wellRED podcast - #375 - G.O.E. (Gorillas Over Everything)

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

This week the boys go off on one of their favorite subjects to talk about: wild animals....specifically which wild animals could whip the most ass in a fight!   Other subjects include drinking triggers, and an update on Celina's own Carlos The Monkey!   Y'all be sure to check out our other pods: Gravy Baby, Weekly Skeews, Puttin On Airs   For tickets go to: TraeCrowder.com and DrewMorganComedy.com   To get extry stuff from The CHO, go to BonusCorey.com   Our book Round Here and Over Yonder is available now wherever you get your books!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say.

Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better.

And it's called Rocket. money. Rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want any more, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending.

Rocket money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. And I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practice.

practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one I'd said it before, but I had a, I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies, you know, those weren't a little like the cue ball looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was that in response to? What was that reply I give for just when I did something stupid. Something fat and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for

it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash well read today. That's rocketmoney.com slash well, r e.d. Rocketmoney.com slash well read. And we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.

I want to drink. Buddy, I was trying to drink. Yeah. I was like, Aaron, are these for looks or what? He's like, well, I don't, you know, he wasn't super committed to saying yes. He didn't say no at all. Yeah, no. Yeah.

I think everybody's in that same position. I don't think they could see it. Yeah, behind Drew over there. There's like a little bar situation. Yeah. You know, I don't remember that. Are we recording? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're going. Oh, my bad. I wouldn't have burped in everybody's fucking ear. I'm sorry. Would you not of, though? Would he not of? Yeah, I know. They're the liberal rednecks.

They like cornbread, but sex, they care. Way too much, but don't give a fuck. They're the liberal rednecks. That makes some people upset, but they got three big old dicks that you can suck. But it's all right. He's a very polite, man. I think everybody who comes in here and wants a drink takes the same thing. They look at those.

They all are like clearly untouched. And they all are like, I guess those aren't meant for actual drinking. I thought the cracking might have been opened because of that space. Because visually, that's not a good look. They should have made that plastic go down more. And I was like, maybe they opened it. Hey, does it hurt to ask? Sometimes it does.

No, Brennan had a great bit on that. Sometimes it does hurt to ask, but this wasn't one of those times. What are y'all's biggest triggers? Because I have actually been doing great on no booze and feeling wonderful and haven't even had a craving. But I was making a funny post on Instagram and you can put music behind them now. And to me, I thought the best music for this particular post was Common Man by John Conley. And I did it. And I heard the song and was just going, I'm just a common man, I drive a common.

Country music is the biggest trigger. With that, like there's nothing more. Even if I have a stressful day or somebody pisses me off, it's not as hard for me to resist alcohol as it is when I just hear a country song that hits. Yeah. That's definitely one for me, too. The last time that kind of happened to me is when I talked about it on here after the fact I did that Al Gore event, that Al Gore, you know, private event or whatever, which was outside of Nashville. Is that your trigger?

Former vice president. Normally, it's outside of Nashville and he, you know, put me up at a hotel in Nashville, but it was out on his family's like compound, you know, outside of Nashville or whatever. And typically, you know, show was over, show went well. Like, generally when I'm on the road, that would be it. I wouldn't have anything to drink from that point on. I'd be like, I'll get a Gatorade sit in my room, whatever, and then, you know, fly back in the morning.

But on the way back to Nashville, rolling in, it's just. Nashville, I was kind of riding a little high because it had gone well and I'd been nervous about it, whatever else. And I just like, it's like, I'm going to listen to some country music on this trip back in. And that sign, that sealed my fate right there 100%. Yeah, I ended up staying up until like probably two drunk texting y'all like vacillating between like, hey, oh yeah, fuck that shit and like crying my eyes out. You know what I mean?

While still just throwing them back, you know, crying because it's Conway Twitter. or the old violin or, you know, getting back downy paycheck or getting fired up over, you know, ragged old truck or whatever. That's going to be my song. That one makes me want to drink. I think for me in order, it's cocaine. That's a big trigger. Yeah, that'll do it.

Jokes, jokes. It's definitely like, for me, it's live. Going out to do comedy. Yep, yep, yep. Oh, yeah. The show's going well, or my friends are also on the show, or going out to see any live music. but if you're talking about just chilling, it's country music and some rap,

but honestly that just kind of makes me like just like kind of generally, I'll generally get hype. But like country music, it's like, I want to drink. Another one that I bet a lot of, it's just more rare, you know, but like being on the lake or the water is also like, being on a boat of any kind. I don't know if I've ever been on a boat, not drunk ever since my actual childhood, you know.

and Salinas a lake town actually, but I'd be on boats. I don't know if I've ever been. The smell of cut grass. Yeah, well, I got one that won't apply to you, Cho, because you're much more serious about it. But golf was always another one for me. I didn't want to go play golf if I couldn't have some beers out there or whatever with my buddies. It's just a drinking game to me. Right.

To be fair, it used to not, yeah, I used to not want to drink because I actually got pretty decent. but as soon as I had the kid, my game fell off. And so the last several times I have played golf, I have been a drunken mess because I was like, well, you know, what are you going to do? And I kind of gotten that habit. So I'm back to drinking on the golf course. So yeah, that's a trigger.

But yeah, I don't like, if people, if I've got friends that are going out to like a sports bar or something to watch a game or something, they bring it up to me, like if I do not want to drink that day or that night, I have to just not go because like, well, you say, of course, but I feel like a lot of people, I don't know. I've known people. Of course for us.

Right, yeah, right. Yeah. I think some people's response to that is like, well, just, you know, get a club soda and watch the game and enjoy the company of your friends or whatever. And it's like, no. Do you also tell people in the wheelchair to just walk? Right. It's a disease. Yeah, it's not that my friends don't hit, that I don't like.

