happened a couple of times. Those are the ones that those are the ones that do it the worst. Right. But when it's other people that I don't know, because of that last thing you said, which is like, so far as I'm aware, yeah, almost all of like internet people or internet comedians or YouTube comedians or whatever either don't do stand up or didn't until that happened and then like started.

and so and that's not the case with me. I've been, I've been doing stand up for six years when the videos went viral, but not out here in the South. And like, so I totally understand why a lot of people would just immediately assume that about me or whatever. Like I, you know, I get it.

Like I said, is it a thing that bothers me? Yeah, but I don't like hold it against people personally because I also am sympathetic to that. Like, I mean, you know, I get it, man. I understand why that kind of. of thing is out there.

Well, for me, you know, this is like the gift of my career setting to my left right now as it stands. And I was doing it the way that you're talking about. I'd been in New York for three years. I'd gotten past it, you know, the shitty clubs that you start at first. I won't say them by name. Comedy seller. Yeah.

And you start getting past it better ones. You know, I started getting spots here and there at the stand on like the house shows and all that stuff. and I was very much in love with the idea of the integrity of the process. Like I have bought into this notion that you go there, and it did make me better. There's some truth to that. Like, I was grinding it out. I was barking in the village.

I barked at Louie one night, and I made him chuckle because I told him to get on the fucking sidewalk like a human if he won't come to my comedy show. But, like, I was doing all that, and I was romanticizing the shit out of it. And when I left, Tennessee, I told him. I said, you're the funniest person I know you're never going to make it. Yeah. Until you leave. You've got to figure it out. You've got to figure it out.

That box of a comedy club? Yeah. Yeah. It's not even there. That I got fired from and now doesn't even exist. I did the very last show there at Roseville. I like that room. Someone was talking about buying it the other day.

Did they tear it down? No. No. Was it a good room? Yeah. I mean, if the room. Yeah. The shape of it?

Yes. Yes. The room of the room. The roof ceiling was good. It's a room was good. But I told him you're not going to make it or whatever. And then he did what he did and prove me wrong in such an huge way. And so I have an interesting perspective on what you're talking about because I,

I guess I always saw myself as being one of those people who's going to slug it out and go through it and all that stuff. And then this happened. And it's like, well, of course I'm not going to say no. Of course I'm not going to be like, no, dude, look, I can't, you know, like I got to do it the right where what the fuck ever. I look at it like my friends are draw. wants me to open for him. You know what I mean? Like that's...

Do it the right way is the thing every comic says. Right. And by the way, I'll say this about two guys that... Just one guy, because I know he's my friend and I know that he...

I think me and him talked about this. There were a lot of guys hating on Stevo. There are a lot of guys still hating on Stevo. Right. Because he didn't come from... He didn't work his way up the ranks.

Right. Listen, I will say this... I will say this, not about you guys, but about like, maybe like there is a there is a camaraderie a um a a a brotherhood that i share simply with the guys that work the door at the store because i worked the door at the boston comedy club and i worked my way up that that that's just a brotherhood that you have for like me and ari know that feeling of wanting it so

bad and having no opportunity other than to get a job there and have everyone look down at you But that's interesting you say that because I've been in New York as a guy who wanted to get the door job, and I was 10th in line for that. I'm looking at the door guy going, man, that dude's looking down on me. I want that fucking job. You know what I mean? And then it's like you get there, and then there's still another level of people looking down on you. The biggest mistake, and I'm not assuming, but I don't know what you guys are doing with this or not. the biggest mistake that the average

person who can sell a ticket who came back, came at it a sideways way. Like Stevo or Joe McHale or Tom Green or Colin Jost. Who's that? He hosts Weekend Update with Michael Chey. He was a head router Saturday, not live. And he sells tickets.

Oh, yeah, yeah. But did he not do stand up? Nope. Oh, really? I didn't know that shit. I didn't know he didn't know he didn't do stand-up either. I didn't know that. I don't know who he is.

So, yeah, how would I know that? But, uh... Yeah, well, like Mick Foley, who I... Yeah, Mick Foley, perfect example. Love that dude. As a rest. I've never seen his act or whatever, but... But the thing that, the one thing, and I, there was a guy that was out of New York.

I got it came out, got a big sitcom. And it was the big mistake I made. It was a note Patrice gave to me that I did not listen to was when you have all this heat going on in your life. Go get. passed it all the fucking clubs and make sure you're working all the fucking clubs so that when it goes away or when it lulls or when you decide to stop the road and do a project and you take a year off from the road that you have a home to go to. I never did that. When I came out

here, I never did that when I was on TV. I didn't clear my surpass of the improv. I didn't try to, I'd do a spot there, didn't pass the Laugh Factory, didn't try to pass at the store. And then when I started down to my foundation and I started working my way back up I my ego is too big to try to get past it anywhere because my ego was such that I was like I was like I'm on the road all we I'm like like I got a couple TV shows I'm not going to fucking work the door at the comedy I'm not going to park cars at the comedy store I had a TV show and I called uh I've said this a million times but probably no one I had a TV show at the time I had two kids we're about to have Ila we're about to have I had one kid.

I was headlining around the country, and I called to Steve Byrne and Ahmed Ahmed said, you need to work at the store. And Tommy at the store said, yeah, buddy, you gotta park cars first. I can get you a job parking cars. I was like,

I have a fucking TV show. You want me to park cars? You're out of your fucking mind. My ego was past it. So I was like, I guess I'll never work at the store. And I was cool with that. I got to defend you on that,

though. I'm not saying that dude should have passed you immediately. He's a fucking idiot. But like parking cars. Parking cars. He was like, you gotta hang out, man. You gotta hang out here. You gotta be here.

I gotta see you. I got to see you. And I was like, yeah, I'm not parking cars, bro. I have a TV show. I was like,

you're out of your fucking money. And I was like, I'm sorry. I made the wrong phone call. I hung up. And he called me back. And he goes, I'm sorry.

Who am I talking to? And I said, you're talking to Burke Kreiser, the guy who's never going to work at the store. And I was like, I apologize for wasting your time. And he's like, wait, wait, wait,

I said, look, I have a TV show. I'm a headlining comic. I tour the country. I apologize for wasting your time. I just simply talked to Steve Bernard and Ahmed, Brett Ernst, and Sebastian, and everyone was like, you need to work at the store. I literally thought it would be a parallel transition into, look, I didn't think I was going

to get the great spots, but a place I could start working out and hanging out with my friends. Didn't mean to waste your time and I hung up. Never called back. And then very recently, Adam, you get at the store, was like, dude, we want you working to the store. Now I work at the store. And I'll tell you, it's still my problem. I went by the improv the other night because I don't spend enough time there because all my friends were at the store.

So if I'm going to have the night out, I go to the store and fucking have my night out, do my, I can do three sets of the store as opposed to one over at the improv. So I just go, fuck it, I'll do three sets of the store. And that's my, but that's the biggest. This guy came out, got a sitcom, big sitcom. And I told him, I said, dude, I'm in it right now. I don't have spots anywhere. and I've been on TV for two years, you need to get in at these clubs.

And he's like, he was like, yeah, you know, I'm making a lot of money. I don't think I'm going to be doing spots. I, you know, and I was like, no, no, no, no. That is the biggest mistake, and he didn't do it. And that guy's career is not in a great place right now. Because he just can't get up. He can't get up because no one ever knew him.

And when he says his credit now, they're like, huh? But if you had said it then, if you'd say your credit then, they'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can go view right now and see what you're doing. Oh. But that's like that's I mean I have a lot of insights on mistakes. Holy shit.

I know that's right. But the thing that sucks about the road is like I paid my dues on the road. Right. Legit paid my dues on the road. Man, now that I'm at a place where I'm actually selling tickets, all those people I paid dues with are all gone. Dead or gotten fired or got married or decided to do something else for a living. So now you're coming in with people you've never even met. And you're like, why do they pay my fucking news?

Right. What the point is paying dues? Are you in D.C. this weekend? Yeah. The improv or they fucking love you there. Yeah. Every last time we were there, they were talking about how awesome. I don't know if you had just been there or were coming or if they were just saying, you know.

