wellRED podcast - #50 - Keepin It 'Tween The Cheeks / The Hawaiian Missle Crisis

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

From our hotel in lovely Phoenix, Arizona we discuss the Emergency Alert System Text failure in Hawaii, what makes us cry, and how the tour has taken a toll on us physically!  Click here to get a sweet tootbrush from our sponsors at Quip!Click here for tickets to see us live!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the skew universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

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So that was money. What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first. But then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

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They're the. What's up everybody? It's the show tour updates. As always, this portion of the podcast is brought to you by our friends at smokyboysgrilling.com. Go to smokyboys grilling.com. Pick up a t-shirt. Pick up some of their smoky dust. hog rub.

It is absolutely fantastic. They share recipes on the website, so go check them out. Tell them we said hello. You can also get it in places near me, such as Chickamauga, Udawa, Ace Brainerd at the Elders, Ace Hardwheres, but online at Smokey Boys grilling.com. We are going to be, if you go to well-read comedy.com, W-E-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com, spelled just like the podcast.

You'll see all the dates. Coming up, Aston, North Carolina, Dallas, Texas, Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas. We've got some dates in Michigan. We've got some dates in Minneapolis. Everywhere. We're coming everywhere. Just go to well-redcom.com and check it out. Tickets are going insanely fast, and we want you to see you there.

And anyways, yeah, skew. And also, if you don't see your city on the website, just know that that's just dates up until like, you know, July. So we'll probably be there come fall or winter. So skew again. Well-redcommodity.com. Love you. Thank you.

Well, well, well. Would it hit for y'all or not hit for y'all to wake up in the morning to an alert saying you were about to be vaporized? Just totally that's just. It would not hit. Well, depending on how I feel right now, I would go back to sleep. Right. But for the most part, no, that would not hit. Also, man, unless it hit right on your.

your head. I don't think you die immediately. No, in fact, okay, so in case anybody doesn't know, I ask that question because of what just happened in Hawaii, they got a false alarm that said, ballistic missile incoming, seek shelter

immediately, this is not a drill. So that's why I brought it up. But yeah, no, you're right. Because of all that, I read all this shit on the internet about it. And apparently, of course you did. You've got to be, you're right. Like, you don't. It's not like

if somebody fucking shot a ballistic missile at Honolulu, everybody on the big island would just be fucking vaporized. That's not at all how it works. Like, and a lot of them actually would probably end up being, like would live through it. But a whole lot of people wouldn't, and it would be very shitty for the ones that were in the middle of that,

yeah, of that, you know, spectrum. They grow up third arm or something shit. Yeah, it'd be fucking brutal. Have you ever seen, and if you haven't,

do not look it up. Is it Kosovo? Is that? No, Chernobyl. Chernobyl, yeah, Kosovo is a, that's like a refugee fucking situation, I think.

Yeah, so that is a country. Chernobyl is a city where they had a plant explode. And no one lives now within like 200, 300 or 300 miles of it. I don't know all the details.

You know, I'll be fucking up details. But the big picture is people who were kids around that area who got out and survived, dude, again, if you ain't seen it,

don't look it up. But like, I saw this picture of this one dude, one of his legs, was just like seven feet long. What? For real?

Yeah. That don't hit. Man, it, they look. No, I don't. They got like radiation. Objectively does not hit. Jesus. They just look awful.

I mean, and they are like their life that seemingly don't hit. Yeah, but, you know, turns out in Hawaii, nothing was happening. It was just a straight up mistake. Buddy, you talk about getting your ass fired. Oh. Like, how many people have ever been fired as hard as whoever did that just got their ass fucking. and fired. Yeah.

And like, God, I can't imagine just going into the next job. Why did you leave? Yeah. So why did you leave

Homeland Security? Well, well, what had happened was? You remember a couple weeks ago when your uncle had a heart attack? That was my fault.

Lord. That's insane. Speaking of that. It can't be just one person. Surely it can't be because it was 38 minutes, right? That's how long the false alarm

was out there. The technical one. I heard a from some people in Hawaiian shit that said they got it and then got on like Twitter for like local news stations or whatever local police departments and stuff and were told no it's fine nothing's happening it's fine but the like the official the official from Homeland Security or FEMA whoever it was that said that the official rebuttal or not rebuttal but re what am I try to say retraction retraction retraction didn't come until 38 minutes later yeah Yeah, and that's a long fucking time to think you're about to fucking die. I don't give a fuck if it's five goddamn minutes. That's, like, that's longest five minutes of your life. Because this kind of.

Man, but five minutes makes more sense to me. It does. Like, that's how long it takes to correct a problem on the internet. Right. But, like, clearly y'all know y'all fucked up. Can you? Yeah, no, you know what? That's weird.

I hadn't even really. Yeah, why wasn't there another text that came out? Right. Just sent another one. Our bad. Yeah. I mean, yeah. some kind of test was going on.

that's what I think okay this is interesting what do you mean how the public responds in that situation or perhaps how quickly Hawaii or our system in general works like how can you actually test a system just with some bullshit this is only a test it would be a real no you got to actually see what happens when you put it in action huh that's interesting and why ain't nobody been fired publicly well I'll tell you what if it was some kind of covert test uh the results that came back had to be pretty discouraging or damning if what they're trying to ascertain is

what would we do? What would we do? Because I think what most people did took to Twitter. Or just freaked the fuck out because what they realized and I'd be the same way. We're not prepared. A lot of people said they like,

they know where to go. And we're like, okay, and start like getting dressed and stuff. And then they get stressed and then they're dressed and then they're like, where we go?

I have no idea what to do now. I have no idea where to go or what to do or anything. And so, yeah. I wouldn't be getting dressed. I can go ahead and tell you that. Weather's fine in Hawaii. I'm just dying naked.

That'd be the last thing I'll follow. Oh, God, I hope I die naked. You will, buddy. And if you don't, I'll take all your clothes off before they find you. Thank you, you. You're welcome. This is what he would have wanted. It is.

I don't know, dude. That's fucked up if that is what happened. Because, like, sincerely, it's extremely possible that there was people who, you know, maybe have been on the brink of a heart attack anyways, and that could have sent their ass over the edge. Or, and I don't think they could hide this. maybe it was real and then the threat was taken care of it right yeah that i don't think they could hide that i don't think so either not right they would want you to know they'd be like yeah we took that

roncti would want you to know but even if even if even if our government tried to hide it i don't think in this day and age you could hide it because there's other governments who have that kind of speaking of what about how they just released video of a UFO and they were like yeah there's UFOs and no one gave a fuck the one in la that we're saying it was from it was from that Air Force footage, right? That's what you're talking about. Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man. They released it.

