wellRED podcast - #371 - The Annual WellRED Zanies Christmas Episode w/ Tushar Singh!

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

Just to put it out there up top.... the audio is a little punk rock in this one! Really captures the vibe of a bunch of degenerates hanging out in a comedy condo.... cause thats exactly what it is! As most of you know, we dont do these all in one spot very much anymore, but every year during our homecoming shows we make sure to bank one with our permanent christmas co-host, the Indian Outlaw Tushar Singh!  This episode is dedicated to the memory of our good buddy Kenny DeForest. May he rest in peace. Love you, Kenny!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to you, you like had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the skewniverse, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's the thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it.

Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.

I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.

They're the they're the liberal red necks they like cornbread but sex they care way too much but don't give a fuck. They're the liberal rednecks that makes some people. We wanted to get three big old dicks that you can sun. We wanted to dedicate this show to a guy who's either a buddy or a friend, depending on how well each of us respectively know him, to all of us, and an amazing member of the comedy community. Kenny DeForest passed away this week, and Kenny is a guy that I've known forever,

but I've become close with in the last honestly three or four months. We filmed a set together for only fans, and we started talking about doing a drive-by-trucker podcast, I introduced him to Patterson at a show once and, you know, it made his night. Anyway, Kenny is a guy who genuinely made everyone feel at ease and feel better. Yep. Go ahead. Yeah, no, Kenny's great. I mean, I probably, I think I knew Kenny less than both you and Cho both did, but I hung out with him multiple times. He was always super rad. The last time I saw, no, not the last time,

but the thing I think of when I think of Kay was me and Cho went to a comic's birthday party in LA and I wore a shirt, a t-shirt that was Garth Brooks at the Ryman, right? And I was sort of like expecting to catch a little bit of shit for that or something like that. And Kenny came up and he was like,

were you at that show? That's fucking incredible. Was that great? Whatever I was like, yeah, I was. Because he was just like, he was just that guy. You know what I mean? He was just a good dude.

And I hung out with him multiple times and he was always a good dude. And just, I don't know. He's just one of those people that hit for everybody. Yeah. And being at that party as I was seeing Kenny was wild to me because I met Kenny back in the We All Suck shit days at the comedy catch. He was him and my buddy Joe Kilgallon who, you know, Joe open for you in Chicago. Yeah. They were like riding around in a fucking.

car together and this is like 16 years ago like you know Kenny and Joe were like two of the two of the dudes I've known the longest that are like still doing it there's plenty of dudes that ain't doing shit but like they're still doing it and like when we went to that party I kept up with Kenny on Twitter on all that stuff and then I saw him at the party and I was like holy shit like we meet again you know this is crazy how small of a world comedy is and then when he dies I my Instagram and my Twitter is just nothing but Kenny DeForest from every comedian I've ever met, comedians that I don't know that I just follow.

And it just like really burned into me that there's only like a hundred of us. You know what? Like it feels that way. Like it's a small fucking world. And that everybody knew him. And yeah, he was awesome. And it fucking sucks dicks.

Rest in peace, Kenny. Rest in peace can. Love you, buddy. You guys remember Bay Bay Bayes kids? We don't die. We multiply. Dude, I was just

thinking about Bay Bayes kids. Why did you ask about Babes kids? I was just thinking about them, dude. I don't know. Did you say something and it got in my room?

Motherfucking Baybeys kids. No, Babes kids, we don't die. We hate Babebae. We multiply. We twisted steel and sex appeal, baby. Dude,

Babebe's kids was a huge part of my childhood. Me too. Baby's kids in Martin is how I learned about black people. That's funny. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's funny, but it's like, I think if you don't know black people, baby's kids...

I mean, it might be a little racist. Are we on? Are we recording? Yeah, we are. We are. We're recording. You don't think... I'm not saying it is. I'm saying like... Like, well, that's what's weird... It's a cartoon, you know what I'm saying? Well, that's what's weird about, like... I don't know how to put it. Black culture.

Like... Tell us what's weird about it. What's weird, what I mean is what's weird about our relationship to it. Yes. Meaning like. We grew up in the rural white American. Yeah, I grew up, yeah, right. I'm a fucking trailer American from rural Tennessee.

And I have such a connection to Babo's kids. Yeah. Right? And like. But sometimes. I used to have a bit about how like it was the same type of thing or whatever. But like poor white people and poor black people. but like

I get that it's weird though you know what I feel like you're laughing at the wrong time no it's like no this hits for me because I relate to it and I understand it right but here's what it is I think but it feels like laughing at

should we be quoting it I think is the thing no I can quote it you know as far as I know black people made it but I think what it is to do is like comic when you start talking about white TV shows and the culture they created you've got everything from Frasier to the Beverly Hillbillies

to the Jersey Shore. In other words, there is a vast swath of white America being represented. Whereas when we were little, there were like two shows on about black people. And if you were a dumb eight-year-old, you know, from a white, you would be like, and that's how all black people

are. They're just like babies. And then you had Fresh Prince of Bel Air, which was like, it was for black people, but it was black people in a white environment and that was the show. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know, it's for black people or for white people? Well, that's actually what I'm saying is like, was that like a white people's entree into We'll watch these black people because they're in Beverly Hills? Yeah, I mean, you know, they've been in a while, Sanford and son. So Eminem had a line in one of his songs that was like, it was like, if I was black, I would have sold half. I didn't have to go to Lincoln High School to know that.

