wellRED podcast - #95 - into the abiscuit: pilot episode (Plus a #wellREDBonerJams round 2 recap up top w/ The CHO)

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

Drew sits down with his buddy Dr. B, a scientist who has to remain anonymous because our podcast is not appreciated in academic circles. They discuss global warming, the end of humanity, and biscuits. Also The CHO gives an update on the second round of the #wellREDBonerJams bracket. wellREDcomedy.com for tickets to see us live!!

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we're going to be, just like next week we're going to be in St. Louis and Kansas City. And then on after that, we are going to be doing our homecoming Christmas shows December 20th through the 23rd at just my favorite goddamn place on earth, Zanies in Nashville. So go to well-readcomedy.com. to grab those tickets. Well-read Comedy.com, spelled just like the podcast, W-E-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com. You can grab some sweet merch,

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on this week's podcast our buddy Drew sits down with his friend Dr. B a scientist who has to remain anonymous because our podcast is not appreciated in academic circles they discuss global warming

the end of humanity and biscuits. It is a fantastic episode I just listened to it. But before that, it would not be right if I didn't fill you in and give you a well-read bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo Booner jams update. This is a well-read boner jams update. If you're not completely caught up on the podcast and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, well-read boner jams, we did a bracket, two separate brackets on Twitter. You can go to Trey's Twitter at Trey Crowder to see what I'm talking about. And what we did was we ranked the boner jams, duh, from, from, you know, from, you can go to try's.

It's 96 to 06 were the years that we allowed to be. And basically, these were songs that were hot during our middle school dances and shit like that. So we ranked the smash ones, which is the songs that made you want to fuck. And we also ranked the bangers, two separate brackets. Bangers, of course, are songs that, I mean, yeah, you also want to fuck, but you also want to tear shit up. So the second round has been voted on. The votes are in. And I'm going to read them off to you guys.

guys right now so that you can get ready and vote in the semifinals, which ends in, let's see, right here, five days, 17 hours, 11 minutes, and 57, 56, 55 seconds. So I don't know that there was any surprises here. I definitely called a lot of this shit. So here we go. Round two well-red boner jams. This is the smash bracket. I'm going to read them off here. We had going up against each other the number one seed pony by genuine a large favorite by a lot of people going up against the number three seed say my name by destiny's child so here's how it shook out um we thought this was going to be closer i got to be on i didn't but a bunch of people did i don't think i did uh pony by genuine in a fucking walk 279 votes versus say my name by destiny's child with 106 votes so you know it really

wasn't even close like I thought it was going to be. Now, this one, the five-seed, Jeannie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera, going up against the number two seed All My Life by Casey and Jojo. This one was closer than I thought it was going to be. With 170 votes, Jeannie in a bottle loses to All My Life by Casey and Jojo at 209 votes. I mean, I know that's still a lot of people would consider maybe 39 votes a little blow out there, but no, not to me. I definitely, I don't know.

I thought all my life was going to take that one a lot harder. All right. Now we've got, well, fuck, I thought this is a pretty good matchup, but don't want to miss a thing by Arrowsmith beat the fuck out of Amaze by Lone Star. We've got $300 to $385. So don't want to miss a thing, moves on. Then we've got, yeah, this one went about how I figured it was going to go. Number five, you make me want to by Usher got pretty steadily defeated by no digged to be blocked.

No, no digity by Borgh. No digity by Borg. Black Streets. That's pretty much how I figured that was going to go. So in the semifinals of the smash bracket, we've got the crowd favorite, number one overall seed pony by Genuine, going up against number two all my life by Casey and Jojo. So, I mean, just up top here, the seating was done obviously pretty well. Then we've got number one, I don't want to miss a thing. Number one in the South smash bracket. Number one, I don't want to miss the thing about Aerosmith going up against.

Number two, no diggedy by Black Street. So go to Trey's Twitter. He's going to, by the time this comes out today, he will have retweeted all that shit so you can go on there and vote. So that's the smash. Now we go on to bangers. All right. In bangers, this one, we were, well, we didn't know how this one was going to go. We've got number one

seed ignition remix by R. Kelly going up against number three No Scrubs by TLC. 2.10 to 127 Ignition Remix takes it and moves on to the semifinals. Now we have what I told y'all if you go back and listen last week what I said was going to be the game of the week.

We had number four work it by mid. Missy Elliott going up against number two. What's your fantasy by Ludacris? I said this is going to be the closest one. And let's see, unless, no, I was right. It is. Work it by Missy Elliott had 160 votes. While What's Your Fantasy by Ludacris narrowly beats it with 175 votes.

I knew it was going to happen. Then we've got, this one was a surprise that it was this fucking close, man. I can't believe it. We had to actually, I don't know. Obviously, we seated it this way. But then we saw what was going on. We're like, oh, shit, this is going to be a sleeper here. We've got number one, back that ass up by Juvenile,

going up against number three, Get Low by Lil' John. And, yeah, the number three seed took it. Get Low by Little John moves on to the semifinals. Now, here's the one that I knew was going to happen. I knew it was going to break our hearts. It had to happen eventually. Number four, hey y'all by Outcast, which is a fine song, in its own right,

pretty handsomely defeated. Number two, Return of the Mac by Mark Morrison, which I get it for these purposes. It had to go down, but it's arguably the greatest song of all time. So here's what we got coming up in the semifinals of the bangers bracket.

We've got number one ignition remix, number one seed, Ignition Remix by R. Kelly, going up against. Number two, What's Your Fantasy by Ludacris? then we've got number three get low by little john going up against number four hey yaw by outcast we actually have a one a two a three and a four the bangers bracket is highly contested and is getting a little squirley here at the top so like i said go to tray's twitter we're all going to be tweeting it out

after this episode comes back and vote for the semifinals that will be over in five days and then as this works out the final the final game is going to be on Christmas Eve so that we'll all have something to look forward to. Anyways, well-readcom, all that jazz, enjoy the podcast. Tell everybody we love them and we love you and skoo. Whiskey. Well, well, well. Fine, but like, that's a scientific, that's a thing, right?

People, you just think you sound dumb. Or you hate the sound of your own voice or both? Yes, yes. Do you? Definitely true. You do hate the sound of your own voice? So much. I got used to mine just from hearing it so much.

Just because of what I do, I had to review my stuff. And then I think it's just like there's that shock of, oh, that's me. And then there's, I sound like that. And then there's, fuck, I sound like that. And then it's not even acceptance. You just, now you know what you sound like. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Like, I now recognize my own voice. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Um, so do you think you go through the same progression with the way you look? Because, I mean, you, you look in the mirror. Like, you're more constantly reminded of how you look. I think because of mirrors and then selfie generation, I think you and I have a very different view of that than perhaps they would have in the 1800s.

Like, it's not hard to imagine a person saw themselves for the first time when they were like 16. Yeah. Not too long ago in terms of history. You know what I mean? Yeah. But, uh, but like,

I mean, I don't always love the way I look, you know? I've never like gotten to the, to the point where I'm just like, oh, well, I have,

I now recognize what I look like sufficiently well enough that now that's just what I look like and I don't have any, you're always shocked by it? I'm not shocked by it, but it doesn't make me like, it doesn't make me necessarily happier about the way I look. I'm sitting here with one of my best friends in the whole world. This is Drew well-read listeners. I'm sitting here with Dr. B.

