wellRED podcast - #69 - Corey Wants to Watch Michael Fassbender Get Shaved or (Cornbread & Buttsex)

Episode Date: May 29, 2018

Skeeeeeeew! It's the last episode before the CHO gets married and it was SOOOOO much fun! We talk about the shelf life of stand up bits vs. Sketches, How Trae and Corey Tickle each other, Morgan Freeman, and the colors of food! wellredcomedy.com for tickets to shows

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore, Rocket Money will help you cancel it.

Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create, custom budgets based on your past spending. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.

I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney. dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.

They're the here comes the show. Here comes the show. What's up everybody? It's your boy the thuggish-ruggish chow. That was me celebrating the fact that I'm, this is the last podcast until I am married. So that's, what are you doing, buddy? Come back here. This is very exciting.

So I'm not saying that there's not going to be a podcast next week. I'm not saying that because we, who knows, we may do a lot of podcasts from my wedding. But next Wednesday I will be laying my fat ass on the beach on my honeymoon. So it's very possible that next week will be the first week in, I think, 70 weeks that we will not have a podcast. But then I'll bring you one the next week. but if you know me, the fact that I've done something 70 weeks in a row, I mean, this had to end at some point, but I'm pretty goddamn proud of myself. Anyways, well-readcom, W-E-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com.

That's where you can get tickets and t-shirts and subscribe to our newsletter. When I get back from my honeymoon, we're going to Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Honolulu, Hawaii, all sorts of places. Just go to well-red comedy.com. Spelled just like the podcast. And check it out. portion of the podcast as always is brought to you by smokyboys grilling.com. Go to smokyboys grilling.com. Pick up some hog rub, some beef rub, a t-shirt, whatever they got on there,

send the guys some love and tell them we sent you in skew and all that good stuff. Anyways, this podcast right here was recorded in Huntsville, Alabama, and we had an absolute, this is one of the most fun I've ever had doing one of our podcasts. I laughed my fucking ass off and I had a blast. So y'all enjoy it. And I'll see you guys after my honeymoon. ski well well I did that

I didn't I'm nothing hits I don't hit I'm full of shit I can't come unless I'm crying That's how I'm crying

I love it That's a new theme song I can't come unless I'm crying I've been That's a good gypsy speed boat Yeah for sure I've been wondering We need to have

I want to do a theme song For when we you know, repurpose this for Red CRED, which should be... Red State Blues. Red State Blues, yeah. This is going to go off about a hit. For sure.

Well, I ain't going to just do something and put it on there without talking to you. I don't think. I know, that's Raven. But I want to do like a Statler Brothers type theme song. You know what I mean? Like with some harmony and stuff.

Oh, yeah. I thought you meant... You know they have an album as a fake band. Yes, it's called... fuck what is it i bought it and then lost it yeah no no i saw it at a record store i didn't i thought this has to be a joke and the way their outfits looked and you know i don't really be they was all wearing nudie suits and shit wasn't they all wearing nudie suits and stuff not they look like old boys one of them had a shirt to hit him right in the middle of his belly yeah they went

to other way yeah because the and i bought it it it was live at the something high school yeah and i don't remember the name of the band either it was the high school and i bought it and i listened to it like three times it was so funny i'm fairly certain that it was named after the actual high school that two of them went to or some shit like that. But, yeah, I looked it up like... So because of that, when you said, we weren't doing some Stattler Brothers shit, I was like, yeah, gypsy Speedbo. But now I know, you mean harmony.

Yeah, because it's inspired by the... You know, the one now is it's well, well, well, red, but it's Andy, but I want to be... I'm going to hire some folks. You remember that one we batted around for a little while? Which one was it? I mean, I'm going to try it. I'm probably going to fuck it up, but it was something like... Well, my other trucks appeared.

I don't care for Jesus. I support both the troops and the queers. And the queer. If you don't believe us, then baby, come see us. We'll bake you a quiche and pound bears. Where the liberal rednecks we like cornbread and butt sex. I don't remember being apprised of this possibility. I believe we was drunk.

Sounds like we was. We didn't make this the theme. There was more to it than that. After that, it was something like, God damn it, we'd be number one. one in everyone's hearts. We care too much, but yet don't give a fuck. We're the liberal rednecks.

That makes some people upset, but we got three big old dicks like you can suck. Yeah, it's just two big ones. Yeah, I believe it was, if I'm not mistaken, we was just on one. Yeah. And clearly I was asleep, which also checks out. Right, yeah. I'm furious that y'all didn't bring this up because, by the way, that whole... I think we're just now remembering it.

Andy Harmonizing? Yeah. literally all that is is I strummed a G-cord and I told her just hit these notes saying well over and over again and she did and then we went red and that was end of it. It took no effort. It took no planning. It was just like, well, we have a thing now. I think what happened with that was yes, we were drunk and hit and then I feel like it was one of those deals where it's like we'll have to do that. We're going to find a studio and like a banjo player.

You could have recorded it right into this. Matter of fact, what you just did should just be the intro. This right here, this whole three minutes might just be the intro to every episode. So here we are. Here we are. Huntsville, Alabama at the Comedy Condo. It's not a condo at all. It's a goddamn palatial mansion by Comedy Condo standards.

Cornbread and butt sex. That's in my head now, man. It's earwormy. Yeah. Cornbread and buttes. We were writing it. I looked at Corrin. I said, that's the number one record.

That's a chart. You don't say, you looked at Corey and said the thing I just did will change the world. Yeah, I did. Yeah. But anyway, is this, y'all, is there, you think there's a comedy condo? I keep saying comedy condo because that's the term. This is not a condo. The house and there's one to rival this.

Yes, Denver. Denver, right? Yeah. Which that's its own thing. It's cooler and like hit, wait and like hipper and shit because it's like a lofty apartment and it's art on the walls and stuff. It's been there for a while. Corey broke to art.

We've already said that on the phone. We have. And this is like a house in suburban Huntsville, but I mean, but it's fucking nice, though. It is nice. It's very new, by the way, which is why. The neighbor was just like blowing his leaves earlier, leaf blowing. When you drive into this neighborhood, there's a sign that says loud car stereo is unlawful. Jesus Christ.

Well, I'm going to burn the neighbor's house down. uh well how how's it going boys well it's all right we came in separately for this one we already went i flew into tennessee yesterday with my entire family because this is the start of a two-week homecoming trip for me they're at grandma's house right now my wife i drove down here two hours away next weekend my sister's going to keep them while we go to your wedding yeah and after that we're going out on a houseboat on del hall lake in my hometown will hit flying back to l-a so that's going to be sweet i'm going to bono roo after we go to weekend after Corey's wedding in spite of me saying that I would not go until they booked us.

And I am. But I'll be on my honeymoon in Port St. Lucia. Drunk. Port St. Lucia sounds like what you're going to drink. And the girl Amber's going to leave you for. Yeah, Port and St. Lucia. Yeah. Well, I just wanted, you know, I don't know one gives a shit, but Brian wanted to go to Bonner.

I've been trying to give him to go to Bonneroo for years. And he finally was like, let's go to Bonner. Brian, don't give a fuck about your silly protests. literally laughed at me. He said, what are you talking about? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. I mean, he ain't wrong. And then he goes, and then he said, I think he said something like, stop being a fucking pussy.

We're going to Byron Roo. Right. Which is Raven, because that's what I've said to him like seven times before. And he didn't because he had to take a shit. He probably had something responsible to do. He's actually a pretty responsible person. He knows.

