wellRED podcast - #40 - Check Your Boobies! w/ Caitlin Brodnick!

Episode Date: November 8, 2017

This week we sit down with the AMAZING Caitlin Brodnick! Caitlin Brodnick is a performer on Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre's Maude Night. She performs sketch, standup, and storytelling regularly in New York City and Los Angeles. She is a writer for Glamour.com, and a blogger for Huffington Post. Her stories have been featured on the MOTH podcast, and quoted by the AV Club. As a breast cancer awareness advocate, and she has been invited to speak at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium and various locations in New York City.Caitlin works closely with the organization FORCE, and Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital as a breast cancer awareness advocate, helping to connect with other women who are BRCA positive.Caitlin created and starred in the docu-series with Condé Nast Entertainment and Glamour.com, Screw You Cancer.Screw You Cancer won a National Magazine Honors Award ASME for excellence in new media. She is also an honoree of the Seventh Annual Television Academy Honors, for using the power of television and video media to bring awareness to important social issues.We discuss her new book: Dangerous Boobies: Breaking Up with My Time-Bomb Breasts. The book goes in depth into her experience from testing to surgery and on to recovery. With a warm, funny, and approachable voice, Caitlin tells readers the full story, even sharing what it was like to go from a size 32G bra--giant, for a woman who is barely over five feet tall!--to a 32C. Engaging and open, she admits to having hated her breasts long before her surgery, and enjoying the process of "designing" her new breasts, from the shape of the breasts to the size and color of the nipples. http://www.caitlinbrodnick.com for more of Caitlin wellredcomedy.com for our tour dates:)

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app

that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture,

including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different

language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app,

lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was money.

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first. But then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney dot com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast they're the well drew dead i don't think i picked up yeah drew is dead i am dead i'm taking it's called colloidal

silver is some witch shit but i think this like it kills everything in your body like after you take it You're supposed to take probiotics. While we're here, we're on tour. Wellredcom, W-E-L-L-R-E-D. Comedy.com spelled just like the podcast. About to do a whole week in North Carolina. Then we're off to Denver, Chattanooga, Nashville, Orlando.

That's going to turn into Tampa, Atlanta, and Birmingham, and wrap up our 2017 venture. You can get all those tickets, like I said, at well-red comedy.com. You can also grab our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark, and sign up for our newsletter

because then shit's just fucking way easier. Okay, well, I'm done. It is Tuesday, November 7th. We are in the green room at Gramercy Theater in New York City, where we have two shows tonight as part of the New York Comedy Festival. Pretty sweet. The only thing that ain't sweet about it is that we have to leave. But, I mean, I love North Carolina, and I love the city of Raleigh,

and I'm looking forward to being there. But this is the first night of this festival. festival and this festival has a lot of really cool shit going on it does the rest of this week and we're not going to be here for any of it and i'm sick so even if i want to go out and hit tonight i'm not going to feel like it and how do y'all feel i bowels are a wreck everything about me we uh we got in yesterday we had shit to do today during the day um before the shows and for me at least i it's it's literally impossible for me to come from Los Angeles and arrive in time to do shit during the day. Sure. Like, I left at 6 a.m. yesterday and got here at fucking 3 o'clock. Like, the earliest I can get here is 3 or 4 o'clock.

So that's why I came in yesterday. But y'all were here also. And so what that means is, we're in town a day early in New York City, no shows to do or nothing. We got drunk. Yeah. I didn't. I had four drinks yesterday. I just am sick. Well, you don't hit. No, you don't hit. I don't hit. Me and you, we do hit. We got drunk.

So drunk. I stumbled into my, I want to say hotel room, but my box that I got in at like 3.30 in the morning, chugged the coconut water, fell asleep, dick in hand. Is it the one of y'all ever woke up with the hiccups? No. I didn't know you could do that. No. I did this morning. That's terrible.

I had a nightmare where I had the hiccups. I was hiccuping and then I woke up. That is a nightmare. And was hiccuping in real life in my sleep. That sucks. Again, I didn't know that was possible. Now, I've certainly... But it is.

Back when my asthma was worse, especially, like when I was a kid, I would wake up. I would have a dream. I couldn't breathe and then I woke up and couldn't breathe. But hiccups, I don't know how you get them while you're asleep. Me neither. But I had them at the end of the night. night because I got I got hiccup drunk is what I'm saying yeah I mean do y'all do that you get I know I know I know usually especially if I mix cratum and alcohol I will absolutely before the end of the

night get the hiccups and it will suck well that happened to me last night so I'm in the comedy cellar trying to hang out be cool like you do yeah not like I do I'm very bad at that and uh and And so we're all sitting there drinking, people's talking, you know, we're meeting other comics and shit and yada yada. And I'm just sitting at the table totally stone silent the whole time because I can't stop hiccuping. It really, really sucked. And then went home, thought I got rid of them, went to bed, and then woke up at 7.30 this morning, hiccuping in my sleep. That's the worst. It was a fucking nightmare, man.

I woke up. I feel like shit today. I woke up at 8, just like, just hating. no seven excuse me just hating everything but i'd gone to bed well it's the thing i didn't i came home came home at 11 i was asleep by midnight i woke up at seven but i didn't sleep well and anyway i'm just sick it don't hit yeah you we just we got like all sorts of excuses you just got you just got tuck my body just don't hit well speaking of hiccups speaking of bodies that don't hit uh we got very special guess this week um um uh i heard

body didn't hit in a very specific way. Her name's Caitlin Broadneck and she had a preventative double mastectomy because she was told by a geneticist that she had an 87% chance of contracting breast cancer. Heavy shit, we know, but she's a very bubbly and effusive sweetheart of a personality and also a comedian. So she makes that horrific subject matter palatable. Almost fun. She had like a teacher's way of like, oh, I'm learning so much about this awful thing.

So that's what... She got to book out, dangerous boobies, breaking up with my time bomb breasts. We will get to that interview and talk more about her book. Yeah, we will later. But first, nothing hits, nothing at all. What I was going to say, speaking of hiccups, did you see this shit with... It's Rand Paul. I always, because there's Paul Ryan, Ron Paul, and Rand Paul.

This was Rand Paul, Kentucky, right? Kentucky, yeah. Yes. Oh, boy, just whipped his ass. No, but the head. His neighbor broke five of his ribs. Well, it don't, I mean, he like, it's not like Rand Paul was talking shit and gotten a fight. That would have hit, but like this dude just like came up and attacked him, right?

No. Oh, really? The two competing narratives right now is that someone's having an affair, we're not sure who. Oh, fuck. I didn't know anything about this. And the other competing narrative is they've had some sort of woodchip and leave dispute. That's been going on for 10 years, his literal next door neighbor. You're next door neighbor.

Don't just come up and just whip your ass. You're right. I didn't know this. And one of the things the media is like attached to is they're like, uh, this is like, I think it's a fourth degree assault that they get, I think might be a misdemeanor or a real. And they're like, when you break somebody's ribs, you get regular felonies. Yeah. What's happening here?

But, you know, and who can't. I mean, who actually gives a shit in terms of like what's going on in the world. But I think it's hilarious that while I'm reading it. He's in Kentucky. And they're saying, well, it was either other. over leaves or a woman and I'm like either way old boy whipped his ass is what happened. Sometimes you get your ass whipped by an old boy. Yeah. The picture was very

old boy too. This is very, I haven't seen that part. Unfair, obviously, but like there's just no doubt my mind that Rand Paul had it had it come and like without it out by that old boy. You would say that. He'd either been fucking that old boy's wife or fucking his goddamn yard up for too long. You would say that and be right. No matter what party he was affiliated with too.

