wellRED podcast - #393 - Ali Clayton Out-Rednecks All Of Us!

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

Yall, what can we say other than this was the podcast meet-up that was destined by the fake lord to happen! Almost don’t even wanna say what we talked about as not to give anything away, but yall… if you think WE got some wild ass redneck stories, you just wait till you hear the HILARIOUS Ali Clayton! And btw, her new album Country Queer is out now wherever you get your albums, and she’s touring so you ourt go see her!! https://aliclaytoncomedy.com/ to see all her stuff! TraeCrowder.com for Trae DrewMorganComedy.com for Drew CoreyRyanForrester.com for CHO

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to you, you like had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now, skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people, people across the skewniverse, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery, getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions,

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Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that.

Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the cue ball looking twin fellas.

Yeah. So that was money. What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first.

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dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. They're the. I was like Larry, they all say you're my dad and they call me the Oreo. And Larry goes, all right, I got something for him. And then he started pulling up each day, blasting bone thugs. Yeah. Nice.

And screaming out the window, where's my baby? Yeah. Larry sounds like he hits. They're the liberal rednecks they like cornbread, but sex they care way too much, but don't give a fun. They're the liberal rednecks that makes some people upset, but they got three big old dicks that you can suck. We are, boys, here we are here. We are here.

Didn't that in the Skee Universe recording once again. The well-read podcast is Trey Corey and Drew. We got a special treat for you this week. A lovely guest, somebody that really we should have had on here a long time ago, a long time coming. They're very much our people. A Southern comedian based in Chicago with a new album out called Country Queer. Miss Allie Clayton's going to be with us in a minute.

But Corey wants to specific, he's got a surprise way of introducing her something that he has not clued us in on. So, Corey, go ahead. Yeah, I just really wanted y'all to see this clip, and I wanted her to have to enter the conversation right afterwards so that we can talk about it. So anyways, this is Ali Clayton, everybody, just so you know how funny as fuck she is. I'm Eva.

I began hobby horseing when I was 13. Started really competitively by the time at 17, and I'm now 47. The friendships are strong. She's always, surrounded by women. I like to be surrounded by, I like women. Obviously this is my main horse. I really as I say in America, my ride or die. This is grandmother. My name to have to my grandmother. It is a real competitive sport like any other

sport. Say bowling, rollerblading, suitball. Some people try to understand. I try to explain to the Americans. I am the Michael Jordan. of Finland as far as competitive hobby horse singles. Okay, everybody. Allie Clayton, everybody. Welcome to the show, the Hobby Horse extraordinaire. Oh, thank you all. Right off the bat, I want to say,

before we get into Hobby Horsing, you do have a new album out, and it's called Country Queer. And I was just wondering if you knew that that was also what they called Trey in high school and that he had that copy written before you release. it. I didn't. I didn't know that. And I didn't know you were gay, Trey. I'm not. I just like books. Yeah. Well, that's how it starts. Also, yeah, also my name rhymes with gay. So like I like books,

wore glasses. My name rhymes with Trey is gay, you know, so it was pretty much over from the start. But, but yeah. Now, it's a lovely album title. I saw that video separately, Corey. I'd actually already seen that. I didn't know which one of her videos you're going to show because there was a few that I thought you might be pulling because there's another one where she talks about hiding the smell of smoking from her parents when she was a teenager. I wanted to get, I want to make her tell that story. Hold on.

Shut up. I want to make her tell that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got that written in my notes. But she has to tell that fucking story. But I wanted to ask her first right off the bat with that finish accent. Yeah.

Because it was lovely. Have you seen the, have you seen that? I saw it on Instagram, but it got a lot. It got around a video of a Finnish girl. talking about badees. Did you see that?

Oh my God. Will you send that to me? I'm going to show it right now. Yeah, share it right now. Because I'm, my point here is like, you know that. You really crushed the, you really crush the voice, in my opinion. And here's an actual finish lady. Let me go.

Let's also ask them, keep in mind, guys, we want y'all to guess what she, what it sounds like she says. Me and Trey have already played this game. But if y'all could listen close and be like, this is what she says. Did you find it already? All right, here we go. Yeah, okay. Here we go.

Everybody can see that and everything? Yeah. You were good, okay, here we go. In Finland, we have this thing called Kasi Suikku, aka a pussy telephone. This is why we are so happy, because we have so clean assholes. Why doesn't every country have this? You know, the famous Riku Rantala from Madventures said one time, if you fall face first in shit, do you wipe it with paper, or do you wipe it?

paper or do you actually use water as well? I for instance like to use water so that's why I'm so happy so please rest of the world start using these. They're very handy when you have the squirts.

All right. So what was it that you she called that thing something? What did y'all think she said? A pussy handle. I thought I heard Pussy telephone. Yes. No, no, we had a pussy telephone.

Pussy telephone, yes. It's also what Trey thought. Allie, pull your hair back a little bit. Is this a character you did and you have tricked us completely with God your hair blonde and you just made up pussy telephone? That was you. That was you in both videos. It was, God, I wish I thought a pussy telephone. Oh, I thought a pussy telephone.

I just didn't patent it. There's somebody in the comments saying it's like that that is. is what she said and it because it's some direct translation thing about, you know, the shape of it and it goes where it goes. And so that is apparently what they actually call it, according to a random Instagram commenter who I have not betted at all. But I want to know what you did. It's so funny. You know how we have Genesequa and it's like this ephemeral. We're not even sure what it really means.

And then when our words go to another country, it's pussy telephone. Right. But, Allie, I want to know as an accent person, I feel like that part of the world is difficult. Anytime that part of the world remotely comes up. Me and Corey always just like, I'm just open, we just do that. Do the chef.

How did you do that? How did you figure that out? There was just this one video. Like I discovered hobby horsing years ago. And when I still drank and I would get drunk and watch this video by myself wasted

and just laugh my ass off. And this woman is talking about Hobby Hollisling is a real competitive spot. And like she keeps saying that. And I just watched it over and over and over and practiced the accent. And then, of course, everybody in the comments was like, is this Anadalevie? This is too German. And I'm like, go hear how I really sound and then clap for me.

