wellRED podcast - #40 - WellRED Classic - Check Your Boobies + High School Drag Shows w/ Caitlin Brodnick!

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

In this wellred classic episode from all the way back in 2017, we sit down with the AMAZING Caitlin Brodnick! Caitlin Brodnick is a performer on Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre's Maude Night. She performs sketch, standup, and storytelling regularly in New York City and Los Angeles. She is a writer for Glamour.com, and a blogger for Huffington Post. Her stories have been featured on the MOTH podcast, and quoted by the AV Club. As a breast cancer awareness advocate, and she has been invited to speak at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium and various locations in New York City.Caitlin works closely with the organization FORCE, and Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital as a breast cancer awareness advocate, helping to connect with other women who are BRCA positive.The boys all have new specials on AMAZON!!Check out Drew’s new podcast Gravy BabyListen to Puttin On Airs with Trae and Corey!For bonus Trae go to Patreon.com/TraeCrowderFor Bonus Corey go to PartTimeFunnyMan.com

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

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What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

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what's up well redders it's you boy corey ryanforster our amazon specials are out right now uh on you guessed it amazon we'd love if you'd check those out i want to drop in to tell you that before we get started on the pod. Also remember you can go to patreon.com slash Trey Crowder for bonus Trey. Drew's got a new podcast called Gravy Baby. Me and Trey, of course, have putting on airs. Trey has weekly skews. We got a lot of stuff going on in the skewniverse. And if you want bonus stuff from me, essays, podcast, poetry, videos, you can go to part-time funnyman.com. We're off this week, but we thought for a special treat, we were going to reissue a very old episode.

This is from 2017, so a lot of people that have just now started listening to the podcast may have never heard this. Trey brought it to my attention that it might be good to re-release this episode because in it, we talk about high school drag shows. And y'all know that there's all that malarkey going on in Tennessee where, I mean, you know, let's not mince words here. It's a blatant attempt to just make being different illegal. That's all it is. and Trey remembered that we talked about that on this episode and since we were off we thought we'd reissue it this is with the very funny Caitlin Broadneck

and we hope you enjoy this is episode 40 from the well-read podcast archives freaking six years ago that is absolutely insane I was listening back to it a little bit and like I don't even sound the same I think my voice is I don't know if it's gotten It's gotten higher somehow.

I don't know how that's working, but it's weird to hear us. We're basically babies. So enjoy well-read episode 40. Y'all be safe out there and go see Tray on tour, traycrouter.com. And like I said, gravy baby putting on airs, weekly skews, part-time funnyman. All that jazz. We love you so much. Go see our Amazon specials.

Bye-bye. but don't give a fun. They're the neighbor rednecks that makes some people upset. They got three big old dicks that you can suck. Well, Drew dead. I don't think I picked up. Yeah, Drew is dead. I am dead.

I'm taking, it's called colloidal silver. It's some witch shit. But I think this, like, it kills everything in your body. Like, after you take it, you're supposed to take probiotics. While we're here, we're on tour. Well, Red Comedy. com, W-E-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com, spelled just like the podcast. About to do a whole week in North Carolina, then we're off to Denver,

Chattanooga, Nashville, Orlando, and that's going to turn into Tampa, Atlanta, and Birmingham, and wrap up our 2017 venture. You can get all those tickets, like I said, at well-read comedy.com. You can also grab our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark, and sign up for our newsletter because then shit's just fucking way easier. Okay, well, I'm done. It is Tuesday, November 6th. seventh we are in the green room at grammarsy theater in new york city where we have two shows

tonight as part of the new york comedy festival pretty sweet the only thing that ain't sweet about it is that we have to leave uh but i mean i love north carolina and i love the city of raleigh and i'm looking forward to being there but this is the first night of this festival and this festival has a lot of really cool shit going on yeah it does the rest of this week and we're not going to here for any of it. And I'm sick. So even if I wanted to go out and hit tonight, I'm not going to feel like it. And how do y'all feel?

My bowel is a wreck. Everything about me. We got in yesterday. We had shit to do today during the day before the shows. And for me, at least, it's literally impossible for me to come from Los Angeles and arrive in time to do shit during the day. Sure. Like, I left at 6 a.m. yesterday and got here at fucking 3 o'clock. Like, the earliest I can get here is 3 or 4 o'clock.

So that's why I came in yesterday. But y'all were here also. And so what that means is... My name is Sunday. We're in town a day early in New York City. No shows to do or nothing. We got drunk. Yeah.

I didn't. I had four drinks yesterday. I just am sick. Well, you don't have. No, you don't hit. I don't hit. Me and you, we do hit. We got drunk.

So drunk. I stumbled into my, I want to say hotel room, but my box that I got in at like 3.30 in the morning. Yeah. Chugged the coconut water, fell asleep, dick in hand. Is it the one of y'all ever woke up with the hiccups? No. I didn't know you could do that. No.

I did this morning. That's terrible. I had a nightmare where I had the hiccups. I was hiccuping and then I woke up. That is a nightmare. It was hiccuping in real life in my sleep. That sucks. Again, I didn't know that was possible.

Now, I've certainly... But it is. Back when my asthma was worse, especially, like when I was a kid, I would wake up, I would have a dream. I couldn't breathe, and then I woke up and couldn't breathe. But hiccups, I don't even know how you get them while you're asleep. Me neither. But I had them at the end of the night last night because I got hiccup drunk, is what I'm saying. I mean, do y'all do you all do that?

You get, uh-uh. I know what you're telling me. What? Oh, yeah. No, I know. Okay. Usually, especially if I mix, uh, crate them and alcohol, I will absolutely before the end of the night get the hiccups and it will suck. Well, that happened to me last night.

So I'm in the comedy cellar trying to hang out, be cool. Like you do. Yeah. Not like I do. I'm very bad at that. And, uh, and so every, we're all sitting there drinking, people's talking, you know, we're meeting, you know, we're meeting other comics and shit and yada yada and i'm just sitting at the table totally stone silent the whole time because i can't stop hiccuping it really really sucked and then went home thought i got

rid of them went to bed and then woke up at 7 30 this morning hiccuping in my sleep that's the worst it's a fucking nightmare man i woke i feel like shit today i woke up at eight just like just hating no seven excuse me just hating everything but i'd gone to bed well it's the thing i didn't i came home came home at 11 i was asleep by midnight. I woke up at seven, but I didn't sleep well. And anyway, I'm just sick. It don't hit. Yeah, we just, we got like all sorts of excuses. You just got, you just got took. My body just don't hit.

Uh-oh. Speaking of hiccups, you know, speaking of bodies that don't hit, uh, we got a very special guess this week. Um, uh, her body didn't hit in a very specific way. Her name's Caitlin Broadneck and she had a preventative double mastectomy because she was told by a geneticist that she had an 87% chance of contracting breast cancer. Heavy shit, we know, but she's a very bubbly and effusive sweetheart of a personality and also a comedian. So she makes that horrific subject matter palatable. Almost fun.

She had like a teacher's way of like, oh, I'm learning so much about this awful thing. So that's what, you got to book out, dangerous boobie. He's breaking up with my time bomb breast. We will get to that interview and talk more about her book. Yeah, we will later. But first, nothing hits, nothing at all. I was going to say, speaking of hiccups, did you see this shit with, it's Rand Paul? I always, because there's Paul Ryan, Ron Paul, and Rand Paul.

This was Rand Paul, Kentucky, right? Kentucky, yeah. Yes. Oh, boy, just whipped his ass. No, but the hits. His neighbor broke five of his ribs. Whipped his ass. Well, it don't, I mean, he like, it's not like Rand Paul.

was talking shit and got in a fight, that would have hit. But this dude just, like, came up and attacked him, right? No. Oh, really? The two competing narratives right now is that someone's having an affair. We're not sure who. Oh, fuck. I didn't know anything about this.

