wellRED podcast - #57 - Todd Glass: Scream For What You're Not!

Episode Date: March 7, 2018

This week we are joined by our good buddy, the insanely funny AND insanely compassionate Todd Glass. We discuss Todd's neurosis concerning how rooms are lit, and the Students who are protesting and standing up against the NRA after the mass shooting in Florida.  Click here to get a sweet toothbrush from our sponsors at QUIP! wellredcomedy.com for tickets to all our shows!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie, I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know?

Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app

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language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app,

lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was money.

What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first. But then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

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21-plus, not available in all locations. What is up, everybody? It's your boy the show. Well-read comedy.com. W-E-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com for all our tour dates. We're going to be everywhere in 2018. We can't wait to see you. This portion of the podcast is always bought to you. brought to you, uh, excuse me, brought to you by Smokey Boysgrilling.com. Smokeyboysgrilling.com where you can find Smokey Dust, hog rub, and beef rub, and grab one of the t-shirts. The guys just placed second place in ribs at the Sipin Swine Barbecue Festival. We are super proud of them. Send them some love and grab some hog dust to throw on all your meats and treats. This episode is with the very funny Todd Glass. I cannot state enough how wonderful Todd is and how much we

think of the guy. He's hilarious and immediately puts you in a better mood. You heard him on the teaser this week. Now listen to the full episode. But before that, a voicemail from my uncle Jim Dick trying to school me on rap. Holler at it. Love you. Skew.

Hey, what's up? It's the show. I'm either drunk or dead somewhere in a ditch. You know what to do. Beep. It's your Uncle Jim Deck. I want to holler at you minute. I know you beg Hollywood. You beg everything. You know what's going on. You You've got your finger on the pulse of the gay stuff.

I know you know about rap music. And I just wonder if you hear anything about this, they call it, Hick Hop, you know about that? You know, I've been telling you for years, any old son of best can rap, ain't nothing to it. And you and you little gay buddy Drew. You know, have proved it on this podcast past month or so.

And, you know, I see what you out there. I see you out here planning a big old wedding, buying all these car. You know, I'm trying to do me some shows. I'm trying to make some of that money. I hell, I can do that hiccop shit. I guarantee it. That's all I'm going to talk to you about.

I'm just gonna run one by you real quick. You ready? Prepare your butt, son. Here it comes. Well, if you got a funny feeling by how I live, well, you can feel kneeling with the fucks I do not give, because I got Jesus on my side and Earnhardt had it on my back,

right beside Lex Lugar, putting the devil in the torture rack. I spend most of my days pounding hosing mountain doves, beating up on my old lady every time I team lose. I ain't got no time for reading shit. Fuck, I ain't a queer, plus I ain't never seen a book like on a pusher's skin a deer or something. Go on sell them pills. What?

Go on sell them rocks. What? Go on and fuck your cousin if you really think she hot. What? Your heart might say it's wrong, but your dick will say it's not. Plus, you know that pussy just right

like her name was Goldilocks. I got bass in the cooler deer racks on the Wild 717. Raffles in them bad with the mall jacked up, Chevy Rebel flag on the dash telltale. Obama. He can kiss my ass. What you say about that?

That last part, that's a hook. I call that. A hook. That's what that last part was. Get a beat from one of them weirdos, you know, down there at the other side. town. Get me a beep thorn on the thong that son. We're going to do it.

I figured about the time you else took me out on the road. I got laid off again. Anyway, junk, Jim Dick, you'll never call. Call me back, you little piece of shit. All right? You didn't start yet, right? Well, I'm rolling. I just always edit until we start. All right. I'm ready.

Let's go. Here we are. I'm already in a better mode. I'm going to turn my phone all. Yeah, he's good for that, He is. He puts you in a good mood. I've hated everything about today pretty much.

Oh my God, I just remember the last time we came here when you were on his podcast. Dude. I was so hung over. I was half dead. I felt awful. We had flown. I don't know if you even knew this.

The first time I did your podcast. Yeah, you were all flown in that day. We had, we were going on basically no sleep, yada. And, like, I mean, I was killed.

And it was like the fifth thing we did that day. Right. We had a day full of shit. And that was the last thing. And I was, I was feeling bad when I came over here because I was like, man, I don't got a lot of left in the tank right now, but you, like, just brought it out of me.

Yeah, it is. I don't know. Your energy is contagious. Well, thank you. You know what? Now I feel guilty telling you what I was going to do. I was going to run over because sometimes I like to, I don't think I'm going to die from this, although I get it's not healthy.

There's no way the word's going to get out. Did you hear Todd Glass died? Oh, what happened? You know, heroin? No. He was smoking pot and having a half of a five-hour. energy. And that's what I do.

And that's what I was going to go do right now. Because someone goes, that's bad. I go, listen, what type of bad? Like my sister-in-law, and I get it. I do get it, of course. One's taking you one direction. One's taking the other. But when I say that, to me, it's you people laugh because it's like, all right, it's

not that type of bad. No one's going to die. It's not a speedball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a half of one. So, hold on. Can I run over there? Get it.

Go for it. Yeah. You know what? Don't... I'm going to be all yours. And I'm not the guy who looks at my phone, but I'm going to make myself feel better that someone's not on the way here. No, okay.

So you know when someone needs just directions or something? There we go. Now I'm all here. Somebody needs directions? I'm meeting here at 630, and I thought, what if they don't know how to get here? And I do the whole podcast. And they're like, God, Todd, I couldn't...

Yeah. There we go. Here it is. Is it an Amish person? It's coming at 630. 30. Yeah, yeah. Ah, there you go.

That checks out. How about that? You tried to catch you. I did. I'm all over. The thing about covering up for your lies is all you have to do is start lying more. Right. I didn't learn that.

Wait a second. Oh, you lied. We have your address. I used to live here. He used to live here. Hey, congrats on the recent special, man. I loved it. I thought it was great.

I did too. Thank you. Again, the infectious energy and all of that. I wanted to talk to you about some of that with the special. So the band, right? Well, okay, first of all, everybody listening. It's on Netflix. Todd Glass, act happy.

It's great. Highly recommend it. Thank you. But you have a band on stage with you throughout the whole thing. And I know from hearing you talk, we've talked about it before, I think, and I've heard you talk on other podcasts about it. I know you are super involved with like every aspect of something like that, right? Meaning the table set up, the lighting on it and all that type of thing.

Like you, that's all you, right? It was on this one. I wanted to do that for 10 years. And then his name is Jeff Rowe and Scott Moran. But when Jeff specifically was talking to me, I was trying to explain what I wanted to create. And I said, like a lot of times people do like a small club, which I love this too. And I'm not just saying that. Like a few of my close friends have done this, and it's really cool.

Especially when you're past that point in your career and you do your special out of sort of a niche, let's say, a hip dive or something. But it's little, but it's a hip dive. Right. And it's cool. And there's something awesome about that. So romantic. I just didn't want to do that.

I wanted to do it little, but it's like Taj Mahal just holds 80 seats. And then the guy, Jeff, when we were talking about it early on, he goes, because I tried to do it two other times. Like not a Netflix quality special, but just something. I tried to shoot on my own, like in a little room, but it looks plush. He goes, you want like Goodfellas. And then he goes, tablecloths to the ground. Right.

I would have never said that. I would have never even thought that. That's a great phrase. Black tablecloths would have been all right. I get it. But as soon as he says to the ground, you go, oh, one of those places. Right. But I didn't want the audience stiff.

I said, if you're comfortable dressing up, dress up. Dress up. If you want to wear a suit and you're fun, but if you don't, if you're more comfortable in a T-shirt, wear a T-shirt. Because I didn't want a stiff crowd. Yeah. And he did everything right. Every single thing.

Even the band, he's like, no, let's get him black-fitted suits. And then, you know, the lighting was like this thick blue. And they cut to the audience shots and the audience was where they belong in the dark. Jesus, fuck. I'm not even, I'm not being picky. You know, the specials in the 80s, the specials that were shot in the 80s and 90s and still a little bit today. They're getting better at it. But they, oh, we need crowd shots.

And that's when I, you know, social issues, I'm learning to calm down a little. But with this, what the fuck? Yeah. The bright, so the most important night, you know, just because you don't say something, it doesn't mean you're not insinuating it. Right. But to me, they may as well say this. Yeah, I'm on the most important night of probably your career that the audience is the most relaxed

because that's where they, why they're in the dark at most clubs, that's where they're most relaxed. That's been a science that's been figured out for the last 200 years. Certain things are debatable, but this is one audience in the dark. every fucking person and the good news is when you go to live events even when they fuck things up they get it the audience is in the dark

and the comedians in the light but for your special the most important thing they go now we're going to change one little thing I hope this doesn't like fuck it up for you the most fucking important thing that that audience is comfortable we're going to not have them that way

so you go well we didn't say that but we need audience shots okay but you're still doing that you're taking the audience and making them the least comfortable they could be on the most important night of your career so then they split the different

difference. But Jeff said this again good. He goes, look, if we cut to the audience, because some split it a little bit, okay, they're 50% out. Some even go 60% out. You think, Todd, come on, no. He goes, it was a little brighter than in a club, but like a club that had the lights up, the brightest a club would have the lights up. It was only that bright. So it was a good thing. And he goes, yeah, if we cut to people laughing and they don't know what color their eyes are, their shirt, they'll know they're laughing. Like, what you cut to someone in the audience? Oh, there's where they are. That's where I always see audience members. That's a guy laughing.

That's a girl laughing in the dark. Don't you think that's where they fucking belong? Insinuating where they were at? Where are you doing your special? Where are you doing your comedy at the deli section at Vaughn's supermarket? You go to the freezer section? Oh yeah, I'm bright. The audience is bright. There's nothing special about me. The audience is lit up. I'm lit up.

Yeah. It makes people feel weird. You know, I think like wheat. So we'll do one-nighters sometimes in not. clubs just in some like random venue that booked you know got in touch with me because I saw one of my videos or whatever and so now we're there and this has only happened a couple times but I think it's and it is truly brutal and but anyway we show up and it's not a comedy club and they don't know how to run a comedy show and like sometimes there's it's just lit it's just lit the whole room is like lit the same you can see everybody or um and it all that has such

a huge effect on people because like you're right especially the Because people come to comedy shows and, like, I know a whole lot of people sit there and think, like, are they going to fuck with me or whatever? And like, but if you're in the dark, you know, your mind is more at ease of that type of thing. So, yeah, when it's bright, it really fucks you up. Have you, what would you do if you in that situation? If you showed up to a place you've never been to and it was like that, like, that's just how it was set up. Well, how would you do? I have, believe me, I have an answer.

But also, I wanted to say real quick is that this oddly I've changed my view on. Like a lot of my views I just have because I'm willing to be wrong. And then you end up with the best situation. I used to play loud music when people ended my shows. I thought that was good. It got them in a good mood. And I think Brian Regan said, no, there's exceptions. And there's exceptions from really good comedians that wouldn't do this.