Who hates the way he looks. Go ahead. That's not true. So I had a bit about that. I'm going to get more in your background just a second where I would talk about, well, it wasn't about this, but in the middle of the bit where I'm talking about smoking. weed. I would be in the middle of this act out, and I'm screaming, of course, because I usually am, and I'm like, then you walk by a mirror, you're like, who the fuck is that guy?

I hate his face. You try to give yourself a haircut at three in the morning, and that was because I had done that multiple times, like, I would be stoned and see myself in a mirror and be like, is that what I look like? Okay, so you didn't really think it was somebody else, but like, but you were like, so physically shocked at how. Yeah, the who the fuck? was that guy was supposed to be an existential question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. And you really gave yourself a haircut? Not like every single time, but like what was funny to me, and I never worked too hard on the joke to complete it really. But what was funny to me is like, yeah, more than once, but not consciously. I never actually was like, because the joke was, I'd be like, I hate his face and then you give yourself a haircut. Right. Really, I just get high, walk by a mirror, be confused for a little bit, go eat some Tateno's pizza rolls, come back.

look in a mirror again, still kind of confused, then realized I didn't like my hair and think I needed a haircut and then have the confidence because I'm stoned to do it. And then, like, I was breaking it down by saying what was really happening there was I got high, hated the way I looked and thought I could fix it. Yeah, I mean, that's one spin on it. Otherwise, just sounds like a good night. Yeah, it never was, though. That's why I quit smoking weed. I still, like, do ever once in a while, but it really stopped being fun for me. Man, I, yeah.

It was painful. A lot of your stories about getting high seem like you have a very different experience about with getting high than a lot of people do. Yeah, you could have just said a lot of your stories are that you have a different experience and they're kind of sad and lame. Well, I was telling you before we got on here, I want to start a podcast called Into the Abiscuit where we talk about existential crises and eat biscuits. I don't have any biscuits right now, but we can make the same.

sort of the unofficial first episode. I like that, but I'm going to hold you to some biscuits. We'll go get some biscuits after this. Now, we're in Washington, D.C. Well, Red's here for a show. Drew just said Dr. B.'s actual name, so I had to come here to edit it out. And I'm improv in the song. Don't have much else to say.

So please shove something up my bud. Shove something up my bud, everybody. Shove something up and bud, if you will. now back with the podcast it's been edited out and we love you and suck on our butts suck our butts dr b is some of those people who's just so perfect it would be infuriating oh yeah like how perfect is it like why don't you tell us like won't you describe it if you think so perfect won't you just like fucking marry him drew Jesus how good can this motherfucker be tell us more he's good looking uh you brought up sarah speaking of which i remember when

is well I don't remember when you guys first started dating but I remember a story from when you guys first started dating that was involved one of or both of her sisters and I don't remember if this is how I remember this probably isn't the right story but how I remember does she was complaining that you were gone doing your research and she missed you and it was frustrating her and you guys had been together a while but not too long or something like yeah yeah and you were like in I don't know Nicaragua I don't know where you were the Caribbean yeah doing research and one of her sisters said said, so your really good-looking scientist boyfriend is off on some island with his shirt off, doing research to save the planet. Oh, it must be so hard for you. I've never heard this story, I don't think. Yeah, well. Well, to both of Sarah's sisters out there, whichever one of you it was. I'm sure I'm fucking it up. Sarah might have even been the one who was giving you the credit.

Like, Sarah was actually the one who did it. The story may have been Sarah was like, I was getting annoyed, and then I realized that's what was happening. Will, for the purposes of my own reality, say that the way you told it was exactly correct? One of the sisters corrected her. So, Ben has, as long as I've known him, done research related to what's going on with the environment. And so, again, going back to the infuriatingly, perfect thing, what I always say is, so, you know, this is my friend, Ben, who's a genius and is literally trying to save the world. Man, yeah. How's it going?

Not quite there yet. We're, oh, boy, and I was like about to say, oh, we're getting closer every day, but that's, I'm not sure that's true. Why isn't it true? That's kind of what I want to talk to about. Well, you know, it's, I think there are like, uh, there's, it's, you know, it's like a sort of a race, right? Like, there are people that are not, that don't really have much of a interest in the environment and, um, and are we've been talking about this. Who are those people? Name them.

What are their addresses? Well 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue That's good point I didn't know I didn't know any other addresses Except that I did Yeah

Yeah And I don't know where Boy actually This is the problem In this battle you guys are fighting You don't even know where your enemies live That's true You don't know where Exxon

Mobile C Actually I think he's also at 16 That's the problem Yeah I think they all have apartments there but so yeah there's that that sort of of side of things um and like i don't think i mean i generally don't think that anybody is out to purposely you know fuck up the environment i don't think that i mean yeah maybe there are a few wackos out there that are into that but i think that

the people that are doing it just have you know conserving the environment so low in their priority list and making money so high that that's that's how it manifests but so in the world that i come from ben the legal world we still hold those people culpable oh totally i don't think they're blameless don't get me wrong uh but i don't think they're necessarily out there to do it just just to mess the environment up but what's funny that i was being pretentious about legalese and i think i said the word culpable wrong i think they're still culpable is how you say that we don't hold them culpable. We hold them accountable. Continue, sir.

I wouldn't hold them anyway. That's right. They don't deserve love. I might hold them and then give them one of those little gut punches, you know. While you're holding them? Yeah, exactly. Like you hold them like a baby and then punch them in the gut. Or like, you know, in those like real dramatic scenes where you're like, where somebody goes in for a hug and then dude's got a knife, like he thinks he's his friend and then just right in the kidney? Yeah.

I wouldn't actually do that. I've never seen that scene. You're not watching the right movies, man. Is it like in prison? It's like, um, maybe. I can't think of actually. I can't think of... No, you don't have to be that close.

You just keep turning your head. So you and Trey, two smartest fucking people I know. I don't know how to talking to a goddamn microphone. That is a recurring joke on the podcast. It's not a joke at all. No, he'll just be like, what it is, he'll start, he starts pontificating. Yeah, thinking... And then looking this way.

that way and the mic stays stationary. I can see that. Well, you know, people like you and him. You guys don't care about other people. You look everywhere, but not right in our eyes. That's, yeah. Maybe that's it. Or maybe we just get lost in your eyes.

Yeah, that's definitely what it is. Well, speaking of being lost, what are you doing now? What are you studying? Yeah, that's a pretty fair assessment of what I do. Just being lost a lot. Now, my specific work is on. the it all sort of falls under the

umbralla of the CO2 boring I'm getting out of that such an ass God I feel like you've been waiting on that for years maybe

maybe years but literally a minute our other friend we have another friend Eric Hall who will talk about architecture and he is an architect at length

and at some point in our relationship I installed a beep button where when he talks too long about architecture, I just go, beep! You insta! The phrasing of that was so beautiful. I installed a beep button into our relationship. I have to install so many buttons into mine and Corey's relationship.

See, I'm already learning so much from you. By the way, you're doing great. Oh, yeah. Stalling a beat button into the relationship, that's going to be a thing on Well Road podcast. So you're studying CO2, carbon dioxide. I know stuff. Yeah, that's real good. The general idea is that plants use carbon dioxide to photosynthesize.