And so he's saying like, if I was a black guy, I wouldn't be the phenomenon that I am. Right. Sure. It's just like that's true. Of course it's true. Right, but it... He would have still hit.

He would have still hit, obviously. But like his self-awareness with that at that point in time is pretty crazy. How long do you think it took him to get that way? Do you think he had to be told that a lot? No. No. Yeah, I don't know, maybe by Dre or whatever. I mean, that's from...

What song is that from? That's from a song. Eminem song that we all know. Is he a white America? The reason I think Eminem's done that a while is Eminem was going to rap shows as a young man and seeing that there were very few white people in the audience and then seeing

the white people in his own audience made him realize I've crossed over. He had that whole thing about basically being our generation's Elvis, which is true. I'm not just true. Elvis took black people's music and made it hit to white people. He said he was like

And I'm doing that too. First thanks in Selvus, Presley, to do black music. So success. So selfishly. So selfishly. And use it to make myself wealthy. Yay.

There's a concept. If it works, 20 million other white man been immersed. But no matter how many fish it is. In the sea, there ain't ever going to be another quite like me.

No, nah, nah, nah, nah, it feels so empty. That's not right, but you made a hit, though. Whatever. It feels so empty without me. It'll feel so empty without Tushar.

If I said Tuchar, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Two Sharr, check them out. We were talking about white people and forgot our... I'm kind of surprised you didn't chime in on the... Well, we need to have a mic. I forgot he doesn't have a microphone. I don't have a mic. Thanks for having me, fellas.

I do have a thought at some point when we were talking... We will let you have a mic. Oh, can I go ahead and jump under the bus real quick? The reason that it looks like shit is my fault, because I didn't prepare. I thought that I could wake up this morning and pack all my shit and come to Zanis. But we haven't been together to do a podcast in a while, and I forgot. what I needed and I'm an idiot and that's my fault. Watching on the internet, it definitely

looks like a porno that is not amateur, but they tried to make it look amateur. Yeah, it looks like there would be a bunch of white, like a, I don't know, but, never mind, I was going to say something at all too. A bunch of black dudes standing on a white woman? Yeah, it looks like the opposite of what it would be, yeah, like Tuchar would be the only white person,

whereas it's a bunch of white guys surrounding a brown guy. It would be the opposite if it was the casting couch, Harry Piper, I believe, is her name. I don't know what Trey's doing. He's moving a thing close. Dude, I thought he had found a secret place. I thought he was pulling that rug back and he was going to... Here's the

treasure. By the way, here's a 4K camera that we just dug up. I love it. I had a thought when you guys were talking about that, about how just how diverse black people are within America. Oh, yeah. No one, like,

black people from Atlanta are so different from any corner of the country. For sure. And the diversity I don't know if it's like... But they get two shows. So which black guys do you like the most? Outcast. Well, Atlanta.

So Outcast, yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Well, yeah, because they're the closest ones to us. My favorite black guys, Marshawn Lynch. Right. That's so... In the Bayer? But I mean, yeah, I'm always going to say Southern blacks hit the hardest,

but that's because I'm from the South, and so, like, why wouldn't I? Southern Black people. That sounded really bad. Southern blacks, yeah. Well, you call them the blacks, I don't hear for them. But, you know, it is what it is. that could be a football statement

Southern Black hit the hardest Yeah exactly We were talking about I was telling you earlier about how me and you earlier Cho were looking up the history of Pig Meat Markham Well

No You know Pigmate Markham is too short We thought Pigmate Markham was a Baldwin era Black comic who was very popular in this day But when I was trying to explain

him to Cho I was like you know pork chop Jenkins, right? And he was like, pork chop Jenkins. By the way, I immediately knew what he was trying to tell me, if that makes sense. So the only time was Pigmeek Markham, what we found out was,

Pigmeek Markham was very popular in his day, and he had a whole bit about being a judge, right? And he was like, here come to judge, right? I remember that, Here come to judge. He had a song. He's probably been sampled in rap songs, I guarantee. He had a song called Here Come to Judge. to judge.

I remember that song. Well, so that was Pig Meat Markham, right? But so... I thought that was Flip Wilson. He had his thing going on in like the early 60s. Yeah.

And then they, they being us, the whites, uh, stole, stole and adjusted the us. Stole and adjusted his,

uh... That's every white person's pronouns. That's a British pronoun. They us. They us. They us. Thank you. You thought they would end up

So they stole And adjusted pigmate Markham's Judge bit And made it for white people And put it on he-ho. Early on in he-ha That's a big thing. Right, but he did get some

shine for it, by the way. Like they, like it was We were also talking about... They didn't have the fact that it came from him. But we were... Oh, it was like a cupboard. But as shitty as shitty as that was, we were talking about the fact that like at that time in comedy like he was doing vaudeville he was doing

the chitlin circuit or whatever black white whatever stealing shit was not the same thing as it is if they told everybody he did it it kind of feels like you went on s and l and you did a cover song because sammy davis jr did it i'm about say actually he did it first that's who i remember i thought it was flip wilson it was sammy davis junior so what really happened is sammy davis jr did Pig Mac Markham's judge bit on Ed Sullivan show No, he did on Laughan. Laughing.

That's fuck so. Which got him a residency. Sammy Davis Jr. did Pig Mac Markham's bit on laughing and hit real hard. That's fucked up. And then later the whites Black on Black Crime.