And the other competing narrative is they've had some sort of woodchip and leave dispute. That's been going on for 10 years, his literal next door neighbor. Your next door neighbor don't just come up and just whip your ass. You're right. I didn't know this. And one of the things the media is like attached to is they're like, uh, This is like, I think it's a fourth degree assault that they get, which I think might be a misdemeanor or a real,

and they're like, when you break somebody's ribs, you get regular felonies. Yeah. What's happening here? But, you know, and who can't, I mean, who actually gives a shit in terms of like what's going on in the world. But I think it's hilarious that I'm reading it. He's in Kentucky.

And they're saying, well, it was either over leaves or a woman. And I'm like, either way, oh, boy, whipped his ass is what happened. Sometimes you get your ass whipped by an old boy. Yeah. The picture was very old boy, too. This is very... I haven't seen that part. Unfair, obviously, but, like, there's just no doubt in my mind that Rand Paul had it had it coming.

Without it out. You would say that. He'd either been fucking that old boy's wife or fucking his goddamn yard up for too long. You would say that and be right, no matter what party he was affiliated with, too. Like, someone in a political family for that long, with that good a hair and that much power, he deserved his ass with. Yeah. Sure.

He looks like a poodle. Yeah. He's like a libertarian poodle. It's like, don't tread on my curls. Yeah. No, I didn't, honestly, dude, I just saw Rand Paul gets attacked at home and my brain jumped straight to somebody, some fanatic that he don't hit for. It was a political thing.

But, like, yeah, again, if it's your neighbor and y'all been neighbors for 10 years and he's waited 10 years to whoop your ass, You know what I mean? Yeah. Something has happened. Something has fucking happened. And also, I don't think it'd be a political thing because if you can afford to be his neighbor in Kentucky, you're a Republican. Right.

Well, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's true. His neighbor has, you said the picture was very old boy-esque, but that surprised me because. Not redneck. Oh, boy. Like Jim McElwain looking. Okay. All right.

Because I was thinking, like, when you were talking about it, I was like, Ram Paul's neighbor. He looked like Jimmy Carter's little brother. What was his name? Billy Carter? Yeah. He had a very Billy Carter-esque. look to him. Well, that hits.

It does hit. I wish it was just Mark Stoops. They whipped his ass. And no one had mentioned it yet because everybody forgets Kentucky has a football team. They just whipped our ass. We don't hit. Anyway, moving on. Y'all don't hit.

Oh, we don't hit. Go balls. Well, y'all having fun in New York. Yeah, I'm having a blast. I'm destroyed right now as we've covered, but I had a great meal today, which is partly responsible for that. It was different for me being here, like, you know, as a visit. visitor. I think I enjoyed it more than when I lived here. Yeah, because you know you get to leave.

And I didn't, you know, it wasn't like get up, go to work, do this, have these responsibilities. Like we had shit to do, obviously, but we could also take our time yesterday and I was a total tourist. So that was pretty cool. Old boy's name is Renee Bouchet. Good Lord. René Boucher. Yeah. Well, that's Bobby Boucher's name too. That's his daddy. Yeah. Take the money, dummy. I would love it if somehow that was the guy. My mama said Alice didn't shrug at all.

A retired anesthesiologist went over and put his ass to sleep. Hey, yo. God, yeah, I'm so. Is he a Louisiana boy or a Frenchman? He's got to be a Louisiana boy. Because he whips somebody's ass, you just can't have it? Yeah, right. No way, France did that.

That's so funny. He didn't move. Oh, fuck me. I'm trying to get the story here. Is that him? Is that what he looks like? Oh, Rand Paul lives in fucking Bowling Green. Bolling Green's like 45 minutes from Salina.

That ain't the hell I've been to Bowling Green. It's where cage elephants from. Yeah. They do. And in the Mustang Hall of Fame or Corvette Hall of Fame. I have no idea, buddy. It's one of them. It's in Bowling Green.

How'd they get that? I don't know Mustang. You sure it ain't like a fiesta Hall of things? Listen to what his other neighbors said.

We don't have squabbles out here. If you can afford to live here you tend to your own business. Lord, I wish he to whip

that guys out of that. He probably will. It's just some old boy is made good being an anesthesiologist he's about to whip everybody's ass

in the neighborhood. Uh-huh. He and that's dude has got to be cogent. He's just a smart because listen to this. Mr. Boucher practiced for many years

as an anesthesiologist and invented a rice-filled vest used for back pain. God damn. Put that up with bull-d- When Mama had backpain, she just wore a rice vest around.

That may have feel better. What are we going to do with all this rice? I have a vest. me. Well, say you, Kathy. Yeah. I'm going to just wrap this mess with rice to hit back. I want to see what happens.

I want to see what happens. Like at the patent office or something. God damn, it does heal your back. He's also caging in terms of it. He's like, I'm going to be a doctor. But which is the one that you get to have that laughing gas made? That hits for me. I'll do that.

I know how to get people so fucked up. They fall asleep for four hours. I've been doing that my whole life, baby. That dude is a registered Democrat. Well, the plot has thickened. Very much so. Now I think he's friends. Like a good ruin my gumbo, baby.

The plot has thick. They said the dispute had more to do with long simmering tensions over their adjacent properties than with politics. I just, there's a neighbor to neighbor thing. They had strong opinions and different ones about what property rights mean. Oh, really? Rand Paul had some interesting property rights opinions. Well, I love that, you know, now with his philosophy, what can he really do? to this man.

You guys had a dispute over property and he has whipped your ass. Don't get the government involved. I just like it that Rand Paul has been treaded upon. Yeah. That really hits for me. Where's your snake now, pussy? But that's what I'm saying. It's a free market out there, buddy.

And you just don't hit as hard as Boucher. Mm-hmm. Trade just reading now. He's on ASPN at this point. Find out anything else interesting? No, but fuck you to death. What? What?

You shitting on me for reading over here. I've been giving some hits out. This has been hitting. I thought that you... All of a sudden, it just ain't hitting for you no more. All right. You wasn't saying nothing.

It does hit. I was trying to find more hits in it. I'm sorry? Mining for hits. Trey is irritable when he wakes up with hiccups. Yeah. Y'all don't hit. Fair enough.

What else is going on, Drew? You mean in the world? Trump's in Asia. He's been to a few different spots. There was a hilarious meme where there's... He told the Emperor of Japan... You don't hit. Probably, yeah.

But he told him, well, you know, this kind of thing, talking about that shooting in Texas. He's like, this kind of thing can happen anywhere, and it literally never happens there. Yeah. Or anywhere else, really, but here. They do still have an emperor. That's kind of fucked up. Yeah. There's a weird word to still be.

I agree. I mean, there's places to have kings and shit. Yeah. That heads for me. Kings hit. But it's the same thing. Nah. You just don't like China stuff.

I do like China stuff. No, you don't. You hate China. No, China's okay. It was Japan, but anyway. Oh, look at you. I know that. I'm saying all that is China stuff to him because he hates it all.

Is Emperor just China and Japan? Because when I think Emperor, I don't go straight to that way. What do I think? Did you hate Emperor because of Star Wars? Maybe. I may be indoctrine with that. Or that cartoon about getting a groove back or something? Emperor's new groove.

No, he hits for me. Oh, that movie fucking hit. It's so good. That movie's hilarious. Yeah. Well, I mean, we sort of. Oh, he's a show. It's a huge show.

We sort of brought it up, and this is a huge downer, but there has been yet another fucking shooting in America, and nothing is happening, and we're not allowed to politicize keeping humans safe, which, you know, or be like one of the top five things politics is four. You're only not allowed to politicize when it ain't a Muslim. Well, no. We'll politicize keeping it. We'll politicize keeping it.

keeping them safe in a bathroom. Just, you know, not with... It's so weird. Well, also, if it was a Muslim... Oh, yeah. They'd be like, this is why we need stricter immigration. Whatever. Travel ban was a good idea.