Okay. We spit lots of... Meaning make their own food. Yep. Okay. Yep. God, I'm killing. So we spit lots of CO2 out of our tail pipes.

You know, like a lot of the pollution that we put into the air is carbon dioxide. Yeah. But, again, plants use that. So the more we increase carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere, theoretically, the more efficiently plants should be able to photosynthesize. And so the forests of the, and when plants photosynthesize, they are taking that CO2 back out of the air and incorporating it into their biomass. That's the carbon that they make wood out of. Right. So the idea is that

Cars give trees wood I got it Yeah I've never really thought about it as sexually as you just said it but That's not true Yes you have All right

So So So So The idea is that Forests will Potentially increase their growth Under future carbon dioxide

levels And that That will Then capture some amount of that extra carbon that we're polluting and mitigate the damage that we're doing to the atmosphere. Which is part of why there's like a push to save the trees and plant more trees. Yes.

But it's not working? No. Well, unfortunately we're at the stage right now where we can demonstrate that that does occur. When you like put a plant in a chamber and increase the CO2, it grows better. and even we have some pretty large-scale experiments that do that. But the question is, eventually, plant growth will likely be limited by other things. Right. It's not just that they need ZO2. Right.

They need other shit. Water. In my worldview, it's mostly nitrogen. Okay. That's why farmers spend a lot of money dumping nitrogen on their crops. Right. Fertilizer. Because plants need a lot of nitrogen, I think. So we just need more fertilizer.

We all need to go shit on the Amazon. Yeah, or pee. Either way. There's nitrogen your pee? Yeah, man, urea is like... Don't say, yeah, man, urea. Like, urea is, you know, like orange juice, something I've heard of before.

Yeah, yeah, there's... You're like, yeah, man, urea, you idiot. Sorry. Don't be sorry. There is nitrogen in your pee. Now, well, so... there's a there's a lot of effort right now to figure out how much of a mitigation effect forests are going to have so how much forests are going to help us out in these future CO2 scenarios um and one of the big questions in there is when will increased forest growth be limited by how much nitrogen the plants can get and you're trying to answer that question that's It's mostly where my research.

Where do the frogs come in? Yeah, so frogs, definitely. So, well, right, this is an inside joke where the friend group that Ben and I share have had this running joke for years that started out not as a joke. No, yeah. You studied frogs when? I did, yeah, an undergraduate project on frogs. So two degrees ago, two and a half.

more than 10 years for sure more than a decade ago yeah you studied frogs once for yeah a summer or a summer and it was my first like to be fair it was my first like big research experience I guess and literally ever since then again I don't think it was a joke at first but it's definitely become one now we just has been how the frogs are doing oh man every time a new breakthrough in frog biology comes on the news can I take some credit for that you were in the states going to your brother's wedding we were all in australia together i went to us chile we've been after college there's a lot of backstory well read listeners and uh i went with your high school friends yeah yeah yeah and then like they have embraced me uh for the most part you know to differing levels it depends on

the person 100 you know still a new friend to some people uh what's really funny about that is there's people that weren't on that trip who have embraced me completely in the sense that i'll be at a party with all you guys and people who don't really know me Remember going to high school with me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This was a good old day. One of my favorite things.

God. Drew Morgan, BMOC at Marival High. Anyway, you went to your brother's wedding. Yep. We were still in Australia. And we made all those videos. The whole time we were in Australia, we just had a video camera roll most of the time. I put on someone's glasses and impersonated you while you were gone.

God. You remember that? Yeah, definitely my least favorite part of that entire 12 hours of video. Many people's favorite part, I got to say, pat myself on the back here, future comedian, we all saw it, we all knew the town was there. And I just kept talking about frogs. Yeah, you did. That was one of my main things.

Boy, more than two sheets of the wind. You were many, many sheets. Yeah, I could barely stand up. Like, the impersonation was just like, that is what Ben looks like when he's drunk, because it's what everyone looks like when they're drunk. That was really all it was. Yeah. Put on some glasses, talk about frogs.

And you said, you had some phrase that you said, I can't remember. It wasn't well, actually. Something like that. God. What an asshole. Well, now well actually has become like the mansplaining thing of the world. I was trying to, you know, insinuate that you just were a nerd. No, but unfortunately, whatever that phrase was.

Like many jokes, this is a bad read in the explanation. It's like, this isn't funny. You're just being a bully. No, the thing is, though, you, whatever phrase it was, I was using all the time at that point. It was the minute I saw it on video, I was like, oh, God, that really is me. It wasn't notwithstanding, but it was like, yeah, it was kind of like that. Like, you would just be like, notwithstanding. Yeah, it's really terrible.

And I would adjust my glasses. God, that was fun. Anyway. Well, those days are gone. Anyway, the world's going to end. Let's get back to that. Yep. Yeah.

So, so, right. I mean, you were. Trees would be one of the most natural filters for the CO2 problem that we have. One of the things that scientists know is that CO2 increases actually would make the forest grow quicker, which would help the problem. Yes. But you're studying how quickly can they grow and what's the- And what's the limit?

What's the ultimate limit to that pretty much? And so I look at how when plants have, part of my research is on when plants have extra CO2 available to them in the air. How do they change their root systems to find more nitrogen in the soil to support that extra growth? And the other thing that I study is a process called symbiotic nitrogen fixation, which, so the two big... Sorry, I fell asleep. What is it? Oh, God. The two major components of, I hate you, well, two...

That's one of the major components is hate it? Well, then you should sit me down there. We'll grow the shit out of these trees. No. You just need hate and pee? That's all I am, dude. You can figure out of way to coordinate farts. All that comes out of me is hate pee and farts.

Yeah. There might be potential here. No, I almost misspoke. But anyway, two large components of... Did you just try to drink the microphone? I have water in one hand and a mic and the other, and then I just ate... So I apologize for that noise.

ahead um there's a lot of co2 in the atmosphere or not a ton maybe but um but it's increasing all the time but there is a ton of nitrogen in the atmosphere and so it's kind of this weird paradox uh or this i don't know quirk of of reality is that plants here on earth almost all of them are very commonly they are limited by how much nitrogen they have available to them but the air is 80% nitrogen. So they're literally bathed in nitrogen. Well, there's an even bigger pool in the air, I guess, is the point.

But they can't get that. They can't use it because it's in a form that they don't have access to. For most plants. It's like humans in love. Go on. That means. No, I don't want to back that out.

I was really hoping you were going to blow some people's minds there without. So, But you're familiar with like soybeans and farmers rotating soybeans or beans in their crops, right? Sure. Let's say I am. I thought this was a redneck podcast. You don't know about farming? I do know about farming, but we don't farm soy.

God. Oh, well, sorry. So if you really wanted to make your weed patch, much more productive. You got to rotate it. You got to rotate it with soil. I know about that. I thought you were saying there was a specific thing that soy was doing here. Well, there is.

There's a reason. You don't say. There's a reason that farmers. Well, the classic version of crop rotation is not you're rotating corn with tobacco. It's you're rotating some crop with soybeans because soybeans can do this thing where they fix their own nitrogen. They convert atmospheric nitrogen gas into a form that they can use. And there's only some plants that can do that. And soybeans are one of them.