But anyway, you're one of their, one of their favorite. We love the hell out of that club. That's one of our favorites. It's a great club. They wanted to add, they wanted to add. Sunday shows, but I was in Australia and I was fucking falling apart in Australia. And I was like, I can't do it. I just can't do it because I'm doing sober October, starting October 1st until the end of the month.

And so I was like, I can't do it because I was October 1st. I don't want to do, I'd rather just get on a plane, fly home and start getting my life together. I have 19 days off. Like, my blood pressure was a little high. And I was like, I'm making it so that I'm a safe transition into stop drinking. I'm not going cold turkey and like parting my dick off in D.C. I will party a little bit. For sure.

But, my buddy, Colt Chastain, who's a big fan of yours, actually, this will transition while he wanted me to ask you how the diet was going. The diet? The diet and the sober octet.

Like, how are you prepping for the diet? The diet's fine. I've actually, you know, the weird thing that means I can maintain weight pretty easily. I can stay about like this. But I do have an ability to put weight on.

Uh-huh. Like, so as I put weight on, I maintain, I maintain 265 very well. Uh-huh. Like, I never got to, like, 300. Right.

But once I got it off, I've stayed this whole year. I've stayed at 220. Really? Which is where I was when we did the way ends with Tom. And that was a dehydrated 220. So I was probably 225. I'm about 220 now. Sober October.

You'll lose 12 pounds. Probably we're doing hot yoga every, like, 15 times, me, Rogan, Ari, and Tom. But here's the thing that was, There was a little eye-opening. First of all, you know, I was probably someone who, I love, I love folklore. I love spreading, like, so when I run into someone and they go, oh, you just did Well Reds podcast, how are those guys doing? I will tell the story about you bigger than, than you probably would say it about yourself. Sure.

But I enjoy that about life. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, like, I enjoy the, like, oh, those guys are fucking murdering it, dude. But this is true. They're on the road literally every day in October and in November. They're fucking selling out everywhere. Everywhere I've gone, I haven't had someone say they didn't sell out, and everyone says it's the best show they've ever seen.

Really? I'm sure. No, right? But that's how I talk about people. What's Rogan? Like, dude, he literally is, it's confusing because he's a friend and a mentor. He's one of the smartest guys you'll ever fucking meet. But even Rogan would be uncomfortable with me saying that.

He'd be like, yo, just fucking, he's good. He's cool. You know? What do you think about our? I love Ari. He's like a brother to me. Like I speak in hyperbole. I speak bigger than it is. I also live my life that way. So I didn't realize when this sober October thing started coming up.

How many people thought I drank from the second I woke up until the second I went to bed? Right. And, you know, it's like, it's like, you know, there are probably guys out there comics that were like, that are married, but that are studs. And you just imagine they definitely cheat on their wives. And I think people thought that with me with alcohol, like, he's drunk every. fucking night. No, by the way, I drink a lot, a lot

more than the average American, definitely. But I'm not like, I don't drink during the days, I work out. I will drink during the days. Like, I was just thinking when I said to you guys, do you guys want anything else to drink? I was just like, I hope I didn't make them feel like they need to drink. And then I was like, and then in my head I can't drink today because I'm doing,

I press all day. And then I was, and I'm trying to slowly transition into sober October. And I thought to myself, oh, I bet they feel that about me. I'm the only one they know who's like, hey, you guys want to get fucked up this morning? I think like, if I don't say let's get drunk this morning, no one usually does that. Well, in fairness, when we came over here. And when we came over here to do your, we brought a jar of moonshine. Yeah.

You know, you know, like we, that was us. That wasn't you. But we started that thing. I become the guy. Like, I, I, I didn't, I never realized the way people perceive me. Uh-huh. And I think people think I'm fucking hammered on stage nonstop. They think I'm just, I'm wasted, and that I don't write material, and that I, I'm just fucking, just go ahead to, I'm just lit.

I'm not lit. I love cocktails. Sure. I love cocktails. I love having, I love catching a morning buzz. You know what it is? You're honest about how much you love them. Yeah.

And so most people, they tamp down how much they love alcohol. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if they love alcohol seven out of ten, they act like, because they don't want to come across like a drunk, they're like, yeah, you know, I like it most of the time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Since you're honest, but most people assume that people hold back how they feel about alcohol.

And you say, I love, you just said it three times in a row. People go, that's a partyer right there. Yeah, he must be the biggest party you've ever seen. Whereas if you are drinking all day, you don't fucking tell people. You don't talk about that. If you actually, if you actually feel like you have a problem, you ain't saying. Yeah, you ain't saying shit. You don't brag about alcoholism.

And that's my other problem is that I got into stand-up going, there's only one way to do it. You'd be 100% honest. Right. That's it. And I talked to Jim Norton about this other day. I go, to a fault of mine, I shouldn't really, like, I should just keep a lot of shit to myself. Like, but like, like, I'll be very candid. I said this to Dr. Drew.

I had to do his podcast Sunday. And I go in and I'm like, uh, my buddy is a really big, uh, TV producer. just closed a very big deal and he might he might be one of the biggest TV producers in Hollywood right now and I grew up with him I grew up with him this guy I've known him since we were kids I knew him when he had a and when he had a fucking when he had a mullet like and he's like I'm I'm in L.A. till December let's party he's like I'm I'm I've no daddy duty on Sunday let's me and you get together and he's like because we're doing a project together and he's like let's talk

about the project let's figure it out and i was like great and he goes you want to watch a bucks game have a few cocktails i was like fuck yeah we got there me and him drink like we're two kids from florida fuck yeah and it's 10 the morning we're putting back titos and sodas i get it we both get you know sampling some vodka drinks yeah let's get a fucking bloody mary how's their bloody mary oh oh they fucked one up we'll take that we'll drink them and we're just having a good time i drink from 10 until noon with him i leave i come home i lift weights and then go to my daughter's softball game. Now, I'm sure that's, it's irresponsible parenting,

but I'm not fucking hammered. I'm not a problem. And I have a podcast to do it for with Drew. But you stop drinking at noon. That's, you deserve a medal. Yeah, and so stop drinking. Don't drink all day. Work out.

Go to my daughter's softball game. Watch a little bit. Take an Uber to Drew. I'm Ubering everywhere. I'm not driving anywhere. I'm driving my wife or whatever. She's driving. But take an Uber to Drew.

Do Drew's podcast. He could never tell that I'd been drinking. And then I tell him, yeah, I've been drinking. He goes, well, that's a problem. And I go, no, it's not. I just have a job where it is, it is part of the job description is, hey, let's try to, let's try to make a TV show. Let's go have a few drinks and talk about it. Right.

That's part. Right. Now, listen, if I had gotten drunk there and been like, missed your daughter softball game and said to my buddy, hey, let's see if we can get some Coke. That's my opinion, what a problem is. Right. Or if I had gotten drunk there and I'd been like, oh, shit, it's two. but I looked at him and I was like, it's new and I got to fucking leave.

Well, it's also, and this is very specific to comedians and maybe rock and roll stars, it's like living up to a persona that you might not even realize you've created for yourself. I didn't realize I created it.

And see, that's the biggest problem is that I idolized Chris Farley, John Belushi, um, uh, Kurt Cobain to an extent.

Um, Mitch Headberg. Greg Gerardo. Patrice, I idolize these larger-than-life personalities that Dave Attell was my hero. Right. But I also, because it fit into my lifestyle. Like, it fit into, like, what I liked. I liked drinking.

I liked a guy that felt like he didn't sign up to society's rules. I like the guy, like, I use this guy as an example, but, like, John Mullaney is a great comic. Had I not known that he had a problem with cocaine in college and couldn't stop listening to Steely Dan, I probably wouldn't like him. But now that I know him, I go, oh, I go, that's something I like about you, John. Like, that is cool as shit. And I'm glad you got it under control. But, like, I don't like the fucking, the tablet comedians who have their act on a tablet and swipe up and down and then recite stuff.

I want a guy who speaks from the heart, off from the hip, like just, and maybe with a cocktail in him or in his hand, like a Pete Correlli or, like, Brian Regan likes to get lit every now and that. Like, I love that. I had no clue what I was creating. And so when this contest started, the amount of people I got, number one, telling me I was going to die if I quit drinking, like I was going to literally die, I was a little shocked by. Really? So I was like, hold on.