I get it. But for most of the time, comedy's jazz. It's a thinking thing. So it's not you don't want to get them ready. It's what gets them ready. Right. Like before a good play, not a bad, like a fucking great play with it. Not play funny, but funny, funny.

But it's still a play. They go into the crowd wrong up with the talon? Right, yeah. You don't want them ready. Right. Yeah, imagine if someone did that, the opening of the play, they went in. Well, I'm getting them ready. Like a T-shirt gun and shit.

Right. That's what you have to say. Oh, you're getting them ready. And by the way, you're right. You don't want to approach someone like that gently and go, by the way, no flippiness at all. You are right. Your instincts are right. There is something to get a crowd ready.

You were just way off them what to do with get them, got them ready. If you can get out of your own way, and that's what I do, I'll just change things. So the lighting, I changed my, I just started liking it the way. the way someone I was opening for did it. And I change it now. I do like to see a smidge it on the audience. So I can see barely their faces. Because sometimes, like, a joke won't get a laugh.

Hopefully it doesn't happen that often. But the setup to the joke, you can see people engaged. Right. So you know you have something there. Yeah, yeah. I like just being able to see the first three rows. Exactly. And that's plenty.

That's right. Right. It just gives me a little pulse. But I used to have it pitch start. Now I hate that way. People get embarrassed to laugh. That's why they let it. Whatever he does.

I like it. I'm a pitch dark guy if possible. Like being able to see the first. That don't bother me or anything like that. But like if it's up to me, I'd rather not see. Yeah. Jim Gaffigan, when I opened for him, he's like that. And I like go, wow, doesn't that?

Like, you mean, pitch dark. By the way, I never did it. When I, it wasn't worth clarifying. I would always have it up a little, but I raised it a little. I was really never a pitch-pitched black guy, but I get nervous. Like, where is everybody? Right. No, I need to, and I'm the same way, I'm a comedian that goes off of, I kind of feed off of the energy.

And here in the last one thing, but I do like to see someone, but barely first three rows. And I even want them to be dim. We're thinking the same exact way. They're in the dark. For sure. So what I, and then I'll answer you to, there was one other thing. That said if you showed up to like a random non-club venue in the last. lighting was just total shit.

As a person who takes all that, you know, like, you fucking care a lot of that. What would you do if that happened? I can give you a story from when I was doing college, like a ton of colleges. Yeah. Like now I do like maybe 10 colleges a year, but for a long time I was, I did hundreds of colleges. I loved it. Yeah. Really?

I never went to college. I was loved it. I was like, I was a college student. I was 32 having the time of my life. Well, shit. That's hilarious. I was 40. I just did NACA and got in and so I just started a book so.

I just started a book some of my first colleges. I'm 30. I also didn't go to college. And I was sort of thinking, you know, this will be nice. You know what? I was going to say I'm a rare breed. But, you know. You are, buddy.

You know, I liked it. Look, there were, I think when I tell it in full, I get it, the lunchroom things and stuff like that where I couldn't do anything in those situations. But back then I could do less. So I have a story of what I did then. And then I have a story from a month ago. Okay. Which, you know what?

Believe me, I thought, Todd, are you crazy? to do this, but I thought no, but I'll tell you that one second. At the colleges I did start figuring it out in most situations. I brought, you know, I just had it in my bag, a roll of masking tape because to black

gaffers tape sort of, big, because you tape off seats. If you're in a room that holds 500, yeah, we usually have someone seating, but they don't tonight. Black gaffers tape will keep 80% of the audience, if not 95, heading into the right direction. One person can just watch over. No, I don't take that

tape up, but one person can't get everybody to sit in the front. I would do that. And then, I realize they're not playing music. So if it's a big room and there's no music, so I would start bringing music. You know, get there early. Sometimes two hours before the show. What's it

matter if I get there two hours early and then I get it done and then I have an hour or half before the show. I'll go find a corner and a sofa to hang out with my friends. So it's worth getting there early. I get nothing fucking better to do. And I would go early, play music. And then the other thing was, I ended up buying a portable spotlight. And I'm going to tell you, it was like literally, like it was, it took up no room.

It just all compressed down to each other. And it was a teeny little thing. That way, and I, and I had to buy a gel for it because like it was too bright. And then I figured out there's extension cords with dimmer switches. So you plug. And they're like $8. So I figured out just. And then because now they're entering a room that might hold, which just happened a lot. When it didn't happen, it was a treat. 500 people, but 80 might show up. 40, 80 in that area. So if they enter a pitch dark room. That's fine, but 80 people in a room of 6,500. It's mostly empty. It seems like there's nobody there. It seems like there's nobody there. So now they're entering a pitch dark room with music playing and only the stage lights are on.

I go that all, well, if it had no lights, I had that thing. Sometimes, most of the time they had lights. It was in a proper room. But there were times where there were no lights. I bought that little portable light. And the other thing, I would always be able to figure something out. And I remember one show specifically, I'd find things to block the room off. Like backstage, it's a theater, so they have all those fake walls on wheels.

And there was four of those. You get college students, especially when you're nice. I'm like, hey, guys, do you mind? They always were like, no, you could use those. Then we made a square in the middle of the room. And the best feeling was they had to keep pushing the square back and back and back. But the thing is, it's not that many people. I thought there'd be 50.

And then it ended up being like 80. So 10 come in, boom. 10 come in. Now it's exciting. Right. Now it's like, 80 in a packed room. They keep having to come over three people and move these walls back and throw more chairs in and move the walls back. That would have been not a little worse.

It would have been shit. And a room holds 400 people. Everybody just all over the place. See the ceiling tiles. Yeah. You know. Fast forward to Corey traveling with a fucking rig. He's got walls with him.

I've got my bald bill trunk. There's, we're doing the whole thing. Yeah. He's going to take all this to heart. You're giving me a lot of good ideas. is, but now that I'm totally going to steal from you. Yeah, by the way, I steal. That's, you know, I take ideas, you know, from people love when you go, hey, remember your idea about music?

I've been doing that. You're going to tell Alexa to shut the fuck up. I know you are. He told me before the show that you can just, because I forget Lexon and then, uh, series. So he goes, you can just say, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Are you kidding me? When you're in a hurry, that'll be real nice.

Yeah. And I found it out. The frazzled, looking for your keys and shit. I found it out by accident. Like I literally was just like, Alexa, shut the fuck up. Buddy, I've done that. exact same thing. Silence.

I was like, holy fuck. There was one place there were trees in the lobby. There was like, I noticed. Who? No, I'm not kidding.

Fake trees. Yeah. Fake trees. Fake trees. I swear to God. Two George Car on. There was like these fake trees all over the lobby.

And again, I was like, hey, you know, they were like nice. They were like, okay, you know. And I started having a rider that it was so clean. Six things. Big black letters. Not a rider lost in, you know, saying, hey, look, it was like,

I'm fun. I look forward to meeting. everybody don't confuse this as me being but these are just some things we'll make the show about it and it worked when I went will there to turn the lighting out often what happens in colleges and I would write it in small underneath

you couldn't tell them to do something you had to tell them and tell the excuse underneath you've heard so everything was like sometimes it'll be like you know our janitor has to turn it off and he's not there but he you know we're trying to call him on the phone right now because they're embarrassed to give you that excuse you know it's like one

person to be seating the room a lot of times, you know, you'll hear something like we were. We had Jill, but she's taking midterm. So I go, just, you know, really try to think it through and it helped a little. I couldn't ask for that much because even then I knew you couldn't be more of a pain in the ass than you are a draw.

That's what I tell all my comedian friends. You can't be more of a pain in the ass than you are a draw. Yeah, more trouble than you're worse. And I worry about that, a lot. I really do. Even though most of the things I do at clubs, I'm not asking, I love hanging out with the staff. I'm friendly when I get there because I fucking, I'm in the happiest that I could be in a comedy

club. So I'm in a good mood. The things I want changed, I do. I'm sure over the years there's a club or two, I'm not aware of that, you know, go, we love Todd, but we just, it was too much. But it's not really that much. Right. So what's, what happened a month ago?

God, you got a good memory. I was, I for, so. Trees in the lobby just completely. Yeah, clean slide at outside trees. This is like, you know, I don't know if I should give it. Yeah, because they ended up doing it right. so I'll give them credit.

But helium Comedy Club, which is, well, helium bought bananas in New Jersey, in. Well, there's a go bananas in Cincinnati, isn't it? No, not going bananas.

Bananas. Oh, and there's Philly and. It's in, it's outside of Philadelphia. It's in New Jersey, and of course I'm forgetting the name, but it's been there 30 years. It's a club in a hotel, which means, you know,

oh yeah. And by the way, we just did a club in a hotel. No, no, no. It's in, it's in, um, bananas, whoever's listening will, Nyack, I think.

And it's been there for 30 years. You could say it's a pretty cool thing. 30 years in the same hotel. But they go in and look, what I don't have to do is worry about bananas, the old owner. Like I'm always, well, what have you heard this? Am I just being disrespectful him? No, they did it in a kitschy way and it worked, but it was time to update it. But the legacy is there.

I mean, every great comedian has worked this room. And banquet rooms don't have to be shitty. If anything, you know, so I told Mark what to do, but it didn't come in. I told him what to do. I was like, Mark, you got to put a nice backdrop up. Once a room's dark. Hey, banquet rooms, there's no bad sight lines. Right.

Once a room's dark, they're looking at one thing. That's the stage. So when I say nice backdrop, like a theater, that thick chained, you know what I mean? Not like a curtain from a people, a curtain from our house looks shitty. That thick drape that's in every high school, every auditorium. Velvetie. Rich, velvety. and it drapes on the ground a little bit

and it looks, it's, you know, that's... Todd feels about curtains the way you do about macaroni and cheese. I bet you he has similar theories on macaroni and cheese. We'll get to that. Sure. So, but by the way, the good news is they did it, but it wasn't ready then. But they did, I give credit helium. Like, they came in, they hung new lights.

They go, no, it can be in a bank room and be pretty cool, actually. People can turn the corner at a banquet room and be like, what the... This is a find. Right. So it wasn't there. So I had done a private show, and he said it would be there. I go, Mark, if I work at bananas, are the redo's going to be done yet?

And he said, yeah, no big deal. They just, the stuff didn't come in. And he called me up. He was awesome. He ended up paying for everything I was agreeing to pay. So he was really, he goes, no, no, I'll take care of it. And I did not ask him. Matter of fact, I was like, I didn't want him to because I didn't want that to be the word out.

Yeah, Todd came in. We had to do it. I go, Mark, I'm happy to pay for it. I even fibbed on how much it was a little because I was embarrassed what I was willing to spend. I mean, I still made money, but I just made less. So I go and I have a two-piece for there. I have a keyboard and drums, and that's nice. You know, they're going to wear like black suits.