Most of them are in the bean or pea family. And so... Beans are going to save us. You got that right. Means are going to use gas to save us. Yes. That is what you study. Yes.

You've summed it up. I want to jump out a window and float on happiness down a river. That's amazing. Yeah. All right. I mean, we can keep going for sure. But I mean, I think everybody wants to kill themselves with this boring. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, it seems right. No. Including me. No. Sarah for sure. Well, it's not that I'm not interested in the specific science of it. It's that. No, it's that mostly.

Yeah. Moving on. Bigger picture. Not moving on. Okay. Like, let's back up a little bit. Right. Let's zoom out, I should say.

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you were talking about that race that's being ran right now yeah well i think you're actually i there's there's days where i feel good about it there's not many of those and then there's days where i see a headline that yell scientists want to block the sun to help with global warming and i I don't even click the link because I'm like... You're already mad. This has to be a parody.

Yeah. Yeah. There's... It's not... I mean, that's not... Those types of... I appreciate people chasing down every thread to find a solution to the problem at hand, I guess. I mean, I appreciate that spirit.

But isn't there an obvious one? Yes. make them stop? Yeah. Yes. So I'm definitely on the other side of that philosophical divide where there are a lot of people out there that are like, here are the symptoms and there is a way that we can stop these symptoms from occurring, right? We like block out parts of the sun or there's like a lot of soybeans. No.

Well, yeah, that sort of. Yeah. That's, I would say that's, yeah, more of a band-aid on a symptom. but yeah absolutely in my mind the real solution is we gotta stop messing up the planet that's you know it's yeah socialism we're on the same page sorry

I've just been doing it to people lately it's a joke yeah I think you were about to do that to some old ladies in a restaurant this afternoon oh yeah that was fun let's tell that story man this is really great we had like a very existential and at times pretty dark conversation

at lunch at a restaurant where we were maybe 14 inches away from this group of old ladies right next to us. And I like... And it was a nice restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. And when we were, we got into a period of talking about internet shock porn or internet shock videos, I guess.

And I was like, man, if these ladies are listening to this, their worlds are being really changed in a fundamental way. And so I wasn't sure how to feel at that. And then after the ladies got... Well, it's important, I think, to this story, from my perspective anyway, just because I'm about the role I'm about to play in it. Okay. That you know, remember the part where one of them was like,

waiter, waiter! Yeah, that's true. Like, he had just dropped the check off and then started to leave, and they made him come back, stand beside the table while they all got their car. out. Yeah. Yeah, like he didn't have anything else to do. Yeah, that's true.

And we definitely both like collectively we rolled our eyes when that happened. It was because of the way she said it. Everyone in the restaurant I heard, right, right her, righter. Anyway, go ahead. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I just wanted everybody to know where I was at.

Right. So, emotionally. So it's safe to say that there was, um, there at least was potential for some like, you know, unspoken angst between our table and the table right next to us. And then they approached us. And then two of these old ladies,

came up to us and said, you boys are young. Do you know how to use Uber? You know what's great? And this is something that we've talked to on the podcast. They weren't Southern at all. But anytime you tell a story where someone's dumb, even Southerners make them Southern.

Oh, man. So this lady didn't know how to use a phone. So we just were like, so she's Southern. God. Everybody does that. Go ahead. Well, that's true. And I used to have a real problem where I did that,

but also always made the male. Yeah. For like... Well, yeah. Hell yes, son. Yeah, for... You probably would have in this story if you didn't know it was a woman.

I... Sarah used to get on me a lot, my wife, because often I would like, when she started talking in my stories, she used to be like, I'm not a man, Ben. At least give me a female boys. So, but I've gotten over that, apparently.

All right. Anyway, lady approaches the story. She's like... Yeah. So she's like... Approaches the table. I said story. Lori, go ahead.

We got it. She's like, you know how to use Uber? And Drew, man, Drew just like puts on his straight up best grandson face. And he's like, yeah, come on over here. And he's just like, what do you need? You need an Uber XL? How many parties did it? They were like, we need one of them big ones.

I was like, that's an Uber XL. Look right here. You just got to slide this part over, showing them how to do it. You know, teaching a man to fish. this was like I'm telling you it was such a cordial interaction it was a hallmark moment really at our table

that you know followed right after the internet shock site conversation I was being really sweet and then I didn't catch what they said to the folks next to us they said she had said it to me too yeah but I didn't say anything back

I let it go and then she said to the table next to him because it was such a hallmark moment that the table next to us. It wasn't like they were like, they knew them. No. They saw what was going on and they were just like, look at that. It's so nice. And the waiter like smiled at me all heartwarmingly and I kind of rolled my eyes like these old ladies who are mean to you. They're cute. And then so they go to that table and then I think the lady at the table goes, those are nice young men.

And the woman goes, you know, young people are so smart. I knew he could figure it out because young people just know everything these days. At which point, Drew. and then they start to walk away at which point Drew screams, yeah, remember that time, remember that next time you go vote. To which, by the way, the waiter thought was hilarious. Yeah. No one else but you did, though. No, yeah, agreed, agreed.

You think they're going to remember that next time they go vote? Because I do, and I think it's going to go the way I don't want it to. I agree. That little smart ass. Yeah, dude, you just turned a lifelong Democrat red. Congratulations. You think that's what it was? Yeah, she's, yeah, she's probably in, like...

This is my thing, Ben. Democrats that age are Republicans, so, you know. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So, wait, where were we from... We were trying to zoom out because I was trying to get you to talk about, if you could just stay focused.

I'm kidding. I'm well aware that it's me. I mean, is humanity over? I mean, this is something that we talked about at lunch, too. Yeah. This is sort of an, it's an interesting question, but I think if you really, really think about it, it's a very tough question. Because the answer might be yes. Should we die? No, I don't think so. I mean, yeah, a lot of this, this is definitely getting into the biscuit part of the abisket.

Yeah. I think that. Staring to the abysket. Yeah, I'm doing it right now. It's scary. It's butter. Black butter. You know, I think it depends on how much morality you assign to the whole thing. Meaning what?

Meaning like when, so for example, I think that the next most, oh boy, I'm not sure if I agree with this statement. But I'm going to do that all the time. I'm going to say it. And apologies to my later self. I think maybe the next most ingenuative species or group of species on the planet is ants. I'm so fascinated by ants. I think they're really incredible. And ants.

Ben wants to fuck ants. That's cool, man. We all got our thing. They, like, when you get a really large colony of ants, like down in the tropical rainforest, they fundamentally alter a lot of the aspects of the forest right there. They are, I mean, there's a term in ecology called ecosystem engineers, right? which are species that like engineer the ecosystem in a given way. They fundamentally change the ecosystem.

And so they fuck up some people's environment. Well, right. If you're like, I don't know, if you're like a little beetle, maybe what the ants are doing to the forest. Yeah, is like not great for you. I get that. When I said, should we die, I didn't necessarily mean like because we're evil for doing that. I think we are doing what is natural, which is we're trying to manipulate our environment in a way that helps us the most. I guess what I meant is to take morality completely out of it.