Yeah. They released it. Well, it's because, like, that's how fucking crazy and insane and shitty everything is. It's just like, you have-o's come out and people. We're just like, hey, ain't nobody got time for that shit. Right. We got our own people to worry the fuck about. Everybody getting raped out here.

We can't worry about this shit right now. But you're right. You're reminded me of that viral video, that old boy in Alabama. They're raping everybody out of here. Rapeing everybody. Hide your kids. Hide your wire. yeah yeah

these aliens yeah uh uh fuck what was I gonna say but yeah that was like it was like

it was filmed is these air force jet pilots on a training mission over the ocean somewhere and they found these fucking wild

ass UFOs and the footage I want to say is from like the mid a alt sometime I'm like 05 or oh six or something

and it wasn't public for a long time but then it got released recently and there were a couple a couple huge write-ups on it because I saw those, but like just a total blip. Like, it barely got any recognition at all. Because that's a pretty wild-ass thing for the federal, for our government to just be like,

yeah, that's a straight-up UFO. Because typically, you know, it's like, oh, it was a weather balloon or whatever else. And people are like, bullshit. Yeah. But, like, even they were like, yeah, we have no fucking idea what that was. And that's pretty insane. That's not the type of shit. they just admit to.

And I've always wondered or been intrigued to see what happened with the world's religions if it becomes just absolutely 100% certain that they're aliens. And I feel like no alien movies address that. Maybe because it would be bogged down and it wouldn't be a good part of the story. But like, you know, like, what's that movie we saw that I made a slate to? Arrival. No, I didn't make a slate. We had a phone interview.

And I insisted we do it. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, you technically did the right thing. But you were right and wrong at the same time, which, you know, is can... Did y'all have to see contact? Yeah, Jody Foster? Yeah, one of the main...

Kind of is a religion. The male lead in that movie, one of the male leads, at least, is Matthew McConaughey, and his character is a priest or preacher or whatever. That sounds vaguely familiar. And that's like the whole, his whole part of the story is... I should rewatch that. What does this mean spiritually? I wonder if I saw that?

That's a fucking awesome movie. I wonder if I saw that. movie and was like, yeah, man, it is interesting. What would religions do? And then in my head, I had just come up with that thought on my own. You know what's interesting as to me is I think yeah, a bunch of religious people would freak out. But me as a non-religious person,

I think that would make me go back to being. I'd be like, okay, well, that makes sense. Jesus was a goddamn alien. That's what that was. They are all right. And the pyramid people. I leap in judgment. From my perspective, but. Well, there's not for him.

People have had that. No, I know. I said, that's what I said from my people have had that theory for a while. like, well, if Jesus, if y'all are correct and that's all real, then that just, Jesus was artificially insominated by a goddamn alien that came down here, and that's just what all that was. Wait a man, hold on, okay. They built the pyramids.

They are Jesus. That's all part of the same. And they envisied. I mean, kind of. Ancient aliens part of it. Is that how Jesus got to be? Yeah, it's like that's only other way to explain it. I don't think it's always a part of it.

Okay. But I think the people who ascribe to it, ascribe to the pyramid theory. And then, of course, they invented Cheetos. Everybody knows that. Because I'm generally aware of the whole ancient. aliens thing with like the pyramids and all that shit i didn't know jesus came into it time out our ball powder i gory just stood up for context to everyone in his underwear and his balls are so huge and you we got brought ball powder on friday by a fan and it was supposed to be in that box and it wasn't

in there i got it's in your backpack it was the backpack was he's trying to keep all that shit to himself dude you he finally showed up in person and had you in you a bottle and he's done confiscated No. That was at the club when I went to get my backpack and he said, is this your bag? And I said, I don't think, I ain't got no goddamn coach bag. And he just reached in it and I saw the t-shirt. And I was like, oh, okay, I'll bring that back to. What's the name of that company?

Fromunda. Fromunda. Yeah. Like it. Fromunda. Yeah. Fromunda. Cheese.

Yeah. From under my nuts. Kiss my butt. Well, Formanda. Yeah. Yeah. I said, I thought I recognized that. I'm a bird about it.

Yeah. It's, uh, fuck. I mean, the part I said, anyway. We are going to Hawaii. and I don't want there to be any kind of alert while we're there. I can't believe. There is one. If I'm not with Corey at that time, I'll be furious.

Now, I mean, in fairness, if it happens when we're all there, like, my kids will be there too, so Corey will be the least of my concerns. But in a vacuum, that's where I'll be. If that was going to happen, yeah, I'll just bring him with me. He's one of them. I'll saddle him up with the other boys. It's like, I got to tell you, I think especially, that's a skittal. But you're right.

right though. There is something blue in the floor. Outside of that context. And Corey goes, shit, it's a skittal. Outside of that context, I would love to see Corey go through that exact situation.

False alarm. You're about to die threat. And I'll tell you the same thing I just told you. I'm not mean enough to do it, but I wish I was mean enough to fake one. If it was the morning after one of our shows, please let that motherfucker land right here. So I don't have to like.

Dude, if one's coming, I want it to land on me. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Because I don't want to survive, but like again like we were talking about to like grow an extra leg or just like

deal with all the death around I'd be terrified I mean when we dropped the bombs on Japan we probably talked about us on podcasts before the whole country just became atheists yeah yeah like they just just made an entire people give up on the notion of hope

because if there was no God would ever allow what just happened to us to happen and I don't think you can overstate just how traumatic of an experience that must have been and so that's what I'm saying like if I'm in an area area that's about to get bombed.

Please, both because of the physical and mental repercussions, let it fall on my head. Well, I can go and tell you I wouldn't move, just because where would I, like, where the fuck I'm going to go? Maybe underground. If there's an underground option. But if there was that, but when, you know, when is that a thing, wherever you're at most of time? I was going to say you could go get in the ocean and then that you might be protected, but a tidal wave's probably coming at some point if the bomb.

I'd be out there. I'd survive and then get by a fucking shark while I was going, hell yeah, I made it. And they just ate my butt hole out. wouldn't hit for a second Shark could get it down there down there trying to tip fucking gill before I go

just holding two puffer fishes on both sides just like god damn it then you end up totally surviving all that yeah and you're one of the only ones and they ask you for your recounting of the experience whatever it's like god damn

you know I don't really remember I don't know what happened I just a lot of blank spots of my memory It was very harrowing. Blacked out. Just cut to you fucking a shark's guild. Started to get it. Ain't puffer fish, like, real painful when you step on them, don't they send spikes into you?

Some puffer fish are actually. Straight up kill your ass. Yeah, probably. I'm pretty sure. But the stepping on them thing, that's like, that's mostly like jellyfish is shit, right? Which don't hit. I bet there's been people who've been stung by a jellyfish on their genitalia. Uh-huh.