Well, the reason I even wanted to talk about Hobby Horson is because like literally maybe three to four days ago, my wife was laughing at some shit on TikTok. Now, it wasn't your video. it was actually really people doing it. Like it was a real thing. I didn't know until you just said that. You were saying what you were just saying. Right.

In my head I was going, wait, hold up. That's a real thing. I thought that's just a sketch idea you had and made it up. Amber tells me, she goes, have you ever heard of, you know what hobby horsing is? And I was like, like people who as a hobby have horses. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. It's people who pretend to ride horses.

And I go, you mean like in Monty Python in the Holy Grail? And she's like, I don't know what? that is. So I showed her the clip of them coming up with the coconuts and she goes, yeah, that's exactly what it is. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. Right. And so to see your video, I was like, wow, this

is a, you know, kind of a Bader Meinhoff thing for me. I just heard about it. And now here you are doing a hilarious sketch of it. Yeah. It's very funny. I just shot with Evening Squire Productions in New York. I'm based in New York now. Oh nice. Congratulations. And we're

sorry. Yeah. Yeah, my pockets are sorry too. Yeah. Hey, by the way, Drew will leave and come back from time to time. That just happens. He usually does these from a Wendy's parking lot. Matter of fact, here he is again. So if that happens again, you just keep right on talking.

Oh, he had to go somewhere to steal internet. Yes, exactly. Pawn it, I believe. Yeah, see, just carry on. We'll pretend he don't exist. Oh, yeah, that's fine. So you were saying you're in New York. York now.

Mm-hmm. But I just shot three hours of content of just that character. Really? Yeah. So that will be dropping soon. And like since I last, of course, everybody was like in the comments like, hey, why you so fat and gay? It's like Trey.

It's unbelievable. Yeah. It's a, it's funny thing that they might think it's the same answer, you know? Yeah. It comes from one place, really. So I did, and since then, I've gained like 30 pounds. So I'm like, oh, they're really going to come after me now. So I decided to beat them to the punch.

They rabbit, as we call. Yes. So I do this whole thing where I'm talking about the gains I have to make and like how I've only been eating protein powder and bread. Nice. And then I like step on a scale and I'm like, yes. Right. Yes. That's great.

Well, try it. You're trying. Go ahead. Just to establish for everybody. I mean, I feel like. from the album title and everything. They probably, you know,

and the way you talk and everything, people are probably getting there on their own. But you are, you grew up in the South of North Carolina, is that right? And like, so tell us like specifically what part of the South you grew up in. And the album is country queer.

You're a lesbian, right? And you grew up in North Carolina. Yeah. And so a lot of people in the, the Ske Universe, as we call it. Our fans are going to be instant fans of yours, I'm sure. But won't you fill us in a little bit on that,

the background, the origin story. Yeah. I was born and raised in Rugemont, North Carolina. Small little town right outside of Durham, North Carolina. All right. So we would like, like 30 minutes to get to a grocery store type of thing. Yeah.

You could go to the mini-mart, no shoes required. That sort of. We actually got our first hair salon this year, and it's called head mechanic. That's pretty exciting. It should tell you a lot. Yeah, hair salons always have to have some sort of name like that in the South. Like I think there's the one that's not in my town, but in the town over. It's called curl up and die.

Yeah, that's a classic. That's from, I think, I'm not saying it's from there. Still, Magnolias? That, there was a maybe, but I think it's, there's a Jim Carrey, one of his, like, earliest movies or something. Anyway, it doesn't matter. That's from some 90s movie, or that 90s movie stole it first. Yeah, I don't know. but either way, definitely heard that one.

But yeah, so you're like, okay, I mean, that's it. Now, so you, do you say you're 30 minutes from Durham or 30 minutes from just the closest grocery store, which is then an additional X miles from? No, I'm about 30 minutes outside of Durham. Okay. So my daddy is a lawyer and like his practice was in Durham. We had to go to school in Durham. Oh, all right.

Okay. So your dad like, just, I don't know. You guys just had like a house. out in a holler type deal. Yeah. You can tell she's from near there because she doesn't pronounce the A, which fits for me. Durham, yeah. Derm.

Yeah. Does your daddy talk like you? Worse. No, he wins every case. He's a girl leader of an attorney. I bet he's never fucking lost one. Your Honor. He's pretty good.

He's pretty good. And he got a new thing last time I was home. Well, he did call me the other day to be like, do you know it's Pride Month for Gays? Yeah. And I was like, I. I, yep, I knew it. Was he telling you that in a sweet way? Yeah, and like, you're celebrating?

You got big plans? Face yourself, it's a month. He tries so hard. We were watching TV together last time I was home, and all of a sudden he's flipping through the channels, and then it's women's wrestling was on. And he was like, sis, you like this, right? Yeah, right.

You want to watch this? Do you like that? No. Yeah, because I mean, I'm in. I'm for it. God damn, that is great. So it sounds like your family's pretty cool, but what year did you graduate high school?

I can ask you that question. 04. Me too. We're the exact same age. Class 04. Perfect. So we got a good reference point here. So what was,

what was your like, you said you went to school in Durham? So that's a city. So like what was the, you know, what was your experience like? Well, like the school I went to, yeah, is northern Durham. So closer. So most of the people lived out in the country and then like came to school there. So it was a lot of cowboy boots and big trucks in the parking lot.

Yeah, yeah. And then I also had to go to special school. And so I would have to ride a little bus to go to. Oh, really? Yeah, I went to half a day. Oh, my. Just for reading, writing, and math. And then I'd have to come back to the regular school.

What was, I mean, what was the situation? What's wrong with me? Yeah. Yeah, because I got this, they know people, like, I also was in special ed, but I was in special ed. I was from such a small town that special ed includes like. Was just you? No, I got you too. I got, I was in like the gifted program.

program, but gifted falls under special ed. But at my school, that was one classroom with one teacher. So I was getting gifted course credit for taking special ed science classes and stuff. Because that's how my school operated. But just in case you miss what's happening here, Trey was in like 10th grade, taking fourth grade science and then getting gifted class credit. Yeah, like extra credit on my college. It was the same thing at my school,

but they at least had a lady come around to like teach us to play chess or something. No, I was making like molecules out of straws and stuff. And Trey entered the real world thinking he was the smartest man ever and it makes so much sense. That's also true. Yes, I did. But that's not what was going on here. Sorry. No, yeah. Right.