The whites repurposed it for He-Haul, right? They stole from Sammy Davis Jr. But, He-Haw did a lot of laughing jokes. But that shit, it did end up hitting for Pigmate Markham. Like he, like, they... He got credit somehow? He got credit.

They brought him back later to do some of the follow-on sketches in that character. Yeah. Because he was a guy that came up with it, and Sammy Davis Jr., you know, didn't have the time. And by the way... Before we blame... So it kind of hit for him in a way, but it is, you know... Before we blame, he hauled the institution and Roy Clark and Buck Owens or whatever, um, it is possible that, like, they hired a...

writer from Lafhan and that dude just was like, do this and the people at Hee Hall didn't, does that make sense? Dude, it happens at SNL. Yeah, for sure. For sure. So I guess what I'm saying is like, the comedy seller and just still bits and turn them into sketches. But in my mind at first when I was like, He-Haul stole Pigmeek Markham's bit, I was like,

oh, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, you assholes. But then I was like, no, it wasn't them. It was they hired a writer and he did it. The past rules in sometimes, like the stories about it, for many reasons, past don't rule. Pass hit sucks, but the stories are good. One of them is Buck and Pigme are two major characters in this. Yeah, Buck and Pigma's. I know that literally

none of y'all care and also no one in the listening or viewing the audience cares, but the Las Vegas Raiders just got a pick six, which made the score 63 to 7. What? They are beating the Los Angeles Chargers

63 to 7. Y'all are going to have the biggest beat of the year. Wait, what was that dolphin's done? That's going to be the biggest. 7 to 10, I think. The Dolphins was pretty big time. It was just like 70 to 10. It was 50 points.

It was, uh, they beat them by 50. I think it was like, yeah. Well, you all could easily get 60 or something. I mean, it's the third quarter, isn't it? God damn, bro. The Raiders can't call off the dogs because you'd have to have dogs first. Like, y'all are doing this. Yeah, all your starters are third stringers.

That happened at the very beginning of the fourth quarter. There's 14 minutes, 30 seconds, something in the fourth quarter. Anyway, wild as hell. Two-shar. What do you think about those stealing hits from black people? Well, you stole the black people themselves, so it makes sense. That's true. That's true.

I would like it known on the record that Tushar said that. That's a good point. Well, borrow, borrowed them. That's true. Why would we stop there? I think what Tuchard's saying, if somebody works for you, you do own their ideas. Right. It's called IP.

Intellectual property is related to people property. This is all the same. I told you earlier, Tushar, that, like, people out there in this universe been waiting on you to turn back up. I've been getting a lot of, I've been getting a lot of, like, messages and stuff, people being like, where's the goddamn Indian outlaw? Where's Tushar? We need to show her.

Yeah, it's true. So now you're here. I'm here. I have an announcement. Uh-oh. I fell in love. Oh, shit. With a white woman.

We knew it was that. And I just... Are you going to give up your outlaw of ways now? No, I think I'm going to go double outlaw. Do you heard of the song Outlaw Women? No. That'll be your new one. Is that Islamic?

No. I believe it is Wayland Jennings, and it's about the Outlaw women that keep the country boys in check or whatnot. Does this not, does this recent development not hit for your Indian mama, who is an angel? My angel mom just basically wants me.

to marry a woman and have some kids and have some kids. A woman and having shit together. Yeah right. And she's not care with that being a white girl. That sounds like a country song. So I mean I Married some kids get your shit. Marry women had some kids get your shit together. It was really nice

because I told my sister and my mom about her. And I was like, she's white. And mind you, I haven't really told my, I don't tell my mom and my family about who I'm dating often. I'm going to think, but why?

Are you breaking it here? I don't, I don't, because... Because it's down here for her? No, because I just don't know whether. Then you have to have a conversation. How's your girlfriend? I'd have to go, I have an ongoing conversation. Yeah.

I've never liked someone. Then you have to bring a white girl to Alabama, that doghead. That's... Sand to the beach. And so I told my sister, and I was like, you know, I'm red, and she's white. I was like, she's watching out of Indian.

And my sister was like, mom have not cared about that. Like, we don't care. She's only, you're happy and she's good. That's more in your head. It's so funny to hear this conversation happening in other households that aren't white. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I guess for so long I've been like, we're the only ones that don't.

Well, we, I mean, we've talked before about how, like, like, fucking a lot of other cultures. Chinese. Be that way. Be very, very, very racist. Yeah, I mean, do Jewish people do that shit? racist. We are racist. Like, dude, so many jokes in Seinfeld was Jerry

being like, oh, she's not a Jew, so I don't want to tell my mom about her, you know, or shit like that. A lot of them are, like, they're super, super racist, but no one cares. Yeah. But if it comes up in America, people get, and I'm not, I'm not saying that justifies us being racist or that we should be racist.

No, of course not. But it is, but it is true. It is true. It is true. Dude, you've often said that, like, man, if you really think about it, America's the least racist. And I'm convinced that you're right, but that really is wild as fun. I think America has the most amount of racism, so it's like the highest.