Like someone in a political family for that long with that good of hair and that much power, he deserved his ass whip for something. Sure. He looks like a poodle. Yeah. We're wearing jeans. He's like a libertarian poodle. It's like, don't tread on my curls.

Yeah. No, I didn't, honestly, dude, I just saw Rand Paul gets attacked at home and my brain jumped straight to somebody, some fanatic that he don't have. it was a political thing. But like, yeah, again, if it's your neighbor and y'all been neighbors for 10 years and he's waited 10 years to whoop your ass, you know what I mean? Yeah. Something has happened.

Something has fucking happened. And also, I don't think it'd be a political thing because if you can afford to be his neighbor in Kentucky, you're a Republican. Right. Well, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's true. His neighbor has, you said the picture was very old boy-ass, but that surprised me. Not redneck, old boy. Like Jim McElwain looking.

Okay, all right. Because I was thinking, like, when you were talking about it, I was like, Ram Paul's neighbor Has to be. What was his name? Billy Carter? Yeah. He had a very Billy Carter-esque look to him.

Well, that hits. It does hit. I wish it was just Mark Stoops. That whipped his ass? Yeah. And no one had mentioned it yet because everybody forgets Kentucky has a football team.

They just whipped our ass. We don't hit. Anyway, moving on. Y'all don't hit. Oh, we don't hit. Go balls. Well, y'all having fun of New York. Yeah, I'm having a blast.

I'm destroyed right now as we've covered, but I had a great meal today, which is partly responsible for that. It was different for me being here, like, you know, as a visitor. I think I enjoyed it more than when I lived here. Yeah, because you know you get to leave. And I didn't, you know, so it wasn't like, get up, go to work, do this, have these responsibilities. Like, we had shit to do, obviously, but we could also take our time yesterday and I was a total

tourist, so that was pretty cool. Oh, boy's name is Renee Boucher. Good Lord. René Bouchet? Yeah. Well, that's Bobby Boucher's name too. That's his daddy. Yeah.

Take the money, dummy. I would love it if somehow that was the guy. My mama said, my mama said Alice didn't shrug at all. Fuck you. A retired anesthesiologist went over and put his ass to sleep. Lord. Hey, yo. God, yeah, I'm so.

Is he a Louisiana boy or a Frenchman? He's got to be a Louisiana boy. Because he whips him his ass, you just can't have it. He ain't. France. No way. France did that. That's so funny.

He didn't move. Oh, fuck me. I'm trying to get the story here. Is that him? Is that what he looks like? Oh, Rand Paul lives in fucking Bowling Green. Bolling Green's like 45 minutes from Salina.

That ain't the hell I've been to Bowling Green. It's what cage of elephants from. Yeah. They do hit. And one in the Mustang Hall of Fine. or Corvette Hall of Fame? I have no idea, buddy. It's one of them.

It's in Bowling Green. How'd they get that? I don't know. Mustang. You sure it ain't like a Fiesta Hall of Fame? Listen to what his other neighbors said. We don't have squabbles out here. If you can afford to live here, you tend to your own business.

Lord, I wish you to whip that guys out of that guy. No, she'll probably will. It's just some old boys made good being a little. an anesthesiologist. He's about to whip everybody's ass in the neighborhood. He and, this dude has got to be cogent.

He's just a smart agent doctor because listen to this. Mr. Boucher practiced for many years as an anesthesiologist and invented a rice-filled vest used for back pain. God damn. Put that up with bull-d-a-

Well, when Mama had back pain, she just wore a rice vest around. That may have feel better. What are we going to do with all this rice? I have a vest. Well, say you, Kathy. I'm going to strap this mess with rice to hit back. I want to see what happens. I want to see the look on the dude's face when it worked, like at the patent office or something.

God damn, it does heal your back. He's also caging in terms of it. He's like, I'm going to be a doctor, but which is the one that you get to have that laughing gas made? That hits for me. I'll do that. I know how to get people so fucked up. They fall asleep for four hours. Yeah. I've been doing that my whole life, baby. That dude is a registered Democrat. Well, the plot has thickened. Very much so. Now I think he's French.

Like a good ruin my gumbo. But the plot has thickened. They said the dispute had more to do with long simmering tensions over their adjacent properties than with politics. I just... There's a neighbor-to-neighbor thing. They had strong opinions and different ones about what property rights mean. Oh, really? Rand Paul had some interesting property rights opinions.

Well, I love. love that, you know, now with his philosophy, what can he really do to this man? You guys had a dispute over property, and he has whipped your ass. Don't get the government involved. I just like it that Rand Paul has been treaded upon. Yeah. That really hits for me. Where's your snake now, pussy? But that's what I'm saying. It gets a free market out there, buddy, and you just don't hit as hard as Boucher. Mm-hmm. Try just reading now. He's on ESPN at this point. Find out anything else interesting? No, but fuck you to death. What?

What? You shitting on me for reading over here. I've been giving some hits out. You have been giving some... I thought that you... All of a sudden, it just ain't hitting for you no more. All right. You wasn't saying nothing.

It does hit. I was trying to find more hits in it. I'm sorry. Mining for hits. Trey is irritable when he wakes up with hiccups. Yeah. Y'all don't hit. Fair enough.

What else is going on, Drew? You mean in the world? Trump's in Asia. He's been to a few different spots. There was a hilarious meme where there's... He told, the Emperor of Japan You don't hit

Probably yeah But he told him Well you know This kind of thing Talking about that shooting in Texas He's like this kind of thing Can happen anywhere And it literally

Never happens there Yeah Or anywhere else really But here They do still have an emperor That's kind of fucked up Yeah There's a weird word

To still be I agree I mean There's places to have kings And shit Yeah That heads for me Kings hit

But emperors don't thing. Nah. You just don't like China stuff. I do like China stuff. No, you don't. You hate China. No, China's okay.

It was Japan, but anyway. Oh, look at you. I know that. I'm saying all that is China stuff to him because he hates it all. Is Emperor just China and Japan? Because when I think Emperor, I don't go straight to that way. What do I think? Did you hate Emperor because of Star Wars?

Maybe. I may be in doctrine with that. Well, that cartoon about getting a groove. back or something. Emperor's New Gros and I hate it's for me. Oh, that movie fucking hits. It's so good. That movie's hilarious.

Yeah. Well, I mean, we sort of. Oh, he's a show. It's a huge show. We sort of brought it up and this is a huge downer but there has been yet another fucking shooting in America and nothing is happening and we're not allowed to politicize keeping humans safe, which, you know, or be like one of the top five things politics is four.

You're only not allowed to politicize keeping them. When it ain't a Muslim. Well, no, or whatever. We'll politicize keeping them safe in a bathroom. Just, you know, not with, it's so weird. Well, also, if it was a Muslim, oh, yeah. They'd be like, this is why we need stricter immigration, you know, whatever. Travel ban was a good idea.

We told you that's exactly what it is. Well, he was a white guy. Well, let's not politicize this, okay. Our buddy. Fucking liberals, always insensitive politicizing everything. Our buddy Tietz, who has been in the news, recently. because he is representing a litany of raisins actually because he is he is representing the um and an equality group who is suing the city of portland tennessee uh for the right to have drag shows but he he had we can go into that in a minute he had a post yeah he had a post

talking about and i thought that's a great point he said uh you know we can't do nothing about terrorism terrorism's going to happen no matter what we do matter what laws we pass no matter what we come up with, there's no way to prevent terrorism or even stop one single terrorist attack and then he like scrolls down or whatever and it's like, go back and do gun shooting, mass shootings and tell me how stupid

you sound now. Because that is like a big argument on the ride. It's like, well, getting rid of the guns, we can't do nothing about it. They can never do anything about it. It's just bullshit. Yeah, you're saying that that's the only well, maybe not the only, but one of the only situations in which they apply that lot. Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me, That they're being hypocritical. Surely not. Well, it's just he's got a point that's like, if your logic that you apply to these mass shootings, you can't stop them. You know, there's crazy people out there. If we apply that to terrorism, where are we? No, dude, that's what I mean. And a lot of, a lot of people said it on that same day, but after the Vegas thing in that one video that I'm, it's like the Patriot Act.