So what's your situation? Oh, I'm dyslexic. Okay. I got that one. That's the numbers one, right? Yeah, that's the numbers one. Yeah, I got that one. And ADHD.

two out of three. All right. All right. Two out of three. Oh, you're not dyslexic, Corey. I'm not dyslexic now. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah.

But the numbers one, I honestly didn't know it had a name. Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh, so, so was that, I mean, back then, I feel like it's a whole different world now from when we were like school age. Like, where I grew. Did you catch hell for that? Like, was that a thing you get made fun of for that? Or people like, cool about it?

I actually would get made fun of at learning disability school. Yeah. Which is insane. By other learning disabled people? You can't read neither. What are you talking about? I bet I can not read better than worse than you can. But my nanny was a black man named Larry.

Uh-huh. He was a recovering crack addict. My daddy had represented him a few times. Then he started working on our land doing stuff like painting, fences and stuff like that. And then I guess I just really liked him. My dad was like, you want to take care of the kids? Right. So Larry became my nanny. And so Larry would pull up in my mama's minivan and all the kids started calling me an Oreo. And they'd be like, your dad, because they never saw my actual parents. They only saw Larry. Um, and I got it was your real dad. Yeah. So they got,

they all called me Oreo. Was that only the learning disabled kids? Because that's a pretty dumb thought to have. Right. Yes, it was. It was. It was only special ed kids that did that. Right. Right. Uh-huh. Because like you're white, white. I'm very white.

Yeah. Very white. But I told Larry that one day, I was like, Larry, they all say you're my dad. And they call me the Oreo. And Larry goes, all right, I got something for him. And then he started pulling up each day, blasting bone thugs. Yeah. Blasting it.

And screaming out the window, where's my baby? Yeah. Larry sounds like he hits. Larry was the coolest kid and special at. Yeah. No wonder you're a goddamn comedian. Good Lord. It'd be a waste if you weren't.

All this ammunition you're dealing with. Like I always feel like, yeah, no, I'm just like being the way I, liking books and being from a town like that is like enough for me. But you got all kinds of other shit going on. I bet there's a lot more you haven't even got to yet. Well, yeah, one thing, because we're talking about your younger years, you know, with Larry, I, Trey almost brought it up earlier, but I really wanted to hear the full story.

And I know that you started smoking when you were 12, which you got me beat by a couple years. I'll say, we like to do a thing on here, which is establish red cred or redneck bonafides or whatever. Oh, yeah. And so you started smoking at 12. Carry on from there, if you would. You're doing great, Byron Allen, by the way, show over there. God damn it. Setting up this story expertly.

So you smoked at an early age. Is that right? What? But anyway, hey, he's a billionaire. I did. I did. I mean, like, most of the adults around me smoked. And then we had a lot of, because we had like 25 acres.

Originally, we sold miniature horses and donkeys, and then we went on to get exotic animals. It's crazy. Are you kidding? There is more that you. You grew up with it, a menagerie, a mini menagerie? A mini menagerie. A mini menagerie. This is crazy.

But I would follow the workers around and take their cigarette butts and then just like walk through the yard. And then when I became 12, like I started legit. And then like getting people to get me packs of cigarettes and stuff like that. And I would try to. Like any kind they would get you or do you already have a preferred brand at 12. I've always been a marlborough light girl. I preferred him.

I would smoke a silver thin or whatever, you know, I could steal. But if I could get a marlborough light, I was a happy girl. And yeah, I loved, love to smoke. I loved it so much. And I would try to do it in my room, but I would try to, like, hide it. Like, I wouldn't want to get called, you know, my parents to catch. me and one time what I used was I stole from my brother I was like they'll never be able to smell it through this a bunch of fart spray like Frank fart spray man I sprayed that all

over my room it looked like somebody had come in there and like just straight tear gassed it or something yes just like with their ass just shot it like drive by shooting those canisters out of their assholes. Yes, I was like, how do I say this vision I have? It was so bad that I threw up. I wish I knew where my brother got this fart spray because I would love to prank some people with it now. They got a new fart gun with fart spray out.

Yeah. Hold on. I know you're on bleeding edge of it. You were so quick to that. He's on the bleeding edge of fart. technology that's no surprise by listening but yeah so i you you started at 12 how like how old were you when this incident happens like 12 or are we talking 15 probably no probably about 13 yeah so it's just so like the idea that that would not also be alarming right that to you want to be it's like she

needs to go to the emergency room yeah right like are you okay Jesus Christ you're vomiting. Throwing you shits hard. You're throwing up everywhere. And it's invisible shit. She's shit and invisible shit. You know, like, I feel like at that point, if you're like, no, no, I'm just smoking.

I don't want you to know. It's like, oh, thank God. Thank God you're just smoking. I thought you were exploding. Violet. My, uh, I call him Bubbs, my brother. Of course. Yeah.

Bubbs one time, he really did me a, a solid. I was at a friend's sleepover and there were these, my parents always had these huge parties, everybody drunk and there were two adults that went and got in my bed and started having sex. And so Bubbs got out the fart spray and just went under the door

and kept squirting it. And then all of a sudden he said you'd hear them, they start gagging, they had to evacuate. They couldn't handle it. He was like, I got them out of your bed, sis. I was like, thank you. It's also I wonder, do you know they had to be blaming each other for that or whatever? You don't know, like, she was like, oh, yeah. He's like, that damn Randy's farting again.