No, it has the most different kinds of racism. I used to do a bit when I first moved to New York about when I got up there and I was talking about it because everybody was like, oh, you're from the South. You must be racist or whatever. And I was like, I've heard so much racism since I've come to New York. But it's that there's so many races to be racist. against that it's all spread super thin whereas in the South we're like ear nose and throat doctors we focus on just like two or three of them so our racism is like more heightened because we've got more material because we've only experienced these certain kinds whereas in New York

you've got to learn so many slurs you're saying this is a stage time thing yeah like that's what I'm saying in the in the South like we've only got a couple to be racist against so we've really got it perfected whereas in New York it's just spread out. Harrison, Swede, you should have this joke

about growing up in North Carolina people would try to be anti-Semitic but they didn't really know how. And so he's like, I was at a birthday party

once and I'm like this, my friend's friend, he didn't even know I was Jewish, but these kids were hanging out and he goes, look at those kids over as a bar mitzma

at a pool, at a pool party. And he was like, look at those kids over there being all Jewie. And he was like, I looked over and they were just like

playing in the water eating hot dogs. And he was To be fair, they were all beef, but like, still, like, what's he talking? It's like, you just don't have any relationship to do it. Right. Yeah. So really, the exercise should be to take someone, like, bring these people down by groups

and then develop racism in the South. Like a pharmacist. Like the AAA of racism. Right, right, right, right. You try the way your brain works is not good. No, dude, you are so lucky that you're brown, bro. Yeah. We are so lucky.

days. Yeah, oh, that's fair. Like, dude, you're like, if you were a white guy, you would be the next Donald Trump. No, I don't work hard to me. So, too sharp, I want your input on this thing. Yeah, because you're not a white guy. Hey! We've talked about this a lot, and it's related to what just happened just now.

Like, I get so pissed when I hear people from, like, Vermont or somewhere in Idaho or something, talk about how racist the South is or that type of thing, because I'm always like, well, you don't fucking... What do you know anything about racism? You're from a place that's 99% white, right? But the way that can come across is it can feel like you're saying, you don't have to deal with them.

You don't have to deal with them. Right, exactly. How would you be racist against them? You ain't never got to be in traffic with them or whatever. It's the same as like Swedish countries being like, how could they? Shitting in America for being racist. But it's like...

It turns out that Sweden has gotten immigrants that have gotten very racist. But to be in a country where... Upgrade. In a country where it is genuinely diverse and we have all these different ethnicities and stuff and we have to deal with it all,

sometimes that shit don't hit, but we are doing it. Right. We're doing it. Yeah, we're doing the work. Right, and I just wonder what you think about that. I mean, I think there's a lot of these countries

and places within this country and stuff, it's just nothing but white people, and it's easy to be like, Like, oh, we're not racist and I'm not racist. I mean, what's crazy about... There's nothing but white people are right. What's crazy about this country is there's not much... There's not much religious.

Kind of like... There's not been temple bombings. There's not like religious activism on that front, you know? Yeah, our people don't really believe it. They just like the person in the Bible where they get to hate the gay. That's... Yeah, and I know... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't give a shit about anything else. But I'm saying, like, other countries. Like, I'm just saying from, like, in India, for example. This bit has been done to death since, but when I first started out and I was like trying to be super edgy or whatever, I had a bit that was like, I can't remember how it all went, but it was something like, I think that Christians hate Muslims because they're jealous of how much better they are at their religion than them because say what you will about Muslims, but like they believe that shit. You know what I mean? My favorite bit about that is from LaValle Crawford. Yeah. He was like, yeah.

He was like, Jesus wants you to run up in here and blow yourself up. I don't know Jesus like that. I don't know Jesus like that. That's what I mean about it's been done to death since. But that was my whole point was like, I would, like, all my Christian friends, like, they would be like, I believe in Jesus, whatever. And I'm like, until the slightest inconvenience comes and you don't want to be Christian that day, I was like, whereas the Muslim. by God, they do that shit. Like, they do it.

What are we going to say to, Shard? I was just saying, this country, is it diverse and crazy as it is, it might be like, this is racist, this that, but, like, violence against racism is more like, it's not racist, it's like classist, which is great. Yeah, which is great, great for us. Well, you know, people, this country constantly gets called the great experiment, and, like, that is a way better word to you.

used in country almost is like yeah this experiment that we're living in we've gone experiment you said there's more classes my personal experience with that whole thing is like I when I was a kid and up till I was like I don't know probably 23 24

or whatever I was one of those guys that was like no it ain't about race it's it's only about money that's all it is like if you like because I got a poor and shit it's like if you're poor nobody gives a fuck about you.

Right. That whole white privilege thing, like you don't want to hear it. Dude, I used to be real, I used to have a real chip in my shoulder about, like, white privilege and stuff.

I was like, that's fucking horse shit. Like, I'm white, and I don't think I've had any kind of fucking privilege. Like, my life has been hard, you know?

But at a certain point, I realized that, like, you can, if you're white, you look like me, you can graduate to a point where then you do hit. Right.

Yeah. Even if you came for nothing, which I did. But like, you get to a certain point, and then you are a white guy. And you're there. And you're there. And you're there. And that's not true for everybody. I remember talking to Drew about it because Drew was a public defender.