Which leads me, you know, like. Yeah, which leads me back to the biggest trigger of all when someone near you is drunk. Depends on who it is. It depends on who it is. And also what they're, how they're, how that's going. I know what you're saying, but it definitely depends on. person in context. Yes. But like somebody who hits for you?

When Amber gets slaughtered drunk, I can't handle her unless I have some. Right. I've, those, my reaction to those people who I've been around tons of times is not ever that like, goddamn, I better get all so drunk or this is, you know, I just see I'm acting a fool and I'm like, this super don't hit and I hate this and I want to go home, but.

You can't go home if it's your wife. No, he's home. I know. I'm talking about like friends of mine. Here's my number one. That first change in the weather, specifically fall, and then I'll say spring, second, and then summer, and I ain't got shit for winter. But like, do you know what I'm talking about? And it's rarer out here. But like, man, a fall day, the first one, if we fly into the south to do a gig and it's just starting to be fall, I want to go to a patio and watch football and drink beer, dark beer, so fucking bad.

Guinness has made a non-alcoholic Guinness now. I'm so hyped for this. For this exact point. I haven't tried it yet. The fall. I cannot do the fall. Sober October is insane to me.

Literally just because it rhymes, you know. I know. It's like the worst month of the year to do it. In my opinion, football, fall, and my favorite beers. I like the fall beers. Oh, yeah. I'm a fall beer. And the weather, like you said.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I can make a for any type of weather, hitting for drinking. It's the change. Like winter, but you said not winter, but dude,

like whiskey and the wintertime or like, you ever had like an Irish coffee? You ever walked into like a bar and it's cold outside? And it's like, you know, cocktail hour kind of. You get an Irish coffee or something like that. But I'm with Drew in that it's not just the weather.

It's when it changes. It's that first day. Yeah. Like when I walk, when I walk out and it's like, oh my God, summer's over. I could wear jeans and a hoodie right now.

I'm like, great with that a goddamn beer a dark one oh i wish it was fall right now i mean you know it's kind of went back to sort of the la equivalent of fall today it's been l. winter out here you mean tennessee fall i said weather so it's my fault but i should say a change in the weather yeah you get it for three days feels cold in l.a right now is not what i'm talking about it's that smell the leaves yep it's football time in fucking tennessee dog i can here. John.

No, I'm with you. I dig it. I can dig it. Yeah, even just watching a football game alone, no problem. But even if we're not at sports bar, for everybody's house or something, watching a football game with friends, especially if it's like,

and it almost always is, you know, it's like a Vals game or something and we're all Tennessee fans, that type of thing. Like, that's another for me. Of course. You know, gonna want to drink. But then I got friends with drinking problems and that challenges things.

We're all growing up. Yeah, right. Going to rehab. Yep. Don't hit. I'm also really horny the first day of summer. Okay. That first hot day.

That's the worst time for me. No, I hear you. It's not like I'm into that gross time. That first day of summer, it's always a thing for me. I mean, what days out of the year could you not chalk that up to, you know, for you? May gets my dick hard. All right. Yeah, but like I'm saying I noticed, you know what I mean?

Like, there's a summer thing with me. I don't know, man. I'm in heat. Yeah, it's supposed to be spring, ain't it? Love is in the air, you know, spring. You're supposed to, people supposed to be porking in the springtime. Yeah, but titty's is in the streets in summer. Uh-huh, but I think most babies are born because of wintertime porkin, I think.

I think that's correct. Because it's couples who are like, you know, cooped up together because you don't go do stuff outside. There's a theory that women are for some reason and maybe men too are more fertile by being cooped up, some sort of like we're all, you know. It increases the chance. It's like a settling down thing? It's like if you're moving evolutionarily, your body's like, well, tribes on the move. Maybe.

Not a good time to be pregnant right now. But if you're like stationary, it's like, okay, we've settled in so we can push one out now. I like that good enough to say that's 100% true. Yeah. Anybody who disagrees it's a science denier. Yeah. Yeah. So DJ asked us earlier on the thread or group chat with him.

Do you think I'm ballparking it here. the number of baboons. Do you think one pissed off silverback gorilla? Yes. Could take, it looked to me to be roughly 20, 25 baboons? For how long? Like, what's, you know what I mean?

Like, completely? Like to death? I guess so. Well, I don't know. It was spurred on by video. I think so. A spurred on by video I shared of a leopard getting dealt with by 20 to 25 baboons. And the leopard, he weren't hitting.

But I don't think they killed him, though. I don't think. Well, he probably ran away. He's faster. Well, right. So that's what I'm saying. Gorillas are stronger. Yeah, but let's take running away out of the equation, I guess.

And then what about... You have to. Consecutively or all at once? No, like a fucking action movie where they all wait behind the monster. They all circle up around him and come in one at a time. My money's on baboons. Although in that video, I mean, they were... It was kind of a mixture of both.

And the actual video is a leopard versus baboons. And the baboons are like... it's a shitload of them and they're not literally all on the leopard at once they're kind of like you know i don't know it's sort of they're sort of coming in and out it's that but it's also like there's only so many monkeys you can fit on a leopard obviously you know what i'm saying like i mean when five or six monkeys that's really funny to me yeah right it is but it's it's also true when five or six monkeys get on a leopard you can fit a lot of more monkeys on a silverback that's true but i'm talking but i'm saying for the leopard like there ain't nowhere else for the

monkeys to go so they're kind of just like hanging out around like ha ha I ever feel like doing monkey shit yeah trying to like and then the leopard one of them gets you know fucked off a little bit because the leopard scratches it or something and I feel like another one then dives in there but they got reinforcements there's like 10 15 in the general area ready to throw down if need should be so I only have one more question before I decide because I'm going to take I said the baboons but I'm going to take it back depending on the answer to this is this an all natural situation like we're not there's no control for anything other than we're putting them in maybe a confined is it a confined space well again the video that spurred all this was in the middle of a street

the reason i'm asking is i think that if it was like a fight to the death and they had to for whatever reason dim baboons is going to take because he's going to get tired eventually but i think out in a place that's open after he kill about five of them the other 15 are fucking off yeah they're right yeah probably you think he'd do it like Hulk with Loki style He'd just like you know Beat a monkey with a monkey Yeah