It happens every fucking time. Like, I never smell balls this bad. Yeah. You got just, you got just one brother or you got multiple siblings? I got two brothers and a sister, but I don't talk to the sister because she's homophobic. I don't know. Well, we're sorry. See, it sounded like I was, so far I've gotten an impression.

you know, you've got a pretty good, you know, pretty good draw. That's wild. Like, as far as being gay from the set, from that type of South, especially. Yeah. Like, it seemed like, you know, from what you had said about your family. So, but I guess there's always got to be one. Damn, like, obviously we don't. Two out of three.

I mean, those are all American numbers in the South. Yeah, that's Hall of Fame for sure. And I was like, you know, we obviously don't have to get into it. But, like, I would just feel like the Southern Dad would be the hardest one to get. And if you could get him, then it's like, well, the rest are just going to fall the fucking line. I mean, I could be ignorant on how that works, but if he's going to bat for crackheads and stuff in the 90s

and shit like that, he's probably pretty cool, you know. Right. Yeah. So your dad, Atticus Finch. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So where where are you in the age lineup? I'm the baby. Okay. Right on. Yeah, you're the comedian.

My, my sissy and my other brother are from my dad's first marriage. And they both were not great when I came out. The brother, we've come really far and I've gotten some apologies and we're not in that place anymore. And then Bubbs has never cared.

And my dad... That's your full brother. Bubbs is the full brother. Farraying for freedom out here. Yeah, just... We always protect each other. Yeah, I had a feeling before you even said anything. He was down.

You know what I mean? Yeah, he's great. Did any of them go into the family practice? you got lawyers in the family and was that something that you thought about doing? Because I mean, you know, Drew being a former lawyer, a lot of the things you have to do to be a lawyer translate to comedians,

you know, captivating a crowd, convincing people that you're, you know, whatever. Was that something you wanted to do? No, I always wanted to perform. Yeah. Were you doing like theater and shit as a kid? Like, you're doing plays and shit in high school? Yeah, I went and I did pageants. I was a pageant kid. Oh, okay. Right.

Damn, from like a little kid, pageant stuff? I started when I was eight. Yeah, so what's your outlook on that whole world now? That's also fascinating, I feel like. I think, you know, the sexier, the better.

Oh, yeah. My kid's sexy as shit. But they would. They would dress is so sexy. Oh, we know. Everybody knows. And we would do all those moves. moves and just I don't have an issue

with it personally some of those I mean that the most redneck people yeah you will ever see in your life or in that Marriott ballroom

oh yeah for those pageant contests do you think a part of it is that is kind of like here's one chance fancy don't let me down type situation for some of them you know

maybe but you got to pay a shit tonne yeah that's true I think it's just Like a culture. It's what girl. Like I'm like, you know, people, ever since that Tyler's and tiara's and all that shit came out and people,

it became like a hot button thing for a while. People were talking about like, you know, this really shouldn't be or at least it shouldn't be this sexualized or whatever. And then I went, I was back home recently, like within the past year or 18 months, I was back in Salina,

my hometown. And I ran into my friend's mama and, uh, who I've known since I was eight or whatever working at the ride aid. And she's like, showing me pictures of my friend's daughters. So who are like showing me pageant pictures of her grandkids, my friends, daughters or whatever. Yeah.

And it was just like so she was so, it was so, she was so genuinely sweet and proud and everything of the whole thing. And there was no like that, and there was nothing at all weird about it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, I could just. So I was saying, you know, it reminded me like, you know, it's not, it ain't as nefarious or whatever as it seems to a lot of people from the outside. to the people who are involved with it. It's just like a cultural thing that you do,

and they get really into it, and it's not... Like, if you're editing in for TV, you're going to make it seem like the worst possible situation. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there were definitely times where, like, you're seeing, you know, moms... I mean, they used to glue our swimsuits to our butt, but that kind of hurt. So that your cheeks wouldn't come out?

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's at least looking out for you. Yeah, right? You know. I mean, the front and back, no, I'm just kidding. Oh, we. My pee ain't going nowhere.

So how long did you do that for? Like all through high school and everything? Well, eight to 18. But I got sent off to one of them troubled teen places. God damn. God damn. None of us can hang with her dog. Yeah, your sister sucks, dude.

My thing was turned down too low, but I did just hit the redneck alarm. for anybody. Oh, now we've got to divert again into this. You went to fucking juvie or whatever as a teen pageant queen at 15, smoking and part spray and everywhere. What'd you do this time? A pageant girl in juvie is juviard, I believe. Went to juviard.

Juviard. I painted and twirled. Well, my parents let my cousin, who's a crackhead, live with us. Yeah. And so he started being like, hey. Can I have some crack? Yeah, I got, yep, I only got a little left, but sure. No, he would be like, Allie, go tell your parents, we're going to the movies, and we need $60.

And then he would go and buy me, like, a pack of cigarettes and one Boone's Farm. And I didn't know how much anything cost. Of course. Right. And then he would just pocket the rest of the money. Right. But, like, I did ecstasy at 13 with him. Oh, yeah.

Is she doing it in a trailer? Yes, I did. That was a mess. That was a mess. Yeah. Oh, shit. You think so? Oh, not think.

No, it was. Oh, really? Yeah, maybe a good math. Yeah, but yes. Yeah, both. We decided collectively that if you ever did Molly in a trailer in high school, you were just doing meth with your cousin. And by the way, again, not that I promote anyone doing it,

but I will say meth is a good time. Yeah. Meth don't not hit. Math don't not hit. You used to have that bit about it. Yeah, right. like yeah anyway go ahead alley i want i want to hear the rest of so how far did this how far did you go down the deviant path with this guy oh you know just i mean not not really that that awful but it's

it's going to be a downer guys uh i tried to kill myself so um yeah sorry because of like drug use and shit is a tina or or like depression i think i was just really depressed and um now we're three for four yeah and then i got And then I got shipped off. Like the doctor in the psych ward was like basically if you don't send her somewhere, she'll be dead in a year. Okay. So you weren't like out fucking robbing sheep like breaking the law. It was a mental health concern.

I brought home nine trespassing tickets one night because we were smoking weed down by the lake and we said we's fishing and we weren't. Yeah. But like. How do you get nine? Anyway. I brought everybody's home. home. Everybody was there. Daddy had to take care of it. Oh, yeah, yeah, your dad's a lawyer. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah. I thought you somehow in that one instance got nine separate. Bull shit, I'm going back. That's what I'm talking to.