Would this planet be better off? if we weren't at the top of the food chain, or would it just be that something would replace us and millions of years from now, it would also be a nightmare? Well, I don't know. I mean, I think that, again, you're, in my opinion, you took morality mostly out of it, but not all the way out of it,

because you implied that what is happening right now is a nightmare. And let me say, for the strong record here, have you been out there? I am arguing an objective devil's, advocate stance here. I think that I do have a moral compass on what's happening. But if you did take

morality fully out of it, we are fundamentally changing the planet in a massive way. And I think that it is in a way that is not good for us. I think we're really shooting ourselves in the foot mostly, but if and when our species, no, when

our species goes extinct, the Earth is going to be fine. I mean, Right. You know. Man, one of my favorite high school moments. You know how when like sometimes, and this teacher was awesome for the record. I loved him. Yeah.

But, you know, teachers can just be like, no at all. And, you know, because they're teachers. That's how that goes. We were in biology class. Thank you to all our public school teachers, by the way. I had a science teacher who felt like global warming was kind of overstated. Like the movement to stop it and to save the planet was a bit much for him. Yeah.

And he was like. And we were talking about that day. See, yes, no, you're completely right. But what's frustrating about that is this dude wasn't one of those. Like, he was one of my favorite teachers. He was awesome. He took us fucking spulunking and shit like that. He let us make moonshine.

Actually, the more I described this guy, let us make moonshine in class, Ben. He wasn't redneck at all, man. He had a scar on his face where he had ripped his face up playing football in high school and taped it back. He told that story all the time. He was sincerely just. Johnny Jones was brilliant. He would take students hiking. I know I just made him sound like a redneck, but like the moonshine thing, he didn't even drink.

That was literally to get kids attention. Sure. Totally. That's like great. He took us to Spulking to expand our horizons. He didn't hunt. Like he wasn't a redneck at all. Okay. Maybe a little bit. Not compared to everybody else there. Okay. But he said that one day and we were talking about it and we were having a debate. And this kid Matt Olmsted who was like really quiet and never was this kind of kid.

because he was like the planet's gonna be fine we can't we can't hurt this planet we can try but we cannot he said outside of atomic weaponry we can't hurt this planet and Matt Homestead raises his hand

and he goes yeah but what if it hurts us and at 16 that was like a oh shit we're all gonna die yeah yeah I mean and I think that that's that's really the question I mean but should like

okay as a sign if like is it is it just our time um yeah no i don't i don't i don't know um i hope not um i guess my personal and probably self-interested preference would be that we you know sort of get our shit together and um figure out a way to coexist with the other millions of species on this yeah probably billions of species on this planet decrease them by the day give us a few years it'll be yeah boy we don't know anything about those microbes man there are a lot of them out there I think anyway

you know that we can figure out a ways to sustainably coexist with them and that is the real question in my mind and I think that when you start putting morality into it that's the moral objective at least for me is like is the planet going to be fine regardless of what we do, yeah, I think I probably agree with your science teacher on that, that it would be.

But I think that for me, morally, the best option is to exist on this planet sustainably with all the other species that are there. So you're saying population control, half the humans should die. Man, so this is an interesting, we were chatting about this earlier, about science like is science going to save us

that sort of thing and yeah there was this like famous equation it's more of a conceptual equation

that came out and I think the 70s 60s or 70s it's called the iPad equation the iPad

came out in the 90s bin no don't worry about that this was before that this is iPad which is

I think the iPad came out in the 2000s anyway continue yeah you were like five in the uh you wouldn't have been five anyway never mind nine the 90s i'm your age yeah that's true um yeah so you would have been like three when it came out don't worry about it um just trying to make myself feel younger science joke everybody i think i don't know what that was just a bad joke okay they're often the same though that was So this iPad equation is the impact that people have on the world is a function of P, A, and T, P is population. A, well, okay, P is population.

T is technology, and A is affluence. So just like, you know, we often know the affluent people on this planet are... Have the biggest carbon footprint. Yeah, absolutely. right um yeah even though those those friends of ours from back in east tennessee that have the i heart my carbon footprint bumper sticker on their giant truck you know actually in the grand scheme of things they have probably a lower carbon footprint than the you know one percenters of of the u.s and a much bigger carbon footprint than the truly impoverished in in other countries you know right so anyway

Um, so affluence is a big part of it. Population control is a big part of it. But then the, the term in that equation that always intrigues scientists is the technology part of it. Because population and affluence both have a clear positive and by positive, I mean, like a statistically positive relationship with, with impact, right? So the bigger the population gets, the bigger the humans. impact on the world is going to be. That always is a positive relationship there. And the more affluent the population gets, the bigger their

impact on the environment is. But technology is a weird one that could go either way, right? For history, by the way, audience, Drew has made like, I'm bored jokes twice now, but now I can tell he's a really bored. anyway. No, I'm not. I'm thinking about all the different ways I want to take this conversation.

All right. Sorry. So technology, I mean, over the last, since the Industrial Revolution, increases in our technology have pretty much only... But you do sound a little bit like the happy Gilmore scene, or Billy Madison scene.

And the industry, the puppy, was alone in the woods. I don't remember that scene. Are you serious? No. It's the one that ends. with uh no at no point during that meandering explanation did you come anywhere close to what i would

consider an answer i award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul that sounds about right oh man god no no i'm keep going and i'm with you like the equation is like how many people the affluence we get that part but the technology could go either way it can make us worse or better Yeah, right. We think, I mean, it's, over the last 150 years, it's only made us worse, really. But, you know. What about before that? Well, we just didn't have the technological advancement to really do that much damage, right?

The beginning of the industrial revolution. I mean, yeah. And I'm not, this isn't a challenge, but like this is, I'm reminded there's a novel where there's a scientist character named Mr. Clever. And I had to read it for this course I took in South Africa called History 101. and the whole point of the course was to just do these huge concepts, right? Like, look at his... Anyway, the point is, like, I'm not trying to... Like, I know you and how great of a person you're.

And now, you are trying to save the planet. But isn't there, like, a hubris of scientists where you're like, okay, guys... Maybe we should just quit trying? Yeah. Like, yeah. Even if you come up with something rad, the army will steal it and turn it into a weapon. Yeah.

Yeah, I totally hear that. that is definitely a very reasonable outlook on it. I wonder if the flip side to me is like, okay, so option A is we keep trying to figure things out and we keep hoping that when those in the scientific community

that do make great breakthroughs that it's not used for terrible purposes, that's one option. The other option is like, okay, well, we realize that, you know, humans can't have nice things and we just quit trying or we could die boy this is this is the sunshine portion of the podcast now we're into the abyss there's no oh yeah that's right man oh god i'm not like saying the i thought you said the biscuits are leftists and i was like you got damn rot to are yeah i actually don't think i think there's going to be a lot of biscuiters down in the south

that are take a lot of beef yeah well yeah it's just like when your kids are left us today you can't love them but you can't help what they are they probably don't listen to this podcast anyway biscuits no i don't think they have ears been um you're not a scientist oh it's well that's definitely the funniest thing that's been said on the podcast today i uh i'm a jurist doctor oh yeah i'm a doctor of jurors i literally don't know what jurist means it's a latin word It's related to the word jury. I don't know what it means. I think it's when the jury gets sick, you go be their doctor.