Yeah just pick one up by the legs and just start Just beating other monkeys with that monkey And he would win But if it was like we're in a confined space And I don't know There's food over here and they're all starving And they had to fight him They would eventually wear him down

But a lot of them would die Yeah I told you all this came up So first of all this got brought well no I saw that video separately They just two things happen to be monkey related As often happens but it started in the thread because I've randomly found an old screenshot in my phone that I took off of Salina Facebook from where, and I know I talked about on here at the time,

but it's been three plus years. One of the pharmacists in my hometown who's got a shady history at best who's also like a, you know, like a flamboyantly gay man and just a total character and perhaps not all that savory of one, who I've talked about before, Big Bob, that guy. Big Bob about three years ago. was embroiled in a custody battle for his monkey, Carlos, right? And people were talking about it on Facebook. And I happened to find that screenshot this morning.

And this old gal from Salina commented on it and was just giving Big Bob all this advice. You know, she was like, she was like, listen, just file the damn form, file the papers, and get your monkey back, Bob. And it was like, people will back you in court if you do this, dot, dot, dot, dot. That bitch don't need that monkey. everybody knows that bitch don't need that monkey go out there and get your monkey back right and this is all real

I love the everybody will back you line yeah right everybody knows what time it will show up stand on business in court like in a movie yeah right you know and just be like listen and that movie is called how Carlos got his monkey back Carlos is the monkey yeah my bad

Big Bob how big Bob got his monkey back boy made the gay man Cuban which is even extra funny well big Bob had some boyfriends that was of that persuasion. Of course, he did. But anyway, um, so can we hang out with Big Bob? It's one of those things where it's like, I think it's harder to talk about him than to. Also, I don't know what he's up to do. He might be in the pen finally by now. Coke and boats, is he like Wade? He's, because Wade hits to hang out with. Yeah, no, I mean, again, he's like an actual, you know,

pharmacist in the area. So he had the drugs. It's like, right. It was, dude, this is all again. This was all. You're not the guy to ask for this. And, you know, he's like, you're not the guy to ask for this. this is not an insult, but it's not your personality to give a shit that you could spend two days, you know, taking advantage of a guy with your fame to get his pharmacist drugs and hanging out on his boat with his monkey. That is not your style, and I respect that. But I feel like Corey, he would be a lot of fun to hang out with. We should send Corey in to test it. Yeah, the first time I ever told you about Big Bob was on Tiger by the Tail or Tiger King spin-off because I told you, because I didn't know if it was how commonplace it was or not, but in my,

My tiny redneck town, Big Bob was the dude, like, he had a menagerie. He didn't have tigers, but he had all kinds of, you know, he had his monkey, which was like a son to him. What does menagerie mean? A collection of animals. A collection of things, yeah. Is it famous or animals? It's very, I think it can be things, but it's most often animals, even when it's, you know, the glass menagerie. Well, that's why I brought up.

Those are little glass animals that the person collects. So the reason I asked is, you were about to say, you know, I wondered back to the, in, is that a gay stereotype that there's a rich old one who owns a bunch of animals? And then I was like, wait, is that what the glass menagerie is about? Because I don't remember reading it. It's Tennessee Williams poem, right? About a gay dude? It's a play, ain't it that it turned into a movie? Yeah, you said poem. Oh, my bad. It's about a, it's about a shut-in. It's about a shut-in girl who, like, horrid, well, you know, collects glass menagerie pieces, and she one day receives a gentleman collar,

and then the whole thing unfolds from there. That's how I remember it anyway. But anyway... Aaron, where are you from? San Diego. Okay, that's kind of a big city, so this may be a hard question. They got a hell of the menagerie down there. Yeah.

That's what I've always heard. Yeah, the zoo. It's supposed to hit real hard. Were there any gay dudes in your neighborhood who owned a bunch of wild animals? No. Right. Okay.

I, for the record, if I ever, like, I get it because Joe Exotic or whatever, and that part of it wasn't. wild to me putting that together. It's like, oh, they're both gay. But I always, in my head, that was way more of a, like, lunatic, trash redneck type thing than it was a gay thing to me. Right. Like, you know, like in my small town, this dude had a menagerie. He just kept him in a big, like, paddock by his house, which was the down, basically downtown, right by the public park. And you can just drive by, you know, kids right by their own their bikes get spit on by camels and

stuff, you know, all the goddamn time. He had. Like camels, kangaroos, zebras. Well, chicken or egg there, because, like, living in a small town and being gay will drive you fucking insane, you know. He seemed to be thriving, bro. Like, that's what's always been so wild about him to me. The Joe Exotic was crushing until that bitch Carol. Like, thinking back on him, dude, he was, like, doing his thing, man. Yeah.

Like, in Salina and just did not give a fuck what anybody thought. Wait, wait, I just realized the confusion part of this for me. which I respect. A custody battle with a woman. Yes. I think she was like a, had been like a part-time caretaker of Carlos type deal. You know what I'm saying? Like they weren't in a relationship.

Even monkeys can't have two gay dads and saline. Right. Yeah. Wouldn't stand. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, I think that's what happened. Was it like she took care of Carlos for him when he was traveling or whatever, that type of thing?