You are a slow learner. God, damn. Well, no, it would get flugged. That'd be on the cops. I think after four, they'd be like, bitch, get in the car. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? Well, we couldn't, we couldn't run because we had our friend Brian was in a wheelchair. We couldn't just leave Brian. Yes, so related to that, I wanted to say, at least you were a fun suicidal. It sounds like you were just a ripping good time. You were too fun for the town. Yeah, I was.

Seems like you sobered up, and you were like, this is life. Ugh, gross. Yeah. Yeah, I got sober again because I went hard again. And then I got sober again when I was 31. Well, the first one never tags. Yeah, you know. I have a random question, but you said for a while,

did y'all dabbled in tiny horses and donkeys right in your family in Durham, North Carolina, right? Yep. So did you, did y'all have any dealings? With stampede of love? Yeah, a lady named Tara who also dabbles in tiny horses in that same area. Because if y'all ended up like hating each other or having some kind of robbery or something like that, that would absolutely be true.

Do you know Tara's last name? Need them. Need them. Tara need them. Yeah. God damn. I need them. I can call my daddy right now and ask him if you want to.

She actually texts me this morning. You can call your dad and he's going to answer? Yeah, do it. Do it. Do it. Call him. Call it right now. Right now.

Tara need them. Tara need them. She's got her own tiny horse operation down there. Call him too, though. This is amazing. Because that's our tiny horse lady. I want to hear, yeah, about the tiny horses. I want to hear about the parties.

Let him know. He clears his throat a lot, just FY. That's okay. Me too. put it right up to the microphone. Yeah. It'd be weird if he didn't answer. He might be in court.

No, it's 4.30 there. Yeah. He did recently get an eye surgery. He might have been going back. Oh, here he is. This is Jerry to fall. I'll follow you back as soon as. You get it.

It's like in the middle. I need to know. Do you know Tara Needham from the mini horse community? that voicemail sounded like while he was recording it he was like nobody leaves voicemail you call me back whatever god damn it you know whatever god i hope he calls back but yeah just by hearing him right there does he wear seersucker by chance what's that sear you know what seersucker is like white and blue striped sort of like what matlock war you know like the Kentucky Derby Kentucky Derby so every day

he wears a full suit with a bowtie and cowboy in cowboy boots. Are you sure it's not seersucker? What color is the suit? Is it like dark, like a dark gray? Yeah, like a dark gray. Yeah, yeah, okay. And a bow tie and cowboy boots?

Mm-hmm. Sheewee. So you've answered the question I wanted to ask just by describing that, but I wanted to know, it sounds like your dad is a very creative character. He's got wild parties where people are fucking in his kids' bedrooms. Yeah. And stank. he's got a mini horse and mini donkey menagerie going on.

Does he support and love what you're doing? It sounds like he's got a little bit of the performer or the bug in him or something. Oh, he does. He actually performed on a show called Blackout Diaries with me, where you tell drunk stories. And my dad afterwards, he made like, I don't know, 50 bucks or something. For tips or something? Yeah.

Yeah. Like the Booker came up and paid him 50 bucks for being on the show. And my dad was like, I don't see. how you're doing some shows for free, man. This is my first one. I already got 50. He lost his amateur status, though. He can't compete in the comedian Olympics.

That fucking sucks for him. I bet he was great, though. Yeah, I'd say that he's smashing that. Oh, yeah. He was great. One of my favorite stories is I tell the joke about when I came out to my daddy. So when I came out to my dad, I'd been dating a woman that looked just like Peter Pan. Which version?

like the OG from the 30s live action yeah yeah okay that checks out yeah I mean perfect beginner lesbian absolutely and like a pair of new balances so I was dating her and I didn't know how to tell my dad

and I was terrified to tell him like I had no idea how he was going to respond because I heard him calling people gay boys and queers growing up and so I showed him a picture and he goes he clears his third all the time damn sis that's one ugly fellow jerry clayton legend that's a that's amazing and then he said well shit I think this might be a

a woman do you know that yeah I said I'm I'm dating a woman daddy and he said well suck one once don't mean you gay okay that's pretty open-minded that's very open-minded because a lot of people where we know it's the exact opposite philosophy it's the exact opposite someone once no matter what else you do you're forever gay yeah so but was that him like saying

maybe you're not gay like to himself like it might be a I think it was him something happened he's telling himself he's not gay okay that's some good parties sounds like Yeah, yeah, well, I would prank call him for years after he told, after he said that to me. And I'd be like, just put me through. Jericho Clayton attorney at law, do you suck a dick or not? Because he did.

You don't suck one once in your shit. You suck to dick. Yeah, I mean, he said that so many times. Yeah. Badgering the witness over here. God damn. Yeah. How old were you when that interaction happened?

I believe I was 27 okay yeah I came out to it's been a while it's been a while a decade or so of him of everybody knowing the deal yeah

yeah yeah what's your deal now you like are you married or what she left me um oh man keep stepping in it over here don't date comedians

Is that what happened? Yeah. Yeah, it was like a big Jesus said, I'm so jealous of you to the point that I resent you. Said that? Yeah. Actually said that?

Yeah. That's crazy because usually like they don't say that and then you go, in your head you go, well, I know why. But like, God damn, like, hell that's at least good, you know. I'm like, well, at least it's because I'm so talented.

Right. Every time I was dumped by a woman, it was, you really suck at comedy and this ain't going nowhere. That was their line every time. So, yeah, that's way better. That's, like, particularly rough, though. That's so heartbreaking to be like,

so I did well in life and got myself into this scenario. I mean, at least you dodged a narcissistic bullet, but wow. I did. Yeah, we were together six and a half years. Oh, my God. She could have come home and been like, babe, let's go to City Hall and get married. And I'd have been like, let's do it.