They'll look cool. And there was a company I did a private event for, and they said, no, we're going to do it right. And that guy brought a blue, thick, thick blue, set it up with the piping. It was like, it looked like it could have been like, you know, just like the most expensive theater in the world. He set it up. He had two portable lights. He set them up.

And then he had, I remember at this private event, he had this case full of lights. You can make him any color you want and put them on the floor all around the room. So now the whole room was blue. The curtaining, even though the stage is little, it goes five feet, five feet past it on the right. Five makes the stage when you walk in. You see a microphone and just a presence. And it looked good. It didn't look better.

And then there's two guys playing jazz. People turn the corner. Now they look shitty sitting in there in their jackets. Because usually it didn't look so bad. Now it looks like, why are people wearing their winter? her jackets. Yeah. You know what I mean? And the woman that has worked

at that hotel, who I was afraid I was going to drive crazy, because I wanted to gel a few of the lights near the door. So when you're walking through the lobby, all of a sudden you see a sea of blue. She's like, that's all right. She's, that's fine if it's over there. And then she came in the room and the other woman goes, oh no, she, I go, she like it?

You know, because I care, you know. She goes, no, she's, she's practically coming. Like in a good way. I was like, that made me feel good that the manager of the room who has been working there for 30 years easily could have not told me that because it was positive and maybe she didn't want it

she didn't like the change. She was like no and she liked it. They were all awesome and it looked I wasn't embarrassed to work there. I wasn't embarrassed because anybody that came to see me they would turn the corner yeah they'd get to a hotel I get it but then when they turned in that room and there's blue room candles on

every table black table cloths backdrop that looks great the band's playing jazz as they're being It's like you said about being a fine. You know, if it's people that haven't been to that room before, you know, yeah, they walk into a hotel and they're going into like a banquet room or whatever. Their expectations are probably pretty low for the aesthetic, you know, like, and then they round the corner and see all that.

And like anytime your expectations, you know, are low initially and then, you know, if they're exceeded, that makes the experience overall better than just, you know, what it would have been otherwise. And a lot of dives can do that. pretty easy. Like, my favorite thing is what a waitress said, and I coined the expression ever since she said it. She goes, oh, this doesn't look better. This is fucking night and day.

And I loved her because, you know what? I appreciated it, but she was right. You know, I wasn't going to play like, oh, well, I don't know. It's like, now it's not an embarrassment. And that's easy to do with a lot of clubs. I don't know why they don't do it sometimes, but, yeah, I don't want to be embarrassed where I'm working. Well, what about

I want to talk about the band, too, but I just thought of this. What about, like, when it comes to comedy clubs, you know, the like dendier ones, you know what I mean, the kind of like grimy or whatever, like, how do you feel about that? Because like, I, I dig that. But, you know, you like, you like the, the curtains and all this, like, whatever, like, it can still be, you know, like, well, you know, like, I'm afraid. I like, I feel like I, as long as you, I'm not boring you, I'll, I'll, no, please. So, like, this is a good example. I don't mind saying this because they think, well, you're

shitting on a club, aren't you? No, because it's almost adorable that they let me do whatever I want and they save my box of stuff. But this has to do with grimy, you know, that I think this is grimy with a little, but I like grimy with a little polish. Yeah. So I actually, if you go, well, Todd, would you rather work this place or would you rather if they knocked it down? I go, no, I like what I do with the grimyness. But it's a cool place and the crowds are great. And even the teeny little kitchen at this place pumps out food creatively. Like, I don't want to work. in a place that sends out food like a bowling alley, like with orange baskets and white paper. And I'm sorry, I always think there's probably some clubs that are the best clubs in the world.

I get it, but they do that. And so what if they hear this? I always think that, well, that's all right. They change. Why do I? I got to shut up because I drop jokes out of my act. I hope I never finish learning. But to me, that's like saying, no, we don't.

It's not in the gray area. But this little kitchen, all the food sends out creative. It's like, it's in baskets, but there's brown. paper, not white paper. I noticed that. I compliment the guy in the kitchen. I go, you know what? Everything you send out, again, it's not embarrassing. I really don't want to work a club that nachos come out

in an orange basket with a white piece of paper and a pump of cheese all over them. Like, come on. Like, let me make pretend that I'm... Did you ever do sideswaters in Knoxville? No, but it's the one in Florida, and a few of them do that. The one in Knoxville, because that's our home club.

That's where we, it was. That's where we started. But their food, yeah, me and Drew, their food was very much what you're talking about. And you know how I know I'm not being a jerk because even if they go we can't change it. This is what we can afford. Just present it differently. I'm like, oh, I'll give you, I would love you for that. If you went, we're just doing it all the same. We don't

have time to revamp, but you're right. Let's order some new baskets and brown paper. It comes out nice. Right. You know what I mean? Like, Vermont Comedy Club. It comes out on like these little tin trades. We were just talking about that place last night, actually. It's the best in these audiences. Where? Vermont. Oh, yeah.

Nathan. Yeah, Nathan and Natalie. They're just, they're, you want to mush the fuck out of them. We're going to see them in July. That's a great town, too. We did, uh, we did, we did a, was one, one or two, we did two shows. Two shows and one night there. Last fall or winter.

And yeah, we're going back for a weekend this summer. But yeah, I was actually sick as a fucking dog. I was too. I had a real bad science infection, but still had a great day. I still really liked that place. You can go from the hotel. Right, straight down in the green room. in the elevator get off the

yeah so let's just finish my thought so when I go to the comedy bar that's what I'm talking about in Toronto the food I couldn't change so that the fact that that's there no matter what that's there that's not my doing that's just they get it but I go in there and when you work there in the summer

the sun sets at the bar windows it's a type of place where you walk in and you go right downstairs and there's the bar but it's six stairs down and that's the type of sun that points out every mistake every piece of dust every hole in the wall. So there's two black tablecloths there. They're in a box now. They go up. And then, like last time I was there, I just paid someone to do it because I didn't want to do it. But they

gel every light down the hallways, into the bathrooms. Because the bathrooms actually look pretty cool when they're deep blue. It hides, it hides not a little, but a lot all down these hallways. You know, there's nicks and scrapes everywhere. And then the bar, they light a few more candles. I think because they see eye care, it looks like even the bartenders, which I really appreciate. They man it a little better. Go out and keep the tables wiped off. And now there's candles everywhere in a deep blue room without baking sun coming in.

And here's the shabby, I think. The blue makes it chic. And then you turn the corner. And it's a, it's like, it's got that gritty feel, which is good. It's got grit.

And the walls have nicks from chairs and people laughing and probably back. But I prefer up on the stage still have that be just boom. Yeah. So they'll take the backdrop from the other room and put it in there when I'm there. But every time I can't fucking believe that they don't go, oh, no, this has to stay. Even though every fucking person walks in, turns the corner and sees, again, two guys, black-fitted suits, one playing keyboards there, one guitar there, one drums. And they're just brand new, not a stain on it, perfect backdrop. And it's like, what?

I think that's when you realize, you know, in a relationship aesthetically, there. someone that's always lucky. Sometimes you go, oh, well, you know, and sometimes you admit it yourself. You're like, I lucked out here, you know. Like, that's when you realize when you turn the corner, you're the lucky one, not that you're there. Right. How did I not know about this place? And I think I've turned places into really great places.

No, no, to like, what the fuck? Right. If they've never been there before, they'll be like, well, how do we not know about this? Especially the people that like knowing about places like that. They go, wow, this is special. This is in my city. this is in a hotel yeah you mean we could turn the corner in a banker room and go what the fuck and that's free to do pretty much yeah when we did when we did your podcast or when try did your

podcast we're here i remember telling him when we left i was like first off i feel immediately better because your your energy is infectious and the second thing i said was my god how much work he puts in to this audio podcast and i was like that guy's the hardest work to do it over me You're a very high effort guy. And I didn't even know how deep it ran in this. Like you, it's like, by God, I'm going to do the show. And also, I'm going to make everyone's life better. Just get the fuck out of my way.

I don't know when I started caring about it, but it's fun to do. Yeah. And especially in the clubs, you know. And I don't know if it's because as I've been doing comedy a long time. It's like I said, I don't want to be embarrassed where I'm working. You want what you want. I mean, so. There's only two reasons people wouldn't make something like that look nice

when it is as easy as you just talked about. It's either ignorant. or not giving a shit. Those are two very different beasts. Like, you know what I mean? Like, when you go into a place, is there pushback sometimes? With me, it would be ignorance, I can tell you.

Like, I don't know how to make a place look good. Right. I don't know how to do what you're talking about doing. Right. You know what? And I think a lot of people don't. I think you're right. And that's why the college thing,

I wouldn't go, why doesn't everyone do this? To let you know, my frustration, when I start, I get it. It might not be even someone's wheelhouse. That portable light, I don't know why. I just think that way.

And I think, oh, But there's someone that didn't do it. I wouldn't go, what? But when I get angry, it's it, yeah, yeah, you run a club, you should know this. I'm not picking. I'm not picking. Picking makes it look like you tried on a scale from one to ten, 10 being the hardest. I'm not going to the clubs.

10 being the hardest you could try. Like, let's say I'm a 10. I've given a shit. And if they're a four, you think, no, four. I'll be like, oh, I'll go out of my way to be like, that's really cool. We put Christmas lights in the green room. It's so bright in there. but we heard you say that.

I'm not going, well, Christmas lights. I'm making fun of them. Are you shitting me? And you know what? The UCB, I'm going to say,

you know what? Because you do, you worry. But if they hear this, why do I have to be worried about saying it? I'm not wishing anybody ill. I'm not like not crediting it

for the being the institution is. Justifiably, who's pumped out a lot of great comedy. And I mean it. But the UCB on sunset, that green room. No, no, I'm not.

Overhead lighting, you could not give a fuck about atmosphere. That is a joke. No, no, you know what I mean? I'm not saying, I don't think I'm unique for realizing it. Isn't overhead lighting almost societally a joke? Like everyone knows.

You know what I'm talking about, right? Like it a, like a... Societally a joke. Everyone knows. I thought you'd be surprised of your listeners. I thought it was like a joke. You know when you go into like a Hertz renter car? Fluorescent lighting.

Fuck! I just hit him. Yes, yes. I'm sorry. Fluorescent light. Yeah, yeah. Yes, I'm with you on that. I'm sorry.

Can you edit out the other? Because I look crazy because that's not known, but fluorescent. It's like everyone knows. Doctors offices, like you said, a rental car plant. That's a joke amongst people like, oh, the fluorescent lighting here is killing me. And home goods stores. I thought you were meant in like anything. No, no.

I have lamps and candles only. And that one's been ripped off in a fit of rain. That's how I thought it too. You fucking ripped out of the ceiling. The light over my dining room table because we're doing at my house I got rid of so now there's just a hole in the wall where the electricity is so he looks like God damn it

out. I don't want one light in here. He cares so much. He's explaining to our podcast listeners what we're talking about so they're not lost. So they're not lost. So but real quick so I'm so glad we clarified that because Oh yeah.