They thought you were drunk all day every day. Yeah, they're like, you're always fucking hammered. You're always hammered. Now, by the way, there are portions of my life where, like, if I were like flying from Australia to L.A., I was drunk all day. Yeah. But, like, I don't like flying. Me either. Yeah.

We're so alike. And by the way, I don't mind performing Stone fucking sober. I did my last hour special, Stone Sober. I brought a beer up there with me just because I was like, in case I want to have a sip of a beer. Yeah, that don't count. But that's for the one thing that I really, you said that very perfectly, I didn't realize what people thought of me. Well, it's interesting because we are developing our own things to leave up to. His is similar to yours.

I'm currently going through this and I need help. I need to know how to not get it out of control because we have some fans that like, They call him the Cho. Yeah, and there's certain things that they expect of me or they'll, they'll, well, yeah, you would do. And I'm sitting there like, oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not that guy. Like, you know, I'm. Yeah. It even happens among us.

We'll go to eat and Trey will get mad at him if he doesn't, we have this thing we call it running. Like at about four, we eat a big meal three or four o'clock. If I don't engorge myself. And of course, he doesn't want to engorge himself. Trey's furious. He's like, man, what the, you ain't the Cho? Like, you eat the fun guy. You know what I mean?

I'm in a constant struggle. The show is similar to the machine, by the way, in a lot of ways. But it's one of those things where, like, you don't know what you're creating until all of a sudden people have told you what it is. And you're like, oh, I'm supposed to be doing that. Well, I want to have a salad. Well, I want to have a salad. I'll be like, I think I'm going to have a salad and maybe some sashimi or something. I'm trying to tell you, like, have a water today.

And he's like, you motherfucker. And I'm being sober all week with my goddamn kids. And then you show up. And I'm like, here he comes. Here's the guy. And you want to fucking do better this week. Go fuck yourself. And I'm like, well.

To me, to me, to a. lesser extent it's it's being kind of a dickhead it's being surly fans expect that for me and it's it's just it's my fault just like it's his fault but it's like i don't know how to get that under control and it happens among my friends too we're like i'll say something nice to cori and he'll be like i i know what you're doing and i'm like what are you talking about he's like you're setting me up i'm like whatever you know i talked to burr about it and burr's like you know there's part of the the whatever your stage persona i guess I think all of us grew up in a time where, you know, like Richard Lewis wasn't that bad as the way he was on stage.

Like that, ah, yeah, I want to walk. I, I'm a chew, or whatever he did. Whatever he did. That's it. Every punch fine. I'm a Jew. Yeah. I don't go on boats.

And so, like, he was a little bit of that, but he wasn't that bad. I feel bad for you, but I also wish we were hamburger right now when we were doing what you just did. Yeah. You're fun. That's the problem too, both of you. But there's a part of, like, I remember Bill was saying something about like, yeah, I really am angry. I do get frustrated at things.

I'm not that all the time, but that is a real part of my personality. And I was like, yeah, like, I love drinking and I love having a good time. And I live life with an exclamation point. And I'm big and I like, I love. There's no better feeling in my life than convincing people who don't want to get drunk to get drunk in the morning. That is one of my favorite things. ever because that's when you have the most fun it's the best buzz on earth it's the best there's no better in day everyone likes a happy hour but everyone that walks into a happy hour there's

half of those people are in a controlled i'm gonna have one drink and then i gotta get home i want to get up early and go to the gym when you drink in the morning all bets are off oh yeah the whole day i don't know what's going to happen today we might shoot an alligator you ever watch golf yeah so the british open was always a big deal to me because it was the, to me, ultimate, I can start drinking at 5 o'clock in the morning because that's when it starts. World Cup, man.

I like soccer just so I can day drink. But, yeah, the British Open would, like, some of them would tee off at 4.15, and they'd have it on ESPN. And I'd go to bed at 8 that night, get up at 4 and just, for what, start off of Bailey's and coffee because you're like, let's ease into this.

And then the next thing you know, it's lunch, you're fucked up. So he's outside on the phone, what we can talk about. I mean, you know, the thing Trey has to live up to is, is a little different. On the one hand, the stakes are higher because it's like people want him to politically line up with them or say things that they agree with. I'm so glad I don't have to do that.

And I'm not in your things easier to maintain. We can lie. I don't mind a shot of fireball. Right. I can always drink one of those. Here's the difference, though. Here's the only, like the flip side of that coin that is better than him is it's his thoughts that he's known for.

You know what I'm saying? It's a constructed thought that he put out there on the internet. If later on he has a different one that people disagree with, well, in a lot of ways, it is just being a comic. The pressure's higher right now because of the heat that he's getting and it's for a very specific thing. But like, for us, it's like personality traits. And that's stranger than political opinions.

It's easier in a lot of ways, but it's different. Well, we got into this going, I mean, I got into this. And I think you guys are of this same ilk generation, was that you share the truth on stage. You don't make up a persona. Right. You don't like, like, Andrew W.K. doesn't drink. Really?

Yeah. Well, that's upsetting. That's heartbreaking. Yeah. He's into, I think he's into like lifting weights and getting shit done. That's gross. Yeah. And you're like, and you're like, so that's, you created a character.

You go jump in your pool that don't have any water in it right now. You just broke my heart. I was like, I was like, I remember going, I was at radio and I was like, dude, this is my, I go, dude, you have a drink with me. And he was like, I don't drink. I went, I'm sorry. Because I mean, I will, but I'm not, not. I go, doesn't Budweiser sponsor you? Like, what the fuck?

Ugh, it made me sick to my stomach. And I was like, I was like, that, I never wanted to live the lie. So like, when I decided, when we decided to do this sober October, I'm like, yeah, I'm not drinking in October. Man, I had people, I won't say names, but I had people tell me that was a horrible idea that it would ruin my career. And I'm like, then let it. Okay. I'm going to be who the fuck I'm going to. like if you're telling me that me not drinking for one show in October at Chicago,

by the way, which is already almost sold out, that me not drinking for one show in October and a college, you're telling me that's going to ruin my career? I got really upset. I was like, I got really upset and like heartbroken that, so you're telling me that's all I am is a guy who gets fucking drunk?

Like, I mean, that's what I am. That's fine. Then let me stop writing comedy. Like, let me stop. doing anything. Like, I'm going to stop working. I'll just, just have Tito send them to my house, and I'll drink myself into an early grave.

I'll make as much money for my family as possible, and I'll just leave them with the nest egg. Like, but no, I'm a thoughtful guy who has ideas, who writes every fucking day, who gets up on stage seven times a week, six times a week, depending if I'm on doing the road or doing at home. I was like, it's more that, ugh. And then I was like, wait, what, like, so wait. so is Amy Schumer just a whore? Is that that's all she is to you?

Right. Is that what we're going to whittle it down to? Amy Schumer's a horror. Ari's a Jew. Fucking. Tom's a fart. Like, like, you were being so serious.

Tom is farts. I was like, he was fat. I was going to say he's fat, but he does fart a lot and he does talk about farting a lot. He's talking about shitting nonstop. So you're like, and Bill's just angry.

Yeah. You think, you said, and he was just a fucking stop. God. Right. Do you think you said, you know, we're of that ilk of wanting to tell the truth. Do you think, did you say that because you think there's maybe a newer generation of comics

or just a different type of comic who wants to lean into one persona or thing? And that way they can bounce off that for the rest of their life? No, I think a number of things are happening. I think a little bit is, I think younger comics are so, like, I grew up in a time where you could say faggot on stage a lot. and I said it a lot. And you could say the N-word if you wanted to, and you wouldn't get in trouble. You wouldn't lose your job.

Yeah. I have a great joke with the N-word in it. A great, great joke. Like maybe one of those, by the way, it's a story. I had nothing to do with it. I'm not in the story. I'm not even the one that says it. But it was so fucking brilliant that I go,

it is a shame not to share that. I've been in comedy 18, 19 years. I've never heard anyone tell a story similar to this story. I won't say it because it's just like you don't want to be on that side of history. But I could say it back in the day, I'd say it. Now there's a style of comedy that I think is coming out where it's like they don't want to talk about things that are, they don't want to talk about things that will get them in trouble. They want to either, a lot of act outs, a lot of like people wanting to be like just, they saw Sebastian get successful with being very animated. and so they're just following Sebastian.