Oh, okay. That's what you've had this wrong, your whole career. You backed up your best joke. Where's your worst one? I guess what I'm wondering, like a big part of your job is to prevent us from killing ourselves. Scientifically, if you were studying the earth as an environment, you were from Mars. Yeah. Would there not be a part of, like at least you'd have to dedicate a big part of the paper to maybe we just get rid of them.

Yeah, right. Or let them go to themselves or whatever. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, I think that, yeah, objectively as a Martian scientist, looking down on this little experiment, sure. I think that if I were looking at that. That's why I had you on here today. I wanted to talk about the Martian scientists.

What is it that they're doing to the frogs? You know, can we fight them? I'm kidding, of course. I think that it is, it's weird. Like on a sunny day, as we were talking about earlier, I look at Mr. Clever. You, yourself, literally, my good friend Ben, one of my best friends in the world.

And I think that what a fucking great, like he is literally dedicating his life to trying to help us. I'm glad that those humans are out there and we're going to fucking win this thing. And then there's other days where I go, technology has done nothing but backfire on us for 150 years. It's only caused this stuff to get worse. And what we really need to do is, you know, of course,

kill all these titans of industry and kill these industries. Like the government needs to just be like, I know this sucks, but cars are illegal. You got eight years to, you know, they're illegal for eight more years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, well, this is...

And you can only have one kid if you live in America, or China or Europe. And then everybody else can just go as... Well, according to you, the poor countries, it's fine. They have, yeah, like a lower per person car. Also, I think I just felt uncomfortable being like, let's go to India and make them have less kids. It's like, we've done... They're not fucking responsible for this shit for the most part. Not until recently, yeah.

Yeah, right, right? Well, that's the thing, right? That's the great thing about progress. we help these countries along and then they join in on killing us but anyway go ahead yeah well india though has a lot of cows and they and they won't kill any of them they burp out a lot of methane and they're not allowed to kill their cows which is a big problem that i have personally i'm kidding yeah yeah we it's it's very different doing this podcast with you definitely not have no comedians because i keep making jokes that are like super mean or dark and there's no one here to laugh so you just look at me

with the completely appropriate response was like, what? And then I go, oh, right, sorry, just kidding. No, I, I, yeah. Well, so another way to think about that, though, is the whole idea of population control is like, man, what kind of shit show would we be in had the plague not happened, right? When you look at like, or the world wars. Yeah, yeah, but I mean, I think the plague was like, And even at the time, there was a much lower population and it had such a mass. I mean, you know, wars, like World War I killed millions of people, but we were already into the, I'm quite sure we were already hit the billions by then.

You know, the plague wiped out. I mean, I'm going to totally get this wrong. But I think it was like 40% of the human population. Fuck, I didn't know. It was a lot. Yeah, boy. I hope like Corey comes back and corrects this podcast after we record it or something. Oh yeah, that's definitely a thing he does.

Goes and listens and then comes in with facts. Anyway. He's known he's ever done either of those things, but certainly not together. Yeah, so like, I don't know. Yeah, right. Like if the plague hadn't happened, we would probably be at this juncture, you know, I don't know, a long time. time ago. 1800?

Something like that. We'd have this many billions of people in the 1800s? Probably. That's, like, I believe you, but in my head, I'm like, no, man, everybody died in their 40s in the 1800s. Yeah, but the... There was still like snakes and wagons. There were still snakes back then.

They had witches, man. Yeah, they did. That's a good point, but... That's a terrible point, actually, I think. Thank you. No, I think that, you know, we probably would have, like, hit those industrial milestones earlier if we had had more people around to

figure that out. Maybe. Or maybe part of the reason, because that was mostly Europe, right? Maybe part of the reason that Europe sort of came out of that as one of the, you know, almost always on top of the world hegemony from that is because they have more resources and less people. Yeah. Well, not, but not. The population density like has been pretty high for a while, right? Yeah, but didn't you just say that most of them

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Yes. So then that's what, maybe that seems plausible. And you don't have to even pretend to entertain my theories. No, I think it's plausible. I don't have any evidence either way. Man, God, I've really fallen into, I've been, I've become that guy. What guy? That like guy that's like, I don't have any evidence either way. And I just lost a friend. A scientist?

Yeah. Yeah, you did become, you literally did become a scientist. All people are. annoying. I'm over here. Yeah, that's just, you know, because you get around your people. That's like the thing with the joke. You just hang out with comedians and the whole goal is to make jokes and the darker the better.

So here I am over here making Indian India killing cow jokes and you're like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, oh right, you're a normal human. And then you're like, well, I don't really have any evidence anyway. And I'm like, yeah, I know, but just throw something at me, man. Come on. We're just two dudes talking here. Yeah. Yeah, so that happens. And I feel like, you know, it's like that. Porn stars talk about

sex too freely and probably have it too freely and that makes people uncomfortable. Depends on how safe it is, I think. Accountants, they don't even talk, I don't think. Yeah, just Morse code through their calculators. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about that. That's what I'm saying. All right, thanks, ma'am. You're welcome, buddy.

Yeah, where the hell were we? How close were we to save in the world? Oh, let me say this. I don't know. That's why I brought you on here. Yeah, so I, I hate to disappoint you, but we've been running this train for a while. also here we go. Yeah, I don't really see myself as someone saving the world. I feel like most scientists are, at least in ecology,

we're really still at the point of understanding the world. Isn't that like what a scientist truly is supposed to be? Yeah. The definition, we might be getting into semantics here. Yeah. See, that's one thing that I almost struggle with. like a lot of people are like, oh, scientists are going to save the world. And I'm like, that's not their job. That's literally politicians' job. And activists and lots, yeah,

absolutely. And I believe in that pretty... But activism is almost like a symptom of politicians not doing their jobs. You're right. You're right. Absolutely. But, and I actually pretty fundamentally believe in that, that barrier between science and politics and activism. There are a lot of scientists that are activists and do really good work in activism. I, my heart is in activism and, you know, and actually making real changes in the world as well. But I think that, um, especially right now in this, what science calls, and a lot of people call the, the post-truth era of where now we have lots of government officials that, uh, cherry pick, which scientific facts, they decide they, they,

want to believe in and which they want to just shit on that keeping science as apolitical and non-activist as possible is the only way that when we do come up with information people will believe that we're not just we don't just have you know an ulterior motive uh driving that research right but it's hard because like when the fact is the planet's dying it's like hard to say that it's not or like oh 100% right us however you're to phrase it I guess it's so hard to say that it's not and then that because well that's a political statement and then yeah it it totally does me as well um it totally does me as well but I I heard you know anything about the new green deal new green deal

no I don't I don't either I was hoping you did it's sorry it's uh it I follow Ocasio Cortez on Twitter uh I don't know if it's her bill But I know she's one of the main sponsors of it. Does she sponsored things yet? Or she's planning to maybe? She's got a bunch of senators on board. Jumping the gun. We don't do that.

We're on the left. We don't believe in guns. Oh, yeah. That was stupid. She's got quite a few senators on board. And the idea is basically that last report came out. You know, it's like we got like a decade before it might be too late. Yeah.