You never live that one down. You think everyone knows that but they don't. So in the green room of the UCB this has to do with when I think I'm not picking. Like I really want to know the answer Someone heard this over there, and they go, well, there's no lamp. Now, if you were shooting a movie, and if you go, well, Todd, that's not how we do it. Well, then start doing it that way.

And someone said Johnny Cash is going to be backstage. You know what? Let's use comedians. It's in the past. It's George Carlin. We're shooting it. It's a backstage area. And we just want it to look like it's got some soul.

Well, someone should go, well, it probably would. It's backstage at a club. I would imagine that's the good clubs. Yes, they get it. Have a lamp. that way if someone if you want overhead lighting maybe you got it if you walked into the UCB even the people there that do it I'm not look

I want them to hear this and go into their green room and go does it look like where you'd fucking want to shoot that well then why don't you make it look like that I'm not picking like overhead lighting like why wouldn't you want to have its soul have two lamps maybe somebody wants it really dark they turn on one maybe they want you to give them some options like at the Portland helium like

it's like I'm not wrong you know how I know I'm not wrong because it's not really what I want. It is to a degree. But if I turn the lights in the green room, like the overhead lighting, I'll walk into a green room on an open mic night before I get there and what they call Todd Isid or whatever. And it's like bright and I go, Jesus, fuck.

And I turn the lights off. 99% of the people go, wow, that's better. You reach over and turn the lamp on. So, like, I don't think I'm being picky. I just think some people, and you said, why? I don't know why. I really want to know why about the UCB Green Room. I want to know, like, if someone heard this, hypothetically, would they go, well, he's being a dick about it?

I hope not, because I think I'm actually took the time to be pretty loving about what an institution it is. Once you clarified that it was fluorescent life, now they're with you, I think. You know what I did? At first you were literally mad there was a light in the road. I know, I know. It looks like, but fluorescence, like that's the green room. No, you're right. That is a thing that people, yes, that's a thing societal.

Well, read podcast listeners, please. tweet at UCB Sunset? Oh, no. We know I want to get the fucking bottom of this. As long as they hear this and they would go, no, he did take the time. But I want to know, here's the specific question. When you go in there after I'm saying this, and whoever, someone heard this hypothetically, and they go in there, take a look at their green room and they go, would they go, oh, right?

It's not. Or would they go, oh, of course he's right. Get two lamps at a thrift store. To anybody who says, don't get two lamps at a thrift store, it's not like, well, there's more than one right way to have a green room and have the atmosphere in it, of course there's one way. And you're right, you thought I was going to argue. Oh, no, you're fucking damn right that there's more than one way to have it be pretty cool. Your way isn't it.

Your way isn't it. So get over that. Don't think, oh, I don't, don't you. I'm one stepping fucking head of you. Look at it and go, wow, yeah, this isn't even in the gray area. I fucking homage to the gray area. This is no area. This is like, this is like what the, like, and by the way, does it mean?

I don't know what it means, but I am deadly, morbidly curious. I want to know if someone's brought it up there. Maybe there has been. Maybe somebody goes, I know, I've been saying, why don't we get some lamps? But they go,

nah, but I want to, has it been discussed? Do they think, we think it's pretty good. Oh, and I fucking love to know. Me too.

Well, Dodglass, champion of the little people. Do you, why don't they stand up for? Comedy. Honestly, why don't they have,

like, when someone opens a club or just even ones that are currently existing, like, similar to queer eye for the strike guy, but like,

where comedians go in and go, all right, club owner. You know, because nobody gives a fuck yeah you should have that show I don't want it

I have a nervous breakdown because you don't go around and Utah to five people's businesses and shit I already thought about it you ever watch your shows people by the way they might be reality shows but they're real shows

oh yeah these are real people that write letters that have failing businesses they can manipulate the fuck out of it but there's some of it to believe what I'm saying you have to go no no no

this is real they have a failing business they write a letter to somebody. They get picked. And then trucks and producers call and trucks and plumbers and decorators and the star of a show. You're writing a letter because you have a failed

restaurant. The guy or girl that's showing up is so good, they have a show. And they argue the whole time. Fuck that. I knife myself with that. I do one show. I go, your club is failing. You're failing. You called me.

Just by sheer odds. Why don't you shut the fuck up and let me fix it? What do you want to go out of business? This is a money laundering place. I wish you were in a studio so we could play the I could never have a show like that. Hey, if it paid enough, I don't know if I could turn it away, but I'm not going out and trying to sell that type of nervous breakdown

I'd eventually have dealing with morons every week. And the other thing is you can't really teach somebody that doesn't give a shit. Like, the only way clubs I notice are great, the somebody, and this is what I told healing when they open, I go make sure that there's someone with power that knows about comedy. A lot of times at a bad club,

the person that knows the most about comedy, like there's a manager that really gives his shit and he wants to do this and he wants to do that has the least amount of power. Right. But the person that maybe worked at Applebee's for 30 years, which is important because part of a club is a restaurant. You need someone with restaurant experience.

But when they're making all the creative decisions, your club goes to shit. Like one simple thing that would be nipped in the butt if a club had creative person knows about comedy and has some power in the company. They're talking about the food. Oh, we're going to make this. You know what? That's so delicious. I tried it

to the chef that was, you know, say we should put this on the menu. I had it last night. Holy shit, that's good. But you know what? It takes too long to make it's too sloppy. It's not showroom food. That's what, but if you don't have that, you just end up with food all over the place. Like they're serving prime rib and, you know, in the first row. Because no one goes, no,

you can't have full. You've got to be able to serve it. If they come in 20 minutes before the show, we have to have the type of food that we can get out to them quickly. Otherwise, you have people eating, those type of things. Yeah. So, damn it. The band. The band.

Can I say one more thing? Yes, please. I am really now in my head. By the way, I have to give every detail of this so I don't get fairly judged. I got there early, so I went up and you know the plastic things that go over the lights? Yeah. You know, you reach in, they unhook. I unhooked two of them and unscrewed two of the lights in each one.

You know, they're round bulbs. You can just turn them. They stay up there. Turn the other one. Open up the other one. Turn them, turn them. So there's only one row in each one. Yeah. So if they went in now, it's not great, but I wouldn't be talking about it.

That way, so someone went in there, like when they heard this, and they've never plugged back in the bulbs. They didn't even know they were disconnected. And they were in there in a week. And they walked in, they went, it's not that bad. They'd be right. But know what I did. Because of you. Because of me.

Yeah. But still needs a lamp. But anyway, now I'm done. I'm probably turning the air conditioning on. You are sweating. I know. The band. Yes.

I think that's cool as shit. Can I go open the door? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, this is my favorite podcast we've ever done. I didn't know exactly where he was going with the whole, like, whether like bar rescue,

like, when he was talking about those shows, I didn't know exactly where he was going with that. And then when he said, like, you know, they argue the whole time, you dumb fuck. Like, that shit. Did you think it was going the? opposite way. I thought he was going to say I would have too much sympathy for those people and I didn't want to be around them when they're failing. I feel

bad for them. So, I'm expecting this really empathetic thing and then he starts screaming about it. But I totally agree with you. I mean, yeah, you're right. I've told a friend that he goes, well, probably makes better television than they argue. That's why they do. I go, I get it, but they're still real people. They don't create them. They just, when they interview people,

they see their denial level. But that doesn't matter. What it is saying, there's probably a ton of people that would get that rolled into town for them and would exactly what we're saying. Maybe they don't pick those. Right. But the others still exist.

Right. And that's still who you would have to be dealing with. That's still who I'd have to be dealing with. Because of the whole that makes better TV thing. So your whole deal of, I'd have a nervous breakdown. Yeah. That's still going to be the case.

And you know what else? Fake working sucks too. We did a pilot once to try to try to like sell it. I greet my neighbor's house. I told them they were real nice and I said, look, I'm shooting this thing. And I could redo your front of the, your house. I had like $1,000 I spent.

The truth is I just was, you know, really wanted to redo the front of their house. But I didn't want to insult them. So you did a pilot? Well, we picked that. By the entire pilot around this. We picked that. Because you couldn't stay looking at their fucking shitty

at the front of the house. We have the best type of disease in the world. We were trying to decide. We were trying to decide. I want to see how good your memories. If you remind talking about obsession when I went to see Paul Anka, but I want to finish this story first. Okay, all right.

So it's a story about cleaning up a, well, you'll hear it. But so my neighbor, we had to decide, like, what are we going to do? We have this low budget pilot we're going to shoot. And someone said, this place I could do. There was a little restaurant I thought I could maybe fix up, you know, something low, low amount of money, big, big amount of change. And I did, they were always so nice. And but it would be nice. It needed a little help the front of their house, you know.

And so they let me do it. And we had $1,000 and it ended up, you know, it ended up looking really, there was a point. of this story. The reason I was saying about, oh, we picked them. Did you not like it? Did you not enjoy doing it? And that's why you did a lot of the pilot? Thank you. You said fake working still sucks. But they asked me they were asking me to pick up things. They go, you don't have to

do it, but like pick it up. And so I'm picking it up. And what it means fake do it is like, just walk at 10 feet so we get shots of you picking up stuff and doing stuff. I'm like, oh, this is exhausting. This is why I'm a comedian. I don't want to lift shit. When you're funny, you don't lift shit. Guys, when it comes to your health, brushing your teeth is one of the most

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Make it hip. Now, back to the podcast. That's the way life works out. If you ever do that show, make that a part of it. Be like, unlike all these other shows, I'm not going to pretend to be carrying shit. I'm going to hire people to do that. Yeah, and it's not like I'm not there getting dirty.

I just don't like, I don't like live. I'm exhausted as it is. You know, I'm not a breath right now. Paul, Anka. That was it. Look at you. Boom.

It's been 30 seconds. You're so impressed with memory. You know, you get, I do have a phenomenal memory. He does. That's actually true. Yeah, that's, do you really have a memory? Yeah, that's one of his memory. Yeah, that's the worst.

Yeah, it's nice to be around some of the memory. has a good memory. You can reap the benefits. He, what kind of person you are. We'll do a meet and greet for like 300 fucking people. Yeah, they're not crazy about it often. He'll do a meeting greet for like 300 fucking people. And then like towards the end, somebody that was in the middle of it will be like, oh, left my purse on stage.

And he'll be like, it's okay, Olive and Bill. Good to see you again. And it's blowing my mind. I know. Isn't it? I would love that because a lot of times I remember people. Oh, sorry. No, you're fine.

I'll remember people, but I won't. I'll hold it for you while you do what you got to do. I don't remember their faces. I don't remember their names like that, but I see people can. But Corey and I are shitty people, so no, we're not excited that he has a good memory. Yeah, this man knows a lot of stuff that I've done, and he'll never forget it. But yeah, I want to hear whatever story you want to tell, but I do, but also the whole, the evolution of the band thing. It's almost becoming a bit that we don't talk about the band.