We told you that's exactly what it is. Well, he was a white guy. Well, let's not politicize this, okay? Our buddy... Fucking liberals, always insensitive politicizing everything. Our buddy Tietz, who has been in the news recently because he is representing...

A litany of raisins, actually. Because he is representing an equality group who is suing the city of Portland, Tennessee for the right to have drag shows. But he had, we can go into that in a minute. I'd love to. Yeah, he had a post talking about. And I thought that's a great point. He said, you know, we can't do nothing about terrorism. Terrorism is going to happen no matter what we do.

No matter what laws we pass, no matter what we come up with, there's no way to prevent. terrorism or even stop one single terrorist attack and then he like scrolls down or whatever and it's like go back and do gun shooting mass shootings and tell me how stupid you sound now because that is like a big argument on the ride is like well getting rid of the guns we can't do nothing about it they can never do anything about it it's just bullshit yeah you're saying that that's the only well maybe not the only but one of the only situations in which they apply that lot wait a minute you mean to tell me that they're being hypocritical Surely not.

Well, it's just he's got a point that's like, if your logic that you apply to these mass shootings, you can't stop them. You know, there's crazy people out there. If we apply that to terrorism, where are we? No, dude, that's what I mean. And a lot of people said it on that same day, but after the Vegas thing in that one video that I'm, it's like the Patriot Act. Like, that wasn't what you was saying when the fucking Patriot Act was going on. You know what I mean? Like, that I also like what you say about weed, like to a lesser degree.

It's like that. Well, just drugs. general. Exactly. It's like, just say no to drugs. Yeah. Like,

just, well, we can't do nothing about drugs no matter what we do so we shouldn't have any laws at all. Exactly.

That's exactly what they're saying. But the thing is, like, I kind of believe that. But like, you're consistent, at least is what I'm saying. Sure.

Ask Trey, real quick. Well, something don't help. Of course. Nothing helps. Oh. I mean,

do I have cash? How much cash? after last night I don't think I got much Oh hold on, let me check Oh wait, I do have some No, no, don't spend it all I think you gave a lot of it to me

I did That's a nice change of pace They're hilarious Thanks Nat We will That rude interruption brought to you by Our manager, Nat Goldberg Say hey to everybody

If you couldn't hear her she just screamed Jew and then disappeared. She is a Jew, so she's allowed to do that. Uh-huh. Disappear. I mean, anybody's allowed. Oh, shit. Yeah.

I didn't mean that. Oh, God, damn it. I'm leaving it in. I got to own that one. Well, anyway. But anyway, guns don't hit. What about... I mean, guns hit.

I mean, guns do hit, but... Yeah, what... Teets. Guns are Mariucci. I got to pay. Tates. Yeah, he is currently... Kevin Titch Jr.

He's a lawyer. You can find him on the internet. He's currently, he's, he's, He's posted an open letter that he's sent to the outside. He's representing a group who is suing the city of Portland, Tennessee, because they are trying to ban drag performances in the city. And it's been an ongoing thing. So the city government of Portland, Tennessee is trying to,

they're trying to pass a legislation that specifically bans drag shows. Yeah. And my, and this group, this equality group is suing the city and Tate's is representing them? Yes. It does it. And that just like so tates.

So, hell yeah. He, and if I get the, you know, you can go look on your own people at there listening. So, and if I mess up the way the case went. Yeah, come in. You know, like I said, fact check me. But my understanding of the history of this has been. No. No, that's not ours.

No, I don't think so. You know, is that vows? Maybe. Vow's in the other room. It's none of our. Is that your story? in the other room. Sorry.

That's all right. So what I was saying is, fact check me here, you know, read up on it, get the articles yourself. But what I think has happened was they came out with a law that was blatantly like no drag shows in Portland. And they got a lawsuit filed and an injunction. And it was pretty obvious even to their own lawyers pretty early on. They were like, yeah, we can't do that. So whoever sponsoring these bills brought a new bill back to the board. it's like the city council board or whatever

and now what they're trying to do is ban adult oriented or adult themed shows because there's a lot of case law out there that says you can't ban completely necessarily but you can zone like strip clubs and porn stores like you don't want them next to a school and there's studies that show that in areas

there's a lot of strip clubs and porn stores there's also crime and so a city has a true government interest in moving those to certain parts of the city or banning them for certain parts of the city. And, of course, now the argument, you guys, I mean, you have to be a lawyer to come over with that, is like, okay, but that's not what a drag show is. They don't get naked.

It's not an erotic show. They don't get their dicks out. It's none of that. It's, you know, it's fucking karaoke with makeup on. They get fairly erotic at times. Oh, you mean like all the humping? I fucking love drag shows. I have so much fun at drag shows.

They're so much fun, dude. So now they're in that area where you can regulate certain activities if they're considered erotic. But it's not like a drag bar that has shows every night. So that's like one of the big arguments is like, well, yeah, a strip club that has strip shows every single night, that might bring crime into a neighborhood. But if there's a drag show once a month at a bar, is that really going to bring the crime rate, you know, up, A, and then B, in my experience, most drag shows, obviously there's a lot

of drag kings, but for the most part, it's drag queens, which means gay men. gay men only bring property values up and increase the value also stereotypically the crimes being committed at drag shows are from assholes to the drag performers right uh this is wholly anecdotal but it's related and i feel obligated to share with you all the fact that i used to know a guy that came into old charlie's all the time what got stabbed in the neck by a broken off crack pipe at the gay bar in cookville so i mean it does happen wow yeah you mean there are sometimes violent occurrences that bars that happen to have gay people in them? Well, it was a gay bar. You were talking about, you were said you guys were, I just, I hear you. No, I'm on your team. What did I say? I'm not trying at all to make the argument that gay bars bring crime around.

You guys were talking about gay people bring property values up. Only crime that happens is from assholes against them. And I had already been thinking his boyfriend. nice. Yeah. But it wasn't my uncle, or, well, I mean, I wasn't my great uncle. It wasn't Corey's uncle. Right.

You know, he wasn't there doing some gay bashing. It was gay on gay crime. Well, yeah, that's what you don't hear about in the media. No, they ain't covering it. Got that liberal media. Ain't covering the gay on gay violence out here. No, I mean, I hear what you're saying, but what I'm saying is the studies. I literally just think that's a wild story I wanted to share it.

It is. It is wild. I'm not saying anything. I know you're not. I know you're not saying that that means anything necessarily, but I wonder if I express myself correctly. The government has to prove not that violence or crime or whatever happens, like a correlation between the amount of crime and violence before a strip club comes into this area,

and then more crime after it comes in. That's what they really need to show or the studies that they're worried about. And there's just no study on that and drag bars or gay bars. There's just no, like it's not out there. And, you know, one of Kevin's points is, if it was out there, you all have sent it to me by now. Sure. Like, this would have been your opening argument.

Oh, yeah. So the ACLU's been hitting him up, I know, and it's getting some play in the media, and he's doing the Lord's work. You think there's ever been a redneck go to get drug to a drag show and just go, where's the cars? It took me a minute to do what you meant. So on that note, I know that we have taught, off mic i know about this and i can't remember if we talked about on here and i don't think so but

like every now and then i'll think about this and i'm retroactively like man that shit was wild but maybe y'all did the same thing in high school when i was in high school we had a fundraiser once yes we had a drag show brings that up they do that in that town we had a drag show he's got evidence of them doing in the town my redneck buddy my dude literally the most red ass buddy i've got Kobe Well, my best friend's red as fuck Won the drag show. I won ours. Kobe won the drag show.

He's the reddest motherfucker you'll ever meet in your life. That's what's up with that? That's wild. Dude, the powder puck football game is just drag with football. It's dudes dress up like cheerleaders, chicks playing football. What? You don't have the powder puff gun. Where the girls play football and the boys.

We're cheer. We wear cheerleading outfits, wigs, wear makeup. We all do it. But Teets has found, like, I think video, I maybe not video. That's one of his arguments, and he has, like, evidence, like, if you pass this law, technically every year for homecoming, one of your fundraisers is out of the door. But y'all ain't trying to get after that. That's the whole point.