And then a lot of people that aren't really saying anything on stage. So when you hear someone like Bill Burr or Rogan or Atel, you know, Atel's like, I'm retiring for comedy because I'm tired of the fucking political correctness. He's like, I'm just tired of it. He goes, it's ruining comedy. A tell has jokes that are so bad that they would, they would, if they, here's the point. It's like, do you hear with that, uh, that,

that chief of fire captain in Pittsburgh said about, uh, about, uh, about, uh, Mike Tomlinson. He said, well,

because the Steelers didn't come out. Steelers didn't come out of thing. And that's put that on their coach. We'll add Mike Tomlinson to the list of bad end words, or no good N words. But he said it. But he said it. He said, by the way. Well, even if he didn't. His last, it was on Facebook. His last thing was, I just said. And then now he's like, he's like, I regret what I said. Yeah, because they fire him. like, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. You taught that. I've never, I've never thought the N word in a, like, I thought, I thought it. I've sang it. I said the other day. Oh, yeah. Not, not, not, not, not clean in my house, but like, anyway, by the way, that's, I, I just said that joke on someone. Because I, if I buy fucking Lil Wayne or T.I.

is one of my favorite artists. I love T.I. Because I came from the South. A big boy just came out with Boomiverse. Oh my God. So good. Kill Jill's fire. He comes out to kill Jill and I come. out to in the south those are our two come up songs and listen and you can call me a bad person but when i'm in my car and i'm singing along with big boy or kendrick lamar or t i i sing the n-word okay it's pretty hard not to it ruins the meter and and it takes you out of the moment when you go i'm a real no okay okay it's it's and so but the joke i said and i'm going to try to fucking work this into my next hour was i said to someone yeah i can you can sing it if you can't If you bought the album, you can sing it.

And they go, wait. But not if you streamed on Spotify. No, but you have to have bought it. Yeah, not if you're streaming on Spotify. And then I go, and not if you're like, just cleaning your house, just singing old spiritual hymns. I'm a hardworking. But I don't know what we were talking about. But I think there's so many people that are afraid to get in trouble that are there are, a tale.

Are people coming to his goddamn show that aren't just to tell fans that are actually going to write this salon.com horse shit? Yes. Because that sucks, man. I hope he realizes, though, that that would get him more fans. Maybe not once he wants. He just, he doesn't want him. He doesn't have hate in his heart. Right.

But you've been, it's classified people into two groups. If you are edgy and say something that maybe like, and I won't even repeat the joke that I think is so funny. I won't even repeat it because Attel wouldn't want me to repeat it. But you may aggregate the wrong. want tiki tortures at my show. That's what I'm saying. What you said about, it was so spot on.

You said, I don't want to be on the right side of history because I'll be honest with you. You're sitting here having this conversation. I started to get uncomfortable. And I'm like, why? Am I worried fans are going to get mad because we have bird on and he's just being honest about his feelings?

Why am I getting uncomfortable? And I realized, it's what you said. It's not that you're afraid of saying it. It's not necessarily that you're afraid that people who are annoying are going to come at you saying, you know, fire him. Here's the salon.com article.

You're also legitimately afraid that because of those people, hating you. People who hate them are going to come like you. I don't want, yeah, that is the perfect, that is the exact example.

I don't care if there's someone that's listening to this thing and is like, this guy sounds like an old man who's filled with hate and they decide to boycott everything I ever do. I really don't care. They were never going to like anything I did in the first place. I don't want the teaky tortures to like me. I had a joke one time where I talked about me,

being at an airport bar with a black guy. Maybe I'll put this in the next hour, but I just, I've been bailing. on so much material. The point was Middle Eastern guy, this is right after 9-11, this is how old this fucking joke is that I still never put in a special. I'm not, a Middle Eastern guy walks in,

orders a beer in between us, speaks kind of loud, I'm really chopping it up. But this is the point. Guy leaves, black guy says to me, I hope that motherfucker's not on my plane. And I laughed. I was complicit. And I realized, oh, I was just complicit in racism.

And then I was like, wait, how did he, wait, he's a black. guy like how did he just automatically assume i'm racist because i'm white and then i was like he just looked at me it was like oh this guy will get this racist joke and then i thought how does he know my racism stops at middle easterns like what if i'm racist i go down the fucking line right i don't just hate them bro i hate you too and and uh but then the joke is i said to the black guy i go uh dude we were just being racist he was like no i was just being real i was like no i think we're being racist he's like no bro it's called real talk i was like i was like

like, I don't know. I've done it before. I know what it looks like. And then he goes, no, just keep it real. And the end of the joke. Well, let's just hope our pilot's white. And so, and so, and so a guy comes up to me. I'm with my friend, Walter, who's black. And a guy comes up to me and sees him with Walter. Walter, Walter walks away and he goes, hey, just so you know, my racism doesn't stop at Arabs either. And winks. And I went, I'm done telling that joke. Dude. I was like, that is not what I meant. asshole. I had this, I wasn't even doing comedy, like, officially.

I had this song I was singing in college at parties, just hammered. I'd walk around on my guitar, get naked. I was wilder back then. Anyway, the song was, I think my roommate's gay, and I would dedicate it to my friend Trevor. And the whole basis of it was how, like, I'm not sure if he is and it's cool if he is, but he needs to tell me if he is because he's making me uncomfortable when I wake up and he's by my bed. Just like, shit, like, that was the whole thing. And it was juvenile.

And it was homophobic in the sense of, like, that juvenile type. I was stupid. I'm not proud of it. But the reason I stopped was I wasn't developed enough as a human to realize the problems of that song at all. Like I needed another three or four years of actually empathizing with gay people to realize how shitty that joke, quote unquote, made him feel. But what I needed no help understanding is one night I sang it. And this dude goes, yeah, fuck faggots. And I was like, and I kicked him out of my apartment, like right then.

I was like, get the fuck out of here. By the way, you're naked with a guitar in the story. get the fuck out of here you know and it was and I was like oh and then that's when I started to realize the problems with the song or whatever and like what part I was playing

and how stupid I was doing it and why why he liked it how he was interpreting it versus you know my friends who I think are decent but then I'm like maybe they're interpreting it the wrong way too it really changed everything

it's it's uh you know it's the thing that's wrong with everything right now is no one wants to share no one wants to share everything like of the people I grew up with that are probably majority conservative a lot of them are probably borderline racist

and they just don't share that they just keep it to themselves well yeah that's what Trump let them let it out a little bit that was half of that was half of it but there's still a whole group that are like okay let's just well let's just you know and I'm obviously I missed some of this guy you're out good luck finding a place to pee

so in the back corner in the back back going to go see a toilet. This may have been what even got you all into that in the first place, but like we had that kind of thing, but in reverse a lot, actually, with like people assuming that we are there to validate. Yes, that's exactly what we're talking about. Yeah. So, yeah, we.

I could, I would hate to be in your position. I don't mind. I don't mind in my position, I think when I do stand up, all I got to do is make sure they have a good time. Right. I can't really offend them. I mean, I can. I can say stuff.

they don't agree with. Usually it's about stuff that parenting-wise that they're like, that's really fucked up. You're worried for your kids. But like, but like, I don't really talk about politics on stage. I don't talk about it because I realize no one's coming to my show to like get their opinion validated.

I think a lot of people that go to Burr's show, I think they, I think he's a brilliant comic, but I think also he stands up for this like, this like working class. dude fuck the fuck the bullshit oh go with your fucking signs yeah he's talking about calling everyone on their

bullshit right and so that's I think he is he's doing more than that my opinion sure oh yeah well yeah yeah and so I had a joke about cat calling and it basically whittled down to the fact that no one likes poor people and and then I thought why am I doing this like I mean it's a good joke

I'm glad I wrote it but like the whole point was you know my wife's like, who would do that? And I go, that's how poor people communicate. It's poor people. It's not color. It's poor people. That's, they don't have low self-esteem, so they whistle at each other.

And they can't go, like, say the way I would. I have money. I go, like, take you on a date. And we'd like to maybe go out to dinner one night? They're like, no, I can maybe take you back to my grandmother's house. She lives on Social Security. I hope she passes. I can collect that.