She was his like monkey nanny. She stole his monkey. And then she stole his monkey and he had to try. trying to get the money and she made the argument that because he did have a bunch of legal problems and stuff and I think her argument was like you know this ain't a fit home for this monkey and he was like fuck you that's my monkey I think I know at least at one point he definitely got his monkey back because it was widely celebrated on salina Facebook but that was like at least a couple of years you know all this was happening during the pandemic and last I saw

was probably 2021 or something and he had gotten the monkey back at that point I don't know if he still has him or not I mean Carlos may be dead I believe he did I believe they're living happily ever after. I have no recollection of why I started talking about. Oh, I just said that I brought up Carlos in the thread, which led to all this monkey talk. A lot of monkey talk was going on this morning. Yeah. So you never told us your answer. My answer is... I think the baboons, there's just too many of them.

But you don't think they'll give up? You weren't swayed by that part of my argument? Because he's going to kill a few of them. You agree with that. Right. Okay. The number's going to go down pretty quick. But he's going to get tired pretty quick. To me, it's a question of will the baboons fall back? Because it's like, damn. I've seen too many of my boys get fucked up. That is the question. Or would they be filled with bloodlust?

Yeah, I think if they keep going, I think that number of baboons, I think could take one gorilla as bad as I hate to say it. Dude, I think five could if they were relentless. I know if Thompson's listening to me, he probably fervently disagrees because as I told you all, like this, we used to, when we were like college age, we of course, you know, would smoke weed and talk about animal fights all the time, hypothetical animal fights. It was like a favorite pastime hours. We did it all the time.

And then I was, you know, college age in 2005 when Peter Jackson's King Kong came out, right? And Thompson went on a date with a girl to go see King Kong. And then he came home to our apartment that night. And he came in there and he was like, dude, I'm sorry. But like if they're all like that, it's over. Yeah, he was like, he was like, he was like nothing. I want to put nothing over a gorilla ever again. And I was like, nothing, not even like a saltwater crocodile or a line or something like that.

He's like, I'm just saying if they're like that but regular size, hell no. Nobody wants that. He was like, he's like gorilla over everybody, G-O-E. I think a hippopotamus could take one. But one-on-one on land, I think he's right. What one-on-one could take down a silver bag, realistically? An elephant, a bull elephant. I just saw an elephant fuck up a rhinoceros recently.

and, you know, rhinoceros says they ain't pushovers. No. But they're not as mean as rain. No, they're not, but none of these have opposable thumbs. I mean hippos. That's true. The opposable, but what's he going to do? Pick up an axe?

Because King Kong did that in his last movie and it was metal as hell. He can climb up that elephant's back. He can move east to west better. He can, you know what I mean? Like, he's just like an elephant got to turn its whole ass around to do some shit. The silverback could jump on the fucking elephants back and grab it by the tusk and start ripping some shit out. I think elephants are really good argument.

I don't, I think we, if we had a hundred, matches. Nobody would be winning 90 of them. I'm going to go 60-40 elephant. Because the elephant gets one solid good hit on him. But if he lands it, dude, yeah, that's it. But it's hard for him to do that. You've got to admit. Because to do it, he's got to come up and he's got to stomp him. But if he stompin and he's under him, that's what I'm saying, dude, then he gets one, rips his fucking elephant dick off. And they got a biggin too. But do you ever see them? They suck it up inside them and then they have to pee.

They drop it out. And it drags the ground. Yeah, it's crazy. Animal Dicks is wild. That's how the elephant would beat the silverback, just show him that. And that's cold. Right. Well, see, it's funny you say that.

I don't think that would work what you just said, Drew, because in the video I saw, the rhinoceros, the elephant's dick was fully out, fully out the whole time. Hell yeah. And this rhinoceros was like, I don't give a fuck. I ain't having it. And people in the comments were saying, like, well, these them damn things are real dumb and half blind. He probably couldn't see the elephant's dick. He didn't know how much danger he was in, whatever.

But this rhinos just sitting there like. It's so funny. Right. A weird argument. This rhino's sitting there just like, you know, whatever, just like flexing on this elephant. Yeah. And this elephant is just like, no, not today.

And he like charges it. He kind of, the rhino stumbles and then the elephant takes another shot and gores him right in the side. And that fucking rhino popped up like a scalt with the tusk, popped up like a scalded cat and skedaddled the hell out of there. And everybody said that, you know, almost no way he survived. that, especially in the wild. He got stabbed through the... Also, they got that thick-ass armor skin. Didn't matter. The elephant just went

right through it with his tus. It looked like butter. Oh. Yeah. So, again, if the elephant lands his shot, I think just about anything's fucked. You've come around. You've pulled me around. It's 80-20 elephant. Again, though, the elephant's going to have to be very

accurate on that first go. And maybe Drew said this, and I was too busy laughing, and I didn't hear it. But we're talking about how big and long this elephant's dick is. What you think that monkey going to grab first? That's what I'm saying. But he'll suck it up. The elephant will suck it up. He'll try to grab his, not tusk.

Trunk? Trunk. That's a dumb move. Here's the thing. Monkeys, silverbacked gorillas, do they have really sharp teeth? They don't do they? They got mashers. I think they do. Do they have some fangs? I mean, I bet. King Con do. You don't want a gorilla to bite your ass, that's for sure. But no. But it's not a situation like a lion.

an elephant in a lion, if the lion can get a hole, because you can get him down. You know what I'm saying? If you can get a hold of that back foot, rip the Achilles out, you can eventually get an elephant down, and then they're fucked. I don't know if the gorilla has that. I don't know if there's any way for the grilla to get the elephant down. I mean, the gruel is just

like, just throwing punches. They do have sharp teeth? Yep. I'm swinging back that way a little. They got vampire fangs. But you can't box an elephant, though. No, that's what I'm saying. He'd have to get a hold of a foot, but he's fast enough he could. If you bite his legs enough, You're dodging by it, dodging by it, dodging by it, and you just take one and a half legs out,

especially if it's on the same end. Yeah, like the AT-A-T's in Star Wars. Yes. Yeah. The elephant's fucked. Right. The other reason this won't make sense, though, ever in the wild, unless it's like some kind of preserve and there's only one elephant, elephants are like, they're a gang.