And I remember like early on our relationship when we first met, I asked him. I was like, do you're a public defender. Like, it's all about money, right? I was like these cops, these cops and the courts and stuff, they just fuck. they fuck all of us over right like a poor white trash redneck meth head dip shit is going to get fucked over just as bad as a 16 year old black kid from the hood he won't get picked up as much and drew and drew was like and drew told me he was like no not really he was like it's still like if you catch the dips shit meth head they're going down but they're not looking for him as hard

he was like poor poor white kids they get fucked over too but not in the same way or at the same leveled at poor black. Right. Well, dude, even me who grew up, like, not at all struggling or whatever, like, I remember, I don't know when it was, but the first time I heard white privilege, like, of course, now I'm hearing it from the Fox News crowd, which is just like, they act like, just being white, you know, you get a check for $200,000 and we got all this blah, blah, blah, and I was like, oh, yeah, you know, whatever. And then somebody finally came out and explained it in plain English that was like, white privilege doesn't mean that you haven't struggled. It just means that your skin color don't have shit to do with it. And I was like, well, everyone

should agree with that. Smart Mark said it best, of course. He said one time, maybe to me, but I thought to all of us, if we had called it a black tax instead of a white privilege, every white person in America had been like, yeah, no, I get that. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a tax for it. Yeah, and I've actually, I would say I've been working on a bit, I thought of a thing a year ago and haven't done anything except putting it in my phone about how, like, liberals constantly, I think we've all talked about this, like, so much of our messaging gets fucked over in the phrases that we use and we should have chose different things. And like, I'll go to, my number one example is like defund the police, right?

Because everybody goes, defund the police. And then all the people on the right go, oh, so the police don't get no money and we just ain't going to have cops. And then the liberals go, no, it doesn't mean that. It just means allocating the money for different, you know, these things or whatever, how could you think that that meant taking all the money away from the police? It's like, because you said defund the police. Don't your own, I know there's plenty of people who genuinely want all of the money to be out of the cops, but like so many liberals

say defund the police and then when my dad goes, so the police should get no money, I go, why the fuck would you think that? Like so much of our messaging is stupid. Like abortion, that's way too metal of a word. kill your yard is something going on in the environmental movement. Right. In my opinion, such a dumb way to phrase what you're asking people to do. There you go. We're real bad about it.

What you're asking people to do is let your yard go to a more natural state than the fake grass we put in and got some food in it. If you would say to that, kill your yard. Say that. Say fuck the man by growing your own food. Everybody would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Or like, well, you know, if they had called it climate, change from the beginning instead of global warming because that's another one that like the dude in the Congress with the snowballs like it ain't warm you know we've still got snow

it's like it's climate change mother so all these like getting bogged down in semantics and shit but they're doing that no matter what we call it well and also a lot of these probably get made up by them like let's call it global warming and then when it's cold we can do this yeah maybe doing that but like so much of all of it is semantics you know what I'm saying much I'm much as semantic much like

I mean, don't you're wrong. Now, no, he, Chow had a bit about that on those skews this week. Oh, I did. I can't remember it. Well, just about being, you're like, I'm anti-semantics. Yeah. And it was about the Jews.

But like, so that and like, now granted, when I hear, when I hear Black Lives Matter, especially because it's not like they just randomly said it. They said it in the wake of a black person being shot by the cops. I think that one was good. That's, I agree. No, I agree. I agree. I agree.

I agree. But what I'm saying is, it's still, we get bogged down in semantics because. Well, then after that, it's like to defund the police. Right. But the people on the other side go, oh, so white lives don't matter. They're stupid. But all of these problems are so fucking semantic. And like, the best example of somebody goes, no, no, no.

Hold on just a second. When we say black lives matter, it doesn't mean white lives don't matter. It means, this is the best explanation I ever heard, was like, if this house was on fire and we called the fire department and said, we need to put that fire out, would you go, what about my house? Does it not matter? It's like, well, yours isn't on fire. And I was like, God damn it, why can't they hear you right after it?

What do you think, Tushar? Well, I'd like to change subjects. Me too. New fathers on the podcast. Yeah, well, before we talk about the new fathers, I was actually about to ask you, Toshar, you got you a white woman lined up, right? Oh, yeah, that's why we were even talking about this. Yeah, right. Yeah, my bad, I made it wrong.

That's funny. I don't know how that's good. We went from, like, hey, guys, I have an announcement. I'm in low with a white woman to defund the police. Yeah, we were like, let's up. Yeah, well, here's what you should tell her. To Shard got a white woman. Bring the cops back.

You weren't from the inside now, like. How's that going? It's great. I was friends with her for like six years. Is she a Trump supporter? She's not. She's, uh... Where was she, generally?

Fairly hard left. Right. I think she was in Mexico City, actually. But how's that? How's that for your mom? I should feel about that. She don't care. She's good.

She got, I don't think she... Well, she gave up on you. I was about to say... She's like anybody. As long as this guy's not... What is the year? What's the year? What's the year in India where it's like,

by the time, If you're 35, they're like, well, we're not arranging shit. I thought for a second you thought they had a different calendar like China. No, no, no. The year in India. No, I just meant like, I just meant like, you know. 17 trillion. Like over here, if a, and I know this personally, when a white dude turns 30, people go, is he good?