That's why when he gets away from his responsibilities, he goes full brine. He's got 20 hours by God. Right. You know what I mean? And he gets every lick in that he can get. So, yes. I just had a couple things in mind I figured we could talk about

and since it seems like, you know, it's not just organically happening. We'll just start on one of them. Here we go. Every stand-up comedian knows that it's talked about, and we've talked about plenty, how if you're a musician right and you write a great song, people want to hear that song for the rest of their lives. But if you're a great, if you're a comedian and you write a truly great joke, they want to hear it. Maybe a couple times.

Maximum, two or three times. Unless it's a story. Well, I was about to say. But you still won't want to hear it every day. But you know what's not. You know what's not. You know what's weirdly not like that? Sketches.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. People will absolutely rewatch sketches that hit for them over and over. Even though you know their friends like years. Yeah, you know, you know the game of the sketches. You know, you know. Let me say this. Why is it different?

If I do revisit a stand-up thing, it's a longer bit, usually. Not just a joke, like a set-up punch. Right. Set-up punch, the biggest part of it is the surprise. So once you know that, you're not laughing anymore. But with a story joke and with a sketch, because it is a story, usually, right? It's like, I think that's part of it. Because I think that's what it is with a song.

It's like you keep hearing the same story. Hell, we've heard the same stories our whole lives. You don't ever get tired of those. Yeah, even when you. you know the beats. So my point is I don't think people still want the jokes from the sketch. It's just that they still want the story. That's what I just came up with just now in 30 seconds.

I don't know. I mean, I feel like a lot of great sketches, there's not, I feel like there really isn't much of a story per se to them. Like the fucking cowbell sketch, you know? I know. Like, that ain't a story. No, there's a story there. But it's music.

And there's a story there. Who is this guy? What is he doing? And also, that's a real song that really has a cowboy in it. So the story is like... That's a bad example because it has to do with music. Every sketch that I think of... Rick James, Prants.

Every sketch I can think of that I rewatch, all has something to do with music. There might be something there. And stories. Most of them. All right, well, what about the black white supremacist? I mean, it's literally a parody of a nightline story. I think there's just world beaters.

And, like, with stand-up, too, like, there's certain bits I absolutely could listen to all the time. You know what I'm saying? Like, okay, and this isn't even like one of the greats. It's just a street job. How many times have I made you tell me that little Johnny joke about him getting shit for Christmas? Yeah. I've made you tell me that five times. I've thought about it a shit ton. I've done it for myself. Yeah. So I don't know, man. Maybe it's, but I still, you're 100% correct.

It's just weird. It's a big part of common. For sure, right. It's a magical wisdom is once that's gone, the allures. It's like knowing how a magician does the trick. But think of Ron White and him getting people screaming Tater salad at him. If he did all his old jokes, people would hate that. Yeah, but just that. But just that one, they want him to do it. So I think it's like a mix, maybe, of, I guess what I'm saying is that old adage, you can't do the same joke. I don't think it's true.

You just can't do all the same jokes. All the same jokes, right. What Seinfeld was talking about it, and he was talking about truly great bits. He wasn't saying, like, all of them. Like, I don't want to just see the same act over and ever, but he's like, he said a truly great bit to me is kind of like a great song. Like, I like the beats of it. I like the movement.

I think he used the term phraseology. I love when certain words go together because to me that is like a song. You're hearing it. There's a melody to it. And of course, people like Seinfeld do see things a little bit differently. I was going to say, Seinfeld's one of the biggest comedy nerds that's ever walked to face of the earth.

I feel like regular people can get that with music, but only comedy nerds get what he's talking about with jokes. Yeah. I mean, I get that, I get that too, but like... And Tater Salad's one of the few that I know that people like my dad. Like, I want to listen to certain Louis C.K. bits all the time. because I'm like, that was so goddamn good.

But my dad, like, the only one that he would be like, yeah, Tater Sal, I could listen to that all the time. He's not a comedy nerd. He's just, that's a good, goddamn bit. Right. In Raven News, a theory I created on the spot and have no faith in at all, I'm suddenly just like, well, by God, prove me wrong. Yeah.

I think the story thing is, like, you guys haven't, like, what's one that's not a story, like a sketch that's not a story that people keep going back to? Okay. I don't think it hits for either of y'all as much as, it hits for me, but it hit for a whole lot of people and was one of the most popular ones. So the widest kids you know, right, that sketch

group. That's actually why I brought this up. I heard him talking on Chris Hardwick's podcast recently about, I say him, Trevor Moore, sort of the main guy. Curly headed dude? He had longer hair back then. Was he the one that had to keep his mouth really wide? Yes, yeah, yeah. God damn, I love that sketch. Right, okay.

That's the one I was going to bring up. But hang on. First of all, in this interview, he was talking about how they tour sometimes. They do live shows as the wise kids you know and he was talking about how like yeah we can we'll mix in some new sketches every now and then but people really they really want to see the hits you know what i mean they want to see our popular our fans want to see the sketches that they love and hardwick was like wow that's really weird because like it's usually the opposite for stand-up or whatever and that just got me thinking about it but anyway to answer your question i mean i don't think they're that

the sketch we're talking about is this sketch that they did called the mouth wide thing well there's a little bit of a story there. Happier with your mouth. Happier and with your mouth open is the name of the scale. But there's murder. Not really. He's literally repeating what happened there over and over again. He's telling the same story over and over again with a wider mouth.

It ain't got nothing to do with a joke. All right, but let me give you different one. The balls one. There's no story there. It's just the same joke over and over again, which is that you got balls in different places. You know that one where you keep zipping your balls up, but sometimes you got your balls under your neck and you zip it up in the shirt?

Right, yes. They also have one where you do the jackoff motion, but very slowly. It's also hilarious. Now, that one is not a story. Right. That one I can talk to you about. Do people request that one over and over again? Also, how do you do that live?

And the reason, it's just one joke. That's my point. The, you know what? The mouth wider and happier thing, you can do it different every time, too. You can tag it, change it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I just, like, and again, you're right, it's a thing that you just came off the top of your head with and now we're like debating it and I'm trying to think of good examples. I'm not saying that that isn't a part of it.

I'm just saying I don't think that that's like the thing that explains it. Well, let me say. People like to rewatch movies. Hold on. A sketch is just like a small, a short movie. Which is a story. But hold on, let me say, I came up off the top of my head this about sketches. I've actually thought this a lot about stand-up because I noticed with Ron White and certain people who get the machine.

request the machine. That is a movie. Every time... That's a 12-minute movie. So the first time I thought of this, I saw Bert talking about people requesting the machine, and I was like, oh, wait.

Ron White talked about people requesting Tater Salad. And in my head, I just went, oh, it's a story. And then I just moved on. I was like, if it's a long story, people will request it, even though they won't request a joke. So when I'm saying,

I just came up with it off the top of my head, I mean applying it to sketches. Right. I mean, I feel like some of those celebrity Jeopardy sketches are all-timers that people love for forever. And there's a very clear format there that they're repeating and reusing. But, like, Jeopardy don't tell a story. You're right.

You're right. It's a game show. Although, I don't know if I've ever rewatch those, but I'm assuming people do. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Me included. The one with Bert Reynolds, it's the first time he's ever Tard Ferguson. Yeah, it's a funny hat.