You're just, like, dude, teets and the Portland thing aside for a second. You're just like, that happened where we're from. That's wild, ain't it? Yeah. Like, who, how did that become a thing? That's also. That's also wild how those two somehow, they think that's different. No, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it's like, no, we're. whoever suggested that and then all the redneck parents were just like yeah hell that'll hit yeah it's funny when he's in a skirt but not if they're actually gay that's so fucking bizarre pretty much that's wow i want to go back to the year that i did it and see if there's any people who you could see coby's balls he was a total slut about it that's that's why he won that's why he won the sluts always win the yeah yeah we let it all hang out i was very tastefully addressed i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm certain. I was beautiful. High cheekbones. My buddy, Bain, y'all know Bain, big old boy. He looked like a big-ass version of the chick from the ring.

He was terrifying. The fucking wig he had on and stuff, boy, it was a nightmare. Thompson was hit, no. I guarantee you. I just remembered, I was a freshman, and this junior or senior on the football team was, like, upset at how I looked. and now looking back on it with the knowledge that I have

about how the world works, he was mad that I was making him feel some gay things or whatever. I remember he kept being like, I mean, Drew has to win.

He's the best-looking one, but that's why I don't want him to win. It's supposed to fucking coming out here and make my dick hard and stuff. God damn. This is bullshit. Kick him up the football team, coach.

A fucking queer is making my dick hard. God damn it. That is fucking hilarious. Well, I think, got a new five just now. Winning the goddamn drag beauty. That's a perfect way.

And we raise money for our school that way. God damn it. I don't know that I'm allowed to title this. That queer's making my dick hard, but I really want to so bad. That's fucking fantastic. Well, guys, we have a show. We do have a show.

Well, I guess we aren't wrap it up. I don't know of a better closer than that queer's making my dick hard. God damn it. Thank you guys, as always, for joining us here on the Well-Red podcast. Enjoy this interview with Caitlin Brodick and buy her book. Dangerous movies. Breaking up with my time bomb bris. All right, y'all.

Available now. All right, we love you. See you next time. Well, well. How's that sound? Good. Good. Okay, awesome.

We are rolling, right, Corey? Okay, sweet. Hi, Caitlin. Hi. How you do it? I'm good. It's good to see you. It's good to see you.

It's been a long time. And your fat pregnant belly. And my big belly. Oh, you're not supposed to say fat. You're supposed to say big. I gave my husband a list of things he couldn't say I was. He couldn't say I was. He couldn't say I was tubelard, big whale.

Wait, you had to write that one down. I told him and he was just sitting there eating dinner, and he's like, I haven't even thought of these things. And I was like, you can't say I'm so fat if I step on a rainbow skittles pop out. Like the things that kids would say to you. Yeah. You were afraid of your mama's so fat jokes? Yeah, I want.

Because you're now a mama. Yeah, I am a mama and I am fat now. Yeah. And I have, this baby is so big, you guys. He's a huge baby. And, like, I had a Starburst right before we recorded this, and he's kicking me so hard. He wants more.

He wants more. Or he's very disappointed in me. What color was it? Orange. He should be fine. Yeah, he's good. Yeah, he should be fine. When's it due?

When's he due? He's not due till February, but we think he might come late January. Okay. Because every time we measure it, he's measuring a little bit bigger. Is that how that works if they get real big? They come quick? No, but I also, no, but I, but I, but I, we just thought it. Yeah, we just thought it.

No, because like, some, you can't get sometimes the exact day or, you know, that he's, his age exactly perfect. You can't get it perfectly, but I do think he came the first time we ever tried. I do think he was like a Wampam immediate baby. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. Yeah, he knows what he wants. Right.

He knows what he wants. You guys were on time with your plans. Yeah, it's nuts. It was nuts. I was nuts. I was not expecting it. It was a shock because everyone says, like, try for years. Yeah. Everybody tells you it takes forever. And then we were like two teenagers. My man and Alan.

Alan Arthur. It wasn't my. I had a similar experience. Like, we were, it was, we didn't have to try really at all. But I know and have known plenty of friends of mine couples that that was not the case. Well, yeah, same here. You know, it was actually really, really hard. And you don't want to be like, you don't want to assume it.

and you just want to be, you know, just very understanding and know that it's hard. But, yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't. It was very easy. Corey, did you just offer Caitlin a beer? He did. He did. The baby wants a beer, but we're making him wait a little bit.

Well, you said he does things early. He knows what he wants. He knows what he wants. He's a bossy white boy already, which is the problem. So, Caitlin, you are, and we would have mentioned this, I guess, in the intro. Oh, good, they're vacuuming. What is that? It's a co-machine.

Whatever. Your stand-up comic, that's how we met you. An improviser, actor. That commercial you were in was hilarious, by the way. Thank you. And now an author. And we're going to get into all that.

But I want to go back to when we met you. Well, had I known you already? No. I didn't think so. So it's when Trey and I both met you. You're based in New York and I was at the time, too, but I'd never met you. We had not met, but we met, like the first night. Of the Cape Fear.

Comedy Festival. In Wilmington, North Carolina in 2013? Something young. Something early. Sounds accurate. And then I wasn't drinking because I don't drink. And you weren't drinking because you were having like stomach things or heart things or some other. All kinds of things.

That was the year I almost died. Yeah, that was it. There's been a couple years like that in my life. Yeah. It was a fun time. I was drinking. Well, I was smoking weed. Right.

And then we just started talking. And I'm an overshare where I'll just tell you everything about me within the first five minutes. And that's how we became friends. Right. and you started, I don't know if this is right when we met, but you started talking about Alan, your boyfriend at the time now, husband or husband at the time? He worked at a place that at that time called Cannibal. Uh-huh, the cannibal.

And it's like a barbecue joint. It's a beer, yeah, beer place. You weren't there at that moment. And then you started noticing that it was making our mutual friend, Trey and his mutual friend Matthew Shedorn. So uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. He's a vegan and he's also very, I don't think he'd mind me saying.

And if he does, I don't give a shit. neurotic. Yeah, and a proud vegan. Yes. And you were noticing that he's getting uncomfortable, but instead of reacting either by being like, I'm sorry, I'll stop, or even like making fun of him,

you pretended not to notice and just kept going. You started describing all the meat plates. If I have a story to tell, I'm going to tell it. With details. You know, and you're just part of the carnage. Shedorn is also, I mean, and you had just met him, but Shadorn is one of those people that, like, it's fun to make him uncomfortable.

Right. I didn't even realize it. Because it's humorous. I don't believe you. I know. I didn't realize it. And then when you guys started laughing, I was like, oh, this is fun. Okay.

And then he started sweating. And there was a moment where he goes, oh, my God, I think I'm going to faint. Because you were like, you know, and there's just like meat trays. And sometimes it's like medium rare. There's just blood all over it. I mean, at least in my head. That's like the detail you were going into. Well, they have a pig's head that they're famous for.

That is what you said. Put a pig's head on a platter and you eat the eyeball and the ears and the snout. And right at that moment, and she don't go, I'm going to faint. Yeah. And I thought he was joking. I just met him. I'm like,

you're a guy. I don't know. I think it's very judgmental of me to think all men are comfortable. And he was not comfortable. No. And that was fun for you guys. It was so much fun.

He was so upset. Where is this fucking place? It's here. It's on like 28th Street. You're close to it. You're on 23rd right now. For everybody listening. We might have the exact location.

It's fucking can't. So then later that night, we were giving You were right home. Shadorn was driving because you were drunk. I guess you didn't want, maybe he just volunteered and I was too high. He volunteered. It was his car and I think he was drunk.

That's right. He was his car. And he was drunk. And I didn't know him enough to go like, oh, this is a problem. But I was like, all right, you guys are fun. Really. I could get murdered in so many states.