It's gang gang, gang, when it comes to elephants. Yep. They bury their dead. They will not leave one behind. So if you're a gorilla and you're trying to find an elephant, you better be ready to fight all the elephants. Right. And that, that, you can't fuck with an elephant, dude.

No. No, because it's like people, they are kind of gentle giants, but also like the bull elephants and heat and stuff, they'll fuck your shit up. They get territorial and they don't fuck around. And the babies like to play with humans, but if they think it's a fucked up thing, you better get out of there.

Right. Well, hippos are interesting, because hippos are like, they go hard. And their kids and their territory. Right. They go super hard. The most deaths. Responsible for the most deaths.

Right. Yep. Right. Yes. But. Yeah, they're the buffalo of the Serengetti. Well, I saw another, I did see a video from a zoo. It might have been Aaron's hometown zoo. San Diego.

I just think every zoo is San Diego, I guess, when I see clips. But I saw a clip from a zoo of some lady, some white lady, nice white lady, just brushing a hippo's teeth. Oh, all. You know? Big ass. That's too fresh and just brushing his teeth, you know, and he's just, they're not, they're not vicious. It's a territory thing.

Right. Yeah. Right. So. And like when you, because, you know, they're hungry. I lived in Africa for a while. Hungry, hungry. When we would go around places, you know, I went on a bunch of safaris and all that.

It was a whole thing of like, listen, guys, you see that, that over there, blah, blah, blah. Do not go past that. You will die. A hippo will kill you. If you don't go past that, they will not bother you because they aren't people who attack human, they aren't animals who attack humans. So it's just very much like a don't cross this line thing.

Right. If the elephant got the silverback gorilla like got it in one go and knocked it to the ground and then stomped on its head. If it could hit that one, two, then it's over in two seconds. I agree with that. I forgot about the

tusk though. Yeah. Yeah. Man. Elephants, dude. Yeah. You still think you could whip a kangaroo's ass. Okay.

That's not what I said. That's no fucking way, bro. It's a little bit what you said. Right. Because you know. Mark asked if we got into a boxing match, I thought. Maybe he said fight. But what I said was I think I could get behind one and choke it out.

And I said a normal one, not that one that's on steroids. Right. They all that way. But not true. I guess he's on, so you mean only gray kangaroos, right? There's gray and there's red. Not all red. The reds are pretty jacked.

All of them? I mean, they're all pretty big. Yeah. had like prison tats and shit this kangaroo. I would not fuck with that kangaroo. The question was, can you beat up this kangaroo? It was like, do you think you could take a kangaroo in a fight? And I was like, yeah, maybe. But also. A little bitch kangaroo. And I read more about it. And I'm pretty sure by the end of that, I was like, I read more about it. It is not seeing what research. Yeah, because, you know, every now and then a new article

will come out from like some study that's like a surprising percentage of American men believe they could defeat. Like beat a horse up or something? A wild that. Yeah. horse, gorilla, I have no thoughts about that. I've seen a lot of kangaroos when I was over there, and most of them are smaller than deer. So it's like, I'll just choke it out. But also, you showed me one.

Apparently they can jump off their tails and then kick you into a different dimension. Yeah, that's the jacked kangaroo right there. Nobody could beat that guy up. No. But that's like, you're just showing me the Ray Lewis of kangaroos. Right. Speaking of.

Can we give Drew a little credit here for a second? The unique Venn diagram that he's in because you don't see most men who will say a sentence such as I think I could beat a kangaroos ass or not the type of men who then go, I researched

further and I don't think I can't. I know. That's very true. That tail thing freak me out. Yeah. Because what I said you guys was... They like lean back on their tail and put their feet up and then poof, you know, do a drop kick shit while landing on their tail, I reckon. And they got

claws on their back feet too. It's not just like force. And three dicks. And my whole, I want to get into that. And there's nothing with three dicks that I could beat its ass. There's nothing in the world. If there's a tiny butterfly with three dicks, it's going to wop my ass. Echidnas have four dicks.

And you can't. He's got parties. You could take it a kidney. No, you could take me into your kidney. They're just big. I want to say something real quick before you do the bit. Please do it. I said part of my theory here is that they don't have a finishing move like a donkey or a horse with the kick.

That's when you brought that up, and I immediately went, okay, I didn't know that. I didn't know they had a one hit or quitter. Right. Special move. It is wild how many animals have special moves. Any animal with a special move, I'm out. I thought, this thing's going to get some licks in and make me bleed, but I'll get on its back. It can't have enough strength other than the Ray Lewis one, and I'll just choke it out.

But then I found out, no, one hit and it will kill me. It will punch through my heart. No, I'll lose. Right. So, okay, bit real quick, and then I want to go back to Animal Special Moves. So, yeah, I was just, you know, years and years ago with a mustache kind of like this, I was Mario in a roast of Super Mario in Knoxville, with a bunch of Knoxville comedians. You had already left, right?

You weren't there. I was not at the roast of Mario. And so I was Super Mario in the roast of Mario, and when it was my turn to get up there, you got go around the day, let's make fun everybody. This other comic was Sonic the Hedgehog. He was there as Sonic the Hedgehog, and I was like in this horrific fake attack, not even Italian. I don't even know what it is, this horrible accent. I was just like, you're allowed to do the accent.