Way too big, man. Tert Ferguson. God damn. I mean, I think you're on to something with the stories. I'm just saying, I think there's also examples that don't. I think there's things that don't. There's gray areas, but I think for the most part, that explains that. Let me say this.

The widest kid you know, the slowjack, I just about guarantee unless they really make an effort to make it different. If people request that and they do it, people laugh and then they're like, oh, yeah, we'll remember this and then they're kind of over it. Whereas with. They might not request it again. Mouth wider and happier again. they can change that up. They can go full on with it. Different sentences, just the same structure, just different words.

Right. I probably cut you off. I feel like you started to explain that and then we just didn't. So if anyone's never seen that sketch. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know. There's a sketchwise kids you know called Happier and With Your Mouth More Open, where it's a sketch that takes place on the set of a fictional like law and order type show

and the director of the show keeps coming out to tell the actors who are cops at a murder scene, he keeps coming out to give them direction because it's just not working. Their performances just aren't working. And literally the only direction he gives them every single time. He tells the one dude, you're great. You're murdering it. And he tells the other dude, you need to be happier.

Yeah, yeah. Just do it. Let's try this. Just happier and with your mouth open. And then by the end of it, he's like way, way happier mouth way open. I'm feeling it. This is a take. Let's go.

So by the end of it, the guy's just like, yeah! It is a funny fucking series. It's hilarious. But he's repeating a grisly murder scene. You know what? Telling his boss what his theory is on how this dude was brutally murdered. It's physical comedy, too.

Sure. It's physical comedy. Like, you can watch, like, there's some sketches you, if it's just like a very wordy, just dialogue, and that's the whole sketch, you might not do it. But, like, you see Chris, or Chris Farley as Matt Foley falling over into the table. You know what I'm saying? That's physically funny.

He's got a lot of movements. Those are, even though you know he's about to go, and I live in a van, that's still physically hilarious. And that sketch is very, when he's got his mouth. So it's not, you know what I mean?

You couldn't just listen to that. You've got to see it. Right. So that might be something too. Like a comedy, a joke, you're hearing it, that's it, whatever. But if it's a bit that's like, a dang, okay,

Dane Cook, for example, that bit we talked about a couple weeks ago on the podcast, the, I tried my best. He's so physical and acts it out so well in that, that, like, I do like rewatching that. because it's entertaining to seem to it. Well, again, I mean, dude, there's plenty of bits I could name that I love to rewatch,

but I know that I'm a comedy nerd. So, like, I feel, and I just, most people, I think, pretty much don't ever do that, except with just like a couple of... I think it's a physicality thing for a lot. I also think that there's way more to great bits than surprise, but when you remove surprise from, you know, even a really good bit, obviously a lot is gone. A great bit has...

It's never the same as the first half. you see it. No matter. But with something like Tater Salad, yeah, the surprise is gone, but there's still a lot there, man. It's, dude, it's poetry.

Yeah. The way he tells that God, and there's, he's not a physical guy, but his timing is so fucking amazing that I in the world. Him and Bugs Bunny, two best, I'm serious.

Demon Bugs Bunny, best timing in the world. But like the way he tells that, just hearing him draw his work. I like watching his mouth. I like just, you know what I mean? I like,

Seeing him do it. It has to be him. I love. Because seeing anyone tell that story, even if they did it word for word kind of cadence. Like, it's not, okay, whatever, but like him. He says an Andy Griffith. He does. He does.

Wow. What it was. What he's, what it was? What it was? What it was hammered? Pekon Pye. Oh, wow. Okay.

Have we talked on here? It's my best, Andy Griffith. Have we talked on here about. Honestly, didn't know which one you were doing. You said pecan pie. That could be either of it. about Portland and the cookies No

I've talked to that lady twice Because I was like You guys you about killed us She did it on purpose I know You reminded me of it just now Because you were talking about You like to watch Ron White's mouth

Yeah And it reminded me of Us watching Rory We watched a clip Well We might maybe it was two consecutive nights Either way we were high as hell Both nights

That's the highest I've ever been in my life We watched the clip We watched the basement clip From In glorious Bastards We watched the entire basement scene. Yeah. And one of my all-time favorite movie scenes and Fastbenders in it.

And me and we started talking about how it's just like how awesome he is. It was just like, dude, just look at him. Not even just like gay. I just really appreciate this man. What did I say? I really appreciate it. And you were like, dude, I know exactly what you mean? Like, I've sincerely had the, you know how I put it?

I thought before sincerely like, I'd like to watch him get shaved. With a straight razor. with a straight razor in a barbershop. I would. Yeah, just a dapper motherfucker. I do what you meant. Do you think that comes from the scene in Tombstone where Doc Holliday is getting shaved? Maybe.

Intro into the movie because I think there's a lot of scenes. That's a trope, man. Sure. A badass getting shaved with a straight razor. But that's the only example I could think of where you meet the character there. You don't meet him there. You meet him when he's playing and he's gambling with Frank Stallone. And he's sitting there and he's got the car.

But that's his second. That's his most badass entering a scene. Which is why I remember. And he's sitting there and he goes, well, I guess I'll have to call. That's his first lines in the movie. Yeah. You're right. But yeah, that's what, Corey said.

I mean, dude, yes, I'm certain that's where that came from. Probably. It's exactly that trope. Exactly that trope of a badass getting shaved with a straight razor. Corey saw Fastbler's like, I want him in that situation. And you know what? Wood hip like a motherfucker. But I'd also like to just see him eat a peach.

Like anything. I just want this dude, man. Like when he's sitting there and he goes from German to when he gets caught and he goes, well, oh, boy, if this is going to be the last time, I hope you don't mind if I do it. Go out speaking the kings. Go out speaking the kings. I love that.

He did some of his fingers and he lit a cigarette and just the way. He's so smooth. Man, it was like, it's unreal. God, damn. It's butter. It's butter, shave. That's what I'm saying. It's all there.

It's silk, baby. God, I'm a bull-fuck that man. There it is. There it is. There it is. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to name this episode.

I'm going to butt-fuck Michael Passbender. Is that that night or was that the never name an episode what you say you're going to name it? He's done it before. Whiskey Wainers and Gold, I know for a fact. Matter of fact, that, if you remember, it wasn't named that originally. You went back and did it. I went back to somebody pointed out.

I was like, you know, you said you was going to, I say this during it. You say it almost every episode. Because I don't be listening to the motherfucker. By the time it gets to it, I'll forget. Half the time, and y'all know this, I have to text y'all go, hey, what's three things that we talked about? So I had around this episode and y'all be like this, this and on that. And I was like, oh, fuck, whiskey winters and gold.

How did I mess that up? Was that the same night or was that two consecutive nights? That was high? No, that was the same night. Okay, so that night, dog. So, yeah. I'll tell you why, we did that and then you go, I go, oh, let's watch Sicario. Yeah.

The weed ain't kicked in yet. Bad, it ain't kicked in bad. You're right. We started to watch Sicario and I ain't going to start it off. We had to turn it off because it kicked in so hard. Dude, you hadn't even got Benicio ain't even showed up yet. Josh Bro and Amy. If you ever seen Sicario, you know the opening scene of that movie.

is wild ass fuck and right in the middle and I'd seen it before but Corey Hatton I knew it was coming but still it was weed we had eaten we had split one weed cookie

Alabama high test that a lady in Portland brought us to the show and so yeah this happens and we had to turn Sicario off because it was too heavy and too wild and we put on

we're like let's just watch some stand-up or something see how that goes we put on Rory Scovel's stand-up special which we both we have both seen but I've not Roy Scobble try a stand-up for the first time. One of the greatest specials I've ever seen in my life. We have both seen it.