That does not hit. No. that don't hit I've got stung by jellyfish all ever been stung by jellyfish What's that feel like? A bee sting times 30 Don't

And you get dizzy Like in a wider area too? No more A little bit But that's not Your whole arm hurts And you're hot and sweaty And covered in sand

Don't hit Yep What'd you do about it When laid down Went to like Went to bed The rest of the day How old were you

Like a kid or an adult I was Like I was probably in college Or high school So was you drunk I don't think because I feel like my brother was there, so it must have been a family thing. Is this the type of thing where...

No, Dustin was... Dustin got stung by a jellyfish. When he drove us down, my brother, when he drove us down to Miami, I got stung by jellyfish in Australia. Never mind. But all the men in my family. Is this the type of thing? Except my dad, who will get it in Hawaii.

It was funny. It's funny, like, you said that. Right of passage. I remember when I got stung by, yeah, right. All the men in my family, us Morgan's. Yeah. Stop getting stung by these. God damn.

God damn. Yeah. Sleep blobs. We were in, I was in Australia when them manor wars were on the move and you weren't allowed in the water. Some's the ones that kill you. That's just wild. Yeah, dude.

Fuck the sea. Jellyfish live, some of them for like 250,000 years. Yeah. Because they ain't got no fucking brain. It's one of those things that's like they're biologically immortal. Yeah. They don't, they don't just die. They have to be killed by something.

Yeah. That's fucking nothing. That's crazy. They're like depression. They are, yeah. There's a bunch of people talk about how they're aliens like that, because that's the only shit there is. It's like that.

And like how that's... I think there's interbacteria like that. Well, I, but like, yeah, I mean, I guess. But, well, that shit's probably alien too. I don't know, hell, but they said something. Actually, the bacteria or what you're, they're not bacteria. What you're probably thinking of, they're called, one of the things they're called is water bears,

but they're, uh, that's not the technical name, scientific. I know what you're talking about. They're very popular these days. There's a lot of T-shirts with them on them. Water bears? They're not, I mean... They're not bears.

They're actually like microscopic. Amoebas. They can survive in space. They're bigger than amoebas. But anyway, they are basically immortal pretty much. But there have been people who have said, well, them's aliens. Right. Well, they found them in space.

Right. Yeah, it's like... Didn't they find one on Mars or something? No, no, no, no. That's a different thing? That, buddy. That would be. a hell of a goddamn thing. They found bacteria

on a meteor that came from Mars or some shit. Am I making this up? Probably not. That's the most red I've ever heard you sound. Maybe it's just because of what you've got your shirt on. I think I got your shirt on. I'm making this up. Wouldn't that count as extraterrestrial life? Absolutely. Yeah, but I don't think that happened. The question has always

been, is there intelligent life out there? No, I don't think that's always been the question. I'm pretty sure scientists have just said mathematically, there's definitely like bacteria in the world. The question is whether or not consciousness has ever reached a planet and then it has grown up to the point that it can contact. It depends on the scientists.

What I'm saying is I still maintain, and you might per me wrong in a minute, but that any form of life proven to have originated outside of Earth would be one of the biggest stories in the history of mankind. Scientists have detected living bacteria, quote unquote, from outer space in samples collected from the exterior of the ISS. I guess that's a little different because that's on the space station. So it could have come. from us, but they think it comes from space.

That's just on the fucking space station. That wasn't what I was looking for. I thought it was on a guy down. How long are them people in the space station? I don't know how they're like tours of duty work or whatever. But yeah, I'm saying that don't count what you just said. No, I don't think it counts either because... It's on the space station.

Maybe it's just that they can survive in space, but I swear it out. It is that they can survive in space. Could a jellyfish? No. It just thumped their space like it. It's not a hit. It was a very Carl Pilkington moment that you just had. It was.

You got the same head. I know. I look a lot like him right now. He's got Carl Pilkington head. I'm over here peeling my toenails, just bald. That hit for me. You said people on Twitter was pointing out that Wiener But Doctor was to the tune of Beauty School Dropout. That was on purpose.

I was. I believe you. Yeah. thought y'all knew i knew that i'd heard that tune before but i was like yeah that's what doop sounds like that might be the only doo-op song i really know and it might not even be do-op my wife stopped working your wife i thought she's your wife stopped hey oh there it is meteorite yields evidence of primitive life on early mars it was a fossil that's what it was it was a meteorite had a fossil on it that they're pretty sure's bacteria and the rock came from

Mars. How you feel about that? Me personally? I don't have many feelings about it. You mean does it send me into a tailspin of, you know, fear because of outer space and the enormity of eternity? No, not really. I can fuck with bacteria.

Yeah. It means you can make space yogurt. It's here. Space yeast. Space yeast, baby. That's hilarious. Yeah. Well, nothing hits.

No. Shit hole. We can be talking about the abyss. Yeah. Shit whole countries. I don't know. Dude, you can't say that as the president. And I don't understand why people don't get that.

Like, I've seen like a lot of comedians. What you just said, I feel like you could have said every single week for the past 18 months. He can't say that as the president. And I don't understand why people don't understand that. Yeah, I can just take that clip and use that. Yeah. His president's. in a nutshell, for me at least.

Like, I feel that way all the time. Sure, but I've seen a lot of people not really, like, I've seen a lot of comedians, like, you know, trying to be funnier as you being like, them are shithole countries. Like, what, you know, you're going to go to Nigeria or whatever, you know, whatever it is they're saying or whatever. And it's like, uh, no, I'm not necessarily going to,

but, you know, a few things. Number one, you can't call a whole country a shithole just because you heard something bad about one part of it. Oftentimes, we had a hand, a big hand, why it is got like, I don't know, a high crime rate or whatever it is you think you're reverencing. But more than anything, you can't do that as the president in a meeting like that. Well, that's just not. Well, dude, I think if somebody, I think if any politician at all called Clay County a shithole county,

I'd be very, very, very upset by that, even though I talk shit about Clay County all the time, but I'm from there. Right. My point is I also know that, like, it has some fucking redeeming qualities and attributes or whatever, but also it's just, fuck you, motherfucker, who's you? It ain't your place to say that shit. That type of thing about it within America. Right.