Anyway. I get murdered. Probably 50. Probably 50. I'm a very easy target. So I was like, let's go. Because we were all staying at the same hotel. Right.

Not in the same room in the same hotel. because that's where all the performers stayed. And he was driving, and it was a risky, rough drive home. And he was nervous. And he had to drive through all these cones. Like, it was the time, like, of course, like, it's late at night, and he had, like, all these cones, and he had to do, like, an obstacle course while being drunk,

and we then proceeded to talk more about meats. And to make fun at him and it's driving. But what you were doing that was killing me is you were saying to Matt, you were like, oh, my God, you're doing so good, stay calm. You're totally getting through these cones. You're doing great. And then you'd whisper to me, he's going to fucking kill us. You know that, right?

And I would crack up. And then he'd be like, why are you laughing, Drew? And he had no idea that you were anti. Like, he thought you were just supporting him. Oh, I thought he heard me. You were killing me. Oh, good. As far as I know, he didn't, because I tried to tell this story to him later.

And he doesn't remember. And he was like, no, Caleb was being nice. You guys are being a dicks. And I'm like, oh. He was saying that that night, too. Like, he kept saying things. Like, you know, you guys should be nice. Like, she's being nice.

I am not nice. And you were like, yeah, guys, stop being sober. He's going to murder us. I did think I was going to die that night. I did think I was going to die. I was like, wow, I am sober and it's going to go down. I'm going to remember all of it. Yeah.

Well, here's a segue. That didn't kill you. And you know what else didn't kill you? My tip. Yeah, that's what my book's about. Let's dive in on that. Your book is out. It's called Dangerous Boobies.

Yes. Breaking up with my time bomb breasts. That's my book. Yeah. Yeah. I wrote it because. I have the BRCA genetic, I have the BRCA genetic mutation. And when I got the diagnosis, doctor said at the time,

I had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer in my life. Which is insane, you guys. Like, 87% chance is a good grade. Like, if you gave me that, I'd be like, I'm smart. Yeah. But, and like somebody, some asshole said to me once, like, well, it's not 100%. Why were you so scared? And I was like, to put that on your brain, and I got tested at like 20s, early 20s,

It just really, really fucked me up. Was that a guy? Yes. Yeah, I knew that was a guy. Another guy said to me, like, how it's an abomination against God, what you're doing. Yeah, a lot of things. Surgery? Yes, because my tits were huge, you guys.

You didn't know me then. They were 32 Gs. They were. So his abomination line was, like, about how he liked your tits? Yeah, about, like, if you had tits that big, it's an abomination to do anything to them. The more you explain. I know. This guy is gross.

He, so we did meet. and I didn't know about it. Wait, did you meet me when my tits were huge? No, I didn't. I'm upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I get it. That's such a shitty thing.

I'm so happy you're talking now, though. I'm like, you're a part of this. I've had to get beer. Yeah, you know, you're doing your thing. So I, so my dad is the only surviving person in his family. They've all died of cancers. Oh, my God. So growing up, I was actually born nine months after my aunt died of breast cancer at 33.

and I in the Jewish tradition it's crazy you guys it's great but they say like if the next born is like the you name them after the person who most recently died or somebody in the family so the family was like Caitlin you are saving our lives because Aunt Iris just died and now you're like you're the birth and your life and recreation so I knew from the moment I was born that like I'm here because my aunt died wow and it's so much pressure put on a baby I don't know much but I knew about death immediately. Right, you're just telling a four-year-old, like, hey, no pressure, but you replace somebody we cared about. Right. And then also... You're a Jewish savior, a tale as old as time. Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. So, and then, so, and I remember, like, as a kid, like, if my parents would leave the house, I'd say, like, I love you goodbye, because I, like, understood what the last words, like, your last words before somebody dies. And I wanted to make sure to say the last words were I love you before they died. Because I thought anytime they left the house, they'd die. Like, guys, I was morbid. Right. You were already a morbid person.

I was already more of a person. When you got this news that there is an 87% chance you'll get breast cancer. Right. And then they gave me that diagnosis. And I was just like, I think I was 25 when I got the diagnosis. Okay. And so then when they told me that, I was like, oh, fuck. Like, you might as well just say I have breast cancer.

Right. So it was too close for me. Or some people might, like, I know some women that don't, it's not 100% so they don't want to think about it. And like your percentage is raised over time. So it's 87 when you're. like into your 60s and 70s, but when you're in your 30s, it's not as high the risk of getting it. But then it slowly grows.

And I was like, but that thought of like... Kind of like cancer. Yes, exactly, like cancer. But that thought of like, oh, so I'll get it when I have kids or I'll get it when my body's through metapause and maybe it won't heal as fast as a 20-year-old's body. Like, that just really screwed with me. And that, and I got drunk and got wasted and drank the pain away for years and I had to get like sober.

And then I got sober and was like, oh, this is what I'm running away from. That was it. You feel like that was a big part of your drinking issues? Well, it was an amazing excuse because, like, who's not going to get a sad girl crying in a bar a drink because she might one day maybe have cancer? Like, you really can't argue with that. Did anyone do that, like, more than once, though?

I feel like the fifth time you could be like, all right, we get it. You might have cancer. I was a bummer. I was a bummer. My poor husband, he was like, can we just, we would go to brunch and he'd be like, just don't talk about babies or cancer. because like I would just both would make me cry. So we had like rules to not talk about it.

Well, the timing of this book then is great in terms of the cancer situation is. The cancer's done. Nipped in the butt and there's a baby. And now there's a baby. Are you going to name the baby after someone who died in your family? Yes. Yeah.

You're carrying it on? I really am. Well, don't tell them the awful story. I will tell them more celebration type thing. Yeah. But I think I think we're going to name them after like some amazing people for my family that like raised my parents and then my parents like, have been raising, have been taking care of my husband for the past 11, 12 years we've been together.

So they're a good family. They're just all dead. So, you know, that's what happens. Well, you know, those are the best families. They are. But I don't, so what, I mean, then what happened? Right. So I got the diagnosis, like, okay.

Panicked, got sober, got married, and then came to realize, like, oh, my God, I, I think I would want a preventative double mastectomy, which is what, Angelina Jolie had. She made public in 2013. And I was like, I think I actually, I would want this surgery. And it might be like the most incredible thing. And take away my fear, take away the risk of cancer. And also, like, give me control over these boobs that were just running my life, it felt like.

Because they were humongous. They were like, they'd ruin every outfit. They were, okay, they're a fan favorite. Like, everybody loved them. Right. But they were not fun to have on my body. I'm sure, yeah. Yeah.

And then add to that you found out that they are. are basically taking time bombs. Yeah. And it's like, and I am not a chill person who can like meditate through problems. Like I will cry, drink, eat, slam doors. Like, I am not, I'm not going to like work through.

I mean, I went to see a bunch of therapists. I was talking to my family. Like I did everything you should do. And I was still was like, I just don't want these on my person anymore. And another reason I decided to get the surgery is because I wasn't going to my doctor's appointments. Like when you get,

when you're positive for this mutation. So we all have the gene. but if you have the mutated version of the gene so if someone says I'm BRCA positive it means they're positive for the mutation because we all have BRCA it just stands for breast cancer gene it's just a new gene they discovered recently

and if you have the mutation it means that your body is less able to suppress or kill cancer cells so our bodies all have the ability to like let's say a cell is behaving badly our body knows to dispose of that cell just if you think about it like if you cut your lip your lip heals faster than if you cut your knee all of our cells know exactly what to do. So if there is like a rogue cell,

your body has its own, like, built-in force to get rid of those cells and dispose of them. But a cancer cell grows on its own accord. It decides how it wants to grow. And then it can also, like, manipulate other cells to be like it. So if you have the BRCA gene,

the mutation, that means that your body is less able to sort of either stop it from growing or stop killing it and all these things. So then your chances, are more likely because you have a less of an advantage to take care of those cells. Right. And so, what was I saying? I think you're, well, you were talking about processing all that information and then you said

you stopped going to the doctor. Oh, so because it happens so young, because it can happen to you so young, because you have that inability to stop those cells, you get to go to the doctor. They want to see you twice a year for breast screenings or for men for prostate and pancreas and even melanoma now. Like more things are coming out from the brocogen. And so it's recommended to go twice a year. Well, I wasn't going, I didn't go for two years.