Sonic of the Hedgehog is here. I was like, this guy said, so he's the best friend. He's the tails, you know, tails de fox, and also knuckles the echidna. Knuckles, the echidna. Did you know that echidnas, they have a four of penises? That's the true story. You can look at it up. Echidnas have a four of penises.

So that means this guy, he's two of best friends, or the guy with a four dicks and a guy with the two assholes. This guy knows how to party, right? And anyway, I slaughtered that as a fat gamer kid my whole life. It was a lot of fun. I wish I had a tape of that. It might be a tape of that out there somewhere. Anyway. There was definitely some clips because I remember Jake James as Donkey Kong.

He was Donkey Kong. Yeah, and I did this whole thing about, which I've heard other people do since then. And also, to be fair, it makes more sense for Bowser than Donkey Kong. But Bowser wasn't there. And I did this whole thing because a lady comic from Knoxville was Princess Peach. And I was like, look, Monkey takes you one time. okay you know

monkey takes you a couple times like maybe but you know at a certain point it kind of just seems like you want to fuck this monkey you know like

anyway what was you talking about oh no special moves animals with special moves so like the ones I can think of off the top of my head the kangaroo

with the drop kick tail move I did not believe you I was like Trey that's a cartoon thing that's a manian devil well now that

Now that is definitely a cartoon thing. They don't do that? No, their little fat gopher looking thing. But you know who does do that? And I was going to bring this up. Alligators and crocodiles, their special move is a death roll. They do a tornadoes thing. The Lex Lugar fucking.

Oh, the death roll is where they take you to the bottom, though, right? Of the water? They spin and they break you. Yeah, but still the spin cycle they put you in is like the worst part of it. They've also got that tail whip that's also a bit of a special move on land. If they get you with the tail, I mean, it'll break your arm. Right. If they're big enough.

Horses with the kick. Yeah, and the donkeys. The Hogan kick. Yeah. Donkey punch. That little spitter. A little spitter lizard. Things flare out.

You're thinking of Jurassic Park? There's a lizard that actually does that. There's a lizard that does that. I'm so glad I was right. Is it acid? As I said that, I was like, is that true? Is it acid? I don't know if it's acid.

No, actually. Pug. Lizard puke. I don't think this one can actually do anything. It just does that to make itself look bigger, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, that definitely is a thing. There's something that'll spit on you and it'll fuck you. up.

A Camano Dragon maybe? Yes, but I don't know if they spit. Do they spit? I know that their saliva is like, I don't even think they have venom. I think Camato Dragons, their saliva is so insanely toxic. How's that not venom? From how nasty. That's venom.

Because they don't inject a thing into like your bloodstream. It's just like the biome of their mouth. If they bite you. It's more like septic, I guess. It's not like, you know what I'm saying? I do. It's like it's so nasty. And I know what you mean and you're right.

It's like getting stabbed with a dirty needle except it's of lizard's mouth, which is worse. I know what you're saying. It just feels to me like, you're saying like snakes have a pocket of venom that they choose to, which there's a great finishing move by the way. Snakes have a pocket of venom that they choose to shoot into you. And you're saying all of its saliva just is toxic. I get the difference. Here we go.

But it feels like that's venom. National Geographic. Research finds that Komodo dragons. kill with venom. Okay. Well, there you go. A one-two punch of sharp teeth and a venomous bite. I feel like, though, this is saying what you're saying,

that they've actually found out it's not even the fucking saliva that they do have a pocket. Can you keep reading? Yeah, hold on. Is it the saliva or do they have a venom pocket? I think it's saying that you're right. There's a difference, and they just found out that it's not actually the fucking saliva, that it's a venom thing. Yeah, I don't know.

These goddamn ads. I definitely thought that is it like a recipe? Is somebody telling you a story about their grandfather? No, I've got an interrupt. My grandfather fought a kimono dragon. All right, what other finishing moves? What do we got? Oh, so I don't know if it's a finishing move.

It's not a finishing move, but it's definitely a video game special skill. Owls can move at such an aerodynamic rate that they make zero sound. I don't mean a little sound, zero sound. They are completely quiet. They can move through the air and through the night with zero sound. That is one of the scary. things I've ever heard. Ever.

It's crazy. There's a video where this dude, like, he's like a, he's a bird man, you know, and he gets like, they have all these like. It's actually a big boy that likes the owls. Birdman is into Mercedes in classes, I think. Anyway. But he has these owl, or he has these, like, hawks and all these other birds, and he stands on the other side, and in this pathway are all these, like, insanely expensive microphones

that pick up everything, and they measured all the bird sound. And then they go to do the fucking owl. And it didn't even register a hum. And this motherfucker is going and nothing. It splits no friction between the air. And it can just, whatever its prey is, we'll never hear it coming. I mean, that's pretty hardcore. So, yeah, I did a quick cursory Google.

And it looks like you were right the whole time from what I can see. It's venomous saliva is the thing that I just like. Well, yeah, I didn't understand why. I understand the difference between having a pocket and then having saliva. but I didn't understand why we weren't calling it venom. But I could see the argument of like, well, that means you control it. It's like a- Yeah, right, because I thought, like, for example, the poison dart frog, right? And then what they're called, poison dart frog, they have-in-law it.

Yeah, I guess that is a venom, yeah, I guess it is. Buddy of mine, I want to say, because it's legal, going out to the desert to find them toads that'll fuck you up. Yeah. I'm going to lick one. You know a friend who, you have a friend who's done that. He's going to lick toads. I just couldn't lick a toad's, but, you know. I could.

I think it's their head. Yeah, I don't know. Wasn't there a football player? I don't think there's really much of a difference between licking a toe's head and licking its butt. Like, you're licking a toad, dude. Who cares? There was a white, bald football player

who had a spread in Sports Illustrated when we were kids. He had some of them as pets, because the pitcher he had, he was really into all the different frogs, and he had some of those. He had some of the venomous ones, too. Who the fuck was that? White bald guy, football player?

