wellRED podcast - #6 - Mormons Playing Basketball... and LAUREN MURPHY!!

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

After an upbringing and young adulthood in rural Alaska that could generously be described as "some Story of Job shit", Lauren Murphy found herself hopelessly addicted to drugs and near the end of her rope. She had taken just about as many punches from Life as she could take.So she decided to punch back.Now Lauren is a happily married mom and professional MMA fighter in the UFC with a record of 9 wins and 3 losses, and, far more importantly, she's clean and has been for years. If her story doesn't move you, then you are probably dead. And not just regular old "oh I'm dead inside" type dead, but literally dead.We met Lauren at The MMA Lab in Phoenix where she taught us how to kick and punch (badly, but that's not her fault) and then we sat down at the Phoenix House of Comedy to talk about fighting. Fighting addiction, fighting your demons, fighting for your life, etc. (We talk about actual fighting too.)Before the interview, you'll hear a conversation the three of us had on Saturday at the Golden Spike Comedy Festival in Salt Lake City. Being in the heart of Mormon World had religion on our mind, so be ready for some blasphemy in this un.Enjoy!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. And it's called Rocket.

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They're the... What's up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in to the well-read podcast. Just as a reminder, this episode and all episodes are brought to you by our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto Dragon Dixie Out of the Dark. You can pick that up on our website, well-read comedy.com, which is spelled just like the podcast, W-E-L-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com, or wherever

books are sold, it's everywhere. We're super proud of it. Thanks to everyone that's already picked up a copy. But you guys can buy another one too. And like I always say, give it to your papal or your daddy. I'm sure they'd really, really appreciate, you know, hearing all this. So anyways, thank you guys for tuning in. Thank you for subscribing. If you're just listening, it subscribe going on and subscribe so you can get notified when we do other episodes and if you like it leave us a review we really do appreciate that and we hope y'all enjoy the episode thank you guys so much well well you know just read okay red uh and soup no i didn't eat like i said so i got here at like 1 30 and an hour grubbing it took literally like an hour and a half something i didn't

eat until like fucking three or something you know that was it well actually no it kind of hits because that's sort of perfectly right in the window i mean i was pissed about it at the time but that does remind me well i mean are we recording right now sure okay i mean i thought so and i know i figured i got you by surprise i know i just ruined it but uh speaking of ruining and that running which i did earlier uh we didn't do hell have we skipped it twice now or just last week. I have a bad feeling that if we do this,

we're going to end up forgetting to plug these dates. So let's just go ahead and get these dates. I thought we did the dates mass at the end. We did the dates mess at the end? Next time, instead of asking him, just read the dates. Oh, good call. I'm reading the goddamn dates. All right.

So tonight, obviously, well, this ain't going to come out. Then this comes out Wednesday, March the fuck. March the fuck. Wednesday, March the fuck. March 18th, we're going to be in the odds of, Fuck. March 18th, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, March 31st, Oxford, Mississippi, April 1st, Bentonville, Arkansas, and April 2nd, Bentonville, Arkansas. April 13th, there's a couple tickets left.

We're going to be back at Largo, which we were at last night, March the 9th, and that was sweet. April 21st, Brooklyn, New York, April 22nd, Providence, Rhode Island, April 23rd, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Then we have our website, well-read comedy.com. You got Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Indianapolis, Columbus, Ohio, Dayton, Ohio, Liberty Township, Ohio, Virginia Beach, Huntsville, Alabama. So we've got a lot of stuff coming up. She's got to our website, well-read comedy.com, spelled just like this podcast, and get tickets and all sorts of cool stuff. Yeah. Beware.

So. The eyes of fuck. The, yeah, this week and running, I ain't really rurned this week, because I've been runned. guts has been burnt. When the last segment we recorded, which is since already aired, I was talking about getting back from Mexico, and it had not, I mean, it had, but I didn't talk, I didn't really talk about it, but it hadn't yet fully set in on me, but I got some kind of, you know, Montezuma's revenge or some shit down there.

I don't know, but this whole fucking week I have felt worse intestantly than I have that a long time, so I ain't been able to run. What about you boys? What was that really was, Manasuma's revenge? That's the best ticket. People were eradicated and they just fucking up some guts. Makes white people poop. That's better than most.

The disease we gave them, wiped them out in the blanket for them. The disease they gave us, well, we shipped for two weeks. I was about to say, like, I mean, that's better than most dead people manage, you know. Like, I mean, trust me, it don't hit. Like, if he managed to pull off an actual curse on white people that lasted for thousands of years, even if it is just runny poops. Like, I mean, hats off to Monizuma.

Yeah. Well, I've learned today. Me and Drew got in at how damn what, like nine in the morning. We're in Salt Lake City, Utah, by the way. That's where we're at right now. In a hotel in the courtyard Marriott downtown, it's literally the three of us and 275 prepubescent girls who are here for a apparently,

a fucking cheerleading championship. And all their brothers. Funny to me, but all their brothers are also here riding those goddamn hoverboards into the walls, so I haven't been able to sleep all fucking day. It's so loud, dude. And no one on earth knows how to fucking drive them.

They decorated the doors. I mean, all these kids are so wild. And they're unescapable. No, the hoverboards don't make any noise because they float. I'm just saying people on them because it was like, oh, I hear you. Yeah, it was a joke. ain't hoverboards.

They're just scooters. That's always bothered me that whoever decided to call those hoverboards like was allowed to get away with it. You know what I mean? That's such bullshit. Yeah. There's not fucking hoverboards. It's just like when they call Jason out of Dean country music.

It's pissing me off. It is similar. Anyway, Corey, you reigned. Go ahead. I did run. So we got in early this morning. But like, we've only been in Los Angeles a couple days. Like, as soon as we got in, even though it was like 9 o'clock, my body was still

on lunch. So we went to a Mexican place. Drew did the right thing, got, you know, Wave us, ran charles. We literally got the exact same thing. I just had eggs in mine. Because, like, all American Mexican food. American Mexican food. So we ate cacidas and beans and chips.

And then literally, I don't know, an hour and a half, two hours later, I realized, oh, shit, I'm probably not going to eat. Because I don't like to eat right before the shows. And I need that I've got that flight. And I'm not going to, it's all. I'm on a red eye tonight going back home. So I went to the goddamn hotel lobby and got two, now two personal stofers macaroni and cheese. Is there a family stofers macaroni?

Oh, yeah. I've gone in on one of them. Shit. And they sell them out of hotels? No, no. No, not usually. No, otherwise I wouldn't have got two single-served fucking stoferes. You know I guess it, baby.

I know you do. And now I feel like shit. I hate that. They didn't have a lasagna down there? They didn't. They just had that and fucking, you know, their chicken breast thing. Fuck that. Don't hit.

Their lasagna's hit, the personal ones. I mean, Macon, cheese is, too. It's real hard to fuck up a lasagna. I mean, I tend to agree. Even, y'all damn, even like chef boy R.D. Like canned lasagna soup, basically, or whatever. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds tasty. You've not, like, Chef Boy R.D, they got all the different varieties.

One of them just says lasagna. But, I mean, it's... It's in a can. It's the same as all the rest of the rest of. of their shit. Yeah, well, that's the other thing about American Italian food. It also is all the same. And it helps. Not quite as much as Mexican.

No, that's true. You got white and red. You also got, like, all oil and garlic with butter. You got cheese and tomato in the Mexican world. Yeah, I mean, he's not wrong. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. I mean, black bean, brown bean. You know, it's...

What's that? Analogous to. Well, like, the reds and the white. It's like there's two. Those are different options. Like, it's basically just getting black beans on your bread. Foodies. Any foodies listen to this right now? Well, I'm talking about American, like, more down versions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The shitty versions. Yeah, well, like, we did Mexico a goddamn favor with what we did.

To their food. Monizuma can suck my dick. We did a great job. Yeah, yeah, dude. That liquid cheese, that had to be us. This is about to be. had good Mexican food? Yes, I have, but like...

I had some in Arizona. Dude, I was about to say, like, this is about to be blasphemous to a lot of people, but, like, and my friend Talia, who's one of them New Mexicans, she grew up in New Mexico her whole life, she has corroborated this

for my... I mean, it's different. It's not crazy different like real Chinese food and Americanized Chinese food is. It's not that fucking far off. Neither is Italian. I know, but I'm saying, like, the Chinese shit, that's honestly, that's its own fun. That's not even remotely

the same deal. They got here for like two weeks. After two weeks, they were like, well, they won't eat oxford. But as I said, I was just in Mexico and I live in Southern California now, so I mean, I fucked with some authentic shit pretty heavily and it's not. You'd be having the steak, it's better. It's better, but it's not

that much different. What is this now? A spit-fired steak? It's like a Mexican cowboy type style. I've heard of this. Brazilian. It's like a Brazilian-style. Oh, yeah. But Mexican do it too. Okay. Where they shave it off on the thing.

That's the difference. That's also, that is like, and I guess a lot of cultures have a version of that, but there's like a Middle Eastern cuisine that it's like Donner. Yeah, Donor Cabob. Yeah. They put meat on a fucking stick that they shave off. That's like mushy. And in Brazilian, they cut it.

And I think what you're talking about, like those Brazilian steakhouses, the place I went to in Arizona. They cooked it that way, but they just brought you the steak. They just cooked it spitfire. Buddy. I guarantee it. Well, I feel about me. Me and Corey roared.

You didn't know about this after, uh, what do we do not night before last? You're talking about when we fucked that into the out to death after we went to, uh, podcast. Yeah, we went to our buddy, Big Earl's house and podcasted with him. That interview will come out later and we did Wheeler too. and then me and Corey went by the in and out. Yeah. And we got two double doubles. And then this dude here ordered another one.

We order our burgers and he goes, hey, and then also another one. And they're like, which one? And he goes, exactly. Don't forget we got the animal prize. You got a animal prize. I was at to ask if you got the prize again because their fries don't. I mean, animal style makes them palatable. That's why they're not.

They're still not good. To me, that's why I was. It was one in the morning. So it was four on my body. I was hungry, and I wanted carbs. I mean, I'm fucking worship at the altar of in and out. I'm just saying that fries specifically don't really hit. But burgers, though, shit.

I still feel the same way, but again, slathering all that mess. It was born in the morning. And I had just drank 17 PBRs or some shit. So it was pretty fucking good. Corey and I, the night before that, you, maybe you're just hanging out of your family. Maybe it had something to do. No, I went home to the same.

Throw up and die. You had Montezuma style. Corey and I ate sushi. I've never gotten full on sushi at a place. I did for the first time in my life. I took it home with us, and then when I got to the hotel, I was like, I'm not saving that, so I ate the rest of it. Nice. Yeah, I also weren't on sushi.

I've told y'all this before, but I don't think I've ever brought it up on here. The only time I've ever foundered on sushi was the very first time I ever had it, which was on a cruise ship. and also got extremely drunk that night and I woke up in the middle of the night seasick, drunk sick, and fish sick all the same time. And I didn't fuck with sushi for about two years after that. I eat it

now, but like, I attribute that to why I've never been a huge sushi guys for that. Because that first night, I ate so much of it because I was like, this is the best fucking thing I've ever tasted in my life. I've never had it before. And that was Hiroshima's revenge.

And I wasn't I said that. Yeah, there again, not exactly, what's the fucking word? It doesn't line up. Yes. It's not exactly fairly weighted, I guess. Yeah, we still get the dub you on that one. Yeah, he was Seema still taking a hell. Shoo.

Like, we weren't alluding to that. Of course, I know, I'm shoo in the whole conversation. Yeah. Hey Who's on this episode? I just I wanted to talk to I've been trying to

I texted y'all I wanted to talk to you all before we even started and I've been texting Yeah Or right I don't Whatever we'll figure it out

I mean we should talk about it though Obviously We'll figure it out during this We could add another We could just throw another Hitter session in there When? I'm saying now

No yeah That'll work I mean we don't have have to, but we don't not have to either. Oh, what do you mean? Like, we should talk about the news? No, I mean, just all I meant was just another one was just us. Oh, yeah, that'll hit.

That will hit. It will hit, except we don't have the amount of time we would probably do that. Oh, you're right. We don't have the amount of time. So let's do Lauren Murphy. Okay, Lauren Murphy. And we were in Phoenix, Arizona. Mm-hmm.

That was, you know what's funny about that, and I think we told her this. I don't remember, but. so Lauren's an MMA fighter and she had invited us to come work out at her the gym that she works out at where a bunch of MMA fighters including like five or six

UFC fighters like pros work out at and we accepted but then we got to Phoenix and we're supposed to be there like well like one or two or something like that and we landed at like nine or ten in the morning and we spent that entire time between nine or ten and one when we were supposed to be

They're just bitching. Like, why did we agree to do this? We're comedians. We don't, this is stupid. What are we going to go over here and do? Like, let's just go to the hotel and rur and die. When Tray says we, he's looking and talking about Corey. I was not, I was like ready to do it.

Yeah, you were. You were more on board for sure. Until me and Corey went to that stupid themed restaurant. I was going to say, I remember you being like, you know, just not as lazy about it as us, but still just like, I don't want to fuck with this.

What? That totally picked up. I farted. What themed restaurant? Oh, Hilted. Kilt. Yeah, the Scottish Hooters. Scottish Hooters. Yeah, tetties and mash. Oh, man. Yeah, I remember.

I slept in the car. And that did not hit. So if the C is listening, y'all you owe us free coupons but point is we went though because we're upstanding you know gentlemen who keep our commitments

always we are none of those things do not do that's because Lauren was coming to the show that night and would beat the fuck out of us if we didn't but we went and it actually was a whole lot of fucking fun and I'm super glad that we did it

it was very cool we fucking they taped our hands up they gave us like a boxing tutorial on the heavy bags and shit and then we spar not really sparred what you know the I mean the hand the hand what the fuck are those called

wraps no like the things they had the mats the pads on the hands they're maxy pads it's not I know we you're talking about we we jabbed a little bit in it yeah Lauren and her husband got in there with us with these pads on their hands and they like yelled out combinations

and stuff and we like and we moved around the ring throwing punches and kicks and shit and breathing real heavy I mean, yeah, I about fell out. Have y'all exercised since then? Hell no. I went for one run. It was hilarious.

Why is that? Because of how little actual running was involved and how short the run was. And I got back and did like bicep curls and quit. And I've done that one time. I did an elliptical yesterday for 10 minutes. It took me that long to do a mile. And then I did some like, I don't know, machine workout at the, at the hotel room.