We're just like, let's put it on and see what happens. Because, like, we're clearly taking a trip right now. Yeah. See where it goes. And, dude, we've laid in that bed. I tickled you for a while. You did tickle me. At one point, I just started two grown men in a bed in Portland together.

I'm just like tickling you. Your legs are in the air kicking and shit. We're just giggling. This is tooting our own horn, but one of the hardest I've ever laughed listening to the podcast. is when you and Katie were talking. Oh, yeah. There was a lull for a second, and you came in, you go, I tickled Cori. I forgot that I did that, yeah.

Yeah, you did tickle, man. It was hitting for me. Normally getting tickled, don't hit. But I was so otherwise tickled that that extra tickle, it was a tickle layer. It was hitting. Dude ticles. Did that special not save our lives that night? It saved my fuck.

When you left, it was the void. Me too. But I was so tired and worn out. I went straight to sleep. I got so much cardio from laughing. at that goddamn special. Like my ribs was hurting, my abs was worked out.

God damn, son. I woke up the next morning at 11 a.m. because we're going to see InVidger's Infinity War. Yeah. I woke up seven hours later

at 11 a.m. Still high as balls. Went and saw that movie was high. Throughout the whole thing, I didn't start coming down until like 4 or 5 p.m. And our original plan

had been to eat half that cookie before the movie at 11 a.m. on Saturday morning. If we'd have done that, dead. No show.

Wouldn't have been no show. I mean, they'd have made us try it out there, but good Lord, what a train wreck that would have been. It would have been one of two things. Now, it had have been one thing. Right. I know what you're going to say, either transcendent, like, best show we've ever done, or 98% more likely. Just garbage. I've been terrified.

Just stream of conscience. Like, yeah. If someone had laughed too loud at something, I thought they was trying to kill me. I ran off the stage. Drew did the same thing that night, but then he went home alone. Yeah. And so it was devoid. With us, it was potato chips.

It was companionship. It was laughter with you. It was tickling. It was love for y'all. With you, it was the best. Everybody listening to this, y'all, by the way, they were staring into each other's eyes for the last. For one minute. I did.

I've been over here texting. Drew. We forgot Drew was here. Drew, you got you a laugh. You may go now. guys I'm sure some of y'all listen to that they just be tickling each other

and another thing and I've talked to Andy about this and she thinks it's the funniest thing in the world Corey and Trey would often do this thing where they cuddle and whisper to each other and pretend to kiss or often kiss while I'm there and then look at me and laugh like

this is the big. Jokes on you. Jokes on you, Quare. And then and then about three months ago, maybe more, one of them, I think probably Corey, because he wants the world to know about his love. You were going to talking. Told me that they had done that.

No, it was you, Trey, because I remember your face, you go, yeah, me and Corey did that again. That's not I kissed Corey. And I go, like in front of somebody at the hotel? And you were like, no, no, in the room. Just in the room. And I said, you kiss Corey and nobody else was there. there, that ain't a bit.

You're just kissing glory. You were like, if there's no one else around, that's just gay. Well, by the way, some of the record is fine. Some of our listeners just drove their car off the road. I knew it. That's my point. It's fine, but y'all's total, like, either lack of awareness. No, it's a spectrum.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, you've been on one of them, son. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, anyway, I went home that night alone. in my bed. And then I took less than y'all.

But you are less than us in terms of drugs. The lady, we haven't talked about her. She barged, barged. Like she threw the door open of the green room. Barge marge. I was on the couch. Maybe that's why she did it. She got down on one knee.

Yeah, like she was proposing the worst night of your life to you. And again, it might have been because I was lying down on the couch, so she was face-to-face with me. But I remember laying there hammered. I was hammered. And I remember thinking, why is she on one knee? She got that on one knee. She got the bag out. She was like, I made these cookies for y'all.

I know I'm not supposed to be back here. My poor ass couldn't afford the goddamn meet and greet. But I wanted to really meet you guys and bring all these. And of course, we're hammered. It's a nice lady. And she brought us a gift. Yeah, that's for hell. Yeah.

Hang out. You know, we sit there. We'll talk to her. Good precedent to set. And she said, what? These are 10 milligram cookies? So she said, she also lied like a motherfucker. I'm drunk.

To hit. I'm like, get him. me one of these. I shove a whole cookie in my mouth as a quote unquote joke. When she's not looking, I took half of it out. And I, like, threw it in the trash can or whatever. Like, I didn't really want 10 milligrams, but whatever, she, the

joke hit for her, blah, blah, blah. But if you ate that whole cookie, I can't even imagine. It wouldn't, you wouldn't be back. I mean, he's lived through worse, actually, because you did, like, you ate a whole hundred milligrams in Denver, right? That shit was so high test, though, man. It was unbelievable. So we found that later, it's 50 milligrams, to approximately.

family per cookie. And I still don't even hardly believe that. So I had about 20 or 25. I went to bed. It hadn't kicked in. And by the way, it was two hours later. We had another meet and greet. I drove y'all back and went home sitting down a drunk in highway.

I was driving a goddamn Dodge Charger. Hell yeah. Shirtless through Portland. Yeah. Y'all remember that? Yeah. I pulled up to Bo's house shirtless because I was eating a burrito. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, I went to sleep. I woke up like three hours later. My eyes, I can't explain to something to say they were. so dry that they hurt. And I woke up because I was having a dream, and in the dream I woke up,

but the person was still in the room with me talking to me, and they were going 4, 3, 2, 1, 9,75. And I was like, what? I literally woke up saying, what? I got up, and I was like, oh, I was dreaming, no big deal. Drew talking to the void out loud now.

I woke up, I'm dreaming. Somebody speaking the winter soldier code out of it. I woke up, I'm like, no, no, but I was fine. That's what I'm saying. I woke myself up and saying why, and then I was like, oh, I was dreaming, no big deal. I get up and go. the bathroom, I'm walking to the bathroom, the numbers start again.

Uh-huh. Well, I have this thing when I smoke weed where I'm like kind of awake, kind of asleep, so I'm like, I guess I'm just dreaming. And then, like, it's not, I didn't hallucinate. I don't want anything I'm exaggerating. You didn't hallucinate on weed. It wasn't a hallucination. You were happy sleep or falling asleep?

I know exactly what you mean. I know what you mean. Like Andy was there, and then I was just peeing and I was like, fuck, I need to wake up or go back to sleep. And then I started having a panic attack. Yeah, this is all very right. I feel it coming. And my eyes hurt.

so bad. What if one of Andy's dream catchers finally worked? That's what it was. Like it's a portal? You know, well, to be fair to hurry, it would have helped. You know what I mean? So I'm like walking into the kitchen.

And I know what to do in this scenario because I have been high and had panic attacks before. So I'm just talking now I am talking to myself out loud. This is fine. You're just high. And I look up and I can see there's a window out of the basement I was staying. I was at our buddy Bow's house in his basement, which is like an Airbnb now. Yeah. And there's just people walking.

by on the street. I totally forgot you were at another person's house. That makes it way worse. With a child, like married with a kid house. And so I would love to see that as a scene in a show, and it's split screen between you and this basement, like, gallop freaking out and me tickling Corey on the phone.