But it's also. You just have to know that people are not like, I don't know. It's also so blatantly obvious what he meant when he's, like, talking about Haiti. And then he's like, why don't we get immigrants from good countries? And he means white ones. Yeah. what else could he possibly mean like i i guess you could do rich and poor and try to make some arguing about Saudi Arabia first world but like yeah but like yeah okay yeah exactly Saudi Arabia's got

plenty of money right you're not clamoring for me for immigrants from those countries don right actually that's a great point let's review where does he not want immigrants from quote unquote shitholds countries which he is described as the black ones it seems to me or the brown ones too. Yeah. Or the terrorist ones, which is also, according to him,

the brown ones. Yeah. But to an extent, he even delineates the brown slash terrorist ones by like economical lines because Saudi Arabia wasn't on the list of banned countries

when he tried to do that shit, you know, and Saudi Arabia has like, well-defined fucking ties to terrorism and shit in the past and everything. So, like, it's even, it's even worse than just that.

Well, it's like I always say, man. Existence is a complete nightmare, and we are all failures. It's hilarious what just happened. We all just started eating. I spilled, and I just lick toan off my bed. He said that as I was putting a chip in my mouth, and I was like, well, Corey can slide in. And I looked over at Corey, and he's licking his mattress. Which is bad in his hotel room.

Yeah, which I ought not do for so many reasons. Yeah. And I'm sorry, I know y'all get mad and we eat on the podcast, and we'll try not to chew what, God damn what we got to, because we got early flights in the morning, and we just got through with a show. And Bumblebee tuna hits for me. Bumble Bitauna. H. Ventura.

Ben Detective. How are you today? Bumble Bitauna. That's on both them are on Netflix right now. Yes, for me. I was reading a thing earlier about, it was some stupid fucking cracked article about TV and movie couples that are so unbelievable

and would never exist and one of them was Ace Ventura and I can't remember what Courtney. I can't remember what her character's name was but the way they described it the way they described them as two people who would never in the world be together was just attributes that me and Amber both have

on either side. You know, it's like one's got it together. I really want you to remember who you're talking about. Huh? I really want you to remember who the character is. Well, her name is? Well, it's Courtney Cox's character. It's Courtney Cox's character, Ace Ventura and her.

Oh. When he gets with her and Ace Ventura. Okay. I thought they were, remember earlier today? We were talking about shipping. Yeah. I thought it was like from different movies. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It was then. They're like, there's no way these two people would be. So you're talking about ones that existed that made no sense if you thought about it. And there were several of them. All right. Yeah, yeah, all right. And there were several of them that were just. like me and Amber or me and I mean

it's you know like they would never date this fucking bag of shit you know and I'm like I'm right here you know come on like they acted like Ace Ventura had no redeeming quality like because he was so fucking goofy I'm like yeah but he's fun guy they're like and then you know what they said I didn't

even think about this the last part was and he often talks with his butt bitch which is hitting for me so hard right now that you read an article about how Ace Ventura never could have landed Courtney Cox's character and took it very personally. I did because

the whole time you were just sitting there like identifying with Ace Ventura. I was. He's a fun guy. They were like, he's childish, he's blah, blah, blah, yada, and you know, she's super organized and yon and he talks with his butt. And I was like, I do all them things and Amber's all them other things. We still together.

Of course, you know, Courtney Cox's character in that movie isn't a, you know, drunk. So that would, that kind of checks out. Yeah, that changes a lot. It really does. Yeah, I kind of am in Deering through rosé-colored glasses, I guess. Well, you were talking about shipping.

That's pretty good, I have. I need to explain what shipping is. We're not talking about shipping and handling. You introduced me to that time earlier today. I could be wrong. I don't think you have to explain to many people what shipping is, Drew, drop, on the Internet, I mean. and it's like to me our entire existence is on the internet.

I mean, yeah, it is. Well, so. But for anybody I don't know, that's just when, that's what like fan fiction is,

that's when fans of a thing fantasize collectively about characters in their favorite media, uh, being in relationships together. So like walking dead fans might ship Rick and Daryl. But it ain't got to be. gay it could be you know man woman whatever two woman's it could be a lot of things it often is that that's all but that's all that it but it often is that yes like the reason we brought it up is

because we've been shipped i'm about say it's been done to us and it was that which hip did hip um the reason that work came up today have we talked about the fan fiction on the podcast no i posted about it i'm like i don't know it's almost like want to save it. I kind of do too for a whole special of it. We can tease it right now. Well, how about I just give a little teaser? There is erotic fan fiction about us on the internet.

Which is my favorite thing that's ever been written about me. Me too. Yeah, they really made you the star. I was blown the fuck away. Yeah. I thought surely it was a blonde woman that had written this. I know. But it was not.

Well, ostensibly, it was a gay man. This is on nifty.org. this is the liberal redneck gay fan fiction i'm just going to just read just a teaser scene um we're going to go right in the middle of the action this is uh this is me talking so i can quote myself here via this person who wrote this see fucker he crowed it's a nice big redneck cock i said that apparently and you crowed it yeah and i crowed it which you know So raving.

I felt drool collecting in my mouth, so I swallowed as I stared at his gorgeous cock. I looked over at Trey, and he was also looking at his friend's dick. His hand unconsciously reached down and grabbed his own crotch. Then Drew taunted me. Damn right I did. He moved closer to me. It says saving his dick at me. I'm pretty sure it meant waving his dick at me.

Look, gay boy. Look at my cock. He growled. You. I said look gay, look gay boy. Look at my cock. He growled. I growled it.

Look gay boy. Look at my cock. That's way too fun. Then he's on me swallow hard. He then came at me. He grabbed my head. Well, anyway, it gets pretty intense after that. You guys get it.

I feel honored personally. Dude, I was fucking fired up. I literally sent it to my family group to that text. And mom's like, do I want to open this? I was like, I mean, probably not, whatever. And I sent to Amory. and she's like, yeah, I just can't bring myself to open this. And so what I did was I went through it and screenshoted my favorite passages

and then just sent those to her. Katie also said one of y'all, one of y'all tweeted Facebook something about it, didn't you? I did. Okay. Katie saw that, I guess. She told me that like she had seen it or whatever, but she just ultimately decided not to fuck with it. Well, that's really funny to me because Andy was all over it. she was like going through reading parts of it screen cap and stuff

sent him it to me to me look what they say i can't believe amber didn't to tell you the truth because that shit's kind of parallel i sincerely just picked out a passage that happened to be about me y'all should know cori is the real star here uh it starts with me and apparently according to this man the dicks get bigger as he goes on trades is bigger than mine and then cori has i think it was described as a bull bull-boss cock a bull dick yeah that's what was a bull dick bulls do hit they do yeah guys when it

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What? Bulls don't have for you. You'll find that out on next week's episode. That's another preview. Yeah. But bulls do hit. Bulls do it. I'm not doing it.

Bulls hit. No, no, no, no. No, I was trying to do. Adam's family. No, I was I was trying to do. But now I can't even think of it in my head. the goddamn Chicago Bulls theme song. Oh yeah, I couldn't help you.