Yeah, the Sports Illustrated picture. he had like a bright orange frog on his bald head it looked cool as shit I mean I don't know from our childhoods I couldn't remember by being bald I remember like Howie Long and Brian Bosworth and dudes like that none of which were bald that I can recall um Brian Erlacker he got bald later no this dude was always bald in the frogs I feel like he played for the Broncos and it was definitely a time where it's not going to be easily Google googlyable yeah because like that spread was like I mean, there's an archive of it, but it's harder to search back then. Oh, I remember what actually, how I found the thing about the monkey custody battle

was I saw a different thing that I don't think we've talked about on here that made me go search for it. Do y'all remember, okay, Corey, you're a comic book person. If you went back and gotten like classic comic books. Yeah, got some behind me. Like that are actually old, right? Yeah. Okay. They're not, the ones I have aren't really worth anything.

They're like, you know, I'll get like a second edition. It'll be the old Superman, but it'll be like number two. And it's like you have to have number one. I don't care about how much they're worse. Are they from like the 60s? I've just trying to be friends. I've never heard him more. Now, I want you to talk.

Are they from the 60s? That's fine. I'm out. 60s or before? Yeah. You know the ads they have in the back? Yeah, they've got some that were like, you know, a lot of times it would be the little fish that you, they're dehydrated

and you put them in the... Sea monkeys. See monkeys, yeah. They also, and I saw this ad in one of my dad's old comic books that my grandpa had at his house. It was like from the 60s when my dad was a kid, you could buy a monkey for $18.95 and it came with, it came in the mail.

Came in the mail. Like in a box with holes in it? Yes, yes. And it came with a collar, a leash, and a monkey toy, whatever the hell that is. That's all worth 18. right there. That's what I'm saying. 1895.

In the 60s, I don't know what that translates. What do you think? A couple hundred or something? It's still like pretty much to stay. $18 from the 60s? That's probably $125. 1895. So $19 from the 60s.

I've been watching Season 2 of Fargo, so I've been translating a lot of money lately. I'm going to go, that doesn't mean I'm going to be right. I'm going to say $187, Corey. What did I say, 125? Yeah. Okay. Inflation calculation.

I said 200 just without even really thinking. So I did the dumb thing. I went over, you know. Somebody should have $1. You'll keep talking. I'll figure this out. I don't believe in the go over your route. It's closest one to the number.

I kind of am with you. And what year are we saying in 1960? Put it like 65. Yeah, because we said the 60s. It's definitely the 60s, so just put it 65 somewhere in there. Okay, and it's 18. 95. I want to change my answer now.

Fuck, because I've been doing 79. It ain't 200. I was, that's over. That's got to be over. I forgot. You said 25. I said 200. He said, you said 187, I think, is what on another cover.

It's 186.31, dog. That's wild. Motherfucker, you went over by 70 cents. And that would make me out on the prices right, which is bullshit. It is bullshit. You're right. I totally agree. Well, that's crazy.

That's crazy. That's nice. I've been doing it, like a lot. No, dude, I get in those zones too. I'm like, what is that? Back when I watched Downton Abbey, like, I could just do it on a whim and I could, like, adjust for a couple years. It's crazy.

So, that, And I always, I saw this as a kid in the 90s. And I knew even as a kid, I was like, well, there's no way this still works. You know what I mean? Like I can't mail a check or money order now. It's been 30 years ago. And that's a huge bummer because I would love to order a monkey through the mail, right? Send one to Corey.

Don't say who it's from. Remember being bummed out about that. I would know. Well, I saw recently someone else found an old comment look one of those ads and like posted it on Reddit and was like, hey, y'all know this was a thing. This is wild. And so, of course, in the comments, there's people like, you know, there's a dude who's like, yeah, my uncle did this. And, you know, he, like, sent the check off whatever. It took weeks.

And every day he was, like, going to his mom's like, my monkey come yet? My monkey come yet? And then one day this, like, wooden crate shows up with this emaciated, badly dehydrated monkey in it, right? Just, like, right now. It was alive? Like, looking like a homunculus, you know, and, like, they scooped it up and took it to the vet. And this is in like, you know, Omaha, Nebraska or somewhere like that, right? In the 60s, they take it to this vet.

And this dude's just like, yeah, I don't know what to do for a monkey. We didn't have monkey class. I've never seen a monkey. It's almost jerky. In my life. Yeah, like, so sorry about you look. That monkey don't look good. I can tell you that much, right?

And so then it, like, you know, died shortly thereafter. And other people were telling stories about they got, they had whatever, family member, he got a monkey in the mail. and it didn't die. They nursed it back to health. And then it just tore all their shit up, you know, just fuck. Why'd you keep me alive? Shit their whole house up and just tore everything to pieces and all kinds of.

Because, you know, they're fucking monkeys, right? I identify with a monkey a lot. Okay. So that made me think about, and you're not a comic book guy, so maybe you don't know, but I thought Corey might. I can remember some other things from. Corey brought the sea monkeys. I remember those.

The sea monkeys. 3D glasses. X-ray glasses. Yeah, that's right on the ad. The way they pitched it was you could see right through a woman's clothes. You could see the girls in eighth grade class. Who cares they're wearing a shirt? It won't matter with our x-ray specs, you know.

Yep. Like that, the sea monkeys, they always, like, I remember I did actually order some sea monkeys because they were still selling those in the 90s. Biggest fucking disappointment. Because it's like they're just little brine shrimp. But in the ads, dude, they've got like underwater. civilizations and stuff. They're like founding micro-Atlantis in your fucking tank in your room.