One is we wrong, we live wrong. Yeah, we do. We do live wrong. Lauren is, uh, she, her story is supremely interesting. She grew up in fucking Alaska, which is actually a fairly red-ass place. Turns out, I wasn't surprised to hear that. No, not at all. But, uh, you'd have to be.

Right. You gotta be a hippie or red. I bet there's some red ass hippies up there. Probably. Yeah. I'll go hang out with them. Yeah. Yeah, I bet Alaska's pretty.

pretty fucking sweet. You know, you know, redneck hippie, that's also a thing. And my best friend in the world is redneck hippie. My wife's a redneck hippie.

Shout out to Dusty Bear. I've never heard you say that. Maybe twice. And every time you say his first name, I'm like, who the fuck is that? Thompson. I also feel the same way.

I'm like, Dustin. Yeah, I know. Yeah, no one calls him that except like his wife. He's got a son in his name. Thompson.

Thompson. No, but yeah, he's a red-ass hippie. Anyway, Lauren grew up up there, had pretty rough life. She got hooked on to peels. You'll hear her hear all about that. And then she turned her life around and got into MMA, which she credits was saving her life, and we talk about all that shit.

It's just super... Very, very inspiring. Just because she got into it late in the game, and I don't know if you feel it this way, but, like, we kind of got, and you and I got in comedy a little late in the game. And I don't know if you had this as much as I did, but, like, there was a little bit of me that was like,

God, man. You know, if you don't make it by the time you're 30, 35, then you've got to be the old dude trying to make it or whatever. She even had less than that, though. You know, I mean, there is no old person making it. So in that, you can't. That's what I'm saying. Like in a super, you know, athletic endeavor like that,

you literally have a ticking clock. That's what I'm saying. It's inspiring to me that she went from novice who was super athletic to hone professional. And, you know, I don't remember the three or four years. Not that long. It wasn't that long. But let's talk about that a little bit. Talk about what?

Us getting into the game late because, like, I did feel that way. I kind of feel like, though, with comedians, it's usually one of two things. I feel like you're either like Corey and you start when you're fucking 16 to 18 or like super early. Or it's around about the time that me and you started. Which is like early to mid, early to mid, 20. I completely agree. I feel like we nailed it in terms of, if I had to wait in another two or three years, I'd have been like fuck.

Like, if I'd waited two or three more years at year three when I realized what it was going to take and how difficult and annoying it was going to be, I'd have been like, fuck that. Yeah, I'm lucky to do that shit. Dude, my first, hell, like, most of the first part of my career, my frontal lobe I didn't even develop yet, so I couldn't know how stupid as fuck I was. You got to develop frontal load, do you reckon now? Yeah, wouldn't that happen? Okay. That's exciting.

You write it was even less than it is now. But that's true. 25 years out is when you're fully, you're a young man. I think it's 22 for women. So I have thought. I've thought a lot before about, and I think we've talked about this, but I believe that's one of the 85% of our conversations that's forever committed to the ether because we was drunk. Committed to the aether means we don't know.

We don't remember it. So I used to think, man, why did I wait until I was 24 to do this? really fucked up. I wish I was already, you know, six years in now. But then I would almost immediately after that think, like, dude, if I would have started this shit when I was 18, I mean, A, I would have been terrible, but everybody's terrible when they start, no matter how old you are. But like, I'd have been even more terrible. And I wouldn't have had anything to talk about. It wouldn't. I would have sucked. And who knows, I might even end up quitting because it wouldn't have went well. And I was like, fucking. Fuck it. It's fine. And I mean, obviously,

it's working out for you now, but you spent a... long time. Yeah. So how do you feel about that? Do you think? Well, right now I'm saying that number, but I don't know. Do you want to tell you what we think about you before you answers? If you want to.

I don't care. I do think you were very funny, very young, and that made older comics be interested in you and want to help you. And I think their hearts, most of them, were in the right place. But I think it also shaped you in a way, which, you know, now it's fine. who cares, but, like, you're very different than when I first saw you get on stage. Oh, yeah, without a doubt. And I'm just better.

I don't think I'm that different. Do you know what I mean? Because at 25, I was close to who I am. Sure, and I wasn't even remotely who the fuck I am. Yeah. Right. I think that, too, all the time. And, like, so I don't, like, I don't have any regrets in common.

Like, yeah. But this is one of those, like, this is one of those hindsight. Jenny, Shasta, Jody, let me. But in comedy now. Yeah. Well, this is one of those, like, you go, all right, well, I would say I had this regret, but if it wasn't for that, Corey has a tattoo of four girls' initials on his ass.

I don't regret that at all. I don't blame you. But, like, if I hadn't had to, I look at back all these stupid things. I meant if I'd have done this, I'd have been here. If I'd have been here, I'd been here. But if I had done that then, I wouldn't be here now, probably, with a lot of these decisions that I could have made. What did you just say? When you look at here, this is where.

We know if I done that one. I know. there's a lot of things that when I was doing comedy, I know I fucked up on like, man, if you did not be in a dumb little kid then and you'd have made this decision, maybe you could have gotten that show. That's funny.

It is funny. All right. Well, so this is Raven. You're probably confused right now because what we're saying now makes no sense in comparison to what we were saying literally three seconds ago. Well, you're right.

That's pretty consistent. That's par for. the course, but what had happened was our recorder just stopped recording the SD card filled up and we didn't know it and we sat here and talked for another 25, 30 minutes

easy, about we actually solved all the world's problems. And then realized that we had just been not recording the entire time. So this is now, you just skipped ahead about 45 minutes in time is what just happened. That solution that we had to all the problems of Trump's creation.

I forgot it. I don't remember. We'll just have to move on. So, oh, well. Anyway, Bones. Me and Gore,

we had to refrived variety earlier. We already did that segment. We did do that segment. We did get into Vernon. And then, we are in Salt Lake City. It is gorgeous.

We are surrounded by mountains. Yeah, we were just talking about that downstairs. I've never been to Salt Lake City. I've never been to Utah. I got off, I got off the plane.

I wasn't with you guys. I got off the plane. got in a taxi immediately got on my phone like the fucking, you know, big shot asshole that I think I am. And I'm just back there buried in my phone for the first five minutes. And I finally look up and I was like, holy shit. The fucking view here is unreal. All the mountains like completely, almost completely surrounding the city or whatever is fucking sweet. A bunch of dudes and dockers.

I made that part don't hit. I'm just talking about the scenic views. a new friend of mine, friend of Drew's Nick Vatterot, very funny comedian we just ran into in the lobby, made a joke about this place being perfect for like battles, like fortifications because of mountains

and a big, dead lake and ship. And I got to thinking, like, is that why the Mormons? Is this like for God's holy war or something? Is that anything to do with it? Every single city out here. Denver, Salt Lake, every city like along the ridge, they got to the Rockies and they were like, well, fuck that.

This is California. That's just what we've decided. That's good. I mean, that checks out. Like the leader comes down and he's like, we're in California, guys, we made it. That's like, where's the ocean? That's it. It's over there. That big salty lake. Yeah. That's the Pacific Ocean. So they just fucking built here because it was 1800s and going through those mountains was terrifying. Is that how they named it? Just a show. They said it was an ocean for years. And somebody's like, that's a light. Yeah, salt lake.

No, I mean, I reckon it's a damn... It's a salt lake, ain't it? I guess. And that's the deal. Right? You guys even wondering is making me feel weird. No, it's a salt lake. Okay.

Well, yeah. We've got weird... I don't know, we've got weird gaps in knowledge. Remember when you didn't know what the fuck you didn't think Quicksand was real? I still don't think Quicksand is real. Not like what y'all say. Well, yeah, not like what Wiley Coyote fucking says, but like Quicksand is real. They don't kill people.

Well, like, Malani has that. It's just a little. line but I thought it was a kid turns out quicksand is not near as big

of a deal as I thought it would be when I was a kid yeah no it do kill people I don't believe

I just read a story there was that long ago about I read a story we you really like denying the existence

of quicksand right now the reason it's not it's just it's just like annoying but you can get out

they do you know people die like there was a a BBC journalist doing a

A story on it. You told me this. You never sent me a back. No, I didn't. Burt Chrysher told you this. It was on. Oh, that's, yeah, okay. That's the story I was thinking of is this one that you're about to tell.

All right. All right. Joe Rogan said the other day on the podcast that if you do enough DMT, you can talk to aliens in your dreams. I don't have to believe everything I hear in a podcast. Okay, but one of them is a link. There's a video. Burt saw it and told us. We could also just check this out right now.

I mean, you know, quicks and kill people. Let's not. Yeah, absolutely. Let's not fact check. For the record. Everyone who's going to fact check me after they listen to this. My argument is not that Quicksand doesn't exist. I just don't think it's actually deadly.

Like ever. Literally ever. Maybe once or twice, but it wasn't like... One hostess Cupcake won't kill your ass. It was like their truck got stuck into Quicksand and they happened to be 400 miles from water. Dude, I guarantee you that people have died. Yeah, it's a low number because it's not like a...

It's not a huge thing. People die in regular sand. That's what I'm saying. Like I said, people die. All that the numbers are any different. You don't think it's any more dangerous. than slagely.

It's slightly. It's like a pot hole. It's dangerous as shit. It just ain't all around us.

I'm sure that people have slipped on a rock and falling, but that don't mean that we should have cartoons about rocks killing people. Okay,

but we do. Yeah, and they hit the same cartoons. Yeah, I mean, they don't die, you don't die in cartoons, but I'm saying

with that hit if you didn't die, like how many times would be awesome if you could just drop an an envelope on Corey's head and it smush him

but then he don't die. If he was a loony tune, like for, I mean, he sort of is anyway, but if he really wasn't that way, we'd kill him all the time. Also, Corey, and I've told her this before people, my wife, I wish to God sometimes she was a lonely town,

because when she just says stuff, it's like just out of left field, you just look at her and just be like slam the door in her face or whatever. You know what I did that to page once when we were kids, and like I can distinctly remember genuinely expecting, like, it's so fucked up. when I think about it now because I ran and got in the bathroom and I was there and was like Sissy come here come look at this come here come here

she's like three so I'm like six or seven whatever and I remember this she comes running there super excited little toddler super cute and everything and she's pumped because Bubby's about to show her something cool she comes running there and gets right up to the door and dude I just slammed it in her face

and I was expecting in my mind I was expecting the door to creep back open and her be there just like, you know, like plastered in a fucking funny position and then just fall over. I really thought that would happen. But instead, there's just a toddler holding her nose and crying at this horrific betrayal she's just experienced. And I kind of wish I hadn't told this story, not because it makes me look like an asshole because all kids are assholes, but because like I'm one of those, like, oh, fuck, cartoons and video gangs and shit don't impact kids or whatever.

Right. But, like, clearly it does. That is literally exactly where my... had went with that. When driver first came out, we were like 16, 17, and I was playing it all the time in my PlayStation. Yeah, that was a kick-ass game. Fuck, yes. I left my girlfriend's house, and then I realized I, ravenly, left my wallet there.

Surprise, surprise. And I was going to go back and get it. I literally came like this close from just doing a donut in a fucking cutlass Sierra, 1972. Like, I started to slow down, and I jerked the wheel right, and I was about to jerk it back left the way I did it. driver to do a U-turn and I barely stopped myself. And I was like, whoa, what the fuck was that? Yeah.

I played a video game. I did that when I was 16. Because of video games? No, I was in a field drunk. Yeah, I did that. Okay. Well, and I would actually argue that that just being 16 and everything has more to do with what you just said, Drew, than the game itself.

Maybe it's like sort of a catalyst to an extent, but like, well, can you say the same thing about you being five? I have no thought. Like, it wasn't, it wasn't like I'm 16, I don't give a fuck. There's no thought to. I'd just been playing that game all day and the day before, and I was looking, this is how you turn around. Well, see, I still don't really.

Like, as far as video games go, and I mean, even cartoon, like, I don't think they make fucking kids kill other kids and shit like that, which is what it always goes to. Also, maybe I don't believe in that. Did anybody ever say, you, hey, by the way, this ain't real. That's the devil. Maybe not, because why would you think to do that?

What? I'm saying like I feel nowadays there may be parents do need to just go, hey, okay, y'all watch all this shit, but just understand this ain't real. You know, this ain't how it is. Yeah, I say that all the time. Yeah, well, now we, I think, you know, back in the, we didn't have them disclaimers. Sure, we did. Really?

I don't think it's this bad just because it's just all worse now because of Facebook and shit. Like, there's just more information out there and stuff. Sometimes there's parts of your brain that you start to explore, and then it's like, you need to spend a little bit more time. I don't know what you're saying. What are you talking about? That's how I feel. Like, I'm saying... Where'd that come from?

What do you mean? Like, okay, it's the same, that people go, oh, there's more perverts now than ever. It's like, no, it's just the internet made them be able to do the... We know more about it now? Yes. Hold on. When we were kids, there's more disclaimers now about shit.

I don't think disclaimers have an impact on children, like the kind that I feel like you're talking about. I'm... I'm regulatory disclaimer. Well, maybe you wouldn't have thought, if I slammed the door in my sister's face, if somebody had said, by the way, none of this shit,

you can't really drop an envelope on people said, you're right, though. If you were five, you wouldn't give a fuck. And parents do say that and did back then. No, mine didn't. I'm saying mine didn't. They can give a fuck. I still think the devil makes kids kill people.

Sure. Well, do you want to get into that some? We talked some earlier today about, and I mean, we actually, because of our hilariously raving. This is Mormon's wrong. Recorder incident earlier. We're actually kind of running out of fucking time before we have to leave for our show. We got like 20-ish minute.

So I don't know if we want to get into religion in 20 minutes, but we have to talk about it because, yeah, this is, we're in Salt and we're in Utah. This is the land of the Mormons. That's when I got to leave. Not y'all. Y'all don't still keep going in? I mean, we got to leave pretty quickly after the show's at seven, correct? Yeah. Brought Vatterup back up with us and just set him there and not told anybody what happened when Corey left.

That would have been funny. That would have been hilarious. I thought about, you know, asking them if they wanted, but then I was like, nah, we... Well, he's leaving and shit. But, uh, anyway, so Mormons. they hit for you no here's the thing though

every Mormon I've ever met and I've known a few you know over my in my years everyone I've ever known is like super super nice but like too much that Joel Osteeny nice

yeah that like it kind of freaks me out nice you know what I mean like what's uh what's going on with you man you know what I mean like but I'm not such a cynical piece of shit dick that I just assume they're evil trai? I'm just trying to hit. Of course. I think I'm like 10 and 1.