Like, that wasn't what you was saying when the fucking Patriot Act was going on. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. That also ain't what you say about weed. like to a lesser degree it's like well just drugs in general

exactly it's like just say no to drugs yeah like just well we can't do nothing about drugs no matter what we do

so we shouldn't have any laws at all exactly that's exactly what they're saying but the thing is like I kind of believe that but like I'm consistent at least is what I'm saying

sure um ask Trey real quick well something don't help of course nothing has oh

I mean mean, do I have cash? How much cash? After last night, I don't think I got much. Oh, hold on. Let me check. Oh, wait, I do have some. Oh, no, don't spend it all. I think you gave a lot of it to me. I did. That's a nice change of pace. They're hilarious. Thanks, Nat. We will. That rude interruption brought to you by our manager, Nat Goldberg. Say hey to everybody. If you couldn't hear it, she just screamed Jew and then disappeared.

She is a Jew, so she's allowed to do that. Disappear. I mean, anybody's allowed to. Oh, shit. Yeah. I didn't mean that. Oh, God, damn it. I'm leaving it in.

I got to own that one. Well, anyway. But anyway, guns don't hit. What about? I mean, guns hit. I mean, guns do hit, but, yeah, what, tates. Guns are mariucci. I got to pay.

Tates. Yeah, he is currently, Kevin Teach Jr., he's a lawyer, you can find him on the internet, he's currently, he's posted an open letter that he's sent to us out. He's representing a group who is suing the city of Portland, Tennessee, because they are trying to ban drag performances in the city. And it's been an ongoing thing. So the city government of Portland, Tennessee is trying to, they're trying to pass a legislation that specifically bans drag shows. Yeah, and my. And this group, this equality group, is. suing the city and Tate's is representing them?

Yes. It does it. And that just like so, Tate's. So, hell yeah. He, and if I get the, you know, you can go look on your own people at there listening. So, and if I mess up the way the case went. Yeah, come on. You know, like I said, fact check me.

But my understanding of the history of this has been. No. No, that's not ours. No, I don't think so. You know, is that vials? maybe bow's in the other room it's none of our

is that your story? He's in the other room sorry that's all right so what I was saying is fact check me here you know read up on it get the articles yourself

but what I think has happened was they came out with a law that was blatantly like no drag shows in Portland and they got a lawsuit filed and an injunction and it was pretty obvious

even to their own lawyers pretty early on they were like yeah we can't do that. Uh-huh. So whoever's sponsoring these bills brought a new bill back to the board. It's like the city council board or whatever.

And now what they're trying to do is ban adult-oriented or adult-themed shows because there's a lot of case law out there that says you can't ban completely necessarily, but you can zone like strip clubs and porn stores. Like you don't want them next to a school. And there's studies that show that in areas where there's a lot of strip clubs and porn stores, there's also crime. and so a city has a true government interest in moving those to certain parts of the city or banning them for certain parts of the city.

And of course, now the argument, you guys, I mean, you don't have to be a lawyer to come over with that, is like, okay, but that's not what a drag show is. They don't get naked. It's not an erotic show. They don't get their dicks out. It's none of that. It's, you know, it's fucking karaoke with makeup on. They get fairly erotic at times.

Oh, you mean like all the humping? I fucking love drag shows. I have so much fun at drag shows. They're so much fun, dude. So now they're in that area where you can regulate certain activities if they're considered erotic. But it's not like a drag bar that has shows every night. So that's like one of the big arguments is like, well, yeah, a strip club that has strip shows every single night. That might bring crime into a neighborhood.

But if there's a drag show once a month at a bar, is that really going to bring the crime rate up A? And then B, in my experience, most drag shows, obviously there's a lot of drag king. but for the most part it's drag queens, which means gay men, gay men only bring property values up and increase the value. Also, stereotypically, the crimes being committed at drag shows

are from assholes to the drag performers. This is wholly anecdotal, but it's related and I feel obligated to share with you all the fact that I used to know a guy that came into old Charlie's all the time what got stabbed in the neck by a broken off crack pipe at the gay bar in Cookville. So, I mean, it does happen.

Wow. Yeah. you mean there are sometimes violent occurrences at bars that happen to have gay people in them? Well, it was a gay bar. You were talking about, you said you guys were, I just, I hear you. No, I'm on your team. What did I say? I'm not trying at all to make the argument that gay bars bring crime around.

You guys were talking about gay people bring property values up. Only crime that happens is from assholes against them. and I had already been thinking his boyfriend. Nice. Yeah. But it wasn't my uncle, or, well, I mean, I wasn't my great uncle. It wasn't Cory's uncle. Right.

You know, he wasn't there doing some gay bashing. It was gay on gay crime. Well, yeah, that's what you don't hear about in the media. No, they ain't covering it. Not liberal media. Ain't covering the gay on gay violence out here. No, I mean, I hear what you're saying, but what I'm saying is the studies. I literally just think.

That's a wild story I wanted to share it. I'm not saying, I'm not saying anything. I know you're not saying, but I wonder, I know you're not saying that that means anything necessarily, but I wonder if I express myself correctly. The government has to prove not that violence or crime or whatever happens, like a correlation between the amount of crime and violence before a strip club comes into this area. And then more crime after it comes in. That's what they really need to show,

studies that they're worried about. And there's just no study on that in drag bars or gay bars. There's just no, like, it's not out there. And, you know, one of Kevin's points is, if it was out there, y'all had to send it to me by now. Sure. Like, this would have been your opening argument. Oh, yeah. So the ACLU's been hitting him up, I know, and it's getting some play in the media, and he's doing, he's doing the Lord's work.

You think those ever been a redneck go to get drug to a drag show and just go, where's the cars? It took me a minute to do what you meant So on that note I know that we have taught Off Mike I know about this And I can't remember if we talked about it on here And I don't think so But like

Every now and then I'll think about this And I'm retroactively like man that shit was wild But maybe y'all did the same thing In high school When I was in high school We had a fundraiser once Yes We had a drag show

He brings that up They do that in the town He's got evidence And all my redness buddy my dude literally the most red ass buddy I've got

Kobe when my best friend red as fuck won the drag show I won ours Kobe won the drag show he's the reddest motherfucker you'll ever

meet in your life that's what's up with that that's wild dude the powder puck football game is just drag with football it's dudes dress up like cheerleaders

chicks playing football what you don't have the powder puff where the girls play football and the boys get in cheer we wear cheer and outfits wigs, wear makeup, we all did it.

But Teets has found, like, I think, video, maybe not video. That's one of his arguments, and he has, like, evidence, like, if you pass this law, technically every year for homecoming, one of your fundraisers is out the door. But y'all ain't trying to get after that. That's the whole point. You're just, like, dude, teats and the Portland thing aside for a second. Yeah, yeah, you're just like that happened where we're from. That's wild, ain't it?

Yeah. Like, who, how did that become a thing? That's also. It's also. really is a thing. That's also wild how those two somehow they think that's different. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's like, whoever,

whoever suggested that and then all the redneck parents were just like, yeah, hell, that'll hit. Yeah, that's fine. It's funny when he's in a skirt. But not if they're actually gay. That's so fucking bizarre. Pretty much. I want to go back to the year that I did it and see if there's any people who.