Same exact thing, different reaction. I'm butt-necked. I know. But, now, to be fair, this lasted 30 seconds. I calmed down. I went and lay back down. My fear was, I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep now.

And then I passed right out. And I slept for hours. So it actually was fine. Well, do you remember the elevator? Bro, dude. So, like, I don't know. I feel like this might be one of those things where, like, our perception of time got fucked with or something. But it happened both at the same time.

Right. So we were on the elevator just looking at lost in each other's eyes, hitting about something. And at one point, I realized that, like, the, digital display on the elevator had said four for a while like we weren't moving we were on the fourth floor

and we were supposed to be going to eight we're going to eight and the door wasn't open I remember I looked after what felt like minutes I noticed it and I looked at you and I said bruh and I just pointed at it and you looked up at that and you looked at me and you went bruh

and we were just like we almost started crying we're like oh no please no please no we were stuck in this elevator and fucking three in the morning and then like And then it just was like, it just kicked back into gear or whatever and fucking went on and let us off. That was 30 seconds, but time slowed so down.

There's no way it wasn't less. The moment of actual panic was probably three seconds, you know, but it felt like a fucking eternity. Without a doubt. Man. We'd be wild. It is wild. Dude, like, I swear to God, I've done at one point in another, almost every drug there is other than I've never done acid or heroin. I've done both.

I never done heroin. Nothing has ever, ever. Nothing fucks with my head. No, nothing does. The way that weed can. Not always. Weed don't always do that, but like weed has fucked my head up way harder than any other thing that I've ever done before. You know, here's why is because acid does, but I signed up for that shit with acid.

I guess that's true. Yeah. With weed, I'm like, man, this ain't, this ain't it. We can turn on you. I mean, I mean, I mean, Assy can too, but weed's a liar, man. I can convince myself on acid, dude. Also, you ain't human in that moment. Right.

That's the problem with weed is you really believe that shit. The weed starts talking, you like, hey. You're just high, man. Your mom hates you, and you're like, my mom does fucking hate me. Whereas with acid, it's like, God hate you, and then you're like, what? Look over there. It's orange. The moon.

Oh, shit. Then you jump into the water. A lot of distractions. Yeah. Yeah, weed gets you on something. And there you go. Well, if it's the void. when the stuff's hitting wheat

you're everywhere on weed but when something don't hit that's all weed you're zeroed in buddy you can't when I first started smoking weed I get zeroed in on food yeah that is

nothing better in the world than eating and then Brian I lived with Brian at the time he would make me laugh doing something I literally thought weed was the greatest thing in the world

for like eight months and then after that I was like nope it ain't yeah weed's a woman in that way missed a butt uh well

we just started talking about what we're at right now core 303 telling stories about being high i feel like yeah and i may regret this decision i feel like almost weirdly obligated to at least say something about the uh the morgan freeman jean your boy yeah yeah boy morgan freeman yeah i pretty much as of now feel basically the same way about that as i did about uh when paula dean went down uh-huh which is to say that like i'm not i'm not saying that it's cool or that i advocate for it or nothing like that but i but i am kind of like no shit i mean yeah you know what interesting he's 80 years old no i know and i know no no they think i know i get what you mean i'm not saying that your logic's off just literally on a gut level when i read that he

was lifting a girl's skirt or whatever I was like... Oh, I didn't even read how deep it went. I was like, fuck. Like, I read, oh, Morgan Freeman and Salt made me uncomfortable when I started reading it. He was rubbing this girl's back.

I'm telling her she looked prime and all this stuff. I'm like, that sucks, but he's 80, and I'm not saying that makes it right. It's not. Dirty old man is a stereotype for a reason. It's just like how all papo's racist.

It's the same type of thing. The lifting of the skirt thing, I was like, just as an intelligent person in the year we're in, because this was like two years, You know what I mean? Because it was that movie with the heist, the old man in the heist. Yeah.

Yes. I know. It's on planes. She kept trying to lift her skirt up. And I was like, okay. I don't know how you could be that, you know, lacking in care of another person. But I didn't think Morgan Freeman was that dumb. That was also like the shock for me is like, what?

When was this that he allegedly did that? Two years ago. Two, three years ago, yeah. He'd done it now. You talk about the dumbest motherfucker on earth. But like, no. It's still dumb. And you're not doing it.

To be fair, going back to the dirty old man thing. If you're a world famous dirty old man and you're 78 years old, like, I'm just not surprised that it would get in your head that like, I hit off, you know. You can lift up people's scourts in front of other people? I'm not saying that it's okay to do what I'm saying. We're arguing about the same thing. I am saying that that actually surprised me.

That he thought I could do this in public. In front of other people. Yeah. I just on set in the middle of the day. You've worked in restaurants. You've seen old redneck fucking motherfuckersers it on a car and they're dumb okay but that goes back to the morgan freeman thing and yes thank you they're like they're shitty people they also have less to lose they also have less to lose like he's a

that's hard to say that on record i still think Morgan freman's probably an okay person just you know shitty and all right he's he or not done he's shitty but do you know what i mean those people are worse people like you talk about madman maybe i'm surprised he's a bad person that era yeah that era if you like were a man most of your prime manhood or whatever was during that whole time you know what i mean like yeah he was black was he allowed to do that hell no i mean where was he at though was he in fucking la or new york or whatever he's from mississippi so i mean no but but at that time how the fuck he was he was he was hitting then though wasn't he wasn't he in movies he looked the same i can

tell you that he started like hitting hitting in the 80s but he's been around and working He is 400 years old, so. There's no telling what he loved. Yeah, you can do whatever you want in the Bible. It's just like, Morgan Freeman is not my goddamn papal, but you know how all three of our papals. New name for the episode.

Like, yeah. Race has said some absolutely horrible shit. That's like. That's a perfect way, though. It's like, yeah, I know, but like, goddamn, they're just all like that. Like, I'm not saying it's okay to say the N-word or to be that way, but like,

that's just how they be. Okay, but that's a perfect example. My papal, I'm certain back in his day he was pinging girls' rears at a bar or whatever. But like, I don't think he was doing what that behavior that was just described. My uncle Merle was. And so my point isn't that I can't believe that a person that age would do it. My uncle Merle is almost as old as my papal. I can't believe that somebody would that much to lose.

I can't believe Morgan Freeman's Uncle Merle and not my papal. Right, right. Yeah, no, no. Again, because Uncle Merle was shittier than Papa. Because they're saying that same story that Alan Arkin was sitting right there, being your pat-all while morning a Freeman was sitting there being Uncle Merle. The first time I brought my high school girlfriend over, my papal tore to Uncle Merle, if you pinch her butt, I'm breaking your nose because he pinch his girl's butt.

Yeah. So like, yes. Like, that ain't because my papal was like a fucking raging feminist. Hell, you know what I? He was like, that's a little girl, that's my grandson, and don't fuck with them. Do you know what I mean? Anybody in here going to pinch a goddamn butt's going to be me. Don't be me, Merle.

God, damn it. My point is I didn't think Morgan Freeman was like a woke feminist current day since the 70s. I just thought he was better than that. And the skirt lifting specifically. Yeah, for sure. I didn't even know about the skirt. I heard sexual harassment. And in my mind immediately I thought like, oh, he said some shit or he tried to like lure somebody like, oh, you know, come back to my trailer.