I know. You're right. At this point, I know what he's doing. What is it you want to know? What do you normally talk about in your podcast? Whatever. Whatever you want to talk about. You're derailing. No. No. No.

Lord, this is probably the... You're railing up. Yeah, this is the best one we've done in so long. A lot of times it's just us three and we're, you know, we're stupid and we fart. Well, I will say after the band, and this is related to what we sometimes talk about. If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about what we talks about on your porch, which I'll remind you. Oh, yes. I'll answer the band real bit.

So what was your question, sir? Can I ask your question? I don't mean to be rude. You have a live backing band. But can I ask you a question first? And I hope this doesn't come off rude. Your name, Rhoda, right? What if a guy's dad off?

Like, Rota, I'm sorry. It's not Rota? I thought it was Rota. You're like, no, it's Trey. Oh. Was that Happy Dyes, Rota. It was a spinoff of Happy Dyes? Rota was like a spinoff from...

It was a spin-off from a spin-off. Something, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Rota is like... That's Dick Van Dyck spin-off, in it. Rota? I know, because when I was younger, that show was on the air, but I can't remember it.

Mary Tyler Moore. Maritime War. You're right. She lived in the attic. Yep. She used to hook up a lot. That was my mom said. She was, why would she want to live in the attic?

I'm kidding, by the way. So, the band, I started to, like, do it on the road. At first, it was just as people. How? Like, something you'd always wanted to try,

or just occurred to you? I always liked the, it made it like an event. Like, Vegas. Yeah, as they're being seated. Like, I realized once.

So they would just play for me at first. And then they would play house music as they were walking in, you know, just whatever I would bring. You know, because I would, of course, you know, bring music? And then one day they go, you want us to play as they're walking in? I'm like, because to me, that's a long time. At that club, it was sometimes an hour. Yeah, yeah.

They go, yeah, like, and then I was like, from then on, it was a game change. I was like, it changes everything. It was like, it was really cool. It, like, made it like an event. And they're playing jazz. They're playing jazz. People are being seated. Where else were you?

Well, you were, while you were being seated, there's live music. it's like what? Like that's the way I would look at it even though I'm doing it It seems like I'm judging it like a customer Because I'm able to look at it From that perspective too And I went out to see shows before I did shows

Even when I was 15 I remember going to the Valley Forge Music Fair And I remember the opening I remember when it got dark Ladies and gentlemen Good evening and welcome to an evening With blah blah blah And the John Coral Orchestra

House lights went out even darker Ladies and I was like wow It gets fun already So the band's playing They're in a good mood And then they would do bits with me and it's a weird way to explain it but it's like you see a stand-up comedian obviously

that's me and then you get to see like I don't want to say sketches because that would throw people up but they're like a little 30 second sketches and there's like a bunch of buffoons that every bit is they're lying every bit it's the same bit they're lying they're just all and they all talk it's the talk over each other

bit like where you just go like I'll be like yeah we do impersonations we've been torn around and then whatever I do they just mimic I'll go one percent or two percent so now you have four or five people if you have fake band members sitting in. Sometimes podcast members sit in with the band. They wear suits and I give them bongos and the ratchet.

They know the bits because they listen to the podcast. Yeah. People walk into the club. They see five members. Only two could be real. But every bit's like, you know, I go, uh, the other day I was, you know, they bumped me up to first class. Then you have five people.

Whoa. Oh, first class. And that's just, I had a heart attack. And one night, you know, because some of it's planned, a lot of it isn't. I go, no, if you want to do it, do it. So one night, it was funny on the special Because he did it a week before I said Oh no, do that on the special

But a week before I said I had a heart attack And I would have never thought to do that bit there Right Oh, Todd had a heart attack He's so great and I just go Well, that's not really bragging So anyway, and there's just bits Throughout the whole show

And it sort of grew And I liked it It was like coming out to mute Like to me like I make such a be quiet announcement I'm so strict about it And loving But I really take my time No, no, I'm serious

I take this. time to even go, don't think this announcement sounds off-putting, because it's the exact opposite. I want this to be special. I literally say that. And sometimes a few guidelines I go through them all, I won't bore you with them now, and then I go, other than that, they just heard these two guys play jazz all night,

just dripping out, you know, background music, jazz, and then I'll go, other than that. I get off on saying it's soft, because I go, other than that, folks, it's Showtime. And then they go, boom! Like, hard! But clean, like rock and roll, clean, hard. You know, for 25 seconds. Yeah. And then

you go, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to stage, your first act, Chip Chantry. You deliver your opening act to the stage like a stud, like you're a fucking, you are the star of the show, walks out to that mic, and if they take advantage of it, they just do their jokes. Know how you do, and how about a hand for the band, if you need something to say, I tell them.

Then when he's done, blackout, he doesn't introduce me, just walks off the stage. The band goes, Chip Chantry, ladies and gentlemen, Chip Chantry. It goes dark, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome. Todd Glass. Band, it's fun to walk out to music like that, and you cut them off, and it just makes it

I feel dry without it now you know when I'm performing I'd say yeah so like when you're just if you got a bit in mind you're wanting to just workshop you know so you're going out somewhere you know you're not

you're not bringing any of those guys with you for that type of thing right or like showcase shows around town or whatever that sort of thing I have an iPad and I'll do stuff with that okay you know around town sometimes it is fun to go to like like a just you know a bar show right but John Brand Wagner

who's a comedian that happens to do the music on the show so he knows the iPad it's it spoils you. Like he can do, like, you know, he can, I can have fun on stage.

He, boom, boom, he knows what the fuck he's doing. Yeah. If I'm doing it with a club, like in the old days, I would just get to the club early an hour before the doors open

and the sound guy would go over it with me. And you know what? They did a really pretty good job sometimes. Overwhelmingly, they were, because there's a lot of error you can hide behind. Overwhelmingly,

they were great all the time. Not like John Brian Wagner, though. There's just that type of ability. He's got six pages on there. He flips back and forth. I can do a boat about the bit about the cheesecake factory cruise. What if there was a cheesecake factory cruise?

All of a sudden, you hear a ship horn. Yeah. Yeah. So it's fun. That's amazing. So there you go. All right. Well, that makes sense.

He's got a mic twirling. I wish that I'd been filming that. You mentioned the heart attack. That happened at Largo, right? It did. Well, talk about that if you don't care. I don't mind. The only reason I don't like to... But I really don't mind talking about it.

But the only one part, which I hate that I give a shit about, so vain, heart attack is like, when I'm little, you hear... Oh, that guy had a heart attack. He's old, you know? Right. Why was the youngest guy to ever have a heart? No. But that's that weird thing with death is embarrassing. What? Death is embarrassing for some reason.

And I think that's part of that with the... Like, I guess it's getting old. You know, it's... I think... I guess it's... You know, it's just because, you know, it's just because, you know, it's... You know, I don't feel, you know, just talking about age in general. You know, that's what it's tilting towards, you know.

Yeah, it's always death at the end. Yes, right. That's what you're right. I mean, if you clean it up, that's what it is. But I don't, like, I really do feel, like, the only thing I had to do very different in my life, I quit smoking. And I juice every single day and out. Even on days my diet might be horrendous. Every single day I put like kale, celery, carrots, beech, ginger.

I don't think that's a fad. Putting nutrition in your body. I think we can pretty much agree that on my worst day, my body would go, you know what? We wish you didn't eat it four in the morning and a whole pizza. But thanks for giving us some, when your worst day, something great for us to try to live, you know, and survive. So I try to do that.

But I feel great. The only thing I had to do different was start stretching about five years ago. And that changed my life. I felt, that's all. I felt, wait, why am I, I'm walking bent over when I get out of the car? If they're like, that changed in a week. So I feel like literally the same as I did when I'm 19. Sometimes I'll literally be sitting around the house, and I'm getting paid to use the word literally a lot, and look at my hand.

And when I'm high, I should mention. And I'll go, what? Like, I'm just, I'm still feel the same. Like 19, the bits I do with my friends. And I'm like, so then when you have to heart attack or, you know, ask somebody how old, someone goes, how old are you? I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah. But you were at.

I'm 72, by the time. Probably not as old. People can go find it out. They can find it out. It's five years off. You were at a show, right? You're at Largo. Had you went up already or were you, you hadn't went up yet?

I smoked a lot, but I'm a one-hit pot smoker. Yeah. I don't smoke during the day. Oh, God, you were high when you had a heart attack? I was. I was. So, I never looked at it that way. God damn.

Never since that happened that I ever realized, well, so all those stories are probably because you were high having a heart attack, unless the pain medicine overcomes that. Sure. But, so, because I get to, you make it sound more fun. Hey, shit. I'm not having a heart attack. I was high. I had a heart attack.

Fuck, no, no. I spit right in its face. I'll get high and have a heart attack right now, got down. I get too high and I think I'm having a heart attack and I'm not. So the idea of actually having a fucking heart attack while high, terrifying. No, that don't sound fun to me. Because it seems like I would just die because I'd go, here's a panic attack.

Here's a panic attack, and I wouldn't do, I would just start trying to breathe. And the next thing you know, I'd be out. Well, you know what? Thank God for Jeff Ross because, I mean, I think every, see, Sarah Silverman had about five months before seen me have, which seemed just like, I didn't know I had panic attacks until about a year ago. I just tried to describe it to everybody. And when somebody said, this proves that people that have them, they're not looking to give it a name. It was the opposite. Right. Someone goes, you're having a panic attack.

I told me what it was. I had to be told as well. No, I'm not. I knew what a panic attack was. No, I didn't. But people say it. I go, no, no, no, no, I'm just this. And I describe it.

We all have the same story. And they go, yeah, you're having a panic attack. Right. So then I realize, okay, that's what I'll call it, because everyone that knows what it is will know exactly what I'm going through it. And as opposed to the old days I'd have to go, and then I'm thinking, I don't know why, but every time I'm really happy, then I think, oh, my God, am I going to die because I'm this happy?

Could it get better than this? And then whenever I get really happy and I'm high, I can sometimes have a panic attack. Because I'm like, when I'm not just laughing, but, like, giggling. Like, if I watch a TV show and it's doing it for me and I'm high, and I'm literally kicking my feet in the air laughing. Like, I can't believe it. I go, I'm going to die. You just got to the core of all of us really quick.

This is great. I'm going to die. So Sarah had seen me have one of those panic attacks where everybody wanted to call an ambulance. She had seen it before, like five, six months ago or whatever. And I did it. It passed. I would just get a little too high. And it would take about an hour.