Every moment I met the 1 is been really sweet, almost jarringly so. Yeah, but I mean, and I still, like I just said that, but I also have had the thought like yeah, you know, honestly that probably reflects more on me than on them that I have that reaction to them just being very fucking polite. It's not just that. It's like, you know, I'm very very, very.

openly, not religious, and so no gods hit for me. But the ones that are like, and they're all ridiculous to me. They're all, but they're not equally insane, and in my opinion,

Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses and Scientology, which I know is its own completely other fucking bug fuckery. Yeah. But those are all like just a, just a scotch more insane. to me, and so it's like, it's just

an added level of like, man, I don't get this. Because of the rock glasses and the magic underwear? Well, if you're talking Mormonism, I mean, the whole fucking story. You know, Jesus came to America and met what's his name, Joe Smith or whatever, and the Indians in the

plates and all that crazy shit. Like, you know, sermon on the mount, tablets come down from fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah, right, but there's still sermon on the mount. It's like, I mean, Jesus was a dude, though, right? Historically, that's pretty well.

Pretty well, right, and it was in that area at that time. You know what I mean? I'm saying. It's because the Mormons tried to reboot something that was already a thing. Mormonism was like the, well, not gritty. It's the opposite of gritty. It's the rainbowy, the cargo shorts, reboot of Christianity. Yeah, well, and you know, it's weird you say that,

because I'm not really thought about it, but, like, in their version, Jesus. I feel like you're going to start an actual war. if we give them the title of cargo short Christianity. There's a lot of people that could buy for that. Well, but this is about... Oh, that's a good point. Talking about those people, though,

it's wild to me now that you mentioned, because I hadn't thought about it, Mormonism is like Jesus came to America. How the fuck ain't, don't I know more Mormons? That didn't be like, hell yeah. You know what I mean? Your goddamn right, he came to America. I'm going with them.

Especially with those people, like, Jesus is just the first American. Like, he was American over there. Even in their story. You know what I mean? I need the Mormon story for Jesus to be a patriot. He just was. Also, let it back you up. I feel like those people's view of Mormonism,

they really should, you would think, go down that. You get nine wives? You don't have to pay goddamn taxes, and Jesus came to America and a family church. Fuck you out, buddy. Free gold in the yard, hell yeah. I think what happened is that used to be a thing with their ancestors and their grandfathers were like,

yeah, we'll check it out. They went there and said to be nice to everybody. They're like, fuck that. Don't help. The dude is John Smith. That's red. Kind of. I think it's Joseph Smith. It's Joseph Smith.

John Smith is Pocahontas. He's also the... No, never mind. I'm going to Adam Smith. The old school economist. So, John, do you think Adam Smith also fucked... For a second, did you think... The invisible hand?

I know what you mean. Before a second, did you think that that guy also fuck Pocahontas? No, just that same... Wouldn't that be a much hitter Smith? If he invented the invisible hand theory of economics, fuck Pocahontas and founded Mormonism? Hell yeah. I would join the religion if that was all going on.

Right. Okay, that's another thing that's a dividing line for me now that I think about it. With, you know, the, what's the word, Judeo-Christian? What's the fucking word? Is that the one that's the Abrahamic? Abrahamic, that's it, the Abrahamic religions, yeah. And also like the far-y. I love how racist we are.

Abrahamic includes all three of the Abraham religions, and the white versions of that, Christians and Jews, we're like, listen, we need to separate ourselves from the fucking, Muslims. Let's invent a new word. It's just us, too. I'm not at all surprised that they did that at some point in time. But, yeah, that was just pure ignorance on my part.

I was just trying to find the word. Yeah. But anyway, because, yeah, I'm not, again, I'm not a church feller. But those and the Far Eastern ones and stuff, they've been around for so long that, like, they're crazy. Yeah, but, like, I get it because, I mean, fuck, back then, nobody knew shit about anything. So being told this stuff is like, yeah, I heard. Totally. Well, that makes me feel better, so okay.

Did you lean into that? Yeah, I did. We have now transitioned to just farting straight into them. And it ain't me. I know, yet. But, so, you know, that's a big part of it for me. But, like, Mormonism and Scientology and... It's new.

It's new. So, like, how did that catch on at that time with as many people as it did? Present-day Mormons, again, I kind of... Because if you're born into something, man, who the fuck? knows. You know what I mean? Like, being indoctrinated, I get that too. There's a lot of fucking going on. And I have noticed that a lot of

religious founding, it seems like a lot of people was fucking a lot. Yeah. I thought with Scientology, another big part of the narrative, was that it was like, yet another way for, like, weird people with money to separate themselves from, you know, the peasants

or the normies or whatever, because it's the only religion you have to, you have to pay to move upward in, right? I mean, I mean, well, that's every church, but they actually, like de facto, you have to, but you know what I mean? Like, it's literally, that's how their rules weren't.

Yeah, but I mean, it started out as quasi-science, and I think that explains what, like, I feel like that alien shit literally came later in the church and literally comes later in your christening or whatever. Oh, does. No, no, not at all. No, that's like, you've got to get real far up again,

my understanding, you've got to get real far up there before they even tell you that story. Now, at this point, it's a thing that a lot of people know. Well, what about with Mormons? Do you start out here in a bunch of different planets and Jesus has his own planet, right? Yes, yes, yeah. Cullen cleanse. That sounds right. I have no idea when you learn that.

Like, are you a kid and you get taught that shit? Sure. Your brother's church. That's when you have to get them. I respect, like, on the one hand, teaching your kids anything, it's like, it's hairy, but it's your kids. teach you one every you want,

I guess. But on the other hand, I respect that you don't have to pay a bunch of money and go through a bunch of

process. It's like, no, that's what we believe. Yeah, we'll just threaten you with hell. That's the biggest

proof that Scientology's full of shit is like they won't tell anyone what they believe. And imagine, and this has been saying brought up before, but like,

think about being one of those people that bought into it at that point, like really bought into it and you've worked your way up solidly.

And it's like, and you can't fucking wait to learn the secret, right the secret of it all they're going to tell you and then you go through that fucking PowerPoint presentation or however the fuck they tell you it's a PowerPoint

back then it would have been like an overhead projector or some shit which is even worse but like I'm sorry hold on those bulb seems to burn out right you get it open here just five more minutes guys so anyway galactic over wars but just imagine how and I'm sure a lot of them are so fucked by that point that they're like totally

oh yeah oh yeah but they're had to be some people that were sitting there like do none oh fuck man calling their lawyer can sue a church this was a huge not that one

historically that's what they do you know people y'all know that you about fucking operation snow white or whatever you know about that I know the title and I know I don't know a lot about it

it's the single biggest infiltration of the American government in our nation's history, and it was by the Church of Scientology. And they got caught for it. And they basically just, like, wrapped it all up in court for so long that, like, it just pretty much got fucking dropped.

But, like, and they're not a country and whatever else, but, I mean, they fucking, they had all these people in all these different positions and levels and agencies and branches of government for years. Quiverfuls like that. It's very difficult. to stop that, quote unquote, as the government. Quiverful is what, those 15 and counting dougar people follow,

and they're big Mike Pence people. A lot of the quiverful people voted for Trump because they wanted Pence in there. I read this interesting article about it, and they've been preaching that a Messiah or one of God's people will be leaders of government for years. And one of their big things that they teach kids at a young age is don't be too outgoing about your religion and go into politics. going to local politics, go into and protect us, you know, keep our way of life.

That's a particular type of Christianity that believes, you know, you ought to have a shitload of kids. The following is a message from the future, sent by Jamie from Progressive. Back in 2020, you could get help from Progressive Online through our mobile app or over the phone. But here, in the future, you'll be able to chat with us from space. Maybe you're asking, why are you spending time on insurance in space? Shouldn't you be sculpting something out of moon rocks or jumping around with no gravity? Insurance seems more like a back on Earth kind of thing, right? Actually, in the future, space is no big deal.

Aaron's are totally appropriate. That was a message from the future. Get the help you need today with progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers. Isn't that kind of a tenant of most of them? You know, it'd be fruitful and multiplying that whole thing. Right. Yeah.

I mean, admit like... I mean, not really does. The Catholics made that a sin for a long time, but that's no longer considered a sin, I think, by the Catholic... Somebody tell Philip Rivers. He did not get that memo. And like Baptist, there was no, that was a, that's a Bible, that verse that's quoted. It's like it's good for you to go have a family.

But it's not a sin. Oh, but that's the ones that just kind of. It's not a sin to have you's birth control. But here's what they got around it, though, at least from what I heard from the older people, it's like, yeah, taking birth control wasn't a sin, but if you weren't married and you were taking birth control, we know what you're doing. Yeah, you're trying to avoid your period. What are you talking about?

They couldn't ask their parents. That's, it's still a hilariously ignorant. a problem with it. I'm just saying there's a difference in quiverful. They're like, no, they don't call it a sin, but like they call it a sin. But what I'm saying is there's a difference. Quiverful is set apart by that. 16 fucking kids, that's not what

normal, quote-unquote, normal Christians do. Well, I mean, I know, I was just saying isn't there like a diet version of that? You're not supposed to family plan either. You're not supposed to like pull out or only have sex when she's obeliorate, not when she's not ovulating. You're supposed to fuck all the time and have kids.

Okay, so. And infiltrate the government. So I dated this girl whose grandparents were old country Catholics, like from like Romania or somewhere like that, like off the boat, right? I thought all them was Dracula's. Yeah, well, they were, I mean, I met her great-grandma once and she was pretty vampiric, but she was older than a dirt she slept in. But they were Catholic. And again, like from the old country. And I know, because they told me that their philosophy.

on it was you don't you do not have sex unless you are willing and well willing and prepared for that sex to result in a child not that you should and that is still different what you said is like oh you're supposed to be fucking all the time

it was just like you you shouldn't be fucking unless you're okay with that resulting in a baby yeah you don't pull out no condoms no birth control nothing that is very different wait you You don't pull out? No, no, I'm saying.

It is. Spill the seed on the ground or whatever. I thought that was about masturbation. No, what is? But do you know that? Well, I actually know you're right. You know the Ron White Pit. He goes, his grandma, his grandma carter jerking off.

And he goes, oh, Ron, the Bible says it's better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground. I said, well, I ain't argue with that. But I'm just saying, I think that there's a different level. of you're not supposed to plan around your ovulation or whatever versus if you have sex, be willing to keep the kid. Like, they're saying purposeful. I mean, it's called quiverful. Yeah.

Like, keep your quiver full. Have a shitload of kids. And I'm pretty sure that the philosophy I just described of my ex-girlfriend's family, like, I'm pretty sure that's also what Philip Rivers does. And I mean, he's on like number eight now. I mean, it's not 16, but he's also like four years older than us. You know what I mean?

he got time. It's just too war out all the goddamn time. All the damn kids. No, well, to be, I mean, it weren't never his fault that they didn't go to the Super Bowl, though. Never. I mean, he has stayed balling. That's just a shittily run organization. Him and L.T. those years.

They were very, very good. Yeah. So, okay, that reminds me. Quiverful tried to infiltrate the government. You didn't finish talking about sanitology doing that, or maybe you did. I don't even remember what led me into that, but I was just saying how fucking insane that is and everything about them is. I don't think it's insane that a big reason Trump's president is a bunch of people who genuinely do hate and disagree with him,

just want Mike Pence to be president? Yeah, of course. But, I mean, hell, that's why he picked that motherfucker. Sure, but I didn't know it worked that well. Right. Actually, yeah, I'm not surprised by that. But the whole LTA, Philip Rivers discussion reminded me of something else I wanted to bring up. that I've thought a lot about before, going back to Mormons,

we're into Mormon capital of the world. Here's my theory. So first of all, we're all in agreement like Mormons can ball, right? Like, oxymoronically almost, because they're the whitest, nerdyest people on earth. But, like, there's, dude, there's so many fucking Mormons. Well, hell, think about how good BYU is compared to. I'm not disagree with you. Like, Todd Detmer won the Hisman.

Yeah, dude, there's a... lot. Basketball players too, but I'm saying like everyone I've ever known. Fred, though, now that they have, you know, people that aren't just direct descendants of that first group that came over. In other words, they got a lot of Hawaiian, black, white people who weren't part of that. But I'm talking about white, nerdy Mormons. And the ones that I've The ones that I've known, they can fall a little bit. There's a one family. That's true. And they were fucking tracks. Can I tell you what my theory is? Now, here's my. Now, here's my.

theory. Okay. And it's a stupid one. So, you're, all my theories are stupid. But so, I think it's because they ain't allowed to do nothing else. You're not like literally,

literally fucking coax and coffee and shit even. They ain't allowed to have. They're not allowed to fuck. Yeah. No caffeine, no sodas. No, I mean,

they can't do shit, man, but sports, totally okay. And I feel like that's what they pull. all their youthful energy into instead of shenanigans and, you know, sinning like a lot of us do, it's just ball as fucking life. That's my theory on it. My theory is that that trek over here killed all the weak ones.

So for, you know, at least the next four or five generations, the only ones, you know, in their DNA-wise was the strong athletic ones that could survive the winter and the walk to Salt Lake City from fucking the East Coast. I just realized that religion is that we find the weirdest are the ones who actually do their religion. Well, I mean, yeah, they're, I mean, they walk the walk. All that stuff you just said about Mormons, regular Baptist Christians, they're supposed to do that shit either, really, if you follow it to a tea. I don't know about the caffeine, but, you know.

Well, your body's a temple. You can interpret it that way. Like, that is dangerous into your body. Your body's a temple. You're supposed to use it to the service of the Lord. You're not. Well, yeah, that's what's, so that's, your body doesn't need in your body, the Bible, in several, several verses. talks about you should not put in anything that is not to be used.