And it's trying to implement some changes before that decade's over. Yeah. that's literally all I know about it though no yeah and part of the reason I'm so cynical about this stuff is like I don't think it's sciences or scientists job to

block out the sun or you know grow these badass soybeans that filter everything you know whatever you guys do all that part I'm not a scientist but I think it's politicians that's all I do every day is it filter soybeans hell yeah

that sounds awesome man what a great life on an island in the Caribbean I think it's politicians jobs I mean when I saw that study I saw something recently that I had fell in my bones for a long time it's a total cop-out but I felt it in my bones and I talked to you about this a little bit at lunch today

where it's like yeah I'm gonna recycle I'm gonna buy a hybrid I'm gonna fucking do these things you know when I can afford one right now I gotta buy used but actually there's plenty of used hybrids now it's finally like there's finally an aftermark for them but yeah I'm gonna do all those things

but the truth is it doesn't really matter and not that I don't matter or that that doesn't matter it's just not gonna and then there was that report that was like 70% of our pollution

is caused by 100 companies or something like that yeah yeah it's really top heavy that's the government that's the only people that can stop that without us becoming very violent yep

and it's their fucking job yeah well so I think you're right in... I definitely agree with what you are saying that the government could serve a really important role in... Yeah, if...

Man... You all are doing your jobs. The science is there. You have shown us what the problems are and some possible solutions. I'm not saying the government is the only cog. You guys play a huge role. You're doing it.

They're the ones failing, is what I'm saying, I guess. Yeah. And, well, yeah, I think that's true, but I don't think that individual people in the population are blameless either. And this is scientists included, right? All of us. I mean, so one way for it to occur is for, for government officials to pass legislation that says, this is, you know, we're outlawing fossil fuels in 10 years. Or, you know, like, if you don't recycle, we're throwing your ass in jail or something like that.

Right. Um, the other option is for, you know, a sort of consumer movement to like if people, that's if you are a consumer. Like, that's easy for me and you. Well, it would be tough for me and you, but we could pull it off. There are people who literally couldn't do it and survive. They drive a truck without a catalytic converter because it's just what someone gave them. And they live paycheck to paycheck and there's literally no way for them.

And they go to work at a coal mine or whatever because it's the only job. that they have. Yeah. And you expand that globally to places like India or China. Like, it's not that I'm not with you. I could do better. Yeah. But not enough people could do better.

Okay. But the top heavy people have to do better. But then what happens, I just turn my head. Sorry. That's okay. So then what happens, drew the politician, passes legislation that says, in eight years, no more fossil fuels.

what happens with that guy that has his like beat up borrowed truck that doesn't have a catalytic converter there's absolutely going to be some pain but that's another thing that and again i'm super leftist here but like that's also the government the government needs to inflict some pain it's literally what i was sent us to you at lunch today it's why a government exists everyone would be libertarian if it worked we all want to be left the fuck along and no one tell us what to do we all want that i've never like you know with some few exceptions of maybe some people who like being treated like a kid for the most part we just want to be left to be be left alone and no one to tell us what the fuck to do. We have government for these reasons to prevent us from fucking each other over. And these companies are fucking us over. And yes, if the government passed some law that you can't have a car, you got eight years and that's it, there would be people fucked by that. And it would be the government's job to take care of them. And they would fail on many occasions.

There would be so much pain. But like they're already failing these very same people. Yeah. Who live in communities who don't have clean fucking. water because of coal companies who live in communities where their kids are having cancer because they live next door to a fucking paint factory where regulations existed in the 70s but no one implemented them and then they changed the goddamn things in the 90s. Yep.

Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I hear that. That's all I wanted to hear. Man, you know, there's this really interesting legal case going on right now, which you probably, or you might know a lot more about than I do. I doubt it. where a bunch of kids are suing, I think the EPA.

A bunch of kids are suing the U.S. government. And effectively, they are suing them. I'm going to get this wrong, but over their constitutional rights for over the constitutional rights of future generations. They're saying like, you know, in our legal system, it is now commonplace for litigation to happen. Is litigate down? I just said a word that I don't think I know what it means. Got it. It's just what lawsuits are. Okay, cool.

That's litigation. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. Like a teacher is in education. Yeah. Lawyers who are in, who are in court are in litigation. Oh, good. Yeah. All right, I got it.

Score one. Nice, dude. Fucking good, dude. All right, anyway. So, you know, it's like, it's commonplace for when someone infringes on someone else's rights at the same time for the, that to go into litigation. Yes. It's hard to sue the government, though.

It is hard to sue the government. And I think that a lot of people... Because the government makes the rules... Are skeptical that this will work. But I think the concept is really interesting, interesting that these kids are suing the government for infringing on rights temporally. Like what you're doing now,

it's not infringing on anyone's... Anyone else's rights right now, but it is infringing... on the rights of people that are going to, generations that are going to come in the future. Well, here's a real sunny note to end this on, and we do probably need to wrap up. Yeah. Here are the three reasons that's not going to work. Oh, God.

Sorry, children. Number one, the mechanisms of our legal system have been created over time. They didn't happen in a vacuum, and they've evolved over time to fit a world that is not really the one we're describing. And I'm not saying the world was super different in the 1980s. or the 1880s, but the idea of the world was different. And I'm saying all that to say, where's the harm? The person bringing the lawsuit, this is just a rule, has to have the actual harm. And it has to be very specific.

Yeah. And you have to be able to prove it. So you could say, all right, well, this kid has asthma. Can you prove that the EPA caused that asthma? Right. And if you can, that kid has asthma. There's no future litigants. That's not litigants.

That's from litigates. they don't allow for that. I'm not saying they shouldn't. And we can change things. That's it. You know, we do have a system that can be changed. That system changes very slowly.

That gets into the second reason this isn't going to happen. That system has been perverted, corrupted, abused. This fucking, quote-unquote democracy that we live in with checks and balances, and it's a three-this, and there's the judicial branch. All that is great. The American experiment was cool. there's still some goodness inside it, but if you look at any part of our justice system,

on the lawsuit side or on the criminal side, it's a nightmare. We have more people in prison than any other development. We have a stronger percentage. We have more black people than any country in the world in prison, including countries full of black people exclusively or almost exclusively. Yeah. And on the lawsuit side, constantly, constantly there's new changes to laws where you can't sue

the government. There's caps on how much money you can get. So maybe your kid died, but you're only allowed to sue for $100,000. And the thing that there's a problem with that is not just that, like, that's disgusting someone's life is worth more. It also means that that company won't change a goddamn thing or whatever it is that they're doing because they'd rather just pay the $100,000.

And then the third reason, and it's related to that is that capitalism will not allow for what you're talking about. Someone in the future.

Uh. Getting paid and stopping someone now from making money. Yeah. It's not going to happen. Yeah. That's where my, I think it's over one way or the other. Capitalism is done in the next 50 years, whether because we are all dead. We have dissolved into anarchy because of the problems it has created.

Yeah. Or we fix that. But that conversation is somehow. you know even larger than science versus the government and global warming yeah we really went on a journey there ben we did man god we ate that biscuit it was much more bitter than i expected really yeah it's different it wasn't as sweet as mama's or mammas have ever heard the term cat had biscuit cathead biscuit no so my dad called his mom my mama dindan's biscuits give some of them cat had biscuits and he had this story where

his friend who stuttered would get gravy in a hearties would cup of cathead biscuits and I don't, and he said cat had biscuit and a mules ear full of gravy was the phrase. Uh-huh. And I thought that was so funny growing up.