You could see Kobe's balls. He was a total slut about it. That's why he won. That's why he won. the sluts always win the beauty yeah he let it all hang out I was very tastefully dressed I'm certain

I was beautiful high cheekbones my buddy bane y'all know bane big old boy he looked like a big ass version of the chick from the ring

he was terrifying the fucking wig he had on his step boy it was a nightmare Thompson was hitting no I guarantee you I just remembered I was a freshman

and this junior or senior on the football team was like upset at how I looked and now looking back on it with the knowledge that I have about how the world works

he was mad that I was making him feel some gay things or whatever because I remember he kept being like I mean Drew has to win he's the best looking one

but that's why I don't want him to win it's coming out here and making my dick hard and stuff god damn this is bullshit kick him off the football team coach a fucking queer is making my dick hard I mean

God damn it That was fucking hilarious Well I think I got a new five just now Winning the goddamn Drag beauty That's a perfect way Contest And we raise money for our school that way

God damn it I don't know that I'm allowed to title this That queer's making my dick hard But I really want to so bad That's fucking fantastic Well guys We have a show We do have a show.

I guess we aren't wrap it up. I don't know of a better closer than that queer's making my tick art. God damn it. Thank you guys, as always, for joining us here on the well-read podcast. Enjoy this interview with Caitlin Brodnick and by her book. Dangerous movies. Breaking up with my time bomb bruce. All right, y'all.

Available now. All right, we love you. See you next time. well how's that sound good okay awesome we are rolling right corey okay sweet

hi kately hi how you do it I'm good it's good to see you we know each other it's really good to see you guys and you're and you're fat pregnant belly

and my big belly oh you're not supposed to say fat you're supposed to say big I gave my husband a list of things he couldn't say I was he couldn't say I was tubelard big whale do wait you had to write that one Dan

was just sitting there eating dinner and he's like I haven't even thought of these things. And I was like, you can't say I'm so fat if I step on a rainbow skittles pop out. Like the things that kids would say to you. Yeah. You were afraid of your mama's so fat jokes? Yeah, I want. Because you're now a mama. Yeah. I am a mama and I am fat now. Yeah. And I have, this baby is so big, you guys. He's a huge baby. And like, I had a starburst right before we recorded this and he's kicking me so hard. He wants more. He wants more. Or he's very disappointed in me. What color was it? Orange. He should be fine.

Yeah, he's good. Yeah, he should be fine. When's it due? When's he due? He's not due till February, but we think he might come late January. Okay. Because every time we measure it, he's measuring a little bit bigger. Is that how that works if they get real big, they come quick?

No, but I also, no, but I, but I, but I, we just thought it. Yeah, we just thought it. No, because, like, you can't get sometimes the exact day or, you know, that his age exactly perfect. You can't get it perfectly, but I do think he came the first time we ever tried. I do think he was like a Wham Bam immediate baby. Yeah, that's pretty awesome.

Yeah, he knows what he wants. Right. He knows what he wants. You guys were on time with your plans. Yeah, it's nuts. It was nuts. I was not expecting it. It was a shock because everyone says, like,

try for years. Everybody tells you it takes forever. And then we were like two teenagers. Molly and Alan. Alan Arthur. It wasn't my, that I had a similar experience. Like we were,

it was, we didn't have to try really at all. But I know and have known plenty of friends of mine couples that that was not the case. Well, yeah, same here. You know, it was actually really, really hard. And you don't want to be like, you don't want to assume it. You just want to be, you know, just very understanding and know that it's hard.

But yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't. It was very easy. Corey, did you just offer Caitlin a beer? He did. He did. The baby wants a beer, but we're making him wait a little bit. Well, you said he does things early.

He knows what he wants. He knows what he wants. He's a. bossy white boy already which is the problem so kailan you are and we would have mentioned this i guess in the intro oh good they're vacuuming what is that it's a cold machine whatever um your stand-up comic that's how we met you an improviser yeah actor uh that commercial you were in was hilarious by the way and now an author and we're gonna get in all that but i want to go back to when we met you well i had i knew you known you already no i didn't think so so it's when tray and i both met you you're based in

New York and I was at the time too, but I'd never met you. We had not met, but we met the, like, the first night. Of the Cape Fear Comedy Festival in Wilmington, North Carolina in 2013? Something young. Something early. Sounds accurate. And then I wasn't drinking because I don't drink. And you weren't drinking because you were having like stomach things or heart things

or some other, some kind of medical things. That was the year I almost died. Yeah, that was it. There's been a couple years like that in my life. Yeah, it was a fun time. I was drinking. Well, I was smoking weed. Right.

And then we just started talking, and I'm an overshare where I'll just tell you everything about me within the first five minutes, and that's how we became friends. Right. And you started, I don't know if this is right when we met, but you started talking about Alan, your boyfriend at the time now, husband or husband at that time? Husband at the time. He worked at a place that at that time called Cannibal. Uh-huh. And it's like a barbecue joint. It's a beer, yeah, a beer place.

You weren't there at that moment. And then you started noticing that it was making our mutual friend, training. his mutual friend Matthew Shadorn. So uncomfortable. He's a vegan and he's also very, I don't think he'd mind me saying and if he does, I don't give a shit, neurotic. Yeah, and a proud vegan. Yes.

And you were noticing that he's getting uncomfortable, but instead of reacting either by being like, I'm sorry, I'll stop or even like making fun of him, you pretended not to notice and just kept going. He started describing all the meat plates. If I have a story to tell, I'm going to tell it. With details. You know, you're just part of the. Carnage.

Chedorn is also, I mean, and you had just met him, but Chedorn is one of those people that, like, it's fun to make him uncomfortable. Right. I don't even realize it. Because it's humorous. I don't believe you. I don't realize it. And then when you guys started laughing, I was like, oh, this is fun. Okay.

And then he started sweating. And there was a moment where he goes, oh, my God, I think I'm going to faint because you were like, you know, and there's just like meat trays. And sometimes it's like medium rare. There's just blood all over it. I mean, at least in my head. That's, like, the detail you were going into. Well, they have a pig's head that they're famous for. And they put a pig's head.

Put a pig's head on a platter and you eat the eyeball and the ears and the snout. And right at that moment, she'd going to go, I'm going to faint. Yeah. And I thought he was joking. I just met him. I'm like, you're a guy. I don't know. I think that's very judgmental of me to think all men are comfortable.

And he was not comfortable. No. And that was fun for you guys. It was so much fun. He was so upset. Where is this fucking place? It's here. It's on like 28th Street.

You're close to it. You're on 23rd right now. for everybody listening. We might have the exact location. Fucking can't. So then later that night, we were giving you a ride home. Shadorn was driving because you were drunk. I guess you didn't want, maybe he just volunteered and I was too high.

He volunteered. It was his car and I think he was drunk. That's right. It was his car. And he was drunk. And I didn't know him enough to go like, oh, this is a problem. But I was like, all right, you guys are fun. Really?

I could get murdered in so many states. Anyway. I was so. I get murdered. Probably 50. Probably 50. I'm a very easy target. So I was like, let's go, because we were all staying at the same hotel.

Right. Not in the same room in the same hotel, because that's where all the performers stayed. And he was driving, and it was a risky, rough drive home. And he was nervous. And he had to drive through all these cones. Like, it was the time, like, of course, like, it's late at night. And he had, like, all these cones. And he had to do, like, an obstacle course while being drunk.

And we then proceeded to talk more about meats. And to make fun at him and his driving. Yeah. Well, what you were doing that was killing me. As you were saying to Matt, you were like, oh my God, you're doing so good, stay calm, you're totally getting through these cones, you're doing great. And then you'd whisper to me, he's going to fucking kill us. You know that, right? And I would crack up.