They give them little faces and stuff. There was a South Park episode about it. That was great. Right. And so it was all bullshit. But then I also remembered, we're all an age where when we were coming of age, coming, no pun intended, you know, porn, we had magazines and stuff, right? It wasn't just these kids today got it so easy.

We had like actual magazines. They had ads. Penis pumps. Porn magazines had ads like. this too and the one that I always remember that was always the funniest to me Trevor Nads nerd was like well dude they were hilarious man and the one that I because it was mostly penis pumps and stuff like that but the one that I always remember that I'll never forget was like you know like kegles and stuff

yeah right yeah you do like dick exercises make you last longer have better bladder control that's all very legit well it was ad for this little like dumbbell dick dumbbell that had plates on the end of it, right? You could tell you it was like this big and it had a chain on it and you tied the chain around your erect penis to stretch it out and lifted weights with your dick. So, you know, you could get a good pump on your wainer by lifting these dick weights. And they were just like a miniature bar, I said dumbbell, miniature barbell.

Yeah, that like, you know. Now they do a similar product, but you put it on it flaccid to stretch it. Yeah. And it will make it longer. but it will also make it less girthy. Hurt? And it'll make your erections

weaker. Yeah, that ain't it. That ain't it? No. No. You need to get your dick in there pumping iron but you need to do. But it's so funny that they were like,

that's out. Now what's in? Same product, but just dangle it on the end. It's also funny to me to imagine like muscle head bros or something

who work out everything else and that's why they're doing it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, well, it's a muscle. What are you going to do? So it's like, you know, it's like today's back by's and dick day or whatever. You know what I mean?

He's like doing rows and curls. Don't skip leg day. Dick day. Never skip dick day. Yeah, never skip dick day. Doing rows and curls and go stands in the corner just with a huge boner just fucking popping up together except on dick day. Yeah.

He doesn't put it back. He just leaves it laying in the corner and people are like, fucking re-rack the dick weights, God damn it. but have some... Clean them off. Have some sweat a kit. Jesus Christ. Just pissed all over this dick weight.

Anyway, yeah. I don't know. Porn-wise, I can't remember what the other ads were, but I bet they were... I mean, I've seen actually in old porn magazines. They'd have ads for just every type of cocaine paraphernalia you could imagine. Yeah. Right? Like one of my buddies, we got some of his dad's old porn magazines from the 80s.

And, bro, I don't know how that... I mean, I guess it's just like going to a head shop or something and buying a box for tobacco. use only. I don't know what the rationale was, but like, Coke, spoons, Coke, tins, you know, everything, like any, and they were just like, you know, they're selling, have you seen the new product? I'm not going to say what their name is because they don't sponsor us, but there's a new company that makes snortable caffeine that looks just like cocaine. I have seen an ad for that, and I thought it was a parody, like, I thought it was a mediocre sketch. I did do. People going to die. Why? Like, because we're a,

Bad culture. Everyone's scared. We don't own houses. We have just enough money to buy shit like that. Yeah, but that's like, it's not like snorting hits. I mean, do people like the snorting part? You like the... I think people get addicted to that. I think it looks cool to some people too. No. I mean, I guess that's five-boggled. Some people are definitely addicted to the snorting part. Right. Yeah? But you snort your morning coffee? That's wild. I mean, hell, you know, mammals used to snort tobacco. Backer. Yeah. Snuff. Snuff. What we call snort. enough now is not what snuff used to be. It used to be a powder that you snorted.

You snorted. Yeah. I mean, you can still do it. Yeah, you can still find it. I think I'd think I'd do the caffeine. Dude, I'd rather do ass-no than snort. You'll die. I will. I will. I'm gonna start snorting backer again. Bring it back. You snorted backer by me? I mean, I'm bringing it back a great again. Oh yeah, yeah. You're going to write. Bring back snorting backer. Why not? Well, it sounds like... Plug your shit, Trey. Sounds like it's about time for it, both that and bringing back snorting backer. I mean, people are snorting coffee. Might as well snort backer again.

You know, anyway, yeah, where, Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend in Florida after that, and then like D.C. and other, Vancouver and Seattle and some other places. Coming up, go to Trey Crowder.com and check it out. Come and see me. Appreciate it. I got a big announcement coming out with the tour, but off the top of my head, I know I'm to be in Denver

in March. I'll put that link up, Nashville in June. I know there's like Asheville. Anyway, I'm working on it, so I'll be announcing my tour starting the back half of the year soon. Bonuscori.com. That's my substack. It's a great time. And also listen to all the other podcasts in this universe,

weekly skews, gravy baby, putting on airs. And thank you all for listening to The Well Red Show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Attune in next week if you got nothing to do. Drew would get whooped by kangaroo. And he's been sitting on that one. Yeah, he has. Fart.

Bye. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by the new book, Round Here and Over Yonder, written by author's Trey Crowder and Corey Ryan Forrester. That's ya boy. The book is out now.

I would like to thank everyone who did the pre-order, but for those of you who were like, you know what, I went away and actually go to a bookstore and pick this thing up. Well, you can do that right now. Round Here and Over Yonder, a front porch, guide written by two progressive hillbillies, parenthetical. Yes, that's a thing. We love long titles,

but we love making you laugh even more. This book is Chock-Fill. Chocked-Fill. Chalked full of jokes. We chock-filled it, too. It's got a bunch of jokes in it. It's really, really fun. We tried to take the stereotypes of certain regions, talk about what they are, talk about what they got right, talk about what the actual reality is. Of course, we did it with our own little region here in the south. We went everywhere else in the United States. And for the first time in our lives, we went to the UK. It's rednecks abroad. The book is round here and over yonder. Not to brag on us, but I will. It is hilarious. Pick it up now wherever you get books. And by the way, we narrated the audio version, if that's how you want to digest it. But there is no wrong way. Round here and over yonder,

wherever you get you books, do it at an indie bookstore.