And then I remember. Was there ever any explanation of what the, like, that's how big the biscuits are? Oh, it's the size comparison. I see. Okay, got it. Sorry. There's an author I love.

I've got a book of his. I might let you borrow. And I think we've talked about on the podcast before. We'd like to have him on named David Joy. he's got a book out right now the line that held us and he's from western carolina and his last book has a reference to cat had biscuits and it made me so happy oh man uh well that was definitely a fucking tangent that we didn't need to go on no are you kidding me i think

the biscuit conversation has been the the most productive uh of the of the afternoon here it always is all right ben does you have anything you want to plug you're going to be in any cities you got a book coming out? No. Oh, God. You got a Twitter now? Man, yeah. I got a Twitter.

How many followers do you have? I don't even follow you. I found this out three hours ago. I don't know. In the tens? In the tens? Yeah, I got about 10,000, too. Yeah, right.

Sure. I do. I believe you. God. Yeah, it's pretty... Which, by the way, is... nothing. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I don't really know anything about the Twitter world. I know. I love that about you. But I've got, I think it's like, I think I'm up to,

oh, yeah, maybe 30. I'm going to wait until you get 68. And then I'm going to be 69. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's your Twitter handle? Dr. B

doesn't have a Twitter. You can't check his Twitter. Nobody looks for his Twitter. It doesn't exist. Bye. 69. It would have been the greatest. day of my life.

God, we could, I mean, this is a podcast, right? We can, yeah, we could go back.

What I'll say is that we're purest, you know, so we don't do that. Yeah, sure. But we're lazy and we don't do that. Yeah, nothing else to plug except,

man, just, just start turning your lights off, driving hybrids. You can tell people to stop eating meat. I know you want to. No. We got to, man,

I'll tell you who you need to have on this podcast. podcast is our other friend, Luke. Who's working with solar. Yeah, he's actually like trying to get the solar industry up off the ground. He's trying to get rich. I mean, that's true as well, yeah. I mean, for sure. For me personally, I'm not having him on the podcast.

But, you know, like, we're just trying to, we're scientists. We're just trying to figure out the world and try to try to come up with possible solutions. Business people are trying to make money. And comedians are trying to be funny. I'm fucking telling you. It's their job, and they're not doing it. Well. Politicians are supposed to fucking, you know, when people are fucking up, stop them.

That's it. It's all it is. It's all government's supposed to be. Well, maybe we got a friend in the business world over there with Luke at his company that sounds a lot like a... There's friends in the science world. There's friends in the science world. Dude, I'm sure there's fucking scientists who do nothing but evil in the world. Yeah, yeah.

We call them evil scientists. Do they have layers? Yeah. You need a layer. God, you don't... If I ever get super rich, I'm building you on it. Let's do. I will not say no to that.

I think about that a lot. What's the fucking... What's the carbon footprint of a layer, though? I don't know. Probably, like, you could dig it out in a basement. I mean, you know, some of our, like, real redneck neighbors growing up. They dug, they hand dug their own basement. They might have been scientists.

They may have been a layer. the teafelers. Teethelers. Teethelers. That's their last name? Teethelers, yeah. That sounds like a cult. Yeah, well, it was... Don't go near the teetellers.

That, you literally... You start wearing white and only talk about how sex is pure between 15-year-olds and yourself. I'm telling you, man, don't go near the teeth-tellers, was pretty much the motto on the sign going into our neighborhood. Unfortunately, they were... To be clear, and I know this isn't what you were saying, but just in case anybody's listening from Marville... Ben didn't say that the teave tellers were in a cult or that they fit 15-year-olds. No, yeah, they were good people. They were real good people.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, okay. I can see how that could have been misconstrued now. I said that as a joke. And they're not. About a cult called the Teve-Tellers? That was her name. I'm going to slightly change that name and start my cult.

We've talked in here before about how I want to start a cult. If I didn't have any morals, that's what I'd do. I'm serious. That sounds like the most fun you could have on Earth in this existence. Oh, yeah. is to run your own cult. But you'd have to be a horrible person, which I think. So it wouldn't be fun for me.

Yeah. I don't know. Those movies that you watch about it doesn't look that fun. That's because they're always like trying to like, you know, kill the Jews or whatever, man. It should just be about fucking and drugging. The hippies were the closest thing we had. Yeah. You should, there's this like, man, I'm, this is a totally useless comment because I can't think of the name of the documentary.

but there's a documentary about a cult that kind of took over this town in Oregon? Wild, Wild Country? Is the one in Oregon? Yeah, this is another thing I love about you. You said you don't do social media. Like, you also, you don't do pop culture in real terms. I have real bad at it. So, like, that's one of the most famous and popular things that's been going on in the last year in the documentary world.

What about Cardi B? I heard about her. I heard about her. She's real famous too. She's awesome, dude. Okay, I've never heard any of her songs, but. Really? Yeah. She's great. I do know about her and that documentary.

Yeah, wow. Wild Country. Yeah, man. That sounds like a good... They fucked up when they stopped focusing on, you know, eating vegetables and having sex. It's always when it is, dude. Man, that's...

That's always, like, that's what I'm saying. There's, like, there's a wave with every cult. The first, you know, three or four years, pretty solid. Yeah. And then it just goes, man, I think that we've... It, I know this sounds like pretentious. It just mirrors human existence. I was just about to say the same thing.

Yeah, man. They were about pretentious. Yeah. When we got past that, we really started to go downhill. And I think... Trey had a joke. It wasn't about this, but at some point, he said, just walk around eating fruit and fucking man, good living.

That's right. That is good living. Absolutely. Absolutely, dude. I think that science, for all the advances it's made, really just got won up here on the Well Red podcast. I mean... I think we just figured it out.

We didn't one up it. Yeah, we might have found the thing that was, already there. Yeah. Yeah, I've been saying it. That's what I'm saying earlier. I didn't want to offend you. I know you're a great guy, but like,

y'all need to give up. So do I. Fuck making jokes and writing books. Just eat fruit and fuck. All right. Can it be pineapple, though? Because I love pineapple. Hell yeah, it can be pineapple, man.

Peaches. Yeah, here's the thing, man. About the advancement of society, and this is important. You can eat whatever kind of fruit you want now. Yeah, no, man. Even if it was like February. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, you can get all that, although that's probably killing the earth. Yeah, it is. But then also just judgment-wise, I was also trying to make a comment like, eat and fuck who and whatever you want. Well, don't eat whoever you want. You guys get what I'm saying. Because I feel like back in the day they were eating and fucking, but also like, you know, you had to fuck the right person or they'd kill you or whatever.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. All right, let's get out of here, dude. All right, man. I'm glad we solved all this. I'm not uplifting thing. Eating fuck, y'all. Do it.

I'm so scared. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God. Bless you, good night and skew. The Venture X card from Capital One gives you premium travel benefits. Perfect for seeing Taylor Swift the Ares Tour. Presented by Capital One.

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