And then you'd be like, why are you laughing, Drew? And he had no idea that you were anti. Like, he thought you were just supporting him. Oh, I thought he heard me. You were killing me. Oh, good. As far as I know, he didn't, because I tried to tell this story to him later. And he doesn't remember.

And he was like, no, Caleb was being nice. You guys are being a dick. He was saying that that night, too. Like, he kept saying things. like you know you guys should be nice like she's being nice and you were like yeah guys stop being so he's going to murder i did think i was going to die that night i did think i was going to die i was like wow i am sober and it's going to go down i'm going to remember all of it um yeah well here's a segue that didn't kill you and you know what else didn't kill you my tip

let's uh let's uh let's let's dive in on that your book is out it's uh it's called dangerous boobies, waking up with my time bomb breasts. That's my book. Yeah. Yeah, I wrote it because I have the BRCA genetic, I have the BRCA genetic mutation. Right. And when I got the diagnosis, doctor said at the time, I had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer in my life.

Damn. Which is insane, you guys. Like, 87% chance is a good grade. Yeah. Like, if you gave me that, I'd be like, I'm smart. Yeah. But, and like, somebody, some asshole said to me once, like, well, it's not 100%. Why were you so scared?

And I was like, to put that on your brain, and I got tested at like 20s, early 20s, it just really, really fucked me up. Was that a guy? Yes. Yeah, I knew that was a guy. Another guy said to me, like, how, it's an abomination against God, what you're doing. Yeah, a lot of people was. Surgery? Yes, because my tits were huge, you guys.

You didn't know me then. They were 32 gs. They were. So his abomination line was, like, about how he liked your tits? Yeah, about, like, if you had tits that big, it's an abomination to. It's even grosser. The more you explain. I know.

This guy is gross. So we did meet and I didn't know about it. Wait, did you meet me when my tits were huge? No, I didn't. I'm upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I get it. That's such a shitty thing.

I'm so happy you're talking now, though. I'm like you a part of this. I've had to get beer. Yeah, you know, you're doing your thing. So I, so my dad is the only surviving person in his family. They've all died of cancer. Oh my God. So growing up, I was actually born nine months after my aunt died of breast cancer at 33.

And I, in the Jewish tradition, it's crazy, you guys. It's great. But they say, like, if the next born is like the, you name them after the person who most recently died or somebody in the family. So the family was like, Caitlin, you are saving our lives because Aunt Iris just died. And now you're like, you're the birth and your life and recreation. So I knew from the moment I was born that like, I'm here because my aunt died. Wow. And it's so much pressure to put on a baby.

Like, I don't know much, but I knew about death immediately. Right, you're just telling a four-year-old. Like, hey, no pressure, but you replace somebody we cared about. Right. And then also... You're a Jewish savior, a tale as old as time. Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah.

So, and then... And I remember, like, as a kid, like, if my parents would leave the house, I'd say, like, I love you, goodbye, because I, like, understood what the last words, like, your last words before somebody dies. And I wanted to make sure to say the last words where I love you before they'd died because I thought anytime they left the house they died like guys I was morbid right you're already a morbid person I was already a morbid person when you got this news that there is an 87% chance you'll get breast cancer right and then they gave me that diagnosis and I was just like

I think I was 25 when I got the diagnosis okay and so then when they told me that I was like oh fuck like you might as well just say I have breast cancer right so it was too close for me where some people might Like I know some women that don't, it's not 100%, so they don't want to think about it. And like your percentages raise over time. So it's 87 when you're like into your 60s and 70s, but when you're in your 30s, it's not as high the risk of getting it. But then it slowly grows. And I was like, but that thought of like...

Kind of like cancer. Yes, exactly, like cancer. But that thought of like, oh, so I'll get it when I have kids or I'll get it when my body's through metapause and maybe it won't heal as fast as a 20-year-old's body. Like that just really screwed with me. And I got drunk and got wasted and drank the pain away for years. And I had to get like sober. And then I got sober and was like, oh, this is what I'm running away from.

That was it. You feel like that was a big part of your drinking issues? Well, it was an amazing excuse. Because like who's not going to get a sad girl crying in a bar a drink because she might one day maybe have cancer? Like you really can't argue with that. Didn't you do that more than once though? I feel like the fifth time you can be like, All right.

We did it. You might have cancer. I was a bummer. I was a bummer. My poor husband, he was like, can we just, we would go to brunch and he'd be like, just don't talk about babies or cancer. Because, like, I would just, both would make me cry. So we had, like, rules to not talk about it. Well, the timing of this book then is great in terms of the cancer situation is.

The cancer's done. Nipped in the bud. And there's a baby on the way. Are you going to name the baby after someone who died in your family? Yes. Yeah. You carried it on? I really am.

Well, don't tell, don't tell them the awful story, though. Make it a more celebration type thing. Yeah, but I think, I think we're going to name them after, like, some amazing people for my family that, like, raised my parents and then my parents, like, have been raising, have been taking care of my husband for the past 11, 12 years we've been together. So, they're a good family. They're just all dead. Right, yeah. So, you know, that's what happens. Well, you know, those are the best families.

They are. But I don't, so what, I mean, then what happened? Right. So I got the diagnosis. Okay. panicked, got sober, got married, and then came to realize, like, oh my God, I think I would want a preventative double mastectomy,

which is what Angelina Jolie had. She made public in 2013. And I was like, I think I actually would want this surgery, and it might be like the most incredible thing and take away my fear, take away the risk of cancer, and also, like, give me control over these boobs that were just running my life, it felt like. because they were humongous.

They were like, they'd ruin every outfit. They were, okay, they're a fan favorite. Like, everybody loved them. Right. But they were not fun to have on my body. I'm sure, yeah. Yeah. And then add to that you found out that they are basically taking time bombs.

Yeah. And it's like, and I am not a chill person who can like meditate through problems. Like I will cry, drink, eat, slam doors. Like, I am not, I'm not going to like work through. I mean, I went to see a bunch of therapists. I was talking to my family. Like, I did everything you should do. and I was still was like, I just don't want these on my person anymore.

And another reason I decided to get the surgery is because I wasn't going to my doctor's appointments. Like when you get, when you're positive for this mutation, so we all have the gene, but if you have the mutated version of the gene, so if someone says I'm BRCA positive, it means they're positive for the mutation. Okay. Because we all have BRCA. It just stands for breast cancer gene. It's just a new gene they discovered recently.

And if you have the mutation, it means that your body is less able to suppress. press or kill cancer cells. Okay. So our bodies all have the ability to, like, let's say a cell is behaving badly, our body knows to dispose of that cell. Just if you think about it, like, if you cut your lip, your lip heals faster than if you cut your knee, like, all of our cells know exactly what to do. So if there is, like, a rogue cell, your body has its own, like, built-in force to get

rid of those cells and dispose of them. But a cancer cell grows on its own accord. It decides how it wants to grow. and then it can also like manipulate other cells to be like it. So if you have the BRCA gene, the mutation, that means that your body is less able to sort of either stop it from growing or stop killing it and all these things. So then your chances are more likely because you have a less of an advantage to take care of those cells.