And instead, she came home and said, I'm jealousness over. are y'all both still comedians in the same general saint like is she a new york comedian now and so are you like you got a she she is a new york comedian um i haven't ran into her because i get booked on better shows yeah right because you hit hard yeah right yeah that's the whole thing they're not like us they not like us that got me so fucking hype the way it's probably somebody i know and it's one of my friends but right this is this is probably somebody i know and it's one of my friends but right this is moment I hate this person. I'm all. Yeah. When did you start stand up?

Because like I know that you, you know, you were doing pageants when you were younger. Did you, was there part of you that always knew I wanted to end in stand up? Or were you just like, I want to be a performer and then through years of making smart ass jokes or, or in your case, probably a lot of like self-defense, self-deprecating stuff because of your situation? When was it that you finally were like, I'm going to stand in front of a microphone and do this shit? Well, I started stand-up for like real in 2009.

But I had my degrees in acting. I went to theater school. Then I did an internship working on New American plays. And their part of my apprenticeship was that you had to do one thing that you always wanted to do but terrifies you. And I said, stand up. And because everybody always told me how funny. I'm not suicide. Yeah.

well Oh, that's how you do it? Not me. No, I have pills. Pills all the way. Pills all the way, dude. Pills all the fucking way. That's the next album title.

But anyway, yeah. So you did this for like a school thing. Yeah. You stand up as part of that. Yep. And they called the local club, got me a five-minute spot on a Friday night show. Wow.

Wow. You never done it? Late Friday or early? I don't remember. What city? Louisville, Kentucky. At the caravan? Was it the caravan?

Yes, I think it was the campaign. Yes. Oh, Derbucker was the biggest dickhead in the world. That's the. Boy was like, I was on that show. You buried me. It might have been the case. If it was in 2009, I did not bury anybody.

Renan Hersberg was bumming around there. in 2009, I remember. And yeah, but it was a fun place to go to anyways. Go ahead. You did the fucking caravan. Your first set was on at an actual club on a Friday fucking night. Five minutes.

Did you have five? I had worked so hard. I mean, just, I mean, I was calling people. I was asking every person what do you call a vagina? And I wanted every name that there was. I had pages, pages of vagina.

names. I mean, we're talking pink taco, beef curtains. I had them all. And I thought that was very funny. And I got on stage and I started calling the women out that are in the audience and being like, well, I can just tell from your smile you got beef curtains, like that kind of thing. And all of us, and they hated me. And then look at this big old pussy bitch down here. See you in the front of it. And all of a sudden, this woman just goes, you're a bitch. But I had one joke that hit that got a laugh. I still remember it.

Growing up, I did a lot of beauty pageants. I was a lot like John Bonet Ramsey, except for my mom had drank more wine and my parents didn't kill me. And that one hit. And I was like, came off crying because they yelling I'm a bitch. And then like. But you still got one. I was like, but that one did good.

I need to try that again. And was that after you had made fun of everybody's pussy and got called a bitch that you did? So like that joke landed after all that? No, I think it was like one of the first ones I did. I was like, oh. That would be amazing. Let me just get them on my team real quick. And ruin it.

Well, that's classic. So was that that was the start of it in 2009 or you did that? And then that pushed you away for a while. And then in 2009, you came back for real. No, it didn't push me away. I did that. And then after that, I moved to Chicago. All my apprentice, other acting apprentice people went to New York.

And I went by myself to Chicago because I wanted to do comedy. And Chicago is comedy. There you go. How'd that, well, I mean, to be fair, so is New York, right? Were you going to do like Second City shit? Did you do that? Did you do all that, too? At one time, that's kind of a such, you know, there's a divide there.

There is like an improv stand-up divide. Yeah, right. So you did both? I did both. I did both, and then I kind of decided, oh, I like stand-up more. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

When did you move from Chicago to New York? 2016. Oh, all right. So you've been there for a while. Oh, yeah. Okay. I think I'd left right after you got there then, sounds like. Yeah, you missed it.

Drew, I feel like we did some show. We were on some show in New York together, but I don't remember what the show was. I mean, it would have been right before I left, I guess. Yeah. I was drinking a lot. I don't remember much. That is, I've had so many people come up to me in Chicago.

I'm like, Allie, great to see it. And I, like, you said earlier, Corey, I would be like, hey, buddy! Yeah, right. And then I'll be like, do you, like, do you, like, people realize I don't remember? And I'll be like, I was drunk the entire eight and a half years I lived here.

All right. There was a moment in New York where I wasn't drinking beer. I have a lot of stomach problems and I thought, I promise I'm getting to a point. I thought bread was issued so I quit drinking beer and I just couldn't afford liquor. So for a few months, my friends would see me and I wouldn't be drinking. And then the next time I drank in front of Caitlin Palufo, she was like, Drew, you sure? I was like, she like had observed that I had a drinking problem.

Yeah. I had observed that she hadn't seen me drinking. And that was so out of the ordinary that when she saw me drinking, she thought I'd fallen off the wagon. Yeah. Well, we all have our own stories of how we did in New York and how we handled the fact that, you know, we have this accent in New York. But moving to New York in 2016, with your accent, this accent took a real punch in the dick in 2016

because of the whole Trump thing. And, you know, like I said, we all could wax on forever about how we handled our accent in New York, but I've never talked to a woman about it. So how did that go over? Did you feel like you had to constantly do the origin story when you got on stage to make sure that they knew that you weren't one of the racist assholes? Or did you open with the pussy stuff? Well, yeah, just all of them. I love them.

Every single one you're thinking in your head, that was my first line. Like the beef curtain joke, you were doing that. Yeah. Yeah, but racial slurs. Yeah. Yeah, the accident, well, what's the most irritating is like when I meet somebody and I'm like, hey, I'm Allie. And they're like, well, hey there, Allie. Yeah.

Yeah, y'all all know. Like, people do that shit and it's so irritating. But a lot of times audiences will, like, kind of be curious. and like I'll say, I'll be like, I'm not doing a cookie character right now. Right, right. That's how it's going to be the whole time. That's the main thing I think, like in Los Angeles,

I've lived in Los Angeles almost as long. I've lived, I moved here in 27, like the very beginning of 2017. And like, still now to this day, I, like,

I go up in front of a general audience in Los Angeles. Like, I say something that lets them know, like, this is not a bid or a character, like that I really do talk this way. Because, for a while I was like, fuck them.