Like, I just avoided it. Right. Because it was so intense. I didn't want to be a cancer patient. I was like, I don't have cancer. I have this like intense, maybe going to have cancer. So I just stopped taking care of myself. And then when I realized.

How long did that last? That was like a couple years, like two years of just not going to the doctor, maybe three. and then my dad was like, that's really unsafe. Like, you can do whatever you want, but you have to go to the doctor. Like, you are a rare case. Did they, when you first got the diagnosis, did they bring up a double mastectomy preventative at that moment? There, I talked about it in the book.

I called the doctor, This Bitch. And I just referred to her as this bitch for the whole chapter. So this bitch did say the second I got the diagnosis that we're going to remove your breasts. That was the first thing she said to me. She said, we're going to. We're going to. And then said, let me go get the results. Leaves me in the room by myself.

Comes back, reads the results to me. And then says, I'll leave you alone. Then fucking leaves me alone. And I'm by myself. And I have to call my parents and tell them the news. And it was like I was telling them I had cancer. Right. Because it was the closest thing.

We were all like waiting for it. And I just cried. That really started my drinking bender because I was just like, fuck life. Like I was so upset. And I knew I never wanted a mastectomy. I told everyone like, it's never. are happening. And because it wasn't, so genetic counselors are who I recommend everybody go to.

If you want to get any genetic testing, don't do a mailing kit. Don't Google it. Like, go to an actual person because they are a psychiatrist or therapist and scientists mixed in one. So they will explain to you everything going on with your genetic mutations, what's happening. They'll explain how to talk to your family, what it means for the next five years, what all your options are, like a really loving. wonderful, intelligent person.

But you didn't have that. I did not do that. I didn't. I just went to this bitch. And then I freaked out. And then years later, when I told my dad, like, I wasn't going to the doctor, I was like, let me go to, like, a genetic counselor. And they were so nice.

Did that, was that when you decided? Had you already decided to do it at that point? Or did they, I guess, convince you? I know. They did not convince me. They, in the beginning, I had to explain to them that I was one of the first young people, Like right after Angelina Jolie, there was a huge rush of young people trying to get the surgery because she made it more popular. And so there is this fear of like girls just emotionally like running into this decision and are you going to regret it later?

If you do pre-up kids, are you going to be upset? You can't breastfeed because in the surgery they remove all of that breast tissue and then give you a fake boob. And it's fun. It's really fun, guys. I'll talk all about the process. You get to fake it. It's real cool. But they were nervous that it was something we were rushing into.

And so I had to explain in detail to all of my doctors. doctors why I was getting it done. I'm much younger than the average patient. They were in their 40s, 50s at the time. So I was 28, 27, turning 28, got the surgery at 28, and had to walk through it all with them. And all the male doctors were just like, I don't know, let's let these tities ride for a little bit longer.

You're young. I did not see a male doctor. I was like, anti-men, which men are great, but I was like, really, there's apparently one doctor at the hospital who was great and is a man, and they said he had bad bedside manner. And I was like, no. I can't handle if a guy is kind of mean to me. Now this guy's going to be seeing my open tit chest flopping around and is going to be rough.

No way. Right. So I only saw like the kindest ladies. And they are great. Other than this bitch. Oh, this bitch. I never saw her again. No, fuck her.

So you talked about them being like, are you sure you're young? Was there any pushback anywhere else outside of that? I mean, I think my husband was like great. Like actually, I think this will give you a lot of peace of mind because all you do is talk about being afraid of dying of cancer. I didn't realize how much I talked about it, like, all the time. And so he was like, yes, please. Yeah, he's like, this could be great.

But he didn't think it would go as quickly as it did. Like, as soon as I decided I was doing it, I was like, okay, we're doing it in like three months. Like, it went speedy and I went full throttle. And he was like, oh, I thought like in a couple years. Like, he didn't realize it would go back. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye. No, I know. We had plenty of time with the tits.

It was really nice. He really enjoyed himself. And then. Was it like those Facebook posts when? like they're about to put a dog down so they make him have the best day of his life. Like they take him to McDonald's. You know what I mean? They put him in his favorite little shirt.

Yeah, I can imagine. They loved it. Just imagine it. Yeah. No, it was real fun. I'm wondering then, well, I don't want to skip ahead to the book too far. But did you, were you improving at that time, right? Yeah, I was doing improv and, yeah, just improv mainly.

and it was a really hard thing to pull away, you know, not being a very successful comedian at the time, just kind of like trying to get on like a UCB team, like just like trying so hard. And then pulling away and being like, and I'm going to leave the comedy community. Friends of mine are making TV shows and they're in movies and they're writing

and people are like getting incredible, doing like incredible stuff with their art. And I was like, I'm going to be in a hospital. So that was, it was hard. Was it, I know it was hard.

Did it take you long, though, to make decision? Or was it like, I'm doing it. I know you said once you decided, then it was three months later. Was that decision sort of immediate? Was it like one day, oh, fuck, I'm doing this? Well, it was a decision where I was like, oh, my God, this is, yeah, I had this moment. I was, like, in the backseat of a cab. And I was like, oh, my God.

Like, I'm waiting to do this. Why the hell would I wait? Like, if I can have that relief of not being afraid of cancer, finally loving my breasts in proportion to my body and feeling safe and providing that safety to my parents, like my dad. It's like my dad grew up with a, you know, as we grew up, was so afraid we would die of cancer. So if I can provide that to him five years before, why not give him that too? Like, why not have all of us have relief?

And then I was like, oh, shit, we're doing it. Like, it really happened in a cab ride across the 59th Street Bridge. That's really sweet of you to think of your dad and other people. But he's been through so much. What reasons are there to not do it? So you can do wonderful screenings. You can get screenings twice a year, and they're very very. very high-tech screenings.

So instead of the regular mammogram, they do an MRI, they can do an ultrasound. Like, it's really fine-tuned screenings that are fabulous. So you can do that. If you're comfortable and you can go to the doctor twice a year, sit in that cancer waiting room, do all of that, do it. I couldn't. I had too much anxiety. And the idea there is, if you do those regular checkups, if you do get it, we'll catch

it so early, that your survival rate will be as high as it would have been if you went ahead and did it? No, not the exact same because getting cancer and having cancer in your body is incredibly difficult. Like once cancer gets in your body, in your breasts also, you have to start fighting. You have to kind of go on all fronts to fight it. Sometimes chemo, a lot of times it's very difficult for the body to handle. It's also like kills other cells in the body that are healthy. The other thing too is that I was always afraid.

And some people, I had this experience seeing my family members go through this, but cancer can spread to your lymph nodes really quickly. And then once it's in your lymphatic system, it's a whole other thing. So I was never comfortable with the risk of knowing just too much. Like, I just knew too much about how breast cancer can take over your body. Right. But for some people, like, I have a friend of mine who is really connected to her breast. Like, she's a burlesque dancer.

Like, they're a part of her life. Right. And she does not want to do anything. And she wants to go to her screenings. Well, that was one thing that's sort of connected to the thing I was going to ask, which is I'm wondering if you felt any sort of, it's difficult as a man to ask this question. Do it. I just don't even know how to phrase it. I've been walking to you.

No, it's not that. Like, was there any, did you feel at all from the outside or from yourself, I'm losing a part of like being a woman here? No. So I was at first worried because I was like, Corey has a different question. Go ahead, Corey. It was similar, and I don't mean this to be a dick, but I know how hard this industry is already as a woman. Did that part cross your mind where you're like, oh, man, I've got these wonderful titties, and there's no way that's not going to at least help. That sounded horrible.