It hits. I know it does hit. I've heard it before, but yeah, it's been a long time. Most things associated with Bulls hit. Yeah. Drew. Drew. Oh, Lord.

Anyway, where are we at, bacteria in space? We moved on from that. We're talking about shit hole countries. Oh, yeah. And then, of course, just started talking about ourselves again. I, of course, thought that it's a shithole country. was referring to Florida Georgia line. Yeah.

They don't hit. They should do a festival. Every country music star who supports Trump should do a festival, donate their money to his next campaign, but call it the Shithole Country Festival. I agree. They often be doing those festivals.

It just is random. They didn't mean for it to be that way, but it is. Speaking of, well, no, he made good music, but I just want to tell people, I think it's on next week's podcast. I've been telling everybody this. Follow me and Charlie Daniels. on Twitter because I have been responding to Charlie Daniels tweets, but in earnest.

So he tweets... As earnest, kind of. As earnest and in earnest. He tweets, just as an example, every day he tweets, Benghazi ain't going away, talking about the Benghazi attack and how we're going to jail Hillary Clinton or whatever it is that the claim is. So every day I respond to him, I told him to pray about it, that God would work it out in his own time.

I asked him if he'd ask Benghazi to go away. Today, I said that he should get some antibiotics because apparently it's been a long time. Anyway, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, he's a goddamn wounder. Trey is staring at his phone and Corey's just barely listening to me. I mean, y'all know I ain't got none in the tank. I've been, I've been about to pass the fuck out for the past two hours. I don't hit.

I can tell a story that I've already told you all, so I don't know how you react to it, but it might hit for the fans. Okay. Tell it. You guys went and played top golf today. We did. I woke up and I wanted to go hike and, and it was my, plan to go hiking and then try to make it back in time for top golf but i slept too late and screwed around and did some work i went hiking outside of phoenix i was driving towards sonoma

and then i just saw a dirt road off to the right and you know me i mean i was kind of on a little bit of mushrooms i was like yeah let's do this and i drove down through there and i was looking at it this road looked like a shortcut on the map and i knew i was like all right it'll take longer or google would have told me to go down it but i'm gonna like get off the main road and this will be kind cool I came upon a all-white church look like out of a Tarantino movie you know what I mean it was like that stucco style yeah it looked like a like a Mexican Catholic church or something that was the end of the road like on the map the road kept going oh you mean like the one in kill bill and oh god damn that might have been that one literally it was gorgeous I would have stopped and took pictures but there was somebody there and I didn't want to disturb him because it was Sunday that was the end of the road but on the map the road kept going and then I got around the church and and I can see the road did keep going, but it turned into a dirt road. But we got the upgraded to the Jeep,

all-wheel drive. So I just kept going. And I was just driving through the desert by myself. I ended up climbing up on this mountain. I took some pictures. I put them on my Snapchat and some on my Instagrams. You can follow me. And Drew more comedy on Instagram,

average Drew on Snapchat. Anyway. You're going to get, by the way, just warning you, you're going to get so much shit from our fans for having done this by yourself. Oh, yeah. Especially now that I just pointed that out.

Right. So I'm climbing up on a mountain. You won't not do that by myself on mushrooms. Yeah. Well, the other thing, too, and, you know. You would not do that? I feel like, I feel like the mushrooms had a little bit to do with this, but this was, like, and how scared I was. But this was just the thing I realized.

Everything looked like a rattlesnake in the desert. Because rattlesnakes look like the desert. Like, that's their camouflage, right? That's sort of their thing. Exactly. So I'm walking up through there. Every stick looks like a rattlesnake. every time I step on a rock and it moves, I think it's a rattlesnake.

And again, I'm alone. I'm an hour outside of anything. I'm in the middle of the desert. So, you know, I was hitting. Yeah, clearly. On the way down, the mountain. I climbed up to top, made it, took the pictures. On the way down, I stepped on a rock.

It stood out from underneath me, and I fell about four feet. Four feet? Yeah. Onto my ass. That's a pretty long way to fall. It's pretty long. hard and my leg went in between these two rocks and it didn't hit anything and it was fine but i don't like it it was literally a sobering moment like if you ever have one of those

where oh yeah uh daily but where you just really realize how much of a mistake you have made and the hubris that you've carried into the situation like when my ass hit pain shot through me and I looked at my leg and realized my leg was fine, but immediately also realized my leg could have not been fine. Yeah. And I would have died right there on that mountain. And like I was going through my head, I had like 10% left on my phone about how I would call you guys

and describe where I'm at and then just bleed out out there? Yeah, there was no fucking way that was ever going to happen. You would have just said they were playing top golf? That's like what he's saying. No, I'm not. What I'm saying is like, there's dying in the desert. No, hell him. No, I'm saying that both of our phones...

Whose turn is it? I had a missed call from you and checked it like an hour later. So what I'm saying is like, I can see the scene in the movie where that happens. Well, I left you a voicemail, Corey. I know, but I'm saying... But then you'd have died. The scene in the movie... The scene in the movie would be, you do that, and you're about to get 127 hours or whatever.

And you're like 10%, oh, I know, I'll call my boys. They'll come rescue me. And it's just ringing, ringing on your end, ringing, ring and then you see the phones on the table ringing, and we're just sitting there chugging beers hitting... fucking golf clubs. He's like, whew, but Drew,

he don't hear, and then you bleed out and die. Yeah, but I mean, I had called like seven times eventually you guys would have seen it.

You'd have checked the voicemail and then you would have come and save the day and rescued me with police because I would have described how you got there. I knew the name of the road, Santa Cruz Road.

We're the worst with directions. Santa Cruz Road, drive down it. When the road runs out and turns in the dirt, keep going. You'll see the white jeep. When you see the white jeep

look right, there's a mountain. I'm up on the side of it. I'm bleeding to death. I'm just saying just call the cops first. Don't fuck with us. Like, you know, you won't call us, then have us call the cops and say all that shit. You know what?

I'm remembering stuff. That's true. Corey's making a very strong case for you not to call him if you're about to die. Like if it's an emergency. It's like, he's just over and he's like. Yeah. We'd like about it, buddy. It's a little.

Call me. You don't want to call me. Yeah, it's a little hurtful because I feel like he's just, you know, he don't want to fool with it. He don't want to, yeah, he don't want you to call him. Right. I did. It also might be, though. It might be that.

He's like, look, I care about you. And as someone who cares about you, I want you to do the right thing. Yes. And the right thing is not calling me. Well, I'm saying I would have to then call the cops. And you know, we're just shitty with direction. If you're like, just go down here by this rock. There's a bunch of stuff that looks like snakes because it's the desert.