But like that, I go, don't blame a poor man for throwing a hellmarie pussy pass at you. And then, and then my, but I was like, Why am I doing that? But then I started digging into like why we hate poor people. And I was like, I don't know if that's my job. I really don't know. Like is anyone coming to my show going, how does Bart feel about poverty? Yeah.

They want to hear just good stories of craziness and fun and a little bit of family, a little bit of adventure, a little bit of chaos. And I think that's, and by the way, that's what I like that I do. Like when I have like political Bits like the NFL I wouldn't touch it with an A 10 foot pole right now Like I just first of all I don't give a fuck

Right I really don't give a fuck Like I I think What Donald Trump said about the NFL Was innocuous I thought that what he said Don't you wish there was a coach

Who would fire those SOBs And say you don't stand over the country You don't find He said so much fucking worse. He says he grabs women in the pussies. And everyone let that slide, apparently.

But this is the one where all these fucking football players go, he called me an S-O-B. That's it. Shannon Sharp actually put a thing out where he was making a largely similar point to what you just said. He was like,

it's kind of bullshit really that, you know, everybody, oh, solidarity and everything. Now that he came after us, you know what I mean? Whereas before, there were some guys obviously doing it. I mean, that's the whole thing. thing, but like, there wasn't this whole real unifying, you know, thing until he came after them personally.

And he was saying a similar thing to what you just said. He was like, I don't, you know, that's kind of fucked up to me. But I think that it's, I think it's good when people are unified in response to that motherfucker. I think protest. I think protest is good. It's interesting, though, we talk, we make this joke at our show sometimes, like, trade as a joke about Alabama football.

And it's like, at our shows, we talk about politics. I open, shitting on Jesus. You know, we go down all these paths that you're not supposed to go down and then football is when the crowd starts going,

oh, you know what I mean? And like, it might be the more of the more sacred institutions in America. Because it, sports is unifying.

I think, by the way, I think LeBron's a fucking idiot. Why? LeBron? Yeah. I just, I watched some talk.

I watched him talk this morning. And I was like, hey, bro, you're just a big body. That's it. Like, you're not brilliant.

Like, I hate when people try to put a brain in these athletes that don't technically have them. LeBron, Floyd Mayweather. I don't think he's dumb, but I don't think it's his job to be a political voice. He just is a large man. That's it. I mean, the only reason we're talking about him is he's larger than everyone else,

and he's muscular, and he can jump high, and he's got a good shot. That's the only reason we're speaking about him. But we are speaking about him. 100%. I think it is, I think it's his, if he feels it his responsibility to say what he wants say that's great, but as a grown up, I don't go who, what did LeBron say?

It's like, right, it's like that. But kids do. Well, that's your show. Yeah, sure. Where is Jai? You know, that's your job. I need Jarl rule. Make some sense of this. Yeah.

You know, like that whole, after 9-11, like that, you know, it's that whole thing. And obviously I agree with you, but also agree with Drew that there are, especially somebody as huge as LeBron. There are so many people, kids and otherwise that, like, do look up. to that dude.

Let's let's pick apart LeBron's probably philosophies in life. And let's let's let this is where I, where this is where I find the slippery slope. We all happen to agree with what he, sure, with what he thinks on the Trump. I, I agree with him.

But, but I believe that if we start breaking apart his philosophies, for instance, uh, if you buy a car, you got to get a new interior put into it. Probably that's one of his philosophies in life. Uh, you and your friend fucking a chick, ain't nothing but a train.

It's one of his philosophy. Maybe. Probably in life. Probably. Probably. You know, hey, if a girl sucks your dick, that's not really cheating on your wife. That's maybe white be one of his. He's a fucking pro athlete. That's it.

Right. He's not like... Trump was a reality star. Dude, I don't agree with Trump being president. That's what I'm saying. It's the same guy. We live in a time where who gets to say what. Yeah.

You're just letting people with a special skill set speak for us politically, which is so fucked up. But you're saying letting as if we have some sort of choice in it. We do have a choice. but I guess we get so excited. Like, how far off from Kim Kardashian telling us what to believe? I get what you're saying. It's him.

He could say what he wants, but you're saying, like, people should not be put in stock, and LeBron James' sociopolitical, you know, philosophies or whatever, and it's like, I get that. But, boy, who does? I not, I mean, who does? The amount of retweets were fucking aggressive. Get dumb people.

Yeah. But, no, but people go. Who are people who just say, I agree with that? That's the majority of this fucking country are, morons. Morons are like, do you see what the Bron said? I go, I want to see the Brongo.

You know what I'm going to do? Guys, I don't have any of the fucking answers, but I have more money than God. I'm going to invest all my money in research to find the perfect Democratic candidate to combat what's going on. Like, use your money noble. To be fair, some of them are doing that.

Some of them are. But like, I get frustrated in that because it's like that. I get your frustration. I'm trying to figure out where it lies. It lies in the fact that. that everyone was calling Floyd Mayweather a genius. Oh, really?

Everyone. Just because he's got money. Well, he can't be too dumb. He's got money. Also, a genius, like, you don't mean a genius in the ring. No, no, no, no. Because, yeah, that's objectively absurd. Steve Harvey, listen to Steve Harvey's intro on Floyd Mayweather.

Now, I'm bothered by the fact that I am only bringing up black guys in this story. Because halfway in, I was like, Steve Harvey's intro for Floyd Mayweather was, vomit-inducing. This man might be a great boxer, but he is a genius businessman. No, he's not. No, he's not. He beats up women. Anyone who beats

up women, there are anything he beats up women. He doesn't, like, how do we glaze over that as the country? He has a business manager. He's not a genius bit. Like, there's a guy handling his... He's $200 million in debt to the IRS. He's a moron. He's literally famous for throwing his money

around or whatever and not for the opposite of being a brilliant business. genius at or someone in his camp and this is what he's getting credit for and this is what trump was genius at it's just self-promotion is how to stay relevant and he does have a knack for that he does i hear what you're saying but like you're getting frustrated with how people feel about famous people about famous people just because i like you you know we haven't only hung out twice i wouldn't say we're friends like not deep down but just because i like you i want to tell you stop doing that that's going to kill you i know it gets me really frustrated when i got like a sense

of real frustration to me with like when i watched lebron's thing i was like I was like, or like, also when you express that, you're going to get tweeted out now where people go, what's wrong with LeBron standing up for people who are down trotted? And that's going to make you more stressed out. They've got to be verified in order for me to read it. That's why you won't talk to me on Twitter. Yeah, right. If you just DM me, I'll follow you and DM me. I just have a, I don't read much of like right now with all the, uh, the boo shaming that's going on. Oh man, you can't. You can't. I can't read it. I stopped reading an Instagram quote. It's a long time. Instagram comments a long time ago. I heard you talking about that on Rogan or whatever where you,

as soon as you did the hashtag Bert is Fat or hashtag Thomas Fat, he got fucking insane. Dude, it got this guy. The internet's ridiculous, man. This guy posted a, I won't say the name. I don't, I don't care, even if I do or I don't. He simply started a site. Oh, I want to tell you this one's so much better. we got time to

I'm gonna see I'm gonna see if I can dance around because I know this guy's feelings were really hurt and I don't want to I don't want to hurt his feelings anymore because I know what that feels like he started a

an account only to fat shamey and it was really brutal it was really really brutal but some every now and then it would be funny but for the most part I'm a fat fucking piece of shit

I'm gonna die young my daughters will have no father like just just really Like, it's his version of what he believes comedy is. Right. Edge Lords. I don't know what's that. Like, the people, they think it's funny if you just say a mean or edge of that.

Not Doug's Ten Hope, but the people that really like him and want to be like him, but they're not good at it. But they're not talented or funny. He's amazing. Yeah. But the people that think they're him, but they're, but they have no talent or they're not funny at all. And so they end up just saying awful things. They think if they just say, I want to sew your cunt off and put it to my face, that's somehow funny. Yeah.