I don't mean it horrible. You know what you're meaning as sexuality, as a sexual package. So here's actually the thing. The first chapter is all about that. My breasts were so big, you guys. They weren't like, I know. They weren't like a cute, like, hot strippers' breasts where it's like they're fun and they're bouncing around. They were so big that they were like so cumbersome that they almost like started at my chin and went to my waist.

Like they weren't the kind of boobs. They looked amazing naked. But with clothes on, I looked like I was almost pregnant. Like people thought I was pregnant all the time. Or I looked like maybe homeless because I was covering up. If I wore T-shirts, like the writing was like, hello. Like I couldn't wear anything with words on it. It looked like a billboard instead of a t-shirt.

If I wore, like, kids used to ride down the street and call me big titties. Like, people would stare at me. Like, I was teased a lot. Like, it was, my breasts entered the room before I did. And, like, nowadays, I'll talk to people. And they were, like, people I was in improv class before. And they're like, oh, yeah, you had huge boobs. Like, people knew me as, like, Katie with the huge boobs.

Like, they were big tits. Right. And so, for me, I didn't want those acting roles because I want to be a comic and I want to have fun and I want to have control my body and I didn't want those parts I didn't ever feel comfortable playing like the sexy secretary because I felt like I was always over sexualized so like why when I choose to do something fun for me which is acting or art would I also jump into that part sure I'm I was constantly on the defense of men coming too close to my boobs or feeling like they were uggling me or feeling like they might attack me and I was attacked in college sure like a lot I mean who wasn't

Everybody had something happen to them, except for all you wonderful men. But, no, we were fine. You guys were great. But like every girl, like, so I had that experience, too, I was like, these body parts are really, like, I have as much control as I have. But the way the world's responding to them and treating me is not a way I like. So I really wrapped them, locked them down. Right. Like, I'd wear, like, multiple layers, like a compression bra, a shirt underneath, another tank top.

Like, I wore multiple layers. And it was like if I had to exercise, I had to wear two bras. Like there was just, it was a pain, such a pain. And they were great for sex. I mean, sex, they were like shining bright. But I wasn't having sex 24 hours. I'm not a porn star. So it was like in my regular life, that wasn't how I wanted to represent myself.

Sure. And then. And then. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you did. No, I don't. But that's a big part. And like, that is a way. That's a character.

Like, this sexy lady is a character. But I'm also like five foot two, not even five foot two, I'm five foot one and a half. And with tits that big, like it all just kind of looked odd. I felt odd. It wasn't, I didn't feel like I looked like a hot Baywatch girl running around. Like, it was all just kind of compressed. And then when Angelina Jolie came out and she's so public and she is using sexuality to her advantage and she is being using it as like a tool, I'm like, oh, if she doesn't care,

who am I? Like, four people saw me naked. Right. Like, it's not, I'm not, like, going around. Like, I'm not getting cast for my tits. Or if I wouldn't even want to audition for those roles. Sure. So for me, I was like, oh, if she doesn't care, it's not that precious.

And the one thing I will say is if anybody makes me, if there's ever, like, a nude scene or something, I'd have to be in a bra because I have scars. Or they'd have, like, a body double. But I'd like to get cast in a movie. Like, I would just like to get cast, period. But then afterwards, I have felt way better auditioning and performing, and I've gotten more work than ever. Speaking of scenes, and you've probably been asked about this before, did you see Tignitaro's scene in One Mississippi? I didn't see it in One Mississippi, but I saw her stand-up. There's a sex scene in one Mississippi.

And she has her... And she gets topless and scars. And then the actress that she's hooking up with in the scene starts to find out. Bisk of the Scars. And TIG is a very unique actor. She's great. You know what I mean? But a very good one.

I don't think she could not be herself. Exactly. But in that moment, she looked so uncomfortable. Yeah. But not Tign Tartarro's uncomfortable. No, the character, like, I felt like it was the character. Like, this woman's looking at my... I felt like the character was uncomfortable, not Tick Nizsar of the actor.

And I thought it was fucking awesome. Well, it's her show, too. So I'm sure she wanted to put that in. And she's comfortable if she's creating that scene. in a sense. You know what I mean? Like the performer and the artist is comfortable.

I am... Did you have any discomfort with the book or any worries about it? I talk a lot about sex in the book. A lot. Like, like almost too much.

My grandma said it was quite raw. But at the time when I was getting the surgery, all I wanted to know was about sex. That's all I wanted... I'm like, these are sexy body parts. Like, will sex be different? Like, will my husband look at me

like I'm going to crack? Or will he look at me like I'm falling apart? and like can I still be sexy? Like am I still like a hot, fun, spankable slut? Like sometimes you want to be that. Sure. But like if you're-

I want to be that most of the time. You know? But if you're laying in bed and you have surgical scars and your bandages and you're having trouble getting up to pee, like it's not sexy.

So I was really worried. I think like most women talk about like you have this after you give birth. You're kind of in a fragile state and it's like I hope this all shit heals up quick because I still want to be, I still want to be myself.

So I was really nervous. Was it the hardest? part or the biggest fear in the book? That was one of the biggest fears. Well, I hate needles and I hate surgery. So that's the other thing. Like, whenever I went to the doctor, I almost passed out all the time. So I'm like not good in hospitals.

And I chose to have this massive surgery. So that was a cool thing I did to myself. But, yeah, I was really afraid of all of the sex. And then I had it and it was wonderful. It's all in there. You'll see. You'll see. Pain meds help.

The scars, do they look the same as the scars that women who are have boob jobs have? No. So it's totally different. So when you have a preventative double mastectomy, I want to save a whole thing out, what they do is they have to remove all of the breast tissue. So that's tissue that you use for breastfeeding. That's tissue to use to support your boob, everything.

They don't take the muscle, though. So they remove everything, and they put the implant behind your peck muscle. And then they put, and like, so depending on the size of it, they either, you take a time with something called spacers where they space it out and create the space for the implant or you do direct implant which is just in one surgery. So at first I was really grossed out and I was like that's disgusting like I don't want anything anywhere but my doctor was telling me that so when a woman has breast implants the implant is sitting on top of the breast tissue. So the implant's actually under your skin. Now when you have the mastectomy the implant has to be inside your muscle almost like

a muscle bra because without the breast tissue, there's nothing there to support the implant. So it's not the same surgery. It's not like you can do a little cut and put the implant in. You have to have a surgery where you remove all of the tissue. So they really do like open up your chest, remove all of the tissue and then put in your implant in whatever kind of the way, there's multiple ways they can do it and then seal that up. So I have it right across the middle of my breasts is just a scar. So where my name is, nipple would be, there's enough where I could have like really low, fun, low cut cleavage. And then let's say like where my nipple would start is a scar that goes just like maybe three inches.

But it's really small and it's really great. I did a great doctor. Some women don't always have that. Some women do have a scar under the breast. And some women have a scar that looks like an anchor, like it comes up under the breast and goes around the nipple. There's like so many things you can do. And it really just depends on what you want your boobs to look like and what your doctor suggest.

So what did you want your boobs? I wanted, I wanted like, so, there's so many choices. I was like, do I get those 70s

like ski slope boobs that are like always sepia toned? You know, like they're kind of like, they and like puffy nipples. Yeah, I'm like, that's kind of cool.

I was like, that one look good at me. And then I was like, I think I want like, I think I wanted like 80 stripper or 90s stripper like Baywatch boobs that are just like high and circular.

Like I wanted, I wanted that. That was like the boobs in my childhood. Did you get, uh, nipples tattooed on? No, I can't commit to a nipple to save my life. So like, wait, that's a thing that's going on with you right now is you want to get a nipple tattoo,

but you can't figure out which nipple you want? Guys, there's so many options. How many options are you? So if I have titty-bitty, like, itty-bitty, like cute tiny nipples, like Coachella nipples that, like, saw the sun for the first day, like, but would they look good when I'm in my 70s? Like, should I get old nipples that I can grow into? Guys, they can do the protrusion, like they can do the length of the nipple itself so you can look like you've milked a million kids or like you've never had a baby.