I have beef jerky. Even behaviorally, grabbing a girl's butt's probably as violating to a girl as lifting a skirt. Maybe it's not. I don't know. but just in terms of society I've seen a bunch of men like my Uncle Merle do that growing up I'd never see anyone lift a girl's skirt this kid Frankie tried it in the fifth grade

and my friend Wendy punched him in his nose hips have you ever seen a do lift a girl's skirt maybe maybe when she's in a bikini not that I can think yeah I mean not that I know yeah I'm not saying it didn't happen but to me that's some like kid shit like that's some like you know if you have

you and I'm not surprised Morgan Freeman ain't perfect I was about saying, I wouldn't even be surprised if I did it in fifth grade when I was a fucking moron. He's all like, ha, ha, ha, ha, but like, you know, somebody punched, oh, shit, that don't hit. Shouldn't have done that. But, like, yeah, as an adult, it's like, you know, you wouldn't want nobody pulling up your goddamn. God, Frankie was little for his age. You know how in fifth grade is when the girls are all weird. Little Frankie.

Biggie. Wendy probably broke his ass. Brokes his ass. Yeah, there is that weird period. It's around fifth grade where, like, the girls are bigger than the boys. Heather Mathis whooped the shit out of me one time, boy. You had a half. Heather Mathis?

Daniel, my buddy from... She was three years older, too, and I was in fifth. So she was like eighth grade, whoop the fuck out of me in fifth. Like, son, beat my ass. My buddy Daniel dated a girl named Heather Mathis, who went to Marrival High School at Marrival College for like three years.

That's just weird to me. Sorry, we're sidetracked. She moved around. Could have been her. I don't know. She got a couple places. You know how it is. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Are you surprised by that? Just that specific part? That it was two years ago. If they said when he was 50. And that he was lifting the skirts. Like back before he truly hit, because that's a lot of these stories come out. Like the Spacey thing, which that's a way different.

Let me disclaimer, that's way fucking different. But like, if I'd heard, you hear Spacey did it in the 80s or whatever, you're like, if he did that two years ago, I've been like, where the fuck's your head? Like, you know you're going to get caught. Like, you're a fucking Supreme Hitter. God damn, what are you thinking? Is that, you know what I'm saying? Am I making sense?

Yeah, but I also think part of getting that old is stopping giving a fuck. Yeah. So it's like he's been a supreme hitter for 30, God damn. years so it's just like, I know 80 year olds. You're going to get caught. You're going to get cast out. Well, fuck it. Bring it on.

I know 80 year olds without money. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That's, I mean, and that's quite literally the issue, right? You know, really.

You know, yeah, fuck. Yeah, I want to do it. Well, and like, me and Paige were talking about this the other day. And I, and like, and I don't remember exactly how we got there, but I remember saying, like, look, at fucking 80-year-old's like, you're not going to change. year olds. You know what I mean? Like,

you ain't, you ain't gonna change them. You ain't gonna make the bit, but like, you know ripped horn be grabbing ass. Right. So, like, what's important is

that younger generations, everybody else going forward, knows that like, it ain't cool and don't do that shit. But like, fucking 80 year old man's, that's fucking dirty old man. Yeah,

right. I'm not saying that it's okay for the, oh, we got to let them do it. We don't got to let them do it. But like, dude, I guess what it is for me. They're going to be what they're going to fucking be.

We've been so other than, that generation needs. to go. I guess I never put Morgan Freeman in that. Right. You know what I mean? It's the same. Yes.

It's exactly the same thing. That's related to what I was going to say too is you're right that like. I didn't need this. But are people surprised. I know I just said I'm surprised he was living in a skirt and I am. But like you're saying like what did you expect? I mean I think a lot of people were like, yeah.

Like I saw a lot of people being like like oh Morgan Freeman was fucking. They weren't defending him. They were like saying. and fuck him. But, like, they were like, I'm not surprised. We've heard about this for years. He's just protected because he's America, because he's God, you know, or whatever.

Yeah, that was in that main article that brought everything to light. The reporter was saying something like they had contacted somebody that was a PA or something on some movie he'd been on. There's somebody that worked on a movie with him. I'm looking at nothing, Corey. I realize it's like, I'm over here like, squirrel. I'm just staring out the window. But I'm just gazing into the abyss.

but they the reporter all they said was like I wanted to talk to you about a very very high profile actor that I'm wondering about connections with sexual harassment or whatever and the person on the phone responded is it Morgan Freeman? No shit. Yeah and like this is a person that works on movie sets all the time like a new immediate that I mean that's in the that's in the article that's part of like it says that in there's like they knew like this person knew immediately that was the phone they were talking. about and it's like that you know that ain't a good look no hell no don't hit no don't hit in summation don't hit you so we had a fan and the twitter thread got decently big well i don't know if you re twitter or something somebody was talking about the well-read podcast drinking games anytime somebody says hits and the other person goes no don't hit you got to drink and like it's a lot somebody's probably very drunk right now already i saw a few tweets of like

the whole like god damn bill cosby now morgan freeman y'all this is and i saw very different i went i saw i know i saw i saw i know yeah very different but i saw some that went so far as to say this is a conspiracy to like take down wholesome prominent black man or whatever get ben carson god damn it can y'all you know what i mean i agree with that but another hand i'm like i'm like i'm saying i don't get somebody ben carson on the other hand though i'm like i mean i look i don't know what it's like to be black and i certainly don't know what's like to be black and be a fan of bill Cosby and Morgan Freeman, but God, pick a different hill to die on,

especially Bill. For sure. For sure, man. One, all right. You know, black people have faced insane injustice. If it's one lady, I can see how that's a plant. Uppards to 50. No.

Well, one black woman responded to that showed Morgan Freeman saying a bunch of shit about how racism ain't real and we just need to let go of it. And she was like, trust me, this ain't the one. was trying to get rid of. No, that's what, you know, I thought about that. I couldn't remember the exact quote, but I wanted to bring it up a second ago because, like, for a very long time, the right wing have heralded that interview that he did, where it's

like the same way they did Cosby, pull up your pants. Was it on 60 minutes? It was something like that where he's like, the only reason racism exists is because we keep bringing it up if we would all just be quiet about it and all these fucking wife's like, see, Morgan Freeman fucking knows. I'm like, all right, we all like him now. You know what I'm saying? Like, now what they want, I know what they're going to do.

Now it's going to be, God damn, all these fucking. liberal in Hollywood fucking raping and sticking her fingers and booty holes and stuff it's like now this was y'all's dude and so was cosby too

so shut the fuck up okay but all I'm saying is all this shit about Morgan Freeman all this together does any of this have anything to do with how much he liked to use a comedian his tasting comment

there's no there's no impact there right okay Bill Cosby and Joey Zeeke maybe a little Trey Crowder swam through a river of shit. That's all I'm saying.

No, you're good. So what you're saying is a lot of people are like, and I hate Morgan Freeman. And everything he stood for, and you were over in the corner like, me too. He stood for me.

Truth be told, y'all know how I am. I'd hit for Paula Dean. With that I was so hard. She would think of me for Pollym on her fucking finger. Just come with a babe, let that shit right down your jaw. I'm like physically upset

that you guys just missed my Me Too. reference right there. I like turned you into the me too. I said you're over in the corner of me too. And you all just moved out of the one. I'm going dying this back of ship. That's the band you're the front man for. Well, we've talked about black and women issues

here on the straight white male podcast. Yeah. Well, it was the first 30 minutes was just to it. The gay. The first 30 minutes was the gays. Yeah. It was gay stuff. Then it was women's stuff. Then it was black stuff. It's about us being gay now. That's what we play.

for it, dog. This is what we play for. Yeah, we're rubbing the statue's head as we come out. Have you seen that dude impersonating all the comedians and Enzel Bill Burr? It's fine. We can play that playing it in the mic. Yeah, I guess we could do that. That's fine, yeah, skew that up.