I'm just going to go up there and do material. They'll be with it or they won't, but like you could feel people being like when's a sheet on drop. Right. Confused. Like what it would. So this is, this is, this is, this is, this is. So now first, first, right out of the gate, I got to be like,

now character. I really talk this way. Now let's, you know, move on. Trey tell her the story. Yeah, tell her the story. It's a quick version of it. And you can tell her who it was if you want or you can tell her when we're off there, but please tell her the story.

I'll say who it was. Pete Holmes. Say the fucking story. To be fair, I'm not saying it in a fuck Pete Holmes way. I'm just like, that's who it was. He immediately... No, that's what you said. You meant it. He said it from your heart. He immediately addressed this and then also I did too the night that it happened,

so I don't think he would care that whatever people... But anyway, I did his show at Largo once after I first moved here and like, and I just... The first time I met him, I walked in there and was introduced to him by the owner, Flanny. And, you know, I was like, hey, I'm Traybam. Thanks for having me.

really appreciate whatever. And he goes, yeah, right on. It was like, you're, you're not going to do the voice all night, though, are you? Like back here and everything? And I was just like, I mean, probably on the count of this is just my voice, you know. And then when he introduced me, when he brought me on stage, he went out, he kind of made fun. He told them that he had done that.

And then he was like, as, you know, he said something like, as if there aren't hundreds of thousands of people who talk exactly like this. When I got done, he went up there and acknowledged it. But yeah, I had a bit about that for a while where I was saying, like, I feel like this is one of the only accents that gets that particular reaction. Like, I feel like, like, the thing I'm saying the bit was, like, if I was Irish and I walked up to the same guy, like, hey, too, thanks for hobby, me. It's good to be here.

I don't think anyone on earth would be like, you know, whoa, whoa, pump the brakes. Lucky Charms. We get, you know, like this accent for some reason people do that with. And I don't think they do it with any other one. I don't think like New York, Boston, Minnesota or English, Irish, whatever. It's just this one for some reason. I get a lot like you haven't lived in North Carolina since you were 21. Why do you still sell like that?

That too. Matter of fact, now that I'm thinking about that, I can't imagine what 21-year-old you sounded like because I'm sure it has faded a little bit. I mean, I definitely have. I think about that all the time because I have the lightest accent of the four of us. Now, I think in law school, they literally, and I've told the story before, I won't tell it, Allie, tried to get me to drop it or whatever. But I think about how redneck I've sounded like on old home movies. Y'all got to sound like cartoons.

I mean, I've told you all before how, like, in my hometown, I just met a guy, Drew, you were there, Richmond or whatever. There was a dude from my home county, but not Salina, like the neighboring town. And he swore that when he very first saw one of my videos on the internet, he swears that he told his wife, that guy's from Salina. He said he could tell like specifically that I was from the town I'm from. I'm from rural. Look at his teeth. Yeah, that too. But like people that's line of literally talked like that.

Like the boys I went to high school with, this is how thick their fucking accents was. And like, and I like, mine was much closer to that. My, my accent has dampened tremendously and it's still this thick. But the people that lose it so easily that leave there and lose it, like, I don't, I don't know how they do that. Like I really don't. I try to get rid of yours. So you did try, you did try Allie to lose it. And theater school.

Yeah. Exactly. My wife went to school when they did that. Doing auditions and shit out here. Like I did that. Like if I'm given another accent to fake, like I can do that usually. But just doing a standard flat American accent, my brain interprets that is like the absence of an accent. Just removing my accent and not adding a different one on top of it.

And I just can't do that shit. Like I can't just get rid of it, really. It's Heath Ledger and the Joker, if you ever want to try to copy one, watch him over and over again. Because he purposely made his as flat as possible to sound as creepy as possible. Well, he sounds wild as hell, though. He's like, my father was a dream. And a fiend. One night he goes off crazier than usual.

And Drew's like, you should mimic that guy. That guy sounds as normal as any white guy. same. Allie, on that note, and you're saying that you tried to drop it for, you know, theater or whatever, was there a moment,

where you just decided, fuck it, this is who I am, because that certainly happened to me. Early on when I was doing stand-up, I would be like, I don't want to talk about, you know,

fucking, here's your sign and all this stuff. So maybe I shouldn't do the accent. Maybe I should try to temper it down. And there are certain points like, this is just who the fuck I am, this is who I'm going to be. Did you have that moment? Or are you

still trying to lose it and you just fucking suck at it? No, no longer trying to lose it. Now I'm kind of like it's a good thing. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, for sure. We're back, baby. Yeah.

It sets me apart. Right. I had the unfortunate, awesome luck of going viral last week with a joke about my accent and do, dude, like a solid 20% of the comments. The joke's about like, hey, this is an Appalachian accent. Maybe you've heard of Appalachia. And then I do some jokes about the Appalachian accent.

20% of the comments, this ain't no Appalachian accent. Yeah, right. I'm sure we'll get that a lot. She's baking. Thank God. People are in like, this dude's from East Tennessee. Go, fuck yourself, lady. And I'm like, thank God the redneck's got my bad.

Yeah. Oh, that too, people think, like, yeah. Even people will be all the time like, I'm from the South or I'm from Tennessee or whatever. This is bullshit. This is not real. This guy's fake in this accent or whatever. Like the most egregious one to me, because when that happens on my videos and stuff,

I assume those people just hate me or they don't like what I'm saying. But when I did a couple episodes of the show Veronica Mars and I played this like little small character named Chattanooga Charlie, right? Literally. And so I just talked the way that I talk, of course, because the guy was from the Chattanooga area, which is an hour away from where I could. grew up and like,

when that came out, there were people commenting on it on like social media and stuff. We were saying like, pretty good episode, but I don't know where they found that Chattanooga Charlie guy, but that was the worst to Southern accent I've ever heard. Or like that is, that's not even remotely close to a Tennessee accent. That actor, whatever he was doing, that was insulting, you know.