Yeah. And they do the size of the ariola. The ariola can be like CDs or like quarters. I feel like this is a fair question. If it's not, I'm sorry. Does Alan get any say and does he have an opinion? He was, yes. And his opinion was the jig is up.

Like I saw you go through the surgery. Let's not bullshit each other and get fake nipples. Like he's like, he's like, look. Like we went. I helped you like stand up again. Like we don't need to fuck around and pretend you up. He was like, this is how you look like. We went through the surgery together.

Right. Let's not bullshit each other and think that. And it's really funny, but I was like, if anything happens to him, God forbid, if he dies, I'm getting nipples. Because I don't think another man would be that sensitive and supportive. He's so lovely. But he was just like, no, like, this is what happened to you. Like, kind of proud and these are your scars and this is what you look like because you took this like really cool, strong, you know, I mean, this huge decision. I was like, okay, cool. It kind of took the pressure away. But there's so much crazy shit, you guys.

Does the career have any effect on that? I mean, was there ever a moment where if you weren't acting that you would have maybe not gotten anything done? Or were you like, no, I would have gotten boobs no matter what? So I always wanted a breast reduction, always. But if you reduce the size of your breasts without the mastectomy, those cells, no matter if you have a lot of breast tissue or a little breast tissue, those cells are always at risk of becoming cancerous. So that doesn't really change. The hardest part with the acting thing was just like, you, like we all know, like pulling away from the career and taking time to take. care of yourself, you feel like you're missing it.

Like, and especially with social media. People are posting their shows. People are doing new bits. And it's like you feel like I felt like I was like out of the loop. And I felt like God, I would like lose my, I'd lose my edge or I'd lose my, like, I guess weirdly like lose your friends. It's like a very like young childish thing. But like, you know, I was like out of the club.

You know, I had to go get help. And it took me a long time to heal. And I was pretty depressed after the surgery. because the surgery went well. It looked gorgeous. Everything was fine. But I was surprised at how slow it took my body to heal. Like I had never had a surgery before.

And like, thank God, I didn't have anything wrong with me as a child. So after surgery, your body takes a long time to sort of get back to its fighting shape again. Because even if you look okay on the outside, you're still healing on the inside, especially if you have a mastectomy. There's so much tissue and everything moved around. things cut open, things healing. And so you can have, you mentally can be healed, but then you're still exhausted. Like I would have to sleep.

I was working a day job and would have to sleep in like the back office because I was so tired at lunch. And so that was when I got really depressed because when I didn't have control, I felt like I didn't have control over my body and I didn't know what would happen. And I was nervous. It actually made me feel, I think it prepared me for this pregnancy. Because when you're pregnant, you have zero. control.

And I was like, I've been here, done that. Had my tits off. I'm fine. Is there one, is there, you know, if women have this situation, is there any advice that you give them? I would say that like you have to, so go to a genetic counselor always, to not do anything where someone just hands you a printout because never in your life are you given this type of information that not only affects you, affects your family members.

And if it really, really messed with my brain for a long time. And I didn't know it would because I had never had that before. So I'd say always go to genetic counselor. And there's a lot of wonderful groups now popping up. Like if you Google like BRCA network, like there's so many support groups popping up. And then I'll also just say like be patient because your body is going to tell you how it's going to heal. Like you can say doctors told me I could work out in six weeks and there was no way I was working out in six weeks. Like I personally just felt too tired, too sluggish.

I just wasn't there yet. So I had a lot of judgment on how an assumption of how I should be, but just like be as loving as you can because your body didn't do anything wrong. You know, it's like just like be kind to yourself because it's a huge deal. Right. But you can do it. You got anything else right? No, I just, I'm very impressed by your ability to not hate your body despite its fact because I hate mine all day all the time. And I haven't had any issues with that.

You have a great body, true. Oh, thank you. You have a great body. You have no idea. It's the worst. He means because of ailments, not looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of it.

Yeah, yeah. No, not aesthetically. I mean, that too. But that's not what I'm saying. But you said your body didn't do anything wrong or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's really, that's really sweet. That's a good attitude to have. Because seriously, I sit around all.

How often do I tell you how much my body don't hurt? All day. All the time. My stomach sucks. I hate my gun. I mean, you do, all three of us do that. Don't let them act like they don't do that. Well, you guys don't treat your bodies that well.

Okay. Okay. I love you all, but. I was just sitting here thinking like how hard I would laugh if a doctor told me, like, you'll be ready to work out again in six weeks. Okay. Yes. Where can they get the book, Dangerous Boobies?

You can get it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Target, and maybe your local bookstore. Cool. I went into a couple and they're like. Those exist? I know. I went into one and asked and they were like, we don't have it. I was like, do you plan on getting it? They were like, no.

And I was like, well, I wrote it. Have you bought it yet? I have given it as gifts. I'm in person, though. Like, have you gone into the store? I went to a store and asked if they had it and they did not have it. And I was like, are you planning on getting it? And they're like, no.

Apparently, if you're not a real housewife, your book isn't going to be on every shelf. Oh, me tell us about it. I don't think I've ever went into a bookstore and it, like, Anytime I've went into a bookstore and then I look, anytime I'm in one, I'm like, I'm going to see if our books in here. I don't think I've ever seen it. I've seen it twice. Other than when we, you know, like when we go to one for a book event, obviously.

Oh, yeah. But I mean, that don't count. I wouldn't count those. Right, yeah. No, it's, I mean, writing a book is so hard. Really? The advertising and publicity. I did it by myself.

We did it by myself. We didn't have cancer. I didn't either. Yeah. No. What? You have all the time? I see our book all the time

And I also have Get people Snapchat and it Like hey I'm at a you know Barnes and Noble or whatever And in another day Right I want to see it in person No I hear you

But I'm saying I've seen it too much And also remember the other day Somebody was at Ollie's bargain hunt And saw our book For three dollars Where do you Where do you see it all the time at Because I'm not like lying

Like I've been in bookstores And look I was just in one in fucking Burbank The other day Well Burbank Yeah I know, well, that's kind of what I'm saying. He's in, like, he's in Chattanooga. So I don't mean, if you're talking about actual local little mom and pop things,

well, we don't have many of those. That's what you said. But I've seen it at, we, I go to Barnes & Noble a lot because there's one at the mall when I take LJ out. And of course, I fucking snoop over there, see it every time there. That's probably the same copy. Same copy. But no, when we go on the road and we, you know, go out and I'm in a book,

so, yeah, I mean, I see it. It's there. Well, Kaelin has to get to rehearsal, and I don't, I can't imagine. anything she'd be less interested in than listening to us talk about where our book is. The book struggles are really, you guys. I do have one question for you before you go. Maybe you're not telling people what's your baby's name. Oh, I don't know the name yet. There's like a couple family members, but the thing is, is that we have a couple dead family members.

I know there are so many deadies. We really wanted a girl because that's fun, and we're having a boy, and we didn't have any boy names. There's no dead dudes. There's a couple dead dudes. What'd you kill an uncle? So many. I'm going to kill an uncle. Hi, guys. Look, this is really for my child. Yeah, so we didn't have any boy names picked.

We had girl names for years. Yeah. They have so many girl names. Well, that was a little silly on your part. I know. It was real dumb. Yeah. You shouldn't have done that.

It was real dumb. Yeah. But they're so pretty and cute. You had all your literal eggs. Yeah. In that basket. In the wrong basket. In the wrong one.

And then a boy came out. Well, thank you. Thank you, guys. This is amazing. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I love you guys. You came away.

So excited. All right, well, see you next time, everybody. Thank you. Skew. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you, good night, and Skew.