Does this relate to them being good at sports? Yeah, that's another aspect of that same theory that I didn't. But they had discipline, you mean? That I didn't even think of. It's like, in addition to, oh, they're not allowed to do this other hitting stuff, they are encouraged to, you know, take care of themselves separately. How about go for a run? Yeah, and just, and if you're 14 and you really want to jack off,

like, you're going to run hard as fuck all the time. You know what? before like I used to not jack off and stuff because I thought it was wrong and my in a girl I dated didn't want me to buddy you don't help yeah but I mean I was really good at sports maybe there's something to this shit maybe there is I don't know as soon as I started because I'm not good at sports and buddy let me tell you as soon as I started fucking I just got fat I had to quit football the theory still holding up here because I was literally in elementary school and I was literally in elementary school a fucking book nerd and that's all I do was read and make good grades I was really proud

myself. I mean, I remember you told us that, but you'd be saying a lot of shit. I know, but that's really true. Well, six grades, when something changed, I was like, well, I met a bunch of my new friends went to other school. That's literally when I started jacking off. Well, yeah. But I didn't give a fuck about nothing. Once I did that, I was like, well, I don't know that is. Well, now here's the thing. I jacked off heavy from like six to ninth grade. And then I started dating this girl, and we were having sex, but not that regularly. You mean you had done, been doing it, and then you stopped. That blows my mind. At 14, you had the willpower to stop jacking off.

I probably stopped at like 15 or 60. Good Lord, dude. Because of your upbringing, I told you. Well, you know how dumb you are at that age? She was like, yeah, dumb people be jacking off all the time. Okay. Dumb people stay jack it off, son. Okay.

But I had a girlfriend and we were, you know, rainy little rabbits. And she said she didn't like it, which is weird and stupid and controlling in retrospect. But the point is, she was the person who provided me with that what I wanted. Oh, she was. All right, now I'm getting uncomfortable because, like, you know what I mean? She's young. I get in my head, she's a high schooler, and I'm not about her, but she's a grown woman now. We're just kids.

We didn't know no better. Lord. But not like all the time. Right. And when we got to college, we had a long-distance relationship, and I still tried to do that, I started failing. So to backtrack a little bit because I want to tell this story, and I'll try to do the abbreviated very. We were built way more than I wanted to. Yeah, you went in.

I've told y'all this story before I think, but I talked about how Mormons can ball and ball his life and all this shit, and they can. Having said that, one of the wildest things ever happened to me while I still lived in Salina. So I grew up, I was like 15 or 16 at this time. Me, I love this story. Me, Dusty Bear, and some more of our boys were down at the park shooting around. Everybody, I mean, y'all all know, because you're from equally small towns, literally everyone in Salina, especially of a similar age, we all know each other. Literally everyone knows each other. They wasn't no Mormons, you know what I mean, at all, weren't no Jews, nothing like that.

I mean, we had white people and black people, and that was it, and everybody was Christian. Or you weren't, and you didn't talk about that. These three Mormon missionaries came to the ball court one day, and I mean, they, they, every one of them looked like Buddy Holly with acne, right? Like, I mean, they were so insanely white and dorky looking. They had the short

sleeve, button up white shirts with the ties. I mean, Mormon missionaries. Fucking all of them, black hornedrimmed glasses and stuff and just like goofy, like buck teeth, just like... No. No, son. I mean, I'm a sloppy,

slovenly fat, oaf fuck face, but I'm Not that. I'm not a buttoned-up. Hey, guys. No, I don't mean your actual person. That's what these people are. No, no.

Literally, you said black glasses and Corey went. I said horn-rimmed. That ain't these at all. I know. Buddy Holly glasses. Military-glasses. Anyway. They do be wearing military glasses.

Yes, they do. Uniform-esque. It's 100% a uniform. I'm just. sure it's a start to be with trade fuck Mormons anyway anyway that's what these guys all look like but they come down there like hey you guys man if we

shoot around with you or whatever and they start and like they can play some and we're playing against them for like 10 minutes and we were like damn this is weird that these guys can actually play because look at them that was kind of my first introduction to that but

then a literal bus a charter bus filled with black people from Louisville, Kentucky. Like, how many people can you fit on a charter bus? 100, 70, 80. So 70 to 80, fully grown black people get off this bus. I guess, like, you know how you're on a road trip?

You got to take a bathroom break. Well, they needed a basketball break, you know. Oh, Lord, I'm going to catch some for that. But anyway. But they, they, they. So they start filing off this bus. And again, we had a black community in Salina, but this is still, I never saw anything like that before or since.

They all file over there. They walk straight to the court. And dude, that fucking Donaldson Park in Salina, Tennessee with the bent up shitty rams and just broke down everything for like the next 45 minutes turned into motherfucking rucker park, man. They came down there and they're like, hey, but y'all mind we, you know, play some. And those three Mormons were like, yeah, sure, guys, here we go. You'll play ya?

And me and my friends were just like, shit. And we were like, yeah. Dude, and that was the best part. But I'm getting ahead of myself. So the three guys they had playing, one of them, I swear to God, was like six, seven. You know, looked like he came straight off the AM-1 mixtape. The other dudes were small but could dribble, you know, ball handle and fucking move. And this guy was slamming it.

Just dick in their faces, knocking their glasses off, man. like soaring in the air and just swatting their shit. I mean, wrecked these motherfuckers. Like, they're falling down and stuff. Make them shit in their magic underwear. Yeah, and the best part about it was me and my friends, our little white trash redneck asses, by virtue of them being there and it's happening,

we got to be like the cool white people that were there. We were like part of the peanut gallery standing there with everybody else, just like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. shit. And it was fucking awesome. But I've thought so much about how like how insanely fortuitous it was for us. Like what, again, you're from towns like I'm from. What are the odds of both the only Mormon missionaries I ever saw there and the only busload of ballers I ever saw stop them, both converging at the same time while we were at the park? Like,

two episodes ago we live in a goddamn simulation. But anyway, that's far and away my favorite Mormon story and my favorite basketball story for that matter. Christianity and Mormonism is about service. They sacrifice for you guys. Yeah. I do think, Trey, that I want to point out, it sounds like you've talked about how you, all the Mormons you've known have been nice. That experience for them was them saving you from...

Go ahead, Gore, get out here. Yeah, we're about to wrap it up. That experience is that you're getting dunked on by a power forward. Why you hate Mormons? Sounds like they're always hidden for you. Sorry, because of him leaving, I missed the middle of what you said. I'm pointing out that you say every Mormon you met has been nice, and then the only story that I've heard about you having with them

is them saving you from getting dunked on by power forward. So, like, why you're shitting on Mormons? Well, for all the shit I said earlier again, I'm just, gods don't hit for me, churches don't hit for me, and some of them, for the reasons we've already talked about, hit a little less than others because they're even harder for me to fucking get why or how they are even a thing and Mormonism is on that list for me. Yeah.

That checks out. So anyway, I guess we should put a bow on it. We should just to really make people upset. Let's rank your religions. Oh, God. Okay. In order of what? And yes, this is a bad idea.

However you want to do it. You want to do it like craziest or just what you like the most? Or, no, that would really get it. us on a list. I was going to say the ones that's most fun to hook up with. I don't even know that. Yeah, I haven't hooked up with enough. You're right. I mean, because I'm shit.

Right. I mean, I met my wife in Cookville, which is not too many levels removed from Salinas. So I've never been with a girl that's not Well, you've, and the reason I thought of that, at least ostensibly Christian. Before we get too many. I mean, I've been with some godless hoars.

Well, before we get too much. Their families are, you know, Christians. Before we get too much. that one of the reason I brought that up I wasn't just like let's talk about fucking girls there is something special coming from a church about like hooking up in the church or hooking up at vacation Bible school or something like that just because the guilt and the wrongness of it makes it extra good well on that note it's weird you say that because the only experience I ever had with that and again I didn't grow up in the church but like I definitely felt the guilt but it didn't

make it extra good this one girl in high school who I'm not going to name but Anybody who went to Sly High School at that time will know who I'm talking about. She, she, Lord, this is pretty explicit, but she blew me and then spit it on to the walls of a church. Like our purpose?

Like in a, fuck this churchway, or just she just turned her head and that's what happened? I mean, I think the latter, but like, yeah, we're in a church parking lot.

You didn't ask her. No, but I'm saying even my godless ass at that time, I was like, oh, man. Lord. I don't know how now, like at this age, I feel literally nothing about that. But like, at the time, even having not grown up in the church, I was like, oh, it kind of made me cringe a little bit.

But rank the religions. I don't know. And the other thing is another way in which I'll catch shit if I do this is because I will belie my ethnocentricity because I will just leave a shitload of them off. And there's plenty that I don't know anything at all about. Let's do American religions. Like, you know what I mean? My thought is, if we live... Okay, like, I don't know shit about Sikhs, but they seem cool.

They do seem cool. It's a cool word, too. Yeah. I always, like, and I didn't make this up. Well, anyway, I always want to tell them something that they have is Sikh, bro, you know? But I'm not going to, because I'd be very douchy. I don't get it. I'm sorry.

That's a Sikh shirt, bro. No, like, sick. Yeah, anyway. No, they, and I mean, and, and, I mean, everything I do know about them, which is very, very, very limited is that, you know, they seem like a pretty hit-and-ass people. Well, the only reason I thought is is you sort of started doing it. But I don't know anything about them, really. Well, right. Yeah, that's fair. Like, the only reason I started doing this is you sort of, you sort of started doing it already. You were saying, you have this sort of like, fuck all these religions mentality, but I think you mentioned three of them that have a special place in fuckery for you. And you said Scientology is in its own world, quite literally. It's on another planet. and then below that you think that Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses were the other ones that I said

Why Jehovah's Witnesses? Because, okay, well, I admittedly, that's another one that I don't really know much about, but literally everything I do know about them does not hit for me. Like the way that... But you, we were talking about crazy. They don't celebrate... I mean... Crazier than...

As far as like what their beliefs are based on, that I don't know. I just know that like, you know, they don't celebrate any kind of anything at all. My understanding is they have like... some kind of institutional unappreciation for education. Like, they're the least educated religion, organized religion in the country. I talked about that. Education is part of, that's part of their philosophy is that that ain't good. And that's one of the most not-hittinist philosophies on planet Earth for me.

Right, whereas like the Jesuits, that was their whole thing. Right. I mean, of course it was to subjugate and conquer minorities. Right. But still, they were like, we're going to teach them how to do math. We're just also going to break down their identity and make them confused for the next four generations about where they came. Yeah. Any ideology that subscribes to like, you know, learning as bad as that I'm not with that at all.

Well, instead of ranking, then, I think we've gotten at what I was going to get in at. It's just like some of them seem wilder than the others. But at the end of the day, the truth is, you know, if you let anything become the code by which you live your life, you've got to answer for that. It doesn't mean you're necessarily insane. It's just that we're allowed to comment on that, I think. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, damn, you're living by that code.

It seems like that code's fucking up a little bit. But a big part of what you and I have talked about with, like, even Trump supporters, and I do this with religion. You don't do this with religion as much as I do. Like I've said before, my parents are those, you know, those good-hearted Christians that you hear about but never rarely seem to me. I'm a bit of a religion apologist. I mean, you know that about me.

Like I said, I've met so many sweet Mormons. I feel like I've met a nice Scientologist. They just weren't allowed to tell me that's what they were. You know what I mean? But maybe not. And then Jehovah's Witnesses are always nice. They just... Well, that's nothing too.

I should probably say. I'm not talking about any... Person? People. Right. Yeah, I'm talking... And I don't mean that as a challenge. Like, fuck you, Trey, you are.

I just mean, like, that's what's weird about all this. Right? Trump voters, blah, blah, blah. Or even Trump. And people take that personally if they voted for him. Yeah, but I... Jehovah's witness. Blah, blah, blah.

People take that personally. But that's part of it. And I mean, I guess you're saying it doesn't matter because to those people, it's the same thing. But that's consistent for us because one of our big narratives is I know plenty of Trump voters and supporters who I love dearly as people. You know what I mean? I know that is what I'm saying. And so, yeah, I'm that way with religions too. It's just like, and this is what I feel like at least some people will think we've been like dancing around the whole time.

But that's like every Muslim I've ever known has admittedly been a Muslim. American, but they've, every one of them is awesome, right? Like, I, you know, dig them all. But, like, I don't, I don't, they don't, right? Well, that's the thing. But, you know, Islam, I ain't down with it. You know what I mean? No, not even a little bit.

I have a lot of fucking problems with Islam, but, like, as liberals, we're, like, not allowed to even say that. Well, because that's, like, the travel ban and shit, fuck all that. that's fucked up that's bullshit i'm not i'm on the record as talking about how bullshit and un-american that is but to me that's not that's not logically inconsistent with then also saying okay that's bullshit but still i ain't really down with allah you know what i mean like because i'm completely but one thing that i have a problem with and and i'm glad we got into this and i honestly wasn't dancing around i was just thinking about i didn't think we were i'm saying i bet some people

would feel that way just because of the atmosphere. Scientology, well, I was mostly just thinking about my experience in different types of Christianity, and then we're in Salt Lake City, so I was thinking about Mormons, and then I was thinking about Scientology, because last night, as you know, I made a joke. I have a, in my set, I talk about Christianity. I make fun of my childhood and Christianity for four or five minutes, and then I have one line about Scientology. Literally one line.

And this dude got offended and yelled out, and I was like, man, I spent four minutes to talk about minds, and you can't take one of them. about yours? Yeah. But what I wanted to say about what you were getting in just now is, I agree.

And I'll give an example though. You've been on Bill Maher. You're a big fan. He's always on liberals about their hypocrisy. Yeah. But here's my problem.

Particularly in that specific topic. Always my problem with his take on that. He'll be like, you know, they don't let their women. You can't even see their faces. This is what you're defending?

And it's like, no. No, I'm trying to have discussion about American imperialism. And it seems like you're trying to tell me that because they're sexist, we should murder them all. And that is fucking ridiculous. That, to me, that's a straw man argument.

It's a complete straw man argument. The question should be, should we go to war with them, either because they're going to try and come to war with us? Well, no, that's really the only question. Like, should we go to war because we need to defend ourselves? Why the fuck? Why the fuck are we talking about how they treat their women as if that's ever been why we go to war with someone. That is bullshit.

I mean, I hear you, but like I just, I don't and never have really seen the argument that way. I feel like it's more it's more like as a liberal, I feel like you can't even say, even if you

are an avowed, you know, non-religious person like me, because I don't want to just say, because again, I'm emphasizing all religions I, I, I ain't firm, right? And even if you're very open about that, as a liberal, like, if you say, no matter the context,

if you're like, look, there's some fucking problems with Islam or whatever, then you get jumped down your fucking throat. And I think that is more the crux of the argument as far as I don't think, I feel like you're kind of making a leap to then go that what I'm saying is, oh, they're terrible, so we should go fucking kill them all. because that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that those conversations are making that leap because we're having a conversation about our quote-unquote war on terror, and now we're talking about their sexist policies. We're at war with them either because we bombed the fuck out of their countries forever, for whatever reason,

and now they want to bomb us back, or because their religion is teaching them to bomb us. It's one of the other. No, it's not. What's the other ones? It's both. You really don't think it could be both of those things? Sure, sure. That's my point. Like, sure.