Right. And so what was I saying? I think you're, well, you're talking about processing all that information. And then you said you stopped going to the doctor. Oh, so because it happened so young, because it can happen to you so young because you have that inability to stop those cells. You get to go to the doctor. They want to see you twice a year for breast screenings or for men for prostate and pancreas

and even melanoma now. Like more things are coming out from the brocogen. And so it's recommended to go twice a year. Well, I didn't go for two years. Like I just avoided it because it was so intense. I didn't want to be a cancer patient. I was like, I don't have cancer. I have this like intense, maybe.

gonna have cancer. So I just stopped taking care of myself. And then when I realized, how long did that last? That was like a couple years, like two years of just not going to the doctor, maybe three. And then my dad was like, that's really unsafe. Like you can do whatever you want, but you have to go to the doctor. Like you are, you are a rare case. Did they, when you first got the diagnosis, did they bring up a double mastectomy preventative at that moment? There, I talked about it in the book. I called the doctor, this bitch. And I just, referred to her as this bitch for the whole chapter. So this bitch did say the second I got the diagnosis that we're going to remove your

breasts. Like that was the first thing she said to me. She said, we're going to. We're going to. And then said, let me go get the results. Leaves me in the room by myself. Comes back, reads the results to me. And then says, I'll leave you alone.

Then fucking leaves me alone. And I'm by myself. And I have to call my parents and tell them the news. And it was like I was telling them I had cancer because it was the closest thing. We were all like waiting for it. and I just cried. That really started my drinking bender because I was just like, fuck life.

Like I was so upset. And I knew I never wanted a mastectomy. I told everyone like, it's never happening. And because it wasn't, so genetic counselors are who I recommend everybody go to if you want to get any genetic testing. Don't do a mailing kit. Don't Google it.

Like go to an actual person because they are a psychiatrist or therapist and scientists mixed in one. So they will explain. to you everything going on with your genetic mutations, what's happening. They'll explain how to talk to your family, what it means for the next five years, what all your options are, like a really loving, wonderful, intelligent person. But you didn't have that. I did not do that. I did and I just went to this bitch and then I freaked out. And then years later, when I told my dad, like, I wasn't

going to the doctor. I was like, let me go to like a genetic counselor. And they were so nice. Did that, was that when you decided, had you already decided to do it at that point? Or did they, I guess, convince you? I know. They did not convince me. They, in the beginning, I had to explain to them that I was one of the first young people. Like, right after Angelian Jolie, there was a huge rush of young people trying to get the surgery because she made it more popular. Right.

And so there is this fear of like girls just emotionally like running into this decision and are you going to regret it later? Right. If you do pre-up kids, are you going to be upset? You can't breastfeed because in the surgery, they were moving. all of that breast tissue and then give you a fake boob and it's fun it's really fun guys I'll talk all about the process you get to pick it it's real cool but they

were nervous that it was something we were rushing into and so I had to explain in detail to all of my doctors why I was getting it done I'm much younger than the average patient they were in their 40s 50s at the time so I was 28 27 turning 28 got the surgery at 28 and had to walk through it all with them and all the male doctors were just like I don't know let's let these

titties ride for a little bit longer you're young I did not see a male doctor. I was like anti-men, which men are great, but I was like really, there's apparently one doctor at the hospital who was great and is a man, and they said he had bad bedside manner. And I was like, no. Right. I can't handle if, like, a guy is kind of mean to me. Now, this guy's going to be seeing my open tit chest flopping around and is going to be rough. No way.

Right. So I only saw like the kindest ladies. And they are great. Other than this bitch. Oh, this bitch. I never saw her again. No, fuck her. So you talked about them being like.

Like, are you sure you're young? Was there any pushback anywhere else outside of that? I mean, I think my husband was like great. Like, actually, I think this will give you a lot of peace of mind because all you do is talk about being afraid of dying of cancer. Like, I didn't realize how much I talked about it like all the time. And so he was like, yes, please. Yeah, he's like, this could be great.

But he didn't think it would go as quickly as it did. Like as soon as I decided I was doing it, I was like, okay, we're doing it in like three months. Like, it went speedy and I went full throttle. And he was like, oh, I thought like. in a couple years. Like, he didn't realize it was going to be. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

No, I know. We had plenty of time with the tits. It was really nice. He really enjoyed himself. And then... Was it like those Facebook posts when like they're about to put a dog down so they make him have the best day of his life? Like they take him to McDonald's.

You know what I mean? They put him in his favorite little shirt. Yeah, I can imagine. They loved it. Just imagine it. Yeah. No, it was real fun. I'm wondering then, well, I don't want to skip ahead to the book.

Too far. But did you, were you, you were improv in at that time, right? Yeah, I was doing improv and, yeah, just improv mainly. And it was a really hard thing to pull away, you know, not being a very successful comedian at the time, just kind of like trying to get on like a UCB team, like just like trying so hard. And then pulling away and being like, and I'm going to leave the comedy community. Friends of mine are making TV shows and they're in movies and they're writing and people are like getting. incredible, doing like incredible stuff with their art. And I was like, I'm going to be in a hospital. So that was, it was hard. Was it, I know it was hard. Did it take you long though to make

decision or was it like I'm doing, I know you said once you decided, then it was three months later. Was that decision sort of immediate? Was it like one day, oh, fuck, I'm doing this? Well, it was a decision where I was like, oh my God, this is, yeah, I had this moment. I was like in the backseat of a cab. And I was like, oh my God. Like, I'm waiting to do this. Why the hell would I wait? Like, if I can have that. relief of not being afraid of cancer, finally loving my breasts in proportion to my body, and feeling safe and providing that safety to my parents. Like my dad grew up with a, you know, as we grew up, was so afraid we would die of cancer.

So if I can provide that to him five years before, why not give him that too? Like, why not have all of us have relief? And then I was like, oh, shit, we're doing it. Like, it really happened in a cab ride across the 59th Street Bridge. That's really sweet to me to think of your dad and other people. But he's been through so much. What reasons are there to not do it? So you can do wonderful screenings.

You can get screenings twice a year, and they're very high-tech screenings. So instead of the regular mammogram, they do an MRI, they can do an ultrasound. It's really fine-tuned screenings that are fabulous. So you can do that. If you're comfortable and you can go to the doctor twice a year, sit in that cancer waiting room, do all of that. Do it. I couldn't. I had too much anxiety.

And the idea there is if you do those regular checkups, if you do get it, we'll catch it so early. So early. That your survival rate will be as high as it would have been if you went ahead and did it? No, not the exact same because getting cancer and having cancer in your body is incredibly difficult. Like once cancer gets in your body, in your breasts also, you have to start fighting. You have to kind of go on all fronts to fight it.

Sometimes chemo, a lot of times it's very difficult for the body to handle. It also kills other cells in the body that are healthy. The other thing too is that I was always afraid and some people, I had this experience seeing my family members go through this, but cancer can spread to your lymph nodes really quickly. And then once it's in your lymphatic system, it's a whole other thing. So I was never comfortable with the risk of knowing just too much. Like I just knew too much about how breast cancer can take over your body. Right. But for some people, like I have a friend of mine who is really connected to her breast.

Like she's a burlesque dancer. like they're a part of her life. Right. And she does not want to do anything. And she wants to go to her screenings. Well, that was one thing that's sort of connected to the thing I was going to ask, which is I'm wondering if you felt any sort of, it's difficult as a man to ask this question.

Do it. No, I just don't even know how to phrase it. I don't know how to phrase it. No, it's not that. Like, was there any, did you feel at all from the outside or from yourself, I'm losing a part of like being a woman here? No. Okay.

I was at first worried because I was like, Corey has a different question. Go ahead, Corey. It was similar, and I don't mean this to be a dick, but I know how hard this industry is already as a woman. Did that part cross your mind where you're like, oh, man, I've got these wonderful titties, and there's no way that's not going to at least help. That sounded horrible. I don't mean it horrible. You know what I'm saying?