But I literally just would have said, drive down Santa Cruz Road until you see the white Jeep. That's my Jeep. Yeah. No, I mean, of course. And we would have done that. I mean, wouldn't have hit. But, I mean, yeah, we'd have finished our round. You'd have to.

We paid for the spot. This is how they treat me, fans. This is how, and I deserve it for going to the desert alone. You know, I think on some level, maybe I went out there to die. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like a cat. Which level?

The surface. Yeah. But I got a giant bruise. Did you say like a cat? They do that. Yeah, they leave. I think I mean. No, they just leave to die.

I have not cats in that way. Dog, dogs do that. just not the desert just wherever they're at they leave to die yeah i might be cats in that way dogs do that too yeah yeah dogs leave themselves out dogs leave to die too yeah dogs leave to die i did know that about dogs because i'm seeing a lot of dogs die in my time growing up yeah going up in clay county tennessee and uh that town's i was like yeah i believe it dude yeah wandering off and died probably it yeah dude finding a dead dog arrat grill up or my dad killed it because it was like oh i'm not paying for the vet he ran away and died

I drew. Finding a dead dog in a bush was a big part of growing up. Dude, finding. I used to have a bit about, I used to have a bit about how I wanted to be an archaeologist until I dug up my old dog's bones. I was like, I thought he ran away. Turns out dad didn't want to pay for a vet bill. Vets are far away and expensive.

Bullets are everywhere. And they're cheapest ship. They sure are. That dog's don't help. No, dad dogs don't help. oh god cop and hot take kill me

I just started thinking about Mick is gonna you know he'll probably die before me my dog and that's what I'm thinking about right now

and I don't like thinking about that I don't like thinking about it all the fucking time of course I usually think about it a lot more frequently than I do now

sometimes sober as hell I'll just look at my dog and break down like funeral home crying okay Corey apparently in front of Trey was watching

the new Netflix special with Letterman my next guest needs no introduction was the new Obama one and we went to watch

it and in my somehow defense we had drank probably five bottles of wine twinted us that night

and yeah I cried like a biotch yeah two different times you cried twice you know what I told Drew though I told him

I didn't actually tell you this that night but like I told him that we had we both had equally raven reactions to it because you've cried

a couple times and I was sitting there watching the thing myself I'm running I'm running one of these days not now but you know

yeah I'm gonna do it I could totally do this I need to do it you know yeah for my country for my country that's what I was that was my reaction

to Obama on there and you were just sitting there just in tears and I'll be how much you missed him and I'll interview and how unfairly he was treated

by people we know I was dude I was fucking losing it man and that and I cry I do cry a lot and the older I get I do I cry often and I mean

the older I get the more it happens because facing my mortality I can't even imagine if when you ever have children oh it's gonna be bad because like

I was never that way like at all like I wasn't a crier and I wasn't sentimental or sensitive in that way about that type of shit

ever I was like whatever bro I got a chin strap mustache I'm here for three things. Mountain dew and kicking ass. It was definitely a chin strap beard and it played.

And, uh, yeah, bass for slip knot. Yeah. It still worked. Anyway, you made me fucking forget what I was saying with your head about if I become a parent. You were talking about it. Oh, I never, I didn't cry at shit, whatever movie and stuff like that.

And dude like ever since the fucking the minute bishop came out pretty much, I remember the first Mother's Day. I was there looking at Mother's Day cards just a wreck. I was like, I got to leave this Target right now. Like, I was fucking crying. I've cried in Target, too. I guarantee that. They don't have any more Rachel Raypots.

God damn it. Corey cried at the Pizza Hut in the front of Target. No, I do. I don't know what it is, man. But I'm just saying if that's your baseline already, then when that happens to you, you're just going to be just a sobbing less. I am kind of curious, though, what it for? me. I am kind of curious, though, what it is that's changed me, because I, you know,

wasn't like that always as a person. I didn't just cry over anything, but now I'm any fucking thing. I cry at the drop of a goddamn hat, probably because... Maybe you went through menopause. No, I, dude, I mean, this don't hit for me, but it's probably just because I'm, you know, so often full of liquor. And when you're, and there's two things. When you're drunk, you're more emotional and you cry. And then when you are coming down or sobering up, all your endorphins are gone and you're, and, you know, it's something to. touches you more and you got more anxiety. He just said that being very often full of liquor does not hit for him.

No, that hits. The fact of it. Yeah, the fact that it's, that that's true about you. The fact that it's like, I have to realize that, like, you're not just growing as a person and learning empathy. It's just you're a fucking drunk, you fat sack of shit. But, you know, at least I know myself. This has been a hell of an episode.

Self-awareness. Self-awareness. what makes you cry everything I well me and you be crying on each other sometimes mostly and most of the times that me and you have cried together is when we've started talking about my children I know your kids have made me cry but like but I was going to say you said what makes me cry pretty much anything that has to do with kids whether it's like good or bad like if I see a video like we were in Lexington kentucky I think it was not that long ago and I woke up and sent y'all text it's like well uh

I cried myself asleep again last night. How are y'all feeling this morning or whatever? And Drew was like, hi, wait, really? And I had,

but it's because I had seen this video that was viral at the time of this dad making some video with his, like, autistic son and being super, it was very sweet.

It was, there was nothing sad or negative about it. It was like, precious. And that made me cry. But anytime I read anything about little kids getting hurt or something like that,

like that shit can make me cry too. I saw a video. The movie precious. just made me cry. I saw a movie, or not a movie, a video not long ago. Now,

y'all probably seen it where these dudes from Kentucky, they, like, saved up and bought their dad who was super old, like hit the car that he used to have

when he was a teen. I've seen that. And he, and he made me cry. But it would get me. And the dad, like, he opens the garage

and he's just like, oh, no. You know, he's saying, dude, it's not just kid shit. It's also, oh, dad shit.

And not just, from my perspective as a dad, but thinking about my dad, yeah, if it's like old dad. I'm about cried right now when Corey did the thing because I remember it. Dude, it killed me. I feel like I probably cry more in y'all.

Yeah, well, that's the, I mean, that's been a joke about you amongst an inside joke, you know, for a while now. You'd be crying. I cry over a ridiculous shit. We all three cried together without knowing we were each crying to the song in color by Jamie Johnson. Should have seen it in color. We've actually mentioned that. I think we have to. I was looking out of the window trying to fight back to tears.

turned over and Corey's cried I just started dying laughing. Yeah. Yeah, we were all three crying to it. I mean, I just, I don't know, man, it's a bummer. But cries are good, like, you know, some cries are real, it's a good, that's a good fucking cry. Real catharty. On that note, I cried, I never made me feel worse.

I've cried. Sure. Yeah, that's true. I've cried at every Jason Isbell show that I wasn't working at. Yeah. The two that I opened for them, I didn't cry because I wasn't as drunk as the ones where I'm not there in a professional capacity. Sure.