And I had to just breathe deep, breathe deep, breathe deep. It takes about an hour. And then I lift my head. And she watched me and I went, oh my God, I'm okay. I go, I took about an hour. And it happened four months before that when I was at the Tempe improv. Same thing. I told Saturday, yeah, this happened like four months ago.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. So that's what she had every reason to think. And she said he's fine, you know. And every reason to be, even though she was wrong. You get what I mean? She wasn't wrong. She was wrong and right. She had every fucking reason with 100%

certainty to that point say now once Jeff said he's going to call an ambulance she didn't argue you know she was like yeah you know but she had every reason to believe to to hold it off and then uh but um but i but i remember left i remember i didn't know i was having a heart attack yet but i remember jeff ross he took my shoe off and then he and i could not at that point all i could do is like you know when you're really hung over have you all been like too hungover right now but do you remember when you get to that spot i think this is where i was at i didn't feel great but i didn't feel great but if I just breathed, I was okay. Okay, it's a start.

If I don't do it, if someone asks me if I'm okay, and I have to go, I'm okay, I have to start over again. Just let me breathe, keep people away from me, and I'm in a wonderful spot. I wish you all knew how wonderful I was doing, you know, just I can't talk. That's how I felt. So Jeff took my shoe off, and then he went, whew, and he put my shoe back on, and I just hit the floor like that. I hit my hand on the floor.

Sarah goes, oh, he's giving you a sympathy laugh or something, and I went, no, it's not. That's the only words I said all night long, because it was. Because it wasn't. He really made me laugh. He takes my shoe off. Like it smells. But no one knew it was having a heart attack. Then the ambulance got there.

They said, we'll put you in there. We'll check your vitals. So it saved you a trip to the emergency board. Because I didn't want to go. And I said, okay, that made me think, oh, it's not a commitment to go to the hospital, really. And then two minutes later, he goes, sir, I don't want to alarm you, but you're having a heart attack. I literally go. I don't want to alarm you.

But I can hell, I got to tell you. There's no other way to deliver that information. Shut the, in affectionate in that term, I go, shut the fuck out. Do they have to tell you? Couldn't they just start working on you and just be like, oh, this is a standard procedure? And then later go, we saved you from a heart. That's how I want it to go. They were, can I tell you the thing that makes you feel good?

They were moving so fast that it started to scare me. That's when I got a little nervous. I watched them moving very, very aggressively. I just told. Once they got that information. I just told a story on the podcast recently and it was the opposite thing. I was in the hospital. They've all heard the story.

But the point is I peed blood because I was on a blood thinner. and the nurse moved slowly and was kind of mean to me in a joking way and that's when I knew I was fine. Do you know what I mean? Right. She was like there's like you have to save my life not make fun of me right now if I'm dying.

Right. Yeah, because you know, most, you know, they know the appropriate. Yeah, and I was, they were moving so quickly where, you know, I got little nervous. And then the ambulance, you know, I remember the light going on, I remember thinking. Hating it.

Fuck this line. They get some fucking jail in this goddamn. Ambul. You're going to put a scarf over the flesh and light. I don't ask for a lot, God damn it. I don't ask for a fucking lot. Turn this fucking beeping thing. Get to the goddamn ambulance an hour before your fucking shift.

It's not that fucking hard, guys. You piece of shit. Do you have any pride? This is your rig. Do you know that? You're a first respond. You're not the second responder. You're the first responder.

No, you can't soundproof it. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm having a heart attack. Listen to the siren. No, that'll do a lot for my indigestion. Thanks a lot. Beep, beep, beep. Fuck you.

I loved it. I don't need to see the orderly. You know what I mean? Keep him in the dark for Christ's sake. So now I went and I got a stint. And, you know, I remember I said to the doctor, I go, the next day I said, I said, I feel like just blood rushing through my body. He goes, there is. You're alive.

And I remember specifically, I tell an edited version of this on stage, but I don't tell this part. Maybe like I've told it like four or five times. But there was a point when they had. me upstairs and then Sarah and Jeff Ross were like, oh no, no, you know, it was Sarah and Jeff Ross was one other person. Was this like after a show? It was after a show. Okay, so the show had already happened. I was wondering if like there was people like going up and shit while you're back there. No, no, no. And the backtrack is second. One of the other funny things I thought Jeff Ross did. I'm laying there. At this point, I have my shoes are off and I'm laying there

and Jeff Ross goes, do you want us to let the audience to tell him to leave? And I, I, Can you imagine the whole audience sitting there while I'm laying there on the floor and the, you know, like the joke. And, you know, obviously he was joking. And I thought that was really funny too, but I couldn't laugh. But, yeah, then, you know, they, they put the, you know, they operated on me. Put a stint in there. And I was a little, I was at first really mad at myself because I could have prevented it. Right.

And to have anything fake in your body or stint, like, it really went, what the fuck? I could have, I didn't. I should have been on the Lipitor. I knew I should have been on a Lipitor. my diet is horrendous and I smoked about a pack of week and now I quit And you know what the good part is

I know buddy First thing that my dad had a heart attack And the first thing they asked He and I's last Yeah the first thing they First thing they said was You asked him does he smoke And he didn't smoke

And but that's what he told me when he got out He's like son You've got to fucking quit And he's like you can be You can eat this, you can eat that or whatever But you can't Apparently that's the one You smoke?

Yeah I know it's fun. It's great. I know. It really is. And I finally understand what people say you always miss it, but you don't crave it. I went, wait, I don't understand. That bummed me out because I thought, I thought, you haven't smoked in 10 years. You're supposed to say, no, you don't miss it. You don't crave it. It goes away. Now you're telling me you always miss it, but it's not, what the fuck. Now I know what they mean. And I think it really happened when the last three times, I got nauseous, two times. Yeah. Yeah. And at first, I was bummed. I went, ah, fuck. I, I,

And I went, whoa, that's a good thing. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to like these. I don't want to like this. It's bad for me. This is my body telling me. Stop! And so now it's even easier.

But in the last, since I had the heart attack, I had a cigarette like five, six times. And the first time, I loved it. I woke up the next day, like, you know, I was in a relationship and cheated on my wedding night. I asked the other comedian on the phone, I go, did I do something bad last night? You guys, you mean smoke a cigarette?

right? I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, you didn't just smoke it, you fucked it. You got every, you were just loving it. And then you wanted to light a second one. And then you said, no, no, no, one's good, one's good. I'm like, oh, I really bothered me. But as two or three months went by, I remember going, oh, are you proven that you're not, this is not become a kind of habit. I quit for four months one time, literally just, I was walking out in New York.

I was about to put one in my mouth. I go, fuck this, and I threw the whole pack away, which was $18 because it's in New York. not have any money. And for four months, I just didn't do it. And then I was like, I don't even want one. No cravings, no nothing. And then, yeah, one night, party, drunk, smoked one, been smoking ever since. I don't.

Like, it's so fucking bizarre. Do you smoke? No, the only thing that doesn't suck about me and my body is that I don't have those physical habit issues. And my dad and my brother do. But, like, I smoke cigarettes for a little while and then I put them down. Like, I drink too much, but I have stopped for months at a time. Yeah. Like everything else about me is broken, but that one thing.

What's weird for me with smoking is... Well, my body hates fun. That's why I... Anything that's fun, he can't. But I... And I mean, it's a cliche, but I'm one of those people, and it's true. I can... If I'm not drinking at all, it don't bother me a bit to not have a cigarette.

Like, I don't... Me too. I can do it just fine. I don't crave them or whatever. So one day a week, he doesn't need to smoke. No, no. That's not true. when they're not here, I don't drink out here

unless they're here and I'm doing so. So when we're on the road, we're on tour, yeah, I'm drinking. But when I'm home in California, I'm not drinking. And any time, if I'm not drinking, I don't even want one, but I fucking one drink. The second. One sip. And I want one so fucking bad.

That's what always fucks me when it comes to quitting is that. We were joking, quote unquote, that I can't have fun. But I actually just realized I've had asthma my whole life. That's the other reason. My body really hates fun, actually. That's really what it is. Yeah. But was there some, I think we're, we're, we're at an hour, but I mean, you know, we're hanging out.

I know, you got somebody coming up. Yeah, well, I don't want to force it. It's just, but when we were out there on the way in, you were talking about. Well, Todd's got somebody coming over too. You know, you got to go. I said that. I'm right. If you want to go to like a slow, you know, like where you take your time going, I'm good.

I'm good. The redneck goodbye. Which as you say, it's 25 minutes sometimes. So I say, oh, let's have a comfortable relaxing goodbye. Redneck say goodbye in the house, and then you follow them. Tim Wilson, you have a bit. Then you follow him to the car, and you sit on the hood of the car and tell him by for another hour. And then that person shows back up in 20 minutes going, hey, when they jumper cables?

And then they spend the night. Yeah, because they killed the battery. Yeah, exactly. I love his cigarettes. I love him. But we do a thing where I'm the guy who, well, probably based on a little bit of truth. Like, I usually feel like I can stay up longer than everybody. Most of the time, Blake Wexler once out, I had to go.

I'm tired. And he, if I don't say it every time I say this, and he hears this, he'll go, hey, how about the time? So, there you go, Blake. So, but other than that, I'm usually going out the front door as people are saying, hey, because I want to get some more bits in. So I do this bit with Rory where he goes to the car and I'm like, okay, you know what I'm talking? And he starts driving, like, slowly. But I keep, okay, I'll keep going you. And then he picks it up a little.

And then at one point, he knows the bit is he's going to pull away. And if I try it out, run the car, well, then I'm a moron. He trusts that I will stop. But I give it my fucking heap. As long as I can. Just when he thinks I'm going to give up because he's in the middle. Now, there's one point when he just floors it, and then I give up within three seconds. But I have run so fast.

I go, okay, I'll see you tomorrow. All right, well, good hanging out with you. And he's literally going at a reasonable speed up the road. That's fucking hilarious. And I go, I think I'm, I lately I feel like I want to kill myself. And he rolls up his window. He goes, all right, I'll see you later. And then I'm like giggling in the middle of the street.

And then I call him in the car. I go, are you giggling as hard as me? He goes, yes, yes. Me and Jordan are like, you know what it feels like when someone says, even in a bit I'm going to kill myself and you close the window and you pull off? You're the worst person in the world. Even in a bit, you're like, you feel silly bad. Oh, that's so amazing.

Drew. I'm not trying to make you do it, but we brought it up. Sure, sure. Yeah. Because I don't even know what you're talking about. You said outside. you were talking about why some of the things Trey does, now I have to bring up Morgan Freeman liking you again.

I swear I did not know this was kind of about me when I made him say it. He did not because it was just, he said before, it's about something we talked about before. That's all you knew. We were going back to something just for your audience. I'm here to defend you. Because it seems like I'm true. Talk about me.

Talk about me and Morgan Freeman. Well, that's what. What's your shirt said? Oh, my God. I'm Morgan Friedman's favorite comedy. No, I love that. I'm not picturing you. I love it.

You're all wearing them. Holy shit, they come in all those collars. Morgan Friedman's favorite comedian. I love that. I love that. That's funny. Okay. And I think that some of your jokes on your last special

attest to this. You were talking about standing up for people when you don't have skin in the game. The difference in someone, like, let's just do like the Me Too movement in women's rights. Like a woman saying this is a problem and blah, blah, blah. That has weight, of course, obviously. But you were talking about how...