You know, like in India, what year is it? They go, I don't think we can arrange a marriage. He's past his prong. I think with men, it's different because. yeah it's great because it's great yeah go dogs no but uh with women there's an expiry date just because of the bylaw

what's the day? what's the day? 17 pretty much like like I mean 32 33 oh it's in the 30s now? Oh we all are doing right? That's progress baby yeah that's progress baby yeah that is progress it's like in the dude in Americans have like we

don't give you wrong like we have plenty of 30 year old single girls but like people be talking people be talking to switch this into people switch this into a feel of conversation that could turn you know real queer

real quick like you're with it we were just talking about the biological clock oh past this point they can't do it and you're like as long as you get in under that you're fine so I imagine your mama want some grandbabies and stuff

and you're just Now, you're just not getting in this, but why don't she has grandbabies? You've got nieces and nephews, right? Nephews, yeah. Nephews. Oh, dude, she's so proud then. I know. She did it.

But, like, that's what she wants. Like, the goal, ultimately, is not just to find. You must bring. You have to bring. And these two motherfuckers have both bred this year. Have you told your mom that being driven? Where are you at on all that, too? How do you feel about that?

You're like, fuck bad. I'm not doing that. So, so. So not a long time ago, this is probably two years ago, I was in the phase of let's make a baby. Because I can figure it up. Income-wise, I can figure it out. And if I decide last minute I don't want to, a-e-e-e. A-Bortion. Yeah, that's right.

That's my Fonzie. A, it's gone to India. Or B-Bee. See you later, I'm going to India. And I was like, this is an important thing. I want to experience it. And then just recently. Did you just yada,

fatherhood? Yeah, and I just recently was like, I don't know if I want, like, if I have the energy, the capacity, do I want it,

the world's kind of fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fucked up. And mostly do I want to unhinge my lifestyle, which is like, yeah,

I'm in New York. That's the only more I need to worry about. That's it. The whole world thing, it's always been bad to have a kid. It's being bad. So like, I don't think anybody needs to worry about that.

Your parents had kids? It will be bad. Like, dude, there was people in the 1800s going to. I really want to bring a kid into this world. That's a fair point. People were getting eating my wolves. So, the only one in my opinion. You were still fucking during the plague.

Yeah. I don't think they knew how kids were made in 1800s. Yeah, they just showed up. Every time you get married, something happens when the kids pop out. God damn it. Yeah. I got to stop raping. Yeah.

It's weird. When I fuck the cow, nothing happens. Yeah. It can't be fucking. Yeah. But my point is, like, the only thing, anyone should ever be worried is like do I want my lifestyle to get fucked up because all the other shit it's just like well you know that's just life yeah yeah I agree I don't I don't think I'm at

the point I think you're gonna make a point and we steamrolled you so what no no my my point was I switched on it recently just because I was like I don't think I want that necessarily because I like my life in New York I like and then this girl and then this girl you know like I've met her and there's an element he wants to have one there's an element no I don't want to have kids

because you you got you fucker's got kids you do you don't want to be left out of the chat I do you think that's you think that's what I don't be left out of I don't know I think it's fine

I'm fine yeah Mark don't you're fine what with the idea of not not having kids or you found that you said not so you're fine

I'm fine with the idea of not having kids. You're following with the idea. Yeah. Were you found with the idea of having kids? My default is having kids. My default was always been having kids. Because you're Indian. Because I'm Indian and I'd be good at it.

I'd be a good daddy. You would. You would rule. I would rule as a dad. Tall. Yeah, yeah. Climb on you forever. But.

Does she want kids? I think she would if there was a lot of wealth involved. She's white. That's why she got on. What is that, man? Meaning like we couldn't. We couldn't. And this is like we're not moving to the suburbs.

Right. You want to live in the city still? I wouldn't want to live in the suburbs. Yeah. Well, as soon as you had a kid, you wouldn't want to live in the city, probably not here. As a Chinese say, exacary. Is that what you're going to name your kid? Ed.

Zachary. But, yeah. And since I don't move in the suburbs, she doesn't want to move suburbs. We have a kid. That means we have to stay in the city. And also, you know, it's not cheap. Well, I mean, there are people that have. kids in the city.

I know. But to be fair, mostly rich people. Yeah, right. Okay. Anytime. Anytime. I don't think I ever went.

No, I didn't. The first time I ever went to New York, I had kids already. And the first time I went, my kids were babies, toddlers, whatever. And I've been there multiple times since. And I'll be on the, I'll be on the train. I'll be on the seven or whatever, going out to Queens or coming into Manhattan or whatnot, whatever. And I'll see people.

I'll see like a mom with a stroller on the train at rush hour or whatever like doing and every time I'm like Jesus Christ I don't know how the fuck like I but I know comics from New York or like New York comics are like from the area whatever who have kids that I've talked to and I'm like I'm like it's just so much easier to have kids in L.A. And they're like what? I feel the exact opposite. Right. Well they grew up in it.

I feel right. Yeah. I feel the exact opposite. Everything's closer. Right. Well, the kids grow up in New York is fucked. Well, I've sensed... I don't know why you think that.

Everyone who I know who's grown up in L.A. is a little off. You just said L.A. Sorry, New York, so in New York. Wait for calling out people for being dip shit. Yeah, they definitely, like, get experience... Have you met? They start, like... They can get if they want and do drugs at 13.