I think the answer is totally that, dude, we, going to their embalming and killing their fucking family members and shit, we create the, you know, our own fucking, you know, we're Dr. Frankenstein in a lot of ways with that shit. But to act like there are not some facets of that religion as practiced in that part of the world that contribute to that is ridiculous to me. Well, I don't think it's ridiculous. It's a factor.

about that, but I'm not acting like it's either or I didn't mean it like that. I meant that's the question is those two issues. When we're having a discussion about war and Islam and terror and people are like, they don't let their women. How can you defend them, liberal?

And I'm over here watching these talking heads and I'm going, we're in the weeds here. If someone goes on TV and says American imperialism is to blame, it's not fair to bring up that that liberal is a quote unquote hypocrite because he doesn't care about Islamic women.

That's horse shit. Like, if my argument that us bombing them is the sole reason or most of the reason is wrong, then let's talk about why that's wrong. You know what I mean? I get furious when people talk about the problems with the religion as if that has something to do with war without them going into specifics of they're actually taught to bomb us in their religion. That's different. I still kind of feel like you're conflating to sort of separate discussions that are just related.

I'm saying that they conflate them on television and it infuriates me. And they're not separate. It happens all the time. Bill Maher's biggest thing is to call out these quote-unquote hypocritical liberals who have their progressive ideas but don't give a fuck about these poor women or these poor people in these countries who are under despotic leaders. And it's like, what? We don't give a fuck about them because we don't want to go to war over there? The opposite is true. Because we give a fuck about them, we don't.

I want to go over it because people die. The conversation gets started because of the war and because of the terrorist attacks and stuff like that. Sure. And what I'm saying is I think at some point if you say, if you suggest, you know, part of this problem is the way that that religion is practiced by some groups in these areas. And that's a root cause of it. Courage is violence. If you say that, then a lot of people on the left will be like, no, no, no, no, no. It's not the religion.

That's don't, they don't reflect the religion. That's bullshit. Then, you know, you shouldn't say that and that's fucked up or whatever. And I feel like then that leads to the argument. It's like, when you say it's like, okay, really, like it's really not at all the factor. And then you start naming off all these stats about the way they treat the women and all that shit in, support of that argument, not directly in support of why we should be at war with them. But I don't feel like that's what happens. I'm sorry. I don't feel like it at all. I feel like, and I'm

probably harping on Mars specifically too much, and that's probably not fair because he is a instigator. You know what I mean? His whole thing is to like say something kind of wild or whatever, get people going. But I do feel like these discussions end up being you're full of shit, because you're not a real liberal or whatever. But, you know, I happen to disagree with the other point you're making, too, to be honest with you, because I agree that the religion teaches those things, but something was going to. When there's power vacuums and there's problems, when you mean bombed by imperialism or whatever, taken over in some way if it's just colonized, someone's going to hook something.

Just like in the South, it's Trump right now. It used to be religion in the South. And right now it was fucking Trump. And that's how those people got hooked, right? the poor people in the status. That's my theory. It's like, yeah, they felt I don't know, not at war. I don't want to go that far,

but, you know, a lot of working class people felt left out. So they hooked on to what is basically a religious leader. I mean, Trump's got all the... Yeah, yeah, he's a demagogue, but like that I think what you just said is probably true, but I also think that like,

okay, but that is still, that's what happened. And it doesn't make it like not a problem. Anyway, Well, religion is a problem for that reason. We could talk about this for a whole hour, but we need to go. You ain't even wearing real pants. We need to go. What I'll say, though, just to agree with you on that is religion is always a problem for that reason.

You know what I mean? And then that's not, that has nothing to do with anybody believes in God or their own church or anything. It's just religion is always used as that tool, man. Yeah, that's true. That's why I ain't for it and it don't hit for me. So anyway, we're about to cut into this interview with one. I don't think we talk about religion. No, we talk about drugs.

Dude, I also hope the Lauren part wasn't cut out earlier, was it? I don't have to check that. I don't think it was. Anyway, hopefully you heard us talking about Lauren earlier, and that wasn't part of it we accidentally cut out. But either way, Lauren Murphy, she's awesome. Enjoy it. She hits.

We hit. Y'all hit. We'll see you next time. What's up, whale redders? It's Corey. This is the post-intro, pre-interview, I guess, intro edit, because we always seem to leave some stuff out, and we're dumb-dums.

But the interview you're about to hear is with one of our new favorite people on Earth. Lauren Murphy, who is a professional MMA artist. She currently fights in the women's bantamweight division of the UFC, and she's the former Invicta FC bantamweight champion. And just an all-around badass in every facet. She's great. This was a fantastic interview. We met up with her at the MMA lab in Phoenix,

which is where she trains, along with her husband, Joe Murphy, who is also a badass MMA fighter. So somehow we spent several hours with them and didn't get our ass kicked for running our mouths, I guess. But, well, in a way, they let us come in early and do a little training with them, which is the most exercise. I know for a fact me and Trey have had in a very long time,

but we were all winded and we learned some combos. It was really fun. So check her out on Twitter and Instagram, both at Lauren Murphy MMA. and yeah, that's where you can find her. And again, it's a great interview while I'm here considering, I know we got into it a little bit, but we've had some actual update since then about tickets

that have been sold out and stuff. So tickets that are currently, let's say we got Oklahoma City sold out, Oxford, Mississippi sold out. April 1st in Bentonville, Arkansas is sold out, but there are a few tickets, and I mean a few left for April 2nd in Bentonville, Arkansas. So grab those. Also, April 13th, we're back at Largo in Los Angeles.

You can still get tickets. April 21st, Brooklyn, New York at the Bell House. Still some tickets left. April 22nd, Providence, Rhode Island. April 23rd, New Brunswick, New Jersey. April 24th, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. April 28th, Indianapolis, Indiana. Let's see here.

What am I missing? Oh, okay. May 1st, Columbus, Ohio. May 2nd in Columbus is Salt. out so grab some for May 1st in Columbus then we have tickets available in Dayton Ohio Liberty Township Ohio Virginia Beach Virginia and Huntsville Alabama also some stuff to look forward to we're about to start we're about to start the booking process of Canada so all you well redders well redders up in Canada get

ready and look for those dates also Boston and several other we got a lot of of stuff that we're just working out the details and we're about to put up on the website, which is, as you know, well-read comedy.com, spelled just like this podcast, W-E-L-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com. So go there for all those tickets and merch and the book and all that good stuff. But anyways, I won't bore you any further. Y'all enjoy this interview with our friend Lauren Murphy. Thank you guys so much.

Well, well, what? So, Lauren, you guys. You're up in the Great White North, is that right? Alaska. Yeah. That were actually, so I knew you were from there, but like you were born and raised there? Born and raised. I lived there for 30 years.

What part? In the southern, south central, so in Anchorage and then just outside Ingrid in a little town called Eagle River. That literally had like two stoplights in it, you know. What's awesome about that to me is I bet Eagle River had a river and a lot of Eagles. Both, yep. Instead of being a rich white people. subdivisions where like eagle rock in LA, it's like there ain't no Eagles there.

It's just a bunch of IKEA's not even real. They're all both speaking. The rock lives here. Akeas and private schools. Yeah, that's funny. So did you like that? I hated it.

I always wanted to be like from a big city. Like I dreamed about being from L.A. or San Francisco. Like from the time I was little, I really did not want to. And we lived out in the middle of nowhere. I imagine in my. mind that Alaska is probably like the northern south. Like we lived, I mean, literally on a dirt road.

Right. And there, it was miles and miles to get to the nearest grocery store and stuff like that. So we were pretty isolated and I just hated that. I always wanted to be like where the action was, you know, where all the big adventures were. And so in my mind, that was like the high rises and down, you know, downtown New York City or whatever. Well, okay. Let me ask you this. And let me preface this by saying, I did not either, but why didn't you leave? like when you came of age or whatever, if you'd always dreamed about that. Yeah. You know, what happened?

I think I just got stuck. I got pregnant when I was 17, and I had a kid and no idea how to be an adult, but here I was trying to adult the best I could, and I started using drugs pretty heavily, and that was, like, laying down on me. What kind? Oxycontin. Yeah, lots of oxygen. And you've probably seen in videos or whatever.

I've talked about a lot, but my mom was a, opiate addict, a pill-billy, they call us. Yeah. But, yeah, because I don't know if you're aware of this, I'm sure you probably are, but where we're from, well, a little northeast of where I'm from, like, deep in the Appalachian Mountains and, like, coal country, that's the literal epicenter of the opiate epidemic. The hillbilly heroin, yeah. The hillbilly heroin, yeah.

Like, it's actually, there's this, if you look at a map of counties that have a high, like a dangerously high overdose rate, right? And you go back 15 years, there's this red cluster right in the middle of coal country in eastern Tennessee and Kentucky and West Virginia, and there literally is no red anywhere else in the country. And if you go year by year, it seriously expands from there like an actual,

like a plague, like a disease. And so... We were literally ground zero. We were part of Appalachian. Purdue focused on it, the drug company. Yeah, I've read about that. And I'm from right on the edge of that epicenter and my brother is a, it was a pillhead, he's in prison.

Terrifying. Yeah, most of the people that I used to use with are either dead or in jail. Not very many of them hated out. There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of other, you know, options, you know, other than actually stopping. And getting better, you know, but yeah, my mom is, you know, she's in recovery and has been for a little bit now, which is great. But, like, she wasn't, I was raised pretty much entirely by my dad for the most part because of all that stuff, you know. So I definitely, I know all about that whole thing, you know. Sorry for the phone, everyone. Well, I mean, I don't want to say, I know about it from my perspective,

which is as someone who has loved ones who, you know, were in that situation. I don't know about it from your perspective. It made you never want to do it or did you, have you ever tried it and just didn't have the same effect maybe? No, no. So at first started, I got my wisdom teeth cut out and I got a big bottle of pills. or whatever, but I was also still super ignorant about all that. I was like 18 or 19. I knew my mom was on drugs and on pills,

but I didn't know that these things that they gave me for my teeth was the same shit that she was on or whatever, but they made me feel good. At first they just worked, because I was in a crazy amount of pain, but at first they just worked. Were they supposed to? I can't remember. It's probably mephogram.

You've got them up right before they stopped making those. No, I think they were some kind of hydroses, man, because they were white with little like. They looked like mints. Kind of, little mints. that's what they look like and so my teeth my teeth had stopped

hurting entirely but I kept taking them along with my whole head right so my everything and I actually and I don't know if y'all

even know this but after I ran out when they were finally gone I went to my cousin's house not one of the ones that strung out one of the good I have a cousin named Trey

because that's how white trashed my family I went to my cousin Trey Tray Trouder who is that no his name's Tray Burnett but uh I went to his place, and he, you know, he was on the up and up or whatever, and I, like, tried to talk him into going into his dad's room and stealing some of his dad's back pills.

This was your cousin, Trey? Mm-hmm. Lord, man, you owe him everything. And he wouldn't do it. Yeah, I know. And a couple days later, I swear, at the time, it seemed totally normal to me. Yeah, because your brain. And a couple days later, I was like, man, that was really fucked up.

and so anyway no actually I do have a little bit of a personal experience with it but that's as close as I ever came I never did it never we were writing the book and you were talking about people dying I wrote a story with the first time my brother did the pills in front of me

and the guy he did him with it hit me and he was dead and I like I hadn't I mean of course I'd thought about the guy who died Andrew but it's just like I was writing and I was like shit he's dead the first time I went to get my brother from a drug house the guys who ran

who on the table trailer's name was rusty he's dead um one dude i know that he's done drugs with extensively is still alive so because of that i would never try it as a matter of fact i got my teeth pucked up once and they gave me a script and i had temporary braces i was from playing basketball and i wouldn't take them yeah but when the lytocaine is that what it's called where you go down yeah when that wore off i went to get the script because i couldn't stand having something in my mouth and it was hurting yeah and i took just one because i was still nervous about it but then i drank two beers without thinking.

Oh yeah. Hell yeah. Best I've ever felt my life. I cut the braces out myself, ripped them out on my mouth. Jesus. Everywhere. Yeah, with Andy. That is hard for.

My wife said a little, of you. Of course, that's what you did in that state of mind. Ripped them out, blood everywhere, threw the bottle away. Oh, my God. I can't feel that good and not want it to keep going. That's the best I've ever felt physically. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing.

It was like what people are looking for. People don't get strung out on that stuff because it's, you know, kind of fun. Yeah. Like it's a lot of fun. Yeah, it kind of reminds me a dance class. So how long... How long did that last for you? Well, for me, I think when I started using oxy cotton, and I've always kind of been an addict.

Like, even since I was a little kid, I've always had thoughts that are, like, prevalent to addicts, you know, that are common for people with addictive personalities to have. Compulsive? Compulsive. I was always, like, unhappy with who I was. You know, I just always felt like a weird, like, weird inside of it. I always felt like nobody liked me and like I wasn't good enough and I always wanted to live somewhere else. And so they say it's like irritable and discontent and restless.

And I always felt that way. And when I started drinking when I was a teenager, it all went away. And I was like, give me more of whatever. And so I was really prone to do whatever you put in front of me. But oxycotton at the time, I was 18 and it was pretty cheap still. And it was kind of a new drug and a lot of my friends were doing it. And man, I just got hooked right on that. And that was what we went after.

most of the time. There was other drugs involved too, like cocaine and ecstasy and all that stuff, but Oxycontin was the thing and we went from snorting it to shooting it up in a pretty short amount of time. If you're listening right now and you're wondering how they got cocaine in Alaska, correct me if I'm wrong, but there's a lot of drugs in parts of Alaska, right? Yeah. Not just prescription, but like because it's part of some sort of, it's like a stop on the way or something. I honestly never asked. Right. I could give a shit.

But they were, I know they're more expensive. Never asked. Right, right. It's more expensive, but they were. Yeah, but there, definitely. I only knew of that because of some A&E reality, you know, where they glorify gangs. Gangs. They ran out of people in L.A. to interview, so they were like, the gangs of Juno and the gangs of Anchorage.