So your cunt off is a man. I said, so you're kind of, I'm at shocked, you're kind of off and sew it to my face. I don't even do that good. Yeah. So this guy, this guy then comes to one of my shows, and he brings his family with him. He's obese and his family's morbidly obese, maybe like 400 pounds, everyone's family. Damn. Someone in his family looks at me who's morbidly obese and says, you're a fat piece of shit, Bert, and they all laugh.

and I thought that honestly Hey man You've been called that before You know how that kind of does hurt Because I am overweight Like in my head I was like why would you say that

But the irony in what is happening Isn't lost on me Okay The guy then proceeds to get fucking shit To face hammered And say some mean things to me In person Thinking they're being funny

And I'm just like I'm not a dick So I don't say anything I just leave and I go Okay That happens It's part of the gay guy I signed up for.

I then tell Tom what happened. Tom's like, are you serious? And we both follow this guy's account because he was one of the first guys. And Tom's like, are you fucking shitting me? I said, yeah, because now Tom's getting it too. And the same thing's happened to him. People who are more overweight than Tom are making him feel like a bad person.

And so we get it. It's part of the thing we signed up for. But then we mention it. We just happened to casually mention it. Don't say anyone's name at all. And then the guy writes me personally. He's like, how dare you talk about me like that? I was like, I'm sorry, you made a fuck.

I literally screen grabbed everything he sent to me and sent it to Tom. And we both just were like, are you fucking kidding me? And then he's like, I've lost some weight. I'm like, how, like, what fucking world do you? That's when I was like, I'm done. I'm done with like, I'll go through and peruse comments every now and then. But if I see one bad, like, and there was this other guy who just made an, uh, an Instagram account and his, I think his, his, his logline was, I'm a savage writer for savage

readers. Savage readers by savageness or whatever. And then he made, he posted, out of boredom. He posted a picture that someone else had made of me. Someone else had made of me. He posted it. And it was like, Bert, you're a fat fucking piece of shit. We hope you die.

And I'm like, hey man, there's no comedy in that. Like, right. But you get that all the time. and I'm just like, I'm done. And if someone really, if someone really is going to take the time to say, Bert, you should really listen

to what LeBron says. They're a fucking emissal. I'm a 44-year-old man who tours the world nationally, and I have grown-up thoughts with grown-up people. I don't give a fuck what LeBron James says. I don't give a fuck what Donald Trump says.

I am blown away that we're in this fucking battle with North Korea that I am in the midst of. I am in that fucking missile range. Yeah, man. And we're talking about the NFL. Like, fuck those guys. They don't make millions. Half of them beat their fucking wine.

Like none of us would be friends with any of them if we ever hung out with them. And then we're going to listen to what they say. Ben Robisberger comes out makes a statement. He's raped how many fucking women allegedly? Like really? What the fuck? Why has Ben Roblesberger allowed to make a statement? Like that, that for me gets me out of my mind.

And by the way, I should be allowed to make less of a statement than they're making even now. Because I'm not as famous as them. I don't know as much money as them. What is my opinion count? Right. It's like, I don't know. That's what we do is be having opinions. Well, here's my, I'm, I think, I mean, I think I'm with you.

I'm processing what you said. I think we agree. I think we all agree on the same thing. I'm sure you guys were probably more unified with the taking the knee than I just was like, in my head I was like, they kind of know what that means to, like, they have to know what half of America thinks that means. Well, part of my problem with it is because at the end, of what you were just saying there, you're like, you know, like you said, we live in L.A. And like, we're in Missile Range. It's North Korea shit's going on.

But all they want to talk about is the NFL. They beat their wives and that's all bullshit, whatever. Like, I agree. I also hate that it's become that. Because you're right. It is, it has become that. But I'm saying because they're, no, they're not even really even paying attention or talking about like what Colin Kaepernick and the guys who, you know, went with him on it at first

before Trump came out, what they were trying to do in the first place, which was, you know, make a point about racial. inequality and police brutality and all that. He made it about him. And Trump has made it about him and like that has gotten lost and it's like, I mean, yeah, I agree that Trump's a fucking, uh, a, uh, a

narcissistic lunatic. Yes. Because because he is, I mean, there are times where I just, I literally roll my eyes and go, how do we still have him? Like, like, how is this? How is this even like, by the way, I voted for Hillary, but I did like when he got elected, I think we talked about this. I called it. You did. I called it. I called it.

And by the way, I'll call it, I'll make a prediction for you right now. You ready? Six months, everyone's going to be supporting Trump. Everyone, and it'll be, it'll be unpatriotic not to support Trump because they're going to drop a bomb on us. I've called that shit too. And fucking, they're going to drop a bomb on us. That will happen. And Trump will do the right thing because he won't, he's not going to make any of the decisions in that.

The fucking general is going to step in and go, these are our targeted attacks and we'll destroy North Korea. And they will be out of our hair. and everyone will be behind Trump he did the right thing. Everyone, everyone, everyone. So we've got so fucking frustrated. The NFL is going to not even the national anthem is going to play

for the Super Bowl and they're all going to stand there with their hands on their hearts. I said this would happen, but I said it will be, it'll be 2018, middle of 2018 before it happens. Oh, that's good.

Just because that's a better, if it happens now, there's enough time for people to forget in 2020 and re-hate him. Well, if you go 2018, because he's the one that's, He's pulling the goddamn strings. Related to that, and this is what the part I agree with you on,

is that you got North Korea, Puerto Rico, and other places just running out of water. Houston, fucking South Florida. The health care vote, which has been, however you feel about what health care should be, the way they've done it recently, has this has been the weirdest, most clandestine, non-democratic shit show I've seen in a while,

and we're talking about people kneeling. My counter, though, to you, in general, about LeBron and all this stuff is it is working. I mean, I don't think you can deny that it's getting it in the media, people are talking about it. But nothing's happening. Isn't that frustrating? It's frustrating.

It's not happening fast enough, but I don't think I agree with you. Again, I go back to kids. Young people are looking at this very differently than we are, and they're hopefully going to have a world to inherit, and they're going to get a shape that. And then, two, things have changed. I mean, there's been a lot of police forces that have made some strides. And, I mean, you know, Denver ran out with the first responders and the police chiefs. And that might not matter, but it might.

I mean, it might, you know. What is happening is, and I didn't realize until you. said this. America, America's children are growing up with an abusive alcoholic father. Yes. And so that means they will never drink and hit their kids.

That's essentially what I, yes, what I am hoping for is that we will come out the other, you know, I said him unifying people against him, I'm all for it is for that reason. I'm hoping that we'll come out the other side and fucking be better off for it is,

I mean, I'd say, I have to hope that because I ain't got much during the primaries. it ended up, I stopped doing it because I stopped meaning it. Well, I didn't really mean it, but when he was just a joke, like, this ain't ever going to happen. I had this bit where it was essentially like, maybe that's what we need as a country, because that would be our bottom.

That would be us waking up in a ditch going, you know what? Maybe I need to fucking go. I need to do something like this. Yeah, I'm going to sleep in a snowdrift and losing your foot. Yeah, exactly. But then the closer we got and the closer it became to like, he, oh shit, he has a chance. I stopped doing that joke because I didn't want people to think that I actually meant, No, we need to just select Donald Trump.

At first, it was just like, say it, whatever. And then, oh, fuck, here we go. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of this. But that might still happen. I'm not a big fan of, like, I guess ultimately what I'm saying. And maybe I'm misdirecting my frustration with LeBron. Because I do agree with what he's saying. I just hate that it's, that's who we're hearing it from.

Right. I just wish that. I totally agree, but I just think LeBron is like one of the least egregious examples of that kind of thing. You're 100% right. You're 100% right. You are. 100% right. My frustration is, where are the politicians?

Do we not have any politicians? Like, are there no more... We don't have any leaders. There are no leaders. There's no one that can lead. We have a few. I mean, I think... The guy that pulled out his gun at the fucking Alabama rally,

the thing's gay homosexuality should be outlawed. Did you see that guy? No, but I guarantee me... I love that guy. I love that guy. He pulled out his fucking gun. He goes, a lot of people say, I don't believe in the Second Amendment. And then he fucking weighs his gun on stage.

And we're like, ooh! Yeah, and they went nuts. that guy. They went fucking nuts. Yeah, no one's ever said about that guy. He said, like, I think gay should be outlawed too.

All right, thank you very much. He just snuck it in there. Make sure he had a gun in his head. No one hears what you say when there's a gun out. He's got a gun. Have you ever done cocaine when the little one pulls a gun out? Oh, dude.