And also, Sturgle Simpson, she'll be crying at concerts and shit is what I'm saying. I stay crying at concerts. I do too. Yeah, I cry at concerts. That fucking Sturgle show, we saw whatever Kings did. Brooklyn or whatever in Brooklyn. I cried like a bitch. I cry at cheesy movies.

I mean, I cry at ones that are really good and sad or happy or sappy or whatever. But even the mediocre ones, if they have a decent moment, I ball. on a plane. I do it all the time. I'm sitting there fighting back tears on a plane. Yeah. Corey would be doing that too, I'm sure.

Yeah. When I'm on a plane, anything that's liquid in me starts just right. Yeah, come back. Yeah, sweat, piss, tears. Fucking everything. Sweat piss and tears

may fly on planes. Yeah. That's your airline material special. We were talking about that earlier. You brought that up and I was like, I don't know if you know,

I run hot. And you're like, oh, really do you? I just seen me, at one time I was sitting between these two poor Chinese people that had to deal with me. I'm just sitting there. Beat red soaking wet. Literally just from being on an airplane. That was it, though.

I just fucking dying. I've really got to get my life together, man. All my issues, if I just stopped drinking, I probably wouldn't cry as much. I wouldn't sweat as much. All my issues require tissues. I'm a hipsy speedboat. I don't know. I'm a fucking wreck, dude.

Every time we do podcasts at the end of the run, it feels like it starts out with a lot of energy, dies in the middle, and then just gets real dark. And I'm always, I always find myself wondering like, man, do we have any, like, psychologist fans? I hope we don't.

And if they do, I hope they keep their fucking thoughts to themselves. Well, they've never done that in their lives, so I doubt it. Buddy, we're fucking wrecked. Yeah, dude,

I'm a deeply broken person. And the thing is, the thing I thought would solve it has happened and it didn't. So this is just, you know, this is what this is.

Yeah, I know, yeah, Trey gets his validation. I'm still happy, though, I'm just broken in a mess. I just don't.

Okay. That's a difference in this. Trey just Dev Jam celebrated Corey being broken. Yeah, it did. I fuck yeah. It wasn't that,

like that, him saying that, it was him specifically saying like the exact wording from the previous episode, which was the thing that I thought would fix it happened and didn't fix it, which was all I ever said. You motherfuckers, anybody hated me for that? I think that was just Drew.

No, there's some people on Twitter who also were upset. Well, whatever. If they're still here, you're still listening. See? Oh,

missed a butt. missed a butt was that was a weird one yeah i think i pooped a little bit yeah i did that two days ago didn't hook i was kidding i shit on my skin it's been a minute and i'd say i don't even have to tell y'all anymore you're an old man and a child in all the ways i know i poop all myself sometimes trusted a fart man i think yeah classic mistake i didn't know some farts could be women too starting like five years ago what's the longest amount of time you've went between

shitting yourself I know you don't know but ballpark it well let's see I think that like you could survive without food during that time probably if you had to not water

but food you know you could it could be a good a good old Indian fast yeah I think yeah you've never made it through one good old Indian fast period

without shitting yourself. No. And not like... You couldn't complete the whole 30 diet without shitting yourself. Well, no, and the thing is, though, most of the time, it's not really that big of a deal

because it's, it's, uh, this is, this is hilarious. This is gonna be the bio. This is hilarious. You are 30. Uh-huh. 30.

And you just said, most of the time, it's not even a big deal about shitting on yourself. No, just hear me out. I'm saying like, I'm, no, let's hear about.

All right. I'm saying, and this is going to be the title of my lifetime movie, is a lot of times it stays between the cheeks. I'm sorry, Corey, if you laugh so hard you share yourself right now, I would jump out of that window. But you know what I mean? It's like it don't affect my, it don't go to my underwear. It just stays.

You need to wipe your ass. I just need to wipe my ass, which I, I just. That's just a wet fall. I know, but it shits on my butt. It just don't get, you know, so I don't have to throw my underwear away, which is. Because I only bring a fine out amount on the road with me. It will I bring more, and I bring several backup pairs. But most of the time, it stays between the cheeks.

And it's fine. And it's fine. By the way, I got to tell you, I knew that was going to be a banger in the second. I was like, I cannot wait to fucking say that. Yeah, well, it. Fucking murder. God damn. Keep it between the cheeks.

When you said, well, that's just a wet fart. So does that happen to you often? Like, you just wouldn't consider that shit in yourself? Not often, no. Because I think that's most of your incidents, right? Yeah, that's what I consider shitting myself. But no, it doesn't happen that often. Okay.

That's kind of. But when it's happened, I don't say I just shat myself. Okay. Well, then. I would have. Does it get on your underwear? No, that's what I'm saying. It stays between the.

the cheeks. That ain't, that's shit in yourself? As he said, there's shit on his butt. But it ain't on his draws. But like, when it happens, if you don't, you got to go and wipe your butt right then, or it's going to get all of it. It will. I got a crab walk.

Yeah. Direct which is the best. Yeah, that's shitting yourself. All right. I think. Sure. I asked on Twitter since the email. Is that or is that not?

Well, Red podcast at gmail. Is it shitting yourself if it stayed between the cheeks? Today we are sponsored by. Fuck. Depends. Oh, God, nothing hits. No. This bumblebee tuna salad hits.

Yeah, it did. I really enjoy that stuff. I do too. It's probably going to kill us. Oh, there's no way that's good because, I mean, it's... In a can. Yeah. All the things made you put in the...

Our bodies. Yeah, it ain't that. Son, that don't even register bumblebee tuna. I used to have a bit about tuna in a can. I mean, the bit was about, like, giving up because of course it was but dude how does that work is you put ton in a can and it can just survive on a shelf

for years how the fuck does that work that's true for like anything that's sealed it's in a can yeah they do it I know it's weird thing air tight no air can get into it that's what does the air do to it regular it allows bacteria to grow but what about the bacteria's there in it don't that aren't there like maggots in all food

you just I'm with you start talking about that you didn't know that I'd really rather not continue to discuss when you see maggots on meat that's rotted, the larva were already in there. They always are. It's just that there was time for them

to hatch. No, that ain't true. No, that ain't true. What that is, is, is that when meat lays out, flies, flies go around it, and they lay the maggots of the babies of the flies. Right, but I'm saying, like when they're

cutting up the cows at the cow place, they ain't flies hanging about? Well, I mean, I guess that's, you know, hell, don't hurt. I don't. I think my dad told me that, so it could be wrong. It's cooked. Most of that shit is cooked, which the cooking kills the bacteria.