No, it's great. Is this guy also a comedian or? Yeah, and he's been verified. He has, uh... Well, honestly, that don't mean nothing anymore. No, anybody can get a verified check. You'd think. Anyone, literally anybody.

Anyone. Uh. fucking Princess Leia's dog is verified. If anyone doesn't know. If anyone doesn't know. If anyone doesn't know. Cori's verified. Corey's verified.

And when Corey and I went to get verified, we literally at the time had the same bio that we sent them. Still do, I think. Probably. Yeah, maybe not. And. What I did a college? Who gives a fuck?

And Corey got verified and I did not. And yes, it sucks because of ego. And I'm not going to pretend like that. don't bother me and that Corey don't make fun of me and remind me of it. You bring it up. It's you. It's all me. It always is. It's always me. Sometimes you say that and you mean it. But the other thing is, and this is true, like when I tweet it people and try to get them to come on the podcast or like just hit with me.

Yeah, I've got to ignore people left and right. Right. Yeah. So, you know, it actually is affecting my career. Hey man. Not for nothing. I got it skewed up. Okay.

Go ahead. Go ahead. You can not find out of it. I saw the, did you, which preview to Sicario did you say? was it in the new one was it in theaters no okay well it has to because you told me you're like I don't know man no no no no I hadn't seen the trailer

I said all the promotional material I thought the title the post you've seen the poster no poster looks like a dad biker from Iowa design the trailer which I guarantee you you got a poster that yes there's no way they won't show it during the solo that we'll see tomorrow because they showed it during

Deadpool and I feel like the same demographic it looked in well I also in fairness Dude, I also told you, I was like, look, a lot of promo materials I've seen ain't got nothing to do with him. Don't look great. Right. But I still have faith because I'm a Taylor Sheridan devotee.

Well, read, listeners. That movie's going to hit. They are staring into each other's eyes again. They just realized I was still here. Yeah. Play you shit. Play you shit. I'm not even, it's not even my shit.

Are we ready? Yeah. All right. So I'm about to play this clip. I'll say the guy's name within because I had it and I forgot. Yeah. just put it into the mind. Burke Kreisher shared this.

Burke Kreisher, there's a guy who didn't follow me until I ran into him again. I was like, hey, why didn't you follow me? Oh yeah, didn't see the check mark. Oh, shoot, you're going to do a check mark, dude. This dude's going to be a person in a few comics and one of the miss. This is my impression of Jim Carrey, now that he's insane, doing crowd work.

This is Jim Carrey, your brother. What's your name, sir? None of it matters. We're all just energy floating around the universe. Talking about Star Trek. Chris walked out, how come in the future, even a black lady on the Enterprise, but she got to have a half a half.

This is Bill Cosby being given the electric chair for Rick. This is Bill Cosby being given the electric chair for... This is Robin Williams' suicide note. This is Robin Williams' suicide note. Page 9! That was my favorite. My impression of Bill Burr doing white of the chicken cross the road. This is Bill Burr doing white of the chicken cross the road.

He was sitting watching chicken sports and the headline did he cross the road and he tries to cross the road and he gets hit by a car and she took the eggs. Dude, she took the fucking eggs. That's fucking perfect. Oh, that's amazing. She took the, my favorite one was the Robin Williams of two. Here's a suicide note. Page nine. his name is Simon King

His Twitter is at Unfamous And that's a lie Because he's verified You don't have to be famous To be verified I'm verified The food critic

For the fucking Tuscaloosa Tribune Times is verified I have noticed that if you get something Imprint that helps a lot Like a book Yeah well I mean I mean

I mean I mean specifically on the internet but that's hilarious and yeah I sent them I sent them to page you to book you send a part

to the hip for them you think they have a rotating staff that verifies people and whoever you got that day was just like a fucking conservative

well you know what I tried to get verified before we sent our stuff in together but it was still the same shit and I didn't

I often wonder it's like your credit score yep the more you try the thirsty that's thirsty ass little big

think he wrote a book. Exactly. So I haven't tried since. Don't hit. Fuck them. I mean, I am, but not until something changes. Yeah.

God damn, that fucking... Don't hit. Nothing hits. What about this meta chips here? You know what I... We bought a bag of bags of chips. And that's a bag of bags of chips. Let me tell you something I've been thinking about this.

This is part of lore at this point, buddy. Bag of Bag of Chis. I've been looking at this, and this is odd. So on here, and they're doing the right thing, there's four of everything except for Cool Ranch and, Sunship's original. Now, I agree with that. But...

What do you think, Mr. Buck? Yes. Thank you. But also, they're the only two bags that is blue. Usually, blue hits. But in this case, blue don't hit. I feel like when it comes to food, blue off and don't hit. Well, red hits.

Because candy blue hits. Red is zesty. Right. You know what I'm saying? Red like pops. So with food, with food, red hits. Red does hit. red yellow hits and free doses red and yellow

beige is all-time when it comes to food it's funny because beige don't hit wait please you still and beige isn't all fried foods dog all beige oh the color of the food I still thought we were talking about packaging I'm sorry no no no but you're right at the first ballot all the favor and blue don't hit other than blueberries what the fuck are we eating it's blue

some root of bagas everything else is fake it's all candy that's the band you're the front man some root of Vegas but like blue candy hits but it's all fake like that ain't that ain't blue

blueberry is barely motherfucking blue is actually a very rare color anyway like in nature or whatever to just exist like there's some flowers hydrangeas that's wild because it's a primary color you know it is a primary color yeah but like because it's I mean we're talking about how light works

or like color science yeah then corn chips then blue corn chips that's real corn's blue corns yeah they don't hit I mean, it's fine, but I'd rather have regular. Well, I know that blue and purple were, like, expensive clothing back in the day. Purple hits. Before they figured out how to make chemical dye because... Purple does hit.

It was shit so rare. Right. But, no, I mean, it's just weird and food. You're right, red. Which, I mean, red hits. Red don't not hit. No, but blue hits harder for the most part. Honestly, what's red that we eat?

A few peppers. Okay. Strawberries. We fucked ourselves up a little bit here. Tomatoes. We've went to, we started out with food packages. Which is what I thought we'd talk about. Right.

But like, I'm saying in the food world, red has a very clear thing that it denotes. It represents spice, spice, zest. Life. Right, exactly. Robustness. Hot. Blue, blue ain't got that. I mean, it's cold.

Blue is cold. Blue is cold. Cold don't hit for the most of them. Cold sometimes. It does hit. No. Cold does hit. But when it comes to chips.

What does orange and yellow represent? Cheese. Yellow cheese. Yeah. Without a doubt. cheese, which is in arguably one of the main flavors. Yeah, yeah, but it's also one of the main flavors. Every head must bow. Every time must pro fast, but cheese, it's so hard.

It's also a main flavor. Cheese? Yeah. Salty, sweet, bitter, umami, cheese! It's all down. It's all down. But I mean, on a menu, or like if you're making chips and you go to do flavor. No, yeah, you got to mention cheese. Yeah, if it's cheese, you got to bring up that it's cheese. Green is one of them. It also is vegetables.