And I'm like, I'm from there and I just talk this way. Yeah, I get that type of shit all the time. I've had people comment on mine that say, I'm from the area that this guy purports to be, and he is not from here. And I want to be like, if you were actually from the area that I purport to be, we would have went to a party together.

Like, we would have nearly together. Did anyone catch that Corey went Foxworthy first? If you were. And I threw the word purport in there, which means I went Crowder. Yeah. I love that y'all think I've watched enough Foxworthy to. What?

You don't know. You don't fuck with Foxworthy? You avoided Foxworthy somehow? Uh-huh. Dude. You were not exposed to Foxworthy as a- No, I was exposed. I would be honest, between them all,

Ron White was my favorite. Well, yeah, for sure. That's fine. But I... Me and you were the same age, like, we're the exact same age. And, like... Foxworthy was like Mickey Mouse.

He was ubiquitous in my childhood, in my hometown. Like, you couldn't everybody knew every word of every Foxworthy album and bit and everything. Like, I don't know. how you could have avoided it. Oh, no.

I didn't avoid it, but, yeah, I mean, just like if we had the DVDs or whatever, I'd just be like, fast forward to Ron White. I just loved him so much. Oh, yeah. I mean, Ron's great. But like, even, like, you know, we're Foxworthy hipsters because, like, when the blue collar comedy tour came out, I was like, hell yeah, Fox Brothers is finally making the big time, I guess, you know, or whatever.

That was like in our minds. But, yeah, I mean, like Trace said, he was sort of like Mickey Mouse. Like he was the reason that I even knew that I could do stand-up. I didn't think they let people with our accents do stand-up until I heard him. You know what I mean? I mean, that's a really good point. No, that's a great point. Yeah, because it was always like Johnny Carson would always say from the comedy store in

L.A. or from the seller in New York and nobody area. He never said from the chuckled dick fuck in, you know, West by God, you know, Alpharetta. Yeah. Tell us about the album. The one named after Tray. Yeah. Country queer. So it is, I mean, a lot of family content in there, a lot about coming out.

I have a four-track story about in 2009 when I first moved to Chicago. I was not out. And a friend came out to me, but we didn't know where any lesbians were. Like, I was like, we got to kiss one to find out if we're gay. But then we were like, but where are they? We don't know where they're at. And so we Googled it. In Chicago?

Probably asked Jeeves or whatever. And they said, it said, all the lesbians were at a place called cubbyhole in New York City. So we got flights. What? You left Chicago? You sweet summer, Kyle? Yes. Just to kill me.

a woman. I got my parents to pay for it. I was like, I can afford my hostel, but I can't get the flight. And these are some big comedy opportunities for me. See, we really are all the same because I've done wilder stuff to get a girl to kiss me too. That's pretty great. Yeah, I call that the Pussy Hunt of 2009. And let me tell you guys, success.

Oh, yeah. I know. It was all around. So, yeah, it wasn't bad. information the cubby hole in New York. Okay. Oh my God. How do you want people to check it out?

Like you got a preferred source or whatever? I mean, it's streaming on all the platforms. You can go to Blonde Medicine's website and buy a download. You can buy the vinyl. And I know you're on tour right now too. Give us some dates. Promote your tour. Do everything.

Promote everything you got because everybody loves you and wants to come see you. Oh, that's so nice, y'all. I am, well, all my dates are on my Instagram at Allie Clayton Comedy. But my bigger ones are, if you are near Kalamazoo, Michigan, on June 21st, I'm headlining the Lucky Wolf Theater. If you are in Chicago, June 22nd, I'm headlining the Lincoln Lodge. And, oh, and I'm doing Green Bay, Wisconsin is a don't tell show. I'm headlining this weekend. And, yes.

Nice. Nice, no tell. And then I'll be back at the laughing tap where I recorded my album to do an album release show and party on the 28th in Milwaukee. Hell yeah. Well, y'all go see her. Go ahead and plug your shit, Tray. Yeah, no, this was great, very funny. Thanks for coming on.

Yeah, we got outclassed in every fucking regard. I mean, the credentials, the background, the history of those. Yeah, you out, you out Southern. gentried Corey and then out white trashed tray and I understand yeah right yeah yeah yeah wild pretty wild but it was it was fun like I said at the very top

feels like it was long overdue so I'm glad this finally happened yeah I think I've been in all of your DMs yeah so but yeah this was great yeah I'll be I got some California shows on the tour next up the Brea Improv and then Levity Live

in Oxnard and then the San Jose Improv, all coming up soon. And then after that, Tulsa, Oklahoma, I believe, go to Trey Crowder.com and check them all out. Come see me. Yeah. I will be in San Diego this week when this comes out on Friday filming a don't tell.

So if you want to go to the Don't Tell San Diego website, they're doing the special taping. You can see the link. The Bristol show is postponed because the club's not ready, guys. So Bristol folks, you're going to have to wait until the fall or Nashville, June 26. I've been plugging on here for a while. It's going to be great.

I'm headlining the big room. I'm very nervous about it. Allie's going to be there. Corey will be there. Trey will be there. They're all doing 30 minutes. I think Kevin Hart's coming in. It's right.

Great time. I heard, we can't confirm, but now that Cosby's out of jail, we're going to get him there, and we're going to beat him up. So it's something for everybody. Zanee's Comedy Club, June 26th. Please come, buy the tickets.

Appreciate y'all. I ain't doing shit. So go to bonus Corey. So go to bonus cori.com and subscribe for my bonus stuff. Bonus. It's not bonus anymore if I'm not doing any other stuff. It's just now the stuff that I do. I'm just going to change it to the stuff.com.

Corey.com. Yeah, bonus Corey.com. I just put out a couple new essays, one on cicadas that is nice. And I do podcasts and stuff. But hey, more importantly, you all go support. get that album country queer go see her on tour and uh before we go if i may thank you all for listening to the well-read show we'd love to stick around longer but we got to go to the next week if you got nothing to do thank you god bless you good night and skew

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