Yes. Well, then it's, it's hermetically sealed. Oh, I see what you mean. They don't put raw meat in a can, and if they did, that wouldn't work. No, there's nothing that comes out of a can raw. Right. I mean, I agree. I'm just saying that that's a good point that I didn't think of at all because I'm stupid.

They also put a fuck ton of salt then, right? Oh, yeah. The preservatives stuff is like, it don't hit, but it does hit. That's it. Yeah, for sure. But the can and the seal is also required. You know when I found out how much goddamn preservatives hit for me? When you found out what preservatives meant?

Well, that, yeah. No, I don't mean as a thing that helps stuff be good for a while. I mean, like, when natural peanut butter started happening, and I realized I was like, I mean, I'm glad what you're doing, but I'm going to take the old way. Well, no, that's what I'm just. Hold on. Hold on. You found out.

You found out preservatives was in all of the things that hit for you. Wait, but time out. When you had a natural peanut butter. Did you make sure you got it with sugar, though, even though it was natural? Natural peanut butter hits for me. It does me, too, as long as they put some kind of sweetener in it. Sometimes you get, quote-unquote, natural peanut butter, and it's just fucking mashed up peanuts. Yeah.

I've had all sorts of different kinds, some of which did hit better than the other ones. Dude, if it's got sugar in it, there ain't nothing that hits harder than natural peanut butter to me. I still would just rather have a big old spoon full of just good old Jiff. Do you like smooth better than crunchy? We've had this conversation, and yes, I do. That don't hit for me. Another thing that don't have for me is that you can't drive a stick shift. That don't hit for me.

Never had a reason to. That don't hit. It's fine, but there was never a reason. Do what? I like crunchy as well. I like crunchy too. I absolutely do. I just like smooth better.

And it's only because that's what I grew up eating peanut butter crackers McGraney gave me. And if she had done crunchy, I'd be a crunchy guy. I about got into a fifth fight over crunchy peanut butter in Australia. Believe that. because someone said it didn't hit. No. What happened was we went to the grocery store for this big long trip.

We were going to drive up through the desert and go to this place at the top of Australia. So we had a long trip. We went and we got, I think, two or three jars of peanut butter. And our friend Pete, very stubbornly and, like, you know, we talked about it for longer than we should have in a grocery store. There was like five of us going. He wanted to get one jar of smooth. And his argument was like, we've got to change it up. and I like smooth and blah, blah, blah.

No one else wanted smooth, but that one guy? Yes. But you got two crunchies and one smooth, and the rest of y'all are kind of indifferent towards smooth? Yes. I think that's fair. This is not the end of the story. We all agreed to get smooth.

Drew hadn't been right yet. Because of what you just said. Yeah. Right? So then we get out there. We only open one jar at a time, right? We go through all of the crunchy. We're making sandwiches one day.

We make sandwiches with the last bit of the crunchy. and then we have to open up to smooth. And we have made all these crunchy peanut butter sandwiches, but not enough for everybody. So we start making smooth, and we only had one smooth sandwich. And I said, hey, Pete, you eat the smooth because you like smooth. That heads for you.

Give me that crunchy. And he says, no, I prefer crunchy. And I said, Oh, this is great. What? I can't just imagining you receive that information in real time. I want the crunchy one. And I said, why did we get smooth then?

And he said, why just wanted to change it up? And I said, so you like crunchy more than smooth. Yeah. But we have smooth because you insisted that we get smooth in spite of the fact that you like crunchy more. And then he's like, because I'm getting mad and I was talking that way. He's like, I don't know what you're fucking problem. He's like, you're my fucking problem. We've been in the desert for like four days.

I don't think I've ever been angry at a person over a reason that wasn't legitimate. You know what I mean? Like, obviously if somebody did something actually fucked up, but like that's the angriest I've ever been over what is ostensibly a dumb thing. I was furious. I mean, that would have made me mad too.

Well, it's just like he was so stubborn about getting it. And then anyway, you know, I hope he listens. I'm going to tell him and all those friends that I went to Australia with to listen. Just like, I would have never done that. I would just be like, fucking A. I'll take the smooth one. Of course, smooth does have. me.

Well, part of my just, you know, fucking indignance was like, I thought I was being nice. I was like, no, no, buddy. Yeah, yeah. You can have what you want here. Get you smooth. You know what I mean? Later, like a few days later, because everybody was still laughing about it, you got a fucking fish fly over peanut butter.

He was like, well, man, I just, you know, smooth, easier to spread. And I'd already spread the crunchy. And I was like, you get out of my fucking face. What's your favorite kind of peanut butter? when you use it like what was it brand yeah uh whatever the dollar store's brand is save a lot save a lot save a lot save a lot save a lot's what we have in salina too but it was jiff at home we have both but now like for the boys it's croger brand which in california is ralphs but it's same shit croaker brand smooth i like always don't fuck with crunchy but i prefer crunchy i like

my favorite going back to the natural thing there's a brand called earthbound is organic. I don't even know if it's natural, but it's organic. Andy's been getting it. And again, you can get it without sugar or with or sweetener or whatever. But it's good. It's real good. You remember peanut butter thugging?

What? That does sound familiar. Was it the one that was mixed with the jelly? Peanut butter thugging as a video we made. Yes. But we never put it out. Yes. This was years ago.

It didn't hit, really. We didn't edit it. We never got it added it, but it was, me, you, your wife, and our buddy, the way of us, had a contest where you had to sit down opposite. I remember this. You had to sit down opposite somebody and fucking eat an entire jar of peanut butter.

It was a race to see who ate the peanut butter first, and it was a whole jar, like the smallest jars that are an actual fucking jar of peanut butter. Which is a single one. But every minute you had to stop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not single serve. It's way, way more than a single serve. No, no, yeah.

I don't mean like one of these little things. I know. It's this one. I know that one. I've eaten a whole one of them. That's like 2,000 calories. Yeah, look at me. Anyway.

Like every minute or so. After every so many minutes, you could take a drink of water. Otherwise, there was no drinking anything at all. You could take a shot. You could take a shot of water. Only is. But the only way you could earn the shot of water was if you wrapped a verse a verse. A verse of your choice.

And so that was like the premise of this video we made. And we chose gangster rap, but it didn't go as well as I thought it would. Now, yeah, it wasn't that good. It was a hilarious idea, though. That is a hilarious idea. But, you know, we've had a shit ton of those. Yeah. Well, boys, I want to crawl in bed and hollered to void.

Yeah, let's die. Nothing hits. Nothing hits. All right, everybody. Skiw. Skiy! Why they kill myself. Thank you all for.

listening to the well-read show we'd love to stick around longer but we got to go tune in next week if you got nothing to do thank you god bless you good night and skew