As sexuality, as a sexual package. So here's actually the thing. The first chapter is all about. that I, my breasts were so big, you guys. They weren't like, I know, I'm, they weren't like a cute, like, hot strippers breasts where it's like they're fun and they're bouncing around. They were so big that they were like so cumbersome that they almost like started at my chin and went to my waist.

Like, they weren't the kind of boobs. They looked amazing naked. But with clothes on, I looked like I was almost pregnant. Like people thought I was pregnant all the time. Or I looked like maybe homeless because I was covering up. If I wore T-shirts, like the writing was. like, hello. Like, I couldn't wear anything with words on it.

It looked like a billboard instead of a t-shirt. If I wore, like, kids used to ride down the street and call me big titties. Like, people would stare at me. Like, I was teased a lot. Like, it was, my breasts entered the room before I did. And, like, nowadays, I'll talk to people. And they were like, people I was in improv class before. And they're like, oh, yeah, you had huge boobs.

Like, people knew me as, like, Katie with the huge boobs. Like, they were big tits. Right. And so, for me, I didn't want those acting roles because I, want to be a comic and I want to have fun and I want to have control of my body. And I didn't want those parts. I didn't ever feel comfortable playing like the sexy secretary because I felt like I was always over sexualized. So like why when I choose to do something fun for me, which is acting or art, would I also jump into that part?

Sure. I was constantly on the defense of men coming too close to my boobs or feeling like they were ogling me or feeling like they might attack me. And I was attacked in college. Sure. Like a lot. I mean, who wasn't? Everybody had something happen to them, except for all you wonderful men.

But, um, no, you guys were fine. You guys were great. But like every girl, like, so I had that experience too. I was like,

these body parts are really, like I have as much control as I have. But the way the world's responding to them and treating me is not a way I like. So I really wrapped them, locked them down. Right. Like I'd wear like multiple layers,

like a compression bra, a shirt underneath, another tank top. Like I wore multiple layers. and it was like if I had to exercise I had to wear two bras like there was just it was a pain a such a pain and they were great for sex I mean sex they were like shining bright but I wasn't having sex 24 hours I'm not a porn star so it was like in my regular life that wasn't how I wanted to represent myself sure and then and then um I certainly didn't mean to imply that you did no I don't

but that's a big part and like that is a way that's a character like this sexy lady is a character. But I'm also like 5'2, not even 5 foot 2, I'm 5'1.5. And with tits that big, like, it all just kind of looked odd. I felt odd. It wasn't, I didn't feel like I looked like a hot Baywatch girl running around. Like, it was all just kind of compressed. And then when Angelina Jolie came out and she's so public and she is using sexuality

to her advantage and she is being using it as like a tool, I'm like, oh, if she doesn't care, who am I? Like four people saw me naked. Right. Like it's not, I'm not like going around. Like I'm not getting cast for my tits or if I wouldn't even want to audition for those roles. Sure. So for me, I was like, oh, if she doesn't care, it's not that precious.

And the one thing I will say is if anybody makes me, if there's ever like a nude scene or something, I'd have to be in a bra because I have scars or they'd have like a body double. But I'd like to get cast in a movie. Like I would just like to get cast, period. But then afterwards, I have felt way better auditioning and performing, and I've gotten more work than ever. Speaking of scenes, and you've probably been asked about this before, did you see Tignitaro's scene in One Mississippi? I didn't see it in One Mississippi, but I saw her stand-up. There's a sex scene in one Mississippi. And she has her...

And she gets topless and scars. And then the actress that she's hooking up with in the scene starts to fond. Bisk of the Scars. And TIG is a very unique actor. She's great. You know what I mean? But a very good one. I don't think she could not be herself.

Exactly. In that moment, she looked so uncomfortable. Yeah. But not Tign Tartarro's uncomfortable. No, the character, like I felt like it was the character. Like this woman's looking at my... I felt like the character was uncomfortable, not Tickna's har, fucking awesome. Well, it's her show too, so I'm sure she wanted to put that in.

And she's comfortable if she's creating that scene. in a sense. You know what I mean? Like the performer and the artist is comfortable. Did you have any discomfort with the book or any worries about it? I talk a lot about sex in the book.

A lot. Like almost too much. My grandma said it was quite raw. But at the time when I was getting the surgery, all I wanted to know was about sex. That's all I wanted. I'm like, these are sexy body parts.

Like, will sex be different? Like, will my husband look at me like I'm going to crack? Or will he look at me like I'm falling apart? and like can I still be sexy? Like am I still like a hot, fun, spankable slut? Like sometimes you want to be that. Sure.

But like if you're laying in bed and you have surgical scars and your bandages and you're having trouble getting up to pee, like it's not sexy. So I was really worried. I think like most women talk about like you have this after you give birth. You're kind of in a fragile state and it's like I hope this all shit heals up quick because I still want to be, I still want to be myself. So I was really nervous. Was that the hardest part or the biggest fear in the book?

That was one of the biggest fears. Well, I hate needles and I hate surgery. So that's the other thing. Like, whenever I went to the doctor, I almost passed out all the time. So I'm, like, not good in hospitals. And I chose to have this massive surgery. So that was a cool thing I did to myself. But, yeah, I was really afraid of all of the sex.

And then I had it, and it was wonderful. It's all in there. You'll see. You'll see. Pain med's help. The scars, do they look the same as the scar. that women who have boob jobs have?

No. So it's totally different. So when you have a preventative double mastectomy, I want to save a whole thing out, what they do is they have to remove all of the breast tissue. So that's tissue that you use for breastfeeding,

that's tissue to use to support your boob, everything. They don't take the muscle, though. So they remove everything, and they put the implant behind your peck muscle. And then they put, and like,

so depending on the size of it, they either you take a time with something called spacers where they space it out and create the space for the implant or you do direct implant which is just in one surgery. So at first I was really grossed out and I was like that's disgusting like I don't want anything anywhere but my doctor was telling me that so when a woman has breast implants the implant is sitting on top of the breast tissue. So the implant's actually under your skin. Now when you have the mastectomy the implant has to be inside your muscle, almost like a muscle bra, because without the breast tissue,

there's nothing there to support the implant. So it's not the same surgery. It's not like you can do a little cut and put the implant in. You have to have a surgery where you remove all of the tissue, so they really do, like, open up your chest, remove all of the tissue, and then put in your implant in whatever kind of the way, there's multiple ways they can do it, and then seal that up. So I have it right across the middle of my breasts is just a scar.

So where my nipple would be, there's enough where I could have like really low, fun, low cut cleavage. And then let's say like where my nipple would start is a scar that goes just like maybe three inches. But it's really small and it's really great. I did a great doctor. Some women don't always have that. Some women do have a scar under the breast. And some women have a scar that looks like an anchor, like it comes up under the breast and goes around the nipple.

there's like so many things you can do and it really just depends on what you want your boobs to look like and what your doctor suggests. What did you want your boobs? I wanted, I wanted like, so there's so many choices. I was like, do I get those 70s like ski slope boobs

that are like always sepia toned? You know, like they're kind of like, they and like puffy nipples. Yeah, I'm like, that's kind of cool. I was like that one look good at me. And then I was like, I think I want like, I think I wanted like 80 stripper or 90s stripper or like Baywatch boobs that are just like high

and circular. Like I wanted that That was like the boobs in my childhood Did you get nipples tattooed on? No, I can't commit to a nipple to save my life So like wait, that's the thing that's going on with you right now You want to get a nipple tattoo But you can't figure out which nipple you want?

Guys, there's so many options. How many options are there? So if I have titty-bitty, like itty-bitty, like cute tiny nipples Like Coachella nipples that like saw the sun for the first day But would they look good when I'm in my 70s? Like should I get old nipples that I can grow into? Guys, they can do the protrusion. Like, they can do the length of the nipple itself so you can look like you've milked a million kids or like you've never had a baby.