It is the, it changes the mood immediately. I bet. Someone puts a pistol on the table and whatever they say. It was the other way around. Guns were out and someone pulled cocaine out. That's actually what happened to me. And that was a little more handled because he's like, no, put that away.

I had two experiences where a gun went on the table. One was in Russia in a boat. A guy just pulled out of his waistband and put it on the table. And I was like, and I was amazed at how growing up around guns, I was amazed at how I was the one that was affected the most by it. And then another time I was doing cocaine to someone just put a gun on the table and like, you know, like trying to get comfortable. And I was like, I was like, wow, whatever that guy says I agree with. Yeah, no, that's not what I mean. It's wild because you said growing up around guns because I was thinking, I've never been.

in a situation like that, but I was thinking like, I mean, hell, a lot of times I go back home and go to my buddy's house, like, we are outside shooting gun. That's like part of us getting together. No, no, that's what was happening. Shooting, you know, shooting by your body. How do you guys talk about, how do you guys talk about like, do you talk about firearms in your shows

at all? Because I'm sure your fans. We don't have a joke about them. Not really. But they know where we stand. Like, most of our fans know that we are, that's the thing that's probably the most right wing conservative about us is that we don't really have a huge problem with guns. And all, as far as Like, and you're talking about being comedically, like, shit as far, like Jim Jeffries basically covered all of it, in my opinion.

I don't have a bit. He has, you know, right? So it's like, I ain't even going to. I like guns. I like guns. That's the whole thing. That's it. I don't have a problem with guns at all.

But what you said about like that changes the mood of the whole thing. We were at me and my girlfriend at the time, my living girlfriend at the time. Wasn't Amber's one before that. But we were having brunch at our house. Like we had. So, I mean, this is already very much. who I am. So we're having brunch at our house and we're having a bunch of people over and we're drinking. But like, you know, and that morning buzz, like everybody goes, so people got out there

at 930s and 10, we're drinking all day. And then one of my buddies comes up and we're having fucking, you know, my moses, I say it wrong, but my moses, we're having my moses, screwdrivers, we're getting pretty lit. And then all of a sudden, dude just pulls out a gun and sits it on the table and I'm like, right by the eggs. You know what I mean? Like, this is not, you know, alcohol and guns can go together when you're out, let's get drunk and go shoot shit. you're having eggs and mimoses and shit. The gun, we were just like, okay, well, this is no longer, uh, this is no longer fun.

Yeah. I have the right to do that. But we're drunk. No one's going to hurt you here. You pulling that out. I'm tense as shit. Like, I'm tensing up thinking about it. Oh, yeah.

We were shooting guns and drinking at a cabin and then they were, and then the guns were just still out and then someone pulled out cocaine. But now I'm remembering it. We didn't do it. Like, that's how responsible we were in our job. We were like, you didn't do it. No, put that away. You can't do cocaine and guns together.

I'm saying. We were like, I'd snorted it off the barrel. Here's why we don't. We have a gun, but we have a lock on it. And here's the reason I put on a lock on it is we were walking through the grocery store one day. And I love my youngest was pushing the cart.

And she was hitting strangers on the back of the heels with the cart. Like she would hit having a one lady. And then the lady was like, oh, I know, I'm so sorry. And then we did it. She did it to do a guy. And then he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I go, baby, what are you doing? And she's like, what?

She does it to another person. I go, Ila, that's the third time. She goes, yeah, I like the look on their face when I do it. And I was like, oh, I can't have a gun around that kid. She's the kind of kid going, these don't really work, do they? Right. How old was she? This was probably two years ago.

So like maybe nine, eight, nine or eight. That's amazing. But we know how Burke's going to die. What's that? So we know how Burke's going to die. It's next to my bed. I don't know why. I'm not the one going to shoot anybody, but it's got a lock on it.

So it would take fucking forever to get the lock off. My wife's like, there's no point to have a goddamn gun if you got to have a lock on it. You put it under your bed. You put it in between your macos? For our listeners that don't know, we talked about this on your podcast last time. Your wife is from my neck of the woods. Legit. Bremen, right?

She's very legit. Bremen. So everybody, everybody, they got chickens in the yard. I talk about Chickamauga all the time. We played Bert's wife's team in football. That's how he married a goddamn redneck. Hardcore. And a good one, too.

Y'all, they literally have chickens in the yard. She just built that new chicken coop. We had a better one. She just built that last week by herself. That's pretty hot to me. Dude, she, she's this kind of redneck where I said, I woke up, I slept really late today. And I woke up and I was like, hey, I got to clean out the man cave because those guys are coming over. Will you help me do that?

She's like, yeah. And so I go, I make a cup of coffee. I go back. I'm like, I will take a shower first, and then I'll go back. I come out from the shower and I was like, Georgia, early in. And then she's gone, she's just doing it herself. She's like, she's like one of those persons who goes, I'm time to do it. Time to do it.

Like, she's just a, like, I call it a lowland scot mentality. Like those low level scots, like the lowland scots who are just like, I need a list of shit to do today and I'm doing it all. I think some, can I be really sincere? And you tell me what you think. I think the biggest problem with the South is that they were raised. that hard work and doing shit, just working, idle hands of the devil's workshop, that that is the key to happiness.

Okay. So I think there are a lot of people in the family who don't work for dreams. They don't work for goals. They don't try to get out of anything other than making sure they dig a hole every day, making sure they feed the chickens, making sure they do their chores as opposed to like, what do I want to be in life? Dude, me and my wife were actually just having this exact conversation,

very recently and I mean I'm completely on the same page as you and this is about to be very raven how pretentious and political this is about we were talking about like a universal basic income and how people where we're from will never fucking go for it because of that reason but what you just said they're raised to believe that's like you work you work for a living you and it you know everything will be all right her dad my father-in-law he that dude he blows my mind man and I got I got so much respect for him but like he he drives like an hour and a half to work because he has to because they live in his tiny little town. So he drives an hour and a half each way to work.

He works like 10 hours. He's a laborer. He's doing manual labor all day. He comes home. He goes straight out back to the garage where he's sanded in a damn table down or something. You know what I mean? Or he's working on his youngest daughter's car or whatever every goddamn day. Like he's never just chill.

My dad's that way. Andy's dad's that way. Yeah. It's almost like Southern Prozac. It's just keep yourself busy. And there is something to that. And you're right. Maybe it keeps you.

from getting like better things and you know what i mean from being able to like have a long-term plan but there is something too to like keeping busy prevents you from feeling sorry for yourself or being depressed too you know my wife's dad comes out and he literally just starts looking for projects right he doesn't just come out and go hey let's go to universal studios right hey you guys want to like he's like be queer yeah yeah exactly he's like uh let's organize a garage let's i'm gonna build this uh what called Andy's dad had a lung removed and was outside working in the field two months later

oh oh that that work and by the way as I said that I went what would America be without those people right? Yeah that's again like I'm not I'm not shitting on the mentality I'm confirming though that yeah I agree with you

it's a huge cultural thing well anything has negatives and positives to it you start with the negatives but they're certainly positive too oh I remember white better people than me I bet there's a lot I bet redneck in the south and probably just let's just say let's just say um whatever that is i don't know what socioeconomic but there's that that that person exists in michigan also well that's my that's my fiance's dad it's all that but he's from iowa and there's a shit ton of them out

there i mean he's net the man never does not work at all i'm he doesn't period he works until he physically like passes out almost working is like oh shit i better go to bed so i can get up and work that's that's my father and all right There's the female version of that who's never been sick. Like, you just had women in my community who just, like, they just have never gotten a cold. It's like, you've had a cold. You just don't tell me about it. No, my mom, I can point to, like, twice that I can remember her ever being sick.

And one of them was just she got vertigo and you literally can't move. I can't keep up with Andy's mom. Andy's mom has, like, arthritis. Her fingers are like mangled looking. We go out in the garden. I can't keep up with her. Yeah. Like, after an hour, I'm like, Angel, I got to go in.

You know what I mean? That's the positive. The negative, one time we was working out there and I wasn't working hard enough. She's like, you know, I understand slavery. You know, it doesn't have to be based on race, but I wish I owned some people who would actually work for you, piece of shit. And she's like, not black people, Drew. You're so lazy. You made your mother-in-law like appreciate the concept of slavery.