But it was like, you know, it was only like four guys, and they came from L.A., but they went up there to run drugs. And people would make a killing. Yeah. especially back then, so that would have been, if I'm 33 now, it was 15 years ago. And, you know, if you can imagine just a bunch of kids. Well, of course you guys can imagine it with nothing to do. Oh, yeah. Right.

And we were all just looking back on like, oh, my God, we were all kids who thought we were grown-ass adults. And, like, my dad died when I was a kid. When I was 11, he was killed in a plane crash. And then my mom was an addict. So, like, I didn't really have, like, anybody to ask about how to adult. You know, we were just all basically basing all our actions off of, each other. And so if you can imagine a bunch of 18-year-old gangster want to be, like addicted kids looking for any drugs they could get their hands on that sounds like a good time.

Yeah, that was our life. That was my life for a good couple years. Yeah. I'm sorry if I'm reaching here, but did you fight a lot then? I have actually never been in a fight until I started MMA. Yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. I've only ever fought for money. And I mean, honestly, like it, fighting was just never my thing. Like, I just wanted to get high. That was. That was all I wanted in life was to get high and feel better. And I would do that at, you know, any expense, really, but it was always at my own expense. I never got into a fight or robbed anybody. But I knew people that did that are still in prison today.

Drugs. You had a kid. And it sounds like, you know, your dad passed away. Your mom maybe didn't have her shit together. So it's stories, unfortunately, where are we from? And you said it's kind of like the north-south. I mean, or the south of the north. I mean, yeah, it does sound like the rural parts.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's really pretty deep. It's really. Very, and it's, you know, Alaska's, like, very conservative. You know what I mean? It's, there's no real treatment up there for any kind of addiction. There's like. Tough on crime.

Yeah, exactly. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Right. There's like one or two treatment programs in Alaska. They're very hard to get into. Like, literally, physically, geographically, you've got to take a plane there. There's eight boats. Yeah, exactly.

It's a door's frozen. Great trek trying to get to Alaska. And getting out of Alaska, too, is a problem. So for me to just pack up my stuff and leave, I happen to have family in California that I was able to go be with. And it probably honestly saved my life. It didn't exactly get me sober, but they just showed me that there was a different way to live

that I was completely unaware of. You know, I just had no idea that people actually went to college. Or like, people, you know what I mean? Or they were friends with their parents. It was all new to me. Right. And it, I mean, How could you have known some of those things?

You know what I mean? But looking back on it now, you probably feel it's crazy that you didn't know all that shit, right? Like you feel, I mean, I went through a lot of that. In fact, I talk a little bit in a much more lighthearted shit. But I kind of talk about some of that on stage. Because I went through that a lot over the years, going to other places or whatever, and having thoughts of realizations of how not normal my background is. you know what I mean

by most people's standards you know what I mean and I never thought twice about it we get asked a lot about Trey and I both have graduate degrees and we get asked a lot about how'd you end up doing comedy and the explanation is similar in that and you were talking about not seeing this

I didn't see a lot of people going to college but that was the only pipeline I saw out yes so that explains like how'd you end up doing comedy if you went to and it's like when I was 18 I thought this was all there was I was good at school and that was my only way. I mean, literally that or the military.

But I knew so many, like, older, in towns like where we're from, you know, a certain percentage of the, certain percentage of the males in a graduating class that's going to join the military every year, right? And, like, so I knew plenty of guys from over the years who, like, that were older than me to know that, you know, that didn't have the desired effect a lot of time. You know what I mean? Like, they'd end up right in the foot back there or whatever. And it never was, I don't know, I just never really viewed that as a viable option, I guess, for me as opposed to.

So all that left was college. That was the only thing you could do in my mind. And in my high school, you know, they would talk about college, but nobody ever fucking showed you what that looked like. I mean, you have to go sign up for the college you want to go to and in some cases hopefully get accepted. Some places will take anybody. But, you know, and then after that you have to register for classes and then you have to find the bookstore and you have to get the books that are right. for your classes and then you got to figure out where the fuck they are and you know there's like so many steps just to show up to your first day of class and I had no fucking clue.

Right. No one helping you. Yeah. Or anybody helping me. So I did sign up for some classes in Anchorage and they were like in the small, you know, they had like an outreach class in the small town that I was in and I went to it and I sat down on my first day. I was very proud of myself for finding the class.

It was a computer class. It was a computer basics. And I looked around and everybody had a book and I was like, where the fuck did you get that? I didn't know that they didn't come. You take $500 and you go down there and they'll give you a book. And I asked the guy next to me, I said, where did you get that book? And he goes, I got it from the fucking bookstore. I was like, where's the bookstore?

He's like, it's in Anchorage, the next town over. I really wish that was the first fight you got in. Like, how was I to know? Little Lauren there. A little Lauren did not go back to college for a while after that. Yeah. If you listen out of everyone that was, fuck you today. She beat you.

She hits. You don't. You suck. You're the worst. He's probably one of the pales. Probably the mayor. This is January, whatever, right now, and it's, you know, 60 degrees where she lives. It hasn't been. You haven't seen the sun.

In four months. Sorry. Going in on this guy. He's probably like a decent dude who just was confused. Confused. Who the fuck is Lauren? Or just not listening to this at all. So how did it finally end all that?

The addiction and also what led to you late? When you talked about California, yeah. Right. And how old were you when that happened? I think I was 18. I had my son when I was 17. And when I was 18, I contacted my aunt and uncle who lived in Stockton, California.

And they had four kids that all grew up. They all went to college. Everybody was very successful. They seemed very comfortable. Nobody had any fucking problems as far as I could tell. And I just told him like, I need help. I don't know what I'm doing, but I need to get out of here. And so my son went to go live with my mom.

And I went to California. and they showed me how to enroll in school. I lived with them for one semester. I got straight A's, which blew everybody's mind because I was a high school dropout. I thought I was kind of stupid, and I got straight A's. And it just gave me this little ray of hope where I was like, oh, my God, I could literally be anything I want to be.

You just have to go to school for it. Like, they showed me how to find the bookstore and how to go to class every day. And school became my new obsession where I didn't have a lot of access to drugs. I didn't have any friends to get them for me in California. So you're a compulsive behavior kind of just... Yeah, whatever it is I'm doing, I'm doing it 10010%. And so I did school 110%.

And eventually, you know, Alaska kind of just sucked me back in, called me back home. I mean, I was lonely and like I said, I didn't have any friends in California. And I was still a young kid, and I missed my kid, and I felt guilty about leaving him. And so I went back to Alaska and continued in my addiction for a couple more years. And it just got worse and worse. I was in and out of rehab. I went to detox a few times. I overdosed on cocaine.

I had a seizure, and my friend Aurora actually called the ambulance for me, and they took me the hospital. And I remember laying in the hospital bed, and I was covered in blood, you know, because I've been using needles. And my family was there, and they're just shaking. Like, my mom and my sister were there just shaking their heads at me. And I thought, oh, my God, if you get me out of here, I swear to God, I'll never do another fucking drug as long as I live. And I left the hospital that night, and I was shooting up cocaine within, like, five hours. You know, it was just like I felt like I had no way. out and there were some meetings in town. My mom had actually gotten sober also and she was going

to meetings and I was like, I can take me to a meeting and I had, I had no job. I had nowhere to live. I had pretty much no friends left and I had no hope. And so I showed up at these meetings and I would literally go two, three times a day. I was afraid I was going to die. That was really what it was. I didn't really want to go to meetings really very much. And I was like, all right, if it's this or death, I'm going to go to the meetings. Yeah, yeah. There weren't no cocaine at the meeting at the way. So that was what I did for a couple years. I mean, literally, it went from walking to meetings to buying.

I had, like, this big-ass suburban where the tailpipe dragged on the ground, so I drove that to meetings and then eventually I got a job. And, you know, the job led to more paychecks. I got kind of a better car. Not a great car, but a better car. Tail pop was at least. Yeah, up there. Just real slowly step by step, things started getting better.

And, yeah, the better they got, the more I wanted to go. I love the thinking about the suburban, but the tailpipe was. It was so embarrassing. I used to park it blocks away from meetings. Really? And then I would walk the rest of the way so nobody would see me to go. Yeah, I just was so self-conscious and self-centered. I thought, oh, my God, all these people are judging me.

Oh, they totally were. Everybody was just fucking thinking about themselves. I didn't know those. I'm kidding. One of those old cutlass hoopsies, like those like 78 or 82 cutlasses or whatever. This is like a giant tank of a car. And I was a lawyer at times a public spender. And one of my colleague goes, that looks like one of our client's cars.

That's a drug dealer's car. And I laughed. I go, well, I got it for my brother when he went to... It was a drug. That's awesome. So at what point did you leave Alaska? And why did MMA come before or after that? Yeah, it came after I got sober, but before I left Alaska.

That's right. So I actually did relapse, not ever back on to OxyContin or anything, but started drinking pretty heavily after a few years and stuff. And one day I was at home and I just, I looked at my kid. He was eight by now and we're living together. And I said, you know what? I never got to do martial arts when I was a kid, so you're going to do them. And this is when we had phone books. I literally just like opened the phone book and I was like, martial arts, let's go.

And I picked the first place I saw. And I went with them and I was like, tell you what, I'll do the adult class just to encourage you. So I wouldn't feel alone. And I fucking loved it. Like from the very first class, I was like, this is fucking awesome. Maybe it's not too late for me. Were you really good at it? Yeah.

Yeah, we saw you earlier today. Guys, we went and worked out with Lauren Day. It's something else. Yeah, good Lord. Just immediately, like, the team that was there, I mean, you saw how close everybody is at the lab, you know, today, and just the team that was there and the way that they were living. I was just, I was addicted to that all of a sudden. And I smoked a pack a day at the time, pack of cigarettes a day, and I was drinking. And I quit smoking because I wanted to be good, and I quit drinking.

And it just took awe. Yeah, how long ago was that, that very first? That was seven years ago about, and just the lifestyle for me was such a change. You know, these people at the gym loved and trusted each other. They were helping each other to be better people every day. Like, that was kind of new to me, you know? Right. And just watching myself become a better person and feel better inside and out, that was addicting.

So I gave it 110% just like I did with drugs, just like I did with alcohol. Everybody supports each other and then later bates the fuck out of each other. That's an awesome support group. We humble each other's family. I'll say we kind of do that. Don't tell me your family's never. We kind of do it. It's just emotional.

What about your son? How did he take to it? Did they stick to him? He really didn't like it very much. To be honest, he wasn't a big fan of it. And so I would still bring him to the gym and he kind of grew up watching me, watching me fight. dominate. And I think he's always felt kind of weird about it.

Right. He's scared to sneak out on the way. Yeah. He's a very kid. That's a great kid. Oh, that's great. But he... Was he 16 now?

He's 15. And actually, he just started doing jiu-jitsu again. And he likes it now that he's a little bit older. When he was younger, he was like, what the fuck? Yeah. We don't have any 15-year-old band. You can tell us, is he good? He is good.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I think about when I was 15, I was sneaking out, I was doing it. I was doing drugs. You know, I had a lot of boyfriends doing the whole gambit. And he, like, goes to bed every night. As far as I know, he stays in the house. We've checked on him a couple times, and he's been in bed every time I've looked.

And, like, he gets pretty good grades. He's not doing any drugs. So it's a fucking miracle is what it is. I'm not even sure he's mine to tell you this. Somebody else's, I suppose. So, all right. So you started doing it up there seven years ago in Alaska. At what point, at what point?

At what point did you realize, I mean, I know that you fell in love with it immediately and all that and the passion was there, but at what point did you realize that it could be like a real thing or a ticket out or both or just whatever. I think I could professionally kick the shit. Yeah, for money. Yeah, that's awesome. Well, yeah, well, I started training and they have these local fights that, you know, local MMA fights. Probably everybody's been heard. I had a buddy that did that for a while while with the college at.

And they're fucking cool, man. You think these people that are up in the cage, like, even if they're like... My buddy got to the show. Dude. You know that reality show, the UFC reality show? Yeah, yeah. My buddy, Ian, he was the front one on the poster. Really?

Kickamauga boy. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Huff is crazy. He's jacked his shit, man. He's wild-looking. Have you ever, like, talked to him about his experience on Tuft?

Not in, not in detail. Not a lot because he still trains really hard and, like, you know, our hours are different. Also, also, here's something you should have said about Corey. Everybody, for him. Chikamaga is his buddy. And it has a wild as hell. We had three full classes together, rotor fort together.

I'm apparently like the dad on big fish. I don't know what it's like as an insider, but I just made a joke to Trey that, so in the South a lot of people, like his M. A is blown up, everyone's wearing tap out, every bro you've ever read.

No, he might have been legit. He was in the military and that's where it started. It wasn't that thing that you're talking about. Well, I was just going to say, it seems like everyone, there that we met the day, first of all, it was super nice and super cool.

But, like, everyone I've ever met who told me they did MMA, but they didn't really, was a bag of shit, yeah. That's pretty close to comedy. Yeah, it is. It really is. It's a very basic. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm a comedian. I get on stage, and then you, like, you know, you go, I'm not trying to shut on people.

It was just like, there's so many terrible people attracted. Yeah. Sure. I mean, terrible, like, really selfish, really. You're not offending me by saying this. No, I totally agree. Well, no, y'all were, y'all were, you're like. overly nice.

I'm trying to hear how to explain what I mean in comedy. They're not terrible. They're not all Bill Cosby. That's not what I mean. They're not that kind of terrible person. They're just like the most narcissistic person. Well, yeah. I think it's the difference between like wanting to do it because of some kind of need for attention or to be cool or some kind of something like that versus like a genuine love or passion for it.

Also is the difference with the dudes we met today who were all sincerely so nice, like ridiculously nice. I think that's because like if. you know, that's what I'm saying. If you know I could kick the shit out of this, we don't have to be a dick. You're just like, when you're not around comedians, do you need to be funny?

No. Exactly. Yeah. Well, another piece of that too is that every single person in there has had their ass kick. Sure. Right. Sure.

And like, even though they could, they don't want to fight. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, why would you fight for free if you could get paid to do the same thing? Right.

Especially against. Now that is where comedy differs. If you fight somebody on the street and you know it's an untrained person, and there's really no fun in that. I mean, you know. I don't know. That hit for me pretty good. I really knew what I was doing.