But as with anything, a man does it better. Scream for who you're not. Because it's very powerful. Because without having skin in the game, it's powerful. Exactly. Because you can yell a little differently. And I don't mean yell at a human being. I have a new thing.

I am trying to be tamer when I'm talking, like, literally like... Well, no, I've always been all right with that. But if I'm having a discussion with someone, if I get to be in the room with somebody that maybe has some different views, than me and you find it out. Even someone at the hotel desk when I was in Bloomington, Indiana, I found out. Who did you yell at? No, no, nothing. The opposite. Because you're not going to, sometimes it's good. If you're polite and you realize you're not going to change their opinion, you get to hear the opposing

view. So I had to ask, you know, a black gentleman that worked at the front desk. You know, he said he voted for Trump. It came out through something that was on television. And I was like, I would have gotten an A plus for the way I handled it. I asked him a few questions. I wasn't trying to change his opinion. I didn't think anything he made sense, made sense with follow-through, but I understood why, and next time I'm talking about it, and someone goes, I don't get it, you know.

But anyway, that's not the point of this, I hope. There's something funny there. But anyway, a black Trump voter, yeah, it's hilarious. But if you scream for what you're not, yeah, you can like, so I'm talking about to a person, no, no, no, no, there's give and take.

But when I call screaming into the air, or if you're talking about something, the void. I call it hollering into the void. Hollering into the void. You can let, I still am not willing to think that that isn't a good time for sometimes to scream. Right. Because I think sometimes, not always, not winning with another person, you got to listen, even if you disagree with everything, they're saying, I get it.

And I'm not great at it, but I want to work on it on a one-on-one conversation. I don't ever, never scream, but, you know, you say, or the way I address maybe people on the podcast sometimes that might do. But I also want to learn how to do that well, but then still have the freedom to, as you say, which I love that phrase, I'm going to steal it, scream into the air. because if you hear when the transgender bathrooms, and that's what some of your rants did for me, but maybe it feels good for a group of people that have just once again,

like that are the, here you have the bravest mother, the bravest people in the world, why they say, motherfucker, take a nice thing and I have to necessarily curse. Is that Philadelphia? Is that what that was? Yeah, just tough, you know, I don't know.

And then they're getting, and then people don't understand it. They don't want to take the time to understand it. Right. And then you turn on a podcast, and maybe you hear me screaming at the top of my lungs, maybe it gives a little of your dignity back. You know what I mean?

Maybe that's not the right word, but maybe it feels like, hey, this guy that's not going through it, he gets it with such anger. That's the type of anger you should have if you're going through it. If you're me, he seems like, and that's what happens when you talk about women's issues.

You know, I try to talk more than I used to. You get put into a hole if it's happening to you and you have too much anger. I mean, it's like a stereotype, the angry black man. or the crazy woman or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, and you have to preface, I don't mean to be, but that's, look, whatever the reason is, and you set it up perfectly, that does not mean that someone of that group can make progress through brilliant speech, you know,

brilliant words and movements and all that stuff, but we're just saying here's where we can help a little extra, and then they'll do it for you if everything works out great. So it's, everybody's doing it, just you pick that group. I'll, so, you know, I just, you know, outside said scream for what you're not, because I was like lately on the truth that was the phrase that you use i really like that scream for what you're not fight for it's like fight for what you're not yeah yeah you can really what what's what's the there's no such thing as somebody else's war jason isbo lyric he's a singer songwriter there's no such thing as someone else's war there's no such thing as someone else's war scream for what you're not

that's your phrase that i try i like that you know that's that's i love any i like i like uh to those those type of phrases i love them because sometimes i'll try to say something it takes me an hour and then someone will say an old phrase. I'll be like, oh, that just said. Well, Jason Isbell is very good for that type of thing. If you all know him, you should check him out. What's his name again? I-S-B-E-L-L-J-N-I-L-Jason Isbel. He's from Alabama. He's a

singer-songwriter. I mean, he is, in my opinion, our generation's literally greatest songwriter. Without a doubt. He's phenomenal. He just won a Grammy recently stuff. Anyway, yeah. You maybe think of that lyric, but I think with me

there's another part of it for people and I've had people tell me this is that it's like it's not just someone who isn't them screaming in their defense or screaming for them or whatever it's what you would typically think is a villain basically or like you know what I mean like somebody that is directly opposed to them usually and what I mean is you know fucking redneck or somebody with a southern accent they expect

They expect a southern accent calling them a queer or a freak or fag or whatever And so That adds another element That's probably why coal miners Yeah believe me I it was cathartic Is that the right word?

You know And also you can speak to Like when you call those people out That have some of those views on their bullshit You don't have to go Oh I used to live it You go no no it's my Christmas Right yeah

I know that world Right Yeah I'm one step ahead of you I know that world Yeah So okay? So don't think I'm guessing what it's like over there. And don't think how to he find out how we live. I live that world. Okay. So when I tell you, that's what the American flag,

weren't you saying with the bikini? And like, you know, it's like, you know, people think they try. They really don't think you can't get caught in an opinion. But the problem is people think their opinions are gross sometimes subconsciously, like when you're getting out of a relationship with someone. And you think the real reason would make you look horrible. So we've all done it. You make up a reason. The problem with that, when someone addresses those reasons, if you weren't being honest about those reasons, it's not going to change your fucking opinion.

And I'm learning how much that has to do in social issues. So even if you're addressing them cleanly, if you say, I don't want to be with you because you want to live in Florida. And you're being honest. And they say, I don't have to live in Florida. Things are going to drastically change because they just answered a question. But if it's another reason, here they're a true. So I see when people get clean answers to their questions and I realize, oh, look,

I'm not positive, but the expression is reasonable doubt. That's why they put it in there. So do I have doubt? Yes. Reasonable doubt? No. As the shit degree that I have, a five and time therapy, I can think of six issues I apply this to. And a calm point of view, you're not being honest. And before you say you're not, what's the worst thing if you slept on that? I bet without me barking, you could lead back to really, it's not you can't say Merry Christmas anymore. It's not the gun law. The gun law is people that got tired. All to me of like, you know, just. just one last thing. It's like there's a black president for eight years. And now I'm supposed to be nice to trans. The fuck, they, from their heart, though, they think they're right. And they think the world is falling apart.

And it's fucking angering them. I get it. You don't have to be right to get into their head. They are scared and they are angry and they know they're right. And then the gun, it's like, now it's, so it's not about the gun. That's why when people say clean things that make sense, you have to tell me what it's about for real. I'll listen

and then we can have a discussion but until then I'm not being flippant I can think of six issues like that like no no no I'm not going to discuss it with you you're not being honest what you're mad about come on you know that was my favorite part of it I have to be nice to tray again

god damn it I watched it again the other day the transgender it popped up it was a memory or I don't know anyway I watched it my favorite line was you go stop being a pussy and say what you mean and it's like yeah that's Pat and Oswald.

Yeah. That great bit. Because it's like if you just say, look, I think two, I get it. It's the relationship thing. It makes sense. You're smart enough to know that you're maybe, you're not with the norm. And if you go two gay guys kissing, two guys kissing, I guess they're always gay. It's just gross.

It's just, I'm sorry. It's just fucking gross. Well, Pat and Oswald's basically going, thank you. Right. Now we can have a conversation. Because I think when someone thinks they, if they said it was gross, it'd blow up because now, no, I get why you think so because you called it gross. But at least you're being honest. Thank you. Thank you for not saying the Bible. Someone just said two guys kissing

are gross and then they're not quoting the Bible and I want to hug them. Hug them. That's how much I'm really being. We're not even on the same page, but you're being honest and a conversation can start. Yeah. You know, but I don't, I'm losing my patience. Some days, I'm calm. Other days I'm tired of the whole like, the kids thing. Like, I'm going to I'm going to blow my brains out if I have to

defend. And I've been, talk about scream for what you're not. I've been, people get tired of hearing it. Sometimes like, maybe it's my paranoia. But I go, well, you know what? It's too destructive to our world to not somebody scream at the top of their lungs about it all the time. Like, when anybody that wants to correct kids, here's the way I feel about it. Because I'm not saying they're

perfect. I'm defending them as an as an entity of a huge group of people overwhelmingly moving forward in a good way. It's not bad that our kids ended up smarter than us. That's a good thing. We should be jumping up and down about something, but our own ego won't get out of our own way to go, it's good, they're smarter. Am I crazy?

No one sees that but me that if you shut the fuck up and you're completely wrong and they are smarter, that's not bad news unless you like being right. If all you want to do is be right, then that's not good news because you'd be dead wrong. Do you mind being dead wrong? Anybody that kids thinks you. And when I say wrong, I mean completely fucking fucking fucking wrong. Any criticism of children today, any criticism of them, criticizing them, even if it's right, you don't need to be doing it.

They need to be defended. It would be like if somebody was attacking somebody and the other person said, you know, I don't got any money. And someone said, it's not God. Well, they don't need to be corrected right now, even though you were technically right on their grammar. kids don't eat whatever whatever nuance you found that well here's the problem with them first of all I disagree and I can prove

you wrong but the quicker path is to go I don't give a fuck right I don't give a fuck if you're right even if you tell me something I go wow that is a nuance I don't give a fuck they don't need to hear you credit just all they need is to be defended that they're brilliant God damn you

fucking right hell yeah and by the way you know the thing about that is they don't even it's not them being the dicks like with music of most old people you know, there's no good music anymore. But kids, not only do they like the new music, because they're aware of it, because they're going out to see new bands play. That's why anybody that says there's no good music anymore,

not my opinion, and I'm not being flippant. You just know one thing about that. Oh, they don't go out to see new music. How do you know that? You don't know me. Oh, I just know if you went out to see music a lot, someone that really wants to know about music and went to see the new bands and the five bands that open for them,

you wouldn't say that. Not even in the gray area. You see the smile on my face? That's how I know. You know nothing about music. So, but the kids like the new music and they like the old music. They're not mad at you. Right.

They're not mad at you. They're like, oh, people go, you know, this band's great. You like him. You should listen to this band from the 60s because if you like this band, you'd like that band. They do it backwards. They're not mad. They're not going, oh, old music all sucks. They find the best of it and they love it.

They even embrace records and tapes. Who's the smarter one? So, yeah. They even embrace, they go back with, with tape. They're not spitting on the past. You're spitting on the future. Any old person. I totally agree with you and you're right,

but the way you talk about how the younger generations all throughout history have always been right, basically. Like, you know, they are proven right ultimately by the March of Progress and all that. Well, kind of in that same vein, again, I agree with everything you're saying, but I kind of think that the older generation thinking the younger one ain't worth a fuck is also just timeless. Well, no, that it's like it's always, there's some, I saw, and you know, it's probably one of those fucking Abraham Lincoln quotes on the, about the internet, you know what I mean, like clearly fake. I don't know. But I've seen some quote pop up a few times that's basically just that.