I appreciate you making that my fault. But A, it was actually my brother in the story. I just didn't want to get into it. And B, it's mostly her. For sure. Yeah, well, uh, we're about probably, probably get out of that. Yeah, we're going to end up your mama wanting slavery to be coming back. No, I was, yeah, we're about to wrap it up.

We've been a hour and a half. This is the longest one we've ever done. Oh, really? I mean, hell, I know. Well, that's not true. How's the podcast called for you guys? With another person? No, I don't know.

Just the interview part. It's going good. Oh, I don't know if you know this or they mentioned it while I was out or not, but like, you are pretty much the reason this even exists. Yeah. I told you that. You told us, you're, this is why we have the exact same thing. You're like, get the Zoom.

I got two of them now. You're like, get the Zoom. Okay, so you were like, dude, I'm telling you since I started, once I started bowling up, I'm selling tickets better. I'm yada, yada, yada. And we wanted to do it, but we were such on the road. We're like, well, when you go, just fucking do it. Go out and buy one of these things. And you're in the hotel, fucking do it.

Man, you're right. Since we started this, and we're only, this is a, this will end up being like our 35th or 36 episode or something like that. So we started back in February. But like, it's taken off. And like, we're at people come up to the show. We listen to the podcast. that people fucking constantly something will happen on the podcast

and they'll Photoshop a funny thing from it and it's really helping the like fans stay connected and shit and yeah so you were correct about something. Yeah, you told us you asked if we had one and we said no and you're like well you're fucking up. You should. And you went over all the reasons why and we pretty much left here like he's right, we need to do that. Yes, so this is all you.

So yeah, you're a co-founder of this actually. Yeah. Thank you. I think this medium for me is the easiest way to connect. with fans. It is. Like Rob Delaney, I think is the guy's name.

He was really big on Twitter. Because he's a good joke writer. He could write something really quick and funny. Right. My brain doesn't work that way.

I mean, I write jokes like that, but they're, I don't use them because it's not, it's not, I'm more of a long-form guy. Right. So I feel like,

you gotta hear me tell it is my thing. Yeah. It's on Twitter. It's like, if you're a fan of mine and you understand my context and how I say things, I think you'll laugh.

But it's like, if you just print my act out, it's a bad read well that's I think we were funnier on Twitter because of this podcast because people know who we are more now and they feel like they know us then it makes more sense

it's a shorthand I said to someone I was talking with I forget who it was I wish I could because it's not my independent thought but we were talking about there's a cheat code in comedy now where it's it you have fans

and the fans come out and you don't really necessarily have to write the act you did when you were younger. Right. You can. And is that a cheat or is it not a cheat? And then his response, I wish I could remember who said this. It was a famous comedian, but he said, well, I'll ask you this. Did you like Lost?

And I said, yeah, it's one of my favorite shows ever. And he said, so I could just go in and watch season six, episode 11, and that's going to be a great show. And I said, well, you're not going to get it. And he goes, exactly. He goes, there's comics like that. And then there's comics that are like Seinfeld. You go watch any episode of Seinfeld and you get it within 10 seconds. Yeah.

Yeah. Any episodes of Friends and you're like, I get it. Towards the end you couldn't. Towards end you're like, wait, there's so many. Who's pregnant? Who got this? Yeah. And so he's like, you know, I think that's where you lie is this place where you've established

yourself as a comedian. This is what I do. This is what I make. I put out a lot of free content and I hope you enjoy it. But when you come to my show, if there's something you don't get, ask the guy next to you. Like, not that my act is so nuanced. from like, so you know, I'm looking at, I'm looking forward in my man cave.

And you know what I'm staring at it, right, everybody? And they're like, huh? But it's like, I say something about Ila and they'll cheer. And they go, they know Ila because they heard her about, they met her on my podcast. Right. But I love this format. And I'm glad you guys are doing it.

I think, I think the one thing that it'll help with you guys is that, and I'm sure you guys see this now, but you got, you get discovered for one thing. Like, for me, it was the thing that everyone found me on was the Russian mob story. Right. Which, which, you know, I don't know,

I don't know what your term of viability is, but all I know is that, like, it got more downloads as anything I've been associated with. Right. And then people would steal it. Did they do that to you?

They grab it and then they post it as it. Yeah. And then, uh, I saw you had one where it's like, somebody stole it from you and their shit got 25 million views. Oh, that dude's got 86 million views now. God damn.

And mine's got 29. It's kind of stalled because I don't repost it all the time. I don't know the algorithm of Facebook. But, um, But I told everyone, I was like, take it, post it. I don't give you shit. It's me telling it.

People are going to come and want to see me. Right. But they found me from the machine story. What I do is, I definitely do the machine story, and I do a version of that and everything. But I also do, I also am a very layered person where I talk about other stuff in my act. And so if you find me from the machine, maybe you find the podcast, or maybe you find me on stand-up, or maybe you find some of my videos on Instagram, you start putting them all together going, oh, I kind of like this guy. He's putting out content nonstop? Oh, great.

I'm at work. I get to fucking listen to this. And I think that for you guys, you guys come in with this well-read comedy of like agenda, people wanting them to back up. But you also get to show other parts of your personality. Oh, yeah.

Where when this country writes itself and whatever happens to Trump, happens to Trump, he gets, you know, whatever, you know, whatever we didn't know what we were talking about. But like he gets kicked out or there's a coup d'etat or whatever the fuck's going to happen. And America starts to go back into this middle ground where,

where, um, like you guys will have legit fucking careers talking about your ideas in, like a Jim Jeffries way. Right. You can also then, that's not all they, you want to, you can hear other things.

Right. This will allow you to branch out to so many different, like little conversations you have, you'll find that they call out like, like, uh, like, uh, people always go,

uh, uh, talk about jelly giving your dad, uh, uh, uh, marijuana. And you're like,

huh? I get called papal bat, Batman wants a show. Yeah. Because of the podcast episode. But this organic friendship that you share with people will, it'll allow them the opportunity to truly embrace you. So I'm very glad.

I'm very proud to say that I'm, I was a part of the reason you guys did this, but I'm very glad you guys doing this. I'm also, this makes me happy and relaxed too, because I'm always like nervous about what we were talking about you get locked into an identity or whatever, you know?

Yeah. People will tweet ask and be like, so when we go see you live, is Mr. Buck going to be there? Mr. Butt is just when we far into the micro, and say, Mr. Butt, what do you have to say about this? And then fart into the microphone. So it's like they're already realizing that there's a different side to these very serious people.

They just found you. They just found you because like for me, it's probably booze. Like, you know, I think, I think booze are partying or having a good time cutting loose, doing shots. They find me through that, through the machine. Oh, something crazy. But then they also have kids. They also fart. They also have sex with their wife.

There's the lives We're the last things we also do together Yeah Yeah And that's That'll be the one thing That this podcast Will deliver to you guys

Is this this fucking dialogue With your fans That is It's like it's like a radio show Yeah honestly If there's one thing I want to accomplish In a radio show

No but I understand what you're saying Yeah But it's a shit ton of fun If there's one thing I do want to accomplish With that comedy It's getting progressives To just admit

That they fart You know what I mean Yeah Yeah And that they're shit stinks Sometimes Yeah some.

Yeah. That's Bert's mission. Getting, getting liberals to admit that they fart. Started here. So where are you guys at? Where are you guys do tour dates? I don't think I don't know if I want.

Corey doesn't separately and puts them in the front. No, no, no, no. I was actually about to ask if you had anything you wanted to. Chicago. That's it. Okay. Wednesday. October.

Middle October. And then. Where are you at in Chicago? Uh, improv. Okay. Yeah. And then, uh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I'm touring the rest of the year.

Right. Yeah. But so far out. okay yeah if you guys want to come see me by the way i don't talk politics on stage so if you disagree with anything i thought you probably won't hear that on stage unless i'm drunk in which case i go which is i know you are all the time all the time every time i'm on stage i'm fucking hammered i can beat any asian in a foot race all right thanks bert we appreciate you guys i appreciate brother i love you

thank you all for listening to the well red show we'd love to stick around longer but we got to go tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God. Bless you, good night, and skew.