Somebody pissed me off. Just like, all right. Just let me have fun with them for about an hour. Just keep them outside. I think the other time you got to where you really knew what he was doing that, you're going to fade. You're right. You're right.

So, don't force it. But was there like a fight or just an experience or whatever where you're like, wait, I can do this. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. Well, I took my first fight, and I really hadn't trained, you know, looking back now, I'm like, oh, that was dumb as fuck. But, like, when I first started fighting, I took my first fight, I was just going to do one so I could tell my grandkids about it someday.

I was like, this is not a thing I'm going to do, just maybe one to say I did it and kind of overcome some fear. And I knocked her out in 17 seconds. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And the first sudden was you being like, damn, am I really here? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit Holy shit

And then she was on the ground Oh my shit Oh yeah Fuck yeah Fuck we just thought I was like well that doesn't count That wasn't a real fight So I have to do another one

Just like the real experience of it And 15 17 75s Yeah Yeah no it kept Like and I just kept having I found out when I was in the ring I was having so much fun Like to be in the cage with the lights

And all the adrenaline And there's just nothing like it You know, like I've been skydiving and I've been on big roller coasters and I've swam with sharks and Belize and have hiked mine ruins and nothing has ever come close to feeling what it's like to be in the cage with another person and just be like, it's go time. This is do or die. You know, you have to go or you're going to fucking lose. And to me, that was like the same as dying, you know.

I was like either win or die. So after my third fight, I beat a girl that I wasn't supposed to beat. Like, she was supposed to whip my ass. You got, what did you like a last second replacement or something like that? It wasn't last second, but she was like, she was the champion of a promotion, and she held the belt, and she was very proud of herself, and she had a lot of experience. She had been boxing for like, I don't know, five or six or seven years, and I had been boxing for five or six or seven months.

So, like, she wanted to fight, and I was like, okay. But the only reason I said yes, because there was a bunch of people standing around, and I didn't want to talk about me. So otherwise, I probably never would have fought her. Exactly. Not one to look like a pussy. Yeah. It's a lot of people. That's a lot.

Yeah. So my pride got in the way and I was like, all right, fine, we'll fight. And I was terrified. And so I just trained as hard as I could. And, like, the whole time I was like, I'm going to get knocked out. This girl's going to kill me. And I went in, I fucking whipped her ass worse than anybody I've ever fought in my entire life. It was the bloodiest ordeal I've ever been a part of.

On her part, actually, I got him bleed at all. But, like, and I was like, oh, my God, I can do this. Like, I just overcame. one of the biggest fears I've ever had in my life. I felt like 10 feet tall, you know. It just made me want to like... Is it that fight? No, that was in the UFC.

That was my 12th, 11th fight. Okay, because that's the picture my dad sent to me. My dad, so when my dad found out that we might be sparring, I think I told you this earlier, my dad immediately, the first thing he did was started, it Googled you and found pictures of you kicking the shit out of people and just started texting it to him. He just like, oh, yeah, you think this is what you want to do? Comedy's going pretty good, Corey. I think he might want to back out.

don't know about this shit. And then he closed with that picture. It's like, y'all can't obviously see it, but it's just a bloody fucking mess. When you show me that picture, I stopped being worried because then I was like, well, obviously she's not even going to suggest that we spark with it. Right, right, right, right. I think that it was ridiculous. Like if I suggested that I fight my 10-year-old nephew.

Right. So, yeah, we just, I started training and fighting more after that, and I really wanted to go as far as I could with it. I met Joe in the gym. and I just loved him from the day I met him, to be honest. He is adorable. He is adorable. Joe and Aurora are here. A total sweetheart.

They're hanging out. Aurora is who drove her to the hospital a month ago. Joe is her husband who is a love of her life and is somehow like he's one of those cats that's real skinny but ripped and strong like. Like Jesus. Like you ever seen her? Same person. It is. Yeah.

Both aliens. objectively. Joe's the guy, if you're talking about it like a bar, some frat bro would be like, skinny pussy, and then Joe would clearly beat the, I mean, he wouldn't unless he had to. Right, right.

But if he had to, he'd arm bar the shit out of him and then it's like whispering his ear. Maybe lick it, just depending on what it is. Just to piss the guy off. Have you guys seen Joe's ear? No. I was going to, I was going to,

yeah, I was going to actually ask him earlier. I don't know if it's going to be rude. Has that, does that affect your, does that affect your hearing a little bit? Because I noticed... Well, I just noticed... Ever try to dip it in ranch and eat it? It's a lot of time, doesn't it?

It does. Well, I thought a pop chip. It kind of looks like a pop chip. Please don't kick the shit out of me. Does that... Will that ever go away? No, that's it. That's a bad of honor right there.

That's a badger honor right there. Hell yeah. You earn those. Where are you from? For two seconds, the way he said, honor. I thought, oh, shit, Joe's from the South, and I missed it. Yeah. I hate to told us.

from Ted Nugentland I said he I'm saying about you leave Please roundhouse kick him in the fucking That would make Corey's laugh if you did that Geographically where did you meet him at? In Alaska he was stationed there with the air force Good Lord, double bad ass

God now He'd whoop your ass in the air While he's flying Invert his foot up your ass And he actually got We were dating, and like I told you guys, like, I just loved him. He was the best man I'd ever met, and he got stationed in Florida. And I was like, well, you're not leaving without me.

I'm coming with you. You went to Florida in recovery? Mm-hmm. I did. You're brave. That's a roll of the knife right there. I don't want you to say how much that's a hurt story right now. It's a hell of a thing, yeah.

Aurora's mad. Yeah, and I did go to meetings a little bit in Florida, and I just, they weren't the same. You know, in Alaska, I knew everybody. Nothing ever is in Florida. That's my point. That's a good point. I should have known. It was going to be weird as hell in Florida. If I stayed there, I definitely would not be sitting here today. You know the town we lived in Florida? What was it?

In Panama City. We lived like outside Panama City. You guys moved to Alaska but the beach. Cool. You mean outside of Panama City? That could be a lot of things. What exactly was it? Like Destin or like? No, not Destin. It was, I think it was actually Panama. Panama City, but it was, and Panama City Beach is where everybody was... Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Panama City, it looked like a hurricane went through it, and nobody ever fucking bothered to clean it up. Everybody just kept, yeah, everybody just kept throwing snow cones filled with rum on top of it.

Holy shit, everything's falling down and fucking broken. Yeah, it's insane. And it's a hell of a good time. Yeah, and everybody was like really, I mean, you know, and I liked Panama City. We have some good friends there, but a lot of people we met were really uneducated. There was a lot of racism, and we were just shocked. We had this idea. We were going to, like, Miami, you know?

And that's Hell no. Airbrose T-shirt, lamb. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then we go to Alabama for tournaments sometimes.

Boiling hunt. And it just, it was such a culture of shock to me. You know, not just like the fucking boiled peanuts and fried pickles, but just like. Which?

What's your opinion on those? I like boiled peanuts. I'm not a fan of the fried pickles. That's fine. Boiled peanuts, legitimately, my girlfriends, she eat,

I'm not kidding. The big, like, 32-ounce cups. Yeah, yeah. She eats two, like, a day, every day.

I'm not kidding, like, that is her shit. I was like, what the fuck is a bull? She did, dude, shit. She'll be the first show, go, what? Fucky, peanuts are fine. I love peanuts. But what? You said not just fried pickles and boiled peanuts, but what?

Well, I, I don't know, no, no. I don't know. What about the culture shock of that area down there? It was. It wasn't just the food. It was the way people talked about other people. It was the way people brought up their kids. It was the way they fucking drove on the streets.

Like, it was so different than anything I'd ever seen. It was really a culture shock. Right. It was the way they talked about Obama. You know what I mean? Oh, right. Yeah. So, and that just permeated, like, every area.

So I actually didn't go to as many meetings in Florida. I didn't meet people that I really clicked with there, but. And we know nobody in Alaska ever talked shit about Obama. Yeah. Oh, yeah, never with their gun hoarding, doomstay prepping passes up there. Okay. So how long were you all down there? Two years, but I spent a lot of that time in Houston training.

Like, I would just leave Florida and go train at a really good gym in Houston where I had a really good coach. And then Joe separated from the Air Force. He was so tired of it. I mean, they treated him like shit. And he was pretty highly ranked and he worked really hard. And they just didn't treat him very well. And so eventually he got out and they separated.

He got like a whatever separation check. And we were like, all right, let's pick where we could go. We could go anywhere. And we knew I was probably going to be in the U.S. sea and so we looked at some different gyms across the country and I came to Phoenix to just check out the gym here and I just loved it. The team was so good. People were so nice. The city seems pretty cool. The city was pretty cool. The sunsets were gorgeous. The food was good. Here we are. I do have one issue with the city. You guys do realize this is a fucking desert.

No one's supposed to live here, right? Nobody has fucking realized that yet. In fact, they keep expanding. Yeah. I'm building more. Well, I mean, that's such a fucking beautiful story. And then you went pro or were you already pro at that time? I'd actually never had an amateur fight. I didn't know what it was. Oh, right, because you've been paying from the word jump. Yeah, I don't know. Wow, so now it's all of a sudden not anything like comedy.

I didn't know. I wanted to ask something related to that. So I mentioned my buddy earlier, did I actually have a couple friends who were in the military and kind of dabbled in it some for a while, and they sort of got my whole friend group very, very into MMA for a couple years. And, like, I mean, I still enjoy it. but for a while there I watched like every one. But I went from knowing literally nothing about it to just watching it all the time.

So I still don't, you know, still a million things about it. I don't know. But I remember this was back in like, I don't know, oh, 7 to like 2010 or maybe a couple years before that, something like that. But like women's MMA wasn't, I'm not saying it wasn't a thing. I'm saying on the paper views and stuff that I was watching back then, it was not a thing. Yeah. So it seems to me, but basing it just off that, that like, your sort of like rise or joining it or whatever has kind of mirrored or paralleled that of women's MMA period. Like I'm saying, like, right place, right time kind of thing is what I'm saying.

Is there an element of that or am I like way off? No, I think that's totally true. Like when I started training, women weren't allowed in the UFC. There was no women in the UFC. And so it wasn't even a dream of mine to be in it. I didn't even know it was a possibility. And then as it became, as women, you know, trained more and got better and better, people were like, you know, we could probably make some money off of watching these bitches fight.

Like, you're in their underwear and put them in a cage. We have always loved to do that. Yeah. Well, I mean, YouTube fights, like, you know, the most popular ones. Objectively. Just objectively are women. Are the girl fights. Yeah, bum fights.

Not saying it's good. It's not really popular. No, right. Yeah. So if you could get a girl that's like even decent looking. But also homeless. I'll ever fight a homeless girl. Lord bad head.

Rousey, you know, that's like the whole thing. That was a big thing with her. They made her into a star more than before they made her. I mean, in my opinion, I'm not,

she's a good fighter. Until she lost, she was undefeated. I know that, but they really made her into a star. They, they can make anybody a star. The UFC has the ability to literally make a turd a star.

Yeah. But, yeah, Rhonda was something special because she was beautiful, which a lot of female fighters aren't. We're always getting our faces smashed into the mat. We get punched in the head for a living. We don't have time for fucking facials and makeup and stuff like that. But she was naturally very beautiful and very, very skilled.

And so not only was she just smoking all her opponents like they were cheap cigars, she was also easy on the eyes. And that's a star. And she's got a mouth on her, man. So everything she said was a quote. I was at Bar and Brooklyn the first time she lost. Holly Holm? Is that who was?

There were five, six hundred people there. Now, it was a part of the people watched fights. They had a lot of TVs, you know, it was like a thing. But I remember two things. Number one, I remember how queasy I got during the undercard because it was another where the dude went down, and then the guy jumped from five and hit him a few more times. Yeah.

And then they cut it off, and I felt very queasy, and I realized I'm not a man, and I cannot take this violence. And then number two, I remember, like, I was watching. Because I grew up in, for example, I grew up in Tennessee, female basketball, the women's team in Tennessee. That's popular. Men love Pat Summitt. They don't even call her a woman.

They don't say the women's team, they say the balls. They call her Patrick Summit. It's a whole thing. And I was watching. I was curious. And the excitement only built. There was no, like, it was unlike watching the WMBA at a bar, for example.

Sure. Right. So I thought that was really interesting just as an observation. It is. And it's weird in the fight industry because generally women tend to get paid less, maybe not in the UFC necessarily, although it could be true in the UFC, but definitely in the lower promotions, women get paid less, but they're promoted more. So the promoter

will be like, we've got this great women's fight, check out these women fighting, you know, and we'll just pump them up and pump them up, and the crowd gets all amped. But then he's going to turn around and pay less money than the guys, you know, so it's a weird dynamic. Like, even at Rouse's level, I mean, is that, like, because I feel like, I mean, Rouss has a lot of money. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I mean, Rousy made more than I'm sure, I'm sure the, you like the top such and such dudes, but like that's a way, you know. She's a once in a lot.

That's apple. Yeah, that's apples and oranges. No. Right. There you go. She took down the king, but she's not as marketable. The woman, the woman that is the champion right now that beat the woman that beat the woman. Yeah.

She lost. Yeah. So Amanda Nunes is the current champion. Nunes, yeah. She's Brazilian, and she's got a mullet, and she's got huge muscles. Yeah. A bad motherfucker. She's a bad motherfucker.

I watch that fight guy, ma'am. She is. She's probably one of the best fighters in the world, men or women. Oh, without a doubt. But she's not. I mean, Connie McGregor woke that ass. Still, yeah. Do you think that for her in action movies, though? I can imagine a girl with a mullet and big muscles beating the fuck out of a dude.

Yeah. I mean, if they could go back and make that movie in the 80s. Dude, Tarynx had to hit real hot. Tridento. Tarantino would do something with her. Yeah. Hell yeah. This is what I love that, but we are.

Tarantino do something with her, it hit. It was. Turnpino. Fuck him. I do. I know. Yeah, he hits. So earlier,

earlier when we were at the gym, the lab, which is where you train. That's where your whole team trains. Shout out to them. Very kind to us. Very kind, very awesome, sweet gym. And I am hurting right now on account of it. we talked a little bit while we were there about,

because we were watching a lot of the fighters there, like go through drills and stuff after we had done our little kindergarten thing. And we were talking about their process, like pre-fight process, as far as where they walk around that in terms of their weight and whatever, and then cutting, going back up and whatever else, which the shit is crazy if you're not familiar with it. And I was a little bit, but it's still insane. But I think it will be.

blow a lot of people's mind. So can you talk about that some? And also, how much of that do you do, or like, what is your, how do you go about it when you've got one coming up? Tell us which one of us was the best. I will for sure. Don't get embarrassing. Just say which one was the best. Don't then rank after that. That way we can just like guess. You know what I mean? Well, I was the best, of course. No, so the guys that, you know, when you compete, you want to compete at, you want to be the biggest in your weight class. Right.