But they're also all worldwide. Have you met? They don't need people at 20. Have you met babies from Mississippi? Mississippi. They don't know. They don't know. I hear from Mississippi down

it financially. Everybody has it. Well, I'm just saying. Well, please, sir. Yeah, you're right. Like, all I'm saying is, like, all the dudes, like, all the comics that I met, like, in New York, who were, like, from New York,

when it came to doing comedy, there was a huge culture shock in the south of, like, holy shit, my 20-minute subway bit doesn't work. But, like, they can handle living there. Like, you know what I mean? I feel like when you live in New York it does like even though everybody's like all everybody in New York super liberal

or whatever like I feel like it does toughen you up like getting on the subway all the time living amongst all those people and I don't know I feel like living in the country after that it's like I'm fucking relaxing I say like in the city there's a certain loss of incense when the kid goes through

100% yeah you see there's some positives of that which is good too they see people dying of a heroin an overdose and it's like lunch. You know what I mean? Like you can see that in the South too,

but like not on the corner because we don't have corners. So yeah, I don't, the idea I have any kid right now just right now is not on the table for me. Good for you. But that being said. Yeah.

Daddies. Mm-hmm. In the room. There's three. There's three. And you're sitting in the middle of them. So what do you say to someone like me? because it's like the experience of being a daddy is the best in the world.

Well, it is, but also like... Do you see why I'm coming from? Yes, of course. I don't, I never will be that guy. I'm like, do it, do it, do it. I agree, and I'm sure this is true for all of us. I met, like, especially as somebody who's in comedy is doing comedy and stuff. Like, my major caveat is, and this is like not a thing you should ever have to say,

but it's true, it all comes down to like, who you're having kids with. Of course. And like, yeah. So like for me, like I, like, I used to. We all had it with the loves of our lives. I mean, they remember like, like, early on when I had started stand-up and stuff,

because I had a kid, when I was 18 months into doing stand-up, I had a baby, right? I only didn't have a kid for the first year of doing stand-up, and I was doing a stand-up and I was doing a stand-up for 13 years, right? And so I was a baby comic, and I had an actual baby

and so many comics and she would tell me all the time they would be like, dude you know, I think if you didn't have a kid or if you didn't have a family, you'd have a real shot at this thing, right, or whatever. And I stand by saying that.

It always bothered me. That always bothered me, but I would be like, I'd be like, no. But I always be like, no, and I still have a shot at it. It's going to be all right. And I've proven that to be true, but that's only true because Katie, my baby mama slash wife,

probably should have done those in reverse order. That's only true because she was on board with it. And I think to me, that's what it all comes down to. Like, if you're going to have kids and do this, you have to have somebody who's fully on board with what you're doing, and if they're not, then it's not a good idea. Yeah, I mean, they are.

So the, me and Amber have been together for seven years before we have here. The partner is like the number one thing. to me. For sure. If they're on board, they get what they're getting into and they're down with it, then you're, then it's, you got nothing to worry about and it's the greatest thing in the world.

Right. And I'm only talking about for people who are comics or whatever. Yeah, like, if me and Ember, then... If I had just started my stand-up career when me and Amber got together, then, like, maybe she'd be like, so you're going to give this up, right? But, like, I was deep in, like, me and her have been together for

seven years. So, like, when we had a kid, it was like, Well, I mean, luckily, like, I was the main breadwinner, so it's like, yeah, well, we'll just make this work. Like, you're doing comedy or whatever. But, like, dude, if I just randomly got a woman pregnant while I was on the road. Yeah, it would ruin everything. It would ruin everything because I would then have to move to that city. Like, I would do that. I would have to do that.

Or, hey. Hey. Oh, dude, I would propose that hurts. Fine. A kicker and everything. That solves everything. I'm kidding. But like, yeah, but I'm just saying, like, no, if I, you know, got someone pregnant in Poughkeepsie and they were just like, we're keeping it, I'd be like, yeah, my career would be fucked.

But Amber is like, you know, I don't hit it. I'll stay here. What are you thinking about like an abortion that ate too many breadsticks? Hey, abortion. What do I think about which part? Just all that. Abortion in general. Yeah, pro.

I think that Too Shard should have kids if you want them. and he shouldn't if he doesn't. And I don't think there's ever been, and I say this because I'm talking to past me, I really, really, really spent a lot of time torturing myself thinking about what I wanted to do it. I spent a lot of time trying to imagine this or trying to imagine that.

But at the end of the day, and like thinking about global warming, thinking about money, thinking about what if, you know, the tour goes away, and then I have to go be an attorney because the kid has to eat and I was miserable to be an attorney. It's fine for me to be poor, but I can't make a kid be poor.

You know, I'm just really going through my head, right? And then I realized, like, there's only one question really to ask yourself if you live in a place like America. Obviously, if it's like a war-torn country, the stakes are different. But for me, it was like, do I want them or do I not? And then, yes, I think the only follow-up question is, who do I do it with if the answer is yes? Because this person makes sense. That's perfect. You know?

And like Metallica said, nothing else matters. All I will tell you is this. Mike drunk. I can't tell you to have a kid or to not have a kid. But I will tell you this. If you fuck around. You'll find out. If you will find out.

If you fuck around and have a kid with a woman who you love and you both respect each other, there will never be a moment that you go, I really miss our life before this kid. That's all I'll say. That's all I'm saying. It's all saying. It really just gets better. But you, like, you continue to go away. But we swing, we go out there, we do all this shit.

And you go, that'll all be taken away. You got swing? I can't, no, you know, I'm a swinging guy. Like, I just swing guys. I'm swinging guys. I didn't mean by swinging. Yeah, see? Like, oh, we're swinging, baby.