Green is fresh. Green is freshness. Green is freshness. Red is zest and spice. Blue is coolness. It's like drink. Coolness. Refreshing.

There's a lot of drinks. That blue represents water. Like even though water clear, but like use blue on the... Yeller, I feel, is like... It's cheese. It's cheese. What other colors is there?

That's all of them. Yeah. It's like... Bays is like light yeller. Yeah, I see everything else is a version of that. Well, again, I kind of fucked that up because like... Brownhill... Foods that are physically, the food itself is beige, that heads.

But we're talking about like packaging and marketing and stuff. Brown is meat or soup. Brown is definitely meat or soup. Meat soup. It's hardy. Brown is hardy. It's hardy, yeah. It's hardy stuff.

It's also hardys. Yeah, Hardys. That's my flip-flop. I know it sounded like a bomb went off because I have fucking Hobbit feet. I think that's all the colors. There is. Not that there is, but like when it comes to food, like prominent food. I'm convinced there's like nine colors and everything else is a variation of those.

That's usually true. That's how primary colors is going to work. I think that's pretty accepted, actually. Well, there's three primary colors, but I don't think green's a version of bluer yet. Well, like Roy G. Bev dog. Yeah. There you go. I'm saying that's, yeah.

That's all of it. That's seven. Right, orange, yellow, green, indigo violet. There's all, there's only two there. Yeah. There's blue and there's purple. This is because we're dudes. It's blue and it's purple.

Yeah, but you know that like, like, purple. Literally, dudes eyes. Our eyes. physically, and I know, be rabid, I know my eyes don't hit. I say, dude's eyes or Du Wayne's eyes? Yeah. All men's eyes physically. Did your papa, who couldn't hear women tell you this?

No, you can look this shit up. Women perceive color better than we do. So, like, you look at, you, a woman looks at, she sees salmon, coral, and something else, you see three pinks, not even three pink. That shit's all pink. That shit is pink. And she's like, no, it's not. That's coral, you dumb ass.

And you're like, look it up. motherfucker. I'd go to that because my sister be wild with her her color

seeing is like my food eating wow. I heard that too. I got a good palate in my tongue.

She got it in her eyeballs. They, not literally all of them but I'm saying this is a biological thing. They perceive.

It's biological and not social? They perceive color better than we do. It's biological not social. Yes.

Yes. It's their eyes and how they're wired optically. The reason this is so confusing to me is

there's a study this one went to it's funny because it's a positive thing I'm saying, but if you just remove, like, it's their eyes. It's just how their brains work. Someone, like, got it in their head that there might be people who mutated who have more than three cones. We have three color cones in our eyes.

That's why there's three primary colors to us. Yes. There's that fucking shrimp that's got 17 of them at season multicolor. And the way I heard it explains. A shrimp. Yeah. Is it conceit. Anyway, there's people with four.

They got his ass out to mud. They found people with four. Yeah, he's trying to eat me. You know what I'm saying? And those people with four, I think the one that's got them is poison and we can't eat it. I don't know if that's true. I feel like it is. Fuck tell me.

I don't eat in a 17-cone ass having fucking shrimp. If you guys are ever around Corey and you don't want to talk anymore, just mention food and he'll go on a rant. Yeah, that's true. Particularly tell them he can't eat it. Hell you say. Man, I didn't get that goddamn German chocolate cake speaking of. And we left the leftovers. That's which we didn't tell.

Chocolate brown. you're trying to say. Oh, those people have four cones so they can perceive colors better than us, and that's how the science has explained it. It's not like when you say that's red, they're like, no, it ain't. It's that if you say these two things are red, they often can see it as a different color, different shade of red for what it is. So I'm saying, like, it don't make sense to me that they need another cone for that,

and then the women's just have it without the cone. Yeah. I think, dude, there's more to it than just the cones. I would buy like social What's up? What's the word of? Conditioning. Because there's a whole tribe that thinks the sky's green.

You ever read about them? I have. That's wild as fuck. I just always thought, yeah, y'all don't know what green is. Y'all don't have it. Well, they don't have a word for green. Right. But they see blue as similar to green.

They think it's a different shade. But like to them. Sometimes the sky do be green. Where if would they live in a green? That same lady that did that study. I was telling me, she can train you to see different shades. Fuck, that devil. And that's what I was saying.

Same hits, different, don't hit. I ain't trying to see. I want my macaroni, goddamn green. This is in National Geographic entitled, men and women really do see things differently. The grass is almost always greener for women. I hope the editor got fired. The grass is almost always greener for women, for starters,

a new study says, and such differences have roots. Maybe literally. You talk to them, god damn. It is literally. It's such. Not Amber. I tell you that much.

groups deep in human evolution. This is every episode every week. This is my life. Oh, shut the buck. It's our ass. I always does this. He's just sitting there acting like he talks and we're ignoring him. I'm the one that has to edit it.

I hear you. I'll be doing this to me. I was trying to get court to just talk to me right then. Then I got, I got mad though. I was sitting in the back. I ain't said shit for 15 minutes. I'm like, I hear you.

And another goddamn thing. I said this in one of my videos. I know that's an impression. me. I'm sorry. All right, well, we're in Hushville. We didn't tell them how we left Tray's leftovers at the church. Trey's leaving.

Where are we about to be? Hold on, we got to tell us briefly. Trey got into town. He texted us, is it food? Are y'all trying to eat? We texted him a picture of the food we were eating. You texted me first. I know. We did. Oh, Corey did.

Corey did. Yeah, Corey did. He's screaming. texted me first. Honestly, it would have been, well, whatever. You didn't make you, you made us look not as bad, so thank you. We was texting you to see where you are. You were sitting there at the table eating the shit when you text to me, hey, when you're getting into town. And I was like, I'll be there in like 25 minutes. Why are you trying to ruin? Then you text me pictures of all this hitting ass food, didn't you send? It's okay,

though. There's something left over. I'll bring it to you. Okay, that sounds good. Five minutes later, hey, I left at the restaurant. You don't hit, fuck you. That's exactly how it happened. Y'all don't hit. go fuck yourselves i did not make you look any better i didn't know shit yes you did you forgot to cake yeah but then he'll be communicating with him the whole day i didn't know he was getting into town i didn't know i had no idea and you're the one who said when you get into town because you knew i no i didn't know i didn't know no i had no idea anyways well i just assumed you won't get in five minutes before the show starts like you usually do me too i wish everybody

could have seen i wish everybody could have seen how because tray was over over there trying to get a frying pan to make his steak, how hard he charged towards the mic when he felt we were talking shit. He's never ran that fast in his goddamn life. He almost got in a three-point stance to fucking do it and come over here. Anyways, but so this podcast... He ran towards the mic like he was going to get a stand on a platform that had nothing to do with him. That's a great way to end.

This podcast will come out next Wednesday, which means we won't be on tour because I will be getting married and on my honeymoon. but after that, go to well-red comedy.com. We'll be in Chicago. July, June 16th, and then June 23rd, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma, and then we're on to Honolulu, Hawaii. Go to well-redcom, W-E-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com, spell just like the podcast, grab the ticket, sign up for the newsletter, grab some merch, and grab our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the darkly.

And grab our butts. Yeah, our butts too. You're allowed to. Yeah. And excuse. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do.

Thank you, God bless you, good night, and skew.