And so the idea is that you're going to lose as much weight as possible to be the biggest guy at the lowest weight. Right. And so the way guys do that is that they'll start dieting and dieting. I mean, like, it's basically anorexia. It's hardcore dieting where you're just eating, you know, fucking boiled chicken and vegetables. Are they still, like, training throughout that whole? process? How is that? Right. They increase their training. So they're definitely burning more calories than they're taking in. Like an insane amount. The point in starting a lot. Eating your muscle for energy, right? Does that how that works? Like marathon runners?

Yeah. Like the last three miles you're just eating muscle? We'll hit it. Yeah, it's like ketosis, I think, where your body's processing. Sure, we can pretend I know about that. I did that a couple times. And I'm sure guys do hit that. You know, there's like a million different diets out there now and dietitians that have started. kind of making their way through the MMA game just to help MMA athletes. And the guys that are, like, new on the scene right now are making a lot of money. And they're basically just, you know, eat balanced. Right. Healthy portions, which is fucking common sense. Right.

But all the spiders are like, I don't have to have time for this. Right. Just tell me what to eat. So they do. Well, I don't one of the dudes just ask one of the dudes, hey, what'd that motherfucker say? Awesome. I ain't paying him shit. Oh, we do, yeah.

Okay, I was about saying, that's how I do that. Like, once the secrets out, Doc, you're fuck, man. You know what I mean? Send me some of those recipes. And then as the fight gets closer, they eat less and less. And so they'll start, it's called water loading, where you're drinking, you know, like two gallons of water a day in preparation to sweat it all out. And the other thing that they do is they cut sodium completely out of their diet. Okay, well, I'm out.

Yeah, that's what did it. That was a strong. It was. I was thinking about getting starting to hang. I understand you drink a lot of water and then you shed that. But if you don't. How does that help you lose extra weight? It's like you're gaining weight to lose it.

Because your body gets used to expelling that amount of water. And so when you sweat it out 48 hours, 24 to 48 hours before you get on the scale, your body's still expelling that amount of water without you taking it in anymore. It's something like a medical condition. It probably is, yeah. You literally, well, I mean, honestly, you kind of like genetically mutate yourself. Like, you turn your body into start working for you. It's very good.

Yeah. Like, at a point you go, okay, now you know the deal. Your body just starts fucking doing it. That's insane. Well, and then, okay, so they do. They drink all the water, and then they stop and, you know, cut all the water weight out, and then they go and weigh in, right? And so, let's say they're weighing in it, you know, 185 or whatever, which is that middle weight? What is that?

185 is that way. For men, yeah. So let's say they're waiting at 185. The minute after the way in, right? So they have a 24-hour window between that and when the fight starts. Yeah. So they'll wait in at noon on Thursday. and fight at noon on Friday.

And in that 24-hour window, how much weight will they put back on typically? I'm on average, I guess, for a fighter of that weight class. I would say on average, 25 pounds. That's insane. How? In the day. Water and meat and it just stays on?

Yeah, so when the guy gets on the scale, he hasn't had any water in probably 24 hours. He's been, usually they'll get into a hot bath or a sauna to make their body continue to sweat. Even more, they'll put salt in the bath or alcohol. How do people not fight? I know, man. Some people do, and if you faint and the commission catches you, you're not allowed to fight. So, if you faint, make sure you faint away from the officers.

But yes, when they get on the scale, they haven't had a real meal in a long time. They haven't had any salt. They're probably starving and they're very, very dehydrated, which, of course, is really bad for your brain, right? All the fluid around your brain. And then they're still talking shit, though. Yeah, they're still sitting there talking shit. Yeah. Yeah, they're not actually.

Yeah, they're not even really. mad at each other, they're just fucking starving. Yeah. Yeah, it'll make you crazy. You why can't eat, God damn it. Yeah. I don't know you got an egg. I saw you eating some broccoli earlier. So the two guys in the ring at 185, probably both in reality way, like 205. 205, 2.05. Jesus Christ, man.

Yeah, and so the smaller you are, you know, it's like a percentage of your body weight. So the smaller you are, the less weight you're probably going to lose. Because a guy that, you know, fights at 125, he's not going to. lose 25 pounds. That's like a quarter or, you know, fifth of his body weight or whatever. So generally, the smaller guys tend to lose less. You don't have to be good of math. We don't have to.

Okay, so how does that, well, again, that is fucking crazy to plebs like us, and I think a lot of people, too, but how does that differ for you? How do you, how's that whole process work for you? Well, in the UFC right now, there's only two weight classes for women. So somebody my size is kind of in luck I'm pretty close to the weight class that they allow for me Which is 135 and I walk around at about 150 So when I diet and I train

My weight goes down to maybe like 143 And then I'll do a sodium cut be at 139 or 138 And then just sweat out like three pounds Which really isn't that much for me You know I'll feel pretty good the day of weighings And even have like coffee and taking a shit is the big thing So I would imagine You get all dehydrated, you can't poop

And so guys are like, like a really common question after Williams is like, have you pooped yet, man? Hey man, you've been able to take a shit yet. You know, like if you can, that means you're probably rehydrated. Right for us to take a shit before we go out. Yeah. Right. And, but, you know, for some of the women at the smaller weight class, which is 115, some of them are almost my size. And those women are cutting like 25 pounds, which is, you know, for women, it's even harder.

I don't know, we store more fat. We have different hormones, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is that the third characteristic you were describing? That's a very scientific term, too. It sounds like what science has said about women. And, you know, blah-b-de-blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then we burn them out. That's how my dad describes mom.

Women will stop getting their periods. It's just terrible. Oh, right, like bloating and stuff. Bloading, but also if you don't have enough, like, if you don't have enough nutrients in your body, your body just holds on to everything, including your period. So women will stop getting their periods. What?

Like when they're in camp. Yeah. Holy shit. You have to have a certain amount of fat on your body to get a period. And women that are cutting a lot of weight consistently, it's called a manorrhea, I think. And, yeah, they'll stop getting their period for whatever amount of time until they have enough fat on their body for their body to go, all right, you got enough fat to carry a baby. I'm sorry. You've already said that it's compulsive in whatever else.

And believe me, there's a lot of shit about comedian. that makes us fucked up. But like, don't you think there's a little bit of a level of insanity to you guys that you fucking put yourselves through that? Like, there has to be. There is, yeah. Because that shit is nuts, man. I mean, in an impressive way.

Oh, yeah, for sure. It's very, very impressive, the willpower and determination and stuff that takes. But, like, God, damn, that shit is, wow. I made that comment. I wish our fans could see the hush and faces in the room just now. When you described that, we were all just like, open mouth, white-eye. I was texting Amber. Hey, baby.

So, yeah, you guys are a little nuts, I think, but in a good way. Yeah. Well, I want to, we don't have a lot of time left for me. Everybody go to a show. I don't want to take a turn here, shift gears a little bit. You discover trade, discovered the rest of us because you're interested in common politics. I want to talk to you a little bit about that. You've touched on a little bit.

You talk about moving south, the way people have talked about Barack Obama. it would be it would be unaware if I didn't ask you so what's up we're day six of Trump day seven how you feeling I don't have a good feeling about it I was just like I on Facebook I had to stop making political posts because I was just deleting

everybody like it was like everybody on my friends list is racist and kind of dumb and these were people that like I like go hand to hand you know and so I quit making political post but today I put up one and I was just like, can somebody please explain to me how they still believe in Trump if he's, you know, he said that Mexico's going to pay for this wall. Well, now it's not Mexico. Now we're going to pay for this wall, you know?

Doesn't that bother you? What about all these, like, gags and restrictions that he's putting on all these agencies like the EPA? I just saw a tweet from the Associated Press that said that any statistics or data that they come up with from their studies is going to have to be run through a political group before they can release it. That's crazy to me. Just the Sean Spicer getting out there and giving his fucking alternative facts. What the fuck is an alternative fact? And how are people still supporting this? Ask that demon Kelly Ann Conway.

Oh, listen, it's crazy. Here's how evil Kelly Ann Conway is. I can call her a demon. And our very liberal female fans are like, no, that's fine. Yeah, it's okay. You could call her a cunt if you want to shit. I did. I called her at the last show.

We did. I called her an alternative cunt. I said, what did you feel like her? And, trust me. Trust me. We get held all the time. Oh, yeah. We posted a, like, literally, you can get, I posted a picture of my food the other day,

and somebody was like, really, on the day of the Women's March, you're going to post a picture of your food. And I was like, I cooked it for my fucking girlfriend while she was resting on the cat. But, like, I said that about Kellyanne and literally everybody was like, yes, absolutely. So she's a different breed. So, yeah, it's just, it's been crazy. And I almost, like, part of me wants to just look away, and part of me feels like it's my responsibility not to. Right. I'm kind of stuck in a weird spot, you know, but, man, just trying to teach my kid to do the right thing, I guess.

Like, it's the best I can do, because clearly you're not fucking changing anybody's mind out there. Do you have any issues or do you deal with, like, and if you can't talk about that, but like, do your sponsors give a shit about you being political? Is that something you worry about in the future as your profile rises? No, you know, like the owners of the UFC, well, like Dana White is very conservative. He spoke at the, yeah, he spoke at the Republican. national convention. Yeah. Everyone hit that guy in the head for us.

But to me, I don't think Dana White gives a fuck about me. So I think if I speak my mind. And I kind of made this decision. And it goes with MMA. Like, I had to stop giving a fuck what people thought of me because MMA fans. And I don't know if it's like this for all sports. Maybe you guys can fill me in.

But fuck, it's like they're MMA fans, but they hate the fighters. No, that is exactly sports. Yeah, all the time they're like, you fucking suck. You're no good. Women shouldn't fight. You suck. Like, just that's just that. and we're constantly just like,

God damn, I swear to God, we ain't worth a fuck. College football, yeah. We ain't worth the shit. You know, and that makes 18, 19 year olds and these like grown men are telling them to fucking kill themselves or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

Because they missed a tackle or shit like that. So, I mean, yes. That's absolutely a thing. At some point, I had to get this attitude, like, I don't give a shit. I don't care for anybody thinks. I'm going to say what I think. Heard that.

I can't, you know, afford to give a fuck. Because they wouldn't say that to you. Like, they type that. They wouldn't say that's not just because of who you are, but because of who they are. I really feel most of them are decent enough to not be like, fuck you, you're the worst. Yeah, I mean, it's like, it's not real to them, so they don't realize, you know what I mean?

Joe and I talk about that all the time. We're like, man, there's people out there that think the dinosaurs never existed, that think the fucking earth is flat, that think gay people shouldn't be married, and every single one of those fuckers has a Twitter account, and they're talking, you know? They're probably tweeting at me right now. I've got a bit about that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, all right, we are about to have to get out of here soon. I want to give you, I want to ask, though, what you've got coming up, and it's my guy.

little complicated because of when we're releasing I don't know we have a general idea but so what what do you got coming up when's your next fight or whatever or just anything else at all you want to plug or talk about that we haven't talked about yeah well first of all thanks a lot for having me on this has been like an honor and a pleasure for me I'm going to adore you guys yeah great but I don't know when I'm fighting again you know and that's another thing about the UFC is like they want really beautiful women to fight and I've never been considered really beautiful so it's hard for me to get a fight

Who gets to judge that? But I don't, you know, I don't know. So I started picking a fight on Twitter with a girl. And I would never normally do that. I've literally never done it. But I was like, fuck this. Like, we're going to fight. And so hopefully I'm going to fight in Buffalo, New York on April 8th.

That is my hope. Put it out to the universe. Come. If you're fighting. If that happens. If that happens. Buffalo a week, not us, but I'm going to be there a week. Damn it.

Just stay. Stay in Buffalo. Never thought I'd do that. I've never even been there, so I don't know if I'm damning you. It's probably better in April than it was. We were there and up, yeah, it was brutally cold and snow everywhere, but I'm sure it's got its charms. I have one more question, and sorry to go existential,

but it's kind of who I am. It is. Lord, I can't believe it's taken until now. You've talked about, well, I thought of it in the first five minutes that makes you feel better. And you've been dwelling on it. He's been on it. Oh, okay.

Because we've gotten to this point. So you do an MMA, and you have. You haven't said you're addicted to it. You talk about replacing your compulsion. This obviously can't last forever. No matter how great you get, your body will eventually become where you can't fight. Have you thought about what's next at all? Do you feel like you're going to have to replace it with something?

I think naturally my personality will, without my consent, probably, if it was something. It could be anything. I might go back to school. I never did graduate college, and so it could be school. I might get addicted to being the best wife I could possibly be. I was like. I'd have what I'm

I you know Maybe maybe I'll have another baby Maybe I'll get addicted to traveling the world Like it really could be anything But whatever's ahead of me We're going to do it 110% And like The more I fight

And this sounds so weird But the more I fight the more at peace I am And the more permanent that becomes And so like just little things like Like that was a Dick Cheney quote Actually George Bush You fight once You fool me

Like, yeah, the more I fight, the more I just am more comfortable in my own skin. So you're mellowing out? Mm-hmm. I think so. And part of it's probably getting older also. We talk about that sometimes. Maybe a little more mature. I don't know.

We might have to. We won't get older. Oh, you won't. You'll die. I don't know what it is, but it's going to be good. Whatever it is. Hell yeah. That's great.

I sincerely think it's great that you haven't dwelt on it. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. I think I'm going to start fighting. Yeah, do it. Well, let's go do the show. Hopefully you like to do. Hold on, you didn't say who was the best today.

I do want to know. I did. I said I was. Well, beside you, of the three, who was the least embarrassing. Okay. Did you guys ever see the Boondock Saints? Yeah. Yeah, and they call their mom and they want to know who's born first.

Yeah. And she says the one that was born first is the one that has the biggest dick. And so you guys can figure it out. All right. All right. Okay. That is hilarious. One of my favorite.

All right. All right. Well, Lauren, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure. Thanks, Lauren. No, thank you guys so much. All right. we gotta go

well well