This would have been worse than when I found that Corey had a dwarf friend. How did you keep this for me? I was doing, I was, that was the 1920s version of swinging. Like, I was swinging. But, like, you, like, if you have a kid, once that baby comes, out and you see it and you get to know it and you did it with a woman who it makes

sense for you to do it with at least for me so far there hasn't been one moment where I was like man it sure will be enough of the fucking kid wasn't here I've actually gone for me and this is crazy because like I'm the fucking show I'm the guy that goes out and gets drunk under underpasses

you know I've been like I've had it to me for for nine months I've been going what the fuck was I doing before this? Like what the fuck was I doing? Why did I think anything mattered? I know that probably, that all sounds maybe like bullshit to you.

It's not. I mean, I told you earlier off Mike when we're hanging out in Zanis. I've told you, like, I'm, as somebody who has kids that are 11 and 12, these two motherfuckers having babies this year has made me one. to have another baby because it's reminded me of how awesome it was to have a baby and my kids are they're past that they're so far beyond that and I can't ever get that time back and I want to have another baby I'm not going to but I want to have no so I'm saying like I would not be feeling or thinking that way if it wasn't awesome I need to I need to real quick uh channel ID

You're listening to the well-read podcast here on All Things Comedy. Well, I need to apologize to a few members in the comment section on YouTube who has said over the past couple weeks, if this is going to turn into the three dudes talking about being Dad's podcast, I'm fucking out. We are sorry, but also you can leap. That's fine. I apologize.

I mean, the last episode was all about birding. Well, here's the thing. No, I know. I know, but like... Joe's everyone. Well, here's what pissed me off about, because there were several of those comments. Really? Yeah.

Several. And, like, it blew my mind because, like, normally our fans are, like, super big fans of us being queer. And, but there were several of those comments. And, like, the only reason that I even saw them is because I got a new phone and I didn't turn notifications off. And it was popping up on my shit. But anyways, like, they were like, this isn't what this podcast has been. And I was sitting there thinking about that. And I was like, this podcast is.

always been us three talking about our lives, and now me and Drew's lives have changed, and we're still doing that. So, like, for sure. I don't think we're doing anything is ingenuous. I feel like this is the first episode where we really... No, when I first had Bain, I went, I got real gushy and all that shit. Like, we did do it, but, like, that makes sense. Like, I had a baby, and this is a podcast about our fucking lives.

Is this one of those things were one person said? No, no, no, it was, trust me. If it was one, I wouldn't give a shit. It was, like, several. and all those comments had a lot of likes and I was like what? Because I thought it was going to be that situation I was like how this fucking pair

and that comment had like 30 likes and I was like you don't like us talking about our kids? So Tim Sharre you're about to have a white one? I don't remember their names. White baby? Maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm more interested in I mean just you two have... Well it'll be a caramel color

I believe. I think it'll be great. It'll be a beautiful mix baby. Do it if you want to. Don't do it if you don't want to, all I'm saying is that you will not regret it. So long as you're with someone who will help you raise that fucking child. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Where are we at, Joe?

Well, it starts over after an hour, so I think we're at an hour seven. Okay. Well, so we can wrap it up if y'all want to. Which is what I think you should do for now to, Char. Yeah, that's right. Wrap it up. How long have y'all been dating? Oh, like a week.

Seven. Oh, yeah. She shouldn't even listen to this. She shouldn't listen to this. Yeah, no. Don't tell her you did a podcast with us. I will. She won't listen to it probably. She's definitely wife material.

Yeah. Okay, never mind. They still have a red arbor. Get her pregnant tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. All right. Thank you. Thank you for making white people. Plug your shit.

Come to Zanis this weekend. Well, well, this is... Come to Zanis next year. How about that? It's a bit long after that. I'm going to do... I'll be doing a run at a theater in February. the date is to be confirmed. What location? Just a theater?

It's going to be the air Ars Nova, probably the first second weekend of February. In what city? It's in New York. Okay. I'm making a one-man kind of a show run about my relationship with corporate America. I love that.

It's going to be, I'm still figuring it out, but it's going to do a run. Wachio. Wachow. But that's it. Trey. Check me out. Come see me on the road. Treycrowder.com.

Got 24 dates up. So, holler out of it. Come see me at the comedy store the last Thursday of every month. And I don't know when this is coming out, but I don't have dates for a while because I'm going to hang out with my child. That's right.

But if you're in L.A., it is, and I'm not just saying this, the funniest show at the comedy store. Many people say that. And as for me, this is Corey. go to bonuscori.com. That is my substack where I write essays. I do audio dramas, all that good stuff.

Five bucks a month for the version where you get things early and whatnot and some extra things. But you can also just subscribe for free so we can all keep up with each other. There's a chat feature in there where I don't comment back on Twitter and Instagram and stuff anymore because it's just too much. And there's a lot of butthole people. there but i always get back to everybody on the substack and it's a wonderful little community that we've built bonuscori.com and i'd love to have you also grab our book around here and over yonder that's a good thing it's a good book and um anyways once again rest in peace canada forest also sorry about the audio quality on this episode it's very punk rock uh because well we were in

Nashville. Those of you have been following this program for quite a while knows that our December Nashville episode. It just kind of is always this way. Love y'all. We'll see you in the new year. Or actually, you know what? That's not true. We'll see you still in this year. I'm an idiot. All right, I got to go. I barely have a voice. Love y'all. Bye.