It's a quote about these kids today. That's what it amounts to. But it's a quote from like fucking Socrates or something. Right. You know, from like antiquity. I could find it. The World War II generation, their parents fucking hated them and they're considered the greatest of all time. When we used to try and write bits over the phone, we talked about this.

being a bit. I was trying to work out the idea of like this keeps happening and I might go back to it. I haven't thought of it in a long time but like the idea that I think it's important. I think your parents or your older brother being like your music sucks I kind of think that helps though in the long run. Is it like motivates them you think? Well and like they need to feel like their outsiders are different or that no one understands them because they'll make better music.

You know how that helps though? It helps like like you know, maybe boxing back then for some people that were on the streets and they found the channel their anger and the boxing. But we can move on from that and just be honest with our feelings instead of having to have some bullshit fake rivalry. Believe me, if you learn about music, you'll still have plenty to disagree about. Oh, no, but you'll at least disagree about it because you know what you're talking about. Well, yeah, that's true. There's one thing of two people that both know about music. There's plenty of disagreements. But I don't need to engage in a group of older people that's saying there's no good music purely because they're scared shitless of

dying and they want to make pretend that they were born at the perfect. time. Life gets better after you leave. Okay, boo-hoo, get over it. We're all scared of dying. Life gets better when you're gone. We always need to do a shit more. I get it. But look, we do get better. Kids, even the dumbest kids today are more open-minded than they were 50 years ago. Without a doubt. We talked about it on the podcast last week. Sorry. But like, these kids who were, you know, trying to fight for gun reform, they sincerely give me hope. Like, they sincerely make this presidency and this time that we're in that I don't personally like it all. I feel lighter now. I hate that fucking tragedy. I know exactly what you mean.

But I'm like, oh, God. They got it. And look at them. I'm about to tear up. It's unbelievable. Me too. I cry when I watch it. And by the way, if that was isolated incidences,

then not interesting to talk about, but more of a head. That could be a movie. No, it's life. They represent that through and through. And it's like, you know, I think it's a fact. I do think it's a fact. I think, look, we agree that the world is round.

flat and all that stuff. There's some things we just come to, you think, really, are you going to throw this into that category? I'll leave even, and I have very staunch opinions about hitting kids and not hitting kids. I'd believe in no hitting at all. But I'll even leave that on the table for a little while that we still have to dissect it so we bring everybody with us and respect that some people think proper spanking. I don't even, and believe me, I really know, I know they're wrong and I'm not going to change in my opinion, but I leave it on the table. It still has to be discussion. But kids are getting smarter. I'm about ready to put that in there. No. If you don't think it's true, you're not looking at the stats.

You're not baseness. You can't look at the stats. It's objective. And then read it. It was up on a board and it was 50 things and they fought for this. They fought for that. They fought for that. And then go, okay, so now for a million dollars are they probably right now?

And I love the million dollar fake thing. Because if I had a million dollars, I'd have a fucking blast with it. Because you get people out of their own way to win money. So at that point, someone wants to win fucking money. They'll admit they were broke. So they'll be like, okay, look at all those stats. So do you think? They're probably right now.

Yeah. By what? By discussing the issue at hand? Not even by discussing the issue at hand. Just by pure stats. You see, we go, how do you know this? Don't you have to discuss what they're debating? You should, and I will, but without even knowing.

What do I know about them? I know it's 50 young people and they all feel the same way. And here's what I might lose a lot of people. If everyone's with me up to now, that means almost with doing no research on Bernie Sanders. As right as you can be, they were probably right. And I think it's because he was empathetic. And he loved everybody on the planet. When you treat everybody equal, maybe the word would have been like years from now in an elementary school class or high school class. Well, how did this Bernie Sanders? You know, because the world has stories where we get better. We have to, you know, there's the happy

times. And they go, well, it was 2018 and no one thought because he didn't really know this or that. But the one thing he did do is he cared about people. He had everybody's best interest, whoever they were. So the financial problems ended up working out because it ends up when you treat everybody equally. They're healthier, they feel better, people don't feel depressed as much

because there's someone, the leader of the free world that has everybody's best interest at hand, and that's what happened with Bernie Sanders. So the kids are right, and you know, almost, I'll be a dick. You almost can't argue it unless you're like, I don't use stats to argue. I'm not even being flipping.

If you say you use stats, and you don't want to sort of go on a leap and go, no, I know he's great, But if you can't get out of your own way to go, fuck, am I that wrong? Because they adored him. Now, if they're still right, they were fucking right. So Paul Anka.

Not even up for debate in a weird way. Because what you have to do is like everybody wants to discuss it. See, you want to discuss it or whoever, you know, you want to use my, you guys might disagree with me. I'm sure there's listeners that do. Because they want to discuss, well, his foreign policy. I go, no, no, that's not where I'm drawing. I'm drawing from their history.

Right. And I think that just cleared it up. at least for me extra. People go, oh, okay. Wow. It makes you go get out of what you're putting together in front of you now. I found that. It is Socrates.

So it's a quote from Socrates. The children, and I texted you this, the children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority. They show disrespect to their elders. And they love chatter in the place of exercise. So it's just, you know, it seems.

Socrates, you know, bitching about these kids today. fucking how you know thousands of years ago or whatever talking shit about ASOP no yeah no he was saying making fun of that that it's not true or is he saying

no no no he was complaining about the youth the point is all I'm saying is right that's the way it's always been and you know it's just one of those things but again I agree with you though that that doesn't make it fucking correct but I'm saying it's just always been

a thing except you go you think oh I always go back to the 50s you know I always think oh in the 50s but yeah they have hated the hippies and shit back that like in the but their music does suck huh? Who's? I'm just fucking wait all right

It is funny though To me this does you mentioned it so that the hippies that you think well you're concentrating on the wrong thing because that's sort of what I'm saying right now. You're concentrating if you have a problem with that or their phones hippies they made fun of their long hair not the fact that they were being respectful to the planet

and thought of this for it yeah they couldn't get past their long hair I never fucking want to be that person because you're going to if you can't get past their long hair that that's just should be a phrase get past the long hair because there's long hair things going in front of us right now absolutely you want to how do you want to look back on it you want to look back on a hippie and you made fun of their hair oh my god that's the you're wasted your time on this planet they were doing brilliant things and gave a shit about the planet you couldn't get by their hair but can you do anything about those people you're talking about shoot them scared and you mentioned it the fear of death and hateful and just like there's people who go who are on the fence I mean there's great people out there who if you said

just give some music a chance and then maybe they will but there's other people who just they just don't want anything to change they don't want anything to affect their life period negatively or positively just shut the fuck up I think that's most I think that is really most of it is it's like it's a natural human instinct

this is what I know this is what I like to be a verse to change right that's just like you know that's a natural thing you have to fight to kind of overcome that at least most people do and I think that really is what that whole dynamic is about like ultimately it's just people not you know not liking change being afraid of change I say with my phone I get it when the new thing comes along but when it comes to some human beings digity for sure absolutely if you want to keep your own phone I get it right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I get it it's a pain in the ass to grow but it's not what that's a fucking that's a great

note to close up on that. Like you're telling your uncle or something like, look, you can keep your flip phone, but you have to stop saying the F word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt this way. I felt this way always. Like, literally, my friend, Eric, reminded me 20 years ago in this pilot we had that it was, I was in a comb and people

told stories about me. And I don't even remember what the scene was, but I was saying this, I go, because this is when I get angry. I have a right to ask for consistency. And it seems a little greedy to go, you want all the things of a forward-thinking society except growing when it comes to social issues.

In other words, if somebody said, you know what, I just want to go back, and I know that you see this joke coming from a mile away, but I fantasize it. I fantasize a million things, like someone that says that, you go, okay, give me your pills.

Oh, no, no, I want them. Oh, see, if they said, yeah, I don't want my pill, I don't want my fuel-injected car, but when you go, what about the fuel-injector car? Do you want that? Yes, I want that.

What about your medicine that you get that makes you be able to live? Yes, I want that. What about the heating you have in your habit? about yes I want that and then they go oh what about changing some of your views so other people can breathe easier I fuck you

now you want to have your old views give me your medicine back I fantasize taking a pill out of an old person that won't change so does corn medicine you look like a greedy pig we talked about that a lot about just like people romanticizing the past when it's like man fuck the past you know like they're like because of all the shit you just said

like you know what old I'm repeating myself but what the fuck and I know we have to go for a close. But old people, just so I feel like I'll rest better when I think of this conversation we had. Of course they have stuff to offer. And on top of knowledge, of course, but wisdom. But the problem

is, the wisdom that they have to offer, maybe some kids won't take it because when they're dead right, you're telling them they're wrong. So, they know they're right. By the way, they're not wrong to know the right. They know they're right. You know what it's like to know you're right? Have you ever known you're right? It's funny that you point at Drew

when you ask how he knows. mature way. I mean, like, kids are not wrong to go, no, we know what, it makes sense to them because knowledge is education. The more knowledge you have, the more, the more you make right to sit, you know, knowledge. So they're knowledgeable, and then you're telling them they're dead wrong, and they're like,

well, how much wisdom could this person have? Right. And that's why, if you don't grow as a performer, you can make a living. I don't want anyone to find a loophole in this. You could absolutely make a living and not grow as a performer. Nip and tuck your verbiage. Things change. We reference people differently. If you don't want to grow,

with that, people pay to be, I think in a lot of ways, indirectly, spiritually influenced. And a band can't, if a band's up on stage, and I like them, and they're saying, look, my opinion, and they go, eh, you know, that's retarded. Oh, you can't make me, you can't enlighten me. So you can't, and kids aren't going to like you as an old performer. Right.

Because if they know, well, I'm more enlightened than this guy. Right. And then they lose you. So even, it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. They don't, they don't, they don't, they don't, Once you're not enlightened, once you won't grow as a performer, you're through. Because let's face it, everybody, I don't do it for reasons of keeping a younger audience, or it would be gross. But I am aware that being a, it makes me end up meeting a lot of nice people on the road.

Right. That makes any sense. I was not to say the only thing grosser to me than the people who refuse to grow in the sense that you're talking about are the people who fake that because of what you're talking about. Because they know they'll get a young, you know what I mean? Like that's certain. And like that, it's almost. like false prophecy or something you know what i mean yeah i'm sure that i'm sure that's why i preface that because i'm like obviously you know i'm aware that book for from from touring but i'm done i should end it on that man why don't you end right there where i said uh that thing you said a great thing

yeah we'll cut that back i'll just repeat i'll put it on loop todd thank you thank you so much i appreciate it all right see you all this time skew thank you all for listening to the well red show we'd love to stick around longer but we got to go tune in next week if you You got nothing to do. Thank you, God. Bless you, good night, and skew.