Yeah. And they do the size of the ariola. The ariola can be like CDs or like quarters. I feel like this is a fair question. If it's not, I'm sorry. Does Alan get any say and does he have an opinion? He was, yes. And his opinion was the jig is up.

Like I saw you go through the surgery. Let's not bullshit each other and get fake nipples. Like he's like, he's like, look, like we went. I helped you like stand up again. And like, we don't need to fuck around and pretend you have. He was like, this is how you look like. We went through this surgery together. Let's not bullshit each other and think that.

And it's really funny, but I was like, if anything happens to him, God forbid, if he dies, I'm getting nipples. Because I don't think another man would be that sensitive and supportive. He's so lovely. But he was just like, no, like, this is what happened to you. Like, like, kind of proud and these are your scars and this is what you look like. Because you took this, like really cool, strong, you know, this huge decision. I was like, okay, cool. It kind of took the pressure away.

But there's so much crazy shit, you guys. Does the career have any effect on that? I mean, was there ever a moment where if you weren't acting that you would have maybe not gotten anything done? Or were you like, no, I would have gotten boobs no matter what? So I always wanted a breast reduction, always. But if you reduce the size of your breasts without the mastectomy, those cells, no matter if you have a lot of breast tissue or a little breast tissue, those cells are always at risk of becoming cancerous. So that doesn't really change.

the hardest part with the acting thing was just like you like we all know like pulling away from the career and taking time to take care of yourself you feel like you're missing it like and especially be social media people are posting their shows people are doing new bits and it's like you feel like I felt like I was like out of the loop and I felt like God I would like lose my I'd lose my edge or I'd lose my like I guess weirdly like lose your friends it's like a very like young childish thing but like you I was like out of the club. You know, I had to go get help. And it took me a long time to heal.

And I was pretty depressed after the surgery because the surgery went well. It looked gorgeous. Everything was fine. But I was surprised at how slow it took my body to heal. Like I had never had a surgery before. And like, thank God, I didn't have anything wrong with me as a child. So after surgery, your body takes a long time to sort of get back to its fighting shape again. because even if you look okay on the outside,

you're still healing on the inside, especially if you have a mastectomy. There's so much tissue and everything moved around. Things cut open, things healing. And so you can have, you mentally can be healed, but then you're still exhausted.

Like I would have to sleep, I was working in a day job and would have to sleep in like the back office because I was so tired at lunch. And so that was when I got really depressed because when I didn't have control, I felt like I didn't have control. have control over my body and I didn't know what would happen and I was nervous it actually made me

feel it I think it prepared me for this pregnancy because when you're pregnant you have zero control and I've been here done that had my tits off I'm fine um is there one is there you know if women have this situation is there any advice that you give them I would say that like you have to to go to a genetic counselor always to not do anything where someone just hands you a printout because never in life, are you given this type of information that not only affects you, it affects your family members? And it really, really messed with my brain for a long time. And I didn't know it would because I had never had that before. So I'd say, always go to genetic counselor. And there's a lot of wonderful groups now popping up. Like if you Google like BRCA network, like there's so many

support groups popping up. And then I'll also just say like be patient because your body is going to tell you how it's going to heal. Like you can say, doctors told me I could work out in six weeks. There was no way I was working out in six weeks. Like, I personally just felt too tired, too sluggish. I just wasn't there yet. So I had a lot of judgment on how, an assumption of how I should be, but just like be as loving as you can because your body didn't do anything wrong. You know, it's like, just like be kind to yourself because it's a huge deal.

Right. But you can do it. You got anything else, right? No, I'll just, I'm very impressed by your ability to not hate. your body despite its fact because I hate mine all day all the time and I haven't had any issues with that. You have a great body, true. Oh, thank you. You have a great body. You have no idea. It's the worst. He means because of ailments, not looks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, not aesthetically. I mean, that too, but that's not what I'm saying. But you said your body didn't do anything wrong

or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's really, that's really sweet. That's a good attitude to have. because seriously, I sit around all, how often do I tell you how much my body don't hurt? All day. My stomach sucks. I hate my gut. Yeah. I mean, you do,

all three of us do that. Don't let them act like they don't do that. Well, you guys don't treat your bodies that well. Okay. Okay. I love you all, but you're rough. I was just sitting here thinking like how hard I would laugh if a doctor told me, like, you'll be ready to work out again in six weeks.

Okay. Yes. Where can they get the book? dangerous boobies? You can get it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Target, and maybe your local bookstore. Cool. I went into a couple and they were like, those exist? I know.

I went into one and asked me, they were like, we don't have it. I was like, do you plan on getting it? They were like, no. I was like, well, I wrote it. Have you bought it yet? I have given it as gifts. I'm in person, though. Like, have you gone into the store?

I went to a store and asked if they had it and they did not have it. And I was like, are you planning on getting it? They're like, no. Apparently if you're not a real housewife, your book isn't going to be on every shelf. Oh, me. Tell us about it. I don't think I don't think I've ever went into a bookstore. And like anytime I've went into a bookstore and then I look, anytime I'm in one, I'm like, I'm going to see if our books in here.

I don't think I've ever seen it. I've seen it twice. Other than when we, you know, like when we go to one for a book event. Oh, right. Yeah. But I mean, I wouldn't count. I wouldn't count those. Right.

Yeah. No, it's not once. Not once. Not once. Really? The advertising and the publicity. You had to do it by yourself. I did it by myself.

We didn't have cancer. I didn't either. You have all the time? I see our book all the time. And I also have people Snapchat and it like, hey, I'm at a, you know, Barnes and Noble or whatever. And in another day. Right.

I want to see it in person. No, I hear you, but I'm saying I've seen it a bunch. And also, remember the other day, somebody was at Ollie's bargain hunt and saw our book for $3. Where do you? Yeah. Where do you say it all of time? time of it. Because I'm not like lying. Like I've been in bookstores and I was just in one in fucking Burbank the other day.

Well, Burbank. Yeah. I know. Well, that's kind of what I'm saying. He's in like, he's in Chattanooga. So I don't mean, if you're talking about actual local little mom and pop things, I, well, we don't have many of those. That's what you said. But I've seen it at, we, I go to Barnes and Noble a lot because there's one in at the mall when I take LJ. And of course I fucking snoop over there. See it every time there. It's probably the same copy. Same copy. same copy. But no, when we go on the road and we, you know, go out and I'm in a book,

so I feel, yeah, I mean, I see it. It's there. Kaelan has to get to rehearsal and I don't, I can't imagine anything. She'd be less interested in and listening to us talk about where our book is. The book is, the book struggles really, you guys. I do have one question for you before you go. Yeah. And maybe you're not telling people what's your baby's name. Oh, I don't know the name. Okay, that's fine. There's like a couple family members, but the thing is that we have a A couple dead family. I know there are so many deadies.

We really wanted a girl because that's fun. And we're having a boy and we didn't have any boy names. There's no dead dudes? There's a couple dead dudes. We had so many. I want to kill an uncle. Hi guys. Look, this is really for my child.

Yeah. So we didn't have any boy names picked. We had girl names for years. They have so many girl names. Well, that was a little silly on your part. I know. It was real dumb. Yeah.

You shouldn't have done that. It was real dumb. Yeah. But they're so. Pretty and cute. You had all your literal eggs. I did in that basket. In the wrong basket.

In the wrong one. And then a boy came out. Well, thank you. Thank you guys. This is amazing. Yeah, I love you guys. Come in. I'm so excited.

All right. Well, see you next time, everybody. Thank you. Skew. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you